Steps 10 and 11 – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – Part 6 of 25 – 2023 – Jessica S.

Well, welcome back. I'm Jess and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for coming back for 10 and 11. We're going to start this meeting like we do all with the set-aside prayer. Please follow after me. Dear God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, about my disease, the big book, the 12 steps, and especially you, God, so that I may have an open mind and a new experience with my disease, the big books, the 12 Steps, and especially you, God. Please help me see the truth. Amen. okay so we're going to start talking about step 10 which is continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it oh my god thank you for the reminder thank God you're here how could I forget to collect himself so we're gonna have two minutes of silent meditation Thank you. Thank you. you Female Speaker 1 It's amazing to see all you guys with us after this long day. quite a day for us and uh it's amazing that you're all still here so um this thought brings us to step 10 which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along so for me step 10 is that exercise i was talking about previously in step four because what i spoke about was the fact that i had been an alcoholic synonymous for some time before I came to the steps in this work, and that I felt like I didn't really see the people who I thought had wronged me as resentments anymore. And I told my sponsor this, and he explained how step four was really just an exercise for you because you're going to continue this work later on, and I need to learn how to continue thiswork. And in step 10, this is where that exercise of step 4 starts to work in my life on a daily basis. You know, I talk to a lot of people sometimes and you sit in a group and you listen to some people and it's not that there's any one way to do or have a contented life in sobriety. but I just don't understand why anybody would like to do a fourth step every year. That's not the way I was taught how to do the steps and I understand that some people do that and that's great if that works for you that's fantastic. For me I don't want to have to do a fourth stop every year I don' t want to write that much every single year I want to be able to do this as these things crop up If something's happening in my life today, I want to be able to do an inventory in my head. I wantto break this down as I'm thinking it through in real time. I don't want to have to sit in my poopy diaper all year while I get resentments. I want to live free of these things as I go to bed at night, during the day. I don't want to have to do this over and over and again on a yearly basis. So that's what I was taught. I was taught that you take the fourth step and you do it when you feel somebody's wronged you throughout the day. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. so the next thing I do is I grow, I continue I continue to do spiritual work on a daily basis so I can have understanding and effectiveness understand what? what am I trying to understand here? I don't know understand you? understand the problems in my life? Maybe, like understand other people and how things, how my life works in relation to other humans. Because that's a big problem for me. But I need to be effective. You know, I can't do anything if I'm not effective. And if I'm continuing to stuff everything and not work on it on a daily basis, I certainly am not going to be effective because I'm doing the same old thing over and over again as I'm getting wrapped up in self. And this work allows me to clean it out. I do a thorough house cleaning on a day-to-day basis. You know, I love this. I love the, this part of step 10 because it's like continue, continue, continue, you know, don't stop. There's, there's nowhere that I'm going to stop. Right? It doesn't say you can take a break. It says you continue. You know we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty and resentment and fear. When these crop up we ask God wants to remove them. They're going to crop up. It doesn'T go away. I'm still me. The problem centers in my mind. I am self-centered, I am egotistical, I am fearful. Just because I did a whole lot of stuff to get me to step 10 doesn't mean I am cured. Right? It doesn't mean I'm cured. It doesn' t mean that because I come to a retreat, it doesn' T mean that Because I go to big book step study, because I go to workshop, because I'm working with 15 other alcoholics because I'm an employee assistance program counselor because I do this stuff I run a halfway house or any other thing that involves drug and alcohol right? Just because I do all those things doesn't mean that I'm cured of self. It just means that I have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. And step 10 helps me maintain that spiritual condition instead of getting bogged down. And it says love and tolerance of others is our code. I don't really understand what love and tolerance is at this point. You know, it's love and tolerence, like tolerate, tolerate what? And it doesn't mean to put up with other people. Tolerate in the way it's in the book does not mean that I have to tolerate your behavior or tolerate your actions or just deal with whoever you are as a person. I need to be fully accepting of who you are. That's what tolerate means for me, as it is in the book here, love and tolerance of others. It goes on and says, for by this time sanity will have returned, which is, that's interesting for me because it talked about God restoring me to sanity in step two. it's like wow that's it's been a long time since 2 I know we've done it like really quick it was like I was at 2 you know it was really quick for us but in when you're doing the steps 2 to 10 is a lot of work and hopefully sanity is returned by this time you know because it's telling me that if I do this work the way it's laid out vigorously as it's told me throughout this process I became saner right faster I don't have to sit with my insane mind and have these insane thoughts that I have insanity is just a reasonable and rational behavior you know I was acting completely insane in sobriety too you know it wasn't like i became sober and i found my higher power and i made this ideal of a higher power unlike once i took the third step i was like restored to sanity or something like that didn't happen right i had to do everything we've talked about this weekend to get to this point, to be restored to sanity. It doesn't happen in step two. It happens by step ten. After those promises in step nine. Right? It's amazing. You know one of the best parts about step ten that I like is on page 85 it says we feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected not sworn it off instead the problem has been removed I feel like that today I felt like that throughout my sobriety you know once I was blessed enough to be to go through