The Arrogance That Protects Our Own Deals – John A.

I'm very grateful to participate in any capacity in an AA meeting. I'd like to thank Bill, his lovely wife picked me up at the airport and Ed and Betty Dries started make me feel at home right from the start you know and quite a few people here I know from before some other places some of you have never seen me at all. But in a very short time, you will know me very intimately. I could also go down and comment on all the other speakers, but I really don't have that much confidence. I mean, Clancy always talks about my accent and that I can barely speak English. I mean you know I have a little problem he tells me with ethnicity in July and I mean the way he talks it's really easy. I mean he says you know like alter your perception. I I mean, that's easy to say things like that. And it has a hell of a lot more snob appeal than simple words that I'm stumbling over, you know. I always had a... You don't know this, and I mean it doesn't look like it to you right now, but I had one of my things where I had the most unbelievable inferior order complex. I had no confidence at all. And the last year I lived in Sweden, I sent out 200 applications for a job as a manufacturer's rep. 201 came back and said, perhaps. So I have had to be in business for myself all my life, you know. I have my office at home and have had it for many years and my wife is you know, she's well, she listens in when I talk to my customers now and then and make comments one time, you know there was one of my clients that said can I see you tomorrow at three o'clock and I said I have to look up in my hacienda and see and she said John it's agenda not haciienda you know I said it's close enough they know what I'm talking about for God's sake you know when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous I used to ask them what's your floor mat today and they said it's format not floor mat so if you hear a strange word tonight there's nothing wrong with your hearing it is still at it I so it's the 16th of January and we have just gone through another holiday and Christmas is to me especially Christmas were always, there were a lot of anxieties. I always had problems for holidays, especially Christmas because there are so many memories connected with it. And I had many times the finest intentions and I always screwed up. There were even Christmases I didn't drink at all. I waited until New Year and then I got in trouble, you know. And just for the but I'm going to share with you my last drunken Christmas. I came home the 22nd or 23rd of December and I had 37 bottles of whiskey gift-wrapped. They were for my customers. I told my wife, I said, You know, everybody buys them booze. It's kind of a half-assed gift. I think I'll go down to Bullock's and buy them something more personal. and then I can keep these for myself I have bought them for wholesale I can charge them off in my taxes they don't really cost me anything and I will have liquor for a long time I said what do you think I can't tell you what she told me you know but she didn't share my enthusiasm we celebrate christmas eve in our home and my brother had two drinks my wife had two drinks his wife had a drink and that was it 7 30 christmas Eve I was passed out under the tree okay I walked by and said the only thing he lacks is a red apple in his mouth and the 5th of January I ran out of whiskey I said to her I said you know I think I'll go down to Al's Polly Pantry and buy some gin because this rye makes me mean you know and it was my last drunken Christmas after that session I couldn't get drunk or sober and then I came in here the first of October and this was my twentieth sober Christmas and I'm so grateful you know I don't think I'm too presumptuous if I would say that some of us here tonight some are new and some have been around for a while but be that as it may lots of us sit here with anxieties and burdens if only and be that as it May we who are here in these rooms are still the lucky ones because we have a chance lots of people who have this thing called alcoholism doesn't have a chance, and for various reasons. My father didn't have much of a chance. He had problems with his liver in 1927, and nobody knew anything about his illness then. He was a giant of a man. He irradiated vitality. Women adored him, and men envied him. But he died three years later, and he weighed 130 pounds when he died. And he didn't want to die at all, and she didn't like it. and he didn't have much of a chance. My older brother is two years older than I am, and he doesn't have much of an opportunity or much of a chance for another reason. He has something called pride. Seems to be a commodity that we can't afford a luxury of in this outfit. Fourteen years ago he lived in a castle outside Stockholm and he was married to a beautiful girl. In fact, he married my girlfriend. I had a little problem with that for a while now I'm glad he did but he drank like I drank and he blew it all in the last 12 years he has lived in a building in Stockholm with seven other drunks and nobody is on his case there he doesn't have any pushy island on there to tell him a few things and he drinks a fifth of whiskey every night than he has lived in the past. He speaks six languages fluently and he can sit down and tell these other guys that once he carried a Swedish flag in the Olympics on five occasions and he doesn't have much of a chance. My younger brother is seven years younger than I am and he does not have much of a sense for another reason. He does not want to do anything about his problem. I love him dearly. In fact, when we grew up, when I was 24 years old, I paid for his college education for three years and the maintenance of it. And I love Him dearly, I had to be like His dad. Our father died on his first year birthday and I really love Him. You know, a couple of years ago my brother was told that he couldn't drink alcohol anymore, there's something wrong with your liver. He told him for 90 days you cannot drink alcohol. but he doesn't drink like I drank that's what he is zeroing in on he has about seven, eight whiskies before dinner two kinds of wine coffee and brandy for dessert it's kind of elegant he even lights a couple of candles now and then it's real festive I have Mellor over the years here and I said one time to him I said you know Colin maybe that church will fix