Steps 6 and 12 – Jack B. – 2020

Couldn't possibly live with me for any length of time. Because the more sober I got, the more I stunk inside. Even though I cleaned up the outside, I still stunk inside. So if I was just in AA and sober, I'd rather be dead. I want to tell you something. There's a hell of a lot more in here than just not drinking. Because over here is the way that we people find our way to eventual living with the higher power after we die. See? Many normal people, they get up in the morning and they live a good life and they go to bed and they get up on church and they go to church on Sunday. And theirs is a direct route from here, from birth, to there, to death. Straight, even road. They have no trouble. They just go along that road and they wind up from here to there and they're happy. They die good and they live nice lives. But we're alcoholics and we suffer from a very real physical disease. Very real. And it causes our mind. Our mind to be diverted. And it causes us to do things that we never want to do. And then the guilt drives us mad and we go for more and more and more. It's a rat race. It's a rat race of alcoholism. The more that we do, the more that we need. The more that we take, the more that we do. And then we wind up. So our path to the end over there is very devious. It goes that way and that way. Sometimes it comes back and goes across and up there. But eventually you get to the same place that normal people do. Because we... We try. And that is the name of the game. Trying. You could call Alcoholics Anonymous attitude, attitude. It's your attitude that's important. So if you come into AA and look for the whole ball of whack, that's what you're going to get. Now we were ready for step six. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. A lot of people say, yeah, I'm ready. Go ahead. And they wait for a little magic wand to hit them on the head. And it don't happen. They're the same people. They just sit there and they wait. So how that the man upstairs removes the defects of character is that he brings them to your attention. Now you've got your conscience in the back desensitized with alcohol. Now it becomes sensitized again. It comes back to life. And as you go through life, you know that you're doing the wrong thing. And pretty soon, you know, you get confused. And then you have to ask God. And you're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. See? Now, you take your fourth step. You look at your fourth step and you see your defects of character. And you look at them and you say, do I want them? No, I don't want them. Very few people want them. I only met one person in AA. He said he had some that he wanted to keep. I said, good, keep them. And if he ever gets sober again, I'm going to ask him, how was it, you know, when you kept him? If he's lucky enough to get sober again. He got stinky. He got drunk about a month later. And he's still gone with his father. I'm concerned. So I wanted rid of mine. I said, oh, yeah, I don't want no part of them. So how did he remove them is by making us aware of them. You know, you'll start one day to say something nasty to your wife again or to your husband. And you'll stop and say, no, wait, that's a character defect. See, that's something that I do that I shouldn't be doing. So you pull yourself up short. And the guy upstairs will always put them right in front of your face like that. Now, if you like gambling. Damn, here comes all the gambling that you want. People will be inviting you to go to the racetrack or here where they want to sit in a card game. It comes down and you push it away. And you say, no, I don't want none of that. And it goes away. And it comes back again. Just like a carrot on a string. See? Push it away. Here it comes back. Push it away. Here it comes back. So finally you get the idea. And you say, out of my life. That's it. Finished. And it's gone. And what happens then? Here comes another one. See? Another carrot on a string. You like dancing girls? Man, you're going to see dancing girls all over the damn place out there. They're going to be ringing you up on the phone and falling down in front of you. They'll be all over the place. And you just say, where the hell did they all come from? Where were they when I was drinking? You know, I could. But here they are now. Because the guy upstairs is going to put them in front of you until you say, that's it. I don't want no more. And when you do, that goes. Then here comes another one. You're a thief. You're going to find money in the street. You're a thief. You're a thief. You're a thief. You're a thief. You're a thief. You're a thief. You're a thief. You're going to leave money on the counter. You're going to have money all over the place. And if you pick it up, well, you're not in AA. And until you learn, and the rest of your life, you're going to be fighting character defects. Because they're always there in the background. And if you relax your vigilance just a little bit, then boom, they're going to be right in front of you again. And you're going to have to make another decision. No, back there. I don't want no more of that. See? And that's the way life goes on. See? And that's step number six. And character defects are things that you're doing that you shouldn't be. And then we come to step number seven. We humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Now, what are our shortcomings? A lot of people say, character defect is this. Shortcoming is that. A shortcoming is those things that we are supposed to be doing and aren't. Now, it's not simple. A character