Step 6 and the Character Defects She Thought She Didn’t Have – Ann P.

The next person is Anne P. from Westminster. Hi, my name is Anne and I'm an alcoholic. And it's good to be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd like to welcome the newcomer. And God, I can truly tell you, you're in for a truly very exciting adventure if you stay around here. I would also like to thank Richard for inviting me here. Oh, I don't want to start out this way. When Richard called me to come up and share at this particular meeting, I said, are you sure you want me? And he said, yeah, we want you. You know how that meant to me that nobody has ever wanted me, but I found a place in Alcoholics Anonymous where they want me. I would like to be somebody else this morning. I'd like to stand up here and be very well educated and very elegant, but I'm just Annie. And I don't want to be called Irish Annie anymore because everybody thinks I'm a little old lady with gray hair, with a walking stick. I really, really have enjoyed this conference. I really enjoyed every one of the speakers, and I'm having a hard time with my legs here right now. There's people in this room that I've met when I was up in Reno one time that love me, and there's people on the other side of the room and there are people in these rooms that have been friends of mine for a long time that love Me in D.C. I know there's a couple out there that really care about me. I listened to all the speakers through the whole convention and I identified little pieces and parts of me. And when Jack talked last night, he touched my heart. And I left here, and I went outside, and I wanted my mommy. I have a little kid inside of me that pops out. And I was, I am not good enough. I am NOT good enough, is what it is. And I ran into a little girl, and she just looked at me. and she just held me and I went into the hospitality. I'm a very selfish, self-centered person and that's what it's all about is that I'm here to work on my self-centredness. I was very worried that Richard wasn't going to give me a cassage. Everybody else got one and I thought he's not going to do it. He's not gonna give me one but he gave it to me this morning and I was Very, Very Happy. My first cassage was over at Duffy's. in Calistoga, and I never had a corsage either, so I could really relate to Diane yesterday when she talked about getting her first corsage. I missed a lot of my life, but God has been good to me. He's given me a lot back since I've come to you. I would like to share with you parts of me. I can't share all of me with you, but I'd like to show you a little bit of me and share parts of myself with you this morning. it's beyond my wildest dreams or i would be in sacramento at a convention and if someone had told me when i came through the doors that i wouldbe up here sharing at this meeting on a sunday morning a little over 13 years ago i would have said you gotta be kidding because they didn't let me talk when i became to alcoholics anonymous because everything that came out of my mouth was all very distorted if you're new here this morning i ran around and i looked for the secret and i knew everybody had the secret nobody would tell me the secret and i just knew they had the secret and I kept saying will you please tell me this secret where is it how do I do it and I want you to know that the secret is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the secret is in The 12 Steps and you hang on you know they say it takes what it takes to get to Alcoholics Anonymous and it's taken every bit of me to stay here with you. When I got here, I got here at the age of 23 and I looked around and I thought, man, they're all over 35 and they've got one foot in the grave and they're going to die, you know? I'm too young for Alcoholics Anonymous. I've got a lot of living to do. And I was worried about my friends in those bars and I left AlcoholicsAnonymous and I drank. I didn't stay. I couldn't say had a slip, I left and I went out and I drank. And I came back eight months later totally shattered and broken because alcohol stopped working for me. And they talked a lot about steps when I came here and I used to wonder where those steps were and how often am I going to have to run up and down those bloody things, you know? And how am I ever going to get anything done? And life is going to be so boring, you know, sitting in those AAA meetings. And one day I hear those steps. The steps mean a great deal to me. I don't work the steps today. Aren't you all shocked? I live the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous today. I live them because there's not a day that goes by that I know when there's something going on inside of me and I know what step I'm supposed to be on. And when I hear Those Steps at that time, this is how I applied those steps at that time they said we admit we're parlors over alcohol and our lives are becoming manageable and yes i could admit i was parlors of alcohol but i never managed my life i don't identify with drunks who manage their lives i got to thinking about something man and i went and did it you know and suffer the consequences later i have more problems with that second half of that step today than i did when i walked through the doors because i'm trying to manage my life my kids life and my husband's life and all the girls i sponsor in alcoholics anonymous i go into management i forget that god is the director and i'm the agent you know yeah so i have to be very careful on that step today on the second half of it and the next step it says we came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and i didn't have very much sanity when i came here i knew i was insane and i don't have every much today but i've got enough to stay sober and that's all I need. And I thought that that step said that it would restore me to sanity and I kept wanting to get really sane, you know? And I'm so grateful for that step because I look back on my life and some of the things that I've done, I had to be really nuts. You know, it talks about the mental twist that we have in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I heard that, I thought, boy, I'll get that mental twist straightened out and I'll leave, you now? And it's just got a little few bends in it today. Then they want me to make a decision. My God, I'll screw up a free lunch. And they want Me to make the decision to turn My will and My life over to the care of God. And I didn't want anything to do with God. I was scared to death of God, and I said, I can't make a decision now if He was all dressed up in a nice suit and looked good. Man, I could make a decision real quick, you know, turn My will and my life over. And you people didn't understand the people I ran with. I turned my will of my life over all the time, and they screwed up my life. And so I turned My Will of My Life over to the care of people in Alcoholics Anonymous because they were doing something with their lives that I couldn't do, and I turned it over to The Groups. And then they want me to take a fourth step. I've taken lots of fourth steps since that time. But there was a great big guy, John Brown, and he stood about 5'7". He wasn't 5' 7". He'll kill me. He was 6' 7", and he was 200, about 250 pounds. and he probably was the only man that I was scared of when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and we spent a lot of time at his house. His wife was my sponsor at that time and he threatened me that if I didn't take this inventory that he was going to announce it all over Huntington Beach till I hadn't worked the fourth and fifth step and God forbid if you thought I wasn't working your lousy steps I didnít want that going around Huntington beach so I went out immediately and I picked up a pen and I got a pad and I went over to my sponsor's house and I spent every Monday night instead of going to the Monday night meeting and I sat there. And I said, now Lois, I'll tell you, you write it. And she kind of looked at me real strange. You know, I couldn't get it through her head. And she said, Annie, I did my inventory. I'm not going to do yours. And I says, that's what sponsors are supposed to do, is do their inventory. And she says, no baby, I'm just going to write it down. I'm going to tell her, I don't want to do it. But you see, I could not tell her. And she was my first person I told one of my secrets. I'm so ashamed of it. Still, sometimes I couldn't read and I couldn'T write when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And she said, Annie, you do it the best way you know how. And I was willing because a big book says how it