The Agnostic Who Realized Higher Power Was a Version of Herself – Valerie D.

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com whether you join us in the morning or at night there's nothing better than a sober sunrise we hope that you enjoy today's speaker hi my name is valerie downing and i am an alcoholic and my sobriety date is october 13th 1992 and my home group is the jaywalkers group Richmond and we meet on Tuesday nights and Friday nights Tuesday nights we have a speaker's meeting and on Fridays we have a beginner's meeting for 45 minutes we take a break hidden then we have closed discussion meeting so if you're ever on the East Coast please come by and see us we would love to have you my mom is sitting directly in front of me and it's making me nervous you were supposed to sit over there I'm really honored that my mom is here but she's never heard me talk so I'm really afraid of what's going to come out of my mouth but and and I'm very honored to be here it's really cool and thank you to Larry and to the committee for inviting me very very kind of you I don't think you know what you got yourself into but here I am and it's too late now but very honored to be here thank you you know they had me as a young people speaker and you know I sponsor women that are you know in their early 20s and to me they're the young people and then I was thinking well compared to Wallace Sterling and Tom I am a young person so it's all right but anyway um so I tell you I'm just like a lot of the speakers that have already spoke when they're talking about alcoholism. Um, before I ever picked up a drink, I felt very different from everybody else. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew there was something wrong with Me. I couldn't figure out what it was. I couldn't figured out why I didn' fit. I don't understand why I was so afraid of everything. Um just very separated, always on the outside looking in and not being able to be a part of and always overcompensating for that. So a lot of the time I was saying or doing things that were inappropriate, um, for the moment in an effort to try to fit. Um, my sponsor used to talk to me about as alcoholics, we are power seekers and I understand that. And I identify with that because I was always looking for something to fill a hole within some type of power in my life and the first place i found that was him being a thief and not the most honorable thing but that's where i found him and and as a very young young child sneaking over to my one friend's house dawn and stealing her toys and taking them back to my house and hiding them under my bed and um stealing just i was an equal opportunity thief i didn't care who you were um i stole from you and no conscience about that unless i got caught uh no conscience above that whatsoever some people would say that's psychopathic but um maybe i was that too anyway but that was the first place that i found some power and i was just different and and just didn't fit i was always going from groups of groups from groups of people to groups of people and I did that drunk and I did that when I wasn't drinking because I was so restless and discontented with them I started drinking at a pretty young age at 14 going on 15 mom I don't know if you knew that but there you go and stealing alcohol from my parents and the effect was such magic for me that I pursued it at the expense of everything, everything. I stopped going to school. What little I did participate, I stopped participating. In the period of a year, I was labeled an ungovernable by the state of Florida, habitual runaway, habitual truant in transit use centers, juvenile detention centers, having high-speed car chases, just insane. And those were all consequences of my drinking, but I didn't care and my parents in an effort to try to help me started sending me to shrinks and one of them that they sent me to basically told them your daughter's got a drug and alcohol problem and she needs to be put away so So one day, my mom and dad come to me and they say, we're going on a little trip. And they didn't tell me where we were going, but I knew from the look on their face that it wasn't good. And they took me to a treatment center out in Jacksonville, Florida at Jax Beach called the Care Unit, and this was in 1982. And I was in there for three months. That's when insurance was still good, that you could go for a long time and they paid for it all or most of it and it was like a resort and I wasn't a good treatment center participant I did not follow the rules while I was there I absolutely believed that rules do not apply to me I'll do what you want me to do while you're looking but as soon as you're not looking I'm going to do exactly what I want to do and as a matter of fact you know in treatment if you're good you get to move up levels and days and you get privileges when I left I was on level one day one so I didn't follow the rules I just didn't get it and you know when I got out of there I started going to AA meetings a great thing that happened to me while I was in treatment though was that I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous so I started to AA a meetings and that was tough because nobody likes to have their mommy drop them off at AAA but I started going to this meeting in Orange Park Florida and this little clubhouse and you know I went the first night I went in there there were all these very old people there to me and you know that's when you could still smoke in meaning so there was like the six seven foot cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling and all the oldies were gathered around that coffee pot and talking smack and talking like this and you know and I sat in the back and