defect is things that we do that we're not supposed to be. A shortcoming is those things that we are supposed to be doing and aren't. What are we supposed to be doing that we aren't? Well, I have heard many, many people in AA come into AA and say, I just can't get along with my kids. They bother me. They annoy me. And I just want to love them. And I can't. They're just a nuisance. And that's a shortcoming. You're supposed to be able to take your kids and put them on your lap and give them a bath once in a while. Take them out to a ball game. Whatever you play up here. I don't know. You take them to the circus. You're supposed to be able to live with your children. And if you can't, why? Because that's a shortcoming that you have. And you're supposed to be able once in a while to tell your wife, Hey, you sit down and I'll clear the table. See? Or you're supposed to go and do things that normally you don't know that even you're supposed to do. You have to learn how to live. And these are where your shortcomings come into play. So you humbly ask them to be moved. You give them your shortcomings. And he makes you aware of them too, just like character defects. And then we go on to step number seven or number eight. We make a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. The big thing in that step is to not look at step nine when you're doing step eight. Because if you look at step nine, you will never do step eight. What happens is that you say, Well, I can't do it, so I won't make the list. That's wrong. You make the list. Whether or not that you can do it is unimportant. The thing is, again, we go back to attitude. What is your attitude? Are you willing to do as you have to do? So you sit down and you make a list and you put everybody on there that you have injured. Now, it don't mean people that you have been embarrassed with or, you know, because making amends is repairing damage. So I have never, ever gone up to a doorbell and ring a doorbell and a guy come out and say, I'm sorry I did this to you. That, to me, is not making an amend. Making an amend is repairing damage. Now, I damaged my wife's life. I damaged my children's lives. And no amount of apologies is going to repair that damage. It takes something from me, actual work from me, to repair the damage. And many people come in. They come in to AA and they say, well, I hurt my kids so I buy them a bicycle for Christmas. That is not repairing damage. That is not helping children. Children need a lot of close attention and supervision. And the alcoholic is the one that doesn't give it to them. And then he comes in to AA and he goes blightly along the same path. And the kids get kind of upset again. And he tries to buy his children in a lot of cases. You don't buy children. That's not making amends. They need to. They need to be disciplined when they need it. They need to have a regulated life. And they're supposed to get it. They're supposed to be supplied with all their needs and shoes. And if you don't have money for shoes for you and the kids need shoes, then the kids get the shoes. That's the way that it works. You see, you come last. Because when you came in, I hear people in AA, I'm amazed. They say, I put me on the top of that amends list because I hurt me more than anybody. And I say, you better go out. And come in again because there's something wrong with your head. You came into AA and you got the greatest gift that God could give any human being. You don't need anything else. Your life is in the hands of the guy upstairs and you got everything that you need. You don't need anything. Who the hell are you to get amends made to you? You don't make no amends to yourself. You take care of other people and the guy upstairs will take care of you. So you make the list whether or not you can take care of people on it or not. You just put them down there. Because a tremendous thing happens when you make a list. It gets it out of here and on a piece of paper. And you'd be surprised. You go to bed at night and you sleep. You say, well, I can't do anything about it at the moment. But at least I've done something. I've put it on. I've got a list. And you ask yourself the question, if you would make amends, if you could, would you? And if the answer comes back yes, then you've done the eighth step if you've made your list. That's all there is to it. Then we come to the ninth step. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. See? Now, what I have to say here is that I owe a whole bunch of money. I owe a whole bunch of money. I've stolen more money probably than most people see in a lifetime. And I can't go back to banks or loan agencies or night clubs. I just can't go back and say, hey, I'm the guy who did this. I can't go back and say, hey, I'm the guy that knocked you off. You know, I'd go to jail. There's no reason for that. It won't help anybody. It won't help me certainly. What it would have done would be injure my wife because she needed every dime she could get when I got sober. And when it came back to paying back little loans, I went out and I got a second job because I didn't feel it was right. I deprived my wife long enough by drinking. And so I went out and I got a second job to take care of my bills, that I had my own bills, that I had drinking and borrowing money and what. And I got a second job in order to pay them. And I didn't think everything that I earned on my first job I gave to my wife to raise the children. And I went 14 years without buying a suit. And it got to the point where my wife would say to me, hey, Jack, you know, you go to meetings and