the steps and have a sponsor who showed me the work and have this fellowship that I was to be a part of. Like, I had there was no point where it's like, I would be with a friend or something and we'd be in a bar or we'd go out to eat for lunch and there would be nowhere to sit except at the bar. And they're like, are you alright with this? Yeah, I'm just grabbing a hamburger. I'm not just going to grab a cheeseburger that we can eat at the bar. It's going to be okay. They're just like, alright, we just want to make sure. All right? And I'm like, there has never been a point where it's like, I'm not going to drink. I'm Not Going To Drink. I'm NOT Going To DRINK. Like, I have this overwhelming fear that I'm going to DRINK when I walk into a place and I see bottles on a wall or I drive past a liquor store or whatever it may be. You know, I see booze in the supermarket or whatever it is. And I haven't had a problem like that when I've gone through this work. I never had to swear it off. I can go anywhere in this world unharmed today. It's like, I see alcohol, it's like alcohol. It's just alcohol today. you know and it's just it's interesting right it's interesting how that happens because it's I've come from a point where it's like that's all I used to think about it's all I used it's everything that used to consume me was where I was getting booze where I was going to drink, who I was going to drank with and where I was going and today when I see booze it doesn't even play a role. It doesn't even come to mind. None of those things happen for me I find it so funny when people look at me like that and they say you're alright are you going to be okay? Can I drink this in front of you? It's like yeah It's not a problem, man. You know, it doesn't bother me. And I think it bothers them more than it bothers me. You know? I love that sometimes you'll be talking to an alcoholic. Well, not an alcoholic, you'd be talking somebody that's drinking who might be drinking too much, you're not really sure, but you tell them that you're going to drink and they're not drinking and then immediately they go into, oh, well, yeah, I've been trying to cut back too and it's like, okay, so what's really going on? You know, and I always find it so funny. It's like happens every single time I tell somebody I'm not drinking. And it's just so funny, you know. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. I had this experience a little while ago. I feel like I'm in fit spiritual condition right I hit my knees I do my prayers, I work with other alcoholics I go to my meetings you know I do the deal there's probably some stuff that I could be doing better but this is what I've been doing my whole sobriety and I've been doing okay some days are better than others I'm not fantastic all the time, but I'm doing pretty damn good. At 15 years sober and three kids and a wife who's in the fellowship, I'm still hitting three meetings a week. I'm Still calling my sponsor. I'm working with other alcoholics in the book. We've been having some issues with our kids at home. Nothing crazy, just like typical stuff. and we had to send some letters to figure out what was going on at school, in class with the kids to get some evaluations done. And one came back with our daughter and said she was depressed in class and she was sad. I've been a father I've come so far from that drunk who was in a jail cell with a couple DUIs and my family just didn't want to see me die, basically, right? And I have this incredible life today that I built from staying sober. And I get this letter from the teacher, right, and it says that, and I'm like, you do so much for your kids. Like, I thought my kids were going to be like the best version of me, right. It was like, that's what I was striving for when I had kids. It was, like, it's going to be, like... She's goingto be,like, Wonder Woman. You know? She's gonna be brilliant, great at sports, not too much to ask, right? And then, um... This is happening. Like, what's the point, right?" And it was like, boom, obsession. And I'm not talking about, like, obsession like a thought of a drink. It was like the obsession of a drinking. And I know you all know what that's like when I say the obsession. Not like a fleeting, like thought. It's like, I have the obsession to drink right now. I'm like, holy crap. I haven't had this in 15 years. What am I going to do? I'm like, I can't drink. You know, I definitely can't drink. I know that. But the crazy thing is even though you know that when the obsession hits it doesn't matter. The tape isn't getting played back. Remembering the condition and the position you were in when you came in doesn't really come into play when the obsession hits because that's all I can think about. So I did what any good alcoholic does. I started praying, right? And I prayed for the obsession to be removed. And I called my sponsor. And I talked to him about it. and I prayed a lot more. And this crazy thing happened. The obsession was removed. You know, and I called my sponsor again the other week before I came up here. We were talking, and he's like, how are you doing? I'm doing really good. He said, so what'd you do? I prayed. Wow, that's amazing. It's amazing, that it's all it takes. so long as we stay in fit spiritual condition so what does fit spiritual condition look like when at any point in time you can get thrown off what's the point of all this if this is the way things are going to happen why am I doing all this work so I can continue to provide for my family so they can have a life so that my daughter has a chance to work through these things. Because it's not all about me now, right? I get here and it's NOT all about ME. It's about growing an understanding and effectiveness for other people, right. It''s not about me and all these problems that I brought into Alcoholics Anonymous. It is about this family that I have today and being there form. And if I wasn't close to AA, I probably could have drank. I probably could have rationalized it and said it's going to be alright. I haven't drank in a long time. Why not? Last time I drank it really wasn't that bad. I could have done a couple things different. Right? and then that thought comes in that unmanageable thought comes in and I have this peculiar mental blank spot and I drink again and like you hear in Alcoholics Anonymous all the time the worst thing happens nothing everybody always says it and I'm so glad that that's not how it turned out for me because I continue the work on a daily basis. I continue to grow my spiritual life and I stay in this bit spiritual condition based on the way it's laid out in the tent. I don't sit in resentments and I don' t wait to do a fourth step. Keep on the fire in line. and I work with other alcoholics so that this family that I have can grow too and I can be a sober parent, you know? Because that's the most important thing in my life today. The book just flipped over to a totally different page. You know, we're not cared of alcoholism. and what we have really is a daily reprieve contingent on our mere spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line. All we wish is the proper use of the will. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us. To some extent, we have become God conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. We must go further and that means more action. I have, you know, I explain this as like when I'm really praying and I'm working a really good program, it's funny, I have this like thought, this constant thought in the back of my mind when I pray or when I have something that's bugging me and it's telling me what to do. It's like this little voice. It's, like, yeah, you probably shouldn't do that, but, yeah., that's a good decision. You know, it's so funny. That's that God consciousness, that vital sixth sense that I've developed through just getting down on my knees and asking my higher power for direction, you know exercise in his will to the extent that I think he would have me. You know that's it that's what I do on a daily basis to stay sober and stay in fit spiritual condition. I listen to that little guy in the back of my brain you know giving me right direction So for me first up Tim I remember when I was making amends and I had finished four and five, and I met with my sponsor to read step 10. She handed me a little gift bag with a packet of five notebooks and new pens and a candle. And she's like, now the real work begins. And I was like, what? I don't want this gift. You take this back. And what she was saying, you know, she started laughing. And then she was like you know we did all this writing in four and we shared all this stuff in five and then we suffered through six and seven and now you're going to do all that every day and you're gonna start practicing it on a daily basis and um it was hard for me you know I've I've been through this process and I know what it feels like to rest on my laurels and not work 10 and I ended up having to write again you know that's what happened to me like I wasn't willing to do 10 and 11 on a daily basis I didn't think I needed to do it on a day-to-day basis I was like I feel good I feel great everything's great how was your day great everything is good all the time that was my answer all the I'm good I'm great everything's great no I'm not drinking everything's fine no major drama you know but but it talks about it here like we have to continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear and I'm self-centered to my core and so it's real subtle for me today you know and so what happens for me is like I'll give you a couple examples from last week you know it's like I have my own agenda you know Jeff has his agenda I have my agenda and then we got these three kids in the middle that we gotta like shuffle around to like 10 million activities a day and you know sometimes my agenda feels like the most important and I don't really care about Jeff's agenda that feels irrelevant to me and it's inconsiderate and it is selfish and sometimes I need to I need just stop and at the end of night I'm like I'm really sorry that I didn't do X Y & Z you know I'm sorry that i didn't give you enough time to like eat dinner before your meeting or whatever you know it's like it's so easy for me like I don't know about you but like that selfishness is like so strong for me that like I can step on the toes of others all day long it's like a lot of work for me to not do that you know it's really feels like a lot some days and I'm and I do this stuff all the time so imagine what I'm like when I'm not doing it no I'm like not one of these people that bounces out of bed happy like I wake up like Miz you know and it's like work for me to like be happy Joyce and free I like am so jealous of people that are just like happy all the time because it's like it's work for me to be happy all the time and part of that work is when I mess up I have to go back and fix it and like you know last week I was like we've been so busy like life has been on hyperspeed for the last couple weeks and you know like Jeff said we have a lot going on with the kids work is bananas like we're so lucky to be busy but it's a lot you know and like where at work and we're like talking about something me and my partner. And like, I'm getting fresh, you know? And she can feel it. The other girls in the office can feel It. And I'm like so detached from it. Like I can't even feel it, you know. And so what this work looks like for me is I come out of work. I feel like awkward about it. I mean, in the moment we talked about it and we addressed it, but I have that shame, you You know, so then I feel like crappy about how I behave. So then I have to quickly, you know, I have this app. It's my spiritual toolkit app. I'll quickly write it out. Sometimes I send it to my sponsor. Usually I send heto my sponsor . Sometimes I need to talk about it and sometimes I don't. You know and like right after work I was able to pick up the phone and be like, I just need to apologize. Like I was rude today. And she's like, yeah, no big deal. Don't worry about it. We dealt with it in the moment because I'm blessed that I get to work with someone that also does this work on a daily basis, you know. And sometimes it's to someone who has like – I've had to do it with clients. I've been able to call clients and be like, I'm really sorry, I'll tell you this funny story. A couple of weeks ago this guy called me and I'm an interior architect and we were installing this job and the contractor couldn't get the tile up on the wall or whatever so they FaceTime me and he's like the tiles not going in the shelves aren't going in we're supposed to be starting an install the next day and he is like do you want to see the wall and I'm like no I know what a blank wall looks like and like I didn't even think like that's like so ridiculous to say to somebody like that and I didn' t even register in my brain how rude I was being until everyone in my office was giggling like bleh Jess is on a tear you know and like I had to text that guy back I feel like I'm really sorry I was so rude I'm just really frustrated with the contractor he's like don't worry about it but you know sometimes it's to people in the program which are like the easiest people and sometimes it's like some random guy on a job site that I was rude to because I'm not getting my way and it's hard like I'M A BOSSY LADY AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN I DONT GET MY WAY and I have that attitude problem in seconds but this step is the one that teaches me that like I can go back right away and I cannot go back and then I could sit with it but it feels yuck it feels Yucky for me and then feel awkward and then avoid people and I start doing weird stuff and I don't want to live like that today and I've done that in sobriety like I've been