Steps 6 and 7 – Foundation Stone 12 Step Workshop – Part 4 of 4 – Chad P.

And with no further ado, I'd like to bring up Chad, who's going to be speaking on Steps 6 and 7. Let's welcome Chad. Let me get all this arranged to my liking. My name is Chad Payne. I'm an alcoholic. Sober since April 2nd of 2003. I want you to take just a minute and do some quick math on that. That means in a month, I've got 20 years. There we go. I remember back when I picked up five years after the meeting. You know, I'm one of those guys, I work pretty hard to get some accolades in AA. You know? I don't know why that is, you know, but I was getting some when I picked up my five years and my grant sponsor came up and he said, how many years do you have now? And I said, five. And he said, wow, I thought you'd be further along by now. And that's what a guy like me needs, you know. But that's What I'm thinking right now is I'm about to pick up this 20-year chip and I'm Thinking about it. Wow, I Thought It'd Be Further Along By Now. This Is Your After Lunch 6 and 7 Talk, Otherwise Known As Nap Time. And Seriously, If Any Of You Do Find Yourselves Starting To Fade, Trust Me, I Understand. I've Done Some Fading And Some Very Interesting AA Talks. So if you've got to get up and move around for a minute, that won't hurt my feelings a bit. That's a basket. My home group is a design-for-living group. We meet in Neptune, New Jersey on Sunday nights at 7. And then I also have an online home group. It's a big book study, primary purpose group, and we meet Wednesday nights at 6. So if your interested in either of those, let me know and I'll give you the information for them. Andy, where are you? Thanks, buddy. Thanks for asking me to come do this. It's an honor, and thanks for the secret recommendation from over on the other end of the room there. This is really cool to get to be up here. And then thank you to everybody that's doing the work behind the scenes for this. You know, thank you again. Let's do that one more time. We all had a good lunch, and there's a lot that goes on at these, you know, a lotthat goes on behind the screens. And as one of the speakers, you kind of get to stand up here, and everybody gets to say all these nice things to you, you Know, and that doesn't always happen for the people doing the real work, youKnow, So thank you. Thank you to all of you for doing this. Now, I got to warn you, Julie and I, we had a late night. We had an early morning. We had a long drive and six and seven don't make much sense anyway. So good luck. Let's see. I'm going to start out talking a little bit about me and then move into these steps in a minute. I come from a loving family, but we're dysfunctional. You know, we're definitely a dysfunctional family, and I know that's true because five out of six of us either are currently or at some time in the past have been members of 12-step fellowships. Five out of sixth. That's pretty impressive, you know? And number six, you now, it's questionable. I know there's a fellowship for him too um but you know I uh I was I certainly wasn't abused and I was loved and I did pretty well as a kid up until about I don't know sixth or seventh grade is when uh when it started to get on me a little bit you know that's when I I didn't know what was happening it was just each day that went by I got a little bit more tense and a little Bit more anxious and a Little bit more stressed out I didn' anything to be stressed out about. I mean, I've been to therapy really. I did have some stuff to be stressed about, but, but I mean things were really pretty good. It's just what was going on up here, right? It's what was gone on up here. And, and you know, I had an experience, a weird experience. I love to hike and, and I had a, I went on a solo backpacking trip and I had a weird experience up on a mountaintop all by myself. And I realized that the way my head had started working at that time in my life, and it's not completely gone now. It's not near as loud as it used to be, but the way that it was working, especially in childhood, as it was almost like there was a father figure following me around everywhere I went saying, you know, I wish you were more like this, or you know if you were like this guy, you'd be okay, and that's kind of how my head talks to me, and if that was some kind of father figure following me around, we'd call him abusive. You know, but I didn't need that. I was doing it all on my own, and nobody was teaching that to me. That's just what was going on in this head, and it just progressively got worse and worse day by day, and I felt less and less good about who I am, you know, and saw more and more of what was wrong with me. And, you know, it was on me, low self-esteem, insecurity, all that stuff. And just like the other speakers have said, who have been awesome, by the way. Wow. I'm just blown away at what I've heard today. You know, Devin was great. Sarah, that's great. I'm kind of glad Sarah had to leave because I'm definitely going to talk a lot about her step. And, of course, Chris, you know, a special thanks to Chris. It's guys like you that are carrying on this message. You know, we've been talking about Mark Houston and Joe Hawk in the break, and guys likeyou carrying onthis message and organizing, youknow, big things for AA and the ripple effect, thank you so much. I'm so blessed to get the message that I've gotten throughout my recovery. Okay, so... so I got the solution to what was going on up here. It was alcohol that fixed it, right? I got immediate relief. I didn't know that that's what was happening at the time. What was happening at the top of my head, I knew that drinking was a lot of fun and I was going to do it a lot. But here's what I didn'T understand then that I understand now. Life is actually awesome. i know there are some of you sitting in this room that are going you damn right it is and then there are Some of you sit in here and you might be in the back no offense to anyone but you're in here somewhere and you're going No, it's not It's not You know, and it's always good. Sometimes it's scary. Sometimes. It's sad sometimes it's exhilarating But it's an awesome experience That I couldn't experience because I was trapped in this thing but what alcohol did is it freed me from this so that I could experience the awesomeness of the world. And it's supposed to be a lot of fun. It's a roller coaster ride, you know, it's opposed to be great, but I just couldn't experience it until I got a little alcohol in me and I got free of this mind and I could be here with you a part of it. You