Steps 8-9 Amends – He’s Only Here to Give a Spiritual MRI – Russell S.

My name is Russell Spatz. I'm an alcoholic. And I also have a ever so slight nervous disposition. You know, Victoria, you don't know what that's like. Have you ever been nervous, Victoria? No. You know, there are some people in here that suffer from anxiety. I know that's never bothered you. Money's not important. It's just right up there with oxygen. I want to welcome everybody to whatever this is. Somebody called me up on the phone. Who called me up on the phone? Who was that? Who called? No, you're always calling me up on the phone. Somebody called me up on the phone and said, well, I got a friend. I got a friend. He needs to know what step you're on. I said, tell your friend. Anybody who needs to know what step I am, I do not consider that person actually sober. I just say shit like that to disturb people. Because whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So this is like a spiritual MRI. You know what I mean? There are actually people in the audience saying, what is this guy doing? I mean, I came here for a step series. There's something like this. They're like disturbed. So I'm helping them out. So they'll either drink over this, go nuts, be thinking about me for 16 weeks saying, why did they invite him? Or he'll make a list, go to his sponsor, get on his knees, and then tell me six years from now, I used to hate you, but now I love you. You're not disturbable. Yeah, I got... David, I sense a certain nervous disposition. I'm not like following. I'm not following the script. Shot. Okay, so let me see where... Oh, here it is. Okay, welcome everybody to the step series meeting, closed step series meetings of the Carl Gabels Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. Please join me in a moment... I guess I'm supposed to say somewhere, my name is Russell, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Russell. And I'm a member of the South Dixie Group. And please join me in a moment of silent meditation followed by the Serenity Prayer. Thank you. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of people who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for any membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution. Does not wish to engage in any controversy. Neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Announcements. Please silence your cell phones and refrain from conversations during the meetings. Please do not park in the building parking lot. Use street parking only. The suggested seventh tradition contribution is $3, but only if you can spare it. So there's like a minimum here. It's like a cover charge. You know what I mean? Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Now, please limit your share to three minutes so that more members can participate. And then read only if sharing a hybrid mean, this is a hybrid mean we have a, what is that. 43 people who are hybrid. We don't even know where they're real, but they're here from all over the planet mem members on zoom, please mute your microphones. That's a good idea. Members in the room, please use the microphone and sharing so that our fellows on zoom can hear you. you so i have asked or we have asked uh this who jazz jazz to read how it works and then somebody who's going to read 12 traditions what's your name lucas lucas is going to read the 12 tradition okay jazz it's all yours how it works rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path those who do not recover people who cannot or will not completely get themselves to this simple program usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves they're such a poor just they're not at fault they seem they seem to have been born that way they're naturally incapable of developing a manner of living which demand vigorous honesty their chances are less than average there are those two who suffer from brave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like what happened what we are like now if you have decided you all we have and are willing to go to any length to get it and you're ready to take certain steps at some of these we won't we thought we could find an easier social way but we could not with all the earnestness in our command it begs of you to be fearless and throw from the very start some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was no until we let go absolutely remember that we deal with alcohol cunning baffling powerful without help it's too much for us but there is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now half measures availed is nothing we stood up the turning point we asked his protection and care was completely abandoned here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery one we admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable two we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity three made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God and to the will of God and to the will of God and to the will of God as we understood or made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves five admitted to God to ourselves into another human being the exact nature of our wrongs six or and we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character seven humbly asking to remove our four times eight made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to the law at least nine made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others ten continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it eleven saw through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out and twelve having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs many of us exclaimed what an order I can't go through with it do not be discouraged no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles we're not saints the point is that we are willing to grow on spiritual lines the principles we have set down our guides to progress we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection our description of the alcoholic the chapter of the agnostic and the and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas a that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives be that probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism and see that God would remove all of us and the traditions okay Lucas thank you jazz yes our common welfare should come first personal recovery depends upon unity to for our group purpose there is but one ultimate a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience our leaders are but trusted servants they do not govern the only requirement for a membership is the desire to stop drinking before each group should be autonomous accepted matters affecting other groups for a as a whole five each group has but one primary purpose to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers six an a a group ought never endorsed finance or lend the a a name to any related facility or outside enterprise less problems of money property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose so every a a group ought to be fully self-supporting declining outside contributions eight alcohol Mon's randomized should remain forever non-professional but our service centers may employ special workers nine a ac such ought never be organized and we may create service boards or committees directly responsible those they serve ten Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy 11 our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion we need always maintain personal anonymity at maintain personal anonymity at the level of press radio and films 12. anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities thank you so first of all we'll start off in the rooms um in the room is anyone here for the first aa meeting to so introduce yourself by your first name only how about on zoom anybody here for the first day meeting raise your hand or nobody okay just a bunch of veterans okay next anyone visiting the carl room this is the car gables group car room for the first time oh my god look at this okay let's start over yes this young lady right here what is your name congratulations catherine good we're good we have a vis well we used to have visitors chips but they're gone cheap room yeah i understand that's why they need the three bucks yes cindy my name is elizabeth and cindy we're here for the first time are you like siamese twins or something you joined the band that's your sponsor elizabeth she's a wonderful young lady hi i'm elizabeth i'm an alcoholic i'm visiting from jensen from where jensen beach you drove down here to jensen beach for cindy unbelievable you really are sick okay so let's see what we got rachel hi my name is rachel i'm an alcoholic first time to this meeting oh it's good to see you rachel hey vera vera in the flesh i see you on zoom yeah yes all the time this young man who's sitting next to his claim to fame is he sitting next to lucas yes uh matt alcoholic visiting from where houston oh tucson tucson that's what happens when you take the wrong turn on route 66 i guess you know you wind up here whatever yes oh look at that kim go ahead can't make me alcoholic i know all these i know where are you from kimmy what are you saying where are you from oh connecticut yeah i know all these guys there's a bunch of guys here from zoom that came down they just so boring they're boring lives you know they came down here okay let's see is anybody here in the zoom deal we want i want to treat you unlike a lot of you i want to treat you like you're actually human beings and we care about you anybody in the carl gables group for this meeting for the first time nick i used to sleep behind me yeah yes edward don't mind him he can't help it yeah good to see you and that's jennifer right jennifer he's just announced your name i'm from canada but i'm actually in ocala florida today well why didn't you drive down from ocala i don't i don't understand elizabeth did sorry okay well anybody wants to join yes uh lisa lisa you have your hand up yeah hi everybody i'm lisa this is the first time at this meeting yeah i know you're from japan and then there's nick and he's actually uh awake and sober today and fully clothed which is very unusual for him go ahead nick go ahead just introduce yourself first time at the carl gables room thank you very much i see most of these guys all the time almost every day because i go to about two or three zoom meetings they always they're all hanging out there you know and i know them all they're good friends of mine i love them they're good guys yes we love you guys so uh what's the deal so somebody asked me what did i say yeah that's true he said what step you on guys people ask that stuff they ain't sober you know what does it matter you what step what step you on so listen i'm supposed to be on the night i'm supposed to be on the ninth step so uh you know it says alcoholics are undisciplined so we allow god to discipline yeah i know we allow god to discipline himself i'm allowed god discipline me so so this is technically a ninth step meeting i'm gonna read something about the ninth step about i said my name is i haven't found necessarily have a drink since january 25th 1981 so i'm in my room and i'm gonna read something about the ninth step my 44th year and uh and uh i'm like a commercial you know and uh i'm an alcoholic and and i suffer i don't drink anymore you know maybe in a half an hour but like right up until this it's possible i never say everybody i've ever said everybody i've ever heard say i'm never going to drink again they always get drunk how can you it's hard to explain but there are people in here that'll understand because if you've been through it and you you have that mindset you understand it you know and uh so it's hard to explain how you can um feel safe and secure from the drinking thing but some somehow absolutely be sure you could be drunk in an hour it sounds like it's an impossible thing to hold those two thoughts in your mind hold the thought in your mind that you're safe and secure and you love god and you you and his grace has taken to you to a place where you're not going to be harmed and at the same time know that you can be drunk in an hour it's sort of uh it's the kind of thing that uh well i'll tell you what's what it's good for it's good for uh if you're into something called commitment you know what i mean if you're into commitment if you're into that rocket in the fourth dimension thing experiencing much of heaven and the only and the great fact is only this if you want to get there and experience much of heaven is god's got to be the central factor of your life right and you got to be the central factor of your life and you got to be the central factor of your life right and you got to be the central factor of your life and you got to be the central factor of your life be convinced that he lives in your heart and mind which is indeed miraculous that's not me that's the big book and and after all drinking is not really my problem and never was my problem well it was a little bit of a problem but it was really just the symptom of the disease because that's what the big book says i try not to stray too far from the big book of 12 it says it's a symptom of disease the real disease centers in my mind not my body which is i'm insane and i'm crazy i was crazy before i started drinking i was crazy during the drinking i'm a little bit crazy i'm a little bit crazy crazy after all these years now you know so i suffer from something called alcoholism which is not the drinking the drinking is what i used and worked for many years quite frankly to stop me from blowing