Substituting the Truth for Your Version of the Past – Sandy B.

Okay. Well, good evening, everybody. My name is Sandy Beach. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Sandy! And I'd like to also thank Lee for putting this on and all the work that goes in. And I was sitting up here looking. He has the best collection of AA photographs as you look around the room. And if you knew, you ought to challenge yourself to come back next year and be able to name everybody in all these photographs. So I'll give you a clue. The one over there with Bill and the lady sitting next to him is Bill and Ruth Houck, who typed our big book. So if you want to know, and she also became our first secretary for Bill and up in the New York office and was there for quite a few years. So we owe a lot to that young lady over there. So now you know one photograph anyway. The rest you'll have to figure out yourself or ask people. and I've enjoyed hearing a lot of my favorite speakers this is a rare event although it appears to be catching on like the flag you started something Bob now I love them but you got to admit they're a little bit of an endurance contest and you know i'm getting older and this is i'm going to stay glued with my attention for eight straight hours it's a little hard but with speakers like this it's actually easier than you might imagine and dick mentioned when he was up here speaking given that wonderful talk that And he likes to produce and do these things. And you should be aware of a DVD that he did on AA History. And it's called House Full of Miracles. And it was produced to fundraise for Dr. Bob's house out in Akron. And so if you see Dick after the meeting, it is beautiful. This is just a work of art. And if you see Dick after the meeting, he can tell you how to get it. You ought to put it in your collection. And the other person I wanted to mention is Tom I. And what he means to me. When I come to a convention and there will be Tom, he's always talking to somebody and always helping them. And I look over, and all I have to do is see his silhouette or his outline. And I know deep down inside of me that all is well in God's world. That's how powerful a figure he is. He is just the pillar that holds everything up with unlimited power to share. I don't know where he gets this resource. He must have a deeper well than I do. Tom, you must have tapped down way down. It's never-ending, the resources that come out of it. So he's obviously one of our heroes. He was here a long time before I got here. And he and Chuck Chamberlain mean a lot to me. And they're totally different types of personalities, but they mean a lot to him. I'll just get this out of the way now. As you know, my daughter was here last year. And for those of you that never met her, there's a couple of photographs in here, and feel free to look at them after the meeting, refresh your memory on who she was. And she had five years in AA. Matter of fact, when they let us into her house, they had a balloon with a big five and it was still holding air. So it was that close to her fifth anniversary. And I have two daughters in AA And when your children join AA, trust me, the relationship with them becomes, it jumps way up. It just becomes a new thing because you're all talking the secret language that her other brothers and sisters, they just see it and they appreciate it because they saw their two sisters just going down, down to the bottom and they're so grateful that they're back. And so it happens automatically that there's an extra closeness that happens when you get in the program. Her sister has 11 years, Conway, and a lot of you may have met her. She's been to a lotof conferences. And, God, I guess it was 15 years ago, somewhere in there, She was a hopeless mess, absolutely a hopeless mess. I went over and picked her up off the streets of Orlando one Christmas and flew her up to Father Martin's. And Barbie, her younger sister, paid for her to go there. Years later, Conway took Barbie to Father the Martins, just to show you how this works. And Conway couldn't, I mean, you couldn't believe anything she said. She was absolutely unreliable. I'd call up and now her money's gone. No, I have a job. No,I don't have a Job. My car was repossessed. My furniture is all out in the street. I mean it was just. And she comes into AA, and she was the one that found Barbie lying on the ground and handled everything. She called the police. She called her family. She stayed there. She was the centerpiece of strength in handling this whole situation. And this is somebody you couldn't trust with an ice cream cone. you know 10 years earlier and she's just in charge she stills up there straightening the detectives out and wanting to know when the hell are you going to get something and working with barbie's kids one of them finally asked her to be her guardian and so you can imagine you know when somebody dies it's bad enough but when all the police and the press and everything is involved, it gets more complicated. And there's Conway. Now her two brothers came in, or all three of them actually, and they really pitched in. So it was very frustrating because I had just gotten out of surgery and I couldn't travel yet. And so I just felt like I was left out. But the boys, everybody just handled it extremely well. and so chris and i uh he he just takes care of me so he flew up for the memorial