Steve at the 3rd Appalachian Regional Roundup – 2022

well good morning everyone steve lee alcoholic great to be back with you guys this morning and uh i don't want to forget to say what a great weekend it's been uh how much i appreciate the committee and all the hard work that that goes into this and uh i appreciate ben for the invitation and I really want to thank Bobby for being such a great host this weekend. And, you know, I get that text about every hour and a half, do you need anything? And that's a big question. But the truth is I haven't needed much, but you know he just made himself available to me all weekend and we had a great conversation this morning and just grateful for that. And, you know, there's a few things I want to talk about too. And I think it's on topic. If not, I'll pretend it is. But just came to me as I listened to some people this morning. The first thing I wantto say is, you know, uh, there so much that a guy like me can take for granted and they say a profit in his own land is seldom heard, right? And I am so grateful and blessed to have people in my recovering community like Scott who spoke this morning and like Mike and Diane and the great talk that Mike gave last night. And both of these guys, I've known all of my sobriety, in particular the last 25 years since I moved back to Nashville. I'll tell you, Scott pulled out that nose this morning, right? And those of you who have heard Scott talk over the years know that, as he said this morning. Scott has talked about and followed through on visiting hospitals in clown regalia. But I will share with you this morning something I'm not even sure if I've told Scott. that my daughter was born on December the 17th of 1983. On November the 1st of 1983, my brother and sister-in-law gave Connie and I a baby shower and friends of ours. And they recorded that. At the time, you're hoisting this big camera on your back, right? But we had video of this, VHS video. and Scott was my brother's next door neighbor and they had an annual Halloween party in the cul-de-sac and it seems that they also were filming that Halloween party on October the 31st of 1983, the day before this and when I ran back years later I had a friend of mine who we were going to look at that video of the baby shower We ran it all the way back. The first ten minutes of that is that Halloween party, and Scott is not sober yet. You're not sober that night. He's in full clown regalia with a red nose and conducting interviews with a beer can as a microphone with the young kids. In July of 1989, when I was a few days sitting into a treatment facility against my will to fulfill a legal obligation, not knowing what was in front of me, not knowing whether I wanted to do or would do or could do, Scott showed up at that treatment facility. and sat down, and we had lunch together. And I didn't really know him. I don't know if he knew I was there when he came. All I remember is that we had that conversation. In 1997, when I moved back to Nashville after living in Richmond, Virginia for a few years, the first couple of opportunities I got to speak behind a microphone were because Scott said, why don't you call Steve? Somebody called him to do something. You know, the first four years I spoke, somebody had to die for me to get there apparently or fall terribly ill. So I just want to acknowledge that we travel around a lot. You guys bring people in from around the country. But the truth is I know that day in and day out you're sitting in your home groups with the people that are really changing your lives. And you've got those people when you walk in, when they walk in your home group, when you're sitting there, particularly when you are new. Particularly when I was new. And you see that man or that woman walk in and you just feel like everything is going to be okay. People I hadn't even begun to talk to yet. I didn't have a relationship with yet. I didn' t know them yet. But your heartbeat just slows down a little. And then the next week, boy, I hope he comes. I think that it's either Scott or Mike that mentioned the name Moe Howell in Nashville. Moe was one of those guys for me. When you don't know how things are going to go, like I said, I don't even know what I want, but I just know when you're there, I feel better. A guy named Don P has been mentioned a few times this weekend. Not because I remembered, I saw from a friend that texted this morning that today is actually the 17th anniversary of his passing in 2005. And we're talking about carrying this message, but the message isn't always an oral message. The message is much more about action. The message ist much more abo ut a feeling and an experience that gets passed between people. and Scott can tell us the date I don't know but there was Connie and I went to a little retreat in Nashville that Don and his wife Jackie came to and led and I think 50 people were there and at the end of that weekend we had said our goodbyes and Connie didn't know him she gave him a hug as goodbye as we will here And I did likewise. We got in the car. We start driving home. And Connie began to weep. And she said, there's something about that man. She says, I don't know what it is. And we talked for a little while. And what we came up