The Alcohol That Stopped Working and Amplified the Feelings – Kip C.

And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our speaker for the evening, Kip C. from Vista. My name is Kip Collins and I'm an alcoholic. Congratulations on the six months and the two years. That's great. So, you know, we came in here, we only had a path. You know, as a result of coming in here if we stick around we get a future, you know. I got sober here and my sobriety date May 12th, 1984. My home group is the Vista Men's Robbers Roost bunch of convicts that meet on Thursday night. In fact, the meeting just now broke up and it's not in any schedule. The only way you can get there is to be invited. There's a group of men trying to learn how to live by spiritual principles one day at a time and not drink any alcohol or put anything in our body that affects us from the neck up and to walk through life and accept life on life's terms no matter what happens. I was raised in Vista, up the road a bit. It was a little town when I was a kid. My father's Irish and Sioux. My mother is Irish and Cherokee. When my daddy drank, my mama liked to fight. And that's the way it was. I lived in an all-alcoholic neighborhood. There wasn't anything different. We were the only Anglos in this whole neighborhood. It It was all first-generation Hispanic. Nobody spoke English. I thought my name was Pinche Guero most of my life, you know? And, you now, the old man would be coming up the road. It'd be late, you known. They knew what was going to happen, you kno. Pretty soon you'd see people turn off their lights and get in their lawn chairs and coming outside, you kno, and getting comfortable because the show was about to start. And that's the way it was. That was normal, you no. and it wasn't much different from my house than it was anyone else's on that street. This shit was coming down and I was never going to be an alcoholic. I swore to God I'm never goingto be an alcoholic. I'mnever going tobe like my dad and I do not blame my alcoholism on my father. You know, if anything in the world my father taught me what alcohol will do to a man or taught me what it'll do toa family what itll do to children what it will do to a career. He was a prime example. I blame myalcoholism on the San Diego Unified School District. When I was 12 years old, they had this idea that there was time to start educating the young people about the dangers of drugs. And they took us in this auditorium and they showed us these movies and they had these people come up here and start talking to us, explaining what this stuff did. Man, when they were done, my mouth was watering and I asked my buddy Balto, I said, Balto can you get some of this shit? He says, yeah. and we met the next day after school. We went down this little canyon. Before we left, he says, we've got to get a bottle of wine. I said, what for? He says, I don't know. My dad drinks cheap wine with this shit. I said okay. So we went down to this little store. We each ripped off a short dog of sweet red port and went down these canyons, smoked this dope, drank this wine and click, it happened. Most magic moment of my life. You know, there was this speaker when I first got sober one of the first speakers I ever heard and I identified with that man named Serenity Sam from Venice, California. And he talked about when he was a kid he says, you know, he says I fell out of my mother's womb I hit a cold concrete floor and was crawling across hostile territory towards my grave and then I discovered alcohol and I knew exactly what he was talking about because up to that point I'd been scared to death of this world. I knew how to play the game and act tough and put on that facade, put onthat armor. But I was scared to death. I didn't fit in anywhere. All my cousins are real dark skinned. They have dark hair, dark eyes. All the neighborhoods I lived in was all Hispanic, man. I didn' t fit in my neighborhood. I didn''t fit inmy family. And I learned how to live there and I didn ''t fit with the Anglo kids. I didn'T fit inanywhere. Me and my brother. But when I put that alcohol on my body, I fit in. my skin fit for the first time in my life and everything was okay. You know, I knew all about these first three steps a long time before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew that my life was unmanageable and I was scared to death of this world. I smoked this dope and drank this wine and I came up with this idea and I began to believe that there was a power to restore me to sanity and I immediately, with no reservation turned my will and life over and I never looked back. when I was about 14 years old I got kicked out of school for hitting a teacher and right after that my mom found my dope and she kicked me out of the house I was 14 years old and I'd never been anywhere it was 1964 and a friend of mine over in Carlsbad we were reading in the paper and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do and he said check this out he says he's showing me something in the paper he says look these people are going up to this place and all they do is get high and listen to music and make love. I like music, you know. I went up to this place called Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco and I got a different kind of an education up there, you now. When other young men were going to school and getting an education or learning a trade or going into the service, I spent the next four years up there in Mexico, and I learned from a very early age that if I had the bag, I could have anything or anybody I wanted. And it ain't nothing I'm proud of. And I'd like to make a clarification right off the bat that I understand and respect the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous with all my heart. I respect the singleness of purpose of Alcoholic Anonymous, but part of my story has drugs in it, and if it bothers anybody, I'll give you an opportunity to grow tonight. I was never going to be a drunk, man. We smoked dope. We ate that LSD. You know, I found out, you know, that I spoke a little bit of Spanish, you know, and I knew some people and I touched a couple things together and I started smuggling dope when I was about 15 and a half. And I got busted in Mexico when I was 16 with 200 kilos, and I went to La Mesa Federal Prison at 16 years old. And I'm going to tell you this from my heart to yours. I don't have to tell you what happened. Not a nice thing happens to young little white boys in big prisons like that. They ain't real friendly, but they're sure glad to see you. You know, if anything in this world actually had told me that my manner of living was going to be very uncomfortable. If anything in the world, that should have changed my mind about the way I wanted to live. You see, I had an angle. I had some money and I was hooked up with some people and they got me out of there after about six months. And I continued to go do what I do. On my 18th birthday, I woke up with a gun in my mouth from a DEA agent. I was charged with 27 felonies. I spent the next year up here at San Diego, up in 5E, maximum security, facing 25 years. And after 11 months and 28 days, they came in and the two guys that I was arrested with, they pled guilty and they dropped charges against me and another guy and this guy's girlfriend and they just rolled us up, you know. And If anything in the world, that should have taught me, you know. You know, what I'm doing, man, this ain't working, you now. But I got out of there and I continued to do what I do and I picked up another beef. There's sales of heroin. And I went to jail again. Two years. I got off of there and I started running around with this young gal. While I was in prison at that time, And I'd been hooked up with this young gal, and she was pregnant when I went in. She came from a real good family. And that family moved her out of the way. They didn't want her anywhere