Surrender as a Continuous Action – Barry R.

Well, my name is Barry. I'm an alcoholic and it is an honor to speak to you tonight in this context. It's absolutely unique for me. I've given my story many times but not in the context of a then retreat. So there are some things I'm going to skip and some things i want to get to right away. My father was an immigrant from Australia, a dirt poor background. He was a minister, a unique minister. He believed in philosophy. He did not believe in the theology of Christianity. I didn't find that out until later. But I was not subjected to fire and brimstone, which is good for the emotional blackmail that Christianity is involved with. I did not have that. But, I had rationality and strictness from him. And I felt uncomfortable being a preacher's kid. And I had memories of the parishioners walking out and greeting my father. I couldn't understand the seriousness of it all. And it was the 60s, and I didn't think it was very cool. I read Siddhartha in high school. I read a lot of things in high School. But for some reason, Siddhartha Struck Home by Herman Hesse I found out later he was a novelist who was not a practitioner himself but he the power of meditation that he transmitted left its mark and predisposed me to Zen Buddhism later on I was a painfully shy kid I had a few friends, I was an athlete but I didn't socialize too much enough I guess I filled myself up with American culture by watching John Wayne movies and the like. So my drinking career didn't really start until I got to college. And I remember the first time I drank wine, I passed out. I didn't like the taste of beer. I had to acquire that, but I didn' t manage to acquire it. But my world changed when I first smoked marijuana. because the colors came out and the macaroni, the hamburger macaroni in the dorms tasted wonderful. And I didn't eat a lot of it. It changed my whole outlook. And I was in tremendous shape. I exercised all the time. So the first time I had amphetamines, that was something. My well-trained heart was beating like you could not believe it. in the middle of the night, and I couldn't sleep, and everyone else was asleep. But it was an experience. I felt like Superman. What can I say about cocaine? That granular bit of heaven when you snort at it. There's nothing like that either. But the drug I really fell in love with was LSD. and uh the first time i tried that i was i was with someone i admired very much and it was just he and i and his girlfriend and um i took it didn't happen right away but it came on slow like the tide coming in and the company and the setting and the vibrant colors and the experience was unforgettable and I forgot that I was a shy kid and I learned how to dance by drinking beer lots of it and I had a good time doing that but I still didn't feel at home with my fellows and in the spring of my first year I dropped out in the middle of the quarter didn't finish my classes went out to Santa Barbara with my uncle and just walked on the beach and walked between the mountains and the sea and read some novels, you know. And then I did not feel at home in my skin. In the fall semester, I came back because there was really no other course for me that I could see. That was the first time I dropped out. About a year later, I droppedout and I put my finger on the map and decided that Galveston, Texas would be a good place for me. I didn't know anybody down in Galvesto, Texas. But I got on a Greyhound bus with my bicycle and spent the winter down there as a waiter at Guido's Restaurant and I rode my bicycle up and down the Braunloch and I met a guy named Harpoon Berry who was a tattoo artist and I bought my pot from him and I enjoyed myself in my little boarding house room but I came back. In the summer to make my way through college I worked on driveways we work like from I'd get up at 4 o'clock, get there at 5, and get out of the yard. We'd get back at 9 o' clock at night. Hard labor all day long. And I can tell you from experience it's not a good idea to smoke marijuana around heavy machinery when you're doing hard labor. Because you bump your head, you stub your toe, and you might get hurt. But one evening, after we got home early, About 5.30, I decided I'd go downtown Stillwater afterwards. And I did. And I bought myself some shots, one after another, of tequila. And the next thing I knew, I woke up in the back of a squad car doing a Ramsey County detox. And that was where I encountered my first AA meeting. And I absolutely rebelled and could not agree that I belonged there. The next year, I got back to Bemidji where I was going to school and I moved in with a... to a house off campus where they were selling drugs. And there was any kind of drug you wanted there. I like mushrooms a lot along as well as LSD. And I was high just about every day. So my usage was increasing quite a bit. The next year, to study in contrast, I went to Oxford England. So I did get good grades. I was not sober but so I was with a bunch of snooty students from all over the country. And I had to learn to adapt to that. I switched, I left the drugs behind and started drinking gin, stout, and Guinness. I had a good year of economic study but I felt not at home with my students. I felt the same way I always felt with other people, not quite fitting in. At the end of