Steps 4 and 5 – Big Book Workshop 2019 – Part 2 of 6 – 2019 – Katie C.

How much was registration for this thing? Ryan, how much was... How much was registration for this thing? It's unbelievable. I mean, it's like lunch, breakfast, lunch. I mean it's incredible. These guys are doing a great job. And the energy here is just terrific i i wish i could visit with you guys i uh more i mean it's a we're really having a great time i um and katie spilled something on my notes i always i always say yeah if you want to see how uh serene somebody is let a newcomer spill a cup of coffee on their big book you know and see how they do but uh mark used to say i can't stay sober i can'T Live off of food I ate last week, and I can't stay sober off a spiritual experience I had 25 years ago. We're talking about current work, staying in this stuff. But, you know, it's so fun. I don't know where I'm going to go with this. But, when we talk about taking a technical approach to this book, one of my favorite stories is our buddy from Indianapolis, Gary B. And they were in Denver. That's a big way up the chain in my lineage of sponsorship. Mark was my sponsor and then Don Pritz sponsored Mark Gary B. sponsored Pritz Paul Martin sponsored Gary and then above him was Tom Powers and then Bill Wilson but in that lineage what happened with Gary and this group of people in Denver was one time this guy named Mac Cheater came down from Canada and did a big book workshop in their town And Gary and them came up with the idea. They said, what would happen if we got that book out and we started going through the book and whenever there was an action indicated, we took that action. If it said pray, we pray. If it says think, we think. If it say write, we write. And there was 14 of them that sat down. Gary's got over 50 years of sobriety now. It's the coolest chip I've ever seen. We were at his 50th birthday and he got a chip that just had an L on it for 50 years. I was like, whoa, I want to get me one of them. But of this group of people, there was 14 of them that went through that exercise together. And of that 14, one guy went out and relapsed and died in a snowstorm, sleeping in a doorway in a storm. The other 13 people either are still sober or died sober. I mean, that was the effect of a group of People taking a technical approach to this step. So I'm always looking at what are they trying to say, what are we trying to say, and one of the things I like to do after a break, what we're really looking for in the fourth step is, you remember this guy that I've sent asking me fair questions like, what do you mean by that and what do You want me to do? And I always picture this guy when we get into the fourth steps saying, okay, okay. You're telling me that self is what's killing me. I don't get it what am i supposed to be looking for i don't know what self means and so that's what it says in there it says it's funny because like it's like katie was saying on 60 it says the first requirement is that i be convinced that any life run on self and then we get to 64 it says being convinced that self showing up in various ways is what it defeated me we considered common manifestations of self it changes the whole focus of the of the inventory process for me in that We're saying, okay, if you're telling me self is the problem, I don't get it. And we go, well, let's look at some common manifestations of self. And one of the first ones they look at is resentment. You know, it says resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else, even alcohol. Resentment destroys more alcoholic than anything else. And so as we start going through the work, I'm going to talk about a couple of inventories, but it's lunchtime and everybody's blood's in their stomach right now. So if we're not going to all be nodding out like we're on methadone, I like to tell a couple of funny stories. Because when you start looking at manifestations of self, it's everywhere and it's all over me. And the first place that self becomes obvious is in others. My God, can we spot it in others? Now me, I'm blind to it. It's amazing to me how many times a sponsor can call me up and he tells me and I'm just all over it. I can just see self all over the tent stuff he's doing with me. And then I'll get wrapped around the axle and call Myers, and he hands it right back to me, just like I've been handing it out to these guys. And you just go, oh my God, how can I be that asleep? I mean, how could I not see it? Because I'm blind to self and myself. I was talking during the break, somebody said in the first step we're not trying to convince the guy that he's got a problem we're trying to convince him he doesn't have an answer you know and then when we get into the third step the problem is self but i can't get over self myself and i can'T quit playing god without god i can'T just make a decision to be less selfish so so we but when we start you know as we start going through this there's some great examples of but you know when i first started looking for self i don't see much you know so and i think about sometimes like this bird watcher. If I went out into the woods out here, and it's gorgeous outside today. You guys are my heroes for being in here on a Saturday afternoon. It's always better for a conference if it rains. But if I go out into the woods, I might hear a couple of birds. I might see a couple OF birds and something like that. And that's what I see when I go up there. But if I go with a trained bird watcher, they might hear 30 different kinds of birds and see 11 different kind because they know what they're looking for. And it's the same way when we start looking for self, I start seeing more and more ways that it manifests. And there's some funny examples, but one of my favorite examples of manifestation of self is what we call story stealing. And you'll have some fun with this in your AA group. Story stealing is where, let's say Dave comes up and he starts telling me a story about something he's got going on and his story reminds me of one of my stories, right? And my story is way more interesting than his story. So I come over the top of his story and I didn't realize I did it you know, when I say I'm some of Katie's best work she gives me a lot of awareness she's very generous with her input sometimes and one time we were at a party and I didn't know it but this guy comes up and he goes, hey Charlie, how's it going? I go, hey what's up man? He goes, I'm getting ready to go to Costa Rica. And I go Costa Rica? Oh dude I've been to Costa Rico three times. One time I went down there was ten of us. We went down there all together as a group. We stayed at this place called Melia Cariadia. It was this amazing country club. We played golf we rode dirt bikes through the coffee plantations we went white water rafting, we went down to the beach. I mean oh my god you're going to love Costa Rica and then I just turn around and I walk off. And I leave Katie standing there And she's like, I'll listen to your Costa Rica. But he didn't get to tell his story because I stole it. And oh my God, it is rampant in my family. In my family, it's a story-stealing festival every time we get together because you can't get four words out that doesn't remind one of us of something that happened to me or my wife or her family or my friend. So it's always like, and so that's story-astealing, right? So keep an eye out for that one. Now, the first cousin to story stealing is what I call having your hand up while somebody's talking. And I didn't know I did that or neither. I'm just so grateful for all this awareness. Having my 13-year-old daughter, when she was 13, she pointed this one out to me. She was at a retreat and they talked about having your hands up. If somebody might be telling me a story, now I don't interrupt them, but I've already thought about what I'm going to say. And I might as well be sitting there going, waiting for them to finish so I can come in with what I'm going to say. So having your hand up is the first cause of the story stealing. And one time, Katie and I were sitting at the corner of the table. I sit at the end of the tablet near the meeting. I do a lot of my spiritual work, and it's just where I sit. It's in the middle of the house, and we live up on a ridge. We got super lucky with this house. It's right in the Middle of Austin, but there's a valley behind us and a big canyon going that way. So we have a view in both directions. So if you'll sit right here, I can see both ways. I'm sitting there one time and Katie was talking to me and she's talking about something and she goes, put your hand down, honey. I'm not through talking. And I didn't realize that I had my hand up, you know. But when she said that, I went... Because I didn'T even know it, but I had already drawn in air so that if she left a gap, I could come in there, you Know? You know, because I've already thought of what I'm going to say. And as soon as she, I'm gonna go, yeah, well, you