multiple years in sobriet not going back and taking care of things as they happen right away sitting in it for days. And what do I do? I obsess about it for days and days and I'll call my sponsor and tell her and she's like, did you go back to that person? And it's like no. And she's like, do you think it's a good idea to go back and talk to that person? It's like probably but I don't want to. I would much rather obsess about this shit 24-7. I'd rather stay sick. no and like i you know today it's a choice you know like my my goal here is like jeff said to my next function is to grow an understanding and effectiveness and it's not an overnight matter i have to continue continue continue to practice this and there are some days where i feel really willing to do it and those are the days that i'm like getting out of bed and getting on my knees and inviting god into my day and i'm pausing and inviting God in throughout the day and I still might be fresh, but I can still go back and I can still like apologize for my behavior and try to do better. Like that's really all I can do today, you know, is to try to keep my side of the street clean, you know? And it's hard, like it talks about like the love and tolerance of others is our code. It's hard. Like for me a lot, sometimes I find, you know, I'll have, it's harder not to have expectations on people. Like I feel like you should be doing do-do-do. And if you're not doing it, it's hard for me to keep that to myself. And it's harder for me, like, to stay in my own lane and mind my own business and stop trying to control, like everything. And, you know, all I can do is like keep this stuff in the forefront and keep myself connected to other people that are doing this work this way so that I'm constantly remember reminding you know remembering like I need to take action you know vigorously they use such strong words like these are such like short paragraphs and there's so much in them there's so much In them. And you know, it's funny, like they spend all these pages talking about one through nine, and then one paragraph or 10 that sums up one through nine. And how you're going to do it on a daily basis you know and it's like oh man when when Mara said that to me like you know now the real work begins and you're going to do this all the time it was like but that's what that reprogramming of my brain was for right like I did all that writing and forth to reprogram my brain so that it's not a two-year process you know it's a two second process the minute I step on someone's toes I can be aware of their reaction know I did something wrong and immediately take care of it and move on with my life it's really simple it's a really simple program but I can really over complicate it this alcoholic can really overcomplicate it and um you know the gift of doing this is like Jeff said like we get to be in that that place of of neutrality today And, like, for me, like I've had multiple times in sobriety where I thought drinking would be a good life decision. And I remember I was telling someone this earlier. Like I think, like around six years I almost drank when my dad was dying. Like on his deathbed he was like, you know, you were just an effed up kid. You're not an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic and you're not. You just hung with the wrong kids. and that messed me up for like at least a year after that happened I mean that just like was in the back of my head like you know what I didn't even get to have a legal drink when I was one year sober for my 21st birthday I was in Ireland sober like I should have drank I didn'T get to drink you know and you're right maybe I just hung with the wrong crowd like maybe I could socially drink now and my friend was like going out and she was socially drinking now and I was like, I think I could have a glass of wine at these cocktail parties I go to for work. And I was thinking about it for a while because I wasn't working this step. I was in a period of my sobriety where I was resting on my laurels and I remember coming home and talking to Jeff about it and I Was like, what would you think? How would you feel if I just like you know every once in a while socially had a glass of wine and he looked at me and thank god he was not resting on his laurels at this time because he looked up at me he's like that you may not be an alcoholic you might be a social drinker but I'm the type of alcoholic that cannot be married to a social Drinker so if you decide to have a social glass of wine you'll be choosing to leave this house and leave these kids and leave this family because I can't be around alcohol like that and I was like what like if I start socially drinking wine you're gonna leave me he was like yeah I was like I mean you know that was it that was the end of that you know what I mean that was like a year of entertaining that and now I'm moving on because I don't want to give up the life that I'm so lucky to have today and no And not long after that happened, like I got back into the work and started doing this all over again. And it's changed my program. It's so easy for me to like get lazy with this and not want to do it. But it says here like what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. It's just one day. That's really all this work, like all it ensures me is one day of sobriety. Like I thought I was going to do this work and just be cured and God bless and good luck. And I could just not do so much all the time. And the reality is we do all this work so that we can do it faster in real time on a daily basis. And we do all this work just so we can function like the normal people out there in the world that aren't stepping on the toes of others and having them retaliate all the time. You know, I remember, like, living with this girl in college, not an alcoholic. Like, she's from Minnesota. She's, like the nicest person you'll ever meet. And she's big into church. And, like she would just do this, like all the time. And I remember one time asking her, like are you an AA? and she was like no and I was like are you in another program and she's like no but how do you do this work and she is like that's just being a good Christian and I'm like I'm a Christian I didn't live like this I had to go to AA and do a lot of work to learn how to be a good Christian it's like we do all this just so we can like cohabitate with other people in the world out there you know and that brings us to our next step which is through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him praying only for his knowledge for his will for us and the power to carry that out and you know step 11 it's like a lot of times you'll kind of hear, like, 10 and 11 kind of get confused. Like, 10 is in the moment. Like immediately I make a mistake and immediately I'm going to take care of it, you know? And 11, like it starts at night because I've already taken care of the drama that I've caused and