Step 8 Is the Automatic Result of Step 4 – Ted H.

Rick's at it again. This diagram on the front came from my talks where I tell about how gentle my sponsor was when he said, well, we're going to do some serious work on the fourth step now. And so he said I want you to get a large dull crayon so you won't stab yourself to death. and of course it always weighs 900 pounds when you ask anybody to pick it up the phone only weighs 200 and uh and then he said you're going to write some very important stuff so you need to get a large economy size roll of toilet paper and so that's how this cartoon happened i'm going to start by giving you a couple of promises one of the promises is that when we finish this which uh will be interesting in about two hours you'll probably know more about the big book of alcoholics anonymous than 95 percent of the people in the program you'll also know exactly what the principles are and how to apply them in your daily affairs which most people don't know and you will also have a worksheet that if you follow it religiously you will never have to drink again as long as you live. And the reason I can make that promise is because that's the promise out of the big book. And what that worksheet is on the second to the last page is right out of The Big Book. It is steps 10 and 11. You don't have to turn to it now. And I see they've done an economy job here and put the pages, they've doubled them up which is okay uh i'm going to cover step one two and three very briefly uh people coming into aaa from the treatment centers unfortunately also from the 12-step recovery houses have been involved in a very convoluted program that's been developed so that they could obtain funding and unfortunately i'm a big book man i'm I'm a fundamentalist, and I follow the big book of alcoholics and non-alcoholics. It's not in the big books as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't exist. And the reason for that is this. I carry a pilot's license. I know there is only one way to fly a plane. As long as the laws of aerodynamics are followed, you will be safe. If you breach a law of aer dynamics, you wilI die. It's real simple. I'm also a general contractor and was for years. I know there is only one way to pour concrete for a specific bearing weight. So much sand, so much cement, so many rock and so much water. If it is deviated from the building falls down. And therefore I cannot tolerate people that say well there's as many ways to work the program as there are people in it. I do not want them pouring concrete for me or flying my airplane. We are going to die. There is an exact and precise formula in the Big Book, and when that formula is followed exactly the results are precisely what are promised. We will, indeed, find a power greater than ourselves in the formula. We'll indeed find a way to live our lives comfortably with unsolved problems. We will indeed be able to free ourselves, be able do the one thing that all mankind has tried to do since time began and that is to free ourselves from the shackles of the past. will be able to give away all the guilt shame and remorse of the past we will be able to live free of any fear which is always in the future and therefore we will be to live in the present where I've always wanted to be just with you people in a magic deal called alcoholics anonymous and these are just some of the promises there are as I said last night over 182 promises in the big book the old-timers when I first came in the program on april 1st of 1968 put it very simply they put the program about as simply as anyone i've ever heard and they said this they said the 12 steps are divided into three parts the first three steps are becoming too willing to turn your will in your life your thinking and your actions over to the care of god as you understand him that does not mean that you have to understand god a person that is colorblind understands green and red differently than i do it's still red and green the colors do not change sunlight is experienced by other by all people differently depending on where they are it's so it is how it is demonstrated in our own lives that our experience tells us how we understand it they said the next six steps are how we are actually turning it over turning our will on our life or our thinking and actions over the care of god and the last three steps are how we keep it turned over for the rest of our lives and that's just how simple it is step one if you will turn to page 282 in your big book if those of you that have brought them on page 282 are the original pardon me 292 and if you don't have a book make a note of it on page 292 are the original six steps of the Oxford group from which Bill Wilson derived the 12 steps the six steps are still the fundamental operational steps of our program. What Bill tried to do was formulate a book whereby a person could obtain and maintain their sobriety without ever having to talk to another human being. And so what he had to do then was explain the dynamics that actually went on in the six steps of the oxford group and as you see the first step is complete deflation and he added step one which was admitted that we were alcoholic uh pardon me admitted that were powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable step one actually starts back in step in chapter three, thank you very much, where it says we learned. Learning is that is meaningful is only experiential and until it moves the longest distance known to mankind from academic to experiential you do not know. Please don't anybody tell me what it's like to enter a totally out of control turn in a downhill race at 70 miles an hour unless you've done it because you really don't know and so it says instead in chapter three we learned that means experientially that we had to fully concede to our innermost self that's total and absolute surrender or deflation that we were alcoholic this is the first step in recovery and then in step one in the on page uh what 60 or 59 i never remember brain damage why he changed it a little bit and he said we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable so admitting that we're powerless means meant that they called for help and when the alcoholic called for Then the Oxford group people sent out someone to make a 12-step call, which then, of course, was called something else. And at that point it didn't take a rocket scientist to look back and admit that your life had become unmanageable. And if you haven't done that, why then I suggest you go out and drink again. thank you because that's what the big book says um and then this person came to them and for the first time in their life they heard one alcoholic sharing with another straight across one heart to another in the language of the heart not telling this person what to do for god's sake that had been yelled at us all our lives you know as you heard ajit say earlier just stop drinking everything would be fine well it might be fine for you but not for me jack drinking is what made me whole sobriety is what i can't stand you know life without lubrication is gritty and and they heard for the first time in their life somebody's sharing what happened to them, what it used to be like and what happened and a little bit about what it was like today for the first time. And the idea thought came to them that God, maybe I can be restored to this same kind of honesty because the psychiatric definition for sanity is honesty. The more honesty that a person can acquire pardon me, the maximum amount of honesty that any person can acquire at any given point in their life is equal to how sane they are rationalization because let me back up a second the more honest i become with myself the less i am able to rationalize my own behavior and rationalization is the invention of a socially acceptable excuse for socially unacceptable behavior. And socially unacceptable behaviour is insanity. So they came to believe that maybe some power greater than themselves could restore them to this same kind of honesty that they were hearing from this person talking to them about what happened to them. Of course, the sanity that we're really talking about is the opposite of the insanity of alcoholism, which is continuing the same type of behavior over and over again, expecting different results. And that kind of ended step one and two. That's really the end of it. And as I say, these convoluted programs