Step 3 at the Courthouse Door — Open It, Breathe Deep, and Let Higher Power Walk In First – Matt K.

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Now let's welcome our speaker, Matt.
Hi, I'm Matt Kimball and I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to thank the meeting for
uh
uh
uh
putting me up with me for the last year.
I've got a list of changes that I want to go through with you guys right now.
Anyway, let's start with me not being secretary.
If you're new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the Brentwood Workshop.
It was the first meeting I came to as a newcomer that I laughed at,
and so I hope that if I don't say anything funny tonight that
you
you
you
.
Mm-hmm.
Um,
Just find another meeting that you can go to and not drink between meetings, you know.
When I got sober, um, they tell me the most important thing I can find in a meeting is
where's my next meeting going to be and can I stay sober between now and my next meeting,
and that's all that matters.
And, um, and I remember when I got sober, I came here, I needed $500 and a lawyer.
and, uh, I was gonna go to jail. Back then when you got arrested for drunk driving, it was a $500 fine.
And you guys said, sounds like you need a meeting.
And I was like, no, you don't understand.
I'm going to go to jail.
And you guys said, well, that's probably exactly where you need to be.
And I thought, you guys are not my kind of people after all.
So, wow.
Okay.
Okay.
I just, I'm going through, it's hot up here.
My sobriety date is November 6, 1978.
Um, the last time I drank, I kind of had two last drunks.
Um, what happened was, um, the last six months, the last six months of my drinking, I had been, um, I had been arrested for drunk driving.
I'd been arrested for drunk in public.
I'd been arrested for, uh, um, controlled substances.
And I was on probation.
I'd been on probation.
From the time I was nine until I was 22 years old.
Um, the first time I ever got arrested was at the Whole Foods.
It used to be a Westford Ho up here on, on San Vicente.
I was nine years old the first time I got arrested there.
And, uh, you know, I went to elementary school right over here at Brentwood Elementary.
I went to, uh, Emerson Junior High School.
And I went to Uni High.
And, uh, um, so the last time I was, uh, drinking, one of the last times I drank, I, I, I had had this.
I had had this run where, uh, um, I'd been, um, in a bunch of accidents, car accidents, and, um, physical problems.
Um, I, uh, the last six months of my drinking, I had been drinking a quart of vodka every day, two six-packs of Schlitz malt liquor, and, um, whatever you had to take, I was taking.
And, um, I was, I had lost the ability to talk to anybody.
I couldn't communicate with anybody anymore.
I, I just.
Um, I had been hit by a car.
I was, I was working at the Rainbow and the Roxy parking cars.
I was a valet car parker.
And the first night I was there, I took some Quaaludes and drank a quart of Bacardi.
Because I found out my girlfriend was sleeping with somebody.
So, uh, the manager of the parking lot came in.
He goes, man, you can't drive like that.
So he gave me a gram of Coke.
He goes, go do this Coke and we'll talk.
So I said, okay.
And, um, I, you know, I did this stuff.
And, um, we stayed up all night long talking.
And I told him, like, my girlfriend was sleeping.
It was somebody else.
And I was really upset about it.
And he felt bad for me.
So he made me the manager of the parking lot.
And then two weeks later I found out this was one of the guys sleeping with my girlfriend.
I was like, oh.
But it was in the day of Quaaludes and she was a giver.
All my friends liked her.
Um, so, um, when I was working at the Rainbow and the Roxy, I got hit by a car.
And this also had my head caved in.
I had brain contusions.
I had partial amnesia.
I lost my sense of smell.
I still can't smell.
At that time, by that time I had been splitting my wrists.
I had been trying to commit suicide.
Um, by that time I think I had been arrested 12 times.
And, uh, and, um, I was looking at going to jail.
Um, I had since, I had been seeing psychiatrists.
Um, and a couple weeks after I got hit by a car, another friend of mine died in a car accident.
And at his funeral, um, I was in the car.
I was in the car.
I went to my friend Tom's house and I stole a bottle of vodka from his mother's, uh, bar.
And he, that night Tom got so upset with me for stealing his mom's vodka that he pinned
me down to the ground and he beat my head on the ground until my eardrums burst.
And the next day I walked into my doctor's office with blood coming out of my ears.
And, uh, and my doctor said, what happened to you this time, Matt?
And I said, it's just a friendly fight, doc.
It's no big deal.
And he goes, you know, Matt, your friends are trying to kill you.
You're gonna die.
You're gonna die.
I can't, I can't treat you anymore.
You're gonna die.
So, um, three weeks after that, on June 3rd, 1978, I took, uh, three hits of Purple Microdot
and, uh, drank a case of Schlitzblatt liquor on the way to Santa Barbara to go see the
Grateful Dead play.
And, uh, on June 3rd, 1978, and, uh, I stayed up all night long.
I drank a quart of Jack Daniels, a quart of tequila, and a quart of Southern Comfort.
And then we were staying at the same hotel as the band and they told me, my friends told
me that I was partying with Jerry and Bob, but it might have been a tree, I'm not really
sure.
And, uh, the next day I walked into the concert and I got arrested for drunken public.
