Surrendering to Life on Life’s Terms Without the Fight – Paul M.

Before introducing tonight's speakers, I want to especially thank our Speakers Committee for their service to this year's dinner. Committee Chair Marianne M. and the eight members of her committee spent many evenings hearing the 51 who were nominated to speak at this dinner. The process requires dedication to service, and I am grateful to the Speakers Community for their help. And now I would like to introduce our first speaker, Paul M., a member of the Feelings Group from Queens. Good evening, everyone. My name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic. And because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have to drink any booze today. and for that I'm very grateful I'd like to take this opportunity of thanking New York Intergroup for putting on this event for you people for being here especially those people that made the trip in for me from Rockaway as you've probably figured out I didn't get this accent from drinking Irish Whiskey although I drank quite a lot of it I'm from Ireland originally, up in the north near Belfast thank you and I say that because we Irish have a tendency to talk fast, drunk or sober you know it reminds me of the first night I ever spoke at an AA meeting it was over in Brooklyn I had about 90 days so nervous right and I got up there I took a deep breath and I spoke for 20 minutes and I don't think I took another breath and this half the room is dazed and this Half Room is confused I think someone thought I was speaking Gaelic you know and they're like I didn't know they had windtalkers in Ireland but people in there are so kind they come up afterwards and they're like oh thank you for sharing I really got a lot out of what you said but hopefully it won't be like that tonight anyway hard was what happened and hard is today I know you have to drink alcohol to be an alcoholic but I also know that alcohol comes in bottles and alcoholism comes in people and I had a lot of the symptoms of this disease long before booze ever passed my lips and back in Northern Ireland as a kid irritable, discontent had that stone in my shoe feeling you know half measures availed me nothing so I don't know if I was a symptom looking for disease but I took the booze like a duck to water you know and I was alcoholic from the first drink as a young kid 9 or 10 years of age my father brought me and my brother into a bar in this seaside town in Ireland we were on our holidays is you know and he was going to have a few beers with his friends I mean my brother won't have a few sodas right so that wasn't good enough for me I go around the tables and I'm sneaking people's drinks and the upside is you Know I got drunk and this is in a seaside town and like a vacation town and they had a talent contest in the bar and apparently I got up on the stage and I sang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang I fell off the stage drunk and had to be carried out of the bar now I could stop my story right there because that's pretty much what happened every time I drank, I drank I fell down and I got carried out maybe not the ChittyChitty BangBang part but then again who knows in a blackout you know they go oh there goes that Irish guy every time he's drunk he thinks he's Dick Van Dyke you know and I believe ChittyCittyBangBang is coming back to Broadway so who knows maybe a bridge back to Broadway as well as a bridge back to life yeah but uh as i said it was like lighting a firecracker when i took drink and to make matters worse the neighborhood i grew up in if you didn't drink you moved everybody drank i didn't know anybody that didn't drank and uh before i started my teens i was a deal i'm not going to go into the whole ins and outs of it but i had my stomach pumped out on the school night from drinking when i was like 15 so that gives you some idea where i was going before i'm out in my teens, I'm a daily drinker. Before I'm out of my teens I'm already taking morning drink and have a terrible reputation in the neighbourhood for drinking. Mothers would tell their daughters and their sons, stay away from him, he's bad news when it comes to booze. My parents had their hearts broke and as I said, as I went into my early 20s, my life's just unravelling around me and I get into the blame game but I'm from Northern Ireland And at this stage, Northern Ireland was a crazy place to live in. The troubles were at their height. So I was blaming where I lived and where I didn't live. This type of stuff. Looking out for the problem instead of in for the solution. And I remember thinking to myself, this country is really stifling my potential. You know what I mean? Seriously. You know how you are sitting on a bar stool, you know? I remember think to myself... Now if I was in America, there's a place a guy like me could really put his best foot forward, you now? and fall flat on his face, right? But during one of these drunken epiphanies I came home and I said to my folks I'm going to America and don't you try and talk me out of it. My father's like, talk you out of It I'll help you pack when you're leaving. On you go Columbus, you know. Here, I wrapped up a few sandwiches for you in a map, you now. So I hopped on the only airline to fly if you're an alky, Erlingus, Ireland's national airline. Believe me. The wheels haven't even left the runway and already the cabin staff are busting out the drinks cart at the back of the aeroplane, you know? I'm serious. The plane's at like a 45 degree angle and the flight attendants are like Sherpas pushing the drinks carts up to the front, you know. And everyone's ringing their bell looking booze. Bing, bing, bING, bIng. You think you're in a pinball machine rather than an airplane, you know? So anyway, I arrived in New York and I can see with the crowd here tonight New York did not need another alcoholic, you know? I mean, it's like, you know. Right? You guys are like, listen, any pain, trouble or misery to be caused to ourselves or anyone else with booze, we got it covered. Thank you very much. But I got here with my two cents worth and like driftwood, I washed up in Rockaway Beach. Now you talk about going from the frown, pond to the fire. You tell people you live in Rockaway Beach they go, oh, Rockaway beach, the Irish Riviera. It's more like cirrhosis by the sea, you know? There's two types of people in Rockway. Those NAA and those that should be NAA, you now? And there's notable exceptions one being my wife here tonight so let me get that in. So to make matters worse I got a job as a bartender. Now, I'm using the word bar here in the loosest possible context. I mean, this was a real dive. It was a sort of a bar you got thrown into rather than out of, you know? And this is where I would eventually acquire the title of being the worst bartender in the worst bar in Rockaway. And believe me, that was from a highly competitive field, you know what I mean? I mean this bar had it all, I am not kidding you. Alcoholics, drug addicts, degenerate gamblers and that was just the staff. That wasn't even the customers. I mean, I'm going to get a moment of clarity. What's a nice guy like me doing in a place like this? This wasn't in the brochure when I decided to come to America. But it's where I belong because it's so true. The non-alcoholic will change their life to meet their goals. An alcoholic will change his goals to meet his life. So I was right where I belonged. I fit it in like a glove. And my drinking really took off. I used to work at night. So I'm drinking before work. I'm drinking at work, I'm drinking after work and you know that's the story of my alcoholism it got progressively worse, I start hitting hospitals, I am having convulsions and seizures and things just get worse and people be on to me about my drinking and I used to think about it people say Paul why