Step 7 and the Willingness to Not Be Who I Am – Matthew M.

About This Speaker Tape

BBW Los Angeles - 2011

A 108-pound skeleton of a man Matthew M. describes the wreckage of 1993: a pregnant teenage girl he pushed down a flight of stairs a dying mother he promised to visit but never did and a gun under the couch he hoped he had the guts to use. He maps the shift from being an 'animal' to a man who can hold his daughter Phoebe R. without feeling like a beast. The narrative pivots to the discipline of long-term sobriety moving past the novelty of paying bills to the harder work of enlarging his spiritual life. He recounts the slow agonizing process of paying back a $15,000 debt to a man in Mexico City ten dollars at a time and the grace of living with a wife who has severe brain damage. He frames powerlessness not as a tragedy but as a window into a spacious room where he no longer has to manage the chaos of his own existence.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Matthew M. opens by discussing his physical state in 1993 and his 'moral bankruptcy'.
• 4:15 Detailed account of the wreckage: pushing a pregnant girl down the stairs and neglecting his dying mother.
• 8:30 The birth of his daughter, Phoebe R., and the crushing guilt of the 'beast' meeting the 'beauty'.
• 12:45 Discussion on the danger of failing to 'enlarge his spiritual life' as sobriety progresses.
• 17:20 The story of visiting Mike in the ICU and the subsequent spiritual experience.
• 24:10 Laughter: The story of the 'heaven and hell' banquet and the nature of the disease.
• 30:15 Detailed experience with Step 9: Paying back Larry in Mexico City ten dollars at a time.
• 38:40 Humor: The air horn and the life insurance telemarketer.
• 42:10 Description of his 11th Step morning practice involving a Hindu altar and meditation.
• 46:50 Insights on Step 6 and 7: Moving from force of will to willingness.
• 51:20 Discussion on sponsorship and the requirement of the 'next day' phone call.
• 56:10 Reflection on Step 1 and the 'unmanageability' of living with a brain-damaged spouse.