Surrendering the Need to Understand Why the Program Works — Jim W.

If I say anything now I'll mess it up won't I? Well I'll just drink a little water and then we'll go on and eat some ice cream and forget the whole damn thing. You heard how great I am so what the hell? I'm gonna sit down cause when I stand up I pass out. I used to pass out and now I've learned how to do it sober. Scares the hell out of people when I do that. I'm gonna sit down cause when I stand up I pass out. I used to pass out and now I've learned how to do it sober. I'll bet you this, I'll tell you why we've got this. Dick Martins. What do you think? Is it on or off or are we here? That doesn't make a difference what the hell. Nobody listen anyway we just got to wait for the day. We're gonna dance tomorrow night. Only reason we came. I know and you know but we don't say that. We act like we're... Don't tell, take that sign down when David talks. The Jew you know. He's the saint. You got... Right? God's chosen. I'll question some of that but what the hell. I'll question some of that but what the hell. I've questioned God a lot haven't you? Came back. Well hell, got to feeling bad. See that'll do it every time. Get guilty. Well we better pray. Not for you but for me. One moment please with me. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray. Amen. Were you through? Usually when you just almost get through to him to tell him. Somebody says, that's enough. I'm Jim Williams and I'm an alcoholic. What's that deal where you gotta have sex all the time? Codependency! Well, what's that deal? I nowhere. Oh, no. God, don't you love that deal? They said, yeah. I said, yeah, yeah, I'm codependent. Love it, love it, love it, love it, love it. Well, they got groups now where you don't need to be. I said, I don't want to go to that group. I want to keep that as long as I can. I'm getting older and I'm getting scared. You can't tell. Couldn't quit any time. I don't want to end up with just thoughts. Can you imagine us? Here we are. We're brilliant people. Wonderful. We're the son bitches that want to run our lives. We go to Hazleton. Tell them how we are. They write it down, put it in a book, and we buy it because we identify with it. We're the greatest. That's pitiful. Codependent? Yeah. We'll be any damn thing but what we are. Never. We're the greatest. God has a reason we love each other so much. Insanity was the perfect word for us. But we're not the kind that they think we are. We're the kind they can't figure out how in the hell we are. So we've got them. Don't worry about them ever figuring it out. They'll never figure this out. We appear to be, but we're not. Everything we do proves it, but we're still not. I love it, and I like it. I'm in a group that nobody's like. Nobody's like us. Nobody would even touch being like us. A lot of people don't enjoy destroying themselves like we do. A lot of people don't like to be depressed. They're missing half their life. I love, don't you love it? Especially when things are going good. Because they said, how in the hell could he be depressed with things going that way? Well, just thought I would that day. How do you do that? Nobody knows how we do it. How can you appear that you're a manic depressant? We have the secret, but we're not going to tell you. How can you just go insane in a red light? Get up in the morning. Everything's great. Go in the bathroom. Think a little. Come out. Day is gone. We don't need anybody to entertain us. We're with ourselves. We have two or three different lives every day. What the hell? Try to live one day at a time. Hell, we can't make a half. Love it. Love it. Love it. Would you want to be anybody else? Hell, no. I like to be somebody nobody ever knows. Including me. God, I'm the last one that wants to find out. What if you knew? Suicide, baby. And that deal, now they got the deal where it's your parents' fault. No wonder you're here. They raised you to get an Alcoholics Anonymous. They thought my folks, my folks weren't like that. My folks did not raise me to be an alcoholic. A lot of folks did. They've got groups now where the folks that raised them to be an alcoholic. They call them ACA something. What is that? ACOA? Who? ACOA. Oh, yeah. Grab some of that for you, folks. That'll help you. Well, hell, there's a few getting their eighth in there. So however you get here, don't make a deal. But my folks raised me. I raised them to be a Southern, Southern, Southern Baptist. Now, we're the real ones. We're the ones that pray for the Catholics. They drink, you know. And the guys are standing up there just like me every Sunday. If you think it, you might as well have done it. Hell, I knew I must be thinking it before I even knew what it was. But I knew I must be thinking it. And you know, Southern Baptists, we really, if you're not Southern Baptist, you really haven't got a shot at it. You know, Episcopalians, they just got tired of being Catholic. And Presbyterians, they knew it was going to happen. And Methodists, they just didn't like water. I think I'd like to have been a Lutheran. They believe in doing everything just a little bit. I was raised a little old. In Texas, you've got 254 counties. And at that time, about four or five of them were wet, which means you could buy alcohol. But in the rest of them, they were dry. They didn't do nothing. They had a hard time having children. They didn't allow them to dance because it was holding a woman. Well, you had that a hard time before you knew you could mail it, you know. If they could have mailed it, they never would have touched a woman until yet, in my opinion. And I was raised in this little old town with this little old Baptist church. Got to be about 13, which will happen to you if you do what I was doing one day at a time. And one day after. I got in the car with this girl. We kind of drove out of the country, which wasn't too hard to get out of the country where I live. And we got to messing around. I got those funny feelings. And I told them about it. We've been meaning to talk to you. See, I knew that. You know we've been praying for you. Yeah, I know you've been praying for me. What those Southern Baptists do, you know, it's not like AA. They think, they see that gleam in your eye. They say, uh-oh, getting ready to think it. If he thinks he does it, we'll lose him. So they hone in on you. You know, AA says, well. But so Don landed this last night. If he lives, we'll get him. Finally, what I told him about this guy, I said, what you need to do is get saved. I said, what from? Haven't done nothing. He said, before the funeral service, you meet us and we're going to. They got back in that room and got back down there and got down on their knees. They just prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Then they said, now when you, when they sing that last stanza, you come down that aisle and you get saved. And sure enough, my throat hurt. But thank God I sang the last stanza and I came down that aisle. It was kind of like AA except they didn't give out any chips. They hugged you and kissed you and tell you how great you are. And of course, you know you're not, but hell, I liked it. Then they throw you in the tank and the hanks your fleece and you choke a little bit. You come out all right. Went to school the next day and saw that girl. Came right back. I said, well, we're going to have to do it again. It didn't take. They said, no, you just don't do it. Well, they didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. I didn't know. I didn't know how to don't do anything. I said, well, how do you don't do it? Don't think about it. I said, I wonder why I didn't think about that. I thought, well, it's only two o'clock after and I'll just go ahead and think about it. Then tomorrow when I get up, hell, I won't think about it anymore. Got up the next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about it before in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of guy when I start not to do something, I'm going to do it all the time. And when I start not to think about it. That's all I'm going to think about. I used to try to wake up real quick before I thought about it. Finally got out of high school. I had to go to summer school to get out of high school. I don't think I was so dumb. I just was always busy. I heard about this little town 30 miles away that was wild and wicked. Had honky tonks. And I told this boy on Saturday, I asked if I knew you could do it during the week. We slipped over there and opened the door of that honky tonk. And my God, there was that deacon I'd