Stopping the Mental Argument to Surrender the Ego – John D.

father john doe's story has been an inspiration to thousands not only because he was the first catholic priest to join aa but because he has the gift of pinpointing the emotions and frustrations of the alcoholic and other victims regardless of age sex or background and to help them recognize the symptoms of the disease in themselves while there is nothing more tragic than the disintegration of the human being there is no message that carries more hope than the story of human rehabilitation thus it is that whenever a member of alcoholics anonymous speaks at an aa meeting it is practically a universal custom that he first identify himself as an alcoholic in doing this he usually retell certain incidents of his past living which indicate that he is an alcoholic contrary to common opinion this is in no way a public confession it is done for four very definite reasons which experience has taught to be of great value in the maintaining of sobriety in the alcoholic. The first reason is so the listeners may know that the speaker is an alcoholic and therefore qualify to speak at an AA meeting. Hence, the qualification may be as sharp as simply saying, I am an alcoholic, or it may be as detailed as the individual himself may choose. The second reason is to offer an opportunity for the alcoholic to achieve a sense of humor towards his past drinking escapades. Fulton Oursler, the well-known writer and newspaper columnist, although he himself was not an alcoholic, points out why this is so in the following words. Quote, The alcoholic must have a sense of humor. It is only thus that he will be able to reach that godlike state wherein he can laugh at himself which is a very height of self-conquest. Go to meetings and listen to their laughter At what are they laughing? At the horrible memories over which weaker souls would cringe in useless remorse The third reason is to help some in the audience who may be looking for the exact pattern that the speaker has to solve their own problems and to encourage particularly the newcomers in their striving for sobriety The final reason, which is perhaps the most important is to help himself, particularly as it is necessary in the repeating of one's story to deepen ever more and more the conviction which he dare not ever lose, namely that he is and will always remain an alcoholic. The following is a qualification of Father John Doe. It has been given to AA groups throughout the United States and Canada. We have knowledge of thousands of individuals who have been greatly helped by hearing this story their letters of appreciation and their comments are too numerous to mention we now bring to you on record this same story with a fond hope that many many thousands more may be helped in their struggle to obtain and maintain sobriety and to understand alcoholism and the alcoholic we give you father John Doe alcoholic now I am a Catholic priest of the Arch Diocese of Indianapolis in Indiana. I am a member of the Indianapolis Group of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I am an alcoholic. I was ordained to the Catholic priesthood in 1929, and I believe that at that time I was as sincere in my vocation as any priest that was ever ordained. however in the back of my mind at that time was a very definite fear and that fear was that I might become an alcoholic and the reason for that fear Was that my dad had been an alcoholic I had not known him very well in life he died when I was only four and a half years old but I'd heard the family talk and I was raised with the conviction that the worst possible person in the world was an alcoholic, and I didn't want to be one. So on the occasion of my ordination, I made a decision. I made a decision that I would not partake of intoxicating beverages for a period of one year. Now why I only said one year, I'll never know. I suppose it was the beginning of my rationalizing mind that always liked to keep a door open for future reference. But anyhow, I make such a decision." Well now it so happened after the first year in the priesthood that the Bishop of Indianapolis sent me to New York City to post-graduate in the School of Education at Fordham University. That was during the last days of prohibition. And if any of you happened to have been in New York at that time, you would remember that every few days someone deposited a little pamphlet upon your doorstep. And in that little pamPHET were listed all the various types of liquors and liqueurs and rums and wines and champagnes and what have you call such and such a number we deliver within one hour which they did everybody drank in new york at that time both socially and anti-socially and so i rationalized to myself i thought well now this is a wonderful opportunity for me to find out whether i am an alcoholic so on occasion i accepted my first highball oh it didn't seem to affect me in any untoward manner at the time but you know i can look back now, having had the opportunity to analyze the circumstances much more clearly in these past few years, and I can see from that very first partaking of alcoholic beverages to any extent that there were very definite and very positive, although very slight, very definite and very positve changes in my attitudes. In my attitude toward God, toward my fellow man, toward my neighbor toward myself i think my case was very average there was no evidence of increase in the beginning and i came back to indiana and i was appointed to teach in high school now that was still during the days of prohibition and in indiana we didn't have little pamphlets coming up to the doorsteps every few days we had to drive down to a little town in the southern part of the state jasper and buy five dollars a gallon and then go to sears and robot and get a charred cake for $2.98, put that