And I called my mom and my mom came to pick me up and she said, you know, Matt, you got
three choices.
She says, I'll give you a one-way ticket to Germany or Hawaii, um, or you can stay with
me for 30 days and go to Alcoholics Anonymous, or I'll drop you off at the Midnight Mission
and you can go, go live with Clancy.
And, uh, so I stayed sober.
And, uh, I got a sponsor, I got in the Pacific Group at that time, and, uh, my sponsor said,
you know, what we do here is we don't take anything that affects us from the neck up.
We don't snort anything funny, we don't do recreational heroin, we don't drink, we don't
smoke anything, we don't do poppers, and we don't do sniff glue, nothing that affects
us from the neck up.
And, um, and we don't do speed and I thought, you know, when I was six years old, I was
fat.
And, uh, and when I went to Emerson Junior High School, I didn't do anything that affected
me from the neck up.
When I went to Emerson Junior High School, I became a speed freak and I became really
skinny.
And I thought, when he told me we don't do anything, I thought, if I ever get fat again,
I'm doing speed.
And, um, so I just gave myself an out.
I wasn't 100% done, you know, I'm not done yet.
So on, uh, November 5th, 1978, I had a fender bender car accident and I went out and drank
a couple six packs of beer.
I drank a six pack of Carlsberg Elephant Malt and a six pack of, uh, of Schlitzmalt liquor.
And then I wanted to get a bottle of alcohol.
I wanted to get a bottle of vodka.
And, uh, my friend said, he said, you know, Matt, my friend Doug, who lives in Maui, who's
got three years today, he said, Matt, you know, he says, you got to go back to AA tomorrow.
You can't hang out, you can't hang out with me anymore, you're going to die.
You got to go back to your mom's and go to AA.
And so I went back to AA the next day and I haven't had a drink since that day.
And, um, I, I, I'm kind of just thinking about, I went to the, what's left of the Grateful
Dead last night and, uh, and, um, and I was with.
It was really, it was fun because it was like a lot, I saw like 20 of my high school friends
and some of them were on psychedelics and, uh, some of them were just not, and some,
a couple were sober, but for the most part, I'd say, you know, 80% of my friends were
really high.
And, uh, and I just, you know, I called John on the way over here.
My brother John's been sober for 41 years, he just turned 41.
So I just, I asked my brother John, I said, have you ever been to a concert with all the
people?
All the people you drank with and not get high, that's the weirdest thing, man.
So, uh, it was, it just, and I, I brought, I, I was so happy and overjoyed and overwhelmed
with good feelings to see my friends and at the same time, I was really uncomfortable.
And I know that that uncomfortable feeling is why I drank, you know, I drank to hang
out with my friends.
I, I got high to be with the people I was with last night and they're still my best
friends.
But they're not people I, I choose to hang out with all the time, but I have a really
good feeling when I see them, but I also get really uncomfortable and I need to go to meetings
because I need to be comfortable.
Um, so I'll tell you a little bit about, um, some stuff.
So this, since this is a workshop, I think that, um, I like to think about forgiveness
and love and a higher power.
That's kind of important to me and my sobriety today and, um, and it has been for quite a
long time.
Um.
I've found that for me, like, um, forgiveness has been, um, and also perception.
My perception is, is, is often wrong, you know, and I, what I learned a long time ago
on how to deal with my life doesn't always work for me today, but sometimes I still go
back to it.
And so I need to be reminded constantly that I'm no longer running the show and I can't
base myself, my sense of wellbeing on having my way and if I do, I'm not, I'm never going
to be happy.
Um.
Well.
One thing that used to happen to me in sobriety was I would, I would, I would set my, I would
set goals for myself and I would achieve goals, but I was never happy with any of the goals
I achieved.
And so I started thinking about like, well, if I could just perfect how I get the stuff
I'm getting, then I'll just always have good stuff happening.
And then I'll, I just, it doesn't matter how, what I'm trying to get.
I'll just do what I'm doing to get what I want.
And I just obsessed on that for the longest time.
And I was never happy inside.
No.
And I never felt any sense of accomplishment if I, if I ever achieved anything and I never
felt that sense of satisfaction in my heart.
And I also felt the disconnect from my higher power, which I didn't know at the time.
And I think today, you know, I think that there are two things that we have really seriously
for me is that, is the two problems that I have is not getting my way.
And then just a disconnect from a higher power and knowing that those are my two problems.
If I know those are my two problems all the time, I'm, I'm pretty good.
So, um, but you know, when you're busy at a Grateful Dead concert and somebody's smoking
pot in front of you and you're telling them to stop smoking pot, it's hard to figure out
that you're just disconnected from the God at the time when you're telling them to put
the stuff away.
But anyway, but we try to, you know, we try to learn how to do that stuff and, and, and
in practice and we do.
So, um, some of the things I learned when I was younger, um, I mean, I have some examples
for when I was, when I was, when I was 15 years old, that guy, Tom and I, and if Tom
ever hears this tape.
