Steps 10 and 12 – George – East Coast Convention – 2009

I'm a grateful alcoholic. My name is George. I'm sitting here thinking about inventories and how they were when I got here. We were joking a little bit before the meeting. I want to start off what I always start off with. I don't speak for Alcoholics Anonymous. No one does, has that right or that authority. What I have is my experience, and I have a lot of experience taking inventories. One of the things I did when I first came in here was take everybody's inventory. And I didn't know better, so I told them when I thought about them when I got here. I thought this was a bunch of losers and you guys didn't understand, I was different. All the stuff that we do to justify our own inappropriate behavior. You know, and just because we're talking about taking a personal inventory and when we're wrong promptly admit it, that's a big statement. What does promptly mean? Promptly does not mean three weeks. To me, that is not prompt. That is a form of procrastination. I stepped on a lot of toes of people when I came in here and said a lot of things because I wanted people not to like me. I was looking for a reason to walk out this door and get drunk. And I'm so grateful for the people who loved me in spite of where I was and let me become the person that you guys molded me into becoming. You know, they say, you know, you're supposed to identify and not compare. Well, I sat in these rooms and compared and that's how I took your inventory on my comparison, that you didn't drink as much as I did. You didn't have the same problems I did, you don't understand where I'm coming from, I'm different, I am unique and somebody said to me, lose your terminal uniqueness, you're just another drunk and that's what I needed to hear because I'm just another drunk and so is anybody else sitting in this room I may have drank differently, I may not have drank the same things, I might have done more than some people and a lot less than others it doesn't matter what brings us here, it's what we do when we get here and that 10 step inventory is letting everybody be right where they are and respecting right where they are. It took me a very long time to get comfortable with understanding. I knew how to take inventories, all right? And I always took my own. And no one is as hard on me as I am on myself. I beat myself up constantly for all the things that I should have done, would have done. Could have done but didn't do. And then I sit here and feel bad for myself and then I'll start wallowing in self-pity and remorse and guilt and shame and the next thing I know a drink looks good. So I had to learn to separate, and I always talk about the swinging door inventory. My sponsor said, you have a lot of stuff going on, a lot of stuff on your plate. When you walk into a restaurant, there's always that kitchen with that little glass triangular door. Why don't you take everything you have and put it in that kitchen? And when we're ready, you and I will walk in there and we will deal with one item at one time so you don't whirl. Biggest inventory I had do was learn to take one thing at a time. Did not know how to do that because everything was going on and especially when I got here my head was very busy and whatever thought came in that was the most important thing at the moment if you ask me what I thought about when I first got here I cannot tell you what went on in my head some 15 plus years ago I can tell you that even in the morning if I read uh the um morning meditation book whichever meditation book I read by the time I finish it get up go to the bathroom then go have a cup of coffee I have to reopen that book because I forgot already so my inventory is that I got a very short memory span that's the first thing I got to know about inventory taking so when I'm walking into a 10 step it's assuming first of all I was given to do my 10 step work real early on long before I ever hit the 10th step my sponsor said journal because you want to put things on paper so you can see where you're at on a daily basis and I started that when I had like 60 days, maybe 90 days, I was already journaling who I spoke to, who I called. So I could keep a regular with my sponsor because if he asked me at the end of the day, who did you speak to? Who did you call? I wouldn't remember. My head was that busy that I had so much going on. It was going around in circles but I was getting nowhere. I was just a human doing. I wasn't a human being yet. So it took me a while. So my sponsor had me writing real early and I'm real grateful for that. So I walk in here with a whole bunch of wrong thinking, wrong actions and wrong attitudes and I'm taking my insides and measuring them by everybody else's outsides. You know, they say if you see what you want, you'll take it home with you. I always tell the story of one of my friends. We're friends friends. She has three more months than I do. She's the first speaker I saw in AA and that was one of the cliches I heard when I first got here. So when I saw her, I figured I'd take her home with me. So I went over and I started talking to her and I thought a defocusing from the program. him, my sponsor was kind enough to take my inventory. I take my sponsee's inventory. I do judge people and I hear a lot of things about judgment. I better judge people. I want to know who I want to be around. So my sponsor took my inventory and told me that I could not hang out with this person unless I was in a group of 15 or more and I couldn't go coffee with them for a year. I asked him if he was nuts. He said no but you are and you don't have a right to make somebody sicker than they already are. He took my my inventory quite well, too. And we became best friends. We're still best friends and we do 12 step calls together and we've