know, one time I was, you know, and so, I mean, so having your hand up, Story of Steel and her first cousins. And so when we start talking about this stuff, we start seeing more and more examples of how selfish and self-centered I am. And I don't understand how I drive people crazy. You know? I mean, when we started moving, that workshop that I did in Idaho was a men's retreat. And I went there and I took a spot to see it with me. And so we had about an hour-and-a-half ride from the Salt Lake City Airport over to this place. And when I got about an hours-and a half with somebody, the most effective thing I could do to maybe get some movement out of that guy is pages 60 to 63 and a new understanding of selfishness and self-centeredness. You know, that's what we're going to talk about, where you're at with this stuff. So we'd talk about it all the way over from Salt Lake City to there. Now, this was a good crew of guys. What these guys did was every Friday afternoon they would get guys over to the house, they'd cook lunch, they'd feed them, and then knock the heck out of them with the big book. You know? I mean, it's a solid plan, you know? And so every Friday evening they'd gather up over there and they'd eat and they didn't talk about AA stuff. So we're sitting there, and I've known this guy's sponsor a long time. But Brian was the guy that gave us a ride from the airport over there. And so when we get over there, we're siting around just after lunch. We're not really having a meeting yet, but we're talking like guys do. And I'm listening, and he starts talking about all these ex-wives, you know. And he's saying, you Know, my first wife, oh, my God, she was nuts. I mean, my First Wife was crazy, you now, and this and that. He's telling that story. Now I'm going to speed it up a little bit. and my second wife oh my god you know and she was she just whack you know and he tells me the breakup was horrible and all that stuff this chick I just broke up with about four months ago oh my God it's like she's riding on the hood of the car holding on the windshield wipers and stuff like that and you know what I'm listening and when we talk about being in the entirely different angle business I'm listening and I go I'm listen to all these stories and I goes Brian do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions and he goes no no go ahead and I I go, how do you find yourself in a relationship with all these crazy women? And he goes, what do you mean? And I go well, I mean were they crazy when you met them? Or is it possible that the only. Now listen to this. This is heavy stuff. I said or is it impossible that the one thing that's going on. The only difference between the way they were when you meet them and the way they were, when you broke up with them was the effect of spending this amount time with somebody as selfish and self-centered as you are. And his sponsor sits behind him, and his sponsor goes, say that again. You know? And I said, well, I mean, because we don't, I like to think that my problems are coming at me, and I don't like to spend any time thinking about my relationship in a relationship. We start off over here at A, and A is the best dope there is. A is that infatuation period of a relationship, and that's where I love you and you love me and, you know, love songs make me think of you and food is better and the sky is bluer and the only thing we ever argue about is who loves each other more and,you know, have you ever been around that? And then over a period of time of selfish and thoughtless and inconsiderate behavior I move it from A over here to B and B I can do without, right? B is we're fighting all the time and you're coming at me all the same and it's just awful And so what I do is I jettison B, and I go out and find me another A. And a little while later, I wind up back over at B, and this is me in those marriages. And I don't spend any time thinking about what I did to move it from A to B. I just go out иnd get another A But when we start looking at what happened in here, now we're starting to see where my problems really are of my own making and that what if my outward conditions are a demonstration of my inner condition And so it becomes an inward job. And, I mean, it just blows open what we look at, you know. I mean because now I was talking to somebody during the break saying now my whole recovery vision is exploded because now it's not just drink, don't drink. There's this whole arena between there and the bedevilments are in here somewhere. But I'm just trying not to go back and live in those bedevils. I said, I'm looking at the way I show up and the way people experience me and what it's like to work for me. What's it like to be married to me? What's It Like To Be My Friend? What's IT Like To BE My Sister? That sort of thing. And all of a sudden we got a big picture to look at, you know, and we're seeing manifestations of self all over the place. I mean, one time I walk into the AA club. There's this AA club that I've been going to. It looks like a country club. It was a long story in Austin. But we had an AA club, the highway department wanted the land, And they gave us this piece of land, and 23 people in Austin signed a mortgage to build this building on this property. It's really awesome. But I walk in there one day, and they've got the A on the left and the Al-Anon on the right and the half measures room in the middle and a little card room inthe back. And I used to hang out at this club a lot, you know. And I walk into it one day. I'll never forget it. There's this guy, and I don't want to say what his name was, but I walk up to this guy. He goes, hey, Charlie, what's up? And I go, hey man, what happened? And he goes, oh, it's all good. He goes, you know what? We need to go back to Vegas sometime. And I go, yeah, yeah. And I turn around and I am flipping horrified because I am 15 years sober and I have zero memory of ever being in Vegas with this guy, you Know? And the way he's saying it, I can tell where he went to Vegas at some point. But I got nothing, You Know? And I got Nothing. And I mean, I turn Around. He's still back here. And I Turn Around and I could still see the room. I could tell you the color of everything in the room, the temperature of the room because I'm just going to go. But as I started searching my memory, I remembered that one time there was a trip where four of us went to Vegas and we gambled and we played golf and we went to shows and we did all this stuff. But the reason I didn't remember being in Vegas with this guy was because I wasn't in Vegas mit this guy. I was in Vegas wit me. Bob Bazantz talks about his sponsor one time and goes, Bob, you know those shadowy figures out there? And he goes, yeah. And he says, those are people. He's like, they have lives of their own and concerns and thoughts and worries. And you're like, what? Because that's the level of self-centeredness that I carry around at 15 years. You know, and so this is where I'm going with my sponsees all the time and manifestations of self and how it shows up. That boy Chris, the one that said he didn't have this level of selfishness that we talked about, one time at the Thursday night meeting, the Common Solution meeting at my house, we eat. We eat at 6, we meet at 645. And it's really, we've been doing it for, I don't know, over 13, 14 years probably. And it's just, it's really awesome. But one time one of the boys had driven through Louisiana and he brought back some andouille sausage with him. And so this night we're going to have andouilles sausage and red beans and rice. And I think we had some boudin sausage. And it was a big night at the house. And so we're sitting there. Now Chris is the guy I was telling you about from the playpen. Remember that one? You know, and so we were sitting in the kitchen. And when I say I love this guy, you're goingto see why. We've got an island in the kitchen that has the cooktop in it. And so I got all the andouille sausage in there steaming. And so when it's finally done, I take the lid off this big pot. And steam boils up like this. And as soon as the steam clears, Chris is standing there with his plate like this." And I looked at him, and I go, "'Chris, you don't get a whole—there are some sponsors. You become intuitive with your sponsors. There are some sponsories that I would never yell at, that you have to be gentle and kind with. Then there's some guys that you can't take your foot off their throat for a second, and that's the way Chris is. We're just pounding him, pounding him. And he loves it. But he's standing there with his plate, and I go, Chris, you don't get a whole link, dude. I go look in that pot. I go how many links of sausage do you see? They're about this long. I go How many links do you think you've got? How many lengths of sausage did you see in that pod? And he goes, nine. And I go, and how many men do you see in this kitchen? And he says, one. How do you not love that