Terminal Uniqueness at Seven Years Old Is How I Drank Before I Ever Drank – Isaac T.

My name is Amy, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Shield Speaker Meeting at NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, with one year or more of sobriety, tells his or her story. We believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. Okay. Tonight our speaker is Isaac, and he was here when I got here, so come on up. Thank you. Thank you, Tim. My name is Isaac. I'm an alcoholic. And my sobriety date is August 21, 2007. And my home group is Easy Desert Group of Atlanta. I'm just going to start from the beginning. I was born in Northern California. I was born in Northern California. I was born in Northern California. And both my parents met in another fellowship. And by the age of two, my father had passed away from lung cancer. And so, and my mom, uneducated, working for minimum wage back then, you know, we struggled. And my mother suffered from some mental problems, but I didn't realize it. And so, right from the beginning, my whole thing was that I would notice differences in people rather than similarities. And so, right from the beginning, I just had something to be different from everybody. And whether I chose to think that way or it was just how it was, it made it difficult for me to socialize. You know, I had some friends. And I wasn't... What I felt when I was a kid wasn't any anger or resentment, but just different. And, you know, by the age of, I don't know, seven, my mom went back to school and got a degree. And she got a job in Southern California. So we moved, you know, in Northern California. All my family was up there. And in Southern California, I didn't have anybody. And so we moved to this new place where I didn't know. I didn't know anybody. And I did not know how to meet people. Did not really talk to people. And so, just kind of edged further and further away from, you know, normal society, I guess you could say. So, we lived on Catalina Island for a year. That's where her first job was. And then we moved to Orange County. And went to school there, went to high school there. And my mom... While we were on Catalina Island, my mom met another man and they got married. And they kind of went off and had their own family. But it was apparent to me that I was different. And that I was not a part of that family. And they made it visible. And so, not only was I away from the rest of my family. And I really didn't have a whole lot of friends. But now, my mother had started her own family that I was not a part of. And that's how it felt. And so, you know, I just kind of grew up just feeling different from my family, from, you know, kids at school, from everybody. And I didn't know how to handle it. And I started thinking that something was wrong with me. And that, you know, I was always the weird kid in school. And I just, I was fine with keeping it at that. And so... By the time I was 13 or 14, I can't remember how old I was, but I do remember my first drink. And it was euphoric. It was something that I loved so much that I knew right away that I don't want to give it up. You know, that I wanted to do it again. And it made me, I guess you could say, feel a part of. But it just made me not care as much. And, you know, I started drinking. And I started drinking. And I started drinking. And I started drinking. And I started drinking a lot. And I stopped caring about school. Luckily, I graduated. But, you know, by the time that I was 18, I was drinking every day. And, you know, had to wake up and have alcohol. And, you know, by that time, my mother was in such severe depression. She slept all day. And my stepdad didn't really care. And, you know, he had the emotional age of me. Or younger. He had a lot of problems, too. And so, you know, I went through high school. I graduated. And I started working. You know, I could never really hold down a job. Because alcohol was always more important to me. And slowly but surely, everything else lost its priority in my life. To the point where... If something... If something wasn't convenient for me and didn't revolve around alcohol, I didn't want to be a part of it. And pretty soon, that became people, places, and things. You know? And I... So I worked... I moved from job to job. And kind of, you know, messed around. And really didn't take life seriously. And just hoping... And I got to a point where I was just hoping that I would die or something. You know? And I didn't want to... I didn't really want to... I drank to oblivion. I didn't want to be around. You know? Nothing interested me. Felt like no one understood who I was. And I understood at the time that, you know, I drank more than most people. And no one I knew drank as much as I did. And so I wound up drinking alone a lot of the time. And, you know, by the time I was 19, my mom and my stepdad just had enough of me. And, um, basically because from... I don't remember exactly when it started kicking in. But, you know, I turned out to be a really angry person. And, uh, alcohol just amplified that. And, uh, especially when I blacked out. And so, you know, by that time I was stealing. I was, you know, just didn't care. I was stealing. I was... You know, getting in fights and whatnot. And it was just... It was not the person that I wanted to be. But I couldn't help it. You know? Um... And so, by the time I was 19, you know, my mom and my stepdad had just had enough. You know, I was very mean and aggressive towards my younger siblings. Mainly out of resentment. You know, they were treated differently. I didn't like that. And