fixing that during the day. So then it talks about here like step 11 suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly like my friend Danny from Minnesota you know it works if we have the proper attitude to work at it it would be easy to be vague about this matter yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions and so here they give you the suggestion for the nightly inventory you know when this was broken down these next like couple paragraphs they were broken down to me as introspection and then intention and inspiration I heard someone say that at a meeting and I was like wow that's really insightful I'm going to write that down and so you know it talks about like how we do a nightly inventory the instructions are right here and when Mara gave me those notebooks she gave me like a nice little cheat sheet that literally just takes the questions right out of here and puts it on a cheat sheet for me so that I can you know hand write it out and and and she was a fan of the pen and paper and my my current sponsor is also a fan a fan of putting pen to paper um she feels she always says that magic happens when she puts pen to paper I'm of the lazy variety and so I use the my spiritual toolkit app because I you know I'm lazy and for me typically like how I maintain this work now is like I'll do 10 during the day and then if I have a resentment I'll write it out in 10 and then If I'm feeling jacked up, I do the nightly inventory and I do do it at night. But most days I do it in the morning because at night when I hit the pillow, usually I'm so frigging exhausted that the idea of trying to pick up a pen and a notebook or a phone to do an inventory, it's just not a sustainable thing for my practice currently where my life is with three young children. We get up most mornings at five. and so like I'm in a coma by like 9 30. So what was happening for me is I wasn't able to like maintain the nightly inventory and then I was beating myself up about it and then I went to this meeting and I heard this girl Grace talk about how she did her 10 step her 11 step inventory in the morning and I was like what a great idea. I'm up early I could do it in the morning I didn't know you could do it in the morning and she gave us this format that she used and so I've been using that ever since I heard her speak on it a couple years ago and I'll tell you like it's really helped me integrate it into like a really more regular daily practice and I've shared some of the girls that are in my group, my family, they use it and I'm going to tell you, like you'll hear people talking about having a 10-step buddy or people that they share their inventories with. And I used to hear people talk about that and be like, what is that? Like, what isthat? You know? And basically what it is is when you do that inventory and you share it with your sponsor and a few people and then they send it back to you, it helps you stay in it. And so I've become like a part of this network where I get a couple inventories at night or in the morning and then it reminds me that I need to do mine because i can't tell someone to do something that i'm not doing and that keeps me in the work and i'll tell you if i didn't have those women in my life sharing their inventories with me i will tell you 100 i would not be doing it facts you know my when when i have people stop and then i stop i'll have my sponsor rocks it at work in these two steps which is why she's my sponsor and she'll say to me hey i haven't seen a 10 or 11 step in a while and i'd be like hmm, that's because I'm killing it. I'm feeling great, you know? But the instructions are right here in 86 in this first big paragraph when it says, we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? what could we have done better were we thinking of ourselves most of the time or were we thinking of what we could do for others of what we could pack into the stream of life but we must be careful not to drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others and then here's the prayer it says after making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken And so it's like that example of, like, when I was fresh to Carolyn at work and I called her at 5 to apologize and I'd already written out in a spot check inventory, like what I did wrong. Then at night I could review it, you know, and see not to beat myself up just to see, like where what I can do next time. Like next time this situation arrives, how can I handle this differently? And it's, like thank God I did that because the next day when she wanted to talk about it, and I want to die on the inside, I'm able to sit there for the conversation instead of immediately Irish exit the conversation, which is what I used to do. And it talks about here what corrective measures should be taken. And that's that clearing up of any shame. And for me, that shame stuff is tough. It's really tough for me. But it's like Jeff said. Like, I don't want to continue to carry this stuff on and on and on. You know, I want to clear it up right away and get rid of it because, you know, it's like Pauline said, like, I'm only as sick as my secrets, you know? And then the next paragraph is that intention we're going to set. So that's where the morning meditation comes in. And they say here, like on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask, there's the prayer, God, to direct our thinking especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motives you know and this is like this is how I started like my meditation practice was my instructions were to read 86 and 87 I was supposed to read 86 388 every morning and um I did that for a long time for years I did that and uh that's how i started like a meditation practice and and it's i've since grown and changed in that and like i was taught to just be a spiritual seeker and so i've tried a lot of different things like um we do a nightly meditation mostly because my brain i have like raging adhd i'm sure you can't tell and um like at night my brain is going like a million miles an hour and I need it to stop so I can sleep and so we have this like app that has like a nightly meditation built into it he's usually comatose by the time I hit play and uh like it helps me calm down and unwind at night and it's gotten to the point where like I almost can't fall asleep without it now you know and in the morning um most mornings I get to do like there's been times in my life where i've been able to do like i was talking to a girl earlier like when my children were young young like the first two i you know we like to make it real crazy so we had like a kid every two years for like six years so we have like three kids two years apart and the first two years like i remember calling my sponsor and being like i like cannot do a morning meditation i just keep falling back asleep like it's just not a thing that's happening and there's so much to do between feeding and