Step 8 and 9 Amends – Herb K – Workshop – Part 13 of 25 – Herb

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. My name is Herb and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to our big book, telephone, Zoom, conference call. Please join me in the set aside prayer. God, please set aside everything that I think I know about myself, my brokenness, my spiritual path, and you. For an open mind and a new experience of myself, my brokenness, my spiritual path, and especially you. Please join me in the Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. to really embrace that philosophy in the serenity prayer it's a beautiful deep spiritual authentic organic prayer what can i influence in reality what can't I influence in reality I need both wisdom and strength that's how step 11 ends doesn't it knowledge of God's will for us and the power to do it if I were to neutralize the fourth dimensional vocabulary Larry I would say the knowledge of reality as it is as it really is and navigate that with as much grace and integrity as possible and it's very relevant for us at the stage that we're at in the rocket launch that we've used as a metaphor throughout the time that we've been together really from the beginning the first stage of three-stage rocket launch an experience of powerlessness and a decision about power and for our relationship with power one two three and the second stage identifying and removing the obstacles in us to the light that we made a decision about is in us and available to us and a benefit for us identifying instincts gone awry step four identifying them in step five in such a way that we talk about them in fact revealing every shade of secret and uncomfortability disturbance in a transparent in an effort not perfection but to be transparent and then looking at an inventory of our behavior that comes from those instincts in step six realizing we're powerless and again dropping to our knees figuratively speaking perhaps in complete acknowledgement of our powerlessness and asking for help we're defective and we need to be repaired my creator please repair me well then we quickly got to the third stage of the rocket launch at least in terms of the instructions and sampling of steps eight and nine looking at how those behaviors that we saw in step six are impacting other people another inventory step for an inventory of instincts gone awry step six an inventory of the behavior that comes from those malfunctioning unhealthy coping strategy mechanisms and step eight another inventory of how they those dysfunctional behaviors translate into impact on other people Bill calls them harms so very interface term and it might be better to approach it with a less confrontive term I found it helpful to use the term diminish how did I diminish other people in their physical reality emotional mental financial virtual those are five categories that I believe the 12 and 12 gives us take a a look at areas where might have harmed an institution or people I have suggested mechanically that you use three cards for step eight one card per person or institution so they put on there as much information as you feel to give you a clear understanding of not only the damage done but the probable effective repair that is necessary I suggested that you start with three pieces of information in step eight number one who did I hurt number two what was my behavior that created the harm number three what specifically specifically is the harm in many cases we don't know if the circumstance and the relationship is substantial I have suggested that you ask them if you don't certainly after prayer or after conversations with sponsors and or step guides and or people like therapists or attorneys or accountants specifically trying to determine specifically what was the impact of my behavior my behavior is relevant only in that it created the harm my behavior please my behavior is not gossip that's what you did it's not the harm I stole money that's which you did that's not hard I crashed my car that's your behavior that's nothing I will to my partner that's but you did that's not the harm it's not subtle once you start specifically my behavior is what I do not what I think or feel what I do the harm is the actual measurable impact of my behavior on somebody else in many cases we don't know in some cases we know because they told us in some cases because it's pretty measurable I took $10,000 on a loan 20 years ago and I haven't pretty straightforward and you probably owe interest compounded that's for you in prayer and in conversation with your sponsor and then in conversation with the person who you disadvantaged financially I have mentioned this many times but it's worth mentioning again steps aid and are the only two steps that you could not do on your own I personally believe that oh you could make an effort at it but I don't think it could be effective nor objective because you're the subject and we all tell some slack and our ego isn't yet reduced to its normal size and healthy function that doesn't happen until we finish the ninth step when we finish the nine step we finish at least this phase of the dismantling of the false self I'll speak a little psychologically right now we have spent from all of our lives till this present moment building a mask to be between us and reality people and environment we don't know we've built a mask it's a Hollywood stage front this is who we want people to see this is who we what people to know this is so we people to react to this is Who We Want people think we are some of its conscious most of its mind. Now if you've done a fourth step the way I've described it and experienced it, you've begun to see the false self. You begin to see them you began to see The Hollywood storefront. You've begun to have it dismantled. Here my vocabulary oh you're doing a lot of work but the results are going to be much bigger and disproportionate to your effort because this is a spiritual process not a psychological process this is a relationship with the spirit not a self-development human development process regular math 1 plus 1 equals 2 the spiritual man and the math of the program one plus one equals five I cannot get here from there and yet here I am seeing the unconscious for the very first time my motives and my beliefs despite all my background all my reflections all my training all my education all my therapy all my prior efforts in a a for the first four years in 1988 I