Steps 8 and 9 – Big Book Study – Part 1 of 8 – Scott L and Matt C

I'm Scott Lee, alcoholic. Hey, Scott. Hi, you guys. Wasn't that fun? Oh, man. Eat that right up. Eat that Right Up. I'll talk a little bit about my own personal experience with Steps 8 and 9 and then do a little bit of book study. I had a particular amend that I was terrified of and in the interest of anonymity I'm going to probably change this story a little bit, leave out some details. But I had a very close personal friend who was a Green Beret. And I had done something to harm him. And it wasn't physical. And that ain't going to happen. And he found out about it. And I lied my way out of it. And then I got sober and realized that I was going to have to face him. And if I want to strengthen a muscle, you've told me to use it. And I claim I want To strengthen my faith. I was given a chance to use It. And I stood out in the hall. He was in Nashville for a reason. And I went over to his motel and I stood Out in the Hall. I can remember standing out there Praying because I didn't know If I was going to die in the next few minutes, because that was possible. That was absolutely possible. And if that was coming, there was nothing I was going to be able to do to stop it. And I prayed and asked God to go with me. And, I walked into his room, and I told him the whole truth. And, a couple of years later, my wife and I were in his hometown for a week, and we were his house guests. And today he and I are very, very close. That was my experience with it. And we were laughing at me, I think it was at breakfast, and Bob was talking and saying that he andI both believe the two hardest things to do in Alcoholics Anonymous, the two very hardest things, are to think about doing a four step and to think about doing a ninth step actually doing those steps is nowhere near as hard as thinking about doing them so if you haven't done them don't think about them and you let yourself off the hook on the very hardest two things that there are and that's my belief page 76 i'm not saying this is all of them but i have found five prayers here in the text. And Ted, hang on to 76 and flip to 58 because we're going to pick up a piece that is kind of a recurring theme here. Our story is disclosed in a journal way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. It says if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then any length together is going to be the recurring theme. But I've been in a lot of meetings where that was the topic, any length you get it. and they missed the piece that the book then tells us what that any length is it says then you are ready to take certain steps i wonder what steps they're talking about could it possibly is there any chance at all that if someone's on the next page could that possibly be it so so i think that's important that we now know what the any lengths are is to do the 12 steps all right on page 76 paragraph near the bottom of the page begins with probably if you count up four lines above that make it six it says we attempt to sweep away the debris which is accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves that's been a theme and then it says if we haven't the will to do this we ask until it comes so that's a prayer because that's who i'm going to ask and then it says remember it was agreed at the beginning we'll go to any links for victory over alcohol so that has to do with this particular step and i think there's some wonderful stuff in the rest of this i'm just going to do the prayers top of page 79 although these reparations take innumerable forms there are some general principles which we find guiding reminding ourselves that we have decided is to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience. We ask, there's the prayer, that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. I thought Bob laid that out pretty well in his story about facing going back to prison and I talk about the guy that could have killed me. And then we're not the great shining examples. That's just what we see that's necessary. Bob was talking about our fellowship being founded on Dr. Bob's eight step. I agree with that. What it's really founded on, I think my recovery hinges on the single thing I'm not willing to do, whatever that is. Because when I become willing to do that, then I can get this thing. That's when I'm willing to step out of management. When I don't have anything I'm Not Willing To Do To Make This Happen. Page 80. Very top. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. It's one of the underlying principles. And it says, if we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, that would be a sponsor, maybe a spiritual advisor. Ask God, there's another prayer, to help, and the drastic step is indicated, we must not shrink. Page 82. I've been talking here for a half a page about an alcoholic, it's a male alcoholic who's had an affair. So that's the reference here. First full paragraph, perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygone. for me is one of the most powerful prayers that we've got in our literature. Each might pray about it, having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind. What a posture for prayer. What a mental posture for praying is to have somebody else's happiness in mind as I pray. Wow. Page 83, second paragraph begins, The Spiritual Life. If you count up about four lines above that. It says, So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation – that's a prayer – that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love. That sounds a lot like the prayer on the facing page. Someone else's happiness in mind will be much enhanced if I can be shown the way of patience, tolerance, kindness and love. Here are some of my own perspectives on how I take someone through these particular steps. I hear people say, you know, then you burn your four-step. Well, if you want to burn your fourth step, I think it's a great