Steps 1, 3, 5 and 12 – Don’t Sweat the Summer Big Book Workshop – Part 1 of 6 – 2025 – Nikoleta D.

We're almost at the end Hi guys, my name is Nicolette I'm an alcoholic I've been moved I've been fed I've shed some tears I've been inspired I've been raised in workshops like this in Alcoholics Anonymous I'm a product of really incredible sponsorship, good sponsorship sponsorship out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous using these directions I'm a product of unconditional love that one can only experience from an awake spirit you know and really you know, 12 Step is so it gets, it's been disclosed to me over time in various ways but initially you know my what really happened is that what happened is the heart opened up really, the heart opened up the self got weakened and there was just this like openness, you know, and this is like what it means to be in the world of the spirit right, spirit is what roomy and broad and all inclusive and never exclusive to anyone and I think that sponsorship is really another word for like availability and openness, right? and like care these are all like kind of like byproducts of a spiritual awakening it's not that I like went like I want to be of service I'm gonna be of service and if I've ever done that in 18 years of my sobriety and I have I had an agenda I wanted to be seen a certain way I wanted to be seen a certain way I wanted to show AA that I was a really good student I wanted to not feel guilty if I said no even if I didn't have time you know, and that's serving me that's not serving God, right? if I can just make myself available to this process I will come out of the 11th step the 5th step the 9th step of MENZ and I will start experiencing these promises the freedom from the mind and freedom from alcohol and I will be more interested in others rather than in self and like this starts becoming like a way of life this is just happening to me change is coming over me I'm not making this happen this is attractive this is attractive, right? and at the same time what is a and Chad said it so well what is an open heart is what? grateful we talk about gratitude in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous a lot but gratitude moves a certain way I do not need lists because lists would be infinite and they would come from the mental narrative or the mind, right? I remember calling my sponsor I have a whole payphone series timeline I've had my best spiritual awakenings and downloads on a payphone with my sponsor took a quarter only that was the price I had to pay for some downloads in early recovery I didn't have a phone there was a payphone in a sober house that I landed in you know she said yes I didn't even ask her she just like stood there in front of me fresh skinned and glowing she was incredibly attractive she felt safe I couldn't lie to her she was open and there was compassion in her eyes but she was a man with a real answer she was a woman that had confidence and humility at the same time the only time I've seen that is in the movies you know the only time I've seen that is when I would like accidentally come across like a a video of like you know like Dalai Lama you know like these were like out there alien people only a handful that had this like kind of like you know that produced this kind of impact right but yet there she was in Dover, New Jersey just a regular woman standing there in front of me and you know she said I'll help you I'll take you through this process and the only thing that I ask of you is to pay it forward and of course I said yes not knowing what that means but you know out of your mouth comes out yes you don't even know who's saying this yes you know there's just this willingness is manifesting in this way but in all honesty I don't really know what that means and I have this experience with the step work and I'm just I was on fire I'm the luckiest girl in the world I do not have a story of coming into Alcoholics Anonymous and not being given the message of Alcoholics Anonymous a message of depth and weight that was proportional to the amount of pain and suffering that I was experiencing for a very long time I have an experience of being sponsored by one woman which led to being mentored and taught by many others you know but she was the baseline of what I learned about how to carry this message first of all with my being because I cannot transmit something I haven't got so either I've had an experience or I haven't the spirit is either moving me or it's not God's delivering the message through me or not and what that looked like is to have no agenda there's no access to grind no fees to pay no lectures to endure no you know there's no control there's no preference on what your experience needs to be like she never took away my autonomy she never made me less than her she recognized how sick I was and how much trouble I was in she qualified me and she was satisfied with the qualification you know and she saw that I was like ripe and raw and ready and she gave me some simple directions and allowed me to have this experience and all was welcome and she brought it back always from the book it was always from the book there was no fluff there was no anything other than the directions out of the book that was my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous and I remember at some point you know you want to be like cool like others and they're talking about all this other literature and they're doing all these other worksheets and they're doing all these other ways to approach it that wasn't my experience it wasn't I find that the simplicity of this program it's so divinely inspired and so does not need improvement right the mind will come in and say how can I improve this and you know and it becomes then a self improvement project this was the most beautiful way for me to have an experience without my mind really getting involved really and so I had this experience my heart opens up wide and let me tell you I didn't experience regret at the 9 step events I was experiencing regret at the first step about harming others about the way I lived there were all these byproducts of that step 1 experience that I was talking about like I have no power I'm completely powerless my life ran on my will cannot be easy it's not a success I can't control the uncontrollable I cannot manage the unmanageable like I am small I am weak I needed and wanted God more than ever in my life without ever using those words and