changing and da-da-da. And she was like, it's okay, you know, like it's okay. And so, you know, there's been times in my life where I've been able to get up in the morning early so that I'm up before the kids and I can do like a nice little 10 minute meditation to start my day. And then there's days like my kids went through this phase where it was like they were trying to one up each other who could get up earlier and get into bed with us. And it was like at like four o'clock in the morning you were like friends we gotta stop this is like getting crazy you know like I gotta sleep I can't get up and work out at 3 30 that's just not sustainable and um so it ebbs and flows for me and um I've tried like a bunch of different meditations and you have to find what's right for you there is like not one right way like you'll hear people talk about maybe trying an Eastern practice, you'll hear people talk about listening to different guided meditations or sitting in silence. I did this workshop on two-way prayer years ago, and that's a really cool thing. If you've never heard of that, look into that. And so it really doesn't matter what you're doing as long as you're doing something because I need to have that pause to invite God into my life on a daily basis, and a meditation practice is exactly what that does. You start to invite God in and help change me, help mold me, help shape me, help direct my thinking. And throughout this reading, you'll see if you look through it, it's like we ask, we ask. We ask a prayer. This thing is loaded with prayers in here. Do you want to continue on 11? meditation when I came into alcoholics and on it was such a dirty word you're going to meditate what? because my idea of meditation is sitting quietly and not letting any thought enter my mind and that's not what happens when I sit by myself in a room with my legs crossed and my hands like this with my eyes closed, right? Because that was my idea of meditation. When I hear that word, that's what meditation is, like some Shaolin monk in Tibet sitting in a cave, right, that's like, you know that conception of God? That was my conception of meditation when I came here. that's not what it is today, right? And I try to talk specifically to other men about that because I feel like women are all for it. You talk to a guy and they're like, whoa, whoa. They start looking at you and they start looking at you a little funny, like you might not be all there. And you're like it's really not that bad. You're just kind of sitting quietly with yourself. You should try it. And they're like, okay, sure. And it's not bad, come to find out. It's not letting no thoughts come into mind. It's nicht sitting there with your legs crossed in complete silence by yourself locked in a room. There's a whole bunch of different styles of meditation that you can employ to get whatever you need. You know, and I'm no guru, but I can sit and I can let thoughts flow through my mind, you know. And I can follow my breath in and out for a little bit. And when I start to do that practice, I can do it for a couple minutes. I can doing it for 30 seconds. I can it do it a minute. I can to it for couple minutes, right? and as time goes on it gets easier to sit there with myself because for the most part when I started I wasn't able to sit with myself I didn't like myself I didn't light those thoughts that were coming in and out I hadn't cleared anything out so all's I'm thinking about is all everything that happened throughout the day. All this stuff that I was thinking about, that meant absolutely nothing in my life. Those were the thoughts that were coming into mind. And today it's less about that. Not saying those thoughts don't fly in here and there, but I can recenter and start thinking about God and where I am in my family and where I am in AA and where I fit in this world. That's what it's really about. It's not sitting quietly forever. That is not how it works. That isn't how my mind works. In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration and intuitive thought or decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We're often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. Like I said, it doesn't happen overnight. It's not going to be all of a sudden I have this amazing prayer and meditation life. it takes a while and those thoughts or indecision come often in life it's not like everything goes the way that I plan all the time you know, I'm sitting up here and I, you know for my work, my phone's on 24-7 and it's been a crazy weekend for work, and I'm standing up here and I've got somebody calling me because there's an issue. And it's like, how am I going to sit here and talk about step 11, right? When I'm being pulled, my mind is completely somewhere else. You know, and I sent a text message and another guy told me don't sweat it. You know? And I stopped texting and I just took a minute. and I took a deep breath and I came back I came back into this room and back into step 11 you know that's that's what it is for me it's not some wild expectation of what meditation used to be for me you know some Shaolin monk sitting on a cliff in Tibet you know that's not what it is for me today. It's being able to get adjusted, right? That's what it's about. And these indecisions and thoughts that don't come immediately they become a working part of the brain when I do this for a while. You know, I didn't know how to deal with that situation. Do I walk out of here right now? because I was like, do I have to call this and walk out right now? It's like, that's going to be weird. But this is what I do. This is the path that I chose. It's not like I can just shut it off. And it's tough because I feel like I'm supposed to be there. I feel like I'm supposed to be there. And it's happened a couple times today. It's like, I have to trust and rely on my higher power, and I have to trust and relay on other people in my life to take care of things that I'm not available for all the time. As we go through our day, we pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, thy will be done. We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. And, you know, I got to tell you, I get trapped in a resentment or something. I get wrapped in thinking that I'm right and everybody else is wrong and that I'm going to direct the show and the lights and the extras and everything else so that it's going to go according to plan to suit me I get so exhausted I stop doing that at the end of the day I'm like man I'm not quite sure what I did today but I'm tired and in reality my mind was just turning and burning like the gears were going the smoke was coming out of my ears and I just couldn't get out of my own way you know I was getting all fired up over nothing somebody was renting space in my head and not paying but when I slow down for a minute and I ask my higher power to direct me I suddenly find that I'm not exhausted at the end of