Steps Four and Five Showed Me Why I Drank and Step Nine Gave Me Self-Esteem I Never Had

About This Speaker Tape

A young father shares his story of reaching one year of sobriety after a lifetime of trying to fit in through alcohol. Growing up as one of the few Black players in competitive ice hockey, he dealt with racism and isolation from a young age, and found that alcohol temporarily erased his sense of being different. From binge drinking in college in Arizona — where he collected an MIP citation every year — through a corporate career where he hid a liter-and-a-half of Jack Daniels habit from coworkers, drinking became his default response to every feeling, good or bad.

His rock bottom came at a friend's destination wedding in Cancun. After three months of white-knuckling sobriety, he sat down at an open bar alone, drank until he was blacked out, and slept through the entire wedding reception he had traveled to attend. That night in the hotel room, overwhelmed with shame, he wanted to jump off the balcony. Instead, he called Glenn and Billy, two men he had met at a half-hearted AA meeting weeks earlier, and the next day he walked into a Tuesday night meeting that became his home group.

The steps transformed him rapidly. Steps four and five revealed why he drank — a lifetime of never building real self-esteem — and step nine gave him the courage to face people he had harmed. He describes the gift of presence: taking his four-year-old daughter on a daddy-daughter date to Olive Garden and realizing for the first time he was fully there, not scheming about his next drink. Teaching his girls hockey in the garage and actually enjoying it rather than counting the minutes until he could sneak away.

Recently laid off with a newborn and a single-income household, he leans on step eleven and a trust in Higher Power's plan rather than spiraling. He has started a YouTube channel called The Sober Pursuit, sponsors other men, and closes with advice borrowed from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse: when you cannot see the way through, just take the next step.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opens with thanks, celebrates one year sober, introduces wife and five-month-old son
• 1:30 Olive Garden daddy-daughter date story — realizes he is fully present for the first time
• 5:00 Childhood in hockey — being one of the few Black players, dealing with racism and never fitting in
• 8:00 College binge drinking in Arizona, collecting MIP citations every year
• 11:00 Corporate job in Houston — hiding the empty Jack Daniels bottle, the lie that became a template for 15 years
• 15:00 Marriage under pressure — wife's ultimatum, becoming a regular at every liquor store near his home
• 19:00 Mexico trip with wife, throwing up in friend's condo, wife quits drinking but he cannot stop
• 23:00 Daily incomprehensible demoralization — buying a pint of vodka every morning, promising each time is the last
• 27:00 Rock bottom at Cancun wedding — blacks out at open bar, misses entire reception, wants to jump off balcony
• 33:00 Steps four and five change everything — discovers he never built real self-esteem, learns rigorous honesty
• 38:00 Laid off last month with a newborn — leans on step eleven, feels strange excitement about what comes next
• 42:00 Closing message — quotes The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse: just take the next step