seen all my life. With the warm girl in one hand, the cold beer in the other. I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us. And we didn't even get to do it. You know, if you get caught before you do it, you ought to forget it. This guy said, well, he can't tell anybody. I said, hey, you got a better shot with Jesus than you and I do. However, he was happier than I'd ever seen him. And I liked the girl he was with on Saturday night a lot better than the one he was with on Sunday morning. I used to see him every Sunday morning, and I thought, you know, hell, I thought deacons were just sad. Now I know, hell, he's just tired. We had two beers. Didn't taste good. Didn't feel good. I was glad to get out there. He didn't even see me. Next morning. I wanted to go to church first time, and I could never want to go. I said, maybe you get old enough. You won't have to go. There he was, sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. God, I couldn't wait to tell my buddy. Next Saturday, we're going to go back. Had a big town. Had two joints. With that other joint. Didn't see a deacon I knew. Did everything. I'd have committed adultery. But I didn't know much about it. And you know how we are. Think about it all day long. Drink a beer and forget it. And if we do, we don't remember whether we did or not. I learned how to drink. Didn't even know I knew how. You just drink one beer right after the other. Get feelings good. Can't feel at all. Learned how to dance. First time, fell down the dance floor. Broke my nose. Did it five times after I learned how to do it. Blacked out. Waked up the next morning. Threw up just like I've been doing it for years. That guy called. Said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh. But you had a great time. I said, oh, well. Then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get drunk. Black out. Wake up the next morning. Throw up. Then you know you had a good time. Did not know you drank it any other way. I thought people who didn't drink like I drank didn't drink. They even put umbrellas in them now. I guess they're afraid the rainwater will get in there. They were putting fruit in some of those drinks. Before they drank it. They were putting fruit in some of those drinks. Before I quit drinking. Not mine. Because, you know, too much acid is not good for you. I was over at this little old town. Trying to put off drinking as long as I could. And so I just walked. I walked by this post office. And there was a sign out there that said, we need you. I walked in there and they did. They said, have you ever been to California? And I said, no. I haven't been but 30 miles away from home. We're going tomorrow. I said, what did I have to do? They said, your sign right here. The only thing I knew, I would always go with kids places. I didn't want to go so they'd like me better. But they never liked me enough. Never got the right girl. Always got the one I wanted to get. Some other guy got her. And my folks would say things like, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. Already done it once. Getting ready to do it again. One thing they said, one thing that really gave me was that Jimmy wouldn't be caught dead doing that. Wouldn't he be awful? Would he be caught dead doing that? Everything they knew I wanted to do, I didn't want to do. Everything they knew I wouldn't get caught dead doing, I wanted to do. I went back home and told the folks, I said, I'm going to California tomorrow. They said, how are you going to go? You don't have any money. I said, I'm going to the Air Force. We're leaving tomorrow. Well, they looked at me funny but they let me go. And I went back down there all excited about it. I heard about California and Hollywood and all that stuff. We went sand tone. That outfit really operates one day at a time. And they're funny much. They got up in the middle of the night real quick, made their bed real quick like somebody's coming. Never did. Then they wanted to go eat. My God, it's still dark. If you haven't been drunk, get sick, eat that time of day. Then they're always scared because they walked in groups. Whoever it was that was running our outfit decided we ought to take a surprise trip. And the way they walked in the group, they were scared. They were running our outfit. And the way they do that, we're not going to tell you where we're going so you can't tell anybody and nobody will know. Whoever's running our outfit decided we ought to go to China. And we're in the Air Force so we go to China by boat. I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. Oh. They have a few hills and trees and a little rice, but they mainly just make Chinese. They like it and they're good at it and they're not interested in doing anything else. They just like to make Chinese. In fact, they lose some, but they're making so damn many that it doesn't make any difference. Well, after you're over there about three weeks, you've seen all the Chinese you'll ever need to see. So I told them I was ready to come back home. We stayed two years. Then we came back by boat. And my folks said, where are you going to school? I said, I'm not going to school. Wouldn't be caught dead going to school. Hate school. Couldn't get out of school and went to school. If you don't have that piece of paper, you won't be able to apply for a job, let alone get one. Every person coming out of that service is going to get that piece of paper. Well, I proved my folks wrong. I gutted that thing straight through three and a half years, got that piece of paper, made sure that I didn't learn one damn thing. I made sure that every course that I took, I was going to pass it before I took it, and that it wouldn't benefit a human being whatsoever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length, even if it destroys us, just to be right. You know, for real. We're saying like, I forced Lucille to go to school here and this was a total mess. And I thought, you know, I think we've been Terri's teacher for two or three years. Can Iしい. Unless you have a Skype call. Oh, you're a knew history teacher. Don't should be excited about that. Give me the department number. Yeah, really? disclosure. Yes sir. Thank you. voz. achin expand. Stranger. Every time I don't know where I learned how to do that I'd see some guys they just go one girl one night one girl next week a different girl all the time You're not supposed to do that You're supposed to make sure that you've got a girl that you can be in love with One that you could take home and show your folks to because she'll just go with any girl Got to be something there The only thing wrong with being the way that I was is that walking around in love with no girl Take me about two months to find that precious sick little thing Then we'd be so much in love in about two months. I'd almost have to quit work And then of course they just deteriorate from there on out when I got the a I thought god This is the greatest place that I have ever been first time I'd ever been in a place like that I've never been to I've never been to a place like that I've never been to a place like that I've never been where they had the sick women group And I like both kinds I like the ones that got sick doing it the ones that got sick watching him do it Every place that I worked they wanted me to go to work on Monday My flu day I know I'd rather flu on Thursday have it on Monday For some reason evidently God wanted to make sure that we saw that all businesses operated properly and treated everybody include me properly It's amazing that some of those businesses that fired me and they're doing it wrong and still operating It's unbelievable finally got out of a job couldn't get won and the way I look for jobs I'd get up every morning, I'd throw up, I'd spray. Then I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you personal questions like, where have you worked the last 10 years? It's none of their damn business. They even want to know where you lived. I like to move around some. People where I live like for me to move around some. How are you going to remember all those addresses? And the rest of blanks you've got to figure out, wonder what they'd like for me to say. You don't know them too well, you know. Then the interview lasts five minutes, you get all out and go get drunk and just do that one day at a time. I saved this one place because I knew I'd qualify for the job. I knew they had an opening, and I knew a guy that worked there, and I knew he'd help me get the job. The moment I walked in there, here's the guy there, then here's my