The Agnostic Who Found a Code of Conduct in the 11 Steps – Gene D.

The meeting on anonymity will be held after this meeting. My name is Gene and I too am an alcoholic. In identifying as an alcoholic, I based that identification on my interpretation of the definition of the word alcoholic as it's defined in the third chapter of the book Alcoholics Anonymous where it says that we alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking and that's all it says feel a little strange up here I expect these people to stand up any minute and start singing Amazing Grace and how often have you looked over at a box like that please I got kids at home I'm from somebody asked me where Calistoga is that's where I live in a little town called Calistogas as a matter of fact there's more people in this room than there are in the little town that i live in it's like talking to the whole town you know and calistoga is 80 miles north of san francisco it's at the north end of the napa valley more commonly known as uh the wine country uh down here you uh you make a tv series down here that's filmed in our little town called falcon crest so if you've ever seen falcon cress that that's where i live you know Not with all them big buck people or anything like that But in that valley, you know They call winos connoisseurs up there It will be very obvious to you shortly That I'm a pretty illiterate guy And I don't have much of an education And that's really no fault of anybody but myself I'm just a dumb kid That's all the hell I ever was There's no explanation for it In every classroom, there were smart kids, average kids, and dumb kids. And I was a dumb kid. And so trying to talk intellectual to you or to tell you anything about our illness or our disease would be absurd to me because I sort of have a strange feeling towards education. I come from the Mark Twain School of Education. Mark Twaint once was quoted as saying that he never let schooling interfere with his education. I'm born and raised in the Lower East Side of New York City, and that wasn't exactly Disneyland. But coming down here today as I was driving through the wine country and then I shot over and I came down through Marin County and I went past a construction site and they were building a big new high school there, you know, and they had this sign out in front of it that says... Wait till you hear this, guys. It says, Future Site of the Francis W. Pennington High. Can you imagine telling somebody that you go to Francis W., Penningdon High? I imagine the logo on their football helmets is a canary, you know. The high school I went to didn't have a name. It had a number. If it had a name, it would have been something like Lucky Luciano Tech Al Capone Prep A driver's education in our school was how to leave the scene of an accident All of which had nothing to do with my later years There's a problem with alcohol, but I used to blame it on that. As a matter of fact, I blamed my alcoholism, my unmanageability on a lot of things before I finally had the courage and the honesty to blame It on myself where it belonged. I never intended to be an alcoholic, and I don't believe you intended to be an alcoholic. It certainly wasn't a goal or a dream of mine. I didn't write down in a yearbook, you know, that I wanted to be in AA or anything like that. Just somewhere along the line, as it's often been said in rooms like this, I crossed over that invisible line that they talk about into the world of the uncontrolled drinker, and it certainly wasn't by choice. And for a long time, like so many others, I didn't want to be an alcoholic, and because I didn'T want to BE an alcoholic awful things became part of my life. Awful things became part of MY life. If I was to have the time we went to spend a few days together, I could recount, you know, a blow-by-blow description of what happened. But if I do touch on anything, you know, that might sound like it was rather embarrassing or humiliating, I want you to remember this, if you remember anything. None of it really had to happen because everything that happened to me happened to be after I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I came here at age 24, wedding white. I'd never even had a parking ticket, been in a hospital, been in a jail room or been threatened divorce or lost some job or anything like that and at age 24 i found myself sitting in a room similar to this of course not with this many people hearing the same things that we hear over and over again at aa meetings now but it made no sense to me i've certainly fulfilled uh that first sentence and i think it's the third chapter or the third chapter where it says none of us was willing to admit that we were real alcoholics and it tells That's simply why, because no one likes to think that he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. And that was me. That was me, but when the time came when I, like many of you, you know, was literally brought to my knees, you know, with no other choice than, uh, then I think somewhere I read once it says that a dilemma will generally precede our decision as to whether to continue on in our madness or reach out for the recovery. And it was at that time that I, as you, apparently made a decision. And our presence here tonight says that we made the right decision. It wasn't a popular decision. It certainly wasn't the thing I really wanted to do. But I didn't want to continue on in the madness. I still wanted to drink. Because like you, alcohol was the most important thing in my life. It was my life! I know that I'm not the only person in this room that shares that belief. surely there are others of you who who sit out here right now who at some time or another back in your drinking career to to exemplify the importance of alcohol had grabbed your head and said jesus christ give me a drink before i die you know uh fully believing that you were gonna die you don't normal people don't understand that they don't they think we're a little bit weird you know when we say things like that but you know it and i know it that's what that dilemma was all about a dilemma is a strange thing you know i i asked the school teacher in our group once i asked paul what the hell does the word dilemma mean i don't even know what it means and he