The Agnostic Who Fought the Concept of a Higher Power Tooth and Nail – James L.

I'd like to introduce our guest speaker for the month, James L., speaking on 3, 4, and 5. James L. from Dover. Good evening, everybody. I'm a grateful drunk, and my name is James. Because of the grace of God, good sponsorship, people like yourself. I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink or drug, any mind off the chemicals since June 11th of 1994. And for that, I'm eternally grateful. And over the years, the lessons that I learned, I can't take a bit of credit. You know, tonight, I was supposed to share on three, four, and five. I believe I left off with talking about the difference between belief and faith. i taught i used an illustration that i learned listening to joe and charlie one day and we was talking about laundry detergent and for those who might not heard what i said last week i was talking about how you sit down there and you look at a tv and it's a tide ultra bleach alternative to get your whites white is white you're sitting on the couch you don't know if it'll work or not so you get up, you go to the nearest store you purchase it, you bring it home you try the product it comes out like you expected so the second time that you go to the store is you're going because you think it works or you're gone because you know it works I kind of think that that's about the best way for me to introduce how the third step happened for me because see I was one of those people that you read about and we the agnostic that had a fundamental idea of God before I even got here. Naturally, as I said last week when I was talking a little bit about what it was like for me, is being of African American descent, the church was one of the safest places I had to go. I never had a problem with the church and I still don't. And I'm not here to introduce you to any of that. You may hear some of it in my experience, but as far as my opinion, that's my opinion. And I'll try to keep that to myself. Don't bank on it, but I'll trying to keep that to myself. When getting to AA this last time, learning a bit about what an agnostic was helped clear up why I was so defiant about turning my will and my life over to the care of God has understood them. Because, see, if you were anything like I was, which was self-centered, you probably was watching a man standing behind a podium and he was saying things like, you need to look like I look, walk like I walk, talk like I talk, and if you do this and that, you're going to die and go to hell. And you probably sat there and go, hmm, I can't do that. You know, I like this too much, you know. And then you would find yourself weeding away from something that you would see a large number of people flocking to while you're going the other way. And then você ia se perguntar por que você não podia sentir como eles sentiam. E nós fomos dito isso na nossa literatura. Como nós olhávamos os homens de fé, judged them you know what I mean fought them tooth and nail not to even give ear to the concept or the idea of a power greater than me because it was always easier for me to always assume that if I did that then what happens to the things I like you see because I was told I couldn't have more than one woman I was said I was sold that I shouldn't do the thing before marriage and all that kind of stuff. I didn't like the sound of that stuff, and I believe that I'm talking to people who I assume may be adult enough to understand that issue. That was one of many because if I don't tell you this, you won't understand the importance of why I had to make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself because, see, I can't stand here in front of you and portray myself as pure as the driven snow because it ain't the truth. My third step came about and it started where it says being convinced that you're now at step three. Now, if you're anything like I am, you probably looked at the steps on the wall and understood what that meant. that now I'm at this point where I've got to turn my will and my life over to God. And prior to that, I had just finished my second step reading that said, A, you're an alcoholic and you cannot manage your own life. Have I come to believe that yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. That' s me. Then it says probably no human power could relieve me of my alcoholism. kind of look back remember the teary-eyed women in my life crying that i don't go out again tonight and do what i did again i remember loved ones telling me every time that you drink this and that will happen and just like it says more about alcoholism i was the guy that didn't want to believe that but around the fifth or sixth drink there i was banging on the bar saying to myself how could this have happened to me again you know found myself in the last part where it said god could and would. I like the original manuscript, God can and will. For some apparent reason, that one worked for me. The could and wood was nice, but I liked the original manuscript because I always liked that factual speech, you know, like can and wil. So okay, good. So now I got a valid reason now in my mind. I ain't did nothing yet, but in my mind I'm thinking if he can and will then i should be convinced before i realized that anything ran on self-will could hardly be a success now if you anything like i am and you read that next phrase that said anytime that i james was driven by self-propulsion i was either in collision with something or someone else remember what i told you there i was in a place talking about believing in the power and why everybody else was going this way. I was going opposite. I was in collision with what Dr. Siltworth called moral psychology. I was in collusion with a concept of a power. I wasn't in collision with anybody telling me anything based on ethics, morals and just basic decency and courtesy for the next human being. While everybody was going this way, me and a few like me was going that way. And no wonder I was banging into everything i mean even the law i ran into collision with loved ones i ran in collision