Steps 6 and 7 – Part 7 – Mark H. – FOTSNY – 2001

For those of you guys that are hardcores and want to stay here for a little while. What have we dealt with? We've been talking about inventory, right? Something that I didn't mention is how to set yourself up for inventory. This is what I currently do and have been doing. If I'm going to write inventory, I say a set-aside prayer. There's one, I think I threw one in the guide. A version of a set-aside prayer. I ask God to set aside what I think this process is going to be. I ask God to remove my fear of what I'm going to see about myself. And I ask God to show me what I need to see. Show me his truth. What is it that has to come out of this inventory? When I sit down to start writing the process, I do it just as it is out of the book. Column one, person, institution, principle. Column two, you work vertically. I don't write horizontally. I don't say column one, column two, column three, column four, and then try to get back to column one again. It doesn't work that way for me. I write vertically. I write horizontally. I write vertically. I write all of my column ones. All the people, persons, institutions, principles. Then I go to column two. What did they harm me? And then I go to column three. I work it across. When I read inventory, I read it horizontally. Column one, column two, column three, column four. Next. Boom. That way. I ask God to take me into that space. If for some reason I don't finish that inventory, for whatever reason, just like we end the meetings here, I stop. I ask God to take me out of the place that I write inventory from. Keep me safe and protected until I can come back and be with him to write more inventory. Why do I do that? Because I guarantee you, if you don't do this, you will ask God to take you into the place of inventory. You will write inventory, put it down, and say, I'm tired, let's go to a meeting. You will go to a meeting and say, hey, you got a topic? And it'll be something that's going on on your inventory. And you'll raise your hand and you will fist step with a group. And you had absolutely no intention of fist stepping with that group. And it'll destroy you. And you won't realize that you created your own problem because there will be a trust issue. Now you hear it come out of your mouth and you can't get it back. And now you can't trust your own home. You can't trust your own home group because now you don't want to be there. Because they know something about you. They know this deep intimate secret because you haven't finished the inventory. You haven't gone through all the fears and cleaned the rest of it up on a one-on-one. Once you've done that and you've given it to God and you've fist stepped it formally, most people, who cares if they hear it? It doesn't matter. It's God's. They don't, it doesn't own them anymore. So ask God to take you into the place to write inventory. Ask him to take you out of that place once you're done. All right? There's been a couple questions. On the example I gave you in a short form, if you go to the page in the guide, which I believe is like page 10, if I'm not mistaken. It's on page 11. All right? This is an example of a short form filled out. Remember how I do use a short form. The guy, they fill out column one. They fill out column two. They hand it to me. I check off column three. You'll notice the top of column three there, there's A, B, C, D, E, F, G. That corresponds to the left column. Left hand margin, A, B, C, D, E, F, G. So every check mark in the A column, the vertical A column has to do with mom, the resentment with mom. Did it affect my self-esteem, my pocketbook, my ambition, my personal relations, sex relations, right down that line. You'll notice under pocketbook, there's an at symbol. Put the at symbol there because when she forgot me at the store as a child, may or may not affect your pocketbook. It's a question mark. Depends on the inventory. How could the, might your mom abandon you? Forgetting you at the store and that feeling of abandonment you had affect your pocketbook? Well, if you carry 20 bucks in your pocket to this day because you're never gonna be left out without a way to get home, it's affected your pocketbook, all right? There's somebody in my life that used to get thrown out of the house constantly as a child. To this day, they always carry their pocketbook with them. They carry it because they're afraid of still getting thrown out of the house. It's an unconscious behavior. It's affected their pocketbook. Literally. You know? So, it may or may not. All right? Look at the Resentment Bee. Dad, he beat me when I broke the car. May or may not affect your pocketbook. Depends how old you are. If because he beat you when you broke his car, when you borrowed it, you smashed it, you hit a, let's say you hit a mailbox. You broke the side mirror off and he came home and he gave you a big whoopin'. Man, he whooped up on you for that. And you said, I will never borrow that man's car again. And then you work like a dog while you're working. And then you work like a dog while you're working. And then you work like a dog while you're working. And then you work like a dog while you're working. And then you work like a dog while you're watching dishes so that you could get your own car. So you never had to rely on him again. Guess what? It affected your pocketbook. All right? If he felt so bad because of the beating he gave you that he didn't make you pay for it and you fixed it up, maybe it didn't. continued to borrow the car and it didn't really have an effect on your pocketbook. You can see where I'm going with that? It may or may not. It all depends on the situation. And as the fifth stepper, the guy's bringing you the fifth step, you have to hear it and ask the questions and delve into that some more. Don't just say, because the guy says, oh, it didn't affect my sex relations. Go after it. Do you smell more? Is there more to that deal? There may be more that you're going to have to take a look at. I get into an altercation at an AA meeting. Somebody comes up and challenges me and we have a disagreement, the big I am, right? And I go down and I write my inventory. It affected my self-esteem? Yep. Affect my pocketbook? Nope. Affect my ambition? Yep. My personal relations? Yep. My sex relations? Nope. Wait a minute. Because I had a fight with Rashid at an AA meeting, maybe? Well, if I go home and start bitching to my wife, the victim, oh, you wouldn't believe what Rashid did to me at the meeting. He made me look like an idiot. Guess what? Do I feel like getting any that night? No? Am I going to be able to get any of that? Am I going to be able to get any of that? Am I going to be able to get any of that? Am I going to be able to get any of that? Am I being completely dishonest with my wife? Absolutely. I didn't bring a whole person to the relationship. I brought the victim to the relationship. And I'm expecting, I'm demanding her 100% loyalty in that frame of mind. The victim wants 100% loyalty. I want her to take my side and to stroke the back of my head and say, honey, it's okay, let me rub your feet, let me scratch your back. You know, because remember my language of love. Physical touch. I'll make it okay, you know. He was the big bad Rashid. He shouldn't have done that. You know? If on the other hand, she looks at me and says, grow up. Guess what? Now it's multiplied. I got two resentments. Alright? Let's say that happens at a noon meeting. You know, a lunchtime meeting. Now, it's 10 o'clock at night and we're