Um, he's not in AA, but, um, we, we, we got these phone calls from this girl that he,
my friend Tom, we lived in Westwood and these two girls lived in, in Bel Air and they asked
us, um, they said, if you guys bring us a bottle of Southern Comfort, they'd have sex
with us.
And we'd, we'd like, we'd heard of that, you know, when we were 15 and we'd been talking
about it for a long time.
So we got, you know, we, we got a taxi, we got, you know, we panhandled, we got a bottle
of Southern Comfort and we ended up in Bel Air and the magic happened and the girl that
I was with.
The next day I, turns out she had a boyfriend and, uh, he was a couple of years older than
me.
He was on a football team and, uh, and, and, and from the ninth grade to the 12th grade
at every single party I went to, it seemed like this guy, Frank was at that party and
Frank was, you know, so somebody would say, Kimball, Frank's here and I go, I gotta go,
you know, and I would run cause I just was not going to, I mean, I like, I'm a fighter.
I love to fight.
I mean, I really did like to fight.
I was, I liked to drink and fight.
I was just one of those guys.
But there's no fight when you, you just.
It just hit me, I'm wrong, you know, and I'm, I'm a pussy.
So I'm, I'm like, I'm a fighter, but I'm also not like a guy that wants to get it.
So anyway, right after high school, I heard Frank died of cancer and I was like, oh, thank
God, you know, and so, and I got sober right after high school.
So miracles do happen.
And then a couple of years, I don't have a lot of time to talk.
So, um.
In, in 1996, I, uh, I graduated high school in 1977.
I got sober in 1978.
So I heard Frank died in 1977.
And in 1996, I was working on a movie for, I was working as a, an assistant to an actor.
And, um, and in 1996, I'm, I'm, I drive my actor to this stage and, and, uh, I do, I'm,
I get out of the car and I open the door for him in the trailer.
And this actress walks by and with her, you know, her driver, he looks familiar and he
opens the door for her.
And I look at him and he looks at me and I go, Frank?
And he looks at me and he goes, Kimball?
And I go, I heard you died of cancer.
And he goes, I heard you died of cancer.
And I said, I swear to God I didn't know she was your girlfriend.
That was the first thing I said.
He goes, you swear to God?
Anyway, Frank's a black belt in karate, and oh my God, I swear to God, this is true, Frank
just called me.
Oh my God, he really did.
So when I got sober I really wanted to be a roadie, and I was kind of dabbling in doing
music stuff when I was a kid, and my brother Jim was a roadie for a band, and there was
music in my family a lot, a lot of everybody was doing stuff, and so we started promoting
shows when we were little kids, and building flash pots and lighting stuff.
I took some classes at Santa Monica College, I got sober, and this time I got Clancy as
a sponsor, and I went to the Pacific Group, and I wanted to be a sound engineer and learn
some sound stuff.
And then go on tour and be a roadie, and you guys said, you better wait until you get
a year of sobriety.
And then I got a year, and you guys said, you better wait until you get three years.
So I got this job offer to work at a club, and I called Clancy and told him about this
job offer, and Clancy, and I said, but I'm not going to take the job, because if I take
the job I'll miss the Wednesday night meeting, I won't be able to go to the Pacific Group
meetings.
And he said, what are you talking about, kid?
He says, I thought you wanted to be a sound engineer.
And I go, I do.
And he goes, well, he says, the steps are set up for you to be a sound engineer, and
the steps are set up for you to walk through your fears, for you to have your life.
He said, don't try to live my life or anybody else's life.
He says, live your life and take that job.
He says, try to come to the Wednesday night meeting if you can, but if you can't make
it, go to other meetings.
So I took the job, and what ended up happening was I started going to the Uncle John meetings
during the day, and I met a guy named Bob Horrigan there, and Bob became my sponsor
for 22 years, and Bob was a guy that I saw who had a sense of humor, and I wanted what
he had.
He referred to me and my brother John and my brother Jim as Larry, Larry, and Daryl,
and he always invited us to sit in the brain damage section with him, and he was just funny.
And then his sponsor, Fred Ellis, died, and when Fred died, Bob did the eulogy, and this
is before I asked him to be my sponsor, but this was when he did the eulogy, and he was
crying and telling jokes at the same time, and I thought, I want what he has.
I want to be able to do that.
And so Bob was my sponsor for 22 years.
And he taught me how to walk with dignity and how to have a sense of humor.
At 10 years of sobriety, I had a son, I went in to get custody of my son, and at this time,
I believed that group conscious was my higher power, but I didn't come to Alcloc Synonymous
with a God, and I didn't know how to use God all the time.
I knew how to use the group all the time.
I knew that if I went to a meeting I would get it.
I would feel good. I stayed sober by meetings. I did the steps to the best of my ability
up to that point in time. But I had to reestablish a connection with a higher power that wasn't
working for me when I was downtown in the courthouse. You know, and so I was really
uncomfortable at the L.A. Superior Court. And I looked at Bob and Bob looked at me and
he said, you know, Matt, he goes, he goes, what's wrong? And I said, you know, Bob, I've
been arrested 13 times. I've been guilty 13 times. I go, I've testified for friends of
mine that after I testified, they were guilty. I go, this system sucks. It doesn't work for
me. And I don't like this. I don't want to be here. And Bob said to me, you know, he
was just kind and patient. And he said, you know, Matt, life's like the Academy Awards.