on your radio for $0.98 and you had pretty good liquor. If you couldn't wait 90, 60 didn't do too bad a job. Well, it seems after a few years that the bishop found out that I was drinking much too much for my own good. And he asked me to go to a sanitarium in St. Louis, Missouri. Well I went to this sanitarum and there I had my first experience with the psychiatrist. Now, I do not want to decry psychiatry nor psychiatrists. I very definitely feel that we have a great need for good psychiatrist in this world. But anyhow, this individual, he happened to be a very pompous gentleman. I've always been afraid of running into him in some of the groups along the way. And he had me to sit down and he asked me a lot of questions and i gave him a lot of answers some true mostly false and then the question father how much do you drink in my answer not much at all beer once in a while but it doesn't bother well he didn't want to make of that he leaned back he scratched his head he said well i don't know father he said you've told me a little bit about other things here now for several hours now you say you don't drink he said i believe you're a hopeless neurotic he said what's your bishop's name i'll call him and tell him so well that frightened me and i got to the phone before he did and i called the bishop and called him long distance and told him i was feeling fine again i'll go right back to work well he in his very fatherly way told me to take the train back to new york city to re-enter fordham and to remain there for a master's degree i went back to new york and for a period of 10 months i did not drink i was afraid to however at the end of 10 months uh the first week in april i received my master's degree in the second week someone offered me a drink on occasion and i took it again the increase was not noticeable i came back again to indiana i was appointed as assistant pastor in several parishes and then i received my first appointment as pastor i was pointed as pastor of the little crossroads church of snake run indiana which they did as a matter of fact i was only pastor there for about 16 months when the bishop found out that i was drinking much too much for my own good or anybody else's as far as that goes and he sent me a letter and it wasn't too nice a letter either because in this letter he told me that he was hereby relieving me of my pastoral appointment and directing that I should return to Indianapolis to be assistant pastor of GAM. Of course, he gave us the reason that he wanted me to be near him, but I never did believe that one. And he also in this letter asked me first to go to Sacred Heart Sanitarium in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Well, I went to this sanitarium and there again I met a psychiatrist and he again asked me a lot of questions and I again gave him a lot of answers, mostly not true. Then the inevitable question, Father, how much do you drink? and the inevitable alcoholic answer not much at all beer once in a while but it doesn't bother sometimes two beers well you know that always seemed to stun because he leaned back too and scratched his head he said well I don't know father from all the things that you've told me we've been sitting here discussing your problems for several hours now you say you don't drink he said I believe you're a manic depressive well i didn't know what that meant at the time i remember when i got to my room i looked it up in the dictionary and i closed it in a hurry because it means well it means you're a little bit crazy but i stayed at this sanitarium for a period of seven weeks and then i became restless to go home i told the doctor so and i said furthermore doctor i can go home and i can do at home everything that i'm doing here well he gave me an answer which at the time didn't mean very much but again since I have had opportunity to analyze his answer much more clearly in these past few years, I can see the wisdom of his answer and his answer was father you can but you won't which I didn't I did go back to Indianapolis but I set about immediately to convince the bishop that he was wrong that he had made a mistake that he had misjudged me i used every opportunity to bring this to his attention only as an alcoholic can for 10 months again i did not drink i was afraid to uh you know it seems that fear lasted about 10 months in the upper parts of my consciousness and then fear left and so did sobriety so at the end of 10 months someone offered me a drink on occasion and i took it this time the increase was very rapid and right in the middle of it i get another letter from bishop oh this was a nice letter in this letter he told me that he had been convinced that he'd made a mistake he felt he had misjudged me and so in order to make up for it he was hereby appointing me as pastor of a city parish in indianapolis well of course i was very much elated by that so-called victory, and that wasn't good at all. I remember the appointment took effect at the beginning of Lent, and I suppose as sort of a subconscious struggle for a bit of honesty, I made up my mind that I wouldn't drink anymore during Lent. I got by 10 days. In fact, I never got by any longer after that. As a matter of fact, i was only pastor at this parish for 12 months when bishop found out beyond any shadow of a doubt that he had been right in the first place and then he sent me a letter that was a honey and in this letter he told me to go to sanitarium in the northern wilds of wisconsin until further notice now that might have meant six months six years our life for all i knew but i as a priest and he is my superior and bishop, I had to go. But you know, I have a very close friend to take with me. A friend of long years standing. And that was my rationalizing mind. We sat down, we figured it all out. But well, I can drive up there and every