Stepping Stones Workshop – Part 2 of 14 – 2010 – Peter M.

My name is Peter, recovered alcoholic, grateful to be alive and sober and part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's past my bedtime and I bet you a bunch of others. For newcomers, you know, after a while you start to get tired around eight o'clock, so Welcome to the NFL. Thank our speakers. So good to see you, Nicoletta. And thanks, Scott. And I really got kind of hoodwinked into this. My wife and our wives are getting together for some event. And Jimmy says, hey, listen, why don't you come up to Stepping Stones? The last time I was here was about 40 below zero, and there was no parking. Some things never change. And I flew from Fort Lauderdale this morning. I don't know what's in the tank. I've been up since 2 o'clock. Walked in and got a pretzel with mustard. I mean, that's a good payoff. So I don' know what it's in a tank. But Jimmy said, why don't you join us for this? And quite frankly, I love living in Florida, But I love to get up here and see some old friends and see my friends. It's a treat to be up here. And I'm supposed to talk on step three, and I have no idea what God is going to feed me tonight. June 23, 1988, it was a loving God separated me from alcohol. I'm very grateful for this gift of sobriety and very grateful, as I've said, for a million of these podiums. More and more, the longer I'm sober and the older I'm getting, especially grateful for the many things not only God has given me but has continued to remove from me the narratives in the head that tell me what I'm supposed to have to be a better man, to be a better AA member, to Be Successful, what that looks like in my mind. And God has kept me at a very safe distance from all of that. And very often I left claw marks and many of those things. but he keeps pruning the tree and I'm very grateful for that one of the things I need to look at is how far into the forest do I really want to go am I really seeking complete transformation or just looking to get comfortable because what I want to do is just walk in a little bit into the forest and sum up the forest say I'm done and God says go all the way and when I tell him I'll be lost and I don't know where to go when I get in the middle he said it's exactly where I need you. Because as long as if I have options, I don't really need that much God. And that's what God has done for me many, many times in the 34 plus years I'm sober. Very often, I've gotten to a corner and didn't know which way to go. I really didn't notice. Should I go left, right, straight, or go back where I came from? And it's incredibly uncomfortable to be there. And the ego will fight every moment of that the pride will jump right in on that but at some point when I really know from my innermost self I don't know where to go and I ask God for help and help me in a complete prayer and suddenly in that darkness in my most vulnerable place in my what feels like my most weakest moment is where I touch God's strength and power as long as I think I'm running this showing I'm okay. I got it under control. I got spirituality. I've just lost it. I have God. I no longer have God. So I have found over and over and again is the seeking is where I'm experiencing God, the chopping wood and carrying water. There is no destination. I learned that many, many years ago. My ego tells me we've arrived and we can put the car in neutral and the soul says keep moving, keep moving. I need to go all the way into the forest. I do have a home group it's called Alcoholics and God we meet Mondays and Thursdays I'm there on Thursday nights almost every Thursday night and I do service at my home group I learned many many years ago I can't just come and have a cup of coffee sit in the back and take beyond sponsorship what am I giving back to AA because it feeds me still so I need to be committed to a group and I speak for myself and do some sort of service where it's making coffee in the bag or setting up or breaking down and other levels of service I need to be. That's one side of our rich legacy. I do have a sponsor. His name is Bob from St. Paul, Minnesota. And I sponsor about 10 men and time is really tight. My wife sponsors about 15 women. Our house sounds like a phone room sometimes. But it keeps us on the firing line of life and I couldn't see it any other way. I don't have a life that belongs to God. And if you knew that sounds terribly lame. but if you're around here a while you'll get what I'm talking about if I try to find my life I will lose it if I lose it for his sake I find it and with all the things that life throws at us because life is unfair it's problematic we live in a world of impermanence you know I try not to I try sit with newcomers say get ready for the ride because life is really unfair I've been given a GPS to navigate through that on most days fairly light I don't have to travel so heavy anymore I just need to be careful that am I listening to God or the part of me that thinks it's God and the longer I'm sober that can get slippery when I start to get comfortable I know the people, I know where the coffee is, I knows the group I know their speaking the speakers know me, I'm important now and I start to worship my mind that I think it's God and I'm not even aware of it until I hit the wall so on June 23rd 1988 I get to Alcoholics Anonymous after my seven treatment center and like Nick letter I know what it is to live on the streets and live in an abandoned building because that's where my alcoholism took me to in 1988 and you know if you've been on the street for one night it's too long and too painful when you're out there for a while it does things to you. Not only tears you up physically, but all hope is lost. As a man, I lost all