Step 9 and the Promise of a New Freedom – Bob W.

I just have to believe that Sumpth, Texas, and I've never heard him talk or don't believe, but he's the kind of fellow that when you see him, you just like him and you love him like you do everybody else. Bob W. Hi, everybody. My name is Bob White and I'm an alcoholic And by God's grace and because this program works for me I haven't had a drink since August 12, 1954 Marge and Henry, I really enjoyed your talks Just wonderful You know, I told Hazel last night that it was I was grateful to really hear what I think are AA talks And I can't help but, you know When I go to AA meetings and hear a lot of people talk Not in the form of criticism at all But I kind of label AA speakers We have AA speakers And we have preachers and philosophers And liars And I'll tell you I've heard some AA talks since I've been here And it's It's very gratifying To hear what you expect To hear when you get someplace So let me say It's just been wonderful being here, and Marceline and I are so grateful that you asked us to be a part of your program, and we do appreciate your invitation. Back to that AA talking again, I'm just going to talk a little bit. These talks that I heard do remind me of a story, one story, about a colored minister that was all fired up one Sunday morning and was really going to preach quite a sermon. And two of his lady parishioners were seated right in front of him and one I've been telling the other one what a great pastor he was and this particular Sunday he got ready to preach and he says, well, now brothers and sisters, he said, I'm going to tell you all one thing today. He says, I am going to teach about them dishonest people So the girl says, that'll be preaching. That's preaching. He says, I'm going to talk about them rich folks that live up on that hill and don't share their money with us folks that live down here. She says, That's going to be preaching, that's preaching He says I'm gonna talk about them people that gossip about others all the time She says that's preachin', that's preachin' He says I'm gon' talk about those fornicators and adulterers She says he done quit preachin' and started meddlin' now Well, anyway, I have really heard a lot of wonderful AA talks. As I told you, I've been in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous about a little over 12 years, and it seems that each particular day and each year that I'm in AA, somehow, and sometimes I have to look back in order to see this. I don't recognize this as it happens to me all the time today. but I do know that in retrospect that each day that I stay sober and alcoholic is anonymous in review of my life I can see that I have you people to thank for nothing but good things on a daily basis that happen to me and I shall be forever grateful I hope that I am forever grateful and I hope that I remember the slogan that was adopted in the Canadian conference this year about being responsible for my sobriety and I hope that I always will be able to remember that I am responsible for other people who have yet to find their way here. I'd like to tell you that maybe just real briefly about a little bit about my early drinking. At no time have I ever found it particularly important for you and I to ever discuss with each other about the exact reasons why we drink. We have steps that on a personal basis in our inventory steps, we find out who and what we are and some of the things that led up to our drinking. But it's not so particularly important did I tell you about why I think I drink, but I'd like to tell you because it's been mentioned once or twice and maybe go into a little more detail. And this particular thing has been of interest to me for the last six or eight months. But I drank, I know, originally because it brought a lot of comfort in my life. I heard the good doctor say last night he described it is because he liked it. And I don't know that I lacked each time that I drank. I certainly know that the last 18 months that I drank, I had to drink in order to live. This was a necessity in my life, but I literally despised and hated every drop of liquor that I took. And then later despised the people that I bought it from because drinking had taken such a terrible toll in my life and in my family's and I was so desperately ashamed of what I'd become and what I did not want to be and it was only at the last that I realized what it was that caused my problem and after I knew that drinking was daily killing me I grew to despise the thing that I did and I might tell you that you know it's a strange thing if you drink over into one of the latter stages of alcoholism and I really don't know how many stages they are I do know that there's a difference in the way people drink possibly when they first become alcoholic and this just at the end but the self-same thing this is one of the paradox of this particular illness the self same thing that is killing us on a daily basis at the last I had to use it in order to sustain my own life I do not believe that I could have lived unless I drank the last year that I did drink. But originally when I started first drinking, 20 some odd years prior to my last drink, I drank because it brought a lot of comfort in my life and I would find situations that increased from time to time that I thought I needed to drink because I found discomfort in what I was doing. A drink brought comfort. It brought some ease in my life, a little peace of mind concerning whatever problem