Stopping the Performance to Find Actual Willingness – Bob D.

About This Speaker Tape

A deep-seated sense of not fitting in was a malady that predated Bob D.'s first drink at age twelve. He traces his trajectory from a juvenile delinquent stealing whiskey to a paranoid schizophrenic on speed eventually landing in a cycle of relapse and self-loathing. Bob dismantles the delusion that he could ever return to the 'party' of his youth describing the slow tedious death of alcoholism as being 'kicked to death by rabbits.' He recounts his turning point in a Las Vegas hospital where he finally stopped fighting the program and began to hear others.

Through the grit of 12-step work and the act of self-abandonment—specifically helping a desperate man in a county hospital—Bob found a way to love the parts of himself he previously hated. He emphasizes the necessity of intertwining one's roots with the fellowship to avoid toppling over under the weight of one's own ego.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Bob D. introduces himself and discusses the difference between abstinence and freedom.
• 5:15 Bob describes his childhood feeling of being 'wired' and not fitting in with others.
• 8:40 The first drink: stealing a bottle of Seagram 7 at age twelve.
• 15:20 Discussion of the 'phenomenon of craving' and the physical allergy to alcohol.
• 22:10 Bob's descent into drug use, speed, and heroin, and the 'dance of death'.
• 31:45 The 'kicked to death by rabbits' metaphor for the progression of alcoholism.
• 42:10 The encounter with Woody and the refusal of bail; a lesson in surrender.
• 51:30 The rock bottom: attempting suicide on a bridge with a bottle of Wild Irish Rose.
• 58:15 Bob's first successful connection in AA and the start of his sponsorship with Dick D.
• 1:05:20 The importance of the Big Book inventory over the 12 and 12 approach.
• 1:15:40 Laughter: The story of the man in the fetal position and the night at the county hospital.
• 1:28:10 The metaphor of the 250-foot redwood trees and the necessity of community roots.