Ten Cents Worth of the Program Is All Most of Us Ever Ask For – Jack B.

Virginia has truly been a good friend to us in AA, here in Texas, and everywhere else. Certainly, I know you're going to enjoy hearing Jack. And I'll now give you Jack Boland from Roanoke, Virginia. Thank you. Mary from town north made me feel real good just before I came down here. She came up to me and shook hands and said, Oh, you're going to make such a wonderful talk. You're so nervous. She was right about the first part. We'll see about the rest of it later. That dinner that the rest of you were able to eat certainly did look good. I had a little trouble with the jello falling off of my fork. And then when it fell out of my spoon, I knew I was in trouble. And our waiter here was really a nice fellow, and he was very sympathetic to us and very attentive. But he couldn't understand. And he made some comment to Tom, and as he came by, to the effect that it was probably bad for our kidneys. I didn't say anything to him, but if our kidneys were going to go, they would have went a long time. I'm not going to say anything to him. I'm going to say something to him. It's really my vocal cords that I'm in trouble with. You know, since I took that last drink some time ago, my kidneys really have not been unmanageable. But I really did have some trouble prior to that time. You know, I love you Texans better than you Texans do. I really do. And I think I love Texas at least as much as any of you do. And it's been this way all my life, really. A long time before I got out here, it was this way. When I was a kid and was looking for some other forms of escape, and all my life I have been an escape artist, I read about the Southwest. And in Virginia history, there's quite a bit about Texas. And the reason for it is that so many Virginians played such an important part in what took place out here. So, you know, in our big book, there's a line that says, lest we forget. Now, lest we Texans forget where all this got started, I just want to take a moment to remind you. Back in our state, we have these little signs. And Bob and Marcy and I, on different occasions when they've been back in Virginia visiting, we've stopped and looked at them. You know, they're about so big, and if you drive 10 miles an hour, you can't see what they say. But you stop, and it's amazing how many times you'll see one about old Joe Whatsy's name. And the important thing about him was that he left Virginia and came to Texas. And the thing that he did that was pretty good took place out here in Texas. And I've investigated a few of these fellas, and I won't call any names because I wouldn't want to disillusion you. But they sound remarkably like me. They just weren't doing too good back there in the, you know, in the bill-paying department. And they were having all those fights, and their families were sort of ashamed of them. And finally, after a period of time, they took it. They took off from Virginia, and a few of them stopped down in Tennessee and stayed a little while and picked up a few of their other friends and came on out here to Texas. And then things really began to happen. Another reason why, another part of this Texas history and lore that appealed to me was the Alamo. The story of the Alamo was always an exciting thing for me. And a few years ago, when this conference was at San Antonio, I visited the Alamo for the first time. And at that moment, I knew why that it had always appealed to me so. I felt like I had never really become conscious of this until that moment. But I had always known that if I had been there, it would have been different. Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter So, unless we Texans, you know, forget where it all came from, if it probably were not for we Virginians, we'd all be in Mexico right now. Laughter You know, there was an Elks convention here in the hotel before we got here, and they were having lots of fun. Laughter And there really were, and a couple of the fellas that were having lots of fun. Laughter Laughter Laughter With their glasses in their hand, got on the elevator with a couple of AA ladies, and, uh, and, uh, Laughter Laughter Laughter And, uh, you know, they looked at their badges and they said, uh, uh, what's your convention? Laughter And, uh, um, one of the girls said, uh, you know, very proudly, uh, AA, Alcoholics Anonymous. Laughter And he said, oh, how long? And Mary Jane from San Angelo spoke up, you know, very proudly and said, three years. Laughter And this fella, you know, took another drink and turned to his friend and said, my God, he said, ours has only lasted five days. Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter We really do love each other, and we just, you know, like to spend a lot of time together, don't we? Laughter I'd like to read to you, but I think it's pertinent at this time, if you don't mind me reading a little bit here. If I can come across it. Laughter Well, you can see that I'm not nervous. This is on page 52. But in most fields, our generation has witnessed complete and total destruction of our own culture. But our generation has witnessed complete liberation of our thinking. But we won't be angry. Show any longshoreman a Sunday supplement describing a proposal to explore the moon by means of a rocket. But who would say that the only one serious that they'd ever come close to seeing or encounter And he will say, my English Is our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new? The pure curiosity participar in making those decisions? How we pull these ideas together. How are we adept in method or KI? How are thinking about human action? How