says it's when you have the opposite answers for the same question and both answers are valid well i figured he was going into the early stages of male menopause or some damn thing because how the hell can you have that opposite answers to the same questions until i I recalled in my own inventory of a horrible time in my life, of a mourning in my Life. That mourning, that time that I had to face, just as there was a time that you had to faith. That moment, I guess, where that last bit of honesty that's left in you comes face to face with you because I remember shuffling into a scumbag of a joint on West Madison Street, which was Chicago Skid Row, a filthy, rotten, scummy old hole, you know. And I had relegated myself even though I wasn't 30 years old yet, but there was not even any need for conversation anymore because all you did was go in there and throw your pennies and your nickels and whatever the hell you had up on the bar. And if it totaled 15 cents, they poured you four ounces of some cheap, crappy old wine, certainly not that come from the Napa Valley, I'll tell you that. More like the pride of Lodi or something like that. And I remember sitting there that morning and they put that four ounces of wine in a seven-ounce paper cup, you know, so you don't spill it all over the goddamn place and when you drop it, you don' t break nothing. And if you're like me, you've done the same thing and some of you have done it at your kitchen table, some of us have done this and some you might have done in fancier places than Rothschilds. Some of you might've done in the backseat of your car or in a club or the Elks Club or the VFW. But someplace we've often had to come face to face with that, that little bit of honest reality that's left. Because I don't come from a school of thought, you know, that shakes their head and clucks their teeth like sick chickens and go, the poor alcoholic, he's the last one to know it, like hell. I knew and you knew long before anybody else. Maybe not that we were alcoholic because I wasn't ready to concede to that. But I knew there was something different about the way I drank and something bad about the way I drank. And I even had fleeting moments of reality knowing that if I continued to drink like this, things that were going to be very unpopular would soon become part of my life. And I knew that. And actually remember sitting there that morning looking at that goddamn cup full of wine, you know. And every morning guys on Skid Row cry. And if you've been on Sked Row, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Every alcoholic on Skad Row cries the first thing in the morning because that's the only time that 24-hour period that he has to go face to face with reality for not only what he's done to himself but what he've done to those who still love and care about him you know and until you take that drink you have to look at that and you look there looking at that goddamn drink and them tears are running down mixing with that snot and that sweat and you're looking at friggin drinking you know god damn well it's killing you you know that you're saying to yourself jesus christ if i drink that it's going to kill me and yet in the back of your head something saying but if you don't drink it you're gonna die and that's the opposite answers for the same question and both of them are valid if i drank it it kills me and if i don't break it i die and it's a time like that that we're forced to make some kind of a decision. Some of us continue on in that madness for a while, some of us seek out those environments that the book talks about, an environment that will tolerate our way of life, persisting as the book says, in an illusion that somehow, someway, someday I'll once more be able to drink like a so-called normal person. And every time I say that you know I sort of get clammy because you know, I'm not known as a guy that has too much tact and and I'll probably say things here that some of you aren't gonna like you know. And that's alright, that's all right you know. I've outlived my critics a long time ago and if you don't like it you know that that's really your problem it's not mine but I only say it out of love you know because of the total dedication I believe I have for this program and their sincere belief you know that this is a life-and-death situation you know you and I both know that everybody in this room tonight based on our past experiences has not finished drinking there are people in this room right now who are destined to drink again and that'll be their choice that'll me their choice lady over there's looking at me with daggers you you know, ready to shoot me, and I hope you don't have a gun. Lady, I didn't make those words up. Those words are in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not throwing a damper on your party. Quote book Alcoholic Anonymous, despite all that we can say, many who are real alcoholics by every form of self-deception and experimentation will try to prove themselves the exceptions to the rule. If some of us didn't return to drinking, it wouldn't be necessary in the book Alcoholics Anonymous to make reference to the fact that many of us participated in countless vain attempts to once more regain that control. Anybody who's an alcoholic, in my belief, that is going to try to drink again is making that attempt to become a normal drinker, a normal drinking man. And the sheer insidiousness about that is that how many of us could tolerate the conditions that surround normal drinking? Have you forgot how normal drinkers drink? I went to dinner with Vince tonight and I was watching some just at the next table Jesus, you're talking about frustration they get up and they go home and they leave half of a drink on the bar and they say their damnedest things no thanks I've had enough Two's it for me Let's eat In a way, it's good that we can sort of laugh at ourselves, you know But what I've told you is the absolute truth I haven't told you no lie Some of us are going to die Trying to become that Wow I get fanatic about that And that fanaticism gets me in a lot of trouble sometimes Let me tell you a little incident That happened not too long ago That was very embarrassing I love to drink Good God, I loved everything about it I wouldn't dare