Step 7 and the Willingness to Not Be Who I Am – Matthew M.

And now let's welcome our speaker tonight, Matthew. Hello, my name is Matthew. I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to open this now so I don't struggle with it later. Thanks. Hey, what a pleasure to be here. A lot of my old friends are here. It's great to see you again. It's an honor to see ya, to share here. Thanks for inviting me to participate in my sobriety. I love Alcoholics Anonymous my sobriety date is May 16, 1993 and I know when I come to do this I get a chance to do it the more often I try to express what's happened to me in AlcoholicsAnonymous the more I realize that's impossible kind of stuck with the story and the experience strength and hope I have about 25 minutes to tell you about how I was completely transformed inside and I just don't know how to do that. So I'll tell you, the beginning of May in 1993, I was morally bankrupt. I weighed 108 pounds. I weigh 168 pounds now, and I'm not any taller. I'm a little thicker. And I remember I used to drink gin, and I'd eat those donuts. It was like sugar donuts that come in little packs. and some yogurt because yogurt was supposed to be good for you. And there's donuts, you know, I was like bulk. And I would hold my breath and sit on the couch when the mailman came on my porch because I didn't know who that was and I didn' t want anyone to know I was in there. And so, you now, what I really want to talk about is recovery. So just believe me that I wanted to not drink every day of 1993. I had gotten a teenage girl pregnant. I was 31 years old. She was 18 years old, and I like to say she was 18, and she worked at this restaurant where I was working, and I got fired, and she was getting more pregnant, and I was trying to kill myself with alcohol, and my mom and dad lived a couple of miles from my house, and my Mom was dying of cancer, and I would call on my Mom all the time telling her I was going to come visit her because I really wanted to. I really loved my Mom. I really respected my Mom I was the youngest in the family, and I'd call and say, I'm going to come visit you, Mom. And she would say, that would be great. She's dying of cancer. She would say that would great, honey. And I would hang up the phone and walk towards the door, and I never visited my mom. I never made it to the door. I stopped and saw my reflection in the window, or I thought about all the problems I hadn't told them about, that I was unemployed, that this girl was pregnant. And I had a drink thinking, I'll just have a drink and go see my mom, And I really thought I would and that never happened. And I just I want to honor my parents They were loving kind people and I sponsor a lot of people in aa and I know that's not true for everybody But i'll tell you every single time I called her and said i'm going to come see your mom every single times She said that'd be great She didn't give me a hard time. She didn'T make me feel guilty They didn't know what had happened to me and my mom and dad really loved each other They were they were a great example when they died where they were married for 50 years and they did my dad never called my mom the ball and chain they never argued in public they very rarely argued at home and you know when that girl was eight and a half months pregnant I pushed her down a flight of stairs and I didn't want to hurt that girl I didn'T want to HURT THAT BABY but I want to be honest from the podium I DIDN'T have a feeling in me for them I'd love to tell you I did, I just didn't and she said please don't drink we want to go to the doctor today she didn't want me to stop drinking she didn'y want me to drink and I'd already started and when you tell me not to drink when I've already started I feel like you're shouting obscenities at me and I just tried to push her out of the doorway but I could tell I pushed her too hard and when I closed the door I heard her fall down the stairs and I went inside And I drank, and I never looked to see what happened. So that's what it was like. I want to just dispatch that's what it Was like. I was an alcoholic. I was born with every advantage. My mom and dad worked hard so I could go to college. My brothers and sisters really loved me. I was a musician, and I was encouraged to practice by everybody in the family all the time, and that's all I ever wanted to do anyway. And I just had this great upbringing, and alcoholism turned me into an animal. I don't know what it did to you. I don' t know. I really am not saying that in some maudlin way, but to me it turned me in an animal I needed to drink and I didn' t care about you. I wanted to use you and drink. So on May 16th, 1993, my brother had 12-stepped me a couple of days before and had convinced me to go into a hospital and I woke up and answered the phone. I'd been up the night before getting ready for rehab. I didn't want to be a slacker. And I woke up on the floor, and I picked up the phone, and I thought it was them taking me to rehab, and it was somebody. I didn' t know who this person was until about three months ago when I met them, but it was someone who said, Hey, your daughter was born today, and we've been trying to get a hold of you, and had been passed out. So I ran to the hospital. Actually, that's not true. I didn''t run to the hospi- alcoholism is a disease of selfishness and self-centeredness and I think this is a perfect illustration of that with me so they said can you come to the hospital and see your baby I said of course I had actually forgotten that about her and I ran outside and found my car and I went to the where I was born because that's where babies come from right you know that's how self-centred I am all babies are born at little company america's that's Where I Was Born and And I went there, and they weren't there. And this 108-pound skeleton was pounding on the counter, and they said, They're not here. And I sat in my car and thought for a minute, and I remembered what hospital, and I went to the right hospital. And I ran up the stairs, andI was going to the room, and I wasn't preparing myself. You