The Anonymity of Chuck C. and Joe L. – 1968 – Mary S.

Out of the most pleasant part of my task here today is the introduction of our speaker. I have known her for several years, and I've observed her in her work in her own group over at Charlotte. You know, I can get just a little more out of the speakers that I hear when I know that they are working back home in their groups and not just giving us a lot of hoopla. Mary is a real worker, and she just exudes sunshine and love wherever she goes. But now you guys don't get any wrong ideas about Mary. She'll kiss you on the cheek, but now, I can tell you, don't expect much more. Except a mighty good talk. It's a real pleasure and I consider it an honor to present Mary of Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, I'm so nervous I'm left-handed. Thank you, Dave. One of the greatest blessings that I have received since I came to AA was to know and to love this man. I know that today I'm a better woman for being able to consider Dave my friend now Dave is a hog about girlship and I'm a hog about fellowship and this girlship kind of leaves me cool girls I can't help it I learned to love you but at one time I flat hated you because, you see, I hated myself. I wish the first three rows would kind of move back. If the same thing happens to me here this afternoon that happened to me in 1960 out in Long Beach, California, I was privileged to be one of the speakers. Now, this was a big deal for me. And I went into the auditorium that night and there I saw about 18,000 pairs of white eyeballs. And this precious character was standing up there. I won't break his anonymity, but his initials are Chuck Chamberlain. And this doll was standing upstairs, and he made the most beautiful talk, as Chuck always does. And he got a 15-minute standing ovation. and then here they drug old turkey turnips up to the platform and I threw up all over the stage. There was an old tall Texan standing there getting ready to introduce me. I won't break his anonymity either but his initials are Joe Leaf and that old character was standing there and here I am so sick and so nervous And that dude looked down there at me and he said, Doll, don't let it worry you. Some of us are sicker than others. So if you all don't get busy praying for this gal, you're liable to have to clear out the first three rows. I want to ask you a question. Has anyone told you today that they loved you? If they have, I'm happy for you. If they haven't, let me be the first one to tell you. Because without you and your love, I wouldn't be here today. Because you see, I bless the day I became an alcoholic. Because had I not been an alcoholic, I wouldn' t have you. And without you, I am a nothing. you people here in Tennessee have been observant of some of the same things in AA that I treasure making my love for you even greater and the warmth of your friendship over the years has been another rich experience in my life above and beyond the benefits of sobriety now I've just got to share this with you before I get on with this business at hand I want to tell you all about my arrival in Knoxville, Tennessee yesterday. You know, I don't know how we alcoholic women can get into such a message, it ain't easy. I had been up all Thursday night with the poor old sick gal, no sleep. I got home and took a bath and changed my clothes and caught that Piedmont Airlines. Well, if you all have ever ridden Piedmonds, you know it's held together with bailing wires and band-aids. And I was shook and shook and shook, and as soon as we got here, a precious man met me at the plane and took me out front, and he said, now you stay right here, and I'll pick you up in a minute. And all of a sudden, I looked up, and he starts to put me in this wagon. Would you all believe that wagon contained instant bedrooms? Well, I thought this is a little weird, you know But I gotta get to the hotel So any way I can get there Is the same to do So we started down the highway And I looked up and there was a sign That says Knoxville to the right And Chattanooga to the left This dude peels off to the west I thought, uh-oh I got another one And, you know, I've been accused of this a lot in AA, and I'll dwell on that a little bit later on. But it's like I tell some of these gals in AA girls, you can think whatever you want to but you'll never really know. And this dude peels off to the left and I thought, uh-huh, I got me a good one here. I said, by the way, daughter, you missed a sign back there. He said, oh, no. And I thought, well, I better let this boy have it right now. He said we're going on a 12-step call. Now, I needed a 12‑step call, but I needed that holding man. And we peeled off to some institution over there. I don't know where it was. And we went in to see this poor little sick gal. And we came out and I said now listen, you old dude, I'm familiar with this road up here. Now, let's get on with the business at hand. Let's get back to the hotel. And that was my precious Frank sitting up here on the front row. There's been a time I've seen we might have gone on to Chattanooga for about three days. If he'd had a lot of booze and a lot of good conversation, we might've made it. I'm so grateful today to be able to be here with you people. I'd much rather be sitting out there because I love AA. I asked myself a question a few years ago, folks, and that question was, who am I? And I came up with these answers. First, I am a child of God. And secondly, I'm a member of the greatest disorganized organization in the world, Alcoholics Anonymous. And thirdly, my name is Dizzy Blonde Kissing Mary Sutton. And I'm an alcoholic. Now, I want to tell you all how I got that reputation as kissing Mary. My sponsor told me when I got to AA, I had to start loving people and stop shoving them. And he said, show people that you love them. Well, the only way I knew to do this was just run up and kiss everybody on the cheek. In fact, one of these little gals said to me after I got back from California, said, Mayor, I heard you kiss everybody in California. I said, No, doll, just the men. And you know something? An alcoholic preacher walked up to me one day and told me I was being too handy with the men, and this shook me. he said that's all right to be demonstrative but just