mix it with anything It was too precious to do that with And I loved the smell of it And the color of the bottles And the shape of the bottle And the stink in the saloon early in the morning When you're the first one in there And the joyous trickle of somebody spitting on the floor you know and it hurts a little bit that i don't drink i think of it at times but of course i've totally accepted the fact that it's not for me but fond memories abound with drinking so when i run into incidences sometimes i get a little sick I was coming back from Atlanta not too long ago I'd been there on an AA function for the weekend You know, I was on a big high having a hell of a lot of fun And then all of a sudden Sunday afternoon comes And the balloon bursts And you're back to normal And you go to the hotel and you sleep Sunday night And Monday morning you get up to take the plane back to reality And I got on the plane at ten after seven in the morning And I had to sit way back in the smoking section Because I got there late And I was sitting in the middle of the night And I sat in the aisle seat And pretty soon a great big guy came in He was from Texas He had one of them big belt buckles on, you know And he sat in by the window And he didn't say nothing to me except You know, like Well, the plane hadn't been up in the air five minutes And here comes Come Fly With Me, you know, down with her little cart And she says that one thing that nobody ever said to me when I was drinking Nobody in my life at ten minutes after seven in the morning ever said Would you care for a drink? It was usually, Christ, are you drinking this early? She said, would you care if we're drinking? I said, no thanks I said but I'd like some coffee with sugar so she started to fix it up then she sent a text and asked how about you would you like a drink and I just sort of listened you know and he says give me some coffee and sugar too huh then right away that sick perverted mind of mine you know went to work this guy's an alcoholic She had asked him if he wanted a drink And he had said, no, I'll take coffee Well, I wasn't going to come right out with it Some guys are a little touchy about their anonymity So I thought I'd play it cute And she handed me his cup to hand to him And I took it like that and I went Easy does it And he just sort of looked at me, you know And he dropped his lighter And I picked it up and I said, first things first And I'd forgotten I still had my name card on When I winked at him And it said San Francisco Jesus Christ And he just put his coffee down. He says, Y'all trying to tell me something? I said, shh. I said we're in the same club. He said, what in the hell club are you talking about? i says alcoholics anonymous well boy you talk about a moon shot this guy went straight up and he hit his head on that overhead bin there and at the top of his lungs god damn you all trying to tell me i'm an alcoholic and everybody in the plane turned around christ i wanted to die And I said, cool it Cool it What the hell makes you think I'm an alcoholic? I said you're drinking coffee He says I like coffee I said but she asked you If you wanted a drink He says I don't need a drink This early in the morning I said well that's because You're not an alcoholic So you should have one He said what in the hell Are you talking about? I said, I'm an alcoholic. I says, but I have to drink coffee because I can't drink. And he said, well, I want the coffee. I said. But you can have a drink because you're not an alcoholic I said if I wasn't an alcoholic I'd have a drank. I said Matt. He got the hell up and walked away from me, you know. And that's how sick I get sometimes. It's embarrassing as hell, you know And then often, you Know, I'm not going to Stand here and recite to you, as I said before A blow-by-blow description because There's really no need for that Where I've been and what happened As a result of my drink, it is important Perhaps only to me, you Know, it's something that I pray To God daily that I never forget And I totally accept the fact that I'm only one drink away from being back there, if I'm lucky. If I'm luck, I'll be back there. But a lot of people often ask today, they say, well, how come you don't drink anymore? And I imagine you get asked that a lot. Don't you drink anymore, wouldn't you like one? I have lunch almost on a daily basis at a round table in a nice restaurant In a little town called St. Helena And it's one of the places where a bunch of us just seem to eat there all the time And we have been for 15 years, you know And I'm the only member of AA at that table As a matter of fact, I'm not the only one As a result, I am the only person there who is not actively engaged in the wine business Most of these guys are vintners, tasters, or some facet of the wine industry. And once in a while they'll have a guest come in who sits down at the table with us, some guy from France or someplace like that. And inevitably, as these guys usually bring their own bottles, you know, they call it corkage, and they can bring their own private blends, and then they pour it out and all that. And it becomes very noticeable, of course, that I'm not drinking there. And usually the strangers ask that. They say, aren't you drinking? And I say no. And they say, why? Why? Oh, I usually parry that off with some silly thing. Well, I'm going to the dentist this afternoon or I forgot my bottle or some crap like that. And then there are times when I really wanted to tell them, you know. But because of my lack of education, I've always had a difficult time explaining, you know, why I don't drink anymore. And why I don't drinking anymore hasn't got anything to do with AA, to tell you the honest goodness truth. And it really doesn't have anything to deal with the fact that I accept that I'm an alcoholic. I know why I dont drink. I know that very definitely in my mind. And I even know how to explain it now where at one time before I couldn't explain it, you know. How I learned how to explain it came about in sort of an interesting way And it was ironic that it had something to do with beer About, I don't know, ten years ago, I guess this was I was in Stockton, California Now, Jesus, that's enough to make you drink right there, you know You ever been in Stockdon? That's