The 10th Step Recycling Process – Mike L.

Wow. Mike, you alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. Dry date, September 7th, 1985. And I really, really love to be here. I've been blessed to be at all the state line retreats, starting down at Whiskey Trapeze, and been privileged to participate in a couple of them. And this is my wonderful wrap-up for the year and gets me ready to launch. I'm going to be in the next year. And I get to be with my people. Now my mentors told me that AA is, you know, we're all family here. But like any family, we've got immediate family and we've got kissing cousins and all kinds of things. And occasionally some of us have, you know, some of us prefer aunties. Like Millie's recipe for the green bean casserole. And other ones of us know just exactly how that other dish ought to be made. So but we all agreed that it's a wonderful nourishing banquet here. So step 10 kind of opens that chasm a little bit here because there are so many ways that I see it and experience it being practiced. So. What I'm going to share with you when I get to that portion of it is going to be the way I experienced it. But if you experience it differently or your sponsor suggests you do, they're right. They ultimate, we get judged by results around here. And I also need to tell you that I'm a very, very, very happy alcoholic and I think this 10th step. 10th step. That's one of the primary reasons for that. And allowing to support the continued happiness in my sobriety. Because my sobriety wasn't always happy. First of all, I guess I better take a drink. That's customary. I apologize. I came from a functional family. . . . Two parents, middle west, college town. I'm the oldest of four kids. And there was no alcoholism in the family. And I say they're functional, not perfect because we had problems. I created most of them. But when the problems came up, the family showed up and they showed up as a family and faced them. They didn't die. They didn't die. The family didn't die. And they were the ones who did it. And they did. And they did. And they did. And they did. And they did. . up as a family and faced them. They didn't form the circular firing squad that so many of my friends' families did. So I say that to you because for years I had a whole story that I actually come to believe about how badly I'd been treated as a child, and our late friend Sandy helped me with that to understand that I could have a different childhood if I was willing to let go of the old ideas and the old story behind that. And so I get to have all these things. I get to, I was sitting at a family funeral a few years ago with my crazy sister, and she went to one school, graduated in four years, married one guy, has had the same job for 35 years. What are you going to do with somebody like that, you know? And I'm not sure. And we're sitting there waiting for the service to start, and I turned to her, and, you know, there was some organ music and stuff going on. I says, Carol, I said, do you remember when mother used to send us to that, put us on the bus and send us that crazy summer Bible school? And, you know, they had that crazy pastor out there telling us we're going to burn in hell and all that stuff, and she's looking at me kind of strangely. And so finally I go, okay, what? And she says, well, I remember going, Mike, but I just remember they told us Jesus loved us, you know? Grew up right across the hall from her. It's amazing. You know? So I had to, I had, well, the first drug I really loved was approval. I was the kid you didn't want to come over to your house for dinner, because the minute dinner was over, I would jump up and start taking plates from the table and carrying them in the kitchen and rinsing them and stacking them in the sink. And sooner or later, your mom would come up and say, well, Jimmy, why can't you be like that nice Lorenz boy? Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know why I needed that, but I did. And like so many things in my life, that didn't endear me to my, I needed it, but it didn't endear me to the people that I really wanted to impress for some reason. And, you know, got good, very good grades, went, worked in the principal's office, belonged to all the correct organizations. And so I'm about 11 years old. And the miracle happened. I got ahold of enough vodka that I found out what vodka could do for me. And I didn't need approval anymore, at least not the kind of approval I'd been getting. And my parents thought there'd been a demon possession in my, our household, because, you know, what happened to our honor student? What happened to the kid that wanted to please us? What happened to the kid that couldn't wait to do the chores? What happened to the kid that couldn't wait to do the chores? What happened to the kid that couldn't wait to do the chores? What happened to, you know? So I'll give you a couple little vignettes, and I hope they sufficiently establish the fact that I didn't drink well. Because, I got into this, by the way, because my friend Don said, Mike, you keep talking about this period of normal drinking you believe you had, and somehow in your late 