The 10th Step Awareness of Being Uncomfortable – Alice M.

thank you so much david thank you everyone i'm alice i'm a recovered alcoholic it's so lovely and a little nerve-wracking to be here but i'm really really excited and honored to be invited and um by the way my my home group here in sacramento is called group three we meet both in person and on zoom. And, uh, David L is going to be coming up and speaking, um, in a couple weeks here. So maybe I'll put the message of the information in the chat later. Um, yeah. And thank you for the invitation. You know, I I'm all about the big book, but that line from the 12 and 12 popped in my head when Alice extended the invitation and I'll explain a little bit why I'm going to read a little bit from that page 97 in the 12 and 12 in the middle of that paragraph where it says, but we recoiled from meditation and prayer as obstinately as a scientist who refused to perform a certain experiment lest it prove his pet theory wrong. Of course, we finally did experiment. And when unexpected results followed, we felt different. In fact, we knew different. And so we were sold on meditation and prayer. I'm going to share with you something that I wrote when I was struggling to just not drink. Guess how that worked out? I was struggled and struggling, and I knew I had to do this on my own. I knew that I had stay strong, and I knew that, um, I just needed to try harder. And I knew that Alcoholics Anonymous wouldn't work because I knew an AA, um... I mean, I hadn't been to a meeting yet, but I knew this stuff, that in Alcoholics Anonymous, there's some sort of ceremony where they make you pick a god or a doorknob. And I'm like, oh, that sounds really weird. So I'm like, obviously it doesn't work. Um, and I thought that the solution to my drinking would be journaling. And actually, I thought I was going to publish this when you hear it's so bad. But here's something that I wrote. And this is a few months before my clearly God-given sobriety date. I wrote, this is so bad. Chardonnay is necessary. It is water, it is air, it is sustenance, it has shelter, it overrides everything else in my life, it's more important than friends work, health, love, it is needed and it is necessary." And I really believe that and listen to that is water. It has air, you know, its sustenances, its shelter, right? And later on that same page in the 12 and 12 there's this beautiful line those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it than we would refuse air food or sunshine i mean you could have just knocked me over with feather first time i read that line um but and i'll describe my current practice and experiences with step 11 but i also want to share um just the very first time I ever prayed. And it's because of you guys. It's because of Alcoholics Anonymous. Obviously, the journaling didn't work. I still drank, I drank and drank and drunk. And I finally had a moment where I realized that I finally got it through my skull that I could not stop myself from picking up that next first drink, you know, what it means to be powerless, what it means to be beyond human aid, even my own, that my own strength and determination and love for my family and, and all of those things just wasn't going to stop me from picking up. And that was so devastating, so devastating. And I'm so grateful for that desperation today. And some of you know this part of my story but I'm a crazy cat lady and um and I had that that realization my husband asked me he caught me drinking before going to detox I'm just drinking right out of a bottle as I'm trying to pack my bags and he just looks at me and he says is that going to be your last drink and I realized I don't know how to have my last drink I don'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT terrified me and we get down to the detox facility they led me back to my room and there was a cat sitting on the bed And it, very unexpected. And I thought this is a sign from the universe. And I had a moment where I thought maybe there's a power greater than me. I just had never considered that before. How embarrassing, right? And it's a cat sitting on a bed, but I fell to my knees and I started crying because I thought, is this what people are talking about? That there can be a sign that I feel like everything's in divine order and I'm supposed to be here right now. Not I'm going to be okay, but I already am right now? And that detox was right next to an AA meeting and they made us go. And for the first time in my life, I heard the word God with completely different ears. I just had to reach that point of desperation first. I had to be willing, I had to recognize that my human power wasn't working and it felt like drowning oh of course I'm going to reach for a life preserver and up until then that life preserver just looked like a round piece of plastic it meant nothing to me God meant nothing to me, your spiritual solution meant nothing and suddenly I have this experience where I'm grasping for it, I want it. I want what you guys have. And swigging out of that bottle, that morning remains my last drink. Obviously not Alice Power. That was the morning of October 14th, 2013. And getting out ofthat detox facility, I was terrified, but I'd already met my sponsor. i you know i met her on day zero you know i had someone offer a solution um i had a home group that um my original home group that made it really clear that i wasn't going to recover by hanging out with them in meetings that you know there's actions to take and i