do we embrace emerging ideas that we aren't born smart enough to face? How do we learn or evenly fill mouth was a home for reason or reason not yet? The truth is one thought, are we going to be thrown off? Or maybe no? Or working or a hardship that we will forever please or literally not forget? which does not work for something new which does. And isn't it significant that this was written? This book was published exactly 30 years ago. And look at what is happening exactly now that Tom referred to. It's happening around us. And it's the result of accepting really old ideas, older than our own old ideas. There's nothing new in this universe. Absolutely nothing new. But I believe that this program, this way of life, is all about how to think in a new way about some very old things. And I'd like to take these next few minutes to tell you something about the experience of my life. My name is Jack Boland. Hey. Hey. And I really am an alcoholic. I really am. And I'm so glad that I am. I'm so grateful. It's absolutely the most fantastic thing that has ever happened in my life. And had it not been for that very strong weakness called alcoholism, I might have missed, I would have missed all of this. And this is the most important thing. And in my life. When I tell you that I'm an alcoholic today, I'm really am not talking about the disease of alcoholism as much as I am identifying with the answer. When I say this to you, it isn't that I'm identifying with drunkenness and drinking and the sordidness and the total insanity of my life. That's not what I'm saying to you. I'm telling you and whoever else would hear it, that I'm a part of something that's great, that's very large, that's extremely important and beautiful and lovely and clean and joyful. And it's the answer. Not only is it the answer to that problem of taking a drink, of how not to take a drink, but I believe with all my heart because I have experienced it and have seen it, in an amazing number of situations, of impossible situations, I believe that what we have is the answer to any problem that mankind or an individual or that you or I can have. And incidentally, when some of you who were coming in last walked in and Tom said, the saints come marching in, do you really know what a saint is? About 16 years ago, the first time I heard, old Johnny Van Dyke, marvelous person, he said something that really impressed me and I've never forgotten it. He said, a saint is merely someone through whom the light shines. And I wish you could stand where I am now and see the light shining through each one of you. And it's, our program is all about this light and how to turn it on. Because I believe that I always sought it and I think you did too. I think that's what I was seeking. Down every one of those dark avenues and streets that I journeyed, I was looking for a light, looking for a way, looking for something that intuitively I knew existed. And at last, I'm home. Home free and I'm a part of it. And it shines through. It shines through you and it shines through me. It does this light and I believe it lighteth every man, except they don't know it. And the only difference between those of us who can be here today is that we know it. We know it and it's a tremendous responsibility to carry it out, not the light, but just the knowledge that it shines through these people who as yet cannot know it for themselves. And I'm responsible. And it's me who's responsible for creating all these dimensions of this chapter, these goals, these goals, many of which you should be pushing those doors towards. All those people, and it comes into the light. And that was what I first wanted to see. That I didn't see Х. And I've learned that it is the Sun and eventually eventually it'll light up. It will shine and build some manhood beyond all the other thoughts. It really will. That's what I wanted to see. how my drinking was, I'd like to share with you how my life was and what happened in my life and what my life is like now in some measure. And drinking for a period of time was very much a part of my life. All this began on June the 10th, 1924. The 11th, it was, not the 10th. Got a little ahead of myself there. And that was the day I was born and that's when it started because it seems to me that all of my life I've had trouble with all of my life. They're just, you know, including if that waiter is still here, my kidneys. But there just wasn't any part of it that got left out. And in some strange way, alcoholism, active, destructive, fatal alcoholism played an important part in it because by the time I was six years old, I was orphaned by alcoholism. And then things started getting worse. Alcoholism in the form of a grandmother who had not taken a drink until she was almost 50 and in the sorrow and sadness of the occasion, someone gave her a drink to make her feel better. And it sure did. And you have never had an experience until you grew up under and around and with an alcoholic grandmother. And mine was the swinginest grandmother you ever saw, I'll guarantee. After she took that drink. Now before she took it, she had been known to run her brothers away and her son one time was forced to leave because he partook of alcohol. And then in order to be comforted, she took a drink and we were off to the races. On my 10th birthday, I'll just very briefly fill you in how it was. On my 10th birthday, it was late in the afternoon. The sun was sinking in the west and I was sitting out in the backyard, barefooted, and there was no grass in that yard. It was very dusty and it was on the wrong side of the tracks. And the house behind me, there were noises issuing from the