of writing about step one and writing about steps two and all this, The book says, if you're not convinced that you're an alcoholic, go out and try some controlled drinking. Try it a few more times. Maybe a good case of the jitters will be worth it. There is a softer, easier way. By reading the doctor's opinion, we find out what type of alcoholic we are, we learn about alcoholism, and in reading the rest of the first four chapters, we will become convinced that we're an alcoholic. If you read the first couple of sentences in Chapter 4, for instance, it gives you a really good chapter to the agnostic. It says, in the preceding chapters we have learned something about alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take you are probably alcoholic if that be the case you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer so all through the first four chapters in the doctor's opinion we get ideas about what alcoholism is all about what an alcoholic is all about and what the uh what we have to do so that pretty well ends step one and two now this is your workshop and i want to work with you so if there's any question at any time please raise your hand a lot of people here are going a lot of different opinions and a lot of different ideas and don't let me intimidate you so you don't just raise your hand and argue about it that's fine he's being taped yes if you want to argue with a tape for you that's good son of a what do you mean by that i'll write him a letter i didn't put my address on the tape and now so what i do now one of the purposes of this workshop is to make you people better sponsors and i think the one fault that we all have or tend to have in sponsorship is that we listen to all of this crap from these people that were sponsoring until i put the phone in the drawer i've i had used to have one recording that just said I said, mm-hmm. Wow. And I just, I see. Oh, boy. And I'd just put the recording on and go get some tomato juice and come back and pick it up, and they're just still going on. So what I do now is I insist that everybody that's in the steps that's gone through the program with me, and I'm helping, when they call me, they must have, in fact, anybody that calls me insists they have three things a pencil piece of paper and a big book in front of them someone that's calling with a problem i insist that they have it written down i'll say wait a minute wait wait do you have this in writing oh well no i don't well okay write about it call me back and you'll take a two-hour convoluted conversation and reduce it to about five minutes and we can get into the solution real fast because what we end up doing is just wasting a lot of time. So I say a lot of these meetings, I suppose the government's going to close them because they become toxic waste dumps. And if dumping worked, psychiatry, psychology and therapy would work. Talking to another alcoholic would work but it doesn't. It takes all four steps in order to get this thing done. So the first thing I do is when somebody calls me I ask them if they think they're an alcoholic then I ask him why and I usually if they have not taken the 20 questions I read the 20 question and these are on these little cards that are in most of the meetings and I'll do it orally because our book says I must be convinced that this other person is an alcoholic before I work with them I can't work with a drug addict or an overeater or an obsessive gambler or any of the rest of these because I don't identify with them I don't have this obsession. So my business is helping alcoholics, and that's what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, of course, the first clue to that is on the title page of our book, which says AlcoholicsAnonymous. And a lot of people miss that. They think we've become a panacea for all the diseases of mankind. There are some 250 disciplines now that are using our 12 steps. it's absolutely incredible Alzheimer's Anonymous, Former Felons Anonymous Parents Without Partners Anonymous because it works it's a formula that works for any obsessive compulsive behavior if the people know how to apply it most of the rest of them don't apply it they just give it lip service because their lives don't depend on it alcoholics' lives depend on how we work on this program how he'd worked this program and so if considering they are they are convinced now also on page 292 you'll see where dr bob works through all the steps with an another alcoholic in a few hours in one afternoon this is the way the old-timers did it on page 13 of the big book bill wilson himself goes through all 12 steps steps, with the exception of the formal writing of an inventory and the actual knocking on the doors making amends. He goes through all the rest of the steps right there in his hospital bed in one afternoon. When I decided to get my pilot's license again a number of years ago, and I analogize the program and the operation of it a great deal with flying because I found a lot of similarities. I went out to the airport. I found guy with a big thick log book representing about 10,000 hours of flying. I said, I'd like to get my license again renew it, actually bring an update and he said, let's go flying I said are you crazy? I said shouldn't we go to some discussion meetings on Compass first and he says well no, it generally points north hadn't seen mine I said well certainly we ought to go to some book study meetings on Artificial Horizon And he said, no, just keep the blue side up. And I said, well, what if the brown side gets up? He said, Well, let go and let God. It sounded like the program to me. So we went flying, and we experienced every single principle of aerodynamics in one hour. And we experienced how the instruments worked in concert with the controls, and how the controls worked in concept with the control surfaces. And how the surfaces reacted to the airstream. And if we just practiced left rudder you'd have someone else here. So it all has to happen at once. And yet you'll hear people stand at these podiums and say, well, I numbered them so that we'd work them in order. They numbered them so they'd know how many there were. That's why they numbered them. The newest newcomer comes in, admits he's an alcoholic, and goes and pleads with his wife to forgive him, and he's already at step nine, so what can I tell you? It all works together as a operational unit, and it has to. So we move through it, And one day, we get all of the principles operational. And then we go back to ground school and we pick up the big book and we go through it. We go to book study meetings. We go discussion meetings. We go sharing meetings. We go stand-up podium participation meetings. We go speaker meetings. And it's the same thing we do in flight school. We go ground school. We join a pilot's organization. We start talking to other people experiencing different things because until Windshear was discussed by a lot of people, We didn't even know what it was. And then when we started taking off behind the jets, I'm just a private pilot flying a single engine. We didn' t know what jet turbulence was. A lot of people were getting hurt seriously and killed. And so the same thing happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. But we need to know all of the principles so that we can practice them all at once. So the next thing I ask a person is to turn to page 60. And on page 60 it says, which is read at every single AA meeting, I said that our description of the alcoholic, chapter of the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas. Yes? Are you waving at me or a question? Why do you? And it says that personal adventures before and afterwards make clear three pertinate ideas. A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. B, that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. and see that God couldn't what if he were sought not found just suck that is steps one two and three then I asked them if they're convinced of that beyond any shadow of a doubt without any evasion in mind or body within them whatsoever if they say no I'm really not convinced they tell them fine go back and read the doctor's opinion first four chapters call me back when you are convinced I'm not going to mess with you unless you can admit to your innermost self that you're an Why should I? My business is saving lives of alcoholics. If they say they are convinced, I ask them to read