Steps 1, 3, 4 and 9 – Step-Tember to Remember Workshop – Part 2 of 7 – 2025 – Eddie D.

What's going on, guys? My name is Rich. I'm an alcoholic. Page 92 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Show him from your own experience how the queer mental conditions surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the willpower. Don't at this stage refer to this book unless he has seen it and wishes to discuss it. And be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic, let him draw his own conclusion. If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell him possibly he can if he is not too alcoholic, but insists that he is severely afflicted. There may be little chance he can recover by himself. Help me welcome our first speaker, Eddie D. from the Stepping Stones of Philadelphia. Good, I made it up here without tripping. I always have this nightmare thought that I'm going to fall when I'm trying to get up on States. It's going to happen one day. See, I do stuff like that. It is all day, right? Apple Hall named Eddie. Rich reached out to me and asked me about something, and that part of the book has been in my head a lot lately. I'm sober since November 8th, 2014, But I've known the big book pretty well since 2003. And I believe in God, like I've never had an issue with the idea that there was a higher power and never really struggled with that. So I was an alcoholic who couldn't stay sober, who believed in God and knew the big book pretty well. And you know, I could tell you what pages things were on but there was a lot of things that I was not putting in the practical application and if I would start to have anything that resembled some kind of spiritual connection I would get back to self at some point as a sober person and lose that like at some point, kind of plateau and that was my story coming in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for about almost 20 years of my life and an excerpt like that is really important to me in the book because I want to let you know, I had a guy in my car one time and I was asking him, I was like, so what do you think, you're done? He goes, yeah, I don't think I'm going to drink anymore. I think I've done. And I said, dude, I'm gonna tell you something. In a little over a decade, I have zero faith in my own personal resolve, right? None, none whatsoever. like I'm not sober because like I get up every day and I like choose not to drink today like if that was my fight I would have lost a long time ago and I don't think I don'T know if everybody that I've encountered in Alcoholics Anonymous is like that right I've met plenty of people they came to AA and they put a drink down and they got into the steps or they didn't get into the steps or whatever and they made meetings and they just kind of hung with sober people, and that was enough for them. And, you know, I'm not of that type, right? The alcoholics, the big book talks about different types of alcoholics and I think it's important to point that out when I'm sitting down with people that, you Know, in the doctor's opinion, Dr. Silkworth says that Bill was an alcoholic of a type I had come to regard as hopeless, right. and I'm pretty confident that if he encountered me like he would have said the same thing like there's really no hope for this dude right and what does that look like that looks like it doesn't matter what happens externally in my life horrific things right homelessness getting kicked out of places I never have an experience that jars me enough to where I learn my lesson And I think for years that that's eventually going to happen, right? And then, you know, in November of 2014, I was in a jail cell in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and I had what I like to consider a first-step experience, right. And my first-stop experience was devastating, dude. Like it made me want to kill myself. and what that experience was is I thought about my life I was 38, the first time I'd ever gone to treatment I was 19 and I thought to myself I was in a cell by myself for like a week it got to the point where I actually asked for a cellmate they were like we've never even heard of that before and dude they put a dude in my cell and he wouldn't stop crying and I was like not this dude But I had a lot of time, like awake, I couldn't sleep, detoxing. And I thought to myself, dude, I don't ever want to do this again. And then I was like, well, dude you're going to do it again. Because your experience has shown that that's what happens. And you may stop for nine months, a year, two years. But eventually your mind is going to convince you it's a good idea to do it again and when that happens you're going to do it, right? The queer mental twist that surrounds the first drink. And I think that there is a lot of, you know, let's just put it this way. There's things that are said in Alcoholics Anonymous by people like about maybe themselves, but I don't think that they, you know, I don'T take them as meaning the same thing for myself, right. People in Alcoholics Anonymous say things like, I got to remember that when I put that first one in me, I'm powerless. Right? And my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous is the scary part of powerlessness is the powerlessness that takes place before I take the first drink. Right. And what I've experienced a number of times in my life and you know maybe there's people that haven't is my mind despite what I learned. It's always been confusing to me because dude I'm not tough. I grew up in a tough neighborhood. I grow up in Kensington. I learned how to navigate life by using my head, right? To get out of situations pretty much for the most part unscathed, right so my mind has always been my friend when it comes to that, right I've always been able to you know do things like get up in the morning and figure, I gotta figure out how to get $20 right and I would concoct a plan and it would work a lot of times right and then I come in here and I realize that my thought process is actually