Step 6 — Ready for Change – Rick H. – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – 2024

All right, so we're here for step six and seven. So page 76 of the big book. If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can he now take them all, everyone? if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask God to help us to be willing new service thank you Lisa thanks Lisa I'm up really high I think okay I'm Sonia and I'm an alcoholic good to see you all back from lunch so we are on step 7 and Oh, six. That's right. So sorry. Get to that. Step six and the principle to step six, which you kind of heard was Lisa said willingness. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I love how this step starts. It says, this is the step that separates the men from the boys. So step six talks about how God released the obsession to drink and how amazing he was to have that fatal obsession like pulled from us. And I love the language in here. It says have God removed the mania for alcohol from their lives? And God has proceeded to do exactly that. Having been granted a perfect release from alcoholism, why then shouldn't we be able to achieve the same means, a perfect relief from every other difficulty or defeat? This is a riddle of our existence, the full answer to which may be only in the mind of God. Nevertheless, at least a part of the answer to it is apparent to us. When men and women pour so much alcohol into themselves that they destroy their lives, They commit a most unnatural act, defying their instinctive desire for self-preservation. They seem bent upon self-destruction. They work against their own deepest instinct. As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession. Here, their powerful instinct to live can cooperate fully with their creator's desire to give them new life for nature and God alike arbor suicide. And from my experience, when I wanted my character defects to be lifted, um you know of course like i said before i know everything and i knew which ones to be lifted and i new which ones i wanted to be gone which ones were like overtly getting in my way um but i was told by a variety of people that left to my devices me deciding what defects to remove would be the wrong ones because i have no idea what's good for me what i need what i needs to remove like i have no clarity on anything and just coming off of me fighting against my natural instinct to live um all those years of slowly destructing and truly just the slow suicidal act of the drinking i did and the substances and the danger and the harm's way i put myself in um i was not in any place to decide what my character defects were where they should be where they could go should go in line to be removed. And so I had to also understand that it wasn't Sonia removing the defects, it was my higher power, which I love how they refer to higher power as creator. I refer to mine a lot as my creator. Because I am, it was read earlier, those three pertinent ideas that God is the one who has to relieve me from the obsession, no human power is strong enough. It's the same thing with my character defects. Everything that pertained to like my alcoholism and my wanting to give it up and me being able to have God's grace. It's the same thing with all of my character defects, and I have to let God decide when, how, and through what experiences I need to have to notice them, to get what I need out of them. And again, they're all part of my humanness that I took out of balance. And so I don't know if they ever go fully away. I mean, sure, I could sit here and lie my head off or manipulate 10 people before bed, but I have that moral compass today that says to me, you can't sleep if you do that. And you don't even want to do that. That's not who I am anymore. So it really is the turning point of the person I was and becoming the person. I am. And my moral compass today is the 12 principles. And when I'm not sure, um, you know, sometimes I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why, or I don' t feel like I'm doing the right thing or something's off you know it just instinctually now says okay I just I have like the principles in my head because I have a list on my fridge and I see that list and say what am I not doing right where am I Not Focused Am I Not Being So Honest Am I Not Doing Brotherly Love Am I not you know In Willingness Am I not being humble? You know, those kind of things. And so when I recognize where I'm veering too far away from my center, I have to bring myself back. And to me, that's the highest form of self-care I can give myself because I'm out in the world, right? I can't live in the rooms of AA where It's wonderful that we all have different lengths of sobriety, different flavors of sobrietty. But we're all still on the journey to better ourselves one day at a time. Out there, it's not like that. A lot of times people don't have any desire to look at life the way any of us do. So when I'm out in that world, I have to make sure that I show up in the way I want to show up. And I was taught I need to be ready. And in the beginning, I thought that meant showered and dressed and makeup and lunch packed and I'm ready. But that's helpful. But ready in a more spiritual way of I don't know what is going on throughout my whole day and I have to be ready for whether it's my children who have a need or it's a client or it could be a variety of things. And I don�t want to show up in the world today careless and not paying attention to who I am and what I have to give or not give. And that's what I've learned here, that it's my job to understand what I have to bring every day. So if I wake up in the morning, when I wake up, I do kind of a first scan and see what my emotional tank is like. Is it half full, depending on how much sleep I got, what my weeks looked like, what's coming? And I used