Stopping the Festering Through the Act of Direct Amends – Johnnie H.

About This Speaker Tape

1st Men's Advance - Front Royal, VA - 1998

Johnnie H. maps out the brutal necessity of Steps 8 and 9 framing them as the only path to total freedom from the 'living nightmares' of the past. He recounts the crushing weight of having caused his baby brother's death in 1951 a trauma that drove him to the bottom of the barrel and kept him in a state of absolute despair for years. He describes the ritual of writing a letter to the dead and the annual Christmas tradition of cleaning his brother's grave before serving dinner at a mission. Johnnie also details the visceral physical sickness he felt while driving to Kansas to make amends to his father a man he once spit in the face at a psychiatric clinic. He dismantles the idea of 'psychobabble' and victimization insisting that the only way to stop the emotional festering is to look someone in the eye and right the wrong regardless of whether the other person accepts the apology.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Johnnie H. opens by discussing the transition from faith to action in Steps 8 and 9.
• 3:15 Detailed account of the death of his baby brother and the process of making amends to the deceased.
• 7:40 The story of spitting in his father's face at Menninger's clinic and the shame behind the anger.
• 11:20 The physical sickness and 'exorcism' felt while traveling to Kansas to find his father at a bar called Johnny's.
• 16:45 Discussion on the nature of amends: rectifying a fault rather than just saying 'I'm sorry'.
• 21:10 Reading the Promises from the Big Book and discussing how they materialize after the ninth step.
• 26:30 Laughter: Story about sponsoring 'weirdos' with purple hair who were previously only interested in the dances.
• 32:15 Q&A session: Defining humility as the willingness to look someone in the eye and admit a 'scummy' act.
• 36:50 The story of a sponsee who lived in 'absolute hell' for five years because he hung his parole on the door in Oregon.
• 42:10 Closing thoughts on the difference between formal and living amends.