the next sentence. I think that they should read that at every meeting. It says, being convinced of this, being convinced to these three ideas, we were at step three. So Bill tells us all through the book where we are in our program, where we need to go, and where we've been. We were at Step 3. That's it. that's the end of one and two there's no more discussion about it we turn the page over twice there's a prayer for step three and most people do not understand what step three says in fact in your book I would make a note in the margin beside well, I do a couple things in the step two right after sanity I would put the word honesty In the first step, I would put our lives had become unmanageable. I would underline had. Yes, question? Yeah, if this is, how are you convinced? You just take them on their word, yeah, I believe. But at that point when they're on the phone and you really want to get... Question is, How do I know that they're convinced? If they are not convinced, they will not continue with the work. I will give them the next assignment and they will now call back. Okay. Simple as that. If they're legged and broken, they're not going to go put it in a cast. Well, unless they're Al-Anon. Untreated Al-Ansons. I should add that always because then I get attacked by these ladies of perpetual revenge. And after will and lives in step three, I suggest you put thinking and actions because this is in direct accordance to Step 11, as we'll cover in a short time. So what Step 3 says is made a decision to turn our thinking and our actions, our will and our lives, over the care of God as we understood it. Now, I love the guy that came up with the idea if you had three toads or frogs on a lily pad and two of them made a decission to jump off, how many would be left? Three is exactly right. they just made a decision they didn't do a damn thing until I actually climbed in the cockpit with this fool and we went flying my decision had meant nothing and so we then get on our knees and we do step three and I do it over the phone across the continent a lot of times hold hands with people if they're there with me and it's a really genuinely satisfying experience and then I hear people say well I do step 3 every day or Step 1, 2, and 3 every day. What they've told you really is they're getting ready to start, to commence, to begin and they haven't done anything. And the ones that do Step 3 every day, I'm amazed because that doesn't work because Step 3 asks God to do everything and that won't work. He wants us to do it and that is why the prayers for Step 7 and Step 10 and 11 work because we're asking his help to give us the strength to do it for ourselves those prayers work step three won't work that's just a decision so we do the prayer and then i have them turn over to the top of page 64 and on the top of phase 64 is a paragraph that most people do not know exists in the big book it says though our decision i'm going to paraphrase it and shorten it in one sentence Though our decision in step three was a vital and necessary one, which means it's rather important, it would have little lasting effect, which is kind of zero, unless followed at once by a searching and fearless moral inventory. At once. That's now. And so, in five minutes of conversation, we're at the inventory. If they're convinced, we've done step three. Now it says the decision was useless and let's follow that one. Now we're at the inventory. Does anybody have a question about that and how fast we arrived there? Okay. Now we've got to pick up the 900-pound crayon. And now we can turn to the workbook and turn to this. Turn to the first page. Question, yes. no no question was and correct me if i'm wrong is what do you do with somebody you're sponsoring who doesn't believe in a higher power is having trouble in that area is that a okay step three says came to believe it doesn't tell you when what I'm going to say is this that once we reach page 75 and we have been through the inventory and we've been through step 5 the glaring magical promise is there we begin to have a spiritual experience and then the belief will come I cannot believe that a plane is going to fly until I get into it i can study all the aerodynamics all of the lift and and geometry of the airfoils and to this day i do not know how that damn jet gets off the ground it's too a bumblebee cannot fly the physics the law of physics and aerodynamics make it impossible for the airfoil of a bumblebee to fly he does not know that so he just beats his wings faster and flies and i'm convinced that somewhere there's a man taking massive vitamins standing in his garage flapping his arms faster and faster because he doesn't know he can't fly does that answer your question okay so we just have to be patient with them and i'll throw all these arguments at you to keep from doing this stuff you just say wait it will happen you will come to believe unfortunately book doesn't say you will come to belief when you reach page 75 they may not even then although it's promised but if we continue uh the work taking the steps and I don't know anything about working the steps I mean God people went well it's easy I mean it's simple but it's hard I wouldn't do it I'm into softer easier believe me and this is the softer easier way pick up a pencil and let's start doing it and so on the first page we have all of the directions out of the big book of how to actually get into the inventory. Now, I mousetrap the people that I'm working with. They don't, many of them know what they're doing. I had a guy a number of years ago call me from New York and he was from Brooklyn, had a terrible accent, I could hardly understand. They didn't talk English back there. And he says, I heard one of your step study things. you said you could move someone from step 1 into step 9, 10, 11 and 12 in one day and that's bullshit I've been sober 5 years 5 years I said wow you really sound angry I learned that's child psychology feed it back to him damn right I'm angry I said wow i said you got a big book there and he said well yeah i said we'll get it so he went and got i said do you have a pencil and piece of paper and he's said yeah and i said well why don't you read those abcs and he read them i said are you really convinced of that and he said yeah i'm convinced and and i had him do step three i didn't tell him what we're doing I just said, turn to this page and we'll get down on our knees. And I want you to read this. He said, how do you feel? I said, I don't feel all right. I'm still pissed. I said well that's okay. I said I tell you what. Why don't you take that pencil and piece of paper and write down a list of all the people you're angry at. People, places, things, principles, institutions, philosophies. You find that in the first paragraph on that page in the workbook. And call me back. And he did that. Then I had him make a list of everything he was angry at, and he called me back. And then I said, now make a lista of everybody that you've harmed. And when I'm working with somebody, I'll combine step four with step eight so that I write down everybody they've harmed physically, emotionally, financially, occupationally, socially, and spiritually, and sexually. And so I combined the sex inventory with the four-step inventory, so we got the whole thing in one bottle of waxing, and I really moved fast. And I said, make that list and call me back. He called me back, he says, well, it made a terrible mistake. He says, what do I do now? And I say, I don't know. I said. I tell you what. Why don't you write a couple of sentences about why you're angry and call me back? And he did that. And we did it on fear. And then we got into the harms. And I says, why don't read a couple sentences about what happened? What happened? That's the direction in the book. and call me back and call me back. And I said, wow, I said that's great. And we discussed all of this stuff and we looked into it and we saw what his part was in it and we closely examined it and we found out what he might have done differently and we wrote down the character defects. And then, uh, and I said, well, you know, you've been around the program five years. You've probably made two or three amends already, haven't you? Oh, you're damn right. And I'm like, yeah, and I said well, you're into step nine, ten, eleven, and twelve now and i swear to god this is what he said quote what about the stem