so, they kicked me out. And I didn't have anywhere to go. Um, except for my aunt that lived in Atlanta. And, you know, not having... You know, dropping out of college the first semester. First half of the semester. Uh, I moved out here. And, uh, I thought, you know, I was like, Alright, you know, this is going to be different this time. I'm on the other side of the country from... I'm on the other side of the country from my family, so they can't bother me. You know? And, um, I really wanted my life to be different. And I really wanted to try to enjoy life. And I wanted to be a good person. Um... But that wasn't convenient with drinking. And so, pretty soon... You know, I didn't know any of this stuff when I was getting drunk. I just wanted to drink. All I knew was that, you know, I wanted to drink all the time. You know? But, I had an obsession. And, uh, it wasn't long before I moved out here. You know, my aunt's rules were, You don't drink, you don't do drugs in the house, and you pay rent. You know, you pay your way. And I said, you know, I think I can do that. I think I can do most of that. And, uh, I got a job working at Kroger. And, uh, was able to pay my way, but I wasn't able to not drink. And so, and by the time that I was out here, my drinking had got so bad, and me being physically dependent upon it, that, you know, it was impossible for me to stop. As far as I could tell. I, I, you know, I wanted to. And I remember having drinks in my hand. A bottle in my hand and just not wanting to drink it. You know, because I knew how much pain it would bring me. And where it took me, every single time. I knew it. I knew what type of monster alcohol made me. And so, I, uh, but I, you know, I would contemplate that with the bottle in my hand, and then I would drink it. Because that's how my body and my mind operated. And so, you know, it didn't take me long to just fall out of good graces with her. Uh, and that's saying it nicely. Um. You know, and, you know, I was here six months and I had gotten kicked out and I was thrown, you know, I got arrested for public intoxication. And I got out and I had nowhere to go. No one wanted me around. And through my drinking, I, you know, what I envisioned was that if I could just be left alone and to drink as much as I wanted, everything would be fine. And, by that point, I was there. No one wanted me around. No one cared about me. And, uh, I could drink as much as I wanted. And no one would bother me about it. Well, you know, except for the police. But, um, I got out. Didn't know where I was because I'd only been here six months. You know, I was up at DeKalb County and I was, I was just in front of the jail. I was just, where do I, where do I go? I don't even know where I am. And, uh, I finally was able to, I never had a cell phone, so I was able to memorize all the phone numbers that I needed. And, uh, you know, I called my aunt and I said, ah, you know, I don't know what to do. You know, I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be where I'm at right now. And I don't want to, you know, I don't want to be the person who I am, but I really want to drink also. And, uh, she said, like, you know, a lot of this is still fuzzy, but, uh, she basically said, well, I don't care what happens to you, but I have, I'll buy you a one-way ticket somewhere, wherever you want to go. But first I thought about it and I said, okay, I think I know where I want to go. She's like, all right, before we do that, I'm going to a meeting. Like meeting, you know, what are you talking about? And, uh, she's like, you're more than welcome to come along with me, or you can just wait until I'm finished. And I said, well, I've got nothing better to do. Um, so I went with her and by that point, it's been a few hours without alcohol and, um, I was starting to feel the effects. And, um, I came here to NABBA at, uh, it was a Monday night at 5 45 on August 21st, 2007. And, uh, I didn't know what to expect really, you know, I had wanted to stop drinking, but I didn't know how I had, you know, I had tried the church thing and was unsuccessful. I tried, it's about the only thing I tried, you know, I tried to stop, but it didn't work and I didn't know what else to do. And, uh, so I came here and, you know, what you people were talking about made sense to me, not just logically, but emotionally, I could relate to the different feelings and, and the anger and the resentment and yada, yada, all that stuff you hear and, and wanting to have a peaceful life, you know, all that stuff. I, I, I understood it, you know, I could relate to it because I had felt the same way. And so it was the 5 45 meeting and, you know, I decided to stick around for the eight o'clock speaker meeting. And I did, I, I couldn't tell you what the meeting was about. I couldn't tell you who the speaker was, but all I knew was that I could relate. And that was a first for me because no one I had ever met could relate except for the people who wanted to drink, you know, like, Hey, I can relate to that. Um, so I stuck around and, and I, and I started to, I felt something different in here than anywhere else. And so, um, I was picked up by a group and they let me detox at their place. And they helped me out and they gave me a place to stay when I didn't have anywhere else to go. Cause even though I wanted, you know, to stay sober and not drink, no one really believed me. And for me, I couldn't comprehend that, you know, but it was, I looked back and it was, you know, they were fools not to believe me, you know, to actually believe me. And so, you know, these people gave me a place