The 180-Degree Turn From Old Ideas – Pete P.

How it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has surely followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are such unfortunates. They're not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They aren't actually incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. But many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go Absolutely. Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took which I suggested as a program of recovery. 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 4. Made his searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, admit it to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except to do so would injure them or others 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Many of us explained, What an order! I can't go through with this. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make fair three pertinent ideas. A. that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives B. that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism C. that God could and would if he were sought I was asked last Sunday by somebody and I told him to share it with the secretary and they group and call me and they didn't call me but last night I texted you better be there so I hope this isn't upsetting to you but I'll try and go through this chapter this portion of chapter 5 and kind of explain how it works for Pete as they told me when I came in here and you know you go to many many meetings and you'll hear somebody say It works. I don't know how it works, I just read it to you. And you better damn well know how it work. It's read at every meeting. It is in Arizona, I don' t know about up here, but most of them I went to they read it. So you better dam well know how it works. In the first paragraph alone it mentions honesty three times. It says be honest with themselves. That's with you. They are such unfortunate, they are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They're naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." And I thought coming in here that I was a smart guy and I knew what every... you know, knew these words. And they threw them up to him and they said, we don't give a damn what you stole. We don't care what you done or what trouble you got into, just don't come in here and keep conning yourself. Get honest with yourself because you're not going to con us. But for Christ's sake, get honest with yourself. Take a look at yourself. Then it goes on to say our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. And that means when you go to a meeting and you're asked to speak at a meeting or do a speaker's meeting, you don't have to go on every detail of every junk that you started on and go through that and then the next one in a generalway. And probably we were all pretty crummy if you're an alphaholic. What happened, we probably got too sick and tired of being sick, and somebody gave us a shove through that door. And what it's like now, and I'd rather talk about today what it's like today than what it used to be like. That's what you do. If you did, it says right up to this point if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. Up to this point, you ain't even ready. until you're willing to go to any length. Now, this means whatever it takes, whether it takes changing a job, if you think it is, or maybe you think maybe it's your family, whatever it is to have sobriety. And then they said, but don't make a major decision like this until you've been sober one year. At least one year because you've got to get honest and take an honest look at it. Was it the boss? Is it the mate? Is it my kids? What is it? And take a look and it's probably you. so get honest before you make these decisions maybe you need a separation or something like that but don't make a major decision Jesus I had problems that's what it is talking about but willing to go to any length and it takes honesty it says we thought we could find a softer easier way but we could not now that don't only mean for alcoholism they said that means in everything that you do today quit starting to take that easy way I'll do it tomorrow and throw it over here keep that up and boy you got a pile of crap and it hits you all at once and you wonder where in the hell am I gonna go now do it now quit that life we used to man throw that stuff over there face your problems right now that's what it means and also with your alcoholism quit looking and what the hell are you looking for they said what the heck are you looking for it's all right here if you listen take the cotton out of your ears and stuff it in your mouth When your mouth's open, you can't hear a damn thing. And I started doing it, listening. And it is all right here. Just think of the people that have copied this program so you don't get it anyplace else but right here." Then it says down here, some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas And the result was nil until we let go, absolutely. And that was Pete's problem. Geez, he wanted this here in AA. And he also wanted these old ideas, you know, them old ideas ringing around and it just don't work. It just don'T work. Because I was in trouble, serious trouble with my old ideas. You got to get rid of them. Make a 180-degree turn from point A to point B, and if you go past point B you're coming back to A again. So you get right straight across. Get rid of them. Make a 190-degree turns. Start working on yourself. Change yourself. And remember we deal with alcohol. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Well, I should have known that years ago. But every damn time I got in jail or got in trouble, and it was plenty of times, believe this alcoholic, I never looked at alcohol. I'd wonder how that happened to a nice guy like me. Never once did I look at alcohol, I've never been in jail. I haven't really been in serious trouble. Of course, I thought they were serious, but it wasn't serious since I've been in AA. So alcohol was causing a lot of problems with me and my old ideas. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care was complete abandon. When you come in here, make that turn and ask. Ask! We all need help. We all need help." And I said, I don't need it. And, you know, for years I said I don t need nobody. Said, You re going to someday. I said ,I don t need nobody, but we do. And half measures, just halfway, just isn t going to get it. you either go all the way or it ain't gonna work and then here it says here are the stats we took and that meant these people that were staying sober that wrote this book these hundred people that sat down to write this book and put this program together were staying sober, and they took these steps. It says so here. Here are the steps we took. And then they had a big argument from there on. That was what was going to stop it. And then they decided, which are suggested as a program of recovery because you don't tell an alcoholic. What it means, they said, is if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then we'll give you this program and you damn well better take them if you want it and if you don't that's up to you it's your decision but the people are staying sober done these say and there's no cafeteria on the steps you don' believe it ask George when Bill Wilson called him in his office, George D. from Phoenix, and he said, By God, when you say cafeteria, you qualify it. There's no cafeteria with these steps. It's one, two, three, and right on down. There's not a cafeteria. You either do it or you don't. And if you don' t, you're going to be in trouble. so when you say cafeteria that means when take whatever you want out of somebody else's story but not the steps we admitted we were step one we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable well hell I knew I had trouble with alcohol years before I came in here I admitted it never accepted it Never. Acceptance. Be honest. It takes honesty to work every step. That our lives had become unmanageable, and I said, oh, mine, you know, I'm manageable. I've done a beautiful job in my life. Look what it got me. I'm here. Man. Wheelchair. Three weeks to live when I came in here. Ain't that beautiful? And I thought I could manage my life, but now I'm sober and I'm in trouble and I don't know what the hell the problem is. He said, Pete, this is one step, one step. The first step is the only one that you can take 100%. The rest of them you may flutter a little bit on because you're not ever going to be a saint. But with one smidgen of doubt in your mind, if you only take this 98%, 99%, that little bit back here that you're holding is going to get you drunk someday. But if you accept this 100%, you've got a chance. And at that point I knew I was in trouble and I accepted this fact that my life had became unmanageable and I was powerless over this alcohol. Man, alcohol just had me. That was my God. That's what I turned to. But I accepted that. And finally after, and I hope and pray that none of you fight this like I did. There's no need of it. But I fought it all the way. I had a mouth and they'd jump right down my throat. I'd do it. They'd say, is there? Who are you? I'd say, I'm Pete. I'm an alcoholic. They said, that's all you know. Sit down and shut up. That was the truth. I sat there, and I shut up." Bob, one night, a poor old, God bless him, one-armed, got up, and he tapped me on the nose right across the table like that. And he said, you keep your mouth shut. We all know how to get drunk. We want to know if you can stay sober. I rode with him to the meeting that night and we got out in the parking lot and I tapped him on the shoulder and I said, Bob, are you listening? Yeah. He said, I'm only going to tell you once. You ever do that again and I'll knock your goddamn head off. He said, well, he said, it doesn't make you feel any better to hit a one-armed old man go right ahead. Geez, I felt about that big and got in the car with them two old bastards and they laid it on me all the way home. But there's a key to every step. It takes honesty to work them. The key to the second step is came to believe. Came to believe. I didn't have nothing to believe in. Hell, I'd forgot about God years ago. I'd taken catechism and everything. But that's the key. I came to believe, believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I don't know how many times I heard it going to meetings. And all at once it hit me. A guy said one night he was standing up at the podium him and he said, 85% of your problems is right up here. 15% was alcohol. And I said, by God, that's what's wrong with me. I'm crazy. Now, I didn't have anything else to restore me to power but you people. And they said, man, if that's it, I'll hang on to the group. I'll use you. And Bill says we can for a while. So I had to. I didn' t have nothing else. And I came, and I prayed that you would restore me to sanity because I knew I was insane. My thinking, oh, screwy thinking. The third step is made a decision. Made a decision? I hadn't made one for years. Thought I had. Take a look at yourself. You think you made a decision. I hadn' t made a decisio n for years