with friends i ran a collision with let me tell you what kind of drinker i was towards the end i was the type of guy we could be the best of buddies i would go into a bar with you and buy my first bourbon i'm a fun loving joke telling ha ha ha type of person by the second bourbon and I became suspicious. I guess y'all relate to that. And now I'm kind of like, by the third one, I'm looking at you saying, what did you say to me? And now you're no longer really that close to me anymore. And we went in the bar, shoulder to shoulder. I'm going to try to go right to it. I don't have a lot of time to go paragraph to paragraph, sentence to sentence. But those who are familiar with the books and those who ain't, if you go back and look later, you'll see what I'm talking about, if You choose to. And the reason I say that is because in the original manuscript it says, If you ain't convinced, duh. And see, the reason why I like to emphasize the duh, because a lot times people sit in meetings and they like to hear recovery, but they don't like to hear recovered. In spiritual experiences, it talked about being able to tap into an inner resource. If I had done my second step the way my sponsor had outlined it for me, by this point, I have an idea of what he's talking about because when I got the illustration of the preacher's son who wanted to emulate his father but yet could not stand on the same footing but yet when he finally found the power he said though he'd been tempted a few times he still didn't drink i guess he must have found something he could tap into also by the time you get to the end of we um spiritual experience it talks about you know contempt prior to investigation I'm at that point now Because in We the agnostic It said that I would not give myself over To reasonable approach Or interpretation Meaning that there I was Sitting in my own My own stuff Having my own ideas Like it says Trying to hold on To my old ideas That these concepts These principles These values These things That I had took on In my makeup Were keeping me alive Most alcoholics know, if you're anything like I am, that I don't talk bad about alcohol because alcohol saved my life. And I want to come into the meeting and I want practice scare tactics with you and say, Alcohol! You know, it don't make sense to me because I've heard it said and I also believe it that if it wasn't for alcohol, I'd have blew my brains out. And the reason is, is because just like it says between page 62 and 64, I was setting stages. I would wake up in the morning. Let me give you a scenario. I promised her Thursday I would come straight home from work on Friday. I failed to do that. She let me in Saturday night. She's mad at me. And I would not go to prayer, but I would go to bed. Stay with me. And the truth was, as I laid my head on the pillow, I was putting the play together. I knew she was hurt and she was angry. So I would wake up before her and go in the kitchen and wash dishes, mop the floor, vacuum, straighten up, get the kids together. Then I would approach her in her gender and in mine and approach her, you know, honey, baby, I'll make it all right. And I would try to not be confronted with what I knew was wrong. Step three helped to open that up Because it told me that Selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of my trouble I had stepped on the toes of my fellows And they seemingly hurt me Without provocation In my mind Cause see prior to this point I had learned something As it says in the preceding chapters I had learned something about alcoholism, so I know I was walking around in illusions, delusions, mental blank spots, strange peculiar mental twists. I was full flight from reality, maladjusted to life, and you can add to my list, ad formatum. So I got this idea in my mind of how I'm going to make this thing unfold. When you look at page 62 up to 64 where it says we're now going to get down to cause and condition, The reason that I believe right now That the room is somber Because if The story that I'm emulating Or telling you about Probably have you in a subconscious state Where you set stages And played the game The psychoanalysts like to call it Manipulation We call it The game And I would do that Drunk Or sober I gave you a drunken episode Now, let me give you a sober episode. Remember that Sunday when I woke up early and cleaned the house and everything? My head hurts a bit. So I called to work Monday. Boss, really sick. I don't think I'm going to be able to come in today. And the reason I don'T want to go in Monday is because Thursday I had borrowed about $50, $60 from people. and I don't want to pay them because I'm broke. So, I show up Tuesday. I go to bed Monday night putting my play together. Now, y'all don't want to get honest with me. Y'all hear what I'm saying? Come on, get honest. Get honest with you. So, I'm going to bed putting my plays together. So, I go in Tuesday. How do I know I did that? Remember this story? Certain guy owned an automobile agency showed up to work on Tuesday had a few words with the boss not nothing too big you know and then he wanted to go down to the restaurant to see if we could sell a car and eat a sandwich I would find myself in that same episode now I showed up that Tuesday and the guys were waiting for their money and they said where's my money I already got my play in my head I said oh man that's why I wasn't in yesterday man you know man I was running mad fried when I got off of work man and I paint the story for them. And that type of life just continued to go on and on and on. And, that was the toes of the people I was stepping on. I was walking around, living in my own lie, telling a lie, trying to live a lie and just a plain lie. So now, I'm in the big book and my sponsors got me looking at me being what they call selfish like i'm just running my whole life about me drunk or sober so i can relate to why bill said that alcohol was only but a symptom it only played a very small part in the way i behaved anyway because what it was is that I was still, I might have been sober up to a certain point now