my enemy right and and when that when I realize that like you can't get away from your thought process like you can't you know there's nowhere I can go you know there's no exterior change that I could make and if you would have asked me like when I was in my 20s like dude what do you need to do to get it together, bro. I would have been like, well, I probably need a new apartment. I need an apartment. I need to get another girl. I need a car, right? You know what I mean? We gave you a number of exterior changes that needed to take place in my life. I need you to go to school. I think I want to be a counselor, right, and all that stuff, right. And I believe that once those things happen that I would feel so good about myself that I would not want to drink again, right? And I think that may be the case for some people. I've seen it, dude. Like, you know what I mean? Like my mom did meth the whole 60s, 70s and 80s, right. And then in the early 90s, she just stopped. You know what she needed? A job. That's all she had after that. She got a job, dude, right, that's a true story. she got a job and she stopped that was it stop smoking coals stop doing meth right and that's all she needed was a change in her like a life change like a lifestyle change and and somebody like me confuses like my mom my mom is like what's wrong with you like you know i mean like you know uod in secluded areas and you know i means like like in your car like all that, and nothing happens to make me want to stop. I have kids. Now I got kids. I feel guilty that I can't stop. And I was married, divorced, owned a house. I did go to school for a little while. In fact, one of my favorite stories is that pretty much in a stupor, I wrote a 10-page thesis on a book i didn't read and got a b plus that's some real alcoholic stuff and like dude i i like i didn'T seem to suffer any kind of consequences that would jar me to the degree where i was like and i've met people man that can do that they're like i just remember what it does to me right and something happens in my thought process where my mind convinces me it's a good idea. I've been in sales my whole life, right? So like, you know, like what would happen was I would experience just a disconnection from a higher power if I ever had one to begin with. Right. And then all of a sudden, like life, like, uh, you Know, I would pursue things that felt good. Nothing was ever enough. Right? Um, I was starting to fall into, I started to get real bad waves of self-pity right um I would I would hyper focus on me and and and dude I would live life like that and I would feel so awful my emotional reaction to sobriety for a lot of my life has been it's been terrible right um and I didn't understand that for a long time like I I don't know if everybody has the same reaction to sobriety that that like I have right um my My emotional reaction to sobriety historically has been terrible, right? I, of course, have been to a lot of treatment facilities and psych hospitals, which are my personal favorite. And I've actually been to the psych hospital two times as a sober person other periods of my life, right. And that's what sobriete would do to me without some kind of spiritual connection. I would just it was just like terrible dude like I I remember I had like 10 months and I was working at this place and uh I was in debt I was into debt collection for like 12 years and which is ironic because I hated paying people back right financial amends was like something I would always be like ah I'll get to that maybe later um but I was I worked at this collection agency and I I remember the owner, his name was Larry. I got to know Larry and I go in his office and I had 10 months sober, right? And I said, Larry, I don't think I could come here anymore, man. He said, well, what's going on with you, Eddie? I said. You want to know the truth? And he said, yeah. I said I feel like renting a motel room and hanging myself. And he was like, oh my. He didn't know how to react to that. And that's what I look like. Like, and I'm telling you, dude, like in, you know, going on 11 years, I have not felt the need to go to this, like, hospital because I feel like I want to die. That has not happened to me, right? That doesn't happen to me anymore. And I can't stress that enough. Like, that doesn't happened to be any more, right. And I could not understand. Like, I have a, you now, I've a debt. My father had schizophrenia, right, turns out my son has schizophrenia. I think it skipped me are you guys here like I used that joke the other day anyway but I would always fall back on mental illness runs in my family like you know what I mean and I would be like yeah that's that's what it is right and I'm not discrediting that idea or saying it's not a thing for people but I could fall on this whole like I have a chemical imbalance it's not really my fault like you know i mean like um i mean and i and i didn't find going that route helpful at all like i didn t and um you know I I spent a lot of my sobriety hyper focusing on you know people I hated mainly the mother of my kids right and and the first time in my life I actually sat down and I did an honest inventory and by the way, the book doesn't say we look at our part. It doesn't say that at all. It says putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done we resolutely look for our own faults. It literally says to try to not even think about. Our friend Ricky D says something. He says if I look at it as a part I could look at the whole situation like a pizza pie and my part is two slices and yours is six you know like I could I could weigh my part as being less than yours and what it says is it says putting out of your mind the wrongs others have done which is you know and when I sat down and I really made an effort to do that and I thought about the ways the way that I treated the mother of my kids. The things I said to her, right? Things that you shouldn't say to anybody, let alone the woman who birthed your children, right? And when that