i thought i was making them at home but i found out after i got sober i hadn't been making any decisions i can help today they asked me and i can make decisions because the third step tells me i can't make a decision but it said to turn our will in our lives over to the care of god is we understood him as we understood him and I finally became willing willingness I became willing to be teachable and to learn I became willing that's what it's about become willing to do it and I became willing and I do have a higher power today that I understand I understand in, was forced, that says, made a searching and fearless moral, moral inventory of ourselves. Well, I done a beautiful job of that. I took my wife's inventory, and geez, there was a lot wrong with her. And then I thought, well, I better put a few little things down, but I don't know, find three little things wrong with me. She was in the problem. But then I started crossing a few off of hers and adding them on to me. And I thought I'd done a beautiful job. And I said, I'm ready. You got a few hours, we'll go up to the river and we'll set. I didn't want nobody to hear this. And so I took old Bob up there and we sat down. And every once in a while he would say, I can't hear you. Well, I didn't want him to, for God's sake. But he was so hard of hearing, and so I blasted off. When I got through, he said, well, Pete, if that's all that's bothering you, he said let's just go back to town and forget it and get on with the program. So geez, I thought I'm ready for step six now. And I was in trouble. Because out of this inventory that I took, I took it the most immoral inventory there was because during my drinking days is all I could think about. The rest of the time, nothing. So what I came out of this with was I had one character defect and that was alcohol. I drank alcohol. And now everything ought to be all right. Now I was rid of that. So I called up one day and I said, well, I'm in trouble. The six-step ain't working. He said, why in the hell don't you take a moral inventory. Who do you think you are? You took the most immoral inventory I ever seen. And Jesus made me mad, I hung up. But moral means honest. And I hadn't been honest, I didn't know what it meant. And I finally took he said they finally sat me down and they said Pete, you're operating like you did before you ever took a drink. That's your damn problem. And if you You would just take a look at yourself before you started drinking. Booze is just irrigating your character defects. So I took a look at myself. It took me some time and I got a good, honest, moral inventory down. And I found out, and it scared the living hell out of me. And then I found out the reason that these steps was written. You better damn well have a higher power sitting right here when I took it. But I found out that I was a jealous person. I had ego, resentment, anger, and the one that shocked me the worst, because I never was a selfish person. Gee whiz, I wasn't selfish. I foundout I was selfish.I'd been selfish all my life. Everything had to rob around Pete. He was king. He was king, and everybody better do what he said, and when I done anything for anybody, I had to find this out. It was for selfish reasons. It was to make Pete look good. If I throwed money in a collection they were taking for a hardship family, I washed everybody down around the bar and everything, see how much it was throwing in. And I'd top them. And I'd make damn sure that everybody saw it. I'd wave it right out there, you know, and I'd throw it in, probably throw a 20 in everybody else. If somebody threw in 10, I'd probably throw in a 10, 20. And you know what they said? I said, oh boy, well, they think I'm a big shot. And then I'd leave, you known that. But you know probably what they He said, you see that bastard? He told that 20-year-old, and he can't even afford to buy the kids bread. But I'd done it for people to think I was a big shot. Moral means honest. You see, honest is in every step. Honesty. Be honest. And take a good look at yourself. Then, it says, and it tells you in the big book, you can wait a little while or in his bill season, they told me never memorize anything always look to that because i memorized the lord's prayer and i remember i decreed and i memorized all that and didn't know what it meant but if you do say i think but it's either in the big book or as when bill sees it he said you can wait a while you can postpone this a while you can say the right person ain't out there but not too long because he's out there he's committed to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact natures of our wrongs our wrong and so I did that and that's a great step believe me that's how great it's great today because we can give it to god and to another human being if i got something bothering me i can call dick and say uh meet me at the coffee shop and then knowing dick he'd probably beat me there wondering where the hell i was at to buy him a cup of coffee and i dump my problems on him and god hears them and then i walk out whether he realized it or not and i leave them. I don't drag them out the door. Give it to another human being and to God and leave it there. We were ready in the sixth step. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Now I knew what they were, and I asked him to help me. I'm going to have most of my character defects until I die, but I do know them and I ask for help. Anger is a bad one. Boy, I got that short temper, but it's gotten a lot better than it used to be. I haven't killed anybody for quite a while or, you know, had that urge to kill. That was my first urge, kill. Well, it ain't quite that bad, but I do, you know, and I've got to get her back under control, which is better. But the worst one is self. Get yourself the hell out of the way. Selfishness. I've gotta watch that because I like to run things. Ego, eh, a little. Jealousy, I don't have hardly any of that anymore you know there's a few of these that pretty well under control i think but that old self and anger man i worked on that i have to ask god many many times help please help me help me and i humbly asked him to help us or humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Humbly. You know, I'd never been...you know what that humble meant? It was something for somebody to walk on. That ain't what it means. I remember them telling me how ungrateful I was. Pete, you're the most ungrateful SOB I've ever seen. You're the most unglateful SOB around. I said, what are you talking about? I thank everybody. They said, you thanked everybody when you was drunk. That ain't what it is. Gratitude, gratitude. Get down on your knees, they said. Get down On Your Knees and thank God for each and every one of us. Quit thanking us and ask God. Thank him for each and every one of us. Who do you think Bill and Dr. Bob thanked? They thanked God for his program. and I said, nobody's ever going to put me on my knees. Nobody. And I walked out of that meeting that night and I got out in the car and I says, Pete, you ain't learned a damn thing. You're as dishonest as you ever was. John Ballycorn had you on your knees every morning and you're heading that commode. Made nothing but a commode inspector out of you and you tell them people that. so I got home and I hadn't prayed for years I didn't know what to say you know, really what you call pray and I said I got down on my knees that's the time they were sitting in the living room I walked through, I said hi went in the bedroom, closed the doors I got done on my knee I was by the bed and I says God if it's thy will let this alcoholic surrender let him become willing to listen and to learn and the power to carry that out and it got easier for me to get on my knees got easier we aren't doormats it's how we go about things today you don't fly into somebody's office and not find out what the explanation was it's the way you do things today humbly ask to get down made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I did that one. I got down to the eighth step. And I got that list done, and I made amends. I didn't always get the reaction that I thought I should. But I'm willing. There's a few that I haven't, But, you know, the ninth step says make direct, direct demands to set people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. That means I got to do it. I can't ask Tex to go to Dick and apologize or make amends to Dick for what Pete done. I got the job. I got a job to do. And I used to dump that onto my wife. You do it you call him and tell him i'm sorry for something you know i can't do that anymore i got to do it and i also they said and this is when i needed a sponsor talk it over with us because you may get in trouble you may not owe that person you may think you do but maybe you don't talk it over with your sponsor see what he says or she says see what they say you may Notch they said lot of them I thought I owed amends to. They said, you don't owe them any amends. Man, you paid for all that province while you was drinking. You don't know that many amends they couldn't remember it anyway but if you owe money you sure do owe them amends you better go and see if you can't get that straightened out but do it don't be we're not easy on ourselves we don't hurt other people the tenth step continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it that means right now to this alcoholic your daily inventory you know, you'll hear that a lot I took a daily inventory that's fine but this alcoholic don't want to hurt all day so I promptly do that and then at night I'd take a look at the day, take a little ending drawing, see if I missed anything. But I can't hurt all day. Now, if you want to hurt all Day, that's okay. You know, you can do it that way. But it says promptly, and I have to do it. Sometimes I don't owe somebody else. Sometimes I have just back off and take a Look at Pete, you know, and say, Look, buddy, sit down and have a cup of coffee and do a little meditating here and things work out pretty good. I can go right back and go to work and I can make mistakes. Found out I'm human. Thought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. His will. Now don't use that as a cop-out. It must have been his will, they said. take an honest look, take an honest look. Was it? Probably yours. If you're in trouble, it probably was your will and you can't use it anymore as a cop-out. And boy, I sure tried that a lot, you know, when I'd get in trouble. I said, it must have been God's will. He said, was it? Take an honest look. And the power to carry that out. That means I'm going to have to do it, but with his guidance and guidance I can do it. Ask him. Keep a close conscious contact at all times. Not when things are going smooth. You know, you hear I've had moments of serenity? Yeah, I said that many times. Now everything's turned to crap. How come? When did you turn it over last? I say, oh, I don't know, five, six months ago. When did you tell me? And I'd hit the table and, hey Pete, this is a daily program. You do it out daily. You turn it over. Maybe you have to do it every five hours, but you don't turn it over once and forget it. Keep a close