don't overdo it now you might be offensive to some of the wild well you see at this time i thought everybody loved everybody else and i thought anybody loved me but folks i found out they didn't but you know i don't worry about it because that's their problem there but i my sponsor had told me for every problem that will ever come up as long as you live, Mary. There's an answer to it either in the big book or in the Bible. And I had a resentment toward this old alcoholic preacher and I thought I got to find the answer for that boy. AndI searched the scriptures, preacher, and I found it. Because the scripture says the word is as a two-edged sword, isn't it? And I couldn't wait to hit this old preacher with this two-edged sword. And I went to a convention shortly after that, and I said, come here, preach, I want to show you something. And I opened the good book, and there it says, greet thy friend with a holy kiss. Ah, isn't that wonderful. And the old bird didn't know it was in there. And I said, now preach. If you say my smooching and my kissing is not holy, then you are guilty of judging me, aren't you, doll? And I say, the good Lord has a lot to say about folks judging other folks. that preacher spoke to me to this day as I told you I am here because I am one of God's kids and because he loves me and because he saw fit to give me this beautiful gift the miracle of AA and because he also gave me people like you that were willing to help me find my way But I have not found it necessary to take a drink, nor any substitute, since December the 28th, 1951. Now, I wish that I could stand here today and tell you people a beautiful story, but I'd be as phony as a $3 bill. the big book says to tell what alcohol did to me and what AA has done for me and to put it on the teenage level my sons say mom tell it like it is and that's all I'm qualified to do I wish that I could stand here and tell you that I came from a family that was well fixed well I guess I did we were in one hell of a fix Preacher, I'm trying to quit my cussing But it slips out It just slips out sometimes I can't help it As dear Jim said last night Defect of character I'm working on it I was dropped into this family And wouldn't you know It was a bunch of Irishmen There were five alcoholic brothers that preceded me into this Irish family. Now, you know, you don't have to be Irish to be an alcoholic, but it sure does help. And I knew what alcohol could do. I was the baby and the only girl of these five boys. And I was a very odd child from the very beginning because I loathed and I despised this alcohol. Hall. I had seen it literally destroy five wonderful boys. My father was seeking a means of escape for me, and he gave me training as a dancer, as a young girl. And he told me if I'd study real hard and get out of school, he would see to it that I got away. And I did, folks. I studied hard because I wanted to get away from this motley crew. And I went to New York and I became a professional dancer. I worked hard. It's not easy to be a good dancer and it's long, hard work. And this I wanted more than anything in this world to be, a Radio City Rockette. Because they are the world's greatest precision dancers. And you see, I had to be the greatest. We have an old saying in show business that no matter how your feet hurt or your heart hurt, the show must go on. And one day I was real sick. And these friends of mine called in a doctor. The doctor said, I cannot give this girl a sedative. If I do, she won't make the show. He said, But I suggest you give her a drink of whiskey. Well, as that golden elixir began to flow through my body, As old Joe Lee says, it's just like swallowing an umbrella And when it gets down there, it just opens up And this is what that first drink did for me But I want to go back I'm getting way ahead of myself, folks I'm not wrapped too tight today Y'all have to put up with me During my early childhood I began to loathe and despise my high power, my mother. My mother didn't understand me and she didn't want me because I was a menopause baby girl and nobody wants a menepause baby. But there wasn't extreme poverty in this family but there wasn' t plenty either. And back in those days My mother used to buy these flour in these flour sacks, you know, and when she finished with them, she'd take them and wash them out and bleach them and make me little unmentionables out of them. And I had to be real, real careful how I walked and not stump my toe because right back there across my little whatchamacallit was Pillsbury's Best. I was telling this story out in Texas one time and this old Julian B. got up behind me and he says, it's a good thing mine and Mary's paths didn't cross then because he said my mother made mine out of self-rising. I became a Radio City Rockette, as I said, through hard work. But boy, I had found this bottle, and I loved everything about it. But you know, if you have this alcoholic personality, you know what's going to happen. And I didn't play around with the stuff. I got on with it. And in a few short years, I ended up in John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland, in alcoholic convulsions, DTs, and bronchopneumonia. One of my little pigeons asked me the other day, he said, Mary, did you ever have DTs? I said, Lord, honey, I had them before they even came in style. But now how sick can this stuff make you? And I was still a young girl. And I was so sick that my doctors had told me that after three months being confined to the hospital that I could never dance again. So I had to go home to my mama and to these five brothers. Now, life for me at this time was just about over, I thought. I don't know how my brothers had managed to do this, but over the years they had married five alcoholic women. and when I got home there were 11 of us under one roof now can you all imagine that that was weird folks now this is a period of my life that I just don't even like to talk about because you can readily believe that we made Forever Amber look like the Christian Herald I too had found this stuff but I didn't know what to do about it and before I forget to tell you folks like I said I'm not wrapped too tight today I want to tell you this I have buried all five of those brothers and four of those sister-in-laws and