house and there were people there drinking and drunk. There were no lights in the house. You know, they didn't bother to pay the bill. It was very sad there. There were no, there was no birthday cake or toys or even any recognition that I can remember. I can remember that it was my birthday. And the only thing that I knew for sure was that we were going to move. Now, we had just moved in, but that only meant that we were ready to move out. And already the hopelessness of life, the unmanageableness of life, the second part of that first step was upon me. I knew, I had come to know at the age of ten that there was no hope. There was no way. And yet I wanted there to be a way and at that moment, a train passed. And in those days, trains were much longer than they are now. Many coaches and cars and this train passed and it was as close to me as I am to that wall. And it was picking up speed. It just left the station in downtown Roanoke and the clackety, clackety, clack, the tempo was picking up. And I looked on that train and the lights were just picking up. The lights were being turned on and people were being seated and on the end of the train were two dining cars and I shall never forget it. And as I sat there, this ten-year-old child, I wanted to be on that train desperately, but not just to be on the train. I wanted to be a part of something that was good and clean and loving. And I wondered if there, in all the world, if there were parents that loved a child. I had never known love. Alcoholism had eliminated love from my experience to that moment. And I wanted, I knew that there must be something like this and I wanted it. And there were tears in my eyes and in my heart and as the train passed, I can't tell you the hunger. I wished that it was possible for me to be there and to be lifted up and taken out of my experience. And the waiters in their white jackets were seating people in the train. And I wondered, I was in a dining car. Cars, and they passed. And suddenly I was alone again in that world of alcoholism, except I did not know to call it that. And that's the way it was and that's the way it continued. And every day of it, I wanted out and I knew that I would never be that way. I was never going to drink whiskey and smoke those cigarettes and do that. I was going to do those other things. And I never half smoked a cigarette. My intentions, man, have always been just very close to perfect. Sometimes my performance faltered. On my 16th birthday, and incidentally, I stayed sober for 16 years and drunk for 13, and now, sober for 16. So it's pretty well divided there. But on my 16th birthday with three other fellas, and I need not tell you how involved we were, but real fine fellas then and still are. And one had a bottle of wine and he passed it back to me and I said, no, because I was not going to go that route. And then he said the magic words, come on, Jack, it won't hurt you. And I thought, that's right, it won't hurt me. This is not like what my father, and those others did. And he passed it back and I took a drink and there was the light. The lights came on. And I do not have to describe it any further to you. But this was the answer. This was really the answer. You see, I found the answer before I, found the problem. I didn't even know there was a problem, but I suddenly knew that this was the answer. And if the answer made you feel like this, I simply do not believe that there's any human being in their right mind that can feel like this for a moment, a minute, and not pursue it to the gates of hell. This was so good and so large and so real and suddenly I belonged and I belonged. And in my whole life I had never belonged. I belonged. It was the answer. And the lights were bright. And I knew that I would do this thing again and again because it was good. Very, very good. And it was very cunning in the way it revealed itself to me. It showed me none of the bad and all of the good. And then following that experience, with an absolutely unbelievable logical procession, it began to take away the good and reveal the bad. But it did it so slowly and so cunningly that I never did see it getting done. And the less good there was, the less of this feeling, the more I sought it. And oh, how I sought it. I followed it. And I searched for it. And I hungered for it. And it eluded me more and more. And over a period of time there was a panic that began to set into my life and into my experience as I sought it. And it was not there. And the bad was there. Except that it was so very cunningly that I couldn't see it. It was so very cunningly that I could not see where the bad was coming from. It's an amazing thing how this shifting of values takes place within us and certainly within me and how this experience can change so insidiously that it has, when it has made a change from one side of the spectrum to the other, you do not know that you've been on a journey or that it has been or that it has occurred. And this was alcoholism in my life. Step one was not something that one day after I came in Alcoholics Anonymous I sat down and decided on. You know, through my great wisdom and intellectual capacity, step one was an experience that happened to me very slowly and over a long period of time. It actually was my experience before I started drinking. My life was a journey. My life was a journey. My life was a journey. My life was a journey. My life was a journey. My life was unmanageable then. It was not alcohol that made my life unmanageable. It already was. And do you know, the thought just occurred to me standing here that when I started drinking, I thought, what a friend I have found. And