works is honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. And I went home and I made a lot of marks on that pad. And it took me about a period of three months to do that inventory. And I went back to that lady and I gave her that inventory and I took my fifth step with her. And from what I understand, by this time you're supposed to be down to finding your character defects in step six. And God, I didn't have any character defects when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. How the hell can you have character defects if you've got no character? For crying out loud, you know? i didn't i have more character defects today than i did when i came to you and they're all there you know and i'm always looking at something in my character defects i'm so aware of them today and then the seventh step we humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings that is a very difficult step for me because to see that is the step for mcdonald's me that I can come here to you and I can be wonderful and I can work a program and I leave here and I go home and I can be a real bitch. And I torment my family. And you see, that's the step that I have to work in my home life because I got a lot of shortcomings with kids and with my husband and with other people that's in my life. I did make a list of people and I did an amends and I made an ammends to me And it took me a long time to make an amends to me. And I'd like to stand here and tell you that I do an inventory every day. The only time I really take an inventory, and I've been taking a lot of inventory, I thought 81 was never going to end. I really thought it was never gonna end. I was so glad when 82 came in. I said, oh my God, it's a brand new year. And I'm so glad it's brand new new year and God never lets up on me for some reason. You're looking at the first saint in Alcoholics Anonymous. we're going to get in there some way, and I do look over my day, and I do try to see if I have hurt somebody, and sometimes I like to hang on to it. I love the agony. You know, I enjoy the agony, and I take my blanket and my thumb, and my blindness, and I go to the bedroom, and I say, screw them. You know, they deserve it, but I let go of it because, you see, today I don't like to hurt inside and I the 11th step is my freedom step and when I was new I couldn't do that 11th step and I could not meditate because I would close my eyes and meditate and I would try and think of my group and I and then I would get into all these weird things in my head I think about sex things and all kinds of things and I'd fall asleep and so I couldn'T meditate so I used to tell me in hunting beach i'd frantic frantic serenity and today i meditate and today meditation to me is very very simple it's simple because today it's just consciously thinking of my higher power and i feel him here so strong this morning he's with me because they see you brought all yours with you and you are here and we're all one together and the 12 step haven't had a spiritual awakening with the result of these steps we try to carry this mess to alcoholics and still suffer and my spiritual awakening is the fact that i'm still here with you now i want to go back into that inventory that first inventory that i took and i wantto share with you some of the things that i found and i told you i had no character defects and i hadno resentments and the only thing that stood out on me was i was very hostile the reason i called my psychiatrist he wasn't a psychiatrist, a psychologist for Diane was because Diane was the second gal that ever asked me to sponsor her. And she came into Alcoholics Anonymous and she came in and she was very hostile and I had just come out of that horrible, horrible tunnel. And I was so afraid I'd catch what she had and I didn't want it, you know. And so I didn't Want to sponsor her and I tried. And we've, I am so close to that little girl today we are just so close and sometimes no words have to go across it's just that bonding that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous and she has grown so much because I remember when I threw that inventory I went back and I'm Irish and I am Catholic and if there is any Irish in here today God this is my story don't tar and feather me after this meeting please these are just my feelings and how i saw it and that jack talked about his family and and his you know the priest you know my family we're all drunks my father raised alcoholics he didn't raise anybody to go to the priesthood and it's sad you know they're really weird there's a really strange family i'm the only one sober out of that family and it saddens my heart that i'm the only ones sober but that's the way my higher power wants it for today doesn't mean that they'll never get sober. But through this inventory, I went back and I was going back to when I was about six years of age. And I was eight child out of ten. And I hated being Irish. I hated it. I hated living with this horrible family that fought all the time. They were always fighting. And I had tremendous fears as a little girl. And my dad would go to the pub and he'd come home and he beat up my mother. And I would go in bed and I would have the pillow over my head and I would pray to that God that they told me about. And I'd say, please let him kill her or maybe she'll kill him or maybe I'll die. And i grew up the next morning and i had all this stuff going on inside of me and i couldn't label them. Andi had this hurt inside ofme and i couldn't labell. I didn't know what it was. And what itwas was guilt, remorse and fear and as a bad child for thinking bad things of my parents. I went to catholic school not because we're rich simply because that's all there is in the part of Ireland I come from. People ask me, how come you didn't learn when you went to Catholic school? You know, you go to Catholic school, you're supposed to learn. And I always tell them, well, you didn'T have Irish nuns. Most of them are very frustrated. My sponsor, who is Mary R., I was telling Mary my sad story about what these nuns did to me. And Mary looked at me one day and she said, you know, Annie, she said I had German nuns, she said, and they're much worse because they're trained by Hitler. So what I want you to know is that it doesn't matter how bad you had, there's always somebody else in Alcoholics Anonymous who's got it worse. But it started for me in school, and I want to share part of my younger years because, you see, I believed for me that I was emotionally disturbed and i was heading for alcohol whether i was with this family or whether it was any other family would have made any difference because this is truly god's plan for me today but i went to school and all they did was beat on me and break hit me over the hands with the knuckles you know because i i was one of those kids that said why and i interrupted the class and the big book talks about brainstorms well i had my first brainstorm in second grade and i went into class one day and I had one of those brainstorms and I decided I was so tired of this nun hitting me I was going to get her. And I did. I up and slapped the one across the face and Mother Superior and 30 kids saw me do it and I wasn't a very bright child and I stood there with my head hanging and I said, I didn't do it. You know? And they took me out of there and they took be down to another grade and I was, Catholics used to go for a lot of statues and I went, had to kneel in front of these two great big statues and I assumed I was supposed to pray. I always say it was three weeks. It probably was a week, but it felt three weeks when you're in second grade. And they wouldn't let me back in the class, so I apologized to the class. And so I decided I'd apologize to the classroom. And I went back up to the bathroom and I stood in front of the room with my head hanging and I said, I'm sorry, but did you see something else happened that day? It was them against me. They shouldn't have done that to me. It was always you against me? I didn't have a chance in hell. I left school. By the time I got out of school, my memories of school was put in the dunce's corner with a big D and put outside the door, and my mother coming over and slapped me across the face in front of all the class, and they didn't know what to do with me. They were going to break my will is what they were goingto do withme, but instead they almost broke my spirit. I left and went to work, and I'd like to tell you, yes, I had some of those hopes and those dreams that everybody else had. I was going to find me a nice Irish fella and get married and have a whole bunch of kids. And