know, I wasn' t thinking about it, and I'm running looking at the numbers above the doors trying to find the right room, and I'm not thinking, I'm not preparing myself and I turn around to this room and there's Anna and she jumps up and she was happy to see me and I was humiliated because the last time I saw her I pushed her down a flight of stairs and I Was scared and I Was dirty and as she came towards me, I thought she was going to hug me and I didn't want her to hug me because I smelled bad and I Didn't want anyone to touch me and she Was coming towards me and She stopped and And she turned and she looked into this little glass rectangular thing and she pulled out this being of God, Phoebe Rose. And she handed me this perfect, innocent, beautiful child and I held onto this perfect innocent beautiful child and I looked at her and she was so gorgeous. In fact, gorgeous doesn't even touch it. She was clear and beautiful. Her skin was, I don't know if any of you have had experience but they have little tiny nails and little tiny faces. And everything's smaller. And I'm looking at Anna, and I'd love to tell you it was the miracle of life and I had a moment of clarity and I knew I had to stop drinking, but that isn't what happened. I felt worse than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I felt like filth. Here was beauty and I was the beast. It was almost unbearably painful. and I handed her back to Anna and I said a prayer and my prayer was please God I hope these two women never see me again because I'm going to do something stupid and I'm not even going to know I'm doing it and I's what I've done all over the place and I didn't and I was right you know I had just almost killed them and I got back in my car and I went home and I had a gun under my couch that I would occasionally put in my mouth and pray that I had the guts to pull the trigger and I was going for the gun because I wanted to not hurt them and I wanted to disappear and I got home and my brother was sitting on my porch and he said where have you been I packed your bag get in the car and I went off to a rehabilitation facility now I really don't have time to tell you the story so I want to talk about recovery now because there's a lot of people in here that uh have time and if you looked at my recovery it reminds me of that story in the big book you know jim the car salesman and it says in the story of jimthecarsalesman all went all right for jim for a while but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life and i can honestly tell you all has gone all right from matthew for a While and i when i read that i am fortunate enough to work with newcomers quite often, and I get them to at least that story. And when I read that, I get chills down my back because I don't want to fail to enlarge my spiritual life. And as you are sober longer, my experience is as I'm sober longer. I'm no longer excited when the cop pulls me over and I have a license and registration, you know, that has faded that excitement. You know, paying my bills isn't like, hey, I can pay my bills, man. And, you know, now it's like, I've got to pay the bills. After 18 years of doing it, those exciting things of just participating in life, you know I'm participating in Life and I'm grateful. But I don't want to fail to enlarge my spiritual life. So I want to talk to you about what's been obvious to me the way that that happens. A few years ago, I'm a drug dealer. I sell pharmaceuticals. So I finally get my money back. And I was up in Pasadena. I live in Long Beach, and I'm up in Pasadena, and I'm working, and it's a terrible day. Like all the doctors are jerks, and it's raining, and you know how we drive in L.A. when it's rainin'. We just drive a little closer just so we can keep an eye on the car in front of us, because it's rainin', and they're hard to see. And I just was so grumpy, you know? And there was a guy in the hospital, a guy I'd sponsored had, his liver was gone, and they told him if he was gonna drink again, he was gonna die. And they found him in his apartment, and he had filled his trash cans up with blood. And he was in ICU and a coma, and he was not going to ever get out of ICU. And I had foolishly made a promise to him when he was in that coma that I would come visit him every day. And that hospital was about four blocks from my house. So I'm up in Pasadena having a terrible day. And nothing's right. My wife calls them broken shoelace days. But it just seemed like the end of the world to me because I just felt like I had no reserves inside me and the rain was bothering me and I'm driving down from Pasadena. And I knew I was in a terrible mood because on the radio came Layla, the original Derek and the Dominoes version. And I thought, you know, this is really a crappy song. I used to think it was a classic, but it's just like a novelty act, Eric. And, uh, and I, and then I knew that I go, dude, something's wrong. This is like one of the best songs in the world. So I was, that's where I was. I was emotionally just out of it. You know, I'd been done paying my bills and having my I had the rich full life in AA, but I was doubting my ability to be a good provider. I was doubting my ability of being a good husband. I didn't want to go see Mike in the hospital on my way home from work. That was the bottom line. I did not want to see this guy in the Hospital. He's going to die. He's in a coma. I don't have to go. But the difference between Alcoholics Anonymous and the church that I went to when I was a little kid and the religious school that I want to when I was a little kid is, in Alcoholics Anonymous from May 16th, 1993 till today, people showed me recovery. They didn't tell me recovery. And guys that I knew who had good lives went on panels at prisons. They left their beautiful wives and they left their wonderful homes and they went on panels at prisons. And I remember when I was new going, why are you here? I'm a loser. I have nowhere else to go. But why are YOU here? And slowly I got it because after I leave those prisons, I'd feel just clean enough to go to the next day and