the day this situation that I'm going through isn't a mountain that I have to climb there's another way around and my higher power that God consciousness that I was talking about helps me find that other way that little voice in the back of my head that gets louder and louder the more I practice this thing gives me that thought that intuition points me in the right direction slows me down just enough so I can see where I'm wrong gives me just enough time to bite my tongue before I say something I really shouldn't say. And, you know, sometimes I say those things and I think it's hilarious. I think I'm being really funny, you Know? Because it was like a real good jab or something, You know? And it's not. It's hurtful, and people don't like it. But I think what's funny is for whatever reason, You Know? And step on the toes of our fellows. They retaliate. And this allows me to invite God into my life and, you know, just not be suiting life for myself anymore. It allows me a chance to do something else. To help other people. Right? And I'll just finish with this. We alcoholics are undisciplined. And so we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. So, you know, when you're doing this, you know on 87 in the second paragraph and it talks about the morning meditation, it says we usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that would be shown all throughout the day what our next step is to be. that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems we ask especially for freedom from self-will and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only may we may ask for ourselves however if others will be helped we are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work so it's funny like i remember in early sobriety i'd hear people talk about step 11 and i i was always thinking about that's a later step, you know. And one of my sponsors was like, you can start doing this right away, you know, and like we said, like it doesn't really matter how you practice it. It's just that you do it. And you have to find like whatever resonates with you. You know, when I first really started to integrate this like practicing step 11 into my life, you know was first I started years ago like with a yoga practice because it's hard for me like I told you I can't slow my head down. I have that ADHD. I'm a busy body so I heard someone talk about try yoga actually Jeff Sponsor who told me to try this yoga studio in JP or whatever he was going to and I was like okay I'll try it and it helped me because I was moving my body and I'm listening to the cues and whatever and that worked for me for a long while and it was a good like introduction and then I heard someone talk about how they would just walk in the morning you know they would walk and try not to listen to anything don't take any phone calls try not to like just try to clear your mind while you're walking and Jeff got me a dog and so here's the perfect opportunity I wanted like a 12 pound dog that I didn't really have to walk he got me like 110 pound dog but need a lot of exercise said a lot time that I could you know I could be on the phone I could be yakking up or I could try to be quiet and try to be present and try to be mindful and then I remember I got to a period of my sobriety where my sponsor was like I think you need to look into mindfulness you know and I was like what is that you know and she was like it's the practice of being present in the present moment because I'm going at a million miles an hour all the time and so she would teach me to do things like try to open the door with the opposite hand. Try to brush your teeth with the opposite hand. You know, in the morning when you're looking in the mirror, like try to do things on the opposite side and what it did was bring me into the present moment, right? And so she baby stepped me into meditation because she was teaching me how to be present in the moment because I couldn't sit, like to me sitting for a two minute meditation was just like not a thing that was going to happen for me you know I just like couldn't do it and I was like I don't have time for two minutes you know I can't do It and I just want you to know if you feel like you don't Have time for 2 minutes. You guys have done 10 minutes so far this weekend We've done five two-minute sessions, you know, so you're crushing it already and um And like I said, like it's just a matter of integrating this into your life and um Finding ways to do that And it can be as easy as just reading 86 through 88, which is what she had me do for a while. She just had me read these two pages. She told me, just sit down in a chair, get out of bed, don't lay in the bed, get up, sit down on a chair and just read these pages. And that's it. That's how we're going to start you on 11. I was like, I can do that. I can read it. And if you have the My Spiritual Toolkit app, it's right in there for you. So you really have no excuse not to do it. And I was, like, okay, I Can Do That. and then we then we we started working on mindfulness and then we slowly started to try to integrate like all right I'm going to do 30 seconds so I would commit to doing a 30 that sounds insane to me now like that I had to commit to doing a 32nd meditation but but that was a lot that felt like a lot for me at a point in my life 30 seconds of quiet and trying to clear my thoughts was a lot and so she taught me to memorize a prayer and just say it over and over and over and say the prayer over and that worked for me for a while now it's gotten to the point where I was saying to my sponsor last week we were on our call check in and I had done this beautiful morning meditation and at the end he ends with these 7 positive affirmations for your day like I'm going to be impeccable with my word I'm gonna be kind I'm wanna be calm literally I walk out of my bedroom and my son had taken a pair of scissors and cut his hair because he wanted to be bald and then my daughter was like losing her damn mind that she couldn't find a pair and my other daughter was about to miss the bus and I was like screaming like after a 10 minute meditation and I said to my sponsor I'm like at what point does this work like I'm up to 10 minutes and it's not working you know and the thing is like it is working because yeah I'm like, I yell because I'm like, what's happening? Because my house is like a three ring circus. If ever you feel like your life is boring, come on over to East Street. You know, we'll give you that reality check real quick. Like it's bananas at all times. I have one friend who comes to my house and she'll be like, I'm going to come out for a couple hours. She'll be there for like 15 minutes. She never takes her coat off and she's like, alright, it was good to see you guys. I gotta go. This has been great. The kids are great. you all look great it's good i'm out and i'm like why you know but it's bananas so like the fact that i can like not