like being in an empty paint can, you Know And I was there to participate in an AA activity that Saturday night It was the anniversary of AA in Stockton And let's face it, the most exciting thing you can do in Stocktown on a Saturday afternoon Is go through the work clothes department of J.C. Penney So I was holed up in the motel watching one of them Saturday afternoon classics Uh, Shirley Temple makes it with Godzilla or some crap like that When all of a sudden a commercial came on And I know most of you in this room have seen this commercial It was filmed because I researched it Because it made such an impact on me In San Francisco Bay And it was filmed on one of them nice days That we occasionally have up there in October or late September And all the little sailing boats were out on the bay Looked like a bunch of little butterflies flitting around out there And the sun was down ricocheting off the bridge Just a fantastic sight And they zoomed in with the camera on one of these sailing schooners And it showed a bunch o' young lads running around the deck Of this 26-footer, 32-footter And they had cut-off blue jeans on And funny little hats and weird T-shirts And they were swinging on the lines And dropping into the bay and diving off the yard arms, just jackass-ing around having a big old time, you know. And then the punchline for the commercial came on. And it said, You only go around once. Grab all of the gusto you can. And I didn't know what the hell gusto meant. And I went out to the desk, and I asked the guy at the desk if he had a dictionary. And he gave me a dictionary, andI looked up the word gusto. and it says are you laying a nag or what the hell it said gusto slang expression for living you only go around once grab all of the living you can and then I saw and I knew why I no longer drink why I no longer put needles in my arm funny stuff up my nose and smoke brown wrapped cigarettes and throw them pocket rockets into my mouth I know now why I don't do that you see outside these walls here outside that door well in here for that matter is the most important experience that you and I will ever witness it's a thing called life L-I-F-E And there's a lot of rules about life The one we have to keep foremost in our mind Is that we're only going to get one shot at it One time through, that's all you get And life isn't a VCR where you can put it on rewind or pause Or go slow or hold or any of that crap From the moment life starts There's some cold facts that you've got to be aware of. From the minute it starts, it begins to get shorter. Each unit of time that goes by is a part of our life that is over, done, finished. When we leave here in a few more minutes, those of you who came in here at 730, you will be two and a half hours closer to the end of your life than you were when you came in here. That's right. Now I don't know about you but I can only speak for myself and man, I'm a greedy son of a bitch because I want all of that life. Man, I want as much of it as I can get. I want to go every place there is to go. I wantto see everything there is ta see. I wantta read everything there is t read, hear everything there is te hear. I want it all! Now, there's nothing wrong with that as long as I can accept the fact that I'm not gonna get it all. but i know this very important thing based on my own experiences and based on the sharing of your experiences with me that i'm going to get more of that life clean and sober than i ever got with needles and booze i know that i have already been the other way and i come up with a big empty hand came up with a box full of nothing and now i want it all now i want it on and you set forth in sort of a doctrine called 12 steps you set force the thing that i was looking for all of my life and never knew where to find it i had to fill out a some kind of a form here some years ago and i came to that spot where it said religion and i automatically started to write down catholic because that's what it says on my baptismal certificate i haven't been inside of a catholic church or any church for 30 years other than a funeral or a wedding or an aa meeting now i'm neither ashamed of that or proud of that that's just how it is and i felt sort of uh stupid word, writing down Catholic. So instead I wrote down N.A., non-applicable. But then I got to thinking, Jesus, I want to be something. You know? I don't want to be non- applicable. So I went around for about the next two years in AA, exploring all facets of religion, searching for a God that I could understand, searching for a purpose, if you may. And I came up empty-handed. I just couldn't understand. One night I came home rather late from a meeting, and as is a custom, I turned on the TV to watch the TV for a few moments, maybe get drowsy and fall asleep. And one of them old classics that usually comes on about 2.30 in the morning was on with Elisa Landy and Frederick March. I believe it was entitled The Sign of the Cross or something like that, but it was about the Roman Empire and the Colosseum and feeding these people to the lions. And in one of the scenes, whoever was supposed to have been Caesar or somebody, he made this big stand and he says, Send the Christians to the Lions. Christians. I'd heard that word all my life Christians and it's a nice word sounds nice Christian you know as what the hell churches to Christians you know and I couldn't find any so I went and I looked it up in the dictionary you know what the definition of the word Christian is good and decent a Christian is a good and decent person. That's all I ever wanted to be, that's all I ever want it to be good and decent and I tried to do that with all of that other mood-altering crap and I came up bad and then all of a sudden you set forth this doctrine these 12 suggested steps of recovery and if just for a minute you take step one and just push it aside. The next 11 could very well be called a code of conduct or how to be good and decent. Look at them steps tonight before you retire and say to yourself, would I like to know somebody who subscribed to this theory? Would But I'd like to know somebody who lived like this." And then you'll know why we try to practice these principles in all of our affairs. I'm convinced that if I can accept those