and I didn't belong there and I was angry that I was there I didnít think that I wasnít alcoholic I thought it was my parents fault that I incomplete I thought was my parent's fault that um I wasn't okay and that I having difficulties it was absolutely my circumstances in life and never occurred to me that I was the problem never occurred to me at all and back then in that area there were not alone a lot of young people coming in so I remember this one old guy saying to me you know you're still young you don't have to do what we have done go home listen to your parents they're trying to help you go to church be a good girl and it to me those were great words of wisdom they meant to me you don't belong here and so I decided to follow that advice how I interpreted that and was going in and out of alcoholics announced for about two years and after a little while though I started showing up at the meetings they're drunk and I stole the key to the clubhouse I stole their money that's where I would take my friends to go drink was at the AA Clubhouse I got a great place for staying out so you know I wasn't a good a member so you know and what was wonderful is that I've had the opportunity in sobriety this time to go back and clean that up through our immense process and pay that money back and it might my fault and where I was wrong and it was a wonderful experience and I one of the guys that was there who you know took my bunny and all this stuff he goes we knew there was something wrong with you you know and we're glad you made it back and he just remembered me being a shenanigan because i was in and out of there and uh you know my version of working with others was helping the boys ride along and um as a matter of fact you know when i was 17 i got into a lot of trouble and um i had stolen some things and uh and it was a bad situation and i was basically told you need to get yourself straightened up and i Was desperate enough at the time that i made this decision that i'm going to get sober and i'm gonna stay sober for the rest of my life and i meant that i meant that so i got sober and stayed sober for about three and a half years i moved out to the west Coast my real father at the time was sober about five years in a a moved in with him and was going to a meeting every day hanging out at the clubhouse in Covina California the 502 Club which their motto is or the people I was hanging around with that the club house was who's on who at the 50 to and I was hanging with that bunch as a matter of fact this guy big book max to said to me one time he said girl you need to sit down shut up and keep your legs crossed because my version of working with others was you know chasing boys going to the 13 step dances I had a sponsor in name only that was my favorite kind and as a matter of fact my father picked my my sponsor and I let him do it because he was paying money back to me with his amends and I didn't want to stop the cash flow so you know I would say yeah I had a sponsor yes she's still my sponsor and I would stay in contact just enough so that I didn't I didn't have to do too much I absolutely did not let this woman know how I was living what I was doing I did not live this way of life as a matter of In fact, I got very, very spiritually ill. And I wasn't drinking and going to a meeting every day. So there's more to this than the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And around three and a half years sober, dry. Actually, a friend of ours in North Carolina calls it so-dry-ity, and that was me. I was so dry. About three and half years dry. I drank again, and it happened just like that. There absolutely was no effective mental defense in place. I had not developed a relationship with my creator. I was an example of self-will run riot. I was very, very ill. Nothing in my life had changed. I continued to be a liar and a thief and all kinds of insane conduct sober and in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was that type of person that the people The people that were reasonably sane or spiritually fit said, stay away from her because you're going to get into trouble. That's not what AA is about. So I drank again and I stayed out for four years. And in that four years, I moved to Atlanta and I was in Atlanta for a couple of years. And I remember going to a meeting in Atlanta because I was starting to, you know, when you've got a head full of AA and you're trying to drink, it takes a lot of booze to shut that up. and um but i was trying to make it work you know and um i remember going to a meeting and this gal i said i went up to her and i said i really don't know if i'm an alcoholic i really don't know and she looked at me and she said well you're here aren't you and to me this is my experience that is not a message of depth and weight there's not a lot of people or there are people that come into a thought are not alcoholics of our type they get sent here by the courts they were drinking stupid one night or whatever and they got caught for me my opinion is that if somebody comes in to AAA and they're not sure if they're an alcoholic it is my responsibility to help them find out if they are one of us because it's about their life their life is dependent on them finding out the truth if they are an alcoholic of our type and surrendering to that so that was an excuse for me to not stay there and I never went back and I tried various ways of controlling my drinking one of my bright ideas was I decided one time that I was gonna raise sheep I thought that would fix it so we were out on 20 acres south of Atlanta and and I'm you know and I moved with a guy I met in LA I moved him out there and you know we got married and I thought would solve it I