guy? You know what I mean? It's like, I want to just take a whole link, you know, for God's sake. You know, I mean, but it's just like when we start seeing that level of selfishness and self-centeredness all over it, it's like – Mark used to say, how free do you want to be? How free do we want to feel? How free would you want me to be if we keep looking at this stuff and going over it, and I love what Katie said about that we're on a fact-finding and a fact‑facing mission. And there's a lot of oomph in what she said about now that I really feel like, over on 64, it says we're at a fact–finding and fact‑facing mission. I used to think my job when I was listening to a guy's inventory was to sit there and listen to him read his fourth step to me. I've changed my thought on that now Because, well, I think my job is the fact-finding and his job is the fact facing. Because if I can't see self in myself, he can't see it in him either. So when I'm listening to it, I'm looking at it. I like to say I'm in the entirely different angle business. The whole time a guy's talking, I're thinking, what's an entirely different way of looking at this? How can I point out to him how selfish and self-centered and thoughtless and that sort of thing is? And that's where we're going in this work because it says, so So this fact-finding and fact-facing mission, I'm going to try to cover as much as I can of this real fast. But we did the three columns. There's a lot of instructions out there on writing inventory. But there's a piece on here on the bottom of page 66. Katie talked about it. I'm not going to talk about it again. It's what we call the sick man exercise because one time one of Katie's sponsors called and she was mad at somebody at work and she goes, you know, I've done the sick men prayer on him and we thought that was funny but we've been using it ever since. And so it says we turn back to the list. We've done the resentment inventory, and it says if we were to live, we had to be free of anger. So this part of the work is only for those of us that want to live. And it says the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. Here's a heavy one for you. One time at the group, I said, we looked up brainstorm. And in the 60s, Disney would get people together and they'd come up with ideas for movies and stuff. And they called it brainstorming. So for most of us, a brainstorm is like when that light bulb goes off over your head. It's like a bright idea, right? I looked up brainstorm in the 1936 Webster's Dictionary and it said a sudden and violent mental outburst. So they're talking about rage. You know, so it's saying, you know, rage and grouchiness are not for us. It says it might be the dubious or the doubtful luxury, but for us these things are poison. We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it, at what? At the list from an entirely different angle. And right there I've written, are you? When we talk about turning statements into questions, I'll ask my guys a lot of times when I go, are you willing to look AT this from an entire different angle? You know, they've just sit there and told me who they're mad at, what they did, how it affected them, and all that stuff, and I go, are you willing to look at this from an entirely different angle? And they'll go, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I am. So it goes, we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. And Katie's the one that pointed that to me. What dominates me? Oh, not much, really. Just the world and its People. Other than that, I'm cool. In that state, the wrongdoing of others, fancy or real, had the power to actually kill. how could we escape listen to this we saw that these resentments must be mastered but how we couldn't wish them away any more than alcohol so we're right back up against lack of power again it's that same thing i was talking about we're over and over in the book the book says here's the problem do you admit it's objectionable oh by the way you can't do a darn thing about it on your own power you got to go to god with it you got awareness go to God awareness go to god and so it says this was our course we realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick now it doesn't necessarily mean they're a lot sicker than i am but remember when i was talking about when you foul up i want i want justice and because i don't take your accents and run them through that funnel that we were talking about of my motives and and what i was trying to do that's what you're going to hear about when i screw up but when you screw up i I don't think of it like that. So it says we realize that this person, now what if this was just two people suffering from the human condition? It's like if you tell me you got tuberculosis, that's a bummer. And I know that's bad and I'm really sorry. But if you come up to me and say I got tuberculosis and I go I've got tuberculus too. I've had it for two years. Now we're having a different conversation. Does that make sense? Because now we've got two people relating from the same viewpoint. And it's the same thing here where it says, what if they were sick? It says, though we didn't like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like me, were sick too. Katie said it, but, you know, it doesn't say we pray for the person we resent. It's not a bad exercise. It's in one of the stories. But here it's saying ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, compassion, and patience that I would grant a sick friend. You know, and the best example, Mark Houston one time said, you Know, And he said the fourth column, hello, Ms. Parker. Hello, Donnie. Nice outfit. So one time I was doing it, we were talking about inventory and marketing. He said the forth column turns the second column into a lie. You know, I remember thinking, what does that even mean? You know? I saw the second volume happen. I know what it was. I know they did to me. And I didn't understand what he was talking about. But let me give you an example of it. This guy has told me it's okay to talk about this. But there was this guy I was doing inventory with. His name was Roy, and he's an old friend of mine. And column one, my dad. Okay, what did he do? Well, he says, when I was 12, I was sitting out on the front porch, and my dad comes up, and He gets out of the car, and he walks by me, and he says your mom killed herself today. And then he walks on into the house. Well, it would be real easy to think how thoughtless, how cold you have to be to be able to drop that on 12 years and you could get a lot of traction with that in a lot Of the rooms of AA that is not where we went with it because now I'm on a fact finding and a fact facing mission and there are times in this fact where I feel like a news reporter when I'm interviewing this guy are you willing to look at this from an entirely different angle and he goes yeah so I started asking questions and I go okay you were 12 did you have any brothers and sisters in your house And he says, yeah, I had a sister and a brother. And how old were they? Well, we were two years apart. And where did you fall on those three kids? He says, I was the youngest. And I said, were your parents still together at this point? And he said, yeah. And I say, where were you living? And he说, we Were in this little small town. And I Said, and how was the money situation? And he goes, well, I mean, we weren't over it, but I mean it was okay. My dad was a welder. I mean we were doing fine, you know, and that sort of thing. And I go, so let me think about this. I said, so you're 12. I'm guessing your dad's in his mid to late 30s. And he goes, yeah, that's probably about right. I said so now. He's married to a woman that has significant mental illness. And there's been a lot of drama in the family leading up to this point. And he says, oh, yeah. There's been all these things going on. A lot of trouble. And then on this day, she has killed herself. I said, now, did you ever consider that your dad is a guy in his late 30s and given the tools he's got and the background that he comes from and whatever amount of dealage he has, he's gotta leave work. He's gotta come home. He's gonna notify his whole family and her family that his wife has killed herself. He's got to notify all the people in this little town that his life has committed suicide. He's going to plan a funeral. and in his spare time he's got to figure out how he's going to make a living and raise three children as a single father, is it possible that when he walked by you that day the best he could possibly do was to say your mom killed herself that day? And my favorite thing to hear in the fourth column of an inventory is when they go, oh my God. he's like I never thought about my dad for a second I never gave one ounce of consideration to what he was going through all I thought about was me and me and how could he be so mean to me and for 40 years I've been waiting for my father to come apologize