are you drinking like you're drinking and I would say lack of willpower but more willpower I could have half a dozen drinks and go home or my ace in the hole was punishment from God he's headed in for me from day one I fancied myself like some sort of modern day Job, you know and I was on top of God's vendetta list on a daily basis but like our book says, truth be known I really had no idea why I was drinking here I am working as a bartender I know all about alcohol but I don't know anything about alcoholism I don' t notice the first drink gets you drunk I don´t realise I got a body that won´t let me drink and a mind that won't let me stop that I'm powerless over alcohol that my life is unmanageable, drunk or sober when I'm running it, and I'm the only person running it. I didn't know any of this stuff until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I pretty much experienced every form of drinking. Daily drinking, morning drinking, binge drinking. But the drinking that caught up with me the last few years, I became a periodic alcoholic. I was either on a round-the-clock drunk or a white knuckle dry. And the drunks got longer in duration, and the peer between them got shorter. And it was bad. Now, I got sober in August. and in the early part of that summer I'd put two really bad drunks together almost back to back and that shook me up and I managed to stay dry till August and then I busted out drinking again and I went at it for about three weeks around the clock at this stage very little bar room drinking around theclock at home not eating, not washing suicidal type drinking and I was in bad shape when I knew it now Susan who's my wife we all have our miracle stories and here's mine. Susan, who's my wife, she stood by me. We weren't married then but she stood behind me and Dr. Bob said we're blessed with great women and I can certainly attest to that. And she didn't know if I was alive or dead because I was AWOL. I wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't enter the door and she's at work and very upset and a friend of hers at work said my father's got a friend who's an AA and she gave him his number. So through this convoluted chain of events she wrote the number down and put it under my door with a note which had been saying what I'd been hearing since I was 15 you're a nice guy but you drink too much and I was in so much pain that I picked up the phone and I called a complete stranger and he had been praying that I was going to call and this guy had been an AA since 1961 and I said to him I can't stop drinking he said you can't start drinking because you're an alcoholic and immediately I'm thinking to myself this guy called me an alcoholic. He doesn't even know me. You know what I mean? I mean, the pride and ego of the alcoholic is unbelievable. I'm laying in the gutter looking down on people. Do you know what i'm saying? And I bit my tongue and he says do you believe in God? And I come out with the old yeah, yeah, but he doesn't believe in me type thing. He says well, say a quick prayer and I'm coming over to your house. And I hung up the phone. It was a hot August morning. I'm drinking whiskey and beer. And this thought came into my head, what have I got to lose? Because I realised I had made booze my higher power. I held up like a deity. It was going to be the solution to all my problems. And here I am sitting in my apartment emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. That was the return of my investment, of me running the show. I said, what do I got to lose for the first time in years with any degree of authenticity? I got down on my knees and I said if there's anything out there, please help me. And it was a hot August morning but really it was crying in the dark and I'm glad that God is not a scorekeeper because immediately I felt like someone just took a big weight off my shoulders and a great sense of peace came over me and I started to worry and fret but this other feeling just kept suppressing it that I'm sitting on the floor totally at peace and this other thought came into my head you don't ever have to drink again if you don' t want to. Now I know I didn' t put those thoughts there I' m not an expert in these matters but I think at that moment in time I surrendered totally I let go absolutely of all my old ideas and by acknowledging that I was totally helpless, I ceased being totally hopeless and just after that the guy Jerry came to the door and I told him what happened he said you're dispersed experience it'll get you sober but it won't keep you sober we've got to get you to AA I was too sick to go there four days later I was strong enough to go to my first meeting of AA and it was the greatest thing I ever did even scrambled eggs as I was I knew at that first meeting there was something here Susan met me after my first meeting and she had heard all before promises and the oaths and the diet and I told her I found something I intuitively knew, I couldn't have described it I couldn'T have written it down but I knew there was Something here and boy did I only know the half of it because I would have settled for not drinking just get the disease off my back but I got so much more besides I got me back, I got you back and I got him back and I'd lost a whole lot so for about the first two and a half years I threw myself into the fellowship and the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous even though I had that spiritual experience I really only took a cautionary glance at steps 2 and 3 now I reached a point two and half years into AA where I don't know if I was going to drink but I certainly wasn't a picture of serenity and it came at a point I realised that there was a need for a second surrender yes I had surrendered to booze but now I had to surrender to life on life's terms And for me, that meant not just abandoning myself to God, but to the entire program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, this program or aspects of it is totally alien to my personality. Irish, stoic, stuff everything, don't tell nobody nothing. That was my code of conduct. But that was getting me absolutely nowhere in here. See, I was still operating under that old barroom mentality. You know? I wanted you to do the steps and I'll feel better. You know, and hey, it doesn't work that way. You know, you get through the door in a gift. But everything else you've got to work for, right? What's the old saying? There's no free lunches in AA. I know what you're thinking. There's not free dinners either. And you're probably right, you know. And so I reached that point. And the people told me, Paul, it's a program of attraction, not promotion. You've got make that decision. And this is my own opinion. I know this is a worldwide fellowship. But I don't think it's any coincidence that it started here in the States. because this thing is as American as apple pie it's democratic, it's egalitarian it's inclusive but most of all it gives and respects your freedom in other words the guys told me Paul you decide how you want to fly in this program you make that decision step one is an important step but it's just the beginning of the journey if you elect to stay there you will be unhappy, miserable and discontent because you're going to be sitting there with untreated alcoholism but if you want to do that, go ahead knock yourself out and you probably will but if You want to have these promises realised in your life if You wanna know peace and happiness and serenity well then take this journey with us but You must make that decision because this program is not for people that need it nor is it for people who want it it's for people to do it so You decide what You wanna do you see the pain of drinking had drove me into the fellowship and the pain of living in this fellowship without the entire program drove me into the steps and thank