with was it wasn't the man. It wasn't. The man that had touched us, the man was out of the way. And what an experience that was. And so many people have served that role for me over the years. We had another little men's retreat that Don was at. There were 25 of us men. And believe it or not, 25 people showed up for him to talk about the concepts all weekend. And I didn't give a flip about the concept. I didn' t leave there knowing any more about them than I showed up. I wanted to be with the guy. And, of course, he did what he does is he mostly just told stories. And in one of our breaks, the two things I want to share with you and then move on to more specifics, but in one OF the breaks there was a young guy there, a young man named Matt. Matt was sober a few months, and he was excited to be sober. But there were some things that hadn't found their way back to him yet that he was hoping for and counting on, like his wife and kid and job. And he said, but people in AA tell me to be patient, that everything happens in God's time. And Don said, it's always God's Time. God's ready the minute you are. Not necessarily to bring the wife and kids back. Not necessarily to provide these external things that we all hope find their way to us. But God's ready the moment you are for you to be okay right now as you are, as things are. And later on, this same young man, and see, this young man by asking the questions that I couldn't ask was giving me answers that I didn't know I needed. And he got so excited, he said, man, just being sober is so great. He said, I'm going to live every day like it's the last day of my life. And Don said, I'm going to live every day like it's the last day of your life. And I think the point there was is that on the last Day of My Life, I want cake, cookie, and ice cream, right? He was saying, what if I treated you? What if I provided the—wouldn't all the little things that stand between me and you fall away? If this might be the last time we were together. And I don't mean to live in that fatalistic way like, you know, you're going to get hit by a truck when you leave here. By the way, I don' t see Scott in here. Scott, do not leave without me. I am following you closely home today since you have prayed the way for us on that highway. I'm going to be right on your bumper, brother, because I don''t have that kind of pull. But I tell Connie all the time, Connie's got, she'll pray for parking spots and red lights to turn green. And I say, I don't believe that, baby, but we're headed to the mall, so dial your guy up. We could use a good spot, you know. Because what the hell do I know, right? Right? She read about this 12th step, and that 12th step comes with a...it starts with a declaration and then two calls to action. It starts with the declaration that I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. Then, I'm going to carry this message to other alcoholics and then practice these principles in all my affairs. Having had this spiritual awakening, what am I going to do with it? What's the reason for it? You know, Scott talked about it in almost every step. I'm trying to feel better when in fact what AA is doing is preparing me to be of use to you. And then the paradox is that's what makes me feel better. yet I will fight it every time you know Cliff Roach years ago from Oceanside at our usual suspect retreat and Cliff came to the retreat and he said you know I don't do retreats he said he said I'm the class clown of AA and then he held us in the palm of his hand all weekend and he says I've learned three things for sure and for certain since I've been in AA He said, number one, surrender never looks like a good idea coming upon it. Number two, never has surrender not served me well. Number three, I can never remember number two the next time. Now that's been over 20 years ago and I remember it and I can still often never remember number two the next time you guys are often my example of the number two you guys going through what you go through you guys navigating the terrain of your lives and letting me bear witness to that uh men i sponsor people that that that i have close relationships with that invite me into their lives and let me be witness to your surrender i was talking earlier this morning about surrender you know and and and you know people we how do you surrender you know people will ask me like like I know how to surrender I think I get surrendered I'm not I don't know that it's ever a voluntary thing and but but people see what takes a long time sometimes to surrender and I believe surrenders instantaneous but I believe the preparation for surrender takes a long time. You know, if you hadn't noticed, I'm bald. And I didn't want to be bald. I desperately didn't wanna be bald and so I hung on. You've seen this out there. It's sad but we do it. And, yeah, my daughter came in one night and she caught me experimenting. You know, I was working on different techniques here and trying to get maximum coverage. And, you know,I had so few hairs I'd named them all and given them a responsibility. But she said, Dad, she says, when you're bald, are you just going to be crazy? And I said, no, baby, but this going bald is driving me crazy. I was unwilling to, but now, I