Steps 3 and 4 – Sponsorship and 12 Step Workshop – Part 2 of 7 – 2011 – Audrey C.

Alright. I love listening to somebody talk about the third step, because I guarantee you as a sponsor that's the place that you'll be driving them back to over and over and over. Did you make that commitment or did you not? Because it's real easy to say that. I'm willing to go to any lengths. I mean how many times do you hear people say that? My response is we'll see. We'll see what you're willing to do. We're all used to making those promises and making those validations and what's bad about us is we're going to tell everybody I'm about to do this. I'm about to, I never ever listened to what comes out of an alcoholic's mouth. I'm only watching their feet because that's what will tell you what they're willing to do and what they are not. And so like Michael talked about, we make this decision, we make this commitment, right? To see what God will do. And then I immediately, if you're wondering, when do I do a four step immediately what it says is next. Next, we launched out on a course of vigorous action. How did you drink? Did you sit back and think if I make it to the liquor store, I make it. If I don't, I don's no biggie. No. As soon as the thought entered my mind, next I'm in the truck. Next I'm at the liquor. Right. That's what that looks like. Next I launched out On a Course of Vigorous Action. Not I'll get to it when I get to it. Vigorous means just that, vigorous. And this is how I do this. I do it the same way I drink. It kind of denotes a sense of urgency. The first step of which is a personal house cleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Why would you attempt that? If I can pin it on Michael, I'm going to pin it on Michael and we're going to be done and call it a day. But now we're about to look at me, a personal House Cleaning. It's about to get real interesting because I think I'm taking everybody else's inventory and then we're gonna slide down to the fourth column and see something different. It says, though our decision, meaning that third step was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. So while that third-step commitment is life-giving, vital and critical, it says I can't have a permanent effect because earlier on it talked about an effect that I can get from that third set. But what it's saying is it can't be permanent unless I continue on with the work, right? And this is the point in which people like to talk about a pink cloud and you feel all this good stuff and eventually it goes away. And, you know, gosh, I got an effect from that third step when I took it with sincerity that hasn't left because I continue the work. And so that is a possibility. It is a possibly. And the book even tells me that if at once followed by, um, and we're looking for what had been blocking us. From what? From that power, right? Michael talked about this. How many times have you made a decision like that third step only to drink again? How many times have you gotten on your knees and begged and meant it only to drank again? What was the problem? Didn't you mean it back then? Absolutely you did. But why weren't you able to pull it off because there's something blocking me from the power that makes it so. Does that make sense? Right. There's a lot of times I got on my knees and said, please, but I couldn't stop drinking because I might've had a belief in God, but what I did not have was connectivity to the power. So the fourth step is going to enable me to see what is it that's been blocking me from that power. If you're wondering why you're about to write inventory, that's why I've got to see what's been in my path because in that third step, I'm asking him to remove what's in my path. Let's take a look at what it is getting down to causes and conditions. So it talks about in the next paragraph, this was step four. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. Oh my God. Are we about to get down to the facts? Because I've been talking some drama and some nonsense my whole life. I have zero capability to see what the facts are. Get connected with a sponsor that'll show you how to find the facts. It gets real interesting because I think say things like, well, this is how I feel. This is what I think. This is what I think she thinks that he said. What part of that is the facts? I don't know. I don't now. And so that's where sponsorship gets real key to it. Let's cut out all the fluff and all the nonsense and get down to brass tacks. And I love that on 65, that's how Bill writes inventory very concise, very to the point because I can tell a story and I'll exaggerate it 10 times out of 10 to make it better. I'll add stuff and I'm so delusional I cannot see the truth. So this is why it's so important. Fact-finding, searching, right? Fact-facing is the fearless part of this stuff. And Michael actually was the one that taught me this. It says it's an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. So when it talks about a moral inventory, it's not about moral versus immoral. It's not About Good and Bad. It's About the Truth. I've lived my whole life based on a lot of delusion. Now I'm about to find out what the truth is. All right, so it says one object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values. I don't know what's what. I'm selling myself a lot of ideas, and this is why it's important to see what's on the shelf. What am I really working with? Because my thought is I'm a giver, and I'm precious, and i'm here to serve. Now the truth is I'm manipulative and deceitful And I will come in very precious And I'll catch you off sides and mess you up That's the truth about it But I couldn't see that Because when I came in the doors And they said selfishness and self-centeredness Is the root of your problem And your alcoholic ego will kill you I thought certainly not me I'm not loud I'm no obnoxious I'm bossy I'm in your face But I think my ideas are best That's my ego It doesn't matter if you come in full force running over people or if you come in quietly off sides to catch them, you're still trying to get your way. And that's what inventory is about to show us where that ego is really manifesting. Where's it really showing up? Um, because it can, it can show up a lot of different ways and it even goes on to talk about being convinced. They sure are asking us to be convinced of a lot things. Dang, that self manifested in various ways