done big book studies together and step meetings together and done a lot of things together but I'm so grateful that I didn't act out on that urge that I had looking for a little vicarious pleasure as the book talks about because it would have been all wrong. And because I took that restraint that we're going to talk about in that inventory I have a great friend which I probably wouldn't have had I acted out on inappropriate behavior the tenth step keeps me from making wreckage of the present by taking an inventory and that's real important for me because I just have enough record to the past I still haven't cleared up and that 15 plus years later it all didn't go away because I stopped drinking what I try and do on a daily basis is not make wreckage or the present can't say I haven't done that I've done that in sobriety. So, you know, we're here talking about what I'm walking into a 10-step with. I walk in here with excesses, liabilities, criticism, negative emotions. I'm full of fear. I got a lot of anger going on. I am jealous. I love to think about death and how I'm going to die because I'm sitting in the rooms. I feel like I'm dying when I first got here. I was thinking you guys were all joy killers. You wouldn't let me do what I wanted. You know, I was rehashing all the stuff of the past. I was full of sin. Anything to me, and I always use the word for sin, is anything that was selfish in nature, so I was still selfish and self-centered. I Was Full of Disturbance. I WAS Hurting People. IWas Justifying My Inappropriate Actions. I Had a Temper. I Still Held Grudges. Iwas Still Miserable. I still was envious, full of self-pity had a lot of hurt pride I was full of disagreement I was still demanding, I was anxious I was neglectful of a lot of things. I still rationalized criticized and argumentative I still punished people and gossiped about people I was full of depression I was looking for attention I had very little regret I felt self-righteous I was hasty I was rash, I was judgmental, I was power driven. I always talk about my three higher powers when I came in here was money, property and prestige and I found out as I stayed here long enough taking an inventory long enough that diverts me from my sinless purpose. That diverts Me from carrying the message to the alcoholic who suffers. That sixth tradition is so important to understanding that that is what diverts Me from you guys because it's about other things it's not just spiritual. And for me I've learned by being here long enough, taking enough inventories, that my spiritual well-being has to come before the material. Because if I have it backwards, I'm drinking again. It's just for me. I was still full of pride. I still sulked. I were still scorning people silently thinking they were so wrong for what they did. I had temptation. I'm still vengeful. I've had a lot of emotional booby traps as soon as my ex-wife would call immediately I was in a tirade. My mother used to say would push my buttons I love that expression and my sponsor used to say she's not pushing your button she installed them she just knows how to get to you and it was all the way I looked at things it was about my perception which was warped and twisted so I was full of problems I definitely was disagreeable I was very material I indulged myself I looked at my successes before I got here and lived on the past a lot and was worrying about the future and I was ruining the day. I could not get into the gift of the present. I still fantasized. I still was bored. And every time I told my sponsor, I was bored, he says you should be bored. You're boring. You are not doing anything to make life interesting. So I had a lot of dislike and I was full of hate. I hated everybody and everything. I did not know how to get along with my fellow men. This is what I walk into the 10th step with. Even though I've cleaned up wreckage, even though I'm getting into the realm of the spirit, I still have those defects of character directly under my skin. And I'm going to talk about that a little bit in a little while, where we talk about what we're given as a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual well-being. I believe I'm given a reprieved for my character defects. I said when we were doing the sixth and seventh step, I built the house in sixth and seven because my defects are always with me and they will always show themselves. It may not have a 24-hour reprieve from some of my defects, but as soon as I have that awareness, I have a seventh step to return it over to God and get more God-like so I don't stay in that defect because those defects are my killers. And the 10th step talks all about those defects. So this brings us to the 10ths step now, which suggests that we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living when we cleaned up the past. Cleaning up the past is the fourth step through the ninth step. That's where I clean up my past. And there was a lot of stuff to clean up. And it didn't go away in nine months, and some of it didn' t go away for years, and some if it still hasn' t gone away. And I still get to clean it up. My past is still part of me. And it' s a learning stick for me. We entered into the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. We should continue to watch, it should continue for a lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. That's your fourth step right there. When they crop up we ask God to remove them, that's step six and seven. We discuss them with someone immediately, that' s the fifth step. And we make amends quickly if we harmed anyone, that is step eight and nine. and then we resultantly turn our thoughts to someone we can help, beginning at a 12th step love and tolerance of others is our code now if you're like me, I love the people I love and the rest