Surrender as a Continuous Action – Barry R.

About This Speaker Tape

A Greyhound bus to Galveston, Texas, with a bicycle in tow. Barry R. spent his youth drifting through a neon world of concrete and cigarette smoke, chasing a "granular bit of heaven" in cocaine and the slow tide of LSD. He was a shy kid who didn't feel at home in his own skin, fleeing from a script in his head that told him he was unworthy. The wreckage mounted until he woke up in the back of a squad car, then later found himself driving faster into a field, nearly plummeting off a bluff.

At a detox center, Barry hit a wall of genuine surrender. He realized his life was a network of interwoven emotions—self-pity feeding fear, feeding resentment. He traded the high-powered motorbike for a 50cc putt-putt bike and a life of continuous surrender. From the grit of sober houses to the "boot camp" of a Japanese Zen temple, he learned to stop running and simply sit. He found a Higher Power not in theology, but in the connection required to survive.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Barry R. discusses his upbringing as a preacher's kid and his early interest in Siddhartha.
• 4:10 Description of early drug use: marijuana, amphetamines, and LSD.
• 8:30 The first encounter with an AA meeting in a Ramsey County detox and his initial rebellion.
• 14:20 The near-miss car accident where a tree saved him from going over a bluff.
• 17:45 Step 1: The moment of surrender in Hastings Detox and the feeling of peace.
• 21:10 Step 2: Discussing the 'come to believe' process and the network of self-pity and fear.
• 26:40 Arrival in Japan and the struggle to find an English-speaking AA group in Osaka.
• 33:15 Discussion of Zazen meditation and the training at Hoshinji.
• 38:50 The 'koan' of non-existence and the heat in the abdomen during a final session.
• 45:10 Laughter: A participant shares a story about missing the bell three times.
• 52:30 Discussion on spirituality without theism and the 'thread' of resentment.