god i went on faith rather than reason and i realized that we don't do the steps because they're nice we do them because they are necessary for recovery now i'm not saying the steps were the panacea for everything but they brought me to a point in recovery where I could decide what was my work, what was God's work and where I needed outside help. And believe me, I don't do it perfect. There's days I'm sober and there's other days I don'T drink. But because I stayed around here and eventually did the work, I know the difference. And by doing that program, I was eventually able to do something that I was unwilling or unable to do before in the past. And that was live life on life's terms. That bridge back to life. You see, I'm in here because I can't live out there. I can'T live out there drunk, I tried that. Booze failed me. I can't live out here without this entire program. Try that. Start raving sober. The only chance I have of living out there is this program fellowship and the God of my understanding working together on this 24-hour plan, this design for living, this recovery package wherein this hopeless alcoholic can stay off booze for one day and hopefully be a better man. That's what works for me. You know? And as I said, this is what I try to do. and that's what I like about AA because it's a reality check on a daily basis not what life should be not what I think it should be but how it is today this is where the rubber meets the road you see, I wasn't a big fan of reality it's no coincidence I'm standing here in the middle of New York with an Irish accent I was a runner a long distance runner I was an escape artist and booze was a great escape but by doing that program I was able to realise why I put the running shoes on And even in sobriety, I realized that every time I ran away from life, I was the guy firing the starting pistol. You see, this is the real deal in here. I mean, this Is my own opinion again. For me, drinking booze was the closest thing to a spiritual experience that actually wasn't one. I mean it was so close, but it wasn't the real thing. You know that half-drunk feeling where you're sitting like, I wanted to live there 24-7, and that's not reality. And looking back on it, any victory that I had was purely symbolic and short-lived. The real deal was in here. You see, there was always that desire within me to be spiritually complete. I ended up with a hole in my soul. And I tried to fill it with booze and people and places and things. All this stuff from the outside. When I eventually worked that program, I was able to make that spiritual connection. Able to tap into that spirituality. More will be revealed. I was able to find out that I didn't need those outside props. That that phrase, happiness is an inside job, it's not some trite throwaway phrase. There's a lot of truth in that because the spirituality was always here and I was always able to tap into it. Like that old phrase, a bird doesn't fly because it has wings, it has wing because it flies. The spirituality was almost here and I would be able to work it. And as I said, I don't do it perfect but I got used people to help me because we do together what I can't do alone. They told me, never underestimate the power of the first word of the first step because this beautiful fellowship that we can trace right back to the co-founder Bill Wilson. When he had that blessed idea, I wonder if I can get sober by trying to help another alcoholic get sober. The turning point in all our lives, past and present Because out of that thought would come a fellowship and a program where people like me would be forced to do things that they normally wouldn't do. And in doing so, be brought into the sunlight of the spirit. So I owe a debt of gratitude to those early pioneers. Because before Bill Wilson, there wasn't much hope for us. Jails, institutions are death. And once you've been locked up a few times and strapped down a few time, believe me, death starts to look like a viable option. and those early guys I mean even the public perception of us was horrendous we were the world's weakling, the alcoholic I can stop whenever I want why can't he? I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that we were society's squished outcast a drunkard, stay away from him he's bad news when it comes to booze because of those early pioneers Bill Wilson included this disease was finally dragged out of the dark ages and into the modern era and it was all just here for me when I got here I, believe me I haven't had an original thought since I got to AA that's the God's honest truth I work in education and believe me, thank God this is one learning centre where copying is encouraged and plagiarism is allowed because it's really been see it done and then do it yourself you know and as I said, I'm no longer alone because I've got used people you know, I don't know your whole life story But when you tell me you're an alcoholic, I know enough. I know that you've experienced terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair. I know you put a drink to your lips as the tears roll down your face when you drank it anyway. I know the friends and family and loved ones pleaded with you not to drink and you drank. I know your drink when you're mad, sad, glad, didn't know why you get started and couldn't stop once you did. I know these things because you tell you're not the holic. I know this thing's because I'm an alcoholic but I'll tell you something I don't know. I don't know why we are here and other people aren't, because most alcoholics died drunk. I guarantee you right now, not too far from this hotel, somebody's drinking themselves to death. And they'll never get a meeting of AA, they'll Never get a 30-day chip, They'll never blow the candle off a one-year anniversary cake, And they will die the terrible death of an active alcoholic. Pitiful, incomprehensible demoralisation. And they live out the last years of their existence under the mad realm of king alcohol. and we know from our own experience that that's not exaggeration or hyperbole because that's the way it is because that' s the way it was with us I know that road myself I was on it you know I paid it myself with the stones of self-deception self-destruction self-will all the way to the end where I'm sitting in my apartment drinking around the clock against my own will knowing loneliness that only an alcoholic can know life without drink terrified me life without think terrified me the jumping off place wishing for the end and to tell you the truth I didn't really cure if I went over the edge because that's what booze will do to you it will remove the will to live but somebody did cure God in his infinite wisdom says no you're not going over the age you're nicht going into the abyss and he put me on a different road and my book tells me the road I'm on today the road of happy destiny it even tells me who I'm going to meet use people it even tell me what we're going to do trudge walk with purpose there's a purpose to my life today There's a rhythm, there's a meaning. I'm not sitting somewhere in my cups wondering what's it all about. I know what it's about because I know that I am Paul and I am an alcoholic and that tells me who I am and what I am and where I need to be and if I know that I'm alright and when I'm Alright everything around me is alright too. So AA allowed me to get alright because it allowed me the come to terms with the past so I could live in the present for the future which is the rest of today, you know. AA gave me the ability to live two lives in one lifetime. I was on the scrap heap at 16 because of drinking. I came into AA just to stop drinking and eventually became responsible, accountable married Susan we had a beautiful stepdaughter last year we were blessed with a baby ourselves who's hopefully sleeping up in her room right now but I