Tenth Step Inventory – A Woman’s Perspective Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – Sharon P.

My name is Sharon, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Sharon. I just want to thank my sponsor for asking me to do this. I'm not much for speaking in front of people, especially for 30 to 50 minutes, but God's going to guide me. And I really do need to, you know, it's been coming up in my 10th step, which I'm going to talk about today, that I really need to start working with others and the way that I know that I could do that is to carry the message. So here I am tonight. I just want to let you know a little bit about me. I came into the program a little over three years ago, and at that point my marriage was failing. My relationships, all of them with my friends, with my family, were suffering. And I didn't know why. It was everybody else's fault but mine. And it's kind of ironic that, you know, here I am doing the 10th step today when three years ago I would never admit that I had any part of any wrongdoing in anything. I came in. I grabbed a sponsor right away, somebody who had something that I wanted in my first meeting. And she ended up being a flight attendant, so I didn't really get to see her a lot. She was away a lot, and I was restless, irritable, and discontent, to say the least. I needed somebody there all the time because it was like being without alcohol for me was like learning how to walk again or learning howto walk or crawl like a baby does that doesn't know how. I mean, I had been drinking actively for a good amount of time. I started drinking when I was 12. So I didn't knowhow to deal with emotion, good, bad, or indifferent without it, without alcohol or drugs or something. Not too long after I met, when I came into the program, I think three months in, I met my sponsor who I have today. She was doing some work for me at my office. And she could tell in my voice that I really wasn't working a strong program. She heard that there was something, I was ready to drink, basically. And she said to me, you know, do you realize that if you drink again, you're going to die? And I was like, oh, come on, you now. And no, not me. I mean, I'm not one of those alcoholics. You know, I was different. Then I went home that night and I thought about it. And I thought, my God, I could have died so many times driving drunk, poisoning myself with alcohol, mixing alcohol with drugs. I was just lucky. Well, not too long after I called her back up, I said, would you please sponsor me? I really need to go through these steps and I really need to get rid of this bad feeling inside. So I started doing the steps and I did them kind of quickly. You know, some people say, you know, take your time with the steps. I wasn't like that. I had to really jump into it and do them because I couldn't stand to live in my own skin. Here I was without drugs and alcohol, and I was wired. I mean, I could barely function. I couldn'T deal with my relationships. I couldn'T deal with me work, and Iwas in trouble. So I started doing the steps, and I think probably the hardest step for me was the ninth step. Because I had to go back, probably like everybody else thinks that too, I hadto go back and rehash some things that I really didn't want to rehash. And I know that I'm talking about the tenth step tonight, but I just wanted to read from the book The Ninth Step Promises because I got so much out of doing the ninth steps even though at the time I didn't think I was getting anything out of it. I was petrified. I was slurring over my words. I was a mess when I was actually making the amends. But I knew that the promises were going to occur, and I just want to read those ninth step promises because it kind of leads up to the tenth step. It says on the bottom of page 83, we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I was sold on that idea. I was miserable. I didn't know what happiness was. I couldn't remember the last time I was really, truly happy unless I was annihilated. So to have this without drugs and alcohol, I was in. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I was always talking about what I could have done. Oh, I should have done this. Oh, we should have that. Oh, just going to drink. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. That is probably one of my favorite lines in the book. I just wanted peace. I just want it to be able to function happily without having to worry about, you know, getting high or drinking in order to deal with things. I just Wanted Serenity and I didn't know it my whole life has been chaotic. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I'm actually the first person in my family today who doesn't do some sort of drugs or alcohol as part of their daily regimen. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience could benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I didn't want to share a lot of my stories with people. I was really, really embarrassed. And it says right here, no matter how far down the scale we have gone, you know, it doesn't matter. I remember walking into my first meeting and I was thinking, oh, my God, these people are going to know I'm a drinking, drugging mother. They're going to take my kids away from me. I didn't know that the people in the meetings had the same issues as I had. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. When I came into the rooms, I had a friend who came into the sister program here, Narcotics Anonymous. And I remember my best friend was his wife. And I member her saying to him before he hit bottom, she was singing him that song by the Beatles all through the day, I me mine, I mi mine, I me mind. And i laughed, ah ha ha, that's funny. Yeah, he is selfish. But really, when I listened to the words of that song and I listened to his story, I wasn't far off from that. I had no idea how selfish I was. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. Well, that sounded good to me. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. This sounded so wonderful that I decided, okay, I'm going to do this ninth step stuff. And I had such a healing experience with my ninth step and it was so intense that I stopped doing anything after that. I completely stopped. I thought, okay well I did all this. Do I need to do any more? Come on! I had to fly all the way out to Seattle and talk to some old boyfriend who wouldn't see me, but I had to leave a message on his answering machine. I had to do a lot of stuff. Give me a break. You know, I'm happy. Things are good. Look what I have now. And all of a sudden things got shitty again. And I was calling my sponsor a lot and, you know, she was saying where are any of your steps? Where are any steps? Oh, I am on my steps. I am not on any steps. I was resting on my laurels. But anyways, she said, well, do a tenth step. And I was like, a tenth stop, a ten step, okay. And, you know, I'm going to continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as I go along. Okay, fine. I agree with that. But I didn't do anything. I didn' t like actually get a piece of paper out, you know, and do anything, I just kind of thought it. This is an action step. And even though the ninth step is a major action step too and I wanted to take a break. I couldn't. I had to keep going. And at the end of the promises, it says, Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. I'm living proof of this. I have such an abundant life today. I have three beautiful children that are very young. If it wasn't for a 10-step, I'd probably kill myself. I have a 4-year-old son and an 18-month-old son and a 9-week-old son. And I'm busy. But I also have a wonderful business that I'm doing very well at. I have great employees. I'm really blessed. And I, sure, I wouldn't have this stuff today if it wasn'T for the steps and me taking action and continuing to keep what I have. And that's, you know, sanity. So I'm going to read up as the 10th step starts on page 84. And it says this thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. I remember growing up, my father was always right and that used to drive me nuts. He never apologized when he was wrong. If we caught him on something it was like oh well change the subject. I was doing the exact same thing and the last thing I wanted to do was tell somebody, oh, I was wrong, especially on a regular basis daily. But I knew I needed to do it. And I couldn't let it go. My first experience with doing a 10th step, I realized that I was at this party and it was my friend's christening, my friend children's christening and uh there was uh his his brother was there and his brother is very handsome he looks like kevin costner and uh you'd never know that this was his brother because this guy my friend jim has like a mole here a mole there he's about 80 pounds overweight and um he's just not as attractive and so uh one of my girlfriends said who's that i said oh well That is Jim's brother. I mean, can you see? There's no resemblance, you know? Isn't that a mirror? Whatever I said, it was very mean. And wouldn't you know, his wife was standing right there and she heard the entire thing. And, you now, I was sober six months at this point. I was doing these steps. I was due an inventory. But I'm, you known, I'm not perfect. And it seemed like the right thing to do was to gossip to my friend about this guy and be mean. Well, it all came back in my face because she ended up telling him what I said. And he was very hurt and very upset. And, you know, my original thinking was, well, oh, come on. You know, he makes fun of me. She's not nice to me sometimes. You know? We try to justify. Why should I set this right? Why do I have to be the one to, you know, say that I made the mistake? Can't we just let this go? But it was eating me up and it was wrong and I knew it. And I knew, and this is something that this group of friends always does. We make fun of this person. We make pun of that person. We make them look small to make us look big. And that's what I was going back into doing. So I ended up telling my sponsor about this because I wasn't sure what to do. I knew what I needed to do, I just needed a pep talk. And she said, you need to call up and apologize right away. And I said, oh God, can't I just wait? No, you needs to. And I couldn't. So she was actually with me when we were talking about this and she said make the phone call here, here's my cell phone. and i did it i called up and i didn't get him i got his wife i said listen i just want to say that um that comment i made about your husband was really wrong it was very mean spirited and um on your spiritual day of christening your your child and i apologize and um is there anything i could do to to make it right i'm i'm very very sorry but she was so shocked she said oh gosh i probably shouldn't have even told him and i made her feel uncomfortable. Um, she said, no, no there's nothing you could do. You know, it was nothing. But to me it was something. It was, you know, me reverting back to my old behaviors me hurting people and I didn't want to be like that. You Know? That's not what I'm all about today. And since then I think I've gained a lot of respect because I think it took a lot of balls to say that and confront it. You know, we all talk about each other behind each other's backs, this group of friends. And now that I stopped doing that, I think people look at me different, the whole group. So we vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. I don't want to go back to where I was. It wasn't fun. I wasn't happy. I had no respect for myself. If I do, it could be the next thing to a drink, you know um we have entered the world of the spirit um i always like the phrase that we're spiritual beings having a human experience as opposed to being a selfish sally i remind myself of that throughout the day that you know if things aren't going the way quite like i like them to go I kind of stop and say, well, this is the way they should be going. So, you know, let's just try to deal with it. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime. I pray for this every morning. Every morning I get up, unlike I used to, and I say the third step prayer, which is, you God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do thy will. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy well always. And if I find myself throughout the day certainly veering off this path, I really need to stop and say, okay, what am I doing here? What are my motives? When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately, usually my sponsor I discuss this with. If I discussed it with a lot of the people that I deal with every day, I don't think they'd understand. Not a lot OF people are on a spiritual path, nor do they want to talk about one. And I find that the sponsor is probably the best person. And then my husband, yeah, that's not a good one either. He'll just tell me, and another thing you did wrong, you know. And make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone, which I always let things go. And I hope like, okay, I know I did this thing wrong, but if I let it go, maybe, you know, we could still be friends. Maybe if I don't bring it up, you now, we'll let it slide and it's always there. Whatever bad thing that I have with another person, it will probably always be there until I clear it up. And I want to, you know, be happy, joyous, and free. I don't want to have all that burden on me. So I do it. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance for others is our code. I have this brother that he's an alcoholic. He's been working his own program for about seven years now. He's on marijuana maintenance, and he's actually rather sick now. He has a lung disease, and I never really fully forgave him because he was pretty mean to me when he would drink when I was little. He's an older brother, and he never made amends to me. You know, he never tried to clear things up. And I was told a long time ago he was put in my life to teach me patience and tolerance. And I thought, bullshit, get him out of my life, you know? I don't want anything to do with him, and I don'T need to talk to him. And then I got sober, andI tried, you knOw, to talk the talk and walk the walk, but I still wasn't feeling it. And then all of a sudden, just this past year, I went to visit him, and I saw how sickly he was. And I finally understood. I mean, I knew he had a mental and physical disease with alcohol, and I needed to be more patient and pray for him. But somehow he just still pissed me off because I knew he was an AA and he wasn't working a good program. But anyways, I finally saw maybe because he has this debilitating disease with his lungs and he's on an oxygen tank just how sick he was. And all of a sudden it came over me that, you know, I have patience and I have tolerance and I love for this man, even though he really hurt me growing up and he continues to kind of screw up, but I still love him. And that was huge. And I believe it's because of these steps, you know? I would never ever feel that way without these steps. I didn't feel that way two years ago. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. What a relief. You know, we surrendered in step one, so why do I still fight things? And I certainly try to not fight anything or anyone. But sometimes you get caught up in the moment. Last week, one of my employees, she had an appointment at 7.15 and I squeezed in an appointment. At 6.15 to 7. 15. And when I came out, I apologized to her. I said, and to the client that was waiting that she was about to see. And I said, I really needed to squeeze someone in. It was an emergency. And she said to me in front of the client, well, you know, we really need to stagger these things 15 minutes. And I thought, okay, yeah, you're right, but hopefully we won't have these problems soon. And then when I went back into the room and I was trying to get the room ready for her, she said it again. She said, we Really Need to Stagger These Things 15 Minutes. And I wanted to say to her, who do you think you are? I know we need to stagger things 15 minutes, but I had an emergency. Didn't you hear me? You know, I could have gone on and on and On and On. And I said, you're right, and I'm sorry. I tried to set things right right away. I hated making amends. I hated it. And I want to avoid it at all costs. So if it means I have to quickly say, oh, youre right, even if I don't really think she's right, Maybe it's the best thing to do, and then later on we can talk about it. But I bring this into my business too, the steps. I find it's extremely helpful. For this time, sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we will coil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. we will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes. I can't remember the last day I wanted a drink, thank God. You know, when you really think about that, I mean, a lot of us have, you know, a few years sobriety, and sometimes we forget, we get caught up in life and we forget. I didn't drink today, and that is huge. You know? I didn't take a drug today. The other day, I was driving, and it was gorgeous. And I had the three kids in the back car, Huey, Dewey, and Louie, you know? All crammed in with their car seats. And I was listening to Sting, and my windows were down, and the forsythia was blooming. And I Was like, wow, this is like being stoned. I used to love to get stoned and go for a drive. And I realized, but I'm not stoned, you Know? the best part is I'm just me. I'm a hundred percent Sharon. There's no additives in me anymore. And what a blessing. And I can't ever forget that because I was in a very low place before, no matter what things occur to me in life, I can'T forget that. Cause that's so important that I'm sober today. Um, and you know, I remember counting people's drinks after a few months sobriety. I remember, you know, going out to dinner and, you know, ooh, so-and-so had six glasses of wine and the other person had two of that bottle. And I could tell you exactly, even though I wasn't really counting, I could tell you what they had because I just wasn't sober enough or I don't know. I wasn't in a really good place. I've decided now not to go out with that crowd anymore. But I honestly can't remember the last time I really wanted a drink, and that's pretty cool. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. Everything that I have gotten so far in AA, the family, the wonderful relationships, the good business can all be taken away from me. And it says right here we are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. So I know, as long as I'm working a good program, as long I'm taking regular inventory of my day, I'm going to probably be okay. Unfortunately, I can't get to as many meetings as I'd like, and I can hear the things in the rooms that I need to hear on a regular basis. So I really, really rely on the inventory at night and the morning meditation in the morning. The 11-step work that I do. That is our experience. This is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. This step in this big book talks about spiritual condition several times, which is imperative to my sobriety. I know if I'm grouchy or depressed or poor me, self-pity, you know, I know that I'm probably not in a good space and I probably need to evaluate what's going on. And sometimes it could come out of the blue. You know, a certain situation will pop up and it'll make me afraid. And all of a sudden I'm doing so well and all ofa sudden I' m afraid. Where did that come from? Well, for 30 years, this is how I dealt with things. I reacted to things. When I couldn't deal with things, I'd run away from them or I would try to anesthetize my feelings with drugs and alcohol. And now I have to really deal with it. And in order to keep in a fit spiritual condition, I haveと do these active steps. it is not easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and it is easy to let up upon the spiritual problem of action and rest on our laurels I do that regularly I will be the first to admit I do, I feel I'm pretty good you know I'll go through this and I'll say was I selfish, dishonest inconsiderate, resentful no, no,no because I don't feel like doing it I'm tired at night I take care of three kids, I have a business, I could give you a million excuses. I fall asleep in the chair. I can't do this all the time. And then I wonder why I'm freaked out the next day or, you know, I can'T handle situations properly because I'm not regularly doing this. Every day is a day. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. And just like I said before, you know, things are really great, but the things that got me into these, the things I got from the rooms are the same things that could take me out, you know? I could lose that family. I could loose the business. I could loose my happiness. I could losse that great feeling driving around feeling stoned, you know without being stoned. Um, every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. How best can I serve thee? Thy will not mine be done. Um, the first, uh, few weeks that my last son was born, I was pretty overwhelmed. Um, you know, I had some visitors. I had my mom one week. I had my sister another week, and I'm not really used to them because they're from Florida. And they're there, and i'm here, and you know it's okay every so often we visit. They kind of can drive you nuts. But I found myself being a little afraid of being able to take care of these kids on my own once they left. You know how was I going to do this? You know well God doesn't give me anything more than I can't handle, I would say that. And I'd say, you know, how could I best serve God? Well, to be a good mother and to get through this and to not be afraid and to put them in their car seats and take them out for a ride and not worry about somebody freaking out. You know, take good care of myself, get out and exercise. I just had a baby. I'm in bad shape. I need to do that. You Know, I had to be honest with myself and realize that I canít, I was kind of, And I was not going to meetings, and I was kind of going back into my old habits again of fear and self-pity and focusing on the problem and not the solution. And then I started to get around to some more meetings, and I started pulling out my inventory, and all of a sudden I was going to the gym, and I Was taking the kids out more, and I was, uh, doing a lot more, but, um, I have to do some sort of step or action when things aren't working well for me. Otherwise I'm a mess. And these are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. I'm by nature a very willful person. I like things done in my own time, certainly not in God's time. I had this thing, I think I shared with a lot of you, I own my own business and in the past three years I've been in four different offices because of one situation or another, zoning problems. And it's been a lot on me. And I've been looking for a place and obsessing about a place. And then I'm also, I moved out of my condo and we've been Looking for a house, but we haven't found the right house. So I'm obsessing About a house. And I'm, I've Been letting that office and the House take away so much of my energy that I'm not being productive beyond that, you know? I'm not doing the things I need to do for my employees for the business. I