to me I used to borrow money from him and not pay him back because he had it coming I'd see his car in the parking lot, and I'd kick the door. I put sugar in his gas tank one time. I've been waiting 40 years for my father to come apologize to me. He says, I got to go find my dad tomorrow and apologize to him. And I watched a 40-year resentment go poof, just like that. When Mark's talking about the fourth column turns the second column into a lie, that's what I'm talking about. I can't even tell you how many times I go into this process with a resentment. I get some awareness, and I come out the other end with an amends to go make. We talk a lot about forgiveness. From my delusional state, I need to forgive a lot less than I think I do. More times than not, I needed to be going out and making amends because I'm not nearly as wronged as I think that I am. Can anybody relate to that? And when we look at it from an entirely different angle, I start seeing it. And now look at how that little exercise, when I do inventory with somebody, I have them put a little bitty column between the third column and the fourth column for a checkmark to say I've done the sick man exercise, I've said these prayers, we ask God to help us show them tolerance, compassion, patience, that I would grant somebody that was sick, right? And look what happens. that little exercise moves me spiritually into a place of being able to see where I was selfish and dishonest and resentful and afraid, right? So now I can see it because of that exercise. I'm going, oh, my God, I was so selfish. You know, there was a guy who was doing inventory out in California, and we did his dad. And it was amazing. He said, my dad was never there for me. And we get to talking, you know, and his dad was always there. you know I mean it's like his dad ran a grocery store but every night he'd come home and and I was like that's where we got that term black hole because I was like is it possible that every day he just came home from work and there was this little black hole of emotional need pouncing on him as soon as he came through the door I mean is it impossible he was just like going could I just have a second you know when he told the story his dad was at all his baseball games his dad traveled with him his dad took him you know he was like he was never there for me I'm like, he was always there, you know. I mean, but just not quite enough, you know. And so he's going, oh man, you know. And then we did his girlfriend and then we didn't. We did somebody else and every fourth column he's gone, oh my God, you know, I never looked at it like this. And after about three of them he goes, you know, Charlie, I'm really a pretty good guy, you know. You You know, people like me. And I'm like, oh, I ain't mad at you, buddy. But this is what we're trying to dig up in this fourth column because I come into this thing thinking I've been so horribly mistreated and in this process I start seeing how selfish and thoughtless and inconsiderate my... The reason we call it inconsiderant is because I never considered it. The reason it's thoughtless is because I never even thought about it. You know, part of living a life based on selfishness and self-centeredness is I have very little awareness of my effect on other people. We're going to talk about that in the amends process. But man, look at the work that's available in this. And my first resentment, I just read off who I was mad at, you know, and I didn't have any of this stuff that we work with. And I mean, you talk about freedom. Now check this out. Here's another story. Well, my sister, I used to like to say that my sister would give a woodpecker a headache after about 45 minutes. But, and I got to tell you, I hate laying that line down because that is a good line, you know. But really the truth is, is my sister's okay. And I'm just intolerant and impatient around my sister. You know, she bugs the heck out of me, but she doesn't bug the heck of everybody, you Know. Well, most people. But, Carol, if you hear this tape, I'm really sorry. Oh, my God. You can't believe how these CDs get around. My sister lives way out on the west coast in northern California. One time she was talking to this lady at work. We even don't understand how much these CDs get around sometimes. And one time, the woman at work tells her, I'm an AA. And my sister goes, my brother's an AA? She's like, really? And they start talking. My sister's telling me the story. And she goes, and as they're talking, and the woman goes, wait a minute. Are you telling me your brother is Charlie P. from Austin, Texas? And she says, yeah. And my sister's telling me this story. I am horrified because I was sure she was about to go. And then the lady goes, you're the one that would give a woodpecker a headache. You know what I mean? But she didn't say that. Yeah. But it has made me start looking at it differently. because when we go into this sick man exercise, it says, oh, we did like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us. They, like me, were sick too. You know what? Everything that she does, I do. She dominates conversations. She doesn't listen that great. It's rampant in our family. But the thing, one time I was doing inventory with a friend of ours and I did this thing on my sister and it says we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, compassion and patience that we would grant a sick friend and this person I was doing inventory goes talk to me about that word show and I said well I don't know and she said I see that word show as a call to action I said what do you mean and she says what we're saying is we ask god to help us demonstrate demonstrate was a big word with the Oxford movement and a demonstration is proving something out You know, proven it beyond a shadow of a doubt. So there's a big difference between what I realized is that I had been asking God, and say we're getting ready to have a family get-together, I was asking God to help me feel tolerance and compassion and patience when we get with these people. But as soon as I got, you know, bounced around a little bit and I don't feel tolerant, I feel frustrated all of a sudden, well, here comes, guess who's acting like a jackass at the family? It's the guy with 30 years of sobriety and God and the 12 steps in his life. One time, we're at my mother's house. I'm a big boy. My clothes are, I need big clothes. And it's a gentle process. And so when I wash my shirts, I put them in the dryer just enough to get them warmed up. And then I take them out and stretch them a little bit. Tip for the big boys in the room. If you put your hands on your knees and do it like that, you can really put a stretch on them. But one day I washed my clothes, and then while I'm taking a shower, my sister puts them in the dryer, right? That's her horrible offense, right. I don't know it, but when I come out, my shirts have been cooked down like a little, you know. And so her brother is a maniac. You know, I'm like, oh, for God's sake, who put my clothes in the dry, you Know. You know, this is the guy with the 12 steps and God in his life, you know. And because I'm just being as transparent as I know how to be. But what I realized was that I wasn't asking God to help me. We're asking God To help me demonstrate tolerance, compassion, and patience, whether I feel it or not. So now we're talking about living by spiritual principles, not driven by my feelings. Does that make sense? It's a much deeper level of this work. So now I actually go into that thing and go, God, please help me demonstrate compassion and patience and help me listen and that sort of thing. Because, oh my God, you know, I don't think I'm going to get past the resentments, honey. But it says we avoid retaliation or argument. And it means I don' t retaliate or argue with them because if I do, I destroy my chance of being helpful. If there's a guy at the meeting and I argue with him or retaliate about something terrible he said in the meeting, when he's in trouble, I'm not the guy he's going to come to to ask for help because I've screwed it up over here with the retaliation and argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot, listen to this promise, we cannot be helpful to all people but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Look at the power of that sick man exercise and I haven't seen it on one four-step guide out there anywhere. It's an amazing piece of the work and then we go to the fourth column we look, putting out their minds here, nowhere in here does it say our part. It says putting out of their minds we resolutely look for our own mistakes. Where had I been? Here's that fourth column. Selfish, dishonest self-seeking, frightened though a situation not been entirely my fault, I try to disregard the other person involved entirely The inventory was mine When we saw our faults, we listed them We placed them before us in black and white We admitted our wrongs And we are willing