inventory you're supposed to do so i mousetrap them now and they do it in six segments just like that just like i explained make a list why do i do that i said i don't know make a listen call me back on page two three and four we've got the lists if you have anything to add to it why I'd appreciate it so that if they're having trouble with the list well you can start right out talking to them on the phone and say well why don't you put one thing that I would add to this list is I ask them I say put your name first then put your mother and father whether you had one or not and then as they're Reading their fifth step, I try to come up with a solution for each individual item on their inventory. Just sitting there listening to somebody read this long litany of items is not really what it is. That's not really sponsorship. and I combine in the fifth step parts of what the book says in the fourth step that we look back on our lives and we see where we were at fault what our part was what we might have done different where were we selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate dishonest, fearful, etc. and I work with them on the fifth steps because lots of times they can't see it. And if they've got a 50-page thing down there, don't worry because after the third page, it's all going to be ditto marks. And so we begin to share this thing. And the solutions that I try to come up with are these. What we're trying to do with this inventory is get rid of the guilt, shame, and remorse of the past and get rid the fear of the future so we can live in the present and that way it's not going to continually eat at us so that we'll have to pick up a drink of alcohol again this is one of the major purposes of this inventory and the fifth step so uh if uh and lots of times these people that they have a resentment with are what people what i call poison people and they're simply people you cannot have in your life because of the way they are and like if your best friend is a heroin addict that's you know in your mailbox every morning you just can't be around them and it's a curious thing that the longer we get as soon as we start doing something about our disease of alcoholism these bosom buddies that we have begin to fall away because they realize that we are doing something about a problem that they can't do anything about. And they're looking at a mirror and they can stand it. And you can tell if one of your friends is a true friend or not. And the way you tell is this. If this person that you've been associated with for a long time, or whatever, says, well, one drink won't hurt, or he asks you in any different way three times to have a drink, he's the enemy. He is an alcoholic. Your true friends will be so happy that you are doing something about your problem. They will be 100% supportive. I have a question for you, Ted. What do you do with the novel writers? Have you gotten some way to get around all that? The novel writers. This happened when the old-timers years ago started out with the inventory and they said well you've got to write a biography and what they'd done unfortunately is they'd confused step five with step four and I'm not sure exactly where it says it but it says something about we go back through our lives looking at everything and so they thought that aha, that's what he means he means an autobiography but if you really look at what we just discussed you'll see that there's no way to do that because I instruct them and the instructions are there quite clear write a couple of sentences only that's all we need are triggers okay I absolutely hate my father because he beat me and then in the fifth step we'll find out why he beat you and what your part was in it and what you might have done differently and maybe he's a poison person that was just a blown away alcoholic child abuser and there was no hope and you got out of it as soon as possible and there'll be no way of making amends to somebody like that they're so self-centered and still so sick so the book says the only thing we can do with these people is pray for them and later on in the workbook you'll see the prayer from page 552. this is the only things that i've taken beyond page 164 which is the program but out of that story freedom from bondage comes the greatest prayer that that I've ever seen to get rid of a resentment. And it says we pray for the person to have everything that we want for ourselves, and we do it for two weeks. I had a person that I had to do that with for two years that had done great damage to me and my family. And I have to tell you honestly that when somebody damages me or my family, I am fully capable of first-degree premeditated murder, drunk or sober. And I had him say that prayer for two damn years. And I met him at a cocktail party a number of years later and I said, hi, how are you doing? And I checked inside where I live and there was nothing. And then he started to tell me how he was and I really don't give a damn. And I check inside again and there's nothing. From first degree premeditated murder to zero. That's how powerful that prayer is. So if there's no hope, I have them pray for him. If they're deceased, I have him write a letter. I never have a person write a letter until they're through the primary grieving process which takes about four to six months. And once they're beyond this phase where they feel comfortable, then I have them write a letter to this deceased person and the directions are specific. I'm not one of these people that believes in closure and saying goodbye and all of that final stuff. I sponsor a little gal in Redondo and she lost her baby boy when he was four years old. He would be about 14 now, and she writes him a letter three or four times a year. And when I see her, I can always tell that she's written that letter, a new one. And she just kind of keeps him current with what's going on in their life. They're growing together. And there's a light in her eye and a smile on her face and a comfortable look about her living with an unsolved problem, the death of her son. And so the directions are specific. Write the letter, put in that letter everything to this person that you always wanted to say and never had time. All the things you always want to share and somehow never could in the first person, just like they were there, because maybe they are. And when you're finished with this letter, go some quiet place in the evening is good. It doesn't matter where you go as long as it's quiet and read that letter out loud to them just like they were there because maybe they are and when you're finished burn it and there's something symbolic in that that will have a massive effect on you I promise and it will set you free and it's never finished you can always do it again whenever you're moved to do that and it is a magic thing and so I try to handle each one of these things like one of the fears and maybe, for instance, my fear of height. And I had to write about it and I had to share about it. And look back and finally I realized that it was my parents yelling at me that if I climbed up there I would kill myself. If you get up in that tree you will die. And I finally had to do what the book says and I have to replace that terror with a new faith, a new found faith. And I was able to take that on the chairless and into the gondolas and be free forever of height. I built a little project down in Riverside not too long ago, too many years ago, and nothing pleased me more than to be able to stand on top of that 30-foot structure and look straight down and walk the girders and have no fear of height because it was one of the greatest freeing experiences that I've had as a direct result of you loving people and the magic program of Alcoholics Anonymous There's proof in my life that we can overcome everything, that if we apply the formula. Any questions so far? All right. I'm going to move a little bit rapidly because they put a time constraint on us that's rather difficult to work with because they are going to begin the seating at around 530 for the banquet. The banquet is not going to start actually until 6, and each one of you has an assigned seat if you have a ticket for the Banquet, So you needn't really worry about it. But I know that some of you want to go and change and so forth. And so at about another half an hour, I think we'll have a little short break. If you want one, I'll ask for a raise of hands