of you guys I just tolerate but I've learned that through that toleration and I always talk about the people that intimidated me when I got here there was a woman who I know very well she became my A-mom when I came in here Marian S. I'm not going to use her last name because I didn't get her permission. She used to be in a room and she's a tough old lady and she was a good old lady. And she used to really intimidate me and my sponsor said, I want you to sit next to her and get to know her. Not only did he get to know her, her son and I used to use together. He came in a year before me and we're best friends. Johnny S. And I just spoke to him today. So here I am already judging somebody, already came to a conclusion of a fact that wasn't true and this lady when my children i had to give them up legally was right there to help me and she became a great friend and she's still she's like my mom when my mom died my sponsor suggested i get a surrogate mom in aa and marionette's became my a mom and i love her to death so it goes to show you my perception of what's real is it that's why i have a sponsor and that's we talk about this word guidance and we'll talk about that more next week but it's a very important part of having guidance of another the human being to point me in a direction so I can take a clear look at myself not a jaded look it says now we cease fighting in anything even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned we are seldom interested in liquor if we attempt it we recoil from it like a hot flame sanity is returned somewhere between step two and step ten I actually get to think sanely I get to think to good purpose I didn't know how to do that when I got here I just knew what I knew when I got here and I didn't know how to turn that around to have any kind of purpose other than a selfish, self-centered motive. I didn' t know how to be giving. I didn''t know how to be considerate. I learned that in these rooms through steps and through sponsorship and through many, many meetings. It tells us we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given to us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes. That's the miracle of it. We are not fighting it. Neither are we avoiding temptation we feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected we had not even sworn off instead the problem has been removed the thinking about drinking has been taken out of me and I don't know when it happened but I know it happened it didn't happen right away I sat in these rooms for a long time desiring to drink and my inventory every day was based on the thinking of drinking and one day I woke up and I told this story last week called my sponsor said I didn't think about drinking today. He said, it's good. Whatever you did today, do it tomorrow. I don't know what I did. He says, but whatever you did yesterday, do tomorrow. And I got up and did the same five things I've been doing since I got here. I pray it in the morning and night. I ask a God in my understanding to help keep me sober and not to act out inappropriately. I surrender to that God. I read some literature. I go to a meeting and I speak to another alcoholic. And at the end of the day, I say thank you. That's not a lot of stuff to do. Do a little reading, a little bit. You You know, that's a nice price to pay for this thing called peace. Peace of mind. It does not exist for us. We're neither cocky nor are we afraid. This is our experience. This is how we act so long as we keep in spiritual condition. What is spirit? Fit? Yeah. Fit? Fit? Spiritual condition. What is fit spiritual condition? For an alcoholic like me, that means not drinking today. Some days that's as spiritually fit as I can be. And some days it's a lot more. You know, when I'm not feeling good, just not drinking is enough. But most of the time it's not. I need to reach out to another alcoholic no matter whether I'm not drinking or not. Those are things I learned that I have to do in order to stay in the center of this program. It's easy to let up on a spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do. Alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. It's not alcoholism, it's alcoholism What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition Every day is a day we must carry the vision of God's will into all activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine be done. These thoughts must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we want. It's the proper use of the will. Now when I got here I went to a big book seminar when I first got here, and they used to give out a daily inventory sheet in that little packet. I'm going to read this one because this is not the one I use, but it's the very first one I ever came across. It's a daily inventory, and on one side it talks about the personality characters of self-will and the personality characteristics of God's will. And it says selfish and self-seeking interest in others, negative and positive, dishonest, honest. Frightened, courage. Inconsiderate, considerate. Pride, humility, seeking God's will. Greed, giving or sharing. Lustful, watching what we can do for others. Anger, calm. Envy, grateful. Sloth, take action. Gluttony, moderation. Impatient, patient. Intolerant, tolerant. Resentment, forgiveness. Hate, love and concern for others. Harmful acts, good deeds. Self-pity, self-forgetfulness. Self-justification, humility, seeking God's will. Self-importance, modesty. Self-condemnation, self forgiveness. Suspicion, trust, doubt and faith. First inventory I ever saw when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. us. As I sat here and I read the big book, because it tells us what to do with our inventory, and I red the 12 in 12, I started getting a different look at that inventory. And I want to