I'm so glad that God doesn't answer stupid prayers, you know. Because it would have been one big hell of a thing. I went to work in a factory, and I found boys, andI found booze at the age of 14. And I found the key to living is what I found. And I remember my first drink, andi remember my last drink, and there was a lot of drinking in between. And this guy told me that if I drank this half a bottle of cognac and I didn't stop, he would give me a pound note, which at that time was equivalent to $3 in your money. And I drank that stuff down. And I went into the bathroom, and I got very sick. And I came back out and crawled back out, and I said, give me my money, I would have done anything at 14 for money, absolutely anything. And I Went up to the bar and ordered another drink. And I know what it did for me. And what it Did For Me, that knot that I had from the memory of six years of age was taken out of me. It was gone and it didn't matter whether my father beat up my mother. It didn't Matter Whether I Had No Education. It Didn't Matter Whatever There Was No Food In Our House. I Had Found The Secret To Living. I Didn't Drink Every Day From That Point On, But I Drank At Every Opportunity From That Point On. If You Want To Be A Drunk, Go To Ireland And Be A drunk. It's a fantastic country to drink in. You don't have to be 21 to drink it. By the time I was 17 years of age, my father made a big decision for me. I had nothing to do with this decision. He decided that I should come to California because the streets were paved with gold. And I asked him at that time. There's an English guy here. I hope he doesn't get his feelings hurt. I asked them at that times. My aunt made out all my papers and I didn't care where they were sending me because, you see, wherever I was going to go, it was going to be different. And nobody would ever know I was Irish. I had a brogue like I stepped off the boat, but you weren't ever going to know that I was Iris. Now, I like being Irish today simply because if it wasn't for us Irish, you could hold your AA meetings in a phone booth, you know. We really help support Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember at that time, I'd never been anywhere in Ireland. I mean, I got to Dublin to the zoo and all of a sudden he's sending me to the ends the earth and i remember asking him i said dad i said would you let me go to england i would be love to go to english for one year and i'd be glad to go on to the states and he looked at me and he said by god he said no he said the queen of england has screwed up that half of the family and by god she ain't gonna screw up this half of their family so you know the poor queen has been blamed for more irish going wrong than anybody i know you know i don't know who he blamed for me but he blamed somebody because we have a hard time, and I blamed everybody for my life. I'm grateful that today with Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm able to take responsibility for my behavior and my actions in my mouth. I came here, andI remember getting on that plane, and I remember coming, andi remember drinking champagne, and I remembered the feeling, and the feeling was freedom. God, it was going to be so free. And I was never to own that feeling again until I came to AlcoholicsAnonymous. And it didn't happen for me in the first three months. It didn't happened for me in the third three years. But I have that feeling of freedom today inside of me. I am free of the bondage of oneself. I am freed inside. I have choices today that I never thought I had. And you people taught me all that. I didn't come in here knowing that. I got here, I lived in Palos Verdes with a family. She had four boys and he was an orthodontist. and I came here with my teeth in bad shape and they fixed my teeth and I look good. This woman had a bar in her house so I was very impressed and she used to drink 180 proof vodka and I used to drank 108 proof vodka and I'd fill that bottle up with water and then when she drank it she couldn't understand how come she couldn'T get a buzz on. She was drinking all water. I drove these people absolutely totally insane. They didn't know what to do with me but I didn't Know What To Do With Me Either. This family was a very good family, and I did go back to these people. And she was so glad that I had found Alcoholics Anonymous. All she said was, I knew there was something wrong with you, but we didn't know what. And she took me down to Redondo Beach High, and she wanted me to go to school. And I couldn't tell her my secret. I couldn'T tell her that I couldn' t go into that classroom. I couldn''t tell her I couldn ''t go intothat office and write my name. And I'm shaking so bad, andI was scared to death. and I tell you today what was happening to me I was going into a catatonic state of mind with absolute total fear just fear and she looked at me and she said Annie it's ok you don't have to go in there and I didn't haveto go inthere I ended up running around Redondo Beach Pier and I ran around with people who used a lot of drugs I got nothing against people who use drugs I just never got involved if I ever had to take speed they'd still be taking me off the walls because I was that hyper under the influence of alcohol And I remember I didn't get involved with drugs simply because I was terrified that if I was caught, I would be deported back to Ireland. And my father would meet me at Dublin Airport and he would literally kill me. He would kill me and I'd never live to tell what happened. And you see, my father had caught me smoking cigarettes when I was about 10 years of age. And as he's rubbing the cigarette down my throat, I'm saying I'm not smoking, you know. and he took a dog's leash to me and he beat me and he kicked me and I remember my mother running in and she said Jack you're going to kill her and he said yes I'm going to kill her, she's no good she never will be any good and you see that memory stayed with me and I always knew I was no good there was never any question in my mind that I was not good and so that memory kept me from using any kind of drugs that lady that I lived with she went down to the pier and she told them they didn't stop serving me she would have the places closed up. I moved on uptown. I had that horrible feeling inside of me I didn't know where I belonged. I didn' t belong with the American people even though I loved it here. I didn''t belong with you because if you had a high school diploma you were overeducated as far as I was concerned and all you talked about was education and getting better and bigger things and I didn ''t relate and I din'' t belong with the Irish because I didn'T want to be Irish and all they did was change addresses and they'd get drunk and fight and carry on So I took the less of two evils, and I decided I'd run around with Mexicans because, you see. I found out that when you run around mit Mexicans, the only difference between Mexicans and the Irish is that we ate potatoes and they ate beans. They drink hard, love hard, and beat the hell out of you on Saturday night whether you need it or not. And this guy, I picked this weird guy. He really was weird. He was weirder than me. He drank in the morning. I only drank at 2 o'clock in the afternoon at this time. And I ran around with this family, and I learned to use the talk in Spanish just like I was a native to the tongue. I'd like to tell you that I learned a lot of good words. I did, four-letter ones. And I, uh, ran around this family and he introduced me to the morning drink. And I was getting drunk and drinking and I don't know today whether the obsession for him or the obsession with alcohol was worse but both of them went pretty close together. If you're really interested in what I drank I didn't drink scotch and I didn' t drink vodka I drank anything I could get my hands on, but when I was buying, I drank Ripple. And if you've never been drunk on Ripple, you really missed the trip because I never felt cheated when I drank Riple. It used to be 37 cents a bottle, and when you drink Ripple you just drink water the next day and you're drunk all over again, you know. I got into Ripple and I loved it. I really did. You know, it gets you where you want to go real fast. And I'm running with this guy and he's jumping out of cars and it's getting beat up and it is exciting. It is really exciting but that is all I am worth. And I wanted this guy to marry me. Someone says in a program, I believe it is Norm Alpey, he says don't think and drink and I always think and I drink. And I started thinking one day and I decided this guy ought to marry me and