was presented in my life at the time. And I'll quickly tell you about the first time I drank and what I found discomfort in and what a drink did to ease it. But I had my first date and my first drink the same night, and I was 16 years old. This girl that I had a date with was a lot older than I. I think she's 22 or 23 years old, and I'd never seen her in my life, and I didn't know the other people. And I found myself in a situation that was embarrassing to me because I first knew I shouldn't be there. So, oh yes, I'll tell you about one other thing. I had $5, and this grown man that I was double-dating with didn't have any money, and he had gotten me a date with his girlfriend's older friend, and she weighed about 180 pounds. and we squeezed up in a little tiny car. I don't guess we had been riding around five minutes until I said, let's go get something to drink and I knew they were talking about sody pop because I was fairly familiar with that type of thing. And then I quickly found out that they didn't mean sody pot. But to shorten this story up, when we got to the drugstore, it's where you bought liquor then, and you know, till this minute you were reminded about something. Have you ever heard a doctor prescribing slow gin? You know, I never heard of that before, but we got a prescription and I just thought about it. We bought two pints of slow gin. I always remembered that my first drink was slow gin, but I never realized that our prescription called for slow gin You know if a doctor prescribed alcohol, he would prescribe bourbon, but I've never heard anybody prescribe slow gin But we got two pats of slow gen And it was $2 a pint and I had invested 80 cents in gasoline and then I got to buy the four sody pops. And just a few minutes prior to the time I took my first drink, I found myself in the same financial situation as I was 22 years later when I took mine. But anyway, now this is a discomfort an acute discomfort that was brought on me and if I were to tell as an example Well, my mother, who is also a Baptist, said she'd say, well, there was no need for you to feel that way. That's like a lot of other things. You know, it doesn't make any difference whether there's a need for it or not as long as it exists. And one of this guys took the lid off of this pan of slow gin and he says, here, Bob, you drink first. Well, this was, I found out later, the usual procedure. You know somebody sprung for the drinks, you know. And I says, oh, no, you drank first. I was extremely uncomfortable right then I was 16 years old and the main thing I wanted those three people to think is that I'd been drinking for 12 or 13 years and I wanted to do it just right well you know and when they first said let's get a drink and I realized that it wasn't a Coke down at the little Limit sandwich shop that you know where kids went then i was i was so uncomfortable and i wanted to be accepted in a situation that was out of control as far as i had an ability to control it unless i went along with it now i found out later as a result of being in that a but i might add i was nearly 38 years old and still practicing this same kind of thinking, you know, about finding myself in situations that I couldn't control and govern and become uncomfortable. It was only as a result of being in this program that I found out that I had the means within myself to say no thank you. Later on, I would find myself in situations and become uncomfortable. And it didn't take me too long to know that a few drinks brought some ease in my life as far as most any given situation was concerned. After I was married and the great light dawned that I wasn't a good daddy and a good husband and a Good Provider as many other young men were, if bills piled up, this brought a lot of discomfort to me. And I found out that if I took a few drinks, and as time went by more and more drinks, It did bring some peace and comfort in my life. What it did was help me escape from reality of the moment. And I became a skilled practitioner as the years went by in jumping right out of this thing we call reality. And finally, originally it took a big thing in my Life before I needed to escape from it. But as time went by, it took less and less of a situation And then, of course, all of you know what happened. The way I drank, I became a daily drinker, and then I became a daily drunker and started drinking at the lunch hour. And then a few years went by, and I became a daily dranker that started drinking just as quick as he could get his eyes open, and then a little bit later, I felt for the bottle. The last year and a half that I drank I know that, for me, I experienced all the hell that I think I shall ever experience in my life. The mental turmoil, anguish, and misery that I went through on a daily basis is beyond conception. And I find it frankly hard to look back and remember it exactly as it is. You know, in our AA meetings a lot of times we hear people that have got 10 and 15 years of sobriety talk so much. And I do know that there is a lot OF wonderful wisdom that comes out of longevity and sobrietry. And I personally am a great believer in one reason why that I'm having less trouble today drinking than I did the first 30 days after I got sober is that I've got a long backlog behind me of sober days and some AA tools of the trade that you people have given me and makes it easier not to drink. But I like to hear people who haven't had a lot of sobriety make AA talks, and I'm firmly convinced in my