concepts, those steps, if I as you can make just a daily attempt and that's all it's ever asked me to do, to practice those principles in all of my affairs, an asshole like me, a scumhead like me can at least relegate myself to some level of decency. And I found something out very strange. I found out that as I began to become decent, I began to like myself. And that is very important to egotistical people like you and I, to like ourselves. And then I discovered something amazing, that once I started to like myself, I had no desire to change myself. And because I had no desire to change myself, I had no need for agents that are used to affect a change in myself. Otherwise booze, dope didn't want to change and one day at a time I became strong enough to accept that change and if I was to offer anything here to anybody who was new in here it would be the results that I have seen in that change all over these United States all over the world I have been extremely extremely fortunate you know in my experience because I've been allowed to participate you know in in AA activities in every state in the United States. And that's no big deal because there are others who have done that, and in foreign countries. And I know a lot of people in AA, and I've been to a lot meetings in AA. And in 34 odd years, I guess I've went to 7,000 meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I think I've heard just about everything you could hear in AA! I don't think we could discuss the steps or the concepts or the traditions or anything else in here where I wouldn't recall a similar discussion. I don't really think that anybody's story could be that unique, that I wouldn�t recall something similar somewhere in the back. With your understanding and my understanding that I fully realize that I will always be in a continuing state of learning, right now I believe I've heard everything you could hear in AA except one thing. And the thing that I have never heard in AA, to me, has been far more important than anything I have heard. Now, I want to repeat that so none of you have it mixed up what I just said. What I have not heard in this program has been far more to me than just about everything I have heard. For you see, I've never heard a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, male or female, say that his or her life got worse when they stopped drinking. Have never heard that, and either have you. Either have you." Now, if you want to look at that a little bit closer, who's saying that? Who's saying, that when I stopped drinking it got better? They say there are one million of us now, one million sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. part of that million. So it's you who are saying that, people who look just like you. You are no different than any of the average members of Alcoholics Anonymous. So imagine if you can a hypothetical situation, that tonight I've brought with me the remainder of that one million and we got them out here in the parking lot right now. We're going to bring them in here one at a time, and we've asked them to answer only one question. Did your life get better or worse when you stopped drinking? Is there anyone in this room so sick, so self-centered, so full of denial that you could deny what the hell do you know you'd hear? You'd hear one million people just like you say that my life got better when I stopped drinking, a million. But recall what I said earlier. Despite all that we can say, some who are real alcoholics, by every form of self-deception and experimentation will try to prove themselves the exception, therefore there'll be that one in a million. And there's not a casino in Las Vegas, Reno, Tahoe, Atlantic City or Monte Carlo. There's not an insurance company in the world that would take out a million-to-one bet. Nobody covers a million-to-one bet, except the alcoholic. Thank you very much. The first 10-minute speaker is Matt F. My name is Matt Flynn, and I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Joe for asking me to participate at the meeting. I should thank Larry, too, for carrying the message. I'm delighted to be here. I'd like to remember something tonight, and that is that I don't think anything I'm going to say is very important, but I think the thing that is important to me as I see it is that you and I are present to one another, and that means a great deal to me. I've made a lot of friends in this group, and I continue to make friends week after week, and that really delights me. I learn an awful lot about myself by listening to you. I should tell you I drank a smidge, and it got to be a lot after a while. My dad was an alcoholic, and I got to observe his effort in trying to control and enjoy his drinking. He was kind of a case by himself. I have to share a little bit about it. I should mention, too, that he found Alcoholics Anonymous in 1946 and died a sober member of this fellowship in 1965. I was not to arrive here until 1968, three years after his death. But in that course of observing his behavior, I've always found myself trying to compare myself with him, what he did. He was periodic and he'd have long periods of sobriety, taper on and go into a binge that would last four to eight days, taper off, and during that four or eight days while it was drinking around the clock I have to tell you about my mother she's still alive 84 years old still plays golf three times a week drives from the desert house to the beach house depending on the weather quite a gal I realized too I have her genes it means I could live to that age that would leave me about 50 more years to go wouldn't it moving right along but mother trained us good we made the bottle runs and chased after dad all over town and I vowed that that wasn't going to happen to me I just was not going to scandalize my family the way that my dad did us and in retrospect now with hindsight 2020 vision I can say I did the same thing as my dad when I drank um I used to like to take trips and I'd take long trips and short trips sometimes I'd take a trip that would last a couple of days and other times I'd take a ship that lasts only a day and a half or something like that it was always rather embarrassing get home for dinner a day and a halftime late never allowed me to make a lot of points with