The 110-Pound Anchor in a 40-Pound Boat – David L.

Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is David, and I'm an alcoholic. What a privilege to be here. And in fact, I told Heather since I am introducing her tomorrow night that if she would say that about me, I would say it about her. But what she didn't understand when I asked her to do that is I'm going to follow that tomorrow night by saying, and Heather has a self-honesty problem. It's a pleasure. Thank you for the introduction, Heather. I look forward to hearing you tomorrow night. It's such a pleasure to be here. What a wonderful conference. You know, in fact, we're 4,000 people used together where I hung out. We called it a riot or a drunken brawl. So it's really nice to have 4, 000 people here for another purpose. Patty, thank you so much. She's been our hostess and Ann and I very much appreciate your being available, calling, writing, doing everything possible, meeting us today at the airport, offering to chauffeur us around to the largest mall in the world, things like that. I really appreciate it. Thank you, Patty. My name is David. I'm an alcoholic. You know what? I lived for 40 years, three months and 11 days, and I didn't know I had a disease. I thought I was just need to try a little harder. You Know What I Mean by Try A Little Harder? I need to change a little bit, need to say it different, to dress different, to do things different. Work in a different job. Be married to a different person. Have a different girlfriend before that. If it just hadn't been that way. I did not know when I walked into a treatment center in April 19, April 12th to be exact, 1988, that I had an illness. I thought I was not trying hard enough. okay the only relief that I had to the feeling of not being what I needed to be for everybody that needed for me to be that was when I drank and when I drink I became what I needed to do not what they needed me to do you see I didn't understand this thing called a disease I had no idea in fact my counselor Clara Ganya she said do you realize you have a disease? I said, no, I don't. I really don't, and you know what happened to me while I was in that treatment center for a month, and then I went to a halfway house for three months? You know what happen to me? I caught it. It was a guy in room 210. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. You see, when I got there the first day, I didn't have it. Truly, I did not have it, it was just a little slight problem, little slight valium problem in my case. Nothing to be just 20 years every four hours. What is the problem? Okay, I drank on top of that. What the problem with that? I mean, okay, I got drunk. Okay, yeah, I got in trouble. Okay. What's the problem? Just a few misunderstandings. We'll sort those out. You see, when I got there, I didn't know I had a disease and I'd like to talk with you tonight if I can about the disease that I have because I think it's so important that I understand that every day. When I first heard that, I felt ashamed. And now that I understand that's what I have, I'm very grateful. You see, without the disease, my fear and my thought was I would wind up in an insane asylum or dead. I really had no clue where I was going in my life, what I was doing in my life, or if I had any option to do but what I was doing. I sat down on Saturdays, beautiful Saturdays. I lived on a lake at the time, and every Saturday for two and a half years, the last two and a half I drank, I drank for 22 years. As I got drunk, I was going to think how I was going to drown myself the next Saturday. It wasn't going to be today. I mean, but it was going next Saturday see, it started out, it was, it started out way out there, you know, six months a year. And then it was gonna be in a couple of months. And then when things would really go bad, it wasn't, it didn't happen. It was next Saturday and towards the end, it Was every next Saturday, and I was gonna take a 14 foot little flat age on boat, and I was gonna take two 55 pound cinder blocks and tie them together with rope. And I was gonna take my family members out in this boat to prove to them that that was my new anchor. Now, the problem is the boat would do this because it was 110 pounds worth of anchor in a boat that weighed like, I guess, 25, 30, 40 pounds. But that was my thinking. It made sense. And then I was going to tie that rope on the very deep part of the lake and I was gonna throw it over and I was gonna let it pull me down and it was gonna tie it to my left ankle and then I was gonna try to breathe. It was scuba diving. I could see the bubbles and then I would be in a casket. That's a great way to wind up your beautiful Saturday. You know how I was in a casket because it was cloth and you know how the casket top has that little spiral stuff. It looks like a sunburst of material. And then people's hands would come around and never could see their face, but I'd see their hands touch the casquet. And they say things like poor David, if he hadn't married that woman, he married, he'd have been a good man. Poor David, If he didn't have these children just begging him for every dime he can make, always needing something he would have had a good life poor David if he didn't work for that man he worked for for the last 22 years he would've had a better life after about three or four such poor Davids I'd wake up do you know why I realized I hadn't tied the rope right on my left ankle you see I had to tie the rope so that nobody knew I drowned myself so it had to be an accident double indemnity insurance payments you know all the good things you have to look after yourself You know what I'm saying? I even, a true story. When my son was in Boy Scouts, I volunteered to teach knot tying classes. I was trying to learn all the exquisite knots. I couldn't figure out how to make it work. So when I got to treatment and she said I had a disease, I thought, no, no, no. There's no disease here. Maybe a little bizarre, but no disease. I caught it. It was the guy in room 210, I'm convinced. And I'm glad I did. You see, when I left that particular place, what I found happened to me was that I was able to discover a life that I had hidden from myself. I'll say that one more time. I was 41 years old when I went to college. I left there and I had lived for 41 years in ways and places and things that I have basically buried from myself. And I had to do that to be fine. And I don't know if you have this here in Minnesota, but in North Carolina, has anybody been born in North Carolina other than Ann and I? I know we're both from North Carolina. But if you haven't, let me tell you what a situation we have in that state. When you're born in our state, you're spanked. It's by state law. If you do not smile, spankt. Yes, thank you for interpreting, Patty. I appreciate that. Spanked. If you do not smile, and if there are other words like that, just raise your hand. We'll try to get through them. But, you know, you're spanked, and if you do Not Smile, the doctor is instructed under law to spank you again until you smile and say, I'm fine. How are you? I'm Fine. I'm Fine. Yeah, I'M FINE. Thank you very much. I'M Fine. Thank You. Thank YOU, Heather. ThankYou so much, Heather, how are you doing? I'm fine. Thank you. I'm Fine. I've never seen such fine people in my life. I'M FINE. I'M Fine. You see, and the only way I can be fine is not to look back. The only way I can