day I can ride around the countryside and relax. I called a personal friend of mine in Indianapolis in order to case a liquor. I remember I fit it in my Gladstone bag perfectly, six on each side. Of course, you had to take out some clothes but that wasn't too important. so i rationalized to myself i thought well now i'll have a nice long rest and relaxation out of this that's been my trouble i've been working too hard so off i set to the sanitarium well when i got there i found out they didn't allow those things there as a matter of fact the bishop had sent word that i should dispose of my car immediately and that I should never again in the future drive nor own a car without his written permission. Well, of course, everything being taken away from me so suddenly, you know, I was a bit upset and nervous and jittery and sick and I called for a doctor and I got a psychiatrist. And he asked me a lot of questions too and then, Father, how much do you drink? I said, well, Doctor, I haven't had a drink since I've been here. 48 hours. Well, he didn't know what to make of it either. he scratched his head and he said well i don't know father he said now uh all the other problems we've been discussing between us here you say you don't drink he said i believe you're a schizophrenic and he says i think the shock treatments will help you well i didn't know what either the shock treatment or schizophrenia was i thought the shock treatments were some kind of massages you know to relax one well anyhow the next afternoon, a limousine came up to the sanitarium. It called for me by name. And I got into the limousines and we drove out into the country. And as we were driving along, I was admiring the beautiful architecture of the various estates as we passed them. However, soon we came to a very large estate. And, as I was admiring the buildings, we came to the front entrance. And there over the gate was inscribed in letters of iron, the Wisconsin State Hospital for the insane and in we went well i thought this is the end of the road but i was there so i took the shock treatment eight of them oh they might have quieted my metal upset a bit i suppose my nerves somewhat i don't know but they had no effect on my alcoholic problem in fact i was at this sanitarium for 11 months and certainly during that time i had readjusted again to fidelity to prayer and meditation and the various other obligations that we have as priests so when the bishop sent word that i should report to his office in indianapolis i again was very much elated and that wasn't good i don't know what i expected perhaps i thought he was going to give me a nice big parish for having been up there 11 months i don' t know but i do remember that i came back to indianapolis in a very expectant frame of mind and that was not good and i went to his office and i sat down and he began he said well ralph he always called him by my first name we used to be good friends in the old days he said i'll give you another chance he said you can go up such and such a parish and live there for a while he said I don't know whether the pastor will take you or not he says I haven't talked to him as yet but he says anyhow he's I don'T think there's a chance in the world for you he says i am convinced you're absolutely hopeless well there i said a hopeless neurotic manic depressive schizophrenic with the bottom of the world dropped out from under me many of you know what that meant an influx again of fears and phobias and resentments and self-pity and all those things that an alcoholic and only an alcoholic can know so deeply and so well they had never been eliminated from my personality in the past and now they came to the front and all their vengeance i was a very much frightened individual when i went to this rectory i was very much dejected i was afraid to leave the house i thought everyone would be pointing their fingers scorn at me because after all i had been pastor of a parish next door just 11 months before however in spite of all these circumstances just seven days after i had returned to indianapolis from this sanitary a friend of mine came to town called me on the phone and wanted to know if i'd like to take a ride he knew i didn't have a car those things get around you know so i said i would and he came by the rectory and i got into the car and he said how about a little drink well i thought one A little drink won't hurt me. So I took a drink. Well, I don't believe I shall ever forget. And I pray God each day that he shall never let me forget that night and especially the next day. I don' t remember where, when or how the night ended but I do very vividly recall the next day. I had to be on the job and I think I took every pill that I could find in the rectory even all the other good fathers to get by. I was a very much frightened individual. I believe then it was for the first time that it slowly began to dawn on my conscious thinking that maybe, just maybe, alcohol was my primary problem and therefore would have first to be solved before all these other real and imaginary problems which I had always considered much more important and which I always thought would have first to be sought. As I said, I was frightened, I was nervous, I was jittery, I was sleepless. Two weeks later, two o'clock in the morning, the phone rang. Being awake, I answered it with a sick call. I went on the sick call and I found a man in his bedroom on the floor. I thought he was dead. And I hurriedly prepared to give him the last sacraments as we do in our religion just as the doctor stooped over and gave him a shot in the arm and he set up as live as you and I. And the doctor started to slide and he looked over at me and he said, too much liquor and Barberdolls. And I thought, the poor fellow. I remember I told his wife, I said, well, I can't be a lot of help tonight as