own mind that maybe some of the best 12-step work that's ever done is by people who do not have a lotof sobriete because it's more vivid in their memory exactly how things were with them when they took these last drinks. And you know one of the nicest things that can happen to me is to go on a club step call with somebody relatively new in AA and I am certainly enthused at the opportunity of talking to someone about our wonderful fellowship and an opportunity of staying sober like you've taught me to do. But I get caught up and carried away in listening to new people in AA talk to those who've never been here before, and I think it's a wonderful thing. I'm having a hard time staying on course today. I'm wandering all over the field. When I was in high school, I only drank at special occasions and as particular occasions permitted. I frankly didn't have the money to go buy liquor except on important occasions, and I would try to make some money and get ready for a date or a dance in high school and I didn't do much more or certainly not any less though of drinking and most of the boys who did drink although there were very few drank when I was in high schools it wasn't like I've heard it was in my school not too many boys drank but the ones who did drank myself and two or three others were the ones who inevitably found ourselves intoxicated and this is a good time for me to tell you possibly what my definition of an alcoholic is. I think that an alcoholic is just a person who, once they've started drinking, can't guarantee their behavior. And I know I've read so many and I've heard so many definitions of alcoholic, but this particular one suits me better than any that I've ever heard. Because once I started drinking and if the liquor held out or if the means to get it was available, I inevitably wound up with too much to drink. And there were many, many boys, even back in high school, who somehow or another were able to say, boy, I've had all of this stuff I want, you know. Or if I'd say, well, I'm going to have to go to the store and say, I don't know, I haven't got a dollar. Why don't you all put some more money in? Let's go get some more homebrew or some more whatever it was we were drinking. You know, they'd make decisions that had some justification to them. They'd say, no, I can't do that. I've got a date tomorrow and I've gotta save my money. Well, that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, you know, to save money for tomorrow if an opportunity to drink happened today. In other words, once I started, as long as it held out, I was a sure loser. I was just a barren loser as far as this drinking was concerned. And it took me the longest of times before I finally hit my own bottom. I feel so grateful that my drinking happened to me just exactly like it did because I'm afraid if it didn't I wouldn't be here today and one of the things that I can look back on in awe and wonderment is the fact that I was allowed to find a A because I've said this many times before I think one of those things one of most hateful aspects of the illness of alcoholism is the act that none of us are ever allowed to know which drink it is we take that will start us on the last drunk that we'll ever be on. In other words, to the point of no return where there is no recovery. And why in God's name that I didn't take that particular drink, I don't know except by His grace. And I'm so grateful today that I was allowed to find this program. Marceline and I were married and our three wonderful children started coming along. and I just could not seem to grasp the idea of responsibility. Now, I love being married and I love my children. I'd like to be a husband and I'd Like to Be a Daddy but I couldn't grasp and hold to the responsibility that's necessary to be A Good Daddy or A Good Husband and when World War II came along I found an opportunity to still be a daddy and still be A Husband but not have all this responsibility and just as soon as they bombed Pearl Harbor I started trying to figure out a way to get an army and it didn't take me very many weeks to do this either so there was about a four year period in my life that I did evade this responsibility and somewhat of a load really was lifted it lifted quite a load for me after the war was over I came home and Marceline and I started right then starting to build what could have been a home. And from the very beginning, and I might add that all the good things started to happen in me, I got in business and had a wonderful business and it grew and prospered for a few years and got bigger and bigger and big. And I'm not for sure but what possibly I felt that I was inferior to the position that I'd found myself in. But I do know this for shirt. With nearly each day that came along, I started to finding myself more uncomfortable with the facts that surrounded me in my life. Business decisions and judgments that I had to make started to bring this discomfort on, and I found if I'd take a few drinks, I could be comfortable about that particular thing, at least for a while. And in our home life, when decisions had to be made and if Marceline or if Marcelina and I started having some trouble and this brought discomfort in my life, I found that if I would take a few drinks again, it would bring an ease to this thing. And it kept getting worse and worse and worst. And I'm certainly going to shorten this up this afternoon. You know, if I don't shorten it up, they'll have to be moving all these seats