Steps 10, 11 and 12 – Step-Tember to Remember Workshop – Part 1 of 7 – 2025 – Jack D.

He asked me to read, and I got all scared because I can't see shit now, so I have glasses. Steps 10, 11, and 12. We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have being dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect, but we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do not recount and almost relive the horror... Wait, for his sake we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them. So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and we have been given the power to help others. Alcoholics Anonymous, page 132. Thank you. Nice job, brother. Woo! Congrats. And here to come on up to bring us home with 10 and 11 and 12, somebody that I am fortunate enough to call a friend, Jack D from Baltimore, Maryland. Woo! Oh, man. Thank you God for this experience and thank you God for today and just help me wherever you got it store bro let's rock I'm Jack I'm an alcoholic I'm really really happy to be here I'm just I'm very happy I'm so really happy to be with all you people man I just really physically spiritually emotionally to be connected to anybody in the room to be present physically in a room where people are talking about what we've talked about today I was dead when I came to you I brought you a trash bag and a duffel bag and you gave me, you've given me everything that a guy like me could ever actually want or need I will think other thoughts but you've given me more than I could have ever even come close to knowing about existing because what you've shown me is what's been talked about today and it's internal and it is freedom and it was never even on the radar for a guy like me so thank you thank you to everybody that said anything today up here I am hanging out with my heroes and I am not just talking about the people that are talking but the people that are willing to be here Those of you that want to spend your day here together, because I want to be with you too. Those that are getting enthusiastic about something that really does, that really is the transformative power that really doesn't change lives. And I'm just, I just, this day has been incredible sitting there and just being a part of each conversation that has happened up here. And which is what it's felt like to me. And that's what we got. That's what we got for the end of this thing. You got what it felt like to Jack, basically, for an hour or so. It might get a little funny. It might be a little weird. Hopefully we may chuckle a little bit like our reading told us. This makes for usefulness. It's not always... This is grave, serious stuff. but there's a levity that we get to exist in that's incredible and everyone that said it I feel the same Cleo said it when she stood up here and I feel it the same way there is no reason for me to be here now there is nothing left to say that will not stop me from saying a bunch of things I want to be clear but there is something left to be said the message has been carried, the message is clear and I just think that that's so beautiful to be in a place like that so anybody that did anything to put this together thank you guys and ladies and people that took the trash out to help make this cake that apparently is just like the greatest cake known here in existence but just anybody that didn't do anything to be together or the willingness to come here so that there is some laughter while all these people got to talking and there's people to connect you while you're talking and you don't feel like you're talking to yourself. You know, just anybody that's got anything to do with anything, thank you. Because I need you. And from step one all the way through, it's just been, man. And there's too much to go into each one but I just hope you folks know how much the message deck of your experience means to a guy like me because I came here craving to have an experience like the one that you all talk so well about and I didn't even know that's what I was craving and people like you started to put it into words and it started to seem like something that I might actually be able to have your 12th step brought me here you know I'm the product of the other people in Alcoholics Anonymous living in 1011 and working in 12. That's why I'm here. It's very easy for me to just shoot into what about my experience, but there's only one reason why I ever stayed or was found any ability to sit down and listen to anything, and it's because of people, some of whom are literally in this room today talking about alcoholism alcoholism in a way that was actually personal to me and I could finally understand that I might be in a lot more trouble than I think I am. And as that started to take hold, there was just all of a sudden I was starting to hear and see things that I felt like I had never heard or saw. and uh i just feel you know i just feel incredibly fortunate um that that has been my experience and to still be alive and living and breathing to not only talk about it but to feel and to try to keep experiencing it you know um so 10 11 and 12 is a lot there's three steps it's a lot you know what i'm saying it just is i'm just like it's just it just is you know and um and i can tell you that there's one word that's been sitting on my heart for like 48 hours and it's the word ripples i don't know why i don'T KNOW WHY but just the ripple effects of of of people's 12-step work of love of god of whatever you want to feel about just this this this you know drop a pebble in the pond and watch the ripples go out just this like this feeling and that that idea like why shouldn't we laugh we've recovered and be given that power to help others like sometimes i think that i want to get back close to that line and rally up and just get fired up about that fact because that's so incredible for a guy that brought you a trash bag, a duffel bag and was given a death sentence. It's like, but that's not the life we're living today at all, at all. And even in my most recent time of being given only basically belongings that fit in a trash bag, not that long ago, I was able to have a completely different