Tell Them the Worst Stuff First So You Can Have Fun With Your Fifth Step – Bob O.

It was my pleasure a couple of months ago to hear the gentleman's tape of his
message along with my wife before we invited him to Founders Day and I want
to tell you he's got a lot of great things to say to us a message of hope
and I know that many of us need that so without anything more for me I'd like to
introduce our speaker Mr. Bob Olson from Denver.
Hi everybody my name is Bob Olson I'm an alcoholic.
Well you do have enthusiasm.
You sound like my wife. Speak up Bob.
It's by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that
I have not found a need or an excuse to take a drink today nor have I found a
need or an excuse to take a drink since May 28th of 1973.
I'd like to thank Linda and Dave for their hospitality and Peggy Ann. I'd like
to thank you for inviting me here. I live quite a ways away from here I live at
the base of the Rocky Mountains. My home group is a Tuesday night step
workshop at the Happy Way group of Alcoholics Anonymous and Englewood College.
Colorado.
That might give you a little clue about what I'm going to talk about. I have to
tell you in the beginning that I didn't fly halfway across the country to talk
about drunk stories. The only one I'm going to tell you isn't even about me.
I came here to talk about recovery, and I came.
That's really the only message I have to share with you.
The story I want to tell you is about someone I knew, a bad alcoholic.
I'd been drinking alcoolically since he was about 20 years old.
He was a stonemason in southern Wisconsin.
He was married somewhere between seven and nine times.
Women just loved him.
God, they were just crazy about him until they got him home.
About 15 years ago, he had a stroke.
He had had some physical difficulties before that.
I had went to look for him one time and found that he was living in a tar paper shack just outside of Savannah, Illinois.
Had an old pickup and a dog.
Living by himself.
Came out there and found him one day dying of bleeding ulcers and put him in the hospital.
One of the nurse's aides took a shine to him and he married her.
And she died shortly after that of alcoholism.
And not too long after that, he had a stroke.
And they sent him to the Grand Army home in Wisconsin.
And they gave all of his assets to the state.
When he had the stroke, he lost his ability to speak.
And he was paralyzed and unable to walk or move one arm and spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
He had had two children, a son and a daughter.
And in the 15 years that he spent at the Grand Army home, hardly anyone ever came to see him.
He had a brother that lived close.
And sometimes his son or his daughter would come to see him.
But basically, he was pretty solitary.
And about two years ago, because he had been in a wheelchair for so long and because he had adult-onset diabetes,
his extremities...
his extremities started to turn black.
They went to his brother and they said,
we're going to have to amputate one of his feet.
And his brother gave them permission and they amputated his foot.
Now, he was unable to speak.
And pretty soon they came back to his brother and they said,
we're going to have to take off...
the rest of his feet.
His leg and his other foot.
But you need to know that at some point, he's going to die from gangrene.
And the choice is, does he die now or should we just keep taking pieces off of him until there's nothing left to take?
And it was his brother's decision that they let him die.
And he knew it.
And he couldn't talk about it.
And in his despair, he would sit in his wheelchair and he would scream at anyone that came close to him.
And he lived the four horsemen of alcoholism.
Terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair.
And a year ago, he died of gangrene.
And he's buried in a little cemetery behind the hospital.
And his name is Bob Olson.
And he's my father.
The point of that is twofold.
One of them is he died like an alcoholic and I had that choice too.
And people in my family have been dying like that ever since we got here from Norway.
Generation after generation after generation.
The other point is that I don't have to.
And I'm the first member in my family that found Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know, it's a real stretch to figure out that one, to ever think that one of the alcoholic oldies,
Olsons, from Madison, Wisconsin, would ever stand in front of this group.
Thank you, God.
Somebody told me that Alcoholics Anonymous was about two things.
It was about God and it was about booze.
And that I didn't have the power to keep myself sober.
And God did.
And I better spend the rest of my time trying to get as close to him as I can.
And the only way I knew how to do that were through 12 spiritual exercises that I learned in this program.
I'm called the 12 Steps, and that's what I'm here to talk about.
I'm here to talk about my experience with the 12 Steps.
You know, it's kind of funny because you go someplace and you see Alcoholics Anonymous.
It looks like it's all fear and fellowship.
