Step 9 and the Damage of Trying to Arrange the World – Rory M.

My name is Rory McShane. I'm alcoholic. Through the grace of a loving God, I found here in Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not taken a drink or anything that affects me from the neck up since June the 5th of 2010. And I'm very grateful for that. I'd like to thank the group for asking me to come up here and speak this month. We were all out to dinner last week, and you all asked me to come speak at your birthday night in June. And, you know, so those of you who are not enjoying it, the beatings will continue until morale improves. I'm really interested to hear what's going to come out of my mouth this week. This is going to be, we'll find out. I tell you what, though, this is a great group, man. I come in and I sit down to speak, and you all brought me a plate of beans for the ride back. I mean, you all know how to welcome a fat speaker, all right? Oh, my God. I was speaking at this last summer. I was speaking at this meeting in Pennsylvania, and it's like, they're in this, like, old church, and there's no air conditioning, and they've got these, like, can lights that are like, you know, and I'm up on the stage, and they've got these can lights that are, like, eight inches from my face, and I'm pouring down sweat while I'm talking. And I guarantee you there was someone in the room thinking to themselves, like, there's no way this guy is sober, right? Like, he's coming off one right now. In the... So... So... So... So... So... So... So far, we've talked about steps one... Steps one through nine, right? And... And... And... And we have not... And what we've tried to talk about is... And I'm just going to go back a little bit. What we tried to talk about here is... Is... The first... In the first step, what it tells me is... Is that the fact that once I start drinking, I can't stop. That's a big problem. But the fact that once I stop drinking, I become restless and irritable and discontent and miserable and depressed. That's a much bigger problem. Right? And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And... And we watch guys who have a year or two years or five years or 15 years or 20 years... Go back out or put pistols in their mouths. And that's not a particularly uncommon occurrence here in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because they're far removed from the alcohol, but they're not far removed from that spring in my gut that's tightening and tightening and tightening. And in the second step, we have a willingness to believe that maybe... Just maybe the thing that's keeping the fat, loud, tattooed guy sober could maybe work for me. Right? maybe if I take the actions he takes, I could stay sober too. And in the third step, we look at what's driving this, what's driving this internal problem, what's driving this internal uncomfortability, what's driving the spring in my gut is selfishness and self-centeredness. And see, the problem is when I hear the words selfish and self-centered, I think arrogant and conceited. I think about people who wear suits and too much gold jewelry. Shit. Sorry, I apologize for the profanity. But really what it's talking about is not thinking too much of myself or thinking too little of myself. It's thinking of myself too much. Right? And in the fourth step, when it says I'm getting down to causes, in the fourth step it says we considered the common manifestations of self. Resentment was the number one offender. The entire point of the fourth step is to look at how this selfishness and self-centeredness is showing up in my life. Resentment is the biggest way it's showing up in my life, but my fears is the next way it's showing up in my life. I don't know about y'all, but I have never once woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, terrified that there are kids starving in Africa. Right? Got to get on this problem right away. First thing in the morning, I'm calling Uganda, see what I can do. Right? Right? When I wake up in the middle of the night afraid, it's about my relationships. Does she really love me? It's about my money. Am I going to go broke? It's about my children. How are they going to turn out? And then the last one is sex, right? Sex is the last manifestation of our selfishness that we look at. I know no guy in here has ever been selfish during sex before, but it's big down in Austin. It might not happen up here in Dallas. I see the lady is shaking their head a little too hard at that one. And in the fifth step, what I'm doing is I'm getting honest with another human being about the way the selfishness has manifested in my life. Right? I've heard, I would guess, a couple hundred fifth steps over the years. And they're all the same. Right? We sponsors, we sit there and we're just waiting for something that's interesting, like electric shock and a camel and some peanut butter or something. But none of them are that clever. It's just all the sad attempts. In chapter five, it says I'm a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of life. It's just all the sad attempts. I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of life if I manage well. And all the fifth steps I've ever heard are just a culmination of the sad things that we do to try and ease this thing inside of us. The selfishness and self-centeredness that we bring into the world under the delusion that if I could just arrange you right, if I could just arrange the money, the relationship, the parents, the job, the coworkers, that finally I could have some peace inside of me. And then in the sixth and seventh step, what we're looking at is we're looking at the tools that we bring in to try and do that. The dishonesty. The manipulation. The anger. The violence. And we're going to God and we're saying, God, if you'll take these things, I have no more power over them than I do drinking. But if you'll take these things away from me, God, please do. And I will never, ever do these things again. And I'll do what I have to do to have sufficient connection with you, God, so that you'll be able to remove these. The way I remove my character defects is no different than drinking. I'm not waking up every day reminding myself