got off the phone one night. I was describing myself to a man who was going to pick me up at an airport, You know, hosting this before we're sending pictures to everybody, right? I'm just describing myself to him. And I already know that how I see me is not always how other people see me, right. Yeah, I gave a talk one night in Las Vegas. A lot of people think it's the best talk ever given in AA. And Connie and I headed up to the room later. And she said, you know that last 10 or 15 minutes of your talk? And I prepared myself for a compliment. And I said, well, yes, I do. She said, I would love to meet that guy. She said. I wish you would bring him home sometime. But I'm describing myself to this guy, and I used the word balding. And I got off, and Abby, my daughter, is just shaking her head. She went, Dad, there is no ing. So I went up and shaved my head. Now, this is what surrender looks like on me. But what I'll tell you, being bald has not been hard at all. Being unwilling to be bald was difficult. Resisting being bald while my hair was falling out was difficult, My hairline was not receding, it was in full retreat. But my daily life is littered with opportunities to surrender or resist, to wait. And it is the resistance that seems to always cause me the discomfort, not the surrender. This call to action, have I had a spiritual awakening? How do I know? So that's the first one, when I've come through these steps, whose real purpose is to fit me to be of maximum service to God and my fellows. how do I know if I've had this spiritual awakening you know we go all the way back to when Don was talking about the second step uh Friday night and and this erroneous on my part belief there that that I had to believe and have trust in a higher power at the second step and I did not but it required an open-mindedness and a commitment that if I will follow the directions just like my GPS. It's going to map it out, and I can't tell you how often I'm going somewhere, and it says, you know, turn left at the next light, and that cannot be right. And I don't do it, and you know. Both God and my GPS are both gentle, you No, they go, rerouting. Let's start from here now and figure out how to get where we're going. In fact, I wish my friend Darren was here, but I use the Australian accent. She's just nicer. have i had a spiritual awakening i didn't know if i would know one if i had it i will tell you what it feels like to me today uh i have been spiritually awakened but i have spiritual narcolepsy right i doze off regularly during the day and so this connection what i'm trying to do is be connected to this power greater than myself. I don't know what it is. My relationship, how I relate to this Power, is that my job is to try to get in alignment with it and go where we go. I do not view it as singularly doing anything to me or for me, that I am just trying to be connected or disconnected. And when I'm connected, I seem to have a different experience of you, of me, of the world. So I often tell the story and use the analogy that all the way back when we began to use the 3D movies again, right? And I'm forgetting the name of the movie now, but Connie and Abby wanted to go to it. And on Christmas Day, it's going to be packed. I don't want to go, but I'll go. We're going to the IMAX, right? Last time I'd worn 3D glasses was those old cardboard ones at the drive-in. And I won't tell you the title of that movie. And we go, and then I get in this IMAx theater, and I put on these new high-tech 3D glasses, and I become fascinated with the technology. And I'm watching the screen, right? And I've got the glasses on, and then I take the glasses off and watch a minute. Then I put the glasses On. And when the glasses are off, nothing changes on the screen. It is the same movie. It is the same story. It is the same actors. Everything is the same, but my experience of it is diminished. Number one, it has moved from a three-dimensional to a two-dimensional experience. The colors aren't as vibrant. It's a little fuzzy because when you look at a 3D movie without the 3D glasses on, it's not as clear. So factually nothing is different, but my experience is different. And I think when Chuck C. talks about a new pair of glasses, that's the way I embrace that. When I take these glasses off, quite frankly, I couldn't pick the front row out of a lineup. I can barely tell the difference in Don and Sheldon down there. I mean, usually Don's the handsome one, but it's hard to tell right now. when I put the glasses back on I realize I was wrong neither of them are very attractive my experience has changed when I am spiritually connected Scott referenced it the sixth sense that's not a human sense I have my five human senses, and you add a vital sixth sense. Earlier in the book, we talked about the fourth dimension. We live in a three-dimensional world. And when I'm connected, the fourth dimensional is a part of that. In my experience of you, of me, of life changes. And being spiritually awake, they call to action. And it started over in the 10th step that Scott talked about. When I get to that 10th steps, it says, okay, now, what's my function now? Well, your next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And to do that, you're