idea but I highly recommend you make a copy of it first because you're going to need it when we get here to Step eight because it says that in the early part of the step that we've got this when we took inventory. Also, very frequently I find when I've heard someone's fifth step that there are things that he missed that we'll need to add to his eighth step. Sometimes there'll be some other things. So let's find out to whom do you owe amends and then let's talk about them. How can I become willing to make amends if I don't know what they are? So let'S sit down and talk about each individual one. And maybe you got 150 or 200, that's not unusual. Maybe we'll take them in blocks of 50, sit down for 45 minutes and talk about them one at a time. Some of them are very similar, so we can do some of them in blocks. I'll talk about that in a minute. And so let's talk about what this amend would look like. And then what I like to do is to have them start scheduling making amends. We are not going to ask you to turn your will and life over to the care of someone to whom you will amends. For the men that I sponsor, the people they go to make amends to are not final authority in what this amend is. We are, prayerfully. This other person may or may not accept the amends if they have an opinion on what it might be I think it's worthwhile for us to hear what that is and we'll certainly prayerfully approach it but they're not final authorities. The fellow I talked about earlier, if you'd gone to big Ken Sweeney before he got sober to make amends to him. He was the one that hated everybody and wished there was more of them. He would have spent the rest of your life bashing you with this amend. So they're not final authority. We are. And then I want them to start scheduling which one do you want to do first? And I think you like to have them do the hard ones first, don't you? I've been with somebody recently who did that. I don't do that. I think however your sponsor lays that out is perfect for you. But I just ask them, and sometimes I'll say, let's leave the ex-wife alone for right now. Let's put some of these on hold. And I trust what I get. I invite God into this relationship, this sponsor relationship, and I believe he comes. And it feels to me like we need to leave this ex- wife alone for a while, then that's what we're going to do. And if he has a strong feeling the other way, I'm willing to pray and negotiate about it. But sometimes it feels like some of Those need to be put on hold. So which ones would you like to do first? Pick one out. Which one are you going to do First? That one, yeah, that one looks good to me. When can you call that person to make an appointment to make the amend? Why can't you call them right now? Good. Schedule it for tomorrow if they'll see you then. Good. Tomorrow afternoon, 2.30, schedule for the amend. Perfect. I'll expect your call at 3. My phone rings at 3 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. Yeah, hi. Oh, he didn't even remember who you were? Well, okay, that happens. Don't be offended. Now, right? Now which one would you like to do next? Oh good, I think that's a good choice. When can you call him to schedule an appointment? Why can't you call him right now? Good, schedule it for tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow after 2.30, great, I'll be looking for your call at 3. See, he looks at his list and he says to himself I can't make 162 amends and I agree with him, he can't. Boy, we can make one today, right, we're only 161 days away from finishing this. It's a one-day-at-a-time concept. Because in my early sponsorship, I'd say I'd go make amends and it just, it's overwhelming. And when we take the one-de at-a time concept and apply it to amends, it becomes quite doable. You don't have to do 160, do one today. Do one tomorrow, maybe two tomorrow. Don't have to push it, let's just try to keep in motion with this thing. The other thing that I like to do at this point is i like to start them sponsoring by the time i get them into step nine there are a couple of reasons that's just where i do it and sometimes earlier sometimes not but this is sort of my rule of thumb i'm not laying it down for you and it's because at this point they've got a message to carry they're they're well into a spiritual experience they can coach someone very effectively through the first eight steps and that's going to take some time this this give is the big thing that's where the juice is when you get it you get a newcomer to sponsor and they got dead eyes and somewhere in this process you look in his face and he's lit up and i didn't turn those lights on but i was involved in it how's the tool in god's hand that's the highest high there is there's nothing that touches it so i want him involved in that. As Bob says, that's where the juice is. That's where it happens. It's just a magical thing and I want him involved in that as soon as he's ready and I don't care when he thinks he's ready. I have no interest in that whatsoever and by this time he knows that and he said well I can't find you. Well I'll find you somebody that's easy. Go to the nearest clubhouse, stand in the door there there, capture one I heard a speaker one time say, I was walking up to my very first AA meeting. Guy sitting on the steps drinking a cup of coffee looked up at me. He says, is this your first meeting? I said, yes. He said, well, I'm your sponsor and I want to tell you something. I want you, he said, I want you to work this program like your very life depends on it and this is your last chance because it just might be. He said that guy's still my sponsor. I don't have any problem with it. I'm asked sometimes about temporary sponsor what do you think about that I think it's a wonderful idea because it's hard for the new alcoholic to make a commitment of any kind and he's scared to death and he doesn't know if he can change sponsors and if he got the right he got all