know, it's not that It's not that when I drank, I felt like I was a part of and I felt like I wasn't a part of it. I was good enough. It's that I didn't care. I didn' t care about that anymore. It no longer mattered. You know? And I was present. So what alcohol did for me was much like a spiritual experience. Right, Devin? Much like that spiritual experience Absolutely. Yeah. That's what it did for me. And it's interesting, you know, because that's not actually what makes me alcoholic. and you're going to hear speaker after speaker talk about that, and we have so much of us to have that experience. But I also worked in a high school for about 15 years. I was a teacher at one of those schools where you only get in if you got kicked out of your school. You guys know about that school? I worked in that one for a long time, and I worked with a lot of teenagers, and so many of the teenagers that I worked with, they had this problem. They weren't comfortable in their own skin. They get a little substance in them, and they feel a lot better about themselves. Does that make them all alcoholic? No, not necessarily. Some were. Yeah, some were. We're saving a seat for some of my students. But not all of them. No. So then what is it? What is it that makes... Well, I'll tell you what makes me alcoholic. Once I put it in my body, I lose control over what's going to happen next. Sometimes it looks like I'm going to have a couple. That's the plan. And then I overshoot the mark a little bit. But it doesn't always look like that. Sometimes I say, Andy, let's get drunk, right? Like I have no intention of drinking a couple. It's like, let'S go get drunk. But I still have the idea we're going to have a good time. What I really should say is, hey, Andy. Let's go to the bar and we'll get drunk and then I'll hit on your wife and you beat me up and then they'll throw me out and I'll peel out in the parking lot and hit a parked car and get arrested and lose my job and get kicked out of the house. How about that for a good night? So my point is, is once I put alcohol in my body I lose control. I lose control, you know? Like, I'll tell you a quick story. I came home from a construction job one night and this is while I'm still married still living at home and I've got a little daughter there playing in the floor and on this night my wife and I were getting along which was rare because when she got pregnant we both decided to quit drinking and she did. So we fought a lot if you know what I mean, right? Yeah, yeah. But not this night At this night, we're getting along. My daughter, she's playing on the floor, and my wife says, Hey, go get us something to eat, and I'll put Abby to bed. And then when you get back, we'll finish watching this movie. Okay, cool. I'll do that. As I'm walking out the door, I look back in and say, I'll be back in about 20 minutes. You could have put a lie detector on me and said, Chad, you swear to God you'll be here. You'll be there. You'll come back in 20 minutes? I would have said, yes, absolutely. We're not even fighting. Yeah, I'm coming back. And I would've passed with flying colors, and I'm going to get us some to eat. and I get this idea, you know, tomorrow my wife, she was in college. She'll be at, she'll be in school. I'll get my daughter up and get her ready and have a little quality time with her. Cause I've been off on a construction job, right? I'm back home now. I have a low quality time. Then I'll take her to daycare and then I'll go pick up my buddy Michael. And, and, you Know, I got a four wheel drive. I'm from, I'm a country boy from Oklahoma. If you can't tell I'm not from here. So, so what we do is we drink and we take a four wheel drive pickup and we go get in the mud and then we go shoot guns or something like that. It's a good day. Right? And that was the plan. So I go get something to eat and then I think, you know, I'm going to stop by his house and just let him know I'm coming to get him tomorrow. Well, I stopped by his home and I'm like, I'm at his house. And he answers the door and they're in there drinking, right? They're having a good time. They're partying. He says, come on in. No, I got to go, man. I, I Got tacos in the truck. I'm going home to watch a movie. And he says, well, just come in and say hi just for a second. All right, I'll come in for a second. While I'm in there, have a dream. Well, next thing I know it's midnight. Oh no, I can't go home now. If I go home Now I'll be in big trouble. Some of you are thinking, yeah, that's good sound logic, right? Next thing you know, it's daylight. The sun's coming up like buddy, we got to get out of here, man. She's going to come find me and there's going to be a big fight somebody's going to call we got to go so what happens is my 20 minute trip to get tacos takes two weeks but it's not like i come home in two weeks it's like two weeks later i get caught sneaking my golf clubs out of the garage at four o'clock in the morning you know and that's how i showed up as a father and a husband and that'S WHAT HAPPENED YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS I CAN'T GO HOME AND KEEP DRINKING SO HOME'S OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE ONCE I START drinking that then anything that stands in the way of that's got to go right fast forward a little a little ways down the road there and i had a bad wreck like devin so well explained this morning um that alcohol problem is just one problem that i have i have a much bigger problem and it's a mental problem it's insanity you know i've got a really good reason not to pick up that first drink and I still do it, right? I had a bad wreck. I ran off the left side of the road. I'm so glad I didn't kill somebody driving a big old pickup truck like we do down there. And I broke a bunch of bones and I spent about a month in the hospital and my big crazy family showed up, you know, and I know at one point my dad was in the hospital room with two of his ex-wives and his wife, you know, that's what my family looks like. And I'd pushed them all out of my life, you know, because they didn't fit. They didn't sit in my lifestyle, but they all showed up. You know, they showed up and we had that moment. I had that with many different family members where I looked him dead in the eye and said, you, know, we all know exactly how this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You, know there'd been many events leading up to this wreck and we all knew why I had the wreck. You know, I was under the influence and this was happening all the time and this wasn't enough and