going to have to be loving and tolerant of all. Love and tolerance of others is our code. So this is the code that I'm adopting to go forward. I land at the 12th step with it. I'm now spiritually connected, but I'm like that bad lamp in your house that blinks on. You know, when you go to it, it comes back on. You start walking away, it goes off again. I'm just on and off all day. You know I had a few years ago, Connie and I, I've had a day where I probably, you know there was frankly just no end to my goodness in the first half of the day. But I honestly had one of those opportunities, and we have them because that's the business we're in. That's the life we're living, that we are in proximity where we get these wonderful opportunities to be helpful sometimes. And that a day where I was helpful. It was really one of Those Things where if you ask this two or three people, I was really able and in a position, not in a grandiose way, but to make an impact in somebody's life in a way that was meaningful to them and meaningful to me. And later that evening, Connie and I were going to a Vanderbilt basketball game late because I was late. And somebody, well, somebody moved into my lane inappropriately, at least by my estimation. And I flipped him off and MF'd him and I'm screaming. And Connie's just laughing at me, as she's wont to do. And then we're looking, and I'm just going, whoa. And I said, now if you track down those folks I was with earlier in the day and said, tell me about Steve, you would get a glowing report. And if you tracked down that guy that I flipped off going to the game and said tell me About Steve, and he goes, you know, that SOB, man? And they're both right about me. See, they're both right. I am both of those things and everything in between. I'm capable. And sometimes the glasses are off and sometimes the classes are on. But more and more, I think, am I willing to try to stay connected? As God says, not that I get knocked off the path. How quickly can I get back on it? How quickly cannot find my spiritual balance? Not so I can be comfortable, so I could be useful and helpful. Have I had that spiritual awakening? Let's assume for the rest of the conversation, I have a nodding acquaintance with it. So now what? Well, we're going to carry this message to other alcoholics. I think Billy spoke to this the other night. What is the message that I have to carry? Well, I think the 12th step calls it out. I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. That's the message I have to carry. Having had it, I carry this message. The message is I've Had the Spiritual Awakening. Oh, how'd you get it? These steps. You interested? I'll tell you what I did. And that's all I can do is carry the message. We have two ways to carry the massage, at least two that I'm aware of and that I utilize. There's the message of recovery that's outlined in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's back in the, I think forward to the fourth edition where it says that that's where the integrity of our message is protected. And then I have my experience with what I saw on that page. And we say sometimes that we don't have opinions in AA and that we shouldn't interpret the big book. We read the black on the page. Well, maybe I need to look up one of those words that guys have been talking about, but I think when I read the word, I have to interpret it. I have look and go, what's it asking me to do? And I'm a believer that some of us can look at the same page and read the same words and have a slightly different experience. And I believe that's the good news, not the bad news. I believe this is a spiritual document, that the information in the document does not change, but my relationship to the information changes regularly. I don't want to get so caught in a dogma that I don' t have an experience look, I'm a big book guy I love the big book of alcoholics and non-drug and I go to big book meetings and if we break out in a big book trivia game later there's a chance I'll be in the top three or four But I've got to make sure that I'm not turning what should be a spiritual exercise into an intellectual or academic exercise. That I'm nicht trying to win. I have sat in my home group. Scott and I have been sitting in meetings together since 1997 at the back room group. It's a big book study. And sometimes, I have something to share in that meeting. And sometimes I got something I just can't wait for you to hear in that meeting. You know what I mean? You know when you're getting antsy in your seat and you go, oh, I got some good there. Oh, I'm about to drop some knowledge on them now. Yeah. Last week it killed over at the 449 meeting. I can't way to bring it to these guys. Look, and that doesn't mean, by the way, what gets shared isn't as useful as when I think it's, you know. I don't know where the information lands, but I know my experience is different when I'm sharing versus when I am having a look-at-me moment. Or some would say a look at me day and a half. The message I have is that I have had a spiritual awakening, and it was a result of these steps. It is the result of these steps. Through the maintenance of my spiritual condition, it continues to be through the active application of these