to set these matters straight. So that's the end of the reason. How long have I been going on? I think I can take it. Wow. Well, I think it's fun after lunch to tell some stories about how self shows up. But hopefully we're wrapping all that stuff around what we're trying to do here. I'm going to hand it over to Katie now to take up with the fear inventory. Katie Parker, alcoholic. We're rolling into the fear. and uh good job charlie uh you know it's funny because transparency is crucial where you choose to do it is important right you don't always want to go down to your you know open discussion meeting or home meeting and just lob out something so personal and then be shocked by the reactions you get you know there there's really a time and a place and one of the things that charlie and i believe strongly is that in here, we have to be transparent with you. We never want to put off that we are unteachable or that we know that we're better than. It's always a very kind of fine line there. You know, we are two people who could lose it. I don't have this thing screwed. Oh, I think I did. We are two People Who Could Lose It Anywhere. And we travel a lot. In airports, it can happen, okay? So, I mean, you could see one of us melting down. Charlie melted down at the Sprint store. I melted down at The Airport. And we aren't behaving well. And if you saw us, you'd be going, oh my God, were those the facilitators? Like, yeah, sure was. Sure was. You know? I am by no means well and perfect. One of the things about the inventory process that I like, I've always loved this statement, is I could be either person in this play. That is what the sick man prayer is. So anytime you're upset, this was our course. Now you get to stay as mad as you want to. You will get as blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit as you will. But trust me, this wasn't the case. This was our curse. The only recall is to go to that I could beat either person's play. I know when I'm really spiritually fit, when somebody makes me mad and I immediately see that I could have done the same thing had it been me on the other side. I could be the guy behind the cash register, I could by the customer. See, I could either person because I, remember we're hypocrites in everything and so that's kind of where you're, if you're looking at your spiritual barometer which I'd certainly hope you know where yours is, it could be pegged out to flat and then it could really be in a good spot. That doesn't mean you're not gonna make mistakes. matter of fact life is about making mistakes we grow when we make mistakes I love one time Cher said something on uh I can't remember what it was but it was back when infomercials were just a joke before you know movie stars started you know doing infomerciles and she did an infomercile and she said she learned more by the doing the infomerical than she ever learned by getting her academy award because see that academy award was the pinnacle it was the it was the top of the the wave but she learned more by the rub of life so so we try to act like we're low maintenance or we aren't really that personality and to me it's like that's kind of the gift in life you know we don't certainly want to live in the rub all the time but it is you know that is the touchstone of growth is pain. Otherwise, why would we need the creator? Okay, so now we're going to look at the fear inventory. This is on page 67, bottom of page 67 where it's the last paragraph. Notice the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown. Now I will tell you, I don't use fear strongly in the resentment inventory. That's just, I find that if we get off into fear, we miss how thoughtless and inconsiderate I can be. Does that kind of make sense? So I do fear completely different. So I'm not necessarily doing it in this fourth column because I don'T mind you saying I had fear here, but that's about all I'm willing to do. Let's take that into a fear inventory, just so you know. It says, Mrs. Jones, the employer and the wife, this short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. We have that 1935 dictionary at PPG, and Charlie just one day said, hey, what's shots say in the dictionary? Wait till you see the definition. It's woven, it's a type of material expression, woven with warped and weft thread, causing the fabric to take on a different appearance based on the viewpoint of the observer. I know, we had a Cheech and Chong moment. We all went, whoa. So what that saying is, you know, have you ever seen those outfits that are purple but if you turn they're blue based on the light. So this fear, right? It's this corroding thread. So if I'm looking at it that I'm afraid I'm not going to get the job, it shows it to me one way. Then I get the Job and I'm afraid I'm going to lose it. Now I see the fear a different way. So do you see that this is why fear is so damaging? I think I told most of you guys or if you've heard our CDs before, you know the story of when my husband passed away. Unfortunately, he went back out after his brain tumor that was benign, which was nothing short of just unbelievable experience. He was going to live. We were going to make it. But he was never going to be able to work another day in his life, all of this horrific stuff. It was very, very challenging for six years. He ended up going back out and then died of a heroin overdose. Yeah, in 2003, we were married 20 years. It Was Just Devastating. And I still, to this day, just get blown away when I look back at that past of my life. But, you know, I've grown from it and I really believe that Joe would be here had he met Mark Houston, but that didn't happen. I don't dwell in that area. It's just what it was. But I knew he was a very sick man and I had taken an insurance policy out on him because that's what we do. We grow up and become responsible. And I told him, I said, Joe, look, I don'T know where we're going, but you got to have some insurance, man. This doesn't look like he's going to live a long life. And we got a universal plan. They're really expensive. And it was a very nice plan. And sure enough, he died six weeks before the two-year mark of that plan being in play, which they always put that under probate or probe, whatever they call that word, and where they're going to examine it to be sure that you hadn't killed yourself or whatever. And so they put it in this. And I'm going, I told the guy, I said, what are you doing? And the insurance guy, and he goes, man, if he was killed in a car accident, we'd still do the same thing. So they take this and they start really digging it apart. And it looks like I'm not going to get this money. And I don't know about you guys, but if you've been in the darkness for a while, you start going, really? This too? Am I in the right room of people? Where you just sit back and you go, oh my God, it just can't get any worse. And it would. It was, and I'm in complete untreated alcoholism. So I am pissed. I'm the kind of girl who goes through life going, just try to pick on me. You know, I am really not doing well. And the guy goes, ma'am, it looks like he had gone to get some drug help and dah, dah, Dah. And I said, that is just not true. It didn't happen that way, and so long story short, I managed to get it. Now, I am, I have the four horsemen in bed with me. If you've ever been in that level of three o'clock in the morning, eyes ping wide open, you're sweating. You're just like, oh my God, I'm not doing well at all, and the next thing you know, I can't believe the guy said you're getting the check tomorrow. They send it certified mail. I go to pick it up, so I'm waking up all through the night for weeks looking like I'm not going to get this check. The minute I get the check, I know right where I'm sitting. I take the envelope. I cut it open like this. I don't even get the checkout. I just pull it back to see if it is the right amount and it is. And I go instantly into fear that I'm irresponsible with cash and I'm going to spend every penny of this. Do you see what I mean? The viewpoint of the observer. I never skipped a beat. I never went and, you know, thrilled to death that I got the check. It went boom, boom. And that's what fear will do. So that's why identifying fear is a part of the work, but it's about that much of the work because the fear is constantly changing. It's constantly moving. It is a corroding thread, evil and corroding threat. That's why you must watch for it. And when we get into how to do this fear inventory, I encourage you to write a fear inventory at least twice a week in your evening review. Start to really identify how gripped by fear you really are. It's pretty remarkable. Now listen to what it does. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve, but did we not ourselves set the ball rolling? Can you see the purpose for a 10th step? Remember the 10th step I did with Marty in the doctor's office? I mean, I was sitting there like this. Charlie's the one with possible throat cancer. I've got zero compassion. I am so pissed because I'm so driven by fear that he's not going to tell him the truth. He's going to get sick and let's not lose sight of this. I'm going to have to take care of him. oh, I'd love to say that I'm going to lose him. I'm gonna have to take care of him. That's how self-centered I am. Remember when Joe got diagnosed? I know a bunch of y'all have heard the CDs when he got diagnosed with the brain tumor and I was driving the school bus, you know, and I wasn't expecting to drive that school bus for 14 days. Turned out to be three years. And sorry about that. And when he Got diagnosed and that doctor came in and told us that he had a brain tumor, my first thought was that I'm going to be driving this damn school bus forever. See, I wouldn't act on that or say that, but it is the truth of where my self-centered mind goes. See, that's what we're watching for. Okay, so now flip the page and that is going to go, that alarm is going to go off here in a minute. I hit snooze. It says it should, I know, sorry about that. Sometimes we think fear ought to be classified with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. That's a very interesting one because what it's trying to tell me is that most of us on our deathbed wouldn't be afraid of what we did. We'd be afraid of what you did. What we never did. Fear robs you of doing so much. It robs you of getting out of a really sick relationship. It robs you of leaving a really sick job. It robes you of ever getting in a good relationship. It roBS you of being at a really great job. Following your career, following your dreams is what God wants you to do. I've been talking to people about this. By the time we get to the 11th step, it's going to be writing this chapter of your life that is awesome. I mean, really, you and God in this intimate personal relationship that you're going to sit there with pen and paper writing this love letter to God that's just like amazing life that you have. People want to feel it before they have it. That will never happen. In early sobriety, Joe said to me, my husband that passed, he had six years. Remember I had 10 minutes and I chased him into AA and I'd sit at his feet while he'd read me the big book. And it was really a fabulous, fabulous relationship. But I am a slob. I am, if you've noticed, I mean, my whole area over here is just, I'm just messy, messy, messy. I take clothes off. I leave them right where I took them off. Charlie is immaculate. You know, I am messy. Thank God he does not put that in my face. He just said, oh, God dang, here she goes again. A little, you know, what's the little thing on the roadrunner? the Tasmanian devil through the house. Right? Messing up everything. And Joe would look at me and go, honey, are you waiting to want to clean the house? And I thought, I was early sobriety. You know, some of those one-liners stick with you forever. And I go, yeah, yeah I am. And he goes, well, you know, it doesn't really work that way. You got to cleanthe house and then you feel good. And I thought, well, now that's interesting. And I swear, I have applied that to so many things in life. You know, going to the gym. Most people expect, you know, think that, you know, an athlete would want to go to the gym all the time. I don't want to do that. I don' t want to get up and go to the gym at 6 a.m. I'm assuming, Dave, you really weren't looking at getting up at 6a.m., you know? But we go do it anyway because that's what we do. And so this is what we're talking about, this ability and need to be changed. The fear should, it should be classed with stealing because it robs you. If you want to look different, then ask God for help and do it. God can move mountains, but you got to bring the shovel, okay? Don't think that God's going to do it all. He's got to have your participation. He doesn't need your permission. This is all important stuff. Okay, so now when it says, when we reviewed our fears thoroughly, we put them on paper. Even though we had no resentment in connection with them, we asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-management, self-will, call it whatever you want. That's what it's talking about. Self-reiliance was good as far as it went. Very important line. See, my self-reliance will convince me that this can happen. But it doesn't go far enough. It does not take care of the fear problem. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't really fully solve the fear problem or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. Perhaps there's a better way we think so, for we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than finite self. We're in the world to play the role he assigns, just to the extent that we do so as he thinks. He would have us and humbly rely on him. He enables us to match calamity with serenity. Now this inventory, and like I said, you can, we've been taking pictures of it, which is a really good idea to put on your phone. This particular inventory, I look at it as a four-column inventory. This is all new for the way I used to do fear, but this 20. Okay. Snooze. Oh, I did the same thing again, didn't I? Damn it. Darn it. I swear technology. My kids just go, oh mom, mom, you're killing me. You're killing me or this. Oh okay. So that I do now a four column fear inventory. Column one is the fear and why I have it, right? Because that's what it's asking me. Column two is the truth. In this column is your reality instead of your perception about it. Seeking the truth, we reviewed our fears thoroughly and put them on paper. This is straight out of the book. The third column is our self-will. This isthe column that's going to blow you away. When you put pen to paper, be prepared for God to speak straight through you, straight through you through that pen. There's so much to be said about spirituality. I swear, so many people are about these apps and typing, and it is pen to paper. Darn it. I don't care how simple technology makes it, it is pin to flipping paper. I'm assuming somebody over here is not doing it that way. Okay? Okay, there you are. And let me tell you, my sponsor is a court reporter and, you know, high criminal court. And she says, Katie, there are, it's proven that when you type, you type as fast as you think. But when you write, you got to slow it all down. There's a real reason for it. And there's a new 10 and 11 app out there. Hey man, if it gets you to start doing it, fine. But that 11th step was never designed to be sent to people. That's something that everybody's doing. You're missing a huge piece of spiritual work, that 11 steps between you and God, period. It says, is there something I've left out that I should have shared with somebody else? That you can take out and share, but not the whole darn thing. We miss trying to make a relationship with the creator. We want it to be human age so bad. I get it. I want skin and bone. I want somebody to go, no, Katie, you shouldn't do that. Don't dothat. But you don't get that. This is intuitive. And so then this self-will column is going to blow you away. Didn't we have the fear because self-reliance failed us? In this column, list the ways you show up in order to avoid the fear or prevent the fear from coming true in your life. Wait till you see that that self-reliance makes the fear come true. Your biggest fear happens. Why? Because you made it happen. You went into self-reliance instead of God reliance. God, 99% of the time tells you to do nothing. Damn it. We don't do that well. Say somebody just really upset you, do nothing. Don't go gossip. Don't do nothing, you know? You get to tell your sponsor, that's it. And my deal on 10 steps, and Amy will love this one, because if you call me and getting Cody to, if you call me with a 10-step and you lay out what happened, you are to do nothing till you hear back from me. I know. That's almost like when the streetlights go out, you better get home. That's that same thing. As you know, you go, oh my God, she still hasn't called. It's been seven hours. And it's like, do nothing. And it is amazing how it works out. And I don't have an amends to make. I don' t have to go clean up my mess. Nothing. And then God's will, the fourth column, we think there's a better way. Trusting and relying upon God. Taking actions that are in line with God's Will instead of our own. In this column, list the ways you think God would have you do and experience instead of how you typically show up. In other words, what's basically the opposite of your knee-jerk reaction? And I'm telling you, this fear inventory has changed my perspective. I actually even did it with my daughter. She's not one of us. She's an Al-Anon, if anything. And she is just a worry war, you know, dots the I's, crosses the T's, doesn't color outside the line, drives the speed limit, you know. And that came from my loin. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh my God, how did that happen? But she is amazing and she's scared to death of everything. And I said, honey, would you do this and let me go over it with you? And she said, sure, Mom. It was amazing. She's like, I'm starting to write that fear inventory a ton. I think it's a great 11 step too, okay? So now we've seen the fear. Now let's go to sex so we can get the heck out of this chapter. Now the sex is, now listen to what it says about the sex inventory. It's pretty flipping remarkable. Okay, so page 69, now it's talking about sex. It says, oh well, bottom of page 68, now about sex. Many of us need an overhauling here. Now overhaul means to examine thoroughly. And let me tell you what, we are screwed up people in the sex arena, okay? I swear if you went into say the PTA or the junior league or something like that, you'd say how many of y'all are married? Three-fourths of the room raised their hand. Not in our crowd. It's about 12. And it's really interesting, and then we want to give great advice on staying married when we can't personally do it ourselves. It says, but above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off track here. We find human opinions running to extremes, right? Complete wild insects or none at all, right, one extreme to another, And it's very, very controversial. Now, come over here and it says that midway down on page 69, it says about nine lines down, we want to stay out of the controversy. We don't want to be the arbiter of anybody's sex conduct. Now let me tell you, that gets very muddy. What it's trying to say is if you come to me and you're having serious sexual problems, meaning you can't date, you know, remember this, this means sex means relationship. It doesn't always mean the act of sex. Are you with me on that? It's relationship problems. So if you're having continual same relationship problems, I'm going to start getting involved in your sex life. I'm gonna start giving you limitations. I had one girl that was a extremely attractive, uh, 48, 51 year old, right? In those four years, very attractive woman. Personally, that's a tough window to be single in. You know, it's hard to meet people. Everybody's got a ton of baggage. And since she was attractive, she could get active quickly. And you're following me. And I told her, I said, surely that's got to be hard on your self-worth, you know, just laying it out like that. you know, when you're in the clubs and you're drinking and it's kind of a game. But when you're sober and trying to walk a spiritual path, it's kinda awkward. So I told her, I said, what would happen if you, you know put, you keep putting the cart before the horse. I said what would happen If you would date these people for a little while and let's say wait 30 days for you roll in the hay. And I swear she was like, what? I go, yeah, 30 days. Let's try it. We started with like a week and then two weeks and then we, you know, got it out there. And then before you know it, oh my God, she was waiting 90 days. 90 days, that's a big deal. And she said, my God I don't even want to kiss him anymore. She goes, I'm done. And he said, I don' t want to. She said the breakups like that because you haven't gotten intimate. You see, we put the cart before the horse. And once we do that, when we break up, we just want to, you know, it's like, it's just so emotional. It's like what you gave one of the greatest gifts God's given us is our sex powers. And you used it so selfishly. Now don't lose sight of, you don't have the power to say no either. Lack of power is our dilemma on everything. If you spend money, you know, like it's water. You're not going to just stop tomorrow because Katie said so. If you want to become a responsible individual with money and sex, you better take these into your evening review. Watch throughout the day in your 10th step. Morning prayer and meditation. Stay heightenly aware of these and mean business. It's a six-step issue, but we're doing it in the 10th step. So that if you really want to change who you are, it's not going to happen in a week. This is intense work, constantly willing to narrow your life down to 24 hours because that's all you got. You don't go past that. It's all you got and I'm telling you it is amazing what happens. So I will get involved in the sexual arena. Now I'll tell you there's only a, when I sponsor somebody I have two, I'm just going blank on the word, two limitations that I'm willing to do. If you're active in both camps, you've got to pick a camp because I can't do that. I can'T be you're in this camp and then the next thing you know you're In this camp, and you'reIn this camp and then you'rein this camp. You will wear me out, okay? So I tell you, and if you don't like that, then you don' t have to have me sponsor you. That's totally fine, but you've Got to pick A camp. and especially with this younger generation. They're in every camp. Oh my God, what Kool-Aid did you guys drink? Dude, geez Louise. I mean, my generation danced with women. That was our big deal is we didn't wait for you boys. We danced with our girlfriends, you know, but the thought of making out with her on the dance floor, I don't get it. So we got that problem and then the other one is a third person in your marriage. If you're married and you're going to bring, even if you're saying, I mean, dating, if you are going to bring a third party in there, I'm not playing in that camp either. You know, I don't even know how to wrap my brain around it. I want to reach through the phone and slap you, okay? And I am like, you're gonna try to make sense out of that? Whatever. So those are my two that I can't play in that arena. And trust me, if you're not sponsoring, a lot of people, I know you're probably thinking that just can't be. Well, get out there on the firing lines. There is some crazy sexual stuff happening. So back to the arbitrator, right? It says we don't want to be the arbitrator of anybody's sex conduct. So I kind of gave you the understanding of that. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? Now here it is. We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Now, remember, the inventory is not about everybody you slept with. If you had consensual sex with somebody, you don't need to go back and basically say, hey, I found Jesus and I'm really sorry that I had sex with you then. You know, we're not looking for that. We're consensually, two adults having consensional sex, there was no harm done. Now, if that individual's married, well, there was harm done, but let me tell you, don't go running out there making an amends for that either. That's a really dicey area to go in. And I don't have time to go deeper into that, but you need to have verified that amends deeply. And I also encourage you, if you're in a relationship where you've broken up, say you were with somebody for two years and you broke up, I encourage you not to go back and make that amens either because you'll end up in the hay every time, every time. Every time. Every time, did I say that? I have yet to have one person walk away from that amends and not have slept with them that night. It was just so emotional. There you go, and then there's that, and so I encourage you to wait at least a year, and if anything, you send them a letter, right? This is not, you know, this, now that we're electronically connected, I don't think it's an email, right, a real letter, Okay, so now it says, where had we been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate? Now, let me tell you. You can see how this can become a conduct inventory, can't you? That you can see that this is a good conduct about how have you shown up as a neighbor? Have you been selfish dishonest or inconsiderant? The same thing applies guys. So you can remove that word sex and look at relationships with others. But we're focusing on sex. Those are not just yes or no questions. Where were you selfish? Where were your dishonest? Where were inconsiderate? If you're doing any inventory form that's just a checkmark, oh, you're cutting yourself so short. Whom had we hurt? Now remember, in relationships, sometimes you hurt the children of the other person. Sometimes I've seen sponsees before, and this is a tough one. They get so involved in that particular person's family, get involved with the mother, get involved mit the children, and they just hurt everybody. And I even had one girl in the inventory, she goes, I really don't even like him. And I'm like, okay, so let me get this straight. You don't like the guy that you're dating, but you love his family. Gosh, what's gonna go wrong here? Do you see that, you know, and I tell you, it was really, challenging to come to that. It says, did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness? Now let me tell you, if you're in a marriage or a relationship right now, the toughest thing in the world is our electronic devices. And let me tell you there's tremendous harm going on out there with pornography and everything. And I, I, Charlie can touch