experience with just basically a couple changes of clothes and a laundry bag for a little while as a result of doing everything that's been talked about so far today and trying to sink in to these three simple numbers. I think just three simple numbers you know just sitting there you know like I just the devil other people's 12 step work like I don't even And know if my wife will ever fully be able to comprehend what being next to her as her let were in the, you know, we're sitting in the parking lot of this park getting ready to go into this memorial. And I'm like, she's not kidding about vibration. Terrified. But a power was flowing. that moved us out of that car and her into that room. Like what the demonstration of what other people do here, I can lose sight of how powerful it can be of what really it can mean for somebody, you know? And I want to stay close to that. I want honor that because it's like, I'm just so quick to talk about me and think about me and said, you know it's just like I just am here with myself so often like I just am and when there's moments and there's times and there is experiences where I look and I'm like what? The product of other people going through these steps and waking up and then being willing to carry a message. That product is me I am that like my mother gets a relationship with me because of you and what you've done. Sure, I had to put in some effort along the way, but let's be honest. If you don't show up and give me something that I can sink my teeth into, I'm not staying with you. I can't. It was so well said. I can. It's not that I don't want to. It's Not That I Don't Need To. I Actually Can't Do It. And when I finally have this experience, and my story is so similar and different, but similar more. Just, you know, I came and I left, and then I came back, and I tried to become a big shot. And I'm the guy that, like, 10 steps for a long time, for the first five or six years of my sobriety, were an effort to feel better. And I're not saying that they're not still that way often. I'd be lying when disturbed. Like, I take action because I don't want to be disturbed. I'm not just this, like... It's only for God's sake to be closer to me. No. Like, if I notice a disturbance and I don'T want to BE disturbed anymore, so I'm taking action but like and Cleo mentioned it like I had this sponsor and like we got up into 8 and 9 and I just, I never did 8 and 9. I systematically switched sponsors for 5 years, 5 times. I never did the amend steps. I finally got with this one guy and I like started and he had me in a way that no one had ever had me you know? And I think about who his sponsor was Charlie, you know and I think about who his sponsor is now, Chris. And I think about people that I now work with. It's just like this weird but like he had me but then I would bring him some conduct stuff or I'd bring him something in the community in step 10 and he would give me considerations and I would just, it didn't take long to stop calling him. It didn't take long for me to stop bringing this information to him. I don't want to be that honest. Big dog. Like that's cool man that like it's all everything but like this isn't my, that's not my deal I'm not trying to like oh I'm 20 whatever and single man you know like this Isn't about you know it's not about how I'm treating these people It's about the fact that I'm having an honest conversation with them before I use them. In what world is that real Jack? The world that you've created Jack I don't want to hear that kind of stuff I am so glad that he brought that then never back down and that I didn't die before I ended up back at the table with him because when I came back to the table we were sitting in he was still in the same seat but i felt like i was sitting just a slightly bit differently you know i'm saying because now the table hasn't changed the person i'm sitting across from hasn't really changed but my positioning has changed i will now listen to you bro now i'll listen you know and how do i remain sponsorable you know how do I remain sponsorable 10 and 11 have a lot to do with that for a guy like me that's along with a lot of other stuff that people talk to that today which is a lot wrapped into what but like how do i stay in that position i don't always i'm the guy i'm just man i'm so fortunate to have not died i am so fortunate i have tried so hard to spit in the face of alcoholics anonymous and the loving hand of god has done nothing but wait for me and then help me when i finally surrendered again and just asked for my heart. Because I'm the guy, I'm the guy that could put the tie on at nine months sober and get the people to laugh at the front of the room and then literally systematically try and get into the direct messaging portal of every young lady I met that evening in that meeting. I wasn't worried about where you were on a spiritual path. I wasn't talking about how we may be able to be helpful to each other. I was systematically trying to use Alcoholics Anonymous to get in front of yet another thing that I was going to use to serve myself. This is not the guy you want to be in AA. And if you're on that path, just know I love you. Even if there's people saying terrible things about you, they said them about me too. Like, it's true. but i too lack power i too experience what chad thought i too have everything that's been discussed and until i finally had an experience like the one that we've heard about up through nine today the awareness the ability to watch in 10 what am i even looking for like it just it wasn't ever fully there and when you're walking around with a ton of unmade amends what are what What's 10 and 11 really look like? I get quiet, and what do I think about? The 96 people I owe money to. You know what I'm saying? It's like, oh man, you know what i'm saying, it's like I hope Cleo didn't make too many people not be able to sleep well at night for just dropping 31 grand in Norfolk. You know, but like all the conduct that's been going on, the stuff in my browser history that I'm actually hiding from human beings. You know, just like stuff I'm unwilling to talk about. Why are you unwilling