while I'm looking at step three, but I still can reflect back to the kind of life I was living up to this point. And now I'm making a decision to turn this new life over to the care of God as I understand them, but I'm afraid. So I'm told that I suffer from a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. And I don't want to believe none of this stuff And then I find out a little later on And the third step prayer Is like I told y'all Now here's the difference between me and some Not saying that I'm different than other people But I love the fact That Bill was loving Both ways Some people need To have a sponsor Kneel down at the bed with them And open up two big books And say the third Step prayer together i didn't need that in a sense because see i had a prayer that came with my belief system that was similar to the look to the third step prayer so it wasn't that this third step prayer was insignificant the way that it breaks it down is very important if i see god as my father if i seek god as my principal and i'm just an agent of his that i see that That the life that I'm living needs to be put in his hands. I understand that concept. But where Bill saved James at with his writings was when he said, It is better for one to go to God alone than to go with someone who don't understand. How do you explain doing the third step prayer with me and all of a sudden I jump up off my knees and go into a dance and start praising the Lord right in the middle of your prayer? you would say I don't understand or if I happen to fall off in a foreign tongue based on my religious practice you wouldn't know if I'm for real or not so I had I was stuck between a rock and a hard place why? because here I was a young African American male practicing a Christian Judeo practice and my sponsor was half Irish and half Jewish We are people who would not normally mix But what we have found Is indescribably wonderful He was the only man From a practical standpoint In my entire lifetime that can speak to me in truth. And though I wanted to strangle his little butt, I had to take it in. Though I did not want to call him, I thought of him. And I remember when I felt that born again feeling as it mentions it in the big book. Not the born again based on my religious practice, but the born-again from a practical viewpoint where I knew for the first time in my life I had to stop playing God or it was going to kill me, and I couldn't do it outside of his aid. Because I had an M.O. in my past. I would stand in front of somebody in an argument. You could be 8'9", 500 pounds, and a man, you know, ticked me off. I had this little motto I lived by. If you say one more thing to me, I'm going to punch you dead in your mouth. Win or lose. Boop. And I paid a heavy price for that, both drunk and sober. That's why me and this lawyer Working on this expungement thing now And so So now The third step Is affecting me And I'm home alone that day And I go back over the paragraph And sure enough I went to God alone that Day And I remember I was cleaning the apartment And I'm like, like I'm on crack. I'm wired. I mean, like the book, like at this point, the book had opened up to me in such a way that I needed to tell somebody. Because see, in my belief system, that's how it is. You know, like our preachers used to say, slap the person next to you, you know what I mean? That's how I felt. You know? It wasn't nobody to slap, you Know? So I ran to the phone And I called my sponsor And I said, I think I got it And John was real practical So John said to me, what did you get? That's what he did He said, what Did you get I said I got It John He said what did You get I said my will is my thinking And my life is the way that I live And I think that I made the decision No longer to live the way I always lived and John said get a piece of paper and a pencil and let's get down to cause and condition I thought he was going to say run with it for a while because that's what you hear people running around in AA meetings boy do the third step man I did my third step and it was wow and I'm thinking really so let's get down to cause and condition now I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet so how much of you are you willing to turn over to now if you unwilling at this point to get down the cause and condition then like Bill said you need to re-read the volume and if you still not convinced we so suggest that you throw it away I was convinced at this point I took that piece of paper And that pencil And John said Get something you can draw a straight line with And we had read up to the point To where Bill gives you the description Of the fourth step And he said You see how We were talking about it While I'm reading along Yeah You know Because you know how Us big book addicts are Yeah Right You know And I'm in it I'm really You know Don't It ain't funny But it's funny You know I'm feeling it You know what I mean I'm vibing now Because I'm excited I'm exciting at this point Now if anybody in here ever did the idea of a third step Or did it according to how the big book Has outlined it By this point you're convinced And if you don't understand What I mean by convinced Think of the person in your life Who's of the opposite sex that you got a relationship with And they said yes now we're a couple Are you convinced when they call on you do you act or do you kind of brush them off see i had a relationship at this point or i was introduced to a new relationship with my creator by this point and and and i could not just brush him off i was excited like i was going out you know girl hey hey and i was feeling that kind of excitement so i was willing to write now so i'm drawing these lines john said write four lines i write the four lines and john told me that the difference between my four step because he was the one that introduced me to the joe and charlie concept and he he did it in a similar fashion and he told me the only difference you're going to do now is you ain't going to write from left to right so you're gonna work from the top bottom and he said james i want you to do your