doubt it very much you know she's probably sitting watching Dora the Explorer and what the heck, we're all up late tonight you know I mean I'm back to school, got a degree got a masters in June I'll be finished my second masters did I say I just came here to stop drinking the gifts of this program are endless you know what, but that's all I'm Irish that's old ice cream, the meat and potatoes one I don't drink, two I don'T have to drink three I DON'T want to drink because I found something better than drink the big headline for me in AA is there's life after booze and it's a good life too so if you're just coming around or you're juste coming back there's a miracle here with your name on it please don't leave here without it every day in AA is great, some days are greater than others and this is certainly one of those greater days it's an honour and a privilege to be allowed to come here tonight and share my experience strength and hope with each and every one of you and I want to thank you for being here I want to thank you for letting me share, and that's all I'll say. Thank you very much. Thanks so much, Paul. That was fantastic. And I have to say, I'm really happy I don't have to follow that. Please welcome our second speaker, Bonnie V., a member of the Atlantic Group in Manhattan. Hi, I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic. I really want to thank this committee. This is an honor. This is a privilege. And it's a moment in my sobriety and in my life that is a humbling experience, so thank you. You know, when we got When my husband actually got the phone call To say that I was speaking My first thought was Oh, I must be the backup And that's of course my thinking And so I was kind of taken aback And I realized in the next moment The thought was There's some kind of purpose And there's something that I'm supposed to do So I just once again want to say thank you Just a couple of pertinent facts about myself. My sobriety date is June 24th, 1988. My home group is the Atlantic Group. And my sponsor is the beautiful Myra, who is here tonight. And her sponsor is Francine, who was here tonight, and her sponsor is Peggy B., who is hear tonight. All right, so sit back, relax, because it's going to be a bumpy night. My first resentment was at the age of three. Didn't know I was an alcoholic, but I definitely had a resentment. My parents, now there's going to be a theme here, so keep in line. My First Resentment was at three and my parents went on a cruise and they didn't take me. And I remember I was with Zadie and Grandma and Uncle Al and I was at their, in their apartment. And back then it was 1963, so you can all figure out the numbers. And I looked damn good. I could say that myself. And my grandma was at the phone and she was trying to coax me to come to the phone. And I was like standing there stamping my feet in the middle of the living room going, no, they didn't take me. I'm not going to talk to her. Now, at the age of three, that could have been fairly funny. But at the age of 33 with a whole lot of other resentment stuffed in my Louis Vuitton bag, schlepping them around. It wasn't funny. And let me tell you, I had a lot. I picked up my first drink at the age of nine. I have two nieces, one who's seven and one who is 14. Nine is a very young age. And my first drink was at the age of 9. I had no idea I liked the taste and it tasted good. I also have to say that I grew up in Queens, and my parents' best friend's name was Seymour. He was an interior decorator, and he decorated everybody's home like a bar. So when you came in, you had that bar atmosphere. So I knew all the drinks. I was very cool. I knew what the Rusty Nails was and the White Russians, and I just was overdone with myself. And I remember we were at – Lauren's going to remember this. We were at Susan's house. Susan's parents used to go away. And we were all at Susan'S house, and I got drunk. and I was the only one who got drunk and blacked out and had to get picked up and my punishment and God bless my parents they didn't know what alcoholism is but my punishment was that I couldn't use the phone so for two weeks I had no phone privileges and you know if you don't know you don' t know how to treat alcoholism or an alcoholic I believe that I had all the isms and I just was wearing a go at the age of 13 I picked up and I became a daily user until I came in here at the age of 27. And when I got here, let me tell you, I was hopeless. I wanted to die. I never thought I'd reach the age of 30, nor did I want to. Growing up, I had a lot of the outside stuff. My parents sent me to the best school at the time and I went to a private school and whatever they could possibly get me or give me or buy me, it just was never enough and I always wanted more. I have the disease of more. Whatever it is, I want it bigger, I want better, I wanted more And, you know, for many, many years, I, again, did not know that I had this disease. I did not knows that nice Jewish girls from Queens are alcoholics. My father owned a factory down on the Lower East Side on the Bowery, and on the way coming off the Williamsburg Bridge, there were always these guys that were pretty disgusting, and, you now, they would, like, wipe the windows, and my mother was sitting in the Cadillac, you kno, and, like, you know, very petrified, like close the buttons on the door, you know don't let them in. And that to me was the alcoholic. I didn't know that I could have this disease. And so as I went along my journey and I was using and abusing, my disease kind of progressed and I didn' t know it. And so I left, and I went on to college. And, you know, it was always about having the outsides. And I remember studying theater in London, and all I remember about studying theater in London was Harvey's Bristol Cream with a twist. That's all I had. Harvey's Crystal Cream with the twist. Is that your water? Can I have it? Oh, great. Thanks. Sorry. Okay. Harvey's Bristol cream with a twist. And I constantly did not know that this was a problem. And the person that I went out with at the time would say to me, do you really have to drink that? Do you really Have to do that? And I didn't know. I didn' t know that I didn''t have to. And so he fell by the wayside, which is usually what I did. If you did not party the way I did, you were out. End of conversation. On to the next. I didn ''t want to waste my time. Either you drank like I did and you partied like I did or we were on to the next. And so when I graduated college, I always wanted to be a movie star so my first job out of college was a waitress and I always knew the hip, slick, cool places to waitress in and my best friend was always the bartender and I always knew where to get things and how to get things and it was, this is a party town and again I did not know that I had a problem, but it started to become apparent to those around me that I did. And this is where it gets pretty personal. There are people that are here tonight that I really owe a debt of gratitude and they're very meaningful in my life. And I want to thank Lauren and Steve and Harriet and Erwin for showing up, for coming in from Connecticut and New Jersey. And because these are important people in my life. This is part of how I got here. These are the people that started noticing that I had a problem. I remember the first intervention that I had was in 1985, and Lauren called up a girlfriend of mine, and she said, you know, something needs to be done or whatever, and I'll never forget. It was 9 o'clock in the morning. They asked me to come to their house in Manhattan, and I was like two through. I was, like, what's that important that I have to show up at 9 a.m.? Because that was, you now, really too much for me to do. And I showed up at nine in the morning and they were like, you know, we're concerned about you. And of course, you