20s it all just kind of went off the rails. And so he walked me through this. And so he walked me through this. So I'm 16 years old, recently got my driver's license. So I'm 16 years old, recently got my driver's license. I've got a buddy and we're riding around in my car outside this little college town that I'm growing up in. And we're drinking these beers and driving along, and all of a sudden the red light comes on behind us. And it's Barney Feith, the sheriff's deputy, pulling us over. And it's Barney Feith, the sheriff's deputy, pulling us over. And everybody knows everybody here because it's a small town. I mean, the mayor lives next door to my parents, and police chief lives down the street, and that sheriff's deputy lives a couple streets over. So nobody's a stranger here. So I pull off to the side of the road, and I look over at my buddy and I says, watch this. That's always kind of a tell, by the way. That's that something not good is about to happen. So I got out of my car, and Barney gets out of his car, and we start walking toward each other. And I'm waving and smiling and everything else. And I get up alongside Barney. And the minute I get up alongside Barney, I grab Barney and slammed him down across the hood of his cruiser and took his gun away from him. And yeah. And yeah. He wasn't happy. He was sputtering and mad and all kinds of things. And he was even madder when I turned around and handed it back to him. And one of my problems is I've always been a little too smart for my own good. And in this case, what I thought would happen happened. Barney sputtered and swore and all that kind of stuff. And I got out of my car. And we got out of my car. And I took out of his car a flashlight. And I wasn't surprised. Because it wasn't always in grade six. dwarf. It had 17 vaya and contains a ton of alcohol. And we came out, and a thirdатель discrimination or H cabe Gang all that kind of stuff. And eventually came up and poured out all the beer and told us to get home, you know, with some expletives attached to it. And so we did. could belittle somebody walking down the hall. Hey, Lorenz took the cop's gun away, you know, and got away from it. And what I think, you know, my calculation was that Barney is not going to go back, arrest me, take me back, and let his buddy at the sheriff's station ride him for the rest of his career that he let a kid take his gun away. That's not going to happen. So we're just going to make this all go away. And a few years later, we had a tragedy in our house. I'm still in high school. And my father did a terrible thing. He bought my mother a new car. He was supposed to buy me a new Corvette. And the injustice of this just overwhelmed me. And so I fumed and stomped and all this kind of stuff. And my mom was always kind of my buddy. Maybe some of you had moms like this. And my mom had kind of intervened, get between me and my dad, and kind of dial my dad down a little bit. And so after a couple of weeks, she said, hon, look, I think you've got a date tonight, don't you? I said, yes. And she says, well, look, I know it's not what you want, but why don't you take my car on the date? I said, OK, Mom, I'll take it. So I take it. What he got her was this lame four-door Buick hardtop. And so I went out on the date. And nothing particularly impressive happened on this date, at least that I remembered. But like we did in those days, circled back up with the buddies and said, hey, how are you? And we did. We took a few drinks. And then we got together, and we went down to Buck's Machine Shop. And I remember a couple weeks later, after the date was over, and we started having a few brewskis and before long, we ended up down at Needed S'more. And so we went down to Buck's Machine Shop. Now, Buck was my kind of a guy. Buck was a real alcoholic. I didn't know that then. I just thought he was a fun loving guy. But he was a paratrooper from World War II and been through all the big stuff. And Buck was kind of a local legend. And some deputy had upset him, and so he rear-ended the cop car, and they had to hook him up and take him to jail in his own car, and Buck's going like this, and, you know, Buck's my kind of a guy. And when I was in the Army, Buck had sent me, toward the end of the month, I'd get a letter from Buck, and there'd be $20 in it, with a note that usually said something like, I know you've got to be broke by now, so here's $20, have one on me, kid. And PX beer then was 10 cents a bottle, so $20, you do the math, I could get along there for a while. And so we're bound there at Buck's machine shop, and one of my buddies, after we'd been drinking for a while, finally says, you know, Mike, I understand that you're upset you didn't have the Corvette, but, you know, at least you... you could have a convertible. And so one of them lit up a cutting torch and put it in my hand, and I proceeded to turn my mother's new Buick hardtop into a convertible. So, next morning at the Lorenz house, my parents bring my younger siblings, out in the garage, they're going to take them to church, you know, they're all dressed up and everything else, and they come out in the garage, and