not get loaded. And these guys understood that power. But I'm driving home from Pasadena, and I don't want to go see this guy. I really want to Go see my wife. I really adore my wife's company. And I couldn't wait to get home. And actually, I was probably just going to go in and lie down and watch TV because I had nothing in me. But as I'm Driving off the off ramp, I actually I can go one way and go right to my house so i can go just just one other block and go to this hospital and i don't want to go i don't think i have anything for him you know he's just going to be lying there in a coma i've done this a bunch of times i can skip today but my car just took me to the hospital you know and i'm sitting there and i've actually this is how vain and arrogant i am i'm looking at the hospital and i couldn't get a parking place close and it was raining i thought this is a good suit the rain's going to mess up my hair i don't want to go you know i mean i couldn't get so but i my body got out of the car and walked over to the hospital and it would have been difficult to visit this guy because he was in icu and he didn't have any real family left they died of alcoholism and they don't let you just go see anybody in icus so i had to explain every time i went that i was a sponsor in alcoholics anonymous and that i realized the situation was dire but that could I please go see him. And they would staple my business card in his file. So this is a rainy day in ICU, and those nurses are just about as pissed off as I am. I can tell when I walk in. Nobody's happy. There's that darkness around. And I walk up, and she's like, I'm sorry, sir, you're not family. AndI hardly have the energy in me to say, look, I just have to go see the guy for 10 minutes. I promised him.And I give her my card, and there's like 10 of my cards in there. And she staples my card in there, and I'm just walking towards this room. And I'd rather just go sit in an outhouse. I just don't want to do this, you know? And I walk in and it's dark because they don't waste the lights on people who are in comas. And I sit down and I'm looking at him and his teeth are all messed up and he's in a coma and he actually kind of got one arm strapped down. So I sat at the end of his bed and I looked at my watch and I said to myself, I'm going to give this guy 15 minutes and then I'm out of here. And I prayed a little bit for myself. I didn't pray for him. And I'm just being honest. So far, I haven't lied. You figured that out, right? Not a glowing picture of recovery so far. So I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, you know, it's too bad he didn't take better care of his teeth. He's going to look terrible when they bury him. And I am looking around the room and I am thinking, you know he is an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic. That's why, I guess that's why I am here. He is going to go out of here in a bag. I gotta go back to my car I guess I should be grateful and then it wasn't quite 15 minutes truth be told but I got up and I walked over the side of his bed and I reached over and I touched his hand and he sat bolt upright in the bed and scared the shit out of me it wasnít the rain that was gonna ruin my suit all of a sudden and he grabbed my hand and he panned the room and he looked up at my face and he said, why do you love me so much? And I looked at him and I didn't know what to say and out of my mouth came because you're just like me. And I don't know why I said that. I really don't know why i said that and he was like and he came back and he's toxic his liver is gone he's going to die and he come back and he look up at me and he says am i crazy? And I said, no, man, you're alcoholic. And he leaned back and he went back to sleep. And the room was filled with the presence of God. I felt it run all the way through my body. I felt the planets align. Derek and the Dominoes made an awesome album. I needed to tell someone. I walked over to the door. I didn't want to leave. and i looked at him and i thought thank god for you man thank god from mike and i got in my car and i floated home and i had not failed to enlarge my spiritual life and the reason i tell you that particular example is because i didn't want to do it and you know what in aa i found out it doesn't matter if you don't want to do it. I didn't want to come here. I have a nice little house up where I work. I had some nice stuff laid out for dinner. I did not have a tie because I packed all wrong. And I came down here and I am here and I am immediately buoyed by the love in the room and the excitement and enthusiasm for recovery and my old friends and the good people around me. And that is all I can tell you about Alcoholics Anonymous is, in spite of my own selfishness, in spite of myself centeredness, when I reach out to you, the world blooms. It never has failed me. There's a good friend of mine here today. His name's Erwin. He's a really good friend of mine and he once told this story. He said a guy is taken up to look at hell and the angel takes him to hell and he looks in at hell and there's this huge banquet and this banquet is full of all the best foods in the world, but everybody has these spoons attached to their arms, to their hands. And they have these bars between their arms and they can't reach their mouths. That's hell. There's the food and they're all sitting there and they Can't reach them out. And he takes him to another room and it's heaven. And it's the exact same situation. It's the Exact same banquet. And they've got the spoons and they've Got the bars and they are feeding each other. And that's Alcoholics Anonymous. I think it's amazingly funny that God or the animating force of the higher powers joke about the disease of alcoholism. He goes, I know. I know what I'm going to do. I'm gonna get the most selfish, self-centered people in the world and say, look, you can stop drinking, but you got to help everybody else, you know? It's like, is there any other way, you now? So Phoebe, who was born on May 16th, 1993, I drove her to college two weeks ago and she wanted to drive with