self-respect as a man doing the things I had to do for the price of a drink and sleeping in an abandoned building and knowing I have no place to lay my head and not showering and not eating, but for the prize of a drinking. I'll deal with it. And what's really frightening about alcoholism for me, it stopped working. Alcohol wasn't even working. It was giving me a pulse basically. There was no getting high, you know, that was long gone. I need to drink to stop this. And it took what it took to get me to a place of getting surrendered in 1988. I just want to share about that last moment. I always, when I sit with newcomers, I always want to know, what was the thing that brought you here or brought you to treatment or detox? It's all an event. It's a moment. It's today. Whether it's Park Avenue or Park Base, there's something that happens where The pilot light gets turned on. Something that clicks is, oh, my God, this is it. I remember a newcomer telling me, he said, I'm tired. It was a great answer. So you have the six treatment centers and bouncing in and out of AA drunk. I never came to an AA meeting sober, by the way. But the few times I came in, they had me pinned up against the wall, drunk as a skunk, and people said, just keep coming back. They never threw me out. But it was June 23, 1980. I had no clue it was the month of June, let alone June 23. I'd lost track of time and space. It was like coming to when the morning terror and madness were on me, and I knew I needed a drink to settle the belly and stop the shaking and the nauseousness and all of it. And at this point, I know I need a shower because I reek and I haven't bathed in a while. God knows what a really good meal tastes like. It's the life. You're in the life, and I remember this day clearly. I got up off the floor, and it was as if somebody kicked me in the back of the knees because they buckled, and I go down on the floor. And I couldn't move. And it was like reality showed up. And what I've experienced over the years, over and over and ever again, that the truth will find me. You know, I can lie, cheat, and steal, and then the truth Will find me I can pretend I'm spiritual. I'm really not. The truth will Find me. It always does. And sometimes when the truth finds me, it doesn't feel good. The ego gets crushed, but it's necessary to be free. And so I'm in this hallway and I'm on the floor and I begin to weep uncontrollably and I can't stop the weeping. It was as if my life passed before my eyes. And I thought back to being 14 years old and having my first cold 45 quart of beer and it was euphoric and how did I get here? How did I Get From That with all the promise of a musician? I was the kid in my block and my neighbor who was going to make it out via music. There was lots of hope for me. I'm sure all of us have heard one point in life, you have so much potential. And here I am. I just hope I never get so well that I think I've become immune from the tactics of my illness. Because I learned over and over again that this thing that I have gets a life by devouring mine. and I remember the very same God that I had mocked and spat at and cursed and despised I was never an atheist certainly agnostic the God I had mocked, spat at and cursed and despise for taking my mom away from me when I was 14 she committed suicide and giving me this tough guy dad who I never got along with and turning me into what I was I was a bum on the street i looked at men who uh were religious and i mocked them as weak and cowardly i looked askance at many individuals who claim to be godly you know in fact god of religions was for women and children not for men it's a fake god it's you know it's walt disney it's baloney until i was out of reservations i mean i brought was brought to this place And that very same God, I had begged for mercy. And I remember the words clearly, please take me from this. I don't want to die. I've heard my sponsor, many men say this, and it's very true. It's one phrase that says we live life forward and understand it backwards. So I didn't understand at that moment. I didn' t even think about it. I'm just begging God for mercy, please take me form this. I don' t want to di. Think about it now as turning my will and life over to care of God in that moment of desperation. I'm not going to turn anything over to God if I'm not feeling desperate because I'm still driving and everything's okay but I wasn't thinking on June 23rd 1988 I need to go to detox, I need to go treatment, I'll come to AA do 90 and 90 and be Moses I'll do a workshop and I'll tell people how to do this and I'm going to be rich and famous in AA none of that, none of it none of what was anywhere to be found and I thought about that many times and I feel so blessed that God removed, kept me out of my own mind. As long as I'm out of mind, I'm doing great. And he took me out from my mind for a moment. There was no thinking going on. There was not narrative. There was planning. There were no ideas about what I need to get better. Because as long as if I was doing that on June 23rd, 1980, okay, Pete, this is what we need to do. I'm still running the show. I'm in self-reliance. I still know what I need to do. Probably have a different speaker here tonight. It was reduced to this, take me from this, I don't want to die. I wasn't thinking about where I was going to go. But I will tell you this, in that moment, I would have done anything, anything to stop the pain. Not the physical pain, I was used to that. Getting arrested, used to dat. But something gets all of our attention because I'm around long enough to hear the stories. It's the emotional thing that gets us in here. Whether it's Park Avenue or Park Bend, something in here hurts too much, where I reach out and say, please