the year most people were taking a tour of Europe. I did. I did by myself. I went to Germany on Sunday and I got there and I didn't find anybody to change my money for me. Went to a youth hostel and it was closed so I went back to the train station and spent the night on the train and then went to Paris and see nothing was working out. It wasn't quite working the way I had planned it. I ended up in front of Notre Dame with frenzied thinking. I just wasn't at home. I should have been having the time of my life, but I wasn't. I ended Up in Barcelona, well, a town outside Barcelona. We're in a hotel drinking wine, reading the Gospels and going in to meet the ladies of the evening. That's how I spent my money, and I had to go back home because I ran out of money. That summer I had a few credits left so I spent it in Bemidji and I was really planning on being on top of it, but I was doing LSD every day, and there was a day when it was raining outside, and I decided not to work because who works when it's raining outside? So I lost my job. But it didn't work out for me. So I went home to work with my father, who had left the ministry at this time. He was publishing a magazine. And I switched my routine. And I stayed there for about two years. and I would drink I'd go out and live in Stillwater but I drove to St. Paul, Minneapolis and I never knew where I'd end up or who I'd ended up with I'm glad I didn't kill anybody I started to meet policemen on the way home strangely enough there was one night downtown Stillwater I met this attractive young girl and danced with her down there and then went back to her place. I bought a 12-pack. And somehow, I really don't know how this happened, but I ended up outside and she ended up inside. And the door was locked. So I pounded on the door and the window, and the next thing I know the police were there and there were a lot of them. And I had a hand up in the air and I told them what happened and they all had a good laugh. And then he took me home. Another evening, not so pleasant I was at a party and it was time to go and I was driving home and I realized that I was not on the road but I was actually in a field. And instead of slowing down and backing up I drove faster. That's what I did. Somehow I stopped and made it home and I did retreat and I got home but the people at the party the next day called me up and told me that I drove right to the edge of a bluff and the only thing that had kept me from going over it was a tree about that big. Though I was lucky, I didn't know how lucky I was. I was luckier than killing anybody else on the road. That was where my real luck was. I'm getting near my bottom now. There's one night where I drove home from downtown and if any of you know Stillwater, there's full of hills and I drove up the North Hill about 60 miles an hour. It took a hard left turn and the police were right there and my friend's hands were around my neck because I'd scared him to death. So, the police took me away to jail. I'd been to detox once before and it was much preferable to jail so I said, why don't you guys take me to detox? And they did. They took me to Hastings Detox. So, the day after I was talking to some very friendly and crafty AA volunteers. And I was telling you, I was relating how I ended up in detox and they suggested that I might be alcoholic and I reacted by saying that couldn't be true. I didn't believe I was an alcoholic because I didn' t fit my idea of what an alcoholic was. I said that I had problems, I had pressures and if you had my pressures you'd drink too. You smoked a little bit of pot that I did. I smoked a little bit pot during the week and I drank on the weekends. Well sometimes I drank during the weeks too, but not much. And they ask me do you think you depend on these drugs and the alcohol? I admit it maybe yeah I do depend on them. You would too they say well dependence equals alcoholism addiction and for some reason that worked for me i accepted that the reason i was going through the things that i would was i might be an alcoholic right to the bottom of my feet i accepted it and i felt a sense of the weight being lifted from my shoulders and I felt peaceful and calm in a way that I was to feel again years later after I'd done a 10-step amend. A feeling of peace and all's right with the world. I had surrendered. I'd surrendered perfectly in that moment before I knew what the first step was. It was almost 27 years ago and I haven't had to do it again but I really don't think that of why I stayed sober. It was a genuine surrender, but it was only the first surrender. And I think it was for me the essential action upon entering AA is surrender. But it has to be continuous. Because I had to also surrender my idea of resistance to a higher power. I had so much to surrender my fear. I had to surrender my will. I hadto surrender my pride. I hadtocerender my secrets. I haddocerendermyisolation. I hadddocerrendermyresistance to making amends. That's why I stayed sober. Because I kept coming back. And I kept wanting a better life. so I left that detox center to Twin Town Treatment Center and then I went to Fellowship Halfway House in St. Paul and after that I went to sober houses and I stayed sober and a lot of people around me weren't I got a sponsor named Tom Drinke from Texas who wasn't a brilliant