Stepping Stones Workshop – Part 3 of 14 – Jimmy A.

That sounds really good, Ian. I never did it before, but it sounded good when you were reading it. My book's going to fall apart like Nicoletta's and whoever else's book fell apart before. Hi everybody, my name is Jimmy. I am an alcoholic. Grateful to be alive and sober. and it's always been customary where I come from to let you know that I have a home group called the Design for Living Group down in Neptune, New Jersey on the Jersey Shore. I have sponsor, service sponsor but most importantly I've been sober since my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and that was on March 28th 1987 so extremely grateful to be here today thank you the Stones for inviting me love being with the other guys great talk so far and I'm here to speak on eight and nine. So I don't know, maybe I just take the dumb man's approach to this whole thing. Maybe that's why I'm here for as long as I've been here. I heard it a long time ago and I kind of believe it today that really Alcoholics Anonymous only has two goals. And the goal, the first one is the obvious one, don't pick up the first drink. But the second goal is the one we really want to attain, and that is to step into the sunlight of the Spirit. In both those instances, I have to do certain things for that to happen. I need to not pick up the first drink, but how do I do that when I'm driven by a mind that wants to take me back to the first rink? And then more importantly, I want to enter the sunlight of the spirit. I've heard you guys talk about it today. I heard you say it numerous times today. What does that really look like for me? Well, to me, the sunlight the Spirit looks like a place where we experience true partnership with God and with each other. I've never had that before. It's a place where all the promises come true in our life. We tend to read the 12 promises after the 9th step, but the literature has 225 promises in it, all as a direct result of action. So if I'm taking certain actions, these promises are going to come true. It gets to a place where the bondage itself gets removed in the sunlight of the Spirit. And there's a real freedom that I feel. I get placed in that position of neutrality, safe and protected. Now that sounds all good but I also know something that's the truth. The truth is that if I don't make amends to the people that I have hurt with my past behavior this idea of being free is just a delusional lie that I'll tell myself that I'm really a free man. Meanwhile there's wreckage, there's a swath of wreckage behind me that I have not cleaned up. So here I am, I'm in a railroad room apartment up in New Jersey. I'm on the Hudson River overlooking New York City and I'm sitting in this room, a railroad room apartment it was about the size of this room right now. I am getting a spiritual test maybe a test that some of you guys have gotten in the past. This gentleman is sitting across from me and he's asking me some questions and the first question he asked me is, how long can you hold your breath? How long can you be in a 12-step program and not work the 12 steps? Second question he asked me was, what does your relationship with God look like? I used to say I'm a good Catholic but I'll just say I am a Catholic that believes in God. But what does God have to do with this stuff? What makes you alcoholic? The best I could stammer out of my mouth in that moment was I drink too much and he asked me a question that a lot of guys are not gonna believe but if you've been around in my neighborhood back in the 80s he said where's your big book and I looked at him and I said what's a big book see I come from a neighborhood that meetings back then were just about speaker meetings discussion meetings maybe 12 and 12 minutes I'm sure this book was on a literature table I'm sure this book was at a lectern. Lectern, I got that from Scott today. You stand on the podium but you stand at a lecture just so you know. Wow you learn a lot in AA. And then and then he asked me probably probably one of the most important well he even asked question was a consideration goes Jim if AA works why do you have so many problems? Because I'm not working AA. I've heard Peter say it a million times, alcoholism doesn't come in a bottle. It comes in my mind. My mind's filled with a lot of delusions about a lot of things. Number one big delusion that abstinence is the solution to a spiritual malady. That's how I'm raised in AA in my first couple years. See, I'm less embarrassed by those answers I just told you that I gave that guy. I'm more embarrassed to let you know that I'm five years sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous at that time dying from something I don't even know I'm dying from or even understand that I'm dying from and we always say it's untreated alcoholism everything looks great externally but I got this thing going on inside and I don' t know how to talk about this thing I don´t know even how to explain this thing I don''t even know how to put it into words this thing that´s going on inside of me I put the good AA game face on when I walk into a meeting or a church basement hey Jimmy how you doing great watching Yankee games Yeah, everything's great. Great, great. Everything's great, great, but like Scott you know I want to eat a bullet. I got a rope, I just need a bridge to jump off because I'm dying in here. You see here's the problem when you're around here for a little bit, pride and ego likes to take its rightful place in my life. And pride and Ego says don't ask, don't ask for help, don' raise your hand, don''t do any of that stuff. Just suffer in silence in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. But