make me an honest woman and I got that big obsession going on my head and he didn't want to marry me for some strange reason and I couldn't understand why he didn' t want to marry me so I decided I was going to kill him. I decided that I would kill him because one less mexican in this world would be all better off now i never owned a driver's license so i came to alcoholics anonymous and i had been drinking for about four days straight and i got him in the car and we're driving the car and he's so drunk he couldn't drive so he said you drive not that this is my big chance you know and i turned the wheel of the car and i turn off the freeway and i went down 25 feet in the bankman took 30 feet in guardrail and I almost, I didn't know that I could have killed me at that time. I got out of that one. I didnít have a license and I couldnít let go, you see. The whole family came down on me. Even if they do call you anti-Irish Mexican, they donít take too kindly to you messing with their people for some strange reason. I also learned another valuable lesson when you run with Mexican people is that you donít call the cops. I called the cops one night and he came after me and he got me in a phone booth and he kicked the door and he kicked me and I yelled uncle and you see I have no illusions there's not something missing in my head normal people would run home I crawled out of the phone booth and I went to the bar he was at and I said let's have a drink and we'll discuss it I couldn't let go because you see when I plug in I plug in and you say whether you like it or not you got me you gotmehere I plugged into Alcoholics Anonymous and I sent these people do anything to me But God, don't leave me. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me, I can't stand anybody to leave me." I ended up in Phoenix, Arizona with this obsession and I was absolutely insane. I had a very bad mouth. I got thrown out of Belmont Shores because the sailors didn't like the way I talked for some strange reason. And I used language that people didn't even know. You know, I mean that was second language in Ireland actually. I ended UP in Phoenix, AZ with this guy and I got very belligerent with this guy's wife I don't know what I said and I crawled out of the into the car and I went out to pass out and sleep and four guys came out after me and they pulled me on the back seat of the car and they worked me over good. They worked me över good and one guy said I'll go get the truck and run over her. I used to sit in my wake up in my sobriety and I would see those headlights and I these three guys jumped off of me and this guy ran and this boy came by me in the truck and I don' t know where to this day I got the sense to roll off that dirt road but I rolled off that dirt road. And I got up and my hair's full of gravel and my mouth, my face probably looks like a mag truck has hit it. And my dress is torn and I need a drink. God, I need a drink and I don't know where I am. You know, I don' t know where I am and the type of drunk. I never got your last name. I never knew where I lived. I lived by four mailboxes or Ralphs Market or somewhere. And I walk along the dirt road and I know I'm never going to get back to Los Angeles. And the guy comes along and he picks me up and we go get a bottle of wine and we go to the dirty motel. And that's how I learned to solve my problems. I don't know how to solve my problem. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, you talked a lot about dying. Yes, I know what it's like to die. I've died a thousand times out there and I also know what it's life to die when you come to the program of Alcoholics anonymous and you have to die to some of those old ideas. It took me a long time to let go of some of my old ideas I lived in this little room in Gardena and I used to call it my 4x4 I took very short geographicals I moved all the way from the top of the hill all theway to Gardena and there was a lot of little stopping places in between but this littleroom in Gardina I died in thislittleroom inGardena I usedto call itmy4x4 it had a hot plate and a sink and a bed and you had to go down the hall to take a shower and I didn't take too many showers because the only time I was ever relieved from my fear and my inadequacies and all of the stuff that went on inside of me was when I was drinking. They would all go away, and I had to drink a lot for them to go away. And I couldn't get down there, and it was overshooted to go down to take a shower because I was terrified to go downstairs and take a bath. I had no time to take shower, and if I didn't, I'd get drunk and I wouldn't take a shower. I got drunk instead. I remember in that little room, I remember curled up like a baby. I remember screaming inside of my head, God, if I could just find one person, one lousy person to understand me just one and I would get dressed as best as I could and I set out to find that one lousie person to understant me and it always ended up the same way I was dumped out of cars or beat up because to see I thought I identified love with getting beat up if you didn't hit me you didn' care about me for some strange reason and I wanted you to kill that part of me that was so rotten but I didn't know that you were going to kill the whole person if you killed that part of me. I started to call Ireland at this time because, you see, it was their fault. They shouldn't have sent me here. They should not have sentme here because I was not well equipped emotionally or education-wise and I would call them and Iwould say, It's your fault. Why did you do this to me? I would never be able to get any money to get it together to go home. And this gal took pity on me. I lived in that little room for six months and I died in thatlittle room. And this little gal came along, and she took pity on me. And she said, Annie, I'm going to move you out of there. And we're going to moving you out to Long Beach. And I moved over to Long beach. And you see, I had a little paper sack. I think it was at an Alphabeta or an Albertsons. And I always make sure I had my green card. God, I never lost my green car. I'd die if I lost my Green Card. And I almost had my little green card and a little paper sack, and then she took me over here. And I had the shakes. I always shook tremendously. I'm shaking this morning for different reasons. and I ran over to this gal I couldn't write my name but I'm very proud alcoholic I said I had all these degrees I'd walked across UCLA campus one day and automatically got a four year college degree I've been looking for an easier, softer way all my life and I had all these other things and all these well-meaning people would get me all these fancy jobs and I said no, I'm not interested I thought I'd do something different and I started to work the bars and my first job on the bar was on Pacific Coast Highway and it was me and the owner and anybody that came into the bar I'd beat them out the door a pool cue so nobody ever came into the bar and Bob was an alcoholic and a junkie and we would play that record over and over again take the world off of my shoulders and God I had just weighed so heavy on me and we drank everything in the place and one morning I walked up to work and I came to and I didn't have time to go up to the bar to get a drink and I walked up to where the cops were there and they're putting two by fours in the door and I kind of retreated and I ran back down to where he was at and I said Bob the cops are up there and he said I said they're putting two by fours in the door I said what we're going to do and he looked at me and he says Annie he said we drank everything in the place he said that nobody's got paid he said sit down have a drink and I did I sat down had a drink and the guy on the other side of our offer me a job that day and two weeks later he fired me and he fired because he didn't want my kind in his bar and God only knows I didn't know what my kind was and i remember when he fired me and i went home and i was so humiliated and i just was drinking and he told me that i drank too much and i picked up on the men and they didn't want me in there and i smelled because i didn't take too many showers and i went homeand i tried to take a shower and almost drowned myself and i uh i didn' t take showers for a long time when i came to alcoholic synonymous looking to go into the bathtub because i was afraid of the water i uh ended up going down to beauty college and getting my hair all fixed up and i went back up to show him to show him to tell him that i was okay and i went up to the bar and i'm sitting there i want anyone to talk to me i