you that you go to so you don't have to drink but if it doesn't work out maybe you can go with me to a few meetings and see what it's all about and then she spoke up and she said John you're an alcoholic and you know a lot about alcoholism but you don' t know a hell of a lot about anything else and then I said to her I said you know I only don't drink for ten years so I don't know too much about alcoholism but I have lived out there in that world sober for more than 17 years an exciting beautiful joyous way of life so I know a lot about good living besides it ain't my freaking liver that's shot you see I it's alcohol still does something for them and that's the nature of the illness and you know when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous you know They talked a lot about how serious this sickness is. Clancy did it Friday, and I'm so grateful that it's brought up now and then because I think too many times in these meetings these days they just talk so much about the other related disorders they almost have a snob appeal, you know. I mean, oh, wow. And, you Know, just for the record, I tell you, in a six-month period I went to 14 funerals and one guy was 24 years old he was a male nurse in Norwalk in an alcoholic ward he had wine sauce on his leg and he still thought he had another 18 months to drink before he had to quit he was 24-years-old one guy who was 20-years old one guy that was 30-years' old he owned a Swedish Murgers Bar down on Lincoln Avenue in Anaheim he drank a little whiskey and took a little Valium 30-year's old one guy had 9 1⁄2 years of sobriety on this program here. Beautiful guy. Had a 45-foot crisscraft down in Newport and a beautiful home and he worked as a sales manager for a void rubber factory and he had to drive to San Francisco once a week and his nerves were kind of, you know, so he got a little prescription for Thoracine and Seconal. Three months later he was picked up down at Leder Drug Store trying to steal little codeine cough medicine. And then he went back to whiskey, and he died within a year. But all these 14 guys I'm talking about, it was in a period of six months. So again, we are here in these rooms. We are really the lucky ones because we have a chance. You know, I talk to newcomers, and I love newcomers. And I like the feelings in these rooms when there are newcomers and I like being a newcomer myself. It's very important to me, and I'd like to share with you why I like to be a newcomor. I hope I never forget the last year I drank, because I compromised on everything I believed in and stood for. I couldn't live or function without liquor. I didn't dare to go to sleep if I didn' t have a fifth of whiskey in the refrigerator because I had to have it when I woke up. And if I ran out of whiskey at midnight, I usually called an associate of mine in Baldwin Park and said, Harold, next week you will owe me $150 on this particular job, but if you give me 20 bucks tonight, you won't have to pay me the $130 next week. And I drove a hundred miles around Trip at Midnight to pick up $20. I didn't dare to buy any booze in Baldwin Park because then I wouldn't make it home. When I came home in Anaheim where we lived at the time, I bought a fifth of Imperial bourbon for 45 and then I was safe. And I had to live like that and I hope I never forget that period in my life. I know some of us after we get a little well and get a few dollars in our pockets and bedroom and privilege us again. We forget how it really was. In fact, to tell you the truth, Karen cut me off six months before I came into AA. She stood up one night and looked at me. She said, I wish you could find yourself a girlfriend so I wouldn't have to fool with you. She said you'd take forever. Now, after sobriety, if you take forever, it's very commendable. It really isn't fair, because I was really sensitive those days, you know. You are new. If you just feel or think that you have a drinking problem, half the battle is won, because then you know why you are here. But most of us coming in here, including myself, I didn't feel that way when I came in here. because there were so many other anxieties that so far overshadowed my relationship to liquor. And I felt if only these things would be straightened out, I wouldn't have to drink as much or do a bit of what I was. And that's how I think it is for most of us when we come in here in the beginning because we so slowly and so gradually grow into our relationship to liquid. It's very hard for us to see where we are in the relationship to liquors and admit it because for a long time it worked. It did everything I wanted it to do. It picked me up and slowed me down and whatever. And when they started to talk to me about that I had to give up my booze, I thought they were absolutely crazy and didn't understand at all. And that's how I think it is for most of us when we come in there in the beginning. And I really don't give a damn how bad it gets in the morning because we get used to that too. That's the price we've got to pay no big deal. And to give you an example of how it is for us to see where we are in relationship to liquor, I talked in the step house in Costa Mesa some years ago now. There was a guy on the front row. he had the shakes he was wet and on the floor and he was in a hell of a sad shape he came up to me after the meeting and said you know I really don't know if I'm an alcoholic I asked him I said what seems to be your problem you know and he said I got an ulcer and then he said well he's an alcoholic anyhow and I said I really don't think I really don't know myself have you ever repeated the same performance again and again and again when it comes to liquor I said I don't know he said I don' t know what you mean so I thought about my own case and I said has your wife ever complained about you drinking he said I aint married she divorced me two years ago so the devil flew into me I said did she divorce you because you had an alzo. And he said, no, she said I drank too much beer. So I said, well, now we're getting somewhere. So I asked him, when did you come into this goddamn place? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, a step house in Costa Mesa ain't much to shoot for, you know. i said really when did you come in here and he said yesterday morning so i said did they take you in here because you had an ulcer and he says no i just couldn't navigate anymore as far as i'm concerned he's typical and he couldn't really see himself where i was in a relationship to lick on admitted and you all knew here if you saw this guy sitting up here and doing those kind of tricks right now, you would sit down and say to yourself, well, that's the way they are supposed to look like. If I ever get in that kind of shape or condition, I'll do something about it, and you feel like you're off the hook. Well, this is one of the reasons we ask you to go to a flock of meetings before you decide whether you belong or not. And then when we start to go to meetings in the beginning, we usually identify with the wrong things. We identify with the things that haven't yet happened to us, and that kindof protects our rights or whatever you want to call it and we hear some very flamboyant stories from this podium from time to time like I've been arrested this year already 42 times and it's only August and I sat back down how those kind of stores say yeah that's the way they are supposed to be because I had never been arrested I never been in an alcoholic water or step house or anything like that so how in the hell could I be an alcoholic I'd been in the building business a number of years. I owned my own door factory and a nice swimming pool, three automobiles and an English Bulldog. So how could I be an alcoholic? I mean, that ain't the picture of an alcoholic, let's face it. And we all have a conception of what we think an alcoholic ought to look like and I just didn't fit in so I had a hard time to identify here when I sat there in the beginning. I sat here and heard that we alcoholics have a peculiar attitude. This guy was up talking and he said, yeah, I live back in the Middle West somewhere and I decided one Sunday morning I should go to California and it started all over again, and I wanted to look good when I came out there, so I wanted a brand-new car. So I got the car deal out of bed, and he got the bank out of it, and I got a brand new car, and I took off for California. He said I was a little drunk, and I drove 90 miles from there over the hill, and on the other side there was a car parked. And I drove head into that car and told him about my new car. My attitude was that never again am I going to buy a goddamn Chevy, you know? and I wasn't like that I heard that we alcoholics do a bill against society and authority I never really did I was for king and country when I lived in Sweden I supported the president of the United States after I came over here to the bitter end When I heard a sales pitch, I improved on it. I was always for things, always tried to be part of things. I really always tried to be good. When I sat back here in the beginning, my problems were just different than yours. When I look back over my life, it just seemed to me like I'd failed regularly, long before I started to drink, even when I gave it my best shot. I could be very good for a couple of months and the bottom fell out. I couldn't understand I was such a screw up and that's what I sat and chewed on thank God for Clancy I heard him in the beginning I came in and oh could I identify so I had a hard time for a while here to identify quite some time later I heard a tape one time when Alcoholics Anonymous had had a 20th anniversary in Santa Monica and our co-founder Bill W. was there and somebody said you know Bill this program of AlcoholicsAnonymous is really the most fabulous success story that has ever been put together He said, not really. It's not a success story. It's just a lot of failures that has been put into usefulness. And that day I was very grateful. I was a member here and I had stayed around. So you all know, just come to meetings for a while because it takes a bit for all of us before it falls in place. I assure you. I didn't have problems with my liquor. Same place as most of the people I heard talking from this podium in the beginning. I had a lotof problems withmy liquor at PTA meetings. Girl Scouts and places It seems to have a lot of problems with it And when things like that was going on I always came home at three in the afternoon And I said, hey, let's go, you know My kids usually said But please, Dad, don't come today I said Well, why? I said I just love to be with you guys They said You're so terribly drunk I said I'm not really that drunk I'm just pleasantly gassed I always felt I handled it well In fact, bartenders all over Orange County Told me how well I could drink They used to say to me, Mr. Ackerling, you really know how to drink. I said, isn't it absolutely wonderful, you know? I said you're something else. You know, were you in here last night for an hour and a half, you drank 22 drinks, never raised your voice, never got out of line, you're a perfect gentleman, you leave graciously, and you're back here again in the morning at 9 o'clock and start all over again. I said isn't that absolutely wonderful? you know and that's how it was for me for a while and I felt good that morning everybody in that damn ball tunnel around looked at me and I really knew I had a handle on it and I always felt like John Wayne you know Jesus Christ you know I tell you that the highlight of my drinking you know I just share that moment with you I had been employed for this door factory back then in the 1950s and that was where I learned to drink every day and my boss was an alcoholic but I sold so many doors in one year that they couldn't pay me my commission so they gave me one third of the stock you know I mean you take it I've just been here a few years and I already own my own door factory I'm just a little immigrant you know you know I was general manager, sales manager on truck driver. I did everything, but, you know, and oh, I just loved it. And I worked, this period of my life, I worked seven days a week, 16, 18 hours a day, and I drank for a fifth or more a day. You know, sometimes up to three-fifths a day and for a couple of years, I didn't have problems with liquor. You know? It was terrific. we lived in Corona at the time I had a plant up in Alhambra and I came home at 3.30 in the morning 3. 