getting going to bed and you think she's a little bit frisky. Do you think I'm not just going to roll over and turn the light off and I'll show her. Hit man, right? She ain't getting none. I'm not even going to talk to her. Why? Because that resentment with Rashid has affected my sex life now. Rashid's in bed with me. And I don't even say it. Right? Alright? Powerful stuff, but you need to understand what's going on here with inventory. Fears. Face and be rid of. Fear, fear, fear, fear. Any way you can get to a fear, it's the key to your sobriety. The fear tool. Whether you come from the second step proposition, whether you come through a normal fear inventory, whether you come from prayer and meditation, however you get to the fear, get rid of the fear. Because why? Fear is a conscious decision, right? The big book says it ought to be classed with stealing. How can fear be classed with stealing? When I steal something, if I'm going to steal this, I grab it, I take it, I made a conscious decision to take it. Well, if I've made a conscious decision in fear, what is that decision that I'm making? I'm making the decision to rely on myself rather than to rely on God, where my ultimate power comes from. Fear is a conscious decision, all right? And then the sex ideal. Some people have asked a question on the sex ideal. Who is BTK? BTK are my wife's initials. So when you're reading that and it looks down, it says BTK, people are going, whoa, what is that? This reminds me, anybody that didn't get any of this stuff and you're interested in it, my email address is aadave1 at aol.com. If you're interested in any of this stuff, I will email it to you. If you want the traditions and relationships, I'll email that to you. If you want the concepts and relationships, I'll email that to you. And if you ask for the concepts and relationships, you've got to read the fine print because it talks in there about 1988. The concepts of world service uses a different date. I'm applying the 12 concepts to my relationship. 1988 was the year that I got married. So I substitute that date. That's when I formed the spiritual union like it talks about in the 12 concepts of AA. That's when we gave world service. That's when we forward our spiritual union. So I use my spiritual union with my wife. That's how I start to apply it. So in case you ask for the concepts. Email again is aadave1, the numeric one, at aol.com. I feel really sorry for the guy who's aadave because he gets a lot of bizarre emails. Any questions on inventory? Now's the time. It's fresh. It's fresh in your mind. We're going to have an open panel tonight. I've been getting lots of little questions from people. And the question that you have may be the same question that they have. And the only dumb question is the question that doesn't get asked. I always like to do this before we move from inventory to fifth stepping because the inventory really is the key to your future. If you can crack the inventory nut, your life is an oyster, man. You can do whatever you need to because anything that knocks you off from your relationship with God, you can get right back up on the beam. Speaking of that expression, does anybody know what being on the beam means? Yes, radio track. Since I'm a pod, I might as well explain that. The old days, before navigation, they had AM radios, right? Old-fashioned AM radios. And they realized that if they sent a frequency out in two different ways, two exact opposite frequencies, they would cancel each other. They'd have one sign over here and one sign over here. If you heard da-da-da-da-da, you knew you were to the left, of course. If you heard dash-dash-dash-dash-dash, you knew you were on the right side of the course. If you didn't hear anything, you were on the radio beam. Emmett Fox talks about being off the radio beam. Guess what? Bill Wilson stole it from Emmett Fox. It's in our big book. You're on. Oh, is there a question? I'm sorry, but you're not supposed to put yourself on the radio. Oh, great question. You're not supposed to put yourself on the, on the resentment list. Did you harm yourself? Yes. I allow people to put them on there. Put it on there. I put it on there. All right? But what was Mark talking about? Were you doing the very best you could as asleep as you were? Yep. So here's what I do. Guys bring me that and I have, I've got one guy who brought me like nine pages of self-resentment. Oh, well, it's me. I'm the worst person. We don't ever want to be middle of the road. I'm the worst person in the world. I've done this. I've done that. And you know what? He hands it to me and I looked at him and I said, oh, that's nice. And I took a big X and I went through each of the nine pages. And every X, the guy's eyes got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And he's going, what are you doing? And I said, forgive yourself and move on. You were doing the absolute best you could with what you had at the time. How are you going to make amends to yourself for the harm you caused? Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. Right? Plug into God. Do the best you can with what you got. Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right. Right? Right? make that amend up. A hand. A written third column? Yeah. The question was, some people like to write a third column. You heard me reference this as a short form. There's a long form where people will actually write out the selfishness and how it affected you. And they'll write out how it affected your sexual relations, personal relations. Take a guy, he's walking in the door, he's a brand new sober and he's got 400 resentments. if you sit him down with long form and you turn him loose A. it's going to take him weeks to write that and B. I guarantee he's going to run out of energy and he's going to die in the process you're going to kill him and the way I know that is I've done it unfortunately I had to learn the lesson the hard way I take guys through and I get them some relief right away get them back in inventory as quick as I can but get them through their amends get them right back in inventory six months later do that cycle maybe once or twice now we've got something to work with he's got a conscious contact he's got some tools now let's sit down and take our time now instead of having 300 resentments this inventory that I just did had 9 resentments man I did long form and it's sitting up here if you want to take a look at it I don't own it anymore it's God's it's probably 60 sheets on 9 resentments could you imagine what that would look like for 400 I mean that's 6 reams of paper for God's sakes and you've got a dead alcoholic at the end of it because he's not going to make it and in the process his ego will figure out a way to wrap it around and attack him from behind he won't see it you know and then A is not going to work that's what he's going to tell you by the way if you've got anything jump in man hand in the back when do I recommend somebody do steel on steel my experience is steel on steel for those of you who don't know I was going to talk about this later on and we will go into it in more detail steel on steel is basically like a fifth step it's you getting together and you have spiritual commitment with each other to pull each other towards God alright which means for me my experience is you need to have a relationship with God and so until you've done inventory you don't have a relationship with God so I like to tell people that if you want to do steel on steel finish your amends get through the ninth