Step 5 and the Spiritual Experience That There Must Be a Higher Power – Ben H.

About This Speaker Tape

A childhood eye injury and a penchant for lying to fit in fueled Ben H.'s lifelong need for attention and a chameleon-like drive for approval. He maps out a trajectory of escalating chaos: 24 arrests domestic violence and a descent into cocaine and meth to balance out the drinking. He describes a 'full flight from reality' where he eventually reached a point of total indifference to his own survival.

The turning point arrives not through consequences but when alcohol simply stops working. He works through the wreckage of $60,000 in debt and a fractured relationship with his mother whom he disowned for eight years finding a sense of purpose through the 'suits and ties' of the Buffalo City group and the discipline of service commitments.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Childhood injury and the start of creating a false image.
• 2:15 Resentment toward organized religion after a run-in with a preacher on a bike.
• 4:30 The 'chameleon' personality and the drive for acceptance.
• 6:10 First blackout and the feeling of being 'the party'.
• 8:45 The 'avoid hangovers, stay drunk' philosophy and the use of meth/cocaine.
• 11:20 The 'full flight from reality' and the decision to enter treatment.
• 14:10 Laughter: First experiences with the 'suits and ties' group in Jamestown.
• 16:30 The last run at the snowmobile race and the decision to stop.
• 18:15 Step 4 and 5: A spiritual experience and the discovery of a Higher Power.
• 20:40 Working through financial amends and the $60,000 debt.
• 22:10 Rebuilding the relationship with his mother after eight years of silence.
• 23:50 Advice to newcomers on the importance of service commitments.