here's this smoking hulk of mom's car, with big brother laid out naked across the front seat. And I was still pretty out of it, all I can remember is hearing my mother yell, don't hit him, Art, don't hit him. And she didn't, he didn't. So it went on and on like that. They weren't always funny. I thought they were funny, I mean, come on. I mean, there was the time that my father got up in the middle of the night to find me standing in front of the refrigerator, taking, relieving myself in the refrigerator. And, you know, all this, you know, and I made up stories about how, see the fact was that he didn't take a swing at me, I took a swing at him. And we're rolling around on the floor in that kitchen, and I'm big enough I can give him a little trouble, not a lot, but a little trouble in those days, and I'm trying to slam his head into a kitchen cabinet, and my younger siblings are up, and my sisters scream and afraid her dad and her big brother are going to hurt each other. And I'm being abused, clearly. I, so after that story, Don told me, so let's see, you're, you know, the other story, stealing from the family. So you're a thief, you steal to support your habit, and you're bringing violence into your household. What description of normal drinking does that line up with? You know, and I got it. It was a good story. It wasn't just when I started losing jobs, and you started handing my engagement ring back to me, and all that kind of stuff. So eventually the miracle happened. A guy like me, well, I was telling Jess this morning, it's kind of like, I got a new Windows laptop a while back, and you know, when I first booted it up, it gave me a number. It was a good thing. It gave me a number of options. You know, it said, you know, I could have this level of Windows, or I could have a pro level of Windows, or I could have a this, you know, all this, according to what, which boxes I wanted to check and what I wanted to pay. And see, all these features were already on the laptop. All they needed to do was be unlocked. And see, that's exactly what alcohol did for me. See, all those kind of things. I, I. Alcohol exposed me. It wasn't, alcohol didn't make me do those things. It took out the barrier, so those extra features were enabled. I, whether they're a feature or a bug is, I guess, is a matter of opinion. You know, at the end, in the, in the, in the end of the day, what happened, and the men I were privileged to work with, eventually what happens, I think it all is just, you know, I can break your heart and keep drinking. I broke my parents' heart, my siblings' heart, any number of relationships. In the end, I broke my own heart. And the end of the trail for me was really coming to understand that if I loved you, I was going to hurt you, whether I wanted to or not. And that's real powerlessness. To look at somebody and know you love them and know you're going to hurt them, no matter how much you don't want to hurt them. I know I'm acting like a sociopath and a psychopath. And I can't stand it, but I can't not do it. And that brought me to the surrender. And I don't have time to tell the extended story, but where I ended up, I'd made numerous attempts along the way to get sober. I was not anywhere near my first crew to go that way. And yet, I'm just standing here. So, survived. Yeah. I was out of insurance, I was out of money, I was out of all my resources, and I ended up back on Buck's doorstep. And Buck and his wife had gotten sober seven years before, and I hadn't liked that because I lost a drinking buddy and a mentor, and I thought they'd become, I think about the nicest thing I called them was church puppies, because they were praying and, you know. But I ended up on their doorstep needing help, and I knocked on that door, and they were both home that day, and Buck and Nettie came to the door, and they looked at me, and then they looked, they looked at each other, and then they looked back at me, and there were no words spoken, they just reached out their arms and pulled me into their living room, and held their arms around me, and said a prayer for me to get better. And then Buck put me in, he was a practical man, he gave me a drink and put me to bed, and got me to that detox that was another hundred miles down the road the next day. And the guy that thought he'd done so much and was so smart came up. See, our spiritual messengers are often really funny ones. One of the guys that was most effective with me is a guy, I don't know his name, probably never will, was a little orderly wearing a gray set of scrubs with a clipboard, and he came into the place where I was flipping and flopping, and he says, Mister, they tell me there's a good chance you're not going to make it, where do you want your effects sent? He didn't plead with me to do anything or not do anything, he just gave me the cold unvarnished truth, and I recognized it. And I found myself on my knees by an old army cot in that VA center, and I said, I've got an education, I think I've done a lot of stuff, I've made some money and everything else, but the only thing I can remember is, now I lay me down to sleep. But our book tells us, as I found out