think you know I just I always thought if I give my my outer circumstances together I'm gonna be okay my life will make sense i will be fine all the things that are wrong will be fixed if my circumstances are correct and it just it didn't work i kept trying and trying and just it didn't work so one of the things i tried was raising sheep because i thought well maybe i need to try that whole back to nature shoveling sheep dude type of thing you know and being in a barn and uh being country and uh that was for wallace um but pretty soon i was drunk with my sheep and um raising sheep didn't work and i'm telling you and i mean this it's a good thing i'm not a man when i was drunken those sheep because i can see how that happens i really can I understand it'd be part of my conduct inventory I'm not kidding as a matter of fact when we moved up to New York we lived in front of a dairy farm and I understood how it would work out there too so but anyway that's neither here nor there sheep doesn't work if if you ever want to try to control your raising sheep doesn't work. So, I mean, that was just some of the insane things that I tried, you know, and I love the definition of insanity that our book gives us, which is lack of proportion. Do not think straight. The inability to think straight, that's the story of my life, complete lack of proportion, and i absolutely don't think straight so anyway I was in Atlanta for a couple years and ripping and roaring and things were just starting to get bad there when we my now ex-husband got transferred up to New York it's like oh thank god you know I'm ready for a change new group of people I'll start fresh and I'd had a son by that time and moved up to new york when he was a couple weeks old and I was trying to be good for my son and I was trying not to drink for my song and I thought that would solve it the responsibility of being a mother would change me and went to the doctor and I was breastfeeding at the time and the doctor I didn't drink beer I thought beer was for wimps I drank liquor and liquors quicker and I didn t mess with that beer and the doctors said to me you know since your breastfeeding when you're having difficulty if you drink some beer that'll help let your milk down and I was like okay I'll try that so I like beer I grew to like beer Geneseo beer as a matter of fact for any of you New Yorkers and I started drinking again and I and I gone so whatever brief period I had of abstinence once I put that alcohol into my system I was off and running again at the expense of everything and everyone i am one of those people that leads a very ugly life when i'm drinking very ugly um and i do a lot of damage and i hurt a lot people and i did a lot of things that just aren't appropriate to share from the podium i led a very double life um i started i was a fine art rep by day and at night i was hanging out in the in the biker bars carrying a gun with a do-rag around my head with skull and crossbones i mean complete opposites not that there's anything wrong well carrying a gun probably any good idea but not that there's anything wrong with that life or this life it's just they were at complete odds with each other and nobody ever knew what i was doing ever i never told the whole truth to anyone ever um i'm just a liar and uh one evening one particularly humiliating evening um and i'm sure i had been looked at this way many times before with just complete disgust by those that were around me for whatever reason that evening i saw it, it registered with me. And that night my father called me and he in essence 12 stepped me back into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And my then husband was getting ready to get transferred down to Richmond, Virginia. And I made this decision, well, when I get down to Richmond I'm going to stop drinking. And it never occurred to me that I couldn't do that. That I didn't have the power to do that. Because before if I wanted to stop drinking, I stopped. I mean, I always started again, but I was able to stop and got down to Richmond. I went to my first meeting and it was at the Phoenix Group, which I thought that's appropriate. I'm going to rise from the ashes, but no grandiosity here. But I went through my first meetings at Phoenix Group and I felt like I was home. I felt Like I heard how it works read for the very first time. Um, I knew I was in the right place. I was willing to do what you guys asked me to do I got a sponsor right away she ended up being committed a couple weeks later but she was perfect for me at the time we understood each other because I was insane and saying once I stopped drinking I go nuts I'm not very comfortable sober it's very uncomfortable for me to be sober unless there's a sufficient substitute which which Wallace just did a beautiful job talking about earlier today. So anyhow, I went to that meeting and I wanted to be here more than anything. Our book talks about great desire, great need, great wish. And for people like me, it's not enough. That does not supply what I need in order for me to stop drinking and to stay stopped because I ended up drinking two more times, and I had no intention whatsoever to drink. My last drink actually happened up in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I went up there to see an artist. I was in his studio, and he had whiskey on his work table, and he just asked me, do you want a shot? And out of my mouth comes, yeah, I do. And I was NAA wanting to be a member of AA. I had never had that desire like that before, to be in Alcoholics Anonymous, and i drank anyway and um i'd had a couple shots and then my husband came to pick me up and that's the worst feeling in the world to have your drinking interrupted i