near me. And when I got out, I started looking for her. Could somebody please bring me a glass of water? I'm really dry here. Oh, there it is. She hit it. Nice. You know, when I Got Out, I looked everywhere. I tried to track this woman down. I wanted to find my kid. All I ever wanted to be was a father, man. I dreamed about that kid, you know, and when I was a kid, I used to think all I ever want to have is a family, you know? I want kids, and I want a lady to stand behind me, and I wants all this stuff, and I wanted the house and respect in my community. I didn't want the neighbors looking at me the way my neighbors looked at my dad, you know. And I wanted all that stuff. I didn'T know how to get it, you Know? I couldn'T find her, and there was this hole in my gut for a long, long, long time. This little girl, she's 15 years old. I hooked up with her, and she had some money. Her family was a doctor. Her father was a doctor, and she bailed me out of jail three times in a two-week period. And I don't know too much about love, but I know a lot about jail. You know, and I just made a commitment that I was never going to let that little girl out of my sight. And we decided to get married. And we got married, and then she told me that she was pregnant. And about nine months later, we were up in Oregon, and I was on parole. We went to the hospital, and she gave me this little boy. She put this little baby in my arms, David. And I'll never forget that moment as long as I live. It was the most glorious moment of my life. They put that little boy in my arms. And I looked at him and he looked at me and something magic happened inside my heart. I'd never known anything about love. I knew about lust, I knew About all that other stuff but absolutely totally unconditional love I'd Never experienced it before. And I look at that baby and Something happened inside of me and I fell head over heels In love with this kid And I started making plans and I started Making this kid promises that he was never Going to live the kind of life I lived And I was going to give him all the stuff And we were going to do all those things That fathers do with their sons And I made all these plans And had all these dreams You know, two years later We were back down here And my wife put a little girl In my arms, Jana Marie And the exact same thing happened They put that baby in my arms and I fell head over heels in love. Absolutely, totally head over hills in love, you know? I started making plans immediately, you Know, for her. Some day someone's going to want to marry her, so I'm planning it. She's still wet, you Now. But I'm the kind of an alcoholic I can be sitting in a meeting with a pretty gal walk by, you Know, and before the meeting's over we've had a ten-year relationship, a couple of kids. Then divorced and I walk out of the room hating her, you Know. Things happen quick in here, you Now. And I made promises to this little girl. You know, for the next five years from that day, I was probably the most devoted and the best father any man's ever been. I had the money. I had their resources. I had a real nice place. I had it fixed up for kids. It was just a big giant playground. and every toy and everything that you could possibly have for kids. And I worked, you know, I would do a scan two or three times a year and we'd take nine tons of dope to Massachusetts or someplace else and move it and I'd live off that for the next year or whatever. But I wanted to stay with my family and that's what I did. Everything was about me staying with my kids. And for the next five years that's what I did On September 6th, 1976 I was playing with my son We were playing in the garage It was real, real hot that day And I was smoking this dope I got real stoned And I got thirsty You know, and I didn't tell anybody I was leaving My son was born deaf I didn' t mention that to you And you had to watch him all the time. You couldn't let him out of your sight. And I just got on my bike, you know. I didn't even think about telling anybody I was leaving. I just Got on my Bike and took up, Went up to the store to go get a six-pack. And on the way back, When I was coming back, The cops were at my house And the paramedics And all the neighbors And I walked down there And my son had chased me out of the driveway And he'd been run over by a truck. and I waited through that crowd and I got to my son and his head was split open and I could see his brains and most of the bones were protruding out of his body and he was broken up into a hundred pieces. Something inside of me died that day. My son didn't die. My son lived. My son stayed in a coma for the next nine months and over the next 18 years we went through 27 major brain surgeries and he was in the hospital out of that 18 years, 15 of them my son had massive brain damage and he couldn't talk and he couldn'T write and he COULDN'T comprehend a lot of things and he never emotionally grew past the age of about 4 years old When my son was in the hospital with this coma My brother, who had been everything I've told you about tonight My brother was my right hand Bill We were 11 months apart And we backed each other's play Right or wrong No matter what went on He was right beside me He was the best friend I've ever had There's nobody in the world I trusted more than him And my brother came down with an organic mental condition called schizophrenia. And my family had him committed to a hospital, and they got him stabilized on his medicine. And he called me from this hospital, and he said, Kip, get me out of this hospital now. You know, and it wouldn't have made much difference if he'd been in a federal pen. I would have got him out if you would have asked me. I had the money, the resources. I got a lawyer. I became his conservator. You know? I got charge of his life. And I brought him home with me, and I bought him a mobile home and set it up on a piece of property. And I said, don't worry about those people, man. It's always been me and you, and it always will be. And me and my brother started doing what we always did. My brother started deteriorating right away since he left the hospital. I had to go back east, man, I had TO go to Oklahoma on this scam. And my brother was begging me not to go. He says, Kip, don'T go, something'S wrong, you know, I'm coming apart. And I'm going, man, I've got to go. I've Got to Go. I said, look, man. Here's some money. I handed him a handful of money. You know, I always figured money would fix anything. And I said I'll be back in three days and me and you will square this up. Don't worry about it, man Just hang tight. And I got back on the scam and it went sideways and I ended up I was gone for almost two and a half weeks and when I got black I wanted to go find my brother and no one had seen him I went back over to his trailer and I opened that door and his head rolled out because he had taken a gun on the third day and he'd blown his head completely off. And what was laying there in the doorway was just a big pile of maggots in my brother's head. And another big giant piece in me died. You know, and I don't tell you this because I want your pity or sympathy. I sure as hell don't need it. You know? The only point in me telling you this is that in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it talks about a certain type of people who got here with grave emotional and mental disorders. And I'm one of those people. Something inside of me broke that day that was never to be repaired until I totally surrendered to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. From that point on, there wasn't enough. You know, alcohol and dope and everything had been a lot of fun. It had never been a real problem except when I got caught selling it, you know. I kept my shit together. What I did was pretty big time. And, you know, you just don't screw up doing what I was doing. People will kill you. And, I