believe them i believe because they were demonstrating what this 11th step looks like and they, they sure made God sound attractive. And I don't remember at what point we were at in the book, but when I was two weeks sober, I was sitting in my, sitting in my car in my lunch hour, which is where I usually drank. And, and I had one of those moments where I wanted to drink, but I don t want to drink. But I want to, I don want to drink i want to i want a drink i don't want to drink and this is going on and on and i and i don t even remember closing my eyes but i must have because i opened them and and there were beams of light coming off this brick wall where i was parked and i can't describe it i cannot and i know um i know there are people here who have had one of those bright light experiences you know what i'm talking about we know they're real and they're indescribable i don't know what I couldn't but it was it it was a it was feeling along with a vision where I just this overwhelming sense of um safety and that night um as i was laying in bed and i was journaling um and i thought i think i i think really think this higher power stuff is real i really think it's real i realized that i hadn't i hadn't thought about drinking the whole rest of the afternoon that that constant thought that battle was gone. I can't do that to myself. That's not of me. And I looked up at my ceiling and there were beams of light on my ceiling. And I look over and it was my bedside lamp, but I'd never see it do that before, you know? and by the way cats sit on beds you know it's but but that was god too because i received it as god and in that moment i looked up at my ceiling and i just kept saying thank you thank you thank you and i'm like oh my god i'm praying this is what people are this is what people are talking about I'm talking to this power I don't understand and I can't comprehend and you know very recently I completely had did not think it was real and now I'm talking to it and I am just I am all in because I've never felt like this before I've never had that thought of drinking gone from my head and I was like what else can he do what else can this god do and i and then i had you know more grandiosity and i remember journaling and thinking what am i going to call my higher power maybe howard from like the lord's prayer howard be thy name like i thought i had to be cute and fancy about that and no disrespect to anyone who does that you know but i thought I had to Be Fancy and I had an overwhelming thought of You know, you can just call him God, right? And I was like, stop trying to be different, Alice. But I've been calling him God ever since. And that bright light experience was not an awakening. It was an experience. i remained still very selfish and self-centered and i had lots of work to do and i still do you know in taking these steps and and facing my resentments and making amends to people and you know so much action to take but that that spiritual experience although i still was um still very sick but that experience gifted me with a rock solid faith where there is uh calvin no doubt no doubt that this power is real and since that moment i've i just want to get to know that how i'm grateful that we have this framework with which we can do that that um all my ideas about god all my idea is of of myself and what alcoholism is and about the people that i thought would wrong me like everything turned on its head and um i started feeling a tingling feeling when I would pray. I can't make that happen. You know, these things that are happening within me but not of me. And today as I practice step 11, I love that these directions we have in the big book, I can do them over and over and over again and expect different results because God is limitless. It keeps getting better and sweeter and it gets really fun to be wrong. It gets really find to find out that I'm wrong about something, because then the world just keeps getting bigger. My own mind will still limit things and decide fixed ideas or judgments about, you know, how things are supposed to be or whatever. And whereas I used to get really defensive, and I would dig my heels in and have to be right. I just don't have to be right anymore. And what a freedom that is. Um, and the flow that I get to go with in continually striving to just do whatever God wants me to do, um, is man, I, um... I had been making really heavy going of life for a little over four decades there, you know? Um, and but I'm grateful for all those experiences today. And, and today, the way I practice step 11, um, I go with the suggestions that we have in the big book at night, you know, I ask those questions that are on 86, essentially asking God, how was my 10th step today? What did I miss? You know, in my 10-step awareness, I'm going to miss stuff. So where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and afraid? And I ask God those questions because if I'm asking myself, I will get into that morbid reflection, you know, and self doesn't know. Self thinks that self is just fine. But if I am asking God, I can trust that the answers will come. And so I asked God those questions about how was my 10-step awareness today, as well as going further, like, you know, was I kind and loving toward all? What could I have done better? Was I packing into the stream of life or was I thinking of myself most of the time? you know and it's a rare night that i can you know report that i've done everything i could possibly do but i also get to practice this without