not to take a drink. I'm coming here and doing God's work in Alcoholics Anonymous, so I'll have access to the power that can make me feel at peace and okay when I'm sober. And in the eighth and ninth step, what I'm doing is I'm trying to go back and I'm trying to clean up the damage that I've done as a result of a life of self-will run riot. I'm trying to clean up the damage that I've done trying to arrange the world, trying to rip people off, hurt people, to arrange the world in the hopes that it will finally make me feel okay inside. Now, see, here's the problem. I have never once found... I was sitting in a meeting in Austin. I hope this guy doesn't hear this tape. That wouldn't be good for me. I was sitting in a meeting in Austin about a month ago, and a guy's got a lot of time shared. He shared, you know, I haven't had a sponsor since the 90s, and I'm doing fine. And I just kind of like, you know, I mean, okay, man, but that guy doesn't suffer from what I suffer from, right? Because I have never once in 13 years of sobriety found that selfishness and self-centeredness leaves me. I remember I called Charlie Parker, who sponsored me until he passed about a year ago. I called him one time, and I said, you know, I said, Charlie, when does the selfishness... Because selfishness is one of those things, right, where... And I believe that we know that the big book was divinely inspired because they wrote the big book when Bill had about three and a half years sober, right? They wrote the big book in 1939. Bill got sober at the end of 1939. Bill got sober in 1934. And at three and a half years, had you come to me and said, Rory, selfishness and self-centeredness is your problem, I would have said, no, it's not, right? I would have said drugs were... I would have said alcohol was my problem. Outside issues were my problem. The woman is the problem, right? I saw some guys nod violently in agreement with that one. That boss is my problem. Those loser friends are my problem. I wouldn't have said selfishness and self-centeredness is my problem. And it's one of those things that... You can't see it until you see it. And then once you see it, oh my God, it's painful. And in 13 years, I'll be honest with you, I have never once experienced selfishness and self-centeredness going away. What I've experienced is that I'm awake to selfishness and self-centeredness. And if I'm awake to selfishness and self-centeredness, I can take actions to get in touch with this God so I don't have to live selfish and self-centered. I'll share this with you guys. She's not here this week, so I can. We don't record speakers at this group, right? Perfect. Thank God. All right. A couple weeks ago, my girlfriend and my son got in a little car accident, right? And I was on the phone with a spiritual mentor of mine when it happened. And she calls me. She says, we just got in a car accident outside the school. And I would like to tell you all that for one moment, my thought was, is my son okay? Is my girlfriend okay? Hell, is the car okay? My first thought was, I do not have time for this today, right? And I hear that thought. And instead of acting on that thought, I'm a big believer that what we're doing here in this program is I'm... Eckhart Tolle, who's a spiritual mentor a lot of people like and a lot of people read, he tried to kill himself when he was, I think, 20 years old. And in the final words he said before he tried to kill himself were, I can't live with myself anymore, which created in him this realization that there are essentially two beings living within him. There is the ego and there is the spirit. And in my experience, they are distinctly separate things. So I can hear, I hear a thought like, my girlfriend might not be okay, my son might not be okay, and my first thought is about my schedule. And then I can go to God and I can say, God, please remove this from me and help me act as a man who trusts God would act in this situation. And then my response is, okay, honey, I'm on the way. I'll be there in 10 minutes. And little by slowly through that action, my feet become trained here. I have never... God, we were down at Citywide in Austin this morning. I was in the office last weekend and the speaker did a great job. And she put it so wonderfully. See, the problem is, is that I wake up every morning with untreated alcoholism. Alcohol and alcoholism are not the same thing. I wake up in the morning and the first thought in my, and the first thoughts in my head before I open my eyes are, you're going to be alone. You're probably going to go broke. You're really kind of too fat and you're not that good looking either. By the way, good morning, right? And at that moment, I can do one of two things, right? At that moment, I can try and manage those things. I can try and say, oh my God, I got to get on social media or I got to start looking at work emails or I have to try and manage the things that are making me feel that way or I could acknowledge what they are. That's how my disease talks to me. That's how alcoholism talks to me. And then I can go to the only thing that I have ever found to be more powerful than that voice in my head, that could be more powerful than alcoholism is I can go to my creator. And I can do exactly what it tells me to do here. I can ask God to divorce my thoughts from selfish and self-seeking motives. I can ask God, it says at the end of page 164 in a vision for you, I ask God to show me who I can help that day. I ask God to help me be of service that day. Y'all with me on this? And if I will align my actions against self, then I can ask God to help me be of service that day. And I can have the access to God in my life. And it tells me really specifically how to do this because we never get divorced from self, right? Sometimes we fall asleep to it, but it never separates from us. So the book gives me some key indicators to watch for when selfishness is creeping back into my life, right? Because the problem is, if I'm... I don't tell this story all the time, I'll tell it. When I was about six years sober, I think I was about six years sober, I, you know, I'm deep in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous, right? My feet are