later, I came to believe that it was my great enemy. And as I stand here now, I know it's the greatest friend that I've ever had for one reason. It was my great enemy. He whipped me. You see, if I'd have been in that Alamo, they wouldn't have whipped me. They couldn't have whipped me. With my dying breath, I would not have been whipped. I was in a lot of those fights, and the only time I ever got whipped was outside the bloody bucket in Memphis, Tennessee. And it became the bloody sidewalk and the bloody pavement in the street. But I didn't get whipped. If he hadn't hit me first or something, you know. But alcohol did for me what no human being or any group of human beings could have done. Failure could not have done it. You know, just, I failed, but that by itself did not. It took alcohol. It was my greatest ally to bring me to the table. It was my greatest ally to bring me to the table. It was my greatest ally to bring me to a point in consciousness, a point in life that I believe that it is man's destiny to achieve. And those of us who have arrived at this point can certainly take no credit for it. But I believe that we are among the most blessed of all people to be whipped. Now, had you told me that a few years ago, you were out of your mind. But I had to be. And I needed to be. And it took exactly what it took for me. You know, it took exactly the right amount of drinking and things and situations. And take away one, and I would probably disappear from this roster right now. You know, you'd have no speaker. It took exactly what it took and therefore everything that happened in my life was good and very good. Terrible. But good. The worst damn things that ever happened to me were the best because they got me whipped and they got me here. And that's very good. And among those things was that total failure at the level... Let me read you the rest of what I started to read. We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human beings. We were having human problems, this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships. Man, did I ever have trouble with personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional natures. I'd be the life of the party and go out in the backyard and cry, and come back in and be the life of the party. I used to keep a bag of patching plaster in the garage while I still had a house. And the fellow over at the lumber company wanted to know what I did with all those doors that I was always buying. I guess he thought my house had more doors than any house in town. I kept tearing them down. I couldn't control my emotional nature. We were a prey to misery and depression. That is the understatement of alcoholic's anomalies. We were full of fear. I was very brave. I was the most afraid, brave person you ever saw in your whole life. And I'd go through this a little bit every night that I was home, which wasn't very often that I was home. You know, I'd come home and if supper wasn't ready, I'd just raise hell. And if it was, I wouldn't eat a bite. Just an excuse to go. I had to go. I was looking for something. But I'd be upstairs and, you know, late at night writing poetry. And, you know, I'd be up and doing nothing but working. And I'd be up and doing nothing but badmouthing. I'd be up and doing nothing but making no good. I'd be up and doing nothing but doing nothing. And I'd hear these noises in the basement and I knew that I had locked the door. But I couldn't be quite sure. And I'd stomp around the bed and I'd still hear these noises and some more. And I'd go to the head of the stairs and I'd open the basement door and close it. And I'd still hear these noises. And being so very brave, I could not stop myself. stand it until I went down there. I could barely stand to go down there. And I always knew that I was going to invent basement steps that had something behind them. You know, basement steps you can look right through. And walking down those steps, I was always afraid that someone was going to cut my legs off. We were full of fear. We were unhappy. Of course I was unhappy. If you had the same in-laws, that I had, and lived in the... I lived in a very nice home on a nice block with very stupid people on it, and I could never figure out how I got there. They never would do it right. And that is enough to make one happy. We couldn't see... I didn't seem to be of real help to other people. I tried. I really tried. And I let them know I tried. That night I came back from a fishing trip, got in about three o'clock in the morning, and I had all the equipment I needed. I had all the equipment I needed. I had all the equipment I needed. I had all those fish that I... more than I needed. And you should have seen the looks on my neighbor's faces when I stopped by to share my catch. I tried. I tried. I tried. I tried. I tried. I tried. And no one understood me. And no one understood me. And all those times when I attended my funeral, I'd always be standing over in that corner, and the casket would be here, and the line would come through that door, and it was a very long line. I never did see the end of it, but as they passed, and I stood over there and watched them. And I never ever... And I never ever... wanted to look upon myself there, but I wanted them to. And very tearfully, they would each one say what they were supposed to say if they had only known. If only it was not too late. And I said, uh-huh, it is too late. And each one assumed his rightful share of the responsibility, except one or two. And it was a very peculiar thing about that responsibility, now that I look back upon it. It came to more than 100%. And none of it was mine. That