me in my car and talk to me all the way up to San Luis Obispo and her mom came the next day and we just laughed and had a great time and spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars at Target I didn't know you could do that and you know, we're not married and we have our separate lives and our separate children but we're pretty good friends and Phoebe's a good, good little girl and she's not a little girl she's bigger than me and we've just had a wonderful time And there's no way for me to tell you about all the gifts I've gotten here. There's just no way. But I would like to say, Mike, who was in that ICU room, he's sitting right there. Mike, will you stand up? Mike's alive. And Mike's going to get married in December and he picked me to be his best man, the a-hole that didn't want to visit him in the hospital. So I really can't tell you. I can't describe it. I never thought I could be a son to my mother. My mother died in my arms, and we were clean and pure with each other, and it wasn't the horrible moment you think it might be. I never though I could a husband, and I've been married for 15 years to the same person. I have two other children. And when I was married for five years, my wife had a pretty serious stroke and became a completely different person. And for 10 years, I've adored this woman. And I didn't come here like that. I didn'T come here able to see reality. I came here only able to see my perception and I have five minutes so I'm going to tell you the difference when I got dropped off from rehab I walked up to my front door and my brother dropped me off and he said go to a meeting which I thought was crazy. I had 30 days of sobriety it's like go to an meeting I'm like God you guys in AA you're crazy right why would I go to a meeting I've got to go see Phoebe I've gotta go see mom I gotta get a job but okay, I'll go to a meet. And I walk into my apartment and somebody hands me a Coors. It's not a beer, it was a Coores. And they put it in my hand and I lived there by myself and they were snorting cocaine on the glass table and smoking pot and I'm looking at this beer and I don't know what to do and I put it on the porch and I ran away. And if you're new in AA, I didn't run away because I had a foundation of recovery. I ranaway for one reason. All I had in the world was 30 days of sobriety. I didn't have any character. I didn' t have any self-respect. I didn''t have any money. I had an incredible amount of debt. But I had 30 days, and I didn ''t want to blow it on those guys. So I ran to a payphone. Some people are young here. They were made of glass. They were rectangular. And you opened them. It's very hard to describe. They had these phones that looked like missiles. You could Google it maybe. but I went to a pay phone and I called Alcoholics Anonymous and this is funny if I can tell this story in five minutes I told the guy like way more than I've told you all my whole life and baby 108 pounds I was a rock star and then I'm not a rockstar my mom's out of cancer and I did Coors and the guy was really cool he waited until I shut up and he goes yeah man where are you and I go these things are made of glass and I said I'm on the corner of Burrell and whatever and Redondo Beach And he flipped through these papers and he said, this is so weird. There's an AA meeting right across the street from that pay phone and it starts in 15 minutes. And I said, what do you think I should do? Because I thought he was going to help me, right? I told him my whole story. And he said go to a meeting. And that's what he said. He goes, I think you should go to the meeting. I was like, oh, you and my brother, I'm up to here with you. And I went into the meeting, and of course, Alcoholics Anonymous enveloped me. I did not have a moment of clarity. The guy was just like Charlie Brown's dad, like wah-wah-wah, you know? And as soon as it was over, I got up to leave. And this guy who knew my brother came up and goes, Matthew, you're out of the hospital. And he said the greatest thing. He looked at me and goes I heard you look like shit. And I said well that was 30 days ago. I'd gained 47 pounds in 30 days in the hospital I was hungry and super tired, too. And he said, well, can I give you a ride home? And I thought that would be good because I actually jogged to the meeting. You know, I jogged at the phone booth. I jogped to the meet-up. And I said, that would great. And we walked out to his car, and he's walking towards the car, and I'm backing up. And he's walk, and I am backing up, and finally he goes, what's your problem? And I go, well I don't think I can go home. He said, why not? And I said, well, you know, I told him about the beer and the Coke and the pot. And he said, Well, don't your parents live near here? And I say, Well... Yeah, they live a couple of miles over that hill. And he says, Well I could take you there. And I says, No man, you cannot take me there. And this is the difference between perception and reality. Because my perception was... Those people have been married to each other for 45 years. My dad and mom really love each other. and my mom's dying of cancer, their loser son fresh out of rehab with an illegitimate child is not going to show up on their porch today. He's not going do that to them today. It would be the most humiliating thing for them. It'd be the worst situation to put them in. It would be the humiliating situation for me. It's not gonna happen. That was my perception. the guy dropped me off at my parents' house because you guys don't listen. And, uh, and my parents opened the door and they were glad to see me like super glad they were smiling at me. And my dad looked relieved and my dad wore everything on his face. He was this beautiful Irish guy who wouldn't, he wore everything out of his face and he was legitimately happy to see me. And I didn't know why. And I went inside and they gave me my old bedroom back and had a big poster of Eric Clapton from when I was 14, you know. Eric got me through my first year of sobriety. We talked late into the night often. But I moved into that house and you