Steps Four and Five Showed Me Why I Drank and Step Nine Gave Me Self-Esteem I Never Had

I'd like to thank everybody for letting me speak here tonight.
I'd like to thank Stephanie for getting me on the menu here and my sponsor Glenn for
introducing me to this meeting.
You know, for me, first with alcohol, first it was fun, then it was fun with problems,
and then eventually it was just problems.
And yeah, because of this program, I celebrated one year's sobriety in November last year,
and I actually got to take a chip at this meeting in front of some friends who are here
today, and I thank all you guys so much for being here.
My wife, who's also here with our five-month-old son today, and you know, this program has
given me the coolest thing ever, which is that I can say that my son's gonna have a
sober dad, and I think that's awesome.
So before I get into my story, this program has given me so much already.
I'd like to start with a little quick side story.
You know, I mentioned that I took my year in November a couple months ago, and during
that we celebrated.
There was a little small get-together at my sponsor's house, and I was able to see everybody
that I've kind of gone on this journey with, and I got a couple cards, you know, like congratulatory
cards.
One of the cards I got was from my boy Adrian over here, and it included a little congratulatory
note and then also a gift card to Olive Garden in there, and it was so cool because I was
able to, you know, we have a six-year-old daughter and a four-year-old daughter at home,
and you know, I took that Olive Garden gift card, and I took my four-year-old daughter
on a little daddy-daughter date, yeah, and it was awesome, because like, you know, we
dressed up really nice, like we're going to prom or something like that, we get all dressed
up, we go out to Olive Garden, it's their first time, like she gets to order from the
waiter, she gets the, I'm telling her about the endless breadsticks and all that cool
stuff at Olive Garden, and she's all pumped up about it.
We're sitting there, and you know, she's choosing her size, she's choosing her chicken fingers
and all that kind of stuff, and talking to the waiter, and I like to think that I'm telling
her what it's like to be at a restaurant and how you should behave yourself and all that
kind of stuff, but you know, I had this like, aha moment when I was there at the restaurant,
because man, in the past, any time I would go out to things like that, to any activity
out and about, I was always thinking about like, where's the bar at, maybe I can sneak
over to the bathroom and grab a quick shot on the way, or maybe I can take a quick couple
of shots before I go, or before I get in the car, you know, maybe I can bring something
into my pocket to make this a little bit more fun, you know what I mean, and I was always
doing that, no matter if it was going to a dinner, if it was going to socialize with
friends, and by the end of my drinking, I was doing that just to go to the grocery store,
you know, like it was crazy, but you know, because of this program, I realized I was
fully there at Olive Garden, you know, like we were talking to each other, I was listening
to what she had to say, we were talking about her day, talking about what's going on in
her life, and you know, that's all I've ever wanted in my entire life was the ability to
be present, you know, to be able to enjoy what life is giving me, and I used to think
that I needed to drink, I needed to use to be able to experience that, but I didn't need
any of that stuff, you know, when I was there, that was the main course, like that was all
I needed, and it just felt awesome, so you know, the program's giving me that, along
with the gift card, and you know, that was super cool, but I guess I'll kind of start
now back with my story, you know, I grew up in a family where drinking wasn't really around
at all, you know, to be honest with you, I didn't see my parents drink at all until I
was over 21, you know, I kind of have the common story of having my first few drinks
when I was in high school, then binge drinking on the weekend with some high school friends,
and doing that whole thing, and you know, kind of slowly getting into it, I guess you could
say, but a unique thing about me is that when I was probably like six or seven years old, I
started playing ice hockey, and I grew up playing hockey by the time I was 12 or 13, I was
traveling all around the US and Canada, and it was a huge part of my life, but if you think
about hockey and hockey players, as you know, not many hockey players look like me, so it was
kind of, you know, early on in my life, I kind of started to deal with the, you know, in my mind,
deal with the issues of fitting in, you know, all I ever wanted was to fit in somewhere, and I felt
like when I was at school, I didn't fit in, then I go to hockey practice, I don't fit in, and you
know what, it was tough on me, man, I was a little kid, and I didn't really know how to handle it,
a lot of the time I was alone, either far away from home, or you know, I was at school, or I
didn't really, I was in situations where I didn't really have anyone to back me up, you know, like,