And all you have to do is put the kind of message in front of them about the hope that's involved in those spiritual exercises.
And you can polarize those groups and you can save lives.
When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous in May of 1973,
they sat me down in front of a priest in a halfway house.
And he asked me a couple of questions.
He said, are you done drinking?
And I was.
You know, I'd been drinking a fifth a day for so long I couldn't even remember.
I was so sick I thought I was going to die.
He said, do you drink?
He said, do you drink?
I said, do you want what we have?
And I wanted anything anybody had except what I had.
Because what I had was bad cases, sick and tired.
The book says we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics.
This is the first step in recovery.
The delusion that we're like other people or presently may be has to be smashed.
I had to find out if I was an alcoholic.
You know, it wasn't hard in 1973 to know I was an alcoholic.
I was damn near dead.
I mean, I'd been drinking so long and so hard that it didn't seem like there was anything left in my life but just drinking.
Drinking took priority over everything.
And I sat there and there was no doubt in my mind at that point in time.
And it was the first time in years and years of drinking that I really knew.
And I just wanted to not die.
I just wanted to die.
I just wanted to live one more day because maybe there was a little hope in that.
And it looked like there were some people that had the same kind of problem I had
and that they didn't have to drink anymore.
And that gave me hope just looking at them.
The book describes alcoholism.
If when you want to sliano, you can't quit entirely.
I couldn't quit entirely.
Never could quit.
Could quit for a little while.
And rarely do that.
Sometimes if there was enough money on it, I could quit for a few days.
Or if when you start, you have little control over the amount you take.
I never knew how much I was going to take.
I was always going to have two drinks.
Never could.
Never could pull it off.
It says in the book that at some point, real alcoholics always lose.
They lose control.
Is that what's going on with me?
You know, it's kind of interesting because I don't know how you feel about doing the
steps because sometimes geographically it's different, but we do them over and over again.
And when I take, when I go back through the steps today and I'm right in the middle of
inventory again.
When I go back through the steps today, I have to go back and ask myself that question
from an 18-year perspective.
Am I going to lose control?
Am I going to lose control?
Am I really an alcoholic?
I'll give you something that will get you up in your chair a little bit.
Are you willing to believe that you're not?
I am.
I have to look at it all over again.
I mean, what if I don't believe it anymore?
I'll drink.
And if I drink, I'll die.
And I don't want to die because you can't imagine how good my life is today.
I want some water.
I want some more of this.
I truly do.
You can't imagine how good my life is today.
So I have to ask myself that.
Am I really an alcoholic?
In the book it talks about social drinkers and I don't even know what the hell that is.
It talks about a certain kind of heavy drinker.
Now that person may wind up in a treatment center or a hospital or a court.
For divorce or traffic.
It could wind up anywhere the drunks wind up.
But if there's sufficient reason, he can stop.
That means if a doctor comes up and says,
you're going to die if you keep drinking, he'll stop.
Or the spouse will come up and say,
you're out of here if you don't stop.
And they stop.
And I couldn't stop.
I remember my wife saying, Bob,
we don't have any food.
And everybody needs, everybody's hungry.
We got to get some food.
It's just like two bottles of booze.
And I couldn't do it.
Tommy's going to school.
And he doesn't have any clothes.
And he needs shoes.
And it's just a couple of bottles of booze.
Everything in my house was equated with bottles of booze.
It's just a couple bottles of booze.
I can't help it.
I'm not trying to be a jerk.
I've got to drink.
And I drink.
To the exclusion of everyone, my wife, my children, my parents,
I would drink in spite of anything.
I'm a real alcoholic.
When I sat in front of that priest, he asked me a question.
Do you believe in God?
And I told him no.
And he said, then I suggest you go find one.
And I said, I wouldn't even know where to start.
And he said, well, didn't you ever learn anything and you ever go to church?
And I said, yeah, I did when I was a kid.
And he said, well, figure out a God you like.
And I said, okay.
And he said, go home and think about it.
And I went home and I thought about it.
And I remembered that I had grown up with four or five different families when I was a kid
and that I never had a father.
And I thought him being a father was a heck of a good idea.
And I started thinking about that.
And I thought, you know, if he was gentle instead of like my dad on a few occasions when I saw him.
And when I rarely saw him, he was usually trying to beat me up.