step and go do it I've seen people that are almost done with their amends who are able to start steel on steel although it's few and far between guys that are still carrying guilt and remorse of the harms and they haven't cleaned it up their ego will use that and they'll get into steel on steel and the next thing you know it's three years later and they still haven't finished up the last three amends finish the amends and then jump into steel on steel and it's like doing a regular inventory on a regular basis at least that's my experience what's yours with that Mark? it's the very same as iron sharpens iron so one man or one woman sharpens another I'll share a little bit about that right now I guess why not when I got down to Kerrville Texas in 91 92 I guess and Chris can tell you this I guess I'd been down there about two years and I got very very clear that my self delusion and sobriety had almost killed me and I also got very clear that the idea of one man say a sponsor being able to help me with that was placing a burden on me and I was able to do that and I was able to do that I had no business placing so I was doing some 11 step reading one night and I like to read proverbs I like stories and proverbs are stories so I'm reading proverbs and proverbs 27 17 says as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another and man that wouldn't leave me and so I thought you know I'm going to do something with that so I got a hold of Chris and another gentleman I sponsor a friend of mine Dale and another man Dan and trying to think who else excuse me there's one other one oh yeah the gentleman at that time who had some of the longest sobriety in that town who incidentally after a period of time left steel and steel because his ego could not handle it he could not handle the considerations that he was posed by somebody who was much younger in sobriety than him and so we had the first meeting and basically he was a man and so the first meeting that happened I was doing some of the things that I talked to Chris about and he was this man who, you know you know like I said you know he was this terrible man and so I said here's, here's the format that we utilize we like to open with some meditation um today I have a two page form that I use and we use timers one of the things that I've learned again I guess this is about simplicity but... um, I'm a bullet person minute explanation laying out the nine course dinner and then they tell me what I'm gonna eat and I that really makes me gun-shy so in steel on steel we use a timer and you only get ten minutes and we start out in and currently what we do right now is I talk about first of all where am I exactly with a circle and triangle how many meetings have I gone to right now I'm meeting every two weeks with two men how many meetings have I gone to in the last 14 days in the last 14 days this is back to discipline is the horse I write how many morning prayers did I do how many morning meditations how long were these meditations how many evening reviews did I do am I doing a written evening review how many evening meditations did I do what was the length of those where are each of the people I sponsor in the steps am I accountable as a sponsor am I accountable to someone specifically what step am I on and then it goes on once once they're done asking questions about the strict disciplines of 10 11 and 12 then it goes on to say are you having any problems in relationships ie work co-workers a a etc then it says what's going on in your significant other relationship then it gets into money are you planning to spend any money or over $200 we threw that in there right now because two of the men that I'm doing this with have unfinished financial amends so right now they both have everything they need so if they are they I got them to agree that before they'll ever spend any sum of money over 200 they'll call the other two men and seek counsel because what that means is since they still owe amends they would be once again stealing from these same people they've already stolen from once and and there you know so that's in there are you planning any purchases over $200 I can see some of you already going who wants that kind of accountability right in there is your physical health what's going on with your physical health and we talked about that when I started steel on steel I weighed probably about 250 pounds I had great medical insurance and I hadn't had a physical in probably 10 years I mean it was unbelievable to us and so we begin to ask these questions and I'm here to tell you as a result of steel and steel I get yearly physicals every year dermatologist I take good care of myself in in that area with the exception of smoking so the physical health pieces on there what are you doing with that then we like to work with the definition of honesty say what you do do what you say how you been doing with that say what you do do what you say and you take a look at that every area of your life are you getting to work on time and cetera then the last question on the form that we use is do you keep your word and then we've got some little reminders use the word consider done in love that kind of stuff then what happens is I shut the timer off I pull out a notebook and those two men based on everything that I've shared will ask me to consider some things see give an example of some of some of the considerations one that they gave me about a month ago is they want me to consider a lot less travel and a lot more involvement in a where I live so I write that down consideration and of course I'm sober much longer both these guys so I have to look at them and thank them because our agreement is you cannot defend because the ego wants to defend when I was today's they asked me to consider they asked me to consider that maybe I was working with too many people that I was placing too much of a burden on myself with my career and trying to work out and do this and do that and do that so I'm writing these considerations down when we're done with that then what I did is for the next two weeks I took those considerations into prayer and meditation and I can tell you that I made some decisions off that. That very next week I went to five meetings. See steel and steel allows me to defeat my ego and use it to my benefit if you all think I'm showing up at steel and steel with two guys with less sobriety and they're going to confront me again about not having enough meetings in my own hometown, you are wrong I'm going to go to that meeting even if I don't want to be there. See? That's how steel and steel can benefit but I'll tell you off that already I did cancel a bunch of stuff. I can't steel and steel is one of the most important practices I've ever had in my life and I've had it pretty well consistently since about 1994 that kind of accountability unbeknownst to me where you got to understand if you do what I'm talking about there isn't any secrets in your life are there and they're asking you to consider things and really over the years what it did is it opened it just totally opened up my ego if you will but most alcoholics when they hear about this format they don't want anything to do with it because we lead secret lives financial you know you name it and we don't we don't want that kind of accountability my self delusion my unwillingness to face that kind of accountability I told you where it got me at 10 years I love that kind of accountability I love that kind of discipline now understand something else we do steel and steel from an