to set up the banquet table here in just a few minutes and Jack Odom won't get his turn. Where is Mr. Odom? I'll shorten this up just a whole lot and tell you that these things that in a few short years that most people would require maybe two or three lifetimes to acquire started slipping through my fingers And I want to tell you that the discomfort that I had experienced in getting them was nothing to the discomforts that started popping up about them sliding out. Well, this really required more drinks and more drinks. My family started having meetings about me, and my friends started having meets, and Marceline started meeting with most folks that would meet with her. Someone mentioned Horace Ford today. and Lord knows what a wonderful, fine gentleman he was and what a wonderfull aspect to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know Horace hadn't been in AA very long before he came to Midland one time and this was immediately after World War II and I'd forgotten all about this and so had Marceline until we had become such good friends with Horace and she, you know, did one of those things that I just couldn't stand. She slipped off down to this meeting that they had at the high school and took her mother to hear this man talk about alcoholism and she got him off in the corner around behind the stage and told him about this friend of hers whose husband, you know and the deplorable state of things about it And he said, yes, honey. And do you know that that wonderful man remembered that years later after we came into AA? And I'd forgotten about that until I heard someone mention Horace at this meeting. But bless his heart, he had an answer then, but we didn't have listening ears or an open heart to hear with. Anyway, these things started to slip away. And I guess one of the things that brought me more pain and more discomfort in my life than any other thing from an outside influence, other than the things I brought on myself, were when the people who love me the most would start crying and begging or complaining and asking questions about my behavior. And, you know, now the ones of you who are here today understand exactly what it is that I say. When I tell you that I was so desperately ashamed of what I had become, and I hated so badly to have disappointed these people that I couldn't stand to face them. It wasn't that I Was afraid to face the music. It wasn' t that at all. I have experienced many things in my life that were harder to do than just facing the music but it was this look in the eyes of these people that just kill me and if there was one thing that you could buy with assurance it would be a ticket on whether I got drunk immediately upon getting out of their sight all they had to do is call one of these special sessions they won't get me on a real drunk because I couldn't stand myself after looking at these people that loved me now they didn't know this and the closer to the end they've got the more the meetings they had, and the more meetings they had, the harder I drank. In fact, now, I never have said it in this manner and I don't really mean it like I'm going to say it, but kinda they ran me out of town with that stuff. We packed up and moved baggy and baggies to Denver for Midland. And I just couldn't look at those people anymore. And I didn't find those same bunch of people, Marge, as you found in those honky-tonks. They were the damnedest bunch of bums I ran around with you ever heard of. And not a one of them would give me the time of day after I was broke. Now, I mean to tell you, I just didn't meet some of your folks. Boy, these were lousy people. We packed up and moved up there and there's a lot in between this, but it's repetition of what I've already told you and what you experienced yourself. So you let me tell you I lost it and I lost at all. While we're in Denver, I never have known for sure that I lost this last precious commodity that all men must have to live. Possibly there was just the least, least bit of it left within me. Or maybe it's even possible, and I don't know, and it doesn't really make any difference, that I Lost It, but by the miracle of a wonderful God that I found in that egg, it was replaced. But right at the last, this thing that you just can't live without. left and that's self-respect now for years i had known how lousy that i really was but when the last vestige of self-esteem the last little glimmer when you can't look in retrospect in your life and find one reason for life you know when these things happen this was my bottom i want to tell you the part of the drinking note I don't know that I got any worse for a year and a half because I was at the bottom I don' t know how I could have gotten any worse now not only does Marceline and my children not only they learn something about alcoholism as an illness since we've been in AA these years we've come into AA let me tell you they know something about living with a drunk a person who drinks on a daily basis for month after month after month and doesn't let one day go by unless somehow or another they find the means to drink enough to pass out. And that was the way I lived a good long while before I had my last drink. And I experienced all the inner turmoil and misery and self-hatred that is possible, I think, for a human being to have. And I loathed and despised the conditions that surrounded my life, and I couldn't do anything about it. I had solicited, I used to reject them, mental rejection of prayers in my