later, that God doesn't make hard terms. And now I lay me down to sleep was perfectly acceptable. I, uh, I got out of there, and we'll fast forward, I got into my junior guru phase in AA when I returned home, because I'd never really been a member, I'd just kind of been one of those guys that came through like a rock skipping across the pond. And so I came in and I went to 11 meetings a week, which was about what you could do where I lived then, and 11 meetings a week, and I got out of there, and I said, I've got a service position every place I can do it, and if you want somebody to make your coffee, or, you know, be your intergroup representative, or whatever, you know, I'm the guy, you know. And the miracle of AA happened for me, and it happened for me in just a few years. The guy who was told to never try and return to the industry I'd been in before, and been very successful in, and now all of a sudden I've got a new career, and a new industry. I've met and married a wonderful woman. She's got an 18-month-old son, and I'm back living on the cul-de-sac. And I'm an AA success story. I'm doing things like, I remember at one point in time it considered, I got a big check from a deal. I closed, and I was wondering whether I should make amends with it, but then I decided I should buy a new sports car, because it would give hope to the newcomers when I drove it into the clubhouse parking lot. I mean, you know, I'm willing to go to any lengths here to help others. And as my fifth anniversary in AA approached, miracles happened. I have no desire to drink. I love AA. You're my people. I love being with you. I love being around you. But I'm wanting to die with a sincerity that I never had on my darkest day drinking. I'm more hopeless five years sober than I was at the end of my drinking. See, maybe somebody, the person I'm looking for is the person who's going to be able to help me. I think newcomers are okay, and they're probably necessary. But my heart's desire is the person with five, ten, fifteen, twenty years and more that's dying inside of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, because they may have done something like I did, where I came around here, and I love the fellowship. I love everything else, and that's all good and necessary. But I did here in AA approximately what I did when I went to the University of Iowa a long time ago. I went over to the field house, signed up for all my classes, bought my books, joined a fraternity, threw the books in the closet, and started partying. And if you ran into me on campus and asked me what I was up to, I'd say, well, I'm a pre-law student here, sir. And that was technically true. I was registered. But I wasn't in class very much. And what I did to AA is, I mean, hell, I even founded my own meeting, so there'd be one where it was all done correctly. And I didn't miss a meeting, checked all the boxes, did all the service stuff, all that kind of stuff. I just missed the program, Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a slogan slinger. I listen to recordings. I had four Cape of the Month clubs going at that time, you know, so I could stay up to date on my BS, you know. And so I could have words, but I didn't have any personal experience behind those words. And so I'm dying right here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And since God's got a sense of humor, my life got saved by the people I like least in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's too long a story to tell, but I got 12-stepped into my home group by a bunch of active tent steppers. That's the way they got me. One of the ways they made me stick there in that home group. They started me with a step experience, but what happened after I'd come to that home group and was pretty sure I might never go back again, they hooked me with two things. One, the guy that attracted me there said, Gee, Mike, I'm supposed to, I'm stomping out, you know, because I didn't get what I wanted to get going there. And... He comes up to me as I'm heading out the door and he says, You know, Mike, I'm signed up to chair next week, but I may have a business commitment that will prevent me from being here. Would you be willing to chair the meeting next week? Well, if you need me to run your group, I'll come back. You know. And so that's what I did. I came back and I got looped in and it was a couple weeks later, the old timer in the group, that old timer at that time, had 25 minutes. And I said, Well, I'm going to be back in a couple weeks. And the old timer at that time had 27 years. And Gary and I were having a cup of coffee and the old timer in the group, I'm the newest guy in the group, says, Hey, Mike, I need to tell you something. He says, I was dishonest at work this morning. And he went and laid out his dishonesty with his employer and with a customer and all this kind of stuff. And... And... And he laid it all out for me. And he wasn't... I, at that time, I thought he was maybe asking my advice and found out he wasn't. But he said, You know, before the meeting tonight, maybe you and I could stop down by the Progress House and see if we can find a new guy to talk