know, being the good alcoholic with the attitude, I was like, look, you don't pay my rent. You know, I like, I don't know what your problem is. I don' have a problem. I'm having a good time. That's it. And, you know, that, Lauren didn't leave me. You know? She continued to be my friend and she was getting married. And as a good alcoholic that I was, I I was envious. I was jealous. I was discontent. I was like, oh, I'm so happy for you. What about me and where's mine? But so it was at an – I think it was an engagement party. My memory is not that great. Engagement party or maybe it was a shower. And thank God my mother brought the present. I couldn't remember to bring one. I was too busy. and her mom came up to me and I'll never forget this moment came up in a very loving way and said if you ever want to come to a meeting with me you can there are young people there and of course I had the bravado and she didn't push the issue needless to say a few months later when I was in the wedding party and blacked out, and my parents told me that I had taken a nap, which is always something that you do at a wedding, is take a nap. I proceeded to wake up after the blackout, take home the centerpiece, which was important, and kiss everybody and tell them I had a fabulous time. I started to realize that I was a little bit too old for this. I realized that I didn't have a problem, and it was January of 1988. Now, I did not come in here until June of 88, And from January 1st, 88, to June of 88 was my living nightmare. I'm sure each and every one of you has that memory of what it was for you. For six months, I knew I had a problem and I had no way out. And I was scared. And I finally realized that I had to do something about it. And I made a phone call to my parents. And once again, they were going on a cruise. And they said, look, we're going on a cruise, you know, and my father said, Boobie, could it wait two weeks? We're going on a cruise. And I said, no, it can't because I'm going to be dead. And of course, my father thought I was being a drama queen, but for the first time in my life, I was telling the truth. And I went to a detox, and then they shipped me off, and they shipped me off to Hazleton, which is a rehab out in Minnesota. And I stayed out there and I went to a halfway house and I stayed up there for nine months and I was scared to death to come back here because I had burnt a lot of bridges. And when I got back, I knew I needed to make meetings and so I did that. And so I got a home group and I made meetings and I did service. My first service commitment was a cookie commitment, and I loved it. And I would go to that meeting religiously. And I was in another fellowship, and after four years, I kept saying, you know, just something's not right. I don't know what it is. I just don't Know What It Is. Something's Not Right. And I went, oh, I know what It Is! I need a boyfriend! I need A Boyfriend! And so, you know, I found one. And two halves don't make a whole. God bless that person. But I got a boyfriend. And you know what? I was still restless, irritable, and discontented. But I wasn't drinking, and I was sober. But I was miserable, andIi was slowly dying. And I didn't know why. And finally, I was at a gym that I couldn't afford, but it was the place to be. and I opened up a meeting list and next to the meeting list and this is for those who are new or don't know what this is next to it next to that meeting list the meeting that I chose it said BB close to five years of sobriety I had no idea what BB stood for BB stands for big book so I went to the meeting and I thought well it's kind of close to me I can take the R train home this will work. And I went to the meeting, and as a friend of mine said, I was wrapped around a pole pretty tight. And I proceeded to talk about myself, and then I thought, well I guess I should get a sponsor or something. And I walked over to a woman, and she had everything that I wanted. She was coiffed, you know, her nails were done, she looked good. And she said to me, well, I can't sponsor you because I haven't done the work, but this other woman can. And I was like, oh, alright. So I walk over to this other women, and he gives me her phone number and she said, look, why don't you call me tomorrow night? And I was thinking, tomorrow night, tomorrow night, it's Friday. It's date night. Obviously, she doesn't have a date. So I'll grace her with my presence. I'll call. Fine. OK. And I and I called her and I proceeded to talk about myself as usual. And she she said look, I'm going to Florida and you're an actress, right? I said, yeah, she goes so you can read the big book. Of course I can. So she said, good, why don't you read the first 163 pages and call me back after I get back? And I thought, okay. So she gets back from the weekend. I call her up. I read maybe the first 50 pages. Let me tell you, kind of boring. You know, I was like, no, please. So she's on the phone with me and she goes, well, did you do the work? And I said, well I've read 50 pages. And she said when you finished reading it, call me. Click. I was too through. Doesn't she know who I am? You know, God does for me what I can't do for myself. I chased that woman for the next two years of my sobriety and I'm always grateful to her because she brought me through the 12 steps of alcoholics an ominous, which brought me a bridge back to life because I was dying. And I take this disease very, very seriously. My sponsor tells me don't take yourself too seriously. Rule number 62. But this disease I take seriously. And so I went through the steps and she asked me one thing if I'd make her a promise. And she said, would you give to others what was freely given to yourself? And I said, of course. I should have given her money. It would have been easier. I then eventually went to my present home group after a couple of years. I had my ninth year of sobriety and I moved over to the Atlantic group because they had what I wanted and there was a lot of structure. And I got my sponsor, my present sponsor, Myra. And what was going on was that I had the big book up here, but I didn't have it in my heart. You know, I can spew the pages and la-la-la, but, you know, it's coming from the heart. And I started Sponsor of the Women, and my life started to change. You This is an amazing, an amazing program. It's a program that works in rough going. They say that in the book. Life on life's terms, just like the previous speaker said. Life on light's terms. You've got good days and you get bad days. And drinking is not an option today. it is just not an option because if I pick up everything goes everything, there ain't no half measures everything goes I got a really good life today I have a really good life, you know they say beyond your wildest dreams I don't know if it's beyond my wildest dreams, I'm living a lot of my dreams I'm in a really well I should hope, I think it's a good marriage I don' t know, you'll have to ask my husband later on tonight Well, he's sitting at the dais. Of course he's going to say yes. I have obviously the people that showed up for me here tonight. I have true friends in my life. You know, I work in a career that I love, and I try to the best of my ability to be a woman of dignity and honor. It doesn't work all the time, not 100% all the time. I have to kind of be present and this month, and I'll just share with you this month alone. This month was a busy month. It was a busy, busy month right after I got the phone call to say that I was going to speak. My mother has Alzheimer's and her home care worker at night, the nighttime shift said, oh, you have four days notice in four days. I'm having another job. And my first gut reaction was to go down there and fix everything, which I'm powerless and I can't fix everything and I can't control things. So I knew I need to put that on hold