there she was free she wasn't selling relief she was selling freedom she was an example of freedom that was attractive and that's the attraction rather than promotion she was awake she was happy joyous and free and so she was my baseline for what's possible and available and she told me to believe in possibilities and to stay open and to stay willing and that my sincerity to be changed and to be moved is enough of a prayer that all I needed to do is hold that on my heart and the rest of the work will happen on its own of course I had to do some work I followed the direction out of the book I remember having a mind blowing experience in the third step with the third step prayer on a payphone payphone series there's a whole payphone series I can tell you about you know put in a quarter dial I don't know what I'm going to tell her you know I had nothing to say but I moved to call her you know have no idea what's going on have no idea what I read and then like something comes out of my mouth that's absolutely honest it's like you know like you know I'm having a great day everything is going great and she's like she pauses look out for the pause something really huge something really something really good is about to happen listen and she goes why is everything going your way this is me at like you know four months sober on a payphone in a sober house and I was like this is good there's wisdom here she's trying to teach me something there's something going on over here with this I felt that like I felt that and then you know like you know three days later I would use the payphone and say you know I have doubted I'm going to do this I can have a personal relationship with this God that everybody's talking about and you're talking about and she would pause and she would say doubt doubt you know that would like just blow my mind away I would be like doubt doubt like the mind would just snap shut like it was just like what what you know like I would be geeking out on a payphone like I have no idea what that means but it sounds really good and my mind just stopped doubting you know and suddenly that wasn't important anymore and it wasn't dominating me so I have this spiritual surgery not of my own doing I experience the transformation of being it opens my heart I enter the world of spirit or you know I get unblocked from the world of spirit that we already live in because it's like she always told me it's not like this is spiritual and that's not spiritual it's not like you're going to go do spiritual practices and you're going to go live your life the whole thing is spiritual like how can you see the whole thing in the context of spiritual right so that it's not like this homework I do I go meditate over there and then I'm over here you know fighting with you and resisting life and thinking I know better and trusting my shoulds and shouldn'ts which will come up but they do not need to dominate me it doesn't mean that they haven't in the last 18 years sober but they do not need to dominate me and so I have this experience with the work and at about nine months sober I was making amends and she was like you're ready and I'm like ready for what the promise that I made her in the beginning you're ready to pay forward carry the message to others and of course the mind comes in and says I have nothing to offer I'm going to do this and by the way all of us do this in some form or another right I'm not her I felt like I was baby Lena I still feel like a baby Lena you know what I mean things come out of my mouth that I've heard her say that have been imprinted on my soul and on my heart that still are the best way for me to explain it to explain some of the when I didn't have words to explain and I just remember her telling me your only job is to be open once again there was nothing for me to do once again once again there was nothing for me to do and this is a recurring theme throughout the essence of the step work you know I'm continuously experiencing powerlessness throughout the work in the first step this tangible experience with Boots right it's so tangible it almost cost me my life the pursuit the demand that I'm not like others right and I had this experience of utter hopelessness and powerlessness when it comes to that and then in the third step I had this absolute experience of being powerless over my mind and I had this experience in the fifth step of absolutely being powerless over the way I have moved in the lives of those that I have loved and didn't want to hurt and I had broken my integrity and my moral code and I've known better I have betrayed my deepest self I was not aligned with the depth of my being and I knew better but I couldn't do better I couldn't do better because I was straight so I'm having all these experiences of absolute powerlessness and in the eighth and the ninth step in the ninth step I really experienced that what my mind sees things and how things actually happen in reality it never matches right it just they had nothing to do with the way I saw it so I knew from all these experiences bring me into this I'm available to carry this message the way it was carried to me because I'm so grateful you know and that's where my journey begins that was nine months over I have 18 plus years of experience I was very sober and that was the only consistent thing in my life in my sober life I'm the luckiest girl in the world service has really saved my ass saved my bacon maybe that's a better American way to say it I have no idea why they say bacon but sounds better than ass yes it's on a recording it's the end of the day the vessel is frail the vessel is frail and and I just wanted to in the beginning I did it to honor what was given to me that's how gratitude works I was given an undeserved gift an undeserved gift and when that moves it's got nothing to do with you I mean sure I wanted to claim it own it you know modify it you know and all kinds of things but the truth was like you know like I just wanted to shout this from the rooftops there is a solution there is another way check out what was told to me check out the experience that I had and I'm completely insecure about how to carry it so we're going to use the book so the book was my anchor the book was my anchor this was not about chit chat and small talk this was not about call me every day this was not about telling you what to do and how to do it this was not about shoving my experience of God down your throat this was are you willing honest