Be Fine. And so when I got to the treatment center and when I get involved in my first AA meetings, I'll never forget it. I saw honesty and I saw people telling me things about themselves that I knew but had never admitted to anyone. You See, I saw hope in that for me. I Saw that I had a chance. I don't know about you, but there's a section in the big book that defines my illness. It's absolutely to the T and it's on page 62 and it says selfishness, self-centeredness that we think is the root of all of our troubles driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, and self pity. We've stepped on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate seemingly without provocation, but invariably we find that at some time in our past, we have made decisions based on self that have come back to hurt us. At 41 years old, I had made a lot of decisions based own self. I didn't know why I did that. I had no clue why I made the decisions I made. Truly didn't. And what I've learned it is a disease. You see hundreds of forms of fear. I don't know how you feel fear but I feel fear right here and when I was a little kid when I about six or so my mom and dad took us over to an aunt or uncles. I have no idea. But my brother, Larry was in the back seat and my mother said on the way over there, she said, now, now children, she called us youngins. That's another North Carolina term, youngins, that's for children. Youngins, don't you talk when we're there? Don't you ask for one thing because I don't want aunt Sue to say when Letha and Claudia, my mom and my dad come back here, I wish those mean youngins would never come again. Now, the next thing I remember was sitting on a stool or bench and I was sitting On my hands. I don' t know if you ever sat on your hands, but I didn't want to touch anything. And I was out in the hallway and all the parents were in here, the adults, and they were all smiling. And see, I started to do it that day. I don't know if it was that day, but when people would walk within 10 feet of me, I'd say, how are you doing? I'm fine. I'd start smiling. I shake my head. I don't why I shake My head. You know, I'm not Japanese. I'm nothing about that. I was like, I'm Fine. How are you? I am fine. Do you need anything? Oh no, I don t need anything. The first thought, I had to go to the bathroom that day so bad, I was afraid to ask to go. I'll never forget that. And I got in the car, and the first thing when the doors were closed and they said goodbye, I said, Mom, how did I do? Am I going to be invited back? Did I do okay? I don't know if you know that fear, but it was in my life every day. Hundreds of forms of fear, hundreds of forms of self-delusion. I don' t know about you, but see, my fear to me drives this whole concept of thinking. I heard a guy named Joe. I have to give him credit in 1988 in downtown Atlanta or Dallas, excuse me, at a meeting at the downtown Methodist church. And he said, alcoholism is a disease characterized by pyramiding thoughts. I thought he meant this way. And I went up and talked with him afterwards. He said this way, see the pyramids come right out here. Here's how they come. Let me talk to you. I'm sitting in my office. Good morning. How are you doing? I'm fine. How you doing ? I'm glad to be here. Good to see you. My boss walks by and I say, good morning, Don. How're you doing?. And he doesn't speak. here it goes starts first off wonder why and it comes real quick starts real quick wonder why didn't speak to me second thought he must be upset with me third thought it was that project i gave him yesterday he didn't like that project fourth thought he's probably going to fire me so at 10 o'clock i'm fine how are you good to see you how you doing oh i'm fine. 10-01, I've been fired. I hadn't left my office. I hadn't lost my desk. Still at the same place. Now, I don't know about you, but I'll start pyramids off of pyramids. Well, if he fired me, well, what am I going to do? I'm going to have to go to the unemployment office down on Ray Avenue to get an unemployment check. And I'm already thinking I've got to drive down, get to the employment. I've never been to the unemployment officer. Been employed for 22 years and he's just figured out today that I don' t know what I'm doing. It's taken 22 years for that to occur. And then I'll go, well, if I can't get an unemployment check, then I have to go by the day-old Morita bread store and buy day- old bread for my family. Well, at 10 o'clock, I'm fine. How are you doing? 10.01, I am fired. 10.05, I can not get an employment check and I am buying day-ol bread. I haven't left my office. now here's what happens if somebody walks in during that process and says good morning david i'm thinking you know i'm down at the unemployment line now how are you doing you know what i'll say i'm fine thank you how are YOU wonderful way to live you know get in the shower i've been it's got a little red spot on my calf Thursday morning, starting another typical great day. Scratching this little pimple on my calf right here. For those of you that saw my calves, it's on this side. It's right here now. I'll get in the shower and go out and I'm dressed and ready to put my socks on. I sit down, I got my legs crossed and I put my sock on and I look at that pimple. And it's got a little red circle around it now because I've scratched it two or three times. Here it goes. Wonder what that's on my cap. It's infected. It's got a circle around it. It's a knot in it. I bet that's a tumor. Well, if it's a tumor, they're going to cut my leg off right here. No, knowing the doctor I go to, he'll cut it off right above my knee. Then I got to go get a prosthesis. Now, here I am Thursday morning, 7-15, trying to go out and just deal with the world, and I'm worried about getting a prosthesis. I thought I only did that with bad thoughts. I was in the shower when I first got sober. I'll never forget that morning. I was humming a country and western tune. Now, I don't know why I was doing that because my life was going along pretty well in sobriety at that time. And I guess I needed my codependence fix that morning. And I was humming some tune, and I got out, and the next conscious thought I had standing in front of the mirror shaving was where am I going to get a tour bus? Some of you have been down that primrose path, I bet. If you haven't been, let me take you there. I'm humming country and western music. Hmm, that sounds pretty good. Heather, if I practiced a couple times, I could get a couple of guys together, girls. We'd have a band around town. We could get pretty good. We'll go out to Nashville. See, it grows. We'll got to Nashville, we'll get an agent, we'll Get an attorney and we'll sign a contract and we're going on tour and then we'll need a tour bus. Thank you very much. Everything in my life was filled with fear and self-delusion. I took exams four times before I took them. I don't know if you know what I'm saying. I mean, everything had to be thought through and everything had to be just right. And this is important. On March the 22nd, 1966, I went to a little place called The Rathskeller in Greenville, North Carolina. I was a freshman in college. I had never drank in my life. I was 19. And I went and ordered two tall Pabst blue ribbons. I don'T know why I ordered two, but I did. And guess what I did one at a time? I drank them. And guess what happened? That thinking stopped for the first