had a lot of respect for that stuff. But from that point on, the alcohol took over my life. The narcotics took over My life. And I tell you this, from my heart to yours, that I thank God that alcohol and drugs did for Me what it did for me. It wouldn't have worked. I wouldn't be here. I would have joined my brother. But alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself. It blocked all that pain, it blocked those pictures, it blocked all the feeling of guilt, of remorse, of all that stuff, it blocks all those feelings and it worked real, real, really good. You know they talk a lot about bottoms in AA and I guess you all know about bottoms. It's been my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous that that's kind of a myth. I've known some people that hit bottom my ex-mother-in-law she hit bottom she spent the last 10 years of her life in a hospital for women with wet brain Karakoff syndrome and she didn't know who she was for the last ten years of her live and she never drank nothing but beer you know but alcohol completely destroyed her and she hit bottom because she never got any worse after a certain point it never got no worse I had a young man that I I was sponsoring here last year. He had 90 days sober and had a nice family and had the whole future and everything. He got in an argument with his wife and he went down and he got a quart of vodka and locked himself in his van and he drank it straight down and he died. And he hit bottom. So he ain't never going to get no worse. You know, that was it. But it's been my experience for as long as I can think and feel and have anything in here going on at all, man. Every time I think there's a bottom, I mean, I'll guarantee you there's a basement, you know. The stuff and the people, that goes pretty quick, you Know. And that ain't nothing, you Now. That ain't Nothing. Losing a family, you think it's a big deal when it's happening, You Know, but it ain't no big deal. You lose all your stuff, it just kind of makes your life a little bit simpler, You Now. But what alcohol did to me, and I don't know about you, but I can only tell you about me, it started taking a little piece of me. my wife told me that she left you know I was so nuts and so crazy she left and she left me with my little girl and you know the next thing I know this guy brought over this stuff I never drank it before maybe you guys have heard of it it's called Mad Dog 2020 they have that in San Diego wow I drank some of this stuff and in fact I drank a whole bunch of it. And I come to, and my little girl snuggled up against me. She's seven years old, and there's this lady. I'm on a wide-bodied jet, and the plane's empty. And this hostess lady, she's going, sir, you have to get off the plane. And I looked around, and I said, where am I? And she said, you're in Fort Lauderdale. And I told her that I didn't like Fort Lauderdale. I have no idea why I'm here. To this day, I have No Idea Why I was there. But I woke up in Fort Laudedale with my little girl and I did what any good drunk would do, you know? I got off the airplane. I scratched my head. I asked my daughter real subtly if she knew what was going on. You know, I didn' t want to play stupid. I just tried to feed me some information And so I got a, caught a cab. I had a pocket full of money. I had no idea where all that came from. I found out later that I sold probably $150,000 with the personal items for about 2,000 bucks. You know, the biggest, quickest garage sale Vista's ever known. And I still, I don't know why, but a lot of things I don' t know why I did. Anybody relate to that? just kind of woke up and must have seemed like a good idea at the time you know and I said look take me to a hotel but stop at a liquor store and I need to get a drink so I can figure out what's happened here and the next thing I know I woke up in this deal and they had taken my clothes away and I'm strapped down on a gurney with this sheet over me and I am in this place called The Bart in Fort Lauderdale it's like this it's a county detox except they have bars. And I didn't know where my daughter was, had no idea where my daugther was, had no ideia what happened. I found out later that I'd met this couple and I started drinking and I got nuts and went crazy and they locked me up and these people took my daughter, you know, thank God. The next two years, we lived in five different states and probably 30 different counties and every place we lived I told my daughter I made her a solemn promise that it's going to be different I'm going to get a home I'm gonna get a job you're gonna go to school we're gonna have our own house we're going to go to church on Sunday and we're gonna be a family I made of these promises and I wanted to do it so bad do you see I've never worked I don't really I had never at that point had an ID and my name. I've never had a Social Security card, and I'm a player, you know? And I can find some action. I don't care where you put me. I can look around, and I can see someone that's got something going on pretty quick, you know? And I'll get in the game, and I'll give something going, and that's what would happen. I'd get some money in my pocket, and the next thing I knew, I'd be drinking. The next thing, someone would be hurt, and I'd be running, you know? And that's the way it was going on. The last place was in Oklahoma City. I come to from this bar and I got blood all over me and it wasn't mine. And my little girl, she looked up at me and she was nine years old by this time and we were in this little shack. And she knew, she knew. She just jumped up, she grabbed her doll and started running out the back door with me right behind her. And we got to that Greyhound bus station and we got on the bus and I passed out as soon as we got off the bus. I come too, we're in Gallup, New Mexico and my little growl was rocking and crying And I said, what's the matter, baby? And she said, Daddy, I'm so hungry. You ain't fed me. I said as soon as we stop, I'm going to get you something to eat, honey. We're going back to California. Everything's going to be okay. And that bus stopped and I got off that bus to go get my little girl something to eating. I walked in this little liquor store and I was sicker than a dog, man. I walked into there and the first thing I did I grabbed me a quart of port wine and I went over to this little place and I grabbed her a little sandwich and I wound up to go pay for it. And I found out I only had enough money for one or the other. And I had to put her sandwich back, you know. I've done a lot of things in this world. I've got a lot things that I don't share from the podium. But I've never done anything in my life that haunted me more than that moment when I had get back and look at my little girl and tell her that I just spent her food money when she was starving on wine. You see, alcohol owned me. And I got back to California and I went over to try to test my mom up, you know. And she took one look at me. My mom could, she'd kick everybody out of Al-Anon. And she has no mercy with anyone, you Know. She said, get the hell out of here, You know. She grabbed my daughter and she told me to hit the bricks, You Know. I grabbed my Daughter and said, where will we go? She grabbed my daughter and said, we ain't going nowhere. You are. And I left. And I love my mom. I've got the greatest mom in the world, man. She takes no prisoners. Unless you're a little kid, you know. And she released me with love. And the next three years, I don't really know what happened. I was a wino. I lived in the bushes. I lived on the side of the road. My panhandle for wine in front of the 7-Eleven in Carlsbad, and I went to jail on a regular basis. I went for detox on a irregular basis. I came down here on a regularly basis. And my sponsor, Charlie, talked to me that I was a tongue-chewing, babbling idiot. But you know, alcohol worked, and