was the peculiar part. That was the peculiar part about it. Well, you know how it was. Those drunks go to the grocery store and end up in Chicago or Washington or some other place. And that geographic gulp cured to California. I didn't stop off in Texas. That wasn't quite far enough. And the hopelessness and the attempted suicide and the liquor store that I didn't quite rob, but had planned. The insanity. How could this possibly be? How could it be? Afraid, desperately afraid to go to sleep. And even more afraid, to awaken in the morning, lying there, pretending even to myself that I was not awake. Because another day, I know about living a day at a time, because I died a day at a time. Day after day after day. And there was no light. And there was no hope. And the only difference between me and you, was that I knew it. And you did not. There was no hope. And then one day, through a series, a very strange series of events, I see now. And it's a story in itself, and I won't go into it. I found myself in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I was in the same room as you. And I really did not know what it was or why I was there. But there I was. And it was through, and we were talking last night at dinner about this, that each one in this room, alcoholic or Al-Anon alike, it makes no difference. Each one of us here, if we will, can go back to that time prior to our coming into this marvelous world. Our coming into this marvelous fellowship. And begin to trace the series of events and circumstances that now stand out, but which at that time were invisible. And begin to see that it was not a coincidence that brought us here. It was not just some strange mechanical hand of fate. Some mathematical, uh, uh, uh, formulation. But you can begin to see the livingness of this experience. That prior to a certain moment, prior to a certain event in your life and mine, everything was going the wrong way. Everything was not working out. And if you will but do it, I believe that you can go back to a, maybe you can't pin it down to an hour or a day even, but you can pin it down to a very definite period of time, wherein that from that moment on, things started happening. And the result was one day, in a strangely wonderful way, we were here. Where the answer is. Where the light is. And it was that surrender that can only come to one like me through total defeat. That brought me here. When I was whipped, and I knew it, not admitted it, but knew it, something began to happen. And here I was. So I was in AA, and for me there were no lights. I was a, an agnostic atheist. . There was no God, and if there was, I hated him. . And I spent more time preaching. Oh yes, you know, in all those bars, I had preached this religion, that there ain't one. And I didn't believe it when I came in here. So I didn't arrive here because I believed. I arrived here because I surrendered. I was whipped. And something knew it. And there I was, and I was still whipped. I was dry, and absolutely, unbelievably miserable. Now I knew that as long as I lived, I felt this, I was not going to take a drink. But I didn't believe I was going to live very long, not drinking. And I believe I was right. I don't believe I could have lived very long. The way I was living and thinking, inside myself, you can't go on with an inner experience like my inner experience. There's no way. And one night at a meeting, and incidentally back in our town at that time, there was AA, but there was no program of recovery. Somebody had bought a book one time and had very carefully hidden it because they were afraid that it might get somebody drunk. There was no program. There was, you don't take a drink today. And that's what I was doing, not taking a drink today and suffering the unbelievable torture that goes, that a dry alcoholic experiences who is absolutely at the mercy of his circumstances, who is totally without power. I was dry, but absolutely powerless. And one day after about six weeks of this, because I had heard one boy who came through one fellow one night from a distant AA town, instead of telling a drunk story, got up and told about praying. He'd been in AA for seven years and had been drunk for seven years. And one day he said a prayer. And the reason he prayed was he couldn't stand his kids. They were driving him crazy. He wasn't praying for them. He was praying for his wife. He was praying for his children. He wasn't praying because of his alcoholism or the fact that he was getting drunk. You know, he kept getting drunk and that didn't bother him too much, but he couldn't stand his kids. You understand that, don't you? And so he prayed and a strange thing started happening. He started staying sober and suddenly the thing called the program began to mean sense to him and he was going around preaching it and some of the fellows told me, don't pay too much attention to that. It might get you drunk. The next afternoon I was in my automobile. I was selling cars at that time, Ray. I had a job with an automobile agency. I wasn't selling any cars. And I needed to sell some cars and I needed a thousand other things to happen that were not happening to me. And in that automobile, one hot Thursday in August of 1953, in total desperation, this agnostic atheist looked very carefully down the street that way and back that way, parked to make sure that no one was coming. And with my heart, I really was nervous that day, Mary. My heart pounding and my pulse racing. I said a prayer and the reason I said it was that there was nothing else to do. There was nothing else left for me to do. And I said, God, if you really are there, you'll know that I need