time in my life that I could remember. I was fine, really. You know what I mean? Hey, how you doing? Yes, yes. Good to be here. See, there were so many people there that needed to hear things I had to say. I did not know there was such a need in the world. So I went around and just talked, and I could dance and sing. I told jokes. Man, I was moving. And then they had a thing called Last Call, and I didn't know that we had those things. But I told them, I said, can I come back? I didn' know I had that permission. And I did come back for 22 years. And dann I would sit there on Saturday morning thinking of how I was going to tie the rope around that 55-pound cinder block because I didn't know how I got from Greenville in 66 to there in 88. I didn' t know how. I didn''t know how I would sit in my easy chair, the chair that we went out and spent so much time, my little recliner. And I looked and looked and we tested and I didn ''t know that to bring that special chair that we had all kinds of discussions about and bring it into the home, I did not know I would be sitting in that chair passing out and urinating on it. and coming to the next morning. I didn't know that. Didn't know how I got there. Didn't plan on that one. Had no idea. I didn'T know when the doorbell rang why I would get out of my chair if nobody was in the house, and I'd crawl on my belly through the den and get into the hall and close the door and shake like a 6-year-old kid afraid because somebody was going to see me drunk. I didn' t know how it got there? I didn''t know howI could set up a system with my 13-year old, my 17-year older, my wife, two sons and a wife. And you know what we did? We set up a calling system because if they were out of the house and I was drinking, I wouldn't answer the phone because they had to call me and let it ring six times, hang up and call the second time and it'd ring twice. I never had a problem with that. Nobody called in between time, but I'd answer the bone then. But they had to give me a signal. I didn't know how it got there. You see, the only place in my world the last two years I drank, I felt safe, was a six foot by seven foot bathroom. Let let me tell you about my bathroom. It's a fine bathroom. Had a louver door, could lock it, had an exhaust fan. See, I was a closet smoker. My children begged me to stop smoking so I told them I would in one of my drunken stupors and then I had to live it out by not smoking in front of them. So I'd go to my bathroom and smoke. It was a great way to be honest. And so I'd go to the bathroom. I'd hide beers under celery, carrots, and lettuce. I wore a sport jacket every day and I'd put them in my pockets and I walked humpback so they couldn't see them. I'd walk down to the, to the bathroom like this. So they would hang, you know, and I just going to, I got to go to the restroom. I know my children, the last couple of three years I drank thought I had the worst case of dysentery of anybody they'd ever met. I was in the bathroom all the time because I'd go in and sit down. I'd sit my beers down.I'd have a seat. You know, I'd bring out my magazines. I hide my cigarettes up under my magazine rack. I turn the exhaust fan on. I've lightened his cigarette up, pop me a top on a, on a beer, sit there reading a newspaper by myself. How much better could you want it? You know what I'm saying? Just how much better can you say? Nobody can bother me there. Nobody could call me. I'm in the bathroom. People at door, I'm sorry, I can't come. I mean, the bathroom, it was a great excuse. How did I get there? Hundreds of forms of fear, hundreds of forms, a self delusion, hundreds, a forms of self pity, self pity. I want to talk about that one. When I'd left the treatment center, um, my, my, uh, counselor and then my temporary sponsor and my sponsors, Keith L. And many, we spoke together last year here in Minnesota. Uh, and, um, but he said to me, you know, he said, I want you to go home and enjoy your family. Don't fix your family well. I had a 17 year old and a 13 year old sons. And let me tell you about what happened while I was gone. It was a great time to enjoy. Uh my oldest son threatened to commit suicide. He was busting holes in the walls of our homes with his fist. I don't know how he missed the two before studs, but you just kind I'll pounce them out and wallpaper and all. And he had pushed a windshield out with his fist. He'd hit it for his girlfriend's car from the inside out. And, uh, the police were called and he was under a peace warrant to not go in her yard ever again. And you know, just a couple of nice things. And he said, go home and enjoy them. Don't fix them. So I did, I went home and what I realized is I never enjoyed them. And guess what? They never enjoyed me. So I bought a 10,000 joke book by Milton Berle. Still have it. Thick book if anybody wants to borrow it. And I would, on the way home from work, I'd memorize a couple jokes. And I'd come in and I'd say, well, listen to this one. I heard this one today. And I tell them a joke. And they would look at me like... This guy's been in a month in treatment and three months in a halfway house and he's going to AA meetings and he is telling jokes. but you see, we never laughed. You know how we laughed in our home? He, he, he. It was a laugh from here up. We never belly laughed in her home because we were waiting for the next shoe. It was waiting forthe next shoe, you know, how we solved arguments in ourhome. Ye who yell the loudest and the longest one except our younger son, Scott, he was the runner. He would get in his bike and he'd run. He just, we never saw him. He'd stay overnight. I mean, he'd come home, get a pair of underwear, leave again. I means, Scott's gone. Where's he gone? I don't know. Todd's, I guess. We'll call him. He's, oh yeah, he's staying with us. Oh, okay. He just left. He was 13. The point is I got home to try it up to, to help them enjoy themselves. And I tell these jokes and finally they wouldn't laugh. So I'd go back in the bathroom, uh, the bedroom and I changed my clothes and I'd say them real loud to practice so they could hear me. And then I'd come back out and I say, here we go again. Well, they started to laugh a little bit, not at the jokes, but the fact that I couldn't tell them. And that was very good for me. It was very Good for me now, the fourth day I was home, I hadn't been at work in 90 days or a little bit over 90 days, and I didn't know if I had a job or not. So I was a littlebit anxious. It was Sunday night, about 4 o'clock Monday morning to be exact, and my son was playing, a 17-year-old. He was playing the stereo and the TV. He had them all wired up pretty loud in the den, and I was trying to sleep in the bedroom. If it had been totally quiet, I probably couldn't have slept in the bathroom. But I went to the den to use the work I had learned in my 12-step work and also in my treatment. I used the concept of sharing feelings and needs. And I went into my son with his TV going boom, boom, boom, and I said, David, I need for you to cut the TV and stereo down. I'm feeling very tired and, and, uh, I've got to go to work in the morning and I'm very anxious about that. And I need you to cutting it down. Could you please do that? And he looked at me and he said, I'm not going to cut it down and you can't make me. I gave him my best treatment processing. I said, well, no, no. You don't understand my needs. I need for