service with me and uh it was still hard to walk and he's just sort of carrying me and cheering me up and making things happen and they had this thing probably 50 family members and 300 aa people had a really really delightful, honest celebration of somebody's life. And that's what happens in AA. You celebrate it. And afterwards they had a reception and they had people from all over. And I got to visit with people I grew up with. And it just turned out to be an amazing, amazing event. Now the lesson that I want to share out of this is really powerful. Because I saw some things over my years of sobriety that were amazing, and I paid attention to them. Now, when you see things that are amazing, you should pay attention to him. And the first one that I saw was back when I was in Washington, D.C., I was watching the local news, And this African-American mother was being interviewed by the TV people because her son had just been murdered by another kid. And her son was one of the ones that attends schools, going to be a good kid, and happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. So the reporter knew he had a juicy story here because he's going to go up and ask the mother how she feels, you know, and that will bring on some kind of a nervous breakdown, and their ratings will go up, and it'll be wonderful. And he said, how do you feel about the boy that shot your son? And she said, I've already forgiven him. And she was as calm, and I knew that she was probably connected to a very powerful church and understood the workings of God to a deeper level than I did. But I didn't miss that. I looked at that and I went, until I saw that, I didn' t know that was possible. I thought you had to stay angry for a year, maybe ten, and then bring up the word forgiveness. And here it's happening as the event happens. And of course I knew that God forgives us while we're screwing up right while we' re doing it. We' re already forgiven. So that was a very powerful lesson. I remember telling Chris about it, and I could still see that lady. And then another lady down in Tampa did the same thing. And it was the same, no, I've already forgiven. And then the third one was the Amish when you all saw that on television, and that family went over the very same day. The point of this whole story is if you do things in that moment, It will reap benefits beyond your wildest dreams. And so having had that, and it just stayed inside of me so deep that when my daughter Conway called me and said, Are you sitting down? And I didn't know what to think. So I said, Yeah, okay. And she started sharing. I just found Barbie, and this is what's going on, and this ist what's gone on. And while she was sharing, I knew that I had to accept this 100% that from this second on, my relationship with Barbie is on a new level. And from now on, my relationship will consist of memories and stories. And I'll be able to tell stories about her and we'll share memories and that's the new relationship. and I also knew that whoever did it, I already forgave and I could feel it and I remember that lady and I just went there and so the reason I'm telling you that is all that was left for me to endure was sorrow. There was no anger, there was no resentment and there was not there was hatred. now if you start thinking about these things the most painful thing you can have is hatred anger and resentment sorrow god helps you with he just comes into your heart and says here let me hold you resentment he says if you forgive it'll go away i ain't forgiven i'm not doing that or this whole routine why should this happen why now why did the universal out i mean you could The whole thing, those are all ego games. They're all generated by the human ego demanding to know why my life would have this happen. You know, it's almost righteous indignation over an event that has already happened. And so I learned out of that that when you shut the door as the event happens, Like if you learn you have cancer or you just found out that somebody's leaving or whatever it is. If acceptance is done at 100%, the ego never comes back to knock on the door and bother you about it. It's almost like it's permanently blocked out for me to play the game of, well, why did this happen? And I've got to get that guy, and whoever it is, and I hate him. You know, all of that doesn't get to play. And I'm just astounded because I'm up here to tell you that that's what happened because of those teachers that I had. It is just amazing. Now there's times when my sorrow kicks in and I miss somebody, but I'm not angry at anybody. And so that's, you know, when you were reading and had the moment for Barbie, I was hard not to cry. But it was a celebration. And for the rest of my time, I will just celebrate her. And as far as I'm concerned, I still have six kids. And that's just the way it's going to be. And she'll always be part of the deal. So now I've covered all that. So we can move on to something else. Oh, and I forgot. I got so many phone calls. I got 250 cards. Groups got together and had everybody sign. I even got a card signed by all the members of an Al-Anon group in Alaska. And, of course, that card is twice as powerful as an AA card. You get one of those, you get twice the comfort. So, and I have that collection. I just, I don't know what to do with it. It's just so amazing. Anyway, I wanted to get that out of the way. And, of