wasn't doing the thing that I needed to do around the house. You know, I just wasn't effective, you now? If I said, I try to stop myself during the day and say, okay, you kno, midway through and say what would God think of me today? Am I Am I doing okay? And then I wasn't doing so okay, you know. And something, I mean, well, two weeks ago I was going to make this purchase. And my husband and I have an agreement that whatever purchases I make over $100, I have to consult with him about it. But I knew what his response was goingto be about this. So put this 10-step sheets away, you know. So it was very important to me, and I was too afraid to have a sit-down because it seemed like every time we brushed the subject, it was wah, wah, Wah, Wah. So I wanted to avoid that. So I decided I knew what was best. And it was eating me up. I mean, I was a mess about this. But finally the day came where I made the purchase and it was over with, and I felt terrible. I was cutting the check, andIi was like, Ooh, this is wrong. This is wrong I'm going to have to tell him this. And then I realized, oh God, I don't have money in this account. I have to take it off from our other account. So he was going to find out anyways because he was gonna see it. This was my own personal account. So I said, okay, well, he's gonna find out anyways, so I'm gonna have to tel him. So the evening came and he was passed out on the couch. Oh, thank God, you know, I don' t have to deal with that when I got home. I didn' t hav e to talk with him about it. Well, the next day I said listen And I just want to tell you, I bought something and I spent a lot of money. And I know you didn't really want me to do this, but it was very important to me. And I'm supposed to consult with you about purchases over $100, but I really, you know, this is very important to me, you know, and it's like apples and oranges. And, you know, they say, oh, they're never going to respond the way you think they will. Well, he said the exact thing that I thought he said he would. You know, he said, but, you know, this is what we've, I've been through this and I've known you since 1995. This is something that you've always done. We're trying to get a house. We can't get a House if you keep doing this. And, and I said, yeah, I know you're right. You're right, you're Right. You're Right, you Know, and it all sounded perfectly fine. And I said I don't know where I'm at right now. I'm in a kind of in a bad place spiritually I guess, I guess I felt I needed to, to lie to you, but it was very important to me. And, and I do want to, you know, save money for house and I do want you to be able to trust me. So I promise I won't do this again. And I'm telling you this because I felt so bad that I did it. And he said to me, he said, you know, you do this all the time, but I see that you have made a lot of attempts to set things right and I appreciate it and I'm glad you told me. And he was happy that I was honest with him. And then I found out some other things that he was holding back since we were having this heart-to-heart, which were really, really helpful actually. And you know, it was kind of like the two of us were kind of getting on each other's nerves in the past month and we hadn't had any quiet time. We've been so busy taking care of kids. We didn't have any time for us to have a serious conversation. Here I was opening it up And this really actually strengthened our relationship. You know, it was great. And then I said, well, while we're at it, I did something else last month. And then I explained why I did it. And then I also explained the things that I was going to do to cut back. I gave up the expensive hairdresser. I'm not thinking about vacation, which is so unusual. Usually I was like, oh, let's go on vacation. We don't have the money, so what? We'll charge it. You know, I'm not going to do that. I was telling him the things that I'm willing to do in order for me to have made this purchase and do this because it was very important to me. And he realized that, you know. He saw that. And, you Know, it wasn't like the old behavior all completely. You know there was some redeeming qualities about that. So we can't just be too freaked out, you know, and too worried in order to set things straight right away, you know. And that was something that, like I said, I always did. I would always freak out about it and think, well, no, I can't confront this because it's too much and this person is going to react this way. I always knew how they would react. I mean, I never did. And it would eat away at me. I mean, I'd be thinking about it the whole time when really I should just go up there and say, hey, this is this. I did this. I am sorry. Is there anything that I could do to make it better? And that's that, you know. But, you Know, we get caught in our old behavior sometimes. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us. To some extent, we have become God-conscious. We have begunto develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further, and that means more action. I know what's right and wrong. When I'm doing it, I know when something's wrong. You know, when I'm saying something I shouldn't be saying, I know it. I just sometimes fall short, and I say these things or I do these things. And I'm better than I was three years ago. I'm besser than I were two months ago because I try to utilize what's right and what's wrong and try to say, okay, well, I'm going to make do without this because this is wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm going to withhold from saying that because it's probably not going to do me any good and it would probably end up having me make an amend, so I'm not going to do that. I've developed, they call this the vital sixth sense, a sixth sense. You know, a way of just knowing that if I do this, this will