see this guy Bill Grace who comes from St. Paul Minnesota, the same place my sponsor comes from today ironically, starts to paint the picture of what this is really about. Talks about those two goals. Paints a visualization for a dumb guy like me of how you're gonna get free. He said Jim the sunlight the spirit is nothing more than being in this room right now and if you look out the windows you look at the door the sun is out there beautiful but in order to get out into that sunlight I got to walk through the darkness of my life we've heard that today I got a walk through that muck I gotta walk through these things that you know the girls were talking about this inventory I got walk through this fifth step I got to walk through a lot of different things to get out there in the sunlight of the spirit. Now, I've read this thing a million times, and I'll read it every time because this is one of the most important readings that I've ever read in our literature, and it comes out of a book called Daily Reflections. And if you turn to May 1st, it says, it's the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look on the dark side in order to heal my mind and my heart because that's the road to freedom. I must walk into the darkness to find the light, and walk into fear to find peace. But the way the old time is used to say that back in my neighborhood was like this, that AA is nothing more than a big bonfire. Most people are walking around the fire, you know? But eventually the fire's gonna burn down and die out. But if you really wanna grow, if you want a relationship with God, if you wanna have freedom and taste freedom, you gotta walk through the fire and get your ass burnt and feel the uncomfortability of change. are you willing, Jim? And I was willing because I'm dying in here. I'm dying and I want what you guys have. Nothing pissed me off more than a guy that came in after me that was doing better than me. You know, what's he doing? What's he doing? That was it. What's the secret? So we start still through that process. I had no idea what I was up against. He took me to the doctor's opinion and started to talk about that stuff. I have no idea about the phenomena of craving, no idea that the manifestation of that allergy is a you know it's well yeah you know the physical craving, the physical allergy is the manifestations the phenomena of the craving. I ain't no idea about this second legged or three-legged stool, about this obsession, the idea that's so strong that it's going to overcome all other ideas. I had no idea about this thing that's inside of me. Old-timers used to say this all the time, and I said, that's a great throwaway line. Alcoholism is a soul sickness caused by a separation from God and a disconnect from each other. Hmm. No wonder why there's a wall between me and you. See, because I'm raised with a lot of secrets, like a lot OF us. I'm raising in a house where I got a dad who was a tough guy. I got a guy that, you know, I'm terrified of My father But what I would witness on a daily basis He would come home My mom would make these two pitchers And one martinis, the other one Manhattans He'd take that first drink And I'd see the magic happen Six-year-old, seven-year old, eight-year older Become a different person Right? My dad's that generation There's no hugs There's not fireside chats There's none of that stuff going on I'm terrifying my father because of his anger because sometimes he would take that first drink. All of a sudden, the plates, the chairs, everything would be flying across the kitchen because my dad would erupt in this violence and anger, and I'm scared. I'm a little kid. I'm insecure. There's no validation for the way I feel. Who do I go to? And more importantly, there's secrets because if you're like me or come from a family like me, what goes on in the house stays in the House. Matter of fact, what goes one in the neighborhood stays in a neighborhood. You don't talk about the wall that's right in here. And so I'm building this wall for 5, 10, 15 years of my life. I'm not coming out and you're not coming in. I will be surface and give you the bare minimum when it comes to talking about Jimmy. So here we go. I'm taking these steps with this guy Bill Grace. I sought to understand the problem. Beautifully talked about by Nicoletta. Step two. Nowhere, nowhere in our literature does it say anything about AA getting us to quit drinking. Sorry, it's just quite the opposite. You can't stop. The lack of power is your dilemma. You have no mental defense against the first drink. See, AA is designed to do one thing really well, to lead us to the great reality called God, and to have this spiritual experience. You see, that chapter, we agnostics, is the wake-up call for many of us. Because a lot of us are walking around here with a lot of old ideas about a lot things. You see when I started to understand that, I started to chase this thing. And as Peter spoke about it last night, I made that decision based on the information that I read. I took my life experience and I looked at that third step and I said yeah that's me the director of life I'm controlling I'm manipulative I'm always wanting I'm selfish I'm self-centered it's all my troubles yeah I could see it as black and white and I got on my knees like he got on his knees and I held the man's hands this guy Bill I didn't know the prayer I had to open up the book he said the prayer but I'll tell you one thing I've been at this point five years sober I can't even tell you how many prayer circles I've in holding your hands as we say the Lord's prayer, the serenity prayer. But when I was on my knees with that guy that day, something different