well-trained here. I've got service positions. I'm sponsoring guys. I'm taking meetings into the Salvation Army. And I'm doing all the stuff, right? And my life is just falling apart. And I had a good job at the time. I was making, I don't know, I wasn't quite making six figures yet, but I was probably making, I was probably making $80,000 a year. And I'm broke every month, right? Bank accounts overdrawn every month. Credit cards maxed out every month. I had another woman pregnant. Those of you who've been here every week have followed that this theme repeats itself. And I don't know what's going on, right? I don't, because I wasn't awake that self was causing these problems. See, there's this line in the third step where the whole program kind of takes a turn. And what it says is, is that our problems are not coming at us. Our problems are coming from us, right? So I remember I was down in an AA conference with Katie and Charlie Parker in Jacksonville. And I'm talking to Katie about all these problems I'm having in my life, right? And she says, Rory, how much of your day do you dedicate to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? And I said, oh my God, I'm Mr. AA. I was chair of the Young People's Committee and I was GSR and I was intergroup and I was ABC and I was LMNOP, man. I had a lot of work. I had a lot of work. I had a lot of work. I had every AA title you could get. And she said, that's not what I asked you. She said, how many questions are there in the 11th step? Let's see here. Song through prayer and meditation to prove. None. That is wrong, Rory. There are 10 questions. And then I guessed and I said 12 because normally 12 is the right answer to any question around here, right? It's not 12 if your sponsor asks you later. There are 10 questions in the 11th step. And she said, what are the five instructions that it gives us in the 10th step? And I said, well, we continue to take personal inventory. I'm wrong probably. Take personal inventory, don't drink and go to meetings, right? She said, no, Rory, you kind of got one of them right, right? Because see, I was working a program of Alcoholics Anonymous off of the wall, not out of the book. Right? And what I can tell you is is that when I was willing to work this program out of the book and not off the wall, my life set on fire, man. And I was going through some circumstances. I think I shared a little bit about this when I talked about the third step. I was going through some circumstances in my life that had you looked at the externals of my life, you would have said, man, this guy's having a hard time. Maybe he won't even stay sober. I was, my son's mother had just relapsed and I'd moved back. And I'd left at that time the best job I'd ever had to move back to Nevada to fight for custody of my son. And I couldn't even afford, you know, and I'm spending all my money on this custody attorney and I couldn't even afford an apartment. I'm staying with a buddy of mine who's not even in the program. And I don't have a job. And the external factors of my life, it was like the walls were closing in on me. But see, I was deep in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll tell you what happened as a result of that. If I'm willing to be deep in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I believe that my problems are coming from me, they're not coming at me, that what I can do is I can reduce the self that blocks me from the power here. And if I can reduce the self that blocks me from the power, I can have access to the power. I can have access to God in all areas of my life. As a result of losing that job and that, so as you watch the externals of my life, I remember I was on the way to give an AA talk in Las Vegas and I'm driving this car that I can't even afford. Like summer in Las Vegas is hot, y'all. Like I didn't even have air conditioning in this car. I couldn't afford it. And I'm on the way to give an AA talk just thinking about how my life's falling apart, right? But I'm sponsoring half the Salvation Army. I'm literally doing 10 steps. I'm writing nightly review every night. So had you asked me how I was doing it, and the beautiful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is we don't care what you think and we don't care what you feel. We just care what you do. There's a guy in Las Vegas, he likes to say, you know how you are ready, you know how you know when you're ready to make an amends? And you think he's gonna give like some spiritual answer about signs and wonders. He's like, you will find yourself in their driveway with the money in your pocket. Right? Like sometimes it's that simple. So had you asked me how I was doing at that period of time, I would have said, oh man, I'm struggling. I don't know how I'm gonna freaking pay this guy rent next month. I don't know how I'm gonna afford this attorney. I don't know what's going on with my son. But had you asked my sponsor how I was doing, he would have said, oh, all right, he's good. He's deep in the disciplines of Alcoholics Anonymous. He's spending his time helping other guys, not worried about himself. And as a result of the reduction, the reduction of self, right? As a result of the reduction of me trying to manage my own life. See, I think about it like this, right? If someone was sitting in a football, you know, sitting in the offensive coordinator's box of a football game, right? And they look down at my life, and they saw a guy who was hardworking, relatively intelligent, with good motives, who just continually blew up his life over and over and over again. The only reasonable conclusion that you could come to is whoever is making decisions for this guy is trying to kill him, right? Those of you who didn't laugh, I look forward to the second time you go through the steps. We can talk about that. It'll be a good time. Aaron's been through it enough. He gets it. So by me, we know that, and I'm not gonna say, we're not gonna say, we're not gonna say that, because I'm not gonna say it, but I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it. removing myself from the process of making decisions. A guy told me one time, said, Rory, if you turn your will and your life over to the care of