you to cut the TV down. And he jumped up and he got right in my face. I mean this far and he's like six five and I'm six two. And I'm looking up at my son like this and he went boom, boom, boom, and he started to punch him in the chest. He said, I'm not going to cut the TV damn and you can't make me. Well, I lost my treatment motif at this point and I knew what had happened. See, I figured it out there on the spot. You know what had happened? I'd gone off for about 120 days or so. My son took control of my house. You know, I'm saying he took control. So my job is what to take it back. So I started to punch in him and I said, you got to turn this TV down. You know, it's my TV. I claimed all my property back by the way. It's my stereo. It's my sofa, you're lowing on. This is my home. And then he yelled at me the loudest I've ever heard. And he said, and I won't say what he said. But he said you alcoholic, you've destroyed my life. Get out of it. For 93 days I called myself an alcoholic at meetings. This was a bit different. No one in my family had. Not with the disdain and the hatred he had. And so for whatever reason, I didn't hit him. And that would have been normal. You see, that was normal. We pushed, we claimed property. It's my property, it's my space. Get out of my life for five or ten minutes. Instead, I went to the bedroom and I started crying. You see I had started to come to believe a little bit. Step two, that this process of treatment recovery is going to work for me and my family. That's what I was told. I believed that a bit. And what I realized right then, it wasn't working. So I called my sponsor. It was about 430. And I said, good morning, Keith. Did I wake you up? Yeah, I love him. He said, no, no. What's happening? And I'd say, well, you know what my son just did to me? He said what? He said he just yelled in my chest and he just called me an alcoholic. And Keith said, well aren't you? I said well yeah. He said well then he just told you what you are. I said, but no, but he was punching me in the chest and he was yelling at me and screaming at me. And he said, were you punching him in the chest and yelling and screaming at him? I said yeah, but he provoked me wrong word to use. He said, I tell you what I want you to do. He said, i'm on the phone now. He said, I want you to go back and tell your son. He said, where is he? I said, he's in a den. I guess it's still really loud in there. He said, go back and say, David, I'm very sorry. I yelled at you and I'll try not to do that ever again. And then I want you to say, David, may I have permission to hug you? And I want you to hug your son. Hey, hey, thank you, Keith. I really, hey. I am so sorry I woke you up. Hey, I don't know if you've ever been sorry you woke your sponsor up, but that was one of those times. Well, thankyou so much, Keith." You see, I knew how to handle stuff like that. You know how you handle stuff like that? You know what I'd do? I did it forever. I just wouldn't speak to him for two weeks. You know, I'm saying he'd walk down the hall and he'd say, good morning, dad. And I just looked straight ahead. Like he didn't exist. We'd sit at the table and he's a pass the potatoes and I would get them almost to his hand and sit them down and not look. You see, I'll show him who's in charge here. See, it was about control. Ask him to permission to hug him. Thank you, Keith took a shower. I was the first one at work that morning. I got there about 5.15. It's very important because when I went in there by myself, I realized I was in the room beside of the liquor locker where I'd stole vodka for years from the chairman of the board. I knew exactly how to get in it. I knew Exactly how to steal it. And I knew exactly how To fill it back up with water. And then I realized this explosion occurred Hundreds of forms of fear, hundreds of forms Of self-delusion, my pyramids were going crazy And what I realized Was this, by some unknown way That if I didn't go back And do what my sponsor said I would need to take that drink Because the pain, the pain Was just too great And for whatever reason I left that office and went home It was just at sunup And my son was pacing in the backyard His name is David as well And I walked over to him and I said I'm very sorry I yelled at you now please hear this I was scared to death please hear that I did never done this to my son I was so frightened I didn't know what to say but I was going to say the lines my sponsor gave me and I think that's the beauty of sponsorship give you words when we don't I didn'T have words and a different view and I said I'm very sorry. I yelled at you. I'll try not to do that again. And he was really angry. He looked around and he said, what? I said, I'm sorry. Yelled at you and I'll Try Not To Do That Again. And I said son may I have permission to hug you? And he looked at me like I was an utter total stranger. And in fact I was. Please hear that. and he said, okay. He's 6'5", big dude. He was 275 on the foot. I was 225 pound tackle, six foot five tackle on the football team. And I walked over to him and I didn't touch him. You know how you hug people but you don't touch them? You make sure you're not touching anywhere around. Okay. Okay. And like this, and you're like, I'm thinking, okay, you know what I was thinking? I put my head down. I went, oh man. And you know what I was thinking? My sponsor is full of bull. That's what I Was thinking. He gave me these two lines. I've said both lines. I'm doing what he said to do. And where do I go from here? It's like all I could see Is I was going to go, okay son it's been nice and put my tail between my legs and I've lost control Of my house forever. So it's all back to control. And just as I started to let my son go, just that second He grabbed me and he hugged me and he wept. And I could grab him and hug him. And he said, Dad, I'm very sorry for what I called you this morning. I'm proud of you for trying to change your life. And I want you to know I love you and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. I am very sorry. And I said, son, I am very sorry that you've lived in my home for 17 1⁄2 years and not one moment of one day of our life together have you known me without alcohol or drugs in my body except the last 94 days. I'm very, very sorry for that. I had no idea that this would be my life. And I said, can we start over? He said, yes, we can. So I said to be honest with him, I said Keith, my sponsor is the one who asked me to do this. I want you to know that because this is certainly new for me. And we both agreed that day we'd start talking more honestly with each other. We talk about feelings. We never talked about feelings so he said, I only call Keith. So we went back in, it's about 630. I said, Keith, did we wake you up? And David said he wanted to thank him and so forth and so on. And he thanked him, and he had to get up and get ready to go to school, I think. And I said well, Keith thank you so much. He said no, you hang on the phone a minute. And I says okay. And so guess what he said. He said, David, I want you from this point forward to sponsor your children. Your parenting is about to kill them. that's a great deflator on a Thursday morning. I said, what do you mean? He said, I said what I mean sponsor him. He said I do not want you to tell them anything else. They're 13 and 17. You've given them more information that they can actually