you speak. And you got that old business. You got that old bag on you there. And I said, what's wrong with this suit? See, my first suit came from a morgue here. One of the group called me up one day and he said, hey, Jack, you know, why don't you come on over and see me? This is Bill. And I said, where are you, Bill? He said, over in Kings County morgue. I said, what the hell are you doing over there? He said, I work over here. I said, oh, I didn't know that. I said, what do you want me over there for? He said, well, we got a guy in this morning and he's just your son. And he's just your size. And he's got a nice suit, a blue suit. Why don't you come on over and see if it fits you? And I went over there, you know, and I said, my God, Bill, do you think we ought to be taking a guy's suit? He said, well, geez, he ain't going to need it no more. He don't need it. And he said, go ahead, have it. Only had a little hole in the back here in the pocket where you get hit with a truck. That was it. It was full of blood in it. But it washed up nice. It cleaned up nice. And I had a suit. As long as I kept my jacket on, it was all right, see? And that's the way I went. And that suit lasted me a hell of a while. And then one time my wife said to me, you got to get a new suit. You look like a, you know. So I went out and very reluctantly I bought a new suit, very reluctantly. Because I felt that with all the money that I stole and all the things that I had done and taking welfare checks right out of the kids' mouths and taking milk right out of their mouth, I didn't feel like I deserved anything. Nothing. And that's the way I still feel. I don't have anything that I need. I have everything that I need. I don't have everything I want, but I got everything I need. And that's the way it's been with me and that's the attitude that I have. So I took that step and I made direct amends wherever I could. I went to my brother one time. My brother came to me and it was a long time. He used to say to me, hey, Jack, you still running around with that bunch of junk? I said, no, I'm not. I'm not. You still running around with that bunch of nuts in there, yeah? I said, yeah, Jimmy, yeah, I still run around with them. And he said, boy, why don't you spend a little more time home with your wife and your family, you know? And I said, well, my wife and my family are in good shape. They're all right. They're happy. And he said, yeah, but, you know, you've been away a long time. You're out of the house. You're in jails and prisons. Why don't you stay home and really enjoy yourself? I said, he don't understand. He didn't understand. One day he came to me and he said, hey, Jack, you know, I'm not going to let you go. I said, well, I'm not going to let you go. I said, well, I'm not going to let you go. He came to me and he said, hey, Jack, I'm on strike. He was an artist. He drew, he painted some beautiful stuff. But for a living, he worked for a newspaper and he did retouch work for a newspaper. And he said, we're on strike and been a couple, three weeks now. And I don't have, you know, too much behind me. He said, you hire a lot of people on your job. I hired a lot of people, clean up people, you know. I was working for real estate companies. And I was working for a real estate company. And I had contracts for cleaning and maintenance and whatnot. And he said, how about you put me to work? He said, you hire a lot of people. He said, I could push a broom for you, something. And I said, all right, good. I said, but I'll tell you what you do. You go and you bring up your easels and whatnot and your paints, excuse me. I got a few cartoons that I'd like you to do for me. So instead of you pushing a broom, you do the cartoons. And he said, really? I said, yeah, yeah, do that. So he come up there and he sat in my office and I put him in a corner with a desk and his easel. And I told him what I wanted. And he made me up about 25 beautiful cartoons about this big. And they were all framed and they were on the wall down in Sobriety Unlimited in Mount Vernon, New York, yet. And they're beautiful. For instance, one is where a bunch of people stand, a guy laying in a casket. And one guy is saying to the other, he's sure to die. And the other guy is saying to the other, he sure looks good since he stopped drinking. That was one cartoon. And then they're all in that order, you know, alcoholic jokes. And it was good. So while I'm there, he said to me one day after a couple of weeks, he was leaving, strike with all of you, going back to work. He said, Jack, I want to say something to you. I said, what's that? He said, you know, I never knew what you did. He said, but while I've been here, I've been watching your phone ring. I see this kid Mickey come in and out. I saw him when he got here with no pants. And you give him a pair of pants. And now he's working. He's happy. He said, I never knew what you did. He said, you do this all the time, do you? I said, yeah. He said, damn, I'm proud to know you, you know, just like that. And I said, is that right? Yeah. I said, well, that's good. A different attitude. I said, you know, you still running around with that punch of nuts, Jack? He said, no, no more of that. He said, now I understand you. And he sent me a very lovely letter after that. And he said, for the first time in my life, I understand my business. You did a good thing. Only the tickets were worth their value. I skinned and took back the trovations that had not been shown you before. And I shot him in the eye with a rifle. And I shot him several times and I shot him almost every