I didn't know what to do, or I didn't know how to defend myself, I guess you could say, and
sometimes the racism was pretty bad, and a lot of times, you know, I just felt completely alone,
and by the time I got into college, that sense of discomfort completely followed me, you know, so
around that time, when I was, you know, 18, 17, 18, I found alcohol as a way to kind of numb that,
and also to fit in, you know, temporarily, you know, go to a party, like, hey, you guys are drinking,
I can drink too, or, you know, hey, you guys like to take shots, let's do it, I'm in, you know,
you know, there's no differences here, you're kind of like, it's all good, and needless to say, by
the time I finished college, I had left with some pretty expensive habits from drinking, and using,
and doing all that kind of stuff, because I just wanted to fit in with people, you know, I thought
if I was using drinking with everybody, then, hey, I'm part of the crew, it's all good, you know,
there's, what's the problem, and yeah, man, looking back at it, you know, it was pure, pretty much
binge drinking from the start, I went to school in Arizona, where they have a rule, if anyone's
been out there, lived out there, it's called an MIP, you know, if you get arrested, or if you get
caught out and about drunk, and you're under 21, you get an MIP, it's like your body is a container,
so, you know, they call it a minor in possession, and when I was out there, I got an MIP every
single year, until I turned 21, you know, I was 18, when I was 19, when I was 20, and you would
have thought, like, looking back, that's probably a red flag, but to me, I was just like, oh, this is
just the price of doing business, you know, like, you pay the fine, you do the classes that they
make you do, you do whatever, you know, and you get through it, and you're back to drinking, I was
literally drinking as soon as I walked out of the class, and, you know, it's that complete insanity
that, that I was stuck in, man, and again, though, I just thought it was normal, I thought everyone
did this to get away from their problems, you know, we all have problems, and this is what we do to
handle them, but the next step of my life, you know, I got out of college, and I was fortunately
recruited to this corporate company, where they kind of did like a big recruiting college hire
program, and so they bring me in, and I'm part of this group of 15 people, and we're going through
this, this training experience, they take us out to Houston, and they put us in a hotel for two
months, and at this point, you know, I'm supposed to be a working professional, you know, I'm no
longer a hockey player, no longer a college kid, but those party habits stuck with me, you know,
they really stuck with me, nothing had changed at all, just the location, nothing in my mind had
changed, and I'd kind of recall like a defining story about my alcoholism, you know, we check into
that hotel room in Houston, and I'm with this other guy who's in the same program I am, we're
gonna be there for a couple months, and we're like, hey, let's go down to the grocery store and get
some supplies, just to, you know, we're gonna be here for a while, get some supplies for our hotel
room, so we go down to the grocery store, of course, I get a liter and a half bottle of Jack
Daniels as part of my groceries, you know, we come back to the room, me and this guy, we each have a
drink, go to, I go to bed, he goes back to his room, we start our work week, right, then like two
days later, this same friend comes back by my hotel room, and he notices that bottle of Jack empty
in the corner, he's like, did you drink all that? No, and I panicked, this is the first time, like
someone had actually like indirectly called me out about my drinking, you know, I was just like, oh,
no, I actually met another friend out here in Houston, and he, you know, he's crazy, he came by,
he drank it all, you know, just lied about it, the worst lie ever, you know what I mean, because I
didn't know what to say, and I didn't want to admit it to him, what I was actually doing, drinking
throughout the work week, you know what I mean, but that's what the truth was, man, and I looked
back to that lie that I told that day, that was like a microcosm for how I lived my life for the
next 15 years, I would just, namely, push people away and lie to people to isolate myself, you know,
and protect my right to drink the way I want to drink, I didn't like people clocking my drinks,
I didn't like people knowing how much I was drinking, you know, or telling me I shouldn't be
drinking as much or passive aggressively judging me because bottles were empty, or, you know, I was
getting refills and stuff like that. So, you know, that included the church, and eventually, most
importantly, included my wife. So by the time I was married, you know, I definitely kept my drinking
habits, like I mentioned, but the party was long over. And you know, these vices started to get out
of control. And one day, my wife sat me down, she kind of told me to seek help, or is going to be
clear that she was going to be gone. She already had one foot out of the door and kind of a plan
on what she was going to do. But, you know, that warning wasn't enough, man, it wasn't enough to