and I also was, my husband turned 50 and I was throwing him a surprise birthday party and I was having that in my home for me of 45 people and then I got a job. My agent called me and I'm working and it was just kind of like busy and through all of that a day at a time I get to show up, still make meetings, still call my sponsor, not so perfectly, but still call my sponsors. And on a daily basis, I get to do that. Because first and foremost, I am an alcoholic, and I can't forget that. Not so important that other people know, because I don't share that a lot. But it's important that I know, that I need to do to stay sober. You know, and it was a very busy month. And incorporating in that was speaking here. Right now, you know, there are people in Florida, my mother included, that are sitting in a blackout. And what I wanted to do was go down there. But I can't blow off the speaking commitment. I need to be here. So, you Know, after this, I will be going down there because she's going to be moving on in her life. And they're with me here tonight, my parents. My father, you know, one of the things that I, you know, it says we will not regret the past. I never got to make an eyeball-to-eyeball amends to my father, but I did to his grave, and I said that I would be the daughter to his wife, and I would be the aunt to his granddaughter and the sister, you know, to his sons. You know, and at a date of time, I get to do that, and I get to show up, and this is such an amazing program. We get to show up for others. We get to show up for life, and I can't even begin to tell you where I might be if it wasn't for this program. I think I know because my cousin Marsha is there. In August, my husband and I were at her unveiling, you know, 52 and could not or would not or didn't get the message for whatever reason. Why I'm here and somebody else isn't, I don't know. All I know is what I need to do to stay sober a day at a time. And for that, I am very grateful, very honored And I want to thank you. Thanks so much, Bonnie. I'm very happy you didn't go to Florida. You know? Thank you. And now I'd like to welcome our third speaker, George T., a member of the Saturday Morning Big Book Discussion Group, Brooklyn. Good evening. I'm a grateful alcoholic. My name is George. You know, when I made my first Bill W. dance, I think it was $1. No. It was $25, and I had about less than a year of recovery, sobriety. And I remember saying to myself, I should be up there speaking. Because the old timers allowed you to have a big ego when I came in. They didn't criticize you. So 29 years later, here I am. My higher power said that boy need to get him some humility before I let him get up there. but I like to say to people that are visiting and people that are new this is not alcoholism out there this is recovery if you don't believe me let us all take a drink and the SWAT team would be here in about an hour and a half turning out this hotel we would turn this hotel out believe me what are you looking at me for oh boy When I came to Alcoholic Anonymous back in 1976, I was told to go to a meeting. I remember when I was in the VA hospital, a gentleman came up who had an accent just like my friend Paul over there, and he said we was under a bunch of Vietnam vets, and we was up on the drug ward, the crazy ward, the alcoholic ward, and this guy came in with a suit on looking real nice, and he says, who would like to go to AA? And we were all playing Pinochle. I said, what's he talking about, man? We're in the hospital in a locked ward. The guy said, ah, that's for them sick people. We said, no, no thanks, man. Get out of here. I had no idea. I'll just say a little bit about my drunk-a-log because we all know how to drink. I just didn't know how to stop. I always like to talk about my experience in recovery because I don't blame my character defects on my drinking anymore. How am I going to slap somebody and say, well, I'm an alcoholic and I drank 29 years ago. That's why I slapped you tonight. It doesn't work that way. I came into Alcoholic Anonymous like I said. Let me go back a little bit. I was born in Jersey City and I grew up in the Bronx. Middle child. You know, I used to think, like, if I ran away from home, you know, like they wouldn't miss me. You know, I was ran away. Good, okay, sit down and have something to eat. And I didn't like the fight, so I joined the service. Isn't that amazing? I'm afraid. Let me join the military. But anyway, I put 15 years in the military, and I'm not going to go into all that. But when I came out of the service in 1971, leaving my daughter and her mother due to alcoholism, and I came back here as a civilian. I was crazy as a bed bug, believe me. And I did this like a lot of people say. I didn't know I had an alcohol problem. I had a people problem. I thought it was hate, but it was anger. I had lots of anger. I mean, anger. You know, you walk around the streets. Anyway, it was really a mess. And I remember my mother telling me one day they was all having like a normal breakfast, you know, bacon, eggs. And I had glass of whiskey. And my mother, that's whiskey? Yeah. What's wrong with this woman? Of course it is. But I think the saddest part about being an alcoholic is you don't know you're an alcoholic. I mean, I blame things on everything. That's why when I got to Alcoholic Anonymous in 76, I was told to go to a meeting. The guys, I wanted to get back into this halfway house, and this gentleman said, go to a meeting, and I know I must have surrendered because I wanted, and when I went to AA at that time, everybody dressed us like we're dressed now, see, because sneakers and jeans wasn't hip yet. You know, they couldn't wear sneakers at them times, you know what I'm saying? And jeans, nobody was wearing jeans. Everybody had on suits and stuff. So I went to this meeting, and I didn't know it was an anniversary, but everybody was dressed up, and they drove up in cars. I said, man, this is great. You know, so when everybody stood up, I stood up. When they had cookies, I ate a cookie. You know? They had coffee. I drank coffee. They said the Lord's Prayer. I mumbled something. You know. But I wanted what they had. And this gentleman stood up in front of me and said, my name is Willie F.P., and I'm a grateful alcoholic. So I thought that's how you're supposed to introduce yourself. I couldn't even spell grateful. I didn't know what it meant, but what you said, I said it. And what makes me so grateful about alcohol, and I know we see people with sponsors say, you're not working your program. How could I walk in here after 25 years of drinking and work this program? No way on the planet. The old-timers knew that back then. But, see, I thought I had it. See, I was the guy that would go to your meet and say, if the speaking don't show, I'll speak, okay? and they'd say have a cup of coffee and they tell other guys don't ask that guy to speak let him have some coffee over there for about and see then they'd fool you when you came in Alcoholic Anonymous when I came in old timers would fool you they'd give you that look you'd be dumping stuff and I hate this person and they said don't drink and make meetings and they would never say well I think you should do this they wouldn't tell you that but see then they'd give you a title they'd say we're going to make you chairperson and you'd say something what is that oh you're the chairperson of the group and I belonged to Brooklyn Central at that time in Bedford-Stuyvesant and you know you get it now what you got to do is you come to the meeting set up the coffee set up your table set up their tables see they didn't have the Perkin coffee you're thinking back to the 1800s or something But you poured the coffee in this big pot. Then you had to set the pitchers on each table with a cup in front of everybody. This is about a 175-person meet. Cup in front