talk a little bit about inventories, because all inventories are not alike. They basically have the same purpose. One distinguishes one from the other. One is a spot check inventory the other one is a spot check inventory taken at any time of the day there we can take uh there's one we take at the day's end where we view the happenings of the hours just passed where we can cast a balance sheet crediting ourselves for the things well done trucking up debts we do then there is those occasions when alone or in the company of a sponsor a spiritual advisor we review our progress since the last time many years go in for an annual assembly annual house cleaning many of us also like to experience the uh the uh retreats the spiritual retreats which is something i really enjoy where we can quiet down for an understated day or so for a self overhauling and meditation 10 step talks about meditation uh it says aren't these practices are joy killers as well as time consumers must a is spend most of their waking hours dreary rehashing the sins of omission or commission there's two kinds of lies i was told the lie i tell you and the lie I tell you don't tell you because I don't hurt your feelings a lie is a lie it's like I always say you're you know there's no such thing as a little bit pregnant either you are you aren't if you're lying or you're not so the way around the law is to get honest uh so you know that those are the two lives we make um it uh I just lost myself all right it said then it tells us that once the healthy practice of inventory has become grooved it will it will be so interesting and profitable that time won't be missed for these minutes and sometimes hours spent in self-examination are bound to make the other hours of our days better and happier and at length our inventories become a regular part of our daily everyday living rather than something unusual set apart you know when I first started doing my inventories, I used to sit down at 9.30, 10 o'clock at night, say my prayers and then do my inventory. And I did that my first three years of my recovery. I actually did a written inventory for the first three years. And, uh, I stopped doing it all of a sudden. I didn't, I did a mental inventory. Then I went back to writing, journaling. Then, I went back to doing it a different way. In my third year when all this was going on, I I started re-looking at the big book and the 12 steps, the 12 and 12 at the 10th step and the 11th step. And I'm going to bring the 11st step in now because the beginning of the 11th steps tells us to go back and do a nightly inventory. So part of our 11thstep is doing that nightly inventory. So, and we'll talk about that in detail next week because I love that. The 11th Step says go back into a 10th Step. It's really what it tells me to do by taking that inventory. I'm actually reflecting on my day, which is a form of meditation. And then if I make a mistake, I can ask God to take that mistake away from me and ask me to be a better person for tomorrow. Very simple way to get into meditation. And if you're someone like me that couldn't sit still for a minute, that reflection of doing an inventory was great. It gave me a chance to quiet down. And then here comes the spiritual axiom. It's my favorite thing. Whenever I'm disturbed, it says, it's a spiritual axiom that every time I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we're sore, are we in the wrong also? There are no exceptions to rule. What about justified anger? Now my anger is always justified. I don't know it any other way. When I get angry, I'm right and you're wrong. It's that simple. And it's always justified and my sponsor made it real clear to me. He says, George, Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? I used to say, I want to be right. He said, stay miserable. When I told him I wanted to be happy, he said to me, then pray for that person. One great way of getting rid of anger that I feel towards someone else is when I pray for them. If someone cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we properly be angry with the self-righteous folk? For us in AA, these are dangerous exceptions. We found that justified anger or to be left to those better qualified to handle it. When I'm really angry and I want to talk to the person I'm angry at, the first thing I have to learn is not to go talk to them. My sponsor said count to ten, in your case count to 10, and then count to10 again, pray about it, call me, and then go talk with them because by that time you may calm down a little because I would go into rage. It used to be my favorite feeling. Few people are victimized by resentments than we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentment was justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nerved grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skilled in separating justified from unjustified. Anger, the occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag. This is the big thing, emotional sobriety. Emotional jag indefinitely. The emotional dry bend is often led straight to the bowels. Other kinds of disturbances, jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride did the same thing. So it tells me not only do I got to worry about my resentments anymore, now I'm looking for hurt pride, jealousy. Now you guys are building more on to me to look out for if I want to stay balanced. That's the big word that I had a lot of problems with when I got here. It was either black or white. And it tells us in all our situations, and it talks about self-restraint. It talks about selfish strength. I had a lot of problems with selfish strength because I felt I was right and you guys just didn't understand. And it sells us a spot check inventory taking the midst of any of these disturbances can be a very