to always make sure if it was half, because it's like a car. You fill your car up, and it takes forever to get to a half a tank, to get down. But once I hit a half the tank, boom, it's gone. So, and my emotional bank account is like that or gas tank. And when I'm at half a tank, one mild crisis could really make a difference in how much I have. So if I'm not three quarters of the tank, I look at that and say, okay, like I have to kind of look at my day. If I have a lot of clients that day, I'm a therapist, so it can be draining. and so I have to look at what I have for them and then do I have things after work and what do my kids need for me and I'll call my son and say we're getting takeout tonight if I just don't have enough and you know with my character defects I wanted people to be mind readers and that is probably one of my biggest character defects because communication is the only way to really understand each other. And I never knew how to communicate verbally in a kind way. And so, you know, if I'm really exhausted from the day, I'll come home and I'll say to my son, you know I just need 10 minutes to hang out with my dog and I'll be with you if you have, you know. And so we communicate and there's nothing wrong with needing to refill, recharge before I take on the next. But that wasn't my experience and how I grew up. It was always, you had to be full. It was, you now, I grew where it was, how are you today? And you didn't say good because what are you up to? And you did not say bad because what is your problem? You were fine. You were just fine. And so I don't have to be fine. Yeah, effed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional is fine. And I was, I was very fine for 39 years. Right, hence why we're all here. So, you know, I really don't want to show up in the people's lives that I love and be snappy and grouchy. And, you know, I want to be the best mom. I want To Be The Best I Can Be. And not just for the people outside of me so I can sleep at night. You know, I hold myself to a different standard. I mean, do I always get it right? Heck to the no. You know? But I try. And as the day goes on, I just kind of pay attention to how I'm showing up. And I really, you know... People will say, you know? How are you doing? And sometimes if they're not in program, I just wish I could say to them, ask my kid, ask my boyfriend. They're going to tell you how I'm doing. I'm going to telling you I'm rocking it. But the people who love me, who know me, maybe they see something different, you know? When I moved from like Fairfield County up to the north corner where I'm from, I was, you know, school was starting. I had two kids getting one in high school. there's a lot going on, all new doctors, new house, all this stuff. And my sister said to me on like day number four, she's like, so like where are the meetings you're going to? And I'm like, I haven't found any yet. And she's Like, uh-huh. And Sherry's not in program, but she knows my program and she knows the program. And, um, and she's well, there's probably some closer than you think. Well, there was one, like a mile and a half from our house, right in the center of town, three of them during the week so anyway um i'm not always the best judge of who i am i am getting better at knowing who iam and how i show up but i was always so focused paying attention outside of me not inside of me and so you know the character defects i mean i'm sure we all can run down the same list of pretty much what we had right we you know did all kinds of things but um The one thing I work really hard to not do is harm anyone or harm myself. And part of that harm for me, just a living amends that I really work on all the time is not taking people's peace and serenity away. Because I learned that was something I did a lot of. And the people I made amends to say sorry for that were like, no, no, we're just happy you're sobered. Just stay the course, you know? And oh no, it was okay. But you know what? It wasn't okay. It was not okay. And you know, one of my, my oldest child still has anxiety and they've traveled this road with me and we talk openly. And just last summer she said to me how, cause she's been saying, yeah, I'm still pretty ramped up with us living together, you know and they've only lived with me I mean it's but she's like you know you still I still am not sure what mom I'm gonna get and um and that was up till about three years ago and she was like no no I'm pretty certain I'm Pretty Certain I'm Gonna Get the Same Mom and just last year she said to me you're always the same mom you know and one of them called me you were so consistent once like just being like grouchy like And I'm like, wahoo, like finally. And they're like, they didn't mean it as a positive, but I was like, woohoo. So, you know, I have, you know, all the humanness and all those character defects and all that. But I really, I try to work from a strength perspective in life versus you know perspective of um you know non-success because i can stay in the you know i've heard people um some people in a couple of people i'm thinking of from bridgeport who would always be just so down like hey like i'm bad on this on that and i'm like dude where's your sponsor like you're supposed to be over that part by now like you have to go through it and be right with yourself but you know we are all good, amazing, wonderful miracles. And getting to the other side of our pain and trauma and harm and all that, it's like we can now settle in to getting characteristics for ourselves that make us proud of ourselves, proud to be alive, proud with humans. And the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety but it's connection and like connecting with other humans at a level where it's intimate you know where I can see into you and you can see him to me and and it's lovely and