and open I have I'm uniquely qualified to help you and I'm on the other side and let me walk you through this work which has been just most incredible for me and what happens happens and it's none of my business and by the way it's none of your business either you know and so the book was very much an anchor in early stages and I sounded like you know Lena basically just quoting every you know and I went to like I got curious and I fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous and I was lucky that Lena and Barefoot Bill were my mentors in early recovery and I went to dozens and dozens of big book studies and 12 step workshops and all of these people like downloaded various ways to describe these things in the book and reminded me and like you know all of that stuff and that those were all useful tools to continue to carry the message but nothing carries this message more than our being nothing as a matter of fact I really believe that the message gets transmitted not through words I think we enjoy the words I think they inspire us I think that they remind us I think that we like to use them to riff off on these things and let me tell you I've been a taper all over United States every single weekend hundreds of conferences I've been to hundreds of 12 step studies and big book workshops and I would sit there and I would not get moved as much as by somebody tearing up who was sincere or humble that showed me so much more and I had eyes to see it when I entered the world of spirit because I was responding to the heart the heart was responding to the heart it was more important about it being genuine sincere earnest right this would that there was a sincere desire to be helpful was more important than how I delivered the message out of the big book I showed up and I really care I'm going to share with you what I've done and what I didn't do and what I know and what I didn't know and I'm going to do it exactly how my sponsor did it and thank God she did it out of the big book and we'll see where it goes and we're going to walk shoulder to shoulder and then 18 years later that looks many many different ways I do not like to use the label sponsor's fancy I think that who am I once you wake up who am I you and I and the new man will walk shoulder to shoulder shoulder to shoulder right shoulder to shoulder and here is something else that she did for me she brought me her fifth step so any way that she was on a pedestal for me she humanized that when she brought her fifth step to me these are greater things she taught me in early recovery and I have done my best to move this way don't get me wrong when I need to put the sponsor head on and there's a newcomer in front of me that's absolutely insane and can't see the true from the false you know and I know that certain things will be helpful certain set of directions and you know all of that sure that's happening but once we get a little bit down the line that's not happening because you're either ready or you're not you're willing or you're not and I can't give you willingness and I can't give you willingness so my job as a sponsor is to hold up the integrity of the steps and nothing else and I love how many times to the point of me getting pissed off I would call her to give me an answer to something give me the wisdom you know answer this question she'll be like what would you do if a sponsor asked you that she kept redirecting me to the depth of my being and I'm like what's the depth of my being you know I would ask you know how do I go and make an amendment she'd be like how would you like to be approached she made this stuff very real she made this stuff very come from the background that you're coming with is more important than the mechanics although she always respected the mechanics always and the history of Alcoholics Anonymous which she taught me and you know she encouraged my enthusiasm and my gratitude to get to know Alcoholics Anonymous and it's beauty and we went to a ton of workshops and we went to see the stepping stones and we went to Bill Wilson's house and we went to Akron, Ohio and I've been invited to the International which I'm finally going to in July if Newark Airport is better we're getting there no matter what even if we drive like Eric you know and she was in love with AA my sponsor was in love with AA and she translated the love to me it opened my heart this process opened my heart and even when I don't want to be of service I cannot help but be of service and you know if it's God's will we will have the power to carry it out and you know over the years then that moved into you know being asked by women to just listen to a fifth step being asked by men to listen to a fifth step being asked to sharing my fifth step with my sponsees or sponsee sisters that moved into being asked by women who have more time than me to work with them and I remember her always indicating to me to be informed by the presence of God to be informed by the presence of God that the answer will come if my own house is in order she always said that and I got to experience that I would not know what to say I would be in all kinds of moods about the human condition that's on me the self is really on me and then somebody would call me up with something and you know I can't get out of self self can't get out of self and self can't see self and the mind is really chatty and noisy and then the mind is really chatty and noisy and then there would be an opportunity you would take my interest and my attention would go somewhere else and I would actually get a reprieve and what would happen after that phone call that I didn't want to take every single time that I was in service even though the mind didn't feel like it and I had more important things to do like sit there and think about my misery just one example like you know I don't feel like it but there's like nothing to do except to be in the I don't feel like it mode my experience has been that I was brought out of self and I was given a reprieve you have enough of those experiences this becomes a way of life service becomes a way of life service this is the spiritual path of Alcoholics Anonymous there's devotional paths there is all kinds of spiritual paths out there the spiritual path of Alcoholics Anonymous is service making myself available so that service can be done through me because I've become a channeler I've become a vessel and it has nothing to do with me God will use me and she talked about like