The AA Fundamentalist and the Big Book – Charlie P.

Good morning, everybody. My name is Charlie Powerman and I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic. Because I'm a member of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and for the grace of the power that I found in the 12-step program of Alcoholic Anonymous, haven't found necessary to take a drink for 6,001 days today, one day at a time. And for this, I'm very grateful. And then it's great to be here. So Maynard, when I got off that airplane yesterday and started to walk in that airport terminal building and I looked through the window and I could see him standing over there and he looks exactly like what an alcoholic ought to look like you know what any problem to spot him just walk right up to him I want to thank the committee and whoever was involved with getting me to be here this weekend I feel real honored to be at the first conference of the Chattahoochee Valley conference. It's a great pleasure to always go and share with people and share our story and our AA life, and I'm certainly grateful for the opportunity to do it here this weekend. This building is a great building. I fell in love with it when I first drove up here yesterday. I don't see any reason why you can't have an extremely good conference here from now on. Jim didn't hear from last night i'm sorry ed and i wanted to thank him for last night i think he made a great talk he talked about the big book alcoholics anonymous those of you that know me know that that's my first love and that's what i always like to hear about and talk about another reason i think you'll be very successful here at this particular convention is as long as those doors are open back there the speaker can stand here and see himself or herself in the mirror across the hall. I hope I don't get so damn involved with watching me. I always like to tell a little story or a little joke before I start talking, primarily to settle me down and to get the butterflies in my stomach at the place they should be. There's a story I've heard in years and years ago about a drunk in california and i just love it i love to share it this particular old drunk he was one of those that didn't have a lot of money didn't have any means of transportation yet every time that he got drunk he always wanted to go somewhere he always want to travel and about the only way he could do that was either hitchhike or ride a bus and this particular time he may have been up in san francisco and he got drunk and he decided he wanted to go down to San Bernardino and he had a little bit of money in his pocket so he goes down to the bus station and he buys himself a ticket to go to San Bernadino and the ticket agent told him said now the bus is a few minutes late but said about all you can do just go out into the lobby and sit down and said the bus will be here in a little while and he said okay and he goes out in the lobby and being one of we restless alcoholics he didn't particularly want to sit down So he got to looking around, and he happened to notice over against the wall one of these weight machines which also tells your fortune. And he thought, well, I'll get on that weight machine and see how much I weigh and see what my fortune actually is. So he gets up on the weight machine, and He puts a penny in it. A little card comes out, and the card says you weigh 155 pounds. It says you're 5 foot 8 1⁄2 inches tall. You're 56 years old, and you've got blue eyes and blonde hair, and you're waiting on the bus to San Bernardino. And he thought, I don't understand how that thing can be that smart. And about that time a pain hit him in the stomach and he rushed to the restroom and he got to the stool and he pulled his britches down and he sat on the stool and nothing great happened but he did pass a little gas and that made him feel better. So he gets up and he goes back in the lobby and he says, I'm going to try that weight machine one more time to see if it can possibly be right twice. He gets up on it, puts his penny in, and the card comes out, and it says you weigh 155 pounds. You're 5'8 1⁄2 inches tall. You're 56 years old. You've got blue eyes, blonde hair. You're waiting on a bus to San Bernardino. And he said, man, I don't understand how that thing is that smart. And about that time, the pain hit him again, and he rushes back to the restroom, and he jerks his britches down, and he sits on the stool. And again, nothing great happened, but he did pass gas, and that made him feel better. So he gets up, he goes back in the lobby, and he says, I'm going to try that machine one more time to see if it can possibly be right three times in a row. He gets up on it, he puts his penny in, a little card comes out, and the card says you weigh 155 pounds, you're 5 foot 8 1⁄2 inches tall, you're 56 years old, you've got blue eyes and blonde hair, and it says you've done farted around and missed your bus to San Bernardino. And I think that is so typical of we alcoholics, you know. Many of us farted around and almost missed our bus to sobriety. In the last few years, especially the last year or two, I've heard some people refer to me as an AA fundamentalist. Now, I'm not sure that I know what an AA Fundamentalist is. but if it is to love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous then I suspect that I'm an A.A. fundamentalist If it is to love The Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous and the program contained therein then I suspect that i'm an a.a. fundamentalists If it's to love your God as you understand him with all your heart and soul, then I suspect that im an a fundamentalist because you see those three things are what's allowed me to be here today. Those three things are what's allowed me to be alive today. When I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the fellowships loved me, supported me, tolerated me, put up with me long enough for me to find my way into the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I found my way in to the Big book Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out for the first time in my life what my problem really was. I found about the disease of alcoholism. I found that I had a two-fold disease, an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. And I found unless something was done to treat that disease that I would either die or I would go permanently insane. Within the big book Alcoholics Anonymous I found not only what my problems were but I found out what the solution to my problem was. I found out that I had become absolutely powerless over alcohol and that if I wanted to live, I was going to have to find a power greater than I am and a power bigger than human power. And within the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, I found a practical program of action that if i would apply it in my life, I would be able to find that power and then that power would solve the problem for me. And because of the practical program of action, I have found the power greater than I am, the grace of God as I understand him, and it isn't necessary for me to drink alcohol anymore. And that primarily is what I'm going to talk about this morning, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book Alcoholics Annonymous, and my God as i understand him in my life. Now, prior to coming to AA, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I thought perhaps I was one of these people who had a weak will. I thought I was perhaps one of those people who were just simply a bad sinful human being. I thought that I was a person who had lack of character and why would I not believe those things because everybody had been telling me that's what's wrong with me. And at AA, for the first time when I found out about my disease, for the first I understood why I drank like I did and for the first time I understood I could not quit drinking now that I wanted to quit drinking. And in order for me to really understand what my disease was, I found that it was necessary for me to understand words. I know that prior to coming to AA I had one interpretation of the word allergy, which I believed was a disservice to me when I first came to AA. Because they told me in AA that I'm allergic to alcohol and I could not in my mind see where I was allergic to alchohol. I paid lip service to that statement and I said oh yeah I guess I am. But I really couldn't understand what they were talking about when they said I'm allergic to alcohol. Because to me, an allergy had to be something that would have some visible signs, some visible indicators, some visual