help. I simply can't go on. And I knew I could not. There was no way. The agony of my mind and of my thinking and the helplessness, the total helplessness of a grown man to function as a human being was my experience. And you see, without knowing it, I was experiencing the first step. It was an attitude. It was an actual emotional experience and perhaps the greatest experience I've ever known, the deepest and the most honest. And the second step, I had not come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore sanity or order, but I desperately hoped so. I came as close to believing it as I could without knowing that there were steps and an order of things. And I humbly, God, if I have ever humbly, done anything in my life, I did it then. I said, Help me if you're there. And nothing happened. And that was Thursday. And Friday it was worse. And Saturday I had to have some answers and so I went out and found a poker game. And lost. And wrote some hot checks. And all the way home on Sunday morning, it happened. And just that quickly it happened. My mind filled with these desperate thoughts. And suddenly, within a split second, I felt a presence. And I knew, when I felt that presence, that it was the result. I could not have felt it if I had not prayed on Thursday. I knew this was the answer to it. And in that moment, I knew more peace than I had ever known in my whole life. I was at peace. And there was light. And I knew that the universe is alive. And that there is a presence. And that we live and move and have our being in it. It's as simple as that. And there was joy. And there was nothing but hope. It was so strange that for years, almost all my life, there had been nothing but hopelessness. And suddenly I knew that there was nothing but hope. And the only problem is that we can't believe it. We can't see it. That's the hopelessness. It's a matter of consciousness. A matter of separation from it within my own thinking. And suddenly, there was hope. And I wanted everyone in the world to know about it. And it was a very strange thing, except not really, but it was a very strange thing. And I found the book Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I found it. And there it was. And I found the Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox. And I found some people in AA who believed just this way. And some other books that Bill Wilson recommended. And suddenly, my life began to be a tremendous experience. It wasn't quite enough, really. I thought it was going to be that day, and I thought it was going to be for a little while. And on page 50 it says, Here are thousands of men and women, worldly indeed, and that described me. They flatly declared that since they have come to believe in a power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that power, and now here's the clinker, and to do certain simple things, there's been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. And for a time I thought that just to believe in that power and to take a certain attitude was enough. I thought that would be enough. But it wasn't. And after a period of time there was more hopelessness. And one day, a few months later, very hopeless, I was forced to take a fourth step. I couldn't give up. I still couldn't give up after I had already given up. And once again, this universe is so designed to bring people like me to that point of surrender, reluctantly, to drag people like me, not bring. And I took that fourth step. And it was the, it was one of the greatest experiences in my life. And the strange things I began to see, it was not a fourth step of where I used to drink liquor and how much I drank and how I cheated the bartender and hit old Joe on his front porch. That was a part of it. But I had to go back and see my whole life from the beginning and see the patterns of things. And to see, I saw clearly that my problem existed long before alcohol, otherwise it would not have been such a beautiful answer. It became a part of the problem, a major part of the problem. But I saw many things that, that I believe it's necessary for me to see and to continue to see. And then that very hard step of admitting to God, to myself, and to another human being. If they could have just left out that human being part, it would have been a whole lot nicer. And I was in a small church, and I was in a small church, and I was in a small town when this came upon me, and there was a Baptist preacher that day, and I just love Baptist preachers. Except he sounded real good on the radio, and I thought, here's the one, because he doesn't know me and will never see me again. And I went over to him, and I didn't know what I was doing, and he didn't know what I was doing, and it was... You know, I saw this look of shocked astonishment come over him. He just hadn't been coping with people like me. So I got out of there as ungracefully as I could, and later on I found somebody that could cope with people like me, and we got that done pretty good, and we've been getting it done ever since. And to ask God, to become willing, to become willing to be relieved of my insanity. There is no substitute for sanity. There is no substitute. I was legally sane, and man, I could pass those tests like nothing you ever saw. You know, just give me any one of those examinations, and I knew almost exactly what you were saying. I knew what you were supposed to say, and I said it. But there's a certain type of nuttiness, and I had a first-class case of it. And to become willing to be relieved of it was one of the great experiences in my life, because I had been clutching it firmly to my bosom all these years, and hanging