delving into self-pity like i used to i can see my wrongs without um getting so wrapped up in them because i can strive for perfection and no i'll never hit it and that's a that's an neat trick for you know a person like me who very black and white thinking for a long time. So I make that review. And, you know, several years ago, I noticed that although I was pretty disciplined with the nightly review and step 11, and I'd always add in with my prayers, just how grateful I am. And like, looking back on the day And, you know, whatever I've been worried about was fine, you know, and, and every morning, I would wake up intending to ask God to direct my thinking. But what's my first thought? Oh, what time is it? You know, five more minutes. What did I agree to do today? How can I get out of it? You know like some form of fear when that alarm clock goes off where if I wake up before the alarm, oh my god, I woke up before the alarm. I cheated myself out of sleep, you know, try to go back to sleep, you know all of those thoughts and I realized that I was in some sort of form of fear when I wake up but every night I'm like oh my god it worked out, God. Everything that I was fearful about and worried about it was just fine. I'm like what am I going to connect those dots? So one night in my nightly review I asked God, can you help me wake up with the same faith and gratitude that I feel right now? And the next morning, I'm just gaining consciousness. And the only thing in my head was just God and peace. He did that. And so I continue to do that every night. I just asked God to help me wake up with him. And it works, you know? Like, why wouldn't it work? Ask God to health you pray and meditate. And he does. Man. And it still gives me like a thrill every time because like, and I hope I never cease to be amazed, right? Like, I don't want to take that for granted because it is so, it's thrilling and joyous That this power, this power that's so loving gets to be a part of me on a daily basis. and it's so fun when like these intuitive thoughts that um you know we all know or i'm assuming most of us know that um that how joyous it is as we get to sponsor others and we get the light come on right you know but then like when i get to have passing encounters with somebody that maybe I only meet once. And then I find out later that maybe something I said or did had an impact, like, you know, it's like that. I don't know why that just, it just tickles me because I, I know it's not me. I know It's, It's not of me, but it happens through me and it's like yes please more of that use me god use me i don't talk about this much um at group level but i um i suffer from chronic pain and it um it came on after i had gotten sober thank goodness because i'm sure i would have um i would not have responded well you know had i been drinking at the time um and although it you know in the beginning it felt like the worst thing in the world today, it has enabled me to be home and to be available, to be helpful to people. This platform has enabled us to be hopeful to more people more frequently. um and so today i'm at a place where when the pain is is you know flaring up more intensely it sounds corny but i can sincerely say thank you god keep using me i don't have a desire to change a thing um and this trust and faith that i have in god and god's plan doesn't come from a place of logic or reason or intellect and so sometimes it feels weird like you know um because i lived for so long relying on you know my um my own self and my own ability to reason and and all of that i was so attached to that. And so it can feel strange sometimes, and yet the peace is there regardless, regardless of what happens. I don't have to be so attached to my way anymore. And we've got that line in the book in chapter seven where it says, when we look back, we see that the things that came to us when we placed ourselves in God's hands are better than anything we could have planned. I strive to feel that now, you know? I want to feel it now rather than looking back. Now in those times of trouble and strife and uncertainty, right now my husband and I are facing some uncertainty, some big decisions to make, life stuff. And I can step back and be like, why am I not scared right now? This is the kind of thing that would have me tripping. And yet, nope, nope. Still trusting God and still trusting that if we somehow make a decision that maybe isn't right, so to speak, I know I can learn from it. And man, I am not a person who spoke like this 10 years ago. And I should share, you know, I grew up in an alcoholic home. Well, that sounds dramatic. My dad's an alcoholic. And so there was some trauma there in childhood. And I had this idea that faith was something that you were either born with or you weren't. I don't know where I got that idea from. I didn't even think of it in those words. I didn't realize it until retrospect. Like, yeah, I really just had this feeling that there's I'll never have faith like my sister who's a normie she always um wanted to go to church I never did and so it was just like that's just that's how it is and I and I really um believed that I was not missing out on anything you know that you all that have your beliefs like that that's I'm glad that keeps you happy I think it's delusional but you knowthat's fine um i was never a seeker i did not um i really did not think that i was missing out on anything and um and so thank god for that alcoholism right thank god für every drink i did not want to take that