it worked real good. It took all the feelings, all the stuff away, and I didn't care. I was walking by in front of this 7-11 one morning, And I saw this guy. I recognized him. He was a guy I grew up with, and there he was. He was in a three-piece suit, and he had this square little wife and these square little kids and this square four-door sedan. He got out of the car, and I just looked at him and wondered how he could live that way. You know, alcoholics were the only people in the world to be laying face down in the gutter looking down on everybody else. He looked at me, and he smiled, he gave me two dollars. I don't know, that's the first thing in the morning. I don't if there's any real winos here today, but man, when you get two dollars first thing the morning, pooh! It's on, baby. No more shuffling around in that parking lot, man. I'm getting me a quart and get well right now, you know? And it was like I'd died and gone to heaven, man! I'm gonna be well till probably two o'clock in the afternoon, man, I ain't gotta hustle, I got to do nothing. Get my of wine get down to my little hole in the bamboo and sit in the mirror, and I was looking. I could see this family and that guy, and they're all looking at me. I'm thinking they're judging me, you know, andI'm cussing them. I get over to my little bamboo patch and I'm still cussin' them. But you know what? That guy ended up to be a real good friend of mine. And I don't believe religion has anything to do with Alcoholics Anonymous, and i don't bring it in, but I'll tell you that was a good Christian family. they weren't judging me right after I shuffled off. The whole family got out of their car and got on their knees and they prayed for that poor drunk. About the time they were praying for that poor drunk, I'm opening up this bottle getting ready to take a head off of it, man, because that's the only thing I wanted in this whole world and I had the damnedest thought I've ever had in my life. Maybe I ought to go to A&A. Now that's a weird thing to be thinking about when you're sick. First thing in the morning and a quart in your hand. It's probably just a coincidence, you know. I don't know how, but I ended up at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that night and I walked in this room. See, I'd been to A&A before down here. You know, they have a three-day and all that. They bring in these A&E people. I was in jail. H&I people brought in those places and different institutions I've been in. Those people brought In those meetings, you Know. You know they were all squares. I didn't want nothing to do with these people. They didn't live in the world that I lived in. and they didn't understand what was going on, man. They didn't even know what time of day it was, you know. But I decided, they told me that if I ever had a problem with alcohol, I ought to give them a shot, you name it, and they welcomed me with open arms. So I got up to this meeting, and I walked in, and nobody welcomed me. Nobody welcomed me without open arms, you now. I weighed about 125 pounds. My hair was down past my waist, and my beard was past my belt. a lot of things lived on me and I've been living in these clothes for almost three years. And a lot of things lived on me besides me. And I walked in that room and I sat down and these were all real nice people from the coast man there was Mercedes and Porsches and they were clean cut looking fine man. You know and I'm looking at this room they're looking at me and I am looking around and I am going I wonder if they have a room for the more severe cases, you know. But I'm uncomfortable, man. I don't fit in here. I'm going, geez, these people aren't drunks. You know, and they're talking about God. And then they're passing that basket. I know they're going to start singing any minute. I just know any minute they're going to start singing. I'm getting ready to get my hat now. You know, I don't fit in here. These people don't know what's going on. I knew it was a mistake with the first thought I had of it, you know. I'm being honest I'm just getting ready to get out of my seat but from the moment I got to that meeting there was this one old gal and she kept looking at me and smiling trying to catch my eye and she'd smile at me you know and as sick as I was I knew I didn't have anything this woman wanted you know, but I got ready to leave and she jumped to her feet just like that. And she looked right at me and she introduced herself as an alcoholic woman and she said, You know, I walked in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous in Long Beach, California 27 years ago. She goes, I walked into the back door and I looked around and I look at all you ladies and you're all so well dressed and so clean cut and I knew all about men. She goes then I turned around to leave because I knew once you saw who I was, you'd know what I was and you'd turn your back on me the way you always have. She goes, I've been a prostitute on the streets of Los Angeles since I was 14 years old and I've done everything a woman ever had to do to survive out there. She goes when I started to leave and someone grabbed me and they brought me in and they got me a cup of coffee and they told me to stick around that they needed her. She proceeded to talk about the next 27 years of her recovery and the remarkable things that had happened and about her family and about our career. and she finally walked right over in front of all those people that didn't want nothing to do with me and she put her arms around me and she hugged me real tight and she kissed me right on the mouth bravest woman I've ever known in my life and she whispered in my ear and this is what she said she said please please keep coming back here we need you desperately I have never cried in my live no matter what's ever happened to me But I started crying. Something happened inside here where I live. And I started crying because this woman had reached out with love to an animal, to a tongue-chewing, babbling idiot when no one else, even the people in Alcoholics Anonymous didn't want anything to do with him. And I started coming to this A&A, you know. I wanted what that woman had more than anything in this world. I started calling them, but right off the bat, you all lied to me right from the beginning. You told me if I stopped drinking alcohol, my life would get better. Now, I don't know what alcohol does for you, but alcohol is not my problem. Narcotics are not my problems. They've caused some problems in my life, but they are not My problem. They are My solution for living in this world. You know what happens when you take alcohol away from an alcoholic? You know it's left? ick. That's it. That was all that was left. I stopped drinking and it was, ugh. Now I know why I drank, you know. Life sucks sober, you Know. All those visions, all that pain, all that guilt, all that shit just starts washing over me. You know, you also told me to get a sponsor and I've been on parole for half my life. I'm not going to volunteer for it, you know, especially to one of these lops, you know? and I saw this thing about restoring me to sanity. I tried to kill a guy when I was about 11 years old and I'd been under psychiatric help ever since and so I'm thinking, you know, if I've never been sane, what are they ever going to restore me to? You know? So I drove by that one and then I got to this God stuff, turned my will in life over to God. Hey baby, God never did nothing for me. He never did something for me, man. He likes those people in the suburbs. He don't like people like me. I just piss him off, you know. I cried out to that God when I was a young man in prison. God wasn't there. Believe me, you now. I tried to cry out to God a number of things. When the guys cut my partner's throat and were coming after me, I cried to God. Didn't do my buddy a good bit of good. I cried after that God when my brother