is what had defeated us. We've considered its common manifestation. So I'm about to see my life is a life driven by fear, selfishness, dishonesty, inconsideration of others. And this is what they mean by self-manifested, how it shows up on me. Because I got to tell you, how It Shows Up On You is maybe not how It Showed Up On Me, but it is all driven at the root of the same thing. And that's why it's easy to see other people's inventory and see where it is that they're coming from and what's driving them because there is that fear that at some point, oh my God, at some point I'm going to sponsor. And at some point I am going to be hearing inventory and what if I can't see? It gets real easy. I promise you. We'll take Bill's inventory in a minute and you will see how easy it is to look at this stuff. It says resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. I could have sworn alcohol was the number 1 offender, I thought it destroyed more alcohols than anything but they are saying it's resentment. It's resentment, why? Because that resentment that I harbor and I nurture and I nurse cuts me off from the power that's going to save me. And I do this to myself. It talks about from its stem all forms of spiritual disease for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we've been spiritually sick. When dealing, excuse me, when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physical. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. Now it's going to give us precise directions for what do you do with this stuff? And some of you are going to write inventory on notebook paper and just take the logistics from the book and write it out on notebook papers. Some of you will be handed forms from a sponsor that you'll be filling in. Some will have checklists. I got to tell you, I'm less concerned with the format as long as it matches up with this book. I'm less concerned about the format than I am with the attitude you bring into inventory. Are you willing to be honest? Are you will to get it all in? Are you wiling to seek spiritual truth? That's the point. I've seen lots of different formats. I like to just use the book, but that's me. So it says we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. I always find it interesting when people I sponsor say, I don't know that I'm really that upset with a lot of people. I don' t really know there's a lot things going on within me I feel conflicted about. And I'm like, oh, honey, what are you sitting on the barstool yapping about? The people that have done you wrong in your eyes. The people que make you feel mmm when they walk into a room. The institutions that you're not happy about. The principles that are in play in this world that you disagree with, that have caused you conflict. All of a sudden it gets real simple. It's all the things that I'm drinking alone thinking about. You put pen to paper, I promise you it will pour out. it will pour out if you're confused about what to do ask ask i made that i made that mistake early on in sobriety being too arrogant to ask the question because i was embarrassed and didn't want you to know that i didn't understand do yourself a favor and don't do that just ask just ask so i'm going to list these people institutions and principles so then i'm gonna ask myself why i'm angry so i am going to go column to column first column all the way down the people that are grinding me start with now Work your way back. If you try to start from the third grade and remember stuff, it just is daunting. Start with now. You know who those people are. You know where those institutions are, the church, the police department. If you're like me, I'll cover a whole basis. Might have been one person that didn't act right in the group, but I'm going to put the whole group on there. Institutions, principles, women should be seen and not heard. What are the principles that bug you? That we don't have gay marriage rights in Texas. Does that bother you? Does that principle bother you put it down, put it down. Don't be afraid to write. Don't Be Afraid To Write Something Down Based On What Somebody Else Is Seeing Think About It You're Sitting Down With Another What Alcoholic Let's Don't Be Concerned With What They Think Let's Be Honest How Many Times Does It Use The Word Honesty In The First Paragraph On Page 58 When I Talked About Rarely Seeing A Person Fail Who Did The Work Three Times I've Got To Get Honest If You cannot be honest with you and a piece of paper. You are in for a world of trouble. You just are. I've got to get this stuff out, okay? So I'm going to ask myself, why am I angry? Column two, the cause. What is it that you, what part of me did you threaten so that I'm unhappy? I'm gonna move straight over to column three because I'm gong to get real bulleted just like he did on the cause and I'm telling you there's some resentments that some of could write books on pages on it's not necessary get to the point look at how he did it on 65 mr brown why is he upset his attention to my wife i think he could have gone into detail about that given some for instances some details yeah not important this is why i'm upset so i'm going to ask myself that i'm gonna slide over to the third column it affects my what what part of my instincts did you threaten so that i am unhappy because if you don't threaten one of my god-given instincts Chances are I don't even notice you. But when you begin to conflict with those, all of a sudden I'm resentful at you. See how that works? So it says my pocketbook, my ambition, personal relationships, including sex, were hurt or threatened. Then it's going to go on to talk about how to list those. Does that sound complicated? I don'T know. Sitting in those meetings when you mention that you're doing a four-step, people sure do act like it's the end of the world. oh my god you're on your fourth step bless your heart sweetie i don't know it's column listing getting that stuff out of here up off of me onto this paper and why because it's the number one offender think about that how many times did you spend hours days months years thinking about those instances those conversations those situations that happened up how how long did you nurture that stuff. What is a resentment? I mean, what does that really mean? I didn't know what that word meant initially when I got here. I thought it meant just crazy, angry with rage. Resentment. It means that anytime I think