And I thought if I had a father and he was gentle, maybe that would make sense.
And that's all.
I figured it out.
And I went back to this priest and I said, he said, did you find a God?
And I said, well, I know what I'd like God to be.
And he said, what's that?
And I said, a father and gentle.
And he said, well, that's exactly what I think God is.
And that's exactly what he is.
The book says if we're even willing to believe,
upon this simple,
simple cornerstone,
a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.
If we're even willing to believe.
You know, I didn't know God was there.
I was just hoping he was there.
And I decided to try and believe.
And my life changed.
It says,
Crushed by a self-imposed crisis.
We could neither postpone nor evade.
We had to fearlessly think.
We had to face the proposition that God either is or he isn't.
He's either everything or he's nothing.
What's your decision to be?
My self-imposed crisis isn't just my alcoholism.
My self-imposed crisis is that I can't fix myself.
I'm dying from this and I can't stop.
And you can't fix me.
No human power can relieve my alcoholism.
You can't and I can't.
Who can?
Well, there better be a God.
For I'm SOL.
You know, I believe that God is.
And I believe he's everything.
Everything in this program is an act of faith.
Everything.
There's no reward on the front.
There's no reward on the front.
There's no reward on the front end.
It's really kind of interesting.
If you watch people in Alcoholics Anonymous,
well, I'll mention this to you.
In my observation,
in Alcoholics Anonymous,
likes attract.
That means all the BSers hang out with the BSers.
All right?
And all the people that want to recover
hang around with the people that want to recover.
Who are you hanging out with?
And what did you do to help the man who still suffers today?
From a perspective of 18 years,
you know, I can go back
and just because you're sober doesn't mean you're well.
And so I get into these things.
And I'd go sliding right into untreated alcoholism.
And you go back in the second step.
I'll tell you some of the best stuff in the book
is right in there.
And you look in the book there
and it starts talking about people
that are making heavy going out of life.
And it talks about people
who are having difficulty with relationships.
And people who can't seem to be of real service to others.
People who are prey to misery and depression.
People who are having trouble finding a job.
And that was going on with me.
And I went in there and I thought,
well, what's the answer to that?
Because that book comes with the answers, too.
And I looked at it and it was talking about power.
You know, in the beginning,
almost everybody knows that that book says
lack of power is the problem.
Well, how are we supposed to find it?
That's what the book is about.
Finding a power greater than ourselves.
And I thought, well, what's the answer to that?
And it talks about becoming willing to believe.
Now, I have this dilemma about lack of power.
And all of a sudden, I become willing to believe
and it says there's new power flowing in.
And then all of a sudden, it talks about people
who have power, peace, happiness,
and a sense of direction in their lives.
And it says that the difference between those people
and the people who are making heavy going out of life
is that God is the central fact in their lives.
And see, power, peace, happiness, and a sense of direction
is all that I've ever wanted.
That's everything.
It's all I want out of life.
I moved to Denver in 1974
right in front of the 1975 International.
And I ran into all these people who were these,
these real book thumpers.
And they started coming after me
and I had never really done much.
And I kind of knew I was going to drink again.
And they said there is a solution
and it works for everybody.
Even somebody as burnt out and blown away as you are
can recover using the 12 steps.
So you better get busy
and we'll show you how to do it.
And I sat down with my sponsor
and started at the forward to the first edition
where it says,
it says in italics,
to show others precisely
how we have recovered
is the purpose of this book.
Sometimes it sounds kind of tacky
to walk up to somebody and say,
I can show you precisely how to recover.
But it's true.
Because my sponsor showed me precisely how to recover
and all I had to do was follow the directions.
And when we got to the third step,
he talked to me about alcoholism, the disease.
And he said, you know,
bottles are only a symptom of this, Bob.
You think alcoholism is putting a bottle to your mouth
and draining all the liquid out of it.
And he said, it isn't.
It's about selfishness and dishonesty
and resentment and fear.
And it's about being driven away from God.
And he said, if you can get that in tow,
if you can work on those four things,
you don't have to drink anymore.
In fact, you don't even have to want to drink anymore.
And he said, you do that by finding God.
And in here there's a decision.
And the decision is in a prayer.
And the prayer says,
God, I offer myself to thee to build with me
and to do with me as thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do thy will.