everybody was clear and people were really relieved even though I was pretty beat up. You had a broken pelvis and hip and shoulder and jaw and busted up head, but I was alive and they were actually, they were kind of like, finally, you know, Chad's come to his senses. And I looked him in the eye, man, I'm done. I'm not drinking anymore. I quit. I quit for good. I'm going to fulfill my potential. I'm gonna be a good father and a good husband and a great son and going back to school. I'll be good. I'm done with this. My dad cried, I cried. It was the weirdest thing ever, you know? Two days. That's how long I lasted. Two days and I was out all night drinking and partying again. On crutches that I did not know how to walk on yet with my jaws wired shut. My wife left, took the daughter, you now my daughter And finally, I mean, she waited much longer than she should have. And then I got homeless and not knowing where I'm going to go and didn't work for a long time and swore off day after day after day with a firm resolution to stop. And like Chris said, I kept changing my mind. Turns out I didn't really have a choice in the first place. You know, I didn't really have a choice in the first place. And that's what makes me alcoholic. I don't have a choose over whether or not I pick up the first drink. And then once I do pick it up, all bets are off. You know? I don' t know what's going to happen next. And that' s how it looked for me over and over and over. So what happened then at some point is my mom who she's the Al-Anon of the family. She organized an intervention. and I'm such an idiot. She got word out to me that she had a paycheck for me to pick up. It's not funny. I hadn't had a job in like two years, you know? But just in case, by some chance there's a check there, I really needed it. So I showed up. Now, have any of you guys ever been part of an intervention? It's a pretty high-stress thing. There were a lot of people that were really mad at me and really scared I was going to die and also really wanted nothing to do with me from now on who had to write these really uncomfortable letters and travel and show up and sit around other people that they may not get along with and wait for me and hope that I would somehow bless them by showing up at this intervention. You know, they did all that. They went through all that, And when I walked in that door and I saw those chairs circled up and all of them were occupied except for the one for me, and I see all those people there that love me enough to do that even though they hated me at the time. They loved me enough do do that and my first thought was, how could they do this to me? I got a question for you. Do you think because I eventually showed up in AA and quit drinking that selfishness went away? That's the selfishness I brought in. And as a matter of fact, getting sober just made it worse. So I went to a little treatment center, and I don't know what we did there. We probably talked about a whole lot of things that don't work for alcoholics, but they introduced me to AA. And they probably told me to go to AA and work the steps. That's probably what they told me. I didn't hear that part. I heard go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And I jumped in, man. I dove into AA and I got really involved. And I really, somewhere while I was in there, somewhere early on, I did not want to drink anymore. And something was working, man, and I was going to do it. So I became a good member. I showed up early. I stayed late. I cleaned out ashtrays. I set up chairs. I chaired meetings. I was on all the committees. We had to do a lot of fundraisers because our seventh tradition, where I went to meetings, we didn't get quite enough money in the basket to support the place because a lot of us were unemployed. You know, we weren't the most responsible group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I did all that stuff. I put my heart and soul into being a member and I stayed sober, but I stayed sick. You know? I stayed sickness. I stayed stick. And a few months into that, close to a year, close to an year into that I was about done with you guys. I love the way Chris puts that. It's like, oh no, not this guy again. I can't handle it. Ah, you know, it's a good time for a smoke break. You know, you ever feel the urge for a smoke break when this guy's sharing one more time? And I was about ready. I was About done with AA, you know, and I was on my way out. When I look back on it, I was on my Way out. I changed home groups once or twice. And then one night I'm chairing a meeting and this guy shows up from out of town and I was going to do the right thing and talk to him for a few minutes after the meeting. And that few minutes turned into a couple hours. and what he did is he out on the steps of that meeting with almost a year into sobriety he 12 stepped me he helped me to understand what was wrong with me what I just talked about with you how hopeless my condition was he laid that all out for me based on his experience and uh and and and I can tell you it was disturbing I love the way Devin put it it's not good news it's Not you know and he let me sit there quietly for a while and kind of take it all in. And I had, here's the disturbing realization that I had as arrogant as I was. I started to realize that I was going to be just like the rest of those people that I saw come in for a while and then leave and drink again. Like up until that point, I was just under the assumption that now I'm sober. I'm not ever going to drink again, but in that talk, I realized that it was goingto happen. It was about to happen. Not only was it possible, it was about to happen. And he let me sit with that for a while. And then he said, you know, Chad, I think I know what you need. It's like, oh yeah, Dave, what do I need? And he said I think you need a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps. Oh, oh, you mean that reading that I have read so many times at the beginning of all these meetings that I haven't memorized? Those steps. yeah yeah so we worked those steps you know and i had an amazing experience and it saved my life it saved me my life fast forward a few years and i moved it from that was in oklahoma i moved down to austin texas and i met charlie and katie charlie's my sponsor and uh and and spent some time with mark houston and um and and got to be a member of primary purpose group and and we uh we talked a lot about the big book and and those teachers brought this book alive for me in a way that I had never experienced. We talked about actually finishing all