The 5 a.m. Meditation That Made Her Miserable – Maya M.

Thank you. I'm Maya, and I'm an alcoholic addict. Hi, everyone. My sponsor, Alice, was going to give this talk today, but she's not here in permanence. It's very hard to be here without her, but her husband, Craig, is very sick, and she wanted me to tell everybody how much she treasures this and how sad she is that she couldn't be with us. And I just ask you, if you can, to hold both of them in your hearts when you think of them. So what I'm talking about this morning is how do you stay with your experience? How do you say in the moment, particularly when the moment feels like you're stuck in muck and that is how I come to you today just stuck in muck and Judith often times talks about burning karma so I feel as if the last few months I've been burning karma and stuck in monk, and I feel at times like there's a pressure cooker that's just about to explode. And so how do you be with that and then come back to the cushion? And also, how do you build capacity to stay with the feelings that are in your karma, in the monk? So that's what I'm going to talk about today, meditating and staying in meditation and then staying with feelings and the mindfulness of feelings and being able to trust that feelings release themselves when at times it feels like they just won't. And like Judith has said, what this does and what it has done for me is that it helps me hold the capacity to hold negative emotions and um and if i don't continue to build that capacity i will use i i um going i was a heroin addict so using heroin again it's been 20 years um since i've used heroin drugs alcohol but um now my go-to way of checking out lately has been with food. Maybe overworking, overreading, just keeping busy. And when I reflect on the steps and what they've meant to me in my life, it is a way that it's just instructions on how I live my life because up until I was 28, I didn't have instructions. I didn't have a spiritual practice. I had no faith in myself. I had very little capacity to hold any sort of uncomfortableness. I had experienced trauma. So meditating and Staying with my feelings is like step 10 to me. It's a way that I continuously can take personal inventory, and also it's away I practice step 11, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact. So last year I spoke on right effort, and as I prepared for that, what I realized is how inconsistent my practices and also how inconsistent I can be in people's lives. And the one thing that I'm still processing is how important it is for me that people trust me because before I was untrustworthy, I would really intend to show up. I would really intend to be with your friend, but the minute things became uncomfortable, I left. So either I left physically or I left using drugs and alcohol. So building trust has been a very important part of my recovery. And so last time I spoke upon about right effort, and I thought, and there's a, above the Han, there's phrase there that is like wake up, you know, you have one precious life, wake up to it. And I really, those words that time struck me. Everything in the Zendo at one time or another like strikes me and I take that home. So I thought okay, this is it. I'm going to build a meditation practice that's disciplined and I'm going to be committed. I'm growing my spirituality and I did that. I did it for the year and I was even doing a little bit prior to that and so my morning consists of, before checking my email, I do a 20-minute meditation. I have an altar in my office. I do a writing practice that I developed through doing the artist's way. So I do three pages of writing, and then I also do some sort of body work, mostly yoga. And I told myself I was going to be on the cushion at 5 o'clock every morning, and I did that, and I was miserable. I was so miserable, but I kept doing it because I can endure the pain, and I thought, what the heck? What am I doing? And then I listened to one of Judith's tapes, and this is not about causing pain in your life. And so I just altered it. I tweaked it a little bit, and I said, you know, I'm going to be on the cushion and do a writing and some kind of body work between the hours of 5 a.m. and 8 a.м., and that worked, and i continued to do that. And I felt really good, and l was writing again, and creativity was flourishing, and I had these brilliant ideas and I was able to kind of narrow down how I wanted to show up in the world, what kind of work I wanted to do, how I'm going to structure my I guess I just kept sinking deeper and deeper and so like the intellect I began to know truths in my body and sinking into my body has always been really difficult for me so and I see oh and what happened then I would always battle with this oh by I don't know how to frame it but I no longer wanted to look at myself as a self-improvement project. And I wanted to be able to grow more comfort in my skin. I wanted it to be okay with my story, with my life. I wanted to express my story to others and sitting and journaling were uncovering many things that I had forgotten and also like love of loves of mine. And one thing that, um, when I, after I, um. Left Chicago and went to treatment here. Um, I went back to school eventually and got a degree in journalism and I started, um., and it was hard to get back into the U because my grades were so lackluster when I left. And so I just was persistent and I said, let me take one class and let me take another class. And I became like a straight A student and I was one of those students that you hated having in your class because I made everybody else work just as hard, but I was an older student. But anyway, but all along there was this doubt in my head like do you deserve this? If they only knew and I have to fight with that still constantly. So starting to write again brought back this passion, I guess, I have. But what also happened during this time of intense meditation and writing practice in yoga is that practicing actually ramped up my habitual self-denigration. Those are not my words, but I found these words. And I became more aware of my character defects, my neuroses, habitual patterns, traits. And I started feeling like less and less good about myself. And instead of taking time to maybe