convinced me the limitations of my human power how devastatingly limited my human power is and um i should share that my father is um he's been sober in alcoholics anonymous for almost 27 years now i had evidence right in front of me that alcoholics anonymous works that it's effective um but i could not connect those dots i believed my opinion over your experience until i need the experience myself but um and my parents live back in the Midwest and I'm out here in California. But one time when I'd gone out to visit after I had gotten sober, my mom pulled out a bunch of old drawings and poems I had written as a kid that she found just rooted away in a closet somewhere. And she shows them to me. And you know what the poems were about? Not about cats. They were about God written by me as a child. I had no memory of that. I'm looking at this. I'm like, when? Deep down in every man, woman and child, it was there. I still don't remember it, but it was there. And now it's back. I wouldn't want to relive the decades of uncontrollable drinking. I would not want to relive them, but if God wanted me to, I would. And I'm grateful for all of that time. Um, and today I get this connection, this guidance that, um, that handbook that we all wanted growing up, you know, thinking everybody else got the handbook, everyone else got, you Know, um, kind of knows how to face life and I don't, I'm different, you know, all of that kind of thinking. And today I'm not so different and I've got that handbook right inside of me. And as long as I'm willing to continue to face my current self-centeredness, my current delusion that I'm somehow separate or different or better or worse than anyone else, that seeking of self that separates me from you and from God. I'll still have those thoughts that like, if I'm uncomfortable, that I need to seek comfort. That sounds so reasonable, doesn't it? You know, like, I want my blankie and to binge watch some TV and a cat on my lap and maybe some comfort food. And man, that doesn't last when I'm uncomfortable. I need to comfort somebody else, and that's what does it. I had it so backwards wanting to seek to love myself, seek acceptance, seek self-forgiveness, and I'll never receive that by seeking it. But when I continue to seek God by helping you, by being inconvenienced, by being open to helping others um man i'm not so interested in myself but i'm um i'm good with me in a way i never was i am just before this i got to meet with um a sponsee and um Um, praise always feels really uncomfortable, you know, because I know that it's, um, I don't take credit for my sobriety. Um, it's not a personal accomplishment. It's a gift, but, um. I just loved her wording. She just, she just said, you matter. and I start crying you know um I but I used to go around hurting people and I didn't even know it you know so I want to keep going around helping people and not know it um but we do matter our words matter you know these little acts of kindness just responding to that responding to that God guidance, you know, when an idea pops in my head to reach out to somebody or call somebody or send someone a picture of my cat. Cause I do that. I'm the person who does that, you know, but, but to, um, to reach out and connect when I respond to that in that moment. And I, and I know it's God and he's working through me like what an honor is that right? What an honor that we get to experience God working through us. And I hope it doesn't sound like bragging. I mean, it's not. I'm excited about it. But not too long ago, the idea popped in my head. I reached out to somebody that I haven't seen in a little while. I'm not close to this person. I don't think we've ever spoken on the phone i just it popped in my head so i reached out to this guy just hey and a text wasn't even a phone call and um and this guy's been sober for a long time and he reported to me that um in that very moment he was about to drink and he didn't how thrilling is that like i hope i don't miss those opportunities god wants to work through I mean, I hope I'm open and I take that action in that moment. What an honor, right? Like, that wasn't Alice making a decision. That wasn't Ellis trying to be helpful. Just open. Um, I'm so grateful, so grateful for, um, those little giant opportunities that we get in here. And I want to still feel that tingle and that, um. Amazement. But God's real. That's one of the most surprising things that I, that, um, I had no, I had No idea. Um, so yeah, though, I say it like I didn't, I wouldn't want to go through it again. Um, if I had to, yeah, I would drink for another 20 years to get to know God again, if that's what he wanted me to do. And I'm not saying, I mean, like in another lifetime, you know, like, um. like i'm open i'm open to suffering i'm open to um whatever his plan is and um the fact that it's just so magical it's just so magical and um i feel like i am going to babble some more. So I'm going to wrap it up there, but I want to say that I love you. I love this opportunity. I love our literature. I put my phone number in my profile name because I truly am open to opportunities to interact with people and to be helpful. may I never forget that this is a gift and I'm just I'm going to repeat myself I'm really, really, really grateful and that is enough out of me thank you again, thank you, I love you much appreciated uh kelly m come on up uh thank you hi everyone my name is kelly and i'm an alcoholic house thank you so much for your message um um i've heard you before you're