my brains out but then uh it stopped working so uh it doesn't drinking doesn't work for me anymore and then you try the women and you try the romance and try the money and you try the cars you try everything because it all works a little bit for a season and then and then one day you realize that nothing's working for you and you start talking to yourself and you start talking to yourself you you're not you don't know you're talking yourself you just hear a voice your voices if you're an outlaw like me you're just such an idiot you're such an you ought to kill yourself you're never gonna be you hear those voices with 20 years sobriety you hear that well who's saying that to me you turn around nobody in the car but you you know and yeah you hear that stuff uh i i had a guy once say to me um if you don't have a purpose for living by the time you're 30 you might have been 20 i don't know he said you're going to be to a certain extent neurotic and i've been one neurotic son of a for my entire life because i because apparently chasing women i thought it was my purpose why did i do that i mean why i spend all that money and do all that stuff chasing women chasing romance chasing sex chasing money chasing and chasing whatever chasing getting buff losing weight whatever chasing things waking things waking up every morning saying if only i had this if only i had that if only whatever you know that that would be okay and chasing that stuff is a good thing but chasing women is a good thing too around for 10 20 30 i came when i was 31 years old never and it would be okay for a nanosecond then never okay again you know that kind of thing and and you know i'm chasing all that stuff in order to fix myself is there a problem i'm sorry okay so i'm i'm i'm chasing all that stuff to try to fix myself and nothing's working except for the drinking and then the drinking stops working then it gets really bad and that's the disease that's the dis-ease of alcoholism that's what i got and and uh when i first came into aaa uh what happened was uh and and you know this i'm just reporting this is just my life it doesn't have to do with your life you don't have to agree with it or anything like that don't get i'll say stuff it'll probably make you mad it'll piss you off i hope uh but i hope i pray uh but uh it'll be you know i'll say i'll say stop no use getting mad i'll get in my car say why did i say that that was stupid you know you know but but at least if you get pissed off then you got something to work on maybe you just don't like my personality right who's this guy thinking you don't like my personality maybe you don't like people that have my personality maybe you've hated people that have my personality all your freaking life maybe you can't stand people with my personality maybe you walk out here and you need another meeting just to get over me you know and maybe you feel like drinking you get a real resentment you say have you heard that guy wrestle with an asshole you know and maybe you decide you're going to stay sober and you read the book and said resentment is our number one immediately number one um whatever offender and and so you you write me down this russell he's talking like he knows me he thinks he knows everything who the hell is he blah blah blah what does it affect my self-esteem and you know like to say in the book and disregarding what then you do the whole thing where you disregard this is like four steps it's like getting up to the night disregard whatever he did where was i wrong well i judged him you know i don't really know him i didn't listen to a fucking word he said you know what i mean because i was so busy hating him you know what i mean and then i started spreading rumors and gossiping about him behind his back you know and people in a you know don't say don't gossip about people because that's what i used to do in bars don't say bad shit about people behind their back you don't if you're not if you're not gonna say something good about somebody just shut the hell up you know what i mean and i shouldn't have done that and maybe i owe him an amends or something like that and then you pray over it and all of a sudden you're not mad at me anymore and six years from now you say you know i used to hate you now i love you and and so i don't bother you anymore not only that all the assholes like me out there they don't bother you anyway either you see you just get over me and then you get over everybody else reminds me of my ex-husband well yeah yeah but i like your ex-husband i like that guy you know but uh that's how we get over this world the way you get over this world is because you're not mad at me anymore and six years from now i say you know i used to hate you get a resentment we get mad we think we're right we have justifiable anger you know we rationalize we tell ourselves rationalize we say pissed off we have horrible lives then we come in here you say okay whenever you're disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you it's not russell it's not something else then we write the stuff down we do all that we get over russell we get out we get we get over every other individual that used to piss us off our ex-husband that's like russell and that's a whole group of people in the world that don't piss you off anymore and you feel better and if you can manage to get pissed off you know the only difference between me and you is i've been pissed off for 44 years in aa so can you imagine how many resentments and people i've gotten over so that's when i said to my sponsor i said to him i told him about how i was pissed off at my wife he says well that's not the problem he said uh you know he said why are you upset he said you're upset because you're upsetable and i had to realize that whenever i was upset it was always because it was something wrong with me and as soon as i got rid of whatever it was was wrong with me all of a sudden the stuff that was upsetting me wasn't upsetting me anymore you know it's like the old sponsor said to me when i was pissed off of a guy for bouncing a check on me and i was telling everybody in the world what an asshole he was bouncing a check and he said to me you know you keep on talking about this guy and everything like this he says yeah he bounced the check on me caused me to bounce a check i said and you know alcoholics like to say things like well if it happened to you that's our justice well you'd be up until you come to aa if it happened to you you'd feel the same way and then you come day and you meet people that don't act that way you meet a guy that's you say well if you were dying of cancer you know you'd feel the same then you meet a guy that's dying of cancer and he's trying to help other people and he's happier than anybody in the room you say what the hell is that all about i mean