to tell me that, Jack? Because it's not appropriate? Oh, maybe that definitely sounds good. It might be because you're terrified of the reality of it or you're scared of what they may think of you because what you're doing is objectifying humans while talking about spiritual principles out of the other side of your mouth. It doesn't go well. it doesn't and I just so until I have a full experience and get clear and do exactly what these people have talked about in a very similar fashion to the way they talked about it, thank God I don't really have that much of a hope up here I'm the guy that just starts trying to sponsor people listen to me listen to me listen to me, you know what I'm saying, listen to me, this is not, and you're not, and you better, and da-da-da. I don't know how it was attractive to anyone, but like I just, no, you make a joke, and then come on, now you're calling me, ha-ha, and your calling me, and they're all gonna stay with me, it's gonna be good, it'll be fine, we're gonna help each other, this This is about helping people. I've only left out a quarter of the entire program, which is only 12 things. I've already left three or four entirely off the table other than that. It's going to be great. And, of course, it wasn't great. Of course, when I just use you like I use you, like I used you, like I using me, like what I'm doing, like I did that, like i used what brought me to my knees in the first place to come meet you guys. But what happens to bring me to a place where I'm finally willing to watch and it's everything that we've heard about today and then watching becomes something that is like this is a necessity, right? 10 and 11 ceased to be a luxury. It became a necessity. We've heard that line before. It's like this the truth though. Doesn't that happen? Doesn't it finally happen to me where I had such a powerful experience getting free I didn't want to get unfree. I didn't want not all the way back asleep man, I know I am a drinker I am, there is no doubt I'm a napper, I'm just trying to not go all theway back in the dirt like I'mjust trying to stay above and awake so that I maybe can be awake when I meet the guy like I met when I first got here this morning so I can see it and I can know for some reason I'm being drawn to go talk to this guy and I start talking to him we start connecting and we have this powerful conversation about drinking again from a place of not drinking and an accident that he'd been in. And then our, our talk kind of where we're hanging out and then it ends. And the Nicoletta gets up and delivers a first step talk in which she uses specific words that we had just had a conversation. And I got with that guy again after that talk outside and seemingly some things from that talk supplanted into him that may grow into and experience for him this time. That is my prayer. But God, keep me awake enough to know that even today, even this morning, where it looks like you're getting up to put a tie on, Jack, no, you're not. And my sponsor's very clear with me. You keep your eyes open, Jack. You're the point man. You are an agent. You got a job to do. And what's that job, man? What a cool job. What a cooler job. What a good employer. what a good deal this is. I brought you nothing and then tried to ruin it, you know? Seriously, just you can't help it, you know, it's like, I got to be a big shot, I got out of Los Angeles, go to Los Angeles. What are you going to do in Los Angeles? Well, I'm going to get paid to help people. Of course you are. Of course, yeah. What else, you know what I'm saying? Like sure, because you got help for free so now you need to go figure out a way to profit off of everybody trying to get help for fee. Of course You do, Jack. What else would you do? What else could you do, Jack, with the gift that I was giving to you freely. Figure out a way to get paid off of it. Make sense? This is who and what I am. This wasn't from some genuine desire to go help people in an industry where people actually need to work and be helped. Of course, people need... That's not what I... No, no, no. I'm going to use you to line my pockets and to make my Instagram look great and to be able to go wherever I want and use human beings to continue to fill a hole in me that I have not been willing to fill with God yet and who wants to say that only in hindsight you know and as a result of living that way it's almost like a direct result of not doing 10 11 like it really is you know but it's like but i know that there was an experience that had lacked in everything else that's been talked about today in one through nine that really put me in a position of 10 11 were not on the table in any like meaningful way i could sit quietly man i went and saw some cool people i listened to some cool stuff i got introduced with some cool ideas i spent time with people that are at people it doesn't it it doesn'T matter for me because still now the manner of living is what is concerning here and that that's just a tricky thing because like it's because i just am obsessed with how i feel and if i feel good i am good really you know like let's let's look at and it just oh man and i end up in this place where i have never seen so much material stuff and it's not as much as somewhere in a really nice area i'm not gonna but for me i came to aa at 23 i had been a bus boy i could never even get from bus boy to server six months at a job when you're about to get the servant they always found me out. You know what I'm saying? They just, I'm drunk. I'm in the bathroom for like four and a half hours. And they're just like, sorry, man. I'll go bus table somewhere else. There's not a wrong with being a bus boy, but I wanted to be a server man. Couldn't do it. Couldn'T get there. CouldnT get there, get to A. And I'm working at a grocery store and I get a phone call, man, you went, and of course I'm going to go to Los Angeles where I feel like I should have been called to like 25 years prior. You don't say, of course, I'M GOING TO GO TO THE LAD, YOU KNOW, WHERE LIKE of what ever dude milk and honey or fame and fortune or money or something other than where I am something other than