was about that because I could feel his spirit come into my spirit. And when I got off my feet, when I got off My knees, He said, it's time to go into the hallway. The hallway of life. See, when i sit with the guys at my kitchen table, you know, I just point down the hallway, see that glass door? Step out that glass store, you'll be in the sunlight of the Spirit. But in order to get out there, you have to walk through the darkness of your life. You have to walk through the darkness of your hallway. You have To uncover, discover and discard the things that are blocking you from God and from each other. Are you willing to do that? And what I understood in that moment when I got off my knees and he taught me about how to write an inventory, I found out that I need to be something which I thought was a weakness is really strength in disguise. I had to be vulnerable. The tough guy had to go away because I'm a tough guy like all you guys. Tough guy, tough girl. I had to be vulnerable to another man I had a trust someone else To hold my hand and walk me through the process And I sought to uncover, discover And discard the things in me I sought look at the common manifestations of living a life on self-will I looked up my resentments I looked at my fears Looked at those sexual harms But he knew I was really sick So I had look at a lot of other kinds of harms Emotional harms, physical harms, financial harms Harms other than sex I had get it all down on paper and then I had the most unbelievable day, like Nicoletta talked about, my original fifth step. Other than my two children being born it was the most powerful transformational day of my life. And when I took that hour I went down to a place I didn't go home put the book on the shelf and take it down, I went to a place called Liberty State Park on the Jersey side overlooking Manhattan right on the Hudson River. Walked out on a pier, sat on that pier, read the first five proposals thank God for what's happened stones properly in place all the things were supposed to do and also I looked to my right quarter mile down Statue of Liberty look to my left Ellis Island and I will cross a river nice sort of World Trade Center symbols of freedom and here I sat there's a 32 year old man with tears coming down my eyes for the first time my life I could feel the arms of God wrapped around my shoulders and I knew I was gonna be okay. I knew I was going to be okay, I knew if I stuck with you and continued to do what I was doing and get in the three sides because I was very clear on something when I had 90 days that I stood at a podium like this with a shirt and a tie and a jacket on because that's what my sponsor told me I'm supposed to do and he held that little 90-day pin and he point to that insignificant dot and say Jimmy, that's you. But I want to make you a promise. If you put one hand in God and one hand in AA and get involved in the three legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous, you'll never have a hand to pick up a drink. So I offer that promise to you if you're in here brand new coming back or here 30 years and having a lot of trouble. Put one hand on God, put one in AA, get involved into three legacies of Alcoholics anonymous, a home group, two steps, service, giving us away in abundance and I promise you this, kind of guarantee any of this, but we don't make guarantees in AA. You'll never have a hand to pick up a drink. Wow! A guy like me? That could happen to a guy like me? Yeah it could happen to a guys like you or a woman like you. So here that same flies around here from last night. Nobody killed that thing yet? Oh character defects just Scott just talked about that and you know Scott just gave a good talk on six and seven but I don't remember him crying or acting like I was crying when he did it last time but I come out of six and 7 I've got three questions what are you willing to stop doing what do you're willing to start doing that's two questions getting better but I'll talk about that you know at the fifth set my sponsor hands me a sheet of paper goes here's what I see here's the behaviors that are repeated throughout your life it threw out your story are they objectionable yeah they're objectionable in that moment over what about two weeks from now two months from now to use when they still objectionable what are you willing to start doing whatever you're willing to stop doing awareness is the greatest tool we have in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why we need to pray and meditate and get present to the moment because that's the only time I'll experience the awareness that I need to do to bring God into my life. But then there's a consideration that comes out of six and seven for me. It's probably one of the most important things I've ever heard or was ever considered to say to myself. Well, I don't even how to put that in English. Do I look at the people, situations and circumstances of my life through a lens of a character defect or through the eyes of God? Do I look at two people,situations and circumstances in my life presently, currently, right now, through the lens of a character defect or through the eyes of God? Talk about the people in your life right now. How about your partner, your husband, your wife, your kids, co-worker, your sponsor, your AA friends, your neighbors, the mailman, the milkman, you name it. Do I look at that person with anger, resentment, fear envy, jealousy selfishness, self-centeredness the list of character defects goes from here to my house forgiveness or do I attempt or try to look through that stuff through the eyes of God with love with compassion with forgiveness and let me ask you a question if love