your amends. It was a new one on me, you know, even those ones that I was probably never going to run into those people, even those, you Know, got to go find them. We Talked About That. We talk about an ongoing inventory, continuing to write inventory as the need arises, periodically doing that and how it wasn't just about because I had a resentment that was eating my lunch. It Was Because It's an opportunity to continue to grow, and that's what I want in AA is to continue to grow. You know, we talked about what Mark would call the strict spiritual disciplines of steps 10 and 11, and we came up with a simple program of action on exactly how to practice those disciplines, and it changed my life, you know? And then we came back up with, I learned a very, like Devin, again, I keep talking about you buddy it's great a clear systematic way to lay out the problem of alcoholism to a new guy which by the way is the most valuable piece of information i've ever been given because that's what motivates me to continue to do this stuff that we don't want to do and then the next thing was get out there and carry this message you know where i came from we said that's attraction rather than promotion. That's our public relations policy. That is not our 12-step policy. What I was told is, Chad, do you want to experience the gift of carrying this message? Yes, I do. Well, here's a good idea. Sit around in your home group and wait for someone to ask you to sponsor. Well when you put it that way, and so what I did is I got out there, man. I got out there and I went to the places where they were, where the new people were. And I got to go into all these facilities and carry this message and get some sponsees. And wow, turns out that's the answer to alcoholism, you know, to carry this message from a state of surrender. That's the answer. So here's such a powerful thing that I learned from my sponsor and these other people. The problem is alcoholism, this hopeless, fatal condition that I suffer from. The solution is a spiritual experience. But I can't have a spiritual experience because I'm blocked. And here's what blocks me. I have a sick relationship with life. It's not really a relationship with live. What I have is a relationship with the way I think life should be. And I'm obsessed with it. I'm possessed with my preferences. That's all I think about all day long is how it should be and what happens in the process is I miss life, you know? And I love the way Sarah kept talking about this is God's will. You know what God's Will is? It's what is. But I can't experience that because I'm constantly thinking about what should be and that's where i am all the time that's where i live that's what's going on in here and i'm obsessed with it i'm constantly trying to arrange life to suit me that's the job that i have given my mind and it's not qualified you know and i think sometimes i stand up here and i bash my mind for thinking i gave it a job i said okay look here's what i need you to do from now on i need você arranjar a vida de uma maneira where I don't ever have to experience any discomfort or any pain or any inconvenience. Can you handle that? And my mind's been trying ever since. And it's heavily overworked, heavily overworking. That's not its job. Its job is to solve little problems, you know, not to arrange life. You know, so what happens for me is that the book calls it playing God and I can't experience God while I'm playing God. And I've got a whole set of character defects that are in place to arrange life in a way that suits me. Manifestations of self. And like Chris just talked about, we look at these manifestations of self and that's what I love. I love talking about going deep into this inventory process and really looking at, yes, absolutely, Do we throw down a four-step and confess stuff? And is that a big part of the path to freedom? Absolutely. But what I want to get down to is manifestations of self that are blocking me from experiencing the power of God. That's what I wanna be looking at in this inventory process. And I put that stuff on paper, I admit it to me. And then I sit down with one of you and I admit It to you. And now we're getting into what I'm up here to talk about, which is admitting this stuff to God. That's what I'm about to do. So after this fifth step, it says we go home and we get quiet for an hour. Seems like a long time. Anybody ever sit down and think, what am I supposed to do for an hour? That's a lot. And I'll tell you, if you don't hear anything else I say today and you haven't done this yet, get some Mark Houston. He's all over the place. Anywhere that where there's any kind of recordings of AA talks, listen to some Mark Huston. Maybe you'll hate him but maybe you'll love him and I tell you he I got to sit around the table with him once a week for a year and I consider that one of the greatest honors I've ever experienced in AA and he did a talk one time on this hour just to a group of us at the table and it blew my mind like what? I had no idea that's what we were doing. No idea that's what we're doing in that hour and he talked about what do we do there you know it's a meditation it's like a reflection I need to reflect back on these things right? That we've talked about. It's to contemplate, to pray but what are we doing here the book says we carefully review what we've done so what I have now is I have this inventory and what I usually do now on this is I take some more notes or sometimes the person I'm reading it to will take some notes and hand that over to me. And what I'm looking for here are some of my old ideas, you know? These things that I've been carrying around with me that are no longer effective, this belief system, right? I'm also looking at some of these stage characters that I play, you know? Who I think I got to be for me to be okay with me. It ain't the real me, by the way, you know? It's funny, it's so funny, you know? I don't know if any of you are like this but out there I was trying to be the tough guy living in a world full of criminals where I didn't belong. And in here, I'm trying to be the AA guy, you know? Well, I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to be somebody. Always trying to be somebody I'm looking for these, these, this description of where I've been at fault. You know, what, what has my behavior been in that showed up in the fourth column and in the harms that I've done in this conduct inventory and how I've acted when I, when I've been scared, you know, in self-reliance and all those things. I'm looking for what on the wall here, it