guy but he was friendly we went to meetings together we talked about the program I read the big book I tried to piece it together I didn't have a license they took that away so I walked everywhere and took the bus this exercise we did this afternoon was wonderful because 27 years ago I used to walk around this place right here and it brought back a lot of memories of Galtier Plaza back then you used to have a cafe there you'd go in and have a cup of coffee I read a variety of religious experiences by William James. I ran on the bus, too. It was a wonderful time. But what I recall from that time, walking around feeling like my life was going nowhere. There were periods when I was really kind of despondent. There was one week in my early sobriety where I did not... The only reason I got up out of bed was to have breakfast. then I went back to bed and living in a sober house with some other guys and there was one guy there who was turned with it to clean the cat box and he wasn't doing it because he relapsed so the smell was getting pretty bad but that was down the corridor that was downstairs and down the corner I didn't pay attention to that I was in bed and I wasn't getting up so during this period of time I had to decide whether I would believe in a higher power or not and I made up my mind that I would believe that there's a higher power because I don't see how I could live otherwise and I took the second step and unlike the first step I didn't feel any different at all but I had genuinely taken the first steps because it says come to believe doesn't say came to believe all I had to do was open myself up to the possibility that there might be a higher powerful and that he might help me and that was enough I didn't have to have my concepts all laid out my dad talked to me about St. Thomas Aquinas you know I knew about that but that wasn't going to keep me sober what I needed was a connection to a higher power and it worked something I could rely on and I got that by going back slowly over time see I had self-pity which fed my fear which fed my resentment which fed myself pity which fed me fear and on and on it was not one emotion it was a network of emotions that were interwoven and I had to wait to carry for a young guy but with my sponsor I spent time we had dinner together we just spent time together when I was with him I put my problems outside the door and it was enough to get me through I went to a place I was wondering what to do about my career so I went to a Jewish vocational center off University Avenue I doubt if it still exists now but they told me how to write a resume they gave me lots of tests to take at the end of a six month process I found this book, Jobs in Japan. I had my degree. I graduated in English Lit and it was perfect for me. See, I'd taken many trips before. I'd been to Galveston, Santa Barbara. All those little trips each night I went out drinking, they were little trips. The same sort of thing. Now I know what was happening. I had a script in my head that told me that I was unworthy. And I was running away from that. Everywhere I went, I was runing away from them. And there was no escape from that! But now I was sober and I decided to go to Japan. So I took AA with me. And that's the big difference. I wasn't running. So I got on the airplane I got off the airplane and there I was in Osaka and the customs agents were a little bit leery of me they took me in the back room they decided I was harmless and let me through I got outside and I was confronted by about 20 taxi drivers I looked at them, they looked at me I couldn't speak a word of Japanese all I had was, I don't know why I'm emotional. I hadn't expected this. I had a pamphlet. I told the text, that's where I wanted to go. And he took me there. He took me to Osaka but he couldn't find the place because this was 60 miles away. That was 60 miles. He left me behind. I got in another taxi. I took my bag and I got to the ryokan finally. Turned on the TV, and there was sumo wrestling. I don't know if you've ever seen sumo wrestling. They were saying, hi, hi to each other. Why are they saying hello to each another? You know, hi actually means yes. The Japanese are very formal. But anyway, I saw Kanishi. I don' t suppose you know who Kanishki is. He's a sumo wrestler, 500 pounds. He was Samoan. He had this glistening fat. It was just unlike anything I'd ever seen before. So that was my introduction to Japan. After an ordeal, I got there. So I spent the next two weeks milling around Osaka. And we Americans are used to having plenty of body space around us. But in Japan, it's not present. You know, they bump into each other. And this is culture shock. It's nothing you can prepare yourself. It's the differences between cultures that you only know about when you go there. And strangely enough, they all have black hair and black eyes. And they all speak a different language. And it's a neon world of concrete and cigarette smoke. And I didn't know what to do. and I ended up in the Kinukuniya bookstore and I read an English magazine that was geared toward the foreigners who lived there and I saw a little ad about AA so I found the right subway stop and the right subway exit if you don't get the right subway exit you could be a long way from your destination the right street the right corner the right