stop, just like those MIPs I got when I was out in Arizona, wasn't enough to stop. And by this time,
I guess you could say I was like, what you would call a functioning alcoholic, even though we know
that we don't really function that well, when we're on that. And you know, I had a job, it was
paying the bills, I thought I was able to support my family, you know, it was so that my wife didn't
have to work. And I thought that's all I needed, you know, like I was winning. So what's the
what's the issue for me needing to look on the inside, but everywhere I went, alcohol wasn't
too far behind, you know, I knew it was a problem. And for a while, when I was like, kind of earlier
in my career, I was moving around a lot, I was one of those guys, like move different cities,
as part of my job. And I was also one of those guys where, whatever the closest liquor store was
to my house, I became a regular, you know, like, I get to know the clerk, I would know who worked
there, I knew whose shift it was, I knew all the people they knew about me. And it happens like
clockwork, you know what I mean? And, you know, maybe that was another red flag, too. But that's
just how it worked for me. Eventually, I tried to moderate, you know, gotten to moderation, which
we've all probably given a shot at. But of course, it didn't work. Like, for example, I would play on
a men's league hockey team, they call it beer league, because every game, someone would bring
a case of beer, and the team would sit in the locker room afterwards, have one, two, three beers,
go on their way. But, you know, I was always that guy that would be sitting there, I'd drink
three beers or until it was gone. And then I'd be picking up my own, you know, pack on the way home,
to have my own party in the car as I was driving home. That's just how I operated. It was like,
I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop drinking, you know, until I fell asleep or passed
out. Didn't matter if the party was over, didn't matter if there's anyone drinking with me, you
know, I just went at my own speed. And then, yeah, I guess it comes to the point where
there was one time my wife and I take a trip down to Mexico,
and we really got after it on this trip. You know, we go, a friend of ours had a little
condo down there, so they invited us down to hang out. We go down to Mexico, and we start just
getting after it like how we used to do, drinking so hard that we end up throwing up in the middle
of the night in the guest room of my buddy's condo and we're cleaning it up and doing laundry
at like two in the morning to try to hide it. You know what I mean? And just the craziness that
comes along with this disease, man, but that's how we were living. That was the price of doing
business, you know, and trying to make it so they didn't know that we were over the limit that night.
But after that trip, we get back home and my wife quit drinking. So she was able to stop,
realize what had happened, look in the mirror and stop. I wish I could do that. I couldn't do that,
and she's been sober ever since, but I kept going. In fact, after that trip, as soon as we drove home,
the six hour drive to get back home, I went straight down to the liquor store and got a six pack
because that's all I knew how to do whenever I was feeling uncomfortable or whenever I
earned it or did something that deserved it, whether good or bad, that's just how I handled it.
So, you know, at that point though, the light was kind of showing on me because my wife wasn't
drinking anymore and I had to get in the habit of sneaking the drinks and hiding my drinks and doing
all that kind of stuff. And you know what, man, every single day I would wake up and I'd go to the
liquor store down the street from my house and I'd buy like a pint of vodka and a couple tall boys,
you know, just enough for the day or just enough for the afternoon. And you might say like, well,
why, why are you just getting that little amount, you know, little amount? Why don't you get like
the liter and a half like you used to do? It's because every single time I went down there,
I thought that was going to be my last time drinking. I thought that was going to be my
last time walking into that liquor store. I wanted it to be. I told myself it would be,
you know, I was sick of hiding and I was sick of sick of doing that. But just like clockwork, man,
every single day the next morning, I'd be right back in there looking at that clerk in the eye
again, getting my order. And, you know, there had to be a hundred times of this, you know, hey,
this is my last day drinking, Brandon, walk in, get in my car, walk in, go into the liquor store,
come back out, only for it to start all over again the next day. And it was that incomprehensible
demoralization, man, that just had become a daily habit for me. And it made me feel miserable on the
inside every single day. You know, I was losing a battle to myself every day when I did that.
And, you know, we eventually had a meeting with a marriage counselor.
And it was obvious I was going to have to make a change before, you know, I lost my marriage,
lost my family. And I was pretty much scared straight, you know, I had to get the heat off.