a priest. I'll come back later tomorrow when he's feeling better and talk to him. So the next afternoon I went back to see him. And as I was waiting for him to come downstairs, I happened to look on the manhole piece and there was the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, naturally, being interested in anything with an alcoholic label. I took the book down and I started to thumb through it. And as he came downstairs, I said, say, what is this Alcoholics Anonymous? Oh, he said, that's a wonderful thing for those who need it. But he said I'm a social drinker. I don't need that. Well, I thought, may I take the book home and read it? He said, sure. He was glad to get rid of it. I think his wife had bought it for him. Well, I took the book home and I read it. Oh, immediately I could see a lot of people whom AA would help. As a matter of fact, I thought right away of several of my relatives who should get into AA. But it was not for me, so I put the book aside. The next day, though, curiosity got the better of me. I picked up the book and I wrote it again. That went on for three or four weeks. and during those three or four weeks I read that book from cover to cover at least 15 or 20 times I couldn't get away from it and I couldn' t stay with it as I said I could see a lot of people whom AA would help but it was not for me because after all I was a Catholic priest now it so happened that the founder of AA in Indiana happened to have been a member of the parish where I was living and he came to the rectory with some pamphlets about AA to acquaint the priest with the moon i was interested and i asked the pastor i said say who brought this liturgy oh he said that was brought by uh one of our parishioners is very high type individual he said a very fine character he says i think he's some big shot in alcoholics anonymous he said i think his president or somebody he didn't know much more about it than i did but i did put that fact into the middle of my revolving brain that was going around at that time at such a terrific pace with all its facts fancies foibles and phobias and finally in sheer desperation 12 years ago last november i picked up the phone and i called this gentleman who had brought the literature to the rectory well uh he only lived a couple blocks up the street and i told him on the phone i said you don't know who i am i'm one of the priests on the rectary but i'm wondering now sometimes i'm no hurry about this at all maybe you could give me a little of your time. He said, I'll be right down. I think he knew more than I thought he did. Well, he got there rather quickly. And getting there so quickly, he caught me unprepared. So I told him about that much of my story. Well he leaned back in his own inimitable way and he said, well Father, I'd suggest you go to a meeting. He says, you'll learn more from one meeting than you will from me talking to you for days. And I said, do you mean I should go to meetings? Now, I said, remember, I'm a priest. And if I go to one of these meetings, what will people think to see a Catholic priest walk into a meeting with a bunch of drunks? Well, he sort of took a pot shot at my ego by replying. He says, oh, Father, I don't think they'll think much at all. He says. Matter of fact, I think they're going to think they'll have enough things their own think about thinking much about you. Well, He had me there. My vanity wouldn't let me say no. So I had to say, yes, I'll go. But inside, I thought, well, now I'll grow as an interested spectator. and who knows someday I might be able to help these poor devils out well uh come meeting night after I had decided not to go at least a dozen or two times several of the members came by the rectory and I went to the meeting well again it seems that divine providence had other designs over and above and beyond my own wheel because I had hardly sat down in the meeting when this gentleman stood up and he said, gentlemen, we didn't have any ladies in those days either. He said, I want to introduce a new member. And so I was hooked. And I wasn't very happy about it either. But then I was afraid to quit. I thought, well, they know it now. What will they think if I don't go back? But fortunately, the first year, I stayed dry and I kept going to the meeting. And as we say in AA, you don't learn AA. AA is not a teaching organization. We say if you stay around AA long enough dry, AA will get you. And you, in turn, will get AA. And so as the days lengthened into months, and the months into a little over the first year, things began to make sense to me. And the darkness of alcoholism began to give way to the brightness of the peace of mind and serenity that so many know today as members of Alcoholics Anonymous. Life took on new meaning, and life took on real motivation. And tonight, a little over 12 years later, the present Archbishop of Indianapolis not only permits me to own and drive a car, but permits me to drive all the way across the country alone with it. Now I'm going to try to answer at this point a question which I feel is uppermost in many of your minds, particularly in the minds of our good non-alcoholic friends. And that question is, what did I, as a Catholic priest, get from Alcoholics Anonymous? Particularly since the 12 steps of AA are a spiritual way of living, what was there for me, a priest who had already spent a lifetime in the study of the spiritual life? Well, I got a lot from Alcoholic Anonymous. I was led to admit once and for all that I am an alcoholic. not that I was an alcohol not that I am an ex-alcohol but I am an alcoholic and therefore will remain an alcoholic until the day I die which means that even though I be dry 10 20 30 40 years and take one drink I cannot guarantee my sobriety that's what makes me different from the so called normal individual although you know