be the consequence. When before it was a free-for-all. There were no consequences. You know, I just drove us in debt when I was drinking and, you know, didn't follow up or finish things that I started and was late for my appointments at work and didn't get my new license when it was expired. I just lived life like God's going to take care of me. You know, I don't have to be responsible for these things. And sobriety made me a lot more responsible, I must say. I printed out these inventory sheets because when I shared before, when I first started doing a 10-step, I just kind of read the 10-stepped, you know, the line of it. I didn't finish reading the rest of it in the big book. And so I didn' t have any instructions. And for me, like probably a lot of you, you're tired at night and you're busy and if things are on paper for me and I have spaces to write in them, I'm probably going to do them. I remember the fourth step, the first four-step thing I got. There were no spaces to writing them so I was like, screw this, I'm not doing this. I'd have to get another piece of paper and I don't know where that is and I'd also have to write it down. I don' t know where to get a pen. And so I figured it would make it helpful for those of you who have never done a 10-step inventory, a formal one. This is great. I have two different ones because they're slightly different in wording, but it's basically the same thing. And next to my bed I have this nightstand, and in there I have my big book. I have, you know, my journal. I bought a new journal before the baby was born because I knew I was going to have to do a lot of 10-step stuff. And I have, you know, your nail file, your regular stuff, but it's right in a pen and a lot of paper, and I have resentment inventory sheets because they always seem to pop up when I feel like I need to do it, a 10- step written down review. And that is another thing. My resentment inventory has a lot of spaces, like I said. I think it's very important to have spaces to write this stuff down. Sometimes you have a lot to say too. So this spot check inventory that I have, you ask yourself some questions. First it says a constructive review of our day. This is only going to benefit us. It's not to be hard on ourselves. It is just going to benefit us. Being careful not to drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection. Morbid reflection, like I said, it's not the end of the world, these things. We're going to get out of this alive. My God, we quit drinking and we're still alive. If we go through this inventory, we'll probably still be alive as well. And the first thing on here, it says, was I selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate, resentful, or afraid today? Well, if that isn't the alcoholic. Um, and then you fill that in, you know, and be honest. I mean, how long, I don't know how long I kidded myself that I really wasn't an alcoholic. And then finally, when I became honest with myself and realized I'm powerless over alcohol and my life sucks, then I was able to get some freedom here. So this inventory has to be really, really honest and thorough. do I owe an apology and if so you might want to write that down in your 11th step work the next morning in the morning meditation what do I need to do right away and maybe you won't do it that day maybe something will happen but put it in the next days and then maybe finally you will do it am I keeping something to myself now which should be discussed with another person at once well, that was me last week. It was killing me. I knew I had to tell my husband. I felt so bad, you know, looking at him and just thinking, this poor guy has no idea what's going on, and I'm so sneaky. I remember my mom saying, oh, what they don't know won't hurt them, you know, and that's not good in a marriage. It really isn't, you Know, especially with finances. They need to know everything. They really do need to know everything. And if you wonder why you don't have a really good marriage or if things are a little rocky, that may be, you know. I know that for me, that's my experience. Was I kind and loving towards all today? What did I do to the person who cut in front of me? What did i say? You know, my son, my four-year-old, we were driving and before I said anything, This guy cut in front of me, and before I was able to say anything, he was like, that guy's a jerk, right, Mommy? He's a stupid jerk, and he should die. And I was like... You know, he didn't hear that from TV. He heard that from me. It came out of my mouth at one point, you know, so through the mouths of babes. And have I prayed for the people that I'm not real happy about? That was real big for me before. I remember early in sobriety, I resented a lot of people. I couldn't stand a lot of people because you're full of anger in early sobriete and you're just pissed and you really haven't finished your fourth step yet and you haven't made amends. You're angry. And, you know, someone said to me, well, pray for that person. Oh, give me a break. You know, I pray they die. You know? But today it's, you I really do pray for them, and I really do hope them well. And I really realize they might be sick or have a problem. And maybe, I have to believe that they're doing the best that they can. So towards everyone, I Have to Be Kind and Loving. Was I moody to the person at the YMCA who wanted all my identification? Those types of things. Is there something I could have done better during my day. There's always something I could have done besser during my days. I've never had a perfect day, always. I have three little kids that I'm home with all day. Sometimes I get the two little ones crying at the same time and then the other one is asking repeatedly, I want to do this mommy, I wanna do this mommy, and I'm trying to get basic things done around the house And I