it vulnerable and it peaceful and its kind and it you know a gift because it's the only time I get to be this in this lifetime, and I'm glad, even though it took 39 years to realize I needed help, I'm glad I finally got the okay from God that he'd give me what I needed to get it. So, thanks. Hi, everybody. I'm Rick Alcoholic. Hey, Rick. I could have taken a nap after lunch, I think. Well, you just had 20 minutes. Let's see. So on page 75, it says on page 75, carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last is our work solid so far are the stones properly in place have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation have we tried to make mortar without sand I have to look at those before I can even attempt step six I have to look up the first five proposals I have to look at my inventory i have to look at um whether or not i'm admitting i'm an alcoholic first you know am i am i have to Look at those those things and and i have To look at step two you know came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity you know i have I have to start to develop a connection with my higher power in those first five proposals before i can actually physically honestly look at step six. You know, it says that we have to make a list and ask God if he can remove these defects of character. You know I have to first believe I have defects of character. I'm somebody as perfect as I am. I mean I can't have defects of character, can I? Because when I was active that's what I felt I felt I was perfect I felt that I didn't need to improve on anything after doing inventory and looking at these proposals that we looked at you know I found a lot of defects of character that I wasn't proud of a lot things that I wanted to remove and like Sonia said I'm not good enough to remove these on my own I can't do this there's a spot in the big book where it says if a better code of morals would relieve my alcoholism I wouldn't have to be here I don't have a good code of morals especially when I was active You know, I stepped on everybody's toes. I tried to make everything go my way. And and I found after doing my inventory, like we said, if you if you've done your inventory and you're happy about it, frigging something, you miss something, because that means you didn't look at something. That means you missed something in that inventory. When I got done with my inventory. I was not a proud person of who Rick really was. And I'm grateful for that. I really am. You know, it's hard to say that we're grateful about looking at how bad a person we are, but I'm glad I see that today. I can see those defects of character. You know? I had to put those down on paper and like Sonya said, the principle to this step is willingness. Am I willing to have God remove all of those things that I believe are objectionable? I love that word, objectionable. I've used that at my men's meeting at my house sometimes and people look at me like, what the hell does that mean? And I'm like, alright, here's an analogy for you. When that pile of laundry builds up in your laundry basket and it's spilling over and you've got no socks and no underwear and you literally don't have any clothes to wear. It becomes objectionable to us. I've got to do laundry, right? And I said, what about your car? You know, you drive your car forever and you don't wash it and this time of year it gets terrible and you keep saying to yourself, you know what, I've gotta wash my car. I've Gotta get to the car wash. I've Got to do that. You don't do it and you don't do it. And it gets worse and all of a sudden somebody's writing, wash me in your windows. And that becomes objectionable to you because they're touching your car. But again, that's how we have to look at our defects of character is that those things become objectionable to me. And then I do something about them. My defects of character I had for years. How can I say that stuff's objectionable to me I've owned that stuff all my life and um and the reason that I never looked at them before because I I kind of liked them I kind of liked what I was and who I was and then I did this inventory and I like I said already I wasn't proud of who I become I had wasn't proud of, of what I looked like on the outside. And, and honestly, I wasn't proud of what I looked on the inside even more. And that became objectionable to me. That's when it started to bug me. It bugged all the people in my world. I mean, they thought, they thought my drinking was objectionable and a lot of them told me about it. But but until it became objection able to me, I didn't do anything about it and and this step is where i get rid of that stuff i have to be willing to let god remove all of those defects of character that have been blocking me off from having a relationship with my higher power blocking me off from god and um and and that's the way i look at it too you know it there's a spot in the book where it says god either is or he isn't okay that was way back in the books And I chose back then that he was. Okay, and I would look at my defects of character and say to myself, you know what? God wouldn't be this way. God would not be that jealous person. God would Not be that angry person. God would NOT be that dishonest stealing thief. And that's how I look at all of those defects of character. I had to look at those and say to myself, OK, I don't believe that God wants me to be this way. So that's what I asked to be removed. And and to me, the willingness is definitely the key to this. I have to be willing to let go of all of those things. You know, it's funny, we look at all of the all of the other steps in this book and you know there's 51 pages in the beginning on step one there's literally a paragraph on page on step six you know it's only like five lines and and you know, it's funny how that how Bill did that to us you