really like hit me, I remember thinking to myself, like, dude, you're just not a good person, right? To some people that might sound awful, but I needed to have that realization. Because one of the lies that I would tell myself is that like, Dude, I'm a pretty good guy as long is I'm sober. No, that's not true. That's not true. I've proven to be quite an awful person when I'm sober. Right? I've said something. Here's the thing. If I'm drinking, if I'm out, right, if I're out, I'm MIA. Like nobody sees me. I'm not in anybody's world. Right. I mean, I am out in my own world. And then I come back and I'm sober now and I have no kind of like spiritual connection and i'm in everybody's stuff dude right everybody i got an opinion about everybody i i i throw tantrums when people don't do say and act the way i want them to right and it and it gets worse the long rise days over right so i've i've done and said some pretty bad things like as a sober person other periods of my life right and uh you know i needed to have the realization that like dude you're just you you have not been a good a good person right um and and I don't know man like I dude I sat down at this inventory with this guy when I got out of jail um I actually turned myself in on a warrant that uh for a DUI that I got in Lancaster Pennsylvania um I called my mom and I was living under I had taken up residence under the Girard exit of I-95. And I called my mom and was like, hey, you think you could take me to jail? And she was like yeah. Yeah. My mom was driving, I grew up in Kensington but my mom eventually moved to Fishtown and then Potts Grove, right? And my mom drove down without a question and she was, like, I was driving down here looking for you and I was like what were you going to do if you found me? I was 38, right? And she said, I was going to punch myself in the face and get a cop and say that you hit me to have you arrested. That's what I was gonna do. If you knew my mom, you'd be like, she would do that. She would totally do that So my mom came, picked me up and took me to jail and I remember my roommate, I guess, under 95 we got up It was weird, dude It was like the odd couple, like some weird sitcom. We would get up in the morning and we would part ways. You know what I mean? And then come back at the same time. Like, how was your day? And I remember he was asking me, he was like, dude, we should go downtown and go by the Greyhound station and say we're stranded and try to get money off people. And I was like all right, dude. And I was like, but I've got to be back over at the Arby's party lot at 2 o'clock. And he was like why? And I Was like because my mom is going to take me to jail. And he Was like dude that is the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. And he spent the day trying to talk me out of it. Right? And you know I eventually went and let my mom. My mom showed up. I was sitting on the ground like I'm not getting in the car unless you give me $20. And she was like I'll leave you here. I'm like almost 40. Right? and my mom took me to jail and when I woke up the next day I was like he was right this is dumb this is real dumb and you know I had a lot of time to think and I had that experience man where I was Like dude you're never going to stop you might as well just kill yourself because this isn't ending like this is going to continue to be a thing forever until at some point you die right and um and i was just demolished by that and then something else happened that was pretty um that was really like uh pivotal man and i started to think about god and the way that i looked at god and and things period like people like i've always had this idea in my life dude that like uh you know if you asked me why i was miserable i would be like well it's earth than the people that populate it, right? And I remember I had this thought and it was humility is what it was. I was like maybe everything that I've thought about everything my entire life has been wrong, right. And that obviously wasn't the case. There are some things I thought that they were correct but the idea, that idea I think let in enough like it opened my heart up to really receive the grace of god and what happened was i uh i said a prayer i said god enter my heart make me a different person i'll do whatever you want me to do and that was like my version of the third step prayer and if you read the book it says you know the wording is quite optional as long as you express the idea in the prayer and i said that prayer and um dude a couple things started to happen like immediately right um one was shortly after that i started to feel start to feel like kind of everything was going to be okay right and then um you know this guy came and and dude i i was homeless i they were like we're not letting you out to go anywhere except here in lancaster pa and i was like i don't know anybody here like they're like well that's you know and they had a guy that would come up and interview people would take them uh to get them into like a recovery program it's pretty much on a farm in leola pa and and uh you know that guy came to my cell and people told me about him and i put like the slip in the box and he came to myself and i I was like, oh, you got my slip? And he was like yeah, I don't know what you're talking about but here I am. And I talked to that guy and that guy was like look it might take a little while for us to get, and dude, I want to tell you something I'm not a jail guy, right? Like I hear people say I jail well I don' t jail well, right and it has nothing to do with the population or anything like that I'm fine around criminals, dude I've been around them my whole life It's something about confinement and the sun not hitting you for long periods of time that, like, makes me incredibly depressed. And anybody who's ever been in a county jail, at least they were like, oh, we let you out in the yard. I'm like, Oh, yard? We're going to a yard? It was an auditorium. I was like, this isn't a yard, dude. You know what I