first you got amazed that people aren't drinking then you got amazed that people aren't feeling bad sorry for themselves and so you have no excuse you know they say a ruins you're drinking because you see a whole bunch of people who are alcoholics and as nutty as you are they're not drinking so you can no longer because you know now you don't have to drink that you're drinking you're drinking you're drinking you're drinking you're drinking you're using the drink so you meet a lot of people that have all sorts of problems unbelievable problems and they're not feeling sorry for themselves and it ruins you're feeling sorry for yourself because you know that there are people in aa that you know have cancer i've also stuffed kids are dying and they're trying to help other people so you know that you you can no longer use the excuse well if it happened to you you'd feel the same way and so my sponsor says stop talking about that guy what do you he said well how many bounce the check and he said so he says to me um he says well how would you feel if it didn't bother you and i said and i say i say you know somewhere in this book this is a 12 and 12 somewhere in this book i remember reading i don't know whether anybody knows where it is somewhere in this book it says uh all the steps go counter to our uh our into our natural intuition our our what our natural it goes so it part of the the um insanity is we have to be crazy crazy i call them crazy they don't say crazy they should say crazy they could say crazy because they say we're crazy you know we're supposed to be restored to sanity because we're insane so but they don't say crazy because it's very non-confrontational it's not like me you know what i mean it's very nice it's hard to get pissed off the book you know because they're very they don't say crazy they say they go count he said it says we're insane it sort of like implies we're insane that the disease centers in our mind the disease centers in our mind so we have like a if you think of it they're saying we have a diseased mind and uh and so uh and then it says this it says um they all go counter to our instincts so apparently if you're an alcohol you have an instant you have instincts instincts you don't even think about instincts do you that they don't even think about you don't think about instincts you just instinctually say go yourself you know you just it's like an instinct it's like i know you guys don't say i say like that you know and you could you're you're permitted to judge me you can't judge me on you want it doesn't bother me so in any event but but the thing is our instincts are just the way we think automatically we don't we don't say things well should i tell you you know we just immediately say go screw yourself don't you know we just that's the way we are and that's what it must mean what is it says it all over the book but it says it in non-confrontational ways for instance selfishness self-centeredness that means we're selfish and we're self-centered that applies to our instincts we're selfish and we're self-centered we're self-centered we're self-centered we're selfish and you so selfish and self-centered driven by a hundred forms driven by a hundred forms of fear that means driven means you can't help it you can't help yourself because you're powerless over alcohol you're a palace over being an i know that because my sponsor translated the big book to you know because big book said no this is the translation this is the actual translation this is a bob sullivan's translation of the big book selfishness self-centeredness driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion self-seeking self-delusion delusion means we can't separate the truth from the false we don't see reality we step on the toes of others and they retaliate we hurt other people and they retaliate seemingly without provocation but we realize we ultimately realize you know when you get to be my age you know we ultimately realize that um we've made decisions based upon being selfish that's our position to be hurt so an alcoholic cell phone right though he usually doesn't think so and my sponsor said because i was asking for an interpretation he said well russ what it means to you is that you don't give a about anybody except yourself you don't give a about anybody except yourself so i'll let you explain to me why i'm wrong why bob sullivan was wrong i want you to read it over and again yeah tell me now the problem with the second definition and this is why everybody needs a good sponsor like that is the the second definition sort of like drives home what's really going on here and apparently it's it's my understanding that unless an alcohol gets hit overhead with a hammer or gets somehow hurt or embarrassed or shamed none of this stuff it just rolls off our back which is probably why they say uh we get a new respect by repeated humiliations final question of our self-sufficiency you know that's probably why we need that's probably why god disciplines us you know he puts people in our lives to tell us things we don't want to hear you know that kind of i i could be wrong about this is a theory i've developed over the last few years you know i've been doing you know so in any event so that's the deal so i'm gonna i'm gonna so i'm so this is a technically a step nine meeting and then i can talk about what i'm gonna do something now i'm not there yet i'm gonna do something now on step nine it'll be like not longer than two minutes okay and then this will be theoretically a step nine meeting and uh it says uh may direct them as such wherever possible except when do so would injure them or others okay forget about that here's no no because it's not important because oh well let's okay before i get to step nine let me say this here's my problem i think at at my age right now what have i been to 30 40 000 meetings gone through the steps 10 billion times going through this thing this living life and everything like that uh i've been i've been getting this thing called a new perspective i have a new perspective i'm not the guy who walked in with three months i'm not the guy i'm not the way i was at five years i'm not the way i was in 20 years i'm not the way i was in 30 or 40 years that's why i worry about the conference i get a little concerned about things like the conference you know i look this conference says a bunch of things they're all good they're all good i don't necessarily believe that but they're all good i'm going to say that because i don't want to be disbarred from a but but i think i looked up the conference it was in 1950 the guy was running the conference was bill wilson bill wilson was running the conference he had uh like 20 years sobriety it was right before he started using the lsd or was it right after he started using the lsd i'm just