alley the right block the right building the right floor the right direction off the elevator went in the room and they were reading how it works. So what had been an ordeal up until that time became an adventure. You know, it's just like at home and there weren't many people and my entire experience in Japan and I was there nine years, was made up of little meetings where he had to struggle to get to. And we all relied on each other very much. And I learned an awful lot about AA. It's not treatment. You don't do cross-talk. You know, I say my piece, he says his piece. You know? We want the people to come back. We don't want to chase them away. you know and AA was on the edge of existence just on the edge and we were on the frontier we learned many lessons myself and two other guys founded a group English speaking group in Kyoto and it's still going on I look on the internet and there's directions there's contact people and this is the group I founded they have no idea that I was the guy who started one of them got it. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. It took me six months to get established in Japan. I moved from Osaka to Kyoto. Let's see what happened. Let me turn the page here. Oh, yeah. I came about a week or two late. So all the hiring had been done and I was looking for the scraps. So I had to do various odd jobs. One of them was Jump Academy, where I'd meet the group of women with their children and I would sing and dance and entertain the mothers and their children. And that was hard for a guy who's self-conscious. But I did Sometimes I wasn't sufficiently cavort-y for the mother's sake. They wanted a little bit more out of me, so I didn't stay there too long. One of my other jobs was... I don't know if you've heard about Jukus. It's a school after school that these Japanese and their fanatical system employ so that they can really learn well. So you get a bunch of rested teenagers who don't want to be there. and I was hired to go in this class and I wasn't given a textbook and told to teach for 90 minutes without any preparation and I did that twice and I didn't and it went off rather well the difference between my running and going to Galveston and Santa Barbara was I was running but here I had the 12 steps and I wouldn't run I was trying I was crying I was praying to save my life Basically, I was doing an extended third step. I got on that plane and I made up my mind that this is what I was going to do and I put my life in God's hands. And when you sometimes do that, you get a big payoff. And I got a big payoff. Six months later, I met my girlfriend who later became my wife. I was managing a guest house in Yamashima outside of Kyoto and I was established I could have been there as long as I wanted to. You know? I eventually got into Kyoto, Berlitz. And this is where my story gets interesting. Because I met a friend over there named Jim Morton who would come from the San Francisco Zen Center and I think he was in Japan 20 years by the time I showed up but he knew this temple called Hoshinji which was across the western edge of Japan And he introduced me to Zazen. He didn't tell me how to sit Seiza. He didn'Tell me how to sit Akhlo. He said, this is the way you sit. You follow this and that's all you do. That's the way I learn. So, I like it now. It's just the way I sit. I'm comfortable at it. But I didn't learn the concepts of AA or, excuse me, Zen that you teach each other here. I went to a place which was well established and they didn't have time to teach all that. That was assumed. Hoshinji is a training place. It's sort of boot camp for Japanese monks. It's the place they go to and they're scared to death of getting through it because it's serious. And Harada Seikiroshi was the guy who ran it when I was there. I'm not sure if he's there now or not. He must be pretty old by now. He's a little guy, not much... He's the same height as I am, round, but he held himself with quiet dignity. And the whole place was affected by his demeanor. He was in charge. and I did about nine full sessions there seven day sessions and I didn't do a number of partial ones because I couldn't do the whole things I was able because an English teacher I work like hell for three weeks and take a week off so that's what I did for a number years I used to do Zazen in between my lessons at Berlint they have 40 minute bells so it was perfect so um at the beginning i had this big motorbike big high-powered motorbike i'd drive up all the way across the island near the end of my stay in japan i was driving this little 50 cc putt putt newspaper delivery bike so it wasn't as flashy and it took twice as long to get there, but I saw a lot more on the way. I slowed down a bit. In Kyoto there are a lot of money-making temples. Very flashy. But Hoshinji had been there 400 years in sort of a ramshackle little place. I have pictures, by the way, I downloaded them off the internet if you want to see them. And everything in that place has its place. And every action during a seven-day sashin also has its place. Everything is scripted. You may go out and do the work and then you're a little freer. But when you're in the middle of the ritual and the routine, you're just following the plan. And the purpose is so that you can focus all your attention on transcending. and thank God for