course, thank you for all your prayers. I know there were prayers going on everywhere. So thanks a lot. One of the phrases that stuck in my mind was Dr. Bob's thing, keep it simple. And over the years I've thought about how powerful that is and how wonderful it is. Alcoholics don't like simple. they just don't like it because there's no wiggle room you know when they just say well just don t drink that'll really make a big dent in your problem yeah but my problem is a lot more complicated than that I don't have a problem that can be solved by just not drinking I have my childhood, and they say, just don't drink. And all of spirituality is simplicity. Simplicity means getting to the essence of something, getting to the real truth, getting to the bottom line, as they say. And since we're complicated people, all our thinking is complicated and our speaking is complicated. And when I sponsor people and they share at discussion meetings, you know the topic could be resentment. Well, when I have a resentment and I go over here, of course on the other hand there's a resentment. And then sometimes there's this and then I call my sponsor and then and the material they cover is really accurate and it's good. But I challenge them. I go, you know, everything you said is really right on target. Can you say it in two sentences? Can you go back to that package of presentation that you just made was about six paragraphs and reduce it to two sentences. And once they understand that it's not an insult, it's not a put down or anything like that, they start trying to do that. And every one of them reports to me how much fun it is. How much fun it isto take your own comments and cut them down by 75 percent and see what's left and And see if you don't understand what you were saying better than when you said the long statement. And it's a fun game. So, when I think of keep it simple, I think about that exercise. Reducing it down to the, you know, that great sentence, it works, it really does. That's a pretty simple statement. But look how much it says. Or God is everything or he's nothing. I mean, there's so many of these type of sentences. And so I just salute Dr. Bob for that admonition to all of us to stop complicating it. Now, why would I complicate it? Because I like problems. I want to assert my dominion over my territory. And so I start laying on complications so that no one can undo these great problems that I assembled. It's not something you can just blow down like a match pack. This is weaving, woven with complications and subplots and all kinds of things because I want to defend my anger and resentments and all these things and keep them alive. It's very stupid, but it's also very human. It's just how we seem to function. We just love to grab any kind of bad news and bring it home into a big story. Why are you so sad? Oh, wait till you hear this. Wait till you Hear This. I went to this conference, and the second speaker was wearing a tie just like mine. Making me look pretty stupid. Not only that, he knew I was going to wear that tie. And I suspected this for a number of years. I thought he was my friend. We were really close. When I saw that tie, I realized all of it was a charade on his part and that he never had my best interest at heart from the day we met. That's not bad for just one tie, right? And if you tell it right, you're going to get some sympathy. God, that was awful the guy did that. So we sure enjoy creating problems. And we've got to start honoring that. We've gotto start admitting it because it's the only way to stop doing it and to get out from under it. And so I think I talked about this. I don't remember where I was, but I was talking about how we can undo a problem before it really takes impact on ourselves by just seeing ourselves. Well, here I go. Remember that? Who was it? Reagan. There he goes again. Here I go again. I just saw something on the news. Minor little item, but it's not minor to me. And I just grab it and pretty soon I've got this new thing to talk about. and that's why keeping it simple is so powerful I just wanted to get a plug in for that I guess I'm supposed to tell part of my story so I'll tell you that I was born in 1931 obviously that was right at the end of the depression I don't remember it because I was too young but I do remember my parents talking about it and how my father graduated from Yale and was an engineer and he got a job building a big bridge up in Albany and he had been on the job about three months and 1929 came along and nobody had a job and how he just that was his moment into the employment market, and so he came back and the university gave him kind of a janitor's job just to keep him employed. And he stayed at that university until he retired and worked his way up until he was the number two man in charge of maintenance and construction. And he enjoyed it, and he liked it, And he was very creative and came up with a lot of good ideas. And private industry saw all these great ideas that he was having and offered him three or four times the money to come and leave the university and go work for them. But he knew how dangerous it was if you went out into the marketplace. You only kept your job for three months, so he was never going to leave there and go out. It shows you how long the effects of one experience can have And you just stay in that. No, it's not safe out there. Money