and grab a cigarette or whatever. And then we'll try and close it up pretty quick. So I'm going to move much more rapidly than I normally do. But again, if you have a question, please raise your hand because I don't want anybody to leave with anything unanswered if I'm able to answer it. And so we go through the resentments, and we find out why they're resentful and all of the things according to the big book, and the page references are there in the workbook. Then we go Through the Fears. Yes? I can't hear you up here. Oh, the question was would I tell you what I told her to put in the letter that she wrote to her son and what she was to write about. I never do that. It's none of my business. All I tell them to do is simply write a letter sharing the things they always wanted to share and never had time, telling them the things that they always wanted to intimately talk about and somehow never could. I never see that letter. That letter is between this person and their God and the person that's died. And always, it is a fantastic result. I hope that answers your question. I do not tell them what to put in it. That will come from their own heart. In fact, I'll tell them I don't know what they'll write about because I have no idea. Okay? Just write it. I'll show you how to start the letter. Dear John, some asshole told me to write this and I know that it won't work and it makes absolutely no sense at all and I feel like an idiot doing it because you're dead, but. And when you hit that word, but, you'll know what to write. Because there it'll be. Okay, so maybe that will help. Yes, question? Would that be effective also for someone who's alive that you can't communicate with? The question was, would that be affective for someone that's alive that you cannot communicate for one reason or another? Absolutely. Absolutely, because it displays the willingness to satisfy that requirement. Absolutely works, no question. Sure. All we have to do is be willing to make the amends, yes. So does that mean if... What if I think that they're not willing? I mean, but it's this way, and I'm not trying to avoid it. Yes, you are. The question was, what if I don't think that they're willing or they're going to, you know... The book is quite clear. Read the six pages on amends because it says it's none of our business what their reaction is, okay? And that quite often we'll be surprised when we make the amends. Yes, question? Isn't it important that you talk about reading this letter, that you be by yourself when you do that? Absolutely, by yourself. That's between you and your God and the deceased or the person you can't reach. A very private thing because there will be in that letter There will be things that are so intimate that you would not want to share them with anybody. Yes? What if the person that you need to write a letter to is one of these poison people, or the person you need make amends to is somebody who would be a poison person? What if he's a poison man? What if it's the person you want to write the letter to is one these poison person and you can't do anything? I wouldn't write him a letter. I would just use that prayer on page 552 and pray for them. Our deal is to get rid of the resentment for ourselves Because these people have harmed us. There's no amends you can make to them. If you want to write them a letter, fine, none of this stuff will hurt. Use all the ammunition you can get to get free. Hacksaws and dynamite. Yes, question clear in the back. Please speak up. No, no. The question was if one of these people damaged us, I said in the inventory we have to look at what our part was, what we might have done differently. What I was saying is that we can't make a relationship with them. what amends do you owe the son of a bitch if you owe an amends to them yeah if your part has been if you kept breaking his foot and he kept hitting you in the head with a hammer yeah your part of it was that you shouldn't have broken his foot you need to make an amend for that to do what you're saying, get it out of the map. I would suggest that, yeah. We just try to free ourselves first. What we're also trying to do is see what our behavior pattern was so that we won't have to repeat this again in the future. Okay? So then in the And that kind of covers the sexual inventory and the financial inventory. And in the sexual inventories, to be very, very honest, probably 85% of the women that I sponsor through the steps have been the victim of rape or incest, some brutal sex, child abuse. Probably 75% of them. Men that I sponsored through the step, same thing. And so you're going to need to find somebody in your fifth step that you can share this with very intimately, and you'll find that almost all of us have some experience or another of this type. But we are only as sober as our secrets. And if you keep this secret, you will not be sober by definition. And so that's—I used to have a definition of sobriety here. So that's where we're trying to go with this whole thing. Then after the inventory is finished, the fifth step, then we need to move on instantly with steps six and seven. And this is again a place where most people falter. They will do the fifth stop and then they will procrastinate. And I don't know why, because Steps 6 and 7 are so simple. There is only one paragraph on each one of those steps. It's at the top of page 76. And there's just one little paragraph on both of them. And Step 6 is simply becoming willing to ask God to help you with this deal. And Step 7 is just asking Him. And we certainly asked Him for plenty before. And the prayer for the seventh step prayer is right there on page 76. And now willing that you should have all of me, good and the bad, until you do that, and let that be the end of it. And now you have your list for step eight that comes from your step four. The people that you've harmed physically, emotionally, MAYBE SOCIALLY, MAYBE OCCUPATIONALLY, MAYBE FINANCIALLY OR SEXUALLY. YOU HAVE YOUR LIST. AND SO STEP EIGHT IS AUTOMATIC RESULT OF STEP FOUR. SO YOU CAN PASS RIGHT THROUGH THAT REAL QUICKLY. QUESTION? Well, Glenn was talking about one character defect that you'd like to give up but just can't. And there again, if you're really honest and the prayer becomes specific, he said, God, please take away all of these defects except this one. because I really like masturbating and well then I'm going to do it he told me I'd go blind well I'm not going to sacrifice one eye anyway it's just a C we're self-will run riot people we are willful people and if there's a character defect that you don't want to give up don't give it up until it starts to kill you but see look at how much ahead of the game you're going to be if you give up all the rest we're not perfect it doesn't say we're striving for perfection Well, the question was, if I cut all that stuff loose, what would be left? In your case, I was going to make a joke, but don't encourage it. Who cares what's going to be left? I mean, it's... I'll get your question in the back in a second. Yeah. The question was, if I try and let go of all these character defects, what's gonna be left. My suggestion is, go for it. Let's gamble and see. It's kind of like the newcomer sharing with his sponsor. And he says to his sponsor, well, you know, I prevaricated occasionally and I'll say what do you mean he said well I didn't really tell the truth on certain instances and then I'll see what you mean by that he says well god damn it I lied several times and you say okay and what they're doing is they're firing little test questions at you to see how you'll react to see if they can trust you that's all and if that one passes okay then they'll get into something a little bit deeper and I find the same thing with the character defects give them up one at a time you know it may take you four or five hours and keep looking in the mirror I make jokes of this because really if we don't have fun with it we're not going to do it have fun with the inventory I really pissed off at that son of a bitch here's what he did write in heavy black crayon and have some fun with it because it's gentle and it's loving and it is God given and it has magic and if we make a big travesty out of it a great big horrible job it is hard it is not hard it is busy work we found out exactly how long it takes to do an inventory seven years in one afternoon the ones that didn't laugh haven't thought about it