buddy. And before I even got to talk to the guy, he said, you don't want this job. Yeah, I want the job. I need the job. I got to have the job. Everybody said everybody knew I didn't want there. It was always the opposite. I knew one thing. There was something about me he wanted to tell me, but he didn't know how to do it. I also knew they were going to like it better when I left. So I went out and got drunk, wake up the next morning, threw up, and I said, you know, I've been doing this for about 10 days. I think I'll just take the day off. Went out the golf course, they had no leg, no piece of toast, walked around the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, the, you know, walked around to my beer joint where my last spiritual advisor worked. And he said, my God, drink this beer. I said, what's wrong? He said, man, I don't want anybody having DTs out here. Drink that beer. I said, well, I'm Baptist. We don't drink for noon. That's 1030. He said, drink the beer. I drank half of it and sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying if I don't lose my concentration. Start thinking about women or something. It gets your nose burns. Then you got to drink the rest of the day just to kill the pain. And I don't meditate this deeply anymore. It's just when it's me, God in the commode and it's stringy. You don't know where the end is. This is an after dinner talk. You don't know where the end is and you can't breathe because you'll get it all back. So you don't know whether you're going to stay in. And when you meditate that deeply, you know, it's tiring. Even the hot summertime. You lean over there and that bowl would be always just as cool. I tell that guy, I said, I think I better go home and lie down. Thank you. If I, I really coming down was something. I didn't get to use those vibrators in motel for two years after I sober, cause I'll use this vibrator all by itself. And I'm supposed to call on hospitals. I supposed to get up for morning and get up. neurotic grandchildren and gloim aquato. Get up and go to. morphologist Cathy đã lại chlasting sự si y học rồi tôi có được n Türk Sương Marcel của bảng Bộavais BSc'ang bởi một思 PUCS hội vi дела Vì Vung Riang Intelidearsh factory y selected concepts y Millionenari diomahani국 kurs 재أن reclipta rhymes,üş prophecy temple Maaf será hotelscht Sharp of I'm supposed to get up the morning and get up and goto, I get that car and I say God I hate to go to that old hospital it's hard time to find a parking place finally get a parking place got to take that kit go through the lobby down through the basement wind around there go to that purchasing agent you know he's not going to buy anything anyway see you don't even have to park just drive right on by wait till 10 30 go to the beer joint said didn't sell anything getting day I went home and I got in the living room and I called all the Jim Williams's together and we decided I was living in Houston then what I need to do is commit suicide and they'll read in the Houston Chronicle Jimmy Williams commits suicide and they'll never get over it they'll know that when they didn't hire me they'll never get over it but I didn't know how to do it now I see it on television now all the time suicide call that number they've probably got a group or pamphlets softer easier ways or join our group we're losing some but we're gaining all the time I didn't like guns because they make noise I don't like noise of morning razor blades were popular then but I didn't know how to do it the only thing that ever say in the paper was cut his wrists with a razor blade what kind of blade straight edge which wrist got to which way do you cut it cross or that nobody to call had it on my own I knew you couldn't do it the living room you get blood all over the carpet and I'm always thinking of others so I went to the bathroom got hold of a laser blade I had sister no what did you cut the left through left side of die right side be alive what did you cut the left side of die right side be alive what did you cut the left side of die right side be alive what if you backed out half dead and half live so I cut both wrists which I thought was clever and I'm just sitting there listening to the drip thinking about those guys are going to worry about it for the rest of their days and the phone rang now I thought what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was call that'd be enough to run you crazy I thought the first thing that's gonna you're gonna go to the doctor and they'll call you and they'll say my name is so-and-so so I got a So I put a band-aid on the wrist right quick. Answered the phone. It was the police. You know, police have been trained by ministers. They'll stop you about three o'clock in the morning, and they'll say, come go along with me. I said, I'm sorry, I can't go, man. I've got to get home. I'm supposed to be home seven o'clock. It's three now. I have got to get home. Then they have personality change. I've never talked to one yet, didn't. Then they say, get out of the car. I said, by God, I'm not going to do it. Then they really go nuts, and you have to pacify them and go along with them. Guy said, where were you last night? I said, I was right here. He said, no, you wasn't. I said, how do you know? He said, we was there. Then I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned, don't you ever talk to anybody that knows more about where you've been than you did. Were you meaning I just had five more minutes when you did that? Okay. You never know about Dick Martin. Now I wonder where I was. Do you have any idea? You weren't listening either, were you? What happened? The police arrested me? What did I do? What did I do? After that? Well, I've lost it. What do you think we ought to do? Oh my God. I have no idea. I have no idea where I am. I think it's greatest. I'm certainly glad I'm with you all and we're inside. I'm with you all. I'm with you all. I'm with you all. I'm with you all. And it's, we're not out there in the cold weather. I'm glad the ozone is not working. Anybody know where I am? I know I've been bleeding. Oh, and the police called and the guy says, I said, what do you want me to do? Thank you very much. Whoever you are. One person was listening. Yeah. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. If it was obvious I wasn't and nobody else was. So I said, well, what do you want me to do? And he said, well, we can either come down there. You can either come down here. We'll come out there and get you. And I said, I'll be right there. And he said, I'm going to tell you one thing. You better bring you an attorney because you're in trouble, brother. So I had another meeting. God, I love to live with me. I can live a week and a half a day. I live a hell of a day. Went out to the golf course, threw up all over the golf course, come back home, had an emergency meeting, committed suicide. Now I've got to call another damn meeting. And so, only 11 o'clock. I've had, I've got $36, which at that time was plenty to start a new career, and I decided what I think the Lord is telling me to do is leave town, so I just threw all dirty clothes, clean clothes, had a few old sheets and blankets, and had one piece of furniture, an old lamp, had the stuff leveled up, and I put the old lamp, lampshade on top of that, I guess I was going to carry the light if I could find the plug, and took off. Stopped by and got a pint of bourbon just in case. Waked up, excuse me, waked up the next morning in an old town named Brownwood with seven dollars, and I said, wonder how my folks are getting along. It's amazing when you can tell when it's time to call home, so I called them collect so they'd know it was me, and they said, well, what are you doing in Brownwood? I said, oh, out riding around. Why don't you come by for a cup of coffee? I said, oh, I believe we will. I never shortchange my folks. They're not going to get their money back, so I just went in there and gave them my very finest story. In fact, I got to listening to it. It was so horrible, hell, I cried with them. I thought, my God, if I'd known it was that bad, I'd left Houston three years earlier. Old John said, well, Jimmy's honest. He didn't even have 100, but 107, you can almost go into business. I knew I had to sweat that night out, and I could not sleep, so I just went in that bedroom, closed that door, and walked and lay down, walked and lay down until finally daylight came, and I got up and started to walk out of there, and my aunt was already up, and I said, I want to tell you one thing that I left out in my story last night