Step 6 and the Character Defects She Thought She Didn’t Have – Ann P.

About This Speaker Tape

Ireland, a house full of fighting, and a pillow pressed over her head to drown out the sound of her father beating her mother. Ann P. grew up in a world of "guilt, remorse, and fear," where she learned early that love was synonymous with getting hit.

She fled to California with a green card and a paper sack, carrying a "mental twist" and a deep-seated belief that she was no good. She navigated the wreckage of her youth through a blur of Ripple wine and violent relationships, identifying with the marginalized and the broken. From a 4x4 room in Gardena where she curled up like a baby, to the grit of Anaheim Street, she chased a "secret to living" in a bottle.

Now, thirteen years sober, she views her Higher Power as the director while she is merely the agent, working through the shortcomings of a life spent in a "horrible tunnel" and the heavy responsibility of the wreckage left behind.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Anne P. opens by welcoming newcomers and reflecting on the feeling of finally being wanted.
• 5:15 Discussion of Step 1 and the struggle with the 'manageability' of her life.
• 12:40 Story about John B. and the threat that forced her to finally write her Fourth Step inventory.
• 18:20 Recounting her childhood in Ireland, the violence of her father, and the 'brainstorm' in second grade.
• 25:10 The 'secret to living' found at age 14: a bottle of cognac and a pound note.
• 34:45 The chaos of her drinking years in California, including the 'Ripple' trips and the car accident.
• 45:10 The raw admission of abusing her children and the deep shame associated with it.
• 52:30 The moment of clarity involving Anacin and the decision to return to AA on June 16, 1968.
• 58:15 The struggle to find a Higher Power and the realization that she had surrendered the alcohol but not herself.
• 1:05:20 The process of learning to read and write as an adult with the help of a child psychologist.
• 1:12:40 Laughter: The irony of working as a librarian at a Catholic school.
• 1:18:10 Final reflections on her father's death and the realization that she is not a mistake.