avenue of love now I'm not here to try and tell anyone what they have to do with their life by virtue of self delusion meaning I fall asleep dreaming I'm awake steel and steel is about are you asleep to this see I was asleep to the idea that as you begin to get older in your life it's probably a good idea to go get a yearly physical so that by the time you find out you have cancer your whole body's not full of it just little simple things like that that I was asleep to right so that's what we do like we currently meet every two weeks but as you can see it covers every area of my life now there's a strange thing about this is surprisingly enough the first half of this form that I like to use is all the things that we need to do is stay in fit spiritual condition right now strangely enough when I report and I'm doing all those things the second half of my life which is that I'm in the world to play the role of God which is that I'm in the world to play the role of God is a sign it seems very clean and very smooth and very peaceful surprisingly enough when the first half has a bunch of holes in it like I only meditated two times last week I went to one meeting uh... I'm not sure what step I'm on I'm not working with anyone it is incredible what the bottom half looks like meaning your job and relationships and physical health and so when I meet with the men that I work with so when I meet with the men that I work with and that I do that fairly religiously they always bring that form with them and they know me well enough if they got a bunch of holes in the top half I will not talk to about the bottom half don't talk to me about your relationship with your girlfriend when you've been unwilling to do the disciplines of ten to eleventh for a week get out of my house see, get out of my house i'm not going to talk about it, it's just dribble it's a waste of time go on, just get away from me I don't pandemia di conش me i don't want what you get out of here see because what's going to happen as a result of not doing the disciplines then what have they taken into that area of their life their selfishness and their self-will so what they're going to report back as well we had this big fight this blow up my employers all pissed off and i haven't been feeling good physically and i'm lethargic and i go oh let's see no prayer no meditation gee i wonder if there's any connection here right and and so at any rate that's what steel and steel is that's how uh that's how i use it um again i will tell you it's one of the best disciplines i've ever brought into my life it has helped me beyond belief i mean i mean miss chris uh who you'll hear tonight will tell you he he and i were involved in that for years and uh you develop a closeness a caring a compassion um see you know dave brought up something and this is so important here's these people in his group watching him drift off into la la land that he could drink behind and nobody's saying anything to him you know and and steel and steel ultimately for me became a vehicle in which men that i cared about and loved about deeply uh areas in which they would fall asleep think they were dreaming they were awake i could bring that to their attention i did that in the spirit of love i didn't do it in the spirit of judgment i didn't do it you know in in anything else so uh that's a little bit about about steel on steel uh i think dave i think brought some forms uh which are pretty similar the ones i have and i use for it uh i can tell you from my experience if you get more than about four people it's it's just about too many it may may take too long but and i'll be happy to answer any other questions uh about that um during the course of the weekend and i guess we um are just about ready to eat dinner so then tonight uh you're going to get the chris r show um i guess we're going to break for a couple hours if i understand that and meet back here at seven okay i got just one more thing to add to steel and steel since we're talking about it steel on steel when i first started it i was getting i i chose three people to do it with there's a magic of the number of four i've done it in different size groups there's a magic of four don't ask me what it is it's just my experience a three oftentimes you'll get a consideration where you'll say this they'll say one guy will say well is it possible that you need to do this and the other guy will say is it possible you need to do that they're diametrically opposed so who's going to break the tie if two guys are saying is it possible over here one guy saying is it possible over here chances are you're hearing the voice of god you kind of get an idea where you need to go so there's a magic of the number of four second item don't be surprised if you change do not attempt steel on steel if you don't want to because remember god's grace lasts only as long as ignorance they will show it to you we call them iip questions everything's in the form of is it possible iip colon boom is it possible that you need to look at this is it possible that you get as unlimited amount of time to report back to the group on the questions they gave you last time well you asked me about this and here's what i did you asked me about that and here's what i did then i asked the question is there anything i didn't cover that you want to hear about from last time i shared then we hacked the clock and you got 10 minutes and you got 10 minutes and you got 10 minutes and you got 10 minutes and you got 10 minutes the reason for the 10 minutes is absolutely critical because you in 10 minutes your ego doesn't have the opportunity to set up a story to make you look a certain way you got to put the truth on the table and you got to put it on the table right now and the last thing is steel on steel is about commitment don't come to my steel on steel group with the same problem month after month after month after month it's about change you know and there are no holds barred we talk about sex specifically how is it going on in your life we talk about the internet we talk about masturbation if it's going on we talk about the dirty nasty deeds that are going on how's the hairy eyeball you're going to be talking about that summertime you're at the beach on vacation were you having a problem with that you know were you mentally undressing other women what's going on in your life we talk about every possible thing that can come up on the table and it's all open for discussion when i first started my first steel on steel group the wives of the guys that are in my steel on steel group were saying wow this is pretty cool and all of a sudden these guys started growing really fast and it puts a lot of pressure inside a relationship when you start doing what's right because now you're holding up the spiritual mirror right and next thing you know the wives are i'm not sure if i want this to continue some of them some of the other ones my wife begs me for steel on steel because she sees the benefits if i miss a steel on steel meeting she's like when's the next meeting and she'll arrange her whole schedule to open up a hall i'll cover the kids you got steel and steel right here okay she's she's a tremendous support for steel on steel changed my life try it but you got to want to change all right the forms are pretty specific i give you it's a whole meeting package there's the reading that we intro with there's a description of steel on steel what steel and steel is about what it's not about and then lastly there's a there's a reading that we do out of the big