can you help me? There's no ego in that equation, that moment of desperation. And that was my first contact with this power, although it didn't feel godly, smell godly look godly. It was God because it was a gift of desperation, a G-O-D. And in that moment, I reached out to this power and begged for help with that kind of desperation one of a drowning man. Do I approach step three that way or am I doing it because it's fashionable, and it's popular. My sponsor does it. I want to get in good with them. I can have spiritual beliefs. I need to learn how to live them. I mean, even in my worst, I know right from wrong, but I don't have the power to live up to right. I only know wrong. It's interesting because I come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and again, I've heard enough stories. It is unbelievable how easily I will accept darkness stuff, negativity stuff and in my old life participate in it freely and give myself a strike for being a real man and I come into recovery and I'm still reluctant and suspicious and skeptical and doubtful about light oh come on it can't be that good I had it all backwards and I was placed in my seven treatment center and that's when I realized they told me hey you know was June 23rd. It's the first day of the rest of your life. Isn't this great? I'm thinking homicide and suicide at this point. It doesn't really feel that good, miss, but I had a good insurance so they're really glad to see me. I had no idea what I was about to embark on. I Had no idea what was waiting for me. Lots of pruning the tree, a lot of uncomfortability, a lot of challenging, a a lot painful, a A lot of loneliness, a lot of skepticism, a lot of doubt and a whole lot of freedom. Because all the former came from me bumping against my own ego and an AA member or AA members just ripping it down. And the thing I've learned about this once hit the bottom where the ego gets deflated for a moment, I don't have to hit any more bottoms. That's it. That's what's required when the ego gets grinded into dust for a moment when there's no ego even for a There's no more bottoms to hit, but as one author beautifully says, we fall up. But alcoholism is not done with me because I have alcoholism, not wasm. Because I finally get into my seven treatment center and about 10 days, I don't remember that clearly, 10 days whatever it was, 12 days, I'm getting thirsty and I'm thinking one more drink and I can ... I'm going through this detox. and they're just, I'll do detox better. I can go to group and really participate, just taking the edge off because it wasn't done. My alcoholism is not impressed because I begged God for help. It's not impressed now with the length of time I'm sober. It really isn't. So I have to stay in execution. That hinges on my relationship with God. our book says something like until a psychic entire psychic change has occurred there's little hope for my recovery it's a clear-cut warning get God or drink and die yeah so I'm in my seven treatment center they sent me out to Minnesota for more treatment I lived in Minnesota for about a year and I started to hear a message a message different than what I was as easy as we're hearing. Now, I'm sure the message was out there, but what I was so used to doing, and I can do that in recovery, I have done that in recovering, is listen with my mind or see with my mine or speak with my line or act through the mind. And that's what I was so use to doing. So I'm sure there were people coming, the HNI folks coming into treatment and some of those AA meetings that I showed up drunk. I'm sure many of them were speaking from this book about a methodology that can get me free. But as long as I'm hearing and seeing from the mind, it's always going to be wrong because my mind only lets in what it knows. That's all it's good, what it's comfortable with. And it's all as capable of doing is before and later on, before and late on, that's all its capable of doing. It doesn't get God. If it did, it doesn't want God. Doesn't want a spiritual message. It needs to cast it out because if it lets it in, it might die. But something happened when I was in Minnesota. I was taken to a meeting called the Three Legacies Meeting and it was a Friday night meeting a good 300 people people were dressed impeccable at this meeting and they talked about living in three sides of the triangle and they talk about operating out of this book which allowed us to operate out of the soul see once I'm operating out of my soul I'm traveling light because the soul knows where to go the soul know what to say the soul how to be it knows what to do it's perfect, it's divine, it' God and how to get out of this head which meant a crushing blow to me and my ego and the pride the seven deadly sins that had to go how to unhook from me I often laugh when folks say I need to find myself I need to discover myself no you don't because we need to be rid of self Barnes & Noble has a self-help section That's the last section I'm going into to give myself more ammunition to kill me. When it says, no help to self in this corner, I'm gone. And I came back to Brooklyn. And I found my first appointed teacher there. And how I found a sponsor was what I was told to do. Before I asked someone, show me a sponsor. No human power can relieve my alcoholism. I need to go to God. Everything goes through God. I must turn all things into the father of light. I wasn't even sure God was going to pay attention, but I remember praying, God, I need a teacher. I don't know who to ask. And I'm at a meeting one night at my first home group, the Free Spirit Group, and this guy got up there and sounded like the people in Minnesota, and the head didn't say, ask him, but something in the soul. It's interesting when a