on to these precious, insane babblings, and believing in them, and they were killing me. And to become ready, and to ask God to remove them, and to begin to feel that beautiful release that happens, that so many of you know about. And then made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing. And there was old Garnet that I had wanted to kill. I spent many hours trying to figure out, trying to figure out the perfect crime. Murder. If I could ever have gotten it figured out, I was going to stop his clock. And it was a very real and continuing experience for me. I wanted him, I did not want him to quite die. Uh, yet. And he had to go at the top of the list. And if you think I like that, but that's what it said. Start with the worst one. And I did. And one day, a district manager from a former employer, a very well-known pharmaceutical house, and I saw this man's name in the paper the other day. He's the vice president of that company, a nationally known sales figure. And I heard with a grapevine that he was in town. And I had just put his name on my list. Now, isn't that a strange coincidence? Hadn't seen him since the day I quit, about two minutes before he fired me. And I was very nervous about this thing, and I stopped by to see a couple of AA friends of mine who had been sober a long time, about six months. And I told them what I was going to do. I've been sober a little more than a year. And they said, You don't need to do that. You know, that's really stupid. Just don't take a drink today. And I was nervous enough about this when I walked in. And you know how I felt when I walked away from my AA friends. But I had to go see Ray. And I went to the hotel where he was and called, hoping that he wouldn't be there. But he was, and he heard my voice. And I said, May I come up? And there was a long pause. And he said, Well, I've only got a minute. And I went up and stayed about two hours. And I made my amends, and I told him about alcoholism and how sorry I was. And we left friends. Now, about nine months after that, I want to show you how this program works. About nine months after that, I still wasn't doing too well selling those cars, Ray. And I wanted to get back in the old business. It seemed to be time. And the dealership at which I worked was up on a hill, and down below was the McKesson and Robbins wholesale drug dealer. And there was a buyer there that I needed to make some amends to. And I went down to make my amends to him and to also see if he knew of any openings. And I did, but he did not know of any openings. And I had been praying and asking for some relief from that situation that existed as far as my work was concerned. And two days later, my telephone rang at the dealership. And this is what had happened. Ray, my former district manager, had been in that same hotel, and two nights before, or the night before, had finished dinner and sat in the lobby with his newspaper. And in the adjoining chamber, another person came up, another man, and sat down with his newspaper. And after they finished their papers, they struck up a conversation. And they each discovered that they were district managers of pharmaceutical houses whose territories overlapped at that one point in western Virginia. And the man that walked up said, I've been here twice looking for someone to take over a territory. We have a territory here that is very bad. We need a good man. Do you know of anyone? And Ray said, by George, I do. He said, there's an old boy here, and if he's still sober, he can sell more stuff than anybody you've ever seen. When he left our company, he was one of the men at the top, but we just couldn't put up with him. But he came to me in this very hotel a few months ago and told me that he was in Alcoholics Anonymous. And Ray went on to describe what a terrible person I had been. But he said, if he's all right, he's your man. And the next day, this man called me, right at the time when I desperately needed a job to go back into the pharmaceutical business. Isn't that a strange coincidence, that he was as the result of these steps? How can you figure that out? Whose intellect arranged that? And I can tell you a thousand of these things about myself and more about you and people like you. Physical sobriety is probably the greatest gift, because without it, I cannot have the greatest gift, which is sanity, and which is the experience of this power manifesting itself in my life. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous to me is like one day, a number of years ago, in AA. Things weren't going too well that day, and I went out to a park beside a river in Roanoke. And I was listening to the, you know, to the soothing sound of the water, and I was practicing that 11th step as best I could. And I happened to look over to my left, as I sat in my car, and there was a fellow there digging a ditch. And I sat there for probably 30 minutes watching that man dig a ditch. And suddenly it occurred to me that I did not see a man digging a ditch. What I saw was this, a ditch being dug. Because down in this ditch, well, coming out of this ditch, every few minutes, or every few seconds, I'd see some dirt and the tip of a shovel. And there was a fellow there, and there'd be some more dirt that would land beside the ditch. There'd be a pause, and there'd be a pick come up and down. And another pause, and then some dirt coming out. And the ditch was being dug. And I thought I saw a man digging a ditch. But I never saw the man. And that's what this is all about. I see these things happening in your life. And I see you changing and growing and experiencing new and exciting things that are