We had a question at the clear at the back of the room, yes. I can't hear you, I'm sorry. You did your inventory? Give me an example of a character defect that became an asset. You talk a lot? HOW HAS THAT BECOME AN ASSET? LET ME GIVE YOU A SUGGESTION. IF YOU ASK QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF TALKING, YOU WILL ADVANCE TWICE AS FAST. Then it's no longer a character defect. Ask him to modify it slightly. Let me talk to you after the meeting about it. The thing is, don't make a big deal out of it. If you can take a liability and turn it into an asset, that's great. Who's to say whether it's a character defect or not? The character defects are pretty well defined. They're defined as greed and lust and if you're obsessive about it and so forth. That's one thing. Yes, another question? Yeah, there's a proper way to make an amends to a person. I'll give you an idea. It's my own and I think an ammends by saying I'm sorry is not an ammens and it's an excuse and again, it's a program of action and I'd think that unless the ammens is incorporated with some action, it is not of any effect. And so my approach to making an amend is this. I am so sorry that this happened and that I created this problem. What would you have me do to make it right? What would have me to do to it right?" And I was a top troubleshooter in the burglar alarm business for a number of years, and When we got a complaint, it was because they were burglarized and the damn system didn't work. I'm sorry it didn't look like that. It didn't really work. I'll tell you, I'm going to be over there in about 25 minutes. Would you take a piece of paper and a pencil and go around the warehouse and office and make a list of all of the damage and what was taken and what you think we might do to make it right? And the guy would go from rage, go through this little inventory. He didn't know he was doing an inventory. And when I'd get over there, invariably he would say, it's not as bad as I thought. And then I would say, what would you have me do to make it right? I never made an excuse. What would you Have Me Do to Make It Right? Does that answer your question? Pardon me? Okay, another question here. And what if the demands were unreasonable? Negotiate. What if the commands were unreasonable, negotiate. I can't possibly do that. Now we've had our little joke, what will make sense? A thousand dollars a week for a broken toe is ridiculous. We all know that. Negotiate. Our deal is to get rid of our guilt somehow. And we're not going to make some people extremely happy with it. We've got to do what we can do. But we can't shackle ourselves down to... Again, the directions in the big book on amends are quite explicit. There's about six or seven pages on them, and I would recommend reading that before anybody makes an amend. A great many people think that sharing guilt is making an amend If you've been philandering around and seeing other women on your wife and all that, don't tell her. I've seen relationships and marriages destroyed by people suddenly thinking that abject honesty is making amends. And I have to tell you that honesty without compassion is brutality. And you will hurt people much more with honesty than you would be if you kept quiet. And the book, again, is quite clear about that. It just says that. I've paraphrased it. And so we're – yes? So I'm making amends. And I had this happen to me as one of my sponsors. I'd stolen a great deal of money. Money was not his. The book is quite explicit. It says we may even face jail. There is an example in the book about a similar case where making amends would take a man from his family and so forth, and not allow him to support them. And so they would fall in the category of others being damaged. Those are extremely individual and terribly difficult things to deal with. I would absolutely not just abjectly rush right in and say, well, you know, I want to pay for the million dollars. I honestly couldn't give you an answer. This guy's got to find something that he can live with comfortably, and then I wouldn't know what that would be. I really don't know, in sponsoring this guy, what I would be able to advise. I would have to take it to prayer. I would Have to take It to advisement from others, and I ultimately would have to leave it to him to make the decision and make the peace with himself and his God. Because if I made a recommendation in an area like that, it might be wrong. And I don't want to tamper with somebody's life like that. We have to be very, very careful in sponsoring to use compassion and understanding and seek advice and realize that we're not all things to all people. Very difficult, and sometimes I wish that I'd never heard some of those fifth steps, believe me. A man one time sat in a restaurant and told me he committed three murders and he'd engineered the murder of three other people in prison, and it was very difficult evening, very difficult evening. Any other questions? Yes? AUDIENCE MEMBER 6 If you've committed a theft over an illegal product, how do you suppose you're making amends to the person who did it? DR. If you have committed a theft over and illegal product well if you stiffed your drug dealer, change your name. I had this very thing happen with a guy that I sponsor, and his drug dealer, it was exactly that. It was a drug deal, and he'd stolen the money. And 15 years had passed by, and this guy was very upset in the beginning. He drove by, it's one of the first drive-by shootings in Houston 15 years ago, and filled the house with very high-velocity machine gun fire with his parents. And I had him write the guy a letter, and I had them put in it just exactly what I said. You know, what would you have me do to make it right? Because this guy's terrified to go home and see his parents. He's afraid this guy'd been lurking, you know, and waiting for him. And the guy said, well, he says, I'm really down on my luck, and if you could send me a couple of hundred, I'd really appreciate it. That was the end of the deal because our mind will make movies out of this stuff that'll make it 100 times bigger. So there again, I don't know. Write a letter, send it from somebody else's address. You've got to find out where you are with this first. If it's an illegal product, you are not legally bound to do anything. The whole contract was illegal. But if you're frightened for your life or your well-being, then we've got a different situation. Here again, we have a very specific case and I can't give you an off the head answer yes paying money back anonymously and why would you want to do that why would he want to make it anonymous pardon me again if you want pay the money back anonymously in your comment come to peace with with your God in your your understanding and your feelings I find nothing wrong with that I'm not here to criticize anybody but I'm here to do because I will not make moral judgments. Your morality is your morality. A cannibal's morality is eating people. If I tell him that's wrong, he's going to die. I don't have to agree with it, but I don' t have to make any judgments. So I make no judgments on people's morality at all. This is your own dealing with your own feelings and your own modified or new morality coming into a spiritual program called Alcoholics Anonymous and sending an anonymous amends. I've had people give a $1,000 donation to AA, all kinds of stuff. There are answers for everything if we really search for them and if we're willing to go. Yes, clear the back of the room? Is there a chapter on how to make amends in the big book? Absolutely. Is there is a chapter about how to do that? Is there on how-to-make-amends in a big book yet? It's the chapter, Chapter 6. Most people think it says into activity, but it says into action. And it starts happening right on page 76 and it carries through 76, 77, 78, 79. IT GOES CLEAR OVER TO 83, ALL DIRECTIONS ON MAKING AMENDS, CITING EXAMPLES AND SO FOR ALL. YES, RIGHT HERE. CAN YOU TOUCH ON WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE WORKING WITH PEOPLE THAT HAVE MADE AMENDITS AND THEY WERE NOT RECEIVED VERY WELL? THE BOOK AGAIN IS QUITE EXPLICIT. THE QUESTION WAS WHEN ARE YOU WORK WITH PEEPLE AND THEY'VE MADE MEN'S AND THE RESULTS WERE NOT SATISFACTORY. THE BOOK SAYS IT IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS HOW THE OTHER PERSON RECEIVES US. WE ARE THERE TO CLEAR UP OUR SIDE OF THE STREET. YES, CLEARS