principles in my ongoing affairs. I will tell you, working with others, whether that be just a new person that we get to spend time with, whether in our home group or out and about, whether that be going to maybe treatment facilities or correctional facilities or detoxes, whether that being sponsorship. There's no area of my recovery that I have more self-doubt in than sponsorship. you. There's no area that I go, boy, I hope, because am I giving as good as I got? When am I making decisions? You know, I can couch a decision in your best interest, but it's really about my convenience. I asked a guy, this is when I knew I was in trouble, a guy asked me to sponsor him, and I said, do you have a car? That's big. Otherwise, you've got to go get them. And I'm asking, I'm betting him. I'm asking questions about what's this going to mean for me? What part of town do you live in. Now, there's some practical reasons to ask some of those questions, but I was not asking them out of practicality. I want to know, geez, can I squeeze you into it? And then you ever ask yourself if, you know, this person's coming over to ask you and you've been thinking this person might come ask. You know, I'd like to sponsor him. Hold off, hold off. Come on, come on, come. Hurry, he's coming, hurry. I'm just saying that stuff happens and if it happens to you don't beat yourself up because I know it happens to everybody at some point. That same Don P years ago, I went through one of those periods, some of you have gone through it. Because if we're here, we're in a pocket of enthusiasm here. Most of the people here are the people who are doing stuff, right? You're already zealots. I mean, you're at the tent meeting on Sunday morning. And I went through one of those periods where everything felt like a burden. You know, am I the only one doing anything in Alcoholics Anonymous? Which is embarrassing based on how little I was doing. But I don't want to answer the phone, right? And I didn't want to go to my commitment. And I barely wanted to go to my home group. And we're at one of these things and I talked to Don and I said, man, I feel so bad that, you know, I don't want a sponsor anybody. I don'T want to go to My Commitment. I DON'T want go to MY Home Group and I feel terrible. He said, don't feel bad. He said, that is nothing to feel guilty about. But keep sponsoring guys, keep going to your commitment and keep going to your home group. My sponsor Donnie M from Louisville regularly says that the most spiritual thing I do is take an action that's contrary to what I want. To do the next right thing regardless of how I feel. Because I showed up at AA thinking every feeling required an action. And you guys told me these practices, principles in all our affairs means we've changed the game. We've changed our decision-making process. We made the commitment to do that back at the third step. We continue to follow through with it. And rather than saying, you know, what should I do here? Or acting out of fear or acting out a laziness, sloth, acting out agreed, acting out alust, acting not envy, acting out any of the seven deadly sins that typically have motivated, that have activated my actions. I want to look for a guiding principle. The principles are unwavering. And the principles, by the way, you know, we got, this is just me, every one of us somewhere, again, you got a folder, it's electronic, it's somewhere, you've got a list of the principles that align with each step. Now, if you put a few of those together, you would see that some of those flip-flop around, right? There's a whole variety of different principles that somebody else puts next to each of those steps. What I would suggest, at least as the 12th step is describing it, that the principles I am to practice in all my affairs is an adoption of the 12 steps as my design for living and embodied and embedded in those are all of those things is that honesty that willingness that open-mindedness that perseverance all of the one word things that we clap on there but it is saying now these things you've done now you're at 10 11 and 12 let's put these go live your life based on these principles and not just part of your life every aspect of your life. Because see, the principles always point spiritual true north. You know, if you've got a compass and you're standing on a mountaintop, the compass points north. If you're down in the valley, the campus points north, if your in the rain forest, the cup is points north if you're in the desert, the compost points north independent of the external circumstances North is still north and I would say that independent of my worldly circumstances I'm trying to navigate through if I will lean to the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous to guide my actions independent of how I feel about those actions they will always point me true north it doesn't mean that it that the path will be easy when we say and how it works you know when those guys say and and and I love you know how it worked we read my old sponsor Frank used to say it's the most read, least listened to piece of literature in Alcoholics Anonymous. And because we've heard it a million times. But there's some real gems in there. And when it says that, you know, that