was mighty angry the rest of the day very uncomfortable so when they all go to bed at night i'm up trying to finish the job and i'm trying to get to that place where i feel nothing and where i can hopefully pass out and uh just oblivion that's where I'm trying to go and I cannot get there and I feel completely at war with myself and um I just I asked God for help I said God please help me and from that moment on I have not had to take a drink and I uh I absolutely believe that that's god grace god's grace because there's no way someone like me could stay sober this amount of time without something bigger than me intervening so i've not had a drink since then um sobriety has been really interesting um haven't raised any sheep in sobrietry but i've been busy doing some other stuff um but sobriete has been real interesting um you know when i got sober this time I was pretty crazy I went to I got another sponsor right away I called her every day I went through a meeting every day she the message he carried to me was Hazelton and I took those steps out of Hazleton I did exactly what she asked me to do well not completely when it came to relationships and then I still kind of had my own agenda like they told me don't leave your husband died already I already had to wait in the wings you know because you know I'm one of those I was one of this female predators in a no respect for anyone at all absolutely a taker and alcoholics anonymous some people say that's really sick and it was anyway so I left my husband at around nine months and I you know and I didn't know anything about how to live I I'd always found people to take care of me and know anything responsibility and know anything about being self-supporting through your own contributions and know anything about paying your bills having a checking account getting a job that you have to show up for on a regular basis a real job I didn't know anything about that in essence I have grown up and I'm still growing up according to my sponsor and Alcoholics Anonymous you guys have taught me how to live so it's pretty messy my first couple of years when I was around nine months sober though I started to go a little bit nuts and I met some people who started taking me to a big book meeting and it was like lights started to go off had a spiritual experience I was I became an evangelist for alcoholics anonymous and I started to find myself in those pages when they would get their topic out of the book I started to identify with what they were talking about and I had no idea that how it works was in the big book I've been around a for a long time had no clue that that came out of the book and had it was a revelation to me to find out that there were directions on how to start an injured day I mean just a revelation I was like did you see this this is so cool I mean I just I just just I woke up a little bit and it was it was awesome and I got I made that my home group and I started to carry people to meetings and get some commitments and I had a different sponsor and she took me through the steps the best way that she knew how and and it a wonderful time in my sobriety at around three and a half years the bottom completely fell out and I got very, very sick again, spiritually sick in AA. I got very very depressed, lost my no car, no job, no money, no nothing. Very angry at the people in AA, I thought AA didn't work. I thought all of y'all were full of poo. I though God was messing up, I was very angry at god i didn't understand why i was having that experience i'm like god how can you do this to me after everything i've done for you you know the sacrifices i've made um just very angry very just rage and then on the floor depression and i had the good fortune of meeting this gal i was at her host at a conference and her name was camille fray and she lived in louisville kentucky at the time and i was her host at a conference and i was listening to her talk and she was starting to share about how she was 12 years dry and she had a shotgun and her man was out gambling and drinking and she's just waiting for the old boy to walk in back through the door because she's going to blow him away and i'm like yeah i understand that i related to her and she wasn't there and she said no i'm not going to do that she was different something had happened but i understood the rage that she was talking about because that's where I was at and I didn't understand what was happening I thought AA didn't work I thought I'd given myself to AA and it wasn't working so I asked her for help and she uh she said yeah I'll help you but you got to come out to Louisville Kentucky so I said okay I was desperate so I borrowed $40 and I drove out to Louisville Kentucky and she sat me down and she talked to me and she goes, Valerie you are a mad dog alcoholic and you're going to die like one of those bad Louisiana psychics you know I'm dying and if you think I'm going to pat you on the tutu and tell you that everything is going to be alright you got the wrong woman here she was very direct with me very honest with me she didn't pull any punches she talked straight to me she didn't soften up anything for me and that was exactly what i needed and i i believe that god used that woman to save my life because i was suicidal and it took me years to fully come out of that people thought i needed to be committed because my behavior became so erratic and insane and because i Was so depressed and i needed to be medicated and I needed to be put away and I need long-term therapy or because there was just something wrong but what was happening is that I just hit another bottom a spiritual bottom there were a lot of things in my life even though I wasn't drinking that had not