know he draws out the fourth step he draws out first step and then boom yeah remove these okay let's get rid of them and and you You know, I have to be willing. And, you know, we hear all the time about principles in this program, principles, principles, principals. And I'll be honest, for years I didn't know what they were. I had no clue how they – what they Were, what those 12 principles were. I would look through my book and say, did I miss that page? Or is it on page 36 or whatever? Where is it? You know, I'd never look, I never know where they were. And then I saw them on Sonia's fridge one day and I was like, huh. Had to take a picture of those on my phone. Sorry. I don't want the sound guy coming after me. Yeah, that's probably better. Let's see, where was I? Oh yeah, principal's on the fridge. I was hoping you'd forget. But anyways, that's, you know, ask somebody around the program. You know, go home to your home group and ask a few of those people in your home group what the principles are and see what they come up with. It's interesting. It's interested. I was here for a long time before I even really kind of applied them and looked at them. I'd been applying them to my life, but I never really kind of paid attention to what they actually physically were. So I'm rambling about the principles, hoping that Sonia's going to open that little cheat sheet she's got in her book and open it up. For what? Principles. You want all of them? I think they're in that book right there. She wasn't paying attention. Here they are. They're not on page 36. What do you know? um but six part a yeah that's right that's right this is the footnote on the bottom of page 30 so you know the 12 principles of our program are honesty hope faith courage integrity willingness happens to be the one we're on right now humility brotherly love discipline perseverance and spiritual awareness and service you know I never I looked at these and I said you know what I've been kind of practicing these principles without even knowing what they were it's odd how the program works but I never really knew what they were so I make sure that when I'm working with somebody I make sure I give them a copy of this it's funny I don't have a copy I know it's in my phone somewhere, but to me that's huge because this helps me to look at my defects of character. This helps meと look at where I wasn't hopeful, where I'm not faithful. We have to have faith that God's going to remove these defects of characters when I ask him if I'm willing to let them go. you know i somebody showed me this a long time ago and um and the the definitions of the or the comparison or analogies i have for hope and faith you know um i'm a mechanic by trade i own my own auto repair business and you know if you're a regular customer of mine you have faith that i can fix your car you've been coming to my shop for years and and every time you come to pick up your car. That car works. It's fixed. So you have faith that I'm going to be able to fix that car. That same customer recommends somebody completely new to me. They don't know me. So they have hope that I can fix their car. They're coming to me hoping that I can fix the car. And they don't develop that faith until they've seen it work and they've seeing it happen. That's what this program to me is. We all come in here with hope, thinking that hope that this will fix my life, that this'll help me to become a better person. And after we're here for a while, we have faith because we start to feel better. We see that faith. We've seen that hope working in other people. We seen that faith working in another people and then we do this program and we start to live this program, we start to live by these principles. And then we have faith that this program works. I have faith in this program. I really do. You know, I asked God to remove my defects of character way back when. And I'll be totally honest with you. I hang on to a couple of them here and there. A couple of me creep back in every now and then. and Sonia will tell you this, I mean I can be sarcastic at times and I like to think that I'm kind of one of those people that has a good sense of humor and I confuse sarcasm sometimes with humor there's a fine line between sarcasm and humor once you know the definition of sarcasm it kind of broadens that line a little bit more i think but um you know if i'm ready and willing to let god remove these defects of character um i know they'll be removed because i have faith i've seen it happen in other people i've seeing it happen in me and um and and that's this principle that we deal with right now on this step is willingness i think that's kind of all i have with step six and we can move on to seven if you'd like honey i would love to you want me to i'd love step seven let me let me do something all right let me um let me share a little bit on step seven and then you can come back to me in a few minutes i just wanted to read this here first okay so now we're on step seven. And like I mentioned already, Bill's pretty funny. He gives us another paragraph on step 7. That's all he gives us on step 6. And it's funny because it's not really even a paragraph. It's a prayer. It is the seventh step prayer. So remember back when we did the third step prayer we never had an amen at the end of that prayer i think that um that bill did that for a reason because i think he wants us to stay in a state of prayer from three to seven because those are the working steps i call them you know where we're actually doing inventory we're asking god to remove our defects of character we're having we're admitting to god and to our fellow somebody else you know our wrongs and what we've done we've shared our inventories and stuff like that those are what they would I like to call the working steps three to seven and and and if you guys with a book if you have this seventh step prayer in your book if want to read along with me it's page Page 76. I'll give you guys time to find it if you want. So page 76, it says, when ready, we say something like this. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you remove from me every single defect of character which stands in my way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have then completed step seven. You know, and I like that prayer talks about what this program is. You know it's not, it's a process to get us closer to our higher power to do his bidding, not ours. That prayer says it huge right there. we're here to be of maximum usefulness to our fellows and I have to have a good conscious contact with my higher power to have him tell me when I need to be of service and how I need to be of service I think that sometimes people draw boundaries here on how to be of service and what we need to do for someone um i like to think that i don't have any boundaries to be honest with you i mean i might set a boundary that i'm not lending you money or i'm you're not living at my house or something like that but that boundary can be moved at times too you know and when i see the need or when i feel that god's pointing me in that direction that i can move that boundary a little bit. My boundaries aren't set in stone. I can easily move that boundary to help someone to be of service to someone that really needs it. You know, sometimes I need to let somebody have a little bit of money or I needto let somebody stay at my house or I need to fix a car for someone and not look for them to pay me for that repair bill, you know because they really need it because they're that person that really needs that help you know I think that this this tells us right here it says I pray now and now remove from me every single defect the character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows my useful miss to God and I have to be have a good conscious contact with my higher power to understand what he wants from me and that's what I believe this program is all about anyways it's bringing us there and hopefully I can leave you some more time for that thank you applause applause applause you know it's interesting when I started dating Rick it's really easy to be dating somebody and see how they're so good to you, you know, like doting on me or doing this for me or being just great and opening doors and whatnot. But I had learned a few things by the time I met Rick and I realized, okay, it's really easy to do that for people that you're trying to woo or impress or court or whatever, I'm going to pay attention of how he treats everybody else. And that was one of the major things that really was attractive to me about Rick is that the way he treated me, he treats everybody like he has such a heart of service um it's really unbelievable and I witnessed it from day one and it's not ego or bolstering or I want you to like me it's the I just I will and he says that a lot like how um you know we'll be going for a ride after a meeting you know at in the meetings done at 11 at his house so we like to kind of be on the road you know half hour after or whatever And like somebody's car will be having a problem and he'll be, you know, under the hood and making plans to to drive this vehicle an hour to his work, which sometimes he's like, I don't even know if it's going to make it. I'm like, oh my God, make sure James is on speed dial. But you know what I mean? Like he really, you know, I was telling you about my sponsor Yvonne and she had asked what was my attraction to her being who she was. And when I got to know Rick and I was talking to Yvonn and I said, Yvonne, the best way I can describe Rick to you is he's you but in male form because his spirituality is just so giving and so freeing and powerful to me and to everyone else we come through. So it's a real gift to see it in action and learn more of that. You're welcome. so step seven humility is the principle and it's humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings um i can remember reading parts of this when i was at that house in canaan connecticut and calling up my then husband and saying oh my god this is so me and um he was like oh my god here we go um what's she crazy and about today um so um it's it's so true though it's so true like the poor thing um since okay so indeed attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of AA's 12 steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all AAs have found too that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven't much a chance of becoming truly happy. Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose or an adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. And that is so important to me that I can meet Any Emergency because life is full of the roller coaster and I don't know if they're all emergencies and I consider crisis, you know, if someone's in crisis it means we call 911. So I used to think everything was a crisis but I had to dial that back. Breaking my fingernail is not a crisis. And so glad I'm there. But anyway, I have a lot of things in my life as we all do and just being able to show up of sound mind and not allow my emotional state to take over and to come from a place of logic and fact. I call it thinking like a lawyer. Leave my emotions for later and go into the courtroom and just do what I gotta do and I can process feelings later. But before those feelings and emotions ran the show, so it was so impulsive. I would just go boom right there and it was always about my feelings, my tissue paper feelings. And I never had clarity because the storm was always so big and I couldn't see what I needed to see and I'd be making decisions that were not appropriate and didn't have a very good outcome. But then once I had humility, I could move from being