Stepping Stones Workshop – Part 1 of 14 – 2010 – Scott S.

Maybe I shouldn't do that. I kind of talk loud. I'll be screaming at you. My name's Scott, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm grateful to be alive and sober, and I really want to thank the committee, whoever was involved, for the kind invitation to be here this weekend. I get to see some of my friends and share a little bit about my life in this process with you. One thing that I've learned is that a black belt in process does not remove everyday alcoholism from me. I can write inventory all day. I can do my print. I can pray and meditation like an athlete. But when it comes down to these character defects, as our book puts it, or these shortcomings, it's my everyday life experience continuing to respond to them. But first, continuing to experience them. It's like, okay, if I want to be more loving, well, then I'm going to be placed in a position to where I need to apply love, the action of love. If I want to have integrity in my life, I'm going to be set. I'm going to be set into a position or a situation where I need to practice integrity, regardless of whether I'm getting what I want from that situation. If I need to practice tolerance in my life, I'm going to be set into an experience where I'm surrounded by people that I am typically intolerant of. That seems to be the way it's worked for me. Like, there's not a whole lot written as far as words. I love words in the book. And in practice, I'm getting locked into the process, and we can take the words, and we break them down, and get into all that stuff. And then step six and seven doesn't offer us a lot of real material in this book in regards to the words referring to it. But does that mean it doesn't mean anything? It's not as important. Just a couple of paragraphs, which I'm going to read, and then get into really the opportunity to share my experience with you, because that's what it's all about. I believe everything that we do in alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous is to get us to six and seven. I believe all roads in Alcoholics Anonymous, whether it's through inventory, discussing it, prayer, meditation, it's all to get me to put my life on the altar, to be set before God, to experience union with God. And if I'm looking to have union with God, I need to be dedicated to the truth. So I have to start taking a look at the truth. Nicoletta talked about the truth. I talked about the truth as far as if I'm having a struggle with God, well, let's take a look at the truth. And God is truth. My wife and I have on our wall, kind of like these little slogans, but when I wake up in the morning, I do my prayer, I do my meditation, and I do something called contemplative prayer, where I just sit still, and it's a form of prayer and meditation kind of combined. That's my explanation of it. And these signs, they say, God is love, God is truth, God is faith, God is peace. And I repeat that stuff. And I do that for however long I do it. I used to be real attached to how long I did things, because I would approach prayer and meditation like an athlete. You know? And I had the candles, and I had this stuff, and I had all that, and I would get attached to that. So maybe I'll talk about some spiritual pride in six and seven, because it's not something that I can afford. I don't have candles. I don't have... Transformation is not a casual experience. I don't have a casual illness. My illness does not reach out and touch me in a casual way. It is through every fiber of my being, and by the time I showed up to Alcoholics Anonymous, character defect is how I do business. And now what you're asking me to do is set everything aside, everything that I am, everything that I show up in my work relationships, my love relationships, maybe here on Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm going to put all that aside, and live for God's reasons, and experience transformation in His ways. And it's like, are you kidding me? I can't do it. Not all at once I can't. My character defects are something that I may contend with in certain regards for the rest of my life, until I cross the river. But when I do cross the river, I want to be clean. I'm not saying I'll be spick and span, but God is very kind and very forgiving. Am I able to forgive? If I need to be forgiving, perhaps some things are going to come to light, which has happened to me, and maybe I'll get to that. Sometimes I get down a bunny trail, and I don't know where it's going. Hopefully I circle back around. But how much transformation am I looking to experience here in Alcoholics Anonymous, or I just want to keep you off my back, or find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, or whatever you think. I don't care what your thing is. Am I just looking for some companionship? People talk, Peter talked about, you know, being popular. You know? It's trendy to be into the big book. I want to be able to sound good and look good. And I can't cross the river wearing my ego. I can't do it. So if I'm trying to build up on that in here, so that you think I know what I'm talking about, I'm in for a longer and harder road than necessary, perhaps. And I'm not, I'm a liar. So I'm going to talk about the truth with my contending with these character defects or manifestations of self-love. They have poisons of self. Earlier on, in how it works, it says we suffer from a thousand, or no, 100 forms of fear, self-delusion, self-pity. There's 300 forms of self right there. So if I'm looking for a list of things to tackle, it's like, great, let's get started. Can I name 10 forms of fear? I could delude myself at any moment. Nicoletta said, thoroughly capable we are of deceiving ourselves. Thomas Merton writes about that, and I talked about that a little bit last night. I thought entering the world of the spirit, the thoughts that things like that provoke, and living in the sunlight of the spirit, think about what that provokes inside you. That fast, where I show up to God with all these expectations, I don't even realize it's happening until I start to get confronted with the disappointment of what the spiritual life actually is. What's transformation actually feel like when there's something I've been walking with, and holding on to, and I've built a life on this stuff, and all of a sudden it's getting ripped out from under me, right in the middle of my life. The arena for change is my everyday life. That's where this stuff crops up. That's where this stuff meets me. And if I reach to God, God meets me right there, and as a healer, as a parent, you're going to see that. You're going to see that. You're going to