behalf. And a few times in this particular period of time in my drinking, I solicited the prayers of other people because I didn't have anyone to pray to of my own. And I can say this and I always like to, that at no time during my drinking or in my lifetime as far as I know, was I ever atheist or agnostic, whatever that means. I never did disbelieve in God. I just didn't have one of my own. But I knew that there was a God because I had heard my mother talk to him, and I had hear other people, Marcelline and other people talk to God. And I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they obviously had a God of their own, but my problem was I didn't know God. I didn' t have one. and you know that's like a lot of other things and I've tried once or twice to explain it and the only answer I would get was well, you needn't to have felt that way because he was there but again I say it didn't make any difference what I needed to feel that's the way I felt I didn't have a God of my own this particular period of time is just beyond belief to me today and how the miracle of AA came in my life and how you have made it possible for a recovery to be effected in such a manner that a home has been rehabilitated and love reestablished where there was none. And I know today that my children do respect me and I do believe that I think more of their respect than I do their love because, you know, men can't survive without respect from some people. And what a terrible life it would be to be the father of three children or have a wonderful wife. None of these people respect you for what you are today. And I'm so grateful that our home is as it's been, and my thanks are to you. Marcelline told you people this morning about the time that she couldn't go any farther, and there was a several months period when we were separated and she was trying to call it quits and I was hoping she didn't. This is the wonderful thing that happened to me. It's when AA came in my life and I'd like to tell you about that before I stop. We had been in Denver for three and a half years or so and it mostly was total misery but certainly the last 18 months was total mystery but somehow or another I got on my feet and heard about a rumor off someplace and took a drink one day. You know, and Denver and Jackson, Mississippi are pretty good long ways apart. But I came to a good long while later in Jackson, Missouri. And as Marcelline told you, she had written my people and told them the conditions that surrounded our lives. They found me there and scooped me up and after several days they took me to psychiatrists here in Dallas And after a while, well, she told you their verdict. You know, and she failed to say something this morning. She always says in the talk, The psychiatrist told my people that I was crazy. And then they relayed this message to her. And she says, Well, I've known that for years. You know. But they didn't mention anything particularly about my drinking. And my brother, I have a brother that's a lawyer. And he had, my father had a conference with the doctors. and he says, well, how about this insane drinking that he does? And they said, well due to a whole lot of other things we have to tell you that that isn't his real problem breaking and they said when we've corrected these other things he says then we'll talk to him about his drinking. Now please don't anyone here misunderstand me I have no argument at all about psychiatry because I know it's doing a wonderful thing And I just don't know how far I would have gotten with them. They had told my people that I needed a minimum period of time of 18 months if there would be any hope of recovery. And this is when the good things started happening. Now, during this particular period of times, there were so many folks like me running around that they had a pretty long waiting list in this nuthouse. And my turn didn't come up for four or five weeks to get in. And during this particular period, I was at the farm. It's nearly 350 miles from Midland. There was a man named Henry and one named Fillmore and another named Bob who heard about this Bob and what was happening to him. One of them knew of my drinking background and knew my family. Now, Henry wasn't a particular good friend of mine because he was quite a bit older. But he was an old family friend. And he and Fillmore and Bob made this 700-mile round trip unasked and unsolicited. And you know, all they wanted to do was bring to me this particular message. And they wanted us to share with me these things that we're sharing at this conference. The same, very same things. And they brought me a message of hope. I'd also like to point out to you that so many times we're guilty when I say, I'm guilty, not you. But when I talk to new people in AA to say after 30 minutes or an hour, to say, well now listen, I've got a business appointment or I've Got to Go Home or I'll Got to Do This and I'll See You Tomorrow. Or there's a meeting at the clubhouse tonight at 8 o'clock and if you'd like to come, I'll meet you there. These people came and stayed two days and two nights. The first day that they were there, they did all the talking and as far as I know, and this is unusual for me, I didn't open my mouth because I was so dreadfully ill. Now, I was shaking and sweating and jerking and carrying on something fierce down there and my family was scared to death because they had no experience with this type of thing and I was so dreadfully sick and so terribly ashamed of the