know what was happening over there? My mom and my dad were married for 45 years to each other. They adored each other My mom was dying of cancer and the one person they worried about every day showed up on their porch clean and sober and in that year i got to see my dad love my mom and my mom helped my dad understand that he was going to be okay without her i saw profound love it was perfect it was beautiful it was exactly how it was supposed to be my perception i learned an alcoholic synonymous doesn't mean anything The reality always is where it's potent and present and full and perfect. And living with a disabled woman with brain damage is potent and present and perfect, it's not what we always want, we don't always want the challenges she has, I'm not always good at it, I'm that good at, I get frustrated but I adore her, I adore her and she loves me back And I know a lot of people that don't get that much in life She changed my standards for my life. I will dress her and undress her for the rest of my days and be grateful for it And I don't know how that happened. I don' t know how this guy Stands before you today the guy that went to the wrong hospital that pushed that girl down a flight of stairs I don't know where he went But I did 12 steps I continue to not fail To enlarge my spiritual life And all I know that that means Is when they say will you I say yes When they say Will you I say Yes No matter what I go to that prison I don''t like to go to You know Mike and I have been through a lot I have to go To all sorts of strange places Because of Alcoholics Anonymous Right? You guys know And every time I'm there If I'm present My perception is left at the door. It's perfect. It's potent. It's present. It's beautiful. Thanks for letting me share. And what am I supposed to do? Okay. Does anybody have any questions? Great. It's been really fun. I've enjoyed myself. This is more uncomfortable for me than it is for you. Thank you. Can you talk about some of your amends? Yeah, the question is can you talk about someofmyamends and thankyou so much. I love it that you brought that up because there's a paragraph in the big book that we read where I go to meetings in Hermosa Beach it often is read because you're chosen to read any paragraph you want it says the spiritual life is not a theory you have to live it and that sentence is referring to the ninth step so i'm glad that you brought that up um one of my amends is i owed a guy fifteen thousand dollars um and when i was newly sober when i wrote that on my eight-step list it looked like it said ten million dollars because it might as well have been $10 million. I didn't have $15,000. I was living with my mom and dad. And I went to my sponsor and I went over my eight step list and I said, I don't think I can do this because this one here for Larry. And he said, why not? And I go, I don't have 10 million dollars, you know? And he says, well, what do you think? You have to show up on his porch with a briefcase? And I said no, but I don t know. I just don t think I m ever going to have that kind of money. And he goes, well how much money could you give him right now. I said, I'd give him 10 bucks. And he goes, all right, where does Larry live? I said he lives in Mexico city and he goes all right. He did. I, he had, it's a long story how I ripped him off for $15,000, but I nickel and dimed him for 15 grand. I really did. It took a long time and uh, I would have liked it all in one lump sum, but i, uh, he lived in Mexico city. He was down there working. We had worked at the same place. He got transferred. So I wrote him a check for 10 bucks and I wrote a letter of amends And it was a really long letter and I took it to my sponsor and he made it really short He took out all the self-justification and all the yeah, buts and i'm a really cool guy now and uh It was all my part my part My part my heart and i'M not going to ever do this again because I heard an amends is not an apology It's an amending of my behavior And did I leave anything out? I hated that sentence. He added that sentence And I sent this 10 bucks and I and it sent it down and I every month. I sent 10 bucks I sent10 bucks. I send 10 bucks And it really felt like if you're new here and you're like, wow It felt like this it felt like in my backyard I had this big empty swimming pool and i'd walk out there with an eyedropper and I put a drop in And I go someday I will swim You know and then walk back in the house and uh Praying that the water didn't evaporate and uh So $10 a month, $10 a month. And then because I showed up for work every day on something I hadn't done when I was drinking I got promoted and I got better jobs and I could afford more so I sent them $50 a month for a while. And dann sometimes I'd send them $100 and I'd forget and I would not send them sometimes but I keep really close track in this little book because when I'm paying you back we're keeping track. When I'm ripping you off I'm like I think it's about $15,000. So anyway, I wrote this guy these checks and you know a lot of things happened in my life And I didn't know why they were happening I mean like doors opened for me and things that shouldn't happen for me happened for me And and I met this amazing girl that i'm married to now and things during that time in my wife They just things just came together and I was writing the checks writing the cheques going to meetings doing my My steps working with new guys and then the guy calls me. I was about seven years sober And he calls me and he goes Hey, man stop sending me these checks and i go well according to my book i owe you i paid you about seven thousand dollars i oweyou about eight thousand dollars why would i stop sending you these checks because look man i don't know what you're doing but you've changed yours you know you're a good husband you'rea good father you're you'reyou're a contributing member of society you're kind of the guy we always thought you could be you know you've already paid me back Stop sending me the checks. And I made the mistake of calling my sponsor. Because I wanted to brag that I was