Take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help with thy power,
thy love, and thy way of life.
May I do thy will.
Thy will always.
And he said, and that's the commitment.
He said, selfishness is the base.
Selfishness, self-centeredness,
that we think is the root of our disease.
And it is.
So he said, go home.
Think about that.
Tell me what you think.
It's a commitment.
You're going to have to turn your will
and your life over to God.
And that means all the way.
He gets it all.
He gets to do anything with you he wants.
Anything.
I don't want to give God that kind of power.
And when I went back a week later,
he said, are you willing to do it?
And I was scared.
And I said, yeah, I am.
And I got on my knees
and I held hands with him
and I said the prayer.
And the part about I offer myself to God
so he can do anything with me that he wants
is true and I believed it.
And I was willing to make the commitment.
You know, being relieved of the bondage itself
is an enormous gift
because all I could ever see was me.
You know, I went pole vaulting over mouse turds
more than anybody I think I ever met.
I made such a big deal
out of everything that was going on in my life
because I thought I was so important.
And I'm not.
I'm just part of the herd.
Take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help.
That means take an old burned up drunk like me
and clean me up
and let people see that this really works.
That if you have a dream in your life
it doesn't have to be a dream.
It doesn't have to stay a dream
because God can do for us
what we can't do for ourselves.
And if you don't believe that
try it and see if it works.
You know, we're kind of literalists
where I go to meetings
and if the book says something
if we don't believe it
we test it.
You want to try it sometime?
Try this.
There's a line in the book that says
that we made decisions based on self
which later placed us
in a position to be hurt.
Next time you get hurt
look back.
See if you made a decision based on self
which puts you there.
Always worked for me.
Let me be an example
that this really works.
You know, I'm not a saint.
I'm far from it.
I'm not a particularly religious person
but I pray as much as anybody I know.
God really works in my life
and has for years.
And I haven't wanted a drink
since almost from the time
that I came through the door.
I made that decision
and at the end of that
I thought, well, this is really good.
You know, I got up
and I felt this sense of relief
and I felt a sense of power in my life
and I felt like something
had really happened.
And it had.
And my sponsor said,
I want you to read something.
And the part that he wanted me to read
was the part that says
this will have little permanent effect
unless it's at once followed
by a rigorous attempt to clean house.
And he said, Bob,
I don't know what that means to you
but to me it means it's going to wear off
if you don't write inventory.
Now, I was always hoping
that there was some space
where it said, okay,
now that's been tough
so relax.
And for about three or four months
and get your wind
and then we'll just sort of
run you into inventory.
Let me share something with you
about new people in the program.
I see a lot of people go,
that's okay,
just get your feet under you.
And they go in there
and they stroke them, you know,
and they go, you're just fine
and they love you back to life.
And then they say,
well, you just wait.
You know, in about six months
we'll get started on the steps
and then you can do that.
I don't believe that.
I don't believe in it.
I don't think,
I think you're messing
with people's lives.
And that's an opinion
and that means you can just.
But I'll tell you what,
the strongest statement in the book
is with all the earnestness
that I've ever had,
I've never had,
is with our command,
we beg of you
to be fearless and thorough
from the very start.
You know that stuff
we heard this weekend
about when do I start doing the steps?
And the answer was,
when do you want to start getting well?
It's true.
How long can you survive
with your alcoholism intact?
Well, I started writing an inventory.
I just,
I really didn't come here
to take issue with a whole lot of things.
I did the inventory out of the book.
I won't say any more than that.
I'm always amazed by people
who feel that they ought to take poetic license
with an almost perfect
spiritual program.
Well, you know,
people go,
well, this is nice,
but this is better.
Right?
Horse manure.
It was good the way it started,
and if we leave it alone,
it'll be good for the next five generations of drunks.
What is that?
Ha, ha, ha.
So I wrote down all these resentments,
people, institution, principles.
I wrote down why I was mad at them
in the second column,
and I wrote down how that affected me,
whether it was my self-esteem,
my security ambitions,
personal sex relations, pocketbook.
And then I had to go back
and look at all of those.
I had to find out
in each one of those instances
where I was selfish, dishonest,
self-seeking, and frantic.
And that's where I found out
what I was about.
That's where I found out
what the truth was about me.
And I need to see that.