book which is from page 62 forward and it talks about why we're there and who who the problem is and where do we get the power to do it and i think that's a really important thing and i think that's a really important thing and i think that's a really important thing from something i just added to steel on steel um all of us happen to be christian in our steel and steel group at the end of our steel on steel now we started to break bread together you want a powerful spiritual experience if you have something like that that's part of your religion do it together as a group we openly pray together we pray for each other we have prayer lists that go on for each other for the problems that are in each other's lives it's it's dramatic the way it's affected my life and the things the areas that have changed i can't say enough good stuff about it now it's not aa but man does it affect your aa you want to really get sharp it's like doing a fifth step once a month i happen to do it once a month because of schedules i wish i could do it every two weeks it just doesn't work in my life that way everybody that i chose for steel on steel in my group we're all basically the same we're all within about 10 years of each other age-wise we're all married we're all double digit sobriety we've all been going to couples meetings for a long time we've all been going to couples meetings for a long time lot of years i've been going to couples meetings in aa for over 15 years two of the three of us have kids excuse me three of the four of us have kids one guy has since dropped out so i'm now back in a situation where we have three of us in our steel and steel group and as a group we're trying to decide how we're going to handle that are we going to add somebody what are we going to do right now we're going with it and seeing how it goes so it's an it's the ultimate challenge you know my sponsor used to my effect my home group i used to have to this group that had an unwritten motto you think you're working the program show us your family and we'll tell you how well you're working the program steel on steel we're really sharpened that up because you can't live in that state of disillusionment when you got three other guys pulling you towards god that's what it's all about in the spirit of love pulling each other shoulder to shoulder nobody's the sponsor nobody's a sponsee nobody's the guru nobody's in charge except god and that's what the deal's about let's go eat i hope everybody's relaxed uh we're about to not get relaxed yeah i gave you a little idea of uh what the format tonight uh we got a lot of people who are going to be here for the next hour or so and then mark and dave are going to come back and join him and a bunch of you filled out some questions that you gathered over the last day and a half that we had um i'm sure i saw people squirming in their seats a little bit including myself um and stirred up some questions they're going to try and answer some of them and let's see why did i get why did we get chris here i guess real quick uh first time dave handed me a a tape of chris's and uh i was listening to it in the car and i was ready to just about drive over to the airport and get on a plane to texas because i thought this guy needs help he is angry um and then i put the tape on at home and i listened to what he said and i identified a lot and i felt exactly he wasn't angry he was full of passion for this program um just like myself and i couldn't deny a thing that he said um and he actually got me passionate again more passionate for what this program has done for me um so we asked him to come down here and share his passion with us about what we've been talking about this weekend so chris off can y'all hear me all right i won't need this in a few minutes anyway my name is Chris R. i'm a recovered alcoholic who's fixing to lose his voice um it's something i picked up in texas i guarantee you this is not anything i can't blame on new york this is an amazing thing here i uh give me a second i i man i need to thank the cats that made this made this possible barton and rick and and all the all the buds denise that i just i i I don't know what to tell you i don't know what to tell you i it's a character defect it's it's it's being removed from me uh not too damn quick but it's being removed and i i uh i don't know 13 years ago guys uh god uh god did a number on me and uh after years in and out of the fellowship he removed the obsession uh for me to drink and drug and i'm i'm pretty uh i'm pretty passionate about that i i got a friend in in uh curville that said one time he said it's a he said it's a he comes from houston and he said it's a tragedy that we some of us in our in our fellowships have to feel out of place in the in our the own our own fellowship the fellowship that saved our life we've got to feel uncomfortable in those rooms because the message we're carrying is so different from the message that most people are carrying out there and and and that's the truth it's it's it's sad that if you're a big book thumper in most parts of this country you are ostracized and i'm going to talk a little bit about this and i'm going to i want everybody please i'm i'm not going to get long-winded i can promise you i won't keep you here longer than about 45 minutes but i and i'm going to say some things tonight that i can assure you are going to are going to you know you will either you will either bond with me we will we will share christmas cards and swap spit i mean we we will we will we will bond or you will do like happens every time i speak i spend i speak lots and lots folks and i've never seen it fail and you will you will wait for me at the door and to take exception with something i've said and i and i and i'm down with that folks i just want i want to make it kind of clear here you know this is this is what the fellowship's about y'all ask me to come up here and share my experiences dave alluded to it earlier this is my experience it doesn't have to be your experience if what i say goes exactly against what you say it's not what you believe that's that's one of the cool things about this deal i you can believe whatever you want to believe if it's working for you bop to your drop but but i need to tell you a couple of things right i need to tell you a couple of things right off the bat you see where my passion comes from what bart said is so true you know it's like it hurts my feelings sometimes because sometimes when people pick up tapes of mine they don't know me and they don't listen to the first part where i'm trying to explain where i'm coming from all they hear is this guy screaming on the other end of the guy being funny and then he's raising he's like you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna tell you i'm as quiet and i'm as you know y'all sit right here and watch me sit right there where jeannie's sitting watch me all day long and never open my mouth i'm as quiet and shy as you can get right up to the point you want to start talking to me about this and then little something deep down inside says this is your chance buddy this is this this is it you know people been dissing you all your life now you can get even with them back you get a chance to you get a chance to say uh i nearly died getting to these rooms i i i my first attempt at alcoholic synonymous was about 1980 and and uh and i'm i'm going to talk a little bit about that but i i'm in and out of the fellowship for years and and and jesus just you know i just i walk into the rooms and and