just want to show them and i look in the mirror and i've looked pretty good because i caught all this makeup a lot more than what i got on this morning and i sit there and i get that maybelline look as norm alpey says and you know i've been going through the change of life all my life and i got one of those terrible hot flashes and pretty soon I run my fingers through my hair and my eyebrows on my cheek and my eyes look like I got two black eyes and then I gotta go to the bathroom and I forget I got my legs wrapped around that bar stool and I take the bar stool and I'll whip me and I hear the guy say get that broad out of here just get her out of hier I ended up in Anaheim street and Anaheaim street is not a very nice place to be but it was very comfortable for me I belong there and I was down in Anahaim street and you know I've been sober 13 and a half years and it's taken me until last year to find out. I've been so grateful to my husband for over 16 years and I just discovered that that little guy was down in Anaheim Street and I didn't know that until last week. I've being so grateful, going around, oh, I'm so grateful. Dina's been so wonderful. You know, he got me in AnAHeim street not knowing that he was there with me. I learned very, very slow in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was down on AnAHEIM street and I met this skinny, puny little guy and he asked me to date me and I said do you work and he said no and I say do you find yourself a job and I'll be interested and he found himself a job because you see I couldn't support myself and I sure as hell wasn't going to support him and he was very very anxious and he wanted to get married for some strange reason but he hadn't done the one thing that everybody else had done you see he worked nights and I was still out running around and getting drunk and he'd say please don't get drunk and I'd say well you know all these people here they drink and I can't help it And so he got me. He gave me two of the nicest shiners I've ever owned. And I married him because I knew he loved me, because he hit me. And we got married and we moved back to Minnesota. And he was going to take care of me and I was going to drink in a manner I wanted to become accustomed to. And we went back to Venezuela and both his parents are dead today. And I didn't like them at that time. They were very beautiful people. They were a very beautiful family. But I looked at his mother and I looked to his father and I thought, my God. His mother didn't drink, she didn't smoke, she didn' t gossip to her church on Sunday and she didn''t screw around and I though, my god, I should have checked the sky a little bit more. What am I doing here, you know? And she kind of looked at me and thought, what did our son bring home? Now, I'd like to tell you that I drank fine wine. This woman didn't drank but she made the best choked cherry wine I ever drank and I sniffed it out and found it and I think she'd saved it for 12 years and I served it to some people and we drank the whole thing, and she came home, and she looked at me, and if her eyes could have been daggers, she would have cut me in two. And I turned to her, and I said, Lucy, don't worry about it. I'll buy you a bottle of Thunderbird tomorrow, you know. The only one in this whole family I liked was his sister. His sister was an alcoholic, and his sister is still a member of Alcoholics Anonymous today. And God gave me that privilege when I was carrying the disease to bring the message to that lady, and she will be 13 years sober in September 22nd. So do you see God does work in strange and mysterious ways. I left there after five months. I decided I made a terrible mistake, and I should have married that guy. I ought to go back to California and find that guy that was in California, that Mexican that really loved me, and get this thing on. And I went back. I left here, and I had another one of those brainstorms. I couldn't have worked if I had to. I was shaking so bad. And I couldn't have worked anyway because I couldnít tell this guy. I couldnís write my name. And I couldít fill out that application. And I decided, I got another one of those brainstorms. I decided what I needed was a baby. I get pregnant. Because someone told me when I was very young that when you get pregnant and have a baby, you automatically grow up, you know? And I want you ladies to know that they lied. They absolutely lied. I got pregnant and five minutes after Iím pregnant, and I don't want to be pregnant anymore. And I stayed drunk for that nine months, and I'm running out of time, and I want to get sober here because I've got so much to share with you in my sobriety. I ended up, I had that baby, and there was five other girls in that apartment that had babies, and every one of them were so happy about their babies. They were just absolutely, deliriously happy. And I was the last girl to go in to have the baby. And when they brought that baby to me, I didn't want her. I didn' t know how to feel for her. I didn''t have those feelings that the mothers talked about. I didn ''t have it inside of me. There was something wrong with me. And I went home with that baby, and I am so sick, and it's part of my illness, and I'm so sick and I don't know what to do for this baby. The responsibility was overwhelming for me. And I bring this little baby home, and I bring her home with a very sick mother, and I'd try to take care of this baby and she was a good baby. This baby today stands 5'8 and she is the most precious thing in my life today. But it wasn't that way then. It wasn't THAT way then at that time. I abused this little girl and many nights my husband had to pull me off of this little girls when I would go totally insane and I would beat on this little girll Little babies, I'm so ashamed Little babies I was so afraid that this little baby was going to do something to me I remember when she was six months old. I remember sitting in this chair with a half a gallon of wine, and I hated God. God, I hated him. I hated Him with every fiber of my being. I hated HIM. I could not understand why He made somebody like me, why I couldn't be like those other girls. I remember standing there in that chair with that baby screaming at Him. I also remember that when I was 19 years of age, I had seeked help I had gone to psychiatrists I had come to a priest because I'm Irish and I'm Catholic and I was told from I was that high that those priests had got all the answers I also remember when I ran off that freeway and that same priest came to me at that hospital and he gave me the last rites and he said to me that I was going to burn in the fires of hell because of circumstances of my life and what was going on at that time and he handed me his rosary And he said, you better start praying. And I also remember what I said. I said, You take your God and you take your rosary and you get the hell out of my life because if there is a hell, I'm living it. I'm leaving it right between my ears. I'm loving it. And my drinking and my life changed very drastically from that point on. And that night I didn't know what to do with that baby and I threw her in bed and I would beg my husband to stay home and he would stay home and I didn't want him to stay home because he ended far because you see I was still hitting the bars and I thought because I was married I had a license to say whatever I wanted to say to you because you See I couldn't talk to you I couldn' t talk to you unless I was drinking I couldn''t open my mouth and you gave me booze and everything that was inside of me it came out and it came out with such hate and such venom because I knew there was nobody in this world that could understand me and I still got beat up and I sill got black eyes and I still walked around in absolute total chaos. I got a little house. I told my husband what I needed was a little house and we got this little house, the same little house we still live in today and we moved to this littlehouse and this is the only time I remember in the ten years that I drank that I didn't drink and my sister had thrown me out and all my friends down in Anaheim Street didn't want anything to do with me. Most of my friends are dead today but they didn't wanna anything to deal with me because they said I was a hostile drunk and didn't want me around. And I didn't have anybody. And I remember my husband saying, you ought to straight up and fly right and you don't drink. And I did not drink. I did NOT drink for two whole weeks. I remember being at my sister's house and I remember she was so happy and her husband was so unhappy and my husband was