So I like, oh, I got to stop drinking now. I really have to stop or else I'm done. So, you know,
I gritted my teeth and I made it like almost three months, right? He just not just kind of
struggling through it, I guess you could say. Not doing AA, not in the program at all, not talking
to anybody. And all of a sudden my friend has a wedding down in Mexico. So here I go down to
Mexico again. And it's at one of these all inclusive resorts, you know. And I'm like,
all right. And I'm thinking in my head, my alcoholic brain, I'm like, okay, well, I've
made it three months. And maybe if I can get through this wedding weekend at this, you know,
all inclusive resort, then if I could do that, then I'm cured, you know, and I can sail off into the
sunset. It's like, that's my Super Bowl, you know, just one more battle to get through, right?
So we go down there. We get down to check into the hotel and everything like that. And, you know,
everybody's in town for his wedding and everybody's kind of hanging out in the restaurant area and
people are saying hi. And, you know, it's a big group of people. And it's cool. You know,
I'm hanging out with my wife. We're both not drinking. I'm just drinking sodas or whatever,
talking to old friends and chatting with people. Not really a big deal. Made it through that night.
No problems. Then the next morning comes, which is the day of the wedding. And I think me and my
wife maybe had a little bit of an argument about something silly, you know, and I didn't eat much
breakfast and end up just going to the gym, get a little workout in. And then here's where the
alcoholic mind starts working, man. I'm walking back from the gym to my hotel room, strolling
along. And I see this open bar right there, right on the beach, tons of open seats, the bartender
sitting there not doing anything. And it just sucked me in, man. I went and sat down. I knew
everything was included. So there's no receipts I was going to have to hide. Nothing like that,
you know? So I go sit down. I order a Jack and Coke. There goes my three-month streak. But,
you know, it got worse. I get a Jack and Coke. I'm drinking it. And before I'm even done with it,
the bartender gives me another one. Gives me another. I'm just sitting there by myself. That's
how I like to drink, right? No one's clocking my drinks. No one's telling me, hey, you're going
too fast, whatever. It's all good, you know? I'm just hanging out drinking for free, I thought,
you know? So no one knows. And that's how I like to drink, man. I like to drink alone, you know? I
like to drink on my own speed. So, you know, I just keep hitting these drinks at five or six,
seven, who knows? By the time I stood up from that bar, though, I was blitzed, man. Done. And I
somehow stumble my way over to my buddy's wedding ceremony. Don't remember it at all, even though
I'm in a couple pictures with him. And get through the ceremony, and then, you know, I stumble my way
back to the hotel room and just pass out in my room. Completely slept through the wedding
reception. Missed his reception. Missed the party. Missed the dinner. Missed all of it. I'd gone all
the way down to Cancun for this thing, and I missed it, man, because I was drinking Jack and Cokes.
And I'm just like, man, that feeling. When I woke up in the hotel room,
it was scary, for sure, that I had done that, but it was just mostly shameful, you know? Like,
I couldn't believe, like, look at what alcohol did to me, you know? Like, I had no, I have truly no
control over this thing, as much as I just did three months, I thought I did. I have no control
over this thing. It just, that wasn't my plan to miss the wedding, and it just made me do that.
I'm gonna have to make amends to this guy and to the bride the next day. And, you know, of course,
I have some friends texting me, like, where are you at? You know, what's going on? And, man, those
text messages and all that stuff just cut like a dagger, because I knew it was all my fault, you
know? There's no one else I could blame about it. And once that happened, man, I just sat in that
room, and I spent about an hour, like we do, just trying to blame anyone but myself for that,
including my wife. Sorry about that. But, you know, I'm saying, you know, it was my wife's fault for
starting the argument that morning, or it's the hotel's fault for not having any food for me to
eat for breakfast, or, you know, like, just being crazy, just thinking about anything and everything
that would make it not my fault. But I was just digging my shame spiral deeper as I was doing
that, because on the inside, I knew it was all my fault, you know? I knew I chose to sit down. I knew
I chose to keep drinking. I knew I chose to do all of that. I knew I wanted to do it, even worse.