the spouse at that time and worked hard I wrecked that marriage I can tell you that. But I should have known, as I've heard from others, that I was allergic to alcohol because when I drank, I broke out in spots like Las Vegas and San Francisco and Portland, Atlantic City. And my job allowed it in the sense that they gave me some of that fantastic plastic money, and I had no sense whatsoever after the first drink. It was kind of a crapshoot. I could take a drink and could not predict what was going to happen. Sometimes I would behave. I could count those occasions on the fingers of one hand, and other times I was off and running. Needless to say, there was going to be something that was going to have to be paid for that. And I didn't realize it until I got so terribly, terribly sick and so terribly ashamed of myself and so ridden with guilt, I couldn't do anything else but just sit around and mope. I got to a point of just not being able to function at all out at the Los Angeles International Airport after one of my trips. And I called the wife at that time to report home and thought she would be very pleased. And she told me that I was no longer welcome at that house. I felt a little disappointed so I started to cry she gave me an out she said call your Uncle Pete I think every family ought to have an Uncle Pete at that time Uncle Pete was 17 year sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I called him he caught on right away knew what my problem was and said, could I drive my automobile? And I told him I couldn't, that I had lost the ability to drive. And he came down and picked me up and introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous on November 17, 1968. And I really wasn't capable of doing anything. And I marvel at it today. I would certainly not recommend to newcomers doing what I did. That is, I just showed up to meetings and didn't do anything. I didn't even show up to meetings I was taken to meetings it was really easy for me I have to confess to that because I know there's an awful lot of people who struggle in this program and my heart goes out to you I was just so sick I didn' t have any place else to go in a real sense and it was friends like yourself that came up and stuck out your mitt and said hi Matt welcome aboard let's give it a try let's go here let's do this this, let's do that. And I fell in love with, in essence, the personalities of Alcoholics Anonymous. My God, we had a lot of them where I was getting sober, just a lot of colorful personalities. And I wasn't prepared for that, but I was going to an awful lot of meetings to see these happy fellows and gals. And what we lacked as far as the area was concerned personalities why we would import them once in a while and bring them up from Venice and Laguna Beach and they entertained me too and I loved it the other thing I wasn't prepared for was that I was attracted to the personalities enough to where they made the principles look attractive and before I knew it I was seduced into attempting the 12 suggested steps of recovery the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and that trip has taken me from that point to this in a real sense I have never been a good student although I consider myself a student of the program I am very dependent upon the people of Alcoholic Synonymous you and people like yourself and rooms like this to tell me what you did, how you did it. And from that I can take the lead. I like to close by saying that I have four lamps of thanksgiving burning before me today. The first lamp is that you and I were born out of the same earth and for that I am grateful. The second lamp of thanksgiving is that I have tried to love everything in the universe as a remote preparation for loving you. And for that, I am grateful. The third is that I have not tried to chase false philosophies. I've tried to stick to the program. And some of us know here how that prepares a person for the true love of Alcoholics Anonymous. And for That, I Am Grateful, too. The fourth lamp of thanksgiving burning before me is that my previous existence has led me to you. And for THAT, I AM GRATEFUL. Thank you. Our second ten-minute speaker is Jean M. Hello, my name is Jean Mason and I'm an alcoholic Hi, Jean Hi Ooh, I'm nervous Thanks I liked it better when all the people that are behind me now were in front at least i could tell what they were thinking i have been in this group almost eight years and um this is the only group i've ever belonged to and this is where i came when my life was over and i fully expected it to remain over i just wanted the pain to go away and um listening to matt's talk i've got to tell you he really said at all a such a wonderful place but just to qualify briefly i drank for 20 years i come from a long line of people who drank as long as they possibly could and my father's side we can go back six generations and pick them out and my mother's family of five boys four of them were alcoholics three of them grew up to adulthood one of them died of alcoholism at the age of 19 my mother's family, we can go back two generations she's got some very strange uncles I used to think they were just lunatics until I found out they were alcoholics and now they're lunatic alcoholics so I suppose I sort of came by this naturally like Matt, my father was the alcoholic in our family and like Matt's family my mother, the ever sturdy almost Al-Anon is still playing golf three times a week at the age of 74, and it's hard to get rid of a good Al-Anon, I suppose. Anyway, pardon me, ladies. And I grew up in a home where my father was a periodic and would work real hard and then take a couple weeks off and get pleasantly soused and stay that way. And he didn't go out in public and embarrass us or anything. He sort of sat in the living room and passed out a lot and threw up on his shirt and it was just wonderful he had he didn't hit anybody or yell at anybody actually when he drank he was a lot nicer than he was when he wasn't drinking because i don't think he was nearly as tense and so growing up i was always pretty tense i grew up in a home where you walked on eggshells all the time in your typical alcoholic home where you don't trust anybody you don'T talk to anybody you DON'T tell the neighbors and you pretend