to. And I did. And so they started hooking me in. I started to find out this business of the tenth step was not something they just talked about. Not something they just talked about in the meetings, but something that they actively did in the meetings. And by including the newest people in the group. Now, that didn't mean he didn't talk to his sponsor or another somebody else on his peer level. But it's a beautiful way to bring the new person in and make them feel a part of, in my experience. When I'm a jackass, I'm a jackass. And one of the lovely things about this is, I look at the tenth step as my spiritual antivirus program. Because our first instruction here with this is that I continue to watch. And they said, Mike, what do you think you're supposed to watch? Well, I've got my eye on all those people out there. He said, No. Maybe you ought to watch how Mike has shown up. Who are you bringing into the meeting tonight? Who are you bringing into the office today? Who are you bringing into the client meeting? And so forth. So if I watch, I can see that I'm wound up. Maybe I need to take a three minute meditation in my car before I go walking in there with my stuff. And bring in my stuff. And bring in my stuff. And spreading, polluting the meeting, and polluting the business, and all this kind of stuff. And it's amazing. See, it's, unfortunately, I developed a really high level of skill in terms of making amends. I can make very nice amends. But it's much better if I don't need to make the amend. And I become more and more conscious of my life. And as I, it's a great way for me to prevent myself from causing trouble for myself. I, the delight I have in my relationship with my sweet Jessica is greatly enhanced by this whole thing. Now, unfortunately, I'm still stupid and make mistakes. Because I sometimes think I've got a level of cuteness that just needs to be shared. And she'll miss something if I don't give her the full cuteness routine. But when I see that I've misstepped here, I don't have to do what I used to do. Well, if I just wait this out, it'll blow over. I'll give you an example. A few months back, we were driving home from a, she'd accompanied me to a Sunday night meeting. And we were driving home and we were having a conversation. And I asked her something. I says, you know, I don't get it. What's that, do you know what that store over there sells? And she starts to explain to me. And in the middle of her explanation, I go, hey, look, gas is $2.22 at Kroger. And I might have just, you know, just watched her whole, she didn't say anything, just watched her whole demeanor change. And her head go down. And I did the other dumb thing that I do. I started to explain. Well, look, we were driving along fast. And if I didn't point that out quickly, you would have missed it entirely. And so I was just trying to, you know, and I was just trying to explain to her. And she said, no, no, no. So by the time we'd gotten a few blocks, the amendments had started. And see, here's the thing about this whole thing. Time magnifies harm in most of these cases. Not all of them, but most of these cases. An amend delayed is generally harm magnified and increased. Because if I have to wait and be uncomfortable for several days and a week and everything else, you might reasonably doubt my sincerity when I come to you and tell you I'm really sorry. And I told her I was sorry. I told her I loved her. I begged her forgiveness. And I also told her another piece of the truth. I said, you know, I want you to understand that I love you, but there's part of me, that I'm probably, that's not the last time I'm going to do this. I hope it is. I'm going to ask God to change me here. But it may not be the last time around. And please feel free to point that out to me if and when I transgress again. And we didn't have to ruin the weekend. I, uh, the instructions here are very simple. I continue to watch for selfishness. Probably almost anything I do. Dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When they crop up, I ask God at once to remove them. You know, when I call one of my 10-step buddies, the first thing, unless it's a new guy, the first thing he's going to ask me is, have you asked God to remove it? And he gets to hang up on me. If the answer is no. See, because one more time, I'm going to human power. I, uh, I came up with some inventory a while back for somebody, and, uh, I laid it out for him, and this particular old-timer, uh, had been reading my mail. He says, oh, he says, that's really excellent inventory. And I'm, yeah. And he says, uh, kind of sounds like somebody who's looking for information that he can use to manage his life. See, without help and without supervision, I can take the loving tools of this program and warp them. See, my ego is such that it's like water. It doesn't care which cracks it. It doesn't care what black and the foundation it comes through. It's just coming. Whether it's I'm the worst, I'm the best, I'm right, I'm wrong, it'll come at me any one of those ways. Uh, so the instructions, ask God at once. Discuss them with somebody else immediately. How soon would immediately be? You