He goes, the judge has already read your case and she's already put the answer in the envelope.
And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we're not in the results business. We're in the action
business. He said, so what your job is, is to go in and calmly state your case to the
judge.
And then be quiet. Because Bob knew me well enough to know that I'm the kind of guy that
once you give me what I want, I can tell you why you should have given it to me in the
first place and work my way right out of a good deal. So he said, just shut up. You know,
that's basically what he said. And then he said, you know, if you're worried about the
other shoe dropping, he says, what if the guy upstairs only has one leg? So he got me
to laugh, you know, and then, which he always did. And then he said, last thing, Matt, he
says, before you walk in the courthouse, he says, I want you to open the door.
Take in a deep breath and let God walk in first. And calmly state your case to the judge.
And I did. And I ended up getting custody of my son, you know, and I still do that.
I still calmly, when I get uncomfortable, I'll take a break, I'll open the door, I'll
let God walk in first. Wherever I go, I try to let God walk in first. And I try to be
conscious of a presence, a creative intelligence underlying the totality of all things. With
goodness for all of us. And my sponsor today is a guy named Howard P. So I love talking
to Howard about higher powers. So anyway, so, you know, shortly after I did the roadie
thing, I ended up getting cancer after I had my son. I had throat cancer and I got married
afterwards and things happened with my cancer.
And I got through that in sobriety. I got through that with you guys. You know, I had
this, I was married. So often in my life, I want what I want when I want it. Like, I
wanted what I wanted. I wanted, I was married and my wife found out that I was, I guess
I was on tour. And when I was on tour, she met somebody else and she loved me when I
came home. And I was diagnosed with cancer at the same time. And I had like this, I'm
a professional victim, you know, so I had like this, well, I've got cancer and my son's
mom's now taking me back to court. And I was like, I'm a professional victim. And I was
hurt and I'm losing the house and I lost the car. And won't you take me back now? You
know, I'm like, I was trying everything and nothing would work, you know. So, so I had
a friend who, on the program who, who helped me and I moved in with her and she was, she's
a celebrity, you know, and she took care of me, you know, and she introduced herself to
all the doctors as either my wife or my sister. And I got a lot of really wonderful help,
you know, and, and because of what she did. But, but I would still would rather have had
my way, which wouldn't have gotten me anything. I would have just been uncomfortable with
this woman who didn't want to be with me. And I wouldn't have had the care that I had.
And I, you know, anyway, so, but, you know, when I was going through all this stuff, I
didn't know why it was happening to me. And, but Howard told me there's a golden thread
in everything that happens. And in hindsight, we can see where the existence of God is.
And after the fact of this whole thing, I could see that, you know, I had a big tumor
that was rotting around my jugular vein and I had tonsil cancer from smoking. And I quit
smoking 10 years before I got the cancer. So if you smoke, don't quit. And just a little
disclaimer. So they took out all the, my tonsils, they took out all the lymph nodes out of this
side of my neck. I had a radical neck dissection and they got rid of the tumor. And in hindsight,
after, you know, I can see clearer now that, that the tumor probably created a lack of
oxygen in my brain. And that's why I married that bitch in the first place.
.
But the truth is, is she married a guy that wasn't going to go on the road. She got, what
she got was something that she didn't want to have. And if I wanted to keep that relationship,
I could, I'm sure I could have made it work out. Anyway, maybe if I got tuberculosis or
something.
.
Anyway, so, so, the guy, Tom, that beat my head on the ground, you know, the guy that
I met at my 20-year high school reunion, I hadn't talked to him in 20 years. And Tom
was there last night at the Grape of Death concert too. And, and anyway, so he, he, I
hadn't talked to him since he beat my head on the ground. And I, at the reunion I asked
him if I could take him to coffee. And he said, sure. So we went to coffee the next
day and I told him that, I said, you know, when you beat my, you know, that really hurt.
And I said, you know, I'm sober today. And that's one of the reasons why I'm sober. My
life wasn't working at all. Anything I did, everything I did was wrong. I mean, every,
no matter where I went, there I was and things weren't happening.
The truth is I stole a bottle of vodka from his mom's liquor cabinet. And that's what
I did. So I kicked the toe, you know, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate.
And he retaliated way over the top, but I forgive him and I forgave him. And he started
crying.
And he's told me that he'd been a victim of that for the last 20 years. And he didn't
know how to, how to call me to tell me that. And we became really good friends after, over
the fact. And, you know, and so, and then the thing with Frank that happened, a couple
years, 20, I stopped roading because I just, I can't do it. It's not fun for me anymore,
road managing or whatever. And, and I started a painting business, you know, and I, I'm
an interior exterior house painter.
So that guy, Frank that I saw at that movie shoot got in touch with my friend, Doug. They
both have property in Maui and they saw each other in Maui. And my friend Frank had this
property in Lancaster. He's got houses he wanted to have painted. And he was talking
to my friend Doug about it. And he says, Doug says, call Kimbley. He's a painter. So he
called me up and he asked me if I'd be interested in going to Lancaster to paint his houses
for him. And I said, you know, I go, yeah, I'd go, I would. I go, only if I could do
it for the cost of materials and you pay the labor. And I don't want to make any money.