like it's not happening so i was pretty tense all the TIME as were all my brothers and sisters and my dad looked pretty relaxed when he drank. So as soon as I could get a hold of something to drink, I began drinking and it was the answer for me. It was the answer for until I was 34 years old and it worked for me until I was 33 years old every time. And then it just stopped working. I got very sick and no matter how much I drank, the feelings didn't go away. I was always afraid. I was always full of anxiety. I was paranoid. I knew that life had meaning for everyone but me. And by the time I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, although I had not had a drink for about three months nothing in my life had changed at all and except for that i was physically feeling better and i thought well i'll just go where all the other people go who suffer in silence because um i knew i would die if i kept drinking and so i didn't know any other way not to feel the way i felt i was afraid to walk out the front door i was scared to go on a job interview and i just knew that nobody liked me and truly in the end i didnít have any friends and surely no one liked me i was really a mess but alcohol when i came here everybody looked healthy which surprised me and fairly happy most of the time and even after i got to know everyone on bad days they still um were not desperate as much as i had always felt desperate since i was about three years old which is as far back as i can remember i always knew something terrible was going to happen and it usually did so you know and that until i left home something terrible always happened in our home and I'm and really even today I sometimes catch myself waiting for the other shoe to fall when there's no reason for that to happen but coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and learning what the steps meant and immediately getting a sponsor who had already worked the steps saved my life and it was that simple if you're new tonight that's all you have to do I didn't know anything about what would go on here although my father had been an AA since I was, uh, since I started drinking actually now that I think about it, since I was about 14. Um, but we, he didn't talk about this in our house. We still weren't talking about drinking to understand. I think we were still pretending like nobody had a drinking problem. So I didn't learn anything about AA either. And when I came here, I didn't know what to expect and all I did was follow the person in front of me and do what my sponsor said. And as I say, um, on the 9th of August, I will have been here eight years and that's the date I celebrate as my sobriety date, not the day I quit drinking because it was the day that my new life began and my sponsor suggested I take that as a sobriety date it means so much to me today I can't begin to tell you I've gotten over the first year resentment when everybody who got sober in April took cakes and I sat there till August you know I thought how could they do this to me it seems so important at the time those extra months and I look back now and realize those extra month's really had nothing to do with my life at all as a matter of fact I was I just got back from a trip I was in Washington DC this week and i had lunch with an ex-brother-in-law of mine we used to drink together he stopped drinking a year before i did we drank a lot alike and we drank a lot together and so and my sister to whom he was married at the time and an ex husband of mine that i was married to at the time we were a real foursome and anyway he quit drinking and he never went to aa i think he went to one or two meetings and that was it and he has still not gone to aa and he looked at me across the lunch table. He said, so are you still going to AA? And I said, yep, I sure am. It's become my way of life. And I told him just a few little things knowing that he hasn't gone. And he said, well, you know, he said I was a periodic and I went to a few meetings, but I just never felt the urge that I had to do that. Maybe it's because I didn't drink all the time. And I said fine. I said you know probably half the people in AA are periodics, but that's I'm glad you have this good life. Now I know what his life is like. He has a good job and things like that, but this poor man I would not want his emotions for anything in the world I looked at him across that table and I saw exactly how I felt and how I knew he felt when he and I were drinking together nine years ago there was not a bit of difference he was still rigid and uptight and frightened even the way he sat kind of slumped over in the body language and I was feeling very good that day like I do most days and I realized the tremendous difference was Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor always says that when she gives a talk, I want to talk about what's happening to me now. And so I would like to just mention something new that I've been doing the last year or so. And that is because I come from a home full of alcoholics and an alcoholic lifestyle growing up, I found another 12-step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. And I have learned that the 12 steps for recovery work. they work for whatever your specific problem is they certainly worked for me in Alcoholics Anonymous and hopefully this will remain my priority all of my life, one day at a time I love AlcoholicsAnonymous what I've learned in ACA is that it was okay to have those feelings and talk about them that it's okay to say where they came from and to take responsibility for feeling better today that it is not shameful to talk about a bad home or bad parents or bad times and that you don't have to hide it anymore, at least I don't. And that has been another great relief to me, to be able to admit I'm an alcoholic and to beable to admit that I've had a lot of problems related to growing up in that environment have allowed me to become a free person again. And my life today is not one hundredth of what it was like when I came here. If you're real new, you probably look at people who've been here a while and think, oh, well, they just say that because that's what I did. and I couldn't even imagine somebody who'd been here eight years that they'd ever had any problems and I