great help in quieting stormy emotions. My biggest problem is I reacted. I never knew how to respond to anything. If you stepped on my toes, I usually punched you right in the face and then apologized for that later and then felt guilty and bad. That's the way I behaved my whole life. I would retaliate in kind. I always tell this story when I was in college. There was a guy who threw a drink at somebody at the bar, and I can remember this story well, and I was just very upset. It was some girl's birthday. She started crying. She was upset, and it felt bad for the girl. So I stood outside with a beer mug, and as he walked through the door, I cracked that beer mug across his face. Didn't think twice about it. I was justified in getting even for that girl. I had no business doing that, but that's the way I always behaved. And that, to me, was justified. So now if I take a little bit of spot check on that, I probably wouldn't have hit that guy. I probably may have went over and said something, but I didn't deserve to put him into a hospital the way I did and break a beer mug. That's all. But that's the way I behaved. Whether I was drinking or not, I didn' t even have a drink at that time. I was just holding the beer mug waiting for the guy. It was very, very wrong behavior. The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those people or new events that throw off our balance and tempt us to make mistakes. And that was a mistake, and it tempted me. And me, when I was tempted, I bid at the temptation. I always bid at temptation because I didn't know the big thing we're going to talk about from the 10th step. In all situations, we need, this is the big things, self-restraint. Now, if you're like me, restraint is probably the hardest thing to do. I say things to people not meaning to hurt them, even on a regular basis, kidding around in an inappropriate matter without realizing it's inappropriate, and I can ruin a good relationship with somebody over that, and I've done that already. Honest analysts are what's involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours and an equal willingness to forgive when the fall is elsewhere. it. We need not be discouraged when we fall into the errors of our old ways. For these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not perfection. You know, I hear a lot of people say this program is about progress, Not Perfection. This is the only time it talks about actual progress, NOT perfection. In How It Works, it talks spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection. What I'm striving for is to grow spiritually. In this area, area, being I'm human, I will fall short. And I need to work on progressing and I use the measuring stick of my character defects on how well I don't act out on them as my growth to see that progress. I will never be 100%. I will not do an inventory where it's all positive. It has not happened yet. The day I do that is the day I get buried. I have that inventory. Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. It carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act rashly, our ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or willful snap judgery can ruin our relationship with another human being for a whole day or maybe a whole year. Nothing Nothing pays off like restraint from pen and tongue. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking and silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep these traps. If you know when my pride is hurt, I'm going to retaliate at you. If I know that I want to get even, I'm setting myself up to be vengeful. I'm sending myself up for trouble. So one of the things I learned to do is our four-step prayer on page 67 and 66 where it says, Though people wronged us, they like ourselves are sick too. We ask God to save us from being angry. How can I be helpful to this sick person? And that's something that I use in all times of disturbances because usually what I'm doing is I'm not liking the way somebody else is behaving. And what I am really doing is taking my insides on what I believe is right and wrong and putting them on someone else's outsides, and I don't have that right. Although people do that to me too. They don'thave that right, so I go back to what I was taught real early on. What others think of me is none of my business. What I think about me is nonofmybusiness. What is my business is what God thinks about me, and God loves me unconditionally, And that's the way I'm supposed to behave towards others. I don't do that very well every day. When we are tempted by debate, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint becomes automatic. That, to me, is probably one of the greatest tools I've got, is self- restraints. Because my old days, if you said something to me I would probably hit you first and apologize later and then feel lousy about it after that. today I can walk away. I don't have to get argumentative. Like if somebody will say something to me and it's in an argumentative way, I'll say, I'm sorry you feel that way. Pray for me. I need the help and I'll walk away from it. And then I'll go pray for them so I don'T carry that burden of resentment. So I've learned some tools to use so I DON'T react. I've learnt to respond to situations. And that's what this 10th step is teaching me. How do I respond appropriately? Finally, that we see that all people, including ourselves to some extent, is emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong. And when we approach true tolerance, we see what real love of our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward as it's pointless to become angry or to get hurt by people who like us are suffering from the pains of growing up. this is really all about, is I'm still a little selfish self-centered little kid. I want to