may be good, but it's not safe. So I do remember that and my mother going, well, what are you talking about? No, we're better here. We're betterhere, Mary. I can still hear him saying that. And clearly the big event was World War II. That was, you know, I was 10 when it started and 14, 15 when it ended. So I have a vivid recollection of the impact that that had on our family and on our country. And so it's, I suppose we'll never see that kind of unity again. I don't know, maybe. But we sure had a common enemy. And everybody understood it. And in that sense, it reminds me of A.A. I mean, we all have a common enemy and we know if we don't stick together, we're going to lose. And so that stifles a lot of squabbling and, you know, arguments and stuff like that within AA because we know if we ruin this damn thing, we are going to suffer the consequences. So it forces us in the beginning to get along. And then we get along because it's so wonderful. We just wouldn't have it any other way. And we had this wonderful tolerance and understanding and care and love. And it all started because we had a common enemy, alcohol. And that's what happened, in my memory, to the country. Man, we better all stick together or we could lose this thing. And that's what happened. And, boy, I can remember the rationing and we had to buy black curtains so that no light could get out at night. And my mother was spotting airplanes. She had her duty to go up on a hill on certain afternoons and call in any airplane that she saw. And my biggest recollection was every six months or so, she'd go through her kitchen looking for another pot or pan that she could take over the center town and throw it in behind this chicken wire enclosure, and they would melt them all down for bullets. And then six months later, well, actually, I don't need this pan. Boy, I think by the end of the war, there'd be two pots and pans left. and um and but but it was there wasn't complaining it was just like yeah that's okay yeah well everybody else is doing it and this and that so it was quite a experience that I had and I will never forget it and my uncle was an air force for the army air corps pilot and I think that influenced me and the military was you know when it was over they just came home And, I mean, a guy in uniform could not buy a drink in a bar. You just couldn't. You couldn't just somebody would come over. What are you having? What are your having? Oh, boy. Oh, Boy. And that actually carried on and was still going on when I first got in the Marine Corps. And then Vietnam came along, ruined the whole damn thing. somebody would come over and spit in your drink and walk away but it's a pleasant thing to have as a kid that particular experience so I just wanted to share it with you my sister and I went to the same church a Catholic church with my mother and father sometimes when he wasn't working. And my sister, who has 33 years in AA as of last month, still lives in Connecticut and still is in love with that church. She walked in and they embraced her and comforted her and she still goes there and thinks it's the greatest thing in the world. I, on the other hand, sitting right next to her had a horrible experience. I was terrified by everything. I knew the Latin, they were saying things about me and the smelly stuff they're shaking around. I didn't know what that was and the little nuns dressed up like Nazis and all that. And the confessional, I was back to that church not too long ago. I hadn't been there in 50 years. And I looked back at those confessionals and I started shaking. Oh God. So for a little kid like me going back there was terrifying because I had figured it all out. I knew what they were doing. They were gathering evidence for later on, on Judgment Day, and they're going to have it all written down. Yeah, you came in here in 1939, and you said this, and blah, blah, blah, and there would be my record. And so I was very uncomfortable with the whole scene. And my sister fell in love with it. So you can see that it's all a matter of perception. Perception, perception, perception. Clancy calls it a disease of perception. I think all of life is perception. There isn't any other part to it. And the secret is to get it changed so that you see things differently. Because if you see a frightening world to live in, that's how you're going to react. And you're gonna be frightened because you open your eyes, there's that frightening world again. I didn't realize that I thought it was frightening you know what I mean I thought the world really was the way I saw it I had no comprehension that everybody else saw it their own way and in a strange way everyone lives in their own little world and they're all different and I remember reading a spiritual book about that where they said In reality, everyone lives in their own little world. And the critics said, yeah, but there's the real world. We all know that. And the author said, well, maybe, but no one lives there. And I got thinking about it and I went, wow. Wow. And so I wanted to change the world that I lived in because it was so intimidating. And the first thing I saw was it would be a better world if I had more money. That was clear. and it would also be a better world if I had a little more control over people and could get them to change the way they behave and the way they treat me. So naturally, I tried to control things. I