You know, if I'm going to be an example,
and if I work with someone today,
and I work with a lot of people,
if I work with them,
I better know about me.
Because the more I know about me,
the more I know about you,
because we're all the same.
I finished my resentment inventory,
and I figured that was about as much
as I needed to do,
and I went back to my sponsor,
and I said, I'm done.
And he said, where's your fear inventory?
And I said, what fear inventory?
And he said, well,
you need to write down everything you're afraid of.
And I said, well, I'm not afraid of anything.
You know my history.
I was a bill collector
on the north side of Chicago.
What the hell am I afraid of?
I mean, if I was afraid of anything,
I would have been hauling ass
out of one of those projects.
He said, really?
How about snakes?
I said, what kind of snakes?
And he said, well, how about rattlesnakes?
And I said, well,
I wouldn't want to be in a closet with one.
And he said, well, write down snakes.
How about spiders?
Like black widows, you mean?
Yeah, that's good.
No, I don't like those either.
Well, write down spiders.
How about failure?
Oh, cheap shot.
Well, see, everybody always said
I was going to be like my dad.
And I guess I halfway believed him.
How about inadequacy?
Oof.
Yeah, I just never thought
I was good as anybody else.
How about women?
Oh, no.
Really?
Are you telling me
you're not afraid of women?
Well, I guess a little.
Write down women.
How about children?
Or just the little ones?
Because I don't like to hold them.
I'm afraid I'm going to drop them.
Write down infants.
How about the police?
Oh.
Only when I see one right behind me.
Write down police.
How about the courts?
Oof.
I was sentenced to two years
in the Green Bay Reformatory for assault
when I was 17 years old
and didn't think that the courts
had been treating me too well.
Write down the courts.
How about homosexuality?
Oh, come on.
I don't know about that.
I just don't...
I don't know what to do with that.
And I don't want to be around that.
Write down homosexuality.
Is there anything you're not afraid of?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I guess not.
The book says that fear is an evil
and corroding thread.
The fabric of our existence
is shot through with it.
It's true.
Never met a drunk that wasn't terrified
with good reason.
The good news in that
is that it says,
Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?
Yes.
Left to my own devices, do I have good reason to be afraid of all of that?
Yeah, I really do.
But if I am standing in the presence of God, do I have anything to fear?
Not a thing.
Not a thing.
People go, don't you get nervous about getting up and talking?
Not if you know what your intent is.
I mean, if my intent is to get up here and to find somebody out there that still suffers
and needs to know that Alcoholics Anonymous works, I don't have to be afraid to be up here.
This is about God.
And God has me in the palm of his hand.
And I know that.
At the end of it, then there's a thing called a sex inventory.
Now, that sounded interesting.
Only because I had no idea.
I hadn't had much.
What I found out, it says, are your relationships selfish or not?
And everything was.
You know, I took the relationships that I had in my life and they were all selfish.
And then it asks this question about, did you unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness?
Yeah.
Up until about the fifth or sixth inventory.
And then it hit me like somebody dropped a truck on me.
Okay.
Did you unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness?
Yeah.
Yeah, I sure did.
That was the way I knew how to have a relationship.
Those were my tools of the trade.
When I got in a relationship with this lady, I never wanted her to get a clear look at me.
I mean, if she ever got both feet on the ground and got a look at me, she'd be out of there quicker than you could whistle.
And so I think if you always...
If you always keep them off, you know, a little off center, maybe they'll hang around and they'll be curious about who you really are.
And maybe they'll never find out.
And so I used jealousy.
Even after I was married.
Come home drunk.
Where have you been?
Out.
Who have you been with?
Just a bunch of people.
What's that stuff on your shirt?
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm going to bed.
I'm going to bed.
There's suspicion.
You smell like perfume.
What's going on?
You know, we were dancing in a bar.
What went on?
Nothing.
It's four o'clock in the morning.
Nothing.
Bitterness.
You don't like it?
I think you're a bitch.
Hey, there's no anchor on your ass.
You don't like it?
Get out of here.
Get out of here.
That's a hell of a way to have a relationship.
You know, I was 12 years sober and found out that I knew absolutely nothing about how to have a relationship.
Now, how do you put that in your ego?
All right?
I mean, I'm sitting there.
I got divorced when I was eight years sober.