about all those problems I had in Houston. I was drinking some, but I decided last night I shall not. I said, well, I'll never drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about my being underfinanced ever again. You will just not have to worry about me ever again. My aunt looks at me funny with no answer. After I got there, I went back up there. I said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? She said, well, I think I remember. I turned around to John when you drove off and said, what do you think? He said, he's 33. We'll never see him again. I said, well, I'm rich. I've got no place to go, and I've got all the stuff with me. I remembered I'd help a guy get a job in the real Grand Valley, and I said, I understand they've got palm trees down there. I'm going to go down there and see what's happening. Just right down there, you know. Ten and a half hours was all, but I stopped at a Philly station right out of Fort Worth, said, how far is Waco? 79 miles. Let me have three, and I end up down there, and I'm assuming the guy's going to invite me to his house. Did not. I didn't know how to do it. I was sitting there, and I was thinking, why did you have to do this? And I said, I'm going to go down there and see what's happening, and I said, I'll take a three weeks, never took my clothes out of the car. Every morning, I'd get up, come down that old rickety elevator, go across the street, get my shorts, socks, shirts, go back up, take a shower. Did that every morning for three weeks, and they finally hired me where he worked, and he was leaving. Now, they didn't hire me because they wanted me. They don't hire you. If you're breathing pretty good, they'll hire you because nobody goes to the valley looking for jobs. People come out of the Midwest down there in the wintertime. Some of us stay up here. The rest of them go down there, or they go down there playing. Well, I got that job, and my time is, when I finally, when I get a new job, I could just, I'd work seven days a week. Just get drunk and not drunk drunk until I got up to my place. Had somebody in my place, took me three months to get that guy fired. You know, we know what to do. It's just getting people to do it. And my days are like this. I'd get up, work Monday through Saturday noon, and I'd go to my place. jump in the car, go down to run to the golf course, have a heavy lunch like a six-pack of the cheese cracker, get drunk, black out, be back home in bed 6.30, quarter to 7, get up 10.30, quarter to 11, go down to my beer joint, close it, and then that's when they close at 1 o'clock. We'd go on over to Madame Morris, whoever my friends were at the time, and spend the rest of the evening. And when daylight came, maybe we'd eat a little waivers, run chairs, and throw it up, or maybe we'd just skip it, drink a little beer Sunday, tape off in the bunion, sometimes I'd make it, sometimes I'd miss it. I decided that when I would lose a woman, I'm walking around two or three months, awkward, trying to find that precious sick little thing. What I need to do is have a number one and a spare. Now that's hard to do when you're drinking. Because even when you've got number one, you'll call her about 10 or 11 o'clock, if you're not doing anything, they're going to pick you up about 7.30. Good. Might be four or five days before you get by there. So one weekend, I'm off on Saturday, so I'm blacking out over at number one's house one Friday night, about 11 o'clock, and evidently I'd never mention number two. And sometimes we're just too honest for folks, they can't handle it. So I told her, I said, just mentioned, I thought I might drop by and see number two on the way home. And that's the first she'd heard about it. I said, but I want to go to the bathroom first, and evidently she wanted to talk to me right then about it. So she followed me to the bathroom, bad place to have a meeting. That's the reason they're putting carpets in there. But still, commode, lavatory, bathtub, hard, hard, hard surface. You need to stay out there where you've got couches and beds and carpet. Don't get in the damn bathroom. I don't remember how it happened. I'm living in an old faded green trailer in an alley behind the motel. I had the rock yards a long time before they started putting them in. You see those weeds come up there and say, you'll never make it. I'm laying there in bed asleep, and something goes, wham, got it. Jumped up, looked down there and had my clothes on and everything. I said, oh, my God, I bet I was supposed to go somewhere early this morning. Looked down at an old white shirt and had blood all over it. Blood makes me sick, you know. And God, they kept beating on that door. Those trailers only got one door, and you get in the windows about like that, you cannot get out the other side. I fell to my head, had four big knots on it. I wrecked my car. That's the police. I have wrecked my car. They kept beating on the door, and I'm in total fright. See, I've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed, let alone somewhere else. So finally opened that door, and it said 6'4", 240-pound Baptist preacher said, come go along with me. I said, preacher, I know I look like I'm ready, but I'm not ready. I don't know where the meeting is. I know I'm just not ready. I can't make it. I cannot make the meeting. He said, get in the car. God, they talk to you like a dog. I said, I'm going to have to have a beer. I have got to have a beer, preacher. I have got to have a beer. I've got to have one. There'll be no drinking before the meeting. God, he takes off in that car. I go in total fright, and I said, preacher, I'm not breathing. Preacher, I am not breathing. Preacher, I'm not breathing. Preacher, you're going to have to stop the car. I am not breathing. Do you know Baptist preachers don't give a damn whether you can breathe or not? Drove up in front of her house, so I assume by that, the meeting's going to be at her house. Head is killing me. I've got four knots that big on my, it's all knots. Got a little blood left. And I walked in there, and she did look like she might have fallen in the bush or something. So they start the meeting, whatever it was going on. I don't remember one word. And I said, I've got to go to the bathroom. I went in that bathroom, looked in that mirror, and I'm going to tell you something. She won. I'll never know what really happened, but what I really think happened, I lost my equilibrium, fell in that bathtub, and she, she stomped me. Two weeks later we got married. Laughter We got married in the First Baptist Church, so it worked. Where we got married at 10 o'clock in the morning, so there'd be no drinking for the funeral, uh, ceremony. Laughter I told her that since she had been married before, and I was pure, Laughter Laughter that it wouldn't be necessary for us to invite a lot of people, but she could invite a few of her close friends. Well, about 11 o'clock, I'm up Friday night, blacking out, so I start calling my friends, and they said I quit around 3. When I get to the church, my best beer distributor golf friend walks out of that church and stops me on the yard lawn and said, Listen, you called me at a quarter of 3 this morning. We're not here to see you get married. We're here because none of us believe it. He said, I'm going to tell you, and you better think about getting back in that car. The longest bet on your marriage is three weeks, but I showed him. I hung it in there for eight years, but my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. Every morning I'd get up, and I'd say, I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag in the morning. So I'd grab those cigarettes, grab that coffee, go in that bathroom, lock that door, and she'd tell me what I was through that door. Then I'd have to get upset, go make the living, get drunk, come on, tell her what she was. We did that one day at a time. Finally, one day I went back to that preacher, and I said, Preacher, this thing is not working. He said, You know what's wrong with you? You're missing the beauty of life. I said, Yeah. He said, Do you know the fruit trees are in bloom? I said, No. What you need to do is go get your wife, and get in the car, and drive up the valley, and smell the aroma, and look at the blossoms. I said, Yeah. Got in the car, went out the door, and said, Get in the car! He said, What for? I said, We're going to go look at the blossoms. He said, The blossoms? I said, Yeah, we're missing the whole damn thing. He says, Did you try to find the ones that fell? Why don't you go your way? He says, I didn't see them in the Jungle of Time. I said, The mints are in bloom too. Why are there no mints? And he said, The mints didn't do any damage. I said, And why didn't they yellow theeland? I said, You've got to get them in some fairgrounds over there. Why wouldn't you go and look around for them? You can buy one at the блbridge istedi careful space. It's like something not moving with you. There is no way you could do that. Did he say, What do you mean that you did? I said, I didn't do nothing at the бл Catholics caregiver. I said, I just heard him say you should do. So he offered me a job and took him about six weeks to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas. Now he shipped me to Fort Stockton because he said I need to learn the drug business. He shipped me out there because nobody else would go. At that time there's 536 people live there. 