mean? It's an auditor. It's a roof, right? so anyway i i uh i told the guys like no you gotta you gotta you gotta do a little better than that please right and he said all right well i'll tell you what fill this packet out and then we'll um you know i'll come back later on and get it and then i'll like after i get the packet then in only like uh in two days i'll have the director of the place with me and we'll talk to you then and i was like all right so i filled this packet out he never comes back and gets it right so i'm like there we go right and i remember being in my cell and and saying god please can you give me something that feels like hope because i forgot what hope feels like and and i and um and dude i don't know when in my mind's eye it could have been longer it was like minutes they were like done and they pop my cell when i go down and the guy's there with the, and he was like, we're getting you out tomorrow. And I've never been, I've, I'd been pretty much sold on the idea that not only is there a God, right? But you know, I have like, like, I don't know that, that I'm on God's radar. Cause that was always my thing, dude. Like, you know what I mean? Like I believe that there's a God and all, but like he don't care about me. He doesn't care About anybody. And I had that thought for a long time. My dad died when I was 14. You know, I begged God over a Bible at the chapel of the hospital, please don't take my dad. And then my dad died, and I was just like, okay, dude. You know what I mean? Like, you know. And I had this thought pretty much, like, we're screwed. You know What I Mean? And it's just like the book says. From Bill's perspective, like if there's a God, he's got nothing to do with this. you know namely me i was more concerned with me i didn't really care about you guys right um and when that happened dude like i've been pretty much sold on the idea that like you know that there is a god and and i'm on god's radar right and um i don't know man like i i got out of the jail and i got a sponsor and i started to pursue a relationship with god right with a higher power And the conception of that God has changed like a number of times since I've been sober. But, you know, one of the things that I am mindful of with myself is that I try, I don't want to get to a point where I plateau spiritually. And I feel like that would happen to me, like over and over again. I've had these experiences in here where I would come in, And, dude, I'm like, when I'm in a recovery house, like from the beginning, I'm, like, the model, like resident, really. Meeting, meetings, home group, sponsor, book, you know, book work, all that. But, excuse me, damn. Is that going to be on the recording? Edit that out, dude. Somehow. Anyway, Christ. um i i would get into these recovery houses i'm on fire dude in the very beginning right i uh you know i'm i have a i have thirst for alcohol and then my history is that like once i get a girl and a job and a car right the trifecta i'm less interested in growing spiritually at that point right and I think that without realizing it like I kind of like you know I would lose the obsession right I feel good and then next thing you know you know there's really no um there's no transparency with other men in Alcoholics Anonymous which is important to me right there's no there's not thoughts of like building character continuing to build character there's no thoughts of trying to grow spiritually I would get to a certain point and that would be it and again, I've met people in AA that could pull that off and I'm not one of them I get real sick and when I get sick my mind convinces me it's a good idea to eat a Xanax or something it's done it It's done it. And I know, to be honest, without a thought, my mind would do it again without the treatment that the 12 steps offer. My mind would do it again. So getting back to that excerpt from the book, it's not knowing what it does to me that keeps me sober. It's not reflecting on the consequences that keeps me sober, right? I can't do those I can use that as a deterrent right because like I said I've been in some kind of sales my whole life my mind would be like alright dude listen hear me out listen right you know and I would be like alright you got my and I'd have these conversations with myself and convince myself how we could pull it off this time right how it's going to work and what I need to do is I need to do some things in my life that prevent that conversation in my head from even taking place, right? Because once... I have proven that once that begins, I wear myself down at a certain point and I'll do it. I do it, right. So I have to do something or do some of the things in your life that make you not want to do it at all and that's what I do. That's what i do and I've certainly had issues with my character that have improved you know over the past decade or so and I feel like that there's more there's been more you know parts of my character that need to improve I don't ever want to get to a place where I'm like I'm done, that's it you know what I mean I want to be able to look at myself in certain areas and be like dude you can do better you can do better and actually make a an attempt like using like the steps and and and the spiritual way of life to help me because the other thing is is that like um you know it says we alcoholics are undisciplined so we let god discipline us in the way that we just outlined i you know i started going to rehabs and all in like the 90s and like they would be like you know you you got to change right they would be like the same guy that walked in can't be the same guy that leaves rehab or else you're going to pick up like you know what I mean so like you got to do everything different so if you brush your teeth with your right hand now use your left like all this crazy stuff right they wouldn't they would say all this right and I kind of like had this idea that like I had to perpetuate this change in my you know how I mean like discipline self-discipline right