He goes, no, no, no, I, I'll pay you money. I go, no, no, I got to make an amends to you
for what I did. I go, I lived with that for a long time. You got to let me do this. And
so he said, okay. And, uh, we, I painted three houses for him in Lancaster. And today like
this, he just called, like, I talked to Frank once a year and we have these three hour conversations.
This guy has turned out to be one of my best friends and he's not an AA. And so much of
my life has been
Doug.
Yeah.
Um, based on my fear of not wanting to confront or, or address the things that I've done to
other people that have kept me away from the light of the spirit. And it's been my experience
that every time I faced my fears and go through them on the other side of them, it's been
really, it's been a, it's been a wonderful life. And so, um, what I want to leave everybody
with is the thought of forgiving people and forgiving yourself and how important it is
for me as this alcoholic to try to set a different course so that I don't like, I don't like
have the anger. And you know, I have a, uh, impulse control problems and the, the, the
more I work on being connected to a higher power and the more I think about forgiveness,
the more I think about how we're all just people in world. And if I just can see God
and all of us, I don't really have those impulse control problems as much, but they still come
up and I, I, you know, I, my brother, I was talking to my other, my other brother Luke
and Luke was saying that, you know, um, I'm a moralist. I don't have a moralist. He's
Memorial Day, he says, you know, my dad was a major, a major alcoholic.
But my dad was a major in the Air Force, and he died of cirrhosis of the liver.
And he died when I was three and a half.
And, you know, one of the things he left us with was the vision of him trying to kill my mom
when he, you know, choked her on Christmas and, you know, and beat her head in the ground.
And, you know, I grew up with a lot of violence, and I saw a lot of stuff when I was a kid.
And it kind of helps me to know that, because of what was imprinted on me before,
if I could change how I see that, I could have a different outcome on how I process it.
Because how I've always processed it was, when I used to hear the word dad, I would get really angry.
And what I would do is react out of rage.
And I worked on rage for a long time.
And that hasn't worked for me for a long time.
And the truth is, I haven't seen my dad.
He died when I was three and a half years old.
And, you know, I haven't lived with that kind of violence in my household in 55, 52, I don't know, a long time, 53 years, something like that.
So, but sometimes I still act as if it's happening.
And so I've got...
I've got to try to work on forgiveness, so that I can have a different outcome.
Because I don't want to be that...
I don't want to, you know, I don't want to respond to life that way.
I want to be happy, joyous, and free.
And I do that by going to meetings.
So, I love you guys.
Alcoholics and Amish.
So when I wake up in the morning, I breathe in God.
I breathe in God, and I exhale love, and I breathe in the power of God within me.
I breathe out the grace of God surrounds me.
And I read the third step prayer, the seventh step prayer, and then I do a mantra.
I go...
Money, money, money, money, money, money.
Thank you very much.
Okay, well, now we'll open up for questions.
Anybody have any questions?
Oh, there's one.
Hey, can you talk about...
You grew up in a sober family.
All your brothers were sober.
I think they were all sober.
Your mother was sober.
Your son was sober.
Tell me the pros and cons of that whole situation.
How did that manifest itself?
What did you do?
John asked me if I grew up in a sober family and how that benefited me.
Well, my mom wasn't sober.
My mom was a dry drunk.
And she never...
After my dad died, she just stopped drinking, and she was an untreated Al-Anon.
So I grew up in that kind of a household.
And my oldest brother...
I think my oldest brother, Jim, who passed away about eight years ago, he died sober.
He had 22 years of sobriety.
He was the first one to go to Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 13.
And he was sent to AA by the courts, and he came home with the 20 questions.
And we were all drinking and getting high, and we read the 20 questions.
And so at 13, I knew I was an alcoholic.
My brother, John, read most of them, and he knew that he better not answer yes to any more.
So we kind of like...
The seed was kind of planted.
John was my Eskimo when I was 16 years old.
The very first AA meeting I went to, I had really long hair.
We talk about this a lot.
I had really long hair.
I was wearing no shirt and no shoes.
I was wearing Levi's, I think.
My brother, John, had patch pants on.
He was wearing six-inch patent leather platform shoes.
And he had a big rose feather for an earring and a big white streak in his hair, you know.
And his girlfriend, Kath, has...
She was really well endowed, and she was wearing overalls, you know, and no shirt, you know, just overalls.
It was really hot.
It was a Sunday afternoon.
We walked into the Pacific Group on a Sunday night.
You know, I'm 16 years old.
There's no kids.
There really were no 16-year-olds.
June was here probably, but I don't know.
I don't know if I was in 1975.
I guess she was here.
Yeah, so...
But there weren't...
I think that was it.
And Harriet was the other one, but Harriet's no longer.
Anyway, so...
And we met this guy, Dave.
And Dave 12-stepped us.
And John stayed.
And so what happened...
The benefit of John being sober first was...