And I'm sitting there and then this lady comes along and I'm thinking,
that's the lady I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.
And I didn't have a clue about how to have a relationship with her.
I had to learn.
And one of the hardest things that I had to learn was how to communicate.
I didn't want to talk about it.
You know, my idea of a relationship was,
screw it, I'm out of here.
That's the whole deal.
I don't like it, I'm gone.
I'm done.
And I had to sit down.
I had to sit down face to face with this woman and say what you did really hurt me.
Or, I don't know what's going on here, but we seem to be at odds.
And I think we need to sit down and talk about it.
Somebody told me, they said, Olson, you always got one foot out the door.
Okay?
Okay?
Why don't you get both?
Why don't you get both feet in the door and close it?
And see if it works.
And I went to my wife and I told her that.
I said, because I married this lady.
I went in there and I said, Lori, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I know we're going to have difficulties.
But if we have them, I want to be able to sit down face to face with you,
even if I'm driven to do that.
And I want to work it out.
And I'm in this relationship for the duration.
I'm here for good.
And I will not run away.
And that's tough.
And it works.
When I was a kid, I used to, you know, I wasn't really connected anywhere.
I never didn't have a sense of family or anything.
And I used to sit.
Down on this river or by this lake.
And there's a lot of that around Wisconsin.
And I would watch these people out in boats, you know, with families.
And I used to dream about what I wanted to be.
And I had this picture in my mind.
That I wanted to be married to this just wonderful woman that was beautiful
and kept a nice big clean house.
And had a couple of sons and maybe a hunting dog.
And a fast car.
Maybe own my own company one day.
Maybe I really could be a success.
And I sat there and I would think about that.
And you know, as I got older and I started drinking, I used to think about that too.
And the more I drank, the less I understood I could ever have that.
I just couldn't.
I just couldn't have it.
Because the bottle was the only thing I was ever going to be attached to.
And it took everything that I had.
When I got done with my inventory, I put this...
We call it take it to the grave stuff.
I don't know what you call it.
You know what it is?
It's usually about sex.
And it's something you don't want to ever tell anybody.
Okay?
It's really funny because I've heard an awful lot of fifth steps.
And it's after about the first five.
Nothing's different.
Okay?
So if you go in there and you're talking to somebody and doing your fifth step,
tell them the worst stuff first.
Okay?
Get it out of the way so you can have fun with your fifth step.
So anyway, I had this really terrible stuff on the end.
And then I went to my sponsor and he's the only guy I ever let in
because I'm kind of a loner.
And I sat down and I said,
well, here it is.
And I'd read him this whole inventory.
And I expected him after I was done to jump up and say,
you are terrible.
I don't want to be around you.
I don't want to be around you anymore.
I don't want you anywhere near me.
Just stay away.
And what he did was he put his arms around me.
Another man.
And he said, I love you and I'm so glad you did it.
So I followed the directions and I went home.
It says, taking the book down from the shelf,
we reviewed the first five proposals.
So I put the book up on the shelf.
I took it down and reviewed the first five proposals.
Hey, I don't want to miss anything.
This is my life we're messing with here.
And to see if the work was solid.
And then I asked God for the willingness to be rid of those things
which had kept me from him.
And then I said the seven-step prayer, the one about God.
I am now ready that you have all of me, good and bad.
And I was willing that he took everything.
He didn't.
But he took some of it and he's taken some of it.
And some of it I may have to just keep working on.
But I know it's God that makes the decision.
I spent an hour considering it.
Considering about those things that kept me from God.
You know what the best description in the book about an alcoholic
like someone in this room who's been sober for a while and drinks again?
It says,
It talks about resentments and fear.
And it says,
When harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.
The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again.
And for us to drink is to die.
That's how we drink again.
The insanity returns.
And the insanity returns because I'm providing safe harbor
to selfishness and dishonesty and resentment.
Fear.
Let me give you just one other thing.
I hate to be scattered here,
but let me give you one other thing to consider before I forget it.
The book says that we can find God deep down within all of us.
Okay?
Think about that.
The reason why is because maybe God's inside trying to get out.
Thank you.
The book says that God can be obscured by calamity and all sorts of things.
But the truth is that if I'm trying to live a spiritual life,
maybe we will peel the onion enough so God's light can shine out from us
and we can be an example to other people.