30 in the morning with 400 door openings on the truck I got a contract for 700 homes in American Housing Guild in San Diego it was 7,000 door openings you know and when I came into my house there the little house we lived in in Corona Del Mar carrying out a bath ready for me at 3.30 in the morning, and I slid in the bathtub, and I sat down, smoked a camel, and inhaled, and she came in with a pitcher of martinis, you know. And I sat there and drank martinis and smoked my camel and told her how well we were doing, you know. Slept for 45 minutes, took a shower, was down in San Diego, which was 100 miles, and delivered us 400 door openings, and before 8 o'clock and shot right back up to Hamburg. This was the highlight of my drinking, you know. A couple of years later, they fired me from my own door factory. But that was my highlight. You know, I have three beautiful girls in the sun and we took them to church on Sundays. That's the right environment to bring them up and give them a good start in life. That's how I was brought up. But the last four years of my drinkin', there was a morning drinker and Karen usually inspected me down Sunday mornings and many times she took one look at me and she said, not today, Johnny. Uh-uh. And it hurt my feelings when she took off down the street with the kids in the car and I had to stand in the corner at home. Sometimes I ran down the block after her screaming and hollering. My neighbors were usually outside talking about the lawn problem and here I came running by, you know. Sometimes I was strangely clad. I mean, if you ever saw a guy in his Swedish flannel pajamas Coming down the street You knew something must be wrong, you know She saw me in the rearview mirror Coming there like a bat out of hell after her So she stopped down the block and waited for me And rolled down the window and said Johnny, what's the matter now? I said, don't forget to pray for me And when I got there, I didn't feel like I belonged, but I tried. Oh, God, I tried and I looked sincere and hummed a lot. I couldn't sit through the sermon many times. That ordeal there was... I was brought up in a Luton church in Sweden and it's grim. Called me a sinner 32 times in an hour, you know. Sometimes I got up in the middle of the whole deal and I said, oh, screw them all, you knows. They were just a bunch of hypocrites anyhow. And then I went home and got drunk, you now. I can't tell you how many times I was drunk in that congregation in Schultz in Anaheim. It was incredible. Two years later, I had progressed a little bit. One week, Karen said to me, She said, let us try the Episcopalian shirts next Sunday Because the Congregational certainly doesn't do the job And I said, it sounds terrific to me And she said, yeah, they have very colorful costumes down there They sing a lot and you like music, it might hit you I had been drinking to five that morning I still had a shakes when I woke up So I went out in the kitchen and drank a little codeine cough medicine And two shots of bourbon stopped the shakes And tightened my belt and walked on with small steps And tried to look effective And passed inspection and came to the church the only thing I can say to you the routine in the Episcopalian church it really ain't for drunks it's a very busy place you know I mean they get up and down and kneel and pray and sit and stand and sing I was up and done three, four times then my timing got off when they sat down I stood up and in Sweden when we don't know the words we sing talala when I came up there the second time and gave it to a lawyer you could hear a guy five rows behind me he says sit down you son of a bitch I'm quite sure that you're glad that I'm not with your parish tonight. Third time down praying, I couldn't get up again, you know. I clunked the bench. I tried every trick in the book I knew I had to get up and couldn't make it. Tried it sideways and backwards and forwards. Even tried a roll-up. he kind of sat down and looked at me and said please Johnny get up I said it's an absolute impossibility so they went up and down and I sat down saying by myself you know next time I looked behind me they were all down praying here's this guy in the row behind me laying down his knees his chin his hand mumbling he looked real serious he looked right at me And I sat down on the floor and stared at him Sometimes you look at the guy, you focus in And you lock and you can't move, you know He stared at me, I stared at Him, and then I thought I better look a little casual So I winked my eye to him Kind of stopped him for a minute So we didn't go back to the Episcopalian church I don't think alcoholics have a problem with alcohol Until they try to stop drinking And then all hell breaks loose And when I started to try to start drinking Weird things began to happen to me when I stopped drinking a couple of days later I got the shakes and then a couple of shots of whiskey stopped the shakes so I could function and see my customers and and then I had to con myself into why I had to have a couple of drinks all the time and then the battle was on you know and two years after this peculiarity began with me I weirder things happened to me when I stopped drinking. One morning at four o'clock, I sat up in my bed and stared in front of me and this big white snake came out of the wall. Never saw anything like it in my life. Unbelievable sight. He was this big in diameter, 23 feet long, had three black eyes and he came slowly across the room and stopped right in front of my face and started to hiss at me. You know, I couldn't even smell him. It was kind of a Peralta sweet smell kind of mortuary smell to the whole deal. I'd never seen anything like it. And he stood on his, you know, tongue and all ding in there, like this, and I sat down and stared at this godly monstrosity and I screamed so loud from fright that my brain exploded for my own sound and then I fell backwards unconscious. That's how I experienced it. Karen told me the next morning, she said, something very strange happened this morning around 4 o'clock. She said, you sat straight up in bed and stared in front of you for quite some time and then you said, That's how it was To me, it was the damnedest thing I ever done I went to my bed a couple of times the first time little Katrina got to blame for it second time it wasn't her fault I just laid on reason I said ah to hell with it if she can do it I can do you know and that's what I'd become at that time in my life and today I'm very grateful I'm just a simple alcoholic because we have these evidences of self-degregation and I believe this is God who let us see how we really are laid on and perhaps then there will be enough panic in us that we