here and now. I'm running from an amends list that's as long as my leg I got conduct in the community I'm currently living in at this point I roll out no 10 there's no 11 there's you know 12 is I'll tell you what to do step work wise out of the big book. That's what I had this is a very important piece but an intellectual understanding and explanation of something that needs to be experienced in the heart is like I could help other people start to have one but eventually it's interesting they just all kind of found someone else to work with you know good for them and you end up finally reaching a place where I'm willing to go back and do everything and see everyone and finally experience what I hadn't ever experienced, you know? And as a result of that selfishness and dishonesty and resentment and fear and self-righteousness and self... These words started to take on new meaning. And my internal condition started to be something that I had never experienced before. And the way I was showing up in the life of the woman who I loved and my family and people in AA And I just started to see, like, it was almost like out of body. Like you just start to be like, whoa, dude, that's really you. Like that's pretty, you actually just did, well, that, wow. Like that is what integrity means. But if you don't do X, Y, and Z, then this is just that understanding of I will always return back to who and what I am if I don't stay spiritually active, spiritually disciplined. You use whatever word makes sense to you. But do not stop asking yourself what they mean to you. Continue to do that. Because, like, I can get so wrapped around what I think you think they mean. But there is one in this room who must experience a connection with God, and that one is I. I'm the one that's got to stay awake. I'mtheonethat'sresponsibletostayawakeinmylifenow. I've got a wife who deserves and needs that. I got parents who deserve and need that. I have an employer who deserves to be served, a small company that I tried to leave to go be a big shot in California that asked me back to try to help it grow and we've now been back there six years. Like I, there are, I got a home group to be a part of, I got men to demonstrate for, there are people in the world once we start walking this path who are watching us and oftentimes we don't ever really get to meet them. this is a scary thought for a man like me who moves as quick as i do and things fall out of my mouth poorly regularly you know what i'm saying like what's it like to actually slow down well as a result of the life that i lived in california and finally going back through the steps and being in the middle of the amends process i get arrested by the fbi i was here a year ago, standing right here a few weeks out from going into federal prison for a year. As a result of completely sober behavior, selfish, driven by, I created a healthcare fraud scheme that was patient brokering and lab kickbacks in the treatment industry. All I didn't get exposed to that industry anyone else but here man good people carrying a message out of a book you know it's just like but anyway I have to go I end up finally getting the opportunity to go to sentencing didn't feel like an opportunity at the time Chad we got that same sponsorship type thing I'm just happy they're talking the same way I am, I'm happy they are still talking to him this way Because the word opportunity in my house, I hear regularly on the other end of the phone. I'm just like, okay, game. This is another opportunity. No, of course it must be. This must be an opportunity. That's where it is. This is a gift, right? This is something special. Well, it feels like I'm going to federal prison camp, man. And he sat across from me at Mission Barbecue before I went and he said, I believe the greatest thing that's going to happen while you are there is this may be an incredible experience in a new speed for you. You may finally get the opportunity to slow down. Man, and how often my conversations with my sponsor in 10 steps circle around needing to slowdown. at work, at home with what I say with how I act all types of stuff that may be just like little ideas and little things that pop out of your mind little mannerisms and stuff that I'm not even awake to and he was right I got a certain amount of minutes on a phone and the majority of those minutes I called my wife while I was there I talked to Dana, my sponsor a few times in seven months on the phone He drove six hours each way and came visiting me a few times. You want to talk about a demonstration of the 12-step? Six hours each away to come sit with me for an hour and a half and talk to me about his life. Let's talk about someone that's clear on what I've been thinking about for the last two months since I've seen him. Me. I'd say, yeah, lay it on me, bro. Come on, tell me what's going on. What's going wrong? What's wrong? What's gone on? Please tell me about you. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, but him coming and sitting in a visitation room and watching that this man share with me stuff that's happening in his life that being just, I didn't come here asking for relationships like that. I didn'T know what it was like to have relationships like That. I didn' t understand that physical proximity had nothing to do with the connection of the heart and the bonding of spirits through this type of action. I had no idea what it Was going to be like and feel like to truly exist in the fellowship of the Spirit. I did not know that. You showed me that. I owe you my life and everything that's good for that and now that demonstration is being brought while I'm in a green jump shoot in a plastic chair sitting across from the guy that's always the guy that I go to with something and now he's bringing me the depth of his experience of some real stuff that's happening within his life and I am just blasted. What a gift. What a gifted and the clarity of the guy across that chair for me in these three steps to be able to deliver. I just, and the experience in there was wild. Especially with these three steps, it's hard not to think about that time just because like I spent so