about that certain situation or conversation, I begin to rethink all of it, re-feel all of IT and get upset all over again. If you're not sure whether or not you have a resentment against somebody, think about this. If you're having dinner and this person walks into the restaurant and sits down at the table next to you, are you comfortable or are you not? That's an easy way to think about it. Is there something conflicting there or is it not? I don't know. I got to get it all on paper. So I'm going to list it in this three column form, right? In thinking about it, replaying it, refueling it. It talks about fancied or real. It's kind of like some of you guys may be sports fans, I don't know, but when you watch a replay, the first time you see the quarterback get sacked, you're like, that was kind of a hard hit back there. It's kinda rough. Then what happens? They're gonna stop, they're gonna rewind, replay it, slow it down. Look at all the intricate details that happened and now you're thinking, that was kind of out of line. That was a bit much. Then what are they going to do? They're going to get some commentary like your mind does. Slow it back down. Replay it again. Add more. Now by the time you've watched it a third or fourth time, you're like, that is not okay. That is wrong. You've got a strong opinion about it. How many times do you do that with your own resentment? I replay a conversation and the more I replay it, the more i come off looking like a victim, and you come off looking like a jerk. And I'm adding she was probably thinking this when she said that. I don't know that. I don' t know that. That's fancied. I don''t know what you think. I think I do. And I sure will make some decisions based on it. Anybody else? Life driven by fear. Fancied or real? Fancy is like this. I have really bad vision. I can''t see. So a lot of times I''m squinting. So when I look over and I squint at the clock to see how much time, Joe's looking at me going, why is she glaring at me? Why is she giving me that look? Now he's upset. I knew she didn't like me when she came in. She was kind of funny. She acted kind of funnily. He's going to lean over to Tom. What's her problem? Now he has got Tom going, I don't know. Tom is going to start replaying all the conversations he has had with me in the past three months. I think something is going on with her. I think she's got something out for you and me. What's up with that? Now, the truth is I can't see, and I'm squinting to try to see the clock. The delusion is that that has anything to do with Joe or Tom. See how that works? But I've got a lot of resentments in my life based on what I think happened that didn't even happen, okay? But I'm going to put them down anyway because I've gotta see the delusion because it drives me just as fast as the facts will, okay. All right. So we've got these first three columns. Flip over to 66. It talks about thoroughness and honesty. Thoroughness not meaning every detail of everything that happened. Thoroughess meaning the facts, the truth. Did you get it all out or are you hanging on to something? And guys, you know if you're hanging on. You do. You'll forget a lot of stuff, but you know if you've got something that you're harboring. that says, oh excuse me, the first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. That was always apparent to me right off the bat. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. Well yeah because if I can stop right there and feel confident about it being your fault, I'm good to go. Then I get to be the what? Martyr, the victim all over again and the problem with that is victims don't get sober. Sure don't stay sober, Just don't. I've got to get free of it because what the literature talked about and Michael talked about was my problems are in my own making. If that's the truth, I can get free. My problems are of your making, I'm in a lot of trouble because you will never change. But if I can see, that's why it's important the attitude you bring into it because if you're willing to see the truth and you're willingness to accept responsibility, you can get freed. If you insist on it being their fault and you being right, you're getting loaded, hands down or even worse you don't get loaded and you just stay miserable have you seen those people oh god we're not going to get into that anyway it says the usual outcome is that people continue to wrong us and we stayed sore skip down it's a plane that it is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness think what's your experience up into this point of doing inventory has it not been futile and unhappy absolutely no matter what's your circumstance to the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours it might have been worthwhile how much time have you spent alone in your thoughts nurturing all this nonsense and sickness and then behaving accordingly am i the only person here who was entitled and felt justified to treat people how they wanted to based on what i thought happened in the past which may or may not have happened but with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely grave why because it shuts me off from the sunlight of the spirit and then what happens the only voice i hear is my own and my own voice in my own head sounds like this you're right and everybody else is wrong anybody else i mean how many times do you hear that in sobriety somebody asks you do you want to be right or do you want to be free? Oh, before I live this life, I want to be right all the time and free. It doesn't work that way. How free do you wanna be? So as when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink and with us to drink is to die. See the importance of writing inventory now? Get it done. When you're sponsoring people give them a date. Here's how you write inventory. At At this point, we need to meet to do your fifth step. Give them a time frame. You give an alcoholic an open-ended time frame, it will not get done. It won't. Here's when we're going to meet. Be there. Give them, give them a period of time in which to get this stuff done. I've got to get it up because guys, think about this. When you're sitting in this and you're putting it on paper and you are reliving all this stuff, how long can you stay there? Not long if you're a drunk like me before you, you're getting a drink. get it up off of you, get it on paper and move on. Michael talked about it. We're going through the work quickly. Not I'm going to give you two months to write your inventory and I'll say no quickly. All right? If we had to live, we had be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. That idea that I know what's best and I'm gonna sit and plot your demise has got to be done. The grouche and the brain storm. It's not for US. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men But for alcoholics, these things are poison. So what's going to happen? I'm going to do this resentment inventory. I'm gonna look at these first three columns and then I'm going to slide over and start filling some things out in this mysterious fourth column that nobody seems to ever know about. So it says we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future. So I'm about to look at column one, two and three and look at Column four. Start writing down what's my mistakes where has self manifested in these situations and don't worry if you can't see it all your sponsor will help you i promise then they'll rub your little nose in it and it'll get ugly just kidding but you don't have to see all of it that's why we have sponsors that's what that's about so i'm going to look at from an entirely different angle we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us isn't that the truth do those people those institutions those principles that you wrote do they not own you? Mine did. In that state, the wrongdoings of others, fancy to real, had the power to actually kill. If you're drunk like me and you're sitting in the back of the room like Joe thinking that I'm glaring at you when I'm really not, you'll make every decision from here on out concerning me with that idea in mind that I don't like you. Had the power To actually kill me whether it was real or not. Solve these resentments must be mastered but how we couldn't wish them away any more than alcohol. You ever decided You're not going to be upset about something anymore. You know what? I'm just over that. I'm going to let that go. I'm gonna let that go. Awesome. If you can do that, I sure can't. I've decided I'm not mad at you so many times. And then when I see you, I'm like, now I remember why I don't like you. I don'T have the power to let that go any more than I have the power of choosing whether or not I drink. That's just the truth. It's just the truth is going to give us this resentment prayer and dealing with other people. at the top of page 67 it says we ask god to help us show them the same tolerance pity and patience we would cheerfully grant a sick friend when a person offended we said to ourselves ourselves this is a sick man how can i be helpful to him god saved me from being angry thy will be done more often than not you're going to hear people say well you should pray for that other person if you're upset with them you should pay for them what this book says is they don't need your prayers. You need to pray for you that God changed you. God saved me from being angry, thy will be done. They're not the ones that have to change. I do. I do. So it says referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done. We resolutely look for our own mistakes. So this is where the fourth column of that inventory comes in. So where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. This is what I'm looking for in these resentments. What's my mistake? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? This is the point in which I'm going to accept some responsibility for what's gone on instead of blaming you and trying to get free. The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and we were willing to set these matters straight. Flip back to 65 because the fear is I'm not going to be able to see it in somebody else. Sure, you've been taking everybody's inventory their entire life. You will easily be able to see this. Have you ever been in a situation where you're having a conversation with somebody and they're trying to convince you of how somebody's wronged them and you're thinking to yourself, well, yeah, I can see that, but you totally set that in motion. Right? You see that stuff. It's easier to see that in other people than will ever be able to see it in yourself. I can see where she would have said that to you because remember last week you were telling me how you were doing this and this over here? It will become apparent. Look at Bill's. So he's resentful at Mr. Brown because why? He's paying attention to his wife. He told on him because he has a mistress, and now he's trying to get his job. Well, I'd be upset too, wouldn't you? For sure. What's it affected? His sex relations? Yeah. She found out that he has a mistress. Do you think that he's having sex relations at home that are positive? No, she's angry. She's upset. Rightfully so. My self-esteem. What's happened? Suddenly my home has been disrupted. My marriage has been interrupted. She found out and he's told on me. Hmm. My security. Now he's trying to get my job, my income, my paycheck, my self-esteem that I've attached to who I think I am at work. See how this guy has disrupted every area of his life. He's got him across the board. All of his instincts pretty much have been affected and now he's living by fear. Fear that people are going to find out, fear that he's going to lose his job, fearthat he's not going to be taken care of. So now let's slide down to the fourth column in this deal and look at where was Bill selfish? Where was he self-seeking? Where washe dishonest and where was he frightened? All of a sudden it becomes obvious. Well let's see? He's paying attention to my wife. Right. Why? Because Bill's down the street having an affair. He's left the door wide open for somebody, anybody, to pay attention to his wife. Selfish, dishonest, the delusion that this was done at me. No, you kicked the door wide open before it happened. See how easy that is to see on somebody else? Told my wife of my mistress. So I'm mad that somebody's paying attention to my wife, but yet I'm having an affair. Wow. And he's trying to get my job at the office. Why wouldn't he be? Why? Because if you slide on down to the rest of his inventory when he's upset with his employer, what's he doing? Why is he mad at the employer? Because he's drinking on the job and padding his expense account. So he shows up loaded to work, and he's stealing petty cash. So somebody else is trying to get his job. Well, whose fault is that? Bill. See how easy it is to