I was the only one that found AA. How lucky can a gal get? I thank God for AA. I married a young boy that I'd been in love with since I was eight years old. There was a war going on about that time, somebody told me. I thought those people were fighting with that bunch of Irishmen I was living with. And this boy was a prisoner of war, And I thought, well, I better do my bit for the war effort. And I sat down and wrote him a letter. And he says he cursed the day he ever received that letter. Because when he was released from the POW, he came home and we renewed our love and he asked me to marry him. And he said he knew what hell was. He had been in hell for three years. But he said little did he know he was going to marry an alcoholic and start World War IV. But we were married, and he had a lot of things in his favor. Oh, he was so gorgeous in that uniform. Oh, He was a living dog. And this man has never had a drink in his life. He's never smoked a cigarette. But I guarantee you, he ain't perfect. But he was still in the Air Force. He was an old hot pilot. And we moved to Dayton, Ohio. And shortly after we got to Dayton... ...I found out that I was going to be a mommy. And my dears, with all my heart, I wanted to be a good wife and I wanted to be good mother to my children. And my first little boy was born in Dayton, and shortly after that we moved back to Charlotte. I no more than learned how to put on a diaper and fix the formula until I found out I was going to have another baby. We got a law in North Carolina against shooting your husband. They'll put you in one of those little holes, you know, and shoot that sign out at you. And I thought, well, dear Lord, there's nothing I can do here but just get drunk. I can't go through nine months of this anymore. And I had babies the hard way, girl. And I crawled into the bottle. And when I was eight months pregnant with this child, I was rushed to the hospital in alcoholic convulsions. but the God I've come to know answers prayer and I'm sure that night my husband was praying and that baby was saved that little boy is 18 years old today and I'll tell you about him later my father was my God because my father was pure love my father loved me no matter what and in the summer in July of 1951 my father had been very ill with heart trouble and I didn't allow him to work and he begged me so hard that summer to let him take a job as a little night watchman and I did and he only worked one week and three days and this criminally insane man went in apparently to rob the place and beat my father to death and then shot him right in the face Well, my God was gone. I loved my children and I loved husband as much as I was capable of loving them. But I had nothing to hold onto. My daddy was gone, and all I wanted out of life was oblivion, and I knew how to get it. At this time I had seen three of my brothers drink themselves to death. a devout coward, I just can't commit suicide. But I crawled into the bottle and for five solid months, my dears, I was drunk, twenty-four hours a day. Now during this five-month period, you know how your families get on your neck? His family especially, they were coming at me with all these old cliches, you know, about, now Mary, why don't you drink like a lady? Have y'all ever seen a drunk lady? I ain't. And why don'T you simmer down, you know, and don'T take a drink till after five in the evening? Oh, that old daddy rabbit of them all, Mary, Why don'T You Use Your Willpower? Well, it's sort of like that poor old drunk that his wife tried so hard to sober up. And she was standing over him and she was pounding away with him, said, oh my dear, why can't you sober up? Why don't you use your willpower? And the old drunk looked up at her and he said, Maul, old Will's drunk to. I thank God, my dears, that we can laugh today, but may God never let us forget that we cried. My husband came in one day during this five-month period with a brilliant idea. Someone had told him, by this time I was a house drinker. I couldn't get out. He said, Now, Mary, if you'll go downtown and buy you a new hat, maybe it'll do something for your morale. Well, this old boy's getting pretty put out with me, I was afraid, and I thought, well, I'd better do this thing. But you know, alcoholics can't face earth people. And I went by a liquor store and got well fortified, and I suddenly decided I don't like hats. So I staggered into a shoe store with all the dignity that goes with being drunk And I bought 38 pairs of shoes Now, I don't know what my idea was I must have thought all God's kids got to have shoes and I was going to have my share But that poor old boy, till this day, has never suggested I buy another hat and I don't know whether you people will like this or not but I got the idea that my family didn't deserve me and I was going to be the martyr and I was going commit suicide so I go into the bathroom and I took my husband's razor and I flashed both of my wrists and I looked down there and all that blood was pouring out and I said my God I better go tell Howard I could bleed to death insanity alcohol cunning baffling and powerful and the day came my dears when on the floor in my nice clean bedroom lay another victim of the most cunning baffling and powerful disease known to mankind. And this gal was me. Alcohol had pushed everything out of my life that was near and dear to me. Alcohol had robbed me of my husband and my children because he had taken my children the night before and left me. And I was all alone. and most of all alcohol had robbed me of my freedom and my dear without freedom there is no peace but the mercy of my illness was that it had brought me to this point of misery now I had heard about AA from my bishop my husband believed in taking these two little types to Sunday school and church. He didn't believe in sending them. And he would make me get up on Sunday mornings when I was so sick, sick unto death, stinking like an old goat, bleeding at the eyeballs, and take these little tykes to Sunday School and Church. And there was only one man in that church that was ever nice to me. How could these nice, well-dressed, smelling pretty people have anything to do with me? But I resented them and I hated them. But I loved this one man because he was my Sunday school