changed that I had not surrendered and there were some things that I was holding back and that's what she started talking to me about she she started talking tome about the circle and the triangle and she goes we have to be in all three parts Valerie if you're not in all three parts you cannot be whole and are you willing to do what I'm gonna ask you to do and she told me very clearly what she was going to ask me to do and one of the things that she said to me you know we have recovery which are our 12 steps we're start at the beginning where to go word for word when it says pray we're gonna pray when it says right we're in a right when it says go here and do this you're gonna go there and do that when I asked a question you're going to answer it are you ready to write honest inventory because there were some things I had withheld on my inventory are you willing to make some amends there were absolutely some amens that previously I was not willing to make and those were the things that were standing in my way is my unwillingness before and I landed in a in a hell of a mess so but because of it so she asked me if I was willing and I said absolutely because I was desperate and then she talked about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous in our 12 traditions and she asked me about my conduct in the fellowship of a a and what kind of a member am i am I taker an Alcoholics Anonymous or do I give am I willing to be inconvenienced by AlcoholicsAnonymous or not am I willing to be a solid member of a home group which means showing up early staying late, having a job, going to committed meetings, learning about how the traditions play out in a home group. I was the kind of person before that that I'd show up on time if it was convenient. I wouldn't go to my home group if I just had had a long day. You know what she told me is you will be at your home group unless you are a dead, you are sick and I'm talking about you're ready to go the hospital sick or you are out of town dead sick or out of town otherwise you're at your home group and you're there early you have a job and you stay late and you know in many many more things with the traditions you know and we looked at the concepts and she goes this little advanced day a for you right now but we will get to the concepts and how you can be of service in the bigger picture of Alcoholics Anonymous when you get the opportunity to serve as a GSR or at your intergroup level. Are you willing? Are you unwilling to give yourself to this? And I said, yes, I am. And so I did what she asked me to do, and she took me through those steps, and I've had many experiences since then. You know, I had a really profound experience with her in the first step. I knew that I could not drink safely. I understood that where I was starting to have a whole new experience was with the unmanageability because I was having some serious, I did not believe I was real agnostic and I didn't realize it. I absolutely wanted to run my own life. I Absolutely had my own agenda of how my life should look and I wasn't willing to surrender that. And I knew I was powerless over alcohol. My experience coming back into AA showed me that, that I can't. I'm just as powerless over alcohol today standing here as the day I was when I walked into AA. The only thing that's happened is that I've been placed in a position of neutrality where it's not an issue. I just have a living problem, a living sober problem. so anyway she helped me take a look at that and I had an amazing experience with the first step I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety and everything that that means everything that that means I give up we went to the second step that I love that chapter we agnostics because it's me to a tee I love to rely on my own mind I love things that satisfy my mind I'd love to try to wrap my mind around spiritual concepts and principles and manage things and my sponsor used to tell me you know you got some funky ideas about God funky and that that the second step we agnostics chapter help uncover some of those for me like I really believed that you know especially when things weren't going my way I really believe that God had favorites that there were the haves and the have-nots and I was a have-not that you had to do this thing perfectly you had to do Alcoholics Anonymous live by spiritual principles perfectly or God would not help you God would not be there for you as a matter of fact I I remember being all in a tizzy about something one day and calling my sponsor. And because, you know, I think I got to pray just right. If I if I don't pray just Right, then I'm not going to get any relief. And I want some relief from the uncomfortability in my mind. And my sponsor says, Well, what do you think about God? And out of my mouth comes I think God is punishing and vindictive and God plays favorites and God withholds. And my sponsor said to me, well, you have God set up as a version of you. I'm like, that's a low blow, but it's true. Because I am all those things. I'm absolutely 100% capable of being all of those things, vindictive, punishing, judgmental, play favorites, all of that, I'm capable of that. So, you know, a little light went on. Oh, I didn't realize. I remember the day that our book talks about we have to step from bridge to shore, that I can no longer rely on my own mind and the knowledge that I have gained about God in AA. I have to actually put that into action. I have to begin to acquire faith through action. I have stop arranging things or trying to make things happen. And I remember the day that that shift happened in me. I remember that day that I realized that I hadn't thought about suicide in a long time, that something had