much time in quiet. The only book that I was able to walk through the gate with was a pocket size 12 and 12. He didn't let me keep anything else but he knew something and he let me take that book in with me and I'm standing there going in the chat line terrified. What am I gonna do with the chat? God help me, God, help me. God, I'm going to get food. Who am I going to sit with? I can't sit with a Detroit car. The Baltimore car is a little intense. They're over there. That's fine. They know that I'm from Baltimore. I don't really know what God helped me. I don' t know what to do except for just read this book. I just start reading the St. Francis prayer over and over and over again. Before I know it, five days, eight days, nine days in there, I' m sitting in my cement cube looking out this weird window at absolutely nothing. And I'm weeping because I can feel the love of God flowing through me and into that facility, and I'm visualizing power and love oozing through me out into this place and down the hallways and over to wing two and up to wing three, back to wing four, out in the courtyard into the people that I'm terrified of and it's not just sitting there like what what did you people what did You do to me God You are so good and this prayer just bubbled up from inside of me and I wrote it and it was just God thank You for everything that You've taken from me thank You For everything that you've given me thank you for everything That You've withheld from me please help me to try and trust You more always and be a better steward of Your will amen and just sinking into that and knowing somewhere so deep that there was no one and nothing that could touch that place ever and knowing that I am there I am that I exist there when all this isn't going on these steps can bring us to a place where we can even touch something like that man what are you talking about and I brought you a trash bag and a duffel bag. You give me an experience where I'm just like, what? And the demonstration of some of these guys that came to see me, you want to talk about 12-step work? You want to stand here and talk about all the people that I sponsor? Some of the men that came there and walked into that visitation room and got background checks and came and sat there with me so for four hours on Sundays I didn't have to just keep thinking about myself. you know what I'm saying people just love me the words they don't do it, they don's get there the word they're not enough what an experience to have you know I'm sitting in a room right now today in this very moment where if we're going to use the sponsor words and this idea that my grand sponsor is here and a man who was sponsored by a man who was sponsored by a man that I sponsor is also here. The latter piece of this are men I was reconnected with as an assault of being arrested by the FBI put on pre-trial release in Baltimore and by the intuitive thought of my wife as we approached a federal courthouse to get arraigned three days after being arrested by the FBI she paused and decided we're going to move our whole life to Maryland we're not going to go back to California. And as a result of that this Thursday I got to see this dude tell me about the six amends he made in Annapolis last weekend and watch him walk into this meeting looking like a different person, glowing, floating. My man's vibing. And I'm sitting just like, I'm not having this experience in that moment. I'm just stoked for him. But I sat here today and it just started to wash over me. I'm Just humbled, man. I'm JUST humbled. I'm sat down. I can't stop crying. You know what I'm saying? My heart's just so full. What a thing to end. That's not because of me. Let's be very clear. But you've given me a process and shown me something that allows me to be a part of that. Yeah, I literally, please remember trash bag and duffel bag is what I brought. And what has been returned? You want to talk about ROI? I mean, what's going on, man? Only God can pay dividends like this. but our literature is clear you know what I'm saying I've got to give away the whole thing how? stay awake, how? 10 and 11 be willing for what that shows me to be willing to start walking the dog back down the hill I probably might need to write a little something I may need to find another little time in 6 and 7 soon that might look like having to have a conversation some most recent experience with that we're in Texas visiting my wife's sponsor okay just want to make sure this is very clear this is not my sponsor we're sitting around and we're standing around the island in their kitchen talking about inventory I'm like inventory okay talking listening and all of a sudden this experience starts happening where Cleo's grabbing a piece of paper and then we're being shown a new way to look at some stuff. The next thing you know, within 48 hours I have a piece in inventory written on Cleo. And I'm now sitting at a table outside with Cleo sponsor sharing that piece of inventory with her. Not because she's going to see further into our relationship and manage our relationship and make us better apart. No. Because I trust the intuition of that human being and I value the level of honesty that's coming back and I know that I'm probably asleep to a bunch of stuff and man yeah for real whoa just like you know Marty it's just like it was it just started so well getting to know you and now that we sit here at this table I feel pretty bad like I don't this isn't and it wasn't like bang bang bang you know what I'm saying like you're a terrible human no but it's like what's it what's the point what's is like for a guy like me who used humans here right to sit across from your partner your wife's female sponsor and be honest about the thoughts that can flow through my mind in the gym about the thoughts that I can't control that happen about the deepest darkest things that can go what's that like to sit there I never knew but I freeing is the answer freeing and awakening and a realization and like why am I so scared to bring that to someone of that gender that's going to give me some stuff that I could like you start to get an experience and a perspective