two more times and he hit the door. I told Jim, hah ha ha ha. I found out why we get in a war. About a half an hour before he died, the day before the mortuary, he was a häufig and the waste of tax money came from Jim. And we were trying to get around the house. We were trying, you know, dealing with do do do do. let him work, let him think he's earning a buck, and he did earn it. I got my cartoons, and he got his money, and he paid his rent at home. And when he died, him and I were very, very close friends, and he loved me real good, and I loved him real good. And you see, he was only 52 when he died, and he died of high blood pressure. And I often think of him, and I think of him, he left two lovely children, a lovely wife, you know, and here I am getting my brains kicked out, and cops shooting at me all over the place, and running mad, and being beat half to death, and sleeping in the streets, and I'm alive. And he's dead. And if I were to stand and ask the guy upstairs why, well, then I wouldn't be right, you see, because mine is not the question. I'm alive, and I'm alive for a reason. I'm alive to be here this morning, and talk to you people. That's what I'm here for, see? And that's the way that it is. And he's dead because the guy upstairs wanted him. And my mother was dead, and there was nothing I could do. And Sam Cohn told me, I said, how do I make amends to my mother, Sam? She's dead, she never told me sober, and I feel pretty bad about it. He said, hey, there's a whole bunch of other mothers laying around here, you know. And he said, ah, he's got a mother, he's got a mother, you help him, you help his mother, right? Do I have to be your mother? I said, well, not really, I'd like it to be. He said, well, I don't know. Well, put your likes where you're, you know, forget your likes. Your mother knows what you're doing. You don't have to tell her. You don't have to write a letter to the Holy Ghost. And I said, well, okay, that's your attitude. And this was a little Jewish fellow, too. You're a pretty smart cookie, this boy, I tell you. And he died, too, just before Bill Wilson died, two weeks. And I missed him good. Because all my life I knew that Sam was there. And he was a very funny little guy. I tell you, when he called me up one day, he was crying. And I said, what the hell's wrong with you, Sam? He said, oh, Gene's left me, Gene with his wife. And I said, Gene has left you? I said, that's ridiculous. Gene wouldn't leave you. He said, but she did. And I said, where is she? He said, in Cincinnati. What's she doing in Cincinnati? She's there with my son. I said, ah, she's for a visit. No, she left. So I said, well, give me the number and I'll call up. So I called. I called up Gene. And I said, hey, Gene, the old man said you left him. He said, she said, he what? I said, he said you left him. She said, well, I did, but only for a visit. And I said, you going back? She said, yeah, but I told him I wouldn't come back till he cleaned up the living room. And I said, what the hell's in the living room? She said, well, you ought to hang up the phone and go over there and find out. She said, because I can't live no more with that man if he don't clean up the living room. Now, he was a sign painter, right? Sign painter. And somewhere along the line, he got the idea that he wanted to paint other than signs. So he got big easels and he started painting ships. And when I went over there that particular Saturday morning, you couldn't walk into that living room that was covered with ships. There must have been 200 paintings of ships on the walls, on the floor, under the, everywhere. And I said, Sam, what are you doing over here? He says, well, I like ships. Well, there's no reason. You don't have to have that many of them, you know. And finally, he'd get rid of the paintings. He'd put them somewhere. And she'd come back home again. She said, oh, that damn old fool. See? And the amazing thing, that woman was stony deaf. She could hear on a telephone with a big heavy amplifier she carried. And the day that he died, her hearing came back. Most amazing. Because he used to lead her about, see? And the day he died, both her ears cleared up just like that. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. She could hear. sobriety, things keep coming back to you, keep coming back to you things that you didn't remember when you were doing step four and if you keep going back and doing step four, you're going to make a lifetime vocation out of it and it's not what's needed, you'll neglect the rest of the steps, so what you do you take step four one time and then as these things start coming back to you, you'll be driving along, you'll remember something that you did a long time ago, you take care of it then with step ten and when you walk along in the morning and you're ready to snap at somebody you say that's wrong I can't do that and if you do then you turn around and you apologize right then you say hey, I shouldn't have done that, I was wrong, I'm sorry, don't let it go and I would say at this point too that all these steps are geared for the alcoholic selfish selfish program because if you go to bed with something on your mind something that you've done in step ten you've been wrong and didn't admit it promptly, you go to bed that night you don't sleep and when you don't sleep you get up the next day you don't feel good and when you don't feel good how do you get to feel good, you take a drink so these steps are geared to help the alcoholic, nobody else just the alcoholic, other people benefit of course but we help ourselves mainly, so when