impulsive to actually thinking and then the emotions would go down and it was relatively clear what the best avenue would be and the outcome would be a lot better. But that sounds super easy, but when you're as sick as somebody like me, it was not easy to practice because it was like zero to 500 in a second. You know, I was like a Mustang. And so certainly no alcoholic and surely no member of AA wants to deprecate material achievement, nor do we enter into debate with the many who still so passionately cling to the belief that to satisfy our basic natural desires is the main objective of life. But we are sure that no class of people in the world ever made a worse mess of trying to live by this formula than alcoholics. This part I love. For thousands of years, we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige and romance. When we seem to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. Then we were frustrated. Even in part, we drink for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted and how crippling that was. I mean, wow. I never understood that I had lacked the perspective to see that character building and the spiritual values had to come first and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living. And if you came to my old house when I got home from rehab, I had an old Victorian and the whole attic was redone. My sister's daughter used to help me. And the amount of stuff I had when I Got Home From Rehab made me sick. It was like that obsession was taken from me when my drinking was. And I started having yard sales, like it was unbelievable how gross it was to look at so much stuff. And it wasn't like quarter stuff. I mean, there was plenty of room. It was a big, it was just a lot. And i thought how disgusting, like that all of this defined who I was. Because at the time, I didn't know my soul was who I was, so all of, I needed a lot of stuff to say who I wasn't. Now granted, I'm not going to lie, I do like some stuff. However, the order of the spiritual values and character building has to come first. And I too, I remember I thought my sponsor was amazing when she said the chief, well, she didn't say exactly like this, but this was her deal. The chief activator of our defects had been self-centered fear. And then this part, primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. And that is the true story of my life. that created every single issue for me, as I was afraid you were going to take what was mine or I wasn't going to get what I deserved. And that fear drove me to so many places of disgust because I was greedy and I was self-centered and I thought I was so entitled to it all. And whatever you had too so it just it never ended like it said there was never enough and I love how they put of what we thought we wanted because I really did think I wanted all of that stuff and it mattered and for so many years it didn't fulfill me but shit I kept trying you know it just wouldn't work and the repeated humiliations that it took to come to that conclusion I mean unbelievable how many times I looked like a fool and had no idea but everyone around me thought what a fool you know it just it was really the insanity of it all um I like how it talks about um how humility is the you know we need to have it to just do step one to say that and believe we're powerless over alcohol and that's like the beginning of humility but i mean of being humbled but the the amount that we need to set or i needed to reset the course of my life that was not going to happen overnight and so i had to pay attention to my character defects about how I wanted everything yesterday. You know, I want it and I want it now. And ultimately what I really learned is, you know, I started drinking and dabbling around in all this crazy when I was 13. However, I had all the behaviors when I was little. I mean, I can look back. I always had the 90% thinking. but that 10% drinking started in you know early adolescence and that's when I stopped growing emotionally you know so I stopped at 13 and then I did a bunch of stuff and then at 39 I came into the rooms and I literally had to go back to some of these things in some respects to back when I was 13, 14 to learn the emotional pieces that I didn't learn through the adolescent years that are for forming those certain strengths. And so, you know, yes, I had kids and I had a lot of other stuff and a lot of messes and whatever, but the emotional piece, that's what I stole from people because I could make money, I could do all kinds of things. my dad taught us and mom really great work ethic so it wasn't money but I needed somebody to take care of me emotionally and it's a hard enough job taking care of yourself emotionally nobody wants that job and maybe in the beginning it looks good you know but it doesn't last hence why all my relationships lasted about 18 months till I you know married the poor sucker then that one lasted a longer time, but it really was. It was the emotional need and I had to grow up there, but I hadto humble myself and Ihad to see how that pattern played out and how that was ruining my life and how I needed to learn how to growup and take care of myself that way because I kept attaching myself to people who I had that expectation. And when they didn't follow through, well, Sonia got a little upset. So now I'm able to take care of myself emotionally on a day-to-day basis. But when bad things happen, I need support, of course, but on a basic day-to-day. And so in my relationship, I show up as a whole person. I'm not draining Rick. He shows up as the whole person and like we can support each other, but we're not, you know, asking for more than what one person should give. And that was huge for me. And this I love, everywhere we saw failure and misery transformed by humility into priceless assets. And that's what this program is