fantastic i love it uh i do have a question but you kind of sort of ended uh answering it near the end but if you can elaborate a little bit more so i can get just a littlebit more from you be greatly appreciative you talk about um um if you were to ever drink again not that you want to but if it was God's wishes um that you would surely do it again so I think we should have yeah absolutely yeah I think it's weird that I said that like it came out of my mouth you know and I'm really thinking because I always think about like um I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it And I'm open to suffering, but I would not want to relive all my years of alcoholism. And then I was kind of like correcting myself, like, well, whatever God wants me to do, like if there's another life, you know, if I come back in another life and go through it again. Yeah, to be helpful to others, like just trusting in his plan. And I don't think God ever wants me To drink. you know and the um obsession has been lifted i've been restored to sanity um but hey you know like whatever whatever god's plan is like that's that's where my trust is i'm along for the ride i hope that makes sense thank you kelly wonderful thank you kelley uh nancy come on thank you it's nice to be with everybody tonight i'm nancy and i'm an alcoholic it was great hearing alice and i really appreciate that can you say a little bit more if you're comfortable about like what the process of your 10th and 11th looks like i always struggle with that with making it meaningful and having it not be just my voice but uh having it be god being able to speak to me in a way that that moves me forward but um i get i get a little tangled up sometimes. Yeah, no worries. Um, yeah, absolutely. So my 10th step is really the awareness all day of, um, my own discomfort and that it's, I'm just, if I'm uncomfortable, it's probably going to be selfishness, honesty, resentment, and fear. And in that moment to ask God to remove it, if I act on it, you know, and then, oh, immense, make an amends right there, but then turning my thoughts to someone I can help as part of my 10 step awareness goes a long way. And then at night, I'm just asking those questions that recap and I'm asking God to, to like, help me be open to the answers. Help me be opened to whatever corrective measures should be taken and to really, um, be willing to hear that voice so that I can face whatever self-centered thought action i've taken and and um move closer to god i hope that makes sense um i am i'm also like if you want to take down my number like i've had some experiences in the third and fourth step that just like completely transformed the way i see resentment so i'm happy to chat later about that too thank you thanks nancy yes thank you nancy and alice come on up alice alcoholic alice thank you for a lovely a lovely talk and um i always ask the question about how do we transmit our knowing to the people we work with so i want to frame it um often when we talk about willingness and alcoholics anonymous we talk about it being the cornerstone right the willingness to believe but i heard you talk about a different kind of willingness right the willingness to be fully surrendered to the power right that if god wants me to suffer like god has sent me pain like thank you god for everything thank you god for everything and it's such a deeply different thing than just the willingness to believe right and i'm imagining that when you got here if somebody had said yay let's be willing to suffer you'd have been like what no i didn't come for that so can you talk about how you transmit that profound deepening of willingness to the people that you offer yeah that's a great question, Alice. Thank you. I love you. Um, I find that really sitting with someone through that first step experience is key dwelling on the hopelessness because when, when the, the alcoholic fully feels like, Oh my God, I'm going to drink again, whether I want to or not. And like, I cannot manage my own life, like on my own power, this is not working when they feel the heaviness of that they'll crack open and the power's already there you know if I try to convince somebody to seek God or convince somebody to have willingness it feels like it's a wasted effort like I don't have to convince the willing and i personally wasn't willing until i truly realized the predicament that i was in um and then it seems that um they kind of take off you know i mean like a rocket you know like really interested in in seeking this and experiencing and then start experiencing that power they start seeking more of it um but yeah sitting with that first step pain i think is key thank you so much alice nikki g come on out hi everyone nikki alcoholic um thank you so much for your share alice it was really nice to hear from you and exactly what I needed to hear um as I sit here in my uncomfortableness of everything that I have going on in my life and I'm just always like trying to find um a solution you gave me the solution tonight it was like as I'm seeking comfort and as I'M like trying to fix this and you know through food or alcohol or any of these things. Like your answer was like, I give comfort instead. And I'm like, to me, that was like such a God shot. Like I need, that's what I need to do. I need it be outward and giving comfort. So thank you for that. Um, I really appreciate that. When did that click for you? Because I'm still pretty much new in my sobriety. I'm going to be at two years in December and I'm