I saw John's life just gradually get better.
He went from having that long hair and the platform shoes to...
He got a...
He used to wear those three-piece suits, and he's always wearing a tie,
and he'd always get up here and fix his tie like Rodney Dangerfield.
He was always cracking.
He was just...
He was always having fun.
There was no more drama in his life.
He wasn't going to jail anymore.
He wasn't getting into trouble anymore.
And he just became an example.
He never told me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
But every time I got arrested, he'd pick me up,
and I'd call him and ask him for help,
and he would pick me up,
but never told me to go to an AA meeting,
and I would just kind of go with him.
So he 12-stepped me.
And then my little brother...
I don't know if you guys ever tried to commit suicide,
but I used to...
I tried to commit suicide with a track-two razor.
I don't know if you've ever done that, but it's really hard.
But my little brother used a steak knife,
and he cut his arms like eight times on both sides.
And then he didn't tell me about it,
because he was afraid that I would be upset with him.
And then he got sober after that for a little while.
Then he went back out again, and he drank.
And the next time he drank, he overdosed on heroin.
And he died, and they brought him back to life.
And then he didn't want to tell me about that,
because he thought I'd be upset with him.
So the next thing that happened was
he lived in an apartment building on Barrington,
and he got high again, and he drank.
His sponsor was a guy named Vernon.
And Vernon called me, and he said,
you know, your brother, he tried to commit suicide.
Luke went up on the power lines of his building
and grabbed onto him, and he burned his hands down.
He lost his fingers, and he electrocuted himself.
And Luke's a drummer.
He's a really good drummer.
And he still wasn't ready, you know.
But we just loved him.
And that's not really the truth.
What happened was Vernon asked me if I'd meet him at the meeting.
I met him at the Pico Alano Club,
and Luke looked at me, and he goes,
you know, I just want to die.
And so I did what most of you guys would do.
I hit him.
I just punched him.
I grabbed him.
I go, let's go get a rope.
I'll hang you right now.
Anyway, he's been sober ever since.
No, that's not true.
And then my brother Jim got sober.
It's been a really wonderful thing to have us all here.
Thanks, John, for the question.
Keith.
Thank you, Matt.
Thank you for your service.
You mentioned some of your amends,
but what was the most profound one that you would share with us today?
What was it like?
Um...
Um...
Um...
Oh, the question was,
what was the most profound amends that I made in my life?
I think the first one was to my mom.
You know, it's...
It...
The harm that was done to her was...
that I felt like I did to her
was just so insane, you know.
I mean, just the insanity of it.
I was completely out of control.
You know, I was...
And she was...
She was always there for me.
And, you know, it's...
But, you know, it's kind of...
It was embarrassing, too, you know.
One of my...
One of my girlfriends...
I mean, there was a lot of drinking.
There was a lot of drinking in my house.
And I had no...
I had no switch to...
I wouldn't listen to her at all.
And, anyway, I got...
That was to my mother, you know.
It's hard to make amends sometimes.
Some of the stuff that, you know,
incomprehensible demoralization that came out of that.
But it was freeing, and I...
That would be it to my mom.
Thanks.
When you fall into a dark space,
what is your sort of first call that you make?
When I fall into a dark space,
what's the first call I make?
I call my sponsor.
I talk to my Howard.
Or I call somebody on the program.
You know...
You know, for me,
for me, in a dark space would be for me...
Sometimes I think about, like,
things that have happened
in a morbid, reflective kind of a way.
And I could really work my way into a depressed state.
So I've got, like...
I've got...
I had some things happen with my brain.
And I had this cancer.
And then I have some cysts in my brain.
And...
And...
And I have...
Every now and then, I get these cluster headaches.
And I...
And I'm supposed to get MRIs every six months.
And I started getting these MRIs every six months.
And...
Because they want to keep an eye on these cysts.
And I was having...
I have, like, whiteouts where everything goes.
And last year, I had a thing called...
I think it's GTA.
It's a...
What's it?
I had transient...
Global transient.
Amnesia.
Where I...
I was at my house, and I...
I didn't know where I was.
I didn't know how I got there.
Somehow or another, my brother came and found me.
He brought me to the hospital.
And for eight hours, I didn't know what was happening.
And it's funny, because to think that I used to do that for fun,
you know, but...
So when I thought, like, anybody here would think,
you know, like, when I found out that I had cysts in my brain,
and then you see the scarring in my...
I've got these scars in my brain.
Like, I've got...
In the MRIs, it just shows all this, like, trauma
from all the head injuries.
And I knew there was something wrong.
I knew there was something wrong with me,
other than alcoholism.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Like, we all know it.
I know it.
You know, it's a hangnail.
You know, whatever it is.
And I'm convinced that there's something else wrong with me.
And the more I thought about it,
I just...
I could barely even move after a while.
So I did what anybody else would do.
I don't know about anybody else,
but what I did was I just kind of got...
Slowly but surely started walking through that
and knowing that I'm not a doctor.
I don't want to be a doctor.
I don't want to...
You know, I got to a place where I don't do the MRIs anymore
because I don't...
You know, it's going to be what it's going to be,
and I don't really...