intolerance is our code is it really our code or is that just another throwaway line that's in that book are we really loving and tolerant towards the people that rub us the wrong way I see a lot of us walk in here we got that pendulum one day I'm happy next day I hate everything one day I love her the next day i hate it I see what we're talking about to this weekend is the process of getting that pendulum to stop swinging so broadly and get to place that bill wilson calls the gift and what that gift is is getting right size and see there's a little wiggle room because that's life or as my sponsor likes to say none of us adhere to these principles why because we're all human beings on a spiritual walk and sometimes we just lose focus of the spiritual walk but if i can get to that place with the help of god and the help of you and the hope of a sponsor and showing up and being accountable and being of service guess what we can experience, what Bill writes in the seventh step about the next frontier called emotional sobriety. That no matter what, we could be okay. But that's not the end of the work because there's more to do here. And one of the things we need to do is to start going back into our past and start cleaning up our past because I'll never experience true emotional sobriety, as long as I owe you money. As long as I owe an amends. As I don't go back and start cleaning up some of the stuff that I have." So when my sponsor listened to my fit step what he did was he wrote two lists. One was the character defects, the behaviors that were so apparent to him but weren't apparent to me because I have a disease of perception. The way I see things sometimes just looks goddamn normal. But to him it's like, Jimmy you're selfish, you're dishonest, you have You know, you're attached to other people's opinions of you. I mean, there's so many things that he wrote down. I was like, my head was spinning. But he also wrote a list of the people I've harmed with my behavior. He made my list, my eight-step list. And like the book talks about, we made an accurate self-appraisal of that list. Let's go over this list, Jim. Do you think you owe this person an amends? Hopefully this book doesn't go flying. So we had this list. Now, I know I'm not going to go into all about your mechanics. I mean, some of you guys like to get the index cards. You put dandelions and butterflies on it. You have the highlighter. You've got a lot of stuff like that. That's one way of writing that list. Nothing wrong with that. Some of us get a legal pad, and we just start with the list from the top to the bottom. I love what it says in the 12 and 12 and step 9 on first on the first page of step 9 how to break this list up number one those who we ought to be dealt with just as soon as we're reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety the people I can go to right now those to whom we can only make partial restitution because we're going to because complete disclosures do them others more harm than good. Cases where action ought to be deferred, and then the last part of that list was others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all. And see in this day and age you could find anyone. First time I went through this we didn't have Facebook and social media and all that other stuff. You had to become a junior detective to find people. But guess what? When I'm relying on God and I'm willing anything is possible here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that's for sure I just got to be willing so here we go I go through this list and you know again a great line that they write in here is remember if I could see it remember it was agreed why did Bill write this think about this why did bill write this, remember it was agreed at the beginning that we would go to any length for victory over alcohol. Why did Bill write that? Because he knew human nature and what he knew is that we'd be terrified when we saw that list. He knew we would be afraid and he wants us to remember that we tell our sponsor we'll go to anything left even though that list looks daunting, scary, boogeyman type, but I'm willing. Why am I willing? Step one is why I'm willing. I don't want to drink again. I'm convinced of that. Even though I'm afraid here, I'm convinced of it. But I've been afraid the whole way. I've been afraid to write inventory. I wrote inventory. I'm afraid of a fifth step. I'll write in a fifth step. All these steps, there's fear attached to all of it and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that as long as I keep on moving and as long I'm vulnerable to another man. So I break up this list. We got three purposes in Alcoholics Anonymous if you didn't know it. Singleness of purpose, primary purpose and real purpose. And what we're trying to do right now is real purpose, to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and to others. So, I got this list, all There's mechanics to a list. I'm sure you guys who have done this have the mechanics. We all sound like we're doing the same thing. How do I get dressed? How do I show up? How do I make an appointment? What's the intent of the ninth step? Is it for relief? Is it to feel better? That happens. But the intent of this is really to be free, right? And the focus should always be on one amends a day. That's what I was taught. Will one amens a day be done? No. But I'm willing to go out and make reparations one day at a time, as many as I can, as quickly as I could. Why? Step one is chasing me. My ego, my pride wants to just take a break. I want a coffee break in AA. There are no coffee breaks in AA. I gotta get to this list and I gotta be willing to go to any length to get to his list. So