killed himself. I cried up to this guy when my son was laying there with his brains all over the street. God was never there. He never did nothing for me. I had nothing coming and he had nothing coming from me. And I just drove by that shit, you know. I got to that next thing that says that I've got to write down everything I ever did and admit it to another human being. You bet. Man, I learned when I was a kid you don't cop to nothing even if they've got pictures, you now. Deny it, you kno. Demand a jury trial. Make them prove every bit of it, you know? I ain't going to give you any information about me, especially something negative, man. You'll use it against me. I ain't going to show weakness to another man or a woman. I ainít telling a woman nothing, you know? Excuse me, ladies. I've changed and grown a great deal in the last 14 years. You know, and I saw this sales tip, you now. I got to make a list. Everybody I took down and I got pay them back. Yeah, thatís what I said. Iíll tell you a little story. I'll move ahead just a little bit. I've never told this from the podium, but I feel real comfortable telling you. My sponsor was a guy named Charlie Tuck and I was about six months sober. And Charlie Tuff took me on my first 12-step call. At six months over, I was still packing a gun. And I had it in my boot and he took me out and he put me on his 12-stepped call and I walked in this house and there was this guy sitting there and I went, oh shit. I robbed this guy. You know? I took him down for 10 grand and a kilo of cocaine, you know, about two and a half years before. And I'm going, I'm sitting there. He's looking at me. He's going, God, you look familiar. You know? I got my hand next to my boot right next to the gun. I said, if he even moves funny, I am going to shoot him. You know. And then I am gone. Good, if I shoot him, I might have to shoot Charlie. I don't have to leave any witness. You know, it was a hell of a predicament to be in. It took months over, you know. But anyway, getting back. Pay someone back? You bet. I ain't going to give it up, man. If you're stupid enough, if you were lame enough to let me get a hold of your shit, that's on you, man, you knows. And this other stuff, you kno. I just didn't want to think... I just wanted to come to these meetings, speaker meetings. I wanted to learn the lingo. I wanted it to squeeze you girls. I wanted to glad hand you guys, you know, and that's what I did. I'd come here and I learned all the easy does one day at a time, You know, blah, blah. Hey, baby, you know, let's go have some coffee and all that, and all this shit. You know? And I did that for six years. And for six year, I collected the largest number of tokens. I could open up my own central office. You know what I mean? I couldn't stay sober. You know. And if anyone here is thinking they're here and they're going to stay sober on other people's sobriety, you cut a painful road to walk, baby. Let me tell you. There's only one softer, easier way to get sober is through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you're not actively taking these steps and applying these steps in your life, you are not in recovery. I don't care what you think. You know, you can have the greatest sponsor in the world. You can have all the commitments and everything in the World going on here. But if you are NOT living by the principles of the 12th step, you ARE NOT IN RECOVERY. And your disease is progressing. Dr. Selfworth told us a long time ago right at the beginning of that book that we must experience a complete psychic change. And if we do not experience that psychic change, we're doomed to do this over and over. He says, but, if we follow a few simple rules, we don't have to do that. Those few simple rule, actually there's 12 of them, you know? There's 12 in those rules and they're not rules, they're highly suggestions, you now? It's like, they're real good suggestions. I went on and on, man, And I okey-doked this program for a long time. And I came in, and part of my life got better. You know, if you just hang around sober people, nothing else, part of your life will get better. It didn't get better in here. It didn' t get better here. But the outside got a little bit better. I come to 1983 Christmas morning. I've come too many times this way. In that rubber room, butt naked. Completely shackled down, you know, covered in blood. My face was stuck to that mat with my own blood. And it's Christmas morning at about 5.30 and you open your eyes and you look up in those little portholes and the sheriffs are looking down at you laughing, you Know? And you just know Santa Claus ain't coming, you Now? You just know it ain't comin'. He ain't got nothin' comin', man, you now. I found out I got belligerent with a cop and he beat the hell out of me I'm sure I deserved it and they let me go it was Christmas and you know I just wandered off you know I'd been around here I said I ain't coming back to this A&A this place sucks it ain't for people like me I'm that person in chapter 5 I can't get sober you know every time I stop drinking all those feelings come up again all that stuff you know and I go absolutely stark raving sober you know That's a horrible place to be. And so I went home and I started drinking. I had a little tiny apartment by now, you know, and I had an egg of a little bit of cash and I went down and got all the liquor I could carry. And I went back up to this place and I sat there and I said, And I started drinkin'. And I drank and I drank. On January 6th, 1984, the worst day of my life, the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life happened. The alcohol stopped workin'. That was the absolute most traumatic thing that I've ever experienced in my life, when all of a sudden I realized I couldn't get drunk and it didn't take away the feelings. It amplified everything that was going on. And I couldn t get sober and I couldn d drink and it wouldn t knock me out. And I just drank and drank and drink and drank, and it would n t work. the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and a vision for you that talks about that. It says there'll come a time where you will not be able to imagine life with alcohol or without it. You'll know loneliness such as few people can even imagine. You'll come to the jumping off spot and you wish for the end. I picked up my gun and I put it to my heart and I pulled the trigger and I blew my left lung and two ribs out and it knocked me all the way across the room and the only thought I had was thank God thank God this nightmare is over with thank God I'm not going to humiliate myself in front of anybody anymore just let me out of here you know And then I come to in this damn hospital. You guys thought I died, I bet, don't you? I come through in this hospital. I got tubes coming out of every hole in my body and a few new ones, you know. I get back a little bit. There was this guy. I talked about him before already. His name was Charlie Tuck. And Charlie Tuk, I hated that son of a bitch, you now. Because he got dead in my face one time when I was at an AAB. And he came up and he got right down in my case. And he says, you think you're pretty tough, don't you, kid? I looked at him right and I gave him my best jailhouse look. And I said, yeah, I'm tough enough, old man. Don't you ever doubt that. He looked at me and he smiled. He said, you ain't tough. He said you're the scaredest son of a bitch in this room. He said that might make you dangerous, but it don't make you tough. And he walked away laughing at me, you know. Boy, I hated that son of an bitch, you knows. Every time I'd go to a meeting, I'd get in there and I'd look. Ah, shit, that guy's here. I'm not going in there, you know. So, you now, I'll tell you, the last person in the world I wanted to see was Charlie Tuck. And I'm coming out of this coma, you know, and all I could hear is Charlie