wouldn't have to do that if the world was a little bit more pleasant to look at. You see, what was driving me to do all these self-centered things with perception and nobody wanted to cooperate. I thought communicating was telling you more about me. Well, let me explain further. Maybe I didn't cover how I like my eggs cooked well enough. So sit down and we'll have some communication. And I just thought if I explained enough, my job was done communicating. I didn't know there was a listening part to communicating. I thought it was just explain myself better and people would understand how to behave. So I just saw all these adversities as my failure to communicate well enough what I needed in order to be happy. That's a rather extreme form of self-centeredness, but I don't know how I could have avoided it. I don'T know how anybody could avoid being self- centered to start with. I didn't start drinking until I was 19 which is, I was going to keep up high grades I had gotten into Yale University and I loved track and I was gonna get on the track team I set some records in prep school but that was a school of about 400 you know, and there's the little league and then there's big league and I got down there and I think they had one world record holder an event that I enjoyed. And when you see what the world record holder does compared to what you do, you go, I think I'm in the wrong place. It was astounding how much better the best is than good. Or almost good. Whatever it was. But I was still going to try out and maybe the coach could improve me or whatever. But I was very nervous about all the people that were there. They all seemed rich and smart, and they all knew each other, and it was like I didn't even fit in there. What am I doing here? I used to work on these buildings in construction, you know, and I would wear dungarees. You know, dungAREES became the in thing. And they called them Levi's and charged triple what the dungARES used to cost. and I wouldn't be caught dead wearing dungarees going out socially. That would be, what are you doing wearing your work clothes out here? And now it's, whew. But I still don't like wearing them because it's work clothes. So you don't hardly ever see me in dungares. I've got one pair and I don't know, sometimes I'll just put it on and go, this is ridiculous. But I'll wear it. I even bought a work shirt, you know, a matching shirt. I would have been better if I put a lot of cement dust on it and a pair of those old work shoes. I would have felt more comfortable so you can see I'm dating myself anyway I just felt like I wasn't going to fit in down there and my roommates are wondering why I'm not drinking and I explained to them and so finally one night I took a drink and when I did the entire world that I lived in became wonderful that's what drinking did to me three drinks and that old world was gone and I'm in a world that is so wonderful I can't believe it and I remember standing there and I went this is what people are talking about when they say isn't it a wonderful world because up till then I didn't have a clue why would you say this is a wonderful world the one I lived in wasn't But this one was. And I loved it. And I became different. I was free. I didn't have any anxiety or fear or anything holding me back. I could be myself. And I talked and I, oh, it was just wonderful. And pretty soon all the people were gone. I kept talking to them. Where are you going? Where are your going? They finally were gone about their business. And I was so excited with this newfound world. I didnít want it to end. So when they left, I went back and had maybe 15 more drinks with the bartender trying to see what advanced wonderful would look like. And I found out that it will get you really sick. Boy, it just got in there and, you know, I'm vomiting. I'm sleeping on a nice cold pile. Staying near the toilet so you can just stand up and puke and lie back down. Learning all the stuff you need later on in alcoholism. But the clue that I like to mention is, the next morning as I sat there probably at 7 o'clock on my bed, the sun's starting to come up. And the thought occurred to me, are you going to drink again? And it was only a millisecond. I went, of course I am. This puking and dying and all that stuff is a small price to pay for what I had last night. There is an alcoholic's mind in action. This puching and dyeing is nothing compared to what I have now. What I had was nothing compared with what I did last night, So I experienced something from alcohol that I was willing to pay a pretty big price for. And the social drinker doesn't have that experience. They don't have an experience that they're willing to die for. They have some fun. Oh, I had some fun when I was drinking. I had a spiritual awakening. They were having some fun! And so that's why I don't understand how they drink, and they don't understand how we drink. It's just two different worlds, the alcoholic world and the non-alcoholic who's drinking. And you've seen it. They have two or three, and then they leave half the drink and go home. And you look at that. It's a clear case of alcohol abuse. leaving a drink there just and you want to go over and make sure nobody's looking finish it off even though you detest it what is that I never drink green drinks so anyone who knew anything about alcoholism if I had told them what I was thinking they would