that trash can, I promise you an instant miracle. I said, okay, I turn my will and my life over to the trash can. He said, perfect. Your life is no longer in the hands of an idiot, right? And it was true. I couldn't even fight it, right? Because if you looked at what happened to my life over and over and over again, whoever was making these decisions was an idiot, right? It's like, God, there's some, um, it's y'all ever watch that Scooby-Doo, right? In the nineties, they had that cartoon Scooby-Doo, right? And there's an, and there's a, there's a, it's going around on social media. There's a scene where they pull the mask off the bad guy, right? And it's, and it's the exact person of the mask, right? It's, it's a mask of himself. And it says like, it was me, the last person I expected the whole time, right? And that's, my life, right? I think you're, I think you're doing this to me. I think the outside world is doing this to me, but I'm doing it to myself. And if I'm willing to engage in the disciplines of this program, I can remove enough of me from me that I can have access to this power and I can have a successful life. So the book tells me, how do I watch for self beginning to creep back into my life, right? It says we watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. I heard a guy put it really simply the other day. He said, am I telling lies? Am I afraid I'm going to get my ass beat or do I want to beat somebody's ass? Right? And then it gives me five instructions when I, when these things have crop up in my life, right? What's it say? It says, when these crop up, we ask God to remove them at once. We discuss them with somebody immediately because self cannot see self. Y'all with me on this? I was, I was in Las Vegas last week. I had dinner with my and I had gotten in a big fight with my girlfriend that day. And, and, uh, and I, and like, I've done this long enough where I, I realized when I'm off the beam, right? Where, when I realized that I'm not acting in a, in the right way. Right. But then I go to my sponsor and I tell him what she said, right? And then I tell him what I said. And my sponsor has this look. It's like, so bad. She just goes, Oh, but then he said to me, can you imagine if she hadn't told you that and she'd lied about it, how angry you would have been? Can you imagine how much courage it must've taken to say that? Can you imagine how self-centered you must be that someone's saying something that's true to them, upsets you and you respond angrily. Self cannot see self. We discuss them with someone immediately. We make amends quickly. If we've, if we've harmed anyone, you know, I think, I think that I'm on an, I'm on an email check-in every morning with about 30 guys that, that, that my late sponsor used to sponsor. And one of the questions we ask is, did we make amends? And I'll tell you what I noticed, man. I, I, I noticed that the guys who have the successful businesses that they've been in doctors or lawyers or construction guys or whatever, and they've been in business for 10, 15, 20, 30 years, the guys who have the successful marriages, they've been married to the same woman for 10, 15, 20 years. They answer that question. You know, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, a lot. Because they're awake to their own lives. They're awake to the selfishness. Mark Houston used to talk about, I'm going through life asleep, dreaming that I'm awake. Y'all with me? And when I see these guys whose lives that I want, these lives that I want to emulate, there's guys, there's guys who ever a couple of times a week are saying, yep, you know, I said something out of pocket to my wife. I made an amends. I said something out of pocket to one of the guys who worked for me. I made an amends. I, you know, so, so when I look at the guys whose lives that I want in this program, they're not necessarily the guys who are the, you know, smartest or the guys who, who have the most given talent. They're the guys who have the greatest reliance on God and the least reliance on themselves. And as a result of that, God takes care of their lives. And then, and this is the most important part here. We turn our thoughts to someone that we can help because y'all see that is what lowers the barrier between me and God that I can have access to him because I've had times I, there are times in my sobriety where I cannot access God. I cannot access God. I cannot access God. I cannot access God. I cannot access God directly. I'm too. I know I need to go to God. I know God's the answer, but I'm too resentful and I'm too afraid and I'm too in fear. I cannot get to God. You ever try and meditate when you're really resentful at somebody, right? Um, I hope a bomb comes down and kills that SOB, but right. I believe this is just my, this is just my, my spiritual belief. It's okay if it's not yours. A drop of water is the same molecular substance as the ocean, right? A drop of water has no power. Can't do any, can't knock you over. Can't do anything. The ocean has incredible, awesome power. It can top, structures or, or vessels. It can erase islands, civilizations, but like drops of water are the same, are, are a part of the ocean. That is my belief, how we are a part of God. And if I can, Chuck Chamberlain used to talk about how this was a disease of separation. And if I can eliminate the separation between me and you, that if I can serve God's children, then I can have access to that power. So all of it, you know, Dr. Bob's last talk, and I've said this a bunch of times, but I've said this a bunch of times, but I've said this a bunch of times, Dr. Bob's last talk, and I've said this a bunch of times, but I've said this a bunch of times, up here. In Dr. Bob's last talk, he says that what this program simply is, is it's love and it's service. So up until we get to the point of turning our thoughts to somebody that we can help, this is all intellectual. Up until that, up until that point, it's not going to work because AA is not a self-help program. This is not a place where I come to learn new tools. This is not a place where I come to learn strategies. This is a place where I come to get in touch with a power that can make that thing inside me