So, you know, that night in that hotel room, I felt I just wanted to run and jump off of the hotel
balcony that we were sitting. I felt so just, that was my rock bottom. I didn't see any possible way
how I was going to be able to get control of my life, you know? I knew that I couldn't do it on my
own, talking about step one. But that's where God started to work, you know? And that's where
I began my relationship with God, and he brought me out of that dark place and got me to the place
that I'm at now. But the way I did it, you know, I gave a call to a couple guys I had met when I
half-heartedly attended an AA meeting a couple weeks before the wedding. Glenn, who's now my
sponsor, and he's here tonight, along with Billy, who's also here tonight. And you guys have been
so great to me, I can't tell you enough. You helped save my life. I know I've told you that
before, but, you know, the very next day when I got back home, when we flew back from the wedding,
I, you know, I met with Glenn for lunch, Glenn and John, for lunch, and I went with them to a
Tuesday night meeting. And I've been going to that meeting ever since. That's where I met Frankie,
met Adrian, met a lot of the other guys that are in here. And like Frankie said, man, that meeting
has completely, completely saved my life, you know? And the fellowship that I've grown from it,
along from my Tustin Noon meeting, those relationships have completely saved my life.
But, you know, when I was in these meetings, I started to listen for the similarities,
not the differences. And I finally, finally, in these meetings, felt like I was at home.
I felt like I fit in, you know, going back to the start where I was always looking for that.
In these meetings, it was the first time I ever started feeling like I did, because I would hear
someone share something, and I was like, yeah, I totally get that, or I've done that, or, you know,
maybe it doesn't look exactly the same, but I felt what you're feeling, you know? I get it.
And I've never felt more comfortable in a group setting than I have in AA.
And then I eventually started doing my steps, and things got better almost immediately,
you know? I think by the end of the second or third month, I was on that pink cloud,
and I was just starting to see a better way of living in all aspects of my life.
You know, steps one through three were pretty quick for me after that wedding. I knew I was
powerless over alcohol, and I couldn't solve this issue by myself. You know, I had that gift of
desperation, I guess you could say. I needed that gift of desperation. And steps four and five
completely changed my life. You know, I started to see the reason why I needed to drink, the reason
why I, you know, had such a difficulty with being in uncomfortable situations. And, you know, it was
pretty scary listening out step four, you know, all my defects of character, all the terrible things
I've done, but man, step five, the following step, it really allowed me to forgive myself for all
that stuff, and to understand what the core was, from where all that stuff came from.
And I started living with principles, finally, you know? Mainly honesty, humility, integrity,
and, you know, I was so far away from each one of those things that it's crazy, you know what I mean?
And to live my life by those now, rigorous honesty, it's like, it feels like a superpower,
you know? I can't be hurt anymore, almost. And before AA, I just, I couldn't be uncomfortable,
you know? Anything from getting challenged by my boss at work to do a project, or to do something
harder than I thought I knew how to do, or making a difficult parenting decision, or disciplining
the kids, or even just being bored, you know? I, like, literally could not be uncomfortable without
numbing that feeling with booze. And for me, I realized I had never really built up true
self-esteem. That's what I learned from doing the steps, especially steps eight and nine.
But through doing the steps, I finally got some self-esteem, especially doing step nine,
and reaching out to people that I'd harmed in the past. That was terrifying. But, you know,
doing it, I finally gathered some actual self-esteem, and the responses I got from people
were encouraging, you know? And I actually felt like I could look myself in the mirror, like,
like John says, I can stand square-shouldered and talk to people without trying to cower down and
hide all the things that I have inside that I'm trying to hide from people, but mainly myself.
My life and sobriety is so much more now than I thought it would be, you know? When I first came
in here, I thought I just needed to stop drinking, needed to stop taking those trips to the liquor
store to start living a happy life. But, you know, when I stopped drinking, I feel like it's like I
cleared off, like, a really messy desk, and now I can actually see what's going on in my life,
what's important, what I do need to work on, and how I should do that. And I've had a couple
a-ha moments, like I mentioned with the Olive Garden story earlier, but a lot of it for me,
thank you, comes with my relationship with my wife and kids. You know, before when I would be
hanging out with the kids, I was that guy that would take a shot before taking them to the park,
or I would be hanging out with them playing video games and sneaking a drink out in the garage and
just self-medicating myself because I thought I needed to. I thought that's what I needed to do
to make it, you know, so I was present, funny enough. But, you know, anytime I was doing that,
I would think, like, not just with the kids, but, you know, doing anything good in my life. Like,
hey, I'm being a good dad right now, or I'm being a good husband right now doing this for my wife,
or I'm being a good employee doing this extra work for my boss. I really earned a drink after
this, didn't I? You know, what should I do? Jack? Or should I do martini? Should I do vodka? What's
that going to be? And all of that thinking used to just completely take me out of the present moment,
always. Whether it was something good or something bad, I was either thinking about getting drunk or
drinking. But it's not always the time you're drunk, man. It's the time that you're sober and
you're thinking about getting drunk that takes you out of that present moment is what I learned,
you know? All I ever wanted to do was be present, and I was running away from it all the time,
thinking that I needed a substance to get there. And even though alcohol is promoted as, like,
this great social lubricant, like we see in the marketing, we see in the commercials,
alcohol completely robs us of our ability to develop meaningful relationships, I found,
you know? Everything I had was surface level, or the buddies that I had were just drinking buddies
that I would see them one night at a party or meet them at a bar, and I'd say their number,
oh, yeah, man, blah, blah, blah. By the next day, I wouldn't even know who they were,
you know what I mean? And if I saw them, there was nothing I had in common with them,
because all we did was drink. That's the only way we were able to interact with each other.