36 of them were making a living. So I joined the 500. You can see little trees about that high. You can see California on a clear day. Y'all have ruined the drug business. I'm supposed to stand in a drug store with a pad that's got lines on it and the pharmacy calls these names out, R.L. Morrison, and I'm supposed to write it in there. Well, you can't do that moving. You just can't do it. And I kept doing it. He kept calling it out. He said, my God, you look like you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. Any minute. He said, well, take some of these. Nothing. Just Librium. One Valium hadn't even got on the scene. Librium was just nothing. A little two-tone green and black, two-tone green. Nothing to them. Absolutely nothing. I took two of them. Waited 15 or 20 seconds. Nothing happened. I'm used to something moving, burning, doing something. Didn't do nothing. So I took three more. And then my knees just go, huh. I said, God. I know how to weave. Now I've got to learn new stance. So I took Librium Daytime. It used to tickle me. The guy said, got them for nothing. He just gave them to me. He said, you know, they've ruined the drug business. They just ruined it. And he used to say, Jim, I'm a little short of 10 milligrams. Twenty-five will be okay? It'll be fine. See, they don't know we don't go by milligrams. We just go by size. So I took Librium Daytime, drank beer at night, had one decision to make every night. I said, I'm going to take a little bit of that. I said, I'm going to take a little bit of that. I said, I'm going to take a little bit of that. Jim, I'm a little short of 10 milligrams. Twenty-five will be okay? It'll be fine. See, they don't know we don't go by milligrams. We just go by size. So I took Librium Daytime, drank beer at night, had one decision to make every night. After the third beer, am I going to close the joint or am I going to go home early? If I'm going home early, I'll go get a pint of bourbon, put it on top of those three beers and that Librium, and go home like you're supposed to go home. My perfect evening is when I blacked out right at the door. I'm going to go home early. I'm going to go home early. I'm going to go home early. I'm going to go home early. I'm going to go home early. I'm going to go home early. I'm going to go home early. If I'm going home early, I'll go get a pint of bourbon, put it on top of those three beers and that Librium, and go home like you're supposed to go home. My perfect evening is when I blacked out right at the door. Sometimes it was a little early. Occasionally, I was a little late. Had to have one more, but I was a blackout drinker, good blackout driver. Never had a wreck blacked out. Bad drunk driver. I could hit stuff at certain stages, but I never had a wreck blacked out. I had to be a good drunk driver. I could hit a lot of stuff. I could hit a lot of stuff. I could hit a lot of stuff. I could hit a lot of stuff. I could hit a lot of stuff. I could hit a lot of stuff. I had to rock Turury out of this party we were now pretty safe because we had developed such a nice sweet deep hate for one another that the one that died first won so we I ended up none of my new customers saw me drunk until the day before Christmas Eve 1965 I played golf with these guys in administrators and their in-laws we had two foursomes and I got a little too hospitable and I blacked out right at the end of the golf course they took me over to meet all the friends and all that kind of stuff but I drove from one side of Houston the other blacked out that's nothing new for me nothing new and what I would always do when I was somebody's house I'd call back the next day and say I sure am sorry about last night I'm not sorry about last night I want them to tell me what I did they never tell you the only thing they would tell me said it was okay Jim you just got drunk drunk was getting to be a bad name for me we had one drunk in that little old town I was raised in named old Bratch and they called him the drunk and he slept downtown and drank that wine and drunk the name drunk finally identified with me I guess I heard on radio that next morning or what's-her-name and gone next door that's getting ready to have a Christmas Eve party and I picked up phone called in a group must turn on radio reading I like to see places that have any groups and the gal act like she's glad I called I should have known then I had the wrong number she said somebody be right out well I waited damn Aaron nobody showed up looked in the icebox had three beers I said I'll just call him back tell him I don't need him but got who it was a call about that time the phone rang guy said I'm running late I'll be there just a minute for can tell him I didn't need him he hung up and I thought well I'll just get rid of it he came by himself because his wife they'd moved to another complex but his wife was managing these apartments when we moved in and he used to watch me going back and forth from 7-eleven saying he lives we'll get him I looked out the window little short guy with a pointed nose the book under his arm I said oh my god we're gonna read that book and pray I've not only been baptized I've been rededicated ten times I thought it's get rid of it we didn't read the book we didn't pray I don't know what he said or what I said about that time old what's-her-name number one of the things I said you want to go with me well I didn't but it's better to stay with her so I got the car with him and I said God I'm going off he's not my kind of guy here I am going off with a perfect stranger I should have taken my car even though his was a little better 6-10 loop in Houston and I said I'll buy a beer I don't want a beer God I knew it I knew it I knew it I've gone off I said I'm gonna tell you something I waited about 10 seconds I'm gonna tell you something you either let me off on top of this freeway and I'm going over and get a beer or I'm gonna get a beer or you take me over there right now he said can you wait till we get to the club oh yeah I can do that I can handle fright if I got a little light I can't handle fright with no light we drove drove kind of a bad neighborhood drove this old rickety looking house I said my god is this it he said yeah I thought well when I get some money I'll help these folks walked in the front door and a bunch of the deacons were sitting over there talking about women in the stock market and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one back of the back they've got an old bar with an old piece of linoleum on it and the bartender he didn't look a hell lot better than I did program attraction you know he said mix him up a little milk and honey I said my god what do you put in it I never drank anything like that in my life he said well you see you're nervous I said hell that's what I've been trying to tell you and besides all that you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested I said indigestion is not my problem hell if you throw up right you don't have indigestion so I drank half of it and it curdled came right back up don't worry about it we have plenty hell I'm gonna put on a show for these guys one of the brilliant one says walk all you want to hell I didn't want to walk at all so they just sat there and you're drinking that sweet sweet stuff they've got a new animal in here today walking back and forth drinking that stuff walking walking walking I thought god finally sweet sick I hadn't had a piece of chocolate five ten years got almost tasty about four thirty you said well I guess we better go back home I said yeah I said now let me out a couple blocks before I get to the department because I knew I had to slip in get my car and go get some bourbon cuz beer would not