teacher. And he would always go out of his way every Sunday morning to come over and speak to me and make me feel welcome. And then I would have to go and sit in church. And every time my bishop would stand up there and he'd look back to see if I'd made it, and I'd be sitting on the back row and he's saying something like this. I had my sermon all prepared this morning but I'm going to change it and he'd take off on alcohol and then he told me about AA and thank God that my high power saw fit to give me that fleeting moment of sanity and that listening ear that I knew about AA. And that morning of December the 28th, 1951, I called AA. And back in those days, I still hope that you people here in Tennessee do this. We don't do it at home anymore. You can get on a phone and call and call. You can call 15 to 20 people trying to get them to go on a 12-step call and you can't get them. I want to tell you the excuse that I heard the other night to end them all. I had a 12-step call, you know, at that bewitching hour of 2 a.m. This poor gal's dying. And I've learned not to go on 12-stepped calls alone anymore. And I called this gal and I said, come on, honey, get on your horse. We got to go snatch another one from the grave. She says, oh, Mary, I can't go tonight. I just can't do it. I said why can't you go? she says well my girdle's wet I haven't gained much tolerance in AA and I screamed at this sister I said you better get out of that bed and come on and go cause I knew you when you didn't know your girdle from your toothbrush but she didn't go and she missed out on a great blessing because that little gal is sober today. Now, when these three people came to me that morning that I had called AA, and I will tell you this, I believe with all of my heart that there is a great deal of difference between 12-stepping and sponsorship because these three men and these three women came in there that day and they told me about AA. And I want to ask you alcoholic women one thing. Why do alcoholic gals have such dirty feet? My feet were scurvy. And I'm getting to the point now, if I go on a call and if there's a sheet left, you know, for the poor thing to cover up with, I do this automatically. I go in and lift the sheet to see if her feet are dirty. And if they're clean, I just take a dime out of my pocketbook and lay it on the table and say, Hey, doll, call me when you're ready. Your feet ain't dirty. I was telling this not too long ago in another group, Charlotte, and this nice-looking young lady walked up to me. She says, Mary Sutton, I resent what you said. I said, well, okay, doll, resent it. She says I've never had dirty feet in my life. I said, well, praise the Lord, honey. Maybe you're the exception I've been looking for. Well, about a week later when I called on her and the local pokey, her feet were curvy. And the gal's making it down. So girls remember that. If the feet clean, leave them a dime. i was literally carried to my first aa meeting in a man's arm because i had alcoholic paralysis and i could not walk now i want y'all to get this picture here it wasn't hard for the poor old man because i only weighed 89 pounds 100 proof and he carried me through that door and would you believe the first person standing inside of that door with his hand out said to me come on in here hot shot I've been waiting on you a long time was my Sunday school teacher you know you can kill a poor sick alcoholic that way that old dude had been in AA when it was in the Oxford group and I looked at him he said sit down and shut up and listen. Well, about three weeks later, my three 12-steppers walked up in front of the meeting that night and picked up white chips. They'd been drunk. And dear God, this shook me. This shook my very foundation because here were the people that told me that never again as long as I lived would I ever have to take another drink if I didn't want one. And they told me that this message was not how to get sober, but how to stay sober. And I believed them. So after the meeting, I walked up to old Roland, my Sunday school teacher, and I said, Okay, now what do you do now? He said, Well, hot shot, you just get yourself another sponsor. I said okay, doll, if nobody claims me in the next eleven minutes, I'm all yours. He said, Dear God, I ain't ready for you. I said, Well, old boy, you better get ready because I'm all yours. Well, he decided to kind of take me on as a group project, you know. But now let me tell you one thing, girl. I don't know about your sponsors, but this was the toughest old character that ever lived. His sponsor was Dr. Bob, and he told me right quick, he says, now, young lady, you're not going to do it your way. You're going to go to the hospital. You're not doing to it my way. And let me tell you what they used to do back down there in Charlotte, North Carolina. If those characters down there, those old daddy rabbits got a pigeon and the pigeon went out and got drunk, they'd beat them up. I mean it. and I was scared to death because I'd been that route and I didn't want any more beatings. And he also told me, you get in that big book, young lady, and you read it and you reread it. And he checked on me every day to see if I was reading it. And you know how you are when you're first about six months old and your eyes are still crossed and nothing makes sense and you can't coordinate and you think and he'd say, Hot shot, have you read the big book? And I said, yes, Rome, but it's not making much sense to me. He said, well then put it in your arms and take it to bed with you and maybe some of it will rub off on you. Now he was tough like horseradish but this is the kindest, most firm man that I've ever known in my life because this man took the time and the trouble to teach me. Now, I've been in AA, and you all are not going to believe this. Do you know that old dude didn't allow me to get on the platform and make a talk until I'd been sober three years? That's right. He says, you don't have anything to say. They didn't believe in it back in those days. You didn't get one of these 90-day wonders up here carrying the message. never. They tell you right quick, sit down, shut up and listen. And this is the only way it would have worked for me. And I had been in AA almost three years and I would