assimilate and more opinions than they can probably assimilate in their lifetime and their children's lifetime. So I want you to stop doing that. You do not need to tell him what to do, how to do it. They do not need your advice. And I said, but I'd give them good advice. He said, and it reminded me of a story. My son was 16. He's had his best friend's car broke. It was a transmission, automatic transmission. And he came to me, I laughed now because I have to. And she said, daddy, do you know anything about transmissions? I said of course I do. Of course I'd had a few drinks, just a few belts. And so I proceeded to tell him what was wrong with this transmission. The only problem is I've never worked on one. And So he proceeds to go up with all this newfound expert information and tell the mechanic who's going to work on this transmission what's wrong with it. And my son told the story later, I overheard it. I didn't, he never told me. He was so embarrassed because the mechanic looked at him and said, what joker or fool told you this in front of his best friend? See, that's the kind of advice I gave. I always had an answer. You know what I mean? If I didn'T have one, I sure could make them up very quickly. That was the kind of advice I gave. And he said, I want you to sponsor them. You do not tell them anything. If they need you, they'll ask you a question. And if you don't have any experience with that, then you refer them to somebody else in the program. If you don'T know anybody in the program with that experience, you refer to somebody outside the program, but if you DON'T know anything about it, tell them, I DON'T have any EXPERIENCE with that. They DON'T want your opinion. They DONT need your opinion, nor your advice. And I said, Keith, I'LL have a hard time. I said because they'LL never ask me anything. They don't want to hear what I've got to say. You know what he said real quick? He said, well, great, that part of your life's over. And he went right on. He was quick. Here's the point. That one thing has helped me and with David and Scott unbelievably. I have not done it perfectly. I don't do it perfectly last week, but I'm doing it better. And when I can let them be them, you see what I had to understand is that that hundred forms of fear, self-delusion in my life, I was giving to them. That hundred forms of self-pity I was giving to then. I didn't know that, but I never let them enjoy their own relationship with a power greater than them. I was that relationship. And that's what my sponsor told me. You've got to let them find their path. And if you have come to believe second step, if you admitted you're powerless, first step. Second step, you've come to believe and that you're going to make a process or a decision, make a decision to start the process of turning your willing life over, step three, then you're doing it with a power greater than you. They've got the same power. They don't need you as their power. Hmm, interesting concept. For the next several years, it was very hard to let them go. It was very, very hard. And in fact, my oldest son did not ask me anything for almost two years. And he finally came one day and had a financial question. And what a glorious day that was. Please hear that. You see, I felt like I went from being a parent to going into a desert and what happened in that timeframe. And I think this is really important. My alcoholism, my disease, my self-seeking, my hundred forms of fear for them. I mean, my, my thinking, if my son left in the car, he was in a ditch, you know, he'd had a wreck and he was cause he was home 15 minutes late. You know, I mean I had him in a ditch somewhere, drowned in a puddle of water. And then when he'd get home, I'd be all angry about it. That wasn't his problem. It was my problem. I imposed it on him. And so what happened in that two years is that I allowed the program, not I, the program allowed with the great help of a sponsor and meetings, me to let my son go so he could be returned to his dignity as a human be. You see, what I did in my activity, what I did for those 41 years, 17 with David and 13 with Scott, is I stripped their dignity as I did my own. And my job was to let that go. I can make amends the best by sponsoring them, not by becoming their parent. I tried that role. It didn't work. My youngest son, Scott, we didn't start over immediately. It took eight years. In fact, we were in another country. I was working in the consulting work there. I took him with me. He was very angry, had flunked out of college, drinking, unbelievable stuff. Had to kick him out of my home, ask him to leave. Toughest thing I've ever had to do. There was a day. There was a 3.30 in the morning party that prompted it all, but you have to leave, I'm sorry. And he looked at me that afternoon in the sunset and he said, Dad, he said is it possible for us to start over like you and David did? And I said, we sure can. You see, it's their time, not mine. I had a perfect 12-step program worked out for them. Gosh, I knew exactly what they should be doing, but it's Their Time. It's Their Time. My marriage didn't make it. I lived in it for a long time, two years ago. We never could start over. Never could. The pain, the scars perhaps were too great. And I called my sponsor two years ago and I said, Keith, I've decided I can't do this. This is not working. And he said, I know it's not. AndI said, so how long have you known this? And he said, 11 years. And I said so why didn't you tell me 11 years ago? He he said, because it had to be your decision. And so I left. In the last two years have been a wonderful experience for me because you see this whole concept of hundreds of forms of fear, hundreds of reforms of self-delusion, hundreds forms of self pity, hundreds of forums of self seeking has been really important for me to understand. I came home one night. I'd been at the office. I was about a year sober and my boss said something to me. He said something one day about, you know, it was Friday afternoon and he said something like I didn't like the project or whatever. Now that's what he, what I thought he said was, you don't know what you're doing here. You're totally an incompetent person. I don't knows how in the world I hired you 21, 22 years ago. You've never known what you've done here. And in fact, if I had the choice, I'd have fired you 42 times. But I'm probably going to do it Monday now since you messed up on this project. Now what he said is, David, I read the report and I have a couple of concerns I'd like to talk to you about on Monday morning. But by the time I got home, I didn't have a job. He was going to fire me and I called Keith and I said, you know what my boss said to me today? It was about 730 at night. And he said, I said – he said what? I said he told me – and he said David, what time is it? I said, it's 7.30. He said, is that AM or PM? I said, It's PM, Keith. It's dark. He said, Well, where are you standing? I said, I'm in my home. He said, No, no. What part of your home? I said, I'm in the den. He said, Look at the carpet and tell me what color it is. It's brown, Keith. Yep, you're in your den. He said, Now, when do you think you're going to let this go? I said, Let it go? Let what go? He said, when are you going to let this stuff your boss said to you go? Are you going to hold on to it until 9 o'clock in the morning? He said, you can do that. He said, and you can really, I won't