Bill paints a bunch of scenarios for us. The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. I don't know maybe Maybe I'm a little anal in this stuff, but why is that in past tense? Hate it. Past tense. You're telling me I'm not going to hate this guy at this point? Hopefully you won't be. Three times in the inventory process, I was given a heads up. I was giving a heads-up that I'm going to have to go back to the people that I've harmed with my behavior, and I'm gonna have to make things right. Right? It gave me an action plan, a plan of action. how to get rid of the resentment that I have. We call it the sick man's prayer, right? When I'm angry, God, please take away my anger. Help me to be helpful. I'm paraphrasing. Help me be, you know, helpful and useful, whatever the wording is. If that's not working, there's a story on page 551, freedom from bondage. Gwen Law writes a great story about How do I deal with a 25-year resentment? Bring that person into prayer every day. I've had to do this too. Pray that they get everything in your life or their life, what you want in your Life. Happiness, sobriety, freedom, right? Do it every day, do it until the resentment gets lifted. Sometimes two weeks, sometimes two months, doesn't make a difference of how willing I am I to do that prayer. Do I want to be free? because I can tell you something, by the time I got here when I read that line, I knew the person that I hated the most in the moment or on my inventory the hatred wasn't there anymore so the first amends I've ever made was to a priest because I knocked them out every time I say that I look up I don't know why it's like my neck just goes up I'm waiting to get hit by a lightning bolt or something And why I knocked this priest out was because I'm a wise ass. I'm a wiseass who thinks he's a tough guy. I'm in high school. My parents all they ever wanted for me was to give me good values, morals and education. I've always gone to like these Jesuit prep schools and I'm into this prep school in New Jersey. I'm In a classroom and the priest is you know he's you know asking. He was a hard guy he was just a tough guy you know and I took it personal everything he said and one day he threw me out of his classroom and I opened the door ask him you know father wait and he came at me and I grabbed him I oh I knocked him out right down the wall he slid now the good news about that is my mom was the secretary to the principal in that high school so I run down the hallway and I said mom you're not gonna believe what just happened she goes yes I am what now you know yes I am and I told her what happened fast forward I got my list and father J is on that list and I find out where he lives so I make a phone call to him this is pre cell phones and I call him up and I say listen I'd like to come and talk to you about you know just like we do I make the appointment so I go to his house a couple towns away little do I know he's not a priest anymore. Little do I know that one of the nuns that was in the convent is not a nun anymore, and those two hooked up, and they got like ten kids now. So I go there, and I make the approach, and he goes, let me, before you say anything, I'd like to talk to you. And I said, what? He goes, I need to make amends to you, and I'm sitting there, like this is my first amends. I'm terrified as it is, and I'M sitting there and he starts making amends to me, and what I find out is he's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and he's making amends to me and then I'm making, it was so bizarre when I think about it. And what I always like to say, if you're a priest in here right now and you want to get out of the, I'll knock it out of you that's a little joke okay, I won't say that Bill goes on to talk about you know, going at any lengths really gives us some things to really think about you know don't talk about their faults that's the great news of Alcoholics Anonymous no one has to change for me in order for me to get better I need to change nine out of ten times they unexpected happens right we go there and like that case right there I'm going there to make it immense to him for the behavior on my part and he's making amends to me it's incredible and I've heard that so many times from sponsors, from you guys. Most alcoholics owe money. One of the biggest understatements in this book along with we are not saints. I mean twenty seven thousand eight hundred eighty one dollars and seventy six cents. That's how much I robbed. That's what I was indicted on, one year sober, two counts of grand theft because I thought I could rip off unemployment in the 70s thinking I could outfox a computer. I'm one year sober and I get an indictment from the state of New Jersey, and when you get a letter from the State of New Jersey with the seal on it they're not looking for like employment opportunities they're after you for something. And I'm terrified because that's my secret. One of many secrets to be honest with you. That's my secret. Not gonna talk about this. One year sober. I didn't talk to my sponsor until I was going through this work for the first time at five years sober. I held on to that secret for five years. It almost ate my lunch because I know I'm a fraud. My pride and my ego just could not open my mouth and say, I am in trouble. So I answered the indictments. I went to court. My sponsor at the time said, get a couple of guys to write nice letters about you. That always helps. I mean, my lawyer said that. You know, I got five letters. I got Five Guys in court, guy at the end. I don't even know who he is. He writes, Jimmy makes good coffee on Tuesday. Like, where'd you come from? I'm like, oh, you. And what I