says the exact nature of my wrongs. That's what I'm trying to get down to. And now I've kind of got, I've got a list of this stuff that I'm ready to take into six and seven. And then it talks about looking at these first five proposals. So I want to look back at the ideas that we've covered, the concepts we've discovered in these steps going into this. Am I clear that I can't manage my drinking? Okay, cool. That was pretty easy. But am I also clear that if I'm not deeply involved in this, that I will pick up another drink and I may not see it coming? Am I clear on that? Am i clear that this is a hopeless condition that understanding all this is not enough to keep me sober? AmI clear on tha? Self-knowledge is not enoug. Am I willing to take all these old ideas and these prejudices that I have about you, about me, about the rest of the world, about spiritual things, about God? Am I willing to set that stuff aside and come into six and seven? Do I understand that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success? Am I willing to carry that in? Am I clear on that? That I'm a self-seeker even when trying to be kind. You know, that I'm a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if you guys just all do what I want? Can I bring that into the six and seven, into this process? So that's kind of what I'm looking at here and what I'M bringing in. Are these stones in place is the way that Bill puts it. This foundation stone of willingness. Am I still willing? Am I really willing? What's my willingness look like in this moment? this cornerstone of belief or willingness to believe this keystone this decision to quit playing god you know bring that into six and seven and then it says if we've answered these questions to our satisfaction now here we go here we Gobe my buddy Mike that's you who you're talking about there he likes to say that that six and 7 are like step three with teeth because in the third step on pages 60 61 we're talking about each person we're talking about most people now we're talking about me I have had this shoved in my face for a few hours of the failure of self-will in my life so now I'm coming into this deal I made in the third step with all new awareness. Is this stuff really objectionable to me? Am I convinced that my life, not any life, but my life run on self-will is a failure? Am I condensed of that? This new willingness that I'm now bringing into this process. Is this tough objectionable? And what I found is that God doesn't remove what i don't surrender right and i can't surrender what i don't see and i've been running around on programs that i'm asleep to and i don'T know why i'M acting this way but thank god for this process of four through nine that helps me to get clear on this and then living in 10 and 11 and really starting to see this stuff that's blocking me. Thank God for this process. How many times do we hear people say, no, I got to ride a four-step? What's happened over the years is I've started to look forward to these opportunities to ride inventory because I know what lays on the other side and it's more freedom. It's more freedom. And that's what I'm looking for. So now it asked me an interesting question. It says, are we now ready? Are we ready? Well, of course I'm ready. Of course I'm to get rid of these character defects. What are you kidding me? I always looked at that and I was like, why wouldn't I be ready? Like, have you been watching what my life looks like? And I'll tell you, I had such a big awakening listening to Bob from Minnesota. And I'm sure some of you heard him say this, but he said that if you were to open him up and look inside, if you would open me up and looking inside, you would see that a lot of these character defects are not filed under problems. They're filed under answers. How am I supposed to cope with life without these character defects? I need them. I need him because they are how I manage my life so that I don't have to experience discomfort or inconvenience or certainly pain. I don' t ever want to experience that, and I need these. So what I've been trying to do is manage them. I've be n trying to manage these character defects. See, I'll give you an example. Dishonesty, that's a pretty simple one, right? I've got to learn to be who I really am so that I can connect with you on a deep level. But I need that dishonesty because I can't show you who I really am because then you may reject me, you know? What about lying? There's another one. Man, this lying, nobody trusts me. I got to stop lying. But I mean, I'm not lying. I need lying because that's how I stay out of trouble. But, you Know, let's get really personal. Here's a big one in my life, and the witness to this is sitting right over here. Rage. I know rage is killing me, man. I feel terrible when I act out in rage. But when you're coming at me with something that makes me so uncomfortable and I can't handle this fight anymore, if I throw a pan across the living room, I can shut down a conversation. Yeah, I've done that. Well into sobriety. Yeah. Here's another one I'm dealing with right now in this moment. Avoidance. I'm not getting done the things I need to get done. But you know what happens when I get really overwhelmed and I'm afraid to make a decision? Then I need avoidance. I'm going to scroll through this phone for a little while. We'll deal with that later. Too uncomfortable right now. And I don't even know what's happening. I mean, I just know that, ah, dang, I've been on my phone for a while. It's distracting. No, I'm avoiding. That's what I'm doing. See, so that stuff is really messing up my life, but there's a part of me that says, no, you need it. So am I really ready? Am I ready to let God remove the stuff that I'm saying is objectionable? Well, I don't know, you know? And then I find myself in a dilemma. Remember that dilemma we were in with alcohol? I'm in that dilemma with character defects. I can't live with them. I can't live without them. Yeah, there we go again. So it's all about manage versus surrender. What I want is relief from consequences. But then I'm starting to transition into somebody who wants freedom and a relationship with God. And that's where I find myself in these steps. My first sponsor, I came to him in early sobriety and said, I'm trying to quit smoking. And he said, you know, I quit smoking when I had about three years. And I said, really? I said how'd you do it? Because back at that time It was all about the Nicorette Everybody was chewing the Nicrette It's so funny You go outside a meeting See one of my buddies And I'm like Bro