to stay. And they got me into a habit of going to a lot of meetings and got me in the habit of not drinking one day at a time. And so I was with them for a couple of weeks and I, I wanted something more and I wanted to work the steps because that's, I would, I was going, uh, my first two weeks I was so, you know, flustered. Uh, I think the word is befogged and, um, didn't really know, uh, what to do next. But I heard people talking about the steps. And so I got another sponsor and I asked him to take me through the steps and he said yes. And we went through the steps and, and, and the first step was not difficult. The first part of it wasn't difficult. It was, it was blatantly obvious. And, uh, when, you know, when I first came in, the second part wasn't difficult to comprehend or to relate to and to accept, you know, because yes, my life was unmanageable. And I, you know, I came in here with nothing and, uh, I did that by myself. And so, you know, it wasn't difficult for me to accept the first step and going on to the second step, I never had a problem with God or any of that. Um, but the insanity part kind of took through me for a loop because I really didn't, I wasn't convinced that I was insane. And what my sponsor told me at the time was just look at how you, your relationship with alcohol and that even though you know that it destroys your life and it takes everything away from you, you would still go back to it. And, and that right there was enough for me to be convinced that I was insane. At least towards alcohol. That was enough for me to move forward. Uh, it, it was obvious later that, you know, there was a lot more strings attached to that word than just that without, um, and the third step, you know, is turning my will over to, uh, the God of my understanding. And you know what they told me as well, then you followed that through with action and do the fourth and fifth step. And, uh, you know, the fourth and the fifth step were wasn't difficult for me to share that kind of stuff with people. Some of it was, but a lot of it wasn't, but I couldn't, I just, some of the stuff I didn't feel like was a big deal, you know, because a lot of the people that I drank with and hung around with did the same thing and it was normal for me. But you know, as I kind of worked through it, and looked a little deeper, you know, a lot of this stuff I did was based out of fear. Almost everything I did, not almost everything I did was based out of fear. And, um, and admitting that and talking to my sponsor about it, you know, we were able to get down to the root of the problem, which was me. And going through the six and seven, um, we kind of grazed, you know, we just kind of went over it real quick at first. I went through the steps a couple more times and more in depth with that step, but those two steps basically show the person who I am and not all bad. You know, there was some good parts of me that just were kind of covered with sickness. And then when I got to the age step, it was difficult for me to, to stay in the moment and writing the list. You know, I wanted to jump ahead to when I was going to make amends. And, uh, you know, I learned just sticking around and just going through the steps several times that the age step isn't just about, uh, writing a list. It's about forgiving the people that harmed me as well, you know, because a lot of the people that I harmed, I also owed amends to. For example, my stepfather, um, you know, he had, stolen a lot of money he had from me and he did not treat me like a human being should be treated. And I had to let go of that and I had to forgive him before I could, because even though he had done that stuff to me, I had also done some really cool stuff to him and I had to let go a lot of those feelings and, uh, and be able to forgive him before I could go and make amends. You know, and that's how a lot of that went. And so when I finally went to the ninth step, it wasn't a big deal, you know, because I was able to work through a lot of that antipathy of people towards people and, uh, be able to say what I needed to say and stick to my side of the street. You know, all that jargon that they tell you at first that winds up being true. Um, and so by the time, you know, and I saw some people on my list that I haven't been able to find or they don't want to talk to me and that's fine. You know, I've done my part and I'm okay with that. Um, and going to the tenth step, you know, the tenth step is, uh, important for me just because even though I've gone through the steps and I've been sober for a long time, I'm still, I still have defects. I still have a lot of problems that are, I guess you could say more advanced than they were. Um, but still the root is the same. And so fear. And so, um, so in order for me to keep that continuous, um, inventory and stay on balance with the spiritual being, my guests, another one of those jargon things that you hear, um, it helps me. Uh, the 11th step was, it's good. Prayer is good. Meditation is good. Um, so I'm a fool if I think that I can comprehend whatever God is and his will is. All I know is to do the next right thing. It's about as far as I can comprehend before I just start getting a headache. Um, and, uh, that's okay for me. I'm comfortable with that. And, uh, the 12th step, you know, right now with, uh, my sponsor now, you know, he said, he told me that you've been through, you know, you've worked through the steps enough, but let's concentrate on the 12th step for now. And, uh, you know, I've, I've had the pleasure of sponsoring a lot of guys. One has actually stuck