Step 9 Terrified Me But That’s Where the Miracles Finally Started – Allie R.

We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on a bluechipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. So, Allie R. is a member of the Gainesville Classic Group and I see her frequently in the meetings in Gainesville. She spoke recently for us at the Fresh Air Group at the Hawk Club as well. So, she participates in the program and she's got a lot to share. I'll tell you, it's one vivid story. Get ready. Put your seatbelts on. Welcome, Allie. My name is Allison and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really glad to be here. And I want to thank my mom for coming. My mom hasn't been here since 1988 when she saw me pick up a one-year chip in 1988. And my daughter and her friends are here. My youngest daughter. So, thanks for coming. Thank you, Allie. My very first meeting was in this clubhouse. I'd gotten out of prison. 1985. And my very first AA meeting. And it was a Saturday morning at 1130. And if y'all come on Saturday mornings, I guess it's still crowded. It was packed. And I remember I was 23. I remember thinking, oh, my God, there were so many alcoholics in Atlanta. I had no idea how many of us there really were. But I'm supposed to share with you. I've been a member. I'll call it synonymous since then because the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And I'm grateful for that because I'm coming up on two years sober again. So, it's a miracle. I did not understand the progression of this disease. So, I had to go out and I somehow survived it. But I was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. And my mom. And my dad. They never grew up and settled down anywhere. So, we immediately up and left. And we lived all over the United States. People ask if my dad was in the military. And I like to tell them we were running from the law. But that's not really true. They just were gypsies. And so, we went to New Mexico and Idaho and Washington State. And Cayman Islands. We were in the Cayman Islands. When I was a little girl. Fourth, fifth, and sixth grade. And that was. Nobody even heard of it at that time. But I loved it. It was magical. And we came back to the States. And I graduated high school in Washington State. And so, when it was out there that I had my first drink. I was 14. And I went to a party that everybody was invited to. I think there were. I think there were 60 or 70 kids there. And somebody had called the cops on it. Imagine. And the police showed up. And I think every kid there was rounded up and arrested but me and one other person. And I was hiding in the closet. And I remember it made the papers the next day or next day or two. And, you know, my parents were reading the headlines of them. I was like, it's just. It's terrible. You know. I heard. And, you know. But that. I didn't. I didn't get in trouble every single time I drank as a young person. But every single time I did get in trouble, I had been drinking. That was initially. So I can tell you that it was magical. For the first time I felt like I belonged. And I do remember that every single. Weekend after that. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait. And somehow even then intuitively I knew. That alcohol meant something to me that it didn't mean. That it didn't mean to my friends. And I don't think I drank any differently than they did at the time. I just. I knew. I just knew. And I remember at the age of 16. Telling a friend of mine. I think I'm an alcoholic. And. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. And so. And then. I don't know that I drank alcohol. I don't even know if I knew what an alcoholic was. I'm telling you. It was just something I already knew. Um. Because of the way I felt about it. And the way I. Um. The way I longed for it and dreamed about it. And couldn't wait. And none of my other friends. It seemed that we all went to the same parties but it was something different for me. Um. When I was 18. I lived in Washington D.C. I didn't have a mom. State in 1980 and one of the first terrible accidents I was in and it was a week after Mount St. Helens blue and that was the month that I graduated and so we were locked down in our homes because of the volcano ash for almost a week so of course the first day we were allowed out my friends and I went down to on to Spokane Washington and my boyfriend was having an eruption party and so we when we were heading back and we hit another car head-on now I was a passenger in the car and I shattered the windshield with my face and I can remember being in the hospital and then scraping the glass out of my eye that accident wasn't our fault it was this poor kid that was going the wrong way and he was delivering pizzas and he wasn't drinking but we sure were and and I can remember other times getting in trouble but somehow always able to turn my way out of it and be able to explain and be able