also so happy and they were all so goddamn happy I could not stand it. I had to go home and get drunk. I could NOT stand it and I could continue to drink until I called Alcoholics Anonymous. I called alcoholics anonymous like I told you when I was 23 years of age and I want you to know through my own experience that if you're here this morning for your husband or you're hear this morning for your wife or you hear this one for your boyfriend or your mother your father Alcoholics Anonymous won't work you have to be here for yourself and I called my husband told me I better do something and to see I was told about Alcoholics Anonymous at 19 years of age someone had told me and I didn't know what an alcoholic was but I wasn't an alcoholic I didn t want to be an alcoholic And I remember coming. I remember calling this woman. I called them at 6 o'clock in the morning. They wouldn't answer the phone, and I got a little angry about that. And eventually someone came out, and wouldn't you know, they sent me an English lady. They sent me a limey. And this lady came out to my house, and she is so limey, and she's got a Cockney accent. And I'm thinking, don't they know I'm Irish? All of a sudden being Irish was very important. And I looked at that lady, andI waited. The house was an absolutely, totally disaster. And my little girl was running around. She always ran around with big black and blue marks down her little legs. And I got the half a gallon of wine sitting on the table. And I'm waiting for this lady to fix me. Wave the magic wand and fix me! And she didn't do that to me. But she did give me the magic one. Then the magic won. She gave me a list of meetings. And she told me that she didnít go to... She had 100 years sobriety too, by the way. 100 years of sobriery. I mean, she had about 20 years, and I was, no, I could not imagine life without drinking for 20 minutes, never mind 20 years. And she handed me this thing, and she said, I've got night blindness, andI didn't know what the hell night blindness was. I didn't have it. And she said,"You'll have to go to night meetings." And she says,"You call this girl." And she goes to a lot of night meetings. And my husband came home that day, and I told him that I called Alcoholics Anonymous, and he was so happy. God, he was grinning from ear to ear. He was so happy that I had called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, I'm going to a meeting tonight. And he said, I'll take you. And I say, Oh no, this girl is going to come and get me. And he says, You call her and tell her I'm gonna take you And he took me to my first meeting And I didn't want to go to Alcoholics Anonymous And we went down to this meeting We went in this room And later the lady that was in that room Was to become my sponsor And we ran into this room And he's running around telling everybody that either I'm a newcomer. Now, I didn't know anything about resentments and I didn'T know anything about any of those things and I DIDN'T want to be and I thought, how dare he? How dare he tell him I'M A NEWCOMER and I AM NOT TOO SURE WHETHER I WANT TO STAY ANYWAY and anything I CAN'T STAND IS FOR THAT S.O.B. TO BE HAPPY. DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY INSANE. I WORKED ON MAKING THIS GUY MISERABLE. WORKed on it really hard because he was the cause of my problems I ended up, I sat and I went to that one meeting. I didn't hear that you don't drink in between meetings. They never mentioned it, I don't believe. I didn'T know there was more than the one meeting, and this gal kept taking this meeting, and this one night I'm sitting in the meeting, they asked me to read the 12 traditions, and I got a lot of pride, and I get up, and I couldn't even see, read the print, and I stood up there, and the man realized in the front row that I couldn'T read, and he said the tradition and I said it after him and then right then in that moment I thought I joined a reading program and I'm not ready to learn to read yet and then they said do something for somebody else and I did I put my husband in the hospital because he had a bad back and I went out and I got drunk because that's the only thing I knew what to do I couldn't do it I couldn'T stay here I projected at 23 years of age that I would be 40 and sitting in those hard chairs and that was going to be part of the punishment for the rest of my life. And I didn't want to stay. I didn' t have a slip. I went out and I got drunk because there was some more drinking to be done. And I hope I never have to go back out there again. This gal that was a school teacher that took me to some meetings and this gal played a great part in my life and this girl used to call me and she would say, How are you doing Annie? And I would say I had so much to drink today and she'd say stupid things like I'm not interested in your drinking Annie. I want to be your friend I want to be your friend and God I long for somebody to be my friend but I knew that she just wanted me to go to these meetings and I didn't want to go to these meetings so I decided it was a recruiting thing and I would recruit somebody for you and you would get off my case so I called this friend of mine in Long Beach and I said Eileen you're an alcoholic and you ought to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and she said okay so I called this gal up, and I said, I found somebody for you. And she said, oh good, I'll come and get both of you, you know. And we went to a meeting, and we were in Anaheim, and we're coming out of the meeting, there was another gal in the car, and she's very precious to me today too, and her name is Sue M. And Sue has played a great part in my life, because to see God does work in strange ways. And when we left that meeting, we're in the car, and Sue turned around to me, and she said, Annie, when are you going to come back? And I said, I'm not an alcoholic. She is. Look at her. But do you see, that was the thing. That was the thing for me. Every time I picked up a drink, I thought I had this big sign on my back that said I was an alcoholic, and every time I pick up a drunk, I would hear that woman say, when know you coming back so i drank enough to come back to you i drank enough in that eight months to get back here to alcoholics anonymous alcohol stopped working now someone mentioned suicide here last night i've never been big on suicide myself yeah i uh when i mentioned suicide when i was new in huntington beach it used they never took me serious because they knew i was just going to jump off the curb you know i want to hurt myself i like living i'm a very curious person but on my last drunk my husband in that eight months had given up on me he stopped picking me up in bars and he stopped running me down and he started coming home and he wasn't around for me anymore to take care of me and he didn't take my abuse I have a mouth on me that won't quit and I ended up coming home and I got thrown out of a bar I'll tell you the story I decided what I needed was an affair and the guy didn't want to have an affair and God, I can't handle rejection It kills me. I never charged because I couldn't stand the rejection. I just could not stand it. And so I picked on this guy, and I decided I don't remember too much of this other than what I've been told. Your friends are always very quick to tell you. And I turned to this guy and I said, we're going motel. And he said, no, I'm not going anywhere with you. And I picked him up by the necktie. And as he's turning purple, he said the magic word. He said, you're crazy. And I went crazy. and four people took me out of that bar and they took me home and I stood on my porch and I had all of those horrible things going on inside of me and I thought, I'll kill myself. I'll Kill Myself and the strongest thing I had in the house was a big bottle of Anacin and I went in the House and I took out the big bottle of Anicin and I called Ireland to tell them what they did to me again and my neighbor came across the street and this woman had never stayed up past 10 o'clock in her life and she came across the street And she sat down and she said, Annie, go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, they don't understand me there either. She said, go Back to Alcoholic Anonymous She located my husband. He came home. He took a look at me and he left. And I don't know what happened between 2 o'clock and the next morning. But the next evening, I got up and I sat in my Salvation Army furniture. And I sat there. And they talk about a moment of clarity. And I had my moment of purity. I saw where I was going. And I didn't want to go. I'm a gal that came off