You know, it's...
I'd want to do them every six months,
but it created such a darkness that I don't...
You know, it doesn't really matter.
You know, it doesn't really...
It doesn't...
I don't want to be different than anybody.
I don't want to...
That's the thing, too,
is I don't want to be different than anybody anymore.
I just want to be amongst everybody here.
Like, being secretary of this meeting
was the greatest commitment that I've ever had in my sobriety.
I mean, if I had had this 20 years ago,
I might have...
You know, I just wanted to be a servant.
Like, I just wanted to...
Whatever is best for the group.
I don't...
You know, I just want to be of service.
I don't want to...
My way.
Whatever...
I don't...
There is no...
My way is your way.
Unless we're alone, then it's my way.
But you know what I mean?
It's just like...
I just want to be...
Amongst us.
And how important we all are.
And how important the newcomer is.
And how important that we're here tonight, sober.
Like, and that we get to have sober breasts.
And that, you know, that for 38 years,
I haven't had a drink or a drug.
And, you know, I'm grateful for that.
And so I...
So when I go to...
How I stay out of a dark place now,
what I do now is...
Because I used to...
So if I can...
I could play the tape of how my life's going to fall apart.
But I could also play the tape
that everything else is going to fall apart.
Everything's great.
I could look at my life
and I could wake up in the morning and say,
I love my life.
My life's great.
I love my life.
And I could do a mantra in my head
where everything's okay.
And I'll do,
God is good, God is good, God is good, God is good.
You know, breathe in God, exhale love.
I used to think I was crazy
because I used to drive around the streets
and I'd be like...
I'd be, you know...
I was trying to replace, you know,
anger of people cutting me off with good thoughts.
And so when somebody would cut me off,
I would hold on to that anger for six hours sometimes, you know?
So I'd be driving around,
thinking to myself, chanting in my head,
God is good, God is good, God is good, God is good.
And I used to think, I'm crazy.
But, you know, I don't know what happened,
but somewhere after doing that
for a certain amount of eight years or so,
I had a shift in consciousness
where I don't feel that way anymore.
And the committee in my head is good.
It's quiet.
It's really quiet.
It's quiet, which is amazing.
I'm comfortable in my own skin,
like 99%.
99.9% of the time
with all my imperfections.
And I've got a lot of them, you know?
But you guys tell me it's okay to have them here.
So I'm going to keep coming back
so I can keep talking about it.
Thanks.
How does my relationship with your son evolve
over the course of my life?
How does my relationship with my son evolve
in the disease?
My son's 30 years old.
He's never seen me drink.
And he...
It's...
He grew up in the AA.
You know, he grew up...
I carried him around in the carrier.
He grew up here.
He went to all the meetings with me.
He never...
He drinks.
He's not...
His mom and I talked,
and his mom asked...
We were at a party a couple years ago,
and his mom looked at him and looked at me,
and she said,
Tell your dad what you did.
And I looked at him,
and I go,
What'd you do?
And he goes,
I got really drunk the other night.
And I go,
What happened?
He goes,
Well, I was driving home,
and I was too drunk to drive,
so I pulled over and went to sleep.
And I go,
I looked at...
I was like,
Oh, my God, that's a good thing.
You're not like one of us, you know.
We keep driving until we hit stuff,
so we've got to get home.
We've got places to go.
So she got mad at me.
Anyway, we have a great relationship.
He works all...
He's got a great job.
You know, he's...
He's really...
He's the head of the IT department
at one of those video game places,
and the development...
Develops, you know, video games.
And he's just...
I'm really happy for him.
He's such a...
He's such a gift.
Thanks.
Thanks for asking.
You've got a lot of time to sit.
In your opinion,
can you think back to
when you first changed,
you know, the milestones,
like in chip retail,
for your first project,
something that was...
You started thinking
from the beginning,
Oh, yeah.
So the question,
I've been sober for a long time.
Can I talk about the things
in my first year,
my first milestones
that made me feel like
this might work?
So my first year of sobriety was...
I don't want to scare anybody off,
and you may or may not be like me,
but it doesn't matter.
I couldn't really talk
when I got here.
I had audible and visual hallucinations.
I couldn't read.
I couldn't...
Coherently put anything together.
If I was in a book study,
I would read the paragraph
that I was supposed to read
until I got to my part to read it,
and then I would read it,
and I would stumble on every single word,
and I wouldn't be able to comprehend
what I was reading,
and I wouldn't retain any information.
And you guys never corrected me,
and you guys allowed me to do that,
and you would clap for me
after I was done reading,
and I was...
I was comfortable with that.
I think...
You know,
when I got...
My life was so bad when I got here.
I really held on to the hope
that one day things would change
and my life would get better,
but I didn't think it would.
When I got here, I wanted...
If I could get a minimum wage job,
if I could just get a minimum wage job
and maybe rent a room for myself,
and somebody,
and I could ride my bicycle
or get a moped.
Like, I had, like...
Like, I had...
My sponsor at the time goes...
He goes,
you're going to be just fine.
And he goes, you know,
and he told me something, too.
It was really important.