a little concerned about following the guy had like 20 years you know i got 40 you know like this i'm in my 44th year maybe maybe he might have changed if he went up to i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know there's some things down this you know what's happened is i sort of think for myself to a certain extent now you know and i'm and i'm a major aaa guy i don't want to change it or anything i just wanted to go back to the way it was between 1935 and 1939 you know where it says rarely have we seen a person fail it was thoroughly where they got you down on your knees where they said all that where dr bob said seek ye first the kingdom of god and his righteousness and all things will be added unto you where i just wanted to go back to the way it was in the beginning because it's not i want to change it it's not i want to change it it's not i want to change a they changed a on me you know because they didn't want to do it they didn't really want to do it because it was too drastic even though on page 42 it says the program's drastic and what i found is in order to stay alive and not only alive and not drinking alive and not drinking and being rocked in the fourth dimension of existence and having the joy of living you got to get involved in the drastic stuff not the rolling of your eyes i can't believe you said that or i don't want to talk about god or i'm like but you got to get involved in a drastic change and drastic shit if you want drastic sobriety to get the thing that most people will never get an a like 95 percent people never get you got to be willing to do things that most people never do you know so that's why i hang around people that are speaking unashamedly about god what he's done for him in his life because bill wilson said the lord has been so wonderful to meet jeremy of this double z i gotta keep talking about him and telling other people so i want to hang around people that has the bill wilson attitude you know like the the room lit up you know what i mean it was like a wind a spiritual wind blew through is this the god of the prophets and he says i knew that god could and what i i knew that if he wanted him enough he would come and he came and for a moment i was okay but then the worldly clamors mostly with myself blotted him out blotted god out so i don't really want to hang around people that are plotting god out or rolling their eyes i want to hang out with those guys that are rocketing out and i just want to hang out with them because they're not going to help you in the future it's really what i do because the people you'll hang out with for the next five years will be will determine what will determine what books you're reading you know the the books the people you hang out with the books you read will determine where you're going to be in five years and the books you read the pendant depending on people you hang out with so so the thing is so my story has changed the way i look at things have changed so if i do a step nine i used to do the something i know about the step how about how about living the steps you know i was oh that was a step two oh i did step three oh i did step four that's the step 12 and everything how about just waking up and living your life and you don't have to worry what step you're doing because you're doing the steps all the time but it's not the steps it's just a matter of living which demands rigorous honesty why not just be rigorously honest but why not why not just get rid of all those instincts and just live your life free why not that deal so i look at it differently you see because of all these perceptions i've been through as a result of being beaten up you know so so where if i was doing step nine in the car room which i did 40 years ago in the car room 40 years ago i would talk to you he says well you comes out the fourth step you make the eighth step list and on the eighth step list out of the eight step then you and i talk about how i talked to my sponsor and the prudence and everything like that i give you some examples of how i made the ninth step i would do a classic ninth step just like talking about a drunk a lot you know what i mean and so um and that's what i would do but i look at the ninth step differently now because because i see a lot of people doing ninth eighths and all these steps and they end up drinking again so i look at it differently i'd look at it as the what i look at it is what these steps have to do with a drastic personality change i look at the personality change because if you have the personality change then you're going to do the steps naturally there's not even any work about it so i look about how it's changed and how it's worked on me not the mechanics of it but there are plenty of people nobody's going to suffer because that because i'll be out of here somebody the guy will come in he'll do like a classic ninth step and everything like that so i talk about things that are goofy you know but somehow so what happens is when i first came in it was all about the new person is the most important person in the room and i believe i don't necessarily believe that's true i don't i don't you know who i mean you know what i believe i believe the guy who has 11 years and doesn't think he's going to drink again in six months he's going to be drunk he doesn't even know it i believe he's the most important person in the room because you know the new people will you don't have to worry about new people because if they want this thing you you you you could take a piss in front of the room and they won't leave and they'll ask you for your number you understand what i'm saying and if they don't want this thing if you say one thing they don't like they're out of this fucking place you understand and the booze will bring them back in that's why we insist on people hitting bottom because nobody's going to do this crap or change their way of doing unless they think their lives depend upon it so anybody who thinks that the reason people stay around here is because they love the coffee or something they stay around here to save their lives and if i'm ready to save their lives the greatest speak in the world ain't going to make any difference you understand what i'm saying but i'll tell you what happens when you get five years and ten years and you think you got it you know what i mean and you and and somehow you don't even realize that you're looking at the cameras and you're looking at the girl and you're looking at the money and you're looking at the car and you're looking at all that stuff and you're getting ready to drink or blow your brains out and you're going to a and nobody's saying anything that makes sense to you because all they're talking about is don't drink go to meetings and you're not drinking and you're not drinking and you're going to means