manifestation of the allergy. Like for instance, if you're allergic to strawberries and you eat them, you will break out in a rash. The rash, of course, being the visible manifestation ofthe allergy. If you're allergic to milk and you drink it, you normally have a bad case of dysentery with it. And the dysentary, of course, being the visible manifestation of the allergy. Or if you're allergic to ragweeds and you get around them and your eyes itch and your nose itches and you begin to sneeze and et cetera, all visible signs of being allergic to that material, whatever it might be. And when I said I'm allergic to alcohol, I began to search in my mind to see where I had some visible manifestations. In the first place, I went home and I opened my shirt and I looked at me and I didn't see any bumps on me at all. Whenever I drank alcohol, I did not necessarily have a bad case of dysentery. Oh, once in a while I would depending on what I'd been drinking the night before but normally I did now I did have a good case of dysentery and I said to the people who told me that I said, how in the world can I be allergic to alcohol when I've been drinking about a quart of it a day for the last four, five, six years? How in the word can you be allergic that something that you can consume that much of? Finally, with my keen intellectual alcoholic mind, it became necessary for me to go to the dictionary and look up the word allergy and see what it really says. And when I looked up that word allergy, I found a definition that I think fits me 100% just exactly. One definition of the word allergy is an abnormal reaction to any food, beverage, or substance. An abnormal reaction. And I began to search my mind to see if I could determine where I was allergic or abnormal to alcohol itself. And I found that in order for me to determine whether I'm abnormal or not, I had to first determine, well, what is normal? And to my amazement, I knew nothing about normal drinking. because you see the only way I've ever drank all my life has been abnormal and all the people who drank around me and with me their drinking was abnormal and I really didn't understand what normal drinking was. So it became necessary for me to go to the so-called normal social drinker the temperate drinker or I think today we refer to them as the social drinkers and I would ask them to describe to me how they felt whenever they took a drink of alcohol My wife, Barbara, happens to be a normal social drinker. Normally they will tell me that whenever they take a drink of alcohol, they get a warm, comfortable, relaxing feeling. They said we can go home from work and we can be tired and tense and wrought up and everything from the day's work and we an have that one or two drinks of alcohol and we get a calm, comfortable relaxing feeling and they said then we may or may not have another drink before dinner and then we'll go ahead and eat dinner and then that's probably all we're going to drink for that evening. Well, now whenever I take a drink of alcohol I don't feel that way at all. Whenever I take A Drink of Alcohol I put it to my mouth and as it passes over my lips my lips get a very hot, intense, burning, exciting feeling. As it crosses my teeth my teeth begin to chatter up and down. It strikes my tongue and my tongue begins to grow and swell and expand and get bigger and bigger. It hits my cheeks, and they tend to go in and out. And as it's doing all that, I feel it passing up through my sinus cavities up into my forehead. And I get a feeling in my forehead which is absolutely indescribably wonderful. And I haven't even swallowed the damn stuff yet. I've just got it in my mouth. Whenever I swallow that stuff and I feel it going down through my esophagus, as it passes through my chest, some wonderful things begin to happen. my chest begins to grow and expand and get bigger and bigger and it strikes my stomach and it explodes like a bomb and I can feel it racing out through my arms and my arms get longer and longer and as my arms are getting longer I can see it racing through my legs and as it goes through my leg, my legs get longer and I get taller and taller and it hits my feet and the bottom of my feet gets that hot burning exciting feeling and my toes begin to tremble and vibrate and shake and my feet get to shuffling and they want to get up and go somewhere and do something. I don't understand a warm, comfortable, relaxing feeling from alcohol. Now another way that I differ in alcohol is that the normal drinker, whenever they have two or three drinks of alcohol, the majority of them will get a slightly tipsy, out-of-control, nauseating feeling. And I don't particularly like that slightly tipsie, out of control, nauseated feeling. And they say that's all we're going to drink. Now for years I thought the normal social drinker used willpower to not drink more than one, two or three drinks. But today I realize that they don't have to use willpower because one, deux or trois drinks is really all they want to drink They don't like that particular feeling they get from it. They say, we're not going to drink anymore, and by golly, they shut it off and they don't drink anymore that evening. The thing that is amazing to me today with a normal social drinker is that they get all they want to drink every damn time they drink one, two, or three drinks. I drank alcohol for 26 years and I never remember getting all I wanted to drink. Many, many times I've had a hell of a lot more than I needed to drink, but I never remember drinking all that I wanted to drink. Whenever I take a drink of alcohol and put it in my system, there is a craving that develops within my body that demands more of the same. I don't get that slightly tipsy, out-of-control, nauseous feeling. I get an in-control exciting get-up-and-go-somewhere-do-something feeling and I don' t get that nauseous feelin'. When I drink one, two, or three drinks, my body demands more of the same. And I have a fourth drink and a fifth drink and a sixth drink, and the craving is so strong that it overcomes my ability to control the amount that I'm going to consume after I've had that one, two, three drinks. And I end up drunk and sick and in all kinds of trouble. You know, I crave alcohol after I have had one or two drinks. The normal social drinker never craves alcohol after they have had one, 2, 3 drinks. Now, the only difference between normal and abnormal is what do the majority of the people do. And if nine people out of ten drink like the social drinker, and one person out of ten drinks like I drink, then we are considered to be abnormal to alcohol, therefore we are considered to Be Allergic to Alcohol. And for the first time in my life, I understood why I can't drink safely. Now, some people I know, I realize many alcoholics had several years of relatively safe drinking of alcohol. But I can never remember in that 26-year period did I ever have one drink of anything that had alcohol in it. Surely sometime I drank one beer. Surely sometime I took one shot of whiskey. But if I did, I never remember doing that. Always when I had one drink, one called for two, two called for three, and then four and five and six and eight and ten and on and on until i'm drunk sick and in all kinds of trouble therefore i'm abnormal to alcohol and i'm considered to be allergic to alcohol in order for me to be an alcoholic i believe i had to have some other things wrong with me also you know i know as a kid growing up i was a little short fat kid and i always wore these glasses and it seemed like i was always on the outside of the crowd looking in always wanting to be a part of but knowing i could not be a part of, knowing that whatever I said, whatever I did would be the wrong thing and the other kids would laugh at me and I would be embarrassed. I remember when I was going to high school, a majority of the guys that I ran around with were into some form of athletics or other and I always wanted to be a heart of that crowd also. And I remember distinctly going to the football coach and I asked him, I said how about letting me try out for the track team? I mean for the football team and I'm not sure that he said these words but it seemed to me as this is what he said it seemed as though he looked at me and he smiled and he said son I'm sorry little short fat boys that wear glasses don't make very good football players he said why don't you go over and try out for the basketball team I remember going to the basketball coach and I asked him to let me try out for the baseball team and it seems as though he said to me son I