situation that had come upon me. These three men came. Now let me jump back a little ways and tell you what happened the first time I took a drink. My mother called me and she asked this question. She says, Bob, why did you do it? Well, I gave her the only truthful answer that I knew. I mean, I was caught and there wasn't any use trying to lie. I said I didn't know, and this was the truth. And as time went by and more things started to happen, my mother, my wife, and other people would say, why do you do those things? And I'd say, I don't know. And it was the true. And it wasn't until they called me a smart aleck for not cooperating with them that I started lying to them about why I drank. And I would make up some fantastic tales later on. But for years I told the truth, and I said, I didn' t know. well when these three men came they were there all that day and it was only until late that evening or up until the night that i had my first glimmer about aa or what these men represented it came to my mind and i'd never opened my mouth as far as i know that not one of the three of them had asked me why i'd done anything you know now here's a man that's not a personal friend, but was a friend of the family who later, who was my sponsor and I loved so much. The other was a total stranger, a man I'd never seen in my life, and I didn't even know his family. And this other character was a guy I knew just a little bit and I knew enough about him to know that I didn' t like him. He was sure enough a smart aleck, see? I didn''t like him at all. And here were these three men. Now, one of them asked me why I did it, And this did make an impression. And then the second evening that they were there is when I heard my magic words of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, these men had become quite skilled as time had gone by for them in learning how and knowing how to talk to a drunk. And I do not know what it was they said, but they wove a web around my heart and about my life, right then and right there. and something that they said prompted or caused me to talk a little bit to them. And whatever it was I said, I do not remember, but I do know that it brought this spontaneous reply from all three of them and each of them seemed to want to be the first to say, I understand. And do you know that until this day in AA, none of you people have ever asked me why I did anything You don't seem to care. It's only by a volunteer gesture on my part that I talk about some of the reasons maybe that I did some drinking, about this comfort thing in my life and that I found comfort in certain situations by drinking. But you never ask me. I have to volunteer. It's not important to you why I drank. It's Only important to You about my sobriety and helping me stay sober one day at a time on a daily basis. This is the important thing that exists between us as members of AA. And this wonderful thing that I heard these three men say, they understood. And God knows I had looked for one person, one lousy person in all these years that could honestly say they understood You know, the people that you would tear the heart out of your body for and God is my witness, I would have been glad to do this to save Susan or Sharon or her mother or the other girl in the family. If I could have just saved them from a hurt this would have Been an easy thing for me to do. But I couldn't do the necessary things of daily living to bring a paycheck home, to keep the food in the larder to keep their rent paid. People say straighten up and be a man. I just couldn't understand it. I didn't know what they were talking about. And I never found one person who understood my inability to function as a normal human being without drinking until I came to that age. And I'm not like some others. I grew up in a home that really there was nothing but love in it. My mother and father loved we three boys, and they'd do anything in the world for us. And I don't know what it was, but they couldn't understand. I've learned since I came to AA that we speak the language of the heart. And we understand each other. And I started finding that understanding right then and there. And you know, it's an amazing thing. I find that same understanding here today with you people. A wonderful friend of mine that's here at this conference and I had a wonderful visit for 30-45 minutes yesterday talking about things of a personal nature. We both visited back and forth. And I know there was nothing but total and complete understanding about the nature of another person's NAAs, mental gymnastics, and attitudes. That's what it is. And I understood what he was talking about, and he understood what I was talking About. And this is another one of the great blessings that's been brought in my life. A home was rehabilitated. And as I have said other times, ours had gone to such a degree that it needed habilitation as well as rehabilitation. It needed some new structure built as well as the shoring up of the old that was left. And the only place we had found to do this was in this program in NIA. Now, I'm going to wind up quite quickly, but I want to tell you that I spent four or five years in Nia and I know today that I stayed sober just as long as it was possible for me to stay sober under the conditions that exist for me as a participant, not particularly a member. I'm not sure about that, but as a participate in AA. Now, I was what I know a lot of people would call a good AA. I attended all the meetings that