cut that sweet taste he said don't drink anything I'm gonna pick you up in an hour and a half I said what for we're going to a meeting I said where right back where we came from said by god we're there all day so I got out and walked and And then here he comes and back over there we go. Funny bunch. I saw a few of them kind of laughing, hugging, kissing. The rest of them, they didn't act like this too damn happy to be there either. And they got up there and said some little old prayer. And some girl got up and talked an hour or two. They said it's 30 minutes, but I don't know how long it's been. They just laughed. Wasn't a damn thing funny. And some guy got up and talked two or three hours. They just laughed. I said, I'm going to tell you something. This is a sick bunch of people. Then they all got up, held hands, and said the Lord's Prayer. Then all of a sudden, boom! Holy Spirit moved in there. Everyone of them started talking. Nobody listened. I said, I wonder how in the hell he did that. Didn't sing any songs. Come down, kneel in, lay any hands. Didn't do nothing. I said, I'm going to keep my eyes open tomorrow night and see what he did. Me and the deacon walked back there in the back. Here they come. I see the deal. Don't have to wait until tomorrow night. Men and women laughing, talking. Jumping in those cars and taking off. I said, uh-oh. As soon as you hear a little while, you get to go over to these apartments to have a little drink and talk about this damn thing. We went night after night after night after night. Nobody invited us anywhere. I've got the only deacon that nobody likes. It doesn't rain in Houston. It just falls out. One night he calls. He said, I'll pick you up in 30 minutes. I said, it's raining. Did you ever go get a drink when it was raining? I'll be ready. One weekend, what's-her-name had gone back to the Valley to see if we had any friends left. So I just went home. We'd been going to meetings every damn night. So I just went home, locked the door, pulled down all the shades, turned out all the lights, had nothing on but the TV set. The old phone just ring, ring, ring, let it ring. Next morning he calls. He said, where were you last night? I said, I was right here watching television, enjoying every damn minute of it, and I may do it again tonight. Well, you missed it. I said, what'd I miss? He said, I don't know. I said, wasn't you there? He said, yeah, but I only heard what I was supposed to hear. We'll never know what it was you were supposed to hear. My God, you've got to go every night. You'll miss it. I said, I'll be right back. Went every night. Three months got drunk. Every night, three months got drunk. Every night, three months got drunk. And the last time I sobered up all by myself. And I decided I'm really not alcoholic. I'm probably what they say, a heavy drinker. And what my real problem is that I've just always been underfinanced. And if I can get properly financed, then I'll be okay. But what I need to do is first things first, go back and tell them thank you very much. I appreciate. I appreciate it. Everything you've done for me. But I'm just not one of you. And there's nothing you can do about it. You know, you have told me you can't make an alcoholic out of somebody who's not an alcoholic. Well, the meeting had already started. I thought, well, one more meeting won't hurt. Evidently, one morning around 2.30, I had called him while drinking. I doubt it very seriously. I think they'll tell you any damn thing, lie. They'll do anything. Walked up to me, and before I could resign, he said, Don't you ever call me again. God, I'm glad. I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I never called you in the first place. They called you. And I'm going to tell you something your best friends will not tell you. Nobody likes you here. We don't get invited anywhere, and they don't know me, so it's got to be you. And I'm going to tell you another thing. If I had as bad. personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking. And you don't ever have to worry about hearing from me ever, ever again. If you're the last son of a bitch on earth, you will never hear from me ever again. And I left, and he didn't until the next morning. And then I called him. He said, Meet me at the club. And I walk in the door, and he said, Get your coffee and sit down. They talk to you like a dog here, you know. I'm going to tell you something about alcoholics down there. Salatina, Al-Tat, Al-Anon, and Al-Dog. Absolutely no failure here. Never has, never will, impossible to, cannot fail. There's no failure here. Never will fail. Cannot fail. Set up to where there's no failure available, provided you do everything exactly like we tell you to do. And when we tell you to do it. All you need to do is make a decision every day to do exactly what we're going to tell you to do and not do. He said, Now, if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make, they'll flounder on the same subject for years. So we're going to give you a decision to make this morning. You're either going to go our way of life or right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you. I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you were going to do. I said, Do you mean to tell me that you don't and the group doesn't care whether I want to or not? He said, Not a bit. I said, Well, if you'll make it perfectly clear to the group that I don't want to do it, then I'll do it. He said, Well, we got to get some things straight. It's your thinking that's wrong. I said, How much am I thinking wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any, any good, we'll let you know. I said, You put a sign up there on the wall that says, Think, think, think. He said, That's for us. He said, Now, we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. The things we're going to give you not to do is going to change. The things we're going to give you to do, you'll just add to. Then it's going to happen over here. I said, What's going to happen over there? We don't know, but it always happens. I said, I'm going to tell you something. I've been listening to you and listening to you and listening to you. You never listen to me. I just got through listening to you, and I want you to hear me. I do not understand. He said, And that's it, and don't you ever forget it. He said, There's two things that you must remember for the rest of your day. No matter what's going on in your life, you do not understand. Then you'll have understanding. And when you quit trying to understand, then you can enjoy it. And the other thing is, no matter what your situation is, it's never the situation. It's never them. Never her. Never God. It's you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before. I said, How do I do that? He said, Oh, you can't. I said, What the hell you tell me for then? He said, That's it. He said, That's it. He said, That's it. He said, That's it. He said, That's it. That's what's going to happen to you. He said, Now I'm going to give you the kicker. This is the very one thing that got you here. But it's also the very one thing that, should it not change, will be the very one thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll begin to know. I said, Hell, you're crazy. He said, I know. Now, the first thing we're going to learn how to do is not do something. You do not know how to not do something. And the first thing we're going to learn how to do is not drink or take a pill. You know, the first thing we're going to learn how to do is not drink or take a pill. You know that card that I gave you that has my phone number and four other men, no women, on mine. When you get squirrely, no matter what time of day or night it is, you make the phone call. Definitely before you take a drink or a pill, you make that phone call. If you don't make the phone call, you didn't do it. Make the phone call. That's the way we're going to learn how to not do something. And this is what we're going to do every day. First thing when you get up in the morning, get down on your knees and say these words and these words only. God, take me today. Do with me as you see fit. Let thy will only be done in my life. Help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or mind-changing drugs. Amen. Do not need to tell God what he has not done, nor what he needs to do. God's going to handle that all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go to the bathroom? You may not need to go. I said, do you mean to tell me that you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here, you know. Before