we were wrong we promptly admit it for our own benefit that's step ten then so through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out prayer and meditation, a lot of people get upset, they don't know what meditation is, meditation is simply thinking, thinking about you and I meditate always the same way I put myself in close contact with the higher power, I do that by counting my blessings you see I have so many blessings it's impossible to believe but I count my blessings and when I do my thoughts always go back to the higher power and my first day in AA and how fortunate I am to be alive and when I put my mind in that chain of thought in that train of thought then everything becomes easy I ask my friend upstairs let me go on just a little bit longer and whatever you want me to do make it clear to me because I get kind of confused and what I'm supposed to do, let me know and tell me what that you want me to do and make it very explicit so I don't make any mistakes, I haven't got much time left for making stupid mistakes and starting over again, so before I do anything I always meditate just a little bit and I ask my friend for guidance for that particular day and that particular problem that I have and praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out while I lay in the heart of my heart and I'm not going to lie to you I'm going to tell you a story that I heard in a hospital not too long ago in the intensive care ward and I had a very severe heart attack and one of my arteries to my heart just closed off completely and it was a terrific amount of damage to the back lower part of my heart and I lay there between life and death and I was very alight in my mind I was aware every minute of what was happening and I watched that damn beep machine up there beep beep beep and I waited for that to stop a dozen different times you know and all through it all I kept a good contact with my friend upstairs and I said what's going to happen here is either I'm going to get out or I'm not going to get out period, that's it and nobody knows that kept the man upstairs and the doctor used to come and he'd tell me you know you're going to be alright Jack you know it's going to be fine and I didn't really care it didn't bother me at all didn't bother me not even a little bit the only thing I was concerned about was the doctor and the doctor was concerned about was three meetings that I had lined up two in Canada and one down south in the States and I said I can't get to them meetings I'm sure so I had to cancel three meetings and that's the first time in all my years in AA I've had to cancel a meeting I couldn't get to them three and I said to my friend upstairs if you want me out of here get me out of here but don't let me be a vegetable don't let me sit give me the strength to go and do what I want to do what you want me to do and you know he did because I got out of there I couldn't walk from here to that chair I couldn't move and I knew as soon as I got out of that hospital that it was snowing and the snow was up to there and the windows were covered with snow I went home to my home and I was home for about two days and I couldn't cook I couldn't do nothing and I thought if this damn boiler ever goes off I'll be in trouble because it was below zero it was very cold winter weather and it was when I was in that condition my wife was working my wife was no longer here she decided she didn't want to live with me any longer and what happened was that she was taken to the hospital in an emergency operation for gallbladder two days after I was home that left me in a house covered with snow in the middle of winter unable to get to the bathroom unable to do anything all by myself it was pretty weird pretty weird I called a few friends in AA and they came over on the way to work and on the way home from work they called me on the telephone they kept in touch with me but what happened was that I had to physically get from there to the stove to get a cup of coffee and I did it and I crawled it was like I was going to die and I said if this is the way it's going to be this is the way it's going to be and I finally got to the bed and I was able to get in the bed and get out of the bed my wife came back two weeks later or three weeks later and I was able to get around to the house you see and then when the spring came I got out on the sidewalk and I walked a half a block and I sat down for two hours and I walked back and then I sat two more hours and I walked a half a block because you see if there's a will there's a way and I was not going to be tied to a damn wheelchair and pretty soon I was able to walk two blocks and three blocks and four and eight and then I went over to shopping centers where they were air conditioned and she dropped me off in the morning at work and before she went to work she picked me up in the evening on the way home and that day all I did was walk through shopping centers I knew every count of the time I knew every counter I knew every sales girl every sales man I knew that shopping center like the back of my hand because that was my lifeline you see now it gets to the point where I went to the doctor and I asked him hey doc I got a trip to make can I make it and he said I'll tell you next week come back in and we'll give you some tests and I went back in and he tested me and he said yeah you can make a flight so I went back and I started going and traveling again to my meetings and I've been traveling ever since I don't have any problems because I have turned my life and will over to the care of God if I understand