still have a lot of problems today however, today I know my problems won't last eight years ago the smallest problem was the largest problem and I knew it would be there forever I knew there were never going to be any answers and today I know I have choices I have wonderful choices in my life I can choose to feel good or feel bad or talk about it, not talk about It I can chose to be a friend and be kind or to isolate myself and I can choice to have a much better life I can choose to be a good wife and mother if I want to I've been married three times and this is the best marriage I've ever had I don't know whether it will last forever but it's certainly the best relationship I've never had and that's a direct result of learning about relationships here and it's staying good, I think, learning about myself more in the ACA program and I'm just blessed that Alcoholics Anonymous has spawned this other program for me just like OA for other people we pitch here so if you're new you'll stay and you'll join us in this adventure and that's what I really like to say I sponsor wonderful women that keep me here and the fellowship keeps me here and I love my friends here I can't imagine any place else to be on a Wednesday night even when we bitch and moan oh, we have to be here tonight the minute I'm here I love it and I'm just grateful to all of you for being here if it weren't for you I'd probably be dead today there's no doubt about it and I'd much rather be in this life than be anywhere thank you very much We define sobriety as 365 days free from alcohol, pills, pot, anything that affects you from the neck up. If you're going to celebrate a birthday, please see me or my assistant Julie at the door and we'll be happy to have a cake for you. Tonight our first birthday is for one year for Jillian V. Hi, I'm Jillian and I'm an alcoholic I'd like to thank Rita for that cake And for a wonderful year of sponsorship I'd also like to say I'd love to thank my higher power As I understand it I'd want to thank Jack L For introducing me to this group And I'd to thank Clancy For the structure of this group And all of you Thank you very much Happy birthday, Jillian Our next birthday is also for one year For Mary Kay Hi, my name's Mary I'm an alcoholic I want to thank Lynn My sponsor for that cake And all of her love and sponsorship Throughout the year I wantto thank my higher power For getting here And for keeping me sober And for all the love and understanding That I've gotten from Alcoholics Anonymous As a whole It's great to be sober It's the first time I've ever had sobriety In 22 years And I love it And it's due to this program and all that I've been given here. Thank you. Happy birthday, Mary. Our next birthday is for two years for Teresa D. Hi, I'm Teresa. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Teresa. Yes, I'd like to first thank my higher power and thank Patricia for that cake and her sponsorship for this past year. I'd also like to thank our women's alcohol softball team and our coaches, Lake Street Blues and Don Berry for finance class, the class of 1984, and all of you. Thank you. Happy birthday, Teresa. Our next birthday is for four years for Betty R. My name is Betty Reeves. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Betty! I want to thank God, Millie, my sponsor, and for giving me my cake. I'd like to thank my husband, Ron, for being so supportive. I'd also like to I'd love to thank Clancy for this group. I'm very grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Newcomers keep coming back. It works. Happy birthday, Betty. Our next birthday is for nine years for Julia Kay. Hi, I'm Julia, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Julia. Let's see. I want to thank Jean for her excellent guidance over the last excellent months. There haven't been excellent months, but there's been excellent guidance. Anyway, had I taken it, no, I would have, no. Anyway, when I met her, I was really fed up with the person that was running my life, me. And I was willing to turn it all over to her, and I'm really glad that I did. Between her and I and God, my life is running much better, and all the areas of my life are improving. and I'm really glad that my sobriety was bad enough that I felt that I needed to come to the Pacific Group no, really and I want to also thank all of you beer ten times better than drinking ever was happy birthday Julia our next birthday is for 10 years for Frank s I am Frank alcoholic and used a lot of drugs in the process I want to thank God for getting me here in my you know my first days they came through Pacific group I want to thank my previous sponsors, Keith Carpenter, Chuck Nesbitt, and Paul Coleman. I want to thank the Pacific Group. I wanna thank Clancy for setting a good example and being a good role model to me. And this last year, I really want to thank some of my friends because I went through a lot of changes, you know? And without you people and without Paul and Danny My wife, who I've been married to 20 years and love dearly, I don't think I would have got through it. It's really been one hell of a trial and tribulation. And I'm thankful to be here, but it's all through you guys. Thank you. Love you. Happy birthday, Frank. Our next birthday is for 12 years for Cecil B. Hi, I'm Cecil, an alcoholic. Hi, Rachel. I'd like to thank Claude for giving me that cake and being my sponsor and for all of his help. I'd also like to say thank you to my wife, Rachel, and I'd love to thank God for getting me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd just like to think my previous sponsors, Tony B., Clint H., and Clancy I. I'd to thank the Class of 74 and my good friends Matt J. and Joe S. for being there for me all the time and all of you. I don't have to drink anymore and I really appreciate it. Thank you. Happy birthday, Cecil. Our next birthday is for 17 years for John F. My name is John Flynn. I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Harvey for giving me that cake and being my sponsor. He tells me the truth like a surgeon. You know, he's good. He's there. He's here when I need him and he helped me a lot this year. I want to thank you people for saving my life and I'm glad I didn't run away. Thank you. Happy birthday, John. That's all the birthdays.