am sorry little short flat boys that were glasses is don't make very good football players. Why don't you try out for the track team? And on and on and off. Also, I remember at that stage of my life that these other boys were doing things with girls that I wanted to do too. Sometimes I'd see them in the hallways of the school and they'd be walking down the hall and they had the girl's head on their shoulder and she would be looking up at them with those great eyes and I would be watching them, you know. And I wantedto do some of that too. Once in a great while, I'd see them around under the stairwell and the boy would have the girl back in the corner and she would have her arms up around his head and he would have his head pulled down to hers and they would be back in a corner and they'd be kissing back in that corner. And I wanted to do some of that too. But I found out that little short fat boys that wear glasses don't score any better there than they did on the athletic teams I was in. And I'll never forget one night when I was about 14 years old, we went to a school dance and the school dance was in an old barn out in the country and that old dairy barn had been converted into a dance hall with the upstairs portion where the hay used to be made into the dance floor and the downstairs portion where the stanchions are and they had tables where you could sit down and have a Coke or whatever you wanted to do. And that night I went upstairs in that old barn where those kids were dancing. And I was standing over against the wall, and the music were playing, and the kids were dancin'. And I remember tellin' myself, lookin' at a little girl out there named Betty who I'd always wanted to do somethin' with, I remember telin' myself that as soon as this music stops, I'm gonna ask Betty to dance with me. Now, I'd never danced with a girl before, but I felt that I would be able to do it that night. And I know the music stopped, and I began to walk toward Betty to ask Betty for help. Betty to dance with me. And as I got closer to Betty, my mind began to say, well, what are you going to do if she says no? And all these other kids are going to hear and they're going to laugh and you're going be embarrassed. And my footsteps begin to slow down. And as I get a little closer to better than mine said, Well, what are you gonna do? She says yes. And you'll step on her toes and you will stumble and fall and she'll probably scream and slap your face and then you're sure going to be embarrassed and my footsteps slowed down more and more and before I could get to Betty the music started some other guy grabbed her and they went out and started dancing and I went back against the wall and I said as soon as this music stops I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. And the music stopped and I began to walk toward Betty and the same thoughts begin to occur. What are you going to do if she says no and what are you gonna do if he says yes and my footsteps got slower and slower and before I could get to Benny some other guy grabbed him and started dancin'. I go back against the wall, and I'm standing there saying to myself again as soon as this music stops, I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. And a big tall slender guy that I knew came sidling up to me and he said, Charlie, he said how would you like to go outside with me and have a drink of moonshine? Well now I didn't know what moonshINE was but I was afraid to tell him no because the other kids would hear and I would be embarrassed so I said okay yeah I'll do that. We go downstairs and he opens up the trunk of his car and he reaches in and he gets out a quart jar of moonshine, and he takes a drink, and he hands it to me, and I take a drink of that moonshINE. Now the feeling I described to you while ago begins to take place immediately. As the moonshINe went over my lips, I got that hot intense burning feeling in my lips. It hit my teeth, and they began to chatter up and down. It struck my tongue. My tongue began to grow and swell. My cheeks went in and out. Up it went through my sinus cavities. I got this indescribably wonderful feeling in my forehead, and about that time I swallowed that damn stuff now if you've never had a drink of moonshine especially for the first drink you wouldn't understand what i'm saying but when that moonshINE went down through my chest it felt like liquid fire you know and i began to gag and i couldn't catch my breath and i almost puked right there and i got to coughing and tears came to my eyes but as it did i felt my chest begin to grow and expand and get bigger and bigger. And it hit my stomach and it exploded like a bomb and out through my arms it went and they got longer and longer and down through my legs it went and they Got Longer and Longer and I Got Taller and Taller and my feet began to shuffle and want to move and this guy standing there said would you like to have another drink? And from the tremendous height that I'd already grown to I looked down on his head and I said yeah I believe I want one more of them. And we took a second drink and we went back upstairs where the kids were dancing and I went over against the wall and I was standing there watching Betty dance and I said, as soon as the music stops, I'm going to ask Betty to dance with her. And the music stopped and I began to walk toward Betty and to my amazement, this time my mind did not say, what are you going to do if she says no? Because I knew for sure that Betty was going to say yes. this time my mind did not say what are you going to do if she says yes and you step on her toes stumble and fall and she screams because I knew that I'd be able to dance with Betty and everything would be all right and I walked right up to Betty and I said Betty how would you like to dance with me and she said well yeah fine great and the music started and Betty and i began to dance and sure enough I didn't stumble and follow sure enough i didn't step on their toes and we got through the dance just great and as the music began to come to an end for that particular tune I found myself doing something again I'd never been able to do before. I turned to Betty and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance with me again? And she looked at me and she said, well, yeah, fine, Charlie, that's all right. She said, you're a pretty good dancer. She said I didn't know you could dance. I said hell, I didn' t either but let's try one more time. Now to the best of my recollection Betty didn't dance with anybody else that night. I really believe tonight as I look back on that that Betty and i danced every tune for the rest of the evening together. And as the dance began to draw to a close, I found myself again doing something I'd never been able to do before. I said, Betty, how about letting me take you home for the dance? And she said, well, sure, Charlie, that'd be okay. That'd be fine. Now, I didn't have an automobile to take her home in, but I knew a fellow that had one and he was a tall slender guy that had a poor moonshine in the trunk of his car. And I went over and I asked him if Betty and I could ride home with he and his girlfriend. And he said, well, yeah, come on. Said, let's go. So we go downstairs and we get the moonshine out of the trunk of the car and put it up in the front. He and his boyfriend get in the font seat. Betty and I get in a backseat. We have another drink and we go tootling it down the road. And as we're tooting it down in the road, my mind begins to work and think. And it says, you know, you've asked this girl to dance with her and she didn't say no. And you've danced with him. You didn't step on her toes or stumble and fall. And you've asked her to take her home. And my mind said, I wonder what she'd do if I would reach over and put my arm around her and pull her over here against my shoulder. And we rode along a little ways and I thought about that some more. And after a while, I put my arms around Betty and I pulled her over against my shoulders. And sure enough, she did the same thing those girls was doing in school. She laid her head on my shoulder and she looked up at me with those big eyes. You know, you guys know how they look when they do that. And I thought, now man, this is really living i you know i really enjoy this and it was we rode down the road a little further my mind began to think again it said you've asked this girl to dance with her and everything was okay and you're taking her home you got her in the back seat of this car you got our head on your shoulder so my mind said i wonder what she'd