everybody with a napkin, and the old-timers wouldn't lift a finger to help you. But they taught you if somebody said, can I help you, you had say yes. Now, you know, after setting up all them tables and somebody walks in, do you need any help? You want to say what? But you said, yeah, you can put this cup over there if you want. You don't want no help. And then when you got into the kitchen, it became your kitchen, and you'd kill anybody who came in there. We talk about how kind Alcoholic Anonymous is, which is true. Don't make the coffee in your group one night. And let it be cold. See, alcoholics don't walk into the A.A. meeting and say, have you seen Mary or Barbara? They say, is the coffee ready? That's it. No, the coffee pot, what? Who's making it? And another thing about alcohol canons that I love, I'll get to the pain in a minute, believe me. Is that, you know, pico coffee is a Spanish coffee. You know, it's like espresso. I didn't know it was on sale. So I took the whole can and poured it in the pot. And, you now, I said, boy, this is kind of powdery. And you could put a quart of milk in the cup and it was still black coffee. You know. And you know what they said to me? Good coffee, George. Good cup. And you know the funny part about it is I was extremely angry at him and I mean I stood in the back there growling, you know like really controlled. I got a friend Billy over there who, you now let's show you how this fellow should work. I had five years when he came in and he took me to my first retreat. You know and it was taught to me by the old time, there's quality recovery, not quantity. You know, because I go to a step meeting on Sundays like I was telling Kathy and I have people like got a half hour talking about the step. I say, damn, I didn't know that. I mean, they be talking some heavy steps to me. Let me go back and read my step book. I must have missed something. See, because it's quality recovering. I got a coin that got one year on it and I got silver coin that a friend gave me that got 25 years on it. And you know what they both say the same things to their own self be true. Serenity planted back, unity recovery served. It's not like, oh, the 25 years, this is a different one. You know, we got some heavy stuff on this one, you know. And this gentleman, Mr. George B., he lied to me because he said when I had my 10th year, you see, I was always looking for the big AA, you know, the big, because I knew y'all had something big once you get them two-digit numbers. So in my 10th anniversary, I went up to him. He was like a mentor to me. This was the most spiritual person I ever met. I said, Mr. Bell, I got 10 years. He said, yeah. I says, well. He says, keep doing what you're doing. I say, what? He said don't drink and make meetings. I'm doing that. Keep doing what your doing. In other words, he talked to me like I had two months. Now that I have 29 years, I do what I did in my first 90 days. See, I make coffee at my home group, big book discussion. I go there with another guy named Jack, with our age, but we say we hope somebody young comes down, at least 50 help us with these tables. He's the bagel cutter, I'm the coffee maker. And we don't say nothing to each other. If he goes in the kitchen, I come out here. But we do our service. So that's what I know when I say it all the time, I say I'm going back to basics. But as I'm talking, you know, bridge to life, I was taught by this man, Mr. George B., who passed away with 35 years. He said, if you really want to learn to live and let live, George, he said, you've got to get out of your neighborhood. See, because we're raised in the same neighborhood. Everybody agrees, yeah, right, me too. We eat the same foods, right? Drink the same, right. Everybody says the same thing. And he said go listen to other AAs share their experience at Fenton Hope. So I got on a train and crossed over that Manhattan Bridge in 1979. And this shows how if you're new to AA, boy, you can get freaked out of here, you know. I went into this group that was on 16th Street off 6th Avenue, and this beautiful woman comes up and says, hi, how are you? I said, fine. She said, I'm going to give you my phone number. I said whoa. This is good, you know, because I was still pretty sick. And she said, and this is my husband. I said, what? I said boy, this is a good fellowship. Weird but good. I didn't know they was being friendly. I came in with the thinking I had when I was out there. I didn' t come in. And I followed women. Oh, I'm going to go to that meeting where she's at. People said, they just come here to socialize. No kidding. You take the drink from me, I don' t know how to socialized. I remember going to my first AA dance. Me and this girl, Martha, we was living like in a halfway house together. And here, like out in the street, we were like bad, you know, dancing. We sat up there like this. Then we got up there and danced. We started hyperventilating. Terrified. First day, they danced. You know? Didn't have that booze with me. Couldn't do nothing, you Know? And I remember drinking. You see, when you talk about pain, alcoholics know about some pain. I don't care if you're from Yale, Jail, Park Avenue or Park Bench. We know some pain, boy. We know some pain. I don't care if you're in jeans or a suit. It doesn't matter. I remember like, can you picture this? You're living with somebody as I always did until I got sober. I never had my own mailbox in the hotel. And you're living with these people and you make them believe you sleep. You can't wait till they leave. You're really wide awake and so they finally go to work and you're left alone in an apartment. Nobody there but you, and you're walking around slothly. And don't let the phone ring, you freeze. Then you go to the window and open up, and just put your eyeball out. And somebody looks up, you jump back. Pain, boy, I mean despair. And you wake up and say, I've got to do it again. And then the saddest part is you're getting drunk and you can't get drunk no more. And nobody understands you. So I walked into the fellowship. My higher power sent me to a bunch of people. I could say something like, I ate a fly sandwich one day and somebody in the back would say, thanks for sharing. You really helped me out. I could come into this room and say, I hate all of you. You say, keep coming back. I hate God. Have a cookie. We don't care. Don't drink and make meetings. That's the name of the game. And like Paul and Barney said, you know, just stopping drinking isn't a thing. I'm still working on the second half of the first step. And our lives have become unmanageable. I'm Still Working On It. Every morning I wake up, I pray for the strength to stay sober, to do your will to the best of my ability, not just to do you a will. That's a bunch of baloney. You know, because I read all them spiritual books every morning. As soon as I close them, forgot. But I read them anyway. I say my prayer from habit. I was taught, do it from habit, do it so I pray every morning from habit. I don't want to drink. I'm a terror when I drink, man. You know what I mean? Terror because forget it. I don' t even want to think about it. But I have to keep coming to meetings. So this disease is so powerful. I mean, I've seen a lot of people say, welcome back. But I've been told, I'm not welcome back, but I've seen a whole lot of people who didn't get that. Liz B., who has, I think, 53 years recovery. You know, she, right? Yeah. She has 53 years, and she says, don't keep coming back. She said, stay. I mean, where do I have to go? You know them business meetings we have, right, where everybody wants to kill each other. And here we're all like, we love each other, you know. Hi, babe, married, hug, hug. You know the AA hug, hook, hook. And then we have a business meeting. Who are you? Everybody becomes an exeter. And one day when