He says, you know,
he says, just get a...
Whatever job you're getting at,
he says, let me tell you a little secret.
He says, as a newcomer,
you're in the R&D business.
And I go...
He goes, you know what that is?
I go, no.
He says, research and development.
He says, so if you get a job
at a gas station,
people in AA ask you
what you do for a living,
you're in the oil business.
He says, you're going to get, you know,
get a job at the movie theater
taking tickets.
You're in the movie business.
It's going to move.
You're going to move up.
Don't worry about it.
And it was just like...
I think just coming to this meeting
and hearing Norm Alpey speak
was the first time I laughed.
And I...
The laughter of, like,
that there was people in here
laughing over this disease.
And that people felt like I felt.
And you guys knew how I felt.
And you guys allowed me to be okay.
You guys made me feel okay with all...
Really, with everything that was going on.
And you guys kept telling me
it was going to be okay.
I believed you.
I believed Doc Oxenotomy.
So, anyway.
If you're new tonight,
if you've got stuff going on,
it's going to get better.
I promise you it will change.
I promise you it will get better.
I promise.
I promise.
So, anyway.
Anyway.
Thank you so much for that.
But you talked about how your relationship
with your sponsor
powered the team.
It really enhanced your life.
So, Jerry wants to know
how Howard P. has enhanced my life.
He's embarrassing sometimes.
So, Howard...
Howard has really enhanced
my connection with the higher power
and also working the steps
in ways, in all areas of my life,
all the time.
Howard and I work the steps.
Howard...
When I talk to Howard,
we only talk about steps.
That's all we ever do.
It's always about the steps.
But Howard...
When I first met Howard,
he was talking about God a lot.
So, when I wasn't ready
to hear about God,
I would just kind of not listen.
But he would just keep going on anyway.
And then when I was ready
to hear about God with Howard,
he would...
You know, Howard doesn't stop
talking about God
until you fall asleep.
You know, and he talks with the...
He starts with the Big Bang Theory, right?
It's 14 and a half billion years ago.
And he talks about the gases
and the heliums and the atoms
and everything that connects together.
And if you guys like taking acid,
you've got to talk to Howard about God.
So, it's...
It's so similar.
Because it just keeps going on and on and on.
And you think,
when's it going to end?
I've got to get off this stuff.
But he never stopped with...
He knew I wasn't getting it.
Howard knows that I didn't get it.
And he never stopped.
He never gave up on me.
He never stops telling, you know...
When I do my fourth step with him,
and then I do it the way I want to.
And then he says,
well, this is how we're going to do it now.
This is how I'm doing it.
Actually, I'm going to start mine right now.
This is how I'm going to do it.
And I go, okay, I'll do it your way.
So, you know...
And then...
But, you know, I used to...
When I was on the...
I was working for a band.
And Howard was living in Phoenix.
And they were playing at the Arizona State...
The big football field.
And there was a sold-out concert.
And Howard, you know,
insisted on talking to me about God
at the break.
Right in front of the band.
So, we're backstage.
And I'm in a chair.
Like, I'm in a chair.
Like, we're sitting face-to-face with each other.
And God...
You know, Howard never...
You know, God's everywhere.
And I actually did that with Howard.
And I never felt...
It really wasn't that embarrassing after all.
It just...
It just...
You know, Howard's made me feel a connection to...
It's actually introduced me...
Reinvented my higher power
so that I can see that...
You know, we talk about upon awakening.
You know, upon awakening,
we ask God's direction.
Throughout the day,
we pause and ask for God's next
direct...
Direct, right thing to do.
You know, when we retire at night,
we pause throughout the day.
I mean, all the time,
we're supposed to be looking and talking to God.
And other than that,
there's very little part with God
that we have during the day.
But even knowing that we're supposed to do that all the time,
I don't...
You know, unless I'm talking about it,
I'm forgetting about it.
And unless I'm present,
constantly talking about it...
One of the great gifts Howard gave me
is that...
When I worked the steps with him just recently,
you know,
I had, like, the profound...
experience again,
doing my fourth and fifth step with Howard.
And I just had this incredible experience
in the spiritual connection.
We watched this Chuck C. thing,
and we did the...
You know, we do first step,
and then we do the second step,
and then we go back and do the first step again,
and do the second step,
and then the third step,
and then the first, second, third,
and then you do the fourth,
and then the fourth, you do the fifth,
you do the...
You know, it's all cumulative.
And I just had this incredible out of body...
You know, just...
I felt this connection to a higher power
that...
I just...
And Howard said, you know,
it's your responsibility to give to other people,
that we have to give it to other people,
and that we need to do that as much as we can.
And I don't know that I do it as much as he does.
I want to be more like Howard
and give it back more than...
as much as he does.
But I have not yet done that.
But anyway, thanks for the question.
One more question.
Hi.
Thanks.
What's kind of like in the big book,
but it's also...
Being conscious of a pervasive presence
of a creative intelligence
underlying the totality of all things
is the answer to all my problems.
My only problem ever is not having my way.
You know, so that's kind of sort of how that works.
Anyway, thanks for everything.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you.
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Sober Sunrise