stay at my feet and tell you what I want and you better give it to me the way I want it or else." There is no more or else. You know when I look at the tenth step one of the greatest things we talk about is the two different kinds of hangovers there is. There's the first kind of hangover we all talk about which is the hangover from drinking. We all know about that one but then there's the other kind of hanging over that I don't want to have anymore and that's the emotional angle and it says it says what a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday cannot live well today but there's another kind of hangover we all experience whether we're drinking or not we all experienced it so it's not unique to me or anybody else in this room when they're having a bad day because they're on an emotional jag and their life ain't feeling comfortable they're not alone they're not the first one to go through this, but there's things we can do. It says that the emotional hangover is a direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotions. Negative emotions is where I live my whole life. That's why I drank. Now I can't drink. What do I do with these negative emotions? Well, I pray about them and then I try and push them aside and go help another person so they don't stay with me too long. That is what I do. But what of the nebulous emotions that lead me there. It tells us what they are. It tells us that anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. It doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an admission and correction of our errors now. Our inventory enables us to settle with the past when this is done. We are really able to leave it behind us. When our inventory is carefully taking. We have made peace with ourselves. The conviction follows that tomorrow's challenges can be met as they come. By the inventory-taking process that I've gone through, I've learned that I can be at peace. And in the fourth step, we talked about that. And the tenth step is really continuation of the fourth steps on a daily basis. Step four says we took a searching and fearless moral inventory, which means we wrote an inventory. And step said we could says we continue to take an inventory we read continuing our four-step on a daily basis so we don't get to have to go back and make a new force that in a lot of cases so I have to be you know aware of what I'm really doing when I'm doing this because I want to be emotionally comfortable in my own skin so I'm going it on a day basis is I'm doing my four step now I get into this thing I've only done one four step I do it in ten step I don't yet into that if you're taking only one fourth step in your life and that's the only way you're taken and you've been here for years and years and years, God bless you, and it works for you. That's great. If you have to take a four step every year annually with a sponsor or you go in once every three years or five years and that works for you, go for it. I'm not here to tell anybody what they need to do. I'm telling you what I do. I do a four step every year. I do it every year. I do 10 step every day. Even though I do at the end of the year, I look and see out what I've gotten and where I need growth and I go over it with my sponsor and then I do an inventory and I do whether it be written about a job or whether it be written about my children, and I do a whole four-step on that. I want to call it a ten. I don't get hung up on that, I don�t get hung upon which one it is. I do the work that's laid out before me by the man that I love enough that leads me. It tells us, we get, it will become more and more evident as we go forward that, and pointless to become angry with people who are sick like us and we're suffering from growing up. Now either I, you know there used to be a guy in here by the name of Dennis O when I first got here and Dennis used to say this is not a program for snot-nosed kids it's for men and women who not only need to grow up but want to grow and that's what the tenth step is. This is where I start growing up it says such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. Not many people can truly assert that they love everybody. Most of us admit that we have loved but a few, that we've been quite indifferent to the many so as long as none of them gave us any trouble and as far as the remainder well we really dislike or hated them. Although these attitudes are common enough we AA's find that we need something much better in order to keep our balance. We can't stand If we hate too deeply, the idea that we can be possibly loving to a few, can ignore the many, and continue to fear or hate anybody has to be abandoned, if only in a little bit of time. I'll tell you, over the time I've been here, there are very few people I dislike or hate or I'm afraid of. A lot of that has been taken away from me, just like my desire to drink has been taken away. God has blessed me with grace, and step 10 is a lot about grace for me. Whenever we fail, any of these people, we can promptly admit it to ourselves always, and to them also when our admission would be helpful. Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love. These are the keynotes to which we may come into harmony with practically anybody. When in doubt, we can always pause saying, thy will not mine be done. And we can often ask ourselves, am I doing to others as I would have them do to me today? One of my prayers that was given to me when I got here is may I treat everybody today the way I want to be treated tomorrow. If I say that and I act out that way and I'm treating you that way, even if you don't treat me that way I can turn around and understand that you may not be spiritually centered at that moment in time and you're right where you're supposed to be. That is not the guy that walked in this room. When evening comes, and it talks about the balance sheet again, and I'm going to go over a balance sheet. It tells us, and the balance sheet that I use, this is the balance sheen. I brought some for the guys if you guys want them. I'm gonna read it. It tells today, and this is a combination of the big book and the 12 and 12, but I broke it down into a very simple thing because like most of the people I work with, they don't like to do a lot of work. they're lazy I don't know where that comes from so procrastination is a big thing so I made it real simple because I need to keep it simple for me because I don' want to spend hours writing all this stuff that I read so to me I put a date and it says today was I selfish yes or no dishonest yes or No resentful yes or NO or afraid these are all yes orno answers except for one place and I'll go over that did I ask God to remove them when they cropped up selfishness dishonesty resentfulness and fear have I harmed anyone did I make amends quickly do I owe an apology did I turn my thoughts to someone I can help did I practice love tolerance patience and kindliness towards all did it carry the vision of God's will into all my activities how can I best serve thee thy will not mine be done here's my favorite part what could I have done better not been a day that I couldn't have done something better not a day yet that I've answered all of those yes after I get through that and then you know I leave room on the back because three lines is not enough for me for what I could have done better uh then it talks about the second part of the the balance sheet in the book it says was I thinking of myself was I thinking what I can do for others was I Thinking What I Could Pack Into The Stream Of Life Did I Drift Into Worry Did I Drift into Remorse Did I drift into Morbid Reflection Did I Ask God's forgiveness? Did I inquire of God what action should be taken? That's a pretty simple inventory. It doesn't take long. I just read it in less than five minutes, so that's as long as it takes, depending on how much I want to write about what I could have done better. So I have to do this daily thing that I do, and you can either memorize it, you can do it any way you want, but the idea is to keep taking them. So here I am now, taking this inventory, and it tells us, you know, when the evening comes, and I've done this balance sheet, it says when evening comes and perhaps going to sleep we may draw up a balance sheet for the day and that was the balance sheet. This is a good place to remember that inventory taking is not always done in red ink. It's not all bad. There's good in that and that's a good thing. It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. As a matter of fact, the waking hours are usually filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, good acts are there for us to see see my problem is I'm blind and I forget and I don't do we're talking about it today I don't do compliments real well I have a problem with that somebody tries to say something nice about me I always downplay it I don t know how to accept a compliment I don' feel worthy of one and I'm here a long time I still struggle with that but in my inventory I know that's not true and it's real hard for me to just say thank you when somebody says something nice took me a long time it was very hard for me to say please or you're welcome I learned that in here even when we have tried hard and fail we may chalk this up to one of the greatest credits of all under these conditions the pains of failure converted into assets tells me in our literature that my defects will become my assets all that negative becomes something positive is a transformation I like to call it the metamorphosis of Alcoholics Anonymous where these good qualities start running my life it tells us out of them we received the simulation we need to go forward how hardy we is agree with this individual who knew us pretty well who remarked that pain is the cornerstone of all spiritual growth we had to know the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety and emotional turmoil before serenity so what it tells me that emotional turmoil the other side of that is peace serenety what a wonderful thing that is so when i'm in a whirling like i was all day today i know the other site of that his piece of mind serenady all i have to do is the footwork and take the inventory to see where i can clean up whatever's in front of me and what i can't give God and ask him for direction and help to get me to a place where I can handle those situations so it tells us in other instances the closest scrutiny we reveal it tells us when prideful, jealous, anxious fearful we acted accordingly and that was that here we need only to recognize that we did think or act badly try to visualize how we might have done better and resolved with God's help to carry these lessons into tomorrow or may cause any amends that we neglected. I don't like to go to sleep owing somebody an amend. It does not let me sleep real well. If I owe someone an apology for something I did, I'd like to try and clean it up on that day now. At the beginning, I liked three weeks, two months. That was immediate to me. As I stay here, I can't afford to wait that long because it deteriorates me from the inside, and I want that inside to be whole. It says another instance is the closest scrutiny he will reveal that our true motives were. There are cases where the ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in. That's a big one for me. And has justified conduct, which is really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had a good motive and reasons when we really hadn't. This is where my sponsor comes in with me in my inventory. I speak to my sponsor about my inventories. And we find out