soul speaks to us. I mean, we hear it in language we can understand, but it isn't like the regular voice we're using to. It's almost a movement or a push or something that happens and says, call Joe, go to the back room, get that newcomer, ask that guy or that woman to be your sponsor. And I can't really define that. And as long as I can define something, it's probably God, I don't know. And we began this journey And I start to learn things about me and my alcoholism, which owned me, that I knew nothing about after seven treatment centers. For the longest time, I have alcoholism own me. I would say I'm having all these thoughts. Well, that was the biggest lie I was telling myself for a long time, and my mind loved that. See, if I'm having thoughts, it's like if I went out and bought a shirt. I went to the mall and I bought a skirt. It's my shirt. I paid for it. I have a shirt, I just bought it. I get it home and I don't like it. I can exchange it. I can give it away. I can throw it out. I can do anything I want because it's my skirt. Suddenly I find out I really can't do that with thoughts because I don' t have thoughts, they really have me. And they lock in and they take me for a ride. And my mind gives me one thought and it's a problem and the mind says I got a solution to that thought and he gave me the first one now I have two problems and down the rabbit hole I go and I come into meetings I'm all jammed up but not once did that very same mind say why don't you get on your knees and surrender it all to God you might get free it doesn't tell me that I need to run out of road in that gift of desperation that type of movement that happened to me on June 23rd 1988 although the fire is going to get off my back, the longer I'm sober, the need to find God must increase for me. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I remember, you know, we're in AA boot camp and sobriety is my number one priority. Sobriety's my number-one priority. And I would say that. I would mean it, but I knew it was the right thing to say because all the guys were saying that. Sobrietty's my no. 1 priority, but the truth is true until we discover a new truth, yeah? The truth is true until we discover a new truth. I must tell you this, that conscious contact with God is my number one priority because when I have conscious contact with God, not unconscious contact with God, I find myself sober another day and what's really great about this is the isms that accompany alcoholism seem to go quiet. I'm not perfect with it. I am alcoholic which means I am broken and flawed. I are subject to breakdown at any moment but the ism seem to get quiet and I get another day sober and not just dry sober but awaken sober. And where I've currently been for a number of years now my journey in here is to please God, seek God experience God rather than getting up here and pontificating on how well I know the mechanics. I know a lot of cats who know mechanics and you can't have lunch with them but what this book is supposed to do is bring me to a power that's keeping me sober all along and enjoy the freedom in that I also found this I was brought up with very, very, rigid sponsors really rigid sponsors and thank God because I needed to be disciplined to a spiritual life because I was so undisciplined and I thought about something And I would say my great-grandsponsor said to me one time, if I'm sitting home writing inventory after inventory after inventory, I'm still involved with me a little too much. All I am is thinking about me, and I'm writing about me constantly. Where's freedom from this book? Where's freeing from this God when I'm bogged down writing up pages and pages and pages of inventory to prove I'm a good AA member? Maybe I missed something. I'm still seeking information rather than experience a transformation. I've been programmed by a program rather than set free by a program. And I fell into the delusion that as long as I write this perfect, I'm going to get me another day sober as if I'm in charge of this. But who's keeping me sober while I'm writing? Who's keeping me sober while i'm sitting in a meeting? Who is keeping me sober when I have an argument with the spouse or I'm at the supermarket and it's going the lines too slow? Or just life? It's God. And that's what they're supposed to bring me to. So I get a sponsor, I begin a journey through this book. I remember getting to step three and taking a look at making the decision to turn my will in life for the care of God as I currently understand them. Whether it's a group of drunks or whatever God it is, the book, my AA is not really interested in your deity. It's unbelievable how prophetic he was to stay out of that game. We would have been broken up a long time ago. where AA is taken to me is the very same God I grew up with but a different set of conceptions and ideas about it it's not that punishing God anymore I'm the one who punishes me God doesn't need to do that and I got to this third step we heard the speaker say tonight you know, I need to be convinced into my innermost self not from the mind I've heard it's the first three steps and conclusions in mind that's not my experience. I mean, if it works for you, great, but it's not my experience, anything my mind comes up with has a drink attached to it, yeah? But deep down in here I got what step one was talking about, I understood that my step two was a pointer out of this insanity and I get to the step three, which means it can bring me great hope and great promise or could be a big nightmare if I don't. I'm looking at a fork in the road. If I do this and follow through with the rest of the instructions, I might be set free. And if I don't, I'm going to keep doing what I always did, which means I'm always going