around and, and, and it's been a beauty to watch him grow and to see him evolve from this insecure person when I first met him to being, you know, a strong individual who knows what to do in a time of crisis and, uh, also what to do on a daily basis to make his life better, you know, and, but I think right now, the point, where I'm at in my life is, uh, that last part of the 12th step, which is, uh, practicing the principles in all my affairs, um, simply because I, I have a pretty good understanding of how I work, how my mind works. And I have a good under, and, and I've had practice with using the tools of recovery within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But, you know, uh, right now in my life, I'm, uh, starting to deal a lot with people outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, trying to, uh, implement everything I've learned in every aspect of my life. And it is a difficult, difficult task. Uh, and, so, you know, being honest and admitting when I'm wrong and all that stuff. It's, it's not easy. Um, but it's necessary. And, so, you know, I've experienced through the steps. And, um, you know, when I first came in, I, I, I, I went to meetings regularly. I, I got a sponsor and I started doing service work. And, uh, I learned a lot from doing service work. And I met a lot of good people doing service work. And it taught me, uh, a lot about responsibility, which I had, uh, no conception of what that was before I came in here. And if I did, I really didn't care. Um, and so, um, and so, you know, I, I, I was, uh, at first the grapevine representative for the 545 meeting. Um, and I didn't know what the grapevine was. Uh, and I, uh, I, I read one and I was, and I liked it. And, and, uh, I liked, uh, when people read it and they experienced the same feelings I did when I read it. You know, there's a lot of good stuff in the grapevine. Um, and so, and for, for some reason, my home group found it necessary to send me down to Macon as a grapevine representative. And it was great. I had fun, you know, and I would go to the, you know, I would, withhold my, you know, uphold my responsibility as a grapevine representative and go to the, to the, uh, the meeting with the, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, So, this was back when NABBA had pool tables downstairs and I was a member and I would come and shoot pool after the 1.30 meeting and I would shoot pool for hours until the 5.45 and it was great. I got really good at pool and that's it. I learned not to gamble with it and to just keep it as a hobby. But you know, going down to make and shoot pool is fun and I learned how to have fun without alcohol. And so, you know, I kind of think here. And so, I had stayed sober for about a year and then, and I don't know, I don't know what was going on in my brain but I just kind of went nuts. And I got kicked out of the place, you know, I got kicked out of the place I was living. I had to go stay with a friend. And he was generous enough. He was generous enough. He was generous enough. He was generous enough to let me stay with him until I found a job because I had gotten fired from my job too. And so, you know, this was with a year sober and, you know, I basically felt like I was almost at the same point I was when I came in. You know, just like what do I, you know, what do I do? You know, I don't know what to do but the difference was is that A, I didn't drink, you know, that was the most important thing. But another thing was is that there were, I had met people in the program who liked me. You know, they were willing to help me, you know, and this guy who helped me, he was one of the first people I met at my first meeting and he let me live with him and his wife and right before I had moved in with him, his wife was diagnosed with cancer. And at the time I was just like, oh my God, you know, you know, I'll do whatever I can, you know. I don't have a job. I don't have a job so I can do a lot and I had the honor of and the privilege of taking her to her chemotherapies and, you know, being able to be there while she went through this, you know, and I spent Christmas with them and it was an awesome thing and she survived, you know, and everything worked out really well and it was a great experience for me. And not too long after that, I got the job that I still have to this day and, you know, I started off as a shipping clerk and I worked my way up to, you know, the main designer of the machines that we built and I've been at that job for almost seven years and I say that right now and I still can't believe it, you know. And while working there, I was at the end of my career. I didn't have a job. there, I love what I do, and I was, when I first started learning this, I was really good at it, and, you know, I'd always had an affinity to music, and I really wanted to be a musician, but I just, you know, alcohol was more important, and I just didn't have the time to practice or do anything, really, and so I started working at this job, and I found out that I was really good at it, I enjoyed it, and so I decided to seek higher education, and I'm almost transferring into Georgia Tech, almost there. I've been working at it for a long time, and if you were to tell me that, you know, when I first came in, I would have never believed you, because I, even though I was just naturally good at it, I hated math, and none of that stuff seemed interesting to me at all, but once I started actually learning it, and being able to see what I was good at, you know, I started learning it, and I started learning it, and I started learning it, and