and if I really think about it dude like I've been trying to be a better person since I was like 10 right really like I when I went to when I was in grade school um I wasn't like a tough kid right so I got friends by being like you know the clown right and it felt so exhilarating to make everybody laugh, right? It felt so good. It was like addictive and I would get suspended constantly for it, right, and then when I was in the office and I knew my mom had to come up, I would cry, right. So I hated the consequences but I couldn't stop doing it, right, and they put me on daily report. They stapled the thing to the back of my notebook so that they could give me behavior points for every hour, right, And my mom had decided at the end of the day, and they were bad, dude. They were all bad. My mom saved them, right? And, you know, I would tell myself, like, dude, I need to stop doing this or else I'm going to ruin my future, right, like everybody's telling me. And then the next day would come, and I would do it all over again. I couldn't stop, right. And I have been trying to use self-discipline. And, dude, I would pull it off for a little bit and then I would backslide, right? And it would continue to happen over and over again in my life. So if I think about it, dude. Like, I've been trying to apply self-discipline to my character for a really long time. And I just, I don't, I fail. I fail, right. And my experience with a lot of this stuff, right, the need for attention, the need for validation putting ownership on women all these things that I would do I couldn't make myself stop and I needed the help of a higher power and I deal with spot C's that go through these things these internal fears and things of that nature. And I don't have the ability to just think them away, right? I have to know they exist. I have no idea what's going on. I have the power to make them go away and I have had the willingness for them to go away and I've had to ask God to do it, right. And that's been my course since I've been doing this and like, you know, it's worked. It's helped me. It's held me incredibly, right, it's helped build character, it's help me be a better person. I'm in this industry dude that I'm now And it's full of liars and cutthroats and, you know, just scoundrels. Like, you Know what I mean? And I don't participate in any of that behavior to the degree that like if my name comes up to possibly have done something shady, somebody that knows me better will be like, no, he didn't do that because that's not what he does. And that's a long stretch, dude, from like being a guy that like, If something turned up missing and I was in the vicinity, there was no investigation launched. I did it, right? Oh, he did it. Oh, you saw Eddie Dunn block away? Oh, He did it dude. He definitely did it He broke into your car If he was seen near there Oh, we did it And to be somebody that defends my character that knows me is, dude, I can't. That's priceless. That's priceless You know I have an ex-employer that like and we still communicate me and this guy right? He because he was hurt that I left his company he beat me out of 60 grand of commission money and he didn't care. He's like yeah, I'm not giving it to you right never denied i he owed it to me right he was just like i'm not giving it to you and dude i hated him for like two months and really wanted harm to come to him and it like it really hurt me on the like you know what i mean like like it's poison like i i don't want that in my heart anymore and i beg god like god please help me want for him what i would want for myself like every day i'd said that prayer and eventually it happened i don'T have a gripe with tattooed right and i feel i feel i feel wonderful he's a multi-millionaire he's miserable right i wouldn't trade places with the dude and i'm not a multi millionaire by any means but i have peace and i have way of life that i live that i could bring with me wherever i go right and it's like you know and it took these other dudes like 80 years ago to figure it out because i would have never figured it out on my own i would've went the rest of my life feeling like dude i'll be better as long as you make some changes right i would have went the rest of my Life thinking that i never would have came up with you know the answer to what i suffer from is spirit is spiritual i never Would have put that together on my own um and and and then even like coming in and out for all that time like knowing the bulk and all that like uh you know understanding that like um you know i can know what's in a book if i'm not putting it in the practical application if i're not doing the things that it says in there like pause when you agitated or doubtful and ask god for the right thought or action like i could tell you where they were in the book but i wasn't doing those things and you know I would find myself as a sober person very very miserable and um you Know I Could Say Honestly I Could say honestly that like um i do get mad like don't get me wrong in traffic a lot anybody on the phone with me when i'm in traffic traffic is like dude you need to do something with yourself right because i i only yell at people but i yell in my car i'm like what is this idiot doing like you know what i mean like all day right all day and but the thing is dude is i i let i i don't stay mad right i'm and i and And when I get up in the morning and I sit quietly and I do my meditation, I reflect on how I don't have a problem with anybody. You can't buy that. Like, I don' t have any issue with anybody, I don''t want vengeance on anyone, right? I'm not consumed with fear, right, I've been afraid my whole life, right. I just learned how to act like I wasn' t. and um and i i would get sober and the fear would exacerbate it would get worse and i would and i would get like you know i would getting periods of like real heavy self-pity where i wouldn't want to get out of bed um you know and ii i would i would just be like it's like crippling fear and anxiety and I don't have