THE BACK. . HOW DO YOU MAKE AMENDS TO SOMEONE THAT'S WHAT? . WELL, HOW DO I MAKE A MENSE TO A PERSON WHERE you were too honest, what do you think would be the thing to do? You're tough. I'd just go and tell him, you know, if my honesty hurt you, I'm sorry, and is there anything that I can do to make it right? I'll babysit with my kid until he's 18. It's simple. It's hard to do sometimes. Write them a letter. Tell them you screwed up and ask them to tell you what to do. You need to ask them what they want you to do, is what we have to do in that case. to heal it. Yes, here. Making amends to a blank. You'll think about it in a minute. I'm going to move ahead and I want to move over now to something that I helped develop and we're going to move over now to page 5 and I have written down there the instincts this came right from chapter 4 in the 12 and 12 it's not important that you read them right now but the 12and12 and the big books say that our instincts run amok were our entire problem with life. Now, on page 6 is a diagram of page of chapter 4 in the 12 and 12. And that's this diagram here which has the two circles on it. Are we all on the right page? Now, this I stole from Joe and Charlie's Big Book Comes Alive seminar. And it's a really neat thing. I don't know. Can everybody see this white mark on the blackboard? Okay, well then maybe we can use it. I'm going to move it over here. It'll probably collapse. Move it right over here, okay that's good. Move that back a little bit. SOMEHOW I HAVE TO GET THE MICS AND THE RECORDING MIC TO WORK HERE, IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT. that recording microphone over there picking up okay here okay all right we got three basic instincts that are god-given we've got the social instinct an instinct for security and instinct for procreation or a sex instinct those are God given were born with them if you took a bunch of kids and put them on a desert island they'd form a little group for social instinct then they'd make a a little cave or a stockade for security and without any direction or instruction they'd begin to procreate because those are god-given instincts now if one of these instincts is threatened or damaged we have one other god-driven instinct and that is survival so we've got security we've got social and we've got sexual here if one or more of those is threatened or damaged the result is survival it is the basic instinct that lies on the premortal brain stem the lizard mind which means fight or flee that's it and the reaction is okay if one of these instincts is threatened or damaged we have a fourth instinct called survival and that is fight or flight and it happens automatically, we have no choice fight translates itself into three, into two definitions, resentments and harm to others. And those are at the bottom of the page. Flight or fear flight is translated into fear. So, if one of these basic instincts is threatened or damaged, we immediately go into survival here. Survival translates into flight, harm to others, or resentments, or flight, fear, and we run away. Any questions? You have no choice at all. Now, if we become obsessive in any single area of these basic instincts, if we becomes obsessive, all other character defects raise their head. This is the cause of the character defects. We become selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, dishonest, gluttonous, all the rest of them. Any question? Obsessive in any area, and you can look at the chart here. If we become obsessive in prestige, wanting to be recognized, pride, personal relationships, the ambitions that we might have socially. If we've become obsessives in the security instincts, if we become obsessed with our ambitions, our emotional security, our material, we become workaholics or whatever. and our sex instincts we can have all kinds of things can run them up so the basic character defects the three basic ones which are harms to others resentments and fear are the result of a threat or a damage real or imagined to our basic instincts and all the other character defects come from an obsession with one of these character defects So on this single page, we have the answer to all of our problems. Why do I feel this way? I feel it because I'm not alone. I feel that way because this is what happened. And I pick up the pencil and I write about what went wrong because I am now in step 10. We have spent, what, one hour and we're already in step ten. Continue to take personal inventory. No. Bill did not say put it in writing, but if you, he figured we had a third grade education and if he had, so all he said was continue to take inventory. And the definition in the dictionary of an inventory is a written list. If you had a job in a warehouse taking an inventory and the boss said you're doing a good job, why go ahead with it? And you threw away the pencil and paper you would have thrown away your job so the first half of step 10 is continued to take personal inventory that is steps four five six and seven we must write it we must share it with somebody because it says that in the book we must become willing to ask god to help us with it and we must ask him all four steps any question yes Same thing, self-centeredness. Any of the character defects. Self-centered comes from an obsession with one of these instincts. Any one of them that is self-centred. Yes? The answer was do I do it daily? I try to. The Big Book says we do it every day. Share it with somebody. Absolutely. That's a quote right from the Big Book. i'll give you the page definition the page references in a minute this is where almost everybody fails in their program yes question your daily obsessions could change exactly that's why a daily inventory is necessary as we see our lives changing and our obsession changing and you know i may be obsessed with sex today and and with money tomorrow i want to just try and do the best i can to modify all of this stuff and get to a point where i'm basically well i don't want to really be serene you want to be careful about praying for serenity because the first time you wake up awake and totally serene you will think you're in a suicidal depression because in serenities see nothing's happening It's like somebody sitting there by an azure blue, placid, calm little pond of water Totally serene And an Al-Anon has piled some rocks beside you And you begin to think I wonder how big a wave I can't stand serenity We're not used to serenety That's the middle line We're used to either, you know, high elation or suicidal depression. We're not used to just, oh yeah, another great day in paradise. What can I do now to screw it up? Dance on some tables and shoot out some lights. Ram the guy in front of me, that'll be exciting. You know, count the items in the basket in front of you in the checkout line. That was good for a good resettlement. Managers, I got 14 goddamn items here! I'm only supposed to have 12! So this is why we gotta do the damn inventory every night. Now, as you progress, you won't find stuff to write every night It simply says we look back over our day asking ourselves where have we been selfish, self-centered and considered dishonest and sober? if we have we got to write it now the secret to happiness is keeping current with our feelings does anybody want to take a break okay the secret the happiness is keep me current with our feeling see if I'm current with my feelings that means I have no guilt shame or remorse in the past and no fear of the future no no any anybody an amend over here I'm pretty okay with me and the god within i'm fine just thank you this is my job in life and if i am that way i'm not going to ever have to drink again why should i my emotions will not tower to the point where they will shut off my reason and the test will apply the test says there'll come a time in the life of every underlying alcoholic where there'll be no mental defense against taking the first drink and this is where these asses that say well i just don't drink no matter what the graveyards are full of them until he drank why did he drink because he reached that emotional stage of pain where the logical mind shut off and he went into what we call a whiteout this happens to all of you all of the time you were never realizing it department never realized it driving down the street how many of you raise your hands have driven along four or five blocks in my case three or