this stuff going on we make it really easy we just be a temporary sponsor you want to change I won't be offended it's not a big deal but I'm a one-trick pony baby I'm your sponsor I don't care what else you call it here's your first assignment that's it that's the way we're gonna do it I've got a friend who's been the temporary sponsor for a guy for 22 years right they're both still sober his temporary sponsor so it's you know it's for him it's it's the question I'm thinking sponsorship is always what's he need not what do I need I'm getting what I need is what does he need so I like to start him sponsoring the other reason I like that is that it gets him moving a little bit. By the time we get him to step nine, his life has changed. I mean, let's face it. He's been promoted at work. His bills are paid. His key fits in the front door. When he walks in, they don't scatter. He throws the switch. The lights come on. The phone rings. He doesn't hide from it. He answers it and admits it's him. I mean, he's sleeping in the big bed again, right? His motivation's gone, right, and it's my responsibility not to allow him to settle for relief. It's my responsible ability to get him all the way to recovery, and that means I can't let him slow down, and I get him sponsored with this new guy. The other thing I tell him on the new guy is i want you to get that new guy's permission blanket permission to talk to me in detail about him without getting further permission i want blanket and what's going to happen here is i'm going to coach you through coaching him through these 12 steps and we're going to do that as many times as we have to until you really feel solid with it i not too long before don died i asked him i said what's the sponsor's primary responsibility he said the integrity of the message. He had the answer to that question, and I believe he got it right. So I'll do that as many times. I've got a guy that I sponsored over almost 10 years, and he just can't seem to get this four-step in his mind. There are parts of it that just won't stick for him. I don't know how many times I've coached him through coaching somebody else through the four- step. I'm looking forward to the next one because this is life or death. I'll be there. I will be there for you. I do that with a smile on my face every time because that's what has to happen here. They're dying they're dying and and we've got the medicine so as this rookie begins to get into the steps this guy who's on step nine realizes that i've got formal assignments by this time he knows i've got formal assignment on 10 111 1 on 12 they're separate and he doesn't want his rookie to get to step 10 before he does and that really keeps him moving through nine especially when this this guy starts when he finishes his prayer thing in four this guy will accelerate through step nine it is an amazing thing to watch so so that makes my job as a sponsor a lot easier so that's that's the other reason that i do it that way and that's been real helpful for me um i want to talk about a couple of things that are a little bit controversial and i was going to say i don't want to be controversial but i don' t want to have to make amends to you i'm not worried about it um there's there's something that i hear in the fellowship and if you're doing it and your sponsor thinks it's a great idea i agree with your sponsor but i don't find the phrase living amends in the text i walked out of a meeting one time and a guy i spot whose sponsor i sponsor said to me you said something in the meeting i disagree with and i said what was that and he said you said your amends to your children would never be complete he said i don'T believe that'S right I said, why? And he said, did you go to your children and tell them what you thought you had done wrong? Did you ask them what they could do to repair the damage? Did you do what they said to repair the damage, did they give it? I said yes to all of that. He said you're trying to be the best father you can be today is not ninth step work, it's twelfth. It's the principles in all your affairs your amends to your children are complete the fact that you're trying to be a people who are spiritually awakened try to and have children try to be good parents and if you think you're still doing ninth step work with your children you've not accepted their forgiveness or God's or your own and you have work to do and I believe he was right and I came down off the cross that day I am still trying to being a very very good father to my kids it ain't nine step work it's 12th and that changed me i am watching teenage and older children manipulate us into doing some very very sick things under the banner of you were a lousy parent back when you were drinking it's not necessary not necessary now say again if your sponsor believes in living amends it's okay with me i just don't find it um the other one i want to talk about is even more controversial i've touched on it earlier and if you've done what i'm about to talk About and it's okay with you it's okay with me please please hear that as a young man i paid for an abortion and for those who were here when i told the part of my story about my spiritual experience i was laying in the bed in the treatment center my soul screamed for forgiveness it was for that and i received the forgiveness from god for thatand i'm at peace with it i get to step eight i owe amends to an unborn child i don't think it's possible i have been blessed since about four months over to be in the hands of big book people. This is page 83. Halfway down, there may be some wrongs we can never fully write. We don't worry about them. We can honestly say to ourselves we would write them if we could. And here's the piece. It says some people cannot be seen. We send them an honest letter. And I was shown how to write that letter. I'm going to share some of that with you. For those who picked up one of these things about how i teach