know. And, uh, one of the images I use with, with the guys I work with, I said, say I'm out walking my dog in the neighborhood and my dog takes a dump in your yard. How would you feel if I came up to you and said, hey, well, sir, I'm sorry my dog took a dump in your yard. Fortunately, I'm a member of a spiritual program. And before I go to bed tonight, I'm gonna consider whether my dog should have crapped in your yard. And if I decide my dog shouldn't have crapped in your yard, I'll come back tomorrow and pick it up. Immediately, immediately, time magnifies harm. Make amends quickly. Also, I, uh, I was a jackass. Some years back, I, uh, well, it was during the financial crisis, or at least seemed like a crisis to me. And, uh, it was late, uh, late 2010, I think. And, uh, I, uh, I finally put this thing together and I went over to the broker I was gonna run the deal through. And I, I gave the whole thing to his executive assistant. And she and I had been friendly for years. I hardly ever had to deal with the principal there because she was so good. She was just absolutely wonderful at this. And I really loved Michelle and, and, you know, just loved bantering with her and going over. I would, I would take things over instead of emailing and faxing. So Michelle and I could just smile at each other a little bit or bring her a Starbucks when I brought something in. And I came back over the next day and I says, well, Michelle, uh, did you get that faxed in, FedExed in? And because it was time sensitive, the deal expired after a certain amount of time. And she looked uncomfortable and she says, oh, no, I didn't, it didn't. And I proceeded without raising my voice or swearing or anything else to strip her skin off one inch at a time. I cannot imagine how incompetent you are. I cannot, you know, on and on and on and on. And I look at her, I'm looking at her and her face is stricken because I haven't told her a lie yet. This is going to, I'm the truth is, I'm afraid, this is going to, this looks like it's going to cost me $47, 000. And I need that money. And I'm not even outfits. through with my deal and I say, oh, I am so, so wrong and sorry. I had no right to talk to you that way. And she wasn't having any of it, nor should she have. See, here's the way the harm goes. What I did to her was akin to her being bitten by the family dog because she trusted me. She petted me. She let me close to her. She showed me pictures of her kids. She told me about where she and her husband were going on vacation and I betrayed that trust. It wasn't that I'd said the wrong words. It was that I betrayed that trust. And thank God, the first thing I learned on the battlefield is you got to stop the bleeding, but that doesn't mean you've healed the wound. And it's taken a couple of years for Michelle and I to get back on a comfortable basis. And I don't know if we'll ever get back to the original basis, probably not. But these are the kind of things that happen. For me, this is part of God's recitation of the Bible. The idea is for us to ever move forward in our life. And we've got to focus on the good worries. sporadically, for murky and really down positioning, it's going to be different for you than it ever means for others. Now, especially in violent environments, and for other ways we're being tuned, this is an approach to doing the search point. it's going to be very, very Naj-like and needy. It's going to be very, very important in our lives. anyplace else. And I knew they were going to be bumping that price up, and I pulled into the pump, and I'm pumping up, and the kid that's working there, the guy, young man that's working there, comes by and says, mister, please don't top off. And I says, look, you son of a bitch, when you start swiping your card in this pump, you can tell me how to pump my gas. Until then, I'll do it any darn way I want to. And again, I can see the look on his face. And I don't come back the next day hoping he's going to be working that pump. What I do is I immediately tell him, hey, look, I'm sorry. I had no right to speak to you that way. I'm really happy that you're here working hard so we can get the gas. And I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for disrespecting you. And he and I had a conversation for a bit, and that was good. Now, as I'm pulling away from that pump, I'm calling the newest guy I'm working with and saying, hey, John, I hate to tell you this, but your sponsor is a jackass. And I laid the story out for him. And we made arrangements to pick up another guy that night and do some sharing with him. See, the fact is that, and by the way, that's another reason that there's not a I'm a friend to build bumper sticker on the back of my car. It's not for my anonymity. My anonymity is for to protect you and to protect Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I'm a good citizen where I live. And I've got lots of happy clients that, in fact, they don't even want me to retire. But from time to time, I get into self, oh, my God, this is going to cost me 47 grand. Oh, my God, I'm going to lose out on a 40-cent cheaper gallon of gas. Oh, I'm going to, you know, some... fear that evil corroding thread comes up and I act badly. And when I do, thank God, we've got a process to heal that. See, what I believe is, like I said, this is God's recycling process. If I'm willing to take my garbage that I go out, I didn't leave home that day with the intentions, oh, let me see who's going to take it. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. Who I can insult and who I can hurt and all that kind of thing. No. I left home with good intentions. But in the process, self intervened and I acted badly. Now, if I'm willing to take that and put it into this recycling process you've given me here, my bad behavior can be turned into something. First of all, it it's a great instrument of humility. If I just kind of put that bad behavior off the side, hey, these guys I'm working with don't need to know that about me. Boy, is that dangerous. And then if I'm willing to put it through the process, it gets turned into something that can help somebody else possibly. And the other guy does... doesn't have to be...he doesn't have to be proud of what he's doing, but he doesn't have to be ashamed. And he knows that there's a solution. I'm so glad that you've given me a chance to be here with you. There are promises attaching to this step are magnificent, I think. And we've ceased fighting anyone, anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. This is a sane way of living my life. You know, my insane way of living my life was if I thought I had more power than you, then you just better suck it up and choke it down, whatever I was putting out to you. And if I thought you had more power, I'd kiss your ring or something else. And, uh, that was an insane way of living life. Seldom will I be interested in liquor. If tempted, I recoil from it as if from a hot flame. I react sanely and normally, and I find this is happening automatically. I see that my new attitude toward liquor has been given to me without any thought or effort on my part. It just comes. It was part of, it comes with the membership in the spiritual gym here, folks. That's the miracle, but I'm not fighting it, neither am I avoiding temptation. I feel as though I've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected, not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It doesn't exist for me. I'm neither cocky nor am I afraid. That's our experience and that's how I react, as long as I keep in fit spiritual condition. Now, see, I, you probably picked up by now, I tend to think in images and, like I said, I think what I have here is a membership in the spiritual gym. And, uh, you know, right after New Year's, the gym, there are a lot of new people that show up at the gym, you know. There, there are a lot of new people that show up at the gym, you know. They're, they're what, they've got a, they've got a New Year's resolution or they're trying to get ready for spring break and get in that swimsuit and, you know, all these kind of things. Uh, but, you know, after a month or two, uh, the gym isn't nearly as crowded as it was before. Uh, because you gotta have not just a membership, you've gotta use the membership. And see, what I believe in, and I believe in, is that, you know, you've got to have a membership. You've got to use the membership. See, what I believe are problems are simply the, the weight I get to lift in the spiritual gym today. See, all fitness comes from working against resistance. And spiritual fitness is no different. I'm working against the resistance of self. I'm working against the resistance of ego. I'm resistant, working against the resistance of fear. All of these things. And it gives me an entirely different approach and way to look at what I believe are problems, injustices, and all these things. Uh, if I look at, oh, this is just my workout for today. Uh, and, you know, the fact is, if you go to the gym and if you get fit, uh, what, you know what they do to you? They give you more weight to lift. They give you more weight to lift. They give you more repetitions to do. Your workout lasts longer, not less. And so forth. I'm dealing with some health issues right now. And, uh, I've got an ego. I'm putting myself out here because I'm put, I've got an ego that wants to tell me it's okay for me with this condition and the treatment I'm taking. And, uh, I'm telling you that I can dial back the gym. Uh, but I'm telling you that if I dial back the gym, I'm dialing back on life itself. And so it's, even though it's harder than it used to be, some nights I have to show up in front of that gym and I look in the window and I can watch those people on the ellipticals and working out on that. Uh, I'll tell you, I'm not a gym guy. I'm not a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. And I'm not a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. I'm a gym guy. And I just sit there, oh, I don't know if I can do this tonight. Oh, I don't know if I can do this tonight. But just like you've taught me, if I can get in there and get started and get moving, life flows through me again and I've got an answer. So thank you so much for loving me and thank you for letting me be here with you. Thank you.