you you tell me i'm going to always be recovering and that that i'm going to have to admit that i'm powerless and and then you start talking about every god damn problem in the world and and i'm just you know and i and you pretty soon you chase me out of the room and you know and then and then i come back in because because i'm i got arrested again or or she's fixing to leave again you know and i made a new commitment i'm going to come in i'm going to pick up another one of those stupid desire chips and then i'm going to sit there and listen for another week while you tell your war stories over and oh yeah you're listening we can all do it you know you can tell you're preaching to the choir in this room i mean it's like this is where i'm coming from folks at the end of that eight and out of the fellowship i tried to commit suicide in 1987 and ended up back in a room full of people that were carrying big books and understood that you could recover from this stuff and that the book meant what it said and that if you had an opinion that was contrary to what the book said you might want to keep it to yourself i got to wear cheaters to you this is they said that they made these little monocles i think that's what i need is a little more a little monocle thing i don't know i need to show you this i was reading this the other day it's in box 459 y'all alcoholics anonymous produces it here we may have somebody from central service it if you're in the audience tonight since we're this close to new york let's visit after the meeting i have a message to give some of them fat cats back up there i guarantee you it's one of these little articles here and this is where i'm coming from i'm going to jump around a little bit and i'm going to get into this in just a second but i need to explain it says this is a little report from the general service board here's some we nails who are coming here we want to bring He says, the GSO continues to be in good financial condition. The only worrisome trend is a long-term, steady decline in sales of AA literature. I'm going to be speaking in tongues before this thing is 15 minutes into this thing. Listen, folks, if our only worry as a fellowship is that literature sales are a bit down, shame on us. We've got a fellowship that 66 years ago had a success rate of better than 75%. In the Midwest, you can go to any archive around, folks, around Cleveland, Akron, they had success rates of nearly 100% in lots of areas. In the early days, the first few years of Alcoholics Anonymous, everybody that came through the door got sober. Now, in the United States, if you can find any place that's got a better than a 20% success rate, it's a miracle. You think we got, I mean, come on, folks, we got to get straight here. Why am I so packed? People want to take shots at me all the time. Oh, Chris R., you know, you shouldn't be ripping AA, you know, this. It's like, I'm not, but this is my fellowship. And the fellowship as a whole needs to wake up and start looking and seeing what we're doing here. We are not getting well in AA. But you see, where the controversy comes is because you got well in AA. You got well in AA. You slipped under the door. You got through the crack, and you think everybody else should be able to do it. But the truth is, all you've got to do is look at the success rates and stop making excuses. Walk into a meeting and just ask yourself, it's like, is the message that we're hearing today in AA the same message that they heard 66 years ago? And you will ask any, you ask any of the old, they'll tell you without a question, no, absolutely not. Absolutely not. I do clerical work for a treatment center in Texas, and I am not a counselor or a therapist. I love counselors, and I love therapy. And don't ever, don't ever misquote me, because I'll hunt you down and shoot you. Don't. I, I have, I have taken, I have taken more ribbons from that stuff. Well, you hate therapy. I'm a product of good therapy, folks. I'm seeing one today about some other stuff, folks. AA is not a catch-all for every problem in the world. And shame on us for trying to make it a catch-all for every problem in the world. Y'all understand that? And see, you see, but this is what's happened to Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I, I. I go into this treatment center, and all of these cats are coming through. We got about 1,000 people through there a year. And I'm asking these cats. It's a high-dollar facility, and I'm asking them. I says, buddy, did you ever go to AA? Oh, yeah, we went to AA. It didn't work. Oh, oh, I see. Huh, damn. It worked for me. You know, so, so what's, let's get on down there. Why, why did, oh, no, it didn't. And here's what they tell me, guys. And you can ask Mark. You can ask anybody that's around the business. You can ask these cats. What, what excuses are they using to not stay in AA? War stories? And people pissing and moaning about their problems. And so I come up from and speak from the podium around the country and Canada, wherever I'm speaking, and I, and I, and I talk about this, and I offend people. Because you think it's your God-given right to walk into a meeting and puke all over the table and let somebody else clean it up. You think it's your right to turn my AA meeting into a damn therapy session. It is not. You think it's your right. This is your, this is your cue. All you big boys that I've been tapping on the shoulder all day long, it's your cue to move forward now. Can you give me some water? Because I'm fixing to get rushed here. I want to make something real clear though. I want to make something real clear. Because the first. It's uncertain. It's uncertain. It's uncertain. It's uncertain. It's uncertain. I know, I really, I know, really, Blake, thanks, that's why, thanks, she said, yeah, I'll fix the little bastard, I know, and what's up with this shit, what's up with this over here, we can't, no, I can't see him, listen, I'm here, what's up with this, Mark, come on, Bubba, is it Rick, if they start rushing me from this side, little brother, down now with that, brother, somebody better have my back, I guarantee you, all right, all right, but let me tell you where I'm coming from here, because the bottom line is, and I'm sure Mark and Dave touched on this last night, we were tied up in the airport and couldn't get here, but I'm sure they touched on this business, the truth of the matter is, alcoholics and I, we assume a lot in AA, we assume it because you're sitting in this room that you're an alcoholic, and I'm going to tell you something, folks, that's an assumption, that can get you killed, because you've got to be careful who you're listening to, somebody comes in and they start acting like they know what they're talking about around medicine, you assume they're a doctor, no, you're going to check the credentials, but somebody comes in and starts telling you how to work the steps, and you assume that they know what they're talking about, just because they've got some dry time under their belt, but the long and short of it is, they may not even be one of us, y'all understand that, you, in order to get sober, what you may need to do is go to the gym and get laid a little bit more, it works for a lot of people, I mean, only about 15% of us, only about 15% of us in this world, folks, are alcoholic and addict, guys, only about 15%, that's a big percentage, though, still, 85% of the people can take this stuff or leave it alone, on a requirement for membership, they say, short form anyway, is a desire not to drink, any