and you're doing everything and it's still crap you know what i mean so that's the person so i have a heart for that we all have a calling my first calling but you know here's the weird thing about this whole deal the weird thing about the whole deal So these days, my heart is to try to talk about the disease and the craziness that's going on. Because, yes, it's nice to be able to, what do they say? I identify with the drunk logs and everything. You know, you give a drunk log everybody. But you know what's nice? What's nice when people start identifying with the thinking and the craziness and say, I got that deal. You understand what I'm saying? And here's the crazy thing. You think you're talking to the old timers or the guys with 11, 12 years. But the crazy thing is, is after you talk about the insanity and what God can do for you, the newcomers who are looking for depth and weight, they understand everything you're saying. You know why? Because they got the same disease. But they're no longer thinking about the drinking. They're thinking about being crazy. You understand? That's what they're thinking about. They're thinking about the craziness. And that's the deal. And so the newcomers to come to. And that's the way it works. So in any event, so now that's what I do. So I'm going to talk about, I'm going to read you something from step nine. Okay? We'll see whether this has anything to do. This all has to do with step nine, you know. No, you don't know that. You believe it? You believe it? Well, let's see. Step nine. First paragraph. This is the only thing you have to know. Good judgment. Good judgment. Good judgment. Anybody know an alcoholic that has good judgment? It says good judgment is necessary for step nine. Where are you going to find, where's an alcoholic going to get that? I mean, do you actually know alcohol? I mean, do you actually know alcohol? Do you actually ever have good judgment? I mean, maybe, maybe 10 years after you did step nine, you got to good judgment, you know. I know your sponsor said do this and do that. And so you went ahead and did it. And we'll substitute that for good judgment. Following direct, we'll substitute following directions for good judgment. Okay. But I'm telling you how they start off by saying good judgment, a careful sense of timing. Oh, that's for sure. Alcoholics. No question about it. Three o'clock in the morning. Three o'clock. Victoria, Victoria, I noticed you today. Did I piss you off? Did I say something wrong? Yeah. Good judgment. A careful sense of timing. Courage. Yeah. Do you know any alcoholics that have courage? Well, you probably know different alcoholics than I was. The only alcoholics I know are cowards. I'm not saying everybody. I'm just saying, let's face facts. Alcoholics are cowards. They worry about themselves. They're scared shitless of everything that moves. But they usually do not think so. Okay. So I spent the first two or three years in alcoholics and on the same, the serenity prayer. And I became an expert on acceptance. I could accept anything, anything or anybody. I just pray about and acceptance is great. Let me tell you, it's the answer to all my problems. No, it's not. It's not real. What does that say? Except an acceptance is the answer to all my problems, but it's not, but it is, but it really isn't. It'll keep, but it says acceptance is the answer to all my problems. But, but you know what, you know what? Then they have this other part of the expression. What's the other one? Uh, God granted me the serenity to accept things. I cannot change the courage, the change, the things I can. Then I spent the next 30 years working on the courage part. Cause the courage part, you got to actually do shit. The acceptance part, you just don't drink and you go to meetings and you accept what's happening to you. You know, when, when, when the boss treats you like shit or in the, everything's going to shit and everybody's treating you like shit and you're hanging around shitty people and you're hanging around toxic people or a boss or something like that. If that's what's happening, you can sit around and you accept that job and accept that boss. And then you go up to somebody like your sponsor and you tell them what's going on. He says, well, that's horrible. Why don't you look for another job? And then you say, man, this guy doesn't understand. He doesn't understand because that would require me to go out and actually interview him. Everything. And what if my boss finds out? And so what happens is you live the life of a coward. You stay in a horrible situation because you're too scared to go out. You find out how important courage to take a stand is, you know, courage to be able to tell people the truth. Look them in the eye and tell them the truth because you want to help them because you're so worried about what they think about you. So good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage and, and prudence, prudence, whatever that is. You know, prudence. Listen, if I could do this shit, I wouldn't have been here in the first place. I wouldn't be here today. And prudence. Those are the qualities. Well, shall we? Well, we take when we take step nine. So I'm closing the book. That's why step nine. So we've done stuff. So let's talk about let's talk about the real problem. Let's talk about the real problem. The problem. I see it. I don't see, you know, step nine. You'll make the list. You'll do this stuff. You'll either do it. You won't. Your sponsor will tell you, you owe this person an amends. You'll do the amends. You'll do this step nine. Then you'll do for 10 years. You'll do step 10. You'll do step 10 until you're 20, 20. You'll do step 10 all the time because you're always screwing up. You don't have courage. You know what I mean? You'll do step 10 all the time. And then then somewhere along the line, you'll get to the point. I got to this point. You know, I'm not perfectly, not perfectly, but you'll get to the point where you realize you get sick and tired of making amends. You get sick and tired of saying, I'm sorry. I get sick and tired of saying I'm wrong. Get sick and tired of making those lists. And then all of a sudden, it dawns upon. You or as Cindy, my friend Cindy would say, you get an epiphany. You say, you know, John Wayne said, life is tough. And if you're stupid, it's even tougher. So here's and you say, well, if I don't say shit like that and if I don't do crap like that and I don't, you know, and if I don't, then I don't have to make an amends. And then you stop doing stupid things. And all of a sudden they're saying, are you making your meds? I said, no, I don't really make too many amends. I haven't been going up there. He says, why? I said, don't do stupid shit. I said. I said. Shut up. I don't say shit unless I'm at the car room talking. You