changed. And the only thing that had changed is that I just showed up willing to give myself completely to all parts of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I got to the third step, you know, I knew I needed to develop a relationship with this power greater than myself, but I was afraid of what my life was going to look like. Because I was like, well, what if God wants me to be a nun in South America and never have money or sex again, you now? What an order. I can't go through with it. you know, I mean, and I was really afraid that God was going to ask me to do something like that. And my sponsor very wisely said, well, let's just, maybe God's already got somebody doing that. We'll just take it one day at a time, you know? And, uh, you know, and, and things like, you know, in the, where it talks about the third step, you know, it talks about little plans and designs. You know, my sponsor was very, very clear. You know, Valerie, that word applies to you. Little, you have little plans and designs i mean they're constantly deflating me and i'm so grateful for that um but i didn't have anywhere else to go so i was willing to turn my will my thought life and my life everything i hope to ever become or be in god's care i'm willing to give that and i absolutely believe today, no question in my mind, and I used to hear it in meetings all the time, and i thought they were just full of crap God's plan is better than anything i can come up with it really is God really will take care of me no matter what and i didn't believe that stuff for the longest time and today i know that that's true that has been my experience but i just had to get past what I thought I knew my own mind and my own fear wrote inventory I had never written inventory before following the directions in our book so you know that was a new experience I remember calling my sponsor one time to read some inventory and I get to the fourth column and I say now here you're ready here's my part and he says to me what are you talking about your part where does it say that in a big book and I'm like you know it's in the big book it's an fourth column and i really thought it was there and he goes we'll go find it for me so you know I go get my book and I'm gonna show him where it is and I like I know it's here but it's not there and you know what was interesting as I had been writing on some resentments that I had not been able to get free of and that was part of the reason of why could not get free it's because I was still saying my part that person still had a part I had not completely disregarded the other person involved entirely and that's what this is about. It's as if what they have done hasn't happened. I have to resolutely look for my own mistakes. Where have I been wrong? Where have i been selfish, dishonest? How have i been self-seeking? What am i afraid of? The inventory's mine and it's and that's where my freedom lies is in the truth and becoming responsible for the truth about me and I've had amazing experiences in writing inventory and getting to fourth column in forgiveness for people I didn't believe deserved to be forgiven compassion all of that stuff were gifts of being willing to write honest inventory and to resolutely look at my own mistakes I had a lot of fear I didn't realize how much my life had been driven by fear and that was awesome and I wrote conduct and God knows there was a lot to right there I needed a lot of help in that area you know when they said you know some of us needed an overhauling there I was like yeah baby that's me so I had a lot to do there and I've had a lots of do in recovery since my first inventory on conduct my sponsor used to say that may be one of your deeper rooted character defects but anyhow so when I did my first fifth step with Camille I drove back out to Louisville Kentucky and she sat me in her son room and she had me read she sent somebody in there that I didn't know and she hadn't you read it to that woman and then she sent somebody else in there that i didn't and she have me read it too hurt too and I was hated her for doing that at first I thought that was very unfair and she pointed out to me in the book where says that we can read our inventory to person or persons the she knew what she was doing with me, though, because I was such a liar and I was such an actor. And I really believed that I was different than other people, that I wasn't different from you, that I lied in some worse kind of way, that my thoughts were worse than yours, were sicker than yours that my conduct none of y'all had ever done. And I realized through that experience that I was no different and I got smashed a little bit and I wasn't such the actor when I came out of that experience I've had tremendous experiences in six and seven I absolutely believe with the twelve and twelve says about separates the men from the boys that has been my experience real change began to happen for me there I don't want to be the kind of person who is capable of the things that showed up in my inventory i am willing to ask god to remove that i do not have the power to i'm absolutely well say this i'm actually 100 responsible for my conduct today 100 responsible but i cannot remove my selfishness and self-centeredness on my own i need god's help on my own i can't do it so i'm very grateful for the that prayer the seventh step prayer because i know i can be changed on my home um i got willing to make amends um i had a lot of financial amends to make those were some of the hardest amends because i had stolen a lot over a long period of time and i even did that well into sobriety it took a while for that to leave and my sponsor told me you know you took it out of the world you got to