moron that comes to the door, I don't want to drink today, one day at a time, great, never even had a problem with alcohol, never even had a problem with a drinking problem, but he comes in, the women are goddamn good looking, the coffee's great, fellowships, bar none, but the best in the west, so I'll just stay, one day at a time, and kill them by the thousands with their bullshit, and kill them by their thousands with their bullshit, because let me tell you something, their life doesn't depend on getting connected spiritually, here's what the book says, here's what the book, it's going to be the problem section right here, I can see, come on, girls, for those who are unable to drink moderately, the question, this is on page 34, guys, in a chapter called more about alcoholism, we're assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop, again, which is an assumption, Bill Wilson understands, whether such a person can quit on a non-spiritual basis, depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power, and he's going to have to quit, and he's going to have to quit, and he's going to have to quit, and he's going to have to quit, and he's going to have to quit, and he's going to have to quit, whether he will drink or not, did you get it, let me do it one more time, you've got to get this piece, because as always, he said, whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis, depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not, you've got a guy who goes out and gets a DWI, comes into the fellowship for a little bit, goes back out, gets another DWI, and says, shit, I'm done with the law, I'm going to stay sober, so he walks into the fellowship, the fear of getting another DWI keeps him sober, and he stays in the fellowship, and he's welcome, welcome, but if the cat doesn't have to get connected spiritually to stay sober, that's the cat you've got to be careful with what's coming out of his damn mouth, because, because if his life doesn't depend on God, and he tells a newcomer that they don't have to depend on God, then what do we got, this is why we're not staying sober in the fellowship, we've got a bunch of people believing that they can come into this fellowship and share any damn message they want, and they're not staying sober in the fellowship, and they're not staying sober in the fellowship, and they're not staying sober in the fellowship, and they're not staying sober in the it, that means that Bill Wilson got sober doing certain things, if y'all reading his story, what happened, he ended up doing a fifth step with Ebby, he's sitting in town's hospital detoxing, he's already making his damn demands when he had his barn burning spiritual experience, approximately nine days in treatment, y'all with us, and then he goes out and gets Dr. Bob, and then Dr. Bob has the same kind of spiritual experience, he goes out and gets Dr. Bob, and then Dr. Bob has the same kind of spiritual experience, and then Dr. Bob has the same kind of spiritual experience, he's spiritual experience. Oh, it's the educational variety. He doesn't see a vision, but the obsession to use is removed from him because he got off his ass and started making his amends. June 10th. That's the birth date of Alcoholics Anonymous. Y'all with us? Two days later, they go out and get alcoholic number three, supposedly, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and the rest is history. And let me tell you where my passion comes from. Let me tell you where my emotion comes from. It's because those people followed some simple directions and got their arrogant ego out of the way. I'm sober today. Thirteen years. And I couldn't stay sober for years because I kept listening to some son of a bitch that believed that they should be able to share anything they wanted into an AA meeting. I think at Denny's. They got Denny's in New York? They got Denny's everywhere, don't they? I think at Denny's you should be able to share anything you want. I think around this table back over here having coffee, you should share everything you want. But I think at an AA meeting, when somebody's walking in the door and you don't know who you're talking to, you better be talking out of this book. You better be giving somebody the clear message. Are you willing to risk their life? Okay, who's risking their life? The people around the fellowship. How many of you guys have heard this? Take your time to work the steps. We didn't get this sick overnight. We're not going to get well overnight. And we could go just, we could take all the little one-liners and have a run at them. I mean it's the bottom line. You can't, you can't chair any meetings until you've been sober six months. You can't work with anybody until you've been sober a year. Jesus. Unbelievable. Who came up with this shit? Who came up with this crap? Because that's the rehab... Come on, baby. Come on, baby. And let the record show that Chris R. was not the one that said that. But it is the absolute truth. It is the absolute truth. A bunch of well-meaning people who figured they could make a buck out of this business got hold of this simple message that we were using for 66 years and now, you with me? And now, no telling what you might hear. And this is where everybody wants to split hairs with me. Chris, you're knocking rehab. I'm not knocking rehab. Rehab's a wonderful thing. It's the same thing when I'm talking about therapy. Therapy's a wonderful thing. But therapy will not remove the obsession to drink. No human power can remove the obsession to drink. The ABCs in the book were put there for a specific... You think Bill Wilson was just having a bad day when he wrote that stuff? He got pretty energetic about this business. He said, you can depend on... I mean, if you can get sober for a woman, you're an 85%er. You're not one of us. If you can get sober for a job, you're not one of us. If you can work through your issues around this, that, and the other and come out the other side and the obsession, if you can control it and go on, you're not one of us. Do y'all understand that? But we've watered the whole fellowship down so that everybody can get comfortable and happy. But you see, we're not here for that. We're here to help the chronic alcoholic whose last hope is a reliance and dependence and a relationship with God. Absolutely. And it's not about a belief in God. I know. They say you can make a lot of money in the Baptist church. Hell, what am I doing here with you losers? Because this is the only thing I can get excited about. Alcohol. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Let me, let me, let me, let me, let me test. Some of y'all, some of y'all are big book thumpers and a lot of y'all got some knowledge about the big book. So don't correct. Don't get me if I'm not exactly clear on every little date and then you, but when, when Abby came and talked, I'm starting to speak in tongues already. When Abby, let me run something by you. If an alcoholic is somebody who has lost the power to choose and control his alcohol that the book talks about, y'all with me? On page 21 it says, and it talks for the next 20 pages about the mental obsession. If you can put alcohol in your body and guarantee me how much you're going to drink every time, you with me? You're not one of us. But if there's times that it gets away from you and you drink a bit more, we used to laugh about it. I just drank quicker than most. See? I was fast. Okay. If you've ever, ever, ever drank a bit more than you intended, you have the physical allergy. Okay? I'm sure they talked about this last night. Now the mental obsession piece is, is the piece that gets us. If given sufficient reason, those two DWIs, that screaming match with that wife, that whatever, your, it compromised health. If any of that becomes operative, if you can stop and stay stopped, then you're not one of us. Y'all with me? Okay. So this is what alcoholic, alcoholism is about. It's about these two words right here, guys. Control and choice. You with me? So when we go into that meeting next week, and y'all take me back over to New York someplace and we go into a nice little meeting and some little lady's crying her eyes out because the friggin' babysitter didn't show up on time and she was running late and she was just having a terrible day and y'all got her running her hose and the guy's back over there and he can't find a job and he just, he just knows. And then we all sit around and smile and oh yes, and we try to be patient and tolerant and yeah, and everybody's watching the clock because they can't wait to get out of there because there's absolutely no power in this meeting. What we've got ourselves into is another bitch session, another complaining session. We've been delivered from the obsession to drink, got the greatest miracle going on in our lives, but we can't find anything good to talk about. All we can do is bitch about something else. Y'all understand? Y'all with me? And we sit there and tolerate it. We sit, there's a lady that wrote an article in Box 459 one time and one day, and she's supposedly from New York, I'm going to find this lady and hug her. I don't know, she had 15 years of sobriety. I've talked about it on every tape I've ever done. She had about 15 years of sobriety when she wrote the article. And she said in this, she says, at what point does live and let live become apathy? At what point does live and let live become apathy? At what point am I going to sit there and listen to you piss and moan again and again and again in a meeting and turn my back in the guise of patience and tolerance? When am I going to turn to you and say, hey, buddy, why don't you and me step outside after the meeting and finish this conversation? But right now there's some people that have had spiritual experiences in this room that would like to share their hope with a newcomer. You want me to paraphrase it? Why don't you shut up? And you see, I say this from the podium. I'm not expecting you to go into your meeting and somebody gets off and says, hey, shut up! And that's what a lot of y'all do. And you think, guys, I lost this eye in a rock fight, not in an AA meeting. I mean, I don't we cease fighting anything or anyone. It's a 10-step promise. Your job is not to go in an AA meeting and pick fights. I'm not suggesting that you do that. I'm saying as a group, we need to look at our group conscience and we need to look and see what we're doing in our meetings. Open discussion meetings, outnumbered literature-based meetings, about 6 to 1. You can go to Dallas, Texas right now and there's an area, there's about 1,500 meetings a week in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Only 25 of those are literature-based meetings. Can y'all get down with this? That's why nobody can get sober. If you want to talk about the fucking divorce one more time, you've got a bunch of choices, you see? But if you want to go read about the solution, you've got to hunt and pick, you see? And that's the problem. This is exactly what my sister back here was saying. It's the treatment centers that have gotten in the middle of this. You know what? If you're having a bad day, you need to go share. You need to go talk about it. Why? I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I mean, really, can we get serious? What? Why do you need to go share it? Selfishness and self-centeredness that they covered so beautifully today is the root of my problem. What I need to do is get out of my self and try to help somebody else have a better day. And you want me to go to a meeting and just talk about my shit some more? Why don't you just hand me a lit cigarette and dump me with gas? Here, buddy. Smoke this. This will help. Isn't it the truth? All right, let me ask you a question. Did anybody hear me say that you shouldn't talk about your problems? I'm not. You need to talk about your problems. But why don't you talk about the problem? It's exactly what Dave said this afternoon. Why don't you look around the fellowship, okay, and find somebody who has had some similar problems, and then after the meeting, y'all go to dinner and talk about that. You see, there's two different things going on here. There's the fellowship over here, and there's the program over here. And you're in the fellowship. Jesus, look at the knowledge and the experience that I could glean from this room about anything I ever wanted to know. I mean, truly. Some of it, some pretty sick shit, I'm sure, but you know, I'm sure you crack addicts lived in these rooms, too, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. I had you pegged right off the bat. I know, really. No, come on, guys. Of course we can do that. But in a meeting, we have one message. Our fifth tradition says we have one primary purpose, and that's to help the alcoholic get sober, folks. And if you're talking about the divorce, then you're missing the point. Because if she's drinking over the divorce, she ain't one of us. We're buying into it. We're feeding into it. Here's the picture we're painting. Now, guys, this is why some of you are feeling uncomfortable, including myself, because I'm going to tell you, I've done it. I did it for years. Walk into a meeting, dump my problems, right? Expect y'all to fix it and then walk out and wonder why I couldn't stay sober. Y'all understand it? We're painting a picture for the world out there that if I can work with you and keep you in a place where you don't have any highs or any lows, and that all your problems will be taken care of, that you can stay sober. Guys, ladies, please, all of y'all play with me if you would, please. You don't have to if you don't want to, but raise your hand at this. Raise your hand if you drank when you had lots of money. Let the record show every hand in a place is up. How many when you didn't have any money? How many when you lived in a big, beautiful place like New York City? How many when you lived in a little stupid place like Ingram, Texas? How many when you lived in a big old $300,000 home? A double wide. That's shit. Leave them up. Just leave the hands up. How many? Here's the kicker. How many when you was in a relationship with somebody that, an angel, a tremendous relationship with somebody? How many when you was dating Satan? So why is it that we we talked about it earlier. It's like Fred does in the stories, in the 23 to 43, Fred says, the best line in the book, it was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. What does this son of a bitch do? He goes, gets drunk. It's so perfect, I'll just go screw it up. And every one of us in here have done it. Why? Because we have lost the ability to choose whether we're going to do it or not. My circumstances are not a prerequisite for whether I'm going to drink or not. So why have we turned our meetings into a damn therapy session where that's all we talk about is our circumstances? Let's talk about the message. Let's talk about the power. Let's talk about God. You with us? I'll move on. I got a few minutes with you. Because I got to get this out. I'm fixing to choke. Thank you. Thank you.