to I never really was interested in controlling my drinking but I tried real hard to control the consequences and so that was that was what I tried to manipulated and and I could for a while so when I graduated high school I wanted to move to Florida because really because the drinking age I was eighteen think I told my parents it was just a new adventure and family down there and so so I did I went down there and and I I loved it. It was Miami in the 80s. And it was one big party. And I worked hard. I played hard. I met, I worked at the Doral Country Club. I got a job there. And I was there for about a year, a half, maybe two years. And I had gotten involved with the head chef, a young man. And I tell people, but it's true. I think we met on a Tuesday night. And we moved in together on Wednesday. We had like a good alcoholic relationship. But he introduced me to some other things that really just enhanced my drinking. And so I really thought I had died and gone to heaven. And so that's what we did. We worked. We played hard. We partied. And I thought that's what you did. I was 20, 21. And when I was 22, we decided we were going to get married. And we had, and it's interesting, when I told Tim that I could speak here, for whatever reason, I couldn't do it until September. And I did not. And I did not put that together, that what a profound month September was for me. That was completely by accident, although I don't really believe in accidents anymore. But it was September 23rd, 1984. And so George and I had decided, his name was George, we had decided we were going to get married December 23rd. So about 90 days before, we decided to go down to the Keys. And it was a Sunday afternoon. And we were going to get married. And it was blue skies and white clouds. And I remember driving down there thinking, what a perfect day. The weather was beautiful. And we went, we got to the Tiki bar and we were ordering daiquiris. And it was a fun afternoon. When we decided to leave, we were going to go and get something to eat. I was driving. I had borrowed my aunt's car. And, because mine was in the shop. And so when we left, I remember, I remember he was teasing me and chasing me around the car. And I remember shrieking and laughing. And that's really the last thing that I remember. The next thing I remember, I came to the hospital. And I immediately remember, I was in the hospital. And I was in the hospital. And I was in the hospital. And I remember being terrified that, oh my God, George and I are in so much trouble. This is not good. This couldn't be good. And the nurse came in and I said, you know, I got to talk to George. And she said, well, we took him to another hospital. And I was thinking, I got to get a hold of him. And we got to get our stories straight. And so they kept kind of putting me off and putting me off. And it was, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. How long? Hours maybe? I remember my aunt, whose car I had. I remember her coming in and sitting on the edge of the bed. And she told me that George was dead and that he had been killed in the accident. And I remember hearing this, uh, this banshee scream. This guttural scream. And I remember thinking, that that person sounded like they were dying I mean I remember this kind of thinking about hearing that person and it was as if a nuclear bomb had gone off I couldn't breathe and the screaming went on and on and on and I could hear her screaming and screaming and it was as if in slow motion a nurse came around the corner with a needle in her hand and I guess to sedate me but I don't remember a lot over the next few months I remember I remember trying to call him I remember wanting to die I remember thinking how come he got to die I was terrified I was terrified because I I was terrified because I I was terrified because I I was I was a kid I was 22 I had never been in trouble I don't even think I'd ever had a ticket and I was in big trouble now and there was no charming or talking my way out of this and and really there was a part of me I didn't want to I wanted the death penalty the if feelings could kill you you I would be dead I can tell you that the uh the horror the uh self-loathing the self-hatred the um it consumed me and I do remember and I believe this is where God first started showing I think he was showing up all the time but the first time I'm aware that God was showing up is I do remember I had planned on how I was going to kill myself and I remember thinking I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going to kill myself and I was going I wanted to find him on the other side and tell him how sorry I was. And he was 24. He was very young. And I had the thought that if I did that, that it would devastate my parents. And I don't think I'd ever thought of anybody but myself until that moment, ever. And that wasn't even a thought of me. I had never thought about anybody. And so it