keep calling this sponsor and I'd say, Roland, I'm depressed. He says, well, ding-a-ling, hot shot. Go wash your woodwork. Go wash your woodwork." Now, I've told some girls that I have at home to do this and they look at me like I've lost my mind. But I want you dolls to know I had the cleanest woodwork in Charlotte, North Carolina. And then I got tired of washing it because I'd washed all the paint off. Now I'm a painter. Every time I get frustrated, I get the paint bucket and a brush, and I paint. He didn't allow me to be idle. But after I had been in AA approximately three years, and believe me, I had a pink cloud. I was on the pink cloud because, my God, I was not having to stay drunk. But I had this longing and this yearning in my heart, and I didn't know what it was. There was something missing. And one day I called Rowan and asked him to come by. And I sat there and talked to him, and I was about to get drunk, my dears, but he had told me before you take the first drink, call me. And he sat there very patiently with me, and he said, Mary, I don't believe I can help you anymore. And about this time my sponsor got stupid. He said, but I have a friend that I believe can help you and I want to tell you about my friend. I said, well go in there and call him up please and tell him to take a taxi and come on over here. I'll pay for the taxi fare because I believe you've got to be a nut anyhow and I'm just not getting anything out of you anymore.' He said well just a minute let me tell you about my friend. He says, he's the best friend I've ever had. He's never let me down. He is always there when you want him. And Mary, my friend's name is Jesus. My friend's name is Jesús. And something happened in my heart because, you see, I had rejected God. I had even cursed God. And this is a very wise old bird, my sponsor. And he told me that I must take the eleventh step. I must learn to pray. And I told him, I said, Roland, everybody tells me, even the big book, find the God of your understanding. But Roland, nobody tells me how to find God. Please tell me how to find god. And that blessed man said these words to me. Mary you find somebody you can forgive. You find somebody you can love and you'll find god and I knew my dears this was a moment of truth for me I knew what this man meant I knew that I had to forgive the man That had murdered my father Because Roland told me That my hatred and my bitterness Towards this man Was literally destroying me And he said Mary, I happen to know That your little children Know how to pray Why don't you get them To teach you to pray And that night, my dears I went into the bedroom Where my little tykes Were on their little knees saying their nightly prayers. And I said to them, boys, will you teach your mommy how to pray? And never shall I forget what this little one said to me. And the good book says a little child shall lead them, doesn't it, preacher? This little child looked up with the face of an angel and he said, Mommy, sure, all you do is talk to him. and then he said God I want you to meet my mommy isn't that a wonderful way to meet your high power my sponsor decided since I had this little spark that the thing to do was to take me to some retreat and if you've ever had a bunch of alcoholics praying for you something's going to give and these alcoholics love me enough to pray for me and when I left that retreat three days later I can honestly tell you I had forgiven the man that murdered my father. Because you see this was the greatest thing in the world for me. This was the one thing that I must overcome was this unforgiveness because this is a program of love and forgiveness. And this one big hurdle my sponsor knew that I'm not going to but I must overcome and do it immediately I came down from that mountaintop that weekend, and my feet didn't even hit the ground. And I was feeling pretty good about myself, you know, that old alcoholic ego. And I went to a precious man at another retreat a few weeks later, a man whom I came to know and loved dearly, Dr. Glenn Clark. I told Dr. Clark about my experience, and he said, oh Mary, that's wonderful. But do you know what you have to do now? And I said, what? He said, you have to love him. And I screamed at this saintly man, how sickening can this religion get? Knowing all the time in my heart that this man was telling me the truth. Again, I had a moment of truth. And again, these alcoholics began to pray that God would fill me with his love for this man. And he did it. He did it, folks. And I began to get a feeling that I would like to go to this man and tell him. AndI prayed about it. So I prayed. And about a few days later on the six o'clock news, this man that murdered my father's name was Earl. His picture came up in the television screen and says, criminally insane man escapes from the penitentiary. And I threw up my hands and I said, praise God, I don't have to go anywhere. God is sending this man to me. That night two detectives arrived at my home and one stayed inside and one went outside. And this detective told me, he said, Mrs. Sutton, we have orders to shoot this man on sight because he's a dangerous criminal. Well, I said, I better go in there and make a pot of coffee. I've got to poke this man the message. And I set this man down, and I told him my life story. And i said, you can't shoot this man. God is sending him to me. The next morning at 3 o'clock, my phone rang, and it was this same detective that had been sitting in my living room the night before. And he said to me, Mrs. Sutton, I just caught your man, and I could not shoot him. And He later told me this story. He said that he and his rider were not even supposed to be at the bus station, But they happened to go down there for a cup of coffee. And while they were there, this bus driver walked up to them and said, that man you're hunting just came in on my bus. Well, these two policemen went out and grabbed all the other policemen that they could get. They radioed for help. And they had Earl Block in a four-block area there with every gun that they could get trained on him to shoot him down in cold blood. And Earl walked right into the arms of the man that had been sitting in my living room all night long. Now, some of you may call this a coincidence, but I call