see this stuff on somebody else? It will make sense. It will makes sense. Sitting and hearing somebody else's inventory, you will begin to see patterns. You will begin to see motive. The character defects will come alive. You'll be writing faster than they can talk to show them what their stuff is, right? Security. I love it. Who I think I am. So when he sees these faults, we list them, we placed them before us in black and white, which means there's a list going. I need to know what I'm working with. God already knows what he's working with, but I needto see who am I really because I've sold myself on a delusion that I'm a giver. All of a sudden, I'm seeing something like Bill's inventory come to light and go, oh my gosh, no, I'm not. I'm selfish and dishonest and inconsiderate of others and taking every action based on fear. Oh no. Those are the actual facts. That's the actual truth. And I'm going to need those lists of defects so when I walk into six and seven, I know exactly what I'm working with, exactly what i'm giving to God. He already knows but I need to see that. And that's how resentment inventory works. I am not going to go into master detail on that just because I need flip through the other two before we break for lunch. but you'll see, um, if you go back and look at Bill's inventory, the way he treats the people he's around, thewayhe treats his employer,the way hetreats his wife in this sort of self-centered entitlement that he can treat anybody the wayhe wants to, but they better treat him with some respect. Isn't that interesting? I want forgiveness for me, but for you, I want justice. Wow. But isn't that the way we live and it becomes very very obvious and the bottom of 67 they're going to go on and talk about fear it says this short word touches somehow touches about every aspect of our lives it was an evil and corroding thread in the fabric of our existence was shot through with it that sounds like a lot of verbiage but until you see this you will see fear that is woven through your sex conduct, all of your resentments, every decision you've ever made. It is evil and corroding but what's more important is that it's woven throughout everything. So for those of us who walk in the rooms and say I'm not really afraid of anything let me assure you you put pen to paper and you will find out differently. You'll find out definitely. Instead emotion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve But did not we ourselves set the ball rolling? Well, what happens is I live in this sort of self-centered mode of operation and I'm always afraid I'm not going to get what I want. And so I make decisions based on that. See, if I'm afraid that you're going to take something from me, I'll take necessary action to make sure that doesn't happen. And that's what this inventory is getting ready to show us. So sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. That seems like kind of a dramatic statement. Look at your inventory, and you will see that it seems to cause more trouble because it drives me to take that action. So we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper. So one more time I'm going to be writing this stuff down. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Michael talked a lot in Step 3 about this self-reliance that we consistently rely on, even though it never pans out. But I rely on it over and over and so this idea that I'm going to do something different and I'm about to see in live and live in color, based on my experience, how self-reliance failed me. So it can be as simple as making a list of all the things that I am afraid of. A lot of them boil down to the ones that we all seem to have, fear of being alone, fear being unsuccessful and then often times what I am afraid of, I'm afraid of the opposite. Afraid to be with somebody, afraid to be successful. It gets real interesting. And then it's going to ask me, we asked ourselves why we had them. So just take a basic one. I'm a afraid of being alone. Why are you afraid of being alone? Column two if you will. You can write it how you want to. Why would you be afraid to alone? Because it's uncomfortable, because what people would say about me, because I'm relying on somebody else for an income. Whatever the reason may be. Then it's going to ask me, was it because self-reliance failed me? In relation to this fear, where is my reliance? There's only two answers to that. It's either on God or it's on me and me meaning various, various aspects. Where has self-reliance failed me? Am I relying on me or God? Well, look at it in relationship to not wanting to be alone, what action have I taken based on this fear? I get in relationships with people I have no business being in a relationship with. I stay in relationships I have no business staying in. What's your experience with that? Fear of being unsuccessful. Why? Because I don't want to be poverty stricken. Who are you relying on for that income? Who are you reliant on to be secure? You or God? Whose hands have you been putting that in? oh, mine? How? I'm deceitful. I'm manipulative. I've dishonest. I am always trying to get mine. Does that make sense? Do you see how every decision has been based on fear? I mean even looking back at Bill's inventory on 65, he's listed fear what 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, how many times is it? 1,2,3,4,5,6 times just in four resentments. Seems like fear is the driving force of all of it? Why do you think he was stealing from his employer? Why did he think he's trying to run games on his wife and on Mr. Brown? Why is he upset about this lady, Ms. Jones, who's talking about his drinking and why afraid that it's not going to go what my way, my plans, my designs. See in the third step promises, it talks about being less interested in my little plans and designs. It took a long time for that word little to come to my attention because in the scope of i want what i want it's like a pinpoint like a laser and it only considers that thing it has nothing to do with what's out here the possibility of what god could have for me it's always about what i won't my little plans and designs and when i'm in fear that you're going to disrupt that you've got to go or i've got some maneuver around me see how that works. Fear is a driving force of all my actions. Isn't that the truth? All right. I love this. Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but It didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other. When It made us cocky, It was worse. When I have that false sense of power that It comes from me and I'm cocky about it, it makes it worse. See, if I'm not in fear, I don't need to tell you. Have you ever seen that person that walks into the room and they've got to be the center of attention and they're got to be loud and they got to running the show and they have got to dot dot dot? Do you think that's about self-confidence or fear? Think about that. When it made us cocky it was worse. Something to think about. Perhaps there is a better way we think so for we're now on a different basis well what basis is that after taking the third step i'm on the basis of trusting and relying upon god we trust infinite god rather than our finite selves we're in the world to play the role he assigns which means what it means i don't have to hand out parts to the rest of the actors because i've been doing that my whole life driven by fear and already setting myself up for resentment because i know you're not going to do it the way I want you to do it. So I need to write the script, detail, hand it to you, go over it with you, make sure you understand and then force you to put my way. Whether I do it nicely or whether I browbeat you, I've got to have what I want. Now it's saying I'm in the world to play the role he assigns. Hmm. It's a different concept, which means I don't need anybody to do at my way just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity? You talk about living life on God's terms. We all talk about living life on life's terms, but I already knew how to do that. It was me doing what I wanted to do. That's life on Life's Terms. You're all in it for you. Now we're going to live life on god's terms very, very different concept. Very, very different because like Michael said, we're all taught that from a very early age have a goal have drive have determination make it happen don't count on anybody but you you want something done right do it yourself now we're going to shift gears and place reliance on something that i have no experience with it's like free falling but then you have to ask yourself well what was my truth in step one oh okay i might be willing to do this then that's why again like michael said if you don't understand that truth it won't drive you through the work. It just won't enable us to match calamity with serenity. Isn't that the truth? So it says, instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. We asked him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. That's an interesting word to use, what he could have us do. If you're like me, a situation arrives and I take one step back, assess it, come up with a plan, and then take necessary reaction. What's that about? A life driven by fear and selfishness. Now it's saying what he would have us be, and you know what? Sometimes he would have us just be quiet, just be still, just don't touch it. Let's see, a life driven my self-will demands that I get my hands immediately on it, fix it, manipulate it, construe it to my liking, and then you all better get on board with it Like yesterday, right? This is asking, what would God have me be? And once we commence to outgrow fear. So I'm going to stop trying to manhandle and be a maximum service to God. At this point, do I know how to do that? No. But this is what we're working with. This is what мы're working towards. And later on, it's going to talk about how to apply these principles. They're talking about sex conduct. And this is where everybody gets kind of tripped up about, oh my God, I don't know about having to write sex inventory. I'm not asking you for the dirty details. I'm Not Asking You For All The Weird Stuff. If you want to tell me, I'm always interested. But that's not what this is about. This is about how do I operate within the confines of me and another human being? How do I treat these people that I say I care about? How do i treat the people that they care about it's about to get real clear um, that I'm in it for me, no matter what the situation I'm in it. For me, I can often delude myself that I am also in it for you, but more of it. I'm minute for me and we're going to get real clear on this. Um, it's going to go on to talk about human opinions about, you know, what's right. What's not right? What does Michael think is okay versus what does Lewis think is Okay. What doesn't matter. We're not in it to talk about that. This is not about moral versus immoral one more time. It's just about the facts. How are you operating in this stuff. I'm not going to be the arbiter of anybody's sex conduct, okay? I got to understand that as a sponsor, I don't get to tell you, you know what, I do not really think it is okay to be gay. I do really think that you should be having sex before marriage. I don really think, that is not what this is and how dare me, a drunk, go and tell you what is okay. No, no, because your relationships with other people will be about you, them I mean, God, I might be able to show you some facts along the way and certainly show you some defects that are coming up, but I'm not here to instruct you in relationship. Does that make sense? You need to get real clear on that because there's a tendency when you're sponsored a bunch of people and that ego comes into play and you want to start telling people what to do and women are the worst. Don't do it. You do not have the right. Okay? So it says we reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Oh my God, have been reviewing his conduct forever. Now I'm going to review my conduct and look at what's really going on. Where we've been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate. We've seen that before. Whom did we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. This is not necessarily about the act of sex. Can be. It's not necessarily about that. What it's asking me is where was I selfish, just honest, and inconsidered in relation to me and this other person? Hmm. Selfish, dishonest, and inconsiderate. I've already looked at this in four-step inventory or resentment inventory so it's not new but I'm just looking at it differently just based on this. Whom had we hurt? My tendency is to say me and him. Right. But who picked up the pieces when that didn't go right? His co-workers, my family, our mutual friends. See how it kind of ripples out? Hmm. Suddenly there's a lot more people that