Harada Sekiyoshi he had foreigners there there were Canadians there were Germans and there were Americans Daigaku Umi I met him I'm sure he's at the San Francisco Zen Center tall guy, very tall Daigoku means high mountain maybe some of you know him but these guys lived there for years and years and years, they became Japanese, more Japanese than the Japanese. And they translated and interpreted for the rest of us. And they absorbed the Dharma. And this is the Dharma line going way back from China. Bodhidharma, you know, Dogen. It was there. They studied the sutras and Sandokai, Diamond Sutra, Lotus Sutra all that. and they translated the Teishos and they interpreted during Dotson. And they're a treasure. They are a national treasure for us because they brought Zen to us. The sights and sounds of the place were just wonderful. The session would start Sunday night and they'd have a ceremony and the atmosphere would settle down upon the locale and it was a heavy weight that came down everyone was serious you woke up 4 o'clock and you meditated until 9 o' clock and one of the lovely rituals was when everybody's sitting in the zendo and the roshi comes in and he's carrying very powerful musky incense and he goes all around the zeno And then after he puts it down, and then he goes back and kills Haku. He comes out and he walks behind him and everyone wants a whack. And he didn't hit you hard. The other monks would do that. They would really punish you, but he just wanted to wake you up. But that was how he started. And they had bells and they had clackers and they had whistles and they had all sorts of things. But it was hard. It was hard, hard work. It was a grinder. By the time you reached the fifth day, it was like you were scaling a mountain. You were reaching the heights and you had achieved some clarity. But Harada had it so that this was, I don't know if you've ever been on any sports team with a way like a football coach the way he'll he'll bring everybody together and build them as a group and they'll all have a goal win the championship right verada had a similar plan this is different with a lot of in-centers i'm sure but the goal was individual transcendence and he said he pushed the message this is possible this is possible for you now you can do it strive for it this is what we're all doing you know so the goal is enlightenment my enlightenment he said do your best do it now do not strive in vain you know so that was my orientation and he had a lot of wonderful sayings one was wholeheartedness whatever you do do it wholeheartedly another was we talk about cause and effect he told us to be the cause don't worry about the effects the effects that are determining your action now be the Cause right now and everything he said had an element of a koan to it one of my first doksans with him he said, you do not exist I didn't have much background in Zen And they really weren't explaining a whole lot to me. So I really didn't know how to handle that other than to ponder it. Of course, you're supposed to pander it. It's supposed to be mysterious. It's a koan. You know, you do not exist. He didn't tell you do Not Exist independently. That I might have understood a little bit better. But he wanted people to struggle. I think my last oak song with him is a wonderful seshin. I was really doing well, I thought. I mean, I was getting a lot of energy. I had clarity of mind. And he filled my abdomen with heat. Warmth. I know he did it. I'd never felt anything like that, nor since. So I left with something special that time. And since then, I have 10 years of newsletters from Hoshinji. And when I came back to America, I hadn't been part of a sangha except for those... I didn't know that the sangha existed over here. So what kept me going was those newsletTERs. but how does this manifest itself in my life where am I I'm over I'm sorry I have more stories but I didn't pay attention to the time so maybe I'm speaking a little bit tomorrow and I will carry on there I think I can continue with what I have to do in the subject matter so thank you very much so we'll move our cushions into a big circle or rectangle it's more like a rectangle to make it kind of oval An oval is the, are you using the post, right? And people can see on this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So we're just going to have a sharing time, like a meeting, and who would like to start, and where we'll go around. Some digestion of the day or something that's instructive or how you're feeling, whatever you need. That one. John, I'm not recovering. I don't know. You've got to talk louder, John. I'm emotional myself. I haven't been in meditation for maybe years without much guidance. My wife says, don't buy any literature. You have book upon book upon book about men in recovery. You can start keeping those away. So Matt, thank you for something that happened to me. I'm going to tell her it was a required reading. I had the same experience with postageons. That led me probably away from Catholicism. I was in a monastery, Trappist Monastery for a year prior to committing to my life. Seldency was my strongest suit. And I found that vocation and being a parole agent had a lot of profoundly disturbing things happen to me in like 30 years as an agent. and one way of coping was certainly to meditate and pray, of