have been able to say, you're an alcoholic. That would be the end of it and I've only been drinking one day. One day. It isn't the drinking, it's the thinking. That's the strangest thinking to have you could possibly have. This is a small price to pay for what I had last night. So I'm rationalizing. Now as the years go on, guess what happens? The fun gets less and the price gets bigger and we're still in the game. And that's how our rationalization has to sharpen up and improve and keep building and explaining and re-explaining. Yeah, I'm in jail, but I might write a book someday about jail, so this is not a totally wasted experience. This is not... I'm going to go to jail. I'm jailed differently than those guys that are in jail. They're not getting anything out of this. I'm getting something out of it. You see how easy it is? You just re-explain it, and it makes sense. Although, I did have a problem near the end. When you get put in a straitjacket that's three sizes too small, It's hard to play that same game because you can't move. But by then it was too late. Anyway, you all know what happens. Your life turns into a mess and you try to make it look like you're still doing okay. So my grades are going down. I'm not on any athletic team. I don't even care about athletics. I'm just getting the school day out of the way so that the real day can start, which is 5 o'clock and you walk into the bar and you know you're going to walk into Alice in Wonderland. One, two, three, I'm here. And it was great. I just stood there going, I am here again. The day is finally starting. And so study or work or whatever it was was the price you had to pay in order to live in the drinking world. That's the way I looked at it, and I thought it was a good deal. And I had a lot of fun. The Korean War was going on, so everybody had to join the military, or the draft was there. So anyway, a bunch of us joined the Marine Corps. And I ended up signing up for flight school, even though I'd never been in an airplane. And I got down there after getting sick and having some problems. I ended up falling in love with it, and I became a pretty good pilot. I would be number two or three going through the 18-month school. And we did the night flying, the formation flying, and the bombing, and the carrier, andthe instruments, and all of the things that lead up to getting your wings. And then I got sent to a fighter squadron overseas, and the war was over. And so we flew high-performance airplanes and drank. And that was kind of the whole deal. If you've never been in a fighter pilot's ready room, there's a board with the schedule on it. There's the lockers and we got our helmets and everything's painted up and we get all these things. And there's an AC Ducey table and a ping pong table. And AC Ducie, which is, what is the real game? Parcheesi? Huh? Backgammon. Backgammon. There was a couple of wild things, and so that was to improve your thinking, and ping-pong was to approve your eye-hand coordination. So none of it was goofing off. You follow what I'm saying? It was all essential. So anyone visiting a ready room would just go, What are they in kindergarten? What's going on in here? And that's how we killed time until you got a flight. And so, God, it was wonderful flying. You know, you're flying front-line airplanes, and for a time we had the fastest plane, then the Air Force gets the fastest airplane, and there's all this bravado and fun, but there was a team, and I liked that. The two outfits that I became members of was the Marine Corps and AA. That's where I belonged. I never belonged anywhere else. And we ended up having six children. I got a whole bunch of duty assignments, and then alcoholism was slowly squeezing the noose to shut off the oxygen, if you know what I mean. On the outside, it looked like I was doing okay. I'm still – I was a flight instructor, and them I got assigned to a photo squadron. and I was starting to shake inside the airplanes and starting to have withdrawal symptoms because I wouldn't drink for 10 hours or so. That was my mistake. My friend Hal Marley in the Air Force, when I got sober with him, a lot of you guys may have known Hal MarLEY, Dr. Gratitude. He handed out the little attitude of gratitude pins and he passed away. But he got sober in 1964, same as I. And he said, well, Sandy, your problem was you should have been taking alcohol up in the plane and just sip, sip, and you won't have withdrawals and you can fly just everything. See, the Air Force, they're way ahead of us. They know the correct way of how to beat withdrawal symptoms while you're flying. But I didn't know that, and eventually it just got terrifying. I probably lasted six months in that squadron with that type of stuff going on. And I think I covered this last year, that my last flight was in the radar plane that had – we had two planes. And this one had a radar guy and we were coming back from across country and I had to get out of the plane. It was the end. You're out of here. You can't stay here. I'm going to have a heart attack. I don't know, but it was like I had to get out of here. I remember doing that, getting a haircut once. I said, I have to leave. I'm not through. Yes, you are. And I'm out. I don'T know if you ever got in those situations where you just have to leave. Sorry. And I said I've got to get Out of here? It had no ejection seat and this guy didn't