do if i would kiss her and as i rode along a little further and thought about that some more i decided to do that now i'd never kissed a girl before and i really didn't know how to do it but i had seen them do it in the movies so i knew that if I followed what they practiced in the movies, everything would be okay. So I reach over and I get Betty by the chin with my right hand and I got her face situated just exactly right and I begin to reach down to lay my lips on hers. Now, I wasn't sure what would happen. I thought maybe she wouldn't really slap me this time but as I laid my lips of hers, I closed my eyes just before I did because that's what I've been seeing them do in the movie and I figured your eyes ought to be closed And I put my lips on Betty's, and I really didn't know what to expect. But you know, she didn't slap my face. In fact, in a little bit, her little lips began to move and kind of tingle. And then my little lips begin to move and kindof tingle And I thought, Jesus Christ, so this is what it's all about And as we rode along a little further my mind began to think a little more and it said here I've got I've asked this girl to dance with me and everything worked out and I'm taking her home and I got her in the back seat of the car and I've kissed her and she didn't slap my face my mind said I wonder what she'd do if I'd reach over there and get a hold of one of those things I rode a little further and I decided I would do that and again it's something that I'd never done before but I figured that if you're going to do that you need to be kissing them at the same time. So again, I got Betty by the chin and I got her face just where it ought to be and I leaned down to kiss her but this time I didn't close my eyes because I wanted to see what my right hand was getting ready to do. And as I leaned down and as I put my lips on Betty's, sure enough my right arm was in the air and my right hands reached over there and got hold of one of those things. Now let me tell you something if you're a little short fat kid that wears glasses and you've been thinking about getting hold of one of those things for a long time and you get one of Those things in your hand for the first time in your life I'll tell you there's no feeling like that appearing I know that I have never felt anything like that before and I'm not so damn sure I've ever felt anything Like that since looking back on that today, I realize that was probably my first spiritual experience right there in the back seat of that car. I get to thinking about it today and my old right hand just gets to shaking and trembling and it's burning. Now the only reason, that's enough about Betty. The only reason I tell the story about Betty is to make a point. And the point is that here was a little short fat kid that wore glasses that never did seem to fit in anywhere he went. Always afraid of what he would say and what he would do would be the wrong thing, and kids would laugh at him and he would be embarrassed. Unable to function in what to him was normal society, which is the rest of the kids that he runs around with. And that night he took a drink of alcohol, and alcohol did something for him that he had never been able to do for himself. Alcohol gave him the courage and the strength and everything that he had to have in order to function in what to him was normal society. Alcohol that night became the answer to all of his problems. Alcohol, that night did for him what he could not do for himself. Alcohol. That night became a power greater than he was. I love the feeling that I got from it so well that I couldn't hardly wait to do it again. And the next time I got a chance to drink. I tried it, and sure enough, it worked, and it did the same thing again. And the third time I tried, it sure enough it worked that it did this thing again, and my mind immediately became obsessed with the idea of drinking alcohol. Now an obsession of the mind is really not too difficult to understand. An obsession of a mind is an idea that overcomes all other ideas. Almost immediately with my drinking, I begin to get into trouble. And my mother told me in the very beginning, she said, son, you oughtn't to drink that stuff. She said, don't you know that you have an uncle that's in the state insane asylum in California and he's become a wet brain from drinking alcohol? And she said if you continue to drink, you're going to be just like him and you're gonna end up right where he is. And my mind said, no mother, I'll never be like him because if I get to drinking like he drinks, then I will simply quit drinking. Her idea for me was to stop my idea was to continue to drink my dad told me he said son he said every parmley that's ever tried to drink alcohol has got in trouble with it he said i don't know why it is but there's something wrong in our family that we can't drink booze and he said if you continue to drink it you're going to destroy yourself your life and everything that you hold near and dear to you but my mind says no dad i'll be different if i ever get to drinking like the rest of you Parmley's, then I'll quit drinking. You can bet on that. My first wife said, Charlie, I love you dearly. She said, you're a good man. And she said, I don't want anything to happen to our marriage. But she said you don't drink alcohol like other people drink it. And he said, if you don t stop drinking, sooner or later I m going to have to leave you. And my mind said, honey, you don t understand. If it ever gets to the point where it really gives us a problem, then I'm going to stop drinking. My boss said to me, he said, Charlie, you're one of the finest employees we got. And he said you're slated for great things with our company and he said in a few years I'm going to retire and you're going to be able to get my job providing one thing. He said you don't have to quit drinking that booze. He says you're drinking it and you laying out at night and I don't know what you're doing and I don't care but it's beginning to interfere with your job and he said if you don t stop drinking you re going to lose this job sooner or later. And my mind said boss, you don't understand that if I ever get to that point, then I will stop drinking. Everybody's idea was for Charlie to stop drinking, Charlie's idea was that if it ever gives him a problem, he will stop drinking when that day comes. An obsession of the mind is an idea that overcomes all ideas. You know, all people are obsessed with certain things. We have some people that are obsessed with the idea of gambling. We Have some people who are obsessed with the idea of overeating. We have some people obsessed with the idea of working. We have someone obsessed with the idea of sex and we even have people obsessed with the idea of stopping other people from drinking, you know? And it's obvious to everybody around the gambler, the overeater, the one trying to stop people from drinking that they can't do those things but it is not obvious to the one who is obsessed with the idea. Their idea is that some way somehow Now, I'm going to find a way to do this. And my idea with alcohol was that I'm going to be able to drink it. It's not ever going to give me any problem. And I'm always going to being able to do what I want to with it. And if it does give me a problem, then I'll simply stop drinking. 