which I did both. They don't mesh very well. After getting dependent, I can't say that it was so much abusive in an addiction sense. Although I was severely addicted to street drugs when I was a youth. that ended up becoming dependent upon pain killers because I've got some chronic pain problems. I decided to get clean from those and following the most excruciating withdrawal syndrome, ended up in the psychiatric ward and I request a little bit suicidal with no plan just that feeling And at that point I thought, you know, I'm going to put my belief in Zen meditation into action. I joined the community and checked out several, including several in the metro area and a small group that was competing informally with St. Cloud. At any rate, I came to this retreat with, what do you call it, ambivalence, some anxiety and that dissipated with the smile of everybody, especially you. And my first sitting affected me for a while. And I want to thank everybody here for sharing this honor with me. I think in your home, in your practice, it's good to find people that are awake. And so just offer them that. Should we go around or what? I think we should do a web, but we might have that. We might not have time for everybody. You know the web is anybody who wants to speak in it pushes their voice into the space. I want to say something, you know. Before I left, he took a stand and said, Enlightenment is what you can't miss in life. It's like getting to the ground with a staff. I don't know when he did find that, but I want to find out. You guys were talking about concept of standing, which are very doubtful, and I want them as an orientation. But I really want to fight it off. That's why I'm meditating, but it's also because I get nourishment from it. It feels like the right thing to do. My interest is in really stating the concept. Okay. Thank you. Sorry. I'm done now. I'll just comment that this is very full of truth And I know in other years that somewhere around the study and somewhere in the afternoon, my friends would ask me to do it. But because I'm kind of always with what I state, so I haven't talked about it. Thank you. Thank you. I've been coming here for over three years now, and I've always wanted to ring that bell. And I thought a lot about it. But I wasn't just going to ring it willy-nilly. It was going to be... It was going to serve a purpose the first time, and I remembered when that would be. And so it turned out to be tonight because the bell ringer was in the other room, so I had to do it. So I was very excited and I was nervous, and I sat there and it came time and I bowed and I grabbed the hammer and I missed. I am not kidding. I would stay at the bell three times, and two of those three tries, I missed. I missed, and I was laughing at myself the whole time. And in that moment, though, it was wonderful because it was really, you know, I had this idea that it was going to be just inviting the bell to ring, but it wasn't. It turned out to be me missing the bell. And it was just a really great experience. Thank you. Okay, I'm going to start calling now. What's your name and how are you doing? I'm Dana, I'm an addict. Feeling a little tired I'm really grateful to be here, it's been really wonderful, I've never had anywhere in the United States kind of like this mess, so it's really great. How about you? What's your name and how are you doing? My name is Andrew. Hi, Andrew. And, um, it went really well. Um, I...I've been...excited about this event. Um, the meditation is so slowing down. It's not my job tonight. I'm always questioning people, be here, be there, be late, be where we're at. And slowing down to process things is kind of a difficult thing. And so So, I think this is the most I've ever done in my life. If I can't hear a couple phrases all together. Probably the most. So it's been an experience, a novel one, and I'm enjoying it. I hope to be able to take it with me. And I see that there's a lot of tools here and opportunities in which it sounds like it's not a singular, it's another woman that's here or that sort of desire to kind of mentor a group of candidates through all the other classes that we were talking about Thank you. I think I've been really, this is my third retreat as well, And I've been really kind of taking that in and how my life has changed. I started meditating maybe about a year before the first retreat. And I remember how I wanted to come to the retreat, and I was very afraid. And I was talking about it with Amy, who is so precious. And I remember, and I was struggling financially. And she said, well you can't not come. And because of that, I came. And of course my first reaction was after the retreat was done, what can I do now? What can I give? And so it was then that I started doing the registration for children's practice and I've been doing that ever since, so a couple of years now. And I can't even begin to, I can put words on how much this gives me. I just think of all the different paths it's taken me down, with classes and with coming here on a consistent basis and having the accountability of service work. That's a huge part for me because it takes that for me to show up sometimes. And I'm just, I'm really, to be here on the third year and to see the new faces and to see the faces that I've been sitting with over that course of