quiet down enough that I can live with it. And so I've been talking about this thing ofamias and that's the kind of thing I call the soul approach, where I take drugs and I do what I can to make that thing outside of me that I can live a relatively peaceful and humble life. So that is the most powerful piece of this whole thing. I turn my thoughts to somebody that I can help, and that is, ultimately, how I've had circumstances, y'all, I've had times where I've been so resentful, where I've been so angry. I sponsor enough guys that in a given day, I probably get, I don't know, 15 sponsor phone calls, something like that, right, and I've had times where I'm so angry and I'm so resentful, but my feet are trained here in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I'll get in my truck after work or whatever, and I've got five or six guys to call back and stuff. But I'll tell you what, as soon as I'm done with these guys, I'm going to let them have it. Those people screwed up and they're going to hear about it. Right. And then I'll, you know, and I'll get on the phone and I'll, and I'll engage in inconvenient other centered action. Right. And I'll spend, you know, 15 minutes listening to this guy about, and then what did she say to you? Oh no, I'm sorry. The house manager did what? Oh, well, that's so sad. I'm sorry. And by the time, and Jose, I appreciate your phone calls, by the way, it's really helping me a lot. It's all right. Robert will get some too. Uh, and by the time I'm through those phone calls, I don't, whatever. See the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the resentment that I had or the fear that I had, that was a level that was volume level nine, where it was about to break me down. All of a sudden that's reduced to volume level three, because I've gotten an infusion of grace and, and really the grace hasn't come from anywhere because it's all around me. What has happened is my selfishness and self-centeredness has been reduced enough that the grace and the love that's around me could have access to me. Right. Y'all with me on this? Yeah. It says that we have ceased fighting anything, even alcohol, because I have to be in a position of neutrality where I can receive that when I can receive that grace. My sponsor, my sponsor said to me one time, he said, Rory, do you know how to always, Aaron and I were talking about it. Rory, do you know how to always get your way? And I was like, yes, finally, I've been sober long enough. I've sponsored enough guys. I've like, they're going to let me into advanced AA now. Right. I'm excited. And he goes, just don't have a way, Rory. And I'm like, God, I knew it was going to be some AA hokey crap. Like always get me. I always like, I always feel like this one's going to be really good. Right. I'm really, I'm going to learn. I'm going to get the juice on this one. So it's like, so, so, so, so this is the process. I was in a, I was in a meeting one time around, around the holidays, around, I think it was and everyone's sharing like their, you know, seven silly secrets to stay sober at Christmas or, you know, whatever nonsense. And, uh, you know, always remember to carry chocolate with you when you go to a party with drinking and like, you know, whatever, anybody ever get drunk when they had chocolate with them? Like, you know, I don't know. That never worked for me. Right. You know, oh my God. Right. And this old timer, you know, real crotchety, old bleeding, deacon, angry at everyone guy, like the type of guy I want to be when I'm older, just objectively, like that old guy in the clubhouse. That's, you know, um, this old guy goes, we don't have a program for Christmas. We have a program for in the morning during the day and at night. Right. And that's true, right? This 10 step tells me what I'm supposed to do during the day when selfishness crops up. But the problem is, is that as much as I do this, I've never found there to be an exception to this rule. And I, and I've, I've, I've had the fortune and the opportunity to, to be sponsored by what I think are, are some great spiritual leaders in AA. And I've never met any, any of these guys who've had the ability of being able to see self in every moment that it crops up. It's like, it's like, so that's why we have the 11th step. If you go downtown, down into downtown Dallas and you see this, these, this construction, right? They're putting up these huge buildings and they're working on them. And they have the platform that the guys are working on in their harnesses and they're working on the buildings. Well, right under the platform, they have a net, right? And under the, to catch any tools that might drop or anything like that. And they're working on the platform. And they're working on the platform. Because a hammer fallen from the 60th floor is like a missile when it hits the ground, right? But see, if you look down a little bit, maybe on the 20th floor, there's a second net. So if it's gotten through the first net, it can be caught by the second net. And that's how, as I understand it, that's how the 11th step works. In the 11th step, it says, when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should have been discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Are we thinking of others? What could we pack into the stream of life? So what it's asking me to do is at the end of the day, look at where I've missed on my 10th step. It's asking me, it's asking, so when I, this is a, this is a little pet peeve of mine, but a big misunderstanding here, right? When it talks about, when it talks about, when you're writing out a piece of information, you're writing out a piece of information, you're writing out a piece of information, you're writing out a piece of information, you're writing out a piece of information, you're writing out a piece of information, you're writing out a piece of information, that's not a 10th step. That's an 11th step, right? Because the terms are kind of misunderstood a little bit. See, when I look up at the wall and I hear sought through prayer and meditation, I envision like I'm humming with chakras and candles in the lotus position or whatever. I've never been in the lotus position. I don't