I started I started learning it, and I started learning it, and I started learning it, and I started I said, why not, you know, and I was scared, I'm still scared, because it's not, someone like me normally does not follow through with that kind of thing. I was basically a street urchin when I walked in, you know, and if it wasn't for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would still be a street urchin or dead, and so also, while in, you know, while in recovery, I met my wife, and we've been married for two years now, and it has been an awesome journey to do this with her, and she's in recovery as well, and her and I both have anger problems, and at first it was like a volcano exploding, and the house, you know, but thank God for, you know, the 12 steps, because we've learned to just be irritated with each other, but most of the time, I like being with her, and I love her very much, and we've had, we've had a baby boy together, and he's, he's something else, you know, right now, I'm paying for being a wild child myself, and so I don't get a whole lot of sleep. But, you know, doing all this stuff, you know, none of this stuff would be possible without Alcoholics Anonymous. I would have never experienced any of this stuff without having surrendered and accepting the fact that, hey, you know, I can't drink successfully, because that's something that I learned right off the bat when I, you know, wasn't drinking alcohol. My first two weeks was that I'm physically and mentally dependent upon this substance, and when I don't have it, I become very uncomfortable and angry, and so, and that's what drove everyone away. So, I've been able to, so, since I've gotten sober, my... My mother, my relationship with my mother had continued to be strained, and I had put forth an effort at first with them, just because, you know, I made amends to them, I wanted to have a relationship with my family, but they weren't really interested, and so, you know, we talked once or twice a year on the phone, and that was sufficient. And they caused a lot of grief in my life, and continued to do so, but about a year ago, a little over a year ago, and I had been expecting this call, it wasn't, I wasn't surprised, I was just, I didn't know when I was gonna get the call, that my mother was dead, and it wasn't easy to accept it at first, you know, because the way that our relationship was is that I never talked to her, you know, a whole lot, I loved her, I just didn't like the person she was. And I didn't like her husband either. And so, it was difficult for me to, I wouldn't really say accept, that's not a good word, but it still was kind of dreamlike to me, you know, it wasn't based in reality quite yet until I had to attend her funeral, you know. But before she died, she was able to come out and meet her grandson, and that was good, I'm glad that that happened. I went out to her funeral, and she's buried next to my father, which I'm also glad. And there was a great amount of relief that came with that as well, because when I had about nine months sober, she had confessed to me that she was using drugs again, and she was drinking, and when she said that, you know, it all just kind of came together, you know, her behavior, and my stepfather's behavior. And so, you know. And so, you know. And so, my relationship with my mother within the past year has improved greatly, and I don't have to worry about her anymore, and, you know, it's more of a relief than anything else. I miss her, but, you know, she's not in the place she was. So Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that if I show up, you know, and I do the right thing. That anything that life throws at me, I can deal with it, you know, I might not necessarily be able to dodge it, but I can deal with it. And there's a lot of crazy stuff that happens. I've known a lot of people who've died, sober and drunk, and there's been a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life, while sober. But because of what the program had promised me, and had offered me, I've been able to deal with it. I've been able to deal with it. I've been able to deal with it. I've been able to deal with it. I've been able to deal with it. I was able to deal with that. Maybe not in the most graceful way, but, you know, I was able to get through it and not drink, and keep my sanity to the point now where I'm excited about my life. I am grateful for my life. I want to be alive today. And a lot of the time. . . I feel like I'm walking in a dream almost, you know, because I remember what I wanted when I was drinking. You know, I wanted the life I have now. I wanted a lesser life than what I have now, you know. I just didn't want to be in pain anymore, you know, and not the physical pain, the emotional pain that I had suffered with me growing up. And so that's what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for my life. And I know that though all this stuff is beautiful, and I have a great amount of responsibility in my life, and my life isn't perfect, you know. I still struggle with my temper, and, you know, I struggle with finances. Not so much anymore, but when I first got sober, I struggled with my finances. Right? I know that all this stuff now is better than what it used to be. And I also know that if I were to drink, it would be gone in an instant. I've seen it happen to other people. I don't need to see it happen to me. I'm convinced that I'm an alcoholic. And, you know, I'm just grateful to be here. Thank you. Thank you, Isaac, for your experience in home. First I slept, and then I cried. Rest can wake in bed.