see that. You're going to see that. Part of my third step decision is I'm going to look at God as my father. I am his child. And any one of us that has children knows we wouldn't feed our child a stone if our child was hungry. We give our children nutritious food, right? And it doesn't always taste good. I hated Brussels sprouts when I was growing up. I wouldn't eat them. I would convince my parents to go read the newspaper, and I would take those Brussels sprouts and throw them behind the refrigerator, because I'll do whatever I need to do now for the relief I want, and I'll pay the cost. I'll pay the cost. I'll pay the cost. I'll pay the cost. I'll pay the cost. I'll pay the cost. And I'll pay the consequences later. Peter talked about it last night. Do anything for the price of a drink. Well, I do anything for the relief in a relationship. Am I able to bring love to that? And I'll talk about that, how love has saved me. It transformed me. And not kicking back on the counts, waiting for somebody to dump a bucket of love on me, although it was a struggle for me to accept love all my life. And I'll get to that too. talk about potent prayers I could say a potent prayer and not realize how potent and how strong that prayer is and the next thing my life is turned upside down and I'm the AA guy and I'm 10, 12, 15, 20 years sober and the wheels come off I ask God for transformation and bang here it is but I want to save face like I said I can't cross the river wearing my ego so am I suffering from spiritual pride in here where I want to sit and confer with my fellow wizards and look good and sound good and all that stuff you can kiss the ring but again like Peter said you might not want to have a cup of coffee with me or lunch and I've had that experience out somewhere the next morning after speaking the next morning in the hospitality room that guy that gave that wonderful talk on Saturday Saturday night man you wouldn't even want to share a bagel with him and it's like what happened to that guy that was giving that great talk last night I want to be everything that I'm looking to be through transformation in my everyday life if you want to know how I live don't ask me don't listen to me here as a gauge to how I really live you talk to my wife you talk to my friends you talk to my son talk to my clients ask them if I have integrity I ask God for transformation I ask God for transformation I ask God to show me how to have integrity and what he did is he put me into a situation where I had to have integrity at my own demise business speaking I remember with Jimmy and Peter's sponsor at a conference down in Florida and I'm talking about this situation because it was very current at the time and I know this man he shared about how embarrassing how embarrassed he was to like have made and lost fortunes and I remember him saying and I just love the way he put it he says I felt so stupid I felt so stupid I felt so stupid I felt so stupid incredibly stupid he's not a stupid man and here I was walking out of a situation where I had toiled on this project for like a year it was a 10 week job 12 week stops and because every single thing could have gone wrong did go wrong of no fault of my own other than showing up to these elderly people they were burned out of their house I'm a plastering contractor I do restoration work and I go to the store tell them no no no and this coming morning we're like him I go and call a couple times and the first thing I remember that he's looking at you I'm struggling he's saying send me someone now what makes you lucky that day is that you have to toujours ask that question and he was asking me what do you think what you think if he was behind me what you would've said if you were all the time I really you think he's talking that line a lot too double what's a real talk and in the end he basically statements but where is the choice is the choice for me at that point that you both just in doing so because that's what the contract said. And I had a conference call with the adjuster and the owners, and they were in their 80s, and they'd just been burned out of a house they lived in their whole lives. And I remember asking, because I had had a situation where I had a, I'll get to that later, but I had had some healing in this regard in a roundabout way. Already, as a direct result of running into self and then getting tired of it, I remember Ralph W. saying, nothing will get me ready to let go of things like a thoroughly whooped ass. Right? So my ass has been thoroughly whooped by these things, and I'm to the point where I need help. I want help, and I need to let go. And I had received some help from God, right? Because where else am I going to go? I can't do anything. I got no leverage on this stuff. So I'm in this conference call with the owner, and the adjuster. And it was time for me to make the decision to say, listen, there's just too much, there's just too many hurdles to overcome. And they were all decisions that they had made that set up a chain reaction of impossible situations. And instead of saying, listen, I'm sorry, but I can't honor the contract, and I'm under no legal obligation to do so, the words that came out of my mouth were, don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. And I'm like, man, what did I do? I just do. I agreed to have integrity, and I knew it was going to cost me. I didn't know how much it was going to cost me, but I'll tell you what, it cost me almost everything. And business-wise, I suffered depression. I was angry. I went back and forth between resentment against them, resentment against my decision. But what happened at the end of that job is they got their house back, and I got to walk away knowing what real integrity was. All the guys that worked for me got paid. I paid myself. $300 a week for about 11 months. And I had guys in hotels, and they're getting paid, and everything's getting paid, and they're getting... And I'm like, what about me? What about me? I didn't see it, like, though I usually don't think so, is something I come up against often. But what happens is Alcoholics Anonymous gives me a response to that, and I get to arrest it. Give it over to God. I show up to the altar, and God heals me. I remember hearing Peter years ago talk about the farmer, and God does the growing. The doctor operates, and God does the healing. I have a story about that. Maybe I'll get into that. I don't know. We'll see what the time frame goes with. But I have no shortages of actual life experience, stories, if you will, about how God has changed me, how I've been transformed in God in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I show