seek help and some of us will have the great fortune of finding this fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous a way to live one night I made love to my wife when she wasn't even down that's kind of tricky she was laying two feet away from me there and she said what are you doing over there I said, I beg your pardon. I mean, I always had a lot of class. And she realized what was going on, and she started to laugh at me. And I started to cry because I felt it was humiliating to laugh with the guy who was doing his best. Next morning, I'd been out in the kitchen, and I'd had my Cody and Kaufman's and my bourbon. She met me in the hallway, and then she said, Well, good morning, lover boy. I really didn't feel any pain. I just smiled at her. I said, that's the best peace I've had in a long time. I like to tell you that the last four years of my drinking, anything and everything to forsake it is an important term I tried to use to stop and nothing worked. I swore on the Bible in front of my wife and kids one time, and that was very important to me. I was very strict brought up, and I thought if I used this thing that means so much to America, I'd probably stay stopped. But two weeks later, I was drunk. And I went to minister for counseling every week for an hour for 18 months and leveled with him. And he finally divorced me. You know, he realized that if he should sit and listen to my reasons and justifications, why I had to drink and carry on the way I did. He was actually going to contribute to and eventually help me to die from this thing called alcoholism. And he realized that I had to find my bottom foot all down. He realized that we lacked identification. Thank God for this guy's wisdom, you know. And so when he wouldn't talk to me anymore, I went to a psychiatrist. I spent $2,000 on psychiatry. He really never said anything to me. My wife didn't tell me for free three times a day, you now. I tell you we used to sit on a we could sit on a Sunday afternoon and I played my favorite music Stan Getz or Dave Brubeck or Labu-Aim or Coleman Hawkins played I Can't Get Started or Grieg or Norske you know some groovy music like that you know and I said listen to this solo isn't it the most beautiful thing you ever heard in your life and the kid said daddy it's really fantastic and i said i sat down thought this is how i would like to be all the time and sure god must be in his home right now and i even felt to be the self-worth that i couldn't be all bad when we had these vibes and this communication you know and then uh karen could say very low key to me she said please johnny don't drink for a little bit no please i said you goddamn bitch you had to blow it you couldn't let me feel as good could you had to turn that knife around then i went out in the kitchen and drank four drinks or whatever he took, and then I came in in the living room and ranted and raved for two hours. I held it on in his chair that she couldn't get out of, and I accused her of things that she hadn't even done. And the implication alone as such will make a person feel like they have done it. So no wonder that this is a family disease, and thank God for the Al-Anon and the Alateen program, how important that is. I'd like to tell you that one time I was in the wagon for three weeks and we should go to Palm Springs and start over again. And I had an ultimatum. I hadn't had a vacation for five years. In fact, I didn't dare to leave town because I was safe there. They took my checks that weren't always good. But I had a shot to count at Al's Party Pantry, and I really panicked that morning we should go to Palm Springs. I drank a fifth of whiskey before we should leave and drove 80, 90 miles from now to Palm Spring with four kids that were crying. Karen was hysterical, and I had to get there while it lasted. And she was convinced that that was my way of telling her I didn't love her anymore and wanted out of it. And the second day or day, she just looked at me and said, you know, I just can't live like this any longer. And locked herself in the bathroom and drank a ton of aspirin stone and said, I'm going to kill myself. And I laid on that bed and prayed to God hoping she was going to die so she didn't have to be with me anymore because I knew that I had no way out of where I was in. And that's how it works and that's the way it is and that' s the way it usually ends. But by the grace of God she got sick and she didn' t die but it was that close. Two years after this incident I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and you can draw your own conclusions of those two years were under my guilt connector with it. Two years before I came in to A80 fired me from my own door factory. Two days before I came in to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was picked up on a Trifty Martin and I'm trying to steal a pint of liquor for $3.57. It was the first time I couldn't even, I didn't even bother to defend myself. There was nothing left for me. But that was the third time that I could see what alcohol had done to me. And I just stood there and whimpered in that 50-mile 10 o'clock. I weighed 246 pounds at the time. I hadn't been able to get drunk or sober for those ten months. And I said, it can't be me. Look where I came from. I was brought up in the most favorable circumstances. I had two nurses that dressed and bathed me until I was ten years old. We had six gardeners to make the flowerbeds pretty where we were trotting around in our frocks. They read fairy tales for me at three in the afternoon and gave me a banana, you know. Very beautiful. But I'll tell you something. That morning in Anaheim at 10 o'clock, I looked exactly like a person who has to steal a pint of liquor to stay alive. And I walked out of that place. He said, God let me die soon. I just can't hack it much longer. that evening Karen had talked to me again and she said do you do this to drive me crazy or don't you love me at all anymore I said I thought it was the other way around you always bitch and complain when I'm a little drunk so I thought you didn't love me so we talked our hearts out that night and when we went to bed an hour later we were like a happy kid there was a renewal there and I thought everything was going to be alright you know she still loves me and that morning she waved goodbye to me she still loved me it's going to be ok my boss then that