my group had. There was only one group in Midland at the time, and we had about 25 members. There was about a consistent 50% batting average in sobriety, but the thing that no one was ever sure of, which group would be in the sober 50%. You know, that was the only problem. But somehow or another, I kept batting along. But I stayed dry. I know today, the last day that it was possible for me to stay dry on as catch as catch can. And this group therapy, now please don't misunderstand, I think group therapy is about the greatest, but the time came that it became necessary for me to spend a lot of time outside of Midland and I couldn't get my group to go with me, you know? And I was in a pretty big mess then. and I found out that not only did I need the association that we have with each other but I needed to find out what real AA was and I'm firmly convinced that it's in this book now this book as a book itself is not the answer it's what this book contains and it is what a lot of people got together put their heads together and two or three and one in particular that compile these ideas of sobriety. A way to live out the balance of our life in happy existence. I don't say existence, in happy existance without drinking. And my life had gradually started becoming a little unhappy and a little unhappier and a Little Unhappyer. And let me sum it up by saying it just this way. I think if I have anything important to say to you people this afternoon, this is going to be it. I stayed sober as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous as long as I could stay sober on my own terms. I was trying to attend AA and work AA on my terms. Now, I know that each of us do things differently, but when I say terms, they were terms like I lived by before I came to AA. See, I insisted I live on my own terms before I came to AA and it nearly killed me. I nearly died as a result of not being able to surrender to any principle, any person, any God, man or devil. I could not give in. And I couldn't get into the fact that I could go to AA and attend a meeting or two every once in a while or a meeting of two a week and wash a few coffee cups and make some 12-step calls and I couldn't give in to the idea that this is all it took for sobriety in my life. But I came just that close of sure death before I realized that there was so much more to this program than just that. This is a program of self-analysis that's governed and dictated by a kind and loving God as we understand Him. And I had to find out who and what I was, some of the reasons of my makeup that let me become what I ultimately became and why I could not control my life. Why was I not able to drink on my own? I couldn't drink anymore, I could run my life and I couldn'T run my live sober any better than I was running it without liquor. The only difference was I didn'T stay drunk all the time. And I can thank God and a few AAs today that I found my answer in the 12 steps of this program. I started learning a little bit about AA, and I'm still on a long, long road of this learning. It'll take me the balance of my life, I know, to learn much at all. But I'm daily and gradually finding out the things that are necessary for me to find self-respect, peace of mind, and some harmony of life. These things have become of paramount and utmost importance for my existence. I cannot live unless I continue this particular way. Now, my answer has been found in the pages of this book. And it's a strange thing. Mark talked about church. I am gradually, I'm not a big church man, but I love it. I think it's wonderful and I'm gradually finding my way there. But church is not where I found my answer. and I know this and I've heard him say it I'm sure ten times that there isn't a different answer for all of us AA, church and other agencies there is really only one answer for every one of us we just find it by different methods and that answer is God as you and I individually understand it and this has been my only answer in my salvation well i didn't mean to get swound but i i think i'll go ahead it won't take but about two more minutes they're just liable to be somebody here got themselves the same switch i did and i'm here to tell you that there is just one thing worse than drinking and that's miserable sobriety yeah you know you that's just this one step from a drinking drunk is miserable sobrietty And I was getting to this point of miserable sobriety. Now, I'd heard in this program by some old long-haired chin-whiskered billy goats NAA that don't ever expect one thing from this program but sobrietry because you're going to be disappointed if that's all you expect. But let me tell you today that they are wrong and I'm right. That's all haywire. But I got my answer and I have verification out of it about this book. There, AA offers each and every one of us the world itself on a silver platter with a spoon to eat out of it if we just look for it. And it's all right here. And let me tell you that I am a living witness that it happens, not because of who and what I am, because I have only allowed it to happen to me. I didn't work for it particularly, I only allowed it to happen. And don't you ever believe anybody when they say that AA doesn't promise you anything other than physical sobriety or sobrietry, because this is wrong. Let me quote a minute from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and just won't take a second, on page 83 and one paragraph on page 84, and we'll see what AA, whether it promises things. And I might add, if any of you are interested, I'll tell you some other pages later on where AA makes definite commitments and definite promises. It says, if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we're halfway through. And quickly let me tell you that this phase that they're talking about here is step one through step nine inclusively. And if you and I will do the way AA recommends, not insists, but recommends that we do from step one through step nine inclusively. These are the things that will, not can, but will happen in your life. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We'll comprehend the word serenity and we'll know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Listen to this one. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. I'm still quoting, Are these extravagant promises? We think not they are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but they will always materialize if you work for them. End quote. And this book is filled with the very thing that it takes for a drunk to live a happy sober life if we were just, we don't even have to reach for it. All we have to do is let it happen. And this is what I say when I mean I nearly died after I came in AA because I insisted that I have AA on my terms and not the terms that are in this book but these terms are not imposed on any of us. They're only here as suggestions for us if we want them. so if there is someone who's having trouble with slips who's unhappy in their sobriety let me urge you to try it the AA way and I will commit myself to the promise that your life will change I'll close by I just have to talk and wind up I was trying to decide how to do this I'm going to talk just a minute about the 12th step. I don't think any AA conference ought to go by unless we talk about how to work with and help other people. Our 12th Step says, Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. let me tell you that i have had many spiritual experiences in my life now you can't be raised in a baptist home can you march and go to church and sunday school and not have some spiritual experiences and i've said it before and i'll say it again when uh when i was a little kid and i incidentally whoever heard i heard billy sunday preach and he got his coat off and and chased the devil around the podium. They really did, slapping at him with his coat. And I had a spiritual experience right then. Boy, it like scared me to death, some kind of experience. But listen to this. And then I, Danny, what was that song? What's that song again? Yeah. I never can think of it. Isn't that ridiculous? At the end of a particular fancy sermon that any preacher would preach, if they, the organ started playing and the choir started singing and almost persuaded, well, I was. You believe me. I'd jump up and run down the aisle every time. And I know I had a spiritual experience, you know. Well, later on, I had a lot of spiritual experiences in my life and things of a spiritual nature would happen to me and something would happen inside. And you know, it's ridiculous for me to say or people to say that these are not things of a special nature because at least they were to me. And as I grew older and after I'd started drinking, these self-same things would happen, but I continued to get drunk. And let me talk about the mothers here. Those of you who are alcoholic in mothers, you know when a child is brought to her mother's arms or its mother's arm in a hospital, the look that goes out of this mother's eyes to this baby is certainly a spiritual thing. I know it is. but many an alcoholic mother has jumped right up after a week in the hospital and gone out and got drunk and the love that exists between a young man and his young wife or a sweetheart i know that these are things of the spirit but they as they happened to me i kept on getting drunk well now what i would like to submit to you this afternoon is that having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I have never had another drink. Now, most drunks, including me, are real thick-headed. But this one finally sunk in. That if I would do what this program suggested I do, and if I had any type of a spiritual awakening as a result of doing what A suggested I did, that I would not ever, listen to this, ever have to take another drink? We do this on a day-at-a-time basis, but we are promised sobriety forever in this book. Not one day, but forever. And it says, and we tried to carry this message, and this is the message. You know, what is it to promise a man that he can find a day or two of sobriete? If that was all that I had known that could have happened to me, it wouldn't have been worthwhile sobering up. but I had to have a life of reconstruction and that's what you gave me and this is the message that AA is talking about and to practice these principles in all of our affairs and the principles that are in this particular program that I find necessary to practice every day are those of honesty I need to be an honest man and I need evaluate who and what I am and practice that principle of honesty in my everyday life and there is no affair in my life that can become so disorganized that I can't find a principle in this program. If I apply that principle to this affair of my life, I can fix it. And that's what this program is, a daily fixing on a daily basis. The application of these principles that we find as we study the AA way of life. Thank you and God bless you. Thank you for watching.