it the wonder of God. And the next day I got permission to go down to see him. And this big old burly detective went with me. And when we walked up to the cage, I said to Earl, I said, Earl, how in the world did you get out of that prison up there? Did you just get up and slowly walk away? And he said, yes, ma'am. My dear, they don't know to this day how he got out ofthat prison. But I know. I know that love can open prison doors I know that love opened the prison doors of my heart and this detective told him he said Earl this is the daughter of the man you murdered and dearly beloved may God never let me see a sight like that again it wasn't human he was like a wild animal and I asked him if I could pray for him and I started praying and when I finished I looked up at him and I said Earl God has forgiven you and I have forgiven you and God loves you and I love you my dears I saw the greatest miracle of my life other than my sobriety I saw a wild beast changed in the twinkling of an eye. His face became soft, his eyes became misty, and he looked at me with a dear smile on his face and he said, Thank you, lady. And when I came out of that jail that day, this detective said, Mrs. Sutton, that's probably the first time in his life that anyone has ever told him that they loved him. do you see why I love you so dearly now I tell you this story because that day that I came out of that jail for the first time in my life I knew what it was to be a child of God and I tell you this story because it could have only happened by the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous and because there were people just like you that love me enough to pray for me. Now, I might start World War VI here but I'm going to do it in half. I want to say a few thousand words about gossip in AA. Now, you can disagree with me if you want to but let's disagree agreeably and if that won't work step outside and we'll fight it out. But remember, these five brothers taught me how to fight and they taught me to fight dirty. I'm one gal in AA that believes there is no room for jealousy or envy. There is no for being unkind. My sponsor told me if I ever hear you speak an unkind word about anybody, I'll beat you to death. And he meant it. He says there is no reason to be unkind. I have never in all these years have I ever heard my sponsor say anything ugly about another human being. And I was so tacky one time, I thought I'll catch this sponsor. I've never caught him wrong. I'm never caught in a lie. I thought uh-huh, I've got you, old buddy. I'm going to fix you. And I'd lay awake at night trying to figure out ways to trap him, you know? And I thought, I told him one day, I said, uh-uh, I got you now. I said Roland, what good thing can you say about the devil? And he looked at me preaching and he says, he sure does stay busy, hot shot. He's tough. I never tried him anymore. I gave up, folks. But I have been on the receiving end, my dears, of a lot of gossip in AA. And I used to cry about it. But now I no longer cry because I figure if some of these poor sick people... I call, you know what I call them? I call him candle snuffers. If you got a light to try to snuff it out. I don't believe they really mean to be this way. I believe that somewhere along the line they're missing out on this sweetness of this program. The sweetness of his program. And it lets me know that they need more love. And it's a challenge to me to see that they get that love. now I've gotten kind of tacky back sometimes and I'll tell these gals and gals like I said you can think whatever you want to but you'll never really know but this is being unkind and I for one do not ever intend to defend myself ever again because you see I don't have to defend myself I have a defender and his name is Jesus Christ But now you can hurry up and believe If any of these cats begin to tear up some of my little pigeons Now I can lower the boom But I don't know how many of you knew our co-founder, Dr. Bob He made his last talk in Cleveland in 1950 And with your permission I want you to read or listen to what Dr. Bob had to say about gossip in AA. He says, let us also remember to guard that erring member, the tongue. And if we must use it, let's use it with kindness and consideration and tolerance. And one more thing. None of us would be here today if somebody hadn't taken the time to explain things to us, to give us a little pat on the back, to take us to a meeting or two, to have done numerous little kind and thoughtful acts in our behalf. So let us never get the degree of smug complacency so that we're not willing to extend or attempt to that help which has been so beneficial to us, to our less fortunate brothers. Now, my dears, that came from Dr. Bob. When my Lord walked upon this earth, he walked up to Peter one day and he said to Peter, Peter, do you love me? And Peter said, yes, Lord. And the Lord said, well, tend my sheep. Three times he asked Peter, Peter, did you love mean? And Peter said, Yes, Lord. And he says, Tend my sheep. And you see, at one time in my life I needed a shepherd pretty desperately. And my little boy found a poem in a book one day and brought it to me and said, Mommy, this is for you. And I want to share this with you because it is Mary Sutton. It says, The poor little black sheep that strayed away, done lost in the wind and the rain. And the shepherd, he say, oh, Highland, go find my sheep again. And the Highland say, Oh, shepherd, that sheep in black and bad. But the shepherd he smiled like that little black sheep was the only lamb he had. And the Shepherd go out in the darkness for the night was cold and bleak. And that little Black Sheep, he find it and hold it against his cheek. And the highland crown, oh shepherd, don't bring that sheep to me. But the shepherd he smiled and he hold it close and that little black sheep was me. Now my dears, I have another little black sheep in my family and if you will bear with me a few minutes, I have so much on my heart. Please make a 12-step call on me. I beg you when my youngest son the little boy that introduced his mother to God was 14 years old he took his first drink and my dear for four long years I tasted of a hell that I ceased to believe existed this kid in four years time had been through the goony roof the