we beg of you, some of us try to hold on to our old ideas. We beg of You to be fearless and thorough from the very start. My old ideas, my old decision-making process, they're saying adopt these principles. Some of us thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. I misinterpreted that for years. That seemed to imply that AA is easy and soft. For me, it has been neither. It's just of all the possible ways, it's the easiest and the softest, right they tried and and they they beg of us dude steve trust us we tried we have tried everything and we do that right we try everything but the steps we try anything but walking through something i mean and that i don't mean used to man I'm tired of telling my AA story but there's nothing easier than telling you what I used to be like but man I'm not even telling you what I'm like now really like man that's hard it's hard to even know 32 years later like Cliff said I forget number two I resist. I shortcut. I mean, not all the time. I don't mean to do it. I only do it when it's absolutely necessary. But you guys tell me to practice these principles in all my affairs. It's not lost on me that in the big book, of course, we get to the chapter working with others. and it lays out wonderfully ways for us to make that approach both to the individual and the family and ways to have those conversations and maybe when to bring the book in and maybe not lead with God but don't ever apologize for God. I've been on a million real 12-step calls in the old days and man, those are... Never was I excited about going on one But they're a great fodder for conversation years later, and we've all had these unbelievable experiences. And our book says that they will be alternately comic, embarrassing, and tragic. And I've been to all. Mike and I were with a bunch of guys that for, well, I participated in about 12 years that we'd detox guys in a hotel room. And we'd do two-man teams for four hours at a time. You'd get a call. We had a call tree. A dear friend of ours, Greg, would be in charge of that call tree, and he would call. You know, nobody's getting sober at noon on a Tuesday, right? So it's never a convenient call. I'd pick up that phone at 11 o'clock, and Greg would go, How grateful are you? I go, come on, man. Play fair. He didn't say, hey, man, will you come? You know, can you come sit with this guy? He'd go, how grateful are you, Steve? Yeah, I heard that share at the home group. I'm sure you're on your way already. How grateful are we? Man, we did that and, you know, a handful of people maybe got sober. A bunch didn't. But the relationships with the other man that we were there with were just unbelievable. Me and a guy went on a 12-step call. I was living near Richmond. My friend Allison and Deb were here from Richmond. And I was like three years sober, you'd know. There's an IRS lien on my house, and the guy that we went to do the 12-step call with, the guy driving me, he had that newcomer car, you know, that has the one side is the Bondo color, not real paint. And we go into this gated community, and it was not a correctional facility, Scott. It was a gated facility, and we go in, And he came walking down this big staircase like it's out of Gone with the Wind. And this guy is, you know, in his 50s and he's got about a 23-year-old blonde with him, you know. And literally he sat in this big chair. She sat at his feet on the floor stroking his leg while we're reading from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. and he stopped us you know and and actually this had been an ill-advised 12-step call that he didn't know we were coming or he didn'T quite understand what's happening he said he says guys I'm good and uh I looked at my buddy Bill S and I said I said Bill we got to get out of here man I said we got nothing he wants and he's got everything we want and uh uh uh And, you know, we're going out there praying his car will start. And we're in this million-dollar home at the time, this, you know, 1993. But apparently it worked because Bill and I staged sober. I was about six months sober, and I went to my sponsor, Frank, And I said, Frank, I said I think practicing these principles in all my affairs is putting me at a competitive disadvantage in the marketplace. And I was serious, you know. I saidI don't know and because see the way he said Steve if you're asking me and I was in a sales job, a family business and sales job. He said, if you're asking me if you might lose a deal because you won't cut a corner here or turn a blind eye to something or entertain in a particular way or, you know, stay committed to this. He said yeah, yeah, anecdotally you're going to lose deals. He says, you, by the way, have no idea the number of people who have just quietly decided not to do business with you. He said, not necessarily because of your drinking, they just go, nah, just not my kind of guy. We all know that, right? We all have people in the union, just, eh, I just don't have the right feel. And he wasn't promising me that if I'm a good A.A. doobie, that I will thrive in the workplace and become an executive in a Fortune 500 company. But he said you will sleep at night. He said you'll be comfortable with the man you see in the mirror in the