told me don't go in and see so-and-so if you have been drinking he doesn't want to have your whiskey breast in his office that afternoon i should see this developer i had a shakes bed and i went into the mink to have a couple of shots so i could function and see him and two drinks didn't do it anymore i had seven or eight drinks and and then i realized that i was too drunk to green down i didn't dare to do blow that job and i just sat in the parking lot there outside that bar I just wept and I said God what has happened to me what has happened to us I had such fabulous plans help me or let me die soon I just can't hack it much longer and the next day Karen looked at me she said Johnny for years because of the children we have stayed together but now because of them we have to part and either you go down and try that thing called Alcoholics Anonymous or else out you go again and that's oh, I came in here and I didn't think this would work either. When I came into that, they said, do you have a drinking problem? I said, hell no, I get along just famously with it. Can you do something for my wife? She's crazy. And that's the attitude we have to have. That's the arrogance to protect our own deals because we don't know that this is going to work. Look what I tried, you know. I swore on the Bible. I went to minister for 18 months. I spent two grand on psychiatry. One time I bought a doppelganger Arabian horse. I was sober for a day and a half with that damn horse, and then I thought, what can those flakes do for me in here? But it happened to me the next day. Charlie Rick, my friend and sponsor, got hold of me, and he said, Johnny, come home with me and let us talk. And we sat in his patio, and he told me his story, and that's what I think is important in Alcoholics Anonymous. One drunk talking to the other and the identification between the two. And when he was true with his story, I realized that he was worse than I was and he depended more than I did on it and he was sober. And I said, you were that bad and you can stay off that sauce? And he said, yes. And I knew he was telling the truth. But I tried one more thing. I said Charlie, you don't understand every time I stop drinking I get the shakes and weird things happen to me. he said you will only shake for four or five days and then you never have to shake again as long as you live and I didn't know that and I sat down and thought what information this guy is coming up with you know then he told me about the disease of alcoholism he called it an allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind and he said the first drink is a mental one to make you comfortable and then the body takes over and creates more boost and you cannot control your drinking pattern or your behavior pattern so things were falling in place That evening I was in a meeting. When they went to a portion of chapter 5 that we always do at our place, I just sat down and said, please God help me today to stay sober. And it wasn't a big deal, you know. I always thought the spiritual experience would be something like, kaboom, yes John, what can I do for you? You know. But it wasnít like that at all. It was merely a feeling. And my thoughts were these, that perhaps after all this dies away from me too. When I came home that night, I said to my wife, I said, you know, it happened to me tonight. I don't have to drink anymore. And she said, your eyes look different. And I haven't had a drink or any codeine cough medicine or strange pills or funny cigarettes since that day. It's 19 years and three months and 16 days ago. If you want to be real picky. I have probably never experienced so much fear as I did for the next two months you know, I you know I had a lot of anxieties about my children because I wanted to be good father I knew I wasn't most of the time I was $36,000 in the hole small bills, all due and carrying a suicide attempt just about drove me crazy. It's very hard to live with when you realize that you're a broken and not a human being spirit. But I didn't drink, and I went to meetings. That's all I had going for me for a while. But I tell you, when the phone rang at home, I couldn't even talk. I just said, and I split and hid in a closet, you know. I had a three-piece Brooks Butter suit on, but I sat on the floor in that closet, and I just wept, and I said, and I tell ya, it was incredible. I sat on the front row in meetings in Anaheim, and I just wept. I had ten days of sobriety when I said one night, I said, you don't understand, I feel so goddamn guilty. And I was an old-timer who said, Johnny, the reason you feel so guilty is because you're guilty. You know? and there were guys like that that saved my life and for the first time I could admit it it was my fault without reservations you know as long as we pin it on somebody else nothing can happen to us but when we can accept and realize the responsibility of our own actions then we have a chance You know, I, but when the meeting closed, you know, I came to the conclusion whatever they had done or she had done or said, I drove them to it. And then I was free. But when that meeting closed I stood down and, you Know, I regretted that I had copped out and admitted it was my fault. I, the only thing that had going for me, it was that I came to the conclusion no matter what I was not going to take another drink I had no more rights when it came to liquor whatever was coming my way I had to stand on face to music but I couldn't split with booze anymore so I had actually taken the first two steps in this program and didn't know it but how do you turn your wheel in life over to care of God as you understand him and what is the spiritual experience in Alcoholics Anonymous us. Well, that happened to me moments later as I stood all alone and afraid. This guy came up to me, put his arm around me and said, Johnny, don't worry. Everything is going to be all right. And I believed him. And I clung to that for some time. In fact, for quite a while here, the people in the program really gave me the courage to face my wrongs and my difficulties because they talked to me in a fashion I'd never experienced before. They didn't point fingers and There was no judgment. They just shared their own experiences from heart to heart. And this love and this care that goes on in these rooms is really the most healing commodity that we can offer being offered. It suits us