people to cry on the back of that are details on how i've been shown to write these letters too and it's an unborn child a grandparent anybody that's gone to the other side that it is absolutely possible to get free i did it and i have watched many many of us get free doing this thing and i was shown that these letters are written outdoors under god's sky not under not indoors under man's roof that that it's two people gathered that the other person is there to what my wife calls spiritually hold the space that if you need to write a letter and i sit with you and we picked a good place that i will sit and pray i will have spiritual literature if i run out of prayer i will i will read spiritual literature i will hold this as a sacred place while you write your letter it is my experience that these letters are not about writing as step four has writing in it but that doesn't do much for you that's the observations and prayers my experience is that these matters are not writing they're about tears and that it wasn't my experience and the experience I've had with other people. It has been those tears that have been cleansing in this thing and I can't explain that to you and I'm going to share an experience with you and I don't only have permission to tell this. This man asked me, please, whenever I tell this, to tell us a piece of it. Back before I started being public about what I'm doing right now, I had shared fifth steps with a fellow that I sponsor. He heard mine as I heard his and he knew this story and he did not have a history like that. He began to sponsor a man who had paid for two abortions and was torn up very badly about it and some people are okay with it but this guy was torn right out of the frame and he called me knowing I had the experience and said would you come and I said absolutely and we sat down, the three of us for this man to write his letter and the way I've learned to do it is that you just begin to write dear unborn child or if you have a strong feeling it was a son or a daughter dear grandpa whatever it is and as soon as you can begin to cry you lay the pen down you cry as long as you can do not write and cry because if you do you compress the time frame and it doesn't tend to get complete and then as soon you as soon the tears stop on their own you begin to write again if you write one letter start crying again lay it down and it's a newsletter a family member, and I won't do all the detail. And at the end, when I got to the end of mine, I was absolutely sure I was through. I had just rung out. I had Just Ball, and thought I was finished. And I was told to sign Love, Dad. Wow. When I did mine and finished, I was handed a plain white envelope and told to address the envelope. I said, how do you do that? And they said, where is that child? And I said, with God in heaven? He said, that's correct. Address the envelope. And I addressed an envelope to an unborn child in heaven. And I was told to put extra postage on, that that was a long way from Nashville to the sea. And I mailed it, and I got free. And this other fellow I was telling you about, when we got to the point and I handed him the plain white envelope, and I said address the letter, he said to me, it doesn't say we mailed it it says we send them an honest letter and he said i want to burn this not in the sense of destroying it but where they are i think i can send it and smoke i said wow and we went out back by the rose bushes and he held a kitchen match to that and set it and now that's what we do and i watched him get free and it i do not have the power to make a mistake so ugly that god cannot turn it into something magnificent not just fix magnificent he regularly takes the very worst things I have ever done and uses them as tools to help other people that is a powerful God lack of power continues to be my dilemma and I say it again I said earlier today I believe God forgives me for everything I ever did and he loved me while I was doing it I believe that And I was told that that child and God are not mad. They want me to get free, and I believe that. And I got free. And I have watched an awful lot of us get free. I have also seen it require more than one letter. The balance of it is that I recommend at that point, once we've burned the letter, that they forget about it for a month. Sometimes I'll give them some off-the-wall assignments from read these three stories in the big book and look up two words on every page, that kind of thing. But let's leave that completely alone. And then about a month later, I want you to go for a walk. And we've chosen our place. We're at a city park where we can put the ashes in this beautiful stream or on the rose bed or something. And I think there are a lot of great options on that. I don't think you can make a bad choice on location if you just prayerfully approach it. And then a month after, I am going to go and go for walk with whoever this person is and talk to them and just see how they are. And the astonishing thing is we get free. If that doesn't feel free, sometimes it requires a second letter. If people write and cry, it typically requires a second letter because it compresses the process. I haven't seen anybody get free using this process who didn't cry in the process, I'm not saying it can't be done, I am saying I haven' t seen it, that's just my experience with it. It's some of the most powerful stuff I've ever done and there is a freedom that comes on that that is astonishing and I see some people I'm pretty sure got letters to write and I'd like to hold you when this meeting is over I want you to let me hold you for a little bit and let me pray over you because I absolutely believe you will get free I've never seen it miss I got some more of this thing the details and that's just how I do it I think there are probably a lot of great ways to do it i'm just sharing my experience strength and hope and i have experience and i serve a strong god and