know if a guy my size could do that, but you know. But see, what it's talking about in 1939, when they wrote the book, meditate meant to revolve in the mind, right? As the general would meditate about the battle, right? So what it's looking for me to do is it's asking me to revolve in my mind that day, to look in my day and see where did I get off the spiritual beam, right? Where was I resentful? Where was I selfish? Where did self crop up for me? And in our book, it actually lists out what we were, what we're supposed, on page 86, it lists out what we're supposed to do at night before it talks about upon awakening. And the reason I understand that to be is because the question is, what are my corrective measures? What is my corrective measure? What is my corrective measure? What is my corrective measure? What is my corrective measure? What is my corrective measure? What is my corrective measure? What is the thing that I did that day that I need to go clean up the next day? So I do my review at night and then in the morning, I'm supposed to take that action into the next day and I'm supposed to clean up. Y'all got a little poster over there, on the beam, off the beam. Well, that's what this is talking about. It's talking about what actions do I need to take to diminish self, to come back to a conscious relationship with my creator. And why does that matter? Y'all heard me say it a hundred times. Because people who have the conscious presence of God don't say, I'm going to sit in their own piss-drinking Jack Daniels. And look, I'm just going to talk about this a little bit. Nowhere in our book does it say that we have to write this down. In my personal experience, it is substantially more effective when I write out my nightly review every night. There's a handful of guys. One of them is in the room. We send our nightly reviews back and forth to each other. And I'll tell you why I think that matters. There's a saying that it takes two of us. To keep one of us sober. We're as sick as our secrets. We're as sick as our lies. And because if I write out a nightly review that says, I hollered at my girlfriend. I really owe an amends on that one. And I send that to my buddy. The next time we're talking on the phone, he's going to say, Hey, did you make that amends? How'd that amends go? Because I'll tell you what, I've never met anything that rebuilds so quickly as the ego of an alcoholic. Y'all know that guy? The guy I'm talking about who, you know, day one out of detox, he's like, I'll do anything. He ever asks me. Then day two, you're like, Hey man, could you meet me at the meeting at eight? And he's like, Ooh, eight o'clock. I got to go see my girl. The cowboy game is on. I don't know if I can make it over there. You know, y'all know who I'm talking about? Well, see, see, but the problem is, is I'm still that guy. I go to a lot of meetings, but I'm still that guy. I'll go into my nightly review and I'll say, man, I got to make an amends to that guy. I really, I, I, I hollered at him. I didn't treat him with respect. I owe that amends. But then by the next morning, it'll be like, he works for you, Rory. You don't work for him. You don't owe him an amends. And that little subtle voice, the voice of separation is moving, is removing me from my fellows. Right? Y'all with me on this? And so when I have the transparency and accountability of exchanging that review with another person, I think it helps both of us stay on the beam more. And it automatically, have I kept something to myself? I should have shared with another person at once. It automatically gets rid of that. So it just, in my experience, I don't think I'd put a nightly review on paper until I was at least six years sober. And the, the spiritual effect of putting a nightly review on paper. Oh my God. I can't even, I can't even tell you the ability to see how I'm living and how I'm deviating from who I was created to be on a daily basis. See, when, when Michelangelo carved the David, which is generally considered to be the most beautiful sculpture that ever lived, or her certain, certainly one of them. I don't know if you guessed it, but I'm not a fine art guy. Right? But I know enough to, to know that. They asked him, how did he carve this beautiful sculpture? And he said, I just removed all the marble that shouldn't be there. And what was left was the David. And see, I think in the 11th step and in the fourth step, when we're writing about the manifestations of our selfishness and self-centeredness, we're writing about who we are not, not who we are. We're writing about the actions that we have taken that are not in line with who we are created to be. Right? Created to be. My sponsor likes to talk about, I am stumbling toward the man that God created me to be. And that's been my experience. And then I go clean up those actions and I remove just a little bit more marble and I get a little bit closer to the man that God created me to be. On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking to that be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions, we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, which means that if I'm not under these conditions, I can't employ my mental faculties with assurance. Y'all ever have a situation where in the moment you were absolutely confident it was the right decision? Yeah, sponsor, I'm moving her in. We've been together three days. It's going to be great. If Aaron didn't laugh at that one, I was going to start saying something. We're in the moment. You're absolutely certain. I'm quitting that job. That God dang boss. He looked at me wrong. He can't treat me that way. You mean the job where you work four days a week, make $100,000 a year and have health insurance. You're going to quit that because the boss said something mean to you. Damn right. Right. Y'all ever had that moment where you did something that in the moment you absolutely knew it was the right thing to do. But looking back on it, you're like, oh my God, what's wrong with me? Y'all know that one? Yeah. See, that's what it's talking about. See, because it says if we're not doing this, we might pay for this presumption and all sorts of absurd thoughts and actions. I was standing