done, that I'd paid back $10 million. And my sponsor was so cool. He goes, oh, really? He goes okay. And I wish I was this good of a sponsor. He said, that's that guy that you sent 10 bucks a month to when you live with your mom and your dad. So now you have this great life. I mean, like a great life. He's man, if you want to stop doing what's working, that's cool. Like, why do I call? It's like the most expensive phone call I've ever made in my life. So I had to pay him back and I called up Larry and I said, I got to pay you back. And he said, okay, I don't, I Don't understand, but okay. And a couple months later he moved back to, to Laguna Beach. And a little bit after my mom died, my father died. And also, I was actually at Mario's. I like to say my father dead in front of me, but that isn't true. I was with him. I went to Mario's and when I went back he was dead. And I adored my dad and we were clean. I made amends to him. And took care of him in the last year of his life. And went in and sat with him and actually this is totally off your subject, but it's a really funny thing. My dad was an insurance salesman and he hated telemarketers, like hated him. He had a little air horn by the phone. And he was lying. I don't know why I'm telling you this story, but it's really funny. He was lying in his hospital bed dead in the living room and the phone rang and I picked it up and he goes, hello, this is so-and-so from Allstate Insurance. I'd like to talk to you, Mr. Mitchell, about term life insurance. And I said, what if there's a preexisting condition? Because Mr. Mitchel was dead in the living room. And I thought, my dad's loving this, right? Anyway, my dad left me some money and I wrote a check for $8,000 and I put it in a FedEx envelope and I sent it to Larry because I knew what that money was for. And Larry called me and he said, Matthew, you're not going to believe this, but I'm sitting here with Wendy, my wife. We found out a couple of days ago we're going to have a baby and we don't own this house. We rent this house and we've been trying to figure out how to buy it. And we figured out our finances and we were just about eight thousand dollars short of a down payment and your check came out of the blue i wasn't expecting it so the the flake the animal the loser got to help a guy with perfect credit buy a house with his own money you know but whatever right i mean that's kind of like a very little part of the story i mean it's my money yeah so it kind of drains that story of all it's like glory. But you know what, man? I'd write that check every year. I'd write those $10, $50 checks every day of my life to get what I got in here. When I was holding that little girl, the reason I couldn't look at her is because I was filthy dirty inside. It was terrible outside, but I was filthy dirty outside. And living the spiritual life is making amends to people I'd harmed. And you know, I would do it over again and over again. I'm completely clean now. I don't owe anybody. I've made all the amends on my list. Now they're just 10-step amends. Did that answer your question? Thanks. Can you talk about your morning practices? Yes, thank you. You asked me to talk about my 11-step practices and it seems kind of personal because it's where it all happens for me. So I got this little house. I live in Long Beach and I work for a company up in Thousand Oaks, and they gave me this deal where I could rent a little house because I'm up there a couple of weeks a month. And, you know, I'm just going to be honest with you about my practice. I have a puja. I have an Hindu altar. And in the morning I get up and I turn the coffee maker on and I go and I sit and I set my – I have to get up at 6 because the sponsees start calling at 6.30. And I set MyTimer for 20 minutes and I Sit. And what I do in that is, it's hard to describe, but I try to focus my awareness on my awareness. I try just keep bringing my focus back to my awareness and after 20 minutes and I found that any other length shorter than that is not enough for me. I can't get clean. And I do it every day, sometimes I do at lunch time and I do it at night time before I go to bed. And then after that 20 minutes I go get my cup of coffee and I read a spiritual book. Right now I'm reading the book called I Am That by Nisargadatta, but I read whatever. I read a Byron Katie book. I'll read anything anyone gives me. People give me that kind of stuff all the time. And when you're in that place of calm, the book comes alive. I don't know how to describe it. I feel like it's being written right ahead of me reading it because it's talking right to me. And then when the sponsees start to call, I actually have a centered person to offer them. So that's my 11-step. Can you talk about your experience with the 6th and 7th step? It was kind of scattered. But I had that book, and when I got to sixth and seventh, I'm Catholic. I was raised Catholic. It's not like I go to a Catholic church anymore, but it's like being Jewish. You know, you're Jewish. It's stuck. You're there forever. And I'm catholic. I can't, you know, it's, like, I am blonde. I'm a Catholic. And so I thought it said work on your character defects, right? And the more I worked on my character defects the bigger they got, you know? and uh it was funny sandy beach said this thing you know somebody would uh or was it sandy it would they write down the seven deadly sins and they'd take one with them to work on i'm going to work i'm not being lazy and then you know you're invariably on the couch right in 10 minutes it's like wow this is and what he said is leave them take one out of your pocket and leave one on your desk so that started the balls turning and then i started thinking about it and reading the actual six and seven step and what it says is i'm willing to have them removed so i did a fifth step and my sponsor my second fifth step because i changed sponsors a couple years into sobriety and he really elucidated for me or illuminated for me my modus operandi and where my character defects were that what they were they were coming to life in my actions and