boy do i have hope so i got some more of these if somebody didn't pick up one of the cry ones it's on the back and you're sure welcome to it one ofthe other things that i'm changing horses a little bit one ofthetheotherthingsthatireallylike to do when i have somebody go to make amends is to make it short. And this, too, don't ever mess up an amend with an excuse. When you start making your excuse for yourself, you take all the power away from the amend that you're trying to make. Don't ever excuse yourself. You can accept they're excusing you, but don't excuse yourself I like to think that amends are brief. Your mother doesn't need to hear all of this stuff about what you did. It's real simple. Mom, I know I broke your heart a couple of times and I haven't been the son I could have been to you I believe I've hurt you and I'd like to repair that damage can you tell me how I can do that is there anything you need to talk to me about and I tell them if you take the fifth breath when you're making amends you've already said too much it's brief it is not a lecture course yeah we're not going to talk this out until they really understand that's not what we're doing here I don't like to use the word sorry. They've heard that too much. Nobody believes that anymore. I like to say I was wrong or I believe I harmed you or both of those I think are good choices. Here, I'm doing this as best I can. One of the things a lot of fellas have to do is they have to make amends to ladies whose charms they've availed themselves of lightly. To make an amend there and not make her feel cheap is a pretty tricky thing. This is what I've got on that so far. The first thing is the approach is very careful. If she's married, you've got to make sure we don't do any damage on the way in here. Get a girl that you know to approach her or something. Let's make sure We have a safe approach. The second thing is how do you what do you say? And this is what i like is to say I wasn't as good a friend to you as I could have been. I think I've done some damage. I'd like to repair that. Do you need to talk to me? Can you tell me what i can do treat with respect that's enough this uh it's been my experience also that it's not at all unusual for a ninth step of men to turn into a 12-step call for for them or for someone around them and um and i think you trust god on the way in i think just sit in the car before you go in and ask god to go with you and i believe in sending love i believe it can be done and we'll maybe talk about that when we get to step 11 but I send love into that place and trust what I get and maybe you tell them that you're an AA maybe you don't I don't know they got to be really careful about setting down rules on that I think if I invite God to go with me he goes and I know what to do and I believe everyone else does too this one is a gift from my wife for those of you who don't know Ms. Linda she's a fabulous speaker they got some of her talks get one she's 20 year Al-Anon she was coming through the steps and she'd been around a while and done the steps a number of times and she got to step nine and she felt like she was really complete and yet she was upset about it there was something troubling her and she couldn't find it so she prayed about it and this is the gift that she got is it occurred to her that she owed what she calls good amends and we think about all the things we did that damaged people I call it sins of commission things that we did the ones that I miss are the things that I should have done and didn't in particular i didn't say thank you and that's what she talks about that she realized that she owed sincere heartfelt thanks to some people that hadn't heard them there was a high school teacher that that got her off of the back row and involved in high school affairs and changed her life um there wasa woman that helped her one night when she was on a run and she went back and found these people and said you i never told you how important you were in my life i owe you tremendous thanks God knows what a blessing you've been in my life thank you so much I went and found my major professor from college and I thanked him and I went out and found the man that taught me to fly the one that set up like my Air Force career because he did a fine job and I and proof and said you I never told you how important you were in my life I owe you tremendous thanks god knows what a blessing you've been in my life. Thank you so much." I went and found my major professor from college, and I thanked him. And I went out and found the man that taught me to fly, the one that set up my Air Force career because he did a fine job. And I went profusely thanked him because I owed thank you. I thanked each of my parents individually for being the best parent they could be for me. I've thanked my previous sponsors. And now even any time I see them. I just did one recently that I just can't tell you how much you meant to my life, and it's such fun. What a wonderful thing. If you haven't thought about that one, I think you'll find it's fun. I'll tell you another one too, and this is kind of a general purpose thing, and I don't know why I put it in here. Maybe it'll make sense. There was a Christmas day a few years ago, and we ran out of milk. Family ran out of milk on Christmas Day. So at halftime, right? I raced out to the car, roared into a convenience store, ran to the back, grabbed the milk. You don't ever know when you're going to get one of these things. Somebody was talking about one, I think Alicia, somebody was talking About you just don't know when one of those things is just going to hit you. And as I approached the counter, I got a gift. And the gift was that this part of me saw a human being. There's a guy on Christmas Day standing behind the counter in a convenience store working on that day, I would guess for minimum wage time and a half, probably something like that. And I saw that. This part of me