that anymore because I have put this idea into action that like um you know I trust God like you know. I was telling the guy the other day um two of the biggest prayers that I said in my life like like in early sobriety and and since were um um God help me remember that you need to be my true source of happiness and not a girl a job or money right And God, help me remember that you know better for me than I know for myself. Right? And I said those over and over again. And I believe it, man. And I've seen in my life that even the things that like I was, you know, I questioned so. Like I said, I have a son that lives with me, a schizophrenic. And, you Know, he did some things in a psychosis that almost put him in jail. Right? because that's our mental health treatment in the country is that like oh we got a treatment for you right over here in the penal system right um and i was like man i was angry for like a little bit like why is this happening like you know and um it all worked out and it opened up everybody's eyes in the family to the fact that my son needed you know mental treatment right because everybody was like in denial about it they're like oh he's just quirky i'm like dude he thinks of TV is evil like that's not quirky you know what I mean there's something going on there and everybody was on board after the whole uh the the you know the legal incident and um you know and I saw in hindsight how those things needed to happen right and I never lived my life like that right never ever lived never ever did I live my life like that and and my perspective has changed um and like uh dude i i share this with people i sponsor that are like you know struggle with things not going their way like oh i went to go try to get this job and or this apartment and my you know they want to run a background check and and all this and you know i i've i've gotten comfort in the idea once again that god knows better for me than i know for myself right and I remember really putting that when I first got sober I was I was on that I was in that recovery program in Lancaster on a farm and I worked at a telemarketing call center um I was making nine dollars an hour part-time and I was my heart I was filled with joy man right joy it didn't even make sense all my life I thought that happiness meant what you had right like happiness was like you need stuff to make you happy i had nothing right my mom took me to the goodwill to buy clothes that i keep that i could go look for a job in and i got a job working at a telemarketing call center and i remember um they they were like hey listen uh there's a position opening up i was only here for like three weeks and they were like we're considering you for for that position but we um there's two other people we're considering as well, and they've actually been here longer than you. And I was like, all right, whatever, right? And I remember I said a prayer. I said, God, help me accept whatever the outcome is and help me to remember that you know better for me than I know for myself, right, you know better for everybody. And this other, this dude Anthony got the position, and I still talk to that guy for this day, and like I worked at this place, this place in Lancaster, and it was populated by um i mean it it was it it employed people in recovery houses right so 90 percent of the people were from recovery houses and there were like 10 percent people that got the job through like indeed which was great dude because like i wound up being the training manager there at one point right and i would get these people in a circle and i'd be like all right like tell me tell me about yourself and where you're at right and then people would be like oh you know and then it would get to some girl and she'd be like, I'm just glad I'm not smoking crack and prostituting myself right now. And then the people, the look on the people's faces, they were like, where the hell am I? But I, so I get this job, and this guy Anthony gets a job, and I remember we were having lunch, him and I, one day, and he was like, dude, mind you, my world looked like, you know, I had to give rent money to the recovery house which really wasn't much and I had a flip phone and I paid the flip phone bill and that's all I was doing at that point financially right? I hadn't got started making financial amends yet. This is a week sober and yeah, I remember this dude telling me he was like, dude, he was so glad I got that position because now they're going to change my hours. I'm going to make more money the hours that they're gonna give me to work now I'm going to be able to spend more time with my girlfriend, and I'm gonna be able to save up and buy a ring so I can propose to her. And I remember thinking to myself, God knew he needed that position more than I did. And I never thought like that before. I never thought likethat before. This is the way I always thought. If there's something that needs to be got, I need to get it. It's mine. right? I deserve it. And when I don't get it, I throw a tantrum, right? And I've thought like that my whole life. And for the first time in my life, I started putting this kind of new thing into action. And dude, like my life... I'm telling you, man. And then I had a few months over, like, you know what I mean? Like I was taking the train to Philly to make amends to people right and in the beginning it was real small dude i was knocking on people i knocked on the dude's door and it was really small but it put it but the act meant something right i knocked on a dude's store on clementine street in kensington to give him back ten dollars that i said i was going to borrow from him that i had no intention of borrowing that i was just going to keep and he was like first of all dude what are you doing around here right and i was like i'm just trying to make this right man i'm sorry that i brought chaos to your home and i lied when i said i wanted to borrow this 10 i had no intention of giving it back to you but here it is right i have very little money those are