to get what I always got. Again, desperation will keep me walking. Now, I don'T know what's going to happen with this God. And sometimes it's frightening as heck. In fact, it's so frightening that I DON'T know where I'M going, so I hold on to what I'VE known. Sometimes I'Ve done that in relationships. Well, what'S going to HAPPEN if I do leave this person, that means I'm alone so I stay in a really toxic relationship. I know that. A maneuver around that. And I'm one of those guys who don't realize how much bondage I was in until I taste a little freedom. Then I look back and say, what was I thinking? That's the problem I was thinking a lot. You know, can I stand before my creator in the raw and say take me like the wretch and sinner that I am can I tell my God I will live for you and die for you and really mean it and when I pray do I get clear as to who I'm praying to or am I just blowing it out to get out of the way because I can look like I'm praying, I can sound like I're praying but when I get up I don't look very prayerful. I go from Moses to Rambo am I still angry am I discontented meanwhile I'm telling you how much I pray and how much i know about this book where's the transformation am I traveling light was everything an issue I need to prove myself to you that I'm worthy and what we do is I wrap myself up in money, property and prestige AA cred I'm a speaker I wrap my self up in all these things to prove to myself I actually exist and further you recognize me for something and when it's all said and done I realize I'm still empty and I still have nothing and none of that worked and over and over my loving God has shown to me the less of me the more of him I remember writing down what my conceptions of God were my old conceptions of God, what my current conception of God was. And if I had to look into the future, what would this God look like? And it kind of gave me some parameters. It made it more real. The other thing my sponsor, my first sponsor had me do, and Mark H., when he was my sponsor had me do the same thing. He says, write out the third step prayers that appears in the big book. God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me thou wilt. And wrote out the whole third step prayer. Then he says, Write out what you think that prayer a saying to you in your own language. So when I kneeled down with my spouse, both of us got on our knees and held hands and we did the third step prayer together. Although I'm reading out of the book and it's a beautiful prayer, the book says the wording was of course quite optional as long as I expressed it with some intent. What's my intent when I pray all the time? Do I really mean it? And so I wrote it out what it means to me so I'm sitting with my sponsor and it had some depth and weight. It was my third step prayer because I'm talking to my God, if you will. It wasn't just words on a page and I'm going through the motions because my experience has shown me God's not interested in the words but my intent. And no matter how hard I pray, I can't change God's mind. I can convince God that I'm right and maybe he should look at things differently. You know, I've been in prayer so many times, seeking control in prayer. The most sacred moment of my day, I'm still seeking control about the outcome. And if I get the outcome I want, God really loves me and he does exist. But I'm going into prayer to be changed by this power, to position myself to be changing. And for me, what the words are in a prayer nowadays is just a centering. Even my sacred Lord's Prayer is beautiful, that prayer is. it's a centering as to who I'm talking to and what I'm supposed to be doing and it gets me right sized to get up off bended knees and go out there and I never do this perfect but at least chop wood and carry water for his glory and no one else's I need to be popular in AA God doesn't see popularity God just sees kids that's my walk and so I did the third step prayer at my sponsor and again AA boot camp how do you do a third step follow four through nine well that's true our book says that it can have a permanent effect it won't have a permanent affect unless once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in me that are blocking me from God that's one part of it what else am I doing am I willing to play by someone else's rules this fly must be a Red Sox fan because it's not leaving me alone. Am I willing to... I wouldn't say Phillies fan because I'm in your town. I don't want to get beat up. Am I willing to play by rules other than my own? Am I in a place, because it says we thought well before taking this decision, making this decision. Am I really at a gut level saying my life was none of my business? Now my ego is going to jump all over that. That the outcome's none of my business. I want it to be my business, I want to peek around the corner and see what's happening and I do this third step and follow with four through nine and somewhere in there my book promises me I will have an immersion, an integration a oneness with God not a two-ness or a separateness does not God end, it's just God and I'm in that because the center is everywhere and there's no circumference I get to experience again I want to really emphasize I do none of this perfect and that's really cool with God, it is okay it is just a need for God and more God and experience more of that and then pass it on and experience the freedom our book is talking about my ego wants to be in a results business I'll share a quick story with you. I heard from my priest about being in the results business. I heard the third step to this whole thing. My life is none of my business. I surrender everything. My thinking and my actions belong to God because if I look at my track record of me running