something we in AA sometimes wonder who's whom in this normalcy business. I also learned that outside of the alcoholic problem itself, there's little difference between me and my fellow man. Now if you don't believe that, you can go to any AA meeting in the country where it is a public meeting and there you will find many non-alcoholics and many alcoholics. Now after the meeting breaks up, just try to pick them out. If you can't smell them, you can't tell. I also learned that being an alcoholic did not necessarily brand me as a moral degenerate. It simply meant that I was a person that could not tolerate alcohol. If I did not take alcohol, then I could adjust to life just as normally, and even more so, if we could use the term, as any so-called normal individual. I learned that I had a sickness of a threefold character, of mind, body, and soul. and I learned that I must adjust on all three levels morally or spiritually mentally and physically if I didn't I might not stay sober if I did I not only would remain sober but I would be happy and have peace of mind and contentment and live in life as almighty God meant me to live I also learned that being an alcoholic I have a peculiar type nervous system which means that is in relation to alcohol that means that there are certain types of emotional circumstances that I cannot tolerate for long if I do, I'm liable to set off again the compulsion to drink over which I might not have control those circumstances are such as resentment self-pity over hunger over tiredness and the like if i permitted myself to indulge in these circumstances of living too frequently or for two prolonged periods of time i again would automatically set off that craving for alcohol i also learned that for the rest of my life i would be subject to certain cycles cycles of depression shakes nervousness sleeplessness and what have you i learned that if i fought against these circumstances of my life that that very conflict might set off the craving for alcohol over which i might not have control i learned further that i would have about ten thousand to one better chance of retaining these newfound attitudes and this newfound sobriety by remaining among and with individuals who have the same problem that I have than I ever could hope to have on my own, recalling to mind, if you will remember, the words of the good psychiatrist at the sanitarium when he told me, Father, you can, but you won't. You know, we don't know why, but for some unknown reason, the alcoholic personality on the average will not, we don't say he cannot, but he will not continue for long along positive lines of sobriety and thinking and living on his own. He could, but He won't. You know, that's the reason when someone asks me, they say, well, Father, couldn't the church keep them sober? they could but they won't couldn't his family keep him sober it could but it won't we don't know why but the alcoholic will not continue for long along those lines of living i also learned that for the rest of my life sobriety must be my primary concern not necessarily my basic interest in life but my primary concern which means first and before everything else i must avoid that first drink if i don't i'm not going to be any good to god to my friends to my neighbor to my family or to myself i also learned that no matter what problem might arise in my life no matter how complicated the circumstances of my life might become that no problem could become too big nor could the circumstances become too complicated that I would not be able to solve them without the aid of alcohol then too I learned that one of the reasons that the good professional men in the past who treat alcoholics the doctors, the psychiatrists, the clergymen had so little success with the problem is because they did not approach it on the threefold plane of mind, body, and soul. You know what used to happen in the doctor's office? The alcoholic went to the doctor, and what did the doctor say? The doctor said, if you don't stop drinking, you're going to die. He knew that. And in order to make his death a little more palatable, he got himself another field. What did the psychiatrist say? psychiatrist would say if you don't stop drinking you're going crazy he knew that too and in order to make insanity a little more bearable he got himself another fifth what did the clergyman say if You Don't Stop Drinking You're Going To Hell he knew that too and he had been almost there several times and so to quench a few of flames, he got himself another fifth. All these good men were trying to frighten the alcoholic into sobriety, where we find that the alcoholic's primary problem is a problem of fear and insecurity. And that's one of the reasons, at least in my opinion, that the Alcoholics Anonymous program works so well because through a human being is once again set up a contact of confidence and through that confidence set up in another alcoholic the alcoholic again gradually engenders confidence in his fellow man and confidence in God who is the only ultimate source of security and peace of mind and happiness you know a lot of people will ask me why is it that aa works when these other agencies fail well as i said first of all they don't approach the problem on threefold scale of rehabilitation we have a say in aa that only the happy alcoholic will stay sober if the alcoholic doesn't become happy he's not going to stay sober now with mental conflict confusion, moral problems, no one's going to remain happy. Then the group therapy, the establishment of the contact of confidence. One alcoholic helping another alcoholic. After all, that's the whole concept of AA, a group of individuals, each helping the other to achieve and maintain happy sobriety. It's as simple as all that. One alcoholic helping hand in hand and shoulder to shoulder with another alcoholic.