and what's been my experience through the toughest times in my life the women that I was in service to were actually in service to me and they have saved my life I have been saved in Alcoholics Anonymous by sponsees a few times during heartbreak tremendous grief losing my father and burying him you name it you name it you know any difficulty that I've had in Alcoholics Anonymous this has been the same as spiritual exercise that has grounded me reminded me woke me up humbled me you know because I can't be done I can't be telling you to do certain things and I'm not doing them because then I'm like feeling like a cheat and then my integrity is at question do you know what I mean and then I'm listening to your fifth steps and I see myself in your fifth steps and then I'm giving you direction for the amends and I'm reminded of an amend that wasn't done and like I want to make that right because now it's in the consciousness now I'm present of it now it's up for and now this is the next step and this is how I've learned to to really trust that the presence in the present moment is way more intelligent and that the information will be given to me in the present moment as things unfold and if I ever doubted what God's will is it's whatever is unfolding in front of me so it's pretty simple whatever is happening is supposed to be happening and my mental commentary that it should or shouldn't it don't matter because it's still happening it's still happening I lose the argument every time and then I'm not available I'm not available to be touched by the messengers of today like when I'm sitting in a chair and I tear up and I feel softer and I feel uplifted and I feel gratitude and I feel my heart's been opened and you know what I mean and really another thing is connection I've been so disconnected from humankind you know I was a loner I lived on the floor of my apartment at the end of my drinking unable to make any genuine connections with anyone that's one of the things that happened intimacy into me you see to have these deep real conversations and on top of that to feel that all of that calamity is being matched by serenity and by purpose and meaning purpose and meaning and if I only paid it back because of this one woman that carried the message it still wouldn't be enough because I'm alive and I don't deserve it or have earned it this grace and this mercy you know and so you know services and that's just first part of the having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps it says in the 12th step we carry this message to others and alcoholics initially I think that's what they said historians please chill you know I'm uniquely qualified to help an alcoholic it just it speaks to my heart right this is the language I speak I speak the language of powerlessness and I know what it's like not to be understood and to be judged because you don't have that experience we don't make sense to normal folk we don't but the service heart that opens up or the grateful heart or the awake heart or this element of the spirit just wants to show up in a real honest way and funny enough when my will and God's will align it always includes you Bill Wilson has an awakening in the hospital in detox what does he do? he thinks of others he thinks of others he has an experience in the book when he's drinking what would I do to make amends? what would I do to make things right? he understands his predicament his loneliness that loneliness that only an alcoholic talks about my life is full my life is full of deep and meaningful friendships I have family here like you know love is not enough of a word to describe how I feel about the people I have met in recovery and how I feel connected I really want to know what's the best for them I really don't want to hurt anybody I really like um um I'm still like amazed and stunned by what has happened let's put it that way by what has occurred as a result of being in this program because I've been given so much more as a result of making myself available to service and so for me today I you know like if it's a newcomer I'll put the hat on but most of the women in my life that might call me their sponsor or whatever um I consider them sisters in recovery you know fellow messengers you know like I work with co-workers that like you know are ten steps out by me you know on the spot baby you know it's like I'm feeling this I'm doing this I'm thinking this you know like I was Rebecca you know like uh you know she's the ten step master of my life because she sits next to me and is in recovery you know what I mean and I share my life I think this this generosity of spirit is that we share we share our lives with each other which humanizes us and connects us and makes us feel closer and and another thing that happens is that when I'm having an experience of that and I don't know why this is I feel the presence of God I don't know what you want to call it my spirit is uplifted all is well I'm comfortable in my skin I'm glad to be alive I am uh you know the opposite of the girl that walked in here the opposite of what I thought life was like right I'm curious about what's next for me and I'm curious about what's next for me and I'm curious about what's next for me and I'm curious about what's next for me I'm curious about what's next to come because I trust it and uh and so that's all been part of that and that service and practicing these principles in all my affairs as long as I'm keeping my house clean and in order with the practices of the steps just like the messengers so beautifully shared with us you know it's natural for me to help anyone who comes to me to be of service family member it could be my family member it could be the alcoholics family member it could be whatever it is anywhere that I feel that I can be a part of or that I can contribute because what happens is that we've been taking for so long we've been such takers and it's all about me me me me me that this other energy starts occurring about like what can I contribute how can I give you know with this like element of openness and I know this sounds like really fluffy I'm not doing any of this by the way I don't want to be of service just to clarify I do now I'd rather watch Netflix your honor you know it's a really good show mob land lately I want to eat my popcorn you know I want to contemplate you know life and stuff like that but my experiences my experiences is that either I move to do it and it becomes natural and when