And if we're living a spiritual life, that's what happens.
Some people shine.
They really do.
There is light coming from people.
And they are people who have the door open.
And God comes out of them.
Okay.
I made a list.
The book says make a list of all the people we have harmed
and become willing to make amends to it.
The next line in the book is a very interesting one.
It says we did it when we took inventory.
All right?
Most of my amends were already in my inventory.
So I added a few to it,
and then I took them to my sponsor because he insisted that I go to him
and tell him precisely what the harm was before I got in front of anybody.
So I wrote down.
I had all these people written down and how I felt I had harmed them
and who I thought I should go see and who I shouldn't go see
because I thought it would cause more harm.
And the one person that we really had some disagreement about was my father.
I hated him.
I said I never did anything to him.
I mean, he took off when I was an infant.
He'd show up, beat me up, drunk.
Then he'd go again.
And he said,
Didn't he ever really try and touch you?
And I said,
Once a year he'd call me on my birthday.
And he was always drunk.
Couldn't hardly even make sense out of what he was saying.
And he said,
But he was trying to talk to you, wasn't he?
Because you were his son.
And I said,
Yeah.
And he said,
What'd you do?
And I'd say,
I'd hang up on you.
And he said,
Well, don't you see that even through his alcoholism he was trying to touch you?
And he said,
You ought to understand that.
I want you to go make amends to him for not letting him near
when all he wanted to do was touch you.
I went,
Well, I don't know about that.
And he said,
Get in your car and drive to Wisconsin and do it.
So I did.
I went to Wisconsin.
Went into the Grand Army home.
He was sitting in a wheelchair.
And I walked up to him.
I hadn't seen him in 10, 15 years.
And I said,
Hi, I'm your son, Bob.
Now, he was not supposed to be capable of understanding anything at that point.
And he brightened up.
And I said,
I need to talk to you.
And I wheeled him over into this little room.
And we sat down.
And I said,
I'm an alcoholic.
And he became very sad.
And I said,
I found an answer in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous.
And part of that program is to come to you
and try and repair the damage that I've done.
I regret having done that.
And I'm willing to do anything to balance the books.
I don't have to drink anymore.
And my life has changed.
And he became very excited.
Very excited.
And not too long after that,
he was not capable of understanding.
But I know that he was then.
I owed a lot of money.
Didn't own anything.
Didn't have a car.
Didn't have a house.
Barely had the clothes on my back.
I asked my uncle,
who was a banker.
I said,
take a look at this.
I've written down all my debts
and all the people I owe money to.
How do I get out from under this?
He said,
it's very simple.
You start paying now
and you pay until it's paid.
Whoa.
I said,
I owe $14,000.
This is in 1973.
And he said,
that's what you do.
And so about 30% of everything I made
for the next two and a half years went out.
Hardly ever went anywhere.
Hardly went to movies.
Almost never went to dinner.
And then one day,
they were having a boat show in Denver.
I still owed $2,500 on my amends
and I just couldn't wait any longer
because I've always been so fascinated by boats.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to Denver.
And I went down to the place
where they were having the show.
And I was walking around in there
and the Bassmasters had a raffle
on this really neat looking bass boat.
And I had three tickets in my hand.
I was looking at them and I went,
well, I wonder how that happened.
And they had $10 of my money.
And I thought,
that's the dumbest damn thing I ever did.
I don't even remember doing it.
And the next day,
they called me up and told me I won the boat.
Thank you.
And see,
I had these two little boys.
And they weren't much higher than about that,
not as high as this podium.
And they were with me.
And they went down
and they're jumping around in the boat
and going,
Dad, this is our boat.
Do we get to take this home?
Isn't this neat?
And I went to the Rebel Bass Boat dealer
and I said,
how much is that boat worth?
And he said,
$2,400 wholesale.
This Texan came up to me and said,
do you want to sell it?
And I said,
for how much?
And he said,
$2,500.
What do you do?
Pay off your amends?
Take the boat home
and hope you make enough money
to pay your amends?
What do you do?
I told my kids
we couldn't have the boat.
And this Texan gave me $2,500, $100 bills
and I was clear for the first time
in my adult life.