process these things, I started doing more. So I took more writing classes at the loft. I, um, I started doing more yoga classes. Um, and I was looking for relief and there wasn't any. And so, um what happened was that I became to be more and more angrier and this defiance came back with a vengeance. So during that time, as a commitment to my spirituality, I decided to start learning about Buddhism formally through Jukai classes here at Clouds. And And so I met with Judith to talk about that, and we sat down and I said, you know what, I can't seem to meditate like I used to be able to, and it's so hard. And she said, well, have you stopped? And I said no, I'm still continuing to do it. But I don't think I expressed to her fully how awful it was. It was to the point where I would sit down and And I would become so uncomfortable that I would like walk right out of a meditation. And I didn't know what was going on with me and what was happening in my life was that I had made this commitment, and Judith yesterday talked about Mara coming in. And so you're practicing and Mara comes in with war and so I was attaching to this anger and she came in with doubt and doubt that I'm worthy of all these new endeavors that I am taking on, and I was. And so through, I had made a decision that I was going to change the work I was doing and to work more creatively, and that I was going to build like a home freelance practice. And I started doing that, and I started making money doing that. And during the same time, my partner, who is now my husband, we've been together for 22 years, but he managed a music club in Minneapolis which sold. and so I then became like the breadwinner or however you want to frame it in the family and I was like, oh shit. So I'm like how am I going to do and Rob made a decision to go back to school to get a master's degree and he also is a recovering heroin addict and these changes were huge and this is what we always have wanted And we actually, a few years ago, sold our home so we could do things that we loved and so we Could be more generous in the world and so We could have time for meditation and travel, et cetera. So I make a commitment to Rob that, yes, I'm going to take on more of the responsibility of supporting us. Well, when it comes to money and work, I have tremendous shame around that. And once again, with jobs I've had, when things got rough, I had a wonderful job after journalism school. I couldn't believe it. I was like an assistant editor, and my sponsor actually wrote for the publication where I was editing at, and I was, like, wow, I have this job. I can't believe It. And the editor was, well, you know, I don't know if she didn't like me, but she really had abusive language or whatever, and I was like, well, I'll show her. I'll quit, and that's what I did. And it was during a time when the entire industry was changing And I lost all faith that I could compete with other people or that I had the skills to write like all the journalists that were out of work. And so luckily, I had a sponsor and she reached out to me and said, you need to be able to sit with the discomfort of people at work not liking you. You need to learn how to create boundaries. You have to take risks and all these things that I just didn't want to sit with. And so she brought me to the Zen Center in Minneapolis to the meeting that Judith started 10 years ago, and it was there I started really sitting with discomfort, and this was maybe five years ago. And I worked through many of these issues, but so here I am five years later, and once again the shame comes back and it comes back with a vengeance. And so I promised Rob that he can rely on me, that I will work while he goes to school, but I'm just crumbling. And what happens then is that I collapse into the shame because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do and then I hide and I don't want anybody to notice this But luckily, I have a sponsor now I can reach out to. I have a Buddhist teacher I can reach out too. And having that support I'm more able to sit with what arises. When I later approached Judith and told her everything that was happening and I said, you know, I'm still continuing to sit and it was painful and she said, and I told her what was going on and she says, well have you considered doing a walking meditation if you need to move your body, walk and I'm like, no and then she said well have You considered maybe listening to Jack Kornfield and Loving Kindness so I got the tape and then She told me when you think of a problem situation in your head or a relationship and you're trying to figure it out, and that's what your meditation is about. Surround it with a sphere of compassion and then bring it into your body. And so one of my first, second clients as I was doing creative work decided that it was okay not to pay me. And I took it so personally. And, you know, I knew better, but still it was like, well, this gentleman has money, he's not paying me, what's wrong with me? You know, what did I do wrong? Blah, blah, blah. And, you know, shame, shame, shame. If I was just stronger, if I was able to articulate myself better, if I did this, if i did that, and made it all about me. This is the self-centeredness that we talk about. But it was painful because it really touched upon the old wounds so I was doing a meditation of course he was coming up in my head and my sponsor said just with graciousness keep reminding him that he owes you money and so I did I really did that and I tried to take him and to put him into my heart and he just was not going there and I tried and tried and tried and I was reminded of the humanness and the humanity of all of us and I also was reminded of, I don't know if it was Thich Nhat Hanh or Pema Chodron or somebody that said if we only knew one another's stories we would not hold the capacity to hate or to think of me and him as separate it and all those things. And so, you know, from all the teachings, from do this voice and my sponsor's voice and all my friends in AA, little by little I began to forgive and then all of a sudden it became like, I'm just going to get the money that he owes me. like, that's just it. That's what I'm going to do. And I grew like a little bit. And then with