all about, turning our failures into assets and transforming them. A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted rather than something we must have. It marked the time when we could commence to see the full implication of step seven, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Step seven is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us with humility as our guide to move out from ourselves towards others and towards God. And it's that connection piece, you know? We're all in it together, whether they're in program or not. The whole emphasis on step seven is on humility. It is really saying to us that we ought to be willing to try humility in seeking the removal of our other shortcomings just as we did when we admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Yep, if that degree of humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope of the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have and you know that's I plug into my higher power my creator all the time if I'm feeling like I'm moving away from that core you know it's like I review my principles and I know I have to plug in because God is the only thing that really, that faith. You know, when my faith is up here, my fear is down here. It's in direct correlation. And when I'm afraid, my faith istown here. And I recognize that today. So when it is going like this, I definitely say, okay, let's go. We got to plug in. And it can mean service. It can mean go to a meeting. It can means sitting quietly. whatever works but it's really important because without my creator I don't really have a whole lot of hope anymore so thanks Thanks Son You're welcome What do we got for time? 15 minutes? Yeah 17 Don't get me more than I need here So, defects of character can come in all kinds of forms. One of my defects of character is dishonesty. I had to pay attention to that because that dishonesty can be as simple as not being honest about where I'm going after work or what I'm doing. And we got a friend of ours that his middle name is, where is Matt? You know, I didn't realize that until I met Matt, I didn't realize that that was a defective character and part of dishonesty, to be honest with you. It was omitting from people, from conversation, what certain things were. But it taught me a lesson. This program has taught me a lot of different defects of character that maybe I didn' t ask to get removed. And I love this program because if I'm around here long enough, somebody's going to show me another defective character that I maybe didn't see and that I need to maybe take a look at. Again, I'm not perfect and I don't admit to be perfect. Sometimes I do, I should say. But I try to live my life based on what this program showed me. Um, I drank and drugged for 39 years. And this is kind of ironic. You know, Sonia came in when she was 39 years old. And that's exactly when I came in. I came into it, uh, I was 39 years old when I first came into this program. I was going through a divorce. I was, um, I was just a mess. And, um... I like to think that there's no coincidences here you know I mean that's why it's one of those things that Sonya and I have in common is not our age but our our age when we came into the program and and you know it's funny we we we have some of the same defects of character you know as as alcoholics we want what we want and we want it now even when we don't know what we want you know isn't that true it's true you know we demand something we don'T even know what we want and we're demanding it anyways you know i was i was like that in my life you know um somebody would show me something and i'd be like nope i don't want that but you don't even know i know i don'T want that i DON'T want THAT and and yet that was going to be the best thing for me although that was exactly what i really wanted but i just i because they wanted to give it to me or because they want to show me that's what i wanted i didn't want to listen so that's one of my defects of character i'm not open-minded or i wasn't in the beginning this program showed me how to be open-minded how to keep an open mind you know the longer i'm here the less i know and i and i i remember that that's something that i was taught is i have to be open minded to whatever comes my way whether it be another defective character that somebody shows me or or a good character asset that someone shows me i have a friend of mine that um benny is his name and he moved to florida and uh benny's a biker from framingham area and he ran a detox for a lot of years and in framingham and um was a member of tsdv and i know there's a couple guys here from there and um he moved to florida and every year we would go down and give benny his coin um he would ask us to come down and they don't do meetings down there like we do up here they don't have meetings, some of the meetings like we have down here. They don't have commitment meetings down there. And he would change that whole format for us to come in and give him his coin. And on the wall behind the speakers is two lists. And one of those lists is character assets. And another one is character defects and it's awesome you know i i hate to say it i i didn't have time to print them print them out i wanted to bring them up here for everybody but if you give me your cell phone number i'll make sure you get it i text it to you or whatever but it's awesome because on those character defects gossip is on the character defects one um i think three times Yeah, I think they really wanted to get the point across. But it's on that character defects three times. And contrary to that, you look at the character assets, and on the character Assets 1, love is on there three times." So those, to me, it says something to me. It says something to me that one of the biggest character defects I have is gossip. And I think, I