time now, it's just, it fills me up so much. I don't know how I can ever, I feel, I said I don'T know howI can ever repay the gift that that initial interaction with one person gave me. You know, it priceless. Well, I'm overwhelmed by it now. My name is Linda and We spent the first year in Montana and the second year in Minnesota and came back to Minnesota in January, and probably for about four months or so before we came back we started going to Alabama and out in Montana. And it's been really helpful for me to listen to people's stories because even though I've been able to say to myself, and some of it is on an emotional level, maybe more on an emotional level that I can't fix this. It's not mine to fix, it's my son, but still I want to fix it. And when I listen to these stories, and I realize, okay, it just, it more clear to me, okay I can't do that. And it's also, it's a little bit embarrassing to admit that I think, or I had this belief that I didn't know really that I had, that somehow if I could really figure out how to turn it over to either the God or the non-God If I could turn it over, I wouldn't have pain anymore and I'd have serenity. And Matt said something to me in a small group, he said, Did you think you just had to turn it open one time? No! Yeah, I guess I did think that. I was hoping for that. I was like, could I just be, if I just do the path or the whatever, if i just do the right thing and somehow I'll be relieved. And it's coming more through me well okay I'm gonna have this pain. This pain is my pain and so I have to figure out how to live with it. Just like I have to figure how to sit with the pain in my knees as the longer it gets. you know okay how do i negotiate that it's not going away it's just gonna become different somehow and it's both intriguing and despairing and frightening and and relieving, I don't know, all at the same time because I'd like it to just flow away. So thank you, all of you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I'm going down with something today. Last year was my first year Thank you. it had to be his and he chose not to do it and that's a tragedy but on the other hand it is like I really walked away realizing that it just wasn't mine and I couldn't leave it behind in a different way. And it just, I mean it's, I guess in this last year especially especially with the one time you started training, you know, just to practice around recessive. That's what I've been doing for a long time. You still have to say, I haven't. Recessive is not bad except for people that I love, where they are in their lives, and just trying to make use of that to be okay with it, and try to do that. And so this retreat was really different You know, I have to say, I think I really love practicing noble silence. I think it's the introvert's journey. I had an addiction therapist tell me one time that my disease will try to isolate me and that I have to do everything possible push through that, even when I most don't want to. Which is a good, a huge part of why I'm here. To be with like-minded people who are like-mind in more ways than one. More than just in the 12 step plan. So I am just really grateful to be here. I really enjoyed the walk today. I have a 16-year-old Airedale Terrier, and when I take her for a walk, that's the pace we go. It's her walk, it's not mine. But we live in an away community in Kansas City, and it's very quiet, and so it's easy to go her pace when it's très quiet. But But in this area, I really felt the energy around me, even though it's still winter and you know, it's not exactly bustling in this neighborhood. But comparatively it is. So I was able to experience this contrast that I don't usually experience when I walk the old girl. I'm really grateful to be here and very much appreciate the openness with which everyone has shared. I have been to this retreat a few times, and the first one I loved so much that I couldn't stay away and remember. And I missed it last year, but it's so refreshing and so wonderful to meet people here that to come from such a far away place, just to come here. And I mean, I take for granted what we have here. This is such a great song and such a great opportunity to mix this practice and you know, this way of life, the 12 steps. I just take it for granted. I mean I've come all the way from the fourth floor, so. But I forget how truly precious this is. So I really appreciate everyone coming from, you know, a mile away or far away day to day across the country and what a wonderful thing it can do for us to have this movement of that retreat. Thank you. I'm pulling out the people who aren't with me. I'd love to know what they're doing. Well, I don't see today maybe we carry on with growing pieces for practice. Well, Mark and I belonged to this fund 10 years ago and then we moved to Arizona But we miss it so much in our life. I do not think I ever felt so much at peace with myself as when I was coming here and learning, teaching, and sitting. And we've looked for various foods in Arizona, and we just can't find anything like it. So that's why we came to Arizona. And you said something about it being worse, and it definitely is worse. And it's good to be back in this environment. Hi, I'm Mark and I'm a workaholic and a controllaholic. And I'm in a little bit of crisis because I