The Agnostic Who Fought the Concept of a Higher Power Tooth and Nail – James L.

About This Speaker Tape

A street corner in the dead of summer. James L. is a drug dealer in gold chains and a cool car, watching his own mother—a schizophrenic alcoholic—push a cart down the block in a Sunday hat. He slips around the corner to avoid being associated with her, a "piece of crap" denying the woman who carted him for ten months.

James describes a life of "setting stages," using manipulation as a game to dodge the wreckage of his choices. He lived in collision with every human being he met, from the bourbon-fueled suspicion at the bar to the lies told to his boss. He speaks of the "duh" moment of conviction, moving from the agnostic's defiance to a Higher Power through a sponsor who taught him that a moral inventory is simply a search for truth. He recounts the agony of his wife finding his fourth step hidden in a shoebox under a spare tire, and the grueling process of getting "butt naked on a spiritual level" to stop playing God.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 The laundry detergent illustration: the difference between belief and faith.
• 3:15 Discussion of being an agnostic and the defiance regarding the Third Step.
• 6:20 Laughter: James L. describes his transition from 'fun-loving' to 'suspicious' after three bourbons.
• 10:10 The 'game' of manipulation: cleaning the house to avoid the consequences of a bender.
• 15:30 The dynamic between James L. and his sponsor, John S., and their different cultural backgrounds.
• 18:45 Step 4: The process of chronological inventory and the 'cause and condition' method.
• 22:10 The heartbreaking scene of denying his mother on the street corner.
• 26:40 Step 5: The fear of his wife finding his inventory in a shoebox under the spare tire.
• 31:15 The result of the work: gaining a 'half a backbone' and the ability to be honest.
• 35:20 Dealing with a diabetes diagnosis through the lens of the steps.