still, I was beating myself up for a long time for like not being perfect, but just realizing that this is my journey, I'm doing the best that I can. And all that matters is I'm still sober one day at a time. But when did that like, I need to give comfort and I'm like actually doing it like when did not set in and your journey and I know everyone's looks different, but just would love to hear more about like, when that started those actions started happening. Thank you. Absolutely. I would thank you so much, Nikki, I would love to say that it clicked in step three, you know, cause I think that's where, when we start shifting to thinking of others instead of ourselves. But for me, I think it really clicked when I started sponsoring, um, especially when I had like several sponsees at once, because when I Had just one sponsee, I was like all about her and trying to manage her life, which is not what we're supposed to do. And then when I started having three or four women at a time, I was more about, oh my gosh, I want to be effective. I want to be helpful and learning the literature and praying more and leaning into 11 so that I can be effective in 12. And that's when it really started clicking because it works. You feel the results. And then you're like, okay, I need to keep helping. It pays off. I hope that helps. Thank you, Nikki. Ali, come on up. Hi everybody, Ali, Grateful Alcoholic. Alice, thank you so much. We are nice to see you again. Thank you so Much for a beautiful share. You know, as you were sharing i was just smiling a lot inside because i could relate to a lot and um i was thinking about a couple of things that i have a question one is that uh when theresa and i were sort of meditating on contemplating on the on the format of the meeting the way it came was to set it up so so it's not a line by line going through the book journey right and i am a big book guy and all the people that admire are deep in the big book but what i have found is that the people that have um the depth and weight that really just moves my heart um they are deep in the big book and they walk the big books so there's no need to refer to it line by line they pour their experience on the book you know and that's what you've done today because you poured your experience that's opened up my heart and i can really relate to everything you're saying because there's such depth and wait your experience thank you for that the second thing i want to say that one thing you said it just hit me so hard because it's just that's my experience and it was so beautifully put you said today if I'm not mistaken or these days I welcome the suffering that's My Experience and it reminded me of a couple lines of a Rumi poem where he says being a candle being a handle is not easy in order to give light one must burn first you know so I get that I get that and I want to ask you this question okay if you sort of touched on it please forgive me I've been in and out of like during your talk I've Been In And Out Of Like Reflecting My Own Experience And Coming Back To You That's Just My Experience Today So Would You Please Share With Us If You're Comfortable At This Point Right Now If You Can Think About And Pray On What Is One Of The Lowest Points In The Last 10 Years Of Your Recovery one of the darkest valleys where you had to burn and then in hindsight when you look back um why are you grateful for it now yeah why are welcome in that like you know when i look back i see what i put in god said that that if you would please right right two things come to mind um, the, the physical pain that, um, that I have because at first and like seeking medical help and all these things, like it felt like I had to be, I had to fix it, you know? And then I realized that it's a gift, even though it doesn't feel like it, but another one that was just a very low point. um in since i got sober was um when my husband read my fourth step and um yeah and it was just as as absolutely messy as as you can imagine but um we got we got closer as a result and we're better than ever today and i would not have planned that for myself. That's a great question. Thank you, Ali. David Love, come on up. Thank you. And thank you, Alice, as always. That is just wonderful. I hope I'm not breaking the format, but I don't have a question. Most people here probably don't know this, but I am a caregiver for my wife. She has stage 5 kidney disease. We moved here from California about three years ago. We live with our oldest son and daughter-in-law, so we can have some backup and things like that. And about three years ago, my sponsor, who's in the Sacramento area, he told me I needed to go deeper into Step 11. And I've been around here quite a while. But I really wasn't doing much in the morning at all. And at about that same time, we started two-way prayer. And if you look at the bottom of 86, that's what it's talking about. It doesn't say two-way prayer. It doesn't say it's in writing, but that's what it says. It says the answers will come, and that's What They Did in the Oxford Group. They did two-day prayer, and if you don't know, you can go to twowayprayer.org if anybody's interested, but whatever's on your heart, you're asking God for help or for guidance, that sort of thing, and then you just kind of sit back and just kindof meditate on what I asked for, and the answers do come, and I write that down. And this week is the third anniversary for me of doing two-way prayer. And what I love about two-day prayer, and I've had people tell me, oh, I