shocked me. And it occurred to me that, wow, I can't hurt somebody else the way I'm hurting inside. George's mother did not want me prosecuted, and that saved my butt. I went in front of the judge and was sentenced to 10 years to serve a minimum of two years. And I lost my driver's license for life. So they took me then. That's the first time ever. My father. Never, ever cried. Ever saw my father was when he spoke to the judge and pleaded with him. But they took me to prison. And part of me was relieved, and part of me was scared. Because there's some big, bad people in the prison. And so here I am, never been in trouble. And I'll never forget. I will never forget going. And it was maximum security where they first took me. And there were some scary people there. And so, and I was really just a little girl. I still am, I think. But just trying to grow up. The miracle of that experience was that after a very short period of time, I ran into the judge that sentenced me. I got to get out. I was going to speak at a sad rally. And the judge that sentenced me saw that. And he actually let me out after only six months. I had to do 20 hours a week community service for two years. And I couldn't drive. So my father helped get me a situation. And I went and I helped. And so I do remember thinking, I'm never going to drink again. I will never, I will never drink again. And I meant it. And that first weekend I got out, I drank. And I believed with all my heart that I couldn't hurt anybody anymore. Because I couldn't drive. So I would never hurt anybody. So it would be okay. And really, when I look back on that time, I, it may have saved me. Because I truly could not tolerate myself. And I did get some help. I do remember coming into a meeting here at NABA. And I kind of went in and out. I wasn't sure. I tell you what, though. I love. I loved y'all immediately. I knew you were my people immediately. But I was convinced that I was different. That you just didn't know what I had done. And so I was different than you. And I didn't deserve to be here. And so I came in and out. And I remember my first sponsor was sitting in there. And I came dragging in. And it was September 27th. About three years after. The accident in 1987. And I came walking in again. And I said to her, I said, well, you know, I drank again. And she said, well, the only requirement for membership is the desire not to drink. It's okay. And that was very freeing for me. And she was my first sponsor. And we worked hard. And I didn't take another drink for many, many years. I. Worked with others. I was very involved. I got married. I had two beautiful children. And when I think about what. Because, of course, I've thought about this a lot. Talked about it. But what took me out after 17 years of not drinking. People say, oh, you must have stopped going to meetings. I said, no. I was going to meetings. You must not have been involved. I was secretary of my group. And, you know, I was involved. I. I would say that it started long before the drink. I had ended my marriage. And if I look at that, sometimes I wonder if I was restless, irritable, and discontent. And that was around year 14. I was involved with AA. And this was up in Woodstock. I was involved at the Howe Place. And I went back to school because I had to get a degree to be able to take care of these two little girls that I had. And I got accepted into the nursing program. And was very involved in that. Involved in my group. And about a year after my divorce, I got involved with a crazy man. And, oh, I loved him. And I. When they talk about finance and romance can take you out. Oh, my goodness. It was. It was insane. It was insanity. And it wasn't in the beginning. And I don't blame him, of course. But this is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. So, over time, I think about two years. The chaos and the on and off. And over time, he was becoming my higher power. And what he thought and what he needed and what he wanted was becoming more and more important. Now, that was insidious. And I was talking about it with my sponsor. And talking about it. And talking about my struggle. I really didn't think about drinking. And I do want to say about that. When I look back. About. When I got sober at that time. I remember hearing people with a lot of time talking about fleeting thoughts of drinking. I felt so sorry for y'all. I thought, well, that's terrible, you know. And, or I remember, I was telling my husband this. I remember people talking about drinking mouthwash. And drinking aftershave. I was so embarrassed for you. And I would think to myself. Oh, I wish they wouldn't talk about that. You know, because that makes the rest of us alcoholics look bad. That was a yes for me. But I really did. I remember thinking that. And I remember sitting in this very room. Listening to somebody struggle. And thinking. They can't get sober. They won't get sober. I remember