say what he said, he said you can really mess up your Friday night if you want to do that but just maybe you can hang on to It till tomorrow at nine o'clock. He said of course if you kind of want to go for the gold, he said you could hang on To it till six o' clock tomorrow and really mess Up your whole Saturday too. He Said now of course David if you Want to do kind of what's traditional You know you can Hang on to this till nine o clock Monday morning and really mess up your whole weekend. He said, now what's your choice? I said, I don't have a choice Keith. He said yes you do. He he said David what do you get out of being a victim? I said I don' t get anything Keith. He said Yes you do because you keep doing it you're getting something out of it and he slammed the phone down. I called him back. I said, what'd you mean? And we sat down and we started the inventory, the seven deadly sins. We worked on that out of step four in the 12 and 12. We started to look at what I did to be the victim. You see, I stayed in that relationship as a victim. I've done most of my life, I've been a victim for a long time. I'm a victim of things as victims, you see, and there was something I was getting. And you know what I get from being a victim? I get power. Power. It's unbelievably powerful. I'd sit at a bar drunk and the bartender would say, David, don't you think you've had enough? And I'd say, oh man, if your mother kicked and beat you like my mother kicked in beat me, you drink too. Oh, I'm sorry here. Have another beer. Get right what I want, man. It was a justification for inexcusable. It wasn't excuse for inexcusible actions. It WAS a justification for unjustifiable actions. And I used it, I used it. In fact, I'm convinced today that my defects, you know, the greed, lust, envy, jealousy, sloth, the seven deadly sins, that those are the tools I built to use as a victim. You see, when I'm not a victim today, guess what I don't need as much of? Those tools. But see, I focused and approached everything in life as a victim. And what I've learned is I can't do two or three things that are real important. If I'm a victim today, I can't change. I canít say, ìOkay, Heather, Iím fine now.î No, you know, I was a victim for 40 years but Iím really good now. No, it doesnít bother me anymore. On page 66 of the big book, it says resentments. They rob us. They steal the very sunlight of the spirit. See, I think victimhood is the basis of resentment. You see, I thought I had no choice but to resent and be a victim. You know what I'm saying? I mean, they did it to me. They, he, she, it just, I was in the way, but I was In fact, I use my victimhood to justify why I drank, you know, if I hadn't been raised by the parents I was raised by, I probably wouldn't be drinking here tonight. That's not true. You see, what I didn't understand is that I couldn't change. And if I can't change, I am really in trouble. And if my victim hood is not, if it's not a part of me. If I can't do something about my victimhood and it's about someone else doing something to me or past tense has done something to be, I am really in trouble in my life. And so what we did on step four and five is I had them do an inventory. I had to write about my fears, my resentments, my sex, sexual activity. And on 67, my part in those resentments. I didn't like that part and I didn' t want to do that part. You see, I knew why I was resentful of my mother. she kicked me when I was 13. She beat me. I know exactly why. I've used that for years. Got it memorized. See, I expanded that one minute and 18 second activity into a whole day of my life. In fact, it became months of my lifetime at some times. But what he helped me to see is what is your part? You see, if I don't have a part in the resentment, I was told when I were in treatment that I needed to pray for my mother every day. If I did not, I would never get over the resentment and I felt for her. So I did that. My sponsor told me to keep doing it. In fact, it was two weeks at a time. Pray for the next two weeks. Can you do that? Okay. Did you pray for it? Yeah. Pray for The Next Two Weeks. Can You Do That? When I was 18 months sober, I was working on my eight step, starting the men's process. And my sponsor toldme to start acting differently so people would treat me differently. That's what the eight steps about, to get ready for that. And I said, what do you mean? He said, I want you to start stop acting like an emotional child and become an adult. I didn't like that. And I said, what does that mean? He said, when have you seen your mother last? I said well I don't like her. He said I didn' t ask if you liked her, I just asked if you've seen her. You know I would want to see my mother, you know how it goes, I want to go see her and I'd drive all the way, you now 60, 70, 80 miles up there and I get there, stay 10 minutes and I felt like a vacuum cleaner was hooked up to the inside sucking my insides out. Why did I come here? And I'd make some excuse to leave. I'd get angry and I'd leave. I said, I haven't seen her since last Christmas. I go Christmas Day half day and Thanksgiving half day. And that was it for 20 plus years. And he said, well, I want you to write your mother. I said I don't have anything to say. He said, go get some funny cards. I said what kind of funny cards? You know little smiley faces? So I went to Eckers Drugstore and got little smile face cards. I said dear mom, thinking of you, David. I said but Keith, I'm thinking bad thoughts. he said that's okay she won't know that you see he told me that the fight the resentment that the pity the the victim stuff i had in my brain that she didn't know about that i said well certainly she knows i'm fighting her if she doesn't know there's a if the person you're fighting doesn't Know There's A Fight How Can You Have A Fight He Said It'S All In Your Brain I Didn'T Believe That So I Wrote Her Three Weeks Later He Said You Heard From Your Mother I Said no he said write her again I said what do I say he said dear mom thinking of you David and mail it I said okay well guess what happened she wrote me back we live 65 70 miles apart she wrote me back and she said David thank you so much for letting me know that you're thinking of me every day I didn't tell her that she even thought it was good thoughts I mean she she didn't pick up on this negative stuff that I've been living. So we kept writing and then we called each other and she came to see me and please hear this. She came into my home, hadn't been in my home in years and she became into the den and she sat down on the sofa just about as far as I am from Bob and she looked at me and she, she looked At my brother was there also. And, uh, she looked at us and she started to tell the story. She said, when I was six years old, I sat in my grandmother's lap and she ran her fingers through my red hair and said, what a beautiful girl I was and what a nice person I was. I'd heard that story thousands of times. It was a silly little story to me. And I wanted to say something like, mother, I've heard that we're here to visit. No self-seeking there is there. And instead something stopped me. And you know what I think it was? My prayer for her. Cause see my, my prayer for her had to be what I wanted for myself. AndI said to, uh, to my counselor, I said, I don't know what I want for myself. She said, what do you want? I said, I want to be sober and free. She