up to this work with anything less than that in mind, it's going to be obvious. It's going to be obvious to me, even though I usually don't think so. It's going to be obvious to everybody that's close to me. And it might be very obvious to you when one day I'm just not here anymore. I've sponsored men that could talk a good game, and they did, boy. And they were out there with the start in the meeting here, and we're going to have the best meeting in the neighborhood. And before you know it, they're not really talking about much. And I have appointments with sponsees, you know, between 4.30 and 7.30, Monday through Friday. I've blocked off time to meet with people the way my sponsor did for me. My phone calls. My phone calls. My phone calls. It's Friday night at 6.15. Who wants to give up their Friday night to talk to somebody about how poor my thinking was this week? Or maybe some actions that I took. But that's what I do, because I want to stay in the deep end of the pool. Now, we're all, and my friend Peter pointed this out to me years ago, is that we're all in the same water, but we're in different sections of the pool, some of us. And I encourage anybody to get into the deep end of the pool. And every once in a while, I've got to dunk my head. And I don't think I can breathe. But here I am. And I've had a lot of jam on my face. And I'm not afraid to say it. I'm not. It's been hard. Waking up spiritually and experiencing transformation in my life to the very core of my being, and just peeling back, you know, the layers of the onion. It sounds so cliche, but the layers have layers, have layers, have layers. Just like the bottoms have trap doors. I just think I can't get any worse than this. Really? Don't say that. And if I'm going to say a prayer, a very potent prayer that I said, I remember right after I went through the work for the very first time with my sponsor, character defect was still all over me. I thought I was Moses. And I go around to my local AA meetings down in Rittenhouse Square. I would go to 19th and Walnut. And I would go to living sober meetings. And I'm swinging my big book around. And I'm cracking people in the head with it at a living sober meeting. They don't want to talk about it. God bless them. They don't want to talk about it. They don't want to talk about the book, the big book. They're in the living sober book. And that's their right. And here I come. Big book Scott just went through the steps. Right? I've been running rampant throughout the city for 20-some years. I just went through the steps. Now I'm going to go back into AA. And I'm going to straighten all these so-called middle-of-the-road people out there. And I'm swinging my book around, smashing them in the head with it. And I'm abusing people, shooting the wounded. And I show up to my sponsor with my call. And I say, man, this and that. And he tolerated it and led me back to the truth. And then the second week, I show up with the same stuff. I'm writing inventory on AA. That was the birth of spiritual pride. Right? Where I know what's best for you. I'm not showing up to AA to serve. I'm showing up to be fed. And if you don't feed me, I'm resentful. And he stops me. And he says, Scott, so you're a spiritual thug now. Is that it? I'm like, whoa, man, just the spiritual thug. That didn't sit right with me. So I had something to look at there. And I had a change. I had a real shift and transformation in that regard. And it's been permanent thus far. He says, why don't you go to AA to serve and not be fed? You'll never go hungry again. I go to my book. I go to my God to be fed. I do what it says. And I do what it says. I present it to my God. And God heals me. That's just my experience. It's funny. I got this story about a tomato plant. My wife and I have a Charlie Brown. You ever see Charlie Brown Christmas? I have a Charlie Brown tomato plant. And here's... I know how to take care of a tomato plant. I pride it myself on growing heirloom tomatoes. I had a spot at like Ridge Avenue and Mount Vernon Street, just north of Spring Garden. That was my last garden I had. And I lived on my boat. And I had the tomato garden over there. And I would grow tomatoes and peppers, the most beautiful tomatoes you've ever seen. And at the end of the year, I would blanch them all. And I'd make a big pot of sausage and gravy out of these tomatoes. Man, it was great. So I know what I'm doing when it comes to tomatoes. So I need to be dedicated to the truth, which means honest ingredients. I put honest ingredients into any situation in my life, and I leave the results up to God. Well, I planted the tomatoes. I got great seeds. But then I set the pot. These tomatoes are designed for a pot. I set the pot out on our balcony, because we live in an apartment now. I don't have a garden. And the balcony doesn't get much sunlight. And I planted them out there anyway. Right? I didn't put the plant into the sunlight of the spirit to get fed. To get fed by the Creator. Well, what happens? I end up with a Charlie Brown tomato plant. I think we got five tomatoes about the size of a quarter out of this plant. And we're lucky to get that. So what am I putting into my spiritual life? Am I going to be stuck in the process? I did the process of planting the seeds and growing the tomatoes, all the stuff, except for the end of it, except for the energy it needs. I did everything that I've always done, but I didn't give it the energy. I didn't give it the God. I didn't give it the propulsion, the healing power, the growing power. I didn't give it that. And I did it knowingly. I knew that this plant wasn't going to get, but I planted it anyway. And then watched it suffer. Right? Am I doing that with my program? Am I so stuck in the process? Am I so stuck in this process that I miss God? Perhaps. Only we can answer that question. I don't know. Now, I could judge you by what I see, what you present. That's easy. Anybody says I don't judge, that's a lie. That's a lie. I mean, to be honest, the quality of our lives depends upon the quality of our judgments. Unless I'm a rock, I judge. Hypervigilance was something I suffered from when I walked in these rooms. Like, I said it last night. I sought power long before I ever picked up a drink. I sought power out there, and I found it. And it wasn't the type of power that I seek today or need today. Although, that type of thinking will creep back in my life. Like, I was around serious guys. I was around serious guys that if you screwed up, it was this. And that was that. And I'm thinking, that stuff's way behind me now. And I was down in Florida, and I had Peter picked me up to go speak at a meeting in Fort Lauderdale. I