And, man, alcohol really just affected my ability to be present. Like, yeah, I was there physically,
but I was never actually engaged mentally with what was going on, you know? And now sobriety has
given me moments that I didn't even know I was missing, like the Olive Garden moment. A couple
months into my sobriety, I had one of these moments when I was playing hockey with my girls
in the garage. I was kind of teaching them how to skate, they're, you know, slapping the puck
around, we're having fun in the garage, and I just thought about during that moment, I was like,
again, kind of like the Olive Garden thing, like, I'm completely into this, I'm not waiting for it
to be over. I'm not, you know, patting myself on the back, like, hey, you're being a good dad,
okay, now you've really earned your chance to go do something that you really want to do afterwards,
you know? That was gone. And I was totally in the present moment. I was totally engaged, which
I've been searching for my entire life. I finally had somewhere where I fit in, where I was needed,
and where I enjoyed being. And that was one of the coolest things in my sobriety journey,
these little gifts that keep given, keep being given to me as I go along, little aha moments,
you know, that pieces of my life that I was totally missing before sobriety, and now I get
a chance to enjoy them for free. All I had to do was put down the drink, start doing my steps.
But you know, life keeps life-ing, for sure. I guess I just have a little bit of serenity
through it all now. Last month, I was unfortunately laid off from my job. They did layoffs, and I got
a call one morning. They invited me to a larger team call. I pull into it, and there's me and
about 70 other people on this call. And there's this woman who I've never met before. She's leading
the call, and she's like, hey, you know, just to let you guys know, unfortunately, your positions
have been eliminated, and the company's going in a different direction. Which is, you know,
obviously not great timing for us. We just had a baby. We're a single-income household, and
I mean, to be honest with you, when I really think about it, it's like, make me scared to death,
you know? But going to step 11 here, you know, this is God's will for my life. And
if God was able to bring me out of the darkest place ever when I was in that hotel room,
and to bring me to where I am today, then God's got a plan for me. He didn't bring me this far,
just to let me come this far. He's not going to let me just stop here. You know, and with sobriety,
I've been able to rebuild trust with my wife. Our relationship is so much better now than it's
even ever been, you know? We communicate with each other the way we should. The 10th step comes in
handy for sure, making amends daily. Sometimes it takes me a little bit longer than daily to make
those amends, but I try my best to make amends as soon as I can, you know? If one of us is getting
triggered, or if there's frustrations that we have with each other, we let the other person know,
and it prevents a big fallout like it used to be in the past, man. Our fights used to last for weeks,
for months, just because one of us didn't understand why we're making the other person
upset. She's back to being my best friend again. But you know, last week we had a little bit of an
argument that I had to make an amends for. Thank you. You know, I'm going through the whole thing
with the job, right? And I'm like trying to look at applications I should do, and I'm planning out
my week, like, all right, I'm going to talk to this person, I'm going to apply here, apply there. And
as I'm preparing for the week, she asked me to do something pretty simple. I think it was take one
of our daughters home from school or something like that, and I just snapped, you know? I was
like, come on, don't you see all the stuff I'm doing? Like, and it was my alcoholic thinking
again. It's me, me, me, me, me. How am I feeling? How does this make me feel? And I'm so thankful
that I have this program, because once I was able to calm down, it took a little time, but once I
was able to, I was able to make an amends to her. And you know, those are skills I just didn't have
before. I didn't know how to apologize to people and how to genuinely make an amends to people and
how to think about anyone other than myself. I thought thinking about yourself is the way
you're supposed to be, you know? But this program taught me otherwise. I'm so thankful for that.