be screaming all day long is is a miracle you know and the fact that like yeah i can yell but then i can laugh like when he's like i want to be bald and i am like dude be bald go for it you know whatever you know my other daughter's like character of the week like the other day you know it's like you do all this stuff in the morning to try to stay calm and she's got a dress like Harry Potter and you're like she's like I need my glasses I need you to draw the lightning bolt on my head can you find the red marker to draw the lighting bolt on my head no I don't know where the red marker is I just you have to get on the bus I need you to leave like I need you to get out I don t care if you look like Harry Potter I don care what you wear to school you know and then like 10 minutes after she gets us to school I get a call from the school nurse Mrs. Smith yes does Molly have a prescription for the glasses I'm like are you kidding me right now she's like are they uh what'd she say are they costume or are they like prescription and I was like their costume she's wearing a robe and carrying like a wand around like what are you talking about and she'slike well I'm gonna have to take them off because they're not prescription. I'm like, dude, she's six. Like let her wear the glasses, call her Harry and let's move on with the day. Like if she's not bleeding from the eyes, I don't know why we're talking. Like good luck nurse, Subhi, you know what I mean? Like you have my kids till 3.30. And like, you now, so it's like I'll have, again, I'll this expectation that I'm gonna do this morning meditation. I'm going to float through the day and, like, everything's just going to roll off my back. And it's just not the world I live in currently, you know? But I'll tell you, if I didn't do this work, there'd be days where I would leave and not return and Jeff would be a single dad with three kids and chickens and a dog, you Know? And, like... I'd have to go... I'd be on a plane, you Now? And so, you now, I have to invite God into my life today. I have been asked to be divorced from that self-pity that dishonest, the self-seeking motives. Like it's so easy for me to fall into that self-pity. It's unreal how fast that happens for me. It's shocking to me every time. Like every time I'm like, how did I get here? You know, and you know, I have this amazing tool right here. You know when I start to feel that way like all I have to do is slow down and get quiet. Like that's what my sponsor is always saying to me. just get quiet you know slow down invite God in Billy D used to say to me all the time he'd go go slow baby go slow now you know and it's true like I just need to slow down and invite God in and like reading this over and over for a while like I learned like what to say when I'm like trying to quiet my mind you know it doesn't matter like what you're using but you can have a mantra for yourself like you you just find something you connect with and you practice that and it's gonna change you know as I've stayed sober like I've done so many different things I've don't like I'm done at one point I was doing like Brene Brown meditations I was doing like I I'm lucky that I have all these spiritual seekers in my life that are doing all sorts of woo shit all the time so everyone's sending me hey listen to this try this let's do this i'm like yeah let's go my best friend got into this lady in new york that does like a workout with a meditation and um i can if i really it she really resonated for her and i was like yeah i'll go this woman's changed my life with the way that she's taught me how to like integrate into my life, like slowing down and, you know, I'm so grateful for that practice and that tool and it's just more tools. So if you're doing something that's not working for you, find something else, talk to other people, see what they're doing and try it, you know, like you can try it and if you don't like it, it's okay. You just keep looking for something else until you find something that you can sustain and integrate into a daily practice. Just going to go back to page 82 in step 9. we feel that a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He's like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife he remarked don't see anything the matter here ma. Ain't it grand the wind stop blowing? And that's the way I came into this work was I stopped drinking. My life is okay. Leave me alone. all the chaos and everything else has stopped except for in here and I project whatever that was going on in here out on the world so anybody that was around me felt what I was feeling whether you wanted to or not because I made sure you did because if I'm not feeling too good you're entitled to not feel too good also you know and I found so much more than I bargained for in these steps working the steps the way that they're laid out in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous I found a life that was actually worth living and it's become completely amazing it's built a foundation for my own sobriety for our family for everything that I do in my life. That's one of my favorite lines in the book is that last, ain't it great that the wind stopped blowing? It's like, no. You still got to rebuild, buddy. You don't have a house. You got to build. You got a rebuild. And that's what we've done here. I've rebuilt. So that's all we have. wait before you go I have a special surprise for you I was going to bully you all into doing a 10 minute meditation and then I thought I'll give you the option so if you would like to join me I would liketo inviteyou back to the Wilson house to the back room and I would love to play for you a meditation that I find just so relaxing it's part of this program that we love to do and I find like I said there's all sorts of meditations you can find, but I would like to offer to share one with you that I've found really relaxing and one of the things that they've taught me in listening to these guided meditations is to set yourself up right and to set your space up right and I love that about this practice that we do and so when we go to the studio in New York they dim the lights they light candles, they light some palo santo and what that does for me is as soon as I smell it my body goes you know it's such a really special place I mean normally when we go the minute we walk into the studio I feel so relaxed I instantly start crying and I say to my best friend every time we go I'm like why what does this happen to me but it's because I feel safe and protected and I feel okay and like this morning I got to do the practice with Brenda and it's like I just felt immediately my body just goes you know and so I would love to share that opportunity with you for anyone that's interested in joining us and then of course after that you're more than welcome to play games and do whatever woo-hi parties, whatever they call it yippee party after a whoopee party thank you