says, pray that for your mother. I said but my mother doesn't drink. She say that's okay pray for her to be sober. Then I've expanded that as years went by. But I looked in my mother's eye and I think it was that prayer because I looked at her and guess what I saw? I saw a 72 year old woman who was scared to death to the degree that she did not know what to say to her two children and she went back to an old familiar story when she felt safe and loved and she related it one more time to calm down. You see, what I saw in her that day was me and I'd never seen that. I thought she was a mean woman as we say in North Carolina. I learned she was very frightened woman just like me and I didn't know that when I was four years sober we invited her to go with me on a trip. We'd never been on a trip together. Always had other family, never just the two of us. We took a trip to Washington. She wanted to go back to where she and my dad, my dad had died at this time, and wanted to see the cherry blossoms. And so we drove up to see the Cherry Blossoms. And on the way up Interstate 95, we had about a five or six hour drive. You know what she said to me? She said, David, when I was 10 years old, she said, do you know how it's like to be afraid? And I said, I sure do, Mom. And she said when I was 10-years-old, I baked some biscuits rolls in the oven, the wood-burning stove, and I burned two on the bottom. And my father, your granddaddy, took a tobacco stick and beat me. And she said, I was so frightened of him the rest of the time he lived. And I was så frightened I was going to make a mistake. She said, do you know how that feels? And I said, Mom, I sure do. You see, what I had to come to believe that day is that my being a victim was not costing her anything. It was costing me. It was causing my children. It was casting my marriage. It was causting my work. It was costing the very person. And what I had to understand and come to make a decision about is that it was enough. Do you know what I mean by enough? Say I drank enough. I sure hope I have. But there was a day on April the 12th, 1988, I had enough that day. And by the grace of God, to this day. But I'm going to suggest that being a victim for me is very, very important because you see what happened was this. When I did page 67 and I looked at my part, what I saw my part was was the fear, the self-delusion, the self seeking and the self centeredness. That's my part in the resentment. And what I found was this, I had a hard time separating the act of what happened, you know, in sexual abuse, physical abuse, children, all those things that I think we sometimes come out of families with. But the point is, I took that act and built my resentment without any separation. You see, the resentment was justified by the act. Makes sense to me. But what Keith helped me to see is that the act is an act. It ended. It ended that day, whenever. And what I did from that moment on, I built the resentment based on selfishness, self-centeredness, self-pity, fear, delusion. If that is not true, I am in real trouble because I can't let it go. I can'st let itgo. And see, the pain and the hurt is not the people and the act. It's me. It'sme. And I had to make a decision to change that. i think this program if i could you know could share anything it's a it's been a freedom trail it's going to walk and now we were sitting in arkansas as bob and i and linda we met years ago and i remember standing and talking just like this wanting so much to be free in many cases telling you i was and i guess based on the cumulative history and where i was maybe there was some freedom, but it just gets better. It just gets better. Letting go of the resentments. I've just had to do that with my sister in the last few weeks of letting go of some old stuff. I can't change that. It's not my problem. It' s not my job. It really isn't. I can love her and pray for her. I'll do that, but its not my job. It really isnt. When I was about four years sober, my sister called me and she asked me to be in her wedding and I said of course I will my dad was dead and I just knew she was going to say give me away but she wanted me to be an usher and then she said I want you to also not only be an Usher but I want you to sing a solo in my wedding and I says sis I really appreciate that but you really need to check your hearing aids because I don't I sing in choirs and all that but I don t sing I m not a soloist I mean I know very close and she said well would you sing my first wife my then wife who was a very good singer. And she said, would you sing a duet? So I was going to practice the song to me by Lee Greenwood and Barbra Streisand. And so they sent us a CD or tape and music. And I practiced. I'd go through the streets of Fayetteville singing this song to tape. And I had it down pat. And we went to the rehearsal that night in October of that year. And all my family was gathered around. And i stood up with the pianist. And this sound was supposed to come out to me and it came out like a brick bath. It was terrible. And I, hundreds of forms of fear, self-delusion. I looked at people and my sister went to her husband to be, and she put her head on his shoulder and I just knew she was saying, oh my gosh, what am I going to do? I can't fire him. He's my brother. You know, I didn't sleep very well that night. You Know What I Was Thinking About? Hundreds of Forms of Fear, Self-Delusion. Self, see out of that comes my self-pity. You know what I did? I got mad with her for inviting me to sing. Well, she hadn't invited me to sing. I wouldn't be doing this. Couldn't eat dinner. I was upset. Had a little upset stomach all night and about six o'clock I got up in my big book and my big, big book and I was going to do my prayers meditation. And I was looking at my big big book and I reading and I praying meditating and all of a sudden it started. I thought well here's what I can do. You see all my life until recently the way that I could manage situations or challenges in life when I did not know what to do is I would get sick. I had more viruses and stomach aches and leg aches and back aches and headaches and double vision, blurred vision. I mean any number of things. Can't drive there, can't see. My vision's really messed up. Now you know what I did? I went just like this. I had my big book in my hand and I'm trying to meditate and get very spiritual to go sing at this wedding one more time and I said, Gail. That's my sister. Gail, this is David. Yeah, I woke up this morning with really bad laryngitis. I can't sing in your wedding. And I thought, I can'T do that. No, I CAN'T do that. Sat there a few minutes and I went, Gale. This is it. I practiced again. So you know what I did? I laid all my books down and I Went to my bathroom to get sick. I don't know if you ever did that. And i went to my Bathroom and I stood in front of the mirror and I took my glasses off and I'm standing there looking sick. So I had to look sick to call in at the office when I was hungover. I'd have to look thick before I called in. It had to sound good, I had act good, you know, everybody. In fact, plus the family watching me do it had to believe I was really sick. So I'm looking sick, you now, and I was doing like this, and I going, Gail, this is David. Now I glanced up at my mirror, true story, and my sponsor had me write on my mirror when I about a month sober these words. I wrote it with soap. David, you're wrong. I resented that. Now here's what happened to me that day. I'm practicing to get sick, to call my sister at 6.30 to tell her I can't sing in her wedding and I glance up and see, David, you're wrong. And really as a tense self-exercise, I backed off and you know what I thought? Thank God I'm wrong right now. If I was right right now, I'd have to do this the rest of my life. You see, my self-pity, my self-seeking, my hundreds of forms of fear. When I share, people will come up at the end and say, well how did you get rid of that? Some days I don't. But I've learned some things. I learned at prayer in the morning and there's a great section in 86 please help me, guide me through the process of today. 