outside the meeting just about a month ago. One of my best friends in AA, 10, 12 years sober, he comes over and he says, I'm going to quit my job. Rory, I said, quit your job. You got another job? No. Didn't you just tell me you were moving your girlfriend into your house? Yes. I'm not a doctor, but women like guys with jobs. In my experience, you know. He said, I can't take it anymore, Rory. I'm going to quit. Okay. How many nights have you written nightly review in the last month? No nightly review. How many months, how many times have you done on awakening in the last month? No on awakening. How many 10 step calls have you made in the last month? One or two. Is it possible that this is an absurd thought in action? And I say that. Because if you look at my life and you look at the amount of times I've blown up my life time and time again, year and year again, you would say, man, this guy's had some absurd thoughts and actions. Why? Because I was being driven by self. It says in chapter five, we are driven by fear, self delusion, self seeking, and self pity, right? When I'm, if you and I, if you and I get in my truck and we go down to Starbucks and I'm driving and Vince is in the passenger seat, Vince has no control over where we're going. I am driven by a level of self-centeredness beyond my understanding. I am driven by a level of self-centeredness beyond my understanding. I am driven by a level of self-centeredness beyond my understanding and beyond my comprehension. You ever had a situation maybe in a fight in your relationship or an argument with a coworker or something where you say something, something comes out of your mouth and you're like, oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. Y'all know what I'm talking about? And had I asked you 20 minutes before, would you ever call her that word? Oh no, I was raised, I respect women. I wouldn't do that. Would you ever say that thing to the boss man? Oh no, I'd never say that to the boss man. But then you do it anyways. Why? Because I'm driven. I'm reacting. Emotional pain always supersedes the emotional pain. I'm driven. Emotional pain always supersedes rational thought. I'm reacting at a level beyond my ability to understand it. And then the most important part, I think of all of this, y'all, it tells me all through the book. It tells me in the third step prayer. It tells me on page 164 and I know we, I know we read it at the end of the meeting, but I'm going to, I'm going to look at it real quick just cause I get choked up when I read this. I really do. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. Ask him each day and you're asking him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order. See all of these steps up until this point are the, all of these steps up until this point are just to put my own house in order so I can be of service to the man who is still sick. In the, in the ninth step it says we fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. The whole point of hearing the whole point. Fit ourselves. Get ready. The point of the amends. I was here, I was, I was going through a sponsor's eight step list and he gives me, and some guys do it in cards down in Austin and that's okay. I don't care how you write it down. So he gives me all these cards and I start going through the cards and the, like the first 15 of them are all drug dealers he owes money to and like the next 15 are all women who are mad at him and then we get like past the top 30 and it's like mom, grandpa, and I'm like, you're not trying to make amends. You're trying to clear your tab here. That's it, right? So they'll run you a little credit line, right? I'm doing this to fit myself to be of service to God and the people about me and what I have experienced in my life is that there is nothing. It said, it says in, in Bill's story, it says we would not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead unless we perfected and enlarged our spiritual condition. And then it says something that I wouldn't expect. It to say, see when it says perfect and enlarge my spiritual condition, it doesn't say through more prayer or more meditation because if that worked, you'd never have a priest or a clergyman or a rabbi or an Imam who needed AA. I can pray till I get a hernia from bending over that long, but it's not going to keep me sober. See then it says that it says we would not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. It tells me that it's coming y'all because we get sober. Life doesn't get perfect. There's bankruptcy and there's divorce. And there's cancer and there's, there's all kinds of bad stuff out there, man. That's just life. I was, I was in Washington DC. Uh, I, I'm in Washington DC for business every couple of weeks and actually I was speaking here a few weeks ago and then I flew to, I flew out of DFW to DC the next morning and I went to a Thursday night meeting and I ran into this gal that I've known for a, for, for a long time. She's deeply involved in AA. Wonderful gal. Early thirties or so. And, and we are, and I had, she had asked me to come speak at a meeting out there before and, and the last time we had texted, she'd mentioned being in the hospital and I saw her at this meeting and I said, Hey, what was going on with that hospital stuff? Everything okay? And she said, you know, you got a minute to talk. I said, sure. What's going on? She said, well, I was actually diagnosed with a, with a lung disease and I might only have three to five years to live. 31, 32 years old, something like that. And I said, oh my God, I can't imagine it. How are you doing? And she said, you know, Rory, I've lost my fear of today, tomorrow and the hereafter. She said, I don't want to die. I want to, I want to have a wonderful life. I want, I want to get married and have children and I want to, you know, I'm doing cool stuff in my career and I want to keep doing it, but I'm not scared of it. Oh my God. If I could, if I could end up as her, this I'm overpaid in this program. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have no idea where I was going with that. Was it, I don't, I don't know. I just, sometimes you just open your mouth and talk and see what happens. I say that to say that if I am willing in the fifth tradition, it tells me that the primary purpose of a group of Alcoholics Anonymous is to carry the message. Right. And I'm a member of a group of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I believe what that means is that my primary purpose is also to carry the message. One of the most painful days of my life, I was, um, it was right after my son's mother had relapsed and it was, you know, it was clear that it was going to be a really tense situation between the two of us. And I was only getting to see him like one hour a week at that point. And she had had me served sole custody papers. She wanted sole custody and didn't want me to be able to see him. And, um, and this whole stuff. And I remember I get these papers and I'm, I'm coming apart, right? I'm losing my mind. And I go over to Denny's. There was this, it was a Thursday night because I remember what meeting it was. It was the KCB club. And um, and I'm coming apart. I'm losing my mind. I'm sitting at the Denny's and I'm drinking coffee and I'm, you know, I've got everything ranging in my head from, I'm going to take off, I'm going to get out of here to I'm going to do violence to everything insane is going on in my head, driven by fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. And I remembered that there were these three guys I was sponsoring in the Salvation Army at the time and I, and I had to, and I made a commitment that I would pick them up and I'd take them to the meeting that night. So I leave the Denny's and I go down there to the Salvation Army and I get these guys in the truck and y'all, there is not anything in the world I felt less like doing than that. I wanted to go home and think for a little bit, right? Y'all, my head is a dangerous neighborhood. I try not to go up there alone. It's not, it's not good stuff. And I get these guys in the car and this guy, Mike, he tells me, he says, Roy, I haven't seen my daughter in years. I don't know if I'll ever see her again. And all of a sudden I start talking to him and I start becoming concerned with him and the things that were inside of me became okay. And I'll tell you something really cool, man. I have sole custody of that boy today and Mike has custody of his daughter and he's sober now. He's been in there, I don't know, seven, eight years, something like that and he's doing wonderfully. He's an oilman down there in League City. He's doing great. That is the power of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have spent my last dollar more times than I can count buying guys cheeseburgers after meetings. If I were to tally it up, I'd say at least $30.00. $30.00. $30.00. $30.00. $30.00. $30.00. $30.00. $40.00. And I do it because I owe. You guys have heard me say this before, I wear a coat and tie on a podium at Alcoholics Anonymous not because I think anybody here cares and not because I think God cares to remind me that I owe this program my absolute reverence and my absolute respect because it has given me absolutely everything in my life. And if... I live 50 lifetimes, I wouldn't be able to pay back what this program has given to me. I'm going to get home very late tonight after we all go out to eat, and I'm going to probably walk out on my back porch and look over my very, I have a wonderful backyard, it backs up right to a nice park, and look over my lawn and maybe have a cigarette before I go to sleep and talk to God for a minute. I'm going to go to sleep and wake up in the morning, and my son and I will have breakfast, and then we'll go to school, and then I'll go drive to a business that I own, and I'll probably talk to some sponsees. I have been shown a grace in Alcoholics Anonymous that I am unworthy of. I came to you all a suicidal, homicidal, the line in the book where it says, the trembling, despairing, nervous wreck of a man, it doesn't even close to reach. The thing that I was when I got here. Emerge a man brimming over with self-confidence, self-reliance and contentment. I live a life most day that is beyond my wildest dreams. And I'll tell you why if I can sum it up very, very simply to you. Because the most important thing in my life is Alcoholics Anonymous. The most important thing in my life is carrying the message to the next alcoholic. And there are days when I have bad spiritual hair. And there are days I have good spiritual hair days. And there are days I owe a lot of amends. And there are days I don't owe many amends. But if you watch my feet almost every day, my feet will show you that the most important thing in my life is carrying the message. Coming up here and talking is a real honor, and I'm glad to do it. And I'm going to be at another group doing the same thing next month, and that's an honor too. But I'll tell you what my Alcoholics Anonymous program is. You go down to the Westlake Club off Mopac in Austin, show up a half hour before the meeting, and more nights than not, you'll find me sitting outside in my truck looking for a guy who needs a cigarette or needs a cheeseburger. And God takes good care of his servants, man. I've been blessed beyond what I deserve. There is no way to explain how you get from the guy that I was when I got here June the 5th of 2010 to the man who stands before you today other than the grace of God. But the third step contract tells me, that I can only have access to that grace if I will perform his work well. If you're new here, who's here in their first 30 days? Raise your hand. Thank you. Anybody here in their last 30 days? That one's a little harder. It's funny, but it's true, man. That one's a little harder to admit, but I've been in times in my life where I've been, I've been in untreated alcoholism, and I've been sitting in meetings trying to put a smile on my face, thinking about putting a pistol in my mouth. And I swear to you, if you're new here, if you've been here for a little while, I swear to you, on every breath that I have drawn in 13 and a half years, I swear to you on my children, that that third step contract is real. Keep close to him and perform his work well. He will provide what you need. I swear it to you. Please, please get in the boat with us. Mmm. Please. I love you. Thanks.