talk to God all the time. I ask him all that. The biggest benefit to me is like a four-step. I can go back three years later and I can read what I wrote three years later. And that's right when we first moved here. And what I was writing three years later is, why do I have to do all this for my wife? We've been married a long time. We've never been divorced all these many, many, very, very many years. And through this process of everything that we did, I do. I've gotten to that point where I say I get to help her. You know, I have To help her with everything she's on home dialysis, and I have to leave at nine o'clock to start setting up for dialysis for the night. She does it overnight, and then in the morning she gets off dialysis, and I fix breakfast, and then I walk her dog, and then i fix my breakfast. I do all those kinds of things, and now i get to do it, and i go to God constantly all day long, and when i'm close to God these kinds of thing just pop into my head, and this is a little card you know like the doctors and dentists give you with your next appointment on them, right? So I had a couple of these sitting around. And I wrote some 10-step stuff on this side. But you know, we talk all the time about when I retire at night and on awakening. But there's four other things after that, the top of page 87, that we're supposed to do all during the day. So I wrote those down. Thy will be done, says say many times throughout the day. Admit that I'm no longer running the show. I wrote that down. I write number three, pause when agitated or doubtful, and I wrote that down. And number four, I wrote down, ask for the right thought or action. And I carry this in my pocket all day, every day, everywhere I go. And if I'm getting a little bit off and you know, all that sort of thing, I just reach in my bucket and touch this card, and everything is fine. So I just wanted to share that. And, and I love you, Alice. And thanks for the opportunity to be here this evening. And Thanks, everybody. Thank you, David. Teresa F., come on up. Hi, everyone. Teresa Alcoholic. Thank you so much, Alice. Beautiful. And one who suffers pain. I heard you completely on that one and so many love. You know, Dave had me when he was saying something, it had me think about a question. And I've been asking this question to a few folks in our conversations. And that is that I hear us talk about, think about, share about how we talk to God, right? Through prayer and meditation or how we sit still, the practice of sitting still. That moment of silence or literature we read or these moments of pausing. There's several things I often hear about my way of communicating to God. And so I've been asking the question, how does one hear? So that's my question to you, right? Because that's just as much as the God of my understanding. That's what Dave reminded me. Some may hear through a two-way prayer. And Big Book to me talks a lot about intuition. If I really look at it as developing intuition or going back to that place of origin of our intuition. So how would you say you hear? how would you say you hear thank you thank thank you Teresa um it feels like an idea will pop into my head but it's like clearly not me racking my own brain to come up with it and I believe that's God because I'll have these experiences where I'm like okay obviously that's God. Sometimes it feels like words. I don't hear an actual voice, but it feels like words in my head. And sometimes it's just a feeling or that gut knowing or even better taking action, like just doing something that I hadn't thought through to intentionally do. But I'm just suddenly without premeditation, picking up and calling somebody or accomplishing a task or doing something. And I'm like, oh, that's me receiving God's guidance and actually putting it into action. Thank you so much, Teresa. Marilyn V., come on up. Thank you. My name is Marilyn. I am an alcoholic. And Alice, thank you so much. What a pleasant surprise because I was not expecting it, even though I saw Alice on the flyer. But at any rate, what a lovely, lovely, lovely share and i totally related to so many things that you said and you brought a lot to my mind uh i mean so i definitely have a question but i you know i'm thinking on some of the things that you were saying how throughout the day you you move in pace you know with your higher power something of that effect and uh and just how beautiful how you establish this relationship and all the signs that you got i got them all i get it alice that was beautiful but you know today um i was practicing uh because i'm still at the phase of practicing and my question is going to relate to this where i i wanted to move in love today so everything that i did i would move as i moved throughout the day i continued to tell myself you know go in love you know keep it in love you um everything even when i was walking my dog because i passed by a lady's house and she gets mad when he poops on her grass. And I was first, my thought was if she comes out here today and then immediately I said, go in love, go and love. So I had to remind myself in each scenario to, to go in life. Right. And at the end of the day of the days, not quite over, but at the end of my day out, um, I felt like, you know, I looked back over the day to see how I had done. right and I felt like I stayed in that space you know and I thanked my higher power because I know it was my higherpower but my so my question is to you I have to practice it right I had to tell myself all day you