have to be very careful how I react. You know, I have to stay calm. I have to stay cool. And sometimes I snap. Sometimes I go, you know, I scream and I'm like, oh, my God, you know, why did I say that? You know? And then I quickly say, I am really sorry, Jake. I did not mean to say it like that. I have a lot going on right now and I am really sorry. Mommy is really sorry. And I have to really make an effort to do that all the time because I grew up with a father and mother who would never apologize. Everything they did was justified somehow, you know, good, bad, indifferent. And that's not the way I want to be. You know, I came into this program three years ago because I was a drunk mom. Now I wantto be a sober mom, and I wanto be a loving mom, and I don't want to being an angry mom. So I have to try to – and I didn't want my kids to be afraid of me either. was I thinking of myself most of the day well when I wander into those things about oh what office am I going to have and what house am I gonna have and oh let me look on the internet and there's laundry piling up and you know there's no dinner for my husband and the kids are begging to play that's probably thinking of myself all day for most ofthe day and that's when I realized to see this on paper is to realize I have to get out of that and I have to do stuff for other people, which is the next one. Was I thinking of what I could do for others or of what I could pack into the stream of life today? Did I call another alcoholic? Did I offer to do something for my husband that he normally does? Did I find that someone was in a bad spot and I needed to, you know, offer my services? And did I do the things that I initially said I was going to be doing in my list that I made out in the morning? You know, the things that I was packing into my life. Did I accomplish any of those things? Am I doing those things?" Did I avoid falling into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection today. Try to remain, um, I try to remain turning it over to God, you know? Um, I have this great life and it's not, it wasn't something that I did all by myself. It was certainly something that God gave me and I need to turn it overto him on a regular basis, you now, and not worry, you know, uh, when I got kicked out of my office because the zoning wasn't right and I just painted this one office and just fixed it up. And I was only in it for two weeks. Um, I was worried, but I knew that that must not be the space that I was supposed to be in because this wouldn't have happened. Um. You can't fight fate, you know? Um. And it turns out I found this great office that I'm moving into next week. Uh. It took almost a year to find it, but it's a better office. It's got more space. It is more conducive to my finances and I could have a sign. I could a big sign. It was perfect. But then when it was happening to me, when I got kicked out, I was worried. But if you think about any kind of adversity that has ever happened to you, there is always something good that comes out of it. I have never had something bad happen to me and I am still suffering because of it. Something always good comes out of it, so there's no need to worry. He spent a lot of energy worrying, too. Did I remember that love and tolerance of others is our code? And there's a little prayer of tolerance here. It says, please, Lord, help me to believe that this person is doing their very best at this precise moment in time. God, save me from being angry, critical, or judgmental, thy will be done. I had something to say about everyone. You do something somewhat wrong I'm going to not tell you I'm telling my friends or I'm telling my husband or I am telling somebody else because I was too afraid to tell you. I remember coming into the program it wasn't my drinking that my husband was upset about Or anybody, really. Well, I really hung around with a lot of drinkers. That might be it. If I had some people who didn't drink as much as me, they may have been concerned. But it was the behaviors that really upset people. And my husband, his arms were up. You know, like you're always complaining about other people. You're always judging other people You're almost angry. Why can't you just be happy? I just want you to be happy. And I got happy. And I want to keep that. So, you know, I have to understand that things aren't always going to go the way I want them to. People always aren't going to say the things I want they to say. Everything's not going to be the way that I think they should be. And I have accept that. I had a client who would always show up half an hour late. and you know I was really upset about that because I always had an appointment afterwards and I told her I would have to cut her short and then she'd be angry about that and then I would go home and I would say to my husband can you believe the nerve of this lady upset she can't have the extra time when I have other people and she's a half an hour late and you know my husband was just like this is great conversation, Sharon, but, you know, why do you even keep her? Why don't you make it so that you book her half an hour earlier and just tell her the appointment is a half an hours earlier and maybe she'll be there on time, you now? I did these things too. I used to show up stoned for my appointments, and I'm a massage therapist, and I had this really small little room. I worked in a chiropractor's office and I would stroll in there stoned and late and, you know, I never would apologize. I would just be like, well, here you are to see me, you know? And I'm so important. Let's not talk about me being late because that would ruin things, you know? So here I have some people coming into my life today that are late. I need to deal with it, you know, somehow or another. Did my actions today indicate that I have ceased fighting anything or