four step as chronological as you possibly can remember. I said, oh yeah, I remember my first drink. He said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He said we want to go back to the first thing you were resentful about and if you was here last week I talked about my earliest recollation record I can't say the word to save my life my earliest remembrance of the worst thing that ever happened to me. Okay? Now, see, sometimes that southern accent won't allow me to tongue it off, you know. So I remember, like I said, my mother pulling on one side and grandma pulling on the other. And I was resentful about that because if you remember, I never really got to know my mother. So I Remember starting that list from way back then. And it started with the person that was closest to me. I was resentful with my mother for not winning that battle. And then he said, once you got that down, and I wrote a little memo underneath her name, Mary, I put Mama. And then I drew my line. Then I went over to cause. And he said that's where you're at. And I just wrote causes. He told me to write, put a number, write a cause, put another number, right? Write a cause. It's real simple. So what Bill did, no different than the book. And when I finished writing all the causes with Mama, I drew a line underneath that and went over to the effect, and he said, look at the first cause, write down the way that affected you. He said, remember, don't go add nothing to it. Just tell, write words of how you felt. Because John taught me how to put words to the way I was really feeling. Like, I would not be like somebody saying, James, what's the matter with you? Man, I'm mad. Mad? I really wanted to say, I am disturbed. But I did not say that because I always use words like, I am mad. Or I am angry. You know? So I had to find words and John said, well, you know, just put words. And I wrote words with the effect Went straight down until I was finished With the cause underlying Then I wrote down The role I played in it Then after I had finished Doing this inventory And I'm going to go back Before I go walking into five I want to tell y'all what happened And I am going to tell you why John kept it that simple for me I ain't knocking Nobody's method of how they do the four step I ainít here to debate that kind of stuff I ain't here to tell you, but I'll tell you to leave that Hazleton stuff alone. And you tell them James said it. Forgive me. Just in case anybody from Hazleton ever gets to... Just leave it alone. Just say no. Just don't use Hazleton and go to meetings. You know what I mean? Whatever you have to do, just don't do it. Because for me, because what it did to me is it made me become my own personal psychoanalyst. Did y'all hear me? I ain't got nothing against the medical fraternity, especially after what Dr. Siltworth did for me. But I want to tell you what happened to me with a psychoanalyzer. I was in California I was involved Involved with a psychoanalyst Psychiatrist Therapist And they were giving me this thing called biofeedback I was cuckoo for Cocoa Pus And the psychoan analyst Did something like this I started telling him a bit about myself And he looked at me And he said Oh, that's too bad, James. Oh, it must have been really, really hard on you. And if you're anything like I am, I went, yeah. And I walked out of that place blaming all those people in that chronological list that John so simply helped me to put on paper. Yeah. the man is trying to hold me down. And then the self-pity part was, I'm just a poor black man in a white man's world and I can't make it. Bad news. Psychoanalysts may work for some, but he almost killed me. So now I'm doing this four step and to kind of give you an idea how simple this four step was for me I'm going to give you a piece of it I don't care my mother ended up after her mind had snapped she ended up being an alcoholic and a schizophrenic I was a drug dealer and I would stand on the street corner wearing my gold chains driving my cool car Cool And then I would see this lady Turn in the corner About a block down the street Pushing a cart And it's dead summer She got on jeans With clothes underneath Maybe a sneaker and a shoe With a dress on top of it With a Sunday hat on With flowers in it With a bag in her hand And it was my mother and I would see her coming and I was slipping from around the corner just so I could not be associated to this scene and after she would bypass I would come back to the corner and get angry and I resented her for something that wasn't even her fault what was the cause she was an alcoholic she didn't care about what she behaved like she embarrassed me how was I affected my self esteem big time my personal relations my sexual relations was affected by my mother my social standing and what was the role I played I was a piece of crap that's all anybody part human I ain't even say whole human just anybody part human who I would have stopped and said you have to excuse my mother she's ill oh I'm sorry bro and had enough of a backbone to stand up straight and not deny my own mother. That's the truth before man and God. And I walked around for years when memories of my mother when I was a kid, when I used to run up to her and hug her and she would smell like, this is the picture that I always wanted my mother to always be in. My mother was an African American African female with golden skin. Her father was half Cherokee, lived in Amityville, Long Island. My mother had a skin complexion that just, I told the story before, my friends would nudge me. Man, your mama fine. And she had that jet black wavy hair and she would turn it up in that little ball and stick a pin in it. And when she would come down the street as a single mother raising four children by herself, She was such, such dignity she had. And there she was pushing this cart and drinking Thunderbird. Broke my heart. And I ain't never tell nobody. And there would be times I'd be sitting with my buddies and most of them would be drinking because they're having a good time. I'm looking at the bottom of the glass for answers. How