had a real unique, deep, gravelly voice. I could here that. I thought I'd died and gone to hell, you know. Oh, God, and he's waiting for me, you know. And I open my eyes and there's Charlie standing at the foot of my bed with that big, ugly blue book and these two newcomers looking at me with their eyes real big. And I went, oh man, he's going to start preaching that A&A shit. You know? Oh no, oh no. Man, I closed my eyes. Man, I'm not going to give it up. You know, he didn't say a word to me. He says to these youngsters with him, he says, you see this fella here? And they go, yeah. And I go, this is what happens to an alcoholic who doesn't take the steps. Come on, let's go. Well, I didn't think it was funny. I was humiliated, you know? I didn' t want his help, but I did want him to offer, you kno? Wanted him to feel sorry for me maybe or something. Say something nice, you kno? Say nothing to me. Incidentally, those two gentlemen are still sober. I was doing active 12-step work long before I got sober. And I got out of that hospital. I hooked up with a good friend of mine who just made the papers. He just shot a cop up in Oceanside. And he had half the money of the planet. You know, he says, come on, Kip, you've had a rough time. and he took me up to this big mansion he had, and he had the best-looking women living there, and he has the best dope. He had this big fancy bar, and he's trying to teach me how to make something called a martini. I don't know. I just wanted something in a screw cap myself, you know. Sure took a long time to make this, you now. Just drink the shit, you kno. You kno, alcohol didn't work, and it didn't work. I kept wanting it to work. The dope didn't work. The women didn't work. Nothing worked. I was empty and hollow in a vast desert of emptiness inside my very soul. It was hollow and empty and lonely and if loneliness would have been a tangible thing it would have absolutely eaten me alive. May 12th I come to the same way I always come to when my eyes open I need to get something in my body now before the screaming starts you know I have to get something in there before the screaming starts and I come to it's another one of those weird things I come too and the first thing that entered my mind was what they read at the end of all these meetings you know the ABCs chapter 5 basically the first three steps says I'm powerless over alcohol you know and my life's unmanageable you know and I knew that I was powerless I knew I was an alcoholic I had no problem with denial about me being an alcoholic I knew the state of California told me I was an alcoholic. There was no illusion about it. But in the 12 by 12, it states this. It says it doesn't matter what you admit to me or to anyone else. The first step has to do with your innermost self and deep down in there where you live, you have to understand exactly what that means. And you know, and I was thinking about it and all of a sudden I had that vision, you know. I had that vision of that morning on that bus, getting back on that bus and my daughter was starving and me standing there with that bottle of wine. And I understood for the very first time. It clicked inside here what it meant to me. I don't know what it means to you but what it mean to me is that when I'm an alcoholic and when I put alcohol in my body from that point on it doesn't matter about who I love, about what I love about my dreams, my plans sure as hell don't matter about yours. When I put alcohol in my body, it owns me body and soul and I have to do whatever it tells me to do. It tells me who I can be with. It tells where I can live. It tells everything. It's just like being in prison. They tell me everything the alcohol did. And if there's not enough money to feed my only child, so be it. I have the alcohol first. And I finally understood what the way alcohol affected me. Things that said that no human power was ever going to fix me. I kept hoping one of you gals in AA were going to fixed me. You know, a few of you tried. I've always been grateful for it, but it didn't work out for either one of us. I'd been to churches. I'd be to AA. I'd have been to NA. I'd had been to all these things from coast to coast. A thousand people had reached out and tried to help me. And I had tried to helped myself for six years. I've been going to these meetings trying to get sober. I wanted to be sober more than anything in this world. But I kept thinking one of you people were going to do it for me. You were goingto say something. You were gonna get the right sponsor. I was gonna get this. Some speaker's gonna say, something's gonna happen, you know? Nothing happened. Says, got to that last part, that part I hated and scared me from the gate, man. And that was that God stuff. I said but God could and would if he were sought I started thinking about the people who had what I wanted And it had nothing to do with their money, their stuff or their women Had to do it the way they walked through this world With a little bit of dignity No matter what happened to them They walked through life and accepted life on life's terms And they didn't drink alcohol And they just walked straight ahead with dignity And every single one of them had the same thing in common All of them talked about this power this power that did for them what they could not do for themselves. I got down on my knees that morning it was the most sincere moment of my life and I got done to my knees and this is what I said I said I don't know who you are and I don' t know what you are I don''t really think it makes any difference but from this point on I will do whatever you put in front of me if I don´t have to drink any alcohol and if you´re not there I´m fucked and I meant that from the bottom of my soul if there wasn't something there that was going to help me right now I'm a dead man all I know the longer I've been sober what a state of grace was given me that morning and every single person I know I heard this young lady tonight talk about it when I cried out to the God of my understanding or misunderstanding or whatever with no deals, no conditions I'm out of angles I'll do whatever you put in front of me from this point on if I don't have to drink. I've heard that sentence a thousand times in Alcoholics and Anonymous meetings all around the world. I went and got Charlie, and I asked Charlie to teach me how to stay sober one day at a time. And that old man, he got me active. He walked me through the 12 steps in nine months. He was in action, man. and there was no waiting around on this stuff. He got me actively involved in service. He had me in the hospital institutional committee at 30 Days Sober, and I had to have a commitment at a step study, a men's meeting, and a big book study. And I had five commitments every single week at other meetings. And I was at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single night and actively involved with every single one of them. I had you get to every one of him a little bit early to shake hands with every person that walked in because I didn't like people. They made me stay late after every one of them to say goodbye to everybody and help them clean it up to show gratitude. She says, don't you ever let me hear you talk about gratitude in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous if you're not actively involved. Otherwise, it's just talk. Gratitude is action. And great things came to pass. I met the woman of my dreams. A beautiful woman. And I got married. At three years sober, at three years sober, the state of California had given me a driver's license back and I packed the state contractor's board and I became a contractor. I signed a contract in a big giant skyscraper down here in San Diego. I went down and I bought me a brand new truck that day, paid cash, and I came home and the telephone rang And this little girl said, is your name Kip? And I said, yeah. She