of something that like I never had enough respect for any human being to do something like that. But being brought to a place through what's happened here to be in relationship with a power that can move a self-centered, fear-driven human using individual like me to a places to be sitting at that table to try to stay more awake and continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness. A miracle has taken place And the age of miracles is right here, right now. We are in it. We have heard about it all day. And when we roll out of here in just a few short minutes, we get to go bask in it and live in it and bump around in it and mess up in it and be wrong and have to come back and promptly admit things and get to take different types of time in the morning and in the evening and whenever, wherever and pause and intuition and start to get different experiences where you start to see there can actually be space between me and my thought life. There is room between me and thoughts. Just an interesting thing to start and like and these little simple ideas turn into profound deep experiences with the same thing I was looking for in a bottle of Jack Daniels and definitely what I was looking for in some really good blotter LSD. I love AA, and I respect singleness of purpose. I'm like, good Lord, man. I just loved going really far, really fast, and getting in touch with somebody that could just make me laugh and feel at one with everything. That's why I love drinking a half a fifth of Jack. I just could never stop. And by the end of the fifth of jack, it's just a version of Jack we don't want to see. Not fun, not pretty. He's pissing on us. It's just all bad. All bad. On top of vehicles, the same type of thing. I wasn't naked with Bombay Sapphire. I was just trying to start a riot with Jack Daniels. You know what I'm saying? I didn't know that that type of connection, that that kind of experience was even available here. And I want to be really clear. Like, I don't live there all the time. It doesn't, like, I do not. I am not saying that you cannot or some people do not, but my experience is I do NOT. And I think a big part of the reason why I do Not is because of 12. Because I have got to stay with you. I got to stay with you. I got a sit right there. If I stand up here for an hour and put a tie on, tie comes off, I sit down. I'm with you, we are. We have commenced shoulder to shoulder on a common journey. Not a hierarchical one, but a common one. You know? And I want to remain, for sake of a better word, a commoner. I want the common journey with my common people, man. Doing common stuff but having extraordinary experiences as we engage in a common solution. And getting to shout about them and talk about them and cry about them and laugh about them and also have some really sad stuff happen. You know? And really scary stuff happen and get to watch people that you walk with stand in the face of scary stuff and still tell us the truth about what's really real. And that demonstration, the 12-step work that just... There's a lot of ways to talk about that. but it just continues to, like, other folks' demonstration. I want to continue to grow in honoring and sitting with and just kind of loving on a little bit more. And I'm not talking about worshiping people in any way, shape, or form. But I just, like... Man, the kindness of strangers, you know? when I think about I go to my sponsor and then I go to his sponsor right who passed away and we go back and we got and we get back to him and we know who helped him and we keep going back and then we're in like the thirties you know and we're looking at like we're lookin' at two guys some real OG showing up to a court hearing trying to grab young Ebby, telling the judge, hey man, we got something by helping this guy just before you lock him up. And he traced that guy back to getting a failed dose of something from a psychologist who didn't even really know fully what was happening and it's like you trace that all the way down to where i stand today man you know what a thing to be a part of and just a link in the chain that keeps rolling you know i must do that me not honoring that we got some stuff to talk about bro if we're not willing to honor that which has happened to bring me let's talk about why i'm not saying and you're bad, but let's talk. There may be some things that we could examine that need to get out of the way because it's harder to get more fired up about much than watching other people get well, watching other People Get Well, helping other people Get Well. Than watching small communities grow up around you when you never wanted to come back to the city. I wasn't coming back to Baltimore from Playa del Rey. One town down from Venice Beach, literally on the ocean. Like, let me go back to Baltimore. You know what I'm saying? Literally, three weeks before I got arrested, in the middle of this process, starting to wake up again, I said, Cleo, we're never moving back to Baltimore, ha. God said, FBI, yes you are. Get ready. It's an interesting code I have on today, Jack, but we have an invitation, actually, for you to make a decision if you want to move back here not you know and but i just like it i never i god i have no idea what's best for me it was a prayer that was said by eddie last night man i loved hearing that last night from him just as i'm like god help me remember that i do not know better for myself than you know for me and how often how quick i just in the course of the day i move right into that especially at work and people I'm going to say, hey, Jack, what about that? How do we grow and better? And it's just like, let me tell you. Get ready. You know what I'm saying? I was like, wait a minute. Oh, yeah. I'm talking last week. I'm having a conversation with my sponsor. He says, this is what I want you to do. He says you got room for like a 3x5 card where you work, right, to write something and put it. I was, like, dang, I could put a 12x18 sheet on my wall. Like there's nobody else in the office where I sit right now. And he goes, okay. How about it just says, pause. So I literally have an 8 1⁄2 by 11 piece of paper right