know do this you know the thought would come and then I'd say go in love and just that saying would bring me back to where I knew God's will for me was do is this a working part of your has it become a working part of your mind as you move through the days just happens or do you because I'm practicing so that's my question is it a working part of your mind something like that thank you Marilyn it's so good to see you too um it feels like a working part of my mind what I have to practice at is um continually asking God for guidance and being open to facing my own self-centered But I had a, like, really magical experience with a resentment I carried for decades just being lifted right out of me. And that felt like a cheat code to, like the rest of my life, like oh my god, if that person's not a villain, then nobody is. And now I don't get annoyed by people anymore. Like, I have a love for people that I used to not have. And so it's like that resentful reaction to people that need to play God just, like, went away. um not of me or like um not like an accomplishment of mine it was just like everything flipped after that fourth step um and so I rarely get I rarely get annoyed by people the way I used to um but I still what I have to keep practicing the asking for his guidance i hope that makes sense thank you marilyn and the infamous kevin t come on up hi hi guys i'm kevin and i am an alcoholic awesome message uh alice uh i've heard you before and uh i go to i used to go uh to a meeting mondays and you led a big book study with rebecca's uh big book studying was uh pretty awesome and uh always like when i uh listen do you alice and what am i well i do i'm just thinking about a question um uh i find when i uh i have years of sobriety but i still sometimes get in a moment where i don't feel anything i don's feel god and it's dry and i was just wondering uh how do you get out of this dryness when you pray to god or you ask him for anything and nothing seems to be coming at all. And just wondering, how did you get out of that dryness when all your prayers don't seem to work and you're still in that dry mode? So how do you get over that? That's a great question, Kevin. The best way out of it I've found is helping somebody and um i don't know why no i do know why um if i reach out and like help a stranger like it's so quick and effective because if i'm in that mode of like i can't feel god i'm i'm self i believe and if i if i go to like help my husband then if i am already in that mode that I'm going to get resentful that he didn't respond to my help or whatever, you know, I can get it twisted. But when I seek to just ask God to help, even if I can't feel God in that moment, ask God, to, um, help me be useful. And then, I mean, we have, we Have alcoholics at our fingertips today, you Know, online and social media and just reaching out and seeking to help somebody and it um gets me back right size and the the interactions i get to have we get to have with other people um the things that transpire is like okay like god is god's here you know his presence is right here i hope that helps thank you kevin uh sin r come on up good evening everyone i'm sin and i'm an alcoholic and uh i just want to thank you so much alice for your share you know i heard you uh on a meeting i don't know several months ago maybe in the early spring or something like that um on a meet-and-greet and i was really touched by that thing you shared that you was relieved from um you know your your life and you know the resentment that you had um carried for so long and somebody helped you to get out of it that was amazing um but then again you said a lot of amazing things tonight but what really hit me because I'm a selfish I'm I'm an unselfish person but I'm uh I'm a self-sufficient person, you know, the way I grew up. And so, you know, I was listening and you said something about your mom found some letters that you wrote, right? I'm not sure if you was drinking or not, but you didn't remember, right. And so, but when you got them, obviously you was sober, right, you recovered, right! So when you saw those letters being in recovery like you were? How did that, I mean, did that really go deep? Because when you shared that, you put your hands like this here, like something really, you know, hits you so deep. And so I was wanting to know what that feeling was like. Good question. Yeah. So what my mom had found was like poems I had written when I was like eight years old. And I was so surprised that I had written about God, because I don't remember that at all. I don'T remember ever believing in God or being interested in God until alcoholism brought me to my knees. So I was really surprised that, oh no, I had been as a child and why I forgot all about that, I donÕt know, but I was Really surprised. And I do also look back sometimes at things I wrote when I, you know, as an adult drinking and the difference is startling. Like it's looking at a totally different person. Thank God. Thank you so much, Cyn. Okay, so we're coming to the end of the meeting here. Alice, would you like to leave us with anything before we move on with the meeting? Thank you. Thank you very much, Philip. Just thank you. thank you everyone and I don't think I caught up with all the messages in the chat but I just want to say thank you like this is really um what a lovely group I'm really really honored and I mean it when I have my phone number up there like I'm down to connect with anybody so thank you for the opportunity I appreciate it