The 5 a.m. Meditation That Made Her Miserable – Maya M.

About This Speaker Tape

5:00 a.m. on the cushion, and she was miserable. Maya M. spent a year forcing a disciplined meditation practice only to find herself stuck in the muck, feeling like a pressure cooker about to explode. A former heroin addict, Maya describes the grit of returning to school as an older student with lackluster grades, fighting a constant internal voice asking if she deserved her success. She speaks of the "habitual self-denigration" that flared up during her spiritual practice, bringing back old wounds and a deep, biting shame regarding money and work.

Through the guidance of her Higher Power and a Buddhist teacher, Maya shifted from treating herself as a self-improvement project to practicing gentleness. She recounts the friction of dealing with abusive clients and the necessity of the pause. By sitting with the discomfort instead of checking out through food or overworking, she moved from the street-junkie armor of her past to a place where she can now work with women in treatment.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Maya M. opens by acknowledging the absence of her sponsor, Alice A.
• 2:15 Maya M. discusses her history as a heroin addict and her current struggle with food and overworking as ways of checking out.
• 3:40 Mention of Step 10 (personal inventory) and Step 11 (prayer and meditation) as tools for staying with feelings.
• 6:10 Maya M. describes the misery of trying to force a 5 a.m. meditation practice before learning to be gentle with herself.
• 9:30 Laughter: Maya M. reflects on her time as a high-achieving but anxious journalism student.
• 13:15 Maya M. discusses the financial pressure of becoming the breadwinner while her husband, Rob R., returns to school.
• 17:40 Maya M. describes the 'sphere of compassion' technique for dealing with a client who refused to pay her.
• 21:10 Maya M. recounts a breakdown with an abusive client and the importance of the 'gentleness' sign over her computer.
• 25:30 Maya M. discusses the 'significance of the pause' and her new role working at a treatment center for women.
• 28:00 Maya M. reflects on the difference between her 'junkie from the street' persona and her current capacity to hold shame.