actually had that shirt on that I had on last night. And when I got in, I remember, I just bought the shirt. And I got in the car, and he didn't say nice shirt. And I'm thinking, I said, Pete, what? You didn't say nothing about the shirt? Anyway, we go to the meeting. And I'm sitting. I'm waiting for it to open. And there's a guy that I knew from childhood, because I moved around a lot. And in this particular neighborhood, I met him. And I knew him. I knew his brother, who's not with us anymore. And he was a tough guy. So that's where tough guys get, in the ground or back in the bar. And it comes down to it, I'll tell you what, none of us are tough enough. We can go out in the street and mix it up and do all that stuff. So what? Tough guys get to be tough. And when it comes to alcoholism, we're not tough enough. So what are we doing? I meet, I see this guy, Andrew. And man, we realized he didn't recognize me, because I'm not the same guy. And I didn't recognize him, because this illness has been beating the living daylights out of him nonstop, since I'd last seen him back in the 80s, maybe 1990 or something. And that quick, I'm shucking and jiving. That's my point. I walked away from the streets. I walked away from the streets 19 years ago. You know, I went from being, I was a fugitive of justice when the marshals came for me. And I walked, I got placed back. I got separated from my way of life. I didn't quit. I'm not a quitter. I go until the wheels fall off. If I learned easy, I wouldn't have to learn hard. Trust me. And here I am. I'm living a spiritual life. And I'll tell you what, it's been pretty good. It's been very transformative. But Peter called me a week after that night. I went there, gave a talk. And oh, everybody's, you know, the cha-cha line, and throw you a parade, and all that stuff that we think really means something. And listen, if we're able to get up here and tell the truth, that means something. Because somebody out there is going to say, man, I need to do something. Or hey, I can relate to that. Or hey, I've experienced that. You've just validated my suffering, which is a requirement of transformation. We think spiritual life is going to be skipping down the beach with the sand and the palm trees and eating grapes or being fed them better. My wife will feed me grapes and whatever, man. Like all the pleasures. Like it's going to be a euphoric experience. And as Thomas Merton writes, we end up in a desert, a dry desert of bones and sharp rocks. And we say. What's this? This is where transformation happens. Now I'm not saying we've got to be some martyr. Jimmy was teasing me last time I spoke on 6 and 7. He's like, oh, I'm so broken. And you know. But I was resentful when he said it. But you know, it's like he's just busting my chops. But I'll tell you what, I did have to go where I was broken. I did have to go where I was broken, or I don't get to meet you healed. I have to go into the dark. I have to go into the light. I have to go into the dark in order to live in the light. Everything our book asks us to do, it doesn't say, look for your assets. It says, look for all these liabilities in your life. Your fears, resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, all these things, all these manifestations of self that are going to continue to crop up. Peter's going to talk about that stuff. It sends me back to God. I get cornered in step one. Where does it tell me to go? Because this is the very weak relationship where you couple to think yourself up a bit more. And so it sends me back, and I knot back to this person about himself, yourray, and all of the good things that you could possibly prevent from your life. was completely unmanageable. I was so unhappy. I had zero joy in my life. I could experience pleasure, and most of the time, that pleasure robbed me of joy. So a wise man or woman, I said it last night, and I'll say it again, is suspicious of pleasure. And here I am, back in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I want to put my brains on the wall. I forgot where I was going with that. Anyway, let's see what the book has to say. If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. So by this time, I've been presented with the problem, which is me. I extend that invitation to alcohol. It doesn't leap off the shelf. It's not people, places, and things that get me drunk. It's my mind, me. I extend the invitation, and I end up drinking again after promising, taking the solemn oath, everything's on the line, I end up drinking. I'm drinking again anyway. And now that I'm sober, I'm unable to manage my own life. All right, I'm going to go with this God thing because I got nowhere else to go. It's the only thing the program offers me is this God. And I believe that he's had an experience, and I believe he's had an experience. I'm going to see what kind of an experience I have, even though my mind is already creating a God and an experience that I'm looking for, and I don't even really realize it until it doesn't start to pan out that way down the pike. And I have this disappointment with the spiritual, with the afterlife. That's when rubber meets the road. That's what separates the women from the girls and the men from the boys. That's when I find out if I really live by faith, where I can't see any evidence for goodness, but I'm going to trust God. I turn my life over to this power that I really can't understand. And when Peter says things like, what it really, what the essence of step three means is that my life is no longer any of my business. That is as true as the day is long. But what I continually find out in my inventory and everything I lay down on the altar to be given to God, which is everything in my life or else, I continually find out that my life is way often too much of my own business. And that's why I'm here. My troubles are of my own making because though I usually don't think so, my life is still too much of my own business. So being convinced of all these things, I turn my will and my life over to this power, to the greatest, to the most of my own ability. And I write my inventory. I share it with someone, which is ridiculous. You don't share nothing with anybody where I came from. We did lots of things together. I had a lot of co-conspirators and what would have been co-defendants and such. They were my friends. And once you did something, you could never talk about it again. You weren't allowed to talk about it again. So for me to come into AA and share everything with somebody was pretty rare. But I had been beaten into submission and a sense of reasonableness. And now I take all this stuff and where do I go with it? The