him and I'm not going to stay in this damn world one minute after he wants me and I'm not going to go one minute before he wants me so I ain't about to worry about it you see because that night when I go to bed I take all my troubles and I tell my friend upstairs hey friend you're going to be up all night anyway so here hold them for me till I get up in the morning if you pray don't worry and if you worry don't bother praying I mean it don't make sense that's the way that I live now we come to step 12 and I know the seats are getting hard and I'm going to get the hell out of here real quick having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice the message that we are not going to sleep and we are going to practice these principles in all our affairs very big order but very simple very simple to do having had a spiritual awakening what is a spiritual awakening I never had a spiritual experience but a spiritual awakening I had because to me spirituality a spiritual person is a person that is wanted needed and loved by his actions in the world now if you are spiritual the people around you love you and they want you and they need you now certainly my being here is an indication to me that I am living a spiritual life because people want me they call me to come they pay for my ticket to come up here so I'm wanted, needed and loved so I'm doing fine and that is what the steps of AA do for you they make you spiritual nobody in this world can make amends to people they have hurt and not have them people turn around and say well he is a pretty nice fellow I guess I do love him you see so it is to our benefit to put these steps into our life because then we become spiritual and after we have a spiritual awakening is when we come to realize that we are not sick helpless, hopeless, chronic alcoholics but that we are in AA and that we are sober and the guy upstairs has a job for us to do that is all that a spiritual awakening is to me and I have had that spiritual awakening and having had that spiritual awakening it was very important to me to help the newcomer when he came through the door to get the same thing that I got when I got here understanding so I always keep an eye on the door for the newcomer because he is the most important person in the room without him I am dead because if I don't help people and keep my spirituality alive then I too will die the guy upstairs will say to me are you tired Jack? come on up here I don't want to go yet I like it here I am having a lot of fun I enjoy my life and I don't want to go any time before I am going to do anything to precipitate anything that I don't want you see and try to carry this message to other alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs practicing these principles in all our affairs is very simple before they do unto you that was the way I lived then I had to come into AA and I changed that around a little bit and do unto others as you would have them do unto you you see I was all screwed up in my head so now if I can't help you I won't hurt you guaranteed I will never hurt you I will turn around and I will walk away before I will hurt you I won't even argue with you because if I argue with you I will come out second best and if you come out second best you might be at that point in time that you can't handle it and you might go and seek relief in a battle though I won't argue with you and if you have an opinion that's your opinion God bless you I hope that is the right opinion but I don't want to have any cause for any animosity to anybody because when I came to AA I was a pretty pretty sick fella nobody ever corrected me and jumped down my throat and I said some pretty stupid things too I was a pretty dumb fella when I got here and what happened was that people tolerated me they tolerated my ignorance and hoped that I would grow and change and thank God I did grow and I did change and I look back and I see how tolerant people were of me because my attitude was if you didn't like AA I would have taken the guns out of you that was the way I was don't talk anything that's wrong because I'll belt you my hands went quicker than my head and people used to say Jack we don't do it that way no more and I say well why not it's quick and easy you don't have to put up with this nonsense from this bum I'll take them outside and dump them and Jack please forget about it we'll handle it and I couldn't understand their attitude and I don't want to do what I don't want to do now so my attitude is if I can't help you I won't hurt you and I'll tell you one more thing and then I'm going to shut up I woke up this morning as I wake up every morning and I looked at the floor and I'm in a very lovely place I'm living there with Brian and he's got a whole room I don't know where the hell he's sleeping but I'm sleeping in a very nice bed with an air conditioner and it's beautiful and I woke up this morning and I counted my blessings and I said gee what a I had a good sleep and I feel good and I woke up at 6 o'clock and I took my pills I take pills if you ever see me taking a pill they're not pills for you know stupid pills what they are for my heart because my heart don't go too good and I take a pill and it regulates my heartbeat and pretty precisely so I took one at 6 o'clock and I laid back a little bit and I said isn't it nice that's a nice fella Brian and Mike and all of them and then I said my little prayers the minute I put my feet on the floor I got to get in touch with the guy upstairs because now I've slept I feel pretty good I got a big date in front of me I got a whole 24 hours