thinking that. And all of that has come back to bite me. I'll tell you that. So, I remember struggling in the chaos of this toxic relationship. That went on and on and off and on and off and on. For almost four years. And one day. And he'd been trying to get me a drink. And one day I did. I picked up a drink. And the lie I told myself and believed. You know. If it doesn't work. If it doesn't work out. I can step right back on the path. I know what to do. And I believed that. So, when I first picked up. I braced myself. Because y'all had told me. Well, it's progressive. And it's just as bad. And we're like. Oh, you know. It's going to pick up right where it left off. So, I braced myself. For the grip of the alcoholism. And nothing. I got silly. And my body wasn't screaming for more. And the next day. We were in Florida. And finally taught me into having one. And I thought, okay. And then a couple days later. I remember. I was like, oh, yeah. I'm drinking again. But it's insidious. And it's coming. And if it had been ugly. Right from the get-go. Maybe the story would have been different. But it wasn't. And there were. Really. No consequences. And it was kind of fun. And I carried on. And I remember thinking. Well, when it's not fun anymore. If it's not fun anymore. I'll stop. There's that delusion. Illusion. That I can control it. And I remember thinking. When I was young. And early on. I'd hear people talking about drinking by themselves. Pulling the shades down. And I'd think. Well, I quit drinking too. If I drink like that. That's not fun. Because when I was young. It was a party. It was always a party. So. When I picked up. It was for a little while. And I would say. Within. I'm not sure. Six months to a year. It had me by the throat. It had me. And the consequences still weren't real bad. But I was having them. And I almost immediately started coming back. And I was in and out. And in and out. And in and out. I don't think I ever really left y'all. But the shame got bigger. The consequences were getting bigger. The obsession was becoming. So. It was consuming. And. When I tell you that it's a cunning. Baffling. Powerful. It's not. Insidious disease. And it is progressive. It's progressive. Physically. It's progressive emotionally. It is progressive spiritually. Because I can remember at 17 years. Absolutely living and believing. That everything that happened in this world. Was in perfection. Because of the power of God. By the time I was coming in and out of this room. The arrests were starting. The DUIs. In and out. I couldn't stop. I had an ankle bracelet. I couldn't stop. I was in and out of jail. I couldn't get a job. I had graduated school. I was a nurse. But I couldn't work. I couldn't work. The obsession to drink. And for me. Insanity. Is. Not expecting it to be different. But to know it's going to be. So bad. It's going to be. Horrible. But I'd do it anyway. And people were like. You're going to die. I was like. I hope so. I can't keep doing this. And my family kept. I'd go in and out of the ERs. In and out of the emergency rooms. In and out of jail. This time is different. This time is different. I finally was able. And I think of that. Okay. I will tell you. That somewhere along the way. I lost hope. I lost. Any. Belief that there could possibly be a God. Because I would cry out. Please. I'm begging. I'd be on my knees. I would beg. I would go to meetings. But I was so obsessed. I was so obsessed. I would be crying. People were like. At the meetings. I would leave a meeting. And be crying. And drive into the liquor store. It was. No sense calling you. And telling you. I was going. I was. I had to. I couldn't breathe. The obsession. And I. When I think about. How progressive. This illness is. Is. I think about. How when I was young. And there were still some fun times. I didn't think about the drinking. Once I put it down. Here drinking was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. And it's all I could think about. I thought I'd have my chance. I thought I had had an opportunity. And I blew it. And I was going to die so. Die drinking. And I told my family. I told. I had these beautiful little girls. And. I can tell you as a mother. I would have laid down my life. For my children. I take a bullet. I jump in front of a moving train. Without hesitation. But you know. They never once asked me to do that. But they kept asking me not to drink. And I couldn't. And I remember thinking. I can't. I can't live. For them. But I'm dying. I'm dying. And. I couldn't stop. I remember. Going into treatment a couple times. Maybe a lot of times. I don't even know. And I remember telling a woman. I don't believe anymore. That there's a power greater than me. That. Can restore me. To any kind of thing. Now there were powers greater than me. Lots of judges. And. Ankle monitors. And jail. And lots of powers. Alcohol was a power greater than me. I didn't believe anymore. That there was one that could restore me. To any kind of sanity. And. I remember thinking. I'm not even going to AA anymore. I couldn't stay away from y'all. And I don't even know why. Because you're my people. That's why. And. I would sit in the back. Of the room. And I stopped picking up white chips. And I thought. I just kept showing up. I don't even know why. I told my family. I'm not even going to go back anymore. And I'm probably going to end up. Dying drunk. But. One night. At a meeting. A girl said she would. Work with me. I'm going to tell you. She was. She got sober when she was 20. And she was maybe. 