24 years later, my second wife joined the Fellowship of Al-Anon. And when she went to Al-Anaon, she begin to bring home some pieces of literature about alcoholism, about AA, and various different things, and lay them around in different positions in my house. Well, I never would read those things while she was there. But after she would leave, once in a while I would pick one up and I would begin to read a little bit about alcoholismo, a little about Alcoholics Anonymous, a little bit about what i may have to do someday in order to recover from this thing that was by that time literally destroying my life period my wife had been an alan on probably four five six months and one day she came home and she said charlie she said my wife or my sponsor wanda has a husband named floyd and said he's in the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous she said would would you would you even consider talking to him about alcoholism and I said oh yeah I guess I would it'd be okay I really don't think I need it but if it would make you feel better yeah I'll be willing to talk to Floyd and I never will forget the day that Floyd and Wanda came to the house Barbara and Wonda got in the car and left and left Floyd and i sitting in my kitchen and Floyd sat down with me and he began to do for me that night or that day what nobody else had ever been able to do before. Floyd sat down and he began to talk to me about his disease of alcoholism, and nobody else had ever done this before. Everybody else that had talked to me about alcoholism had talked with me about my disease of alcoholism and what I was going to have to do about it, and Floyd didn't seem to really give a damn about my disease. He talked to be about his, and he begin to explain to me his disease. He began to explain to me the fact that he had to find a power greater than he was, and he began to talk to me about a practical program of action practiced by a bunch of people in a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous. And he did it in such a manner that he got my interest and intrigued me, and nobody had ever been able to do that before. Now God works in very mysterious ways. That has been now about 18 years ago. And my friend Floyd has never been able to get any long-term lasting sobriety. Floyd gets sober, he stays sober for 90 days or 6 months and he ends up getting drunk all over again. One time within this 18 year period Floyd got a year of sobriete and I got to give Floyd his lighter that night and I cried and Floyd cried and everybody else cried and damned if he didn't turn around within a week and get drunk all over again. My friend Floyd today is in a mental institution at the VA hospital in North Little Rock, Arkansas. Floyd is in there because about six months ago he got drunk one night, run out of gas. Walking down the highway, a car ran over him, broke his left leg in three places with compound fractures. They went in and operated on it, put it in pins and put it in a cast, and they put Floyd in a nursing home to keep him off of his foot. They said, now don't get on that foot. If you do, you're going to tear all that stuff loose. And Floyd managed to lay in that bed about three weeks in that nursing home and damn if he didn't get up and try to walk and tore it loose. They had to take him back, take the cast off, put new pins in, put him back in a nurse's office and in the nursing home within a month he did the same thing all over again. They took him back and now they've repinned it, put a cast on it and they've got him strapped down in a nuthouse down in Little Rock, Arkansas. He hasn't got enough brain left to even know not to walk on his leg. God works in very mysterious ways. Sometimes I wonder why. Why did I get sober and Floyd hasn't made it? And I don't really guess it's any of my business. It just so happens that worked. Floyd took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I walked in the door of the AA meeting, and there they all stood. This was a little meeting in Siloam Springs, Arkansas, and when I walked in the door, they were standing there and they all had a smile on their face and they stuck their hand out and they shook hands with me and they said, hello Charlie, how are you? They said, man, we're glad to see you here. Have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said, well yeah, I guess I have and the reason I'm here is to try to find out what to do about it and they began to tell me what I needed to do about my disease. One fellow said, you need to go to 456AA meetings a week if you want to stay sober. He said, we find that the more meetings you can go to, the more support you get from the group, the more fellowship you have, the better your chance in the beginning. And he said, if you'll go to four or five, six meetings a week, you'll probably stay sober for a while at least. Another fellow picked up this book and he said Charlie, this is the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, If you'll read it and study it and do what it says, you'll be able to live without drinking if you really want to stop. And another old fella sitting back over at the side of the room and you see him at every AA meeting. I see one or two here today you know bald-headed old poot he looked at me and he grinned and he smiled a little funny smile and he said son now in those days I was much younger he said son he said if you really want to stay sober someday you will have to turn your will and your life over the care of God as you understand him if you want to say sober now I thought about the three things that these people had said and the first thing I realized was that they didn't understand me at all. You know, this guy talking about going to four, five, six AA meetings a week. I said, you don't understand. You don't realize that I've got a farm out here in the country and I raised 45,000 chickens and I got 100 head of cattle and I've Got 30 sows and I got a redheaded wife and four kids and two bird dogs. And by God, you've got to work hard to keep up with those things. And I said I've to stay home at night and get my rest. But I said I will come to one AA meeting a week. I can't go to any more than one meeting a week. I picked up the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I opened it to where they told me to go to chapter 5 and I read how it works and read the steps and I just almost puked right there because it said we admitted we were powerless and I'd never admitted in my life I was powerless over anything. Step two said came to believe that a power greater than ourself can restore us to sanity. Well, I wasn't crazy. I said, man, don't tell me I'm crazy. I said, yeah, I do stupid things when I drink, but I'm not crazy. And if you're not powerless and you're not nuts, then you don't need step three. You don't have to be crazy. You don' t need to turn your will over to God. And I just closed the book and laid it on the shelf. I thought about what that fellow had said about turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. And what they didn't understand was that I understood God. Because you see, I was born and raised in a good old Southern Baptist church. And I'm no going to knock the Southern Baptist Church. I loved it then. I love it today. But it seems to me is though in my southern baptist church as a kid growing up the only thing i'd ever heard was hellfire and brimstone you go to hell for lying cheating stealing drinking whiskey and committing adultery and i've been doing that for over 20 years and i knew that god wouldn't have anything to do with me i knew it already told saint peter when that little four-eyed sucker gets up here just send him on downstairs we got no room for his kind up here at all but i said i'll tell you what I'll do. I said, I'll go to your meeting down here in Siloam Springs, Arkansas every Friday night and I won't miss a meeting and I'll work this thing the way I want to and I'm going to stay sober. And I said if you don't believe me, you watch me. I'm getting ready to do exactly that. Thank God for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know any other fellowship in the world would have taken an arrogant overbearing SOB like me and thrown me out the door. All they did was just rear back and smile and said, well, keep coming back. And I kept coming back and I went to their meetings every Friday night, didn't miss a meeting period. And 90 days later, I was sicker than I'd ever been in my life. I was mad at me. I Was mad at my wife. I was mad that my kids, I Was Mad at my bird dogs. I Was mad today. Nothing was working right. And I wanted to feel better and I didn't know how To feel better. And I've been hearing them people talking about slips and I decided, by golly, it's time for me to have one of them. So I took a drink of alcohol in order to feel better and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking. And some three, four, five, six weeks later I ended up drunk, sick, and in all kinds of trouble. Now in those days when I drank the only way I could stop drinking was to taper off. And the onlyway I could taper off was go to the liquor store and get a couple cases of beer to go along with my daily ration of vodka and gradually, gradually I could get off the vodka on the beer and then I could taper off the beer and then I'd be okay. Now that would take me anywhere from one to three weeks to taper off but I finally tapered off and I went right back to Siloam Springs at that meeting and there they all stood when I walked in the door and they said hello Charlie how are you? They said man we're glad to see you back said you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said yes I have and I guess the reason I'm here is to find out what to do about it And they proceeded to tell me. One guy said, you need to go to four, five, six