another client who told me that I was just a designer and I, I mean, I, like the universe put the most difficult clients in my life as I started growing this business. So, you know, you're just a design. Oh my, I'll make room for you because you're the most important thing in my life like this condescending language like do you have problems communicating with your husband and I'm like uh-uh the communication did not break down with me this is what happened and you know and so I really started like standing up for my for myself and building a voice but um I put a big sign over my computer that said gentleness like to be gentle what and I was thinking why don't i have the capacity to turn gentleness to myself when i meditate or when i'm out in the world when i had a really um uh emotionally strong interaction with my client um i just this overwhelming emotions came over me i i just wanted to cry and i stopped myself i'm like this is professional. I'm not going to cry over this. And I'm like, uh-uh, gentleness. And I cried. And the reason I think that it's so hard to turn gentleness toward ourselves is because we're tapping into old wounds. It wasn't me as a 47-year-old woman crying. It was me as child crying. And I held myself and I was like, okay, I'm going to and this is what comes out of mindfulness practice, is the ability to notice a strong emotion and not push it down and to feel it and to take a moment for yourself and to embrace yourself and say you know what honey i have your back i have you're okay you're going to be okay and i let it pass i let the emotion pass and i continued to work and i met the deadlines and when i ran into this client um you know he was abusive for a long time until i put down really strong boundaries and was able to say, this is not okay. This is not okay by me. And that took a lot for me to say. I was worried about money. Iwas worried about the commitment I had to Rob. Iworried about losing. But more so, I was worried about my commitment to my spiritual practice which I've been learning through Jigay practices about sitting upright and being okay with myself and growing that little inch um by honoring myself and how am i doing on time pretty good um so the old pattern i would have left this um client and my growing business and my commitment to rob I would have ran another thing that happened too what came to my mind this is the enemy and this is me once again that separateness and I knew that didn't feel right and that's also what I've learned from mindfulness practice I can't deceive myself for very long I mean the truth is just there so I saw this client out in a less professional setting and and I saw his humaneness you know I saw him hunched over and carrying the weight of the world and on his shoulders and even though his behavior was not appropriate I was able to feel compassion for him not to say that how he conducted himself in business was appropriate or the yelling or the temper tantrums, but to say he's a human, but I can hold myself upright even when I'm with an individual that maybe is really needy. I don't have to acquiesce, I don t have to be less than. Let s see. So one of the greatest gifts of mindfulness is I m learning to be gentle with myself and I then can be gentle with others. It has to start with me, and I'm very mindful about words. Yesterday we talked about swearing and stuff. Oh my God, I used to swear like a sailor with Tourette's, but I no longer do that. I have a friend, and in his email it says, Be as clear as today's day and communicate with clarity. Communicate through an upright place. Also, I have learned, and this just came, has been coming like organically, and I'm so grateful for this, but I learned the significance of the pause. so also in the past few months I decided that I wanted to be and to work in some capacity with addicts and this was an insight that I had 20 years ago when I was kicking dope at Hazelden that in the future somehow I will work but at that time I didn't even want to look at it I was like no, I just want to get away from this whatever but so I decided to revisit that and that was something that came out of my writing so miraculously this job at a treatment a non-clinical treatment center opened up and these doors just opened open opened and I now work at a treatment center with women and my natural tendency is if you come to me with a problem I'm going to, like, help you the best I can without thinking about, you know, what is best in the situation. What is best for you? What is better for me? What are my boundaries? What are your boundaries? But sitting zazen has taught me the importance of the pause. So, and just trusting that what is the next right thing to do will come, but will emerge. And when it's been really interesting being yesterday when somebody said about alcohol in the hand sanitizer and I said don't drink at anybody, that really came from my work at the treatment center because we take away people, or we hold people's hand sanitizers. We hold hair conditioners, anything with the slightest bit of alcohol, we hold in the office and then the women come to get it. And I'm like, to me it felt so disrespectful, but I remember myself at that time and how I wanted to escape every nuance. And when I think about my capacity to hold anything compared to now, it's like night and day. So I find myself in muck. I find myself working through shame, working through fear, working through doubt. If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I felt fear or shame, I would have told you no. I'm not afraid of anything. I am a junkie from the street. What I did, I did to myself blah blah blah no it's it's something that i never would have like admitted to and um and i'm i'm working with those things on a deeper level and thank god i have community thank god i have teachers and my sponsor um and i have the 12 steps i have buddhist principles and i learn and i am clumsy and today sometimes i feel like a toddler without my sponsor here And I'm like, oh my God. But it's okay. It's okay, I worked through the discomfort of having to talk today. I was scared, I wasn't prepared and I'm okay. And I thank all of you so much from the bottom of my heart. We have about 15 more minutes. I'm going to shut this down ok