32 or 33. So I'm thinking. There's my problem. I was thinking. What does she know? She doesn't have any life experience. And I'm going to tell you. She's the toughest sponsor. I have ever had. And. I worked the steps with her. She made me call her every day. There was none of this texting. I had to call her. And we did. We worked real hard. I had a sponsor. I was still struggling. I was white. I was struggling. And I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe. That there was a power greater than me. And all she said to me was. Do you think you can do the next right thing? And I said. I don't know. I don't know. I think. I cannot do the next wrong thing. That I know. I know what the next wrong thing is. I don't know what the next right thing is. She said. Call me if you're not sure. And there are days. Even now. I don't know. What the next wrong thing is. What the next right thing is. But I'm always clear what the next wrong thing is. And sometimes that's the best I can do. I just don't do that. But she worked. We worked hard. We worked hard. And. And then. I got into another toxic situation. And. It. It took me. It took me a while from therapy. To figure out that. My picker was broken. And when I was feeling chaotic. And not necessarily wanting to drink. I knew what to do if I was thinking about drinking. I think that's fine. I told somebody I'm thinking about drinking. But that was not what this chaos was about. And. I. I. I ended up. Almost two years ago. One weekend. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to sleep. And. And I went. And I drank. And at this point. There were miracles happening in my life. I had been told that I was never going to work as a nurse. I think the nursing board said something about. You're a disgrace. I don't know what it was. They were right. But I. They. I. I. That you won't work as a nurse. And. That you. I would. Never amount to anything. I would never. It was. And I decided that I was going to fight that. And I did. And I just kept doing the next right thing. And the next right thing. And the next right thing. Steps four and five were not scary for me. Step. Step nine did. It scared me. But that's when the miracles started happening for me. And. But what I did after I drank. Again. I tell you. I was working at Northeast Georgia as a nurse. And. And there were. About twenty five nurses. That I had been working with for about two years. And. They. Knew I was drinking. And. They drew straws. Not one of them is an alcoholic. And. They came. Three of them came. And. Came to the house. And I can tell you that there were times that I did drink mouthwash. And if there had been aftershave. And there had been alcohol. And if there had been alcohol in it. I would have drank it. And I became that. That person that disgusted me. When I was a young person. Embarrassed me. I became her. I don't know when I thought that was a good idea. At what point that became a good idea. What line I crossed. When drinking mouthwash was a good idea. I think it was a Sunday. I used to not be able to buy alcohol on a Sunday. But you can. It's called Listerine. And. And. But that. You know. When you are hurting. And struggling. It was horrible. Horrible. Horrible way to live. And I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. And I was never ever afraid of dying. I was terrified I was going to keep living. And doing that. But these nurses. They came and got me. And I said. You ain't gonna die on our watch baby. And they couldn't get me to go to the ER. So. They called. They called one of the techs. And. We said. We know Bea. Bea will get her. So Bea comes. And I don't really. I am in a blackout. And I have been drunk for a couple of days. Laying in my pee. And that's just what. blinds closed it was ugly so b comes she says girl get that white ass out of that bed because empire comes on at nine o'clock i need you to go to the hospital so come on let's go and so um anyway uh let's go it's my favorite show let's go so i guess i did and she said i was telling her i just hate you she's like no you don't so um and i don't know i don't know what happened um but those people literally lifted me up and the desire to drink was lifted now i don't for a second think it can't come back um i have fleeting thoughts today um i found out that's normal um and