didn't know it then I only know it in retrospect as I look back on my experience and try to understand it i see that in fact i penetrated the unconscious in the fourth column i saw my motives and three years later in the third column i got really good instructions those instructions that i've given you i saw My Beliefs for the very first time penetrating the unconscious not ever able to see it through my normal lenses but between the set aside prayer and the process of getting instruction from a sponsor and step guide and doing this work on a diligent can reasonably consistent basis and holding myself accountable to a sponsor and a step guy and going to a step meeting you have a lot of work a lot of moving parts a lot gratitude for the resources that we all that I talked about at the beginning but the wall that I built as a survival wall to protect myself I began to see that that wall was not a protection wall it was a prison wall and through steps four through nine I began to have it dismantled here's the vocabulary again I began to have the wall dismantled oh i took it down brick by brick but i got a lot of help from the bulldozer of a power other than myself and i got specific instructions on step nine those are in assignment 22 the instructions as i've now amalgamed them through the four times i went through the steps with four different step guides as well as my own knowledge and experience adopting and adapting and then in the way of life document page 37 i described the immense process it's a four-part dance this is my summary of trying to make it practical clear instructions make contact with the person and be prepared when you're with the person or on the phone when you make the contact because they may not want to see you they may be willing to talk to you on the bone be prepared to do the dance right there I prefer face-to-face I recommend that it's much more effective because it's It's much more ego-reducing, it's much more embarrassing. That's the whole point. The deflation of the ego at death. That's the whole point of steps four through nine is the reduction of our ego to its normal healthy size so that it's not in the way of our relationship with power and our relationship with ourselves and probably in that order. And the first part is to acknowledge the damage, the regret. I don't like the words, I'm sorry. In fact, the big book says those are really not appropriate words. We know you're sorry. You said it for decades. I use the term regret. I like it. i have no real problem with i'm sorry if in fact it's really sincere and depending on the circumstances vocabulary is important but the intention behind the words is even more important i really regret the past sincerely deeply and i described the harm that i think i did meaning the negative impact on you and then the second part is I ask them is that accurate number one and is there anything else that I didn't describe that you would like to talk about most people are so uncomfortable with this process they just want it over with even spiritual people even especially people in a program it's just like let's get over with and they don't say that. They don't acknowledge that to you perhaps but in their heart of hearts like it's really uncomfortable and you're both in agreement on that it's for the uncomfortable so they're not really interested in a much of a dialogue usually now the exception was my family my two daughters at that time were adults over 21 and both of them in programs one in Al-Anon and one in AA I met with them independently do that please don't meet with your your siblings as a group and don't meet with family as a Group don't be with anybody as the group unless it's appropriate again in prayer and with a sponsor you determine that but I met with each of those daughters and oh when I asked is there anything else that you would like to talk about man were they ready two to three hours later and I'm just listening I'm not defending I'm not explaining I'm putting in context I'm just listening in literally listening with my heart listening with my very being then the third part of the dance is to suggest the amends if i've borrowed stolen money repaying the money maybe offering to do interest on it that's uh get guidance from your accountant and or your sponsor and god certainly in prayer i've had the experience where fathers and mothers or uncles and aunts and grandfathers and grandmothers have said you know we're so glad not not my personal experience but people i work with we're just so glad that you got your life together we actually really don't need any we give you forgiveness of your debt you're done you don't owe the money to them and you don t owe the money to the universe I hear these things in the rooms an age conversation and you can figure out what it is that you believe and what you want and what the instructions you re getting from other people but in the final analysis you're responsible in prayer to come to a decision as to what is justice the right thing to do the balancing of the justice scale if there are people that are dead you can make amends to them my father had been deceased 12 years had been cremated and his ashes spread there was no place that he was in terms of his burial i was given instruction to go to the local cemetery as a see as a symbol and i went there with a pad and paper and i wrote out this four-part dance after praying the set aside prayer after praying for his spirit to be present and i wrote it out in a letter and then I was instructed to read it out loud and they said bring it Kleenex box because I'm a crier I was there for a couple three hours and when I got to that fourth piece is there any other amend that you suggest I'm talking to the wind but I knew my dad's spirit was there and the words were very clear I could hear it not here I could hear it take care of your mother Wow and when I left Simon was free my father was free because I had forgiven I looked up the word forgiveness in a dictionary and it says a decision to release notice the hand gesture a division to release there's a three-page meditation in the way of luck document beginning on page 38 39 and 40 it includes my summary of experience the process of steps four through nine and the forgiveness process as I understood it and experienced it later on I modified it with information from a psychological book by Fred Luskin forgive for good once you've done or are prepared to do ninth step I just can't recommend