got harmed inside this relationship than just me and that other person. And I've got to consider that for a minute. Was that selfish? Should I at all consider how other people would be affected? No, because I was in it for me. Dishonest. You've gotto include the delusion in that. I would be happy if he would act right. Really? Because when he did act right, you see, didn't do it quick enough. He didn't do it nice enough. I would be happy if he would act right. No, I don't think so. I think that internal condition exists whether he behaves or not. That's the truth in considerate of others. Where did we unjustifiably arouse that jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Back to that third step, the actor running the show. What did I do trying to get my way, trying to get my needs met? Where was I arousing these things? What role did I play? Jealousy. Think about that. How many times did you arouse that jealousy trying to gets your way? That can look like anything from, you're not getting the attention you need so you seek it in someone else. It can look like, I know that certain things irritate you so I do them just to irritate you, to arouse kind of stuff. Suspicion, where are you with that checkbook? Where are you with being honest about your finances with your significant other? Are you deleting text messages? Ask yourself, where are you arousing that suspicion? I'm going to come home late. I'm gonna give you about half the details. Hadn't even done anything wrong, but I just don't feel like you need to know. Wow. Is that how you would want to be treated? No. What's bad about this is I've got a, like Michael talked about moral codes and philosophies that I can't live up to, but you better. I demand that you live up too. And when you don't, I will hold court to prove that I'm right and you're wrong. But I can't live up to them myself. Man, why anybody would want to be with us when we act like this? Bitterness. Can't let anything go. I'm going to keep reliving something. I'll keep hinting at something. Keep stabbing that open wound. See how this is not just about the act of sex? It can certainly involve the bedroom because we can sure be selfish in there. But think about that in all the areas of your relationship. Where were you these things? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? Don't give yourself the cop out of, well, I just should have never dated him. Really look at it. What should you have done inside when this problem arose? How could you have behaved differently? How could you've done something differently? We got this all down on paper and looked at it, and the question is, in my next relationship, do I want to be this way? My answer was no. Whether it's in my next relationship or a current marriage or a current relationship, do you want to continue to behave the way that you're behaving? The problem is I don't have the power to do it differently and that's why I'm seeking. But I've got to first see what the truth is. And the truth ist I'm not as precious as I thought. A bit of a martyr in relationships. I will make you feel bad about things you don't even know you did. That's the truth. And I had to be pointed out because, guys, when I'm writing this inventory, I can see some of it, but I'm going to need my sponsor to draw it all the way up. And that's what we do. And it becomes real obvious when you're doing it with somebody else. So it talks about in this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future life, future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test. Was it selfish or not? I've got to get down to the truth We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. This is not about fixing this. It's about asking God to mold my ideals and help me to live up with them. Sometimes we get sober, and we start living in some principles and trying to work with some things, and we're going to demand that everybody else do it. They don't have to. I have to live by these principles. I haveto live by the ideals that God molds, but I don'thave the ability to do this on my own. It's going to give us three different sex prayers. We talked about a resentment prayer, a fear prayer. Now it's going to give us three sex prayers, which sort of indicates that this is an issue. This is a problem for some of us. And that's all right because they understood that. The authors of this book had the same experience. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow towards it. This idea that you're going to get it right, you're not. You're just not. Some of us feel like we've been so bad before we got sober that we've got to walk on water and get it all right. You won't. You won't, but I've got to be willing to grow towards that. I've gotta be willing to change some things. So that first prayer, it says in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. Which means we're gonna treat sex like we would any problem. I'm gonna take this to God, ask Him what I should do about each particular matter. About each specific manner. The right answer will come if we want it. If you want it." It talks about God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. In relation to relationships, I've spoken with my sponsor. I've spoke with lots of people in recovery and this fellowship that are trying to abide by the same principles, but it's real important that God be a final judge on that stuff because there's lots of opinions, but this is really going to be ultimately about me and my creator and the people you sponsor and their creator. You may see something for what it is, but it's going to be up to them. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. God does not come hysterically to you. He doesn't that thought process of, I have to make this work and he's the one. And then that's you. That's your thought process. God doesn't come hysterical. Get quiet in meditation and watch what happens. Watch. All right. And it talks about falling short of the chosen ideal. If we're sorry for what we've done and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things we believe, we will be forgiven. We'll have learned our lesson. Is it possible that I'm going to fall short of some chosen ideals and stumble in my sobriety? Yeah. I'm not going to get this right all the time, but if I have the honest desire to let God take me to something better, then I will have learned a lesson and it's not even a lesson for me. It's for a woman I sponsor. Anything that happens to you in sobriete is not even about you. Isn't that weird? It's not about you, it's for somebody else, okay? But it says if we're not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we're quite sure to drink. Let me assure you, if you want to do this work but carve out a little niche for yourself and continue to treat people how you want too but try to do his work at the same time, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't. I've seen lots of people sponsor, carry the message, attempt to live in principle, but want to run over the opposite sex in this fellowship and they get loaded around that. Got to be clear. And I remember one time sitting in a meeting at PPG and Michael made this comment and he said, what you guys need to understand is that the big book was written in blood. And I had to really think about that. I thought, what did he say? The big book was written in blood. It's the experience of what did work and what did not work, and thank God they accounted for all those things. So how many times do you think they saw people stumble and fall and get loaded and walk away around this stuff? Why is there three prayers for this? This is the experience of What Will Work and What Won't Work. If you are not sorry and you continue to harm others, quite sure to drink. He says these are facts from our experience, not their thoughts, not their opinions it's what they saw happening they stepped over a lot of bodies to get this information so it says to sum up about sex this is the third prayer we earnestly pray for the right ideal for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing that's what i'm praying for and if it's troublesome it's going to tell me i'm going out to look for others that's when i'm doing if i'm having issues here i need to go work with somebody else. Why? I need to get busy doing something else. Let God go to work on me because I'm not going to fix me. Let god go to Work on me while I go try to help somebody else, but I'm going to be saying this prayer praying for the right ideal guidance for Sanity for the love of God saying around the situation and the ability to do something different. All right. So at this point we've looked at resentments fear sex conduct and we've gotten it all down on paper. We've gotten it all concise and to the point. It says, if we've been thorough, we've written down a lot. We're listed and analyzed our resentments. We've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people because for the very first time I got to see in black and white that I'm not so well. I'm sick when I didn't realize. Okay? We hope you're convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him. If you've already made a decision, meaning that third step in an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you've made a good beginning. Oh my God, it's like he said earlier. You wrote inventory thinking that you've done all this stuff. You made a beginning. That was it. Made a beginning, the real work starts from this point on. That being so, you've swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. So when we get back from lunch, we're going to talk a little bit more depth about the fifth step and what that really entails, but that's sort of inventory in a nutshell. We good? Well, the thing is, is that intellectually none of this makes sense to the newcomer. We can't forget that. But I loved how Dr. Bob put it. This book is not left up to personal interpretation, and remember we're getting down to causes and conditions of why this newcomer is going back to the drink over and over and over again. And the fourth step is all about trying to figure out why their life is so unsatisfactory once they leave the drink aside. And the foundation to all of this, to allofthisworkisallbasedoffofthisfourthstep. And the minute I start deviating as a sponsor and walking someone through this and taking away and adding to this process you have put their life in your hands see my job is just to be the messenger and walk them through this work and get them plugged into God and the minute I assume God's responsibility and I assume this program is a responsibility and I don't agree with how Audrey just perfectly laid out what is a fourth step now i've changed everything and now god only knows what's going to happen because now i'm not thoroughly following that path that they said rarely would fail so unfortunately in these rooms we scare people away by what a four-step is and unfortunately most people don't even know what a fourth step is because they haven't spent the time and had someone actually laid this out to them and it's all misconceptions of what keeps someone away from it because it's just moving that noise inside their head down to a blank sheet of paper. And like she said, if they can't get honest with that blank sheet of paper in the content that we want, remember it's not quantity, it's quality. More doesn't mean you have a better chance because it is the garbage in, garbage out. As long as I stick to this plan and lay out what they're asking, this person has a fighting chance of surviving one of the deadliest illnesses known to man. Alcoholism, as we know it. And that's the greatest part about this. I don't have to interpret and come up with ideas of how to save this individual's life. As a sponsor, all I have to do is know the content, convey it to them. A monkey with flashcards can do this. as long as they stick to the content, because all they are is, what do I do next? What did this affect in your life? What do I doing next? Where did you make mistakes? Were you being selfish while you were drinking on the job? Or weren't you? Who were you thinking about while you're stealing the money from the job. Were you dishonest? Were you in fear as a result of it? If you see it, write it down. If you don't, don't. Remember that they let us in. And it's all causes and conditions of what's taken us back to here. And this is the blueprint to the truth. And like they said, that being so, we have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. Because the truth will set you free. But until then, it's going to beat you to death. And that's what this fourth step is all about. and everything from here on down, from that four-step is going to be geared off of this foundation right here of how do I get to the truth about what's causing my own destruction. Good job, by the way.