back to good health and it gives us a God of our very own that we Can trust under any condition and He's here for everybody. In fact, Clancy was very instrumental there in that period of my life because he came down to... I was two months sober and it was just before Christmas and Clancy had 104 degrees fever. He was very ill and he told his story so seriously and he shared that part with his son and it just saved me. And I thought, can that guy stay sober for four and a half years? Maybe there's a chance for me too. and as far as I'm concerned he hasn't been able to do anything wrong since you know all the ridicule I take from him over the years you know I my wife wasn't you know I'll tell you something for quite a while. I still think that it could never get fixed. You know, it would never be all right. And there were some times when I felt like I didn't give a damn whether I drank or not again, you know, because I knew my life was really over with. The only thing that kept me sober at times was Carolyn and Claudia's eyes. My two oldest ones, they were 13 and 10. I saw them just looking at me when I came home whether I was drunk or sober they were like sensitive little fawns you know and they were so delicate because they never dared to say anything they just watched and I just couldn't break the heart anymore and that was when I got insane enough to thinking about well screw it I can't take it anymore this goddamn guilt you know and they were really the reason for quite a while there you know i uh i thought for quite awhile that it could never get fixed in fact carrie wasn't that impressed with my sobriety in the beginning one time she said to me you know before he had abuses across now i have those goddamn meetings she said are you that kind of a weakling that you can't stand on your own two feet I said yes I am that kind of a weekling and she said where are you going I said I'm going to a meeting because I don't want to get drunk and it was the first time it dawned on her that I wasn't on the wagon this time something had really happened to me and then she joined the program of Al-Anon and has really been a fabulous love affair ever since you see sometimes we are strong when we can come to the point to admit weakness that's our strength and survival here and you know I said in the beginning here you know we over here are the lucky ones because we have a chance why is it so necessary that we should do this alone when we do it so well together I envy you newcomers what you're going to discover providing you go to meetings. I just envy you what you're going to discover providing you go to meeting. And you don't believe me now and I didn't believe it when I came in but it was the greatest opportunity I ever had in my life when I was beaten down to nothing. So don't fret that we have all been there. Think about it though. It doesn't matter how bad it is you're sitting on an opportunity if you're throwing a towel and let us help you. They carried me for a long time. Ah, yeah. Long ago now, my wife said to me that it wasn't always your fault. Long ago now, she said, you know, John, this life we live today is really the most fabulous adventure. And it was such a tragedy and it has turned so completely around. There is even a degree of innocence between us today. And it's almost it's impossible to conceive that something like that could happen to us too, that we're so tragic and so bitter and so hostile. But that has come to pass because she is just as busy in Al-Anon as I am in AA. And we have seen so many people over the years come in and turn around and start to be good to one another. So all that thing hasn't been in vain. It has come into use. No life has a meaning and a depth and a purpose that I... I am so grateful that I'm part of this thing. Oh, it's nine. Well, folks, I came a long way. I would like to touch briefly on resentment because it seems to be our number one killer and we can't afford a luxury of resentments. i had resentments against my uh my wife and my younger brother but they were easy to forgive because i loved them both very much but my older brother was different he was the one that was responsible for my inferiority complex and a lot of hurt and i couldn't understand when we grew up why he hated me as he did when he was 12 years old he weighed 200 pounds and he used to beat the hell out of me i even pretended that i had fainted you know and i felt like not much of a man when i didn't stand up but i was a very little guy compared to him and he always used to tell me how dumb i was he drowned me when i was 13 years old we walked in the ocean in sweden and he grabbed me by the hair and held me under till i heard my father's voice talking to me from the other side It's an unbelievable, frightening thing to be drowned. And I, my reaction, why does he hate me so much? And then I was told here, you know, that I had to forgive my resentments. And I resented that. I thought, am I supposed to be some sort of a second-class citizen because I've joined this double-A crap? You know? Anybody walk over me, you know And I said, oh, forgive you And I got to make some more to that And tried a serenity prayer Like, oh I learned a lady today And it didn't work well Not too much Then I said Give me some directions And they said Try to understand your sentiment I could understand a lot But then I turn around And that's another ball game i said why did he dislike me so much how did i interfere in his life and you know and then he came to me the whole deal was that our father favored me you know i was a little guy and believe it or not when i was little i was absolutely adorable he was obese and he was not a lap baby and he was a real introvert and he stood down looked from the side and he always watching the show when I got hugged and I started to get a little understanding in it and he turned absolutely around now I hadn't had any communication with my brother for 15 years I wrote him a letter twice a year but i never got an answer you know and you know it when i was true with when i were true i realized that i really owed him some amends for this and i wonder how can i handle this now i haven't heard from him for 15 years the next day i got in a letter from him and he is telling me everything he has achieved and done when he went to high school he took gymnastics seven days a week. He graduated from A in college, he was