anyone? Like I said, I love that line because it's really like, you know, there's no point in this. Stop. Surrender. I'm not going to fight you anymore. And what a relief if we don't need to fight with people. It's a tremendous relief. Number 11 is, I am seeing that truth, justice, and love are the real and eternal things in life. Number 12, at times of anxiety, stress, or indecision today, was I able to stop, think, and ask God to grant me serenity to accept the things I could not change, for the courage to change the things that I could, and the wisdom to know the difference? I know alcoholics have a tendency to react and I tend to react but I've gotten better if something stressful comes my way sometimes what I'll do is I'll say you know, to someone I used to have to give them an answer right away or react to it right away something had to be done right away now I say, you know what Can I just have a moment to think about that and I'll get back to you? That's huge for me because I'm able to inventory it or something, you know, and see, okay, that might have not been the best thing to say or this might be the best things to do. I'm ableto get quiet with myself because I am not used to dealing with things coming at my way and me handling them eloquently. I'm an alcoholic. I'm not wired like other people, and I really need to remember that. You know, sometimes I forget. I hang around people who I work with. No one's an alcoholic that I know of. Certainly no one's in the program. And, you know, I see them doing things a certain way, and I think, yeah, I'm going to do things like that. And I can't. I can. It's too much. I have a business associate who's buying a house and growing, expanding her business. And that doesn't work well for me when I do all those things at once. I can't multitask like that and be happy. You know, I know she's on some medication too, which probably helps. I don't want to go on the medication, you know? I just want to be 100% me. I know I don'T need this stuff. this other thing has a lot of the same things but it's a little bit different and the things that are different is what am I grateful for today I think it's important at the end of the day to have some gratitude especially if you've had a bad day and I can honestly say at the ends of every day the same things that my life is abundant I have a very loving husband who's been through hell with me and back and still loves me to death. I have people who enjoy my company now, you know, like my siblings like to hang around me. I have neighbors who want to be my friend, which is so weird for me because I have this neighbor who brought over some split pea soup a few months ago and I was afraid to have her in my house because I didn't know what I was going to say to her because she's not another alcoholic and she's not a freak. And, you know, I'm used to dealing with people who aren't messed up. You know? She's not in recovery. So what could we say? So I finally started to realize that that's ridiculous. And I've extended a hand. I'm becoming friends with this neighbor friend of mine who has children and I'm really excited about it. The other things I'm grateful for, I have wonderful dogs. I have a business that's growing and thriving. And I have people that I've had a problem with before that I'm able to not, like I said, to see that they might be sick and suffering and to be over that. And, you know, I'm grateful. And I'm thankful today. For instance, I want to say that I am grateful for the beautiful day we've had. You know, we've such lousy weather. Sometimes we have to stop and see, you know, this is great. We could actually walk out without coats and without raincoats, and life is good. I believe that I have been blessed as a result of these steps. And without them, I'd probably be dry drunk. I'd possibly be drunk. I went to a meeting once in early sobriety, really early sobrietty. I was like three weeks sober, and I wanted to go to a meeting that was closer to home. And I had been coming to meetings around here because I was told that the sobriety and recovery is very good up here. And I went with my neighbor, and we went to this meeting, and it was a big book meeting, and they hadn't started yet, but this one guy smelled like booze, and this other woman had this crazy laugh. she was heckling the whole time anything you said she'd laugh at it was really disturbing and everyone was miserable no one was happy there's smiles all over this room tonight and there were smiles allover the rooms in the Basking Ridge meetings I was going to and it was like the people in Basking Bridge were actually on something because they were so happy it was some sort of cult and I wasn't feeling that in this meeting down in Somerville and we started reading the big book and we just took turns reading it. Nobody shared their experience, strength or hope. We just took terms reading it and then all of a sudden there was a smoke break and I don't smoke. Actually, I used to smoke because I really hate smokers. I hate smoke because I have to in order for me to keep away from it and then this drunk guy is hitting on me and I'm like, this is a terrible meeting and then I'm walking out and someone's saying you have to have patience and tolerance of others, you know. And when I was running to my car and I said, no, I don't. I need to get out of this meeting. But if I didn't have that meeting and, you know, the home group that I have and know that there is, you now, hope for me, there is a solution, there's steps I could do, this is a program of action, that, you know, I know that I would have met my friends down at Verve for martinis that night because that's where they were, my drinking buddies. I knew that. And when they invited me out, I said, no, I really need to go to a meeting. So anyways, thanks for letting me share. I had a great time.