morning. You'll never have to dodge anybody. And he says, and over time, the people that are supposed to be drawn to you in your life will be drawn to you. And I believe that has happened. That's 32 years ago. And I will tell you that over the last 32 years, there's been over a dozen times when I thought my life was about to implode. Financially, I went bankrupt at 10 years sober. you know all of these things where you think you can't because fear is the only thing that makes me a bad guy i'm well intended but fear will stop me you know i would tell those lie i lied so much the first couple of years i was sober but i my first move in honesty was to i'd be at work and i'd get a call And maybe I hadn't done something I said I would do. God said, Steve, we didn't get those samples you guys were going to send us that you said you would send. And I said, You didn't? Well, heads will roll here. Let me look into this. And knowing immediately, Oh, shit, I forgot to do it. And, of course, I lied to the guy. And all we found is in the mail room it was addressed wrong. It came back here. We're getting those right back out. And then I'd call my sponsor and be honest with him about the fact that I'd lied to somebody. And to me, that was a huge move in the right direction for me to admit I'm dishonest. You know, I'm still robbing banks, but I'm letting you guys know up front that I'm a bank robber. And I feel bad about it. I'm trying to quit. But we do have a big job planned this weekend. But practice these principles in all my affairs. I was at a talk to a group of folks. It wasn't in an AA setting, it was in a work setting. And these were marketers and business development people, and there was a big push on ethics. You know, everybody was using the word ethics, and those of us who scream it the loudest, kind of like Scott said, are usually the ones that have a little something to worry about. But anyway, they asked me to give a version of practice these principles in all our affairs, but not couched in an AA setting or in a recovery setting, but in a business setting. And I said, and I don't think that it changed as much. And I say, you know, I believe everybody in this room has ethics. I believe anybody in here showed up to that group that day with ethics, with a commitment to doing things the right way. But the question I have to ask, but do I have end-of-the-month ethics? Do I, you know, when the quote is not made, do I have my boss's on my ass ethics? Do I have the rent is due ethics? Do I got to feed my family ethics? What are the things that will cause me to compromise the principles I'm trying to live by? Now thank goodness that Alcoholics Anonymous, right after they read those 12 steps and how it works, said don't panic dude we're not saints none of us have come anywhere near perfect adherence to these principles the point is we're willing to grow along spiritual lines and see and i think that that that is critical a question i have to continue to ask myself the fact that that i'm going to make a mistake i make regular mistakes i'm trying to not make any of them on purpose You know what I mean? I'm trying not to make them strategically. I'm try not to plan out my mistake. I trip over the line sometimes, but sometimes I go and just pull the stake up and move the line, and that's a different thing. And when I tripover that line, am I willing to try to learn and grow from those mistakes as Bill regularly talked about? And then there's a lot of talk in the 12 and 12 about relationships, kind of where I started talking yesterday. And these can be work relationships certainly, but it talks a little bit about our romantic relationships. and i have when i so briefly spoke about the sex inventory at the end of that and after asking all those host of questions it suggests that i ask god to help me form a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life and that could be future business relationships it could be feature relationships with you, with my home group, with friends. Help me form a sane and sound ideal about what I want a particular relationship with. What should be the founding principles in this relationship? And back in the 12 and 12, it says that there'll come a time that every sound human being, so now there's almost an implication that I am arriving more sound than I started there, that every sound human being will want to have the deepest possible union with someone in the areas of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotion. And I can tell you that I was married over 15 years before I saw that in a way that became personal to me and realized that I had given virtually no thought to the mental, spiritual, or emotional needs of Connie. I had not thought about it and dismissed it. It just wasn't on my radar. I just did not look at this person that I say is the most important person in my life. If I've invited you to be my life partner and I am not inquiring and I am not thoughtful to the spiritual, mental, and emotional needs or beliefs or thoughts that guide you. All I typically require of the people around me is to understand my needs and serve them appropriately. I don't know I'm doing that. I mean, I'm an extreme example of self-will run right, though I usually don't think