I was doing this chairperson thing, you know, it was a Super Bowl. And I remember telling the group, we're going to cancel the business meeting tonight because of the Super Bowl, and them old-timers sat back there real quiet. We can't do that, George. My head spun around like, who are you? I quit. I'm leaving. And you ever, like, walk and don't have nowhere to go? and they would say okay George you know they wouldn't yell at you see the old timers loved you man they loved you too you could love yourself no criticism if you thought she was on step 98 they let you stay there I'm on step 98 I don't know okay Judas don't drink and make me see because they know you didn't know nothing they knew you didn' t know anything and they gave you time to realize you didn''t know nothing like I told you the criticism I had about I should be up there speaking and I didn't know what I was talking about see but I read the books so I read all the literature and I had it and that helped me to take your inventory but I'll tell you one of the greatest gifts I heard a woman say one day if she didn't have character defects she wouldn't make meetings and that's true for me my character defects stop me from judging you See, I don't care what I see you doing. I say, man, I've done that better, you know, or I've gone at worse. No criticism. Now, that didn't happen in the beginning, see. I'll criticize every year. And I remember one time we had a second. Do you ever have somebody in your group you can't stand? As soon as they walk in the room, you get that knot in your stomach. I call it the relationship knot, you knows, like, oh, reject it again, you know. But anyway, we had this secretary and this guy couldn't stand him, man. And one day I walked up to him and I said, I'm sorry for what I was thinking about you. He said, what are you talking about? I said please just accept my apology. And then I'm going to stop with this. I didn't get a sponsor for five years not because I thought I didn' t need one. I felt no pain. See, I come in with a lot of walls around me. And when I heard you talk about your failings, I'd say this to myself. I said, they just ain't working the program. They're not doing like I'm doing it. So I felt no pain. And then one day I was seeing this woman, and we was going to the movies every year. You know how, you know, like an A, if you go out for coffee, you're going to get married in your mind? You say, do I have to go to coffee? This is the one. I'm in love again, you now. We're going be married in three weeks. Have the house in the country. All they said was, let's go to Coffee. But you know how we project. So I met this woman and I was madly in love with her. You know, I've met her about a half hour ago. And I said, would you like to go to the movie? She said, well, no, I'm going with somebody else. And something in my stomach said, er? I said what the heck is that? I didn't know what it was. It was a feeling. I didn' t know. Then I asked her the next week. She said well, now I'm into something else. What my higher power did, he said, now it's time for this fool to get a sponsor. And this gentleman was coming to this meeting. I was at my sponsor, Richard H., and I thought he was the janitor in this church because he had all these keys, you know. And I didn't know he was a priest because I was anti-religion, you know. And the secretary said, George, your father H. called you. I said, who? He said, that's Richard, man. I said hey, Richard, she called your father. And he said, ha, ha. So I went to the group that night. They said, is he a priest? So anyway, I asked him to be my sponsor. And he was the greatest guy. See, I was so rigid. And this is why, like Billy will tell you over there, I'm the lousiest sponsor in the world I have because I don't go to coffee with you. I don' t go to dinner. Don' t talk to you too much on the phone. I'd say, did you drink? See you at the meeting. Bye. That's how I was treated. See, that's how you get what you need. I think we all get what we need. See, I had the sponsor I'd meet every Thursday and Richard and I would talk. Now, if I walked out of his office with pain, I wouldn't have told him about it until next Thursday. So doing the fifth step, I just like to say this because he said, I said, Richard, I'm really out there, man. I know nobody that has these problems that I have. I was extremely promiscuous and in pain. I said the women are coming out the wall at me. He said, you're pulling them out. I said no, I am not. He said all right, do a fifth step on it. So I did a nine-page fifth step one. mailed it to him in the mail with no return address, and then had him read it. So that's how I had to do it. Then he said, maybe you better go to SA. But when I went to SA, everybody was there from AA. So I came back to AA. I said, the heck with that, man. But that's a true story. That's real. The thing I'm trying to say is if you're new, if you'RE coming back, this fellowship works. If you don't believe me, look around you. The people here, they're not here like, and they know what the movie's going to be. See, we go to an A&B, we know whatthe movie'sgoingtobe. My brother asked me one day, he said, do you still go to those meetings? I said, yeah. Okay. You know, and my mother one time cooked a big sweet potato pot, and she put rum flavor in it, and she said, don't give George that. Give him this over here. I don't want to be responsible for him drinking. and if you knew this is my opinion then I'd have to close with this. I don't keep alcohol in my house. See, this is for me. Recovering crack addicts don't eat crack in the house. Well, maybe maybe company will come over this week and want some crack, you know. A heroin addict don't say well, a little heroin for them when they come over on the weekend, you know, maybe hit it a little bit, you know see, I'm like this is from me now because if I had a bottle of alcohol and put it behind the cornflakes One morning I may wake up at 3 o'clock and say, I think I'll get a bowl of cornflakes. You know? And I'm going to share this instead. A woman came over to my house one time, and she was beautiful, man. And she had this bag in her hand. And then she took a bottle of wine out the bag. I didn't even look at her. I was like... I said, don't bring no more booze in this house. See, I'm an alcoholic. I don't cook with alcohol. Oh, it'll burn off after 100 degrees. Not me. Hell, I want to drink something with my poison. I mean, who's that woman, Snow White? You think she'd eat another apple? No way, man. No way. Poison. See? That's poison. Alcohol is poison to me. I didn't go into the liquor store and say, let me have a bottle of poison, please. You're the top one, top show. Alcohol whipped me bad, very bad. And you wouldn't be here if it didn't whip you. You know, I'm extremely grateful for alcohol, and I'm honored. This bridge back to life, every Sunday I go over that Manhattan Bridge or the Brooklyn Bridge or Williamsburg. And if my car ain't running, the L train, which isn't working now, but we'll work something out. But see, Alcohol Anonymous saved my life. It gave me my daughter. My son over there has never seen me drink. It gave Me Friends. I got my sister over there. I'm just going to say this. My sister Thelma over there, I went by her. I was looking bad one day. It shows you alcohol. And I was like shaking and stuff. I was feeling bad. and I called her at her job and said, down my nigga, shoot off. And she came out and gave me an envelope and I was like shaking and I opened it up with $15 and I straightened up, got me a pack of cigarettes and a pint, free again. I was happy because I knew I had that taste. It was like I hit the lottery for $50 million because I had that drink in my hand. Today I don't have to do that and if nobody told you they love you today, I love you and thank you very much. Thank you.