says, well, do you know Sandy? And so and so. And I say, yeah, a long time ago. She goes, that's my mother and you're my father. And I've been looking for you for 23 years. And that little girl came into my life. And she brought me three beautiful little grandchildren. You know, at 10 years sober, I had everything. I was teaching baptism in my church. I was a hospital institutional director for North County and I had been for eight years. I owned my own business. I had 20 people working for me full time. I was making around between $200,000 and $300,000 a year. I had the house on the hill. I had to boat. I just spent two and a half months in Australia traveling around, a dream I'd always had. And I got back from Australia, and I was sitting here, and I'm just going, man, how do you get from being a wino, from standing in that wine, to right here? How did I get in 10 years from there to here? I was just amazed. Every area of my life was so full. I was with the woman I dreamed. All my children were with me. My son was with me, you know. I had adopted two other children by this time. And everything, I was just... I never dreamed I could have a life that good. And I'm reading in the paper, you now, and I'm readin' about this man who got out of prison and broke into this woman's house and raped her and cut her to pieces right in front of her children. And I got down to it, and it was my daughter. There was a little girl that had looked for me all those years. And I went to the hospital to go see her, and this man had taken a knife, and he had cut in her face, her breast, and she had lost her left arm, and she did not look human. And I'll tell you this, that I'm absolutely capable of first-degree murder if you heard anything I care about. You know, one of the things my sponsor told me when I came in Athens when you're teaching me how to stay sober. He laid out the guidelines. He says, Kip, I've been watching you for a long time and people like you don't get sober. Not even in Alcoholics Anonymous, very few of them. So something inside of you is broken. I don't know what it is. He said, this is the way it's going to have to be for you for the rest of your life. He says no woman, no job, no child, no nothing in this world can ever be more important than you doing the things that you have to do to maintain your sobriety. And the day that you put anyone or anything in front of you doing the things you have to do to stay sober, that's the day you're getting ready to take a drink and you'll never get to get sober again. And whatever it was you thought was important enough to not do your AA stuff, you're going to lose. And that'sthe only thing that was ringing in my head, you know, was that nothing could be more important, not even my daughter. And you know that's an easy thing to say, man. Let me tell you, when the rubber meets the road, it's a hard thing to practice. and the hardest thing I've ever done in my life was get down on my knees on a daily basis and pray for that man who did those atrocious things to my daughter to have everything out of life I want. And if you think that's easy, try it. You see, I looked for an angle in that book. I got that book out and I read it. I'm looking for a hook in here somewhere, you know, and all it says is it says that anger and resentment will cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and the insanity will return and I'll drink again. It doesn't say unless someone rapes, it cuts up your daughter. It doesn'T say that anywhere in there. It just says straight out that I cannot live in that mode because it will kill me. And I got through that. I ain't going to tell you I forgive that man. But I'm telling you I learned how to deal with it and that insanity went away and I still work on that part. And I was able to be there for my daughter and my grandchildren. I had the resources to help her for the first time in her life that she really needed me. She needed a father and I was there for her. And you guys gave me that. Apolics Anonymous gave me that. I got to the other side of that and things started going all right and then they told me I had cancer and they had to cut my lips off. And I like my lips right where they're at. I'm in a lot of emotional pain and they want to do this radical surgery on me and they've got to give me dope. You can't give me dough for any reason. Nothing is more important than me being clean and sober. You can put anything in my body that affects me from the neck up, especially if I'm in some kind of emotional pain. You know? You can't do that. I can't handle it. And I had to talk a doctor into doing a surgery with Novocaine and Aspirin, you know, and they did a plastic surgery and cut this lip from here to here to hear a wedge out, put it back together with plastic surgery with Novicaine and aspirin. And let me tell you, that hurt like hell. And it hurt like Hell for a long time. You know. They did a good job. They sure as hell did. Cost enough. it cost enough I got through the other side of that you know and the only thing that was real solid in my life was my marriage and my God and AA you know and I loved this woman with all my first woman I'd ever really been intimate with that really told her who I was and shared myself as another man with her you know and we were as close as two people can be I noticed something was going on between us and I didn't know what it was and I came home and I said what's up with you Connie? And she goes, we got to talk. And I sat down and she held my hand. She says, you know, I don't know how to tell you this kid. She goes, you know, you're the man of my dreams. You're the best husband I could ever ask for, you know. And if I wanted a man, you would be the man. She said, but I can't live this way. I can' t live this lie no more. I said, what are you talking about? She She said, I'm a lesbian. I didn't react that nicely. I didn' t know how to handle this. I have no tools for this. I didn''t know why she was going to say that. And I reacted the way I always react when I'm scared. You know, I got angry. I got mad. I said some horrible things to this woman I loved. And I went to my sponsor and I'm telling him about how this woman has wronged me. And he starts laughing at me. And he goes, what do you mean she wronged you? And I'm saying, man, I did this, I didn't do that. I did that, I said I did it, I say I did the other thing, I do this, and then she did this. Because you sound just like that guy on page 62, 61. I said, what are you talking about? You know, the guy who thought he could wrest satisfaction out of life if he only managed well? Sometimes he was nice, sometimes he was kind, sometimes we were generous. but everything he ever did had a hook in it, you know? Did you do this for this woman because you loved her or because you were trying to control her, you now? Did you expect to get something back for doing the right thing? And man, that was like a slap in the face, you kno? And he said, I want you to go home and write about this. Go write about love. Go write your marriage. Do an inventory. And I had to go do that. I had go write about my wife. The only thing I knew about love is what my kids taught me. The only thing I know about love is what the people in Alcoholics Anonymous tell you. You didn't ask me what my sexuality was when I walked in here, you know? I'm sure you really weren't interested. You didn' t care about anything except that you loved me because I was an alcoholic. That's what you loved about me and you always loved me. You always stood by me. My children, after even the way I treated them, they loved me They loved me unconditionally. And that's the only thing I know of about it. And I had to go write about that marriage and I realized that that woman was a dynamite wife. She completed her vows, everything that she said she promised me she would do, she did, you know? And she came honest to