the kind of things that i had to do in the very beginning and and uh you know and i i started doing those things i started to realize that like you know because other periods of my life like i said I was into the book before and uh I would make like the three obligatory amends and then like i'd be like all right i'll that that's it for now right and then i would go you know with the rest of the steps and i'd start sponsoring people and stuff and i realized you know that a lot of this stuff really hits different to your family when they see you making amends like dude i i made amends to my cousin rodney i stole his vcr in 1996, dude, right? And all the times that I've been sober since then, I never went and tried to make amends to that dude. Never even thought about it, right, never crossed my mind. He wasn't even on my amends list this time, and I was just like scrolling Facebook in my car one day, and I'm like, you know, I just assumed everybody knew I did it, and Like, I've seen him at family functions and everything's cool, right? So I messaged him on Facebook. And like, you know, we talk. And I'm like, Rod, dude, I want to let you know I was wrong for bringing chaos into your home and stealing your VCR that one time. And he goes, you knows what, Eddie? I'm glad you finally admitted it. And I am like, dude I just thought everybody knew. What do you mean? Who else would it have been, right. And I said, you know, what can I do to make up for it? And he said, no, you hit me with the keep doing. And I hung up and he called me back five minutes later. He goes, you could get me a smart TV if you want. And I was like, all right, dude. All right. I went to Walmart and I got him a TV. And like, you now, dude, I'm telling you, when I put that, when I started doing that, like going and trying to make it right with people, you know what I mean, for the financial or emotional stress that I added to their lives. Like my mom, dude, like you know what I mean? Like, dude I'm, like I said, I'm almost 40 and I'm like telling my mom Mom, you should let me crash and I'll detox at your house and she'd be like Dude, my husband doesn't want you here and I am like, almost 40 I'm going to take him over me like you don't even mean like I'm 10, dude you know I mean and she's like yeah Yeah, I'm going to do that. And I'm like, you just met... Dude, this is crazy. I was like, you just meet... You haven't known the guy that long. And she said, Eddie, we got married a decade ago. I remember having that conversation with her from a phone booth on Clearfield Street. I was, like, dude, you haven't even been with... She said, we've been married for a decade. Like, what are you talking about? Like, I paid no attention to anybody else or their life. I didn't care, right? I only cared about, dude, my relationship with other human beings for the majority of my life has mainly been like, what can you contribute to me? Right. What could I get? And that's changed, man. You know, that's change. I now think of and the whole immense process has helped me do that. I now Think of what I can contribute. What can I contribute to the lives of other people? Right. And I tell people this all the time, too. when you make the transition from being the guy who needs help all the time to being the person who's helping something magical happens man and we sat in that car of a guy's house with the book it was on the center console he's like alright Eddie Dunn you need to take that book and go back in that house you live in and start opening it up with other people and I remember thinking he's out of his mind right first of all I live with them what are they going to get out of me and you know our steps like the only qualification that they say that we need to carry this message to other people is a spiritual awakening. It doesn't say like after you got a year sober and you've been working at the same job for six months. You know what I mean? There's no other qualification that it gives other than having had a spiritual awakening, right? And that's exactly what started to happen. I started to have a spiritual awakening and And, you know, probably not that day, but a week maybe later I started doing that. And that's become the backbone of my life, right? Sitting down with other people and opening a book. Sitting down when other people are opening a book. And it takes precedence over my job, right. If I make plans with somebody at 2 o'clock on Wednesday and Wednesday comes And a potential client comes and I put them off to keep the 2 o'clock appointment because it's a commitment that I made. And I talk about that with people, about how important it is to do what you say. Do what you saying and say what you do. Because how many times in my life have I not been like the most reliable person? right who i just would i just wouldn't show up right no explanation no call ahead i just wouldn't you show up and i i give people like a lot of crap that are sober that i sponsor that like you know what i mean like that don't hold it at like as sober people i'm like dude your word man like you don't mean like if you say you're going to do something right at least try your best to do it or phone like use the phone and say I can't you know um so I you know I I started showing up I started showing up for my kids man and um dude I remember I had like six months sober and I went to my daughter's high school graduation party right and other people had to pay for that and I remember sitting there thinking to myself I'm glad I'm here but I feel like a loser and years later I was able to pay for her wedding I was even able to play for the wedding and I tell this story too, like the first time her husband, who loves me I have grandkids I do stuff with my grandkids you know, I went to wrestling took my grandson to Monday Night Raw, I took my granddaughter to the movies I took her to my other granddaughter, I try to do things with them one on one and the first time their father, my son-in-law ever saw me, I was a homeless guy walking through Harvey's