hate to say it, it's just kind of a human personality trait, I think. But gossip can actually hurt people. It's like sarcasm. You know, we gossip about somebody and we all know that the story can start out down here and then by the time you get to here after it's been gossiped ten times, you know, it's completely blown out of proportion. And I have to pay attention to that. That's one of my character defects is gossip. I have to pay intention to that one because it's still kind of there a little bit. And sometimes I don't look at it as I'm gossiping. I think I'm being of help sometimes. And I hate to say it that way, but there's almost a fine line of should I tell somebody about their shortcoming of going back out? Because maybe we can be of help to that person and drag them back in. Or am I just kind of pointing out that they're they're weak and they don't have a higher power and they went out back out drinking. I have to pay attention to that one. I really do. And love is on the character assets for a reason too. It's on there three times for a reasons. I think he was trying to get the point across that we have to be a little more loving towards everybody in our lives and everything that goes on in our life. So, I don't know what time we got One thing, too, about gossip that I found really interesting because I have a lot of had and still have some trust issues is when people gossip, it really makes it a very untrusting atmosphere. and i know growing up it was my normal to sit when i was little and for a lot of years around with my family uh predominantly my mom my godmother my cousin my aunt and i and we would drink and they would just talk about everybody um and it was like what they did and i didn't know what else you would do with people. Like, I don't know. Like that's what you do. That's all I knew to do. And not all the time they were malicious, but it was just like they were doing it. And I can remember I got, well, shockingly, I got mad at my husband one time. How come you always go in the basement at my mom's with the kids? And my son, well actually it's my daughter, she's transgender but she piped up and said all we ever do at Mimi's is sit around and talk about people and it's not fun and it makes me feel uncomfortable 10 years old I was sober maybe eight nine ten young and he she had figured that out at such a young age and I was like wow and then fast forward, I'm doing all this work and I realized that that's part of the reason I never trusted any of those people because what were they saying about me? I couldn't trust. I would see my mom be so wonderful to her goddaughter and this and that and then she'd leave or hang up the phone and say, God, I can't stand her. Wow, what a pain in the ass. She's always on the phone. She never shuts up, da-da-da. And I'm like, wow, she just did this wonderful thing for you, and yet here we are. And it was just so confusing. And so that feeling of safety and trust gets very broken, I think, around gossip in circles. And it's just unsafe to me. So I mean, I definitely do it, you know? i'm not you know perfect but um you know i really i really do limb i don't think i i definitely don't do it to the level i did and if i have something to say because i do have to say things i'm very cautious i will say it to rick i will stay with her and i will say it's my sister um i will not say it for my mother um and i love her but sometimes now she can't hear so she doesn't hear you say don't say anything or she forgets. So God love her but you know you can't go there. So you know I remember riding with Rick in the beginning in his truck and we were driving down the road and we're talking about something and I said oh I trust you 100% and I tapped his leg and we got to the stop sign and he just looked at me and he said no you don't and I was like called out on my bullshit and he's I said what and he said you're starting to trust me he said but you don'T trust me a hundred percent now and that's okay that is okay I'm gonna keep showing up being me and you'll decide if I'm trustworthy and I was like blown away. Like somebody was giving me permission to learn to trust them and to give me time. And you know, my character defects didn't play that game. So I had to learn a lot of how to embrace and be open and willing and let go of the stuff that guards me. And it wasn't guarding me anymore but being honest and transparent does guard me so that makes me feel good oh you found it so everybody get their pen ready because you might find one of these defects of character that you've been missing. You really don't need your pens. I'm joking. So here we go. Envy, worry, revenge, gossiping, anxiety, bigotry, egotism, jealousy, arrogance, inadequacy, Dishonesty, dishonesty, false pride, selfishness, intolerance, frustration, instability, self-seeking, condemnation, uncharitable, gossiping. There's two. Fear, anger, hatred, remorse, conceit, laziness, self-pity. Anybody know what the next one is? Thank you. Impatience, resentment. OK, hopefully somebody wrote something down they've been missing. i'll send it to you rob you know what else i'll send it to dion that's what i'll send it so she can pick you apart when it then so so here here's the best part of this whole thing all right get ready because this is the one you probably want to lean towards all right this is character assets acceptance assertive forgiveness Open-minded, responsible, dependable, willingness, tranquility, self-respect, generosity, confidence, punctuality, tolerance, motivation, sincerity, spirituality, love, stability, humility, Gratitude, honesty, patience, peaceful, selfless, charity, faith, happiness, praise, pride, trust, hope. Next one? Love. Thank you. Serenity. now hopefully you work towards all of those and work away from the first list I think that's all we got right now for six and seven