know what I mean? But but, you know, you don't you don't do stupid shit. You know, you just and you know, that's right in line with the big book is what's supposed to happen. I don't know if you guys read this in 12. It says what happens is we learn restraint. You see, the 10th step is ultimately supposed to get you to the point where you have restraint of tongue and pen. You stop doing stupid shit. The 10th step is not forever. You stop doing stupid stuff. And if you don't do stupid stuff and you don't hurt people, then you find yourself out of business. You're out of the nine step business, you know, in a sense. But you never really admit because nobody's perfect. You know, you know, you're going to be working on this all your life. But it sort of feels like you're at it because you're just not feeling guilty all the time and you're not hurting people. As a matter of fact, what you're trying to do is help people. And so that's what you talk about. So so let's talk about the stuff that you really need for the night. So let's talk about courage and prudence and timing. And that that comes from something called inspirational thinking. So there's a different there's the kind of thinking that you think, which is into what what's that word again with the eye instinct? There's instinctual thinking where you're driven and you just do shit and then you got to make up for it and you blow up people and then you got to make amends. And it is that kind of thinking which you've been thinking. Now, let's face it. I was thinking that way until I was 31 years old. And then I came day and I thought that way for the next 20 years. You know what I mean? The instincts don't go away. Right. You know, you just get pissed and you call up blah, blah, blah. It's not a thing. So the instincts don't go away so that you do that for another 10, 20 years. Then slowly over a period of time, as you get humiliated and pounded over the head, you stop doing stupid stuff. You stop thinking instinctually. And here and there, once in a while, you have what's called inspirational thinking. Newcomers have it. I had it. You go to me. He says, you know, it sounds like this person goes and he says, man, you wouldn't believe what happened to me today because they have like what Cindy has an epiphany. She's like she's like an epiphany magnet. You know what I mean? So she has an epiphany. So what happens is her mother, you know, women, it's always the mother. You know what I mean? Her mother says what mothers say. You know, you never know how to pick a good man. You know, this is why you're going to be single all your life. You know, you say stupid things to women. Mothers say stupid things to women, hurt their feelings and things like that. And so the woman comes in. She says, she says, she says, you wouldn't believe what happened. He says, I went to see my mother. And like she always does. She said. This whatever mothers say to daughters that drive them crazy. This is why I hate you. And I'll never come in. Piss on your grave. You know, and she said, she said, and I was going to rip her head off and everything. But I said this instead. And she said, well, thank you, honey, or something. And everything was like wonderful. And then you hear him saying, hey, they say this. And that's not me. And it ain't you. It ain't you. It's God showing himself. It's what. It's called inspirational thinking. And you know, it says we come. It becomes a working part of the mind. We come to rely upon it after 30 years, 30 years, 35 years. I don't know. You know, you come to rely on it. And all of a sudden you're thinking on a different basis. You're with me so far. And at that point in time, you have something called prudence, good timing and courage. Because it says in the big book. It's just big book stuff. You know, but it depends on how you read it, isn't it? See, I read it one way. I read it one way when I had three months. I read it another way now. So the big book, it says with the help of the Bible, because I read the Bible and stuff like that, too. So this is the way I read. So it says it says the Bible says we never apologize for God. Yeah, I'm quoting the big book, by the way. We never. But I'm just talking about it differently. I'm looking at it with different lens. We never apologize for God. Then it says it again. We never apologize for God. All men of faith. And of course, we mean women to all men of all people of faith have courage. That's that second part of the of the straight prayer. Courage. All men and women of faith have courage. They trust their God. I'd say, hey, that's the real program. You know, once the guys in the back are saying, well, I want to hear about God or if I had a big God or I'm an atheist. I don't care. You know, that thing they announce proudly. They're atheists. You know, the part of the book where they say that thing. It must be abandoned. A celebrates being an atheist. They celebrate being an atheist. You talk about God. They say, don't go about that shit. But you know about being an atheist all you want. But see, it's changed on me. But even all men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. And let's instead we let him demonstrate in our lives through our testimony what he's done for us. And once we get down, grow fear, the fear of the courage thing. So if all men of faith have courage, they trust their God. If all men of faith have courage, then what that must mean is that people who don't have serious abandon yourself to God or to leave faith are cowards. Now, it doesn't say all alcoholics are cowards. It just says men of faith have courage. Therefore, if you don't have faith, you're a coward. At least that's what Bobby Sondland said. You know what I mean? And I don't like that because I'm an alcohol and I don't like to be corrected. And I don't like to hear shit like that. But only if you're prepared to drastically do the program and hear shit like that, you'll never grow up. You'll always think like an idiot, like you always thought. You understand what I'm saying? Like a child, like you always thought. Right. So if if all men of faith have courage and you develop your faith in God and your faith in people that believe in God and you follow God, you're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. You're a coward. And you get involved with all those people. Then at one point in time, you're going to have courage. And you're going to have a perfect sense of timing and prudence. And oh, that's the perfect combination to be able to do a ninth step. Don't you think? Or even better than a ninth step, you don't even have to hurt somebody. Just live your life a way so you never have to do a ninth step. A ninth step. Amen. It's almost like practicing these principles. Oh, no, I can't say that. That would be the 12th step. I don't think I'm allowed