next to my door, right now, across from my desk. Pause, ask, thank you. It's okay to need a third-dimensional reminder of where I really want to live and how I want to be. How often do I actually do that? Not that often, but I bet I've done it one or two more times since I did that, And that's, you know, like I just, I need so much help is all I'm trying to say. I need such a lot of help. So much help. And like there's, there is, I can only imagine, especially God bless my wife. I can totally imagine how much room we have to grow there. God, when Eddie last night talked about it, he's like, my wife, she gets sick. You know, she doesn't really get mad about it anymore. But like, I'll literally just like, we'll be at the house and all of a sudden I'm just like rapping in her face. and Cleo just goes literally my life you know what I'm saying it's like straight up it's cool for an hour but it's a lot for 24 you know it really is we need a lot of help and we have slowed down a lot and that experience in Cumberland helped and a lot of things have helped but it hasn't solved the drink problem has been solved currently as a result of continued action but But the self problem, the quick problem, the mind problem, the thought problem, I'll bet I can get just a little better deal out of this than what God's already arranged problem is still alive and well often. It's my responsibility now to stay awake so that I can see that and then I need to bring it to the table and stuff oftentimes, sometimes needs to be done in a more intense manner. Sometimes there's no writing. Sometimes it's just a quick 10. Again, I really trust my sponsor's relationship with God. I truly trust the man's relationship with his God. And in so doing he does not manage my life. No. But when I come to him for something and he gives me direction and guidance that is clearly intuitively inspired and clear and simple, I take it, man. And that way of living has worked really, really well. But sometimes the phone call doesn't always have to be made. Just to get current because of course we must, right? On the way here just yesterday, Eve, I know it's shocking to hear that on the way to the spiritual weekend with old Spiritual Jack talking about 10, 11 spiritual steps. He's on his way here and he just kind of starts thinking about this text message he sent earlier in the day which was a group message to like five different people at job. To many of them not a big deal but to the one lady who I know suffers with severe anxiety is in charge of billing has become completely overwhelmed recently has people that are out of work you know like it becomes clear that like, you know, she sends me a message and it just says, you know, am I doing something wrong that we need to talk about? You know, first of all, why would you ever think that? Can't be the message that I sent. Nobody else has said anything. Guessing that the reason you've now texted me privately is because it's my fault, as it normally is. You know what I'm saying? And slow down and think before I send the message, at least not about what was best for others. Of course, I slowed down and thinking enough to craft the message or to talk to whatever. I slowed out enough to think about what I need to say and the point I need get across and how we're going to do that and try to be considerate to not be mean, but knowing like... And so by the time we get up here, I'm just like, I need the call. and the conversation was very simple but I didn't slow down to even consider how that might impact you and I know how much you got going on and when I slowed down and think of everything that you got going on and the fact that big boss is out and you've taken over this and you're trying to do this and she's just like Jack I just keep feeling like I'm failing and I was just like I did not intend to make you feel that way I don't want you to feel thatway I'm sorry for not just slowing down and explaining or just saying nothing and just waiting to Monday and just having a conversation. And this might not be major for many, and many other people might have phrased that conversation way better than me, but to a guy like me that brought you a trash bag and a duffel bag and used the human beings in your meeting and couldn't stay with the woman I wanted to marry to be brought to a place where that type of even willingness and awareness to just be honest and have an honest conversation with a human being to stay more connected with another human being in the world occurs, that that is actually of paramount importance in that moment, that that reality really became like what a gift that is to a guy like me. Because what's it really look like to practice principles in all my affairs? And that's like if I'm not active in 10 and 11, again, I don't have – I guess some may, I personally, my experience shows that I do not have a lot of hope in that. The absolute necessity, right? I love what Bill talks about, what Eddie said towards the end of those steps, man. It's going to be imperative for you to work with others, but this necessity for these things to be within your life. What's that look like in my life? And for a long time here, man, and still often, But I think it was atrocious, the principles that I was practicing in all of my affairs. They were like everything you're trying to avoid on an inventory. They were, like, the fourth column. I mean, that's what I did. That's who I was. That's Who I will be again unless, and it remains my prayer, God, please help me stay willing to do whatever is necessary to stay close to You So that I can stay close to these people so that I could be a good husband so that I can show up for my family so that i can play the role that you assign me whatever that is but please Help, me stay willing to do what it takes to actually be that because i know i can't you know and And that's why And it's not just because countless women when i went to make amends to them asked me to be the guy in the conversation that respected women when they weren't around. They did, which is also why I'm eternally grateful that like the A-step when it was presented to me in a very similar fashion it was