this show, it's never worked out well and I can come into Alcoholics Anonymous and I want to do the big book because it's fashionable so I hang out with those folks but there's no real surrender in it Or I could hang out with knuckleheads who go to casinos and brothels because that's cool and I want to do that. Fourteen guys says, what's wrong with that? Anyway. And so I just, I'm still looking to pick and choose what I think is okay for me. So I hang out what I feel like is okay. What I think the majority is. Then I got to take a look at who's this majority I'm hanging out with. And aren't I still picking and choosing what I thing I need? And as frightening as it is, what step three says to me is it's none of your business where I'm going. Because somewhere in this work, I've learned that this is personal experience. I'm no longer ill at ease with my origin, what I was. And I'm not ill at peace with my destination. Where am I going? You know where I am going? Right here. She talked about it tonight. Where are you going? Right here? Because I have no guarantee I'm supposed to fly home Sunday morning and God willing, I will get back home and enjoy a beautiful Sunday afternoon with my wife. But there's no guarantees that's gonna happen. Or what's gonna be gonna happen an hour from now. But I just take it for granted. There's a big thing about planning and then just assuming. And the story is there was this man who was just laying on his couch day in and day out, day after day after today after day. His life was going nowhere. He was rudderless. And one day he woke up and the Lord was standing in front of him and the law says, what are you doing? My God's from Brooklyn. What are you going? And the guy drops to his knees and the lord says to me, he says, I need to help you. He's tomorrow morning. I'm going to put a big boulder in front of your doorway and I want you to wake up bright and early and push the rock, push the boulder. And sure as anything, next morning guy wakes up and he remembers, opens up the door and there it is. He laces up and goes out and there's this huge boulder In front of his door. He starts pushing, follows what God told him, pushing and pushing and pushing and sent up to sundown. Does this every single day for like 90 days. And on the 91st day, Satan shows up and says, what are you doing? He's, well, the Lord told me to push this rock. He said, you're going to listen to the Lord? What's wrong with you? God's a cruel jokester. Go back on the couch. You're better off. He says, you know what? You're right. And the next day, the law shows up. He goes, what is it? I'm not going to do anything. What are you saying? He says Lord, not for anything. You told me to push this boulder. I've been pushing it for 90 days and it hasn't gone one inch. It hasn't moved an inch after 90 days. It hasn'T moved an inch. And the Lord replies to him, he says, I told you to push the boulder. I didn't tell you to move the boulders. That's my job. And that's how it is with my life. I want to push it and move in the direction I want. I want To push my life this way and get the results I want. It just doesn't work that way. God's not allowing it that way and what God told us, man, was for the last 90 days you have purpose and direction. You're up early. You're sleeping better. You're even in shape and you're talking to me all day long. You came home without even knowing it. I need to let go of the results, but the mind wants to control. If I'm not willing to surrender everything, willingness to surrender, it doesn't mean I'm going to become a monk because I did a third-step prayer, but a willingness to turn everything to this God and back off of my life because I've destroyed it and I infect people when I do that too, drunk and sober. Am I willing to do that? Am I showing up to the Lord and a sponsor? I'm willing to let go. I don't even know what this God is, but I'm willingly to believe in a group of drunks for good early direction. It isn't what I'm believing in, but it's the willingness to believe in something other than me or whiskey. That's the victory. I get a new guy sitting in front of me. I'm having a problem with God. Why do you come to AA? Because they keep me sober. That's your higher power. Are you willing to turn everything over to AA?" Yes, we're on our way. it's the mustard seed of willingness that creates great change what a mustard seed of belief tell the mountain to move the mountain will move but the mind says oh come on let's get real like my reality is reality and God isn't I remember reading something how do you know God kept you sober the guy says the only one I asked was God I seem to be sober how does third step meet me now I like to go to the steps every year I've been doing that forever I always take a look at bedevilments I always like to see where I'm at gauge where I am at with bedevils I do all this stuff before prayer I mean after prayer about I want to say June-ish I was about to move to Tampa for business I don't want to go to Tampa but I need to earn a living trying to save my company there's a lot of moving parts and I got an offer to go to Tampa which just kind of got chiseled down to the end it wasn't so what they promised to be and I had some money where I live in South Florida wanting me to stay there And my wife and I, and I'm not exaggerating, from hour to hour we're going to Tampa. No, we're not going to Tampa. We're staying at home. We're going – no, we are not. And okay, I think I'm sure we're go to Tampa, we start looking for a proper place to live. I remember calling Jimmy, Jim, I'm moving to Tampa and okay, and then Jimmy, I am not going toTampa and this is what we were doing and we went up to Tampa twice and we are looking at places to live and we're trying