he said now i want you to go do six and seven and it was probably the first spiritual act i ever did because i looked at that and said yes that is who i am yes that is abhorrent in some ways, but I don't know how I'll be if I'm not that. And I was afraid. I sort of got, you know, I got by with women doing certain things with women. I got buy at work doing certain thing at work, basically lying in both departments to be something other than I was. And I sat there and I thought, okay God, whatever it is you think I'm supposed to be, I'm willing to be that and not be these things anymore. And what I found in sobriety, like learning about visiting Mike in a hospital and enlarging my spiritual life is one of the things I need to learn is grateful for the opportunity to be of service. I can't force myself to be that way, but I can ask God to remind me of my riches. And that's why I share about these things on the podium. So I'll infuse them for myself with the grace that they are. So what was in that book, and I found that book when I was about three years sober and really working hard at the six and seven step, working hard at it. And it said, trying to change your character through force of will is like trying to fly by repeatedly jumping into the air. And I thought that's been my problem. I'm jumping into the air, I need to become willing to not be what I am and let God make the day new. And when it's achieved, when there's actually some spaciousness I read a line, Nisargadatta this morning He said, welcome the uninvited. And that's what I think the seventh step is. Come on, I'm on a roll now. I want to answer your question. How do you handle working with others? Well, thank you for asking. That's the best question yet. Every one of them has been so great. My sponsor has a saying that says there's 12 steps. 11 the 11 of them are practice and preparation to do the 12th one that's all about the 12 step in my sponsor's eyes and i've adopted that and it's kind of why i came and um so the way i do it is that the most bare bones and back to basics where i do it is i ask that they call me when they someone asked me to sponsor him i asked them to call me the next day and then every day i say call methe next dayand the reason i do that a lot of people like well why do i call my sponsor the next day? Because for me, that gives me the bar of willingness. Are they willing to do that simple thing? Do they really, really want to stop drinking, right? Because that's a pretty simple thing. We don't have to talk much. Mike calls every morning and he'll say, I'm just checking in. I'll say great. I love you, man. And we hang up, right. Sometimes we talk for half an hour. So that's the first thing I do. The second thing I did because I went through a long period in Alcoholics Anonymous where I thought my opinions were the opinions of Alcoholics synonymous and uh i was just gonna save you because i could see you clearly and uh and what i do is i read the big book of aa the first thing i do istay please read the doctor's opinion highlight things that talk to you please don't think about what i'm looking for and then we read it together and we go through the steps and as we get to the step we work it that's how my first sponsor did it with me in fact i remember when we got to the third step we're sitting at his kitchen in this apartment he said okay we're going to do the thirdstep we're gonna get on my our knees here and pray the third step prayer. And I was thinking, there is no way we're going to do that. And then we got on our knees and we held hands in his kitchen because I just did said yes. And we prayed the third-step prayer and I got up and I was different. And i don't know if i was different spiritually. I was Different because i did something i absolutely wasn't going to do no matter what and i did it and i got up. And thought maybe i'm headed in the right direction. So i make my guys get on their knees with me and pray. The third step. Prayer and then I often start the fourth step right away. Like there's somebody here who's meeting me here tonight and we just started talking. And I said, why don't you start writing down three people you think got away with something in your life? Let's start writing things down about people that got away With stuff in your Life. So by the time we get to the four step, it isn't like we have a list now because there's no reason to balk at the four-step. Yeah. I don't know if any of you know her, but Claire Wineland is John's daughter. It's just a wonderful person. If you ever get a chance to visit her. She's in the hospital a lot. She loves to entertain visitors in the hospital, but when she was about six years old, I walked in there. I was going to see doctors. I dressed in a suit and she's got her eyes closed. She has got her arm out and there's a nurse with a needle and Claire is going the anticipation is the hardest part. The anticipation is the hardest. And the nurse goes, Claire I already gave you the shot. I loved Claire for saying that, but I also thought that's the fifth step. The The anticipation is the hardest part. So I do that, and usually one of the things where I am with Mike right now is I try to get people working with others because, to me, working with Others is where my sponsor says, you don't have to give it away to keep it. You have to Give It Away to Get It, and I believe that. Does that help? Okay. Step one in a daily basis? Well, thank you. That's the best question so far. I really love step one. I really do. In fact, we have a step study in Long Beach. It's a group of guys and we go through the steps. And if you come in there and you've never been to a step study, we stop and we're done. And then we go back to the first step for the person who's never been. And this is what I'll tell you about step one when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I couldn't stop drinking. It was like trying to hold back the Pacific Ocean. I didn't want to drink and when I had a drink I felt temporarily better and then saw the pacific crashing down on me and every day every day Every day. I tell myself