couldn't see, because I went to my wife at the time and said, well, I'll probably have to go to jail on this one. She knew my old behavior. She knew me. She knew where I came from. But God did for me that day what I couldn't do for myself. I showed up terrified and at the end of that the judge looked at me and said you know what it'd be a real waste of time to put you in jail right now it seems like from the men that you brought with you that you're really helping a lot of people to the best of your ability yes sir I am trying five years probation and I had to pay it all back with a lot interest the good news is you know I I paid it back in two years. It was over $35,000. I paid her back in two years and I was a free man. He goes on to talk about criminal offenses. Yeah, I'm a petty little wannabe wise guy. Locked up for this, locked up for that. Pay fines, probation, blah, blah. Heard Peter telling a story one day and sometimes your memory just doesn't remember certain things that happened, right? And he's talking about and maybe it wasn't Peter but I believe Peter or he was robbing locker rooms, lockers or something in high school or something like that, or maybe the gym. I don't even remember what it was. All I know is after whoever said that, I said to myself, holy moly, I used to rob candy stores when I was little. Why I would rob candy stories is because I wanted your affection or I wanted you to help me out. Or your approval or whatever it is, right? So I'd walk into a candy store with all my little 8th grade friends and I had the old bookcase that looked like a half a moon and you know it was leather and i'd fill it up with everything and then i'd go outside and like the pied piper you know i'd be handing away everything same behavior when i eventually went to a bar and buying drinks for everyone because i'm a big shot and it hit me it hit me and i think i went to peter i said i can't believe i forgot this on all my inventories i forgot that i didn't remember that right and i And I think he said, you know what to do. At the time, I had this Honda Ridgeline. It was like half car, half SUV, half pickup truck. I don't even know what it was. How much? How much do you owe? How much is that? How much did you steal? I don' remember. It was a long time ago. So how do you put that back into the universe? The people that owned the candy store were about 100 years old back then. They're not around. The neighborhood's a crack den now, where I used to do this stuff. So how do you put back into the neighborhood something you took out of the neighborhood? People had great trust in those people. They went to those people and they gave them their business. How do I put back into the neighborhoods something I've taken out of that neighborhood? And it hit me, well, why don't you load up your truck, go to Costco or wherever I went, come up with a number, it was a high number, And I filled my truck up, and I went to a lunch kitchen where my home group was. The same church. And you would have thought these ladies, these older ladies that were running this soup kitchen for the homeless, hit lotto when I pulled up and said to them, This is for you. Where do I put it? Now, I'm not saying that in an egotistical way. I just knew something had to be done. And when I dropped that food off, andI dropped all that stuff off, And I unloaded that truck. The smiles on their faces, it wasn't, that's not what we're talking about. Relief and feel better? Yeah, of course I felt relief and felt better. But it wasn'T until I pulled out of that driveway, I don'T think my tires hit the road because I just felt this sense of freedom about getting right with the world again when it came to that specific thing. That'S why I had to go back. live in amends I've heard this ex-wife of mine so much I walked out of our marriage twice when I went to her and made amends the first time she told me you know you know where you to go I don't want to even hear about your man so how do I do that well my sub sponsor at the time just suggested Jimmy you just got a is that really three o'clock what time nice thought one I'm doing good. I had this down to five hours, and now I've got it down to two hours. Point being, okay, so Jimmy, you've just got to be a living amends. You might not be somebody's husband, but you'll always be someone's father. So you need to show up for your kids. And I showed up for my kids religiously. one of the gifts that I got was in 1997 just after I split up with her I was in a horrific accident I've been retired since December 6 1999 at the age of 41 years old had 41 operations I'm like 5 foot 8 but with all the metal on me I'm six foot four it's a miracle how it happened but uh but I was able to show up for everything for my children when they were this big from eight years old to five years old at 33 and 30 now. And I was able to form a relationship with my ex-wife. I coach girls basketball. I'll never forget this day, the actions intense back and forth back and fourth and it's like God grabbed me by the back of the collar said look in the stands. And looked in the stance and who's sitting there? My ex- wife is sitting with my wife of today and my mother and all I I could say is wonder what they're talking about and why I tell you that story is because that's the healing that goes on here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous there was nothing to be afraid about what they were talking about because my slate was clean when my daughter eventually got married who walked her up the aisle but me and my ex-wife you know the family has healed The family illness of alcoholism has healed because of my willingness to be in AA and her willingness at that