my sponsor told me my biggest regret is my children and she told me there will be opportunities if you don't drink and i said i don't believe that she said you just need to believe that i believe that so i can do that and and that's what happened my children when they call now i can answer the phone um and she said that's what happened my children when they call now i can answer the phone um and she said that's what happened my children when they call now i can answer the phone um and she said that's what happened my children when they call now i can answer the phone um and she said that's what happened my children when they call now i can answer the phone um and she said that's what happened my children when they call now i can answer the phone um and she said that's what happened my children She said there will be, the universe will bring an opportunity every time to have a redo. And I didn't believe her. But I just, I had to, I had to believe, I had to try to believe her. And I can tell you that although I didn't believe, I started to see unbelievable miracles happening. And I couldn't question that there was something going on. I can tell you that when I got rigorously honest, that is, that is a power greater than me. Just being rigorously honest. And I can tell you that hope, because I've been hopeless, hope in and of itself is a power greater than me. Being willing. I thought willingness was a feeling. I thought, well, if I felt willing, my sponsor's like, no, you will be willing. It's action. I thought, I used to hear people say, well, you know, grateful alcoholics don't drink. And I was like, well, I can. I feel really grateful today, and I want to drink. And she said, no, you have to be grateful. It's an action word. Those are action. And that's what saved my life. The next right thing. Sometimes not doing the next wrong thing. A couple of years ago, I was five days sober. I was driving down a little highway in North Georgia. And I went to see my mom and dad. And there was a car halfway sticking out on the highway, Highway 115, to a highway 1030 in the morning. And the flashers were on. And so I was about six. The car's back. And I had to wait my turn to go around. And when I did, I looked in the rearview mirror. And there was a woman flailing. And the man in the driver's seat was just sitting there. But I don't know why. But I threw the car in the park, and I ran down the highway. And I yanked open the door. And his eyes were wide open and fixed and staring. And he wasn't breathing, and there was no pulse. And I don't know how. I got him out. I got out of the truck and dropped him in the middle of the highway. And she was screaming and crying and sobbing and no respirations. And she had called 911. And I hit my knees. And I prayed. And I began CPR on this man. And I was screaming his name. And she was sobbing. And sobbing. And it seemed. It seemed like forever. I remember the police getting there. And I was so hyper-focused. He dropped down and said, do you need a break? And I was like, no! You know, I was like, only time I ever got to yell at the police. No, I don't! Anyway, but my adrenaline. And it seemed like the ambulance finally got there. And as they were pulling up, this man took a breath. And I prayed that he would live long enough. To say goodbye to his little grandson that was standing on the side of the road. That I did not know was in the car. He was five years old. And he was standing there crying. And I didn't know. It's very hard to come back from that. But that was my prayer. And I was shaken from the adrenaline. And I begged her to call me and let me know what happened. And I didn't hear from her. And I called around. They had taken him to Dahlonega. And I thought, just long enough that your grandson didn't see you die. In the road. Just come on. Hang on, Michael. Hang on. And long story short. They eventually took him to Northeast Georgia that Monday. What are the chances that a Northeast Georgia nurse was driving by on a Saturday morning. In North Georgia. He was 55 years old. He'd had a massive heart attack. And I got to go meet him that following Wednesday. My first thought when I got. In the car. I couldn't have done that if I hadn't been sober. I went to see him. And we hugged. And we cried. And he lived. We are friends on Facebook. His wife and I. She just sent me a text saying happy two year anniversary. They got two more years together. She sends me every time they have a new grandbaby. I didn't do anything. But I got to witness a miracle. That is a. Power. Greater than me. And I got to be a part of it because I wasn't drinking. I get to be in my children's lives today because I'm not drinking. My youngest daughter is here and wasn't that long ago. She wouldn't speak to me or have anything to do with me. That's a miracle. I am blessed. I am grateful. And I am sober. And I appreciate you all. Let me. Let me share my heart with you tonight.