conscious contact at all times. I know what serenity is today. It's facing reality and having serenity, not just when things are going your way, when they're going the other way too. Have a smile and be able to handle your problems. Then you have serenety. And you can have it if you want it. But keep those conscious contact at all times. But the 12th step was the greatest thing of them all, because when I came in and I heard the word God, I said, I might as well leave. Religion never worked for me, and they said, this is not a religious program, and don't you ever forget it. You may someday want to go back to your religion but don't bring religion in here this is a spiritual program and it says you know i worried and worried you know I thought my god when am I going to get God here and I got him boy and then everything's you know just perfect I've got him and they said you'll never find him not the way you're going about it become willing and let him find you and quit trying to work this program so hard let the program work for you just let it happen it says here in the 12th step having had us having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, as a result of these steps, these 11 steps, then you've grown spiritually. And all you have to do is set your feet under these tables and listen and become willing to do these steps and you will grow spiritually. It's just a change within you. And I'll guarantee if you're an alcoholic, you've changed if you've done the 12 steps. Yeah, you change. You've grown spiritually. And I sat in a chair one morning and I said, my gosh, I've got all this stuff back. It happened overnight. I woke up. I said my golly, I got everything. I'm back on the checkbook. I'm in the good graces of the house again. The kids are talking to me. But it didn't. It took a long, long time because I drank and I raised hell for a long time. And it didn' t happen overnight. It was a gradual change. We tried to carry this message to alcoholics. Didn' t say anything about what alcoholics out there. It does eventually. When you' re ready, you go. But you have to do the 12 steps, they said, because you don' t know what the hell you' r talking about. but carry the message to alcoholics. Every time you come to a meeting, you're carrying the message to another alcoholic. The newest member that comes through that door carries Pete a message. It reminds me when I came through them doors. So if you share at your meetings, even if you're just sitting there, you're caring the message. And that's what we want you to do for a while. And then when you get ready, we'll take you out and kind of let you. And I remember when he took me on cross-step calls, he said, Pete, all we want you to do now, the two of these two old birds that I hated so much that I grew to love so dearly, he said all we wants you to is just say I'm Pete and I'm an alcoholic and then you sit over there in the chair and keep your mouth shut because we're going to make an example of you. and I thought my God I'll be an example for the rest of my life but it turned me loose one day after I got around but the key to the whole portion of chapter 5 is and to practice practice practice these principles in all your affairs practice and they put that in there they had quite a discussion about practice and they decided that if an athlete was going to be the best, he practiced, he practiced. And so if you would make this a daily way of life and just practice these 12 steps, they become a daily well-life. Practice them. And it's easy to come in here and say, well, this is a great program and you can practice it, but get out among them. Get out among him. And do it. It works. Be this alcoholic. Thank God, and then it tells us we will not ever become saints, and thank God for that because I never would be able to handle that. Boy. But my goodness, this is a great program. And then it says that 3 ABC here sums the whole thing up, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, but God could and would if he were sought. It doesn't say find, it says thought. That means keep seeking him, seeking, ask every day, and then thank him at night. But no human power could do it. Boy, if they could have, I'd have been sober years and years before I came to this door, because there was a lot of people tried. But I just never accepted it. And thank you very much. Thank you, Jim. Thanks, Pete. we're on the tables we all keep in mind that our meetings are supposed to stay to about an hour so we won't have to talk too long so as we can get fair around the tables Jerry I'm Jerry, I'm the alcoholic I dislike it I was, I mean you know, he was a drunk and how could they possibly like him? But getting to know the people, I soon found out that they not only liked him but they even liked me when I didn't understand it. So, I thank all of you for being here and I'll pass. Thank you too. Chris? I'm Chris Austin. I'm an alcoholic. I never worked with Ray over there. I never met Ray until I left over there, but I worked with Bill. He was a pretty truthful alcoholic really. You know he told me that if he wanted to go back to drinking or leave him alone, I did. But he got the program. I knew he would eventually if he had it in him. I probably spent more time with his wife than the six months he was back to drinking over at my place and seeing Bill, but I wasn't an Al-Anon and I didn't know how to handle this. Thank God you Al-A-Nons gave my wife advice on how to hand this because I was blind. It worked out anyhow. And I enjoyed your speech, Bill. I always told you something that you'd be up there.