to mix 9 or 12. Maybe God takes care of this whole thing. Maybe everything takes care of it. Maybe I'm seeing a pattern, you know. I'm just seeing a pattern here. You see, this is the way I read the big book. Before I read it like a recipe. Two ounces of this and two ounces of that. Mix it up, you get a cake. You know what I mean? Now I see a whole different. I think it's all about God. It's all about utterly abandoning yourself to him. God is everything or he's nothing. There is one who has all power. That one is God. I see it as it says, therefore, your real reliance must be on him. He'll show you how to create the fellowship you crave. The fellowship I crave. People that believe in God. That love God, you know. So, I don't know. What did I do? The ninth step? Was that the ninth step? What was that? Was that the ninth step? Or was that the fourth step? Or the first step? Or the second step? Or the 11th step? Or was that the 12th? I get all mixed up. You know? So, the guy asked me. He says, so what step are you on? So, what step am I on? I guess it depends upon what step you're on or where you're at. Right? That's what it depends upon. So, I said something about something. Right? Isn't that the deal? So, if you have this disease, though, there's, you know, what's that show that produces something for everyone? You know, a show tonight or something like entertainment tonight. It's like entertainment tonight. You all get a little entertained by stuff. But you look at that. Maybe you look at things a little bit differently. Maybe you realize why God is so important. Why the whole thing is based upon your knowledge of him and your faith in him. Every step. Every step. You know, I could, you know, I could talk about. It doesn't matter. I can pull up step four. I can pull up step four and read you step four. It'd be the same thing as step nine. I can pull up step 11. It would be the exact same thing as step nine. I can pull up step 12. It would be the exact thing as step one through nine. It's all the same thing. It's all about understanding that you're not the deal. God is everything or he's nothing. Half measures avail us nothing. It's a drastic program. You got to turn your will and your life over to him. It's no longer your life. I went into my bucket list today. You guys got a bucket list? I got a bucket list. I used to say I don't have no. I do have a bucket list. You know, so I went in today and you know what it said? It said, find one more person that you can help and share this story with. That was on my bucket list. You know, just one more person. You know, treat everybody like they have a broken heart because they probably do. You know, one more person. That's my bucket list, you know, and you know how. Let me tell you something. You never run out of crazy people. You can't. I mean, I'm telling you, it's like unbelievable. It's like the world is like manufacturing them, you know. And if you really get desperate, just go to the Paul Gables group of affluent. You know, they're all they're all meeting here. You leave the night and I go after the one or we're all here. Right. What do you think of that? So that's the deal. What was that? What was that? I fulfilled my response at these prices. What do you expect? You know what I mean? That's the deal. And that's so that's what I do. That's my that's my purpose in life. I don't want to, you know, listen, my poor wife is here. You know, she's she's who knows what she's hearing. But anyway, that she wants five minutes to give a rebuttal. Tell you what. I'm going to let him know what you're really like. You know, she used to say that, you know, she used to say that. I remember the first time she says, how about if I just go down to the car room and tell him what you're really or when I would do something at home and she'd say, oh, very good. Why don't we just tell about that? Down at the Carl Gables group. You know what I mean? Oh, Lord. You see, you can. And I told him, she says, you can tell him. I tell him all about it. You know what I mean? They already know. They already know. Crazy. You know, so it's a it's an incredible way of life. When you look at it, it's all about the God thing. Yeah, it's hard to get in here. I don't even know how anybody gets the God thing because these days in a nobody talks about. I don't want to say nobody talks about their rooms that they talk about it. I know. I know that. I know I talk about him. I know a lot of you guys talk about him. And a lot of you guys on Zoom talk about him. But but there are rooms they never talk about God. They give you the newcomer and everybody else a clear understanding that it's not welcome. You know, not welcome. God's not welcoming here. And I don't know. He's like, you know, it's like a. What is it? It's it's like a self cleaning oven. Every 10 years or so. The bullshit burns off. I mean, that's why we all stay together, because somehow you keep on getting the guys who stick it around. Somehow, some way get this shit. They figure it out through pain and crushing and humiliations. They figure it out. They figure out what's what, you know. But initially, it's not exactly welcome in our box because of our nature. That's why it's not. Well, that's why people walk out. That's why people because because they're alcoholic. And because and because we're so codependent, God, we're so are we? Alcoholics are pathetic. So, you know, I mean, if you weren't here, you'd be an Al-Anon, for God's sake. You worry about the two guys. Why did they leave? Where did they go? I don't know where they go. Maybe one of them's wife is in the hospital having triplets. I don't know where they went. Or maybe they just want they maybe they're not ready for this. It doesn't matter. Doesn't mean that you stop talking about because you don't have courage. Because you're looking at the one guy here who's not going to get it instead of the 40 people that want to hear it. Because somehow deep down inside, if somebody walks out on you, you feel it has something to do with you. Because there's nothing that a person who feels inwardly less than or like a nothing hates more than being treated like they're inwardly less than. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're rejectable. You're upsetable and you're rejectable. You're just out there in the world waiting for somebody to reject your ass. You're taking everything personally. You know what I mean? Some guy cuts in front of you. You know what I mean? You're taking it personally. Everything is personal to you. You know? Because you're nothing. Because you have no self-esteem. Because you don't have any God-esteem. And that has something to do with courage. So, I'm probably drifting past the ninth step. And I wouldn't want to do that. I'd be against the rules. So, be careful. So, that's it. Thank you, guys.