parking lot on Aramingo Avenue and they were in the drive-thru. And my daughter, who's kind of a clown too, she goes, oh that's my dad. And he starts laughing and she goes no, that's really my dad, right? That's my Dad for real. And that man years later asked that homeless guy his permission to marry his daughter. That's crazy. you know what i mean like that's a that's that's god that's a relationship with god and alcoholics anonymous that could pull that off i could never have done that and dude like i see like you know all this corny shit that they said throughout the years like you Know one of them was if you make a plan of the things you want when you first get sober what actually happens is way better i know i'm i said that wrong but it's something like that, right? But that's, dude, I sat in a jail cell and I thought to myself, I was about to lose my license for like a year or two, like two years, I think it was. So I didn't drive, right? And I sat In the jail cell, I thought To myself, you're never going to have anything good in life ever again. Right? You're cooked. This is it, right. You're never gonna have a place your credit's going to be bad like you know what I mean you're never going to have a car ever, you're ever going to have anything nice ever again and I remember thinking to myself I don't really care all I want to do is stop wanting to die, that's all I want, I just don't want to die anymore and I was like I don' t care about those things but maybe I can contribute to the life of someone else and the paradox of that is that Like I didn't race out. Did the lights just dim or is that just my schizophrenia? Anyway, my. So I, you know, I all the things in my life that that have happened to me have happened like like they just happen. Like, you Know, I wasn't chasing money. I wasn'T chasing a career, but they happened. right those things happen I wasn't chasing good credit it happened I wasnít chasing the best woman that Iíve ever been with in my life right but I but Iím married to that person for me like you know what I mean like who handles me very well right she just ignores me which is wonderful for her right she need you need to do that Iím not even complaining you have to do that. Like if I'm in the, cause this is, this is 24 hours, this whole, you know what I mean? Like I'm, I'm like, I'M like, she's like trying to like look at her phone. I'm like rapping in her face. Like, you don't mean like, so she just like, you know, like, like this is all day. Right. And it's, and it's funny for a little while, but after about three or four years, it's not anymore. Right? Which is cool right it's okay and um yeah my wife is insane dude um but all these things happened in my life that were that I never could have arranged myself right I never would have arranged them on my own like they kind of just fell into my lap and I I really felt you know when I was 40 I felt like 40 I was like I'm just going to be a bachelor for the rest of my life right and I went to go uh one date with my wife, and I remember having a conversation with her, and she's an alcoholist anonymous, and, and uh, she's been sober like a year less than me, and um, I remember talking to her, dude, talk about that, I've been in jail twice in my life for two weeks, she did like 18 months, I'm like, you're a gangster, right? She's on time, right, not really, but compared than me right dude she lost her license for like 12 years man she got four DUIs and two of them while Rossi was on DUI suspension that's gangster right so she didn't drive when I met her and I remember I went to her apartment to go pick her up and she was like um she's like yeah I want to be back by what such and such time and um and I was like for what and she's just like I gotta do step work, and I was like, how do you get, how do you do step work? I was, like, she goes, no, I Uber to women in recovery houses. I'm like, you Uber to them to do step work? And I was like, that's, I was wooed by that, right? Like, I was, like, wow. Like, you know, like that's like, because that, because she does the same thing that I do as far as, like our, you know, plan of action and, you know, to be sober and, like I don't know man like um i can't say enough like i i look at the future now no longer with dread i used to be like that man i used sober i would be like oh my god wake up like that like you know what i mean and don't get me wrong like you don't mean like like like my negativity like like still tries to like come on but like how it gets me is the moment i open my eyes i immediately start thinking of people i'm annoyed at right i'm like oh my god well he just shut up already dude about his wife and all like you know what i mean and then i gotta i gotta start listening to stuff right i listen like wayne dyer or whatever or uh anthony de mello and and i gotta do that like as corny as that sounds like right from the door and then sit down sit quietly i've learned to do that that's pivotal right sitting quietly every morning Sit quietly every morning. I remember reading years ago in the 12 and 12 that said we would no more go without prayer or meditation than we would food, water, or sunshine. And I remember thinking, that's a bit drastic. I understand that now. I could not live my life without quiet time in the morning. And I think it was Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers, one of those books. I was always a big AA history dude. and it did I mean it helps but it didn't keep me sober right um but I I would um I remember reading in the in this uh they asked these early AA members like what's the most important thing that you do and they were like quiet time in the morning and that always stuck with me you know so anyway man like uh you know I try to live this as a way of life I tryto pass it on to other people and I hope that my character building and my quest to grow spiritually continues. So thanks, Rich, for asking me to come out here and I Hope I did good for you guys. So that's all I got. Thank you. Thank you.