are you smoking a Marlboro And chewing Nicoretta right now? And he's like He's like yes I am And check this out And he got the patch on You know Like that's my boy right there I didn't want to do all that I said Dave How'd you quit smoking? And he said I made a deal with God I said you made a dealing With God What kind of deal Did you make with God? And he says The deal I made with God when I quit smoking was, God, I won't pick up another cigarette if you'll make sure I'm okay without them. I'm not up here giving a don't smoke talk. That's the philosophy that I can take into the removal of these character defects. God, I'll quit lying if you're making sure I am okay telling the truth. God, I'll be who I really am if you make sure that I'm okay even if people don't like me because of who I really am. God, I'll quit throwing pans across the living room if you'll make sure I'm okay sitting down having these uncomfortable conversations. God, I'll quite avoid this stuff and make a decision if you make sure that I'm ok even if I make the wrong decision. Right? Yeah. So the question then is what do I really want? And that's what it comes down to. And I'll tell you that moves us right into the next part of the sixth step and it's just like with the alcohol. You know, we surrender two big things in step one. The first thing we surrender is I can't manage my drinking. I've got to surrender these attempts to manage my drinkings. So what's the solution? Quit drinking. Which brings on another surrender because I can'T. Well, back to character defects. I can'T manage this. So I've gotta surrender my attempts to mange these defects. Well, guess what? I can''t quit the character defects either. Not on my own power. Any of you guys ever did that experiment in early sobriety where you're like, okay, I'm not going to lie anymore? And then by 10 a.m., you're Like, damn. That's number four, you know? So what that means is I've got a serious piece of business with God. You know, I really got something to work with here. I used to hear people talk a lot about working on their character defects. Some of you are laughing because you tried that, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't really work that well. You know, it turns out these programs that I've been running on are a lot more powerful than I thought they were. A lot more powerful. And to change my behavior on my own is pretty tough. Though I do have a lot of work to do, that work is not in the removal of character defects. I do a lot of working step four, step five, to become aware of this stuff. I'll do a lot of work in steps eight and nine. I'm cleaning up the damage that are caused by these character defects. I do a lot of work In steps 10 and 11, watching for these character defects, the reemergence of self, you know, I do A lot of Work in step 12 getting my ass out of the way and helping somebody else. I Do a lot Of work, but nowhere in that job description is removal of character Defects. It's not my job. My job is awareness and surrender. God's job is removal. You know, if I can keep that attitude going in, then the proper use of the will is to surrender, you know? Sounds so simple, but for a guy like me, there's a lot of work that has to be done to even come close to living in a state of surrender. It's all about change, you know? I want my life to change, but I don't really want to change. And there's no way that that'll happen. The circumstances, the specifics of the circumstances may change, but other similar circumstances will come in to replace those if I don't change. I have to change in order for my life to change, and that's a fact that I don' t like to face. But then, I can't change me on my own power. All I can do is place myself in a position to be changed, and I do that by staying spiritually fit. So staying spiritually fit is not self-help. It's not me changing me. Staying spiritually fit, it's keeping myself in connection with the power that can change me. That's where my work is. So I have a couple of old ideas. I have a lot of them, but the couple I'm going to tell you about, one of them is I shouldn't have any problems. You don't know me well enough to laugh like that. Another old idea that I have is that I come to God clean. Does that make sense? Like I'm supposed to fix this stuff before I approach God. You know? And what I've learned in this, Mark would talk about going to God with dirty hands. You know, can I show up there? Can I showup dirty? Can I shop before God? And you know, it's so silly because God knows me better than I'll ever know me. And God loves me the same no matter what I'm doing. I had someone point that out to me. He said, you know, Chad, God loves you just as much when you were stealing grandma's furniture as God lovesyou when you're sitting down helping the new guy. It's the very same, and that's 100%. That's the only way God loves is 100%, you know? Not me. That's how God loves, unconditionally. Can I come to God and say, you know, God, I can't be authentic because I'm afraid no one will like me. Can I do that? You know, can I come to God with how it is? Can I come TO God and say, you know God, I'd rather intimidate the one that I love than have an uncomfortable conversation. Charlie has me work with four questions in the sixth step. The first question is, what is it that's objectionable? It's kind of funny. The question was originally, what is it that's objectionable to me? And then Katie said, just because it's not objectionable to you doesn't mean it's not objection able. So Charlie changed the question. Now the question is, what is it that's objectionable? And that's that list that I've made going into this. The next question is can I fix this on my own? No, I'm powerless. The next question is, am I willing to let God change me in whatever way he sees fit? Even if I don't know what that's going to look like. And a lot of that is based more on the failure of my own life run on my will than it is on any belief that I have about God. Does that make sense? It's much more about me realizing how what I'm doing doesn't work than how much I know about what it's goingto look like handing this over to God. and then that last question is how can i align myself with the process kind of funny i had a i had a guy sponsored and and he told me i could tell this uh this story so he comes to me with a piece of fear inventory that his girlfriend's cheating on him and uh and he didn't have any like really good evidence for that right so he goes and takes this stuff to god in six and seven and then he calls me up and he says you know