i'm going to go see my mother. I'm going gonna get a job I'm gonna go see this girl's parents. I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK TODAY AND EVERY DAY I DRANK So powerlessness over alcohol was really seared into my mind, right? but what I found through being an An aa and going through these steps and having 11 step practice practice and working with other people Probably I found this more working through other people than anything else is I am powerless completely over everything. And that's great news. That's great News. I don't want to get off into weird Hindu Advaita thoughts about not being the doer but powerlessness pervades my life and the only time I get up in my own head and suffer and that happens a lot during the day is I start thinking I have power so powerlessness over alcohol. I feel like that was the window, not the door. I felt like it was the windows that God said if you climb through here, you may find other things. And I climbed through the window of having powerlessness over alcohol because it was uncomfortable. That's why I made it a window. And it was hard and it was embarrassing and a lot of people found out bad things about me. And then I got into the spacious room of pure powerlessness and that I'm truly, truly just being God's being. So my life is unmanageable. My life, of course, is un manageable. I can't believe I have this job at this company. If they knew who I was, really? I mean, really. I work for a huge biotech company. I handle a lot of money. I fly all over the country and I just can't believe it. Do you think I manage that job? Not ever. I've never managed it. I show up and they go, you should go here. And I go over there. And they say, you Should Read This and talk about it. And I read that and talk about it." My wife is brain damaged. My wife forgets things every day. My wife forgot big important things. my wife screws up and she's my favorite person so do you think that that do you think god said matthew really needs to learn about powerless on a daily basis i think so right i don't want her to be embarrassed for herself i don'T WANT TO BE MAD BUT MY HER NEUROLOGIST ADVICE IS GIVE HER STUFF TO DO KNOWING SHE'S GOING TO SCREW IT UP SHE NEEDS STUFFTO DO AND SO UNMANAGEABILITY WE LIVE IN THE LAP OF UNMANAGABILTY WE LIVE In CHAOS TOWN AND YOU KNOW WHAT it's okay because I'm powerless. I'll give you an example of what it's like to live with someone you really, really love who has brain damage. I went on a long business trip a couple of months ago, probably maybe a year ago now. And I came back and my 10-year-old daughter's sitting at the counter and my wife's standing there and there's a basket where we keep the mail because my wife is unable to answer the mail or do the bills because she has lost a huge chunk of her brain. So I'm looking at it and it's empty and I've been gone for two weeks. And i said, hey where's the mail I'm almost afraid to ask and my wife kind of wanders off and Sophie my 10 year old goes yeah mommy recycles the mail now and I felt this chill and uh and I was expecting my replacement driver's license and I don't have all my bills online I do now but uh so I walked in behind her into the bedroom and I didn't want to hurt that person I don' t want to embarrass her I love her. We have all these sticky situations. And I go, hey, honey, did you throw the mail away? You know, how do you ask that? You know. Did you sell one of the kids? You know? And I said, didyou throw themailaway? And she goes, don't be silly. My wife's British, so we're just talking. She kind of melts me. She's like, don' t be silly who would throw the mailaway? AndI'm like, yeah, that'd be crazy, right? And I say, well, didyou recycle it? Andshe goes, oh, that sounds kind of familiar. because she knows she has brain damage. She knows she does these things. So I went out and looked at the bottom of the recycling. Of course, they had just emptied it and stuck to the bottom was my Sprint bill. And you know what I saw at the bottom of that thing? Powerlessness and unmanageability. I think I answered the question. Yes? I think that you came from somewhere in your society and I just wondered how did you find that next time? Right. This is a sensitive subject because I'm not for it. I'm Not For Changing Sponsors. My first sponsor that knelt with me on the floor of his kitchen married someone who was not emotionally stable, and she hated some guy named Matthew. So I would call, and she wouldn't tell him I called. And it happened a lot to where I was pretty new. I was like two years sober, and I had a baby, and I was trying to move out of my parents' house. So I had issues, newcomer issues. And he just wouldn't return my calls. And when I told him I'd call, he didn't believe me. And then finally it all came out, but I had to move on because I needed help. So that's why I did it. It wasn't because he didn'T fit me. It wasn'T because I didn'T appreciate his raw honesty. It was because he was unavailable. So I asked this guy who did this other fifth step, who actually volunteered, I mentioned at a meeting. And I have to tell you, it's such a weird story. His name is Wayne and he's an awakened sage. He's had the enlightenment experience. and I didn't know that when I asked him and I would go over to his house and sit with him and I talked to him and he would just smile at me and I'm looking at him like and he had a lot of energy and I felt better but I didn' t know what to do but he did help me with that fifth step and I'd sit with them and he'd smile at m and I go I'm really frustrated with this so I went on a ride with one of his best friends Bill Cleveland Bill C up to talk and I don't know Wayne's I don' t really and he goes you need steps I said, I need steps. And he said, look, don't judge Wayne. Let's just do the steps. And Bill has been my sponsor for, I've been sober 18 years, probably been my son for 15. And oddly enough, I now go sit and listen to Wayne, the sage who I didn't understand. He's my teacher now. So I don't know. Anything can happen. I'm Catholic-ish. Okay, thanks very much. Thank you.