So going through this whole job thing, you know, I have a strange sense of serenity through it.
It's like the 11th step. I feel like God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself once again,
you know? If I'm being honest, when I was in this job, that job that I just had, I didn't really
like it. I was kind of like plateaued. It was just comfortable, you know? I had the paycheck coming
in every couple weeks and I was there, but I knew that I didn't want to do that. Like, I knew I
actually wanted something different. I just didn't have the guts to do anything about it, you know
what I mean? It was just too easy to be there. And now I just realized that, hey, this is God's will
for me and I'm just praying for, you know, his will to be done and for me to have the strength
to carry that out. So instead of waking up every day and doing like, oh, I got to do 100 job
applications or I have to, you know, do all this stuff until I get at least a lead, then I can calm
down and go spend time with the kids or go watch a movie or something like that. I've been kind of
living these past few weeks with a weird sense of like excitement about what's coming next, honestly,
because I know that I'm going to enter into that opportunity, whatever it is, as the best version
of myself and it's all because of this program. You know, it was also really cool earlier this week
when I got a call from a recruiter that my sponsor's daughter, I think, put us in touch with each other
and the guy calls and he's like, you know, hey, I'm so-and-so and we start talking. He goes, hey,
I heard you're a friend of Bill W. I'm a friend of Bill W, too. I was like, oh, that's awesome.
You know, we're talking to each other and he goes, you know, I might not have something exactly for
you, but I think my friend does, you know, he's kind of more up your alley and he's a friend of Bill
W's, too. It's like, wow, that's awesome. We're everywhere. You know, he can't get away from us.
But, you know, how I say sober today is I just try to practice the 12th step at any opportunity
I can. I've offered to sponsor a couple guys and, you know, be there for them if they're ready to
start to get sober, start to go through the steps, whatever way I can be of service, you know,
taking responsibilities or, you know, doing things in my meetings like being the secretary or being
the coffee guy and just stuff that makes me of service. I've also started a YouTube channel
documenting my journey to sobriety and just kind of talking through how it's worked for me,
the sober pursuit, which has been pretty awesome. And it's just a life of kind of thinking through
how I can best serve other people. And I used to never think like that, you know. Serving other
people was always such a challenge for me. I was never sure exactly how to do it. But I guess kind
of coming towards the end here, I'd just like to close with, you know, my worst days sober
are still much better than my best days pretending I was okay. I had no idea how I was ever going to
be able to get out from all the habits that I created for my life and how I'd ever moved
past all the shame I'd accumulated and all the lying and hiding and all these things I've been
doing. But I didn't come to AA because I was willing. I came because I was desperate, you know.
The willingness came later. And I borrowed hope from this room until I had some hope of my own.
There's a quote that I like to think about when it comes to my sobriety. And it's from the book,
The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Macassi. And it talks about a boy's
riding his horse and he comes to a forest with a dense fog over it. And the boy goes,
I can't see a way through. And the horse says, well, can you see your next step?
The boy says, yeah. Then just take that, says the horse. And my advice to anyone who's new
out there tonight, who's feeling like I was, that you're facing an insurmountable climb,
is just to take the next step. Don't worry about what the full journey will look like.
God's going to take care of that. Just take the next right step.
So if you're new tonight, and you're sitting out there wondering if this program works,
I'm living proof of it. I'm not special. I definitely didn't come in willing. Glen can tell you that.
But I did come in desperate. And I didn't understand AA. I didn't even know how it was
going to work for me. But what I did was simple, man. I just kept coming back. I listened.
I got honest for one of the first times in my life. And I was like, I'm going to be honest.
I got honest for one of the first times in my life. And I did what was suggested,
even though I didn't feel like it. I went to meetings. I shared. I stayed afterwards. I got
there early. I talked to people. And if it can work for me, it can work for you too. And you don't
have to do that alone. You don't have to do this alone. We're all in it here for you together.
That's all I got tonight, guys. Thank you to everyone for letting me share,
and thank you to AA for my sobriety.