86, 87, 88 is a wonderful way to start and end. 86 ends the day, the bottom of 86 87 starts the day. But let me walk through today. God please direct my thinking let it be free from self-pitie, dishonest and self-seeking motives. When I learn to do that and can get quiet enough to do that, it's a wonderful way to get calm. The other thing is I kept a pad of paper and a pencil, and as I had those thoughts, I would start writing them down. Very important because they're actually funny. Pretty silly. Oh, no, okay, I'm not going to get fired. I've been here 21 years. I'm chief executive officer. I don't think I'm going to be fired today. In fact, I've got to run the meeting I'm afraid to go into, so I might as well get in there and just do this. Okay, let's move on. I called Kingsman when I said, we've got a board meeting today and I am so anxious. I had to call him every morning for about four years because I didn't know what to do. I truly didn't Know What To Do that day and he would help me start my day. And he said, well David, I've got A little problem with that. I said what's the problem? He said, Well you're chairing The meeting. He said so why are you So anxious about the meeting? I thought about it for a minute. I said because I'm Chairing the meeting. He said no but if you're Chairing The Meeting you'll run the meeting, it's okay, go do it. Concepts, never thought of them. So guess what I did? I got up, got dressed, drove to Raleigh early, went in and sang to my sister. You see, here's the key. My hundreds of forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity keep me from being of service. And I'm going to suggest for me, the outcome of this program is not to make me better. It is to make available and to help me become available to be of service, see if that is not the outcome. If that's not the outcome, again, I'm in trouble because I'll stay in that self-centeredness and I'll say in that delusion all day long. And I pay the price. But I went insane to her. My job was to sing to her now. You know what I realized when I did that? She did not think I was Lee Greenwood? I did. See, I already had David's wedding songs. I already had a company started. I was out here. If this wedding goes well, Bob, we'll start more. We'll get more weddings going. I want to end with this particular story because this fellow has meant so much to me. I lost my dad before I got sober. I missed him very much and I was not a part of his life a great deal of the time. And my amends really was to basically try to make amends to others because I missed that opportunity. Tremendously sad story. But yet again, out of that came some strength that I could do that. And Keith asked me to write a letter to my dad, read it to God, which I did on my knees and then to read it him and then go to my Dad's grave and read it to him. Then he asked me pray for someone to come into my life that I could give caring for like my dad. And so I did that and I have two. Sam who recently died a couple years ago with cancer out of Indianapolis and Bob W. out of Wilmington, North Carolina, at Castle Hayne. And Bob is a big rotund fellow. He's about 72, been in the program for about 24 years. And he chairs a group continuously called the Cottonmouth Group in Wilmington, North Carolina. And funny name. And it's in a treatment center. And so he invites me down about every six months to come and speak for him. Well, he called me about three years ago and he said, David, this is the way we talk in North Carolina, I sped it up tonight. David, it. I'd have never gotten my story out if I talked normal, okay? We'd have been here for about one o'clock. But he said, David, this is Bob. I said, well, Bob, good to talk to you. And we talked a while and he said... Now, son, I got to go. He said, but I just want to tell you one thing. I said, what's that? He said... David, I love you and there's not a thing you can do about it. I was talking to Ralph and Steve. What a wonderful, wonderful thought that is. You see, I've been like a monkey all my life. It's a monkey that gets caught by putting its hand in a jar and they put these clay pots out in the South, South American jungles and they fill them up with little sweet beans at the top. And it's just big enough for the monkey to put his hand in, but then they get those beans and they can't get their fist out. That monkey will stay there all day and just jerk on that jar. They can't move. And finally the Indians will club them over the head, knock them unconscious, put them in a little cage and sell them for research. I'm like that monkey everything that has happened to me at every age that didn't happen and did happen I hold on to it just as hard as I can I can't tell you why but it's almost like if I don't hold on something bad's gonna happen you see for me the 12 steps I thought it was gonna be having this spiritual awakening. Duh-duh, I arrived. It's not that. It's one little bean at a time I've had to let go. See, I had to admit I was powerless. Step one over alcohol that was killing me. I had come to believe the power greater than me was going to restore me to sanity around alcohol. I had make a decision to turn my will and life over regarding alcohol to the power. I couldn't do it. I had the inventory. I had admitted myself to God to another person in step five around the alcohol, that what I'd done in my life. I had to look at my part in it, my defects of character. I'd ask God to humbly remove those because I can't. I had to make amends in step eight and nine. I had to ask God to help me see around alcohol, what am I doing with that today? And I had to ask his advice and his will be done in love and then go out and help people. You see there was a time I had to admit that I was powerless over my mother. I was powerless over what she did to me. I was powerless over those actions. I had to come to believe that the power greater than me was going to restore me to sanity with my mother, and it has. I have to make that decision. I had to inventory that and share that and look at my part of it, make amends to her, and then ask every day to help me with that relationship. Keith said if I kept praying for my mother that the things that bugged me the most would become cute. What a wonderful thing. what a wonderful thing thank you for letting me be here what a privilege you do a wonderful job committee what a wonderful job you do with this conference it's quite a thing to behold thank you allowing Ann and I to be here we were married five weeks ago in ten hours, in 10 hours. And please know as we go through this weekend and as you go forward from here, I love you and there's not a thing you can do about it. Thank you very much. Thank you.