to look at the bright side of stuff and we were going back and forth and back and fourth. I want the results. I want to look six months into this new contract, where I'm going to be living, how it's going to feel, what it's gonna, all of it. And God wouldn't allow that. What God wanted was a surrender. And one day I got up off my knees after meditation and prayer. And about 10 minutes, I'm up really early in the morning. I like it that way. sometimes i'm up at 4 a.m and i pray and meditate and there's someone i think his name is roomie says the morning breeze has secrets to tell you god likes to talk to us in our quiet time no distractions and i finish prayer meditation i'm just going about doing some chores in the house for marion before she awakens and you know when god shows up god shows up he doesn't speak to this it's just something in here and was going back and forth and it just was crystal clear when there's no distractions when the third step prayer says relieve me of the bonds itself relieve me on my distractions i nudged mary and i woke up i said something just came to me because we share our prayers and meditations do nothing do nothing god will bring it to us. I left no room for God. Going, not going, going, not going. I'll figure this out in the audience. Write more inventory. I'm using a paper and I'm still stuck. Beautiful fourth columns and gorgeous third columns and I am going nowhere with this. Do nothing. Just let it come to us and you know what happened? I started to hear a little bit different what I was being told by some folks. I was starting to see some different actions. And I start to hear what was being given to me right in good old Boca Raton. And the answer was there. In fact, they went way beyond what I was even negotiating with because that's what God does. Always goes beyond. I want to go this far. No, I'm going to give you all of it. But just come home to me. I did nothing. I just gave up. I'm done. It will just come to us and left a whole lot of room for God. What does step three look like? You know, as we're going through our day currently, we can talk about mechanics and they're important, they're vital, but what does it look like going live? How does step 3 meet me with 5 or 10 or 15 years sober? How does steps 3 meet when I'm on my knees praying and meditating? Or maybe I'm at work or I don't get along with a co-worker. I'm having marital problems. I haven't worked financial problems. What does that really look like? Do I speak God, but I live as if there's no God? Again, I would love to report to you I do all this perfect, but I don't. But I'm broken and flawed as God made it. There was a time where I thought as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can't be broken and flawless. I'm in AA. I have to be smooth and glossy all the time. What tremendous freedom, what great liberation in coming to terms at a gut level that I'm broken and flawed. Isn't that fabulous? I don't need to be perfect. I belong to AA, that should be a hint, I'm not perfect. But what tremendous freedom because what we get to do, what I get to do is share my brokenness with another drunk and you say yeah me too. We get a solution in here how to fix stuff and how to get free and how experience God and truly turn our will and life over to care of God. How to do a meditation, how to work prayer, how to navigate through life the other 23 hours when I'm not in here for the hour. So I get to do that once I get up off my knees and go out there to have have healthy relationships and get rid of toxic ones and be okay with that. My time doesn't belong to me, is another thing you know I'm getting I feel like I'm getting old sometimes this thing that gets me there's a lot more road behind me than in front of me I hate to admit it but it's just true and sometimes you know what I'm bogged down with a bunch of sponsees calling and I got to finish that and then get ready because a meeting to get to, a home group to get to. And the head says well what are we going to get time? And Marion's on the phone with her sponsor we're going to a group, to a home group. What are we going to get time. This is what I'm supposed to be doing because it's unbelievable when I do that I can go to the worst diner with the worst cup of coffee and the worst food and the worse service and a place that's outdated and when it's all done on the right home what a great night let's do it again. rather than complaining because my destination is here and now. So I turned my will in life by doing this third step, yeah? And I've done them with my sponsors. We held hands. I remember the first time I did a third step was in my sponsor, Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, where the only requirement for members there is pinky ring sunglasses and gold jewelry. And I went to his house, and he was a rough character. and I don't know a third step. I never did a third step before, you know. And I'm green. I'm new. And I came with my assignment on, you now, writing the third step prayer out word for word and my interpretation of it and I'm about to do this third step and, you kno, I had AA say, no, do a fourth step. It's not good. Other people saying get into the fourth step sooner than later. I don' t know. I have no clue. And I get to Tony's house and I ring the bell. He invites me up. He's on the second floor And I walk in, and the lights are dimly lit. There's a lot of candles going on. I said, okay, what am I getting into? And we get into this little room, and he says, let's get on our knees and hold hands. And I'm like, okay. Oh, time out. Where's this going? And of course, I'm exaggerating. And we got on our knee. We got on knees and held hands. I'm petrified. He knew that there was that prayer. And you know