represented to Cleo with just this idea of like why don't we just get willing to make amends to them all and send very generic approaches to them and let God and them decide give them the dignity of saying yes, no or not responding but why don'T you just give them that since you've taken so much already Why don't you not also take the ability for them to tell you what they want to tell you? Because that's really what you're doing, Jack, is you're not allowing them to have a conversation with you if you don't show up. You're at least not even giving them the opportunity to think, wow, if he came and had this conversation with me, I could tell him X, Y, and Z. And that's exactly all some of those ladies wanted to do to me, and they deserved every second of airtime. They deserved every second of airstime. Especially the one who looked at me and said, you know, it's interesting that no other guys that I've hooked up with and treated me like this in AA have ever done this, and And I'm really glad you did. And all I'm thinking, oh my God, just thank you, God, thank you. Because I'm still just terrified of what you think. Like, I don't know, Ted. But then, how do I actually demonstrate that? Like,I could never actually demonstrate that because I knew what this meant. I knew there was a new road in front of me. I knew the road was coming. I knew that there was tasks ahead. I knew now I'm going to be at work and people are going to be talking about women or things in a way where I'm not going to become Hey, listen, gentlemen. You know what I'm saying? I think this is more. You know, I'm not going to become the sheriff of war. You know something like that? Oh, bang, bang. You know I'm like, well, it sucks to suck. You know mean you must suck. You know me like, yeah, well thanks Mr. Freaking spiritual. But how do you guide a conversation with love? How do you leave a conversation honestly? Right? What am I looking at on my phone? What am i looking at only computer? How am I communicating with other people? What am doing in front of other guys? Like, what type of conversation is being allowed at the diner? What's happening with the men that I sponsor? Like, the impact that I can, what am I doing? Because the ripple effect of the actions taken by the guys that I ended up on their radar and in their impact, they have been incredible in my life. So I'm not here to change anything or make anybody, but it's become very clear that I need to practice these principles in all of my affairs, and these principles may shift. They may change. I'm not here to get into a debate about that, but the experience that has happened in my heart in honoring God and honoring all of you, like how do I try to stay closer to that? And as that started to happen, it started to seem like all of a sudden I was around other men who were doing the same thing. You know? And like I would never say, well, water seems to tell the level, you know? I didn't ever think that this is how guys talk no big deal right when you allow them to talk like that around you sure they will when you stop engaging in the conversation it shifts and I'm just like well this is so now I'm the same at home with Cleo as I am at the desk as I'm in the meeting as I have at the diner just one lock step integrated in the integrity I'm integrated whoa like man and all of a sudden like what begins to happen to a guy like me is I finally I just ideas start to fall away and the reality for me staying current and being real is that new ones crop in like let's not but but these massive ideas that have governed me and driven me for so long he's big they start to fall away they start to get chipped away they start to just kind of like seemingly slip or fall away not entirely of course they come back disturbances happen but these massive things that I could have never thought about demonstration into a continuing care retirement community which my mother and father now live at as a result of my mom having a couple very serious strokes losing the majority of her balance having a massive grand mal seizure but happens to be located 0.6 miles from the house that cleo and i purchased a year or two before they moved into this place in the baltimore maryland area and you just start to see dots connect and you start to look and look back and look forward and look left and right and up and down and just look at god just whipping and like what would I've been so asleep to this. And what more? And in every moment, if I continue to try to deepen, I believe in these steps and really stay close, the depth of that experience growing is a most marvelous thing to think about. What a beautiful place to be. What an incredible thing, man. The heart will just ever expand. And that openness and deepness and depth we will just continue to fall into and in love with and get to walk with other people and watch people that are dying come to life and be able to sit at tables and then go to family functions. And also the tragic stuff is real, the funerals and the graveside amends for the guys that you sponsored. And that stuff is very, very real. But the opposite's real too. The guys in the Thursday night meeting that we go to that are walking off 10 years of methadone addiction and drugs that they were put on that they didn't even, just like watching things happen in front of me that I just like, I never thought I'd be able to be a part of. I wanted to be big shot. I had plans for my own life and God entered my life again and just started to change and shift me as I let him discipline me through the actions that are outlined here and that have been beautifully outlined today. And my heart knows that if we continue to do that the goodness of God will prevail because that is the experience that I've had and millions before me and many together now right here and what an incredible opportunity to just be here with all of you and to have had an experience that I do truly from my heart want to talk about I feel really grateful for that because I spent a lot of time in AA I didn't I just, I didn t and and it feels like it s time to be quiet so I m going to be quite thank you for letting me share Thank you.