when we got to that question how can I align myself with the process? You know what came up? And I was like, no, what? And he said, I should probably stop making fake social media accounts and following her so I can see what guys like her posts. I was Like, yeah, it's going to be pretty hard to get rid of the fear if you keep doing that. So that last question, how can I align myself with the process? Usually that means I'm going to have to do something or stop doing something and surrender, right? Yeah. So the questions are, what is it that's objectionable? Can I fix this on my own? Am I willing to let God change me in whatever way he sees fit? And how can I align myself with the process? And those have been really powerful for me. So what I want to do now, see if I got time to do this. I've got a piece of inventory right here. And I want it kind of give you some of my experience with this and this. How long we did 44? It's really a funny. I really want to read the thing too. It's very funny. It's pretty funny. This is one of my students. His name was Lloyd. And what had happened is I was out on duty watching the kids get on the bus, right? And a window comes down on the bust and a half-eaten apple flies out of the bust toward the dumpsters and misses. If it had gone in, I'd have been like, yeah, you know, but it didn't. It missed. Not on my watch. I march on that bust. Like who threw it? These are a bunch of 15-year-old boys, right, standing in the back of the bus here. Who threw it?" Well, I know the code. You don't tell. You know, you don't fess up to that. And you certainly don't tell on any of your friends. But I demand to know who threw it, you know? The bus driver's like, hey, we got to go. I'm like, who? And this one kid, he's looking at his phone. Well, hell, he was nervous, you know, because I'm raising my voice. Put your phone up. And then this kid, Lloyd, he goes, dude, you don' have to put your phone up. He can't do anything. Well, guess what? He's right. I mean, I could do something, but I'd probably get fired. So I have to get off the bus. Now, if I could go back and redo that, I would walk on the bus, ask who did it. Nobody would tell me. And I would say, okay, I got it. And I'd go walk off thebus and throw away the apple. That would have set an example, right? But no, I was demanding to know. And I didn't get my way. So what do I do then? Since I didn' t get myway, now we've got four columns to look at. So I'm writing inventory on this guy. He doesn't do what I say. he has an attitude of superiority. He's entitled, he's lazy. He makes a decent grade in my class without working hard. I preach you have to work hard to make a good grade, right? He argues with me and he's disrespectful to me and He laughed at me when I was mad. Okay, so I get to looking in this third column and I have a bunch of old ideas come up. I play these stage characters. I'm a good teacher. I'm the authority figure. You know, I'm The Tough Guy. I'M THE PROFESSIONAL SO like I can't go to the principal, you know, I've got to handle this. I've not got all this conflict going on. Others should listen to me when I mean business. No one disrespects me. You know what I want out of this deal? I want to put him in his place. I wantto punish him. I want him to fail. I want revenge. And I want everybody to know that I won the battle and that's where my mind is just rolling. Did you hear the part where I want Him to fail? i need appreciation and respect to be okay i need to be right i need to win i also have some old ideas about high school students this is comical students should work hard they should recognize who's in charge listen and show respect students should know when to shut up and pay attention do you think i was like that the book says we realize the person we're talking about is perhaps spiritually sick like me I realize Lloyd is spiritually sick. He's an insecure teenager with an out-of-control ego trying to become a man the best way he can figure it out. He reminds me of me. Then we get into this fourth column. I'm not concerned about what's best for Lloyd. My concerns are all about me and what I need. I'm being childish, not him. I set the ball rolling by demanding to know who threw the apple and then I got upset when they didn't tell. I came in trying to be a badass and it backfired. I demand respect and don't get it. I set myself up for resentment and lose the opportunity to be helpful. I have self-seeking thoughts of how to get back at him. There's a long list of how To Do That. I won't bore you with the details. I'm delusional to think a 15-year-old boy would act any different, and then I'm afraid. I'm scared of losing, being wrong, being disrespected, looking incompetent, embarrassment, losing control. I'm playing God. Okay, so let's take this into this hour in 6 and 7 now. what is it that's objectionable? These stage characters I'm playing, the tough guy, the cool teacher that everybody likes, the professional who doesn't need any help to do his job. Those guys don't agree with each other, but they all have a voice in my head. I have a need to win at all costs. I need to be tough to prove something. I need always have control. I fear insecurity, pride. I have deep down belief that I'm not enough that drives all this. A deep down belief that I'm not enough that drives me into this kind of behavior. Do I have the power to change this? No, it's been going on for a long time. This is not the first student I've gotten confrontational with and if you work at the school where I worked, that's just a part of the deal. You know, you get confronted by your students for sure. I've been cussed out many times by teenagers. Am I willing to let God change me in whatever way he sees fit? Yes, I've had enough. No more bus incidents. I surrender. I do this seven-step prayer. How can I align myself with the process? I can pause and ask before acting. I didn't make that up. That came right out of the book. I can stop trying to be tough. I let it go. There's nothing to prove, nothing to win. My job is to demonstrate a God reliant man of principle to be of service to my students, regardless of how that affects me. Okay, so now fast forward. I'll tell you what this looks like in real time. I come in from and walk in my classroom, and I got a pretty full class at the time. It's right after lunch. There's always drama in the cafeteria, and they're always talking about it after lunch, right? So I come into class and the routing I'm like hey guys let's settle down to have a seat you know I got something for us to do and they're ignoring me