me and talked to me face-to-face about this. And we divorced very amicably, you Know, and she kept my last name and today she's my sister. She's not my wife anymore and she's a very dear friend of mine. And I didn't know you could do that, you Now. I didn' t know you coul do that. If some woman does that, you kick under the curb and go next, you now? And of course, I told right after that, I told my sponsor, I'm very lonely. He says, you're not lonely, you're horny. He says you can't have no relationship until you don't need one. I said, what do you mean? He said, you can have a relationship with anyone until you know who you are. You don't even need a relationship. When you're comfortable with you and your skin and your life is great and you don' t need anyone in your life, then you can bring someone into it. Then you have something to offer someone. Otherwise, you're just looking for someone to fix you. And there ain't no human power that can fix you, kid. And that's what it had to do. Right after that, the only thing, my little girl, she got married. The one that was born and he gave to me. And I was able to give her the kind of marriage I dreamed about the day she was married. A real nice young man came and asked me for her hand in marriage. And I make this payment every month and I will the rest of my life with that wedding. and I never regret it. And the son of a bitch took my daughter to Texas, you know? I don't like Texas. I really don't want my daughter being there. But he took her, you Know, and they're gone. They've been there ever since. And it was just me and my son. Just me and My son. Ten years sober, everything else was gone and My Son got sick and I spent the next five months in that hospital with My Son. On October 4th, 1993, He died in My arms. and it was at that time that I got to experience the truth what these promises really mean he says well know serenity or know what the word means you know and I know what the word meaning serenities to me has nothing to do with watching a beautiful sunset with her with a pocket full of money you know serenite is being able to watch the thing you love the most in your life die and hurting more than you know it was humanly possible to hurt and at the same time knowing in your heart of hearts that this is God's business and God don't make mistakes. I ended up, you know, I got through all that and I'd never done anything. I went to school and to wind this up, my story's long. I'll tell you the way things are today. I was 14 years sober in May. Since my son died, I went to college. I got a degree. I got several certificates. I went into a job at marketing. I'm a marketing director for a company. I met a woman who I'd known for a long time and we started dating a little bit. And I cried out to God one day. You know, one day, I realized my life was full. Everything in my life, I don't need to add anyone to my life. I'm comfortable. My skin fits. I like my little house, me and my dog, you know, and it's just good, you Know? And I took it on my knees that morning in my morning prayer. I said, God, if it's your will, I would really like it if you would allow me to experience true love one more time in my life. But I don't need it, you Now? It's okay if it is not your will. But if it was your will I'd like to experience True Love one more Time in my Life and I'm giving it to you and I am not going to say nothing else two weeks later I got a phone call I was speaking down in San Diego down here that night and this lady the gal I had been dating her mother called me up and she said oh man Carmen got in a horrible car wreck she started drinking again and she got brain damage and she is in this hospital she is probably never going to get out oh my god I am so sorry is there anything that I can do to help she says yeah come up here and get your daughter And I said, my daughter? She goes, yeah. You have a three-month-old daughter. You didn't know? And I went, no. I didn't Know anything about it because she had moved to L.A. I hadn't seen her in about a year. And I drove up to Los Angeles and they put this little girl on my arms in a little bassinet and she looked at me and smiled and you know what happened? I fell head over heels in love, man. Just head over heals in love. you know my good friend Benny Benny's her favorite Uncle Benny you know she's my nanny that's what I named her and people said well aren't you going to have a blood test and I said no and they said well maybe she's not yours I go yes she is God gave her to me I ain't giving her back either you know And I had to speak that night and I drove down here to San Diego and I walked out and I didn't know what to do, man. I don't know what I said that night. I just set the bassinet right here and she looked up at me and smiled, you know and I just I have no idea what I did. I'm glad they didn't tape it, you know. Oh, you did? Oh, God. I was there. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that is right. Evidence. You know, my life was so full, me and that little girl, and we grew closer. And I was at a meeting one night, a meeting I have been going to since I got sober, and there was a gal there that me and her had been on many committees together for many years and had the utmost respect. I was just a little bit sober, We're just a little bit longer than her. And she asked if she could hold my daughter, and I said, yeah, sure. And so she was holding Nanu, and I'm looking at the way she's looking at it, and I've been looking at her for a long time. And I'm going, wow, there's a match, you know? I said Sabrina, so how's John? She goes, oh, me and John have been divorced for a year. I said oh, I'm so sorry. I said well, you don't mind me asking what's happened? She goes well, I wanted to have children, and he didn't. And I went, oh, really? You like kids, do you? And we got married. And 11 months ago she put a little boy in my arms and his name was William Casey and we call him God's Will. And my son was born on the day 25 years after the day my son got hit by the car on the same day. And God gave me back a healthy young man, and he's my baby, he's my boy. And I wouldn't trade my life for anything that's happened to me. I wouldn' t trade places with any human being on the face of the earth. My sponsor, I sat with him right up until he died, and I held his hand. He died of cancer. and he said this to me, Kip he says, KIP, you've come so far and then he cut me off you know, I saw my head go a little bit but you've got a long way to go you know and he says KIP he says I'm going to give you a promise that ain't in the big book and I'm gonna give you all this promise too you new people he says you'll stick around and do the things that we ask you to do if you'll become a part of this become a party become a member of this not just attend meetings become a partner of Alcoholics Anonymous You can mess yourself in this. He says, I'll guarantee you that someday, sometime, and I don't know when, someday you're going to be walking by a mirror and it's going to about midnight. There ain't going to no one to impress. It's just going to do you. You're going see the man looking back that you always dreamed about being. And I ain't here to tell you that I'm any big deal. You know, there's people here that know me, you know. But I'll tell you this from my heart to yours, as a result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I am the best man I've ever been in every area of my life you know and I owe that to Alcoholics Anonymous I take no credit for it Alcoholics Aonimous has taught me how to live in a world that I've never understood it's taught me how to do things that I don't know how to be how to go you know it's given me a life that I would not trade places with anybody in the world you know and I offer it to you and with everyone else and that's all I got for you thanks for letting me be here Thank you.