in the Olympics five times carried a Swedish flag and it was an officer on a gentleman and he was incharge of this Sempert rubber factory for Scandinavian countries and he lived in his castle and he is rattling up all the things that he has achieved and he telling you know what our father said and what our father said our father's said and I thought God he has been dead for 20 years and the guy is still just trying to get the approval and can't get it because he had been dead all these years. And his whole life had just been lived to please him and get the approval, and he never got it. And I just wrote him this little line. I said, Bartholomew, our father would have been alive today. He would have taken you in his arms and said you have succeeded beyond my greatest expectations, your loving brother John. And I haven't had a resentment since. But you know what the payoff with this whole deal came about? I lost my inferiority complex you know that is an unbelievable thing that happens to us when we are forced to work these steps you know that we never anticipate even you know I I know it drives old time was crazy when you go over time in AA so I'm going to try to wrap this thing up here in a little elegant manner here I have a friend in Glendale his name is Bob Lemkin he's a full-blooded German and I had a little problem with the Germans during the war I really hated them with passion and I thought I could never forgive them you know and I knew this guy for four years and I realized I loved him it was quite an experience every his birthday he invites me to Glendales to talk He invites me, but he's one of these stout J.A.'s that you don't save any souls after 10, buddy. You know, it was 10 o'clock and I had a minute and a half to wrap up my story, and he sits back down. He said, John, it's 10, for God's sake, it'S 10. I said, for G-d's sake Lemke, this is only an A.A. meeting. We ain't marching into Poland tonight, you know. You know, it was a big day for me when I was right and didn't have to tell it. It was even a bigger day for me when I could give everybody else the right to be wrong when I didn't have to interfere in God's timetable. My kids have had problems too, booze and pot and cocaine and so on, but I never have to give them any ultimatums that involve rejections. I have always left the door open, but I haven't either contributed. You know, I had to leave my son that was on that heavy on that—he's my youngest. And I said, you know, you haven't done a thing for three years. You have been sitting there getting stoned every night. And i said, I know I can't tell you to quit but i will not contribute to it i had four kids when i was in the prime of my drinking i said you have to go out and work and support your own habits at least and uh this thing we room and board is over with but i won't tell you he has been off that thing there was pot and beer that he was on he has being clean now for two and a half years it's beautiful You know, my two youngest ones, they can't even remember me drinking. And I'm so extremely grateful that I'd like to tell you that these 19 years that I have been allowed to be around here, I have experienced everything with him that I had hoped my father could have experienced with me. And I have actually sensed his presence all along. I like to tell you, I go to five or more meetings a week and have for all these years. I work very hard. I'm up early, I'm late to bed. I sponsor a lot of guys in AA. I am very grateful that I can be on such a close level with so many. It's a privilege. And Karen's mine relationship, it's incredible. Now I've been married to her for 34 years and that's almost immoral you know. She was 17 years old when I met her in Stockholm and I'm sure it wasn't bad then but it's still very romantic between us. I still like expectations or things not yet done. The simplest line I can lay on you that our relationship is, a couple of years ago she stood and looked at me, she said, John if you ask me I'll run away with you. It's really nice and it's all because of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd like to tell you that every night before dinner know before I go to my meetings, I go down to the beach in Laguna where we live and swim for half an hour most year around. That's the time of the day when I look over my life, my priorities. That's a time of day when you're not alone. That is the time when I have the most intimate privacy and I cannot but recognize the miracle of this program of ours that we can live without alcohol. That is really the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And then, when we put down no conditions in our sobriety and we have no reservations about the 12 steps and the 12 traditions, this way of life that's laid out for us in the big book, what happens to us then when we practice these principles in all our affairs is simply this. That we men and women can live out there in that world where the conflicts are where we used to get in trouble and we will fit in out there and be part of it. we can really be like god's kids like we were intended to be in the first place think about that any other therapy pertaining to the series of illness of ours people are confined behind doors and walls and locks and bars it's not in jail that we have a problem with liquor it's nothing institution the care units we cannot remain in there forever eventually we have to go out then out there in that mainstream of life and living and that's what this program is all about and when we start to live and lead lives where we don't have to justify our own actions we can really take these strong feelings and emotions we have within ourselves and turn them all into positive and i for a fact there is more a lot more good out there than they are bad and if that ain't the payoff i don't know what is if i have said nothing you can identify with tonight just go to another meeting tomorrow but if you will believe this and take this with you when you leave tonight and if you're a little bit like i was when i first came in I woke up with two things every morning and it was loneliness and fear if you would just believe this that we only wish you well and we only want good things for you if you can just believe that and take that with you you will never wake up lonely anymore because you know by now there's a way to go and God love you and thank you so much for listening