I have a button right here that says do not ignore me and they are pressing it right do not ignore me. And I'm ready to get confrontational and then something hits me this is just pause for a second just relax for a second. I take a couple deep breaths, and I do what I was supposed to do. I pause, and I ask real quickly. It just happens like that, you know? Okay. And then this one kid, who's kind of the one that I was about to get confrontational with, got tattoos on his neck and all that, you know, and i say, hey, come here. Come outside for a second. So we step out in the hall and he's ready to go. You know, he's ready just at the drop of a hat, man. And I say, you know, Preston, when you ignore me, I feel disrespected. And you just see it all just kind of his face just falls and he looks down and he says, man, I'm sorry, Mr. Payne, I don't mean any disrespect. Now, we had a relationship. I have a relationship with my students. You know, this wasn't a kid that didn't know me at all. And when I said that to him, it hit him hard. You Know, these kids, I tell them my story, you know, we relate on a deep level. So when I Said that it hit Him hard. So we go back in class all good, carry on. A couple days later, I come in class, there's been more drama in the cafeteria, and it's rowdy. And I'm like, guys, let's sit down. Come on. Well, guess who steps up and has my back? He says, sit down, guys, let's go. You know, and he handles it. And then I can go on and do my job. I'm not telling you that the solution to this is tell the tough kid that, you know, that, hey, it hurts my feelings when you disrespect me. What I'm saying is in that moment, I had a different tool. And that tool was inspired in that momento where I paused and asked before I got in somebody's face. And that's a result of what one of my sponsees calls real time six and seven. But, you know, carrying this stuff in with me. So how we grow in AA? We made a deal in the third step. When God says I'll give you what you need, just stay close to me and do my work. Okay, cool. Here's what I need. I'm going to need this and this. God's like, no, that's not what I mean. I'm going to put opportunities in your life for those character defects to come to the surface so you can get free of them. It's going to come in the form of resentments and fears, relationships. I'm gonna give you those opportunities. And if you'll do this work, I can help you get free of this stuff. And that's the deal that I made. And what I understand today is that's how I grow closer to God in AA. I use the darkness. You know, it talks about the flow of spirit. My flow is blocked. all these energetic blockages in me, these old ideas, these character defects, these resentments and fears, all this stuff. It blocks the flow of spirit. My job is not to go find God. My job isto remove the blockages and get back to my natural state of God consciousness. As a child of God, that's my natural status. And that's what I'm trying to get back too. It's a process of undoing, not doing. That's how we seek God in AA. the goal here is continued growth. The best case scenario is today I'm working on a different character defect than I was working on 10 years ago. That's the goal. It's messy. This stuff is messy, and guys, to tell you the truth, I think that's why a lot of us don't stay. We find a reason to get out because we just can't face what it looks like to uncover and deal with more character defects you know that's why we have so many people coming out and just thumping this big book with a year or two and then they get in a relationship and the discomfort is too much to take you know i think bill says it separates the men from the boys in the 12 and 12 says we thank god from the bottom of our heart that we know him better not know about him because i don't know about your fifth step but in my fifth step we weren't talking about god we were talking about me and how what i was doing wasn't working but in the process i started to get free that stuff and as i experienced god i know god better and that's something to really be grateful for and this is all connected back into that first step you know i love that saying in aa grow or go you know today i want to do work on these this thing that happened in the classroom i don't want to do any more work on drinking i wantto keep that a thing of the past you know mark would talk about how much freedom do you want i don't just do this to stay sober i do this because i want more freedom i know that today right now in this moment it's not about alcohol but it can be so i want to continue to do this work on the character defects that are popping up in my life today continue to this work to surrender this stuff we get to the seventh step prayer, it's a lot like the third step prayer. As a matter of fact, if you put them up next to each other, they're basically the same prayer, just put in different words. And it's a commitment. It's a commitment to do something that I don't really know how to do and I don'T understand how it works, but it's just a commitment I've been to therapy. I'm not proud of it. And I was seeing this therapist. I saw her about three times therapies. Great. It'S a privilege. I think that anybody that can, I'M just joking I think anybody that CAN DO IT SHOULD IN ADDITION TO AN AA PROGRAM NOT instead of. With an awakened spirit, it's actually pretty helpful. But I'd met with this therapist three times in the summer and she said, okay, I think we can do some work here. I said, cool, all right. She says, I'm going to need you to commit to come see me once a week for however long. I say, okay cool, but here's the problem. I teach up in Round Rock and you live in South Austin and that's about an hour and a half drive and you're only open like three afternoons a week, and she goes, no, no. I'm just asking you to commit. And I said, well, I mean, I can't take a day off just to come every week. And she said, stop. I am not asking you to figure it out, Chad. I' m asking you to make a commitment and then let God open some doors. Oh. Okay. I commit to do this work with you. And it worked. I did two years of it. When we get to this third step prayer and this seventh step prayer, we're asked to make a commitment to do something that we don't understand and we don' t know how to do except just take the next step. But we can still make that commitment. So when we get to this prayer, we close primary purpose group with this. I love this prayer. And I'm going to say this prayer in closing. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. Thank you. Thank you.