when you're new and your sponsor says, God I offer myself and you're kind of stumbling along you're screwing up the words and I think he's going to throw me out of my bed and he just guided me through and I did it with a third step prayer and we got up off our knees and he sat me down at his table open up the book to where it says next which is the next talk just a couple of things I want to read and I got to get out of here because I don't want to go over in our third step actually before the prayer it says this this is the how and why but first I had to quit playing God what areas of my life am I currently playing God the ego loves it how can I move forward if I don't want to quit playing God little things like I wake up in the morning I know what today's going to look like they're going to do this and I'm going to do that I went to a first step meeting the speaker didn't even cover step one oh my god they can't come back here anymore and I critique everybody in the room and that kind of stuff. I'm playing God. What do I know? You ever notice you sit in a meeting, they speak, you say they're not that good, and a newcomer goes up and go, oh my God, thank you for that talk tonight. It wasn't your night. It was for the newcomer. I had to quit playing God." It didn't work. Next, I decided hereafter in this drama of life, God's going to be my director. He's the boss. He is the principal. I am his agent. I work for God because that's what an agent does. He works for the principal Also, I am about to represent God. What an order. That's what my book is telling me. I'm not saying that, that at some point I'm going to go out representing God. I'm marketing for God. How am I doing? Most good ideas are simple and this concept or idea was the keystone of the new and triumphant arts to which I pass the freedom. When I take this position, remarkable things follow to have a new boss. He's going to provide me with what I need if I keep close and performers work well. A couple of things there. How do I perform God's work well when I'm just new and doing a third step? How do i perform God work right now be of service? Not only in alcoholics anonymous make coffee set up take a service commitment But out there because those are God's kids too like feeding and homeless person when I got a pocket full of money A five dollar bill is not going to break my back or going to the diner and seeing some very old person nursing a cup of coffee. I go to a meeting called the 12-step house and there's this diner we go to afterwards and there is this really, really old broken down couple and they're both having a cup of coffee and it kills me when I see this because it could be me and their clothes are tattered and bless the restaurant they don't throw them out And I only say this to brag about God. Three times I went to the waitress and quietly says, bring them a couple of burgers, bring them some food. And I gave her my credit card. Just don't tell them what it is. Because God's going to provide for me as well. Am I representing God in AA but not out there? For me, I must call myself a hypocrite then. i don't need to get close to keep close to god i hear this a lot you got to get close to get to be close there's no proximity with us with god what i woke up to was had the nearness of my creator my own big book tells me that the neerness of my Creator there's not distance it feels like there's separation from God and then I wake up and go oh my god he's been with me all the time God loved me just as much as he does now when I was in an abandoned building I don't have to perform good deeds to experience God's love. I don' t need to do good things to get God's love. God loves me just the way I am in my brokenness. I don''t need to get close, do some work so I can get close to God. The work allows me to wake up to oh my God it's God all the time. I become less and less interested in my little plans and designs. You know before I do this work everything that came up was paramount. These are big plans I got. And the book's, you know, they're very little plans. You're not that important. If you don't show up at home group, it'll be fine. There's a few people there I wish I wouldn't show up. More and more became interesting when I can contribute to life as I felt new power flow in. Thank you, God, because our book told us in a previous chapter I'm out of power. So once I'm not in power, I'm in power. Once I'm at a power, I start to experience this other power called God. It starts to flow in, and the cool thing is into me and then out to you and it's just a flowing and I don't have to do much about this it's a surrender it's an end I could face life successfully I become conscious I'm awake to God's presence and I lose my fear today, tomorrow, hereafter I'm reborn in spirit something says unless a man be born again he can't enter the kingdom of heaven born in spirit I'm not afraid of yesterday I said that earlier. I'm not afraid of tomorrow. I'm right here. Peace of mind is not because I have positive affirmations and right thinking, but what the book is promising me is I'm going to begin to operate out of the soul, which is still an okay, and that starts to work itself up to here. And although it feels like I'm thinking it's coming from God, it's come from the soul. So everything's okay. When I try to get my hands on my life again, which we'll talk about tomorrow, when I start to think about the outcome and I get nervous, here comes struggle, here comes this season, discomfort, here comes fear. I'm not, I don't have peace of mind again because my mind's running the show again. As long as I'm out of my mind, I'm doing great. When I'm in my mind I struggle and I don' t do so good. I' m over time. That' s all I got. Thanks. Thank you.