retired two months ago. And so that's one thing and yet another part of it is now I have all control her. So that's trouble. But yeah, we're glad to be here. We actually joined the Seinfeld when we used to meet over by the Guthrie Theatre and we've been a member all this time. We stream things down occasionally, and it is a great way. Thank you. I think it's the first one where I didn't completely feel like I was in a whole small part of this, during the retreat. It doesn't mean I don't feel that way tomorrow. And just talking about the literature with people is true. So, coming to this retreat has led to a wonderful thing in my life, and I'm glad that it's going to be here. I came here last year and it seems like from last year to this year, the concept of a half I didn't know it had gotten longer somehow. I called at home and thought to myself, did they forget too? It's only because the rain has stopped. So I've either watched that or watched them in distance. But it's taken me a little while I'm a little bit warmed up, but then now I feel more in the spirit of it, so I just appreciate all the effort that it really makes to get here, you know, and I couldn't have this moment without these guys who did this for me, so it's great. Hi, I'm Rose. I'm an alcoholic. This is sort of different for me. It's my first real formal introduction to Buddhist practice and to alcoholics. I've studied Buddhists casually for quite a while, but I never really got into practice with it. I live in Florida, and a part of the state is very conservative, and there aren't very many Buddhist organizations within a close distance. And definitely there's nothing like this. I discovered this retreat a few months ago and it took me some time to get the guts to find out what was going on and I had doubts all the way here and it was a long trip but I think it's definitely worth it and I'm very glad that I came. My name is Warren, and I hit the bottom last year in April, and at the same time, I was I've been using heart drugs and had been for about seven years. It started as a methadone program at the same time that I started going to meetings at food courts in Utah and Parkway over there. And I have been going like every Thursday, Friday, Wednesday I had a relapse in the middle of it I don't recall where it's from, but I came back and there were a lot of really great people there too. They were brought up by people there and I was still interested in it but hesitant to go through this or whatever. And then I kind of found out too at the last minute, but it all came together. And I think it's like one of those things where you go through all that to get to this point and set up that mountain. And I'm really, truly grateful for it all. And I appreciate all this. Thank you. Thank you everyone. Well, we have time for another person. Oh, I see one of those. No. I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. And unlike a lot of days, I don't care much for being a drug addict or an alcoholic, but when I'm here with all you, I feel grateful that I'm able to share this with you all today. And I was thinking, in the beginning when we were reading how it works... A line jumped out at me today for some reason, a line where it says about growing on spiritual lines. And while we were really reading it, I started thinking spiritual lines and I started thinking fishing lines and then I started thinking thread, and I started thinking that the whole thing for me about trying to find how higher power works without theism in AA and how I can make that work is really just kind of like a thread thing. You find a thread on your pants. If I see this thread and I think, well, I pull up and then I find, oh, I'm mad at God when I pull a little further And then I'm mad at anybody who thinks anything good about God. And then a little further, and then I mad at AA. And then mad at the church my parents raised me in. And then i mad at my mom for making me be in that church. And then, I'm poor, and I'm finding all these things. And it's just, it dawned on me that that whole thing about exploring my spirituality and exploring how I could make higher power work for me in the program of AA was just the tip of the iceberg. That's what I learned today. And so, I've just had all these incredible amounts of thoughts that have made my sitting more challenging. But I've learned something today and I've been coming to these retreats since they started. And I learn something new every time that I'm here. And I'm grateful for the energy that I've experienced with all you here today. That'll pass. Well, with a few people in the midst, are you okay not speaking? Is that a problem? Okay. Well, we'll catch you tomorrow. So we'll end with a two minutes of sitting. I think that's what we said. So I'll turn the lights down, and you can find the way you'd like to sit. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. . . Thank you. Thank you. . Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. so that we and the world together may realize the food of life. If we just put the room back together and go right to Blundit for tomorrow, is that what you're going to say? Anything else? 6.30 tomorrow 6.25 and now we're doing local silence and it will be good to keep it going through tomorrow Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.