See, the funny thing about that
was I had been down at York Street,
which is kind of the mother house in Denver,
bragging to everybody
what a big goddamn deal I was.
How important I was
and what a wonderful job I had done
in paying my amends.
And how I had done the whole deal.
And all of a sudden
this big hand came out of the sky
with $2,500 in it and said,
Who?
Up until a few years ago
I was the guy that sold
most of the toasters
to the savings and loans.
I have to tell you this
from a perspective
of being sober for a while.
About five years ago
when the wheels came off
of that industry,
they all quit buying that.
And they left me with
almost a million dollars
worth of merchandise
and no place to go.
And as a result of that
my business failed
and I wound up
on a quarter of a million dollars.
On the hook.
And I'm thinking,
Whoa.
I've been sober for 13 years.
This isn't supposed to be
happening to me.
A year and a half later
it was paid off.
A quarter of a million dollars.
I don't know where it came from.
I just went to work every day.
Started a little printing company.
It's the biggest one in Denver now.
I went to my sponsor
and I said,
Don,
it took three years
for God to pay off
$14,000.
How do you figure
he paid off
a quarter of a million dollars
in a year and a half?
And he said,
What's the problem?
And I said,
How do you explain that?
He said,
No big deal, Bob.
God's got all the money he needs.
Ten is about continuing to watch
for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
When we see it,
we ask God to remove it at once.
Or we ask him at once
to remove it.
Talk to somebody about it.
And then resolutely
turn our thoughts
to someone we can help.
That's the exercise
and it works.
Okay?
The trick is
resolutely turning our thoughts
because that means
we're in selfishness
or dishonesty
or resentment or fear
and we're turned in.
And the trick
is being able to turn out
and we can turn out
by thinking of another alcoholic.
We can always tell
when people are really
into the tenth step
because you get a lot
of calls.
They go,
I'm doing some resentment
or I'm doing some fear
or whatever.
And eleven is about discipline.
It's about what you do
in the morning.
You get up and say,
God, please keep my day
free from selfish, dishonest,
and self-seeking motives.
Please give me
intuitive thoughts
or decisions.
I pray for all the people
that I feel like
I ought to pray for
and I ask God to show me
through the day
what my next step
is to be in
and help me
with the problems.
It says I have to
maintain some attitudes
through the day.
Thy will not mine be done
and I'm not running
the show anymore.
And it says I've got to
do some things
when I go to bed at night.
I need to review my day,
see if I've taken more out
than I've added.
I need to see
if I owe amends to anyone.
I need to pause
when I'm agitated
or doubtful
and ask for the right
thought or action.
Now,
most of us equate
step 12 with
carrying the message
or this kind of stuff
or one-on-one
or whatever.
But you know,
the more important
show of 12
is can you practice
these principles
in all your affairs?
Do I just do this here?
What happens
when I get home?
Am I growing
in understanding
and effectiveness?
Do my kids love me?
Let me tell you
about my life today.
I live in a nice,
clean house.
I have three sons,
27,
23,
and 3.
My wife is pregnant
with twin boys.
Don't ever ask it
for anything
unless you want
a lot of it.
I'm 53 years old.
What,
you think it falls off
when you're 50?
Just a little plug
for the geriatric set here.
You can tell
I'm a spiritual speaker.
I'm a spiritual speaker.
I have the respect
of my peers,
both in Alcoholics Anonymous
and in business.
I love my wife very much
and she loves me.
And my three sons
love me.
I have everything
I've ever wanted.
I never could have
gotten this.
I couldn't have dreamed
up something this good.
And I didn't get it.
It was just given to me.
And I believe
that it was given to me
because God will give us
whatever we want
as long as we can handle it.
As long as we just practice
the simple program.
You know, all I've done
is just work the 12 steps
for 18 years.
And my life has gotten
to get better so gradually
that most of the time
I can't even see it.
But over time,
over the 18 years,
my life has become
so significantly better
than anything
that I have ever experienced
that I cannot believe
where I am today.
If there is anything
that I wish for you,
it is everything that I have.
And I would give it to you.
This really works.
If there are people
in your AA community
who don't do the steps,
and live on fear and fellowship,
tell them that these things work.
There are 12 steps in this book
for a reason.
They're there to work.
They're there to get us
closer to God.
And God can do for us
what we can't do for ourselves.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.