can I live under these conditions? that's how my life just kept going I had other things in my story that was similar to that so now I don't want to move up too fast by this time I start running through the steps so I have to slow it down a little bit and this is why I like what Bill does and how it works because by this point now Bill is telling me towards the end of how it worked Bill is saying you looked at your grosser handicaps I hope y'all heard about some of my handicaps Y'all can see I think I'm cute So you can imagine how badly My mother must have affected me You know And how bad this thing must have bothered me For years and years in and years out And so here I am At this juncture of the game Doing this four step And I had looked at some of My grosser handicaps I had took some big chunks Of truth about myself but like Bill says in the beginning of Interaction, I only thought I got rid of my egotism and fear I only thought that I had humbled myself because by this point all I had done was just simply write down a story or a life that I already lived and thought I had already done a big deal now here's the delusion behind that I'm busy running around in AA feeling good about something that I have done? How many times have I sat in meetings and heard myself and other newcomers say, I just finished my fourth step. And? What do you mean? I go, okay. You don't understand it was hard. Why? You know, I had to look at myself with one eye. Because that's all that the four-step does for you when you do it on paper. The only one who knows about this truth is me. And I knew about that truth way before I put it on people. But I'm sitting in the meeting because the psychoanalyst and some people with the H had me thinking that because I did a self-appraisal of myself that I had accomplished something. See, a moral inventory... How many times have you sat in meetings and heard this? Every time you hear the word moral, it always was related to like God, ethics, values, principles. And, you know, I always had a misdefinition of the words so I never really understood what I was really doing. Until I sat with John, and John told me the word moral meant truth. So the reason that I was putting this stuff down is because I was searching for the truth. I didn't know the truth, but I was now at this point, because of step three, I was willing to look at it. My life had been turned over to a God of my understanding, and I had became willing enough at this point to even take a chance to try to find out the truth but I'm only half way done because Bill says to you at Interaction you only thought that you got rid of your egotism and fear you only THOUGHT you humbled yourself now I don't know about y'all but my sponsor told me pay attention to the squiggly words and Bill wrote that with some squigglies in it So he was trying to make a point to me And after I read a little bit more He started letting me know That this self appraisal that I had done Was not enough Now I'm getting kind of ticked off now Remember how I went from being like Woohoo, woohoo Yeah I'm brave and right there I'm a four step Now I am at this point like uh oh What What you trying to say Bill Because Bill got me looking A little deeper inside than the actual writing of the fourth step actually meant for me to see. Because, see, Bill is telling me now that, yeah, that person that you put down on paper, is it still the person you want the world to see? Or is it the hidden man that you kept hidden all this time? And how did he bring that to my attention? Bill says, how many times have you tried to get comfort at somebody else's expense? Who? I ain't like that. Then he told me how it was unfair to clergymen. He told me it was not fair to the psychoanalysts. You know, I didn't tell the psycho when I asked the psychoanalysis, ooh, James, that was terrible what happened to you. I didn't go, well, you know, the truth of the matter is Ma didn't have much. I said, yeah, you're right. Growing up in that cold water flat just wasn't right. You know, rather than saying Mama did the best she could with what she had. You see, I didn'T want that. I wanted to be like they do when you're new in AA. It's okay. It's all right. Just don't drink, go to meetings. Easy does it. So what? You beat up everybody in the house. You didn't drink today, right? It's okay. So right, so right you didn't call me on a regular basis. I understand. We all do these things. Don't do the step work right now. It's too soon. Foaming at the mouth. Not only am I drinking the coffee, I'm eating a cup afterwards. It's just sad at this point. And now I'm faced with Bill telling me this kind of stuff, and he's opening up this idea of what the fifth step's real purpose is for me. And he tells me if I skip this vital step, that from their experience, I'm bound to get drunk again. And all of a sudden, after being relieved of some fear, I'm starting to feel a different kind of fear. And now I've got to relate back to what I said I came to believe in. And I remember what it said on 68. Men of faith have courage, and men of courage have faith, for they believe in their God. And I Remember this old, big old prophetess, as they say in my belief system, Margie Green. She used to always say, I don't know what you come to do, but I know what I came here to do. And all of a sudden, I'm starting to get these inspirational thoughts in my head. You know? And all OF a sudden I'm startin' to feel like, you know what? I need to get this work done. I really need to git it done. And I don't know what John's gonna think of me. See? This is the new fear now. And I'm sayin', you know wat? I still gotta see it through. I git the work done, and now I'm gonna tell ya somethin' that happened to me along the way. that I don't wish on anybody in AA. I was married at the time, and I had wrote my four-step down. I took it to my personal car that I use on a regular basis. I put it in a bag in a shoebox under the spare tire in the trunk. and my wife stumbled upon it. I'll tell you again. My four step in a bag, in a box, under a tire, in a trunk and she stumbled upon and now another fear kicked in and I remember calling John up telling him and John said now it's on her too and I went hmm but what happened was and I don't wish this on nobody is that they were looking for something about them and didn't find nothing other than the fact that I was resentful at the fact that she said you should have died that was it I had no resentment at the fact that she took care of these kids while I was away in rehab I had not resentment about that I had nor resentment at the fact that she was holding things up holding things together while Iwas trying to get me together so there was nothing in there so what she did is she started becoming resentful at the fat that I had a list of women that Ihad harmed along the way up to her and she began to reflect back on some of my past behaviors remember how I told y'all how I went to bed putting it together she probably remembered times I've done that to her and this woman hated me I'm really usually when I do these commitments I usually have a few of my pigeons here my brother Manny and a few other people where I can say, ain't that the truth, y'all? Because they remember how I would get beat up because I was hanging out with y'alls. And God forbid one of you recovering women had y'ALL stuff together and she saw you at the meeting. You ain't going there no more. So now my recovery is starting to really be painful and John knew that this new thing would create a resentment in me and I needed to get the work done now because I had new stuff piling up and there was no longer time for me to postpone any longer. My back was against the wall because I'm going to work, I'm staying sober, I'm doing the right thing and I'm showing up home but I'm coming into home and being dealt with when I'm trying to do right. I never, I put it there for a reason so that she would not have to be offended in any way by this but she stumbled upon it. And I'm tried to relieve her and trying to relieve me at the same time, and I don't know what's going to really happen here. So I remember when John told me it's time to do it, I drove up to his house. The first sitting took me, I don' t know, about four hours. That's it. About four hours I was about done with the first part. Then John said we'll set another appointment for another day, and I felt a little better, and I'm still going home to the same stuff. And the pain would kick back up, and I'd make another appointment with John, and we did the fear inventory. And just so happened, the day that I did the fear inventory, I added her to the fear inventory just before I got there. Because now I was afraid that my wife was going to leave me. And John told me if she leaves you, she leaves because she wants to leave you, not because you did anything to make her leave you at this point. You're doing the best you can. And if she makes the choice that she no longer want to be married what that got to do with you and the reason that anybody who know my sponsor john stern will tell you that my sponsor John Stern and his ex-wife used to attend the same meeting and I was sitting in the meeting one day when his ex wife said on her celebration I want to thank you probably wouldn't be here today and I remember when she said that my heart kind of started racing real fast because I never thought that I would ever see a man be honored in that kind of way by somebody who supposedly supposed to dislike him or hate him. So I became hopeful that I could get through this. So my next remaining four or five years in recovery and married was total torture. Gene remembers when I used to stand on the side and tell him how I was working two, three, four jobs. I was like one of them crazy Jamaicans on color purple remember i he had 14 jobs you know i was mowing lawns washing cars working driving trucks i mean i was doing everything in my power trying to provide for my family i was standing up before people for the first time in my life because of this fifth step i just like it said by this point i have felt that fellowship with man and god i felt for the First Time in My Life that i could stand up in front of people like y'all and get butt naked on a spiritual level to tell you the inner dark things that go on in me and to know that no man on earth has the power to judge me or condemn me now in the beginning that's not easy if you knew because you ain't used to living that way so this is where my sponsor became highly important because now i'm coming in the meeting knowing that i had just did this work and I took this time to reflect. And I didn't get no, like, you know, I'm going to go to the moon type of feeling or the sky opened up. You know, I ain't getting none of that. All I got was for the first time in my life I could grab myself by the lapel of my britches and I had a half a backbone. You said, James, you talk too much. I go, yeah, you're right. Every time I see you, man, you big book this, big book that. Yeah, you right. Then I was taking the shots in the meeting There he goes One of them You know And John was teaching me how to do that And the only reason I was able to do That and if you knew I'm telling you The only reason I was Able to do That because the man That you see in front of you Is the man That I am You call my home My old lady Will tell you I love AA If my children Pick up the phone They'll tell you I love AAA Let me tell you how much I love AA. I was staying in Morristown in the green one day, and I'm trying to help a guy understand the first step. My 11-year-old was now nine, and he's sitting on the bench, and I're trying to explain unmanageability to this guy. He just don't get it. And all of a sudden my baby jumps up off the bench and says, Don't you understand what my daddy is trying to say? It's in your mind. That man don't talk to me no more Because it's okay It's okay And he liked them And they just okayed him And then he started sniffing heroin and drinking again And nobody wants to rub his back And I walked up to him and said If I can do anything to help you brother Just let me know no judgment no condemnation if you want to feel good you got to do good things old Thomas was right about that I appreciate when the sister was sharing the slogans earlier they do give you moments of encouragement but I'm grateful for what Bill said to me, Bill said here are the steps we took which is suggested in the program of recovery and sometimes when you're doing them steps man and when you get to this part of the program that's why Bill said you'll be amazed Before you're halfway through Because I was amazed man I mean I was a shameful person I told y'all I had such an ego That I denied my own mother I denied My own mother How do you deny somebody Who felt it necessary To cart you around My mother cart me around for 10 months And she always reminded me You almost killed me You were 10 pounds and a half You know But here I was denying her because I was afraid of what you would think of me. That's why I have a tendency to say if I have said or done or behaved in a manner which is undeceptible, I ask your forgiveness because if you have the power to judge, you have to power to forgive. And that's why it seems today for some apparent reason to walk more freer now because I've done this fifth step thing three times in nine years. And every time that I've done it, I got a new experience. The last time that I did the fifth step with somebody, and this was with a man by the name of Tom Walsh, I calmed down a little bit. You notice I said a little big. Not much. And what I mean by calm down is not externally I calms down. I'm still cheerleading with the pom-poms for AA. What I mean calm down a little bit means is that I calmed down enough in me that I know it's okay with me today. I ain't really worried much about stuff. Doctor looked at me, I went for a prostate screening and the doctor looked at him and he said, James, you come on down, we're going to do this. I said, okay. I went down and did it and came back for the results. He says, I got good news and bad news. I win. Okay. He said, well, the good news is you don't have prostate cancer. I said, oh, that's a good thing. He said, bad news is you're a diabetic and you're about 65 pounds overweight. I lost 60 pounds. That's not my ego. That't the truth. I ate enough of cucumber and steak to kill a mule. Missed them good old chocolate candies though boy i mean i missed some things but what i'm trying to say to you is when he gave me that bad news i have found serenity in the midst of my calamity because i felt the old fear stuff come up you know like what will they find will they found that i'm hiv positive in this blood work will they fight out this will they fire out that how will i tell my old lady how would i tell my kids how will you all that stuff that we start going through and then i have to remember that i I turned my will and my life over to the care of God. So whatever the outcome may be, if I really made a search and a fill a small inventory of myself, I know how to get down to cause and condition. And the only cause that brung about my diabetes is that alcohol will mess up your pancreas. And that's what it was. I have what they call adult onset diabetes. My body just don't put out enough insulin to beat up the sugar. And when he said it to me, I went, look at the inventory. I went no shit. You know, I mean, Doc thought I had lost my mind. I'm surprised you didn't give me like Prozac and all that other stuff. So I was sitting there, and then I just simply asked him, Doc, what do you say I do? He said, James, it looks like you're going to have to lose some weight. You're goingto have to do some things. He told me some results. He toldme some levels, some numbers. My cholesterol was like 370. my face was puffy I thought I was going to die I go back to testing a couple of times on the second testing I went back he says your cholesterol down to 171 your sugar level was 11.3 it's now 6.5 if you keep doing what you're doing you may not have to take medication you can control your diabetes through diet and I went so follow directions do work I'm serious that was the first thought that went through my mind following directions do worth because he told me exactly what to do because from me following the instructions that I was told to follow in my step work I got a result this is not a game some of us Maybe a little more orative or animated when we come up here at these podiums and speak. You know, I'm really, I enjoy the laughter of identification, but the truth of the matter is I ain't trying to entertain you. I'm telling you the truth. I'm just one of those wired-up people. And it's always, people always laugh at me. I look like a clown, but I ain'T no dummy. Now, the truth, the reason I bring that in there is because it's really good to be enthusiastic. But just like I was sharing with somebody else before You can have a whole lot of fire But if there ain't no gasoline You're going to burn out God bless y'all man Because if you could sit here and listen to me For any length of time Something must be working for you Because that's what they told me I sat through some stuff bro Sisters Sat through some shit I sat though some stuff I sat thru some stuff that scared me You know hearing people telling me you know, every time you're sharing a meeting it's like you're doing a piece of your fifth step. Hmm? What fifth step you do? You're sharing about Wall Street. That ain't a piece of fifth step to me. Bill didn't even describe it in the story as a piece-of-his-story hardly. Bill said when he was jumping out of those windows, that disgusts me. I'm going back to bar. So why would I be excited about people sharing events with me as if they're sharing themselves with me? I'll share another piece of myself with you. For a long time, I struggled in the social instinct for a long term. The reason that my sex inventory was never difficult for me to share with people is because I was always outgoing. I never was fearful of interacting with the opposite sex. It never scared me. I was raised by women, so it was never hard for me to go up to a girl and say, you're fine. I'm going to marry you tomorrow. You know, it was Never Hard to Say That for Me. So like I remember one time I was sitting in a meeting, I was doing a speaking commitment, and I shared my biggest fear, and my biggest Fear was in the sex category. And I ain't afraid to tell y'all either. And my biggest fear was after everything was said and done, would she look at me and go, is that it? And I was scared to death of women. So if I wasn't all that in a bag of chips to you, you'd own me. You'd say, James, shut up. James, get up. James, stop. Just don't tell nobody. So that was easy to talk about. That's easy stuff, man. That's elementary. The hardest thing I had to deal with was to let y'all know that for a long time, based on my cultural background, and this is real hard for me because the majority of the times in meetings in northern New Jersey and most of the places that I ended up living, it was hard for мне to share these concepts because I was of a minority group and I didn't want y'ALL to think that I was crying the urban plight. So I was afraid to tell you those real social issues I had going on because I had somebody at a meeting one time, I told Gene this. I think Gene might have been there. Remember Gene? The guy said, why every time you share, it's always the black stuff? And I went, I don't know. I couldn't think of nothing else to tell him. Because I would talk about stuff that my experience is in the ghetto. And just like the sister said prior to, in the beginning of the meeting, that, you know, we come to try to identify with each other. You know, to me, I do look for the facts. You know, I look for facts in your story. I need evidence. Bill says that our testimony is so convincing that we believe that further authentication isn't necessary. So I need somebody to come and certify that thing for me, put a stamp on it. You know? It's usually the results of the actions that you took. Just like for me. The reason that I believe... I ain't got nothing against my brothers, but I'm always impressed by my sisters in recovery because I know from their gender point of view And from my minority point of view, it's kind of hard for me to share some of those things that I've been thinking that will cause social indifference in the meeting or may cause a form of uncomfortability to some when I talk about some of my childhood events in the South. I can't really share those experiences openly a majority of the time in meetings and I'd be damned if I'm going to go to Newark every time I feel like I want to share that. I live in a five bedroom Three bath house In a residential community And I used to live In a cold water flat Fighting roaches and rats Why do I have to return Back to a place Just to be who I am I'm the kind of drunk That I would go In one of those Bars to get drunk Just as fast As I'd go into One of those other ones Why should I be any different About an AA meeting To God not as true Before man and God Now we were saying We were going I said tonight That I would I shared the truth With you as far as What I would come And share with you On three, four and five And as y'all can tell I had turned my will And my life over To the care of God Because I really Honestly believe in myself That it was him who brung me where I'm at I'm one of God's babies It ain't nothing there one of y'all can do about it That's a damn shame Cause I don't even want to believe that But because of the results that I got up to this point I only can believe that Cause I shouldn't be sober How many times have we all been impressed When the old timer You know With the purple lips come up to the podium and says Well If I'd have gotten what I deserve, I wouldn't be here today. And we all go, yeah. But one of us who is on the way along the journey tell you that if I got what I deserved, I wouldn'T be here. It's not far for you to fathom that. So it can't possibly be true with her or him because they don't have that time The truth of the matter is I've been coming around AA since 1980 That means I have over 23 years Of AA experience under my belt Drunk and sober Only thing I ever changed in AA was my dates And the only one that ain't been changed Is June 11th of 1994 If you see me in this meeting Or any other meeting You'll probably hear me say I have not found it necessary To pick up a drink A drug or any minor thing chemical Since June 11th of 1994 And for that I'm internally grateful Internally I'm talking down in the soul of my gut I'm so grateful sometimes Man, I'm going to tell y'all On the way here I love Carrie the Message Group Because I was coming down the highway And I mean I mean Parkway was jammed tight Out of that Out of left toe there was a peace over me because I knew where I was going and I was so enthusiastic and excited about getting here that I gave myself more than enough time to get here because last week I got here enough time for dinner have a meeting before the meeting the meeting after the meeting with the meeting and like I told brother Dave if you've ever been in love with anybody you never get enough of talking about them I love AA AA was the only thing that I ever got in my life That I valued Next to my God AA is not the most Powerfulest thing in my Life But it's a damn close second Old time in Nelson I'll close with this Nelson was in a gratitude meeting one time And I'll never forget when he said this He said the two things that I'm grateful for Is the butt whipping I took from booze and the God of my understanding. I understood that so deep. There's no time it was taught me, no souls are saved after the hour. I hope that my sharing of 3, 4, and 5 has helped somebody. I hope it let you know what my experience was like. I look forward to next week. But I'd like to say to you as I always end and always like to stay, if I have said, done, behaved in a manner at this podium which you found unacceptable, I ask your forgiveness. And like I said to you before, if you have the power to judge, then you also have thepower to forgive. And I hope you can find it within your heart to forgive me if I offended you, and if you don't, get over it. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you.