promised in this beautiful way of life. And this is my experience. I see the work that's being done, and you tell me that you don't do it. And if you did, I tell you, you were a liar. You didn't do it before. If you did, we wouldn't have been here, would we, if we could have gotten it dug. But it's getting dug. So therefore, can the one who is doing the digging be very far from the ditch? Right there. Right there, where it's all taking place. Alcoholics Anonymous is merely God at work, and I can experience as much of this in my life as I will submit to it. I can have just plain old vanilla. I don't take a drink today. Or I can have a little bit more than that, or more than that. Or I can shoot for the whole deal, the whole package. And that's what I want. I want the whole package. I've been ten years old twice, the second time in AA. And I always try to take my inventory at the beginning of a new year. And on my tenth birthday, I was doing just this, getting ready, trying to remember, to be grateful, to see, to remember the excitement of this tremendous experience that we're sharing. And I found myself at that time in a very strange way, invited on a trip on which I did not belong, and was quite reluctant to take. It just happened that the president of the company that I worked for did belong and wanted me to go. And I couldn't squirm out of it. And we were invited by the vice president of that railroad. On the appointed hour of that day, late in the afternoon in June, we were there and got on the train, and others were having their drinks, and this vice president said to the bartender, John, Bud and Jack will have coffee. They knew why we were there. He knew why we were there. In a few minutes, I was ushered into the next business car, private car, and in the center of each of these cars, there is a long table that seats about ten people. And they were hooked up to the end of the train. And at about six o'clock, it was time for the train to leave, and it pulled out, and I was still meeting a couple of people in the car in which I was to dine that I had not known. And we were shaking hands, and the train left the station. And it was up to about fifth street, and then sixth street. And as I was about to be seated at my place at the table, suddenly I remembered, for the first time in many years, the story that I told you a moment ago, about when I was ten years old. And there was a tremendous ecstasy that came over me at that moment, and there were cold chills coming up my spine. Because as we got up to about ninth street, I looked out to the very spot on which I sat when I was a ten-year-old boy. And that day, many years before, I had wanted to be on a train going west. I had wanted to be a part of life and of that which was good and lovely. I had wanted to be loved and to know love. And as I stood there before these men, with tears running unashamedly down my cheeks, excuse me, I felt a presence. And I knew why I was there and how I got there and who had placed me there. All that I sought and desired and needed when I was ten years old, as a child, had come to me in this fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous as the result of these steps, as a result of love. God's love, which is that light that lighteth every man and has lit my life through men like you and you. A few weeks ago I was in Baltimore and that week I was practicing the presence of God as best I could, which is our eleventh step, really. And it was a good day and a good week and I was practicing this as often as I could remember it. And I found myself in the train station, again, I don't know how these trains get into it, in Baltimore, and I was washing my hands in the men's room and I heard this voice say, Please, Mister, just a dime, just a dime. And I turned and I looked into the most hopeless face of an alcoholic that I've ever seen in my life. He was about fifty and looked about seventy, and there were the lines in his face from the suffering. And there were the other lines, the scars that came from falling down and being knocked down. And the totality of hopelessness was upon this man. And I could not see how he could live. He was dead and he didn't know it. And suddenly at that moment something said to me, not in words, but it said, Let me show you something. Let me show you how much I love all of you, every one of you, and the least of them, even more. And it was like being close to a shower and there were only a few drops of the rain that fell on me. But I couldn't stand it. I had so much love going through me to this drunk that I thought he would kill me. And the tears ran down my cheeks and I reached in my pocket for some money to give him and I did and I don't know how much, but it wasn't enough. And there were these tears and this tremendous feeling of knowing that God loves you and me. And the only problem that we've ever had is that we don't know it. And at that moment I knew it. For me and for that man I was shown it. And he said, Please, Mr. Just a dime, how many times have you in your life and have I settled for just ten cents worth of the answer? A tenth part of the program. A tenth part of God's love. Every day I do it yet. So I'm not very sane. I'm only being restored to sanity. And only a part of the light shines. And I'm beginning a new year in AA, July the 10th. And I started that new year with a thought that I'll leave with you by Emily Haskins. And I said to the man who stood there, I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he said, Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. It will be better for you than light and safer than a known way. Thank you. Thank you.