saw that and opened up and said to him, wow, thanks for coming to work on Christmas day. I bet there's someplace you'd rather be. But you see, my family ran out of milk. If you hadn't come to work today, we couldn't have gotten it. I really appreciate you being here. And it affected me then just like it is now, and it affected him the same way. And we were the only ones in that store. And I learned something that day because I have standing assignments from my sponsor. One of my standing assignments is to spread the joy. That's my assignment. And one of the ways I do that is I'm profuse with my thanks. Tomorrow as I leave here and fly, I've got to change planes in Washington, D.C., on the way to Nashville. I will thank everyone I can find that's working tomorrow on Sunday for coming to work today so I could go home. I'll thank the flight attendants, I'll think the pilots, I thank the gate agents, I think the ticket checkers. Thank you for working on the weekend. I bet there's someplace you'd rather be but I need to go home and I really appreciate you being here. Sometimes nothing, sometimes it hits them but it's always good for me. It's always for me when I stop by the health food store and I grab my lunch. You know, I say, thanks a lot. I lean back in the kitchen and say, hey, thanks for making my Big Mac and fries. No food stir. Why is that funny? And I say you guys make a really great lunch. Thanks for making me a big mac and fries and thanks for taking my lunch today. And sometimes it lights them up. Sometimes it doesn't touch them. I don't know. But it's for me. It's for m e. I try real hard not to take the good parking places. My legs are in pretty good shape and sometimes I'm in a mall or some place and it's all packed out and there's a really good parking place. I drive by it and I go park someplace else. Somebody else is going to have a great day because they found a great parking place because I gave it to them. I don't know about around here but around our place they say if you find a penny heads up it's a lucky penny. You pick it up What do you do with one that's tail-tipped? Bend over and turn it over. Yeah. I did that in this parking lot. I hope one of you guys found it. I didthat here yesterday. Did you find it? Yeah. And so it's this, it's an, I don't know what I'm talking about here. I don' t know that it's a man's, but what it is, Bob may know. He's going to pick up the pieces for me in a minute. I don't know. But what it is, is an opportunity for me to put positive things into this place, this planet. And I don' t know if I do things that are much more important than that. I want to give you a funny too. This is a true one. In my part of the country, in most of the meetings, they read the ninth step promises as part of the opening and somebody handed them one time at the shade tree group in Nashville to a girl who was still in treatment. We don't do this intentionally, alright? Somebody made a mistake. And she read, the fear of people and of economic insecurity will level us. Don't you love that? Oh! And I get another one just on it because I've diverted here. is one, I think I was the only one in the room that heard it. But somebody read this one the other day. Our story is disclosed in a general way what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to grow to any length to get it. Whoa! I said yes! Because that's what this thing is about. And I talked earlier about digging poison out of my soul. Not being poetic. That's what this whole process is about I think beginning with the commitment at the third step, with that prayer. With the forgiveness process in step four where I quit hating God's kids as a gift from him that I opened myself up to receive. As I begin to outgrow fear and learn to live only in this day. One day at a time, I first saw that slogan, I thought I know what that means, it means don't drink today. And certainly it means that. But I think it goes to a lot more depth because that's only going to be good for so long. And this is what I believe. I believe the first ten steps are designed to clean up my past so there's nothing gaining on me. I don't have to look over my shoulder, there is nothing gaining on me." The last two steps are about me embracing the truth that this loving, gentle, laughing God holds my future. Past is clean, loving God holds a future. Those two facts combine to free me to live one day at a time in this day. If I don' t have both of those in place, I can't be here. For me that's in part what these 12 steps are about. And this step 9, people talk about forgiving themselves, it's my experience that as I complete step 9 that I become comfortable in my own skin. I'm okay with me and my willingness for God to use these mistakes in my past no matter how ugly as tools to help other people, I think is one of the keys that keeps me at peace. I mean I'm ok with me. I said it earlier. I hope you like me. I really do. I am really okay if you don't. That is a powerful statement for a guy like me who lived only for your approval because I had none of my own. I'm okay with me now. And this, too. You see this here? I'm stuck in here. This skin. I'm trapped in here! I used to get out all the time. I'd go be somebody else. Right? Right? You guys used to tell me you were a jet pilot. I really was. And they didn't believe me either. And so if I'm going to live in here 24-7, if I am not going to be able to get out anymore, the first thing I had to do was to clean it up so I could stand it in here. And I believe that is what steps 4 through 9 are about. They are about taking out the trash. About what my sponsor said. If you are going to turn this over to God, maybe you ought to clean this up. Clean it up first. that's what this thing has all been about for me and a friend of mine says I think this is so powerful he says I worked this program to the best of my willingness I don't believe I have ever worked it to the rest of my ability