I'm not moved to do it I do it because of the experience it brings me into afterwards you know and that's taken on many different meanings and more has been disclosed to me as I went along the way about what service really means and I really do think it means availability and I don't think availability is about time it's meeting someone in the most honest way and in the most open way and for me to be like that I have to be unlocked actually I had to have done the work so that that can flow through me and you know another thing not a really cool thing that happens as a result of this like things come out of my mouth and I'm like that was so good did you write that down oh my god I'll never say that again what did I say because it felt so good like where's that coming from I know we want to take the credit I do want to take the credit I want you I want you to like me I want to make you proud I do I want to honor AA and my sponsor you know where does that come from where I don't even know I've never said that before I've never said that before where does that flexibility of like as I go through I have a question that's funny you know ask me this I don't have a question with me here right how can I say it like I could write that I could just live the life my life but I have to live it I just love it an fulfilling life and you're speaking as to what my sense is I want you to give me my things an example in my mind you know which ones that OK so let's pray Oh my God it's a good question a open one you see thank you only one story and yet my story changes without changing as i grow as i'm sober i didn't i didn't like talk about my drinking the way i'm talking about drinking today when i came into the rooms as a matter of fact i didn't say a word for the first two three years you know i was like you know but um you know where's that coming from what is that and a byproduct of that is that my heart just expands it's very strange it's really bizarre but it all connects to this being in the world of the spirit being free from the mind making myself available staying in the present moment being in the here and now trusting what's landing in front of me that it has value that this is not just about me bringing someone through the work necessarily or being in service to somebody i have had phone calls from women that have brought fifth steps to me that was exactly what i needed to hear because something was unfinished or undone i have um you know stuff like that starts happening and i recognize that the message gets delivered to me exactly what i need uh through the through this openness through this openness and i get to learn and and deepen my relationship with self let me tell you i've been doing some work on myself i feel very raw i feel very vulnerable i've been feeling confused and numb i'm doing a lot of work on myself and i'm feeling very vulnerable and it still has power for me and i feel that i can change for the good it would be a big plus about being study and i know that there's that lesson i learned and i have really grown over the years that i have said like i think i feel and have understood what it says i have to learn because at the end of the day i don't want to think that i you know i let go that bottle old bottle and i'm about to lapse into something different and that's been my job my life and i think it's great yeah i really appreciate that and you know that's one of the comforting things about being to those folks something to change over the years and i can't wait to— falling apart literally i am for the vessel is very frail very frail and yet i get up here and it comes out the message comes out my experience comes out i get reminded i get brought home i feel the expansion of the heart i get inspired by the other messenger so it's really not about the condition that i'm in necessarily at any moment as life starts hitting me or i'm doing some practices right it's in my willingness honesty willingness and open-mindedness indispensable we say these things and then they just go over you know i don't know if that's a good way to say it there's got to be a better way to say it just goes over my head we say things so much that we don't hear them anymore what does my current honesty willingness and open-mindedness look like all right the opposite of that in what areas of my life and and has to have those definitions of those things changed over the 18 years of my life because harm does not mean the same thing it meant 18 years ago or 10 years ago or four years ago and god does not mean the same thing that he meant before so more is being constantly disclosed to me disclosed not revealed over time i there's an opportunity to deepen this experience of powerlessness with life and deepen my reliance my reliance and trust and that i'm in the care of that that requires a tremendous amount of trust for me to show up in front of a sponsor i do not think i can serve or to stand here in front of you and i don't think that it's going to come out and it comes out and i have a mind that after a hundred of those will stay but not this time just like when i was drinking and so i have to be able to do that and i have to be able to do that these practices to keep me in the game and I have us and you know sponsorship is so much more it's been these guys are my best friends this woman would kill I became a minister and married ten of them do you know what I mean like for $200 I mean the certificate was a $200 certificate you know but like what an honor to you know frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives this is an experience you don't want to miss nothing ensures immunity from drinking as as intensive work with other alcoholics this never fails when all other activities fail and I really believe that I wouldn't be here if I wasn't if she did not grind that into me and I didn't have the experience that I had since nine months sober since nine months over that's the only thing that's been consistent meetings have not been consistent home group commitments prayer meditation has been consistent home group commitments prayer meditation has been consistent not being inventory writing six and seven ten and eleven but sponsorships always been and it's always brought me back to reality that was good and I got excited did you feel that because I did thanks for letting me share excited did you feel that because I did thanks for letting me share excited did you feel that because I did thanks for letting me share