that more than I can, but it's really deeply unfortunate. So, and the harm you're doing to others if that's something that you just, you know, comfortably feel, it's okay, I'm not hurting anybody. Yeah, you are. You're hurting a lot of people. So, if you, your phone rings and your significant other is cautiously aware of your little bit dark side, and you do this. That right there can do it. You know what I mean? I walk in the room, and, you know, if Charlie's looking at his phone, all of a sudden he goes, yeah. You know What I mean. So we have to watch small moves like that. You don't have to go, hey, I just want you to know who I'm talking to and what's going on. You know WHAT I mean, but it's just not necessary. It's really important. We are a group of people who are not strongly trustworthy, you know what I mean? I mean, I'd love to say we are, but we're not, and we can use our sex powers just... You know, I used to say that we'll... Especially a woman, oh my God, the way she can use her sex powers. It is like, okay, I am a single woman. There is a guy at my home group. He has got a pickup truck. I really don't like the guy very much, but I'll go ahead and flirt a little bit with him just long enough to use his pickup truck so that we can move my stuff, and then I'll drop him into Greece. Okay? Nobody's getting laid here, but that's what we're doing. And now he has not got a clue because as Charlie likes to say, he's in the ether. You know, he's like... We women are just terrible, just terrible. But we use those powers because we know how to use them. You know, we are not lily white when we come in here. Where were we at fault? Once again, we're listing this stuff so we can really examine it. What should we have done instead? Remember, that answer to that question is not, I shouldn't have ever dated him. That is not what we're looking at. What should мы have done instеdе? I'd like to believe that I'm going to spiritually be in a different place in life. I'm going to ask that God give me the power to have integrity and dignity and respect when I go into my next relationship. I always tell people, I got a couple of my girls, I finally got them on match.com. I'm like, God almighty, date. For God's sakes, you're not even dating. You know, you go on match .com, at least it's going to give you some experience. And then they call me and one of them said, oh my God, this guy was so sexual right out of the gate at the coffee shop, right? And I told her at that point, I'd have looked at him and said, oh dude, goodbye. That's what I would say. I'm not going to sit there and listen to that. You know, and she is learning how to say, she's the ego turned inward. She's learning how to speak up now. And then my personality has to learn how to be quiet. I have a very loud quiet. I'll show you. I mean, you know, the room gets an uncomfortable feel, you know? So then it says, it's going to ask me to do a sane and sound ideal, right? This sane and sounds ideal is not for Mr. Perfect. This sane sound ideal is how I'm going to show up in the relationship. The person I want to be, everyone in this room wants to have integrity, dignity, honor, and respect. These are four fabulous qualities to have in an individual. And when you have it, your eyes are brighter. You can look the world in the eyes. You know, there is, like I said about the pornography, there's so much pornography out there. And I'm telling you, we act like it's no big deal. It's a very big deal, I can be involved, I can stand in there with a man that's been watching too much porn and I can tell. They can't even be in a conversation. They are so riddled with visual. And I was at the gym one day and I saw somebody I hadn't seen in a long time, this chick, and I ran over there to her and I'm like, oh my God, Michelle, it's been so long. You know how girls are, they're hee-hee-hee. And this guy comes up and he goes, oh, my God. For a minute there, I thought you were going to make out. And I looked at him and I said, buddy, you're watching too much porn, okay? And I swear to God, he was like, you're the one who started it, not me. So, you know what I mean? But it's really, it's hard to get. We are, and I tell people, be very careful of, you Know, binge watching television. Before you know it, it is garbage in, garbage out. You know, I love Bill Burr, the comedian. Love him. Well, before you know and he's from the Boston area. Oh my God, this guy just, I just think he's so darn funny. The next thing you know, I sound like him. I mean, I'm doing verbiage of his. And I had, I just realized I had to quit watching him because that's what we do. Charlie was watching Breaking Bad. And oh my God. Like for about the ninth time. And everywhere we'd walk in, he goes, you know I could do a meth lab here, Kate. Perfect place for a meth lab. I'm like, oh my God. But you know, you just have to be very careful. Very, very careful watch yourself. Just try not to binge watch something. Just one episode. Turn it off. Wait a whole week. Like we used to. Shocking. There's a lot to be said about that experience. So this sane and sound is based on my selfish behavior, how I could become a better person through God's help. Now here is the best line in the sex inventory. And remember, we're not talking the physical act of sex. Don't lose sight of that word. If sex is troublesome, having too much or not having enough, let's not forget that. Throw yourself harder into working with others. That works when everything else fails. And I am not kidding you, everything else fails. When, if you're in a breakup, I mean, throw yourself into working with others. Go to a newcomer meeting. People say, well, I don't have any sponsees. Well, what the heck? How do you not have sponsee's? Go to a treatment center, go to a new comer meeting. You know, walk up to a newcomer and look at him and go, hey, listen, how long are you sober? Four days. Wow, congratulations. You got anybody taking you through the steps? No, I go, I will. Okay? So come on over here. Yeah, you're not waiting for them to find someone that they like. Most people are just walking. They go, okay. Sit them down right then. I love when I hear somebody in a meeting really resentful and you can tell, you can find people in meetings that are not laughing when everybody else is laughing. Look around for that guy or if they're just angry as can be in a meet-up. And after the meeting's over, I'd go, hey man, have you got a few minutes? Sure. I take them outside, sit down with them and I do an inventory right then and there. We don't have to write it down. I go, so tell me what's going on. They tell me I got column two. Let's look at how that affects your self-esteem, your ambitions, your pride. And then before you know it, man, we've gotten them all the way through the inventory process, took about 20 minutes and they're like, oh my God, I didn't haveと get permission from their sponsor. You know, people say I don't sponsor them. This is what we are supposed to be helping others, period. This is my responsibility to help you. I'd hope somebody would do that for me. And I think too, I only have about two more minutes and then we're going to take a break. One of the things that I think most people don't think that they are qualified to sponsor, have you had a spiritual awakening? If the answer is yes, go to it and run. It all passed your sponsor. This is what they said. I said this, and then they did this, and then my sponsees all call me and go, Kate, I got this position. I'm not quite sure how to handle it. This is What I Said. I go, you know, that's good. You could also enhance it by using this or that. I'm just giving you suggestions. I call Lorenz. I call my sponsor. Every time I have a hiccup that I'mnot 100% sure of what I should do, especially in the amends process. Oh my God, don't just assume you know what to do. That one is so important that you verify. Verify, verify, verify. I'll take an amend sometimes and run it past two people. You know, what do you think they should do in this situation? And when we're making an amends in the sex arena, and I'll end on this one, I believe, and this is strictly my opinion based on experience, but my opinion. If you have had infidelity in your relationship and the other person does not know about it, they may think they have some information, but they don't know unless they caught you butt naked. Deny it. I'm telling you. I've done extensive research on this. And not in my relationship. upon it. But, and you can ask women, and I am a woman, we will pelt you and break you down until you tell us, and then you will pay for the rest of your life. Unless you're an Al-Anon, and dann you seem to forgive. Alcoholic women don't do so much. and the truth of the matter is that's strongly my belief and you can do with it whatever you want but I'm a huge fan of believing that and I've seen it go my way much better than I've see it go the other way and we'll take a break guys, thanks