I got out on my knees next morning, I said, you know, God, you and I know he don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian. But we're... We're going to do everything this time just exactly like he says. So when we get enough this time, we can tell him to take it and shove it. So I got out on my knees, said that little old prayer, made sure I didn't go to the bathroom. He didn't imagine where I needed to go or not. He said, go to the bathroom and meet me at the club. I made it to the club and he said, now go to work. I said, I hate my job. He said, what's that got to do with it? I said, well, yesterday I hated it so much that I just couldn't go to work. He said, what did you do? Sit in that chair and think? I said, well, it's noon. Then I went to the AA club. He said, you know what? You don't know how to go to work. I said, how? He said, go get in the car. If you'll write that down, we'll catch it. Then he said, we'll learn how to do it better later on. But in the beginning, besides that prayer of a morning, invite God into the day when you get in the car. I said, how do you do that? He said, you say, God, I invite you into the day. Oh, put that on the car. Then we got it. Then you have to go to work, which is very bad for us. We should have retired until we were 18. Until we were 65. It's done it different. And then you have to come back to the club. And there they are sitting and talking. And out loud, so everybody can hear it. Get your coffee and sit down. Here's the seat. Damn, I know how to get my coffee. They've got to tell you. Out loud, so everybody knows you haven't got sense enough to get your coffee. And when you're almost settled down, you don't know what in the hell they're talking about anyway. Nor do they. I found that later. I found that later. Then you. Out loud, they say, time for you to go home, eat supper, and come back to the meeting. Hell, I know to go home and eat supper and come back to the meeting. We do it every damn day, for God's sake. And after the meeting, you say, now go home. Close the door to your bedroom. Get on your knees and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the day. It's been a miserable damn day. I hate you. I hate AA. I hate her. And I hate God. And I'm, by God, not going to be a hypocrite. I hate her. He said, do you feel like when you're praying to God, you don't mean it? I said, that's right. He said, that has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's the action that you're taking that you don't know you're taking that's going to cause all the things to happen that you have no idea is going to happen. And once you take the action that you don't know you're taking and all these things that are going to happen that you had no idea was going to happen, all the things that you think have to happen will never need to happen. And I said, well, hell, I understood that for God's sake. I said, you mean to tell me you don't care. Ruth doesn't care. And God doesn't care. When I pray to him, whether I mean or not, he said, not a bit. God is not going to depend on you for your relationship with him. He's going to handle that all by himself. I just went home, gotten there and closed that door. So what's the name? Number one couldn't get in there. Got down on my knees and said, OK, by God, God, thank you for a miserable damn day. Amen. Hell, if he don't care, they don't care. God don't care. Hell, I don't care. Did that for about two months. Driving that old 610 loop one morning about 915 and didn't do anything. He's different. That. He didn't do anything. I thought, man, I'm going to go out on that day and any other day. And this God that I for the first time knew as my friend moved into that car with me. And for the first time in my life, I knew I knew something different than I'd ever known it before. God stayed with me all that day. I thought, man, the rest of my life will be just like this. Old Oral better look out because Jimmy's coming. I thought about three o'clock that day and I'm going to get me a tent and some tambourines. And we're going to say, oh, I'm going to get me a tent. save some souls. I thought, hell, I might even let him go by and put up the tent. Couldn't wait for him to get back. Comes through that door and I said, get your coffee and sit down. The Baptist is taking over. I knew I was going to be the leader. Well, they don't like it coming back at them like that. But he got the coffee and I took him over in that room and I set him down there where I could look at him. And I told him the deal. And he grinned just a little and said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are sicker than others. I said, what are you going to do about it? I said, I don't know. And he said, I'm going to go down what's her name he said I'm gonna leave that alone my marriage we just left it alone we're not messing with it I'm gonna send you to a guy that's got his all worked out sent me to an Episcopalian you know they don't know he said you still married and I said not really I've been praying for somebody to sleep with it nobody will and I said I've got a girl that I know is mine I know that God is sinner to me been sober almost a month and they won't won't let me go with her I'm not sleeping with old what's-her-name and neither is anybody else he said you know when you got the Alcoholics Anonymous when you first came in you didn't fit in here you didn't fit back out there and it was kind of a lonesome time and you felt like he's the only one going through it I said yeah he said if you're willing to go through those lonesome periods in every area of your life I'll now only guarantee a relationship with many women that you've never imagined I don't know what you're gonna have to go through but you'll have a relationship with a woman maybe the one you with maybe a different one but if you'll go through all that I'll guarantee you that you'll have relationship with people and with one person that you've never had before provided you do what you need to do and also guarantee your boat that you'll have a relationship with Almighty God you can never have a dream doe I said don't believe that he said in that wonderful is it what I mean you don't need to sit you don't know how to live with anybody or live without anybody we're gonna learn how to practice on her then I want you to start saying this prayer you're never gonna tell her what's wrong with her ever again I said who's gonna tell her he said I don't know but you're not and you're never gonna do anything to get Alan on friends children or anything to work her around to get her to do what you think she oughta do I said never he said never and you're gonna pray for it I said I'm not you pray he said yes don't want to learn this prayer because you're gonna use it for the rest of your days God that will be done for her as well as for me take our relationship let it become what you want it to be and show me the truth he said you may have to say that a hundred times in the beginning but that's what we're gonna do gonna let God handle his thing and don't you try to make anything happen or keep it from it I said how do I do that he said call the sponsor every day so I end up doing that and about two or three months later that old sex love lust thing I had surfaced and I got it and I told my sponsor two or three times every day I've got it God will not remove it and I didn't know I thought I just need to change women then I finally told the group one of the girls said you're not supposed to tell that in the group so I went over and told another group and one of them snitched on me you know we don't gossip here we're just concerned in the meantime oh what's her name number one went to Al-Anon I said you ought to take her to Al-Anon my wife's already been taking her to Al-Anon I didn't even know it and she whatever Al-Anon that are here tonight I want you to know if I can ever help you in any form way otherwise call me day or night she found you to pressing and the mass was she went the more he found you represent whatever you're doing keep doing it my sponsor said usually when you've got a defective character that God shows you then when you stop acting on it like not drinking God transform your mind and remove for some reason that's not acting with you what's the thing is back in the cell the last three months afterI fell in love with an old woman and showed her the jar which she was about half old in the valley go there lock yourself in that apartment don't call any of us again we're sick and tired of hearing you with that thing you've got go there evidently