four days and had no conscious knowledge of your driving along you just turn around saying jesus i went 18 blocks back that's a whiteout you're an automatic goddamn pilot now if at that moment all of your emotions are towering and the pain of the guilt is hurting somebody and the shame of it and cheating on your wife or whatever the hell's been going on and you're not thinking you know what uh the mind goes to the liquor store and you're drinking and that is the definition of the classic slip all the rest of them are programmed drunks and the people that say hey i've got a choice today are there is no choice when there's no mind to choose and that is the classic definition of a slip that is a spiritual slip at that moment i only have one thing that is going to save me a spiritual armor that i have created through these steps that is guaranteed to protect me no matter what a spiritual armour my book tells me that i've got a daily repeat reprieve from the disease of alcohol contingent upon my spiritual condition if i've allowed that armor to rust or decay through complacency oh i don't have to do that i'm 26 years sober what the hell if i have allowed that to decay if i have a lot of crack in that armor if i allow resentment then to begin to accumulate I'm going to tell you something. Five years ago, I had a guy stiff me on a $25,000 bonus now to take him on a ride on the freeway and then open the door and push. If I allow those things to build up, I am creating the environment where I may not have a conscious defense against taking the first drink. Do you understand that? This is something that you very rarely hear explained. I was in a whiteout six months over, a guy came up to me and he put his arm around me and he said, I walked out of a meeting at Ohio Street in West Los Angeles. I don't remember why, I was on a rage when I was newly on the program, didn't know anything about anger. And I had a real serious issue with anybody touching me. me. I could not stand it. And I stormed out of the meeting and said, his story, not mine. Because I found out about seven years later. I went up to him and I said, Ken, he's still on the program. We're good friends again today. For seven years, he avoided me. I'd see him at a meeting and say, hi, Ken. He'd say, oh, hi Ted, I've got to go see somebody and move over here. Finally, I had him trapped in a meeting out in the valley, a breakfast meeting where we were sitting next to each other and I'd say Ken, you know, I know how you've avoided me in our poker games and everything else through the years. And if I've done anything to harm you or hurt you in any way, I'd like to know what it is so that I can make it right and ask you what you'd have me do. And he looked at me in abject dismay, and he said, you've got to be kidding. I said, no, I'm not kidding. He said, you don't remember that night? And then he explained what happened. He says, I got at this meeting on Ohio Street and somewhere halfway through the speaker, which meant there was about 20 minutes left, I just stormed out of the meeting. Now, Ken Farley is a great huge guy. He'd step out at around 6'3", or 4', and probably 250. He is not a guy that I would fight unless I was drunk. And I would not lose that fight unless I slipped running around the corner. So... I was on the boxing team when I was in college and I know how to hit a person. he came up to me and he put his right arm he said is everything alright and he said I wouldn't talk to him so he put His right arm around me which meant He was right here at my left side very dangerous position and at that point He said I hit Him when He came to the meeting was over and people were around Him asking Him what happened and I was gone now I did not know anything about that until seven years later that is a white out At that moment, believe me, I was living in a very, very protected grace of a loving God because I had no program. I promise you that. When I say in my opening talk, in my reopening of all of my talks, that I'm alive and sober today, two different states of being, by the very special grace of the loving God and the loving program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's what I mean. I was protected in those early years by a very special grace, because I had no program. And you people kept me so distracted and so goddamn busy that I didn't even have a chance to think about anything really. I made a terrible mistake with my sponsor. I asked him how many meetings I had to go to, and Rayna was my sponsor, Luke Thomas, And he said, well, how many, did you drink every day? And I said, yeah, I drank every day. Well, you have to go to a meeting every day and then like all alcoholics, I overshot the mark completely and I said well, I drink every night too. So I went to about 700 goddamn meetings the first year and I desperately searched for somebody to help me with this program because it's really buried in the book. It's not as obvious as we're making it this afternoon. We're making a very transparent this afternoon, so that explains the whiteout, and this is the time where you'll need that spiritual armor that needs the daily maintenance to keep it intact, and that's part of the promises in the big book. Like I said, there's about 182 promises in the first 164 pages. any questions yes go in the back I can't hear you I'm sorry Yes, he had a white-out and what step are you on? What do you do about it? There's nothing you can do about except get on your knees and thank God nothing happened. White-out is good in that instance because it demonstrates that your spiritual house is in order you're an automatic pilot your body and your God is not going to let you destroy yourself just because you're on automatic pilot and aren't consciously running stuff okay so don't be afraid of it don't afraid of drunk dreams just wake up grateful I have this dream every once in a while or I'm getting ready to talk at a 5,000 person convention and I'm drunk I'm trying to explain to people how that's okay and i've yet to wake up and remember the explanation you know i gotta tell you 26 years sober i'll be driving down the street and occasionally it'll occur to me that it'd be a really hot day it'd be okay to have a cold beer for me now i found out there's three things you can do with a thought i have no control over this the central cerebral cortex does things without our permission The only thing that has our permission to do anything is the prefrontal lobes in the back of the brain. The back of brain records everything like hearing and sight and smell and touch and all that, and then it reports to the front of the brains and the front brain decides what to do about it. Unfortunately. Oh, I don't think that's really a semi bearing down on us. I think it's an optical illusion. Probably not going 90 miles an hour, probably only 4 miles an hours. hour you've got plenty of time to cross the street bang you're dead central cerebral cortex does things without even having permission think about it you never told your central cerebral cortex to categorize all four wheeled vehicles you never sat down so now a bus has for if I asked you to describe a car you'd come up with something like well it's a pile of metal hung together on four wheels it goes putt down the street and you have made don't know There's no distinguishing it between a golf cart, an ambulance and a fire engine. And yet your central cerebral cortex has categorized all of these elements of transportation so that you instantly recognize all of them. You did it without your permission. So occasionally it comes up with the idea that it would be a good idea to have a drink. And what I do with that is I just thank it for sharing that. If I deny it, I give it power, see? And if I react on it, then I can't talk anymore at AA. But I found out that if I just thank it for sharing that, it takes all the power away. Occasionally it'll occur to me in a movie that it might be just a real zippy idea to rip off my clothes running across the stage flying with myself yelling, Jimmy Dean's alive. I don't have any control over this damn thing. I just say, oh, thank you for sharing That. I'm glad to see you're still on duty up there trying to kill me. absolutely crazy so study step 4 in the 12 and 12 and throw the rest of the book away because it's just a fishing trip Bill didn't even want to write it from my understanding but step 4 in the 11 and 12