time to be an Al-Anon. And she took care of herself, and obviously I've been taking care of myself. For the last 18 months of my sobriety, or 18 months with my drunken law, whatever, I lived on the streets of northern New Jersey. i didn't call my family for 19 months nobody knew where i was doing what we doing what we do as peter said one night on the streets is one night too many ducking and avoiding every person i ever met in my family friends nobody knew anything about me and i ran into my sister in a bar one night i was probably out on the street 13 14 months and she was horrified to see me she thought I died because there was no contact I'll never forget going to her and talking about that the fear that she had when she saw me a brother me my little sister was like like peanut butter and jelly we were tight and that trust and everything that I ever tried to teach her as a big brother and all that. I shattered her life. I'll never forget going to her. She was just so grateful that I was alive, and you know, our relation today is unbelievable. It goes on to talk about, you know reminding ourselves that we decided to go to any length of spiritual experience. How come it went from remembering that we will go to anything for victory over alcohol, to reminding ourselves that we will go to any length for a spiritual experience why that switch in like a page and a half because sometimes the immense comes looking for you that's why sometimes it's about just seeing that person and knowing that I got to go up to that person no matter what I can't call my sponsor I can even pray right now I just gotta go to that and that happened to me outside a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous with my first girlfriend I know it sounds kind cheesy but that's what happened and she's running on the boardwalk down on their Jersey Shore and I'm outside a meeting and as she's walking running down I'm like no no no that can't be her and then like say that's her you know and like boom and I stopped her in the tracks and I can't even tell you how much of the feeling of spirit entered me when I was able to make that approach and talk about what I did to her and all she looked at me was keep doing what you're doing keep on going to AA little things like that I think I started late Scott you mean thank you so sometimes we stall on our own ends sometimes we'd come up with excuses so I'm sponsoring this kid guy we know belongs to a notorious motorcycle gang California and I'm taking him through the steps and he has to do three new men's in California's in Jersey at the time he has go back to the California to make these amends one was to go through a divorce one was too quick this this this club that he was in and believe me it wasn't like quitting the knights of columbus and he had to go back to prison for a little bit and so he goes out to california goes through the divorce goes to the clubhouse says to these guys you know i'm done they said well we want you to do one thing before you're done and he goes i can't do that then they come up with another scenario i can do that either and then they said to him well you know what's going to happen now because i'm ready for it and he took him out into the alleyway and three guys almost beat him to death I don't know how I got this picture but his head looked like an eggplant it was like that big and it was purple and he was in the infirmary he went into the prison afterwards and he said to me and he goes M-F-N-M-E U-A-A why did I do this, why did i do any of these i don't believe in this stuff why does God do this stuff to us and he's sitting in the prison yard and he tells me this story and he gives me the right to tell this story. And he's sitting there feeling sorry for himself when all of a sudden a young guy walks up to him and says, hey, this is my first day in this jail do you know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous? And he looks at him and he goes, oh shit He goes, yeah, I come in here, I'm doing my amends and I know there's meetings in prisons and jails and all that other stuff but is there an AA meeting in here? Because I want to stay sober and this guy who i'm sponsoring is sitting there and he's like can't believe that this guy's having this conversation with him and he starts to talk about himself to this guy to this kid and then all of a sudden in a prison yard in northern california as he tells me he got on his knees with this kid with all the things that go on in that life around them and they felt comfortable enough to get on their knees and do a third step prayer And he took this guy through the ninth step on his pod. The guy got transferred off the pod, and he never saw the guy again. And then he knew. He knew why God had him there, to help another alcoholic. 1992, I make amends to my mother. My dad's dead now. I found my father dead at 18 months over. quick little story about that Freddie who was here last night will tell you this all the time God will use you without your permission 18 months sober I find my father dead I'm looking at him and I'm like my mother's down the hall crying I call my sponsor because I'm programmed 18 months old what do I do? Call 911 let's pray we're praying all of a sudden the first cop shows up starts taking down the information goes I don't see you walking the streets anymore Yeah, I don't do that. Matter of fact, I don't even see you doing, uh, I don't ever see you in a bar drinking anymore. I go, I'm not going to do that either. He goes, how do you do that? I go to this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous and apparently it's helping me. And this is where God started to use me without his permission because I started to ante up my life to this guy. And I 12-stepped that cop over my dead father's body two months ago in my home group. Tap on my shoulder. Roger was there. I turn around. It's the cop. Let me know that he just celebrated 33 years of sobriety. I don't have that power, but God will use us when our slate starts to get clean to carry this message. 