so. See, I'm not a bad, well, I have character defects. My character is defective and it produces defects. And I will tell you that that is, and I don't want to leave here saying that that's the way I am. That is not the way that I am, but it's the ways that I was. And in a moment, I am capable of exhibiting that behavior. But see, I will tell you today that I'm in a relationship that Connie's mental, emotional, and spiritual, and physical well-being are critically important to me. And likewise, her for me. i felt that i've had this respiratory thing i felt bad all last week i was coughing i'm sleeping on the couch i didn't feel good and connie's on me would you go to the doctor go to The Doctor she's on to me to go to doctor and I'm not a go-to-the-doctor guy and i'm you You know, if not literally, I'm figuratively, you know, stiff-arming her. And she just grabbed me and she says, I love you. Would you go to the doctor? She wasn't nagging me. She said, I care about your well-being. And I want to be able to return that in favor and often do so. So do I, you know, and it talks about in that 12 and 12, and my sponsor Frank used to talk a lot about dominance and dependence. Is it fair in a relationship for me to be dependent upon you? And is it fair In that same relationship for me to likewise dominate certain aspects of it? And again, this could be all my affairs. i went to tom ivester years ago uh at our usual suspect retreat and me and my buddy jerry were talking to tom late one night and again because i'm such a good aa doobie i was i was talking to tom about finding balance in my life that's the phrase i used i said tom how do you how do you balance your AA life? He was as busy a man, and they've got people who know him know that, that he was as selfless a giver and is as selflessly giver as there is that I've ever come across. And I said, how do you balance Your AA life in your home life, in your work life, in your social life, and being a parent and being an husband? And he said, well, first of all, Steve, he says, I try not to have areas of my life. He said, but you're talking about time management. You're saying balance, but you're really talking about time management and everybody's got to navigate some time management. He says, but when we talk about balance, we're talking about being spiritually balanced. And he says if you are spiritually balanced, that will inform how you spend your time. And that may change day to day, week to week, month to month. He said one week that's going to be you going to your home group business meeting or going to a district meeting or go into an AA commitment and your wife and daughter are going to be home going, hey, you know, what about us? He said but the next week it might be you staying home with your wife or daughter when there is something going on and your AA buddies are going, hey man, I thought you were committed. I thought you were in AA. Thought you were an all-the-way-in guy. And he said, you got to be spiritually balanced yourself to have the discernment to sort through that. And that will inform your time management aspect. Now time can still be a challenge, but I understood the principle that he was offering me. I'm going to stop because it's time to stop, but I'm not done. As my friend Butch says, I could go on for a couple more hours. I'd be alone, but I could do it. Listen, at the end of the 12 and 12, it says two things that have always attracted me in that last page and a half. In one of them, after the longest run on sentence in AA, It says that these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living. And the correct implication of that statement is that I've spent most of my time unknowingly pursuing the temporary and illegitimate satisfactions of life. Twice this weekend, I've gone in that hospitality suite and had a donut. I love donuts. But I've never eaten a donut, including this weekend, that the minute I had the last bite of that donut, I didn't go, damn, I wish I hadn't eaten that donut. Why? Because once the donut is gone, there is no residual value. There's nothing lasting or permanent that's good for me about eating that donut It tasted good. It was temporary. I enjoyed the process. But in truth, I was playing the short game. And in AA, you've told me to play the long game. This spiritual growth is the long gain. Hang on for the permanent and legitimate satisfactions. And then it says true ambition isn't what we thought it was. When we showed up at that first step Friday night, when I'm the guy that shows up at AA the first time, what I'm trying to do is quit getting drunk and quit getting in trouble. In fact, if I thought I could quit getting in trouble while still drinking, I would have kept doing that. But quit getting drunk and quit getting into trouble. That's my goal. That's the goal of my life. That's why I navigate through these steps and land at that twelfth step. It says true ambition is not what we thought it was. I was wrong. True ambition is a desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God. That's My Ambition. It is a lofty ambition from which I often fall. But I'm committed to hanging out and playing the long game here in AA with you guys. Thanks so much for having me this weekend.