straight jacket the institutions you name it he'd been through it he had been beaten up so many times by the police he was like Dr. Jim every time he took a drink you better believe he's going to fight somebody and the police had beaten him up so many time that his head you could hear it rattle and again I was powerless over alcohol in my son. I had done everything wrong, believe me. I didn't know what to do. And I want to tell you this, that again, insanity can come with a sober mind because I knew that I was standing at the turning point again and I was powerless to do anything about it. And I got so desperate, I had sent him off to college last year He went to Texas to college and got drunk and stayed drunk and got on pills and the whole route, and they kicked him out in January. And he came home, and it was a 24-hour job with him. Here was this precious, beautiful young boy. And he was so sick. I tried everything in the book, and believe me, girls, one night I was so desperate. And God bless you women in AA. God bless you, Al-Anon. I went to you and I said, my God, girl, help me. Help me to understand I'm dying. And you gathered me in your arms. You didn't criticize me because you've learned that criticism help no one. And you told me what I could do and what I couldn't do. You gave me the courage to face one more day with this sick child. And so it's this, my dear women, I shall be eternally grateful. You told me that I could absolutely nothing. You reminded me of what the big book says that God could and would if he were but salt. My face was worn out. This kid was becoming a threat to my own sobriety. And may I never forget, April the 8th, 1967, it was Black Friday. And my young boy stood in the kitchen that night, all dressed up, looking like a little sharp cookie, and he was going out to a party. And he says, well, I'm not going to get drunk tonight. I said, yeah, I know. I say, but I'll tell you this thing. Young man, if you get drunk tonight, I no longer give a damn whether you live or die. And I suffered. But you know this is what did it. About 2 a.m., my little boy fell through the back door. He had gone totally berserk. He tried to jump out of an automobile and And the boy had drug him on the pavement and there was no skin left from his shoulders all the way down, just pouring blood. He was incoherent. He was wild. And I had to call in seven of the biggest AA men I could find and two ambulance drivers. There were nine big men and it took all nine of these men to put this boy in a straight jacket. And my dear's, he only weighs about 150. And they put him in the ambulance and some of the other boys put me in the car and away we went to the alcoholic hospital. When I got to the hospital, they hadn't brought my Billy in. And I knew, I knew. And about that time this nurse ran in and picked up the phone and she called the doctor and she said, Doctor, you better get here quick. This young boy has swallowed his tongue and his heart has stopped beating. Alcohol, cunning, baffling, and powerful. And all I can remember was this precious young man standing there with me. He's 23 years old, an alcoholic. And he gathered me in his arms and he started whispering in my ear, Dear God, have mercy on her. Dear God have mercy on her." And about that time they brought my child in. He stayed in a straitjacket in this hospital for three days and then he was there for about ten days. I thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous because this child knew where to go. He had a place to go and he has this little 23 year old sponsor and they took him to his first meeting and he said when the meeting was over he walked up to pick up his white chips and people there because he was so young didn't understand and they said son do you have a loved one that's an alcoholic that you're here to find out he said no ma'am I'm qualified I had the privilege of giving to this young man his first three-month chip. And I hope and I pray to God today that on April the 8th of 1967 will be for my child the last bit of experimenting he will ever have to do with the bottle. And I thank God for AA. He walked up to me the other day and he said, Mother, will you help me take my inventory? and I thought, uh-oh, here's where I can get revenge on this cat. Oh, I'd been waiting for this. But you know, you people taught me pretty well. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life, my dear, is to look at that kid and say, Well, Billy, you know I better not help you take your inventory. You and I are liable to end up killing each other. I think you better go on back to your sponsor and let him help you you people taught me well and I thank God for you my other precious son who has never had a drink nor smoked he's exactly opposite from me was drafted last September have you all ever been through basic training my God that's the toughest thing I've ever been to I suffered every pain he suffered. I did 10,000 push-ups. I did the field crawl. My son Bobby had been raised in AA too. He had been raising to love his fellow man, and when he got in this army, he could not understand this sadistic brutality. And my son cracked up. and an old army red-nosed sergeant made the mistake of hitting my son upside the head with one of those sticks and then kicking him while he was lying on the ground passed out. Have y'all ever seen an old mother hen fighting for a biddy? Fort Bragg will never be the same. I got the word what this old sergeant had done to my son and I'm impetuous as heck I charged the Fort Bragg and I walked into that what is it CQ Charlie and there sat this little 90 day wonder this little lieutenant and I said lieutenant I'm going to give you about 11 minutes to go get that sergeant he said I'm sorry but you can't I said just a minute kid you don't know me but I fight dirty Now go get the sergeant. And here came this old sergeant and spoke, I'm telling you, all my principles of AA went out the door. I backed that old sergeANT up against that wall and I aimed that .32 right between his eyeballs. And this lieutenant says to me, Miss Sutton, you can't do that. I said it'll take an act for Congress to stop me. and I laid the word on that sergeant and then I went to CI and the CI man went with me and they took the stick and broke