of Beacon Street and Anaheim Street in Long Beach. And those are not nice places to come from. And I saw where I was going, and I was gonna lose it all. And the little girl is running around with the diaper on and the t-shirt and the legs all black and blue. And he sat there and he looked at me and I said, I'm gonna call that girl and I'm going to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And he looked up at me. He looked at my face and he said, Go ahead, Annie. Go ahead. Have another win. You have never completed anything in your life. and you won't stay there either. And I looked at him and I said, I'm not doing it for you and I'm nicht doing it für her but I've got to go see. I've gotta go see." I called that gal that wanted to be my friend and she picked me up on a Sunday morning on June 16th, 1968 and I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was shaking so bad and I was a very sick drunk. I used to get very sick. I would throw up till the boil would come off my stomach And I sat very, very close to the door. And I said on my hands and I shook and I sat there because I thought if I had to get out of here real quick, I can get out. And the man stood up here like I am this morning. And the men told me I was so self-centered. I didn't see anybody else in the room. It was just me. And he talked to me and he told me that I suffered from a threefold disease. He told me, I suffered form an allergy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind. and I was very spiritually ill. And you see, nobody ever told me that I had those things wrong with me. And he told me that it was the first drink that got me drunk, not the second drink or the third drink. It was the 1st drink. And he taught me that I could stay sober the same way that I drank by going to meetings every day. He said, if you're a daily drinker, you go to a meeting every day Now, do you see how I'm a daily thinker? I'm not a daily drunker and I'm periodic drunk. And I left that meeting and I'd like to tell you, God, I walked out of there and I had this fantastic spiritual awakening and everything was going to be fantastic and it wasn't. I wanted to drink. God, I wanted to drink one little beer. Just one little beer would take this thing out of me and I would be okay and it would stop my head from racing. One little beer and the man kept saying, you don't take the first drink. You don't take the first drink and you don' get drunk and I went to another meeting and I went to a lot of meetings and I'd like to tell you that I love to see newcomers coming into Alcoholics Anonymous and I see how well they do but I'd also like to say but I would like to show you some of the pain that I have shared or I've felt since I've come to this program because I had to feel a lot of pain and I hadto grow and Ihad to work through it and through my pain I have found that there is a strength within me that I never knew because you see there was always somebody going for me and it's always been my higher power he has always taken care of Annie I was nine months sober and nine months pregnant when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I gave birth to a baby boy. And I thought that now that I had found this thing in AlcoholicsAnonymous, I'm sober, I would have those things that the mommies talked about, and I would just love this baby boy, and I Would Be Okay. And they put that baby boy in my arms, and i didn't have that feeling again. It was more responsibility, and im abusing the kids. But something happened in that hospital. And what happened was, it says in the big book, that we admitted to our normal selves that we're alcoholics. And that's first step in recovery. And I admitted to my normal self that I was an alcoholic. And that was the first step of my recovery. I went home from the hospital with that baby boy. And I abused those children. I abused my children. I abused me husband. I used to chase him with knives. I stopped chasing him with knifes when I was three and a half years sober because my three-year-old said, I'll get the knife for you, Mommy. And I didn't think it was too nice. The only time I was okay was when I came to you and I sat in your meeting and I Sat here for an hour and a half. For one hour and A half, I was guaranteed. One hour and Half, I felt safe and secure. And I would go out of here and I was absolutely totally insane. And you said work the steps. I worked the steps to the best of my ability. I got very active in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, I was going to seven meetings a week. My sponsor, who played a great part in my life, my first sponsor, I got this woman when I was three weeks sober, and this woman gave me everything. She gave me Everything. And she used to come, and she would take my children out of the house, and she Would take them to her house because she knew what I was doing. And I didn't want to do it, honestly. I really didn't Want to do It. I didn' t know how not to do. I was two and a half years sober And I had another little girl And God, I needed another kid Like I needed a hole in the head It says in the big book You cannot transmit something you haven't got And God I didn't have it I didn' t have it But I needed so much myself And here I've got all these kids And I couldn't tell you I couldn' t tell you I'd go to meetings And I'd tell you what was happening And you would say It's in the book Read the book And I could' n read your book And I used to walk around my house with the big book on my arm, and I'd hold my head and I paced the floor and I pasted back and forth and back and forward and I thought, I'm going nuts. My little boy at two and a half years of age, I beat him. I beat his eyes all back in his head and a man came to the door. You know how alcoholics are? They're always ten miles out of the way but they stop by to see you, right? To have a cup of coffee and he stopped by And he said, oh, I just happened to be in the area. And I stood there with everything I came to you with. I had done that inventory. I had worked those steps. I had got involved in AA. I'd gone to every meeting. I picked up asteroids. I didn't like it, but I did it. I had gone on 12-step calls with sponsors. And I still had this thing going. And I stayed there and I thought, I'm going crazy. And he took the baby away from me. And he held that little baby boy. And I went to a meeting and I came back. to you and i said god somebody please help me please help me make this 180 degree deterrent there's 12 promises in the big book of alcoholics anonymous and you promised me you promised me that i would find peace of mind that i would lose self-pity that i would intuitively know how to handle situations they used to baffle me And I couldn't do it. The only thing I knew at two and a half years of sobriety was that I was not to drink under no circumstances was I to drink. And I went to that meeting, and I said, please, somebody help me. You didn't tell me to leave. You didn'T say get out of here. And I ran out of that meeting. I couldn'T cry when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And this lady came out after me, andI started to cry. I started to cry and I didn't think I was ever going to stop crying God didn't give us tears for nothing He gave us to use them To cleanse them It's a cleansing thing And I started crying She held me And she said Annie Some are sicker than others And you are one of the sicker ones And they took me to Orange County Psycho And I went to Orange Country Psycho I didn' t stay in Orange County Psychology I ended up I can tell you what my program was lacking. I had turned my will and my life over to the care of people in Alcoholics Anonymous, and all the people started to move away, and I didn't have a power greater than myself. I had surrendered my alcoholism when I was nine months sober and I knew there was an alcoholic, but I hadn't surrendered me. I hadn'T surrendered me like the third step process. I hadnT abandoned myself to him. I was still afraid of him. I had done an inventory and I gave it away and I took it back and you push all that garbage down inside of you and all this new stuff comes in, you're going to go crazy. You've got to let go. You've Got to Let It Go. Leave it with those people that have bigger shoulders than you. And this man, I ended up with a group of ladies who abused their children and I ran from that group because they threatened that they were going to take my kids away from me. I ended up with a psychologist. I'm not here to give you a plug for psychology, but I do believe what the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says. The