know how to fly. So I declared an oxygen emergency. The flight leader found an Air Force base. We landed immediately, and I went in the club, and I had a couple drinks, and oh, I feel a little bit better. But I knew, I can't do this anymore. And the next morning, the maintenance people didn't find anything wrong with the oxygen, obviously. And I turned to the flight leader, and I've been doing this 14 years. This is my love, is flying. And I turn to the fight leader and said, I I can't do this anymore. And he said, What? And I said, I can not do this any more. So my alcoholism forced me to hand over the thing I love the most. Just said to him, I can no longer do this. Somebody else flew a plane back. We got back to Cherry Point and I had to go see the colonel. He said, Are you sure? And I told him, I can now do this no more. No explanation. Nothing. and for three months I was doing the legal work and hiding my head because I couldn't look any of the pilots in the eyes and I eventually got orders to be an air traffic controller I didn't kill anybody and two years after that I was in AA and out of the Marine Corps or almost out and that three-month period in 1962 was the most shame i ever felt i hated going in there i didn't want to look at anybody because i knew what they were thinking they were going look at that loser how do we ever get him in here he never should have even been commissioned this is a look at that he can't even look at us that was the feeling and i know i've told this story a number of times But two years ago, I was out in California at the Brentwood group. And they have 500 members. And you get up and somebody with a lot of time gets up and talks about a topic. And then people raise their hand and ask questions. They used to have Chuck Chamberlain there all the time. And the lady was getting her 30-year medallion. And her husband was not an AA, but he went once in a while. But that night he was going to go somewhere else. And she told him that Sandy Beach was leading the meeting. And he said, is he a pilot? And she said, yeah. He said, I think I know him. Tell him to come out here. I went out. Here's a guy I never saw before. And he says, in 1962, you were flying in the flight of four airplanes, the F-3D. And you declared an oxygen emergency. And all the planes landed. And you never flew again. And I went, how do you know that? And he gesagt, I was in the plane with you. So all these years later, this guy shows up. at an AA meeting, and it turns out he wasn't a radar guy. He was an American airline pilot that had been recalled for the Cuban Missile Crisis. And it was all pilots because we were going away from a hurricane was coming and you fly the planes where it's safe, then you drink until the hurricane goes away and then you go back. And so the next day he came to the convention and brought photographs of the squadron. And he said, remember this? Here was the colonel. And then he said did you know how popular you were in the squadrons? Did you know how it broke everybody's heart that the colonels were trying to find some way to fix this? That was all we were doing was trying to save your flying status. Nobody knew about AA and they had no alcohol programs. So I don't know what they tried But he said, when you left, it almost broke our hearts. It hurt so much. And I went, well, that's not the way I remember it. So it seemed that my version of 1962 was wrong. And I had to go back 42 years and change the past. I had to wipe out my version of what happened and put in the truth. And now it feels great to think about that time. I bet you didn't know you could change your past. Well, you can. By substituting the truth for what your version was. And it applies to every aspect of our lives. And that's what spirituality is, is getting rid of old ideas and putting in a loving perspective that we only can get by being God-centered on every event that ever happened. And that is why we have the feeling that our family straightens out when we get sober. You know what I mean? And friends are different. And maybe high school wasn't so bad. And maybe that bully really wasn't that bad. And maybe he came from a broken home. And maybe, that's how his father taught him, maybe and suddenly, rather than demand that we be understood, we start trying to understand other people. And as a result, we see everything differently and it becomes a much more pleasant path. It becomes a much more pleasant present. And it guarantees that we're going to have a pleasant future. Isn't that an interesting transformation that can occur as a result of our 12 steps? So if you're new, there's a lot in store for you. And the three people that came up to get the book, I'm sure that they're experiencing some pain. Every new person is experiencing pain. This is a lot. It's traumatic to be dumped into AA. Nobody comes here voluntarily. Hey, I think I'll get AA on my resume and then I can get a good job. And I'm not really an alcoholic, but I'm going to go over there and hang around because they don't check, you know. They take your word for it. You can come in here. Well, it turns out we don't have many phonies who come in. Come in here a little. And generally, it wasn't your idea. It was somebody else's. the police, your parents, whatever, some outside force, and you're here. And if you'll stick around, you're going to stand up here someday and say, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. That night when I went up and got that book from Tom Ivester, I didn't want to be here, and they pushed me up there and then had this stupid sobriety countdown, and I'm the damn loser. And I am so happy that that happened to me, so if there's somebody else out here, then you're going to be telling everybody the good news. And that's what AA talks are all about, is to spread the good new. In the Bible they call it the gospel. And it's the same message because it has to do with the good news that comes from God. That is the good News. That's the good New. God. And you are going to be led down a path that will introduce you to your own creator. And you will experience it and you will go, wow. Well, I just felt the presence of my own creator. And it will no longer be a theory. Maybe before this you were taught about God and now you're going to experience God. And all of your experiences with God are going to constitute your understanding of this wonderful divine source of love. I've had a lot of these experiences with God I like to say the word it just makes me feel good and I like the word I like feeling the presence so I went through these events that just happened recently and I meant to mention that even when I found out what happened to my daughter I did not have any feelings that this is an unfair God and how could he allow this to happen or any of that stuff. I just was glad he was there to help me. And I knew that Barbie was there with him and should be celebrating and if there was some way that we could magically bring her back, she'd refuse to come. I'm not leaving here. That's how I feel. And so I was at the club And it was about two weeks ago. We have a club called Yana, You Are Not Alone. It's my favorite AA meeting I've ever been to because it has one of everything in there. Boy, we got PhDs, street people, and old and young, and every color and every nationality. And I just love the diversity. I just loved how this person sees it this way and this person see it that way. And, you know, you go back to when I first came in, big snob. I'm not going to listen to some guy from the south. I'm Not Going to Listen to Somebody Who Didn't Even Graduate from High School. What are you going to learn from them? How about everything? Boy, you don't know where you're going to get these gems of wisdom and power. It's just amazing. And I was sitting there, and about halfway through the meeting, I felt a breath. And it just filled my lungs, and it felt like I had a cushion underneath me. And I just said, you know, thank you. I can feel you're here. And it was almost like, you Know, I already knew you were there, but I appreciate this too. This really helps a little bit. But it's those kind of things that happen, and you realize you really are right in God's hands all the time, even if it doesn't look like it. That's where you are, and there's really nothing to worry about. What could happen? So that was a wonderful feeling. And I know if you knew, you'd probably go, this is just way over my head. I don't know what he's talking about up there. but part of you knows what I'm talking about part of you knew this stuff all the time in order to not feel it, you had to deny it you even had this feeling inside of you that something was missing that something was missing and you weren't quite sure what it was and they told me when I was young well that's God that's what's missing in your life and I'm going yeah yeah yeah that's a very interesting theory but I can tell it's not God that's missing it's money that's what's missing I mean look at my bank account there you see what's missing it's not God that's not what God no it's okay so I got money and you still feel that way yeah but it's a relationship that's what's missing that's what's missing it's not God it's not God well I had everything and so we have this interesting situation that we have one result in a it's spiritual awakening that is the result that we get from working all these steps and it fixes all our problems so if spiritual awakening fixes the problem what's the problem That is being fixed. It's not money. It's we miss God. That's what that yearning was. And we thought it was money. We thought it were sex. We thought of all these things, but it really wasn't. And we've had our friends tell us that Carl Young told us that. He thought that alcoholics had an inordinate longing for God. And that's why we were seekers after that booze, and we went after it so hard to try and find a way home, to try to reestablish where we started from. And it looked like it was working, but it was the wrong higher power. And so even if you're brand new, the fundamental concept of a higher power is already inside of you. And it is going to be reawakened through these steps. And when it comes to blossom inside ofyou, you're going tobe so grateful. Most of us end up saying, I'm glad I was an alcoholic. That I was driven down to the point where I find this. The whole trip was worth it. the nut ward, the losing the career, all of those things are a small price to pay for what I have now. And that's a full 180-degree change of perspective. And so on behalf of everybody in this room, I want to tell you new people that you are blessed. You have how many? Five, six hundred new friends who will really help you anytime you want it. Thank you all very much. Thank you, Fred.