you and god have got to do something with it well i didn't want to go to work that day anyway so i went over and locked myself in that apartment prayed cried cussed about 11 12 o'clock at night i went to sleep and next morning that thing was gone i thought there's a damn smart i don't even think i'll tell them so i didn't tell them about the fourth after the fourth night we went to the meeting and we're all sitting around the table eating ice cream and i said well i guess i might as well tell you all they said oh hell we knew it the first night i said why didn't you tell me you need to know that you're always going to be the last to know i said why is that he said we don't know well i end up after i found out the truth we got a divorce then i married me a southern southern singing in the choir sunday school teaching baptist civilian and took us 18 years to make sure that wasn't right i like to take my time with things i don't like to get well too quick because it may be a long trip what if you got well to leave and now i've got me a gal i shouldn't be with she's a yankee catholic god it's the worst thing my god i like god because he lacks only the impossible little younger than i am and i was concerned about that my sponsor said so is most all other women and i'm having to disappointedly report that i finally have a marriage like it's supposed to be and i could not believe it because i never knew what it was and so i really have had the last six and a half years has been the greatest years of my life god wouldn't have been something if we'd have missed it what if we'd have missed it you know i guess it's good we don't know where we are i guess it's good that we are in a place everybody in this room has been chosen by almighty god himself of the holy spirit might god has chosen him and we're all veryUL Isn't that amazing? There, I don't know when, must have chosen us before we was born. And we're living proof that only could we be here if we hadn't been chosen by God himself. Who took care of us? I did everything I could to destroy myself and anybody who'd go with me. Couldn't do it, could I? No, couldn't. Because why? Why? God chose me to be with you. What'd he say to us? I will prepare a place for you. You're not to fit into this world. My people can't fit here. I kept trying to fit, trying to be a part of. God says, my children don't do that. My children are going to live in the kingdom that he creates. And then he's going to send us out to do whatever it is he wants us. What's happened to us? That's what happened with us. People paid thousands of dollars to get what we got. Look at Swagger. He proved it. He had that old sex thing up, just like I did, and couldn't do anything about it. He said he and God could not get rid of it. And there's a guy that had all the anointing, all the anointing of the Holy Spirit, laid the hands on the people, God healed them, had it all, didn't he? Didn't have what we have. Did not have. In fact, if we'd have known it, you can't go down there with a hundred thousand dollar Lincoln. We could have taken my old car. They wouldn't have thought anything about it at all. laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter He'd have just called me. laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter But think of what he did. Think of his deal. What happened to him? Why couldn't he shake it? Because he didn't do what we do, nor what he preaches. He preaches repent. What do we do? What is repent? Admitting it to God, myself, and what? Another human being. Hell, we got it. Who gave it to us? God gave it to us. You know, we've got the greatest privilege of anybody living. We have got the greatest. People spend thousands of dollars trying to get what we have. I know a Baptist preacher went out there to Shugler to try to get it. Spent two weeks with Shugler. Neither one of them had it. How are they going to get it? You can't get it when neither one of them has got it. laughter How do people get it from where you? After you get it. Isn't that amazing that God put us together? laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter Did you know where you were going? Did you know when you were out there? You were supposed to get married, have family, and all that stuff, be self-sufficient and all that? Where were you? Went to pop, didn't you? Damn right. Did you give it everything you had? Yeah, more than one? Ooh. Lots of times. What happened? Didn't make it. Did perfect. You were perfect. You did exactly what you needed to do. You became living experience of being inadequate, could not be self-sufficient, like God's children must be, and what happened? You became nothing. What an experience. The only person that's going to know God to the extent that you and I are going to know God is that we became helpless and nothing. What you and I are today is only what God is in us today because you and I got to the place we had to go. You and I, God, without a shadow of a doubt, has us not drinking, not taking pills, loving each other, didn't leave anybody out, brought from every walk of life, left out none, brought us from everywhere. And didn't miss a one. Preachers, ministers, priests, rabbis, we're all here. He got us from everywhere. Why? Because he wants to put us together, make his kingdom, send us out to do 90% of the time we don't know what we're doing, and 90% of the time we have no idea what he's doing with us, but he's doing it. We are his children. I don't know about other folks, but I'm not going to do that. I know I know about you and I. Thank God I stayed with you long enough to know that God was ahead of this deal and God wanted to be ahead of my life and yours. Just think of all that time. You thought you were out there trying to do something. You didn't know you was out there getting ready to go to AA, did you? You say, I've got to get out here and fail to give it everything I've got so I can get in the commode and the lid closes. Why? I'm on my way to AA. And if you didn't know where you were going, then it's none of your business where you're going after you get here. But I want to tell you something. I may not know this in the morning at 9 o'clock, but right now I know I know. God has you and I in the palm of his hand. And we've been there all the time. I've been there. I've been there. And the only thing you and I have to do is continue to live through those experiences so you and I will know that God is our sole Father. We say that all the time. It's about three years ago that in the depth of I've never had it before that I knew God was my Father and I never, any other father is not a father. That he's my only Father. And I knew I knew it. And I knew one time after that, that I could ask anything I wanted to and he'd do it. What do you think I asked? Scared me to death. What would you ask to get this? I just said, oh God, forget this deal. Your will only and forget it. You and I need to stay here with each other. There's no way for you and I to work it. Have you ever been wrong? Today? Sure. We're supposed to. We're supposed to. You did everything. You and I, through this moment, have done everything you and I were supposed to do by what? By God's will. No matter what it looks like or what it seems like. If you and I are doing what AA says to do, then you and I are in God's will, no matter what's going on in our lives. We're living, every one of us is living proof of that. You and I are definitely been brought into a place where God has taken our lives and transformed them into what? Just exactly what he created us to be. And he doesn't make mistakes when he made you and I. And he knew exactly what he's doing. And for once in our lives, we're in the place that God himself, that God himself created and that God himself is in charge. Because you and I now live in that one power that only God's chosen people live in. Nobody else has it. Nobody else has God's Holy Spirit in them except his children. Maybe somebody says, well, he chose everybody. Well, I don't know about that. I just know about you and I. And I know I know it. Because I stayed with you long enough to feel God loving me that day. And the difference was you. My life was never going to be any different until God sent me to be with you and sent you to be with me. It could not, was not supposed to be any different until he sent us to be together. And once we're together, that power takes over my life and takes over yours. And it never fails us when we call one another, when we meet together, just like it is right now, when I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.