sometimes because I don't always know my motives. I don' t see myself clearly. that's why the book talks about guidance or a spiritual guide and in meditation we used to talk about morning watch where you write down your morning thoughts and we'll talk a lot about that next week with meditation and then I'm accountable to someone else so I know if I practice the four absolutes and I ask those questions is it absolutely honest, is it pure is it unselfish and is it loving if there's a yes to all those then it came of God but I've been here a long time and maybe three times in all the years that I've practiced those four absolutes to the questions I believe came from God in my 10th and 11th step. Only three times has that been really of God. The rest of the time it's been either rationalization or wishful thinking. So I've got to be real careful with that, and this is where my sponsor helps me in my tenth step. It tells us an honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow be the permanent assets we shall seek. That's a lot of things to be asking for that is positive. Having considered a day, not admitting to take due note of things well done and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience. You know, for the first few months I could not sleep. My head was not very good. I didn't have a good conscience I don't have a bad conscience today I can sleep in good conscience the things that I've gotten out of doing this step on a positive note the principles and the principle is you know something I believe in it's a belief that's what a principle is from all those negative things that I read that I stated at the beginning I came out of here with continuance I know what personal inventory is all I learned what promptly means that was a big one I learned about being admittance And I learned about preparing and being practical. I've learned what emotional balance is, something I never had before I got here. I learned what it was to have purpose. I learned About Conditioning and Assets. And I Learned About Learning and Desire and Growth and Self-Surveying and Being Wise and Learning About Acceptance and Searching and Perseverance and Persistence and Correction of Errors. I learned about patience and to be serene And I learned what immediacy is about What if something immediately means immediately Not a month from now I learned abut being careful and peaceful I learned bout convictions and principles and timing Time is very important I learned abaout balance and review and progress I learned baout spirituality I've learned about quiet time And that we'll talk about in step 11 I learned about house cleaning, overhauling, meditation. I learned About Happiness, which is something I didn't think I ever was going to get when I got here, to be happy, because it was about the inside that was changing, not the outside. I learnedabout Spiritual Truth and Consideration and Self-Restraint. I learned more about honesty and more about willingness and forgiveness and discipline and being fear-minded. I had an objective view towards other people instead of being a selfish, self-centered view. I had a more giving view of other people. I learned about tolerance and action and thoughtfulness, self-control, good purpose, restraint. I learned what it means to be sober. I learn about grace, esteem, vigilance, helpfulness and understanding. I learnt about my motives. I leant about keeping the amends process going on a daily basis so I don't have to add to it later on. I leaned about scrutiny, correction, character building, good living, gratitude, blessings being thankful. I learned about gratitude. I learned a lot more about God in step 10. And the most important things I learned about it was the courtesy, kindness, justice, love, good harmony with other people and most importantly is a new God consciousness. A God consciousness that I didn't have because if I didn' t sit and write this and see the positive things I would still focus on the negative because my thinking is never look at the good side of things. I don't feel worthy of a lot of things, I feel that I've hurt a lot people, I still carry regrets but because of the inventory process my warped perception of who I am is not who I am. I've learned that because I have someone I share that with and they let me know by the things I've done that I have a much better measuring stick. If God has forgiven me and has forgiven me and he has, why do I still beat myself up knowing God loves me totally. Why can't I love myself totally? Because I need an inventory to show me that I'm not as bad as I think I am, and I'm not as good as I tell you I am. Somewhere in there is the truth that God has given me, that I am okay in my own skin today. And that's what my tenth step gives me. The ability to stay in myown skin and know I'm okay, and I'mnot the bad person. I believe inmyownmind, that war perception I still carry. And I know that God has forgiven me, and And if I can forgive me, then I have to forgive everybody else. One of the worst lines when I first got here that bothered me the most is you're right where you're supposed to be. I will tell you over the years I am right where I'm supposed to be and as I stay here I see the picture unfold very slowly for me a little bit more and a little more grace comes in a little bit more awareness comes in and a lot more love comes in for my fellow man. My job today is to be of maximum service to God and my fellows. My maximum service is not to be, what does George want and how does he get it? It's a big change from the person that walked in. But I had to do all the steps to this point to get that closeness to the God of my understanding. And my tenth step keeps me very close to the god of my understand. We'll talk about step 11 next week. Thanks for letting me share.