same place that step one took me was to God. The same place that inventory takes me is to God, my first inventory. The same place that steps 10 and 11 take me is to God. Steps eight and nine require prayer and consideration. Every single thing we do in AA takes us to six and seven. All roads lead to step six and seven. And until I've realized that, I mean right down to the core of my being, I was just trying as hard as I could to be a good man still and didn't realize it. And it's like, man, I need to let go of things on a level that's deeper than I'm capable of consciously with my mind. It's not an intellectual experience. I can understand everything this book says. I can break it down. I can do this. I can get attached to the mechanics. But what I'll end up is that Charlie Brown tomato plant. All the mechanics were right, but it didn't have the sunlight or the spirit that it needed in order to be a real tomato plant. I want to be a real tomato plant. You know what I'm saying? So if we can answer to our own satisfaction, ask yourself that. I was told to take an hour, take my book down, read the first five proposals. Was I really ready to become willing to be transformed? And I said yes. I remember when I, when I first met that guy in Staten Island, I said I'm willing to go to any lengths to win high victory over alcoholism. And that's what he asked me. And then any links start showing up and I'm trying my way because my way of thinking is right and just, I know how my wife is supposed to be acting. I know what Peter was supposed to share and their Tommy said, and I know how Jimmy's supposed to act and Craig, I know how you're supposed to be. Sure I do. So we look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being willing to be transformed. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to have, to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? There's a lot of stuff I didn't believe to be objectionable. I thought it was right and just. Stack a little bit of spiritual pride on top of that and I can be a whole lot of, in a whole lot of trouble right here in Alcoholics Anonymous and I won't even know it. I won't even know it. Because I've created a life out of certain things. I still think I see some usefulness in it. I still think I see some usefulness in it. I still think I see some usefulness in it. I still think I see some usefulness in it. I still think I see some usefulness in it. I still think I see some usefulness in it. Can he now take them all every one? Do I really believe God can? There's a question mark there. Can he now take them? Do I believe it? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. Okay, fair enough. When ready, we say something like this. If anybody wants to join me, feel free. They have a wonderful prayer here in step seven. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me. I am now willing that you should have all of me. Am I willing that God should have all of me? Good and bad. Let God figure it out. If I'm here to play the role God assigns, I got to give him everything. Do I get to have the life I always wanted? Maybe not. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. That's my life. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. All right, that's it. No, I'm kidding. Now, if I relied on the words in the book, we'd have very short talk. But this stuff strikes every fabric of my being, my very existence. Every time I get up in the morning and that vulture on the bedpost greets me, which isn't every day, but sometimes, where am I going to go with that? And if I'm here to be truly transformed, maybe I don't get to live the life I always wanted, it's like would any one of us be willing to say a prayer God show me what you would have me be and be willing to do it be willing to do it because say God shows up and says alright Scott I want you to go buy a Sanford and Son type of pickup truck load it with lumber and a hammer and some nails and get a bag of seeds and you're going to drive out to the Pocono Mountains somewhere in Pennsylvania and at the beginning of this trailhead I want you to build a shack and plant these seeds live off the land and I want you to be a happy face and a kind smiling face to hikers when they come by there will be a stream nearby you can get water there's plenty of firewood to keep you warm in the winter time and you're just going to be a kind soul to those that are on this hiking path that's what I want for you what? what do you mean? we just bought another boat laughter laughter laughter I don't want to be that guy now I don't know if it's going to be as drastic as that but am I really willing to live my life for God's reasons and in his ways I mean it's just a thought I've never gotten a message as direct as that but I have gotten guidance I remember after I went through the steps for the very first time with my sponsor I'll tell you what I didn't put my marriage on the table thoroughly and I don't know if it was salvageable or not but I know I'll never know because I didn't put it on the altar you know so anything I want to protect by not putting it on the altar I can be pretty sure I'm going to lose it and I'll tell you what my illness wants to get involved in everything that's the most important to me if my life in AA and how you see me my image in Alcoholics Anonymous if I start to let these invitations go to my head I'm in serious trouble I'm in serious trouble because alcoholism wants to get in there and now I'm more interested in giving a good talk than I am about sharing my actual experience right I want to protect I've been trying to keep myself safe my whole life and I've failed if my relationships are the most important thing to me alcoholism wants to get in there and run the show as our friend Peter says years ago it's always looking for a crack in the armor if my job and making money is most important to me then alcoholism wants to run the show then alcoholism wants to run the show and I've got to go there whatever it is I have to watch out for that stuff I have to be vigilant in that regard to watch out continue to watch that's what our book says continue to watch and what do we do when we run into it we bring it right to God always it's not like oh think harder how not to be this way try harder no, bring it to God God please take this from me I can't use the same mind to make this stuff happen I can't use the same mind to get me out of trouble that gets me into trouble. I have to go to my creator. I remember saying this prayer because I looked, my marriage had fallen apart. And I can say through this, because of the way I live today, my first wife and I are better friends now than even when we were married. Like we really care about each other today. It's weird how that happens. My life's just been weird. But I was looking at these pictures that I had found, that I had a bunch of stuff under the bed, because, you know, I was like Steve Martin in a jerk. I don't need you. I don't need anything. And I'm walking down the street, you know, with my box of pictures and my ashtray and a couple of AA coffee mugs with my pants around my ankles, and I'm the jerk. I end up back in Philadelphia, and I got my stuff, and I'm looking at this box of pictures. And it was all... Old family stuff. I still have them in my shop. And I started looking at these pictures. I was not a happy kid, you know. I just wasn't. I always wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be over there. You know what I mean? I wanted to be here. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. Everybody else had better parents. Everybody else had a better looking house, I thought. My house looked like the same as every other house on the street. That's how they were. Nothing was different. But I just wish... Man, I wish I had their backyard. I wish I had... That's... You know, we had a little backyard. It was about as big as this lectern top here. It was small. But everybody else's was better than ours. And I saw these pictures, and not one single picture, as I went through the years, did I have a smile on my face. Not one. And this isn't a tale of woe. This was great stuff. My pick was about to strike gold. And I had no idea until I said a very potent prayer. And I said, God, please show me what was going on in my life. And I was not a believer in suppressed memories or any of that foo-foo stuff and therapy crap. I don't want to hear about that stuff. I didn't believe in any of it until that prayer paid off. And I was ready for it. So if I'm having troubles in my life today, I keep running into the same situations, the same contending. Now, in contending, is it more valuable to have a problem solved or to contend with it? Think about that. I would have first said, oh, well, it's solving the problem. And it's like, really? Just having it solved? Like my drinking problem. It was taken from me seemingly with no effort on my part. I don't know how, any hows or whys of that. Other problems in my life, I've contended with them. And I believe there's more value in that. I learn more from that. I grow more from that. It's like when you go to the gym. It's the truth. It's the truth. It's the truth. It's the truth. The strengthening is in the resistance. You know, the resistance of the weights is what builds that muscle. Contending with our problems builds spiritual muscle, builds spiritual stamina. And I'm going to need it. I'm going to need it if I want to have transformation in God here in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I said this potent prayer, God, please show me why I looked like that as a kid. And all these memories of abuse started flooding back. And not the physical abuse that I was already quite aware of. My brother abused the living daylights out of me physically. But sexual abuse. Stuff that I had no, stuff that changed me forever. And I was completely unaware of it. And I had pushed that stuff so far down I didn't even remember it. And I couldn't believe it. I thought my head was going to pop off. I had a physical feeling of warmth and shaking. And I just, I thought I was going to come undone right then and there. And I remember picking up the phone and calling my sponsor. And I'm like, what am I going to do? This is what I did. And this is what's happening. And he's like, stop. Just be still. He said, this is the time. And we're going to deal with this stuff. And I've been able to deal with it. And I had to learn a lot about forgiveness. Because what I had been hearing in Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time was I needed to find alcoholics. My part. And nowhere in our literature does it say anything about my part. Nowhere. It says I had to look for my own faults. And what was my fault? I was like six. What was my part? Part? Are you kidding me? Don't tell somebody they had to find their part. Especially in a situation like that. What was my fault? Well, now my fault was I was 40 years old at the time. And what am I going to do with it? I want to hate this person. I want to find this person. I want to punish this person. That was my fault. Because they were the first thoughts I had. Is that I'm going to make them pay. Maybe I'll take their life. Right? I just stepped onto a spiritual path. And I can't afford thoughts like that. I can't afford thoughts like that today. Tommy and I were just. Talking about something. And he was talking about. An experience with a guy in a bar. That opens his jacket. And he's like. We don't do that. And I looked at Tom. And I'm about to get up here. And talk about character defect. I look next to me to Tommy. And I said. Well, Tommy. You know. Sometimes people do need to get shot. That was a half an hour ago. Right? And that just slips out of my mouth. We were doing a retreat out in Frisco, Colorado. And I remember. Remember that? What was that? When COVID hit. We put our own retreat together. And my friend Jeff from Texas. He was sharing about being in Mexico. And the crooked cops down there. Like they'll pull you over and rob you. And I wasn't even thinking. I wasn't thinking too deeply. I just came up top of my head. I'm like. Well, yeah, Jeff. But can't you just get the drop on him. And blast him? And he looked at me like. What? And I didn't. I'm like. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. Don't do that. I don't know. I mean. That's how I solved problems growing up. And I'm not. I'm not saying that. Like. Oh. You know. Some glamorous life. It ruined my life. This stuff's going to ruin my life. Character defect is how I did business when I walked in here. It didn't matter if I was in a marriage. Or I was in a business deal. You know what I mean? Like this stuff is going to ruin my life. And for some of us. It's ruining it right now. And I just keep leaning on the same stuff. That I built this terrible life on. Though I usually don't think so. Because I have a little bit of a better attitude now. Right? And the book says. A code of morals. Or a better philosophy on life. Was sufficient. Many of us would have recovered long ago. Been healed long ago. And my everyday life is going to throw that stuff. That'll be the arena for change. My everyday life. All this stuff is going to crop up. Because it's supposed to. So don't let anybody tell you. That if you cross your T's. And dot your I's. Just the right way. None