that book more highly it's the second best book I've ever read in my life that's high recommendation the first is the big book because the big book is an organic effective instruction on human transformation because that's my experience with it this second book that I recommend is the forgive for good book by Fred Luskin he's a professor of psychology a clinical psychologist and he wrote his doctoral dissertation on forgiveness from a psychological standpoint about three years ago he converted it to a a book for us who are not academically schooled or defined so that we could understand the process of goodness and I've included woven his stages of the forgiveness propped into my meditation and I said to him because we did some work together on a panel I said the words are different from psychology to spirituality but the underlying dynamics and principles are identical the words are different but the dynamic and principles the same and he said yeah he says but you 12-step people use so people have a real advantage what's that you have God see I can't bring God he says into my conversation or into my writing I'm a scientist I can only do evidence-based material but your higher power is a mysterious X plus factor that makes it even much more potent process steps form through men I thought that was wonderful humility on his part more about step 9 later I'll share some other experiences we've looked at 10 the big book suggests that we commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past I didn't wait for us to get to step nine in order to do steps 10 11 and 12. In our very first series of workshops we started looking at step 10 an inventory process during the day a spot check inventor when we're disturbed we looked then at step 11 for a prayer meditation practice guidance in the morning and then inventory again at night if we miss something in the daytime through our step 10 we picked up at night in our step 11. that's my understanding mechanically how these two steps interact bill in the 12 and 12 in fact confirms that step 10 and 11 inventory and prayer meditation are hand in glove hand in love is the image he uses they fit organically together because we keep the channel clean and clear so that the light can shine in us and to us and eventually through us and then we looked at step 12 from the standpoint of the mission of this whole journey spiritual awakening Why are we doing this? What is the value? What does the purpose what is the mission? Spiritual awakening in fact, we started with step 12 and Worked our way backwards Step 12 a spiritual awakening step 11 the primary tool of Awakening and staying awake in combination with inventory primary tool for awakening and staying away step 4 was my very first experience truly of transformation of waking up to the fact that I was asleep dreaming that I was awake it's a great phrase not mine comes from Gurdjieff a Russian philosopher so the material on step 10 is outlined specifically from the big book and the 12 and 12 an amalgam of my understanding on uh in the way of life document on pages 42 and 43. the and and in that material from pages 84 and 85 in the big book bill says we're placed in a position of neutrality that's why I have the term recovered in the one schema on page 42 it's the first half of the first step we're placed in a position of neutrality by the time we finish the ninth step bill in the big book says in step 10 there ages 84 and 85 we commenced this way of living that's a phrase that's the slogan that a it captures kind of the essence of the 12-step culture and spirituality a way of life one through nine are not the way of life steps 1 through 9 are the program of recovery steps 10 11 and 12 part of the way of life it's a repetition of steps one or not and it allows us to support sustain and enlarge and improve those are words that are used in the big book our spiritual condition on page 85 bill confirms that we have a daily recruit oh wow we're recovered but he said we're not cured that's in that schema on page two also we're covered referring to the first half of the first step we'renotcured referring tothe second half of first step unmanageability is irreparable our will is inherently defective my will on its own power will choose me we saw that in step one the deaf ones for instance and bill says we can't rest on yesterday's accomplishments our past work we cannot rest on our laurels we have a daily reprieve continue on the maintenance of our spiritual condition now he doesn't mean maintaining It means staying pressed gently up against it, maintenance. Because he uses the word improve in step 11 and above, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact on a daily basis. To improve, that's why I like the dimmer switch. Stay gently pressed up against the dimer switch, stay gently pressed against the dimmer switch it's a wonderful image especially for us perfectionists if i can include myself in that we just we're not going to be perfect but we are going to be consistent inconsistently consistent and consistently inconsistent we're going to just gently stay pressed up against it I show up we'll talk about step 11 down the road in step 12 bill doesn't use the word in the step itself but he has given us the reason for Jim's relapse the guy the car salesman who put little whiskey in his milk said he failed to enlarge his spiritual life and then we looked at Bill's own story on page 14 and at the bottom of that page it tells us what he means by that enlarge your spiritual life if we fail to perfect and enlarge our spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others step 11 is it about improving our consciousness and step 12 is about enlarging our consciousness through compassion actually helping keeping it real simple at its core simple and personal bill says someplace in the big at its core simple and personal how can I help not just in my program but just with my sponsees but in my life the community of humanity couldn't be more relevant to us than it is today how can i be conscious that I'm connected to the community around me what it's physical or not I'm connected in some organic way all right everybody thanks for all your diligence and your work more to be continued next time and let's close with the serenity prayer as I mentioned get really close dig down underneath that serenely prayer it's the prayer of reality wisdom compassion god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference thanks