just for me and I should be dead and I'm not and don't think I'm not grateful but when I say I woke up this morning that's real good for me I'm very happy I woke up and I told my friend upstairs I'm sure glad you give me another day because I got a lot to do today and I said my little prayer and I don't think there's very many mornings that I miss my little prayer because I can always find a little time to say it and it says I meet my God in the morning when my day is at hand and my life is at its best and his presence comes like a sunrise like a glory in my breast and all day long that presence lingers and all day long he stays with me and we sail in perfect calmness o'er a very troubled sea so I think I know the secret learned from many a troubled way you must seek him in the morning if you want him throughout the day and when I get that little prayer in my heart out you know it's a beautiful day and I don't care if it's hot or raining or if it says there's going to be a tornado or something tonight I don't know what the hell he's talking about but I don't care it's a beautiful day and you're beautiful people and I love you for being here and I want to thank you all for listening to me now before we close I would like to say this if there's anybody that has a question on anything that I've said please ask it and no question is stupid if I've said something to confuse you nobody has a question nobody at all okay it's ten minutes to one my god did I talk all that long I'm sure that it was somebody else must have been him it wasn't me you don't leave your kids in the hands of God because God is not their father you are and there are certain things that you have to do as a father this is one of the moral obligations in step four that you've mucked up on as a father you have moral obligations to your children and to your wife as a husband you have a moral obligation as a husband you have moral obligations to your neighbor so these are the moral obligations that he talked about in step four it's not sex in there I feel it's moral inventory so now you have to find out what does the father do because obviously you don't know I don't know either I didn't know I should say and I had to go to somebody that knew what the hell they were talking about and I always say that if you want to take a good fourth step what that you do you find somebody up the street that when you were drinking you hated his guts and you know why because he was always right his kids always had shoes his wife was always happy he polished his car he cut the grass on his lawn when Christmas came he took his Christmas tree down not in July but in December a guy that always did the right thing you hate his guts well that's the kind of guy you want to take your fourth step with not with but look at him and say why am I different from him that's your fourth step the difference do you see now you're sober go to this guy or go to somebody that knows and their children are good go to him and say hey what I do in this situation and lay it out to him because we can learn from everybody particularly normal people go to him and ask him and that's what you do find out what a father is supposed to do and do it very simple do we have any other questions does that answer yours ok good on you anything else you said in the question honesty about someone finding money could it make a little precise well sure I walked into I was in men's room and I walked into the men's room and there was a wallet there and it had two hundred and fifty dollars in it Australian money laying on a on a sink and I picked it up and I opened it and I knew damn well that if I put that in my pocket there was nobody in that meeting who would ever suspect me of taking it right nobody well that's Jack Brennan he wouldn't do that they wouldn't even ask me did I see it and this went through my mind because at the time Uncle Sam is not too heavy with his disability money you know and by the time I get it over here and by the time you Australians get a lump out of it for exchange rate I wind up with nil I was zilch so two hundred and fifty dollars I could have used I could have used it but if you found a bill in the middle of the road and you sent it there by yourself oh that's different I would make every effort to find out whose it belonged to I would make the effort and if I couldn't find out who it belonged to and actually I'd keep it my mother didn't raise no stupid children you know but there are a lot of times that we can do things that are not completely dishonest but they're not honest either you know that's what we got to get rid of that fair line in the middle there see and if there's a note in there or a guy's name and address you got to give it back to him don't keep it that's what I was referring to see not taking the easy way out all the time what else do we have anything alright well if that's it you want to knock it off now I'm very happy to have been here you want me to speak again tonight and tell my story is that right that what you want okay I'll do that tonight and before I do that I want to thank whoever was responsible for paying for my ticket to come up here he got it for me I don't know where the hell he got it I hope you didn't steal it Mike but whatever it is because you see gratitude will strangle you just the same as hate will see and I'm full of gratitude and I I realize something that if I don't get out to meetings and talk to people and help people as well as I can then my gratitude is going to start choking me and pretty soon I might die so thank you all for having me and God bless you all