1992 I make amends to my mother everything goes well my mom's now a single woman you know my dad's dead my mom moves down the Jersey Shore I'm the closest sibling to my mothers so I kind of like I'm always you know taking care of your mom right that's what we do take care of you mom old school she never drove a car in her life I take her everywhere shop and let you know make my amends fast forward 2016 my mom's got dementia starting to get dementia she goes in for an operation doctor comes to us and says your mom needs a knee replacement she's 90 years old what do you mean a knee replacement your mom's an exercise freak and she's a perfect candidate to get a knee replacement at 90 years oh she gets it I've had three she's had one never took a pain pill nothing like that i don't get that still to this day you know is there another fake knee replacement here but the dementia from being put under anesthesia that old really brings the dementia on and very quickly i became the parent of my mom it's a weird weird thing the parent of your parent and it's really like a humbling experience to do that with them can't take care of her no more we put her into assisted living last year she gets covered the whole place gets covered and i just got my knee replaced for the third time i'm walking out of physical therapy the hospice nurse calls me goes get over here now she's not going to last so I get over to the physical therapy place I mean it's just a living place do the tests put the PPE on and I walk in hospice nurse stops me says listen before you walk in that room she's not gonna look like what you saw her last time which is over like three months now she's not gonna be able open her eyes and not be able to open her mouth but she's gonna know that you're in here and I walked in and it wasn't my mother I said hi mom and her chest exploded with breath and I had that moment the moment I've heard from a million podiums the moment I've heard from the evidence of Alcoholics Anonymous on how you show up for someone that you love and I was able to sit next to my mother and have a conversation and not that I needed a formal amends because I did that already because at 90 day when my mom was 90 that's what I forgot to tell you well my mom was 90 years old after her knee replacement sitting with my wife and me having lunch in my house she looked at me 26 years later after I made amends and said I couldn't find it for two years I walked the streets of Jersey City looking for my son and I couldn' find you I went to bars asking your friends where you are I couldn''t find you and my first response is he had to answer that. You've got to rationalize that. You've gotta justify that. And God said no. And I didn't say anything. And then with the dementia it just passed. But here I am sitting with her holding her hand thanking her, the greater neighbor of my mom telling her how much I love her and it's time to go home to God. And I gotta tell you I got up I looked at her and I knew that was it And I walked out And I got a phone call an hour later That she was dead Powerful, powerful stuff We do in here Having that moment That moment that God gives us To show up and suit up And be there for our parents You know The summary of the spirit There's a certain language That goes on in that place there's a certain thing we talk about when we're in the sunlight of the spirit that doesn't go on when we are not it's kind of like the tail of the tape for you boxing fans on one side of the ring we got the bedevilments on page 52 and on the other side of the wing we got the 12 promises after the 9th step and you know it's really amazing when you think about it it's only 31 pages of action that we take from what I forgot who did step two, Scott that he talked about it's only 31 pages of action that we take to get free because when we're free and when we are living in the sunlight of the spirit this is what we talk about if we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are half way through we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace no matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows self-seeking will slip away our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us, we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we can never do for ourselves that's the key to the door that's the key to the key to the door that we understand that God is doing for us what we can never do for ourselves it's the key that opens the door to this life it's the key that we all need to use to get out there into the sunlight of the spirit that's the gift and as Bill Wilson writes in the 12 and 12 it's a precious gift so I have one question about the gift what are you doing with it? what are your doing with your gift today? are you giving it back in abundance? are you clear yet? have you cleaned up your past yet? it's a one-day gift peter will talk about that in 10 11 we have a daily reprieve contingent upon what a spiritual condition or you gym rats you know what that looks like when you're with your physical condition well we have some conditioning in here of prayer meditation service more importantly one hand in god one hand and aa and get involved in these three legacies of alcoholics synonymous. And what I promise you is not only won't pick up a drink, but you will be free. That's all I got. Thank you.