it into a thousand pieces and this lieutenant refused to let me see my son and I said again, it'll take an act of Congress oh boy, for you to keep me from seeing that boy and I walked out and there sat my poor little rejected, hurt lonely broken hearted little boy sitting on the steps and my heart was breaking my dear and I walked over and I sat down on those old dirty barracks steps beside of him and he was crying he could not understand and again I thank God for AA because I had to retell my son the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. I told him about taking it for five minutes. I said, Bobby, ask God to help you make it for the next five minutes Hang on to God because you don't have mother. You have no one but God. And that precious boy looked up at me. He says, thank you, mother. God is still on my side, isn't he? And I said, yes, dear, he is. He called me up two weeks ago to tell me goodbye. And he was crying over the phone and he says, mother, I believe I'm a coward. I said no, darling, you're not a coward I said those other 128 boys that are getting on that airplane with you going to Vietnam are just as afraid as you are. but you've got the courage. Because you have the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you've Got the Courage to Admit It. And he said, my God, Mama, pray for me. I'm terrified. And I said, well, doll, when do you get to go on R&R? That's rest and relaxation. He ain't even on the airplane till I'm trying to get him back on R & R. and he said well mommy it'll be I think about six months before I can go on R&R and I said well now I tell you what we're going to do darling where do you want to go he said well I don't I said would you like to go to Japan on R & R he said yes ma'am I says I'll meet you there so if I disappeared about six plus folks I'm over in Japan but again I thank God for AA because my son boarded that plane that night with God in one hand and A.A. in the other and he is now in Vietnam and my other son is back in college and he's an all-A student wouldn't you know that alcoholic I ought to kill him but this can all be summed up and then I'm going to let you go I know that seat can only the mind can only endure what you speak you know How does that go? Well, anyway, you know you get the message, don't you? But I'm going to let you go. But I must tell you this. Many years ago, there were four anonymous friends who had a sick friend. I know these were full alcoholics, and they were squeamish about their anonymity. Trying to establish something was my problem. but they had this sick friend and the master was in Capernaum preaching and they knew if they could get this sick friends of theirs over to the master he could be healed so they go over to this house and the house was full of people and they couldn't get they couldn' t get to the Master and this clinched it for me that I knew they must be alcoholics because they didn't let anything stop them. You know what they did? Preacher, they went up and took the roof off the house. They took the rooftop of the house and they put their sick friend in a blanket and they lowered him down to the feet of the master. And the master looked up and he said to these four AAs, by your faith by your faith he shall be healed and it was not the faith of four but of thousands just like you that you brought the message to me you taught me how to live and for this my days I shall be eternally grateful I have admitted and I have accepted the fact that I'm an alcoholic. But when that twilight time comes for me and I walk down that long corridor and at the end of that corridor stands the God of my understanding, I think he'll say something like this. Welcome home, my child. It's good to have you back. And if you'll hurry, that bunch from Tennessee over there is having an old hoedown and they're going to have a dance tonight and you'd rather dance than anything else in this world. Now get on over there and my dears I will have made it back to my father's house because of precious, precious people like you that had a desire to be sober and to help me stay sober now I just got to tell you this J.D. said if I didn't tell y'all this he's going to whoop me and I don't want to get beat up I want to dance tonight I want do the boogaloo I got kind of puny here about three weeks ago and I'd get up in the morning and I start in this direction and I end up in this reaction and I thought oh I ain't had any pills I ain'T had any booze and I'm like Dr. Jim I could get hooked on anything you know. And thank God I didn't know about pills when I got to AA, because I'm this type of a gal. If I'd eat Jell-O every day for five days at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, on the sixth day if I didn t eat Jello, I d probably have DT. I m this addicted. But I thought, Well, I m going Jesse. I know that and I m kind of tired, and I fought the war and the alcoholism and everything. But I better go see my doctor." So I went to my doctor, and he sat me down and started talking to me. And he said, by the way, my dear, I haven't asked you about this, but I want to know how's your love life? You know what I mean, don't you? And I said, well, it's nil, contrary to what a lot of people believe. He says, well my dear... No woman, but no woman can, you know, live without love. And I said, well, maybe I'm just existing because I flat haven't. He says, well my dear, I'll tell you what I do. Now you've been sober long enough. You've been sobre over 16 years. Now I'm going to give you permission to go out and get you a little bit. And I ran back and looked at that doctor And I said, Dr. Jones I want to tell you one thing That you don't know I never wanted a little bit of nothing Don't y'all be mad at me. J.D., maybe tell that. I don't want a little bit of sobriety. I don'T want a LITTLE BIT OF LOVE. I WANT IT ALL. I WANT ALL YOU CAN GIVE ME BECAUSE I NEED IT. To me, Alcoholics Anonymous speaks the language of a lonely, lost, broken-hearted people who are afraid to live and afraid to die. May God bless Alcoholics Anonymous. And until we meet again, dearly beloved, may the God of your understanding keep you in the palm of his hand so warm and so safe and so secure and oh my so loving because God knows I love you with all my heart. Thank you.