big book says that those professional people are there to help us. And this woman that gave me life, that woman was nine years sober, and that woman after I got, gave me live three months after she had taken me to the Orange County Psycho, chose to commit suicide. I'll never forget that lady as long as I live because that lady helped me to be born again in the program called Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to this guy, and I found something inside of me. And what I found was God. What I found Was my spirit weighed down. He's never been away from me, and I surrendered. And this man told me that I wanted someone to love me. God, I wanted someone to love me. I didn't have that feeling for you. I didn' t have that feelin' for my kids. I didn''t have that fee'ling for myself. How could I, you know, love anybody when you don' t got it? And he said, Annie, you wanted someone to love you so bad. And I said, there's nobody that loves me. And he says, oh, Annie. He said, what about the people in AA? I said the people in AA tolerate me because the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, and God only knows they know I have a desire to stop drinkin'. And I thought of my sponsor, and I thought at that lady, and I though I'll ask her. And that lady had told me on a daily basis in three years that I was a child of God and God loved me. And she told me she loved me, but I didn't hear it. I'm one of those that believes that you're here when you're ready to hear and you see when you are ready to see. And I went home that day. The gal took me home because I didn't drive a car. And I called that lady up that was my sponsor, and I risked, I riskped. And I said, Lois, and I think I would have died if she had to say something different. And I asked her, Loise, do you love me? And she said, Annie, I love you so much. And I started to cry. I was 27 years of age, and I came to believe that there was somebody in this world that could love me. I come from a big family I never felt loved I felt I was dragged up not brought up dragged up there was too much confusion in my childhood to feel any of those things this doctor found a child psychologist what I thought was very appropriate and this child psychologist taught me how to read and she taught me how to write and you see I'm not stupid I know how to do those things but I also know that if it hadn't have been for you and loving me and telling me that I was okay, that I would never have been able to get rid of that anxiety and I would have never been able to get my head stopping. And this lady took me to... She tutored me for nine months and an AA member took me down and I got a driver's license. I had the privilege of driving a car today. And then they took me over to school and I went to school, the big kids' school, right? And I went over to the school and the lady came with me, and I said, will you come in with me? And she said, no, Annie, I'll be here when you come out. And what I want you to know is that in the 13 1⁄2 years, I haven't had to do anything alone because you've always been there. All I had to doing was ask, and you came with my sister. I'd like to tell you that I got a four-year college degree. I'd love to tell it or I finished high school. I'd to tell all of those things, but none of those have happened for me yet. I went to school for two years, and I learned all the basics. I've got a couple of classes that I need to take in order to finish high school. But I learned in that time that what I was doing was that I thought if I learned all those things, then I would be equal to you. Then I wouldbe okay. And, you see, I know that I am okay today because I am equal toyou. We're all God's children. I don't walk before you, nor do I walk behind you. I walk side by side with you in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I want to share with you this thing called love that I have found for me. I didn't love my children. I stopped abusing them in this period of time. I was still afraid of them. But it came to me. It came to be and it came through me through you. This little gal came to the program of AlcoholicsAnonymous and she was the first girl to ever ask me to sponsor her. Diane was the second, but this was the fist one. and this little gal came into AA and she used a lot of LSD and she came up to me one night and she said Annie I want you to be my sponsor and I looked at her and I was scared and I said I will help you to the best of my ability and I will share with you the things I found in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous this little girl came to a meeting one night and she wasn't using but I don't know what happens to people who use LSD They have flashbacks or whatever. And she came into meeting, and she was kind of spaced out. And I went over to this little girl, and I took her by the hand. And I said, let's go outside. And I Went Into The Bathroom. And I Sat On The Floor With This Little Girl. And I Rocked Her. I Held Her. And I Couldn't Hold People. And I rocked her like a baby. And she looked at me with the bluest eyes I've ever seen in anybody. And she said, Annie, she said you love me so much. And I felt it. I felt to go through my body. I loved her. It didn't come from my own little babies. It came from another woman in AA. And through, you see, I also believe that it's not so much what I have to give you. It's what God wants me to learn through you. And I learn every day through you and through that little girl. I've been able to love so many, many, many people in Alcoholics Anonymous. I made a decision when I was seven years sober to send my kids to Catholic school to get back at all those rotten nuns for all the rotten things they ever did to me and I sent those kids down there and you know God's got a real weird sense of humor and I ended up making amends to all these rotten nunks and today I work as the assistant librarian at the local Catholic school. When they offered me this job, I said, oh no. And I went home and I thought about it and the book says how it works. This is honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. And I came back and I said I'd be willing and I stood in that little library and I looked around at all these books And I said, God, I hope you know what you're doing because I sure as hell hope you don't want me to read all those books. I want to tell you some few more things and I will shut up when I get started. He wants to share with you so much because I want you to know that I'm truly a miracle. I went home to Ireland a few years ago. I went home last year to bury my father, and I hope that there has been a closure on that part of my life for me. But I went Home a few years ago, and because I'm sober and AA, I get very high expectations from my family, and I forget that they're not in the same kind of thinking, in the plane that I am. But I went home, and my father was very ill. And my father is very sick. He's been sick from alcoholism for years. And he'll never know the things that I've known. But he called us all in the bedroom, and I went Home wanting that thing. I wanted that approval, andI wanted that love. And you can't get something from somebody that don't have it. He never had it. And he calledus all inthe bedroom,and he was talking to us. And he said he hated every one of us. He hated everyoneofus. He said every one of us was a mistake, and every one of us should have been drowned at birth. And you know, for one moment, it was like someone stuck a knife in my heart and I started crying. I thought, I don't want to be a mistake. I don' t want to b e a mistake because you told me I'm not a mistake and I walked out of that room and I stared to cry and I remembered what you said when I came. You said, Annie, you're not a mistake. There's a very, very beautiful person there. And you're not a mistake. God doesn't make junk. And I went and thought about what the prophet says. And the prophet said, there are children come through us. They're not of us. And to see, I came through those people. I'm not of those people, I'm of the people of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're my family. You are the ones that held my hand. You were the ones to walk the extra mile with me. You the ones who said you're going to be okay. don't drink today, Annie, and it's going to be okay. And some days that's all I don't do is I don' t drink but I go to meetings and I'm willing. I want to thank you. God Richard, thank you so much for allowing me to share me with you in a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous. God bless each and every one of you. Thank you.