AA meetings a week. And one says, you needs to read and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And the old poot in the room, he said, yeah. He said, someday you'll have to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him if you want to stay sober. And again I said, I can't do these things. And looking back on my life at that particular time, I realize today that I could not do those things because I had not been defeated. But I said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll come to your AA meeting every Friday night and I'll work this sucker the way I want to and I'm going to stay sober and if you don't believe me, you watch me, I'm getting ready to do it. And they said, keep coming back. And I kept coming back and six months later I was sicker than I'd ever been before in my life. I was going to an AA meeting every Friday Night. But the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous alone was not giving me what I needed in order to overcome my disease. Jim talked last night about that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks. Dr. Silkworth tells us in the Big Book when we're sober, we're restless, we're irritable, we'RE discontented. We can add a few more words to that if we're practicing alcoholic. We're full of shame, fear, guilt, and remorse and we don't feel good and we want to feel better and our mind keys in on what always made us feel better which is a drink and at the end of six months I took a drink and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking. Five, six, seven weeks later I tapered off and I came back to AA and I walked into the door of the meeting and there they all stood. Had their hands sticking out and they said, Hello Charlie, how are you? Man, we're glad to see you back. You been having a little trouble? I said, yes I have. And I guess the reason I'm here is to find out what to do about it and they proceeded to tell me. One guy said, You go to four or five, six AA meetings a week. Another one said, Read and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And the old poot in the back of the room he said, Boy, I'm getting tired of telling you this. But he said sooner or later you're going to have to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand them if you want to stay sober. And again, I couldn't do those things. Absolutely could not. Nine months later, it became necessary for me to have a drink again. I wanted to feel better, knew no other way to feel better, took a drink, triggered the allergy, couldn't stop. This drunk was different. This drunk, after three, four, five, six weeks, when I drank myself all the way down and began to try to taper off, I found out I couldn'T taper off. I'd go get the beer to go with the vodka. The beer would do nothing for me. I would drink the vodka, I would pass out, I would wake up some four, five, six hours later shaking, trembling, sweating, swearing that I'd never take another drink as long as I lived and turn right around and take a couple of drinks and pass out. And this cycle went on and on and off. And the days began to stretch into weeks. And one day I realized that I was dying, dying from the disease of alcoholism. Thank God for my wife Barbara. Thank God für die Fellowship von Alenau. She left me to lay in the utility room until I reached my bottom. In fact, she helped me reach my bottom I'll never forget one day she looked in there and she said, Honey, you sick, aren't you? And I said, Yes, I am. She said, You got anything left to drink? And I says, No, I don't. And she said I'll be right back. And about an hour later she came in with 12 half pints of vodka all different flavors and said, Here, you want this more than you want anything else. and I always thought she did that out of the goodness of her heart today I realize that she had learned the sooner I get there the better and she helped me get there and she left me alone to do it and one morning I woke up to the full realization that I'm dying from the disease of alcoholism and I didn't want to die drunk and now I know I've got to die but I don't want to die drunk and I still don't want to Die Drunk Today and I never will forget I turned to my wife and I said Barbara I can't quit drinking I've got to have some help and I believe that's the first time in my life I ever asked for help that I can remember and she went to the phone and she called AA people Floyd was one of them and another guy and they came to me and they looked at me and they said my God we can't do anything with this guy if we try to sober him up he'll die sure as hell they said we've got put him in a hospital and Floyd turned to me and he said come on Charlie let's take a bath and clean up and we'll put you in the hospital and I said no boys I don't think I'm that bad. I said I believe I can do this my way and one turned to the other and said if that's the way he feels there's nothing we can do for him then and they said let's go home and Floyd left my house and he turned as he went out the door with tears in his eyes and he says Charlie call me, call me when you're ready and I laid there the rest of that day and toward toward the middle of the afternoon i knew i couldn't do anything about it and i got up in some way i got to the phone and i called floyd and he came and picked me up and he put me in the hospital and i woke up and at a hospital three or four five six days later i don't know how long don't knows what went on in that hospital while i was there i simply know that my arms were bruised when i came to myself i know that the nurses coming down the hall would not come in the room they would just stick their head in to see if i was all right I have no idea what transpired in that three or four or five or six days. But when I woke up in there, I wokeup in a place that I've never been before, not physically but in my head. I wokeupto the fact that I had been completely defeated by alcohol. For the first time in my life, I had found something that I could not control, could not manipulate, could not con, could not make it do what I wanted it to do, and alcohol had absolutely defeated me in a fair fight. and I knew that I couldn't live without drinking. And I knew that if I drank again, I was going to die from the disease of alcoholism and I didn't want to die that way and I did not know what in the world to do about it. And it came to mind what another old fellow had said. He said, If ever in complete desperation you don't know which way to turn and you don' t know what to do, he'd say try a little prayer. And I remember laying in that bed in the hospital saying, Do I dare pray? And my mind said, No, you don''t pray. My mind said, only weak people pray. Strong people like you are, Charlie, that stand on their own two feet, they don't pray. That's just for weak people. My mind says, well, hell, God wouldn't listen to you anyhow because of what you've been. And my mind said、Well, what are you going to do if you don't? And in a form, my mind says、Well,, what would it hurt to try? There's nobody in the room. Nobody will see you. So what would het hurt to trY? And finally, very reluctantly, I uttered a prayer. and the prayer itself was a false prayer. And this is how great my God is. I said, God, if there is a kind and a loving God, will you remove from me the obsession to drink alcohol? Now, I have no idea what happened that day. I didn't see any lights flash. I didn' t hear any bells ring. I didn''t feel any clean wind blow clear through. But the instant I uttered that prayer, I knew that I never had to take another drink of alcohol as long as I lived if I didn ''t want to. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, but I knew I didn' t have to drink anymore if I didn''t want to. And I got up and I left that hospital and I went back to the AA meeting at Siloam Springs and there they all stood and they had their hands sticking out and they said, Hello Charlie, how are you? Man, we're glad to see you back. Have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? I said, Yeah, I have. But this time I didn ''t ask them what to do about it. And they didn'' t tell me what to d about it." I started going to four or five or six AA meetings a week. I began to read and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. I began thank my God every morning when I woke up, and I began ask him to keep me sober for the rest of that day. And I began think him at night for helping me stay sober that day, and slowly, slowly, my life began to change. For the first time in my life, I found myself sober and not wanting to drink alcohol for the first since I was 14 years old. And as I read and studied my big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned some amazing things. In the doctor's opinion, that's where I started this time. In the Doctor's Opinion, I learned the exact nature of my illness. I learned that it's not weak will. I learned it is not lack of character. I learned there is a disease and it is a physical allergy of the body and it's an obsession of the mind. It's a very unique disease because most diseases do not incapacitate both the body and the mind And that's why it is so unique, and that's why it's so hard to do anything about. And I learned that since it is so unique involving both the body and the mind, then the only possible answer is through spirituality. You know, I learned in chapter 2 that in order for me to recover from my disease, I'm going to have to have not only the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm going to have a spiritual experience. And when I read the word spiritual experience, I almost threw the book down again. Because I'd seen those spiritual experiences in my Baptist church and I didn't want any of that kind of stuff. But thank God there was a little asterisk there in chapter two by the word spiritual experience. That asterik took me to the bottom of the page and it said, see appendix two in the back of the book. And I went to page 569 and I read what their definition of a spiritual experience is. I read that it is nothing more than a personality change sufficient to recover from the disease of alcoholism. And I can buy those terms. I can live with that. That's not some great theological thing way out here in the bushes somewhere. And I begin to see, in order for me to recover, that I would have to have that spiritual experience. In chapter 3, I begin TO SEE THE REAL INSANITY OF ALCOHOLISM. I begin To SEE THAT IT'S NOT THE THINGS I DO AFTER I'M DRUNK. THOSE THINGS ARE CAUSED BY A MIND THAT HAS BEEN SEDATED WITH ALCOHOLE. I begin to see the insanity referred to in step two is the state of the mind immediately preceding the first drink. You know, to be insane is simply to believe a lie. And always, just before I took the first drank, I believed that I could drink. In order for me to drink today, I would have to believe that I can drink. In order to me to drank today, I can't go into a liquor store and say, mister, I drank a quart of that stuff 16 years ago, almost 17, and it damn near killed me. How much would you charge me for another bottle of it today? I would have to go in that liquor store with the full knowledge that this time it's going to be okay. This time I'm not going to get drunk. This time it'll be different. And that's a lie for me as an alcoholic. That's the insanity of alcoholism. That's what I've got to be restored from. I found out in chapter 4 that it really isn't so difficult that in order for me to start a spiritual growth that the first thing I've got to do is just believe not know anything, just believe believe that there is a power greater than I am or even be willing to believe that there's a power bigger than I can and I'd always believed in God I knew that God could do whatever he wanted to do anytime he wanted I've always known there was a power greater than human power And I found out that all I've got to do in order to start my spiritual growth is just believe. Then I found that in order for me to do that, I'm going to have to make a decision. And I'm gonna have to decide between two facts. I'm gong to have decide between step one and two. You know, step one says I'm powerless over alcohol and my life's unmanageable. And in my book it says I have but one of two alternatives. One is to go on drinking to the bitter end, blotting it out to the best of my ability till I die, step 1. and the other is to accept spiritual help. Step two, came to believe that a power greater than ourself could restore us to sanity. And in step three I had to decide between those two choices. Do I continue doing it my way until I die or do I accept spiritual health that it talks about in step two? And I made a decision to let my God as I understand him direct my will which is my thinking and direct my life which is my actions. And I realize actions always follow thinking and all my trouble before it had been that I've had faulty thinking and the faulty thinkin' led to bad decisions and the bad decisions led to bad actions and screwed my life up royally and I thought now if God can direct my thinkin', then my decisions will be better and if my decisions are better, my actions are better and my life will be better. I realized also in the big book that in order for me to do that, that I would have to remove from me whatever blocked me off from God's will And I found out in step four that I'm going to need to take a personal inventory of the way that I think. You see, the only thing that blocks me off from God's will is the way I think today. And if I'm thinking right, then God's Will can come in. But if my thinking is screwed up and faulty today, then I have effectively blocked God out and God can't come in." And it said, "...I need to look at these things in the way they are." That's the way we think. And it says, "...I mean to look into the common manifestations of self." And it said that there's three common manifestations of self. One is anger, resentments. One is fear. And one is harms that I do to other people. And today I realize that's absolutely true. Show me a selfish, self-centered person and I'll show you one that's madder than hell all the time. The world isn't treating them right. Things aren't going right. People aren't doing what they want them to do. Show me an unselfish, self centered person and I'll show you one that runs on fear all the time. We don't know what's going to happen to us, but we know when it gets here it ain't going to be worth a damn. Show me a selfish, self-centered person and I will show you why it's always doing things to hurt other people. And my book says I need to look at these common manifestations of self because they're what blocks me off from God's will. And I took an inventory exactly like the big book says to take it. I listed my resentments and I analyzed them. I listed My fears and I analysed them. I listed the harms I had done to other people and I analyzed them and for the first time in my life I realized how anger and fear and the harms that I've done to others dominated my thinking and I realized if those aren't out of my life there's no way God can enter my mind thank God for the big book Alcoholics Anonymous it never leaves you hanging by yourself it told me how to get rid of resentments it toldmehowtogetridoffears and it tells me howtogetridoftheharms that I do to otherpeople so that I can get them out of my head and God can enter. I found the character defects and I asked God to take them away in steps six and seven. I used steps eight and nine to remove the fear and the guilt and the remorse that I felt in my relationship with other people because of the things I'd done in the past. Now, I just followed a simple procedure. In step two, I believed. In step three, I decided. In steps four through nine, I acted. And as the results of the action, then I got results and the results given to me in the big book are the promises and they come after the end of step nine. And I begin to experience the things talked about on page 83 and four. I began to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I did not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I begin the comprehend the word serenity and so on and so forth as the results of the actions that I had taken in steps four through nine. See, I'd always wanted the results but no action beforehand and the book said you can't do that said these promises you can have them they will always materialize if you work for them and i did the work and i got the promises and then i begin to use 10 11 and 12 as the book says to do it and if you use 10 11 and12 as the big book saysto do it they're not maintenance steps they are growth steps step 10 says our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness us and it said continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear and said when these crop up we ask god at once to remove them then we discuss them with someone immediately and then we make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone and i would defy anybody in the room to do that on a daily basis and stay the way you are you can't as you do that you're practicing steps four five six seven eight and