put it back into the world and at the time I think I was making maybe maybe $13,000 a year to make these amends was inconceivable to me I owed so much money I couldn't even conceive of paying it back and then my bright ideas well I'll just save up and pay it back all at once you know that's what i think is the right thing to do and thank god for strong sponsorship and i was told absolutely not i don't care what the amount is but you call them up or you go see them you arrange the best deal you can i don'T care if it'S a dollar five dollars but you pay that every month and you pay it consistently and there were some months that it was all i could do to write that check i did not want to do it it was like it's my money and because i was afraid i was going to go without that i was gonna lose something that i had something to protect and the damnedest thing happened the more i started to pay back those financial amends the more money started coming into my life and i don't understand how that works doesn't make sense but in the realm of the spirit it makes complete sense So I got very busy making amends, making ammends to my family. It took a long time, I think, for my mother to trust me. She always looked at me out of the corner of her eye waiting for the real Valerie to show up or the old Valerie. And I'm very grateful for the relationship that I have today with my mother and my brothers. I love them dearly, and I'm Very fortunate. so cleaning up the family is important practicing the tenth step daily you know one time I called up my sponsor and for a long time you know I would see people, my heroes in Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor included and I wanted my sponsor to run my life i want my sponsor to tell me everything to do i didn't want to make any wrong decisions i didn'T want to experience any kind of pain and i remember calling my sponsor don up one time and i'm like what do i do and he goes valerie you're such a thief you're such a spiritual thief quit trying to steal my experience like oh another low blow um go follow the directions go pray ask god for the right thought or action go do what it's asking you to do and develop a relationship with this power greater than yourself develop the intuitive thought but i'm i'm lazy you know so but it so i began to have start to practice that and and really practicing 10 and 11 actively daily and and creating a working relationship and and a prayerful relationship and in a reliant relationship with this power greater than myself and currently what's going on with me and my prayer life is very very simple i'm kind of uncomfortable in general right now not sure what the hay is going on but i know it'll show up sooner or later um but the prayer that has been sitting with me is just out of the 11th step which is you know thy will be done not mine but what i say is merciful father i pray that your will be done not mine and i stay very active in alcoholics anonymous in all three parts um very active and taking women through the steps i sponsor a lot of women i'm very active at my home group my homegroup does a lot and it's an honor to even be a part of it but we are very active carrying meetings into correctional facilities into treatment centers we are very active socially we spend a lot of time in each other's homes we just had our first conference we just put on our first fellowship of the spirit which Tom was out at he was calling me madam Perez for a while I was like finally somebody who recognizes my greatness but you know he hasn't called me madam Prez not once since I've been here so but anyway but know we did our first conference we do talent shows we go dancing together we eat dinner together we we fellowship together and um and i have a family in alcoholics anonymous and it is a wonderful thing to be a part they are my people i am theirs and they are mine and i i just love it it is the fellowship that i was seeking it was the fellowship that i've been craving all of my life and i found it here and i almost missed it i almost missed it and i'm so grateful that i was able to make it back to alcoholics anonymous so i'm very active serving alcoholics anonymous my uh home group we get regular gsr reports and regular gso reports we want to know what's going on in alcoholics synonymous we care about what's going on in our fellowship and the direction that we're heading and we know that we are a small part of a great whole and that our voice counts and we're very interested in the fellowship staying whole with its primary purpose as a matter of fact not long ago when they came out with the fourth edition And this is just an example of the power of your home group. One of the things that they had listed in the, I think it's some part in there, but that there was no difference between the online meeting and the meeting the home group around the corner. Well, we largely disagreed with that. And we think there's a huge difference. And we were one of the groups that wrote into GSO respectfully requesting that that be changed. and because of groups writing in that was changed so you can be a part of something bigger than just what's going on in your own backyard what's doing on your own back yard is extremely important because that's where we do our work of helping other alcoholics but it's also important for us for myself and for our home group to care about what's going on at a as a as a whole so I've been very fortunate I've had very fine teachers and Alcoholics Anonymous very fun messengers and Alcoholics Anonymous I have my heroes in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I just, I love you all. And thank you so much for having me. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.