of this stuff's going to crop up. And if you. Oh if anything crops up. Man it's because you're not spiritually fit. That's a nonsense. Now I do know what. What it looks like to be. Not to be plugged in and spiritually fit. And that's when this stuff does crop up. I don't respond to it. With the tools AA's given me. Now we could do that too. Don't get it mixed up. What I'm saying. It doesn't give me car blanche. To be a usually don't think so guy. And run. And run riot over my friends. Family. Wife. Clients. But this. If I'm in the game for real. This stuff's coming up. And I have the tools. The book gives it to me. Right here. Stuff to talk to my sponsor about. And a. And a. All loving. Caring. Forgiving God. To bring that stuff to. That will. Give me. What I need. To do. To do. What I need. In order to heal. Cause if you stick your finger. In one of my wounds. And I'm not even aware of it. Man. You better look out. I'm like a bucket. Of unprotected gasoline. And kabam. I will go. Volcanic. And I've had it happen. And I would wonder why. What the hell is wrong with me. I remember being on Kensington Avenue. And this stuff's like six years old. Five years old. You know that thing. With the abuse as a child. Is 15 years old. And all. Stuff that's going on with me. Right now. I'll better understand that. Next year. Or maybe the year after. Jimmy will say. He'll say. We live life forward. And we understand it backwards. I'm better off. Explaining what my current life is. Next year. Maybe I'll have a better understanding of it. I talked about love. Transforming me. I needed. I had two episodes. Within one week. That were pretty insane. One was on Kensington Ave. Another was a guy. Hit my car. And took off. And I chased him. And caught him. And it was insane. But it was. It all happened. Within a few days. And I had to take a look at that stuff. And what I found out was. If you are in a position of power. What I think you're. Or you just try to hurt me. I'm not going to let that happen. And that stuff went all the way back. To that little boy. Who was in those pictures. With that face. That was experiencing abuse. He couldn't tell anybody about. But if I feel I'm being abused. Man. I'm going to get you. And I'm going to do it. Right here. Right now. And I don't care what happens. And I can't live my life like that. And it took a very long time. And two embarrassing moments. Within a week's time. And I'm the AA guy at this point. And I'm showing up to the altar. With this embarrassing stuff. Like I can't believe this just happened. Well it had to happen. And I've been able to heal from that. And I've been placed in positions. Where somebody in a position of power. In particular on a job. Somebody who's controlling the money. Is basically telling me. You're going to do it. And you're going to do it. And I've been able to be professional. And not bounce this guy off every wall in the room. And act in a professional manner. And what happens is God always takes care of me. I needed to learn a lot about love. I knew a lot about the feeling of love. Falling in love. That whole thing that we all know about that. It's not a choice. It either happens or it doesn't. And when it does happen. It's powerful. And it's supposed to be. It gets us together. So that we'll have kids. Right. Keeps the species going. But I mistook that for love all my life. And I'm like a pleasure seeking missile with that stuff. Man. My sponsor calls it orphan heart. It's like you pay me just the right amount of attention. Or just the right way. That little smile. Like what Nicolette's giving me right now. I'd be like oh man. You know. And I don't even know what's driving me. This brokenness in me. This I'm looking for mommy. And you toss the in love thing in there. Man I'll swear I love you. And then after that in love thing wears away. I walk away. Because love is a choice. And it's a difficult. Inconvenient action. Because I have to love you. Even when you're not acting so lovable. Or I don't feel the love. It's not a feeling. It's an action. My wife and I went through some very difficult times. Over the past couple of years. And we were dating. And bouncing off each other. And it's like her defects were bringing out my defects. And I'm looking at her. And it was like. We were like duking it out. And I'm like what's going on here man. It's like I feel like. I'm sparring with you. And we would break up. And get back. And try it again. Because we had been friends for like 10 years. Before we ever dated. It should be easy right. And we called it quits. And it was amicable. In that regard. In the regard that we didn't fight. We had no ill words. Or feelings towards each other. We just couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. It's like. I feel like I'm duking it out. With you. You feel like you're duking it out with me. Whatever. And okay. And then her father got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And she had reached out to me. And said look you know me. You know my family. And I would spend a lot of time over COVID. Just visiting with her parents. Bringing them food and stuff. And we would sit you know five feet apart. And we'd have our lunches. And her mom would get this low salt ham. And her dad would get the roast beef. And you know. That's when I got introduced to what's it. Mike's hoagie. Not hoagies. Mike's subs. We don't have subs. We got hoagies. Anyway. So I said of course. You know. I had feelings and love for her parents. So I was a support in that regard. And romance was off the table. And I think that might have been. That was a big part of what saved us. Because it allowed for the action of love. Without being muddied. By sex. Which I had never practiced in this regard. Never. I couldn't get close. The only way I know how to touch you. Is through sex or violence. And I couldn't do this with a woman. And it was off the table. And I remember asking God. God should I do this? To just be a support. Can I do this without ruining it? And I was able to pull it off. And it was inconvenient. And I wasn't feeling it. So love wasn't a feeling. I had to show up. To be a support. To be a support. Because it was like. Oh you know. We ask a family member. Hey can you go feed him. Wednesday at 4 o'clock. Can you go change his patch. His fentanyl patch. Wednesday at 3.30. Can you go administer pain medication to him. Or help the aid turn him. Whatever it was. And the family member would say. I don't know. I got to get. I can do it. And I live in Philadelphia. And this is exit 117 on the Garden State Parkway. That I got to go to. Or 114. And I would do that back. I was you know. And it wasn't because I wanted to be a hero. I was. I was moved to do that. I wanted to be able to love honestly. And perpetually. And God gave me the opportunity to do it. And I remember sitting with her father. And he was a little more than skeptical. Because he had watched us go back and forth. And I let him know that my intentions were pure. And by this time we had decided to be together. And I let him know that I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. And I promised him that. And then before her father passed. Which we knew he was going to. Melissa's mother had a slip and fall. And she hit her head. And she didn't survive it. 40 days later her dad passed. And it was hard. And to say that at times Melissa wasn't acting so loving. She wasn't. She was so just annihilated by all this. And I said I'm here. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. And I had asked her to marry me at this point. And all right. We're going to get away. We're going to go down for Christmas. We're going to go down to Kentucky and visit. Which you're saying. My sister who's now my sister in law. Brother in law. And we're driving down to Kentucky in my truck. And we hit black ice on the Pennsylvania turnpike. And the truck goes bananas. I thought the wheels were coming off. Because I just had new tires put on it. And we're going in a straight line. The truck just started going bananas doing about 70. And we hit the guard rail doing 65 or 70. And we went through that guard rail and rolled over 100 feet. Maybe 150 feet. And, man, I came to. And I'm like, whoa, man, what just happened? And I get her out of the car. We end up going to the emergency room somewhere at Redding Hospital. And they give us the exams and the CAT scans and all this stuff. And they said, you got this going on, that going on. And that stuff will all heal. But. And once he said, but, he says, we saw a mass on your kidney. And I thought, I knew. Somewhere I'd been walking around with the idea that I'd never make it to 60, that I was going to die of cancer. And I was like, I knew it. It wasn't conscious to me. But in that moment, I knew it. And my next thought with that came, I'm dead. And then my next thought was maybe this accident just saved my life. And it did. I don't know. God has a way of laying out our lives in a way that I'll never be able to explain. I just don't get it. And if I'm trying to get it, forget it. I have a special gift. I have a sponsee who's in his 30s, just had his entire kidney removed. And he's been going through a lot, man. It's really bad. Because he had what I had five, six years ago. And they said, don't worry about it. It's a cyst. And then before you know it, it's the size of an orange. And he's 36 years old and just had to take his whole kidney out. But he was in rehab with a guy who's like this with the CEO at Fox Chase Cancer Center. And he called. We're doing the appointment. And I told him, you know, we just had the accident and this, that, that. And he goes, damn, man. He goes, I was in rehab with a guy who's really tight with the CEO at Fox Chase Cancer Center, which is one of the top three in the United States. He said, send me your scans. You got them? I said, yeah. He goes, send them to me. I'll forward them to him. And I did. And two weeks go by. I didn't hear nothing. And he says, hey, did they call you? I said, no, not yet. Hang up the phone with him. The next day, Fox Chase calls me. And I'm like, what? And they say, hey, man, we got your scans. We want you to come in. Can you come in on Thursday? I said, oh, yeah, I can come in on Thursday. Melissa and I go in, sit in the office. I meet this guy, Kutakoff. Rick knows him. He's the number one urologist in the United States. He sits me down. Young guy. He says, listen, I got your scans. He pulls them up. He shows me everything. This is what's going on. That's going on. There's a two-part. Here's what I want to do. I have biopsy and nothing. 80% of the time, it's cancer. Trust me. I believe this to be cancer. We'll do one more scan just so I can prove to myself it is with blood flow and stuff. He goes, but this is what I believe it is. This is what I propose to do. We're just going to go in here and cut that thing out of you. And you're going to be okay. And I knew he wasn't lying. And I had a sense of peace and calm. Now, don't get me wrong. Walking around knowing there's cancer growing inside of you and it's going to kill you if it's not taken out, if you're not healed. It weighs on you. The same as walking around with every fiber of my being being driven down the road by character defect gnaws away at me. And we're not doing nothing about it in here. We're not going to make it. I had to do something about that. He did the operating and God did the healing. I was in and out of that operating room in two hours up in my recovery room at 930 at night. They did the healing. They discharged me at noon. I went back up my skin. You know what I mean? I trusted in him. And I remember going to home group and somebody saying, oh, you need a second opinion. You need it. And I know I don't. No, and I knew he was my guy. I knew he was my guy. I know God's my guy. I'm his guy. If he's the father and I'm the child, he's the teacher, I'm the student. Right? He's the principal. I'm the agent. I'm working for God to the best of my ability. Do I do a great day's work all the time? I don't know. But I'm trying. And I need to experience real transformation in here. Otherwise, I'm walking around with a cancer inside of me. And it's eating away at the fabric of my everyday life right now, right here, right now. Alcoholism is right here, right now. What's going on today? How's it showing up today? How am I responding to it today? How am I willing to be transformed in God today? And other than that, we just learn how to, you know, get our rap down in here. So it's like, what's it going to be? I remember asking my sponsor, what's Alcoholics Anonymous all about? And he said something that I didn't even know. What are you talking about? He says, it's learning to live with jam on your face. And I'm like, what the hell does that mean? Learning to live with jam on my face? Like I didn't have any, you know? I didn't want any. But, you know, like I said, the action of love over the past year or two has really transformed me. And I had been searching for love all my life. But I've been searching for you to love me. And then there's still that part of me that doesn't believe I deserve it. So it's like there's a lot of weird stuff going on inside of us a lot of the time. But I wouldn't have been able to experience anything to the date without you guys and without God in my life. Thank you so very much.