nine in your life every day on a daily basis and you learn more about yourself your relationship with god becomes better and better your relationship with other people become better and better and you grow and you nothing can stay the same you can't maintain we use the term but it's a word that's false everything in this universe is either growing or it's dying it's progressing or regressing going forward or back human personality is the same way i can't stay the way i am at step nine i I can't maintain that. I'm going to grow further or I'm gonna begin to slide back. Step 11 says we sought through prayer and meditation to improve not maintain to improve our conscious contact with God as I understand him and it blows my mind today to think about this. You know there's books in this world that are literally thousands of pages to teach you how to develop a spiritual life. Bill Wilson had the ability in two and a half pages through some simple suggestions to lay out a spiritual life for you and I. And I find that if I practice these suggestions in my big book, in step 11, that I begin to develop a spiritual life and I come closer and closer and closer to God as I understand Him. Bill referred twice in the big book once in his story and once in chapter 2 about a fourth dimension of existence. I really believe in the first nine steps we get right into three dimensions that are common to mankind. The spirit, the mind and our relationship with other people but in 10 11 and 12 we are rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence that we never dreamed was there you know my relationship with god today as i understand him is something that i never thought any human being could have in step 12 i had the final promise in the big book you know the greatest promise of all having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. That's a promise. Having had a spiritual awakening as the results of these steps, spiritual awakening is a personality change sufficient to recover from the disease of alcoholism. That's all it is. And I believe today that my personality has changed. I'm no longer a selfish individual. I'm no longer self-seeking, dishonest human being. I am no longer an inconsiderate human being. I'm an entirely different person than I was 15 or 16 years ago. If I wasn't, I would keep on doing those things I used to do. I don't do those things anymore. I very seldom lie anymore. Hell, I haven't been in a divorce court in 16, 17 years. You know, I don'T steal very much anymore. I'M AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT HUMAN BEING THAN I USED TO BE. THEREFORE, SINCE I DON'T DO THOSE THINGS, THEN I'M NO LONGER RESTLESS, irritable and discontent my mind is no longer filled with shame fear guilt and remorse because i'm not doing the things that i used to do and after having received the spiritual awakening that i'm charged with a responsibility of carrying this message to the alcoholic that still suffers this message is very simple the message that you and i have to give to other people is the spiritual awakening contained in the first 11 steps of alcoholics anonymous having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. We can take our information and we can do for others what Floyd did for me. We can sit down with them and by talking about our disease, we can get their interest. By talking about the fact that we had to find a power greater than we were, we can gets their interest By talking abut the practical program of action as we had apply it in our life, we can show him what he needs to do. And then that person can apply that action and we can walk with him as he applies it and then he can have a spiritual awakening also and then He can carry the message to those who still suffer. One more thing and then I'm going to quit. In 1939, when the big book Alcoholics Anonymous was printed, published and put out for the public, there was 100 people in an unnamed fellowship. These 100 people sometimes called themselves the drunk squads of the Oxford groups. They had no name whatsoever. These 100 People decided to name this book Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, the first AlcoholicsAnonymous was the big book AlcoholicAnonymous. These 100people who had been unnamed up until that time then began to call themselves Alcoholics Anonymous from the title of their book, Alcoholics Anonymous. So we can see in 1939 there was two Alcoholics anonymses. One was a book that contained a program of recovery. The other was a fellowship that had used that program of recovery. And the program and the book and the program in the fellowship were exactly the same. Now, in those days, my book tells me that 50% of the people that came to the fellowship and used that program recovered immediately. And it said of those that did not recover and went back to drinking, shortly thereafter 25% came back in and recovered. So it was evident when the program and the book and the fellowship were the same, their recovery rate was 75%. Now, as time went by and the fellowship began to grow and get bigger and bigger and people began to stay sober more and more on fellowship, the fellowship did to our program what people always do. They begin to change it. And the program in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is no longer the same as it is in the book. The program has changed in the scholarship. You know, we hear such statements as all you got to do is just keep coming to meetings and everything will be all right. Well, your statements that say if you come long enough you'll soak it up by osmosis and you'll be okay. I damn near died from the disease trying to soak itup by osmosis. In the fellowship we've developed programs such as birthdays. In the scholarship we've developped programs such as 90 meetings in 90 days. Now, I don't see anything wrong with 90 meetings and 90 days but that does not make you a recovered alcoholic. You know, you can go to the Parent Teachers Association you can go to 90 meetings in 90 days and that ain't going to make you a parent. You have to go through a process. You've got to change in order to become a parent in order for you to recover from the disease of alcoholism. You've gotta change your personality sufficient to recover. Now today, sometimes I go to AA meetings and I wonder where I am because they're not talking about the program in the book. They're talking about a fellowship program. Today I wonder what the percentage of recovery is. Is it 50% anymore? Is it 25%? Is it 20%? No. As far as we can determine today, it's less than 20%. I just wonder if our fellowship would get the same program that the first 100 used, which is still in our book, by the way. It's never been changed. I just wander if our scholarship, if we would go back to that program, if we could not expect a better recovery rate than we're experiencing today. You know, this is the responsibility of the old-timers in AA. And I think in our zeal to help people, I think we've been playing a numbers game. I think they've been trying to get thousands and thousands and thousands of people into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what are we doing about their recovery program? Are we showing them what they're going to need to do? Are we taking them into the book? Are we helping them understand the steps? I think that's the job of the Old-Timer, and I think that's the responsibility of the old-timers in AA. If our fellowship fails, it's not going to be because of those new people coming to AA. It's going to me because we older members have refused to accept our responsibility. We're letting new people who are the sickest of the sickests determine what our